#does actually talent and worth ethic matter anymore?

[aizenat]

Real talk: are there any young women on Hollywood/the entertainment industry these days that ISN’T a fucking nepo baby?

[piyoduki]

Hinata and Kamukura

(wow what a creative title)

Just a place for me to dump my thoughts on these two, and why they are so important to each other... This is another really long essay analysis thingy.

Spoiler warning for... everything. :p

1. Reserve Course

Hinata is an ordinary guy who loved and admired Hope’s Peak Academy. He loves talent, and wishes he could attain a talent and become someone recognised by society.

Hinata always calls himself normal, and says there’s nothing noteworthy about him. But unlike Naegi, Hinata was not satisfied with being normal. Hinata was obsessed with talent, because he believed he needed one to become someone he could be proud of, to be acknowledged by others. That was why he wanted to enter Hope’s Peak Academy so much.

(Horror game protagonist?)

DR’s society is one that puts talented individuals, the best of the best, above everyone else. SDR2 and DR3 give us a look at just how the other people in this world, the ones who were not chosen by Hope’s Peak Academy, feel. Hinata is the one who represents the hopes and despairs of the common people.

Hinata’s hopes about the school were quickly dashed when he realises just how they were treated in comparison to the Main Course students, aka the Ultimates. It’s also interesting that despite claiming to love the school, Hinata doesn’t actually know how the Reserve Course differs from the Main Course. It appears that Hinata believed that he would be able to get a talent and become an Ultimate even if he entered through the Reserve Course. Either the school hid the dark reality of the Reserve Course (which wouldn’t be surprising), or Hinata didn’t actually dig deeper in his research. Especially considering he did not even try to apply for the position of Ultimate Luck (he did not even know about that, actually), I believe that Hinata is someone who doesn’t like to confront his greatest fears or worries, and by choosing to remain ignorant, he can hold on to his rosy image of a school that can make his dreams come true. 

Of course, he can’t be ignorant of the truth once he’s actually in the school. Already, he can see a clear difference in how they were treated. The Main Course students are allowed to move between schools easily, but he (and the other Reserve Course students) get beaten up just for trying to enter the building? When his friend and classmate gets murdered by another Reserve Course student, that student then gets murdered by a Main Course student... who never got any sort of punishment? Two Reserve Course students lost their lives and the Main Course student who committed the same grave crime got their crime covered up? (Off-topic but isn’t it weird that Komaeda gets expelled for property damage but Fuyuhiko gets no punishment for MURDER... are the yakuza that powerful? Or more like why does DR3 want to make fun of Komaeda so much?)

And those are just what we see on screen. There is clearly some animosity between Main and Reserve Course students given Hinata’s class seemed very annoyed and hostile towards Koizumi when she went to visit Sato. The whole atmosphere of the Reserve Course is gloomy and depressing, compared to the Main Course where they were skipping class, throwing parties and playing games... We can infer what other micro-aggressions and unfair treatment the Reserve Course students felt when compared to the Main Course.

I have seen some people say that Hinata went through with the Kamukura Project because he wanted to impress Nanami... which I strongly disagree with. If anything it looked like he wanted to avoid her because he knew she would try to stop him. Hinata was fed up with being treated like second-rate trash. Not to mention he already has the pressure of his parents having to pay high school fees (that the Main Course most likely didn’t need to, given there are a few students in debt), so dropping out would disappoint them (and Hinata is stubborn and doesn’t give up easily once he’s decided to stick to something). Natsumi dying was simply the last straw. When he’s given the chance to become the person he’s always dreamed of becoming, a person full of talent, at this point where Hinata was at his lowest, there isn’t anything holding him back anymore. He is no longer afraid of something going wrong, because he’d already seen his classmates DIE, and the perpetrator with an Ultimate talent got to walk away scot-free. If he doesn’t take this chance now, he might end up the same way.

And he most likely would have, given all 2375 Reserve Course students committed a mass suicide. 2357 people who were not even named, or treated as individuals, who were just lumped into one number without any identity beyond having no talent.

By deciding to take part in the Kamukura Project, Hinata was able to live.

2. Kamukura Izuru Project

Or not really, because Hinata got his memories and consciousness erased. Can walking around as an emotionless shell really be called ‘living’? Junko implied that some messed up stuff happened to Hinata during the process, and I don’t know much about brain surgery... but we can imagine it was very painful and not ethical. Like Junko said, in order to completely rewrite Hinata’s personality, the researchers would have to go through drastic measure to accomplish something like that.

When did Hinata stopped being Hinata and when did he become Kamukura? We don’t know. But Hinata could feel everything when he was still Hinata. The fear, anger, regrets, pain, isolation... the feeling when he starts to realise he’s becoming numb. The feeling when he realises he can’t remember certain things. Soon the time will come when he can’t even remember anything. And he doesn’t even care anymore, because his emotions had been repressed to such an extent. (Does he even need anaesthesia to be operated on if he doesn’t feel pain? Hmm.)

He is now called Kamukura Izuru by the scientists who created him. Just like the other Reserve Course students, Hinata’s identity was erased and discarded. 

In V3′s UTDP, Kamukura introduces himself in this way, basically showing he doesn’t really feel like he has a sense of identity either.

Kamukura is the proud product of the scientists’ hard work. Yet he is a secret who cannot be shown to the world, not just yet. The school claims it is to protect such rare talent, that he would somehow be mankind’s saviour. But it would surely tarnish Hope’s Peak Academy’s reputation, if the rest of the world knew what kind of lengths they went through to create such artificial hope anyway. And who knows just how much more they could push Kamukura’s talents? If Junko didn’t take over the school and call out to him, who knows what would happen to Kamukura? Would they dispose of him once their success was recorded and it might be too dangerous to keep a human experiment around? Would they fear the very being that they had created, that could easily overpower them if he wanted to? Would Kamukura, who had no motivation or reason to live, even care if he were to get killed...?

Kamukura was locked up in a dark room with just a bed. We can assume he was only let out to undergo tests and such. He was given the bare minimum for survival, and because Kamukura had no motivations, he did not want or need anything else... but he was extremely bored. Kamukura’s whole life was confined to his empty room and the lab. He could definitely escape if he wanted to, but what point was there in leaving? He could predict everything that would happen. To him, the outside world was probably as boring as the world inside the lab, or at least not worth the effort of sneaking out or escaping. (Although he did sneak out once in the DR3 anthology... and as you might have guessed, he found it boring.) 

Junko is the one who gave Kamukura a motivation. She promised him the thrills and excitement of a world filled with despair. Kamukura had nothing to lose by going along with her plans, and in the best case scenario she would be correct and perhaps he might just feel something through despair. 

Despite being apathetic and having all the talents... Kamukura does want to feel something. Because nothing surprises him, because he can predict everything, because he doesn’t feel challenged by anything, because he finds everything boring, Kamukura wants to find that something that can make him feel. And Junko promised he could find it through despair.

So she puts him into the Student Council Killing Game where he just... stands around and watch them. It isn’t until the very end when a bullet grazes his cheek where he gets somewhat surprised, and kills the student in self defence.

Junko uses him as a scapegoat to blame the killing of the student council on, and Kamukura starts to show signs of annoyance at being used. Eventually Junko kills Nanami, and Hinata’s subconscious reacts to the death of yet another of his friends, causing Kamukura to tear up. Although he is confused by the reaction, he holds on to her hairpin as a reminder. Hinata was still not truly gone, and he caused Kamukura to feel the most emotion he had felt in his short years of existence. 

In UDG, Kamukura aggressively rips out Junko’s AI in annoyance, showing that he isn’t truly emotionless and he does dislike being used in such a matter. It’s also possible he was disappointed as despair did not really make him feel much. Still he goes along with her plan to infect the NWP and turn it into a killing game, but mostly to use it as a final showdown between hope and despair.

I say ‘final’, because the two options would both lead to Kamukura being erased and replaced by a different person.

3. Neo World Program and the Virtual Killing Game

Kamukura knew that he would not be able to take part in SDR2′s killing game, and told Komaeda that in Chapter 0. He knew that his previous self (Hinata) would be used as the avatar, so once again he could only watch from afar (was he even conscious?).

Kamukura went in knowing that if the rehabilitation of the Remnants of Despair was a success, then Hinata would live on as Hinata, and his memories and identity of Kamukura Izuru might be suppressed and erased (sound familiar?). If Junko’s plan succeeded, then she would upload her AI into all of the Remnant’s bodies and continue spreading despair. 

Kamukura, before that point, had barely found a reason to live. But it still wasn’t strong enough to convince him. So if he were going to die, then at the very least he wanted to see if hope or despair could really excite him. If not, then at that point, would there be anything that could make him feel anything? Perhaps nothing would change even if he were to disappear. If he were to just keep being used by others to achieve such a boring, predictable hope or despair, then maybe he didn’t mind just dying. Perhaps, since death is what made him able to feel something, by putting himself in such a situation, he might even feel the fear of death itself?

And so Kamukura Izuru hijacked the NWP and Hinata Hajime was pulled out from the deepest recesses of his mind, and was able to live in the NWP.

But this Hinata isn’t the Hinata that is all too aware of the reality of being a talentless person in a world loved by talent. This Hinata is a fellow student in a class full of Ultimates. SDR2′s Hinata wanted to believe that he has a talent. When he sees the rest of the students, how they act, how some of them got to the school of his dreams through something like luck? Helped by Komaeda’s supportive words, Hinata believes that he must have just forgotten his talent due to the shock of suddenly waking up on a deserted island. Not to mention his memory of entering the school felt fuzzy in the first place, so it must be true. Since he was surrounded by Ultimates, he had to have one too. 

That’s why, in SDR2, Hinata presents himself as a person who is more confident in himself. He sees himself as an equal to all the Ultimates, compared to Komaeda who clearly views himself as beneath the others. Hinata is able to feel comfortable making sarcastic remarks and comments about the others, because he believes he is just like them. But as the game progresses, Hinata starts to doubt himself. In Chapter 3, he starts to have some hazy memories that he tried to suppress.

It’s possible that he might have contracted the Despair Disease from Tsumiki and was starting to remember his past, before he entered Hope’s Peak Academy. Either way, as usual, Hinata continues to ignore his problems and negative thoughts.

When he hears about the traitor, while he did not want to believe it, he started to think it might be him. After all, he was the only one here who did not remember their talent. If he forgot something so important, perhaps it’s possible that he forgot he was the traitor as well. Despite his attempts to fit in with everyone, Hinata still felt left out from the others. 

But Hinata continued to believe he was not the traitor, that his talent would come to him eventually, because he didn’t want to face what would happen IF he were the traitor. In Chapter 4, he reacts negatively to Komaeda and Souda suspecting him of being the traitor. He started acting more depressed and impulsive, not helped by the fact he had gone without food and being trapped in the Funhouse for a few days. Not to mention, he was the one who pushed everyone to go to the Funhouse so they could find the truth of their missing memories, in other words his talent. 

Hinata became desperate, when he heard that there was a chance he might find out the truth through the Final Dead Room, he was ready to risk his life and go inside, but Nanami stopped him just in time. It’s very possible Nanami knew about his past to be better equipped to help him in his recovery. Or at the very least, it’s likely she knew he did not have a talent, and did not want him to get hurt if he found out the truth. 

Unfortunately for them, Komaeda does get access to the secret files by playing roulette at Komaeda-level difficulty. Besides the details about them being Ultimate Despair, Komaeda also finds out the true talents of the Imposter and Hinata, which he promptly rubs in Hinata’s face probably in an attempt to make himself feel better about being the very embodiment of what he hates. 

Hinata is shocked and in denial about it for a short while, because it came so suddenly, and from Komaeda, no less. But he could not run away from the truth forever. He should have expected it, being the only one who did not know his talent was just too suspicious. He should know better than anyone, how much he wanted a talent, how much importance he placed on talent. Forgetting was just a convenient excuse to make himself feel better. But that did not make it hurt any less. He was a fraud, a nobody, and this reality crushed Hinata’s fake confidence. The act he put up around the class crumbled. Komaeda constantly bringing up his lack of talent, mocking and insulting him did not help. But he had a murder to solve, and a genocidal Komaeda to deal with the next chapter. Hinata had no time to mope about and take it all in, he had to keep fighting for his survival.

Hinata had already lost hope when he found out about his lack of talent, but Komaeda starts tp be more aggressive in trying to expose the traitor’s identity. And once again Hinata starts to wonder if he were actually the traitor.

Komaeda gave them no time to rest and immediately told the remaining students about his plan to blow up the island. So they worked together to stop him, and found his gruesome dead body, and worked to find the murderer.

In the middle of the investigation, we once again see how pained Hinata felt when he confirms that he was in fact a talentless Reserve Course student.

“Why... why am I here with the other Ultimates?” 

Eventually, they find out Komaeda’s death was not just a simple suicide, and they found out Komaeda’s true plan was to expose the traitor and execute them (which they later found was the exact opposite of what he wanted). Because Hinata knew Komaeda’s true personality, he knew that Komaeda wouldn’t die in such a meaningless way, so Hinata suspected there had to be something more to his death. Hinata was forced to expose Nanami as the traitor, through Monomi’s diary that included that moment that only Nanami should know about... Nanami, who noticed he was feeling anxious and being suspected of being the traitor, who left her group to find him because she was worried for him, who convinced him not to take the risk and leave the Final Dead Room, who told him not to listen to Komaeda mocking him. 

Also, when Hinata saw that scene in the diary, he pretended not to acknowledge it and thought he shouldn’t bring it up to Nanami, because he wanted to avoid a potential problem once again, until he was forced to confront it in the trial. 

With both Komaeda and Nanami gone, Hinata and the others are left exhausted and empty. But the time was up, and they could finally leave...? Even if Hinata wanted to completely give up now, the doors to freedom were (supposedly) finally open and it would be a waste not to at least give it a look. 

A tired Hinata enters the mysterious Future Foundation building, and slowly pieces together the truth behind this killing game. In the final trial, we finally learn about Hinata’s backstory through Junko happily telling him that he is not merely a talentless Reserve Course student, but also a human experiment and his real self is no longer the same person standing in the class trial. The Future Foundation members are also shocked that Hinata and Kamukura were apparently the same person. Hinata’s first reaction is understandably denial, who would believe that they would go through something so messed up for the sake of hope and talent? Especially after Junko adds that Kamukura was the one who killed the student council members and kickstarted the tragedy.

But the seeds of doubt were already planted into Hinata. Junko easily uses Hinata’s fears to deter him from going along with the Forced Shutdown sequence. After all, by going through with it, he and the others would lose their memories of the virtual killing game, meaning he would go back to being Kamukura Izuru. For Hinata, this means that he would cease to exist. Again. 

Junko brings up the fact that the Future Foundation want them to do the Forced Shutdown for their own desires, wanting to stop her from taking over the world, but is it really worth the cost of sacrificing their own lives and memories? 

Hinata has a breakdown because how is he supposed to choose? Between sacrificing himself or saving the world, just because some people say so? He is afraid. He doesn’t want to disappear. He suddenly got put into this spot where the only choices are to die or destroy the world. Both Junko and the Future Foundation are only thinking of their own goals. The Future Foundation might give false reassurance that everything will be fine even if they go back to being Ultimate Despair, but will it really? They conveniently don’t bring up the fact that Hinata won’t even exist anymore in an attempt to convince them to go along with their plan to defeat Junko. As Junko mentioned, do these people even care about him and the others?

Hinata refuses to choose, because he cannot handle it anymore. The burden is too great, and Hinata would rather just give up. Once again, he is unable to face his issues head on and chooses to avoid them. 

Hinata imagines an ending where the class is happy and back on Jabberwock Island. But Nanami snaps him out of it and confronts him. Hinata tells him his worries, tells him that he wants to give up, and adds that if they go through with the Forced Shutdown, everyone would forget about her too. Nanami tells him that no matter what, the future she and everyone fought for would still remain, and that Hinata should believe in himself and stop being so indecisive. Nanami tells him that they are the only ones who can decide their own future, and if they can’t choose one of the two options, to create their own future. 

Hinata confronts his impression of Kamukura, or rather, his own negative feelings projected onto Kamukura’s avatar. His feelings of being talentless, being useless, being unable to change anything, being betrayed, his denial of being Kamukura Izuru. Hinata finally faces his own feelings head on and realises how uncool he is to act like that and keep moping about.

Thanks to Nanami’s encouragement, Hinata was able to overcome his feelings and awaken. Finally, Hinata has stopped running away and has decided to fight for a new future. He says that he is not Kamukura Izuru, but Hinata Hajime, and argues that they don’t have to stick to the two choices presented to them, that they can and will create their own future that they can be proud of. Hinata convinces the other survivors to do the same, and they go through with the Forced Shutdown sequence. Usami appears and defeats Junko, and the survivors wake up from the NWP.

3.5. World Destroyer

This technically happened before DR3, so I’ll put this here. With Kamukura’s talents, Hinata was able to create the AI of World Destroyer, who was given Kamukura’s personality to be as efficient and ruthless in his job as possible. And he was modelled after Hinata’s avatar because... well there are a lot of theories, but personally I think it’s because Kamukura’s hair physics would be a bigger pain to work with then Hinata’s short hair.

Okay that was a joke, but my interpretation the reason is that they wanted to pick someone who is distant from the other students, so that they wouldn’t get too attached or get emotionally hurt when WD shoots them and wakes them up. So they went with Hinata since the students won’t have any memories of him before the killing game (which seems to be where their minds are trapped within). 

It’s possible that Hinata might sometimes feel as if he were not truly a part of the class, as everyone except him shared some memories of their time in Hope’s Peak Academy or being Remnants of Despair (that they may or may not have regained). We already know he thinks that he is different from everyone else. Not to mention, he might have also felt responsible for causing them to die in the NWP since it was Kamukura who injected Junko’s AI into it, so he tried to wake them from their coma. 

Hinata (and Kamukura) had to shoulder the huge burden of saving these people, with the hopes of all the other survivors resting on him. Did he think, he was the only one who could do something like that? With all these talents, he could finally be of use to his friends? Despite people like Nanami constantly telling him that it’s okay not to have a talent, it’s only because he became Kamukura, that he obtained all this talent, that he was able to bring everyone back to life.

Having to deal with the pressure that you will be responsible for all these people’s lives, knowing that it’s your fault but not really that they ended up like this, having to deal with living the rest of your life with another person in your mind, knowing that you finally got what you always wanted but you caused so many people and yourself so much pain... That is something only Hinata Hajime would feel.

4. Kamukura, Hinata and the Future

(This section will contain a lot of rambling headcanons based on how they get along after the events of SDR2/DR3. Also me being confused by DR3′s writing.)

When Hinata wakes up from the simulation, it is heavily implied that Kamukura’s personality is still present within him, as he occasionally mentions being bored (like when the Future Foundation members come after them). Even though he cut his hair, and continues to mainly present himself as Hinata, he retains Kamukura’s talents and shares a body and mind with him.

There are a few confusing things about SDR2 and DR3, such as the fact Naegi and friends don’t know Kamukura and Hinata were the same person, even though Naegi would have likely needed to meet Kamukura to ‘capture’ him, and in the visions Kamukura retained his appearance when talking to Komaeda on the boat to the real Jabberwock Island. It would be kind of suspicious to see that Kamukura was not present in the simulation but instead a completely different person, yet the Future Foundation talk as if they did not know Kamukura even existed...? Why would a random Reserve Course student be in the simulation instead? You would think they would know the identities of who they were going to upload into a rehabilitation programme... or at least put two-and-two together and do some research into this Hinata Hajime person? Anyway I digressed.

I believe that Kamukura was able to also get what he wanted. While he might also have known about the Forced Shutdown sequence, I feel like he might still see it as a non-answer (it may be the Future Foundation’s hope, but he and the other Remnants would go back to being despair anyway). But I don’t think he would have expected Hinata to retain his personality (and possibly memories of the killing game) as well. (Or is it just Kamukura acting as Hinata? We will never know why it seems like the SDR2 cast reverted to their in-game personalities despite the Forced Shutdown being unable to retain those memories...) Either way, I think Kamukura would not have predicted such a thing, because it... defies logic. Seriously how did they even fuse? Why does Hinata have heterochromia?? Did the program malfunction and a miracle happen?? I guess so.

Hinata can still feel emotions, but probably a lot less than he would before, because his brain has been messed with to suppress emotions. But for Kamukura, who had felt nothing his entire life, to be able to feel what it is like to ‘feel’, even just a little, is exactly the kind of stimulus he had been looking for. 

And for Hinata, to go from being a talentless nobody, to becoming possibly the only survivor of the Reserve Course, to be suddenly equipped with all these skills and talents... I imagine it must have overloaded him, to suddenly wake up and feel so foreign in your own body. To suddenly realise there is someone else besides him, in his own brain, and that someone be an emotionless, apathetic, harsh, judgemental person... but still a person.

As I mentioned before, I think Hinata felt responsible for putting the class through the killing game. Even if it wasn’t technically him, because it was him that became Kamukura, he caused them to suffer to such an extent... But at the same time, because it was him, because it was Kamukura, he was able to use his foreign talents for something he wanted to do - to save his friends. For once, his identity as the Ultimate Hope was not being taken advantage of by someone else, but he was able to use it for his own wishes. For once, Hinata was able to regain control of his, of Kamukura’s, talents. Because of Kamukura, Hinata was able to live, face his regrets and save his friends.

For Kamukura, I think that he has finally found a meaning to his life. To be able to feel Hinata’s conviction in wanting to rescue his comatose friends. To want to use his talents that he previously would find boring. To want to live and keep existing. Hinata has shown him that things that he can’t predict do exist. Because of Hinata, Kamukura was able to find his purpose. 

Hinata, who had always doubted himself, his identity, had to suddenly wake up as two people in the same body. He had to come to terms with the fact that he was different from everyone else, that he had gone through some things people would never be able to understand. He had to learn how accept this was how he would be for the rest of his life, to accept Kamukura as a part of himself. And similarly, Kamukura would also have to accept Hinata as a part of him, rather than just his past that did not matter, Hinata exists and is here right now. 

Also, since Kamukura technically only existed for a few years, despite having so much knowledge, he is still lacking in experience. So Hinata would still have things to show and teach him. I also think that Kamukura has low energy due to his lack of motivation, which was why he barely moves about, only sees the value in ‘efficient’ actions, prefers to stand back and observe others, and that is why Hinata is the one that takes the lead in their body after SDR2. 

(Stealthy edit but I totally missed this part in the OVA, but Hinata confirms they are both him, meaning they’ve both come to terms with each other and has accepted the other as a part of themselves. :D)

Hinata needs Kamukura, and Kamukura needs Hinata. Without one of them, the other would not exist, and they make up for what the other lacks. 

Bonus: Cute Stuff

To end this off, here are some miscellaneous cute facts about these two!

Kamukura talks in a more polite way than Hinata

They have two colours of underwear, blue and red/pink with white sakura patterns

Kodaka made a tweet that suggested Hinata Hajime’s name could be read similarly to Kamukura [Hi (ka) -nata (muku) Hajime (kura)]

Kamukura’s hair follows a similar pattern to Hinata’s hair (ahoge, the one pointy middle strand)

Hinata’s stop/cancel sign in his eyes transforms to a target sign when he becomes Kamukura (two prongs) and awakened Hinata (three prongs!!)

Hinata’s official watch has black and red clock hands... :]

Anyway, thanks for reading if you somehow made it this far! This ended up being.... extremely long and rambly... and I might have repeated my points a few times... but I hope you still enjoyed it! :’D

[iturbide]

Is it weird that I kinda wanna know more about Validar or rather seem more stories with him since there are no doubt so many f-ed up things he could do to poor Robin. I somehow see him as someone who just touched Robin like overly so. Soft strokes, but there's something off about it. It's possessive and "slimey". I wonder how he even got to the point of siring robin in the first place. Was it consensual? Would he ever drop down to that level of abuse if he had Robin from the start?

Oh hey it’s one of my favorite thought experiments 8D 

So I have put an inordinate amount of thought into understanding Validar and how he ended up the way he did.  History is important: if even one thing had changed in Validar’s life before a certain point, it’s very likely that he could have ended up an entirely different person, someone with more capacity for kindness, someone even capable of truly loving another person. 

But that’s not what happened. 

I have a lot of thoughts about how the Plegian system of government works – namely the fact that the king and the hierophant of the Grimleal are not necessarily the same person.  It’s a bit weird and complicated owing entirely to the fact that Grima’s not involved directly anymore, since as a theocracy, Plegia looks to their divine dragon as the one true ruler.  In Grima’s absence, and lacking any proven proxy, they have instead turned to a system based on divination of their fallen divine’s will.  Whenever a king dies, the six most powerful diviners in Plegia (one for each of Grima’s eyes) are called forth to select the next ruler by interpreting Grima’s will through their chosen medium; in order to keep things relatively simple and ensure the nation can keep running, the diviners limit their selections among the heads of the Grimleal faith and the members of the former king’s council, since those two groups have existing experience.  

Now, while there should logically be an equal chance of a Grimleal priest being selected as a former council member, for the past several centuries, the diviners’ selections have almost always been members of the king’s council; this heavy bias has coincided with the increasing corruption within the upper echelons of the church and the worrisome zealotry that’s gone with it.  In particular, Validar’s family has very long-standing ties with the church, and have held the rank of hierophant for countless decades, and they have been some of the foremost perpetrators behind this horrific spiral.  Which brings us to Validar’s father. 

Validar’s father was not a kind man.  He was not a caring man.  He had no time and patience for things like family: his sole interest was in restoring Grima to the world.  Initially, his goal had been to secure power over the nation in order to hasten that very goal; however, when the Plegian king died and the diviners were called, he was passed over for a member of the king’s council.  Irritated but not deterred, he proceeded to make arrangements and married a woman who boasted a very prominent bloodline, hoping that the child created from such a union would at last herald the fell dragon’s return; unfortunately, Validar did not bear the Brand, and his father never forgave him for that.  In his eyes, that absent mark proved his son a failure, and no matter how hard Validar tried, no matter how great his accomplishments or how prodigious his talents and genius, he was still worthless by his father’s single-minded estimation.  

As a child, Validar attempted to win his father’s favor with scholastic accomplishments.  When this failed, he began searching for other ways to change his father’s view, becoming an adept strategist and politician.  When this, too, did not bear the desired results, he turned to increasingly dangerous means of proving himself, researching dangerous, ancient magics and becoming one of the foremost sorcerers in the nation at a very young age.  And none of it had any effect.  Bitter, jaded, and hell-bent on proving his worth regardless of the cost, Validar shed any trace of ethics or morality he might have harbored up to that point, and turned his eyes on a new goal: bringing Grima back into the world – not just the one marked as the fell dragon’s proxy by the Brand, but the fell dragon himself, a feat that he knew would be possible thanks to a formidable ritual he’d uncovered in his research that, with suitable modifications, he was certain would call Grima’s own soul into the Branded vessel that bore the fell dragon’s blood. 

Shortly thereafter, the reigning Exalt in Ylisse launched his crusade against the ‘heathen’ Plegians, striking out across the border and laying waste to any settlement he came across.  Many of the villages in the eastern desert evacuated, and the refugees flocked to the capital for protection; among them was a young woman who, despite being a refugee herself, put all her time and effort toward helping others in whatever way she could.  She came to Validar’s attention less from her altruism, more for the raw, volatile magic she demonstrated in her attempts at administering first aid through magic: knowing that powerful arcane talents often implied a strong connection to Grima’s blood, Validar reached out to her, using his impressive speechcraft and manipulative nature to try and gain her favor before proposing to her. 

This woman, however, was well aware of who Validar was – as the son of the present hierophant, it was impossible not to know – and knew equally that he had no real interest in her.  But she accepted regardless, because she had no real interest in him, either: she knew that marrying into a family with such strong connections to the Grimleal hierarchy would give her immeasurably more opportunities to reach out and help the people of Plegia, from the refugees fleeing the warfront to the individuals fallen on hard times in need of aid and kindness.  In spite of the ongoing war, she still spent her days in the capital rather than cloistered safely away (much to the consternation of her guard), providing food and medicine to the masses huddled in the capital and awaiting the conflict’s end. 

Though they led separate lives that only led to their occasional meeting, Validar’s primary interest was in siring a child that might act as a suitable vessel, and they shared a bed regularly for this purpose.  In time, his wife became pregnant, and for months Validar bided his time, waiting for the birth, outwardly confident even as he prayed for success in his endeavor.  And, much to his delight (and relief), when the child was born, he did in fact bear Grima’s Mark. 

For the first time in Validar’s life, his father looked on him with approval.  And so he sought to push forward with his goal, believing fully that he was on the right track. 

AUs are great things, and depending on the situation, this can go a lot of different ways.  For a canon-type situation, where his wife escapes his control, Validar’s intention was actually to remove her from the picture entirely so that he could have full control over the child’s upbringing.  Though he is capable of extreme violence, Validar much prefers not to bloody his hands, instead preferring methods that cannot be tied back to him: he fully intended to murder his wife through use of a virulent poison, a plot which she uncovered along with the knowledge of what he intended to do with their child.  Desperate to protect her baby, she took Robin and fled Plegia – and with the loss of the Branded child, Validar’s father once more looked on him with contempt, berating him that he did one thing right in all his life, and then he ruined that, as well.  This cold dismissal is the last straw for Validar, whose yearning for the man’s approval twists fully into hateful loathing: he bides his time for several more years, kidnapping Aversa and training her to act as his right hand in the interim…and when the time is right, Validar sends her to murder his father in cold blood, staging it as a political assassination rather than a calculated crime of passion. 

In other situations, where Robin does remain closer for whatever reason (either with his wife still present or with her gone), Validar’s methods remain ultimately non-violent.  He prefers manipulation and mental or emotional abuse to physical methods in most cases, saving touch as a form of praise – but the way he uses it feels like an abuse of its own: often his preferred form of such praise is stroking his son’s hair, which seems more like a man petting a dog than a father engaging with his child.  And that’s very much because Validar doesn’t see Robin as his child, or even a child at all: he’s nothing more than the vessel Validar intends to draw Grima into, and he has no interest in anything beyond preparing that vessel to the fullest so that when Grima enters it, the might and magic at the fell dragon’s disposal will be unmatched. 

tl;dr hi yes i think about validar too much and it generally ends with me hating him more

[nylenol]

ALL OF THEM. 1-50. GO.

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

yes and no! i value the idea of fate a Lot a lot and idk i believe things happen to certain ppl for a certain reason whether in this life or others so. yeah. i also think that everything i’ve been thru makes me a certain way, and throwing that away to go like,,, possess another body or some shit makes everything not worth. i wish i had better financial status and had more resources at my disposal tho! so if i could change my social/financial standing thatd be hot as fuck

2: What is your full name?sandra whot (thats what i write on my physics tests)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?im 17 but god knows i still look 12

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?no but ppl ask me if i’ve dyed it bc the natural colors kinda wack! also i spray painted it blue once does that count

5: What’s your eye color?healthy soil mmm wormy

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with iti like my body! i used to not bc shes a little chonky but its okay now^^

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?i really wanna get an industrial/helix piercing in my ear but im scared of piercings djhgggg i used to have those little asian baby hoops that all asian babies have but it got caught in my necklace and started bleeding like fuck when i was little so i was kinda traumatized, dont wear earrings anymore and the hole closed up on one side ; as for tattoos i want one eventually! maybe something small and meaningful on my ankle/wrist or smth

8: What would you say is your best quality?i’m really tolerant of a lotta bs tbh; a lot of times when my friends cant handle a person/situation i still find myself p okay with it and they tell me that so ya!

9: What are you really bad at?oh my god so many : cant dance; cant sing; drawing mediocre; meeting deadlines? whos she! etc etc my work ethic just sux

10: What talent do you wish you had?i wish i could sing well/play an instrument!! love live renewed my love for music a lot and not being able to express that love for music IN music makes me rlly emo

11: Are you nice to everyone?yeah i’d like to think so,, sometimes i shittalk if they like do something Genuinely Morally Wrong like hello but for the most part i think everyones deserving of kindness even if i dont know them that well!

12: What do you think about the most?i spend a lot of time thinking abt the past and what i could have changed and the future and what i could have been and its ugly dont like it but it nags at me!! thanks obama

13: Things you like/dislike about yourselfi like the fact that i have a lot of passion for certain things and dedicate myself to them!! but i dont like the fact that i get demotivated rlly easy and let things pile up after signing up for too many things that i care about; ; ;  then i dont drop these things and end up in a shithole of responsibility like hello o o o o 

14: What is your least favorite word?i dunno! but any word i cant pronounce correctly is my mortal enemy (colosseum)

15: What is your favorite word?idk but i say hello so much ,, about time i start punctuating my sentences with goodbye.

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?i look exactly like my dad but i like my mom more! i wanna be like her, that woman works so hard to keep me and my sister alive hello

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?yeah! but honest to god if the strangers a crusty man then no i aint risking shit

18: A reason you’ve lied to someoneuhh the other day i went out for dim sum w benji and told my mom that only BENJI was buying dim sum but actually he paid for both of us bc im a broke bih (my mom hates owing ppl money) and yeah i feel terrible i dont lie often

19: Are you lying about anything right now?i dont think so ? only person im lying to is myself kek - John 1:14

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?never kissed anyone ! but wheres my milf @ god

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?yes in a way ??? but i think thats a superficial, physical kind of love and the love that matters can only form after like. years of both platonic and romantic bonding

22: Do you believe in soulmates?yes! the definition of a soulmate to me is someone who would fit best for you both romantically and platonically - but while there will always be someone who fits the best, there will always be someone who fits about the same, and someone who fits about the same right under that, etc etc. while we dont end up w/ the OG Soulmate tm in most situations, we do find a variation of them somewhere in the world.

23: Are looks important?a little bit?? but it doesnt matter in the long run, if you love someone then you’ll also grow to love the way they look its a package deal brent

24: Opinion on relationship age differencesi like ppl around my age or maybe a year younger/older but if ur 25 n dating a 35 yo then thats ur business! idc as long as neither party is in their teens and its healthy

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?unless i met them irl? no

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?lol yeah in part, i normally dont cry until i have 6000 different reasons to cry and sufficient hydration (like 3 times a year hello)

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?lol

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?yeah! my friends disliked one of my best friends for like a Long time, me n her aren’t close friends anymore bc shes kinda snakey but w/e

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?lol

31: How does someone win your heart?be a good friend! same humor helps a lot, if someone’s aura is comfy for me to be in then hhhello ;; also genuine concern and compassion is my biggest turn on yeet

32: What turns you on?having enough food on me to eat every single period of the day, fruit, vidya games, sleeping,,, when teachers extend deadlines mr. geil i love you ? i lo

33: What turns you off?ketchup poured over fries like hello what is wrong with people.

34: Do you get jealous easily?yes cerritos auto square

35: What is your definition of cheating?cheating (noun) - the conscious pursuit of non-platonic relations with a person other than your significant other

36: Do you forgive betrayal?not really but depends on the situation

37: Have you ever been cheated on?nop i gave someone my hw to copy a few times tho

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?nop but i copy other ppls hw on a daily basis :)

39: How often do you listen to music?24/7 all the time always every waking hour right now immediately at the moment, this bitch DEAD without her earbuds

40: First concert you attendedactual actual concert in a venue was the AX one where Aqours performed!!

41: Last movie you watchedCarol it made me sososoos emo i was watching it on a bus next to a bunch of hetties i was Crying. crying

42: Favorite type of movieromance! and for some reason disaster movies,,, also psychological movies r Really up there

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?hoohooheehee

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?yeah when i need to, its obvious to other ppl tho i think

45: Do you fall in love easily?not really

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?yes and no, it depends on context and frequency

47: What’s your favorite holiday?tet bih

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?im pretty forgiving i think, i wish i wasnt

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?right here in my bed! wish i could sleep forever

50: What’s your “type”?idk if i have a type but ppl are hot and this lesbian is too weak to go on! i like ppl who are kinda similar to me tho: little crazy little wack but ultimately well meaning

[joanelizebeth]

dreamers: don’t die

I know you think none of this matters anymore. You don’t even care so much to abide by sentence structure. The newest version of the new you could give two shits about what the Oxford comma even is. You don’t write to attain a grade anymore. You don’t write to get into college anymore. You write because……...

Dot. Dot. Dot ...still thinking, uploading, pending, synching. The world you once believed in, the audience still waiting on the last time you gave serious, genuine, interested, effort into your skill...

But something always causes the pen to stop writing before it actually intended on stopping. Suddenly the fingers stop typing at the keyboard...

You look up to kiss him goodnight (you realize he’s filling up his water bottle to head to bed), & so you shrug silently to yourself, “oh, this isn’t anything big I’m working on anyway right now, I can pause this and put it away.” NBD! Easy! 

Dot. Dot. Dot. 

The laptop closes and we don’t even recognize the severity of the moment. Such a subtle, little... moment, right?

My dad, born in 1953, believed in a lifelong dream of getting a Corvette. He got it when I was like 5. I’d sit in the back and stare up at the Wisconsin stars and think “I’m gonna chase my dreams like this one day, and never stop driving.” I’m 24, he hasn’t driven it regularly since I was 9. 

One day that garage door closed for the last time that he’d ever take that red corvette out, before giving up on remembering why he’d made it such a life goal in the first place...

And suddenly years and years later, so many pauses, so many put away ideas, brainstorming lists, and even frickin potential tweets and instagram captions fill up nothing but receipt space in your Notes app (a habit kept like my mom’s iconic giant black purse, all too familiar: like a landfill of thin crumpled papers, dollars, and big break ideas, always meant to go somewhere someday, right?).

Ideas are only dangerous if you feed them. House them. Watch them age, and help them develop into actions. As an artist, but really as an overthinker; it’s a game within your own creative intellect to balance the test of modern revolutions and trends & the analytical application of methods classically proven to work. We must not think we have to choose one or the other, but learn how to derive new opinions, ideas, and experiments by utilizing both thought-habits to new, peaceful third productive outcome to remain open minded to perspectives of people with much different life experiences and lives, different reality lenses than our own. 

Three dots that wait to continue the conversation, as eager as a new college grad awaits the dialog after sending a cover letter. The art of a cover letter? Is that really an art? I find well crafted writing with any purpose other than for the passion that letters themselves inspired one to pursue opportunity, to be a mockery of language itself. Do not exploit my talent, do not disrespect my education, for you have no idea what I’ve learned behind the closed doors of my personal life and interests, of things beyond what the ACT scans for. I might have read AP Chemistry in 5th grade, I might have read my father’s divorce journal during the military, you have no academic acclaim in my eye to judge the motivation behind why I type what I type. What I say and why I say so is something I’m still discovering myself, but I question the validity of my talent, of my career, every day that I realize I don’t have a stupid Bachelor’s Degree Paper saying that I majored in English and also sucked up to the professor’s particular philosophy. I’ve read more books in my lifetime than days I’ve spent in school. I’m not lying. I’m 24, one year out of college, one year a resident in the city of Angels: dying. Dying of Apathy. The same criminal that tried to take me when I tasted a life of comfort.

You need more than ambition now. Now, more than ever, you need to focus. To stop picking up your phone to see if he viewed your story, even if you’re alone in a foreign world and don’t know a single soul who understands your context. You can’t drop the mask now and visit Aunt Linda after church at Starbucks. You can’t force smiles anymore to strangers, trying to convince other people why you moved here with a dream. But why not? You can’t force strangers, you can’t force friends, you can’t force family to believe in you if you’ve chosen to stop believing in yourself. So cheesy, those words must have come from someone from Wisconsin. Regardless, reality.

The months fly by like EXPO tickets at a busy restaurant, once they’re gone they’re forgotten. 

So many months, so many days, so many interactions with strangers on the street. Things we don’t think about. It’s been a year, what the fuck have I accomplished? I haven’t even written a Goddamn thing on a computer since I worked at ESPN. When my voice felt validated. I could have stayed. How many nights do I wake up jerking, imagining the best case scenario of an unrealistic positive scenario of the other side of the crossroads we faced when we were only a little bit younger? But I chose to move from Wisconsin to California. I believed in myself when I bought that flight, when I wobbly-handed my debit card to the TJ Maxx cashier for that suitcase, the one suitcase I moved here with. Flyin’ solo sounds more glamorous in quote form. It was really lonely. But day by day things can really, really; really improve. 

Those restaurant tickets are forgotten. We take shots at the end of the night with both BOH and FOH together, completely forgetting about that side of chipotle ranch for that lemon lady that was never ran. We move on in life and don’t care about the little details that occur around us as we take in the information overload called being alive. 

But among those tickets, among those many little random tickets, big, small, we know the clock out feeling still leaves us smiling, wondering why even if work was hectic, it was worth it. It was and is always worth coming back again, even when we have slow nights. Just kinda like how, even if we haven’t gotten verified on Instagram or Twitter, we still kinda like life in LA.

Tickets fly by like days, weeks, months, even years lived in Los Angeles, and I don’t fast forward through those moments as I previously had. I used to guilt trip myself for not being “critically acclaimed” whatever the fuck that means, yet if I were to forever focus on that rubric as the sole way to define my sense of self, I’d land up where my brain of creative fire fears most: apathy. Not caring. Not having emotion. Make excuses to replace the thoughts of guilt, the thoughts that comfort me into affirmation that my negligence, my lack of work ethic, my dwindling inspiration that was once the sturdy backbone I had as my secret weapon during the fight.

Those tickets don’t matter. A side of ketchup you forgot to run a few days ago that you just remembered doesn’t matter. But the concept of tickets not mattering ever is just as common and dangerous a mistake to make as getting caught up in labels, titles, and details. 

The days I’ve been in Los Angeles, I haven’t acted in feature films, modeled free outfits on Melrose, made out with Halsey backstage, or had some magical unrealistic moment where someone wants to read my poetry or script ideas drunkenly on the patio at Berkshire House. At the end of the shift, the restaurant tickets don’t matter, right? Or do they?

At the end of the day, the time I spent in LA without getting a self affirming job doesn’t matter, right? All this time I have spent living in LA with strangers and paying rent that seems so expensive, is it a waste of my life? These days in LA that pass by without me making my ���big break” are a fucking waste of time, right? Or are they? 

But,

Did you learn Street names? Freeway names? Did coffee shop faces begin to become recognizable by name? What about your favorite parking spot at work? What about when the Uber app recognizes your patterns and little favorite spots? Do you have a coworker you vent to about all the BS banter from certain regular customers? What about the checkout lady at the grocery store where you get your favorite coffee creamer? Has the weight of meaning of seeing a familiar friends’ handwriting on a postcard carried its weight a little differently? All these little things, all those little tickets at work, never seem to matter in the moment, but at the end of the day, at the end of our shift: they’re what makes us feel at home. Habits are what makes the difference between what feels like a house and what feels like a home. 

You’ve made what was just a house, now a home. Through habit. Through noticing.

Although Apathy is a real phase we all sometimes experience in life due to comfort and lack of change, apathy doesn’t have to corner us into self imposing a giant change upon our lives, forcing us to lose something we love. We can fight these fits of apathy, of self doubt, of questioning everything, by …

Dot Dot Dot...

Does anyone have an answer?

My answer to Apathy, to a dead soul, to feelings of  “why hasn't anyone noticed what I’m capable of yet?” is that the answer never mattered to a dumb self conceited question to begin with. 

Remember those tickets. Remember those days. Remember those that laughed at your jokes, asked to take pictures with you, invited you to parties, or smiled at you with a sense of familiar relief when you punched into work. People have been noticing you. Have you been noticing them?

[sincerelybillie]

on liking yourself when others dislike you

do you think you could handle knowing, at the rate and visibility of social media “likes” and praise, how many people cannot stand you? i think about this often - how i myself do sometimes quantify and qualify my work and my worth based on the affirmation i receive, read and hear. and years of self-growth and self-love aside, to look at yourself through rose-coloured glasses isn’t any much healthier than picking at the scabs of your own insecurities. whether you’re healed or not, you’re not above self-examination. i’m really learning that these days. 

there’s a lot to unpack here, so i hope you’re comfy. because i’m about to get uncomfy.

 and again, the thoughts burst to the forefront of my brain and again i, in the paralysis and then dull pain of honest self-reflection, spat them down as bullet points. things that sting just as much removing an old and actual bullet from a body that’s gotten too accustomed to its own damage and romanticized being a warrior whose bones can no longer be broken w sticks, stones, or anything for that matter. but none of us are that untouchable. we wouldn’t be human. 

in middle school, stephanie and sarah started a myspace comment thread about my eczema and how they didn’t want to be near me in the locker rooms during P.E. because they didn’t want to have “lizard skin” like me. i found out about their lifetime movie school bully behaviour after they’d been discussing me for weeks (which was honestly weirder than any skin condition i had? you’re preteen girls obsessively talking about my mostly naked prepubescent body that experiences dry skin sometimes? which isn’t contagious?) anyways, they both ended up having severe, cystic acne for much of their teenhood, and i always felt secure in knowing karma did a much better job than any revenge i could have employed at such a young age. i’d known stephanie since we were in first grade, and sarah was one of the “bad girls” who started wearing excessive eyeliner and push up bras before the rest of us. i guess stephanie felt like she needed to invest in something like that, for social currency. sarah got beat up a few times, i think, because other girls caught word of her trash talking. i think stephanie knew how to be strategic in her associations and never actually had to be held accountable for being shitty. i don’t know what happened to either of them, but i remember being really smug about my clear skin and the state of their faces when i found them on facebook in high school. this wasn’t productive. this didn’t make me a good person. and i guess i just always wanted to believe anyone who didn’t like me was in the wrong and would receive a cosmic consequence for being a dick to me.

let’s head to my early twenties where my first full time job with an organization i spent two years with showed me i was wrong. there were still coworkers who disliked me for really petty reasons, who still acted like spiteful and gossipy middle school bullies or were passive aggressive towards me for reasons that really didn’t make anymore sense than hating me for my allergies did. but i did have to hear and internalize and change the fact that i was too aggressive in my work ethic, isolated people who i felt didn’t work as hard as me, didn’t open up to people because i came across like nobody was worth knowing me or being trusted, was too opinionated, verbose, competitive, elitist. i couldn’t believe i could be considered these things, and anyone who called me that must have really misunderstood my commitment and my values. they were stupid and wrong. i was right. there was nothing for me to change here. but i was wrong because even if some of them had discussed me behind my back in separate group chats, behaved unprofessionally towards me, or stopped interacting w me entirely outside of mandated work environments, it didn’t automatically invalidate any and all other feedback they could have given me. it didn’t lose its legitimacy just because it was coming from someone i didn’t consider a friend with valuable insight. and because i placed so much value on the connections and thoughts of people i mutually respected, knew, and trusted, it was hard to swallow truths handed out by strangers, estranged friends, acquaintances or people i just thought sucked. 

i stifled my own growth by not listening to them because i thought loving myself and hearing what people who aren’t cool with me had to say were mutually exclusive. i chose to only hear half the conversation because that’s what served me. because only hearing criticisms and insults was so poor for my mental health, that i had to swing the pendulum as hard as i could in the other direction. and that may have felt better most of the time, but it didn’t make me better long-term. 

at the benefit of my sanity in this digital age, i don’t see who or how many people ignore my snapchat stories, screenshot my ig stories or discuss them when i’m not around, hate what i post, roll their eyes at my captions, or click thumbs down on my youtube videos, whether or not they watched the whole thing. but i know that people do it. i know some people choose to continue following me on social media or being friends w me because they want that mutual follow, despite never really interacting w me - positively or otherwise - on the particular platform. it’s a numbers game. they hate seeing their follower count drop more than they hate seeing me. i know i’ve been blocked, unfriended, and called names i can’t respond to before they press that button, a power move to get the last word in that i myself am guilty of using. my ex boyfriend made a hate account for me when we broke up. my numbers drop a little by a couple people on different platforms almost immediately after i share something that i guess people determine is enough of seeing me and my opinons on their timelines or feeds. my roommates talk about me and hide their ig stories from me. one of them reads my tweets, but doesn’t follow me, but she's given me a lot of valuable insight and feedback herself; the other throws temper tantrums, so i know where to put more relationship energy based on maturity and respect. i can’t explain human behaviour, my own or theirs when it comes to this. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to decide to do these things. i could obsess over what possible reason anyone could have to think i’m not incredible. and that’s pathetic of me to do so, to assume so. 

so many things could be a blow to the ego if i let it matter enough. but how do you know when something is insignificant and when something is a sign? my impatience w what i consider “poor performance” has made me seem pretentious, unapproachable, and aloof. so i built up my empathy muscle, i started sharing how things made me feel, what i needed from people, asking them what they needed from me, listening, giving - and that has made a monumental difference in my relationships. i have less of them now (relationships), because it is not a numbers game, but the ones i have i enjoy and i put the work in to grow and maintain, like any other garden, talent, muscle, bond. if i care enough and because i care. 

apathy isn’t cool. we are not above being hurt or taking it personally, wondering what we did wrong instead of just as often deciding that person is trash anyways. so good riddance. ha ha, quality over quantity, yeah i’m never wavering from that perspective! 

but i do waver because as (un)fortunate, (in)convenient, confusing, or exciting as it can be, these perceptions of “what makes me great”, “why does everyone hate me”, “i’m good enough”, “i’m untouchable”, and “i’m trash” are fluid. influenced by read receipts, break ups, little to no interaction w people you have shared laughs and important times with, technology, celebrities and pop culture, childhood flashbacks, adulthood anxieties, etc. 

i’m still trying to make sense of this all. maybe you are where i am at on some or many days as well. i hope i, and you (but i can really only speak for myself, i have to remind myself on this blog) can understand what makes me a remarkable person doesn’t scream louder than the parts i should work on, doesn’t shine so much that i don’t need touch ups or entire renovations of how i act, think, and treat myself and others.

and adversely, people can dislike me because they dislike themselves or because they’re generally bad people w bad taste…or they can dislike me because there are things that i do, real behaviours that are mine, that are dislikable. bad. ugly. allowed to be criticized. allowed to be unwanted.

i can do something about them or i can let my precious, problematic ego inflate while my potential for growth and reconcilable, worthwhile relationships deteriorate. why do i preserve what i preserve? why do i overlook what i overlook? scoffs, tears, eye rolls, thank you’s, hugs. 

i have all this self-awareness and all these options. i just don’t have the foresight to know what is the correct button to press. maybe part of growing up is just taking that journey, for all its guts and glory, because we’re not entitled to the ending we think we deserve. we experience the consequences of our actions, the actions of others, sometimes we get lucky, we get better, we get hurt. i have to be okay w all that, i have to learn and never stop learning from all that. even if, no matter what i become or do or say, people still decide they don’t like me. 

after all, the end game isn’t likability, despite how sick these social media games can make us. my end game, my always game is just growth, goodness, the willingness to experience the refreshing pain of honest self-evaluation and re-calibration. as much as i can see greatness in myself, i’m not above being told there’s something ugly and bad that needs to be looked at too. removed.

maybe this isn’t enough for the people reading who don’t like me. is it insincere? irresponsible? i’m not here to please you or get you to like me; i need to be better, no matter what. this is the truth of how i feel and what i’ve been thinking. 

yes, i like myself. enough to see past mindless hate and not change myself to accommodate others, but also enough to recognize when i need to make real change for everyone’s benefit of being/knowing a better me. 

this is what needed to be said. 

[quietlyhereshhh]

Silent Waves

Fandom: High School Star Musical/StarMyu Pairing: Uozumi x Kaito; UoKai? Is there a ship name for them? Rating: G/PG Other: Contains unrequited Uozumi/Haruto, Uozumi/Otori, Uozumi/Hoshitani and a hint of Otori/Hoshitani. AO3: Hawley (tumblr hides external links so no links here) Sequel: The Siren’s Voice

Uozumi’s love had always been one-sided. No matter how hard he tried and fought, his love would never be returned, taken away by something else; someone else. Something or someone he couldn’t match. Something that he could become so close only for him to fall back to the bottom, merely staring up into the sky – far and distant.

There was no looking back.

They chose something else.

Unrequited love – that was his fate.

Haruto was his first.

He never told anyone this. It was embarrassing to think that at one point, Tsukigami Haruto was his first love considering how even back in their middle school days, he broke the hearts of girls and boys that were attracted to his charisma and achievements. Even without his family name, he was the one to desire.

But Uozumi wasn’t interested in those things.

Sure, he was first attracted to his talent. It wasn’t until they were placed on a Star Team together that he realized the extent of Haruto’s passion though. He couldn’t help but admire his work ethic – the untamed fire in his eyes when he practiced and the ferocity of his will as he looked straight at his goal. He maintained the same frivolous visage from his middle school days but actually seeing him up close for the first time lit something his belly and led him to his world.

A world of unbridled potential.

A world he would never had imagined.

A world standing on stage with Haruto.

Haruto was an inspiration – a muse. He was someone Uozumi wanted to prove something to, working just as hard if not harder. He wanted to be his equal, someone that could proudly perform with without slowing him down. Someone he wanted to see the world with just like Uozumi did to him – share his career, his life.

Even if he was stupidly flaky.

Even if his personality left much to be desired.

Even if Uozumi got annoyed and exasperated with him.

(He didn’t really hate it. Not really. If his anger and, what Futaba called, his ‘mother-henning’, made Haruto turn to him with a genuine laugh rather than that stupid princely smile, he was okay with it.)

Uozumi’s time spent with Haruto increased. They practiced together; ate together; were in the same class together. Uozumi was somewhat jealous that Saotome got to be his roommate but when he measured how much time Haruto was in his room versus when they were with each other, it didn’t matter.

They were practically glued to each other. A pair of stars – the first prince and the second.

Uozumi knew Haruto too well. He knew his quirks – that princely smile that always made his fans fall for him but he could see through like a book. He knew that Haruto wasn’t as mature as he sets himself out to be as he gets incredibly petty when things don’t go his way or someone (usually close to him) does something wrong (Futaba was late once and Haruto wouldn’t forgive him until he did a dogeza). He especially knew that Haruto practiced even past the time Uozumi does, pretending to go back the dormitory but still kept himself awake to read over a script or memorize lyrics.

Of course, he got scolded later but he gave a half-assed sheepish look and a light laugh. He always looked tired and at the same time, was having fun.

And Uozumi couldn’t just force him away from it because he understood. He knew Haruto too well – he loved performing.

He didn’t know how, but by the time they reached their second-year, Uozumi had started cooking for Haruto whenever he decided to take a nap while missing his meals. He started hanging out in his and Saotome’s room more (much to the latter’s dismay) to make sure he slept instead of studying through the night. He kept a watchful eye on him.

And then Haruto got a part on Broadway.

He left.

For those short months after the Graduation Performance where he splendidly (as expected) performed as Alexis’ shadow, he disappeared from Uozumi’s sight and he was left behind at the school.

Uozumi had looked only at Haruto and Haruto only looked ahead.

He had been so immersed with making sure that Haruto was at the top, he didn’t realize how much it was affecting him. He didn’t move forward while he kept pushing his muse to be the best.

How stupid was he?

Now that Haruto was in the limelight where he was meant to be, he knew that he wouldn’t turn back for a second.

After getting into the Kao Council and auditioning for members for his team, Uozumi never knew he could fall so quickly.

He danced with such stunning grace and sang with potential that could go beyond everything he knew – his easy smile charmed the other members but Uozumi knew he had to have him on his team. Needed him on his team. No one else could bring out the shine he produced but him. Otori Itsuki didn’t have a limit – he could soar anywhere he wanted.

But of course, there was a problem:

Haruto

No matter how much was discussed (argued) in the decision-making process, no matter how much Uozumi insisted, Haruto refused to remove his stake on Otori. Even Saotome and Futaba took a step back, acknowledging the seriousness in Uozumi’s tone.

It became a stalemate even until the day before the teams were to be announced and they had to resolve the issue. Saotome stepped in with the impartial and fair method of determining which team Otori would belong to: rock-paper-scissors.

Uozumi (foolishly) prided himself for being the rock-paper-scissors champion at the Ayanagi Cultural Festival, gaining him the first prize of a year’s worth of tickets to the theatres around the area. He knew that Haruto had absolutely no chance against him.

...but he lost.

He lost to Haruto. Again.

It was frustrating; losing his heart and pride to the other and losing at a chance to redeem himself.

He swallowed his pride and gritted his teeth, accepting the result.

He lost fair and square.

Even though Otori was on another team, Uozumi felt drawn to him still. It was hard not to with his flowing, elegant movements contrasting with a sharp profile; the way he performed with abandon that made everything he knew pale in comparison.

Otori was free like a bird going above and beyond. He defied all limits and made Uozumi look from an unimaginable height.

At least until he saw him perform the famed Ayanagi Showtime.

Otori was great. Brilliant even and it felt a bit of not let him be the center (Hiragi held his own, of course) but there was something off about his performance. Where was the life and freedom he fought over? The rumoured problem child that stole his heart? The laughing spirit that he wished he had next to him?

He nearly punched Haruto.

How could he have clipped the wings of a wild phoenix? A phoenix that flew so high that you could barely see it anymore in the distance?

It made no sense. Haruto was (begrudgingly) brilliant. Otori was (marvellously) brilliant. In theory, it was a match made in heaven. The only way it could have been better was if Otori was on Uozumi’s team.

But when it was announced that Otori quit Team Tsukigami, Uozumi ran. He ran to find the young man with the ability to soar in the limitless sky. The one who showed him there was more beyond Haruto, going higher and higher.

He could convince him to be on his team. Somehow. It’ll work out. He’ll let him fly higher with his choreography – as long as he continued moving his heart, his life, his vision. As long as he stayed by his side—

Then Uozumi came to a halt.

He had tried to push the uneasiness in his stomach away – the one that kept telling him that he was wrong in millions of ways, telling that that wasn’t what Otori wanted. He didn’t want to be strapped to the next person, following their arrangements. If he didn’t stay for Haruto, why would he stay with second place?

Besides, Uozumi had mused as he watched the first-year’s figure blur in the rain from the window. It was wrong for him to trap him, make him his when what he loved about Otori was everything he couldn’t have – freedom.

Everything was wrong in Uozumi’s life and there was one thing, one person to blame:

Hoshitani Yuta

It wasn’t the fact that he was five years younger than him or in high school (though that was still a factor). It wasn’t the fact that he was the young protégé of Otori (though that was another). It wasn’t even the fact that he was male (because let’s face it, Uozumi had lost that sense of pride to Haruto years ago, something he regrets in the present).

It was the fact that Hoshitani was useless. Absolutely useless.

And somehow, Uozumi fell for him.

He nearly punched himself because how could he let that happen? A mere child that could barely act to save his life, that dances with two left feet and then some, and had no experience. Whatsoever.

At least, that was at first.

Tireless training couldn’t fix him and that was after Uozumi took the task of privately coaching him. Why Otori took on that student in the first place boggled his mind.

And then he saw him on stage.

He didn’t have the same mysterious aura as Haruto nor the free movements Otori had. He wasn’t even close to their level in every possible way.

But he shone.

He was raw, inexperienced, and full of potential. He wasn’t ready to perform on Broadway or the Globe Theatre.

At least…not now.

But he had the qualities of a star – the brightest of them all. He couldn’t act off-stage but on-stage, it was like he was born there. The inexperience became adaptability; the mistakes became endearing; the naivety became vulnerability.

And Hoshitani stole the show.

There were millions of problems Uozumi had with falling in love this time as Hoshitani became his focus during his time back at Ayanagi. He was becoming too attached and may have been mixing his professional and personal interests by telling him to switch roles – the role Haruto played and the one attached to Otori.

But he truly believed Hoshitani was better suited for Alexis’ shadow despite his bright presence. He could make the role bloom with radiance to the point that a shadow was not merely that – it is its own being, its own role deserving of a solo.

And he did.

Hoshitani performed with such bravado next to Otori. It was a sight to behold having the two of them together. Practically perfect – no one in the audience had to be in love with either of them to know that. 

And Uozumi realized it.

He realized it when he went backstage, about to congratulate Team Otori and the others for their fine performance. He realized it when they all celebrated and cheered and relief. He realized it when their high ceased and there was a look of longing on the stage; the regret of a final performance.

He realized when Hoshitani looked at Otori.

And Otori looked back.

He was sure they weren’t like that during the training camp. In fact, Hoshitani looked more like a puppy that wanted to please his master and Otori looked like he always was – enjoying a new adventure with said puppy.

In the short span of a few months, things had changed.

The radiant sun known as Hoshitani had subdued into a soft glow; a smile faint on his lips. Otori, so unreachable and so high in the sky, bathed in the warmth; a glint in his eyes as they stared at each other.

Ah.

Uozumi understood.

If Haruto and Otori were a match made in heaven, Otori and Hoshitani were made for each other.

And he had lost again.

“Uozumi-san.”

He was leaving Ayanagi once more with Futaba and Saotome by his side. He wasn’t sure if he’d return again as an Ancient or for old memories but it would be a while before he came back.

He stopped at the voice that was both confident and slightly nervous, such a difference from usual. He turned and saw Kaito standing straight with the pride of a Tsukigami in his back. His eyes were serious, looking directly at him.

He bowed.

“Thank you for these months of guidance!”

Uozumi didn’t expect it if he was to be honest. He knew he was harsh to the students, even more to Kaito who nearly broke after he was told to change roles. Of course, he made sure to keep an eye on him so he didn’t, but overall, he didn’t think he deserved such thanks after that.

He expected Futaba to say something of the same or jokingly ask Kaito for his and Saotome’s thanks. But there was nothing and it continued to be so when his two companions walked away, as if to give them privacy.

Uozumi cleared his throat to maintain composure and stared at Kaito’s form.

“Thanks isn’t required,” The boy looked up. His earnest eyes were much different than his frivolous brother’s and it made him smile softly. “You had the talent and skills to win the role of your own volition. My training did little to help in comparison. It was all your hard work that got you the part.”

“That’s not true!” The force of his voice seemed to surprise even Kaito himself. Uozumi noticed him take a small, shaky breath and continued, “I apologize for my outburst. But truly, I wouldn’t have won the role without your guidance. If you did not tell me to switch roles with Hoshitani, I don’t think...I don’t think I would have accomplished so much.”

Uozumi blinked in confusion. Sure, the training roles were a big step in terms of gaining experience and differentiating one’s self from others, but it was a small accomplishment in comparison to the world of theatre ahead of him.

When Uozumi didn’t respond right away, Kaito seemed to have taken this cue to start again.

“I was in my brother’s shadow,” His voice was quiet and accepting but there was a tone of gratification. “I chased after his back my entire life and wanted to catch up. That was my only goal in life and I couldn’t see beyond that. But...”

Uozumi finally understood what everyone meant. He suddenly could see what everyone was saying about the two brothers being similar. Even though Kaito was serious and Haruto was sly, they both had the same intensity when they were focused on something. Except Kaito wasn’t staring ahead at his future – he was staring at him.

“You made me realize I could break out if that. That I could step out of the shadow and find my path separate from him – my own place.

“So once again, Uozumi-san,” He bowed again. “Thank you.”

A wave of embarrassment overwhelmed him not because of Kaito’s sincere words but because he saw right through him. Saw that he was destroying himself as he focused on his brother so vastly different than him; saw him struggle, unmoving and stagnant; saw a desperate attempt to make people see him.

Saw that he was exactly like Uozumi.

The difference was Uozumi didn’t realize it until it was too late. Once he focused on something, he persisted until he got hurt; when he knew he couldn’t do anything else. It happened with Haruto. It happened with Otori. And it almost happened with Hoshitani.

He couldn’t watch the boy in front of him go through the same thing.

“Kaito,” His name rolled off his tongue effortlessly. It was so different from when he called Haruto with disdain or Otori’s with desperation or Hoshitani’s with exasperation. 

To him, saying Kaito’s name was a pleasant feeling.

“Raise your head.”

He had meant to proceed with his thought but he was stunned momentarily. The subtlety needed for Lambert’s shadow was naturally portrayed on Kaito’s face: expectation, worry, curiosity and hope. All intertwined at once; all looking at him.

“It is your own ability that led to this growth,” Uozumi found himself reach over to Kaito’s shoulder. It was warm even through the uniform, “I’m glad I got to see it. And I expect great things from you in the future. You are capable as you are.”

Uozumi blinked once.

He blinked again to make sure his eyes weren’t making a mistake.

Then blinked once more for good measure.

He didn’t recall the last time someone smiled with such genuine delight and admiration. Kaito looked different – younger with a childish expression but eyes filled with soft understanding beyond those years. His cheeks dusted in pink and eyes sparkled like the light against the sea. Uozumi felt himself drowning in them, unable to breathe, everything restricting in his chest at once.

He nearly choked when he realized he did, indeed, stop breathing and quietly recovered, noticing the hand on Kaito’s shoulder hovered near his cheek, ready to place itself there. Biting the inside of his cheek, his raised his hand to Kaito’s hair and mussed it up, causing him to exclaim with indignation.

Uozumi looked away, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt.

“A-Anyway,” When he turned back, he saw that the boy’s hair was a complete mess. He wasn’t smiling anymore (a blessing and a curse) and had a blank look of confusion. Uozumi raised his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat, pretending all was normal and Kaito’s pout was not cute (even with his skills as a top actor, he knew that Kaito would never believe it). “Make sure all of it doesn’t go to waste. I look forward to performing with you one day.”

Uozumi turned, spotting Futaba and Saotome near the gates. Futaba had a smug expression while Saotome didn’t know what he should do.

“Uozumi-san!”

He turned on instinct. Kaito had his hands balled into fists next to his sides. He took a step towards Uozumi but only one as if afraid to close the distance between them. There was a conflicted emotion building up in his eyes but the words flowed out of his lips.

“When that day comes, I look forward to your guidance once again.”

A foolish grin threatened to spread to his face so Uozumi didn’t look back. He began walking towards his companions with a hand above to wave Kaito bye. Saotome scolded him for being rude and Futaba teased him when they were out of sight of the school, calling his smile ‘scary’.

He ignored them both, mind wandering to the future – a future where a young actor might meet him, ready to perform with his heart and soul; lay everything out for Uozumi to see. Someone skilled enough to make him want to push and pull everything in him. A young actor that will turn to him and acknowledge him as an equal, looking straight into his eyes with determination  and something to ignite the flame in him once again.

He looks forward to that day.

Note: I fell into StarMyu hell someone save me.

And people are probably thinking ‘YOU’RE SHIPPING WRONG TSUKIGAMI’ but like listen you...lemme enjoy this.

This was a quick little thing that was briefly looked over because I loved S2E5 a lot. Kaito isn’t my fave when it comes to Team Otori but I FELT SO PROUD OF HIM, YA HEAR. Even though it was mostly Kaito and Hoshitani trying to get their shit together, I felt like Uozumi still had a great impact.

Also, the friggin things Saotome and Taiga say about Uozumi fuels my little heart.

There’s probably lots of mistakes and OoC but I hope you somewhat enjoy this little fic? Still looking for ways to improve my writing!

[snowtoroislord]

List 102: Top Ten Favorite Kuroko No Basuke Characters

Tumblr seems to be the better place to make lists about things that are quicker and not as writing intensive for me. I think it will be my breeding ground for small lists about specific topics now. Hope you enjoy and if you have a list you want me to do about a certain topic or series tell me somewhere on the interwebs! 

Today we cover my favorites of Kuroko no Basuke! 

10. Shoichi Imayoshi

I love characters who pay attention to details. It will be a common thread of the people on here. Imayoshi is a man who is a viper. He coils around his opponents and is always trying to talk his way into their minds. It’s all part of his gameplan. Makes him sound like a douche but off the court he is actually a decent guy, he just loves to be a clever bastard. And the moment you can tell someone who acts so strongly all the time cries even when he loses shows he does it all because he loves the game. 

9. Rinnosuke Mitobe

A silent but sweet man who is always in the background. He is the man of the house a lot of the time and does a lot of the work. That is who Mitobe is. All work and no play and misunderstood because he doesn’t talk. I love silent characters who are given depth by those around him like Koga and his family. They show how much character he really does have despite not needing words to display who he is at heart. 

8. Riko Aida

One of the most involved coaches I’ve seen in a sports series. She is a fellow classmate to all her team, and treats them all like friends. She is always using her intelligence to make the best plan to strengthen her team, self, and all those around her. Observational skills to the max are at her core with how she makes the team a real powerhouse. Also she is so dedicated to caring on and off that court I can’t help but be enamored. 

7. Junpei Hyuga

The team captain should always pull his weight and spread the encouraging vibes no matter the situation. Usually when Hyuga is going well the whole team is. Sometimes he even falters but with the coach at his side he can always find his place again. It’s this dual layer of support that him and Riko give the team and each other that makes Seirin click the way they do. Also Hyuga is a sharp tongued guy and it cracks me up how he isn’t good at speeches but gets his point across regardless. 

6. Yukio Kasamatsu

Here is a captain I truly admire. His team is often in a tough situation without the star power. Most of them are just hardworkers outside of Kise. His work ethic and determination are boundless though. I love Kasamatsu for being the very image of what a captain is. No matter the odds or circumstances he stays steadfast and ready to take it on with his team he believes in. He may come off a bit serious but it is all part of what makes him who he is, a leader. 

5. Kazunari Tako

Smartass characters are always some of the easiest to enjoy. They lightly tease those around them to keep the mood from getting too serious, while simultaneously working hard to keep the morale high. Kazunari is just a fun person. He loves basketball, and is a polar opposite to his teammate Midorima. Yet, they work in coalition so well because Kazunari is smart at knowing how to treat his fellow players with respect. What he seems to lack in serious drive he is using to his advantage to make the best play possible. 

4. Ryota Kise

Kise is easily one of the members of the show that goes through the most growth. His desire to improve in all areas of the game because he isn’t the best at anything but copying is admirable. He even goes so far as pushing his body far past it’s limits for his team. He wants to win for them so badly because he knows how hard they all work to achieve that goal. He is also just a really friendly guy with the best nicknames by far. You can see his shift in attitude and growth as the series goes on very clearly and it makes him go from cocky model to valued ace. 

3. Teppei Kiyoshi

I had to use the same gif haha. Teppei is one of my favorites for a lot of reasons. Characters who are the heart of a team though, are easy to love. Teppei puts his all into making basketball fun and satisfying for everyone who plays it. This even includes his opponents. Despite him wanting to take it seriously he also values the fun factor of the game above all else. He is like the big brother character on the team and it really shows. The only person who strives to show how fun basketball can be even more is.....

2. Tetsuya Kuroko

The phantom man Kuroko! The whole series is because of this little guy. The one who is working harder than anyone else in the shadows. No one takes much notice of Kuroko and how much he puts in, but those who do are very clearly impressed. Kuroko had a hard time with his group of teammates in the past. They all grew to a skill level to where winning was all they valued anymore. The love of the game was gone. And for most sports fanatics the love of the game is the greatest reason to play. Kuroko’s journey was all about showing his teammates why someone who had to work so hard to even be on the same court could be just as valuable or even the most valuable player(MVP!) on the entire team. This is what Kuroko brings. Where he lacks in physical prowess he makes up for with strategy and amazing observational skills. Sports series need a character who pulls it along, but when the person is doing it with a very personal and meaningful reason outside of being the best, it really is something worth being impressed by. Kuroko is the character who beats modern sports character conventions because he plays for his friends and the love of the game before all else. 

1. Aomine Daiki 

Yet, Aomine is still my favorite of the whole bunch. He is the player who is the most talented ball player by far. And it brings him to a level where he can single handedly best other teams. He is a monster on the court and because the challenge was taken out of basketball for him he slowly changed from someone who loved basketball more than anyone, to a cynical player who found it to be almost tiresome. This is why I love Aomine, his arc comes full circle. I love players who are more passionate about the game then anything and that is what he was. Until he lost it. And with Kagami/Kuroko’s help he is finally brought to play at his very best for the first time in a very long time. He had fun again. He felt what he was longing for. He finally got to feel the challenge and in turn Aomine returns to form and is able to slowly find his love again, his absolute love for basketball. He then becomes basically the best supporting character off of Seiren as a commentator who understands the game and brings worthwhile monologuing with it. Aomine is my favorite of Kuroko’s cast because he is the brightest light in the game but something made him lose his shine. It took a shadow to bring his shimmer back, and when he finally shone again it was a sight to behold. 

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own any of the above pictures. The credit goes to the original creators of each and thus will be considered theirs. Enjoy the pics!

Next list if for my friend Jace: Top Ten Butts!

See ya Space Corgis!

[twigcollins]

Yeah, I’m not going to have the thing done by tomorrow.  Work schedule and general insanity prevent forward motion.  Maybe the weekend, I hope.

The thing’s long, too.  I promised myself I’d do the ‘I’m gonna sing the doom song now’ flashback as one chapter, because everyone else only cares about the present-day stuff but there’s a couple of super self-indulgent scenes I really wanted to write... and things, as they always do, have gone a bit awry.

Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

------------------

The scenery passes by, mountains and rivers that will keep on being mountains and rivers no matter what the rest of them do.  Jack checks his phone because it’s habit, because there might be some emergency somewhere - and there is.  It’s him.  A notification from the Watchpoint they just left, to use the back door for safety concerns, until further notice.  Until they can clean up the front lot.

Jack will have to issue some sort of formal apology.  Or maybe they’ll forgive him this one, because of the circumstances.  Of course, Gabriel won’t have to apologize to anyone, and Jack feels a sudden, childish sting of jealousy at the thought.

Torbjörn doesn’t ever feel the need to fill in the silences.  Maybe that’s the reason they’ve gotten along so well over the years - although given how little they talk, would he even be able to tell if they didn’t?  Jack thinks he has some Scandinavian blood in him somewhere, if you go back far enough.  Maybe that’s where the quiet comes from.

“She should have been the last one standing.”  Torbjörn finally says.  “I always thought she’d be there, talking shit at my wake.”  

“We figured you’d just booby trap your coffin.”

Fun fact:  Jack has no idea what his life expectancy actually is.  The SEP didn’t bother calculating out past about a twenty-year estimate, and everything over ten could barely be considered speculation - how could they know?  As far as Jack’s aware, any day now some internal equilibrium will finally tip and he’ll just collapse into a pile of parts, or spontaneously combust.  The spiteful part of him hopes it happens on camera.

“Was he right?  Gabriel?”  Torbjörn says, quietly.  “Could they have… is Ana…?”

Screaming, alone in the dark?  Jack balls his hands into careful fists - anything he touches now, he’s going to break.

“I won’t stop looking, not until we find… I won’t stop.”

Torbjörn is merciful enough to let that pass without comment, to pretend either one of them is holding out hope.  The window is cool where he rests his head against it, and time passes and Jack’s surprised when it’s his own voice, breaking the silence.

“What have you heard, exactly?”    

“Nothing new.”  Torbjörn says.  “Enough.  I know how this works, Jack.  When they’re looking for easy answers, when they just want someone to blame.  It only gets worse from here.”

History’s a pendulum, and that pendulum swings.  It’s nothing personal.  Jack’s seen three US presidents go by, closing in on a fourth.  God only knows how many heads of state and prime ministers.  He’s watched entire countries turn themselves inside out and backwards - this is the way it is, the way it’s always been.

It swings one way, and the world seems full of possibility.  Crisis averted, world saved, and what rises up in the aftermath is strong in all sorts of ways - technological advancements that seem to improve everyone’s quality of life.  Stumbling countries righting themselves, environmental policies finding their legs, fragile peace treaties growing stronger roots.  Omnics granted the rights of sentient species, after endless debate in every possible facet of the world - legal, religious, philosophical.  Debates that are still raging, and the laws - entirely new legal codes, to define what an Omnic is and what that means and it’s still not perfect - far from - but it’s a start.  Of what, exactly, nobody’s sure.   Numbani declares its intentions, a city for all, and the monks in the mountains politely stake their claim and somehow nobody dies for it.  They sell little garlands of paper flags, cut with circuit board patterns as souvenirs near the front gates.  Jack has a strand hanging in a corner of his Swiss office.

It swings the other way, inevitably - and suddenly there’s laws against Omnics owning property, having jobs, ‘cohabitating’ with humans.  A few nations go so far as to ban Omnics entirely - even Omnic limbs, and how can they not at least be past that by now?  Hurting people, hurting themselves for no logical reason whatsoever.  Borders shutting down, people withdrawing from alliances, suspicious of everything.  Federally mandated tribalism, and fear, and hate - two steps forward, one back.  The laws they pass for the people aren’t any better.  It’s like the whole world just decided the best way to survive was to shut the door in each other’s faces.  As if everything they’d learned about teamwork during the Crisis never happened - and Overwatch is a symbol of a world that nobody wants anymore.

In his more realistic moments, Jack thinks that all ‘success’ really means is getting lucky enough to retire on the upswing, to die with the world at least pretending that all that trying had left a mark.

He’s lived too long to get that chance.  A matter of bad timing - no false victories for Jack Morrison  The last sweep of elections has all but created a perfect storm of people that Jack has never done any favors for, and most of his own allies are retired or dead, with anyone who even remembers the Crisis getting older by the day, the way that Jack’s getting older.  Overwatch is out of touch, and none of the people Jack thought were on their side are going to risk themselves on his behalf.

Corruption mostly matters when it’s in someone’s best interest for it to matter.  Ethics are a wonderful thing to wave around when it’s time for a re-election bid.

If only it were easy.  If only Blackwatch were always wrong.  If only getting rid of Overwatch would make all the problems go away.  Would it?  Is he too close, can he just not see it?  Maybe all his critics have been right from the start.  Is Jack Morrison just too damn stubborn to take his life’s work out back behind the woodshed and be done with it?

He’s not afraid of the hard choices, never has been - it’s supposed to be the entire point of him, underneath the camera-friendly shine.  He’s supposed To Do What’s Right.  Which means Jack doesn’t get to be exempt from those rules, even if it hurts.  But there’s still work for Overwatch to do, and they can still do it.  No one else can, not the reaction time or the array of talents or the experience and it still matters, it does.

The suggestion’s been on the table for a while now - if he goes quietly, they’ll let it happen.  Jack gets the gold watch and the cushy consulting gig of his choice, and every hostile implication evaporates as if they’d never been, because ‘beloved retired war hero’ casts a glow that everyone can warm their hands around.

Ana’s gone.  Gabriel would be happy to see him in the ground.  Liao and Reinhardt and now Torbjörn… Jack’s the last man standing.

“What are you going to do?”  Torbjörn says.

Fuck it.  If they want Overwatch so damn bad, they’re going to have to pry it from him, piece by piece.  Jack’s not obligated to make this easy, or tasteful, or clean.  He watches the first few drops of rain hit the glass, dragged into long, thin lines by the speed of the car, and then the whole world blurs under the rain, an impressionist painter who’s run out of any color worth looking at.

“My job.”