#disable my pain inhibitors

[orangemerrin]

Tfw when you forget to take your HRT

[wordy-little-witch]

Honestly I'm just gonna infodump on my Buggy AU bc I am a garbage mammal and I have work in like. 50 minutes. And I don't wanna be an adult.

So Buggy is a fae. His island was called Mystique, and he was about 4 when a preliminary approximate to a Buster Call was ordered. By that point, the fair folk of Mystique were considered high commodities to the wealthy and nobles. It was notoriously difficult to get TO the island, let alone get a person collared and smuggled off. The Fae there had many different kinds but all of them had a sort of "magic" that people didn't understand. ((In truth, it's an advanced branch of Observation Haki that kinda sorta mutated in their species to have a higher aptitude for. It's not IMPOSSIBLE to parn, but it's highly unlikely because the methods they use rely on a secondary set of vocal chords.))

To have a Fae collared and under your ownership became synonymous with wealth, prestige and renown.

It only got worse when eventually it was discovered that the wings the Fae had were made of a unique chemical structure which could be used to make a drug. It gave incredible highs, when prepared one way. It made you highly susceptible to persuasion, prepared another. The latter method also seemed to act as something of a super serum to some. It activated the adrenal gland, and the psychogenic effects essentially bypassed the natural inhibitors in your brain. So you can perform feats unfathomable on Fairy Dust, but it also disables your ability to perceive pain, leading to severe injury, often self inflicted. Prolonged use also strains your heart and ner out system, which leads to death.

Fairy Dust became a sought-after drug for a long time before the Marines decided to step in. Under. The Celestial Dragons' thumbs as they are, the plan was to destroy Mystique and collar as many as they could for monitoring and control of the source for the drug ((and also have access to it themselves as needed)).

Buggy, his sibling, and his mother were taken that day.

He spent a good long while in chains, a slave. Covering his back is a tattoo over a brand. He has scarring around his wrists and neck. He was the only survivor of the escape that led him to the sea.

Fae age differently than humans too, btw. They age slowly but also are highly social kinds of people. So on Mystique, the general populace aged slowly, a reflective process due to proximity.

On the Oro Jackson, Buggy ages a bit slower than most, but he's fairly in line with Shanks' development.

Buggy's Haki awakened very early (both by typical and Fae stadards), but his control of the branch of it that his people were known for was lacking. He was originally going to be used as a party trick essentially for the Masters of the house, but when it was announced that he couldn't do the small minor tricks by the other Faes, trying to protect him, there was anger and outrage. He eventually got assigned as a dancer - the youngest of them all.

There was one party when he was about 6-7 ~ where he was put on the spot to do some 'magic'. Buggy quite literally could not say no. So he tries.

He can use the secondary branch. He clstruggles to control it. The range of his Observation is ridiculously high by any means if the word, and so his range of access to the energies is outlandish as well. He simply can't control the amount properly. It's too much for his small body.

The little sparkler trick he tried damn near exploded. Nobody was hurt, but a girl's dress was slightly damaged. Buggy was punished severely for it.

They tore his wings off.

Not even a week after that, a large storm hit the island. There was a fire. There was chaos. Buggy's mother died. He lost his sibling. He escaped, and fell into the sea after tumbling down a muddy slope.

He washed ashore days later and survived.

A few months into his new life on the streets, he tries to pickpocket a giant of a man with a gaudy mustache and even more eye searing clothes. He is caught.

Roger recognizes the way the kid tilts his head with the wind, the way his pupils follow movements usually unseen. He sees what the child sees, he hears what the child hears, and so he does what the child does - he steals.

He just so happens to steal the child.

Buggy is taken to a pirate ship, offered a meal, a bath, a change of clothes, and amidst his vehement denials and bristling defensiveness, a redhaired boy steps out from a small cabin, and they meet eyes.

There's a ringing of bells in three men's ears, one two three. Shanks brightens. Buggy stares. Roger blinks.

Buggy proceeds to then not explain a single thing ever. And life as a pirate begins. It's only a few years later that Buggy explains, half asleep in Roger's bed after the Edd War, what the bells were, why the ones when he met Shanks were different from the ones that reverberated across the Seas before the ocean herself rose to engage as well; why Buggy, still a Devil Fruit User, had been half clinging to the mast, half hunched, looped fingers at his lips as he blew an unheard whistle to the waves, lips moving before and after the silent sound, pupils sharpened diamonds in a sea of glacier blue.

The Seas may entice him to a watery grave, the oceans may be his eternal tomb, but Buggy can hear and request things of the land and sky and sea that mortal men could barely fathom. Bells, he slurred, wedged between his father captain and his best friend, are the sounds of magic.

Outta time now gotta go, if anyone wants to hear more PLZ ASK ME I'M FERAL. SHAKING THE BARS OF MY CAGE

[valleyfthdolls]

🍫🎭🧸🦾 😶 for shadow

🍫 A headcanon about food: You get 2. 1, Shadow has pica, an eating disorder characterized by compulsively eating things of no nutritional value. Shadow tends to chew on and eat rocks and ice bc he likes how hard it is to chew. The closest thing to food that satisfies that craving is coffee beans, which is why he likes those so much- they satisfy the compulsion while still being food enough. 2, Having spent his whole youth on the ARK, he has almost zero exposure to different types of food. He’s so used to bland shit that he cannot handle any kind of intense flavor or spice.

🎭 A headcanon about what they lie about: Shadow is a pretty straightforward person to me, but I think he tends to “lie” and downplay his feelings about those around him bc it’s hard to admit that he cares. Not so much an outright lie, but a lie of omission. He also tends to do this with his PTSD, because opening up requires vulnerability. For example, Shadow canonically gets flashbacks so intense they cause him physical pain, but I think he tends to avoid disclosing the flashback part of that.

🧸 A headcanon about their childhood: He and Maria had a lot of shellac records from the ARK’s creation in the 20s-30s. Maria liked to sing along while she read.

🦾 A disability headcanon: By keeping his body regulated, his inhibitors help him to not suffer too much from his injuries, but since he wasn’t wearing them when it happened, the burns and injuries he sustained falling to Earth in SA2 are very deep and won’t quickly heal like his other injuries. He’s got some chronic pain from those- also, his wounds are like my scars, and every. Every fucking touch to them. Registers as pain. Any amount of pressure on his scars is enough to send him into self defense mode. As such, he’s wary about being touched. Chronic pain is enough without people with no ill will accidentally triggering it.

😶 A random headcanon!: The memory loss in Shadow the Hedgehog was not and scientifically could not have been caused by head trauma because then he would never have been able to get those memories back let alone have them just randomly resurface (such as the flashback at the beginning of the game). It being psychologically induced makes more sense to me- his brain had no idea how to keep going after all that, and so it did the only thing it could think of and tried to protect him from it by blocking out all the memories so Shadow could survive.

[deimostes]

okay god. some ark swap au notes <3

important to note that maria the hedgehog (or hedgemari, as i call her in my head) is still disabled in this au. experiences chronic pain. the inhibitor rings help, but the chronic pain was never something addressed by gerald since he was like well, she's the ultimate lifeform, she can't get sick (gerald ableism moment but hey this guy famously did not consider the feelings of the ultimate lifeform in sa2).

the dialogue of maria and shadow's "what do you think it's like on earth" conversation doesn't change much from sa2 - maria proceeds to talk about how gerald wanted to make people happy thru science - BUT shadow is still the one to wonder why he was born and that maybe on earth he'd find the answers. it'd still be something he wonders as a terminally ill human teenager. i'm trying to maintain their mainline personalities even with the similarities they have (they share the same soul after all!), and i think very much like how people portray maria in fanon, shadow would be Tired of his life up on the ark. had he lived to see earth he wouldve ended up very similar to canon, finding joy in things like lavender and tiramisu and supporting local convenience stores, but hey sorry kid you gotta die for the narrative </3

while designing hedgemari i didn't wanna overcomplicate her like a lot of the popular mobian maria designs from back in the day (no disrespect they're fun but kindove A Lot compared to the sonic design philosophy). i wanted to keep her silhouette similar to shadow's, keeping in mind the theory of him being based on the hidden palace mural in s3&k (and him being star shaped). i think it's fun how nicely it all aligned that she looks like super sonic, so that's where people's confusion of her and sonic would come from in this universe.

hedgemari is also not part black arms like canon shadow is! i have yet to actually think in depth of the events of shadow 05 in this au but i know it would go pretty different regarding black doom's motivations for wanting her to join him AND maria's personality and her approaching her amnesia differently from shadow. (spoilers: black doom has beef with a long-dead gerald for breaking the deal of making her with his blood and wants maria's power for the black arms anyway. he's like a fucked up stepdad instead of bio-dad like shadow's case)

don't get it twisted though. she still has a rivalry with sonic and can be a little blunt and mean. she's maria, but she's not exactly the same polite maria from canon, even if the kindness in her heart drives her same principles. she gets underestimated due to her appearance (and being a girl lol), but it doesn't stop her from being ruthless to a point.

[fagsystem]

Also, from a cripple perspective:

The smallest thing that you can do does not have to be 3 or 5 minutes of walking. It can be one minute. It can be less. I understand advice like this can be daunting if even 3 minutes feels like overexertion, but the point that should be re-emphasised is that it is what your limits are.

You also do not have to go out to do it. It does not have to be across your yard or around your block. It can be around your own home. A lot of times the inhibitors of doing things like going on a walk is, "What if I can't get back? What if I walk a bit away from my home, and then I am stuck there/cannot get back without extreme pain?"

It could be walking from your room to the kitchen and back. It can be pacing next to your bed so that way you are only a few steps away from it if you need it.

It also does not have to be walking.

What is easy/hard for you will depend entirely on you and your body. For me? Walking is one of the worst things for me and my specific disabilities. It just is.

Do you want to know what isn't?

Circus.

I genuinely find hauling my body weight around in the air easier than I do walking for five minutes. It is okay that the exercise everyone calls the easiest is hard for me, far harder than an intense form of exercise. It is so easy to feel reluctant to exercise when the things that are meant to be easy are not something you can do, even if there is other stuff that's 'harder' that you can do.

For me, the biggest thing I had to get over was the worry about how people perceive walking as 'easy' and circus as 'really difficult no one but the fittest people can do it'. The fact that many people would see me do circus and believe I should be able to walk easily, because walking is 'easier', used to get to me. It still does sometimes.

You do not owe anyone a baseline of athleticism where you can do 'easy stuff' before you can do 'harder' things that are just better for you and your body.

I guess just overall what I am saying is that this advice is really, really good. You should do what you find easy and, when you are ready, increase it. That is a good way to get physically active. However, what is easy for you is not built on society's expectations of what is and is not easy. Take this advice for what is easy for you and your body, not what's expected of you.

Quick reminder that cripple is a slur. If you are not physically disabled, don't say it. That said, while this was coming from a physically disabled perspective, if it resonated with you it is for you. Society's expectations for what you should be able to physically do are absolutely useless, and many people would really benefit from deconstructing that.

I was talking with my housemate about how to be more physically active if you’re not used to it at all because everywhere you’re told to start a training routine where you push yourself a little every day, and while that may seem easy for some people it can be really fucking daunting if you start from zero.

As someone who comes from a very physically active family that doesn’t exercise just for the sake of exercising but do things like walk to the grocery store and bike to work, here’s my advice that has always worked for me:

Go super duper easy on yourself.

If you want to walk more start by walking for 3 or 5 minutes. The shortest possible walk you feel you’re capable of. A trip around the block or across the yard. You don’t need to sweat or get your blood pumping. Just a short stroll. The hardest part is to convince yourself to set aside 5 minutes every day to go on this short walk but nothing else about it should be hard. Do it every day and one day you’ll realize that you don’t want to go home just yet. It’s very important that you don’t think “I want to pressure myself to walk further” but rather “I haven’t spent all my walking energy yet. I have more walk in me” and only then do you lengthen the walk. I repeat, at no point should it be exhausting or difficult because even when it feels easy your body will be building muscle and stamina and it will eventually feel too easy and you’ll naturally want to crank it back up to easy again.

If you’re not used to being physically active it might not make a ton of sense when I say that you’ll have more walking energy left but trust me, you’ll get it when you get there.

I grew up with going on evening walks with my parents and passed that on to other housemates who didn’t get it at first but are now going on walks long after they moved somewhere else. Because once you get the hang of it you’ll realize how calming it is on the brain to move the body even if the body isn’t exhausted afterwards.

And it of course helps to entertain yourself especially in the beginning. My housemate started out listening to audiobooks and podcasts but eventually realized Pokémon Go was the best motivator. Whatever you feel like you want to do on your 5 minute easy stroll.

[finex7]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:30 AM

> hello neroooo

> nerooooooo. with the ooh sound

> hahahahah

> another day... possibly more pool time!

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:37 AM

> Lmao

> Yassss

> I won't go today but you enjoy!

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> I hope I will. I have an insane amount of anxiety right now out of nowhere.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> aw

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:38 AM

> then again, I have insane amounts of anxiety almost every day xD

> there's this medication I wanna try, but I'm dreading spending 100 BRL per month on it... when I already spend a lot on my other medications too

> then again, I probably should. 100 per month isn't that much. I can afford it. it's just... ah... spending money hurts me emotionally.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:40 AM

> What does it do

> How many meds are you on

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:41 AM

> I'm not sure actually hahah I had looked it up but I forgot now hehe

> I'm on 2 daily ones

> desvenlafaxine in the morning, it's a dual antidepressant. inhibits recapture of serotonin and norepinephrine

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:43 AM

> Interesting

> Did it help

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:44 AM

> trazodone at night. it's a... an antidepressant

> Trazodone is an antidepressant that belongs to a group of drugs called serotonin receptor antagonists and reuptake inhibitors (SARIS).

> huh, so it... disables the receptors or something?

> I forgot all I knew about pharmacology...

[[NeroFas Did it help]]

> all I know is that I'm worse without it. hahah

> so I guess it does help.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:46 AM

> Ok Imao

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:48 AM

> I can't function without desvenlafaxine. if I go without it for 2 days or more, I get really moody, very irritable, crying easily, head gets foggy and dizzy, etc

> symptoms increase with the time I go without it.

> without trazodone, I can't sleep.

> it makes me sleepy.

> I started taking it last year when I started having insomnia, on my last month of uni

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> I see

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:49 AM

> yeah.

> but those are withdrawal symptoms.

> if I slowly lower the dosage, I can wean myself out. it's what I did with lithium and quetiapine

> so I don't take them anymore.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:51 AM

> Good idea

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:52 AM

> i was doing the same with desvenlafaxine, but then the "last semester of uni + graduation + drastic change from student to worker" combo hit me so hard xD

> 2022 was difficult for me.

> and then I lost olive, too.

> he's not dead. but he might as well be. in fact, it'd be easier if he was

> I think my therapist misjudged how harshly it would affect me.

> she's the one who suggested me being straightforward.

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> Sorry that happened

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:54 AM

> it was like ripping off a band-aid.

> but the wound underneath wasn't healed

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> Yeah mood

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 AM

> and so it's been exposed. anything that touched it hurt so badly.

> it's a bit better now.

> but sometimes it still feels like the pain is unbearable.

> I couldn't imagine living without him. but now I am forced to.

> he was my lifeline for so many years

> now I have to force myself to swim. but I haven't learned it yet

> wow, what a way to start the day hahah

> I'm sorry I'm talking about this

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:57 AM

> No it's ok

> I am having my own What a Way to Start the Day

Luminifera Yesterday at 3:07 PM

> yes pool but it started raining so we came to the tiny heated pool that is indoors

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:17 PM

> feeling awful now

[[Luminifera feeling awful now]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:18 PM

> I made a comment about my friend's insecurity and offended her on accident.

> she was sad about it.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:31 PM

> it's not because of that. I have identified the source of my distress.

> it's her girlfriend and one of her girlfriend's friends.

> they don't like me. I'm sure of it.

> they think I'm annoying and they can't stand me. I feel it.

> it's the vibe.

> they see me as a burden.

> it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes, but luckily I've never been with them in person.

[[Luminifera it's a similar vibe that I get from autumn and mel sometimes]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:37 PM

> similar but much worse.

> autumn and mel are nice about it.

> not that these girls are rude or anything. it's the coldness in their eyes. the expressions of disgust in their faces.

> they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".

> I don't want anyone to see me cry.

Luminifera Yesterday at 5:47 PM

> having a kpop group as my screen saver and phone background might be cringe when other people see it, but it always makes me feel better to see them

> it's like they're guardian angels. muses. imaginary friends.

> like, I know they're real people whom I know nothing about xD but I'm talking about the persona they have as a group.

> if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.

> excellent idols.

> my imaginary friends irene, seulgi, wendy, joy and yeri

> they're supposedly the imaginary friends of a little girl who made them up as personalities for her dolls, to play with. or something. it's a "theory" about their group hahahah. "lore" as the kids say it

> it works like that for me.

> it has a calming effect on me.

> I also like that they're color coded.

> my beautiful friends in their colorful gingham dresses.

[[Luminifera they're not saying anything, but their body language spits, "I don't want you here".]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:03 PM

> I can't stand up to them and I think this makes them dislike me even more.

> because then I'm the victim, right? and that's disgusting to them. that I offended someone, and yet, I'm the one who acts all shy and small and hiding

> nevermind that it wasn't on purpose. in fact that would make it worse.

> because I'm not even an asshole.

> I'm just weak. disgusting.

> and then I keep acting weak (because I'm scared of them), which is even more disgusting.

> of course, I'm just making this all up in my head. all those reasons and rationale and connections between things.

> but the disgust is real. I can sense it. I know it.

> just like I can look at the sky and know that it's gray.

> I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.

> and she helped make the food.

> worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having me go back home in her car with her.

> I really really really don't want that.

> and I'll bet she doesn't want it either, but she'll do it if everyone agrees it's best.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:11 PM

> this is something that I absolutely hate: the way everything is always veiled. never out in the open.

> they will never admit that they dislike me

> so if I say anything, I'm crazy. I'm imagining things. I'm victimizing myself. it gives them even more reason to dislike me.

> my friend's gf at least sometimes feels bad for being cold to me. but I don't think her friend feels anything for me but disgust and indifference.

Luminifera Yesterday at 6:44 PM

> crying makes everything worse.

> i don't like feeling unwelcome. but this is the worst: feeling unwelcome by some, but others want you to be there. so you can't just leave.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:04 PM

> guess what was decided

> I'd rather go by bus. really really rather do that.

> I'm now trying to build up the courage to go tell them about it.

> I'm also thinking about [redacted]

> in that you could fall asleep peacefully, and then die. like... is there a better possible suicide method? imagine? you just fall asleep and then you're dead?

> best course of action.

> I think I'll just. hide somewhere. and then they'll go without me.

> I wish I hadn't come. I wish I'd stayed home.

> I'm so sorry for the trouble I'm going to cause them. I really am. but I can't do this.

Luminifera Yesterday at 7:24 PM

> gonna try to find a place to hide. wish me luck.

[[Luminifera if I ever saw them irl, I'd want to thank them for doing their job very well.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:12 PM

> I completely understand

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:17 PM

> I'm hiding.

> they will be angry with me.

> rebeka especially.

> she's my friend's gf.

> she will probably try to convince them to leave me here.

> maybe my friends will agree. I wouldn't blame them.

> I am being obnoxious.

> I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. for them. I didn't want to do this.

> I was just too scared. I'm terrified. I can't take it.

> I'm... I don't know what I am.

> but I couldn't take it.

> I ran away.

> I'm hiding from the rain by the side of a church.

> it's really raining a lot.

> my friends will be angry.

> it's good that they're angry.

[[Luminifera worse, she lives somewhat close to my neighborhood, so the others might have the idea of having]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:20 PM

> she went home by herself.

> I haven't asked anyone. but I suppose things were rearranged so that I'd come back with my friend and rebeka.

> but I'm scared. I'm really scared of her.

> I don't know why. I'm not sure why I'm so scared of her. I don't know what in her is so terrifying.

> I couldn't stand it. it was too much. I was huddling and crying. I couldn't. I couldn't stay there.

> it's good if my friends are angry at me and like me less. because they'll miss me less when I die.

> if they leave me here, I'll find a way home. I dont know how. maybe i can ask someone in this church to take me to the bus station.

> I have my phone with me. and my card.

> and a water bottle.

> and my jacket.

[[Luminifera I don't want to go downstairs to eat, because she's there.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> Go compliment the food!

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:23 PM

> that's all I have. everything else was in my bags. my friend put them in the car.

[[NeroFas Go compliment the food!]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> I did not like the food. I ate it because I know my body needs food. and because I didn't want to offend them by not eating.

[[Luminifera I really really really don't want that.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:24 PM

> Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:25 PM

> I don't even have my earbuds... I should have put it in my pocket. but I didn't. it's in my backpack.

> rebeka will be angry if she put it in the trunk and then I ask for it. I think she put it in the trunk though. I don't want to ask.

> I don't want to have to deal with any of that.

> my friend is calling me. the male one. he's angry with me, I know it. I'm not answering the calls.

> hate me. please. go on and just hate me. leave me here.

> and don't forgive me.

[[NeroFas Have you considered your negativity is self creating? Maybe she thinks you hate her]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 8:26 PM

> oh she does not, they know I don't hate any of them

> this woman is preaching quite the sermon at this church.

> it's about hiding in fear.

> ironic!

> I should go back.

> but I'm scared.

> they will be angry.

> I don't want to face their anger.

[[Luminifera it's good that they're angry.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 8:57 PM

> Why

> Oh I see what you said for why

> What a bad day

> When you go back you can say you went for a walk and ironically went to church

> Its ok, you didn't do anything bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:05 PM

> they found me.

> they're very angry.

> they're all wet from the rain.

> another three of them went looking too, but they left their phones in the house.

> I am absolutely terrified.

> I cannot interact with them. it's not safe.

> I hope they hate me.

> I hope it works.

[[NeroFas Its ok, you didn't do anything bad]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> yes I did.

> I ran away. they're all wet because of me. 3 people are still walking around in the rain looking for me.

> I hope they all hate me forever and ever.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> Oh they are so stupid for not bringing their phones

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:07 PM

> I hope they don't want to be friends with me anymore

[[Luminifera I hope they all hate me forever and ever.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> You don't actually want that

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:08 PM

> I don't. I'll be very sad. but that will help. the sadder i am, the easier it will be to further convince myself that I should die

> so I'll be less scared of it.

> why is that my plan, nero?

> why do I want to die?

> my family will be devastated.

> ohhhhh but I'm sure rebeka hates me. for sure now.

> she never liked me. now she hates me I bet.

> unfortunately that solves nothing. if the others don't hate me too.

> my friend's brother's friends were very nice to me.

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> rebeka is super upset. I'm scared.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok

> So you have to convince yourself they're not ok

[[NeroFas I think you still mentally only opérate with the perspective of things not being ok So you have to convince]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> And then maybe you make things worse lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:10 PM

> why did I run away. it's worse now. oh god.

> I'm scared.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> See i think you crave things to be bad

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I'm really really scared

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Of what?

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I should have just walked into the sea

> I'm scared of her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> I don't know

> she is profoundly scary

> I have snot all over my face.

> from all the crying.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:11 PM

> Why don't you apologize to her and say you've been overwhelmed

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> bc that will fix nothing.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> It will make you less afraid of her

> Try talking to her

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> it will make them all even more mad at me.

> especially her.

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:12 PM

> No it won't lol

> She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:13 PM

> my friend is sick. she has a very sore throat. she had a fever for the past two days. she prescribed herself antibiotics and bought them today though

> but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.

> she's all wet and it's my fault. she will get sicker.

> it's my fault

> they want to call my mother.

> they'll tell her.

> my mom will be super worried

> well, fuck that. my mom is fucking stupid. I'm kind of fed up with her.

[[NeroFas She might not be nice but they will not be mad at you]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:14 PM

> they are and will be even madder at me

> bc I did this to them. I ran away. and so they went out looking for me

[[Luminifera but then she went out in the rain to look for me. with no jacket.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:16 PM

> Aw she cares about you

> Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult

> This isn't running away this is taking a walk

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:17 PM

> no. I didn't tell anyone I was going.

> they were very worried.

> I have decided. I will tell them what I did. and why (to the best of my abilities).

> I don't know why I'm so scared of rebeka. I have no idea. but it is a very real fear.

> when the missing people come back.

> which I hope they do soon.

> my head hurts.

[[NeroFas Lumi it's ok to walk away you're an adult]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:19 PM

> I told myself this.

> I think I'm now going to be an adult with no friends.

> it's what I deserve.

[[Luminifera it's what I deserve.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 9:21 PM

> See, you crave things to be bad

> Deny yourself and let them be good

Luminifera Yesterday at 9:55 PM

> they won't be good.

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they think I had a childish attitude.

> I think... I think they don't understand.

> what it's like. to be terrified.

> incredibly enough, it appears that my friend's brother and his friends understood.

> some of them. his girlfriend looked me in the eyes and said she definitely understood me.

> she's only 21.

> he also looked like he got it.

> I think they're depressed too. they must know what it's like.

> I think I had a psychotic break.

> back to the blackboard. drawing the plan to kill myself.

> nero, I know I sabotage myself. I'm sorry.

> I feel like writing letters.

> I'm so sorry for my self, even. this person... she could be someone amazing

> if only someone else lived inside her.

> she could have been so happy...

> you hate me too, right?

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> No lol, and if that's an indicator of your "other ppl hate me" it might not be very accurate haha

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> but my friends DO hate me now. I'm sure of it

> they don't want to be my friends anymore.

> they say it's not my person that they don't like. it's my attitudes

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> I doooo think you had something go on today

> A break down of some kind

> Maybe your therapist can help make sense of it

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:01 PM

> they don't understand that it makes no difference.

> and that it's in fact worse.

> because no matter what I do... how good I try to be... I can try my best.

> my attitudes are never enough.

[[NeroFas Maybe your therapist can help]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:02 PM

> I don't deserve therapy

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> I will go see her. my therapist.

> and tell her all of this.

[[NeroFas You are trying to sabotage yourself again lol]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:03 PM

> losing my friends was part of it.

> nero. I'm scared.

> I'm scared that I really am going to kill myself.

> I don't want to die

> help me

> I don't know what to do

> I'm scared...

> I'm scared. I'm scared.

> I miss olive.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:05 PM

> What did he say in times like this?

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:09 PM

> I don't know.

> he always knew how to calm me down.

> I'm very scared and there's nothing I can do. no running anymore. I'm stuck in a car with them.

> they hate me.

> nero, I don't understand. help me understand.

> they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were just very angry. they think I was childish.

> I don't understand if they care about me or not.

> she said it was a loss of trust.

> what I did.

> that she can't trust me if I'll run away after any fight or disagreement.

> does that mean they cared about me, but now they don't anymore?

> I don't understand.

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:20 PM

> I feel like... it's like what olive felt.

> like I'm too much work.

> they don't want to feel responsible for me anymore. just like he did.

> so they drop me.

> they don't care if that makes me worE.

> worse*. in the end, only my family will remain

> if I kill myself, will they care?

> will they feel bad for having dropped me.

> I don't think so.

> I think they would be relieved.

> that they didn't have to watch me die.

> that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.

[[Luminifera they went out in the rain looking for me. they were worried. but they weren't happy to find me. they were]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:22 PM

> They do care about you but they were frustrated

[[Luminifera that they did a good thing by leaving me. because i was a lost cause.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:24 PM

> You make up awful stories about your friends unu

> Sorry I'm not more helpful by the way

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:27 PM

> I want to run away again. far away.

> and just... be alone...

> nero

> I think

> subconsciously

> I didn't think they were good friends to me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> Maybe not the people for you. You don't like party people

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:28 PM

> so when I weighed it... the pros and cons. I did it unconsciously I'm sure of it. I always weigh everything.

> I knew they would be angry

> I knew it and I thought it was worth it

> they act like of course they wouldn't just leave me

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> You wanted it maybe

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> but I really, really thought they would.

> leave without me.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:29 PM

> I still think your unconscious is your bully

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:30 PM

> she is very mean to me. but she wants me to survive. she's concerned for my safety.

> I like the song that's playing right now.

> it's about time.

> a beautiful brazilian song from the 80s.

> listen when you can, if you want. Tempo Perdido - Legiao Urbana

> I was surprised with the gentleness with which my friend's brother's friends treated me.

> the kindness they showed.

> I had not expected them to care about me, in the least. literally. thought they wouldn't care at all

[[NeroFas I still think your unconscious is your bully]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:35 PM

> no. the bully is in my consciousness.

> my subconscious is just worried about my safety.

> my subconscious... is the victim.

> she's the part of me that constantly victimizes herself... because it's all she knows.

> if there's no abuser... she makes one up.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Why do you want to be the victim

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I don't think I want to

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I wonder if it's bc you were raised by someone like that

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> I think she doesn't know how to be someone else.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:42 PM

> Like I have no reason to be nervous about the things my mom is nervous about

> And yet I am

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:45 PM

> so she always reverts to that. it's what she knows.

> yes. having being raised by the victim: "this is the blueprint. this is how to be."

> my grandma is not like that. I wonder what happened to my mom.

> I have a feeling... a want. to be totally honest and open with my grandma when I arrive.

> ah, it won't come true.

> she will be asleep.

> and when I wake up tomorrow... I will be shy again.

> nero, can I ask you to help me with it?

> tell me to do it. to open up with her.

> she will tell and the whole family will know, but...

> you know what? I'm so tired of this game of pretending.

> pretending everything's fine.

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> You should definitely tell her about your feelings and experience

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:48 PM

> this stupid game that my family likes to play

> I think it's ridiculous.

> we're not strangers. we're family. we're supposed to help and support each other, not gossip and judge each other! of course some gossip and judging is unavoidable, and that's ok. but it shouldn't be the focus, never!

> I will tell her this, too.

> I'm not fine.

> I'm really really struggling. my whole life is changing... so fast.

> I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.

> "oh, my life... is changing every day... in every possible way."

[[Luminifera I didn't think they were good friends to me.]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 10:55 PM

> now that I think on it...

> I have been thinking that for a while.

> a good while!

> I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.

> she said it would be fine, she doesn't dislike me, it'll be fun etc

> then I was worried about the food. bc I know I'm... particular about what I eat.

> then I was worried about sleeping.

[[Luminifera I feel like I am awakening. like I was just born.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 10:59 PM

> That's kind of awesome tbh

[[Luminifera I told my friend that I was hesitant to go on this trip with them. because I was already scared of rebeka.]]

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:00 PM

> Aw you should not have gone

> (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:16 PM

> I slept just fine. I ate the food, didn't enjoy it, but I didn't starve. I managed to have some fun some of the time.

> but in the end, it was my fear. of people. I didn't feel comfortable around them, that's the truth of it, and that's what made this happen. that's it.

> anyway. perhaps... perhaps I am a very perceptive person and rebeka does have something in her for me to be scared about. or perhaps I'm just insane.

> probably both!

> I will write letters to them: my friend's brother and his friends. and my male friend's boyfriend, edson.

> they were kind to me. actually, Edson was the only one who reacted like what I now think I would have reacted too, had I been in their place instead... angry and upset, yes, but also very relieved. firm and stern about "never do that again! you shouldn't have done that!", but also making a little joke about how he went looking for me, and he hugged me before leaving.

[[NeroFas (Is ok to run away and cry sometimes I just did that too)]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:17 PM

> you just ran away to cry?

> what happened?

> tell me, I want to help if I can

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:24 PM

> it's okay if you don't want to open up.

> I understand that people like me don't seem capable of listening... and being helpful.

> because we're so fragile

NeroFas Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> Oh i just had a bad day and something stupid set me off

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:25 PM

> tell me about it?

[redacted]

[[NeroFas Obviously I am also bothered by your day but don't feel bad for telling me]]

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:34 PM

> I feel like I'm going to be alright.

> I'm not going to die.

> I'm going to live!

> I'm going to make friends.

> other friends.

> somehow. I'll find people for me.

> people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?

> people who don't think mental illness is childish.

> I'm glad neither of those friends want to be psychiatrists anymore. they used to, you know?

> I think I'll be a great one. if i do go that route.

> maybe that's my fate, and this is why I suffer so much: because my future patients need me to understand their pain.

> that would make a beautiful story, wouldn't it?

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:46 PM

> I'm home.

Luminifera Yesterday at 11:55 PM

> just looked in the mirror.

> despite everything, it's still me.

> I am myself.

[[Luminifera people who want me in their lives... people who don't make me feel like an afterthought?]]

NeroFas Today at 12:07 AM

> They are out there

> But I'm thinking you're just trying to make me feel better

Luminifera Today at 12:36 AM

> hmm?

[redacted]

Luminifera Today at 12:37 AM

> I spent some time on youtube just now. distracting my mind a bit

> now it's time to shower and sleep.

> I am hungry, but I also feel nauseous.

NeroFas Today at 12:39 AM

> I'm cooking

> Frying tofu for my friend

Luminifera Today at 1:21 AM

> spent more time on my phone...

> now I really don't need it.

[[NeroFas Frying tofu for my friend]]

Luminifera Today at 1:22 AM

> looks yummy!

> I miss eating yummy food

[[Luminifera now I really don't need it.]]

NeroFas Today at 1:32 AM

> Don't need what ?

Luminifera Today at 1:52 AM

> to spend time on my phone.

> didn't need to be distracted anymore.

> I am thinking out at length about what to write to my friends.

> can I send it to you eventually? so you can tell me what you think

> it's okay if you don't want to

> I don't want to pester you

Nero Fas Today at 1:57 AM

> How will you send them to them? And sure

Luminifera Today at 2:05 AM

> i was thinking about writing and sending them as actual letters

> would make it more meaningful and would also mean I'd have to double and triple and quadruple check my words.

Luminifera Today at 12:44 PM

> hello

> I woke up. my mom is here too. :)

> grandma is making lunch.

> I feel better.

> oh, you should definitely adopt a dog if you dreamed about it!!!

> I forgot what I dreamed about tonight.

Luminifera Today at 1:47 PM

> feeling nervous.

Luminifera Today at 2:00 PM

> anxious...

Luminifera Today at 2:39 PM

> my tummy hurts from it. the anxiety.

> do you think I should tell my grandma about how it was?

> it's like I swallowed all these feelings and now they're bubbling up in my stomach, wanting to come back up.

Luminifera Today at 2:51 PM

> I feel absolutely defeated

Luminifera Today at 3:02 PM

> I feel like my friends don't know what it's like to be in fear

> they didn't understand

> I don't know what they think of me

> but they don't think the truth

> they didnt... they didn't see... they saw something else... I couldn't make myself understood...

> I want to run away from all of this... not them and that specific situation. but this world. this society. I don't understand it. I'm scared of it. I don't want to live in it.

> it's scary.

[humanoidpigeon]

Me and my friend when Raiden asks Doktor to disable his pain inhibitors (it’s one of the boowomp videos):

[stawscweam]

Starlight (Transformers OC)

General Information: 

She/Her pronouns

Forged

Minibot

Microjet alt-mode

She’s a Primalist that has a tattoo of the Matrix on her left cheek

Her optics glow vibrantly when she’s strenuously using Empath, they naturally glow brighter than most Cybertronians because her power is always active

Personality:

Pure, passionate and precious

Soft-spoken but adamant on her values

Always sees the best in others and believes anyone can change for the better

Can never say no to others and always puts their troubles over her own

Vehemently despises using her powers, because she feels like the abomination those in power view her and her kind

She fears she unintentionally manipulates the emotions of others to benefit her, whether that’s by befriending her, agreeing with her or any other such possibility

Refrains actively using her powers on others without their explicit permission

History:

An outlier with the ability called “Empath”

She can experience and control the emotions of others

Her range is city-sized and is always active, but it drains her immensely and she constantly has to keep her ability in check

Experiences massive migraines when she overly exerts her powers and can offline temporarily from sensory overload 

Thoroughly exhausts her to experience extreme emotions from others or apply to others

Could permanently offline herself if pushed too far 

The versatility of her powers include:

Forging emotional bonds with loved ones via touch that allow her to sense their emotional presence from any distance

Healing emotional wounds by taking their pain into herself

Experiencing the emotional residue left in places from major events

Imprinting her own emotions onto others

Senator Shockwave enrolled her into the Jhiaxian Academy of Advanced Technology in her youth

Extremely fond of Shockwave and his friend Senator Dai Atlas, aspired to become a liberal Senator like them 

Starlight learned more of the Knights of Cybertron and ancient Cybertron from Dai Atlas directly, he quickly became fond of the young Primalist

She had a crush on Skids during their academy years, but never acted on her affections due to her shyness and fear of artificially implanting her feelings into him

Focused her studies on the social inequalities of pre-War Cybertron and solutions to rectify them

She also researched the societies and cultures of other species in the universe

Rejected Functionism and believed the alt-mode of a Cybertronian was not an indicator of their vocation

Did not subscribe to the notion of ratioism, abundance or scarcity of an alt-mode did not dictate a Cybertronian’s worth

Horrified by the past social apartheid administered against cold-constructed bots and routinely debunks the myth of their “inherent” depravity

Opposed the vile caste system rooted in the social structure of Cybertron perpetrated by the Grand Cybertronian Taxonomy and advocated the equality of all mechs

Against the belief of Cybertronian supremacy

She avoided “altercations” with the Senate and Functionist Council by utilising her “resources”

Senator Shockwave and Senator Dai Atlas protected her as well

She ended up becoming a scholar on social sciences who joined the Circle of Light in the new Crystal City on Theophany after the rise of the Decepticons

Sympathised with the Decepticons, but did not want to join the war

Starscream tried to recruit her, “One Star-person to another...”

A pacifist who believes in peaceful revolution

She’s not a fighter and cannot fathom the idea of hurting another being

Saddened by the corruption of the Decepticon’s cause

Afraid of Star Saber and tried to talk him out of his plans for an atheist holocaust and his hostile faith while they resided in Crystal City

Dai Atlas told her to give up on convincing the stubborn evangelist, but she could never do such a thing, “Everyone can be saved.”

Amica Endura to Wing and prayed for him, Drift and the others to survive their battle against the Slavers and Lockdown

She and Dai Atlas shared a cell when they and the rest of the Circle of Light were captured by Star Saber and the Legislators

She eventually joins the Crusadercons after her people are saved on Luna 1 as the Lost Light’s sociologist

As a member of the Circle of Light, finding Cyberutopia and the Knights of Cybertron was her dream

She paints her face in honour of Dai Atlas

Becomes Conjuxed to Skids and grows closer to Megatron after her beloved’s death

Felt it was fate that she reunited with him on Luna 1 when he presented the Lost Lighter’s recruitment video

Chromedome: “Cynical? Skids, I was suicidal....but then I met someone who saw the best in everyone—even me. Maybe there’s someone out there who can save your life, too.” 

Skids: “It’s your fault, actually. After we had that talk on Theophany, I decided that abandoning my lost memories amounted to a kind of betrayal. All those people I’ve met, all those people who’ve touched my life—I mean, I don’t know if there are any, but that’s kind of the point: I hate to think I might’ve forgotten them.”

Due to her aversion towards violence, she stayed behind with Teebs when Roller and Chromedome recruited Skids and the other outliers during the Fake Matrix Heist

Stays behind with Ultra Magnus, Percy and Megatron when the Crusadercons follow Stormy into the past

Troubled by the flowers around her statue on Necroworld and prays for the fallen due to her pacifism

Wing’s spark energy resided in one of the flowers and it confirmed her fear that her inaction led to his death

Delighted when Megatron declares his refusal to fight and supports him in his non-violent journey

Headcanons:

She’s a Spectralist and fluent in Chirolinguistics

Fan of Megatron’s works such as “After the Ark: Nominus Prime and the Illusion of Progress” and his polemic “Towards Peace”

She meditates to clear her mind and ground herself

Senator Shockwave enjoyed it when she used her powers on him whenever he asked her to calm him down from one of his passionate outbursts

She also enjoyed experiencing the richness of his emotions, one of the few moments she liked her powers

Devoted to Dai Atlas for providing a safe haven for those who wished neutrality with the help of Tyrest

She adored asking Senator Dai Atlas questions of Cybertronian history and his personal past

Dai Atlas taught her Old Cybertronian

Perhaps it was Dai Atlas who suggested she wear an inhibitor chip to disable her cursed powers?

Perhaps she’s able to save Skids’ life by deactivating her inhibitor chip and taking away his emotional guilt and trauma related to Quark and the other prisoners’ deaths?

Fond of holding the hands of her loved ones with their permission

Her dates with Skids involve playing games of trivia like quizzing each other on different species’ culture and politics, the question game, movie night, chilling at the oil reservoir, browsing in gift shops and dancing

She doesn’t drink, but enjoys accompanying Skids and Trailcutter in their bar outings

Helps Trailcutter with his self-worth issues and always makes sure to know he’s appreciated and loved

Brainstorm delights in showcasing his latest Unmentionables to her horror, it reminds him of his days on Kimia

She loves Brainstorm, but the way his mind works frightens her

Joins Cyclonus in prayers and participates in singing in Old Cybertronian with him and Tailgate

Attends Megatron’s poetry readings

[violethowler]

I need to watch the final episode of The Clone Wars again in order to be able to put my thoughts on the finale into words. Until I can get around to that, have a self-indulgent AU where I imagine a happier outcome to cope with the pain and suffering.

Ahsoka captures Rex and gets his chip out just a little bit faster. Ch33p or G-G stun Rex before Ahsoka’s message can even finish playing, and that extra time allows Ahsoka to seal a few extra doors behind them to throw off their pursuers.

Since the clones don’t immediately follow them into the med bay, Ahsoka has a few extra minutes to analyze the chip while Rex wakes up from his surgery. With help from the droids she figures out a way to temporarily disable the chips of every clone on board at once (most likely some kind of sonic pulse since Palpatine giving the order seems to be what activated them).

Jessie and everyone else in the 332nd are horrified that they almost killed Ahsoka. A bunch of them break down sobbing when their chips’ control is broken. Ahsoka apologizes for letting Maul loose and the clones all assure her that she did what she had to do in order to survive.

The bridge crew takes the ship out of hyperspace so that all of the clones on board can have their chips removed without the pressure of trying to save everyone before they reach Coruscant.

Rex orders the hangar bays unsealed hoping that the possibility of an easy getaway will keep Maul distracted, while Jessie calls off the hunt for Maul and orders all troopers on board not to engage the Sith.

Maul is intrigued by this new development and refrains from destroying the hyperdrive. He does, however, decide to stick around and see how things play out.

Rex contacts Bo-Katan on Mandalore and gives her the information and instructions to help remove the chips from the troops they left stationed there. He also relays the information to the other two Republic cruisers orbiting Mandalore

Between the 332nd Company, the bridge crew, gunners, and all the non-combat roles aboard, it takes a full day to remove everyone’s chips. During that time, everyone on board watches the holo-net broadcast where Palpatine declares himself emperor. They hear Obi-Wan’s message that the Jedi Order has fallen.

Ahsoka and Rex put together the pieces that Palpatine and Sidious are the same person, shedding clarity on what Maul meant when he claimed that Anakin had been groomed to become Sidious’ new apprentice.

Once everyone’s chips have been removed Rex and Ahsoka cram as many soldiers and crew members into the cruiser’s mess hall as they can. They tell the other clones everything they know about the chips and about Darth Sidious, letting the clones decide for themselves what their next course of action will be.

After experiencing the horror of the inhibitor chips firsthand and realizing that Order 66 did not distinguish between former Jedi like Ahsoka and Jedi who might have actually committed treason, the clones unanimously decide that their loyalty to the Republic does not extend to the Empire. When brought up to speed on the chips and Sidious, the clones on the other two start destroyers make the same choice.

Realizing that the rise of the empire can potentially force the newly defected clones to do business with his Shadow Collective in order to maintain their ships and equipment, Maul leaves the cruiser aboard a stolen shuttle to take advantage of the chaos this situation will create in the galaxy.

The bridge crew call Ahsoka “General” when she tells them to return to their stations and turn the ship around for the return trip back to Mandalore. She tries to protest that she was never promoted, plus they’re all fugitives now so having formal rankings among their unit is kind of pointless anyway, but it spreads until everyone aboard the ship is referring to her as General Tano.

Ahsoka manages to contact Obi-Wan, who only tells her that Anakin is dead. Obi-Wan informs her and Rex of Padme’s death and through clever wordplay manages to convey the existence of Anakin’s children despite the cover story that the twins died with their mother.

By the time they return to Mandalore, all the Shinies have painted their helmets in Ahsoka’s colors. A few have also painted their body armor orange as well, but the veterans of the 501st keep the blue in memory of Anakin.

Ahsoka and Rex transmit all of their data on the chips as well as recordings of the pulse to disable them to every Republic communications hub across the galaxy, hoping that other clone troopers will be able break free of the chips and choose for themselves.

I’m still figuring out where this AU will go once they get past Mandalore, but I definitely know that the kids from the S5 Young Jedi arc end up joining Hondo’s pirate crew when Ahsoka talks him into smuggling any survivors of the temple off Coruscant.

(I am in too much emotional pain and writers’ block to write this myself, but if anyone wants to make a full fic out of this, be my guest, just credit me please) 

[triviasghost]

Excerpt from my new fic

Since I’m stuck at home in for the foreseeable future, I’ve decided to actually write something. Hopefully I can get the first chapter onto AO3 soon, but we’ll see how everything goes. Let me know if you like it. I love me some constructive criticism. 

The two boys in the story are Chad Taylor and Vince Reynolds from Super Powereds by Drew Hayes. I’m trying to write it so you don’t have to have read Super Powereds to completely understand the story.

Bruce took a long breath. He pressed the call button, and lifted the phone to his ear. It dialed one, twice, then an over-energetic voice picked up on the other side, “Bruce? Everything okay? You never call me. Actually you tend to avoid talking to any of us outside of you-know-what if you can. Everything okay?”

“Barry,” Bruce let out a tired sigh, “Are you available to talk?” He asked this question out of courtesy, and not because he actually wanted to know. It was Barry’s lunch right now, so he had plenty of time.

“Yeah, I’m on lunch right now. Did you want me to come over, or—”

“The phone is fine,” Bruce interrupted.

There was amusement in Barry’s voice when he answered, “Okay, gotcha. What’s up, Bruce?”

Bruce sighed. This wasn’t exactly something he’d done before. But he was out of his depth, and he needed to bite the bullet. “I need some parenting advice?” 

“What?” Barry laughed, “I think I misheard you. It sounded like you, the father of who-knows-how-many, asked me, a childless man, for parenting advice.”

“You have more experience with this particular situation than—quite literally—anybody else I know,” Bruce ground out, “So I would appreciate it if you took this seriously.”

“Holy shit. Bruce, did you take in a meta-teen?” 

Bruce closed his eyes, “Yes. And no, not exactly. At least, they don’t call themselves that. They’re not…from…here.”

“Meta-teens?”

“Yes.”

There was a few seconds of silence on the line. Long enough for Barry to thoroughly puzzle out Bruce’s words. Long enough that Bruce was actually worried that Barry had decided to run to the manor after all. When Barry eventually answered, his voice was serious, “Bruce. Are you planning on sending them home?”

“Yes. That is the plan. I was going to ask you for help with that too, once I knew more about their home dimension. But more immediately, I need to know how to keep them from blowing up every lightbulb in the kitchen by accident.”

“I cannot believe this.”

“Barry…”

“What the hell, Bruce! How many of them did you even take? Four? Five?”

“Two. And I didn’t take them. I have no way of entering an alternate universe on my own. They appeared in Gotham.”

“Okay,” Barry answered immediately, “Most meta outbursts are related to overwhelming emotions and lack of training. How old are they?”

“Both thirteen. One of them has training, but he’s spent most of his life switching off his emotions to make himself ‘more efficient’. When he turns them on, he doesn’t know how to cope with them, and if he’s angry he gets violent. The other can’t control his power at all. It’s triggered whenever he gets too emotional, but according to the boys, he wasn’t born with the capacity to even learn to control his ability.”

“Damn. That’s a handful. Have you tried some meditations? At least for the emotionally stunted one?”

“I...No.”

“Try meditations. Also—least with Wally—exercise was always a solid bet. Not training exercises, at least not serious training. Like, sometimes if Wally gets angry, he will just go for a run.”

Bruce thought about it for a second. His own boys often used exercise as an outlet. Usually it was training, though, and Bruce wasn’t sure an obsession with perfection was a healthy coping mechanism. But convincing Chad to go for a run when he got frustrated didn’t sound like a bad idea. “Okay. Exercise should be a good outlet for Chad,” Bruce said, taking a long breath, “Any advice for Vince?”

“Vince is the one who can’t control his power?”

“Yes.”

There was another long silence. Almost five seconds this time. Eventually Barry swallowed and asked, “How dangerous is he?”

Bruce grimaced. Vince had been very clear that his ability could cause statewide black outs and start wildfires when at its worst. He could burn a person alive, or electrocute them. The shattered light bulbs were nothing in comparison to the damage he could do. The explosion in the restaurant wall was nothing. “Extraordinarily dangerous. To himself, and others.”

Another couple seconds of silence, and Bruce was starting to get antsy. Barry said, “I feel sick even suggesting this, but it sounds like his power is more of a disability than a gift. You could…give him an inhibitor collar.”

It was Bruce’s turn to be silent. He’d heard how painful it was for a meta to wear an inhibitor collar. He’d seen for himself how desperate and anxious Barry became when he had to wear one. Would it have the same effect on Vince? There was a possibility that Vince’s anxiety would decrease with the knowledge that he was no longer in danger. 

It wasn’t an option Bruce had let himself consider before, because the idea of inhibitor collars on kids just seemed synonymous with child abuse to him. Especially the ones with the shock function. But he’d never encountered a meta who couldn’t learn how to control their abilities with enough training. “I’ll consider it,” Bruce finally said, “But it’s not a viable long term solution.” 

“I agree. God, do I agree with that,” Barry said, “But if you wind up keeping them for a long time, genetic surgeries have really advanced in the past few years.”

“This situation is a little unprecedented,” Bruce said, “But I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Okay, Bruce. My lunch is almost over. I’m going to check in later, though. Maybe Wally and I could drop at some point.”

“Arrange that with Alfred,” Bruce said, “It might be good for the boys to meet some of our Earth’s meta-humans.” 

"I will. I'll text you in a few hours. Good luck."

"Thank you, Barry."

"No problem," Barry said, and the line went dead.

[dimples-of-discontent]

Hi friends,

I’ve been pretty uncharacteristically silent on here recently but just wanted to send you a little wave and let you know I’m still here and doing ok even though it’s been a rougher month than usual. First, here’s the wave:

Now here’s the update (below cut):

In the past month I had a few very not-great things happen. In chronological order (and actually the order in which they were distressing from least to most):

My aunt died unexpectedly. We were not close at all, though not quite to the point of being estranged (exchanging gifts and cards continued). It is sad, but in a way I really lost her a long time ago. She was a really difficult person with a number of psychological problems including hoarding, meaning her house is a disaster. She was living my with disabled uncle but they had separate schedules and she had her own entrance so she was dead several days before he noticed. These are both my dad’s younger siblings. My parents (75 and 79) have been in Texas for a month now working on the funeral, the house, and arranging care for my uncle (who is deaf and autistic and an ex-alcoholic - he’s never lived totally alone and can’t start now). I haven’t been able to go help because of my chemotherapy (and my full-time job I still work). We’re all emotionally tapped out.

I had to decide within a week whether I ever wanted biological children. The situation is that chemotherapy damages your eggs. I had already had 10 weeks of chemo so really this seems like the kind of thing that someone could have told me during the 2 fucking months I was diagnosed but not in chemo. I mean, I guess the reason no one did is we all kept hoping I could start it right away and if I had wanted to freeze my eggs I would have needed a few weeks. But honestly I think they literally forgot since what brought this up was me complaining about having my period while on chemo (which is unusual - apparently most people stop) and they were like “omg fertility!!”. Anyway, there were two bad options: 1) delay treatment so I could freeze my eggs or 2) take a drug that shuts down all my sex hormones basically causing early menopause in the hope (NOT certainty) that it protects them. Now, I’ve always been very confident in my desire not to have children at all. This was true when I was married and it’s true now. I first said it when I was 23 and now I’m 35 and it’s still true. So you’d think it would be easy and, in a way, it was. But I felt so rushed and there was SO much cultural pressure to say that I should keep every option open that I felt way more unsure than I would otherwise. I decided not to do either and let things take their course. Only NOW it turns out I’m not going to be doing chemo for a while because of my third bad thing so that door may still be open.

My most recent scans to assess the effectiveness of chemo and the status of my cancer were highly mixed. Now, I have a lot of cancer. I have stage 4 (metastatic) breast cancer that was in: 1) a large (LARGE) bastard of a tumor in my left breast that is so big that it hurts all the time because it presses nerves and skin; 2) a lymph node under my left arm; 3) a bunch of small tumors in my lungs; 4) at least one small tumor in my liver; 5) a soft tissue tumor next to my L4 vertebra; 6) my bones at the point at which that vertebra joins the pelvis. That is a fucking lot of cancer. I don’t think people quite get it when you just say “metastatic” or even “stage 4.” It could definitely be worse but it’s pretty bad. This cancer is super fast and super aggressive--it’s a black ops team. Turns out that, like a team of special forces, it’s still fucking gunning for me. The chemo I was on is pretty standard fare because (more bad luck which you can read more about on my cancer blog @pitiless-achilles-wept) I’m negative for all the things that offer additional treatment options. It turned out to work really well on my lungs, which is actually great news b/c that shit was scary, so I only have a couple small tumors left now there. BUT the bastard tumor and one on my liver got a full centimeter larger (FAST growing jeez). Other stuff seems stable and they didn’t it new places, which is also good. But they do need a better treatment for it than this one. So, instead of more chemo I’m joining a clinical trial for something called PARP inhibitors that basically stop DNA repair in cancer cells so that they die. I don’t have any heritable breast cancer genes but I DO have the BRCA1 mutation in my tumor cells. That’s a “somatic” mutation as opposed to a “germline” mutation. PARP inhibitors work really well on BRCA patients with the inherited mutation so the study is seeing if they also work well on the somatic mutation. My fingers are hugely crossed that the answer is YES and I’m hustling to get going ASAP so this fucking bastard cancer doesn’t spread even further in the meantime. But joining the trial involves a lot more doctor visits at a time when I totally don’t feel up to them (since doctor visits involve making yourself a huge pain in the ass to be an advocate).  I’m sort of on my own for this since my parents are dealing with all that other stuff and I’m single AND an only child. I do have great friends, though, who will do things like make phone calls when I can’t stand it anymore. But my goodness, friends, am I emotionally wrecked.

So that’s where I’ve gone. I wish it were better to report and also that I could be writing more here since it does help. But the fatigue I had from treatment plus just the exhaustion that comes with weighty emotional stuff has stopped me. 

I still hang out on here, distracting myself with hellatus meta (and crack) and using Cockles gifs to cheer myself up (which does actually work b/c they are bottled sunshine like 98% of the time). I miss you all and hope you know that I’ll be back when I can. I appreciate the love you send, even when I can’t muster the energy to respond to it. 💜💜💜

[crackimagines]

dr1 but instead of chihiro making a stupid ai bound to digital things, it's fuckin BLADEWOLF.

��Oh good, it’s working now! Are you online?”

“...A-...ffirmative.”

(Chihiro) “Great! What are your prime directives?”

“Protect the creator, and the friends of the creators without using violence.”

(Chihiro) “And your name?”

“IF Prototype LQ-84i.”

(Chihiro) “Hm...I think that’s too long.I think your nickname should be...Wolf!”

(Wolf) “...Acknowledged.”

(Chihiro) “You’re to standby for now in my room, and observe what’s going on by going into the systems and watching through there. If I...Die, I want you to carry out your directive.”

(Wolf) “Understood. Beginning watch.”

- Throughout the course of the next few days, Blade Wolf watched through the security feed of how the students were faring. He continued to watch as Chihiro asked Mondo to meet him in the boy’s locker room near the pool. And it was here, that he saw his creator die.

- After the trial, he was soon discovered by Aoi accidentally as he left Chihiro’s room to roam the school at night. After explaining what he was to people, they reluctantly accepted Wolf, unsure of what he was doing. When Junko was revealed and everyone was hesitating whether or not to send Makoto to his death, he stepped in, jumping onto the podium, and slicing it apart with his chainsaw tail.

(Wof) “Makoto!”

(Makoto) “...Wolf!”

(Wolf) “Begin playback.”

(Chihiro’s voice) “Several days have been working towards this, and tonight, Makoto has me doubting the whole thing...We’ll leave it up to fate, shall we Wolfy? A gambit that we all escape this despair.”

(Aoi) “Chihiro?”

(Chihiro) “I upload you to the mainframe, and you go help them with the trials with me, and that’s that...But if I die here from Mondo...Your inhibitor chip will be disabled after a couple of hours. What happens after that...Is up to you wolfy.”

(Junko) “Heh, even dead that guy’s a pain in the ass! And just what the hell do you think you’re doing little pup? The trial is still in session! Want me to add you to the death toll with Makoto?!”

(Wolf) “I was not designed to fear termination. However, directive zero one is to ensure the survival of all classmates without violence. To attack here would violate that directive.”

(Junko) “That’s a good boy!”

(Wolf) “However, Makoto came to my aid. I have learned from him. When Chihiro fell, data was inconclusive, but that has changed. I have established new parameters now. Created my own directives.”

- Everyone slowly looked up as Junko’s eyes raised.

(Junko) “...You little FUCK!-”

“ELIMINATING PRIMARY THREAT!”

- As Junko reached for a button, Blade Wolf jumped up into the air and sliced her arm off, letting it hit the floor while Wolf grabbed the remote and crushed it.

(Hagakure) “HOLY SHIT!”

- Junko reached for her bleeding arm as Blade Wolf bit into her waist, tossing her up into the air while revving up his tail. He quickly slashed her to several hundred pieces, blood and gore spilling everywhere as her parts landed onto the floor.

(Byakuya) “Good god, how did someone like Chihiro create a machine like this?!”

(Genocide Jill) “WOOOO! That was fuckin’ brutal doggo! You’re pretty good!”

(Aoi) “I-I THINK I’M GOING TO BE SICK!”

(Makoto) “I-I know what she’s done is unforgivable but...!”

(Kyoko) “...Hmph. I say that more than makes up for what she’s done. Throw him a bone.”

(Wolf) “...Wordplay: my exoskeleton resembles a canine; canines enjoy bones. Amusing on two levels.”

(Hagakure) “Know what’s not? HAVING THE GENTLEST PERSON I KNOW MAKE A DOG THAT GOT BRAIN BITS ALL OVER MY FUCKING CLOTHES!”

[shadowbrotherhood]

im just thinking late at night about some more minor details about my characters that have to do with their health, disabilities, and conditions and i wanna write them down

Shaylyn is Autistic; youll find her being eye contact avoidant, non-verbal, she will stim with her inhibitor rings when idling, and has a lot of problems explaining her feelings and emotions. this is also why shes so connected and dependent on shadow, because he understands these aspects about her more than anyone else.

Shackles is chronically ill; and its absolutely because of Chaos Sickness. when he suffers from symptoms of chaos sickness, he can be down and out for a few hours to a few days, depending on how much chaos has built up inside of him. there is no way to treat or maintain his level of chaos.

Sharp suffers from chronic insomnia and addictive personality disorder; its been played as humorous- because sharp does kind of joke about it a lot- but he doesnt rest often or well and stays up for 40+ hours at a time before sleeping for short periods. it does affect him physically, which is why hes dependent on high levels of caffeine to function. hes typically irritable and snappy because of this. 

Lustre has PTSD, depression, and severe anxiety; among being a survivor of childhood abuse, lustre suffers from PTSD that affects his day to day life. he is medicated, which helps, but he still has to be careful of emotional triggers that easily set him off.

Shred is an amputee; a little obvious, but his legs did not grow when he was being created, hence being given the robotic legs. he does have phantom pains, especially when his robotic legs need maintenance. 

Trinket has DID; among other mental and emotional disorders. she has two main alters- Shawn and Angelica- but she is usually the one you’ll meet. shawn is a ‘protector’ and comes out when trinket is under stress or suffering from anxiety. angelica is a ‘little’, a younger personality, and is well guarded by shawn. trinket does have a therapist and takes medication for her many other disorders. she is fully dependent on her brother for support and lustre is her legal caretaker.

[juliabenerdy]

Yes, Because PMS wasn’t Hard enough!!

So every woman feels their She-Hulk burst out of themselves during the week of their monthly visit. 

For some women it’s like having a demon rise from the depths of hell though. I wanted to bring this up because not many woman or really anyone is educated about PMDD--Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a severe form of PMS that includes physical and behavioral symptoms that usually resolve with the onset of menstruation. PMDD being a cyclic hormone based mood disorder is commonly considered a severe and disabling form of PMS. Many women of course, 85% experience the normal PMS. Only around 5% of women will be diagnosed with PMDD according to the American Journal of Psychiatry. 

Hi folks. Yeah didn’t mean to get medical journal on you or anything but that is the basic definition of PMDD and I am someone that is part of the 5% of the (un)lucky women that go through this hellphase every month. Yes, every month the body drags me into a phase of hormonal hell. 

I discovered the disorder when I was researching my symptoms and noticed that I was always getting worse with my depression and migraines during my period. My husband would also say I would have horrible mood swings and strikes of anger and irritability. Haha...he would say this very carefully of course. When I talked to my doctor and at the time I was seeing a neurologist for my migraines they both said I have PMDD. It normally starts for woman around their thirties. I was lucky to get it around my upper twenties which is common as well. 

PMDD can cause extreme mood shifts that can disrupt work and damage relationships. Here are the symptoms common to PMDD: 

Mood Swings

Depression or feelings of hopelessness

Intense anger and conflict with other people

Tension, anxiety, and irritability

Difficulty Concentrating

Fatigue

Change in appetite

Feeling out of control

Sleep problems

Cramps and Bloating

Breast Tenderness

Headaches

Joints and muscle pain

Hot flashes

Already being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and having PTSD makes having a hormonal disorder even more of a nightmare. My depression and anxiety goes up to 2.0 level. My mood swings are out of this world where I feel like sometimes I am super happy one moment and then really upset the next. I am an extroverted person and I am normally happy, but when this time comes around I do feel intense anger and I have conflicts with people when I am normally pretty easy going. Imagine having all these issues 7 to 10 days before your menses and only when you start you feel a little better. Not me though...I live with mental illness everyday so what to I get to do? Only when I start my menses I get to go from Julia She Hulk 2.0 so regular Julia Mental Case 1.0.

I hate feeling like I am only normal maybe one week of the entire month. Lets look at April so far shall we?

I start the 11th. That means I actually start the PMDD symptoms Monday the 1st of April. Anger, irritability, tension, and fatigue all kick in to the fullest extent around that time. Even to the point where I try to be superwoman for a co-worker on Friday the 5th and get in a bit of an argument with a different co-worker because of it. I couldn’t help it, my righteous self justice had to be heard! 😁Bloating and cramping, of course and they start their a little later than the mood. In this case it was starting the weekend and all the way through the end of the menses. End date would be 15th where there is some relief. However, I feel aches, pains and fatigue. Could be from my normal Julia 1.0 depression or remnants of 2.0. At least my mood is better and I get happier and in a better mood.

So out of the entire month I get two weeks that I am my kind of normal. At least not the Julia Hulk version of me. This whole thing was really depressing me this month and the only way to really make me feel better was to write and share about it. I thought maybe if I shed some light about the disorder someone else could be like “hey that sounds like something I go through too!” and they can speak to a doctor like I have. I don’t know. I feel like writing and researching things gives me some sort of power and control over what I am experiencing and feeling. I often feel out of control of my emotions which is due not only due my depression and anxiety for certain but also probably to my ENFP (Meyers-Briggs) personality. 

This month instead of wallowing in self loathing and hate I decided to see what I can start doing to make myself feel better, not just over all with my life-style, but during those two weeks of hellphase. Since doctors really don’t know what causes PMDD there is not really a cure or anything. Researchers mostly believe that it may be an abnormal reaction to hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Hooray....*dripping with sarcasm*

I had to go looking for things to assist me from now on. No more hellphase...I am looking for more like...sucky time. I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows all the time because that is not realistic but I need to look for some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. Some treatments for PMDD:

Antidepressents (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors to be exact--I actually take Cymbalta and it also helps with pain so my doc said it is good for migraines)

Hormone Therapy (birth control pills---already on these)

Changes in diet---so this is one I am actually working on actively no just for this but to loose weight and to over all change my life. 

Regular excercise--again this is something that I am slowly adding to my routine...slowly because I got severely overweight due to my mental health

Stress Management--- journaling, meditating, talking to others, or engaging in a hobby are all things suggested for this if not more...I actually consider my new found blogging a part of my stress management. I am hoping to do it more. I also want to do yoga and meditate. I see a counselor too and I love those sessions. 

Vitamin Supplements---so it is said that 1200 milligrams of calcium, vitamin B-6, magnesium and something called L-trytophan can help but I am not really sure why

Some Over the Counter Meds- Of course there is the ibprofren and aspirin for the headaches, backaches, and cramping, but I am throwing this out there because nothing I read so far as mentioned it. Midols Severe formula is a life saver. I recommend it even if you dont have PMDD. It is literally my happy pill. It cures my fatigue, my bloating gone, cramping eased for awhile, and I even feel like my mood enhances a little. Miracle!!! So I swear by it! Hahaha

Anyway, this month is over and I am back to Julia 1.0 or maybe this is Julia 2.0 and the icky feeling one is Julia 1.0? I dont know, but what I am trying to say is i have a plan for next month and I am going to have a part two with how it goes with my little treatment plan! In case anyone is reading out there! Wish me luck!

[shiori413-blog]

Consumers Face Health Risks Buying Erectile Dysfunction Medicines Online

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If this change is officially made, erectile dysfunction will not be the only condition rated 0% even though it is clearly a medical condition and disability by definition. For example, currently, the ratings for the eyes grant a 0% if contacts or glasses are able to fully correct a veteran’s vision. So even though the veteran can’t see across the room without their glasses (a clear disability), canadian prescriptions online they aren’t compensated since it can be corrected and they can presumably still work just fine. The UAB Department of Urology specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of diseases of the genitourinary tract, which includes both the urinary and reproductive systems. This multidisciplinary team of urologists, radiation and medical oncologists, nurse practitioners, and urology nurses and technicians work together to provide the most accurate diagnoses and effective treatment options available for male and female adult and pediatric patients. 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Those ubiquitous TV ads where a simple little pill transforms a man suffering from erectile dysfunction, or ED, into a virile tiger who puts a smile on the face of his now beaming wife. Well, Representative Jim Moran (D-VA) has seen them too, and you’d be hard pressed to see a smile on his face when he talks about the ads. “A number of people,” he says, “have come up, including colleagues, and said I’m fed up. I don’t want my three or four-year old grandkid asking me what erectile dysfunction is all about. Enter H.R. 2175. That’s a bill that Rep. So, could it be adios to all of those “Viva Viagra” commercials that play on network television on weekends and during the evening? Could the same be said for the Cialis couple sitting in outdoor tubs looking out at the sunset? And could Levitra also be shunned to the overnight hours? CNN asked Pfzier, which makes Viagra, the first pill available by prescription to treat ED, what they thought of Rep. We asked several people on the streets of Atlanta for their opinions. The industry is likely to experience a decline in revenue mainly due to the expiration of patents of key drug molecules around 2019. The main line of drugs for erectile dysfunction treatment includes Vitaros, Zydena, Stendra, Levitra, Cialis, and Viagra. Viagra (sildenafil citrate) is one of the most widely distributed products worldwide. Viagra’s primary competitors are estimated to be Cialis (tadalafil) by Eli Lilly & Co. and Levitra (vardenafil) by Bayer AG. However, Zydena containing udenafil, which is also a PDE-5 inhibitor manufactured and sold by Dong-A Pharmaceutical Co. Ltd. It is distinguished from other PDE 5 inhibitors for its longer duration of action and lesser incidences of side effects such as vision disturbances and muscle pain. The market is segmented on the basis of the region into North America, Europe, Asia-Pacific, and Rest of World. Brand loyalty and high acceptance levels of well-recognized brands, namely Viagra (sildenafil citrate), Cialis (tadalafil), and Levitra/Staxyn (vardenafil) are estimated to be the factors responsible for the wide establishment of erectile dysfunction drugs market in this region. However, the drug demand is expected to witness a decline by 2022 owing to the emergence of numerous cheap and similar acting generic versions of blockbuster drugs after their patent expirations. The global industry is dominated by North America owing to the presence of an established healthcare infrastructure, high demand for erectile dysfunction drugs, and growing R&D initiatives pertaining to the development of novel drug molecules. Key players of this market include Apricus Biosciences Inc., Bayer AG, Cristalia Dong-A Pharmaceutical Co. Ltd., Produtos Quimicos Farmaceuticos Ltd., Eli Lilly and Company, Pfizer, Inc., S.K. Chemicals Co. Ltd., Meda Pharmaceuticals, Inc., and Vivus, Inc. The industry for branded erectile dysfunction drugs is consolidated with key players involved in intense competition and rivalry.

[juliainfinland]

My own mystery condition isn't as serious or disabling as POTS, but, welp.

For most of my adult life, I've had gastric reflux problems and we (me and various doctors) just couldn't figure out what caused them no matter what tests they did. Everything came back negative. (Well, at least it's good to know that my pylorus is completely free of helicobacter. Which is really something, because my mom died of complications from a burst duodenal ulcer and I'd like to... please not.)

Long parade of doctors: We can't find a cause for the symptoms, but the proton pump inhibitor you're taking seems to be suppressing them well, so I guess you can just keep taking the medication if that's alright with you. Call your GP if you need the dose adjusted. Also, stay away from anything that would interfere with that PPI, such as [long list of OTC painkillers except paracetamol].

Me, every time: The medication does work just fine, and it's nice to have one painkiller that I can actually take because, y'know, chronic pain condition, but why can't we finally find a cause for my mystery gastrointestinal thing?

I did a lot of reading on the subject of reflux and eventually formed my own hypothesis based on some symptoms that I had (still would have if I went off that PPI) and that typically occur with hiatal hernias but not with much else. I also found out that you can't really do anything about a hiatal hernia except surgery, which is only done in really bad cases, so I wasn't exactly in a rush anymore to get properly diagnosed. Because what could they have done that I wasn't doing already (taking that PPI and staying away from long list see above)?

Then, about two years ago, I got my torso x-rayed for a completely unrelated reason and, lo and behold, there was a big fat hiatal hernia right in the center of the picture. Well, at least now my hypothesis has been confirmed and I also know that "keep taking the medication, stay away from long list see above, and otherwise do nothing" was the right course of action (still is). But now I know why it's the right course of action!

it's really hard to explain to people what it's like when over and over again your test results are normal but you've been sick for weeks, months, years. it's so frustrating to watch your life slip by without getting answers, even sometimes when you have the most well meaning and competent of doctors.

when you have something like severe chronic fatigue, normal test results can become a letdown, another thing ruled out but not feeling any closer to understanding what's really going on with your body. normal test results, most of the time, don't feel like a relief to me but instead a sign that I have to advocate for myself and dig even deeper, reminding my doctors repeatedly that even if it doesn't show up for them, my symptoms are still happening, are still real, that I need them to please, keep looking.