#did I forget to mention the entire bottom panel comes off in one easy piece with a couple screws and everything is accessible??

[pretentiousbrownie]

have I got some holes for y’all :3

anyone want pics of my holes?

[yeojaa]

SUGAR HIGH, chapter iii. (w. JJK)

You're not entirely sure when it happened, though you'd come to terms with it. You'd counted the days, waiting for the inevitable. You'd truly thought you'd be okay, but by the broken, half-beating thing in your chest - you knew you'd never really been prepared.

alt summary.  You thought you’d known real love and maybe you had - it just wasn’t with who you thought.

pairing.  jeon jungkook.  mentions/involvement of ot7.

tags.  angst, break up, post-break up, comfort, OT7, slow burn, friendship, moving on, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, emotional bagge, fluff, canon compliant, jeon jungkook is bad at feelings, jeon jungkook is a good friend, jeon jungkook is a sweetheart.

rating.  general (for now?)

word count.  ~2300

chapter 3.  Stay with Me

You fall back into old habits but nothing is the same as it was.  He is sunshine and honeycomb digging into your molars, sending you on a sugar high.  You are a heart covered in rust and cobwebs and every minute with him is too good to be true.

You were busying yourself in the kitchen by the time he'd stood up, shifting weight from foot to foot as he pressed his hands together above his head.  Crack, crack, crack came the sound of his spine, realigning in relief as he straightened up.  

Rubbing sleep from his eyes, Jungkook studies the apartment, trying to remember what's changed.

The rug on the floor is the same - sunflower yellow and fuzzy.  He'd vetoed it when you'd originally bought it in your first year of university, insistent that it would clash with everything else.  He's reminded he'd been wrong.  It fits just right here, in this little piece of your personality brought to life.

There are photos tucked beneath the glass panel of your coffee table, slotted between lacquered wood.  There's a few of the two of you - one being a Polaroid with his signature scrawled across the bottom in silver Sharpie.  You'd asked him to sign it a few years ago, claiming you'd be able to sell it for thousands of dollars when Bangtan had taken over the world.  You'd only faltered when he frowned, pressing a kiss to his cheek and smearing mint-flavoured lip balm over the skin there.  "I'm kidding, Jungkook.  I'd never sell anything so priceless," you'd murmured, a twinkle in your eye. His heart swells at the memory, a symphony within his chest that suddenly feels too warm.

The far wall houses a painting that looks like it was done by a child - or Jackson Pollock. It's a white canvas with contrasting colours strewn across it with little rhyme or reason, vibrant coral blending among faded green and stark black.  Messy scrawl in the bottom righthand corner looks suspiciously like Jungkook's signature. 

Being here, among your things, feels like home again.  So it's easy when he gathers his backpack and disappears down the hallway into your bedroom. 

He's walked this same path a hundred times. 

He tosses his bag at the foot of your bed before dragging his shirt over his head and tossing it into your laundry hamper.  He figures you'll do it with the rest of your clothes and then conveniently forget to give it back, as you've always done.  Not that he minds.  Not that he's ever minded.  It means he'll always have clothes around for times like this, means his designated drawer will never be empty.   

It shouldn't make him as happy as it does - the fact that the drawer still exists.  

You'd proclaimed it as his one afternoon when he'd dropped by in between vocal lessons.  You'd been rummaging around in your drawers when he'd barged in - he'd had a key then, before all of this - two iced coffees balanced in a cardboard tray per your request.  You'd hardly looked up when he'd settled into your computer chair, aware of his stare digging into the back of your head as you sorted clothes into two piles. 

"What're you doing," he'd asked curiously, watching you study an oversized grey shirt in your hands.

"I'm giving you a drawer.  You have too much random stuff here.  I can never find my own things."  You'd said it so matter-of-factly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  Of course Jungkook would get a drawer.  He deserved a place here in your home, just as he did in your heart.  He was your best friend.

You'd felt more than heard him creep up behind you, his chin coming to rest on your shoulder as he settled on his knees.  God, he was so boney.

"You know this means you'll never get rid of me, right?"

You'd laughed at that, the sound bouncing around the room like a hyperactive pink bunny.  He remembered how your eyes had crinkled at the corners, little wrinkles forming around your nose as you turned to meet his stare.  

"I think I figured that out a long time ago, Kookie."

Crouching beside the drawer in question, his fingers brush the polished metal of the handle.  Would the contents be covered in dust, long forgotten when you'd moved out?  He pauses for a moment before some invisible string is urging him forward. 

The drawer slides open with little resistance and he realizes he's holding his breath.

Relax, Jungkook.

Nestled among the wood are neatly folded shirts and a few sweaters.  Further back are a pair of sweatpants and, hilariously, a pack of unopened boxer briefs.  

It's with some satisfaction that he notes everything seems freshly laundered - or at the very least, recently handled.  (Other than the boxers, that is.)  The scent of your detergent - the one you both use - lingers on the fabric. 

He can't help but smile as he plucks a heavily worn sweater and the semi-familiar sweatpants out before tearing through the pack of boxers.  He tosses the articles of clothing on the bed, only hesitating when he catches your familiar scent on the collar of the sweater. 

You must've worn it recently.  He hopes so.

You're leaning against the counter, hip resting idly upon the cool top as you wait for the batter to crisp up.  Your fingers are tugging at the hem of your shirt - twisting the cotton this way and that as you worry the inside of your cheek.

For once, you're not thinking of him, of the past.  Instead, you're focused on making this first pancake perfect (even though you know the first one is always a write-off).

Jungkook hasn't had your cooking in a while and the last thing you need is him making fun of you.

Humming to yourself, you poke gently at the batter, pleased when it pulls from the pan with little resistance.  A little noise of triumph slips between your lips, pleasure etched into every line of your expression as you shift back once again.  You know it's silly to derive such happiness from something so small but when everything feels a little too heavy, this is a welcome reprieve.

You'd slept well for the first time in days, your best friend was home, and you were alive. 

Sure, it wasn't the lottery, but it was something. 

"Smells good."  His voice steals your attention and you turn to see him sauntering into the kitchen, crossing from the hallway and into your personal space in only three steps.  His hair is fluffy, just barely wet still and swinging to and fro across his forehead. 

You beam, proud as can be, as you turn your attention back to the kimchijeon.  "Thanks - I tried."

You miss the way he stares at you with a tenderness that would stop your heart.

He's wrapping his arms around your shoulders, careful not to rest too much of his weight on you.  He draws you back against his chest, his own feet carrying both of you backwards until he's leaning against the sink.  He allows another little yawn to slip past his lips.

"Want to watch a movie while we eat?  Or after?"

You want to tease him, make a bet that he'll fall asleep five minutes in - he often does - but instead you hum an affirmation.  He feels it reverberated through his own chest.  "Whatever you want, Jungkook-ah," you agree finally, gently jostling his hold on you as you slide the pancake from pan to plate before ladling out another scoop of batter.  

The words you don't verbalize speak volumes.  He knows you'll agree to anything he says because he feels that same countdown he does, a reminder of his limited time with you. 

You know he'll always make time for you but this feels different - clandestine, special.  Maybe because it's the first time it's just been the two of you in a very long time. 

Whatever it is, you want to hold onto it for as long as you can before he's pulled away by obligations once more. 

So you allow yourself to be held by him, to be cradled against his chest like you belong there.  You don't even complain when he accidentally knocks your left hand, causing you to drop one of your chopsticks.  You simply huff a little sound - loud enough for him to hear but gentle enough for him to know it's all in good fun - and grab another from your cutlery drawer. 

"Can you grab the beer?"  You ask once you've finished the last pancake, carefully sliding it atop the others while simultaneously flicking off the stove. 

He's ahead of you, grabbing the bottles from the fridge while snaking the plates you've just finished.  He calls over his shoulder as he disappears around the corner, framed in the kitchen nook like some kind of boy-next-door dream come true.

"You choose the movie."

You'd decided on one of the Avengers movies, partially because it was mindless entertainment and partially because you couldn't resist the look of disappointment you'd caught darting across Jungkook's face when you'd swept past it. 

Settled into the loveseat, you nibbled languidly at a crispy edge, careful to avoid dropping crumbs into the crown of the boy beneath you.

You really weren't sure why he'd opted to sit on the floor, sprawled between your knees, rather than in the seat beside you or the more spacious chaise perpendicular to you.  You weren't complaining, though.

"Your English is getting better," you muse.

Beneath you, your best friend preens at the praise, gaze darting from the screen to your face.  He doesn't even falter when he thanks you.  "I've been practicing a lot with Namjoon. He thinks I'll be able to talk more during interviews."

You can't help but snicker at the way he pronounces his hyung's name in the unfamiliar tongue, the ah taking on a curiously nasal lilt. 

"What!"  He's challenging you, broad chest pushing against the front of your knees as he twists around, seemingly forgetting about the movie that plays behind him.

"You're just so cute, Jungkook-ah." 

This catches him off-guard, the adjective somehow sounding so much more when it isn't in his mother tongue.  For a second, he curses you for having one-upped him.  Damn you and your time abroad.

He mumbles something unintelligible as he turns around once more, allowing the weight of his back to rest fully upon your legs once more.  He hopes you don't catch the way his ears burn when thin fingers part his strands, gently musing the downy softness with unbridled affection. 

For his sake, you pretend not to notice.

By the time the credits roll, you can tell he's half-asleep, head lolling to the side as he does his best to keep upright.  You feel his breath, hot through the material of your sweatpants, as you shift behind him, shaking him awake as gently as you can.

"We should go to bed.  I know you'll have to be up early tomorrow."

It's only a guess but when you've been with him the better part of a decade, it's as educated as can be.

"I'm sleepy," he returns, though it comes out more like a whisper.  He's nothing but a big adorable baby as he readjusts, single arm curling around the line of your calf.  If you could take a picture of this moment right now, you would - but you're terrified of stealing him from whatever half-remembered dreamland he's currently in.

"I know, I know."  You all but coo as you move to stand, dragging his fingers from your hand in an attempt to haul him to his feet. 

It's futile, of course.  He's a good ten centimetres taller than you and undeniably heavier than you.  You'd hardly move him on a good day and certainly not when he's near deadweight.

"Come on.  Get up."  

You're surprised when he does, surging to his full height without any further urging.  You're even more surprised when he brings you with him, sweeping you into his arms as if you were nothing but a bag of feathers.

A squeak parts your lips, settles into the collar of his shirt - truthfully, your shirt, considering how often you wear it - and you lean into his hold.  You tell yourself it's so you don't bring the two of you crashing down by flailing.  He doesn't mind, either way. 

Jungkook is happy - over the moon, really - as he makes his way to your bedroom, pausing by the hallway to let you switch the light off.  He's careful of your head, making sure not to knock your pretty little crown of (grown out) blonde as he navigates in the dark.  It's not hard, but he finds himself taking extra time, enjoying the weight of you in his arms.

When you reach your bedroom, he deposits you into bed like you're priceless, carefully tugging the unmade sheets up to your chin.

"Sweet dreams, jagi."  There's a pause, the briefest uncertainty, before he's pressing a quick kiss to your forehead.  

Your skin burns where he'd touched you, each nerve ending alive with something you can't quite place.  It almost distracts you from the fact that he's slipping away, almost out of reach.  "Where are you going?" 

His head cocks as it always does, rounded lips pulling into something like confusion.

Before he can speak, you're pulling your blanket down, patting the other half of your bed like it was made for him.  "I don't have germs, you know."  You mean to sound light and breezy, noncommittal, but there's something just beneath the surface that belies the truth.  A quiet despondency that only reveals itself in the dead of night.

You don't want to be alone again - and he could never say no.

So he slips between the sheets, ignoring the staccato rhythm of his heart as he lays his head down.  All around him is you - your face in muted light, your smell in the sheets, the heat of your body from no more than a hairsbreadth away.  It's hard to focus with you so close, an appreciative smile spread over your cherry mouth.  When your hand finds his in the dark, though, it doesn't matter. 

All that matters is you, and him, and this little piece of paradise.

notes.   that was really just a lot of fluff. fluff fluff fluff. but i'm thinking it's going to get rocky...

[jinkisbelly]

Take the Dive

Tooooooot Day 11 of jjongsmonth (only 4ish days late)

My Masterlist    All Jjongsmonth 

Let me loose in your ocean, So I can only be filled with you I wanna know you, From your surface, To the other side of the ocean, oh I Take the dive 

w/c 1.6k

Pairing: Jongyu + Jongtae (mentioned a lot but Taemin isn’t in it physically?)

Atlantis Au, where Jinki’s the Emperor of the lost City of Atlantis, which happens to be thriving on the bottom of the ocean, and Jonghyun is in love with two different men, Living with Taemin on Land, and visiting Jinki when he can

He could feel the warmth of his song descending over him the closer he got to the cliff’s edge. His fingers tingled, eyes fluttering close as the soothing breeze blew from the ocean below, and grass cool and soft under his bare feet. Come Beautiful.. Come to me

He let out a stuttered breath, the powerful yet soft voice of his lover traveling over him. The waves below crashed against the rock, the roar of the ocean reaching his ears. Most people would stand on the edge of a 300 foot cliff and panic, but he only felt peaceful and relaxed. Take the Dive Beautiful. I’ll catch you.

He took a deep breath and stepped forward, falling from the edge. Wind rushed passed his face, he felt the mist of the crashing waves, before warm water wrapped around him and brought him safely under the surface of the ocean. When he slowly opened his eyes he saw the golden light coming closer. The burning of his eyes and in his lungs stopped as the warmth of the light reached his skin. Then he saw his lover’s beautiful face. His dark red hair was floating around him, big smile on his face as he moved closer, pressing a deep kiss to his lips. Is that better?

When he could finally breathe, he lifted his hand to gently move through his lovers hair. I couldn’t resist your call.

Their fingers were gently intertwined, Come, let’s get somewhere a little drier, my dear Jonghyun.

The water was clear and beautiful, the flourishing life within slowly coming out in all it’s wonder, and no matter how many times he took this path to the sunken city of Atlantis it still was like a whole new world. The bracelet around his lover’s wrist glowed as they neared, the sparkling barrier of the huge city at the bottom of the ocean floor. Gracefully, he watched as the man next to him landed upon the platform, tugging him down and curling his arm around his side to keep him from floating away. With sure steps they made their way through the shimmering barrier and the beautiful city finally came into view without the ancient protective barrier masking their presence.

Once on dry land Jonghyun was tugged closer, a warm kiss pressed to his lips as he felt the hand flat against his lower back. “I missed you so terribly, my love that I had to see you. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

He took a moment to gaze at the man, his beautiful crescent eyes, the soft wave of his hair around his face, the gentleness of his smile. “Taemin was sleeping so…” The beautiful smile of his fell and Jonghyun’s heart ached. “Forgive me for mentioning it, Jinki.”

The easy smile was back on Jinki’s face, hand coming up to cup Jonghyun’s damp cheek. “I often forget you are in love with another as well that gets to have you far more than I do. Do not fret. Over time I’ll understand why you choose this double life instead of immortality with me here.”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Jonghyun leaned into the touch even if his words went against the comfort the caress gave him. “I love you, but I love Taemin too.”

“I know,” Jinki hummed, hand falling for a moment as did his gaze, his thoughts running quickly to understand the situation. “I love you far more than I should. I break my father’s rules still in law even under my rule every time I call for you. I fear one day circumstances may force you to make a choice between your two lives My love.”

“What circumstances would ever force me to do that?”

Jinki gave a little smile, “The day you tell Him your other lover is the King of the long lost city of Atlantis that you visit when you hear his song and can’t ignore it.”

“Oh.” Jonghyun still curled their fingers together when Jinki offered his hand, and followed him toward the train that would take them to the palace in the center of the city. “There are a few things that are bothering me that I wish to speak about once we return to your rooms.”

The train doors slid open soundlessly, just as their footsteps were as they climbed aboard. Jinki lifted his bracelet against the panel near the open doors and a moment later they were speeding off, just as the doors closed. He pressed a sweet kiss to Jonghyun’s drying hair and whispered, “Of course, My love.”

----

His wet clothes were given to be cleaned and dried, he was given a warm bath in Jinki’s personal bathroom, and warm clothes to wear. There were trays of food on the table in the middle of the room, bits and pieces gone from them eating, but Jonghyun was curled up in the large canopy bed, gently swinging from the breeze coming from the window. Jinki was across the way, long hair tied up messy with a few ribbons and pins, robe open and swishing around his knees where it ended, bare underneath besides his undergarments. He smiled when he heard Jonghyun call his name, chewing the grape he had popped into his mouth a moment before as he gazed over at him. “Yes, my love?”

“Join me please.” Carefully, he made his way over, bare feet softly padding against the stone floors. Once settled in front of him, legs criss crossed, Jonghyun spoke again. “I’ve never told Taemin about you in anything more than that you as my lover in general exist, is because deep down I know I could never love you in the same place at the same time. You’d never allow me to bring Taemin here even if he would give up his entire life on land to live here with me.. Us. Soon I will age older than you appear. Soon I’ll be too old to make the trek to the cliff, or the swim here. I guess it dawned on me that I would have to make a choice.”

He could see the panic within Jinki’s beautiful eyes. “Is this your way of telling me I am not the one you choose?”

“No,” Jonghyun bit his lip, “This is my way of saving I haven’t made my choice.. That I’m not sure if I ever could. I’ve known Taemin since we were kids, but I’ve known you since we moved to the house by the sea. All my life I’ve loved two men. I’ll go on the rest of my life loving two men. I could never love just one.”

“What are you asking of me Jonghyun?” Jinki’s voice was just as warm and soft as it always had been, but there was a hard edge around the surface.

“I am asking, that if you really love me enough to invite me into your world, maybe, just maybe, you’d,” His gaze lifts, hands shaking a little in his lap just as his bottom lip starts to tremble. “Allow Taemin to come with me.”  

Jinki blinked at him slowly, trying his hardest to process the words. “You wish me to open my world to another land walker?”

“You’d never leave your Kingdom, your people, and I’d never ask you to give it all up for me.” Jonghyun reached hesitantly for Jinki’s hands and let out a breath of relief when the man let him take them as usual. “I’ve loved you since I was 15, when I thought I was just going through a phase and somewhat dreaming of this wonderful world you shared with me. I’m almost thirty two. I don’t want to grow old if I’d be leaving you behind.”

“You know the depth of what you’re asking me to do, correct Jonghyun?” Jinki slowly asked, eyes so wise beyond his appearance. When he saw Jonghyun gently nod he smile a little, “I’ll think about it. Oh, Baby, Please don’t cry.”

Jonghyun sniffled, dipping his head to hide himself, but Jinki lifted his gaze with his hand on his chin. His fingers were soft as they wiped his tears. “I feel like this is the last time I’ll be here.. With you.”

“I’ll need to meet him, see how good his heart is. You know what happens when dark hearted people try to enter the barrier.” Jinki smiled a little before leaning to kiss his nose quickly. “I know I told you for the longest time you must never tell anyone about me.. About my world, but you have my grace to tell Taemin.”

“Really?”

“I don’t want to give you up and I’ll do anything to keep you.” Jinki caressed his cheek with his thumb, smiling when he saw the light in Jonghyun’s eyes shining bright. “Even if it’s learning to share you with someone I’ve been jealous of for almost 15 years.”

“You’re jealous of Taemin?” Jonghyun’s browns crinkled, “Why? You have everything anyone could ask for.”

“Everything except you living in my world the majority of the time.” He petted Jonghyun’s soft, dark hair. “He got you 90 percent of the nights of time, 90 percent of the mornings waking up to you.. He got the 90 percent I never got to see. That, I’ll always be jealous of no matter how understanding I grow to become of your love for another.”

“Oh Jinki…” Jonghyun breathed out quickly, pushing up to climb into his lap. His fingers moved into his hair, lips pressed against his forehead, as his eyes squeezed shut. He felt Jinki’s arms wrapping around him tightly, the shuddered breath leaving his lips, and the way his fingers gripped the back of his shirt almost desperately. “You must know how often I yearned to be with you my love. I love you so much. So much Babe, so damn much.”

Jinki nuzzled into his chest, holding him tightly, as if he planned to never let him go. Maybe in the end, it was him who’d have to take the dive to know and love all there was to his Jonghyun.

[randomnoteforfuturereference]

It’s the Little Things: III

ForFutureReference

Words: 1525

Summary:  It’s common knowledge that Dex has a multitude of skills tucked away. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when he brings out a skill that catches Nursey off-guard. Especially when Dex helps Nursey with said skill.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | …

Author’s Note: Now on AO3 you prefer. Another round of thanks for my beta @kleeklutch!

“DON’T COME IN!”

When someone screams that statement upon your entry into a room, and that scream is coupled with a view of their hunched back turned to you, initial instincts tend to kick into full gear with an appropriate immediate response.

Well with Dex being that someone, my Pavlovian response manifests in a… strong shout as I clap my hand over my eyes, reverse course back up the stairs, and punctuate my retreat with the slamming of the door.

As I lean against the opposite wall and take a breather, my heart rate slows and vision clears enough to open my thoughts for contemplation. By contemplation, I mean a reevaluation of Dex’s… habits. In all honesty, I’m not sure which  is more surprising: that it took this long for me to come across him polishing his lobster, that he’s actually doing it in the first place… or that he was outside his bungalow to do it. I mean, it’s not my place to assume… but one can’t help but wonder.

“Nurse?” comes out a sheepish call. A moment later, the door opens a smidge, and a red-faced Dex pokes his head out. “You there?”

Despite him looking right at me, I answer, “Nope?”

He doesn’t call me out on my sarcasm, but simply opens the door in full to state, “You can come in now.”

Despite all rationality screaming at me to forget laundry, go back to my room, and allow the awkward to diffuse to an appropriate level, I take a couple steadying breaths and follow Dex into the depths.

“Yo, Poindexter, we have socks for a reason,” I lecture upon reaching the bottom of the stairs. “Next time you want some alone time, please—“

Words die on my tongue and my steps falter as my eyes fall on where Dex had been.

Sitting there is small wooden bookcase.

When I look back at him, he just glances off to the side and mutters, “You have too many damn books for the provided shelf. Thought something should be done before there’s another accident or some shit.” Despite his words, he fails to incorporate the usual edge to them.

As I approach the bookcase, and despite knowing what the answer will be, I ask, “Where’d you buy it?”

Dex’s response doesn’t disappoint: “I didn’t.”

Just to be sure… “Where’d you borrow it?”

He shuffles on the spot and fiddles with with his pockets. “I didn’t.”

Damn…

It’s common knowledge in the Haus that Dex can work with wood, and not in a euphemistic sort of way. The little sanctuaries that he made is testament to that. Not to mention the seamless installing of a replacement banister segment within a week of the… incident. On that note, Chowder’s damage control — involving a lot of puppy eyes at Bitty coupled with some pointing at my injured arm — ensured that the fixing costs were covered and the incident wasn’t immortalized as a tweet.

Still, I thought that skillset was just relegated to keeping the Haus functional. Like when he also fixed the frame to Chowder’s window.

The sight before me is a testament to a couple facts. And not just that the wood he was handling minutes prior is still not a euphemism.

“So where did you do this?” I ask. I’m not sure how long it takes to make furniture, but there’s no way he could have done this within the hour I was gone, and there’s no way he could have everything here without alerting someone.  

“Samwell’s shop class,” Dex states with a shrug. “It’s free for students to use, so it’s a waste not to take advantage of it. Once I got the sections done, I brought them here to assemble.”

Okay, so the putting-together part was done here, which I am pretty impressed about… and is not a reflection of past experiences with IKEA. But I digress.

In any case, Dex’s comment that the pieces were done in a shop class confirms to me that the thing doesn’t consist of a cheap prefabricated kit. Speaking of which…

“Where'd you get the wood?” I punctuate my question by rapping my knuckles on the mirrored finish. Yeah, there’s no way in hell this is plywood or any other cheap substitute — I may not be versed in the trades, but I also didn’t grow up surrounded by the finer things in life without picking up the ability to recognize quality when I see it — and I’m trying to wrap my mind around the idea of penny-pinching Poindexter splurging on what’s clearly high-end hardwood for a bookcase.

A bookcase that’s for me.

I’m saved from dwelling on any possible implications by Dex’s answer: “Uncle had to cut down an old maple. When he went down to New York couple weekends ago, made sense to ask if he had pieces to spare.” Another shrug as if requesting some material to make furniture for someone is no biggie. “So… what do you think?”

Upon closer inspection, the main thing that’s obvious is that there are no screws. Instead the whole thing is held together with trapezoidal joints like a three-dimensional jigsaw. All joints are so secure that they don’t budge at all when I rock the bookcase a bit. An exhale of clear relief from Dex hints that he expected my test, and it keeps me from feeling guilty for doing that in front of him.

As I run my fingers along the joints and wonder how Dex fit it all together so seamlessly, I come across the carvings.

They are easy to miss at first glance, and the bird’s eye patterning of the wood itself serves as an effective masking. At just the right angle though, the light makes the shallow designs pop out. All across the surface, lines crisscross and wind around to form elaborate imagery. Interwoven knots repeating on the front of the shelves and border. Angular mazes forming a perimeter for the side panels, with the middle of the panels occupied by divers stylized beasts.

Despite all these designs, one element sticks out over the rest:

Leaves.

Leaves drifting off a twisting tree to swirl in a clockwise spiral around a sun on the right side panel. Leaves drifting off a seaweed frond to swirl in a counterclockwise spiral around a moon on the left side panel. Leaves attached to the knotwork like the entire front has been overtaken by a vine. Leaves even carved into the back paneling despite the fact that they’ll be obscured by any books.

Despite the fact that Dex still views a lot of Samwell’s artists, sans Lardo, with hefty suspicion — okay, even I’ll admit that their stuff can get pretty fucking weird — this piece demonstrates that he’s capable of more than a little artistic creativity. That little tidbit is something I could mull over. However, I choose to mull over something else as I close my eyes and feel the texture of the delicate grooves:

He really did make this for me.

How long did he work on these alone? Part of me wonders if he actually finished the structural part a while ago and made the designs someplace else. I have a feeling his artistry isn’t something he likes showing off, and I don’t know what to make of the fact that it’s me whom he’s showing it to.

In the end, what do I think?

“I think it’s beautiful.”

Which is the truth. It’s also the simplest answer that allows me to bypass the ever-tangled bramble that constitutes the subject of William Poindexter.

I can barely hear Dex’s murmured response as I stand back up, but what I catch sounds like something along the lines of, “I’m glad you think so.”

“I also think that I’ve never been more glad to have my initial instincts proven wrong.”

For fuck’s sake, Nurse. I immediately regret what I say, my regret is codified as Dex’s expression goes from a scrunched-up confused scowl to eyes widening in realization, and I steel myself for the coming storm.

Instead of the expected angry tirade or demand that I depart back for the surface world, I get laughter.

As the laughs continue, my regret is replaced by mild irritation. “Chill, Poindexter.” Despite that irritation however, the corners of my mouth twitch. Dex has a nice laugh.

“I…” he wheezes while doubled over, “I can’t believe you thought I was fucking jacking it!”

“Yo, you weren’t standing where I was!” I bark while throwing up my hands. “Not my fault it looks like you have a literal furniture fetish.”

In the wake of my pronouncement, the laughter dies and silence is ready to blanket the room.

That is… if not for the fact that a voice, neither mine nor Dex’s, cuts in: “Uh…” Shit.

Both Dex and I whip our heads upwards to behold Chowder frozen at the top of the stairs. “I’m… just… gonna come back for my laundry… later,” he mutters before holding up a double thumbs-up, slowly backing out, pivoting on his heels, and hurrying away.

As we look back at each other, Dex finally finishes playing the role of a fish gasping for air and regains his voice in true Dex style: “What.”

Fortunately, I have an eloquent reply of my own:

“What?”

Continue onto Part IV

[tessatechaitea]

Cerebus #12 (1979)

Is this the one where Rayek challenges Cerebus to cross the Bridge of Destiny?

I just dug up a bunch of my old poetry from my late teens and early twenties and most of it is about what you would expect from somebody that age except if they were pretty good at poetry. I'm currently not going to post any of it because I don't want teenagers reading what I wrote as a teen and being disheartened by the quality of their own lines. Also you're probably reading this for all of the insightful things I'll say about Cerebus. Or maybe you clicked on a link to read something insightful, saw that my caption confused this comic with Elfquest, called me the R-slur, and clicked away before you could find out I was just being silly. Why didn't Dave Sim ever license Cerebus as a sugary cereal? Deni mentions that Dave has a nervous breakdown between issues eleven and twelve. What that entails, I have no clue. I don't really know what constitutes a nervous breakdown. It probably means he shit himself multiple times in the space of a month. I wouldn't want to suggest shitting yourself only once or twice in the space of a month would constitute a nervous breakdown. That could probably just mean you had a wild month full of illicit indulgences. I've never even come close to a nervous breakdown, as far as I can tell, because I've never shit myself. Weird how you can not know the definition of a thing at the beginning of a paragraph and then make up your own definition of it and then accept your made up definition as normal by the end of the same paragraph! Actually, I have shit myself. But it was while I was sleeping and because I was having a night terror. Also I was almost certainly no older than ten which, I believe, is an age which precludes anybody from making fun of me for it. The night terror might not seem like much of a night terror when I explain it but that's because you didn't experience it. I was dreaming that I was making my bed but I couldn't quite get it made and I was under a time restraint and things were really ramping up to a climactic end because I just couldn't get it done! Also the background in the dream was psychedelic, like the multi-colored shapes around the POWS! and BANGS! in the old Batman television show. I woke up in a cold sweat with my pajama bottoms full of shit. It was not pleasant. I should stop trying to be more honest on the Internet. Especially since nobody is really going to know me unless I really open up about all of my deep, dark secrets that make me super interesting because I've mentioned I have them and that they shall remain a mystery. Ooh! What could they be?! Dave Sim doesn't mention his nervous breakdown in the Swords of Cerebus essay. He just mentions that Batman and Robin, having had their parents murdered tragically, made for a funny story. Perfect fodder for parody in Cerebus! Cerebus has found himself in Beduin refusing to forget all of the Cockroach's gold. He was so close to being filthy rich that he couldn't quite yet go back to being not filthy rich. There was surely still a way to get all of that gold and keep it and not to lose it in a river at the end of this issue at all! And if anybody could do it, it would not be Cerebus! But he was still going to try!

This conversation isn't just a contrived story plot. Cerebus has been drunk at this bar for two weeks. That surely makes his hearing this news more realistic, right?

Cerebus makes his way to the Cockroach's apartment only to discover the gold is missing. But there's a tunnel where the gold was and it leads to the Cockroach's cell which is full of the Cockroach and gold. The Cockroach demands Cerebus explain why he's entered the Cockroach Cave and Cerebus decides to mirror the Cockroach's origin story. He claims his parents were murdered and that he was an orphan.

It's not just that Dave Sim is funny; he's adept at crafting really terrific gags.

Cerebus and the Cockroach load up Cerebus' boat with the gold and then the Cockroach takes off with it as Cerebus is fetching the last bag. If Cerebus doesn't learn to stab every weird character immediately upon meeting them from here on out, I don't think he's paying attention to his own life. And then when Cerebus gets back in the boat and Elrod appears (after having told Cockroach that Elrod was after his gold), Cerebus learns the lesson about immediately murdering people twice over in this one adventure! Before Cockroach can murder Elrod, Elrod starts with the small talk.

Such a delightfully accurate description of The Batman.

Dave Sim's dialogue is so smooth and natural and funny, I imagine he spent a lot of time cackling at his own jokes while trying to draw this comic book. Elrod responding to the Cockroach's hissing with "If I were you, I'd see someone about that slow leak, son," would have caused me to stop writing for the entire day as I patted myself on the back and kept repeating it to myself and chuckling at my own grand wit. The guards interrupt the battle between the Cockroach and Elrod causing Cerebus to have to get involved because he's the only character that can purposefully succeed in battle. Elrod and Cockroach would have been okay but they would have had to accidentally survive the situation off-panel in a way that causes the reader to think, "How the hell did that jerk get out of that predicament Cerebus left him or her in?" Cerebus knocks out Cockroach, threatens Elrod, and then leaves with his boat full of gold. His plan is to buy a tavern outside Beduin if his boat full of gold doesn't wind up sinking. But it does so he'll have to wait another two hundred or so issues before he winds up running a tavern and hanging with his mates. As Cerebus rides a piece of the broken boat down the river, his gold lost under the water, he reflects on the events of the day which happened to be his 27th birthday. I don't know if that's supposed to mean anything. Was Dave 27 at the time? Was it just a bit Dave thought would emotionally cap the end of the story? Maybe it was just an easy way to put a period on the tale. Hell, if I can't even understand why this stupid comic book ends this way, why am I even bothering to try to understand Gravity's Rainbow?! Cerebus #12 Rating: A. Some really solid gags in this thing and a decent heist story to boot. Each issue of Cerebus is like a well-crafted song on a record album. I'm always less amazed that somebody can write a catchy, hit song that's absolutely brand new than I am by the fact that they can come up with ten to twelve little mini-stories for the album. And that's basically what Sim has done up to this point. Twelve solid stories that ... oh! That's probably why it was Cerebus' 27th birthday! It's been one full year of Cerebus stories! Ha ha! Watch out now, Gravity's Rainbow! I'm figuring shit out!

[kristablogs]

How to get your grill ready for summer

If you've neglected your grill, a bit of work will have it looking (and cooking) great. (Whitson Gordon/)

Few things are more exciting than that first 60-degree day after a harsh winter, when you can finally break out the grill and… stare in disbelief at the rusty, charred mess in front of you. Before you admit defeat and order pizza, give that grill a good deep cleaning—you’d be surprised what a bit of elbow grease can do.

“People have a tendency to forget how old their grills are, and when the last time they cleaned it was,” says Kevin Kolman, head grillmaster at Weber. Over time, the inside of your grill gets covered with schmutz—a word he assures me is official barbecue terminology—which can result in inconsistent temperatures and a lack of adequate heat. It can also cause minor flare-ups and other performance issues. A quick cleaning once a month can help avoid such problems, but if it’s been a bit longer than that—don’t worry, you aren’t alone—you may want to go a bit deeper.

What you’ll need for your deep clean

The moment you rouse your grill from its winter hibernation is a great time to give it a thorough cleaning, so it’s ready for the season. To do so, you’ll need a few things:

<b>A grill brush.</b> Kolman recommends buying a new grill brush every year. That way, you aren’t using a rusty five-year-old brush every time you fire up the barbie, and you can use last year’s brush for the early-season deep clean without worrying about ruining it. He likes <a href="https://ift.tt/2zIuRfW" target=_blank>Weber’s own 3-sided grill brush</a>—unsurprising since he works for the company—but <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F0fRAPkn9U" target=_blank>so does America’s Test Kitchen</a>, so that’s what I used for this guide. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s a highly-rated brush from a trusted brand, since some cheaper ones can fall apart or strip the coating off your grates.

<b>A paint scraper.</b> Either <a href="https://ift.tt/2X0hIH9" target=_blank>metal</a> or <a href="https://ift.tt/2WwU4my" target=_blank>plastic</a> should work fine, Kolman says—you just want something with a flat edge that will scrape debris off the inside of your grill.

<b>Grill and grate cleaner.</b> A spray-on grill cleaner isn’t always necessary, but it can help make stubborn, burnt-on food easier to scrape off. I used <a href="https://ift.tt/2T6aIri" target=_blank>this Goo Gone grill cleaner</a>, though <a href="https://ift.tt/3bEER7b" target=_blank>Easy-Off</a> is another popular option, and <a href="https://ift.tt/3cMsbMU" target=_blank>Weber makes its own spray</a>, too.

<b>A scouring pad.</b> A <a href="https://ift.tt/2X3F6DC" target=_blank>mild scrubbing pad</a> will help clean off some of the more stubborn gunk.

<b>Dish soap.</b> You probably already have some in your kitchen—<a href="https://ift.tt/2z3kHGX" target=_blank>any decent dish soap</a> designed to de-grease should work fine.

<b>Stainless steel and/or glass cleaner.</b> If your grill has a porcelain hood, you can clean it with any old glass cleaner and paper towel. For stainless steel hoods and side tables, though, you’ll want a more specialized stainless steel cleaner and polish like <a href="https://ift.tt/2LsRZC1" target=_blank>this spray from Weiman</a>.

<b>A microfiber towel.</b> Again, if you have any stainless steel parts, <a href="https://ift.tt/2zIuYrS" target=_blank>a non-abrasive cloth</a> will help prevent cleaning-related scratches.

Get fired up—let’s do this

Once you have the necessary tools, it’s time to open up your grill and marvel at the disgusting state you left it in. We got our hands on a particularly neglected grill for this demonstration; hopefully yours looks a little better.

If your grill runs on gas, make sure its fuel supply has been turned off at the source—that little knob should always be shut when your grill is not in use—and survey the damage. (If you’re using a charcoal grill, the advice about some components—like burners—obviously won’t be relevant, but the rest of the guide should suit you well. Just follow the parts that apply to you.)

1. Remove the grill grates, along with any heat-dissipating panels and other easily removable parts. Weber grills often have a set of “flavorizer bars” above the burners that you’ll want to remove, for example. These parts may have a decent amount of rust, but as long as they don’t come in direct contact with food, that’s okay. We’ll still give them a good clean, but you aren’t likely to get them back to their original steel shine. “As long as the burners and bars do not have holes or pitted areas, these parts will work just fine,” Kolman says. “Issues occur when they are pitted, have holes and are breaking apart.”

2. Put some of your dish detergent in a large bucket and fill it with warm water. Toss in the grates, heat panels, and flavorizer bars and let them soak for a few minutes. (I didn’t have a bucket big enough to fit everything, so I used the lid to my kid’s old plastic sandbox. Whatever works, right?) If your grates are made of bare cast-iron instead of stainless steel, you don’t want to soak them—it can ruin the seasoning. Leave them aside for now.

3. Get brushing. While the removable parts soak, take your grill brush and give your burner tubes a once-over, making sure there isn’t any debris blocking the holes in the burner. Brush across the tubes, rather than along the length of each one—you don’t want to push debris into the holes as you go, as it can block the flame or clog the burners. Again, don’t worry if these are a little rusty—that’s normal.

Be careful when you brush the burners—you want to clean them, not fill them with gunk. (Whitson Gordon/)

4. Go back to your soapy bucket and give your steel components a good scrub with your scouring pad. If you need a bit of extra cleaning power, spray them with some grill and grate cleaner, let it sit for a moment, then scrub away. Be sure to rinse these parts with clean water when you’re done, then dry them with a rag.

5. Turn your attention to the grill itself. Start by checking the lid. If you see any flakes peeling along the inside, don’t panic: It’s not paint. “Because of the heat or moisture humidity inside there, the smoke has a tendency to bake itself onto the inside of the lid, and it’ll start to sheet itself off,” Kolman says. You can easily take your putty knife or grill brush and scrape away all that carbonized grease. It’s okay if it falls into the cookbox, because we’re about to clean that, too.

6. Check out the cookbox. There’s a good chance you have a lot of grease and food residue in the cookbox along the bottom of your grill. If so, grab a shop vacuum and clear out all the loose debris you can. (If you don’t have one, you can shovel some of it out yourself, but a small, relatively inexpensive shop vac goes a long way.) If there’s any debris caked on the bottom of the cookbox, grab your paint scraper and scrape it off. If it’s really fossilized, spray your grill cleaner, let it sit, then scrape again, pushing all that nasty stuff into the hole that leads to the drip tray. You can then slide the grease tray out and give it a good cleaning, too, brushing any debris into the trash. Wipe off any remaining cleaner with a wet paper towel.

If you're having a hard time getting some truly stubborn stuff out of your grill, spray it with some cleaner and get scraping. (Whitson Gordon/)

Finishing up

No matter how much you scrub, your grill will probably never look like it did the day you bought it, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to get it looking shiny brand-new—your goal is to remove large deposits of grease and charred food that can negatively impact your grill’s performance. Don’t feel like you need to replace your grill just because it has signs of use—consider them a badge of honor!

You may, however, have to replace some components here and there—like, as Kolman mentioned, heat panels that have cracks or holes in them. And if your cast-iron grates are rusted to hell like the ones on the run-down model we cleaned, you can either strip and re-season them, or just grab some new ones—we opted for the latter. (You can replace them with stainless steel if you want something a bit lower-maintenance, though the grilling ability of stainless steel versus iron is a debate all its own.) If your grill’s manufacturer doesn’t sell replacement parts for your particular unit, Grillparts.com is a great resource for tracking down hard-to-find pieces, and third-party vendors such as GrillGrate offer their own cooking surfaces for a variety of grills.

You may also find, once you fire up your grill, that your burners still need some extra love. One of mine was producing a large yellow flame rather than the more desirable small blue flame, which can indicate that it needs to be completely removed and cleaned with a bottle brush (or replaced entirely). Make sure everything is lighting up, too. If you’ve only got fire halfway along the length of the burner, you may have a clogged hole or two that you need to poke through with a pin.

When all the important stuff is done, feel free to clean the stainless steel on the outside as well. “Spray on the cleaner and let it sit for five minutes, because you need time for that cleaner to start to activate,” Kolman says. “Then take your microfiber towel and wipe with the grain.” He notes that you should avoid paper towels on steel, lest you scratch the finish. A porcelain lid is much more forgiving, and you can just use glass cleaner and paper towels for that. Clean any plastic parts with soap and water, and you’re ready for the first burgers of the season.

How to maintain your grill as you go

Don't neglect your grill grate between grillings. (Whitson Gordon/)

After buckling down for a deep clean, you’ve hopefully resolved to not ever let your grill get to such a sorry state again. Thankfully, Kolman has a few tips for making that happen.

“Every month, I think it’s a pretty good rule of thumb to take a look at the inside of the grill and clean up the flavorizer bars and grates,” he says. A bit of occasional scraping with a putty knife will help keep your grill operating at peak performance.

Kolman also recommends brushing the grates before you cook, not after. “Preheat your grill for 10 to 15 minutes, get the grates extremely hot, and any excess debris you have on there is going to get burned off.” Then just brush it away. He says brushing after you cook is more likely to gunk up the bristles of your brush.

These days, many people prefer wooden paddles instead of metal-bristled brushes for those in-between cleanings—that way you don’t get metal bits falling off into your food. America’s Test Kitchen didn’t see any issues with this in their durability tests, but they did find that a bristle-free metal brush like this one was more effective than a wooden paddle.

You should also empty and clean the drip tray regularly, Kolman says. “The more stuff you have down there, the less the grease is getting out, the more chance you have some minor flare-ups.” He says once a month is probably fine for most people, but if you do a lot of grilling, once every two weeks may be better. And for heaven’s sake, keep the grill under a cover when you aren’t using it, to protect it from the elements.

Kolman also recommends checking the gas connections regularly, especially if you’ve gone a few months since you last used your grill. Put a little soapy water around the gas fittings and turn the gas on. If the soap starts to bubble and move around, you’ve got a leak, and you’ll need to replace the component or have a professional check it out.

Other than that, don’t get too concerned about how your grill looks—it’s all about how it performs. Using your grill will naturally change the color and appearance of its interior, and that’s okay. It means you’re putting it to good use. A little maintenance goes a long way, and if you do a quick cleaning of the cookbox once every few months, you won’t have to go quite as hard every time you bring the grill out from its snowy slumber.

[scootoaster]

How to get your grill ready for summer

If you've neglected your grill, a bit of work will have it looking (and cooking) great. (Whitson Gordon/)

Few things are more exciting than that first 60-degree day after a harsh winter, when you can finally break out the grill and… stare in disbelief at the rusty, charred mess in front of you. Before you admit defeat and order pizza, give that grill a good deep cleaning—you’d be surprised what a bit of elbow grease can do.

“People have a tendency to forget how old their grills are, and when the last time they cleaned it was,” says Kevin Kolman, head grillmaster at Weber. Over time, the inside of your grill gets covered with schmutz—a word he assures me is official barbecue terminology—which can result in inconsistent temperatures and a lack of adequate heat. It can also cause minor flare-ups and other performance issues. A quick cleaning once a month can help avoid such problems, but if it’s been a bit longer than that—don’t worry, you aren’t alone—you may want to go a bit deeper.

What you’ll need for your deep clean

The moment you rouse your grill from its winter hibernation is a great time to give it a thorough cleaning, so it’s ready for the season. To do so, you’ll need a few things:

<b>A grill brush.</b> Kolman recommends buying a new grill brush every year. That way, you aren’t using a rusty five-year-old brush every time you fire up the barbie, and you can use last year’s brush for the early-season deep clean without worrying about ruining it. He likes <a href="https://ift.tt/2zIuRfW" target=_blank>Weber’s own 3-sided grill brush</a>—unsurprising since he works for the company—but <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3F0fRAPkn9U" target=_blank>so does America’s Test Kitchen</a>, so that’s what I used for this guide. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s a highly-rated brush from a trusted brand, since some cheaper ones can fall apart or strip the coating off your grates.

<b>A paint scraper.</b> Either <a href="https://ift.tt/2X0hIH9" target=_blank>metal</a> or <a href="https://ift.tt/2WwU4my" target=_blank>plastic</a> should work fine, Kolman says—you just want something with a flat edge that will scrape debris off the inside of your grill.

<b>Grill and grate cleaner.</b> A spray-on grill cleaner isn’t always necessary, but it can help make stubborn, burnt-on food easier to scrape off. I used <a href="https://ift.tt/2T6aIri" target=_blank>this Goo Gone grill cleaner</a>, though <a href="https://ift.tt/3bEER7b" target=_blank>Easy-Off</a> is another popular option, and <a href="https://ift.tt/3cMsbMU" target=_blank>Weber makes its own spray</a>, too.

<b>A scouring pad.</b> A <a href="https://ift.tt/2X3F6DC" target=_blank>mild scrubbing pad</a> will help clean off some of the more stubborn gunk.

<b>Dish soap.</b> You probably already have some in your kitchen—<a href="https://ift.tt/2z3kHGX" target=_blank>any decent dish soap</a> designed to de-grease should work fine.

<b>Stainless steel and/or glass cleaner.</b> If your grill has a porcelain hood, you can clean it with any old glass cleaner and paper towel. For stainless steel hoods and side tables, though, you’ll want a more specialized stainless steel cleaner and polish like <a href="https://ift.tt/2LsRZC1" target=_blank>this spray from Weiman</a>.

<b>A microfiber towel.</b> Again, if you have any stainless steel parts, <a href="https://ift.tt/2zIuYrS" target=_blank>a non-abrasive cloth</a> will help prevent cleaning-related scratches.

Get fired up—let’s do this

Once you have the necessary tools, it’s time to open up your grill and marvel at the disgusting state you left it in. We got our hands on a particularly neglected grill for this demonstration; hopefully yours looks a little better.

If your grill runs on gas, make sure its fuel supply has been turned off at the source—that little knob should always be shut when your grill is not in use—and survey the damage. (If you’re using a charcoal grill, the advice about some components—like burners—obviously won’t be relevant, but the rest of the guide should suit you well. Just follow the parts that apply to you.)

1. Remove the grill grates, along with any heat-dissipating panels and other easily removable parts. Weber grills often have a set of “flavorizer bars” above the burners that you’ll want to remove, for example. These parts may have a decent amount of rust, but as long as they don’t come in direct contact with food, that’s okay. We’ll still give them a good clean, but you aren’t likely to get them back to their original steel shine. “As long as the burners and bars do not have holes or pitted areas, these parts will work just fine,” Kolman says. “Issues occur when they are pitted, have holes and are breaking apart.”

2. Put some of your dish detergent in a large bucket and fill it with warm water. Toss in the grates, heat panels, and flavorizer bars and let them soak for a few minutes. (I didn’t have a bucket big enough to fit everything, so I used the lid to my kid’s old plastic sandbox. Whatever works, right?) If your grates are made of bare cast-iron instead of stainless steel, you don’t want to soak them—it can ruin the seasoning. Leave them aside for now.

3. Get brushing. While the removable parts soak, take your grill brush and give your burner tubes a once-over, making sure there isn’t any debris blocking the holes in the burner. Brush across the tubes, rather than along the length of each one—you don’t want to push debris into the holes as you go, as it can block the flame or clog the burners. Again, don’t worry if these are a little rusty—that’s normal.

Be careful when you brush the burners—you want to clean them, not fill them with gunk. (Whitson Gordon/)

4. Go back to your soapy bucket and give your steel components a good scrub with your scouring pad. If you need a bit of extra cleaning power, spray them with some grill and grate cleaner, let it sit for a moment, then scrub away. Be sure to rinse these parts with clean water when you’re done, then dry them with a rag.

5. Turn your attention to the grill itself. Start by checking the lid. If you see any flakes peeling along the inside, don’t panic: It’s not paint. “Because of the heat or moisture humidity inside there, the smoke has a tendency to bake itself onto the inside of the lid, and it’ll start to sheet itself off,” Kolman says. You can easily take your putty knife or grill brush and scrape away all that carbonized grease. It’s okay if it falls into the cookbox, because we’re about to clean that, too.

6. Check out the cookbox. There’s a good chance you have a lot of grease and food residue in the cookbox along the bottom of your grill. If so, grab a shop vacuum and clear out all the loose debris you can. (If you don’t have one, you can shovel some of it out yourself, but a small, relatively inexpensive shop vac goes a long way.) If there’s any debris caked on the bottom of the cookbox, grab your paint scraper and scrape it off. If it’s really fossilized, spray your grill cleaner, let it sit, then scrape again, pushing all that nasty stuff into the hole that leads to the drip tray. You can then slide the grease tray out and give it a good cleaning, too, brushing any debris into the trash. Wipe off any remaining cleaner with a wet paper towel.

If you're having a hard time getting some truly stubborn stuff out of your grill, spray it with some cleaner and get scraping. (Whitson Gordon/)

Finishing up

No matter how much you scrub, your grill will probably never look like it did the day you bought it, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to get it looking shiny brand-new—your goal is to remove large deposits of grease and charred food that can negatively impact your grill’s performance. Don’t feel like you need to replace your grill just because it has signs of use—consider them a badge of honor!

You may, however, have to replace some components here and there—like, as Kolman mentioned, heat panels that have cracks or holes in them. And if your cast-iron grates are rusted to hell like the ones on the run-down model we cleaned, you can either strip and re-season them, or just grab some new ones—we opted for the latter. (You can replace them with stainless steel if you want something a bit lower-maintenance, though the grilling ability of stainless steel versus iron is a debate all its own.) If your grill’s manufacturer doesn’t sell replacement parts for your particular unit, Grillparts.com is a great resource for tracking down hard-to-find pieces, and third-party vendors such as GrillGrate offer their own cooking surfaces for a variety of grills.

You may also find, once you fire up your grill, that your burners still need some extra love. One of mine was producing a large yellow flame rather than the more desirable small blue flame, which can indicate that it needs to be completely removed and cleaned with a bottle brush (or replaced entirely). Make sure everything is lighting up, too. If you’ve only got fire halfway along the length of the burner, you may have a clogged hole or two that you need to poke through with a pin.

When all the important stuff is done, feel free to clean the stainless steel on the outside as well. “Spray on the cleaner and let it sit for five minutes, because you need time for that cleaner to start to activate,” Kolman says. “Then take your microfiber towel and wipe with the grain.” He notes that you should avoid paper towels on steel, lest you scratch the finish. A porcelain lid is much more forgiving, and you can just use glass cleaner and paper towels for that. Clean any plastic parts with soap and water, and you’re ready for the first burgers of the season.

How to maintain your grill as you go

Don't neglect your grill grate between grillings. (Whitson Gordon/)

After buckling down for a deep clean, you’ve hopefully resolved to not ever let your grill get to such a sorry state again. Thankfully, Kolman has a few tips for making that happen.

“Every month, I think it’s a pretty good rule of thumb to take a look at the inside of the grill and clean up the flavorizer bars and grates,” he says. A bit of occasional scraping with a putty knife will help keep your grill operating at peak performance.

Kolman also recommends brushing the grates before you cook, not after. “Preheat your grill for 10 to 15 minutes, get the grates extremely hot, and any excess debris you have on there is going to get burned off.” Then just brush it away. He says brushing after you cook is more likely to gunk up the bristles of your brush.

These days, many people prefer wooden paddles instead of metal-bristled brushes for those in-between cleanings—that way you don’t get metal bits falling off into your food. America’s Test Kitchen didn’t see any issues with this in their durability tests, but they did find that a bristle-free metal brush like this one was more effective than a wooden paddle.

You should also empty and clean the drip tray regularly, Kolman says. “The more stuff you have down there, the less the grease is getting out, the more chance you have some minor flare-ups.” He says once a month is probably fine for most people, but if you do a lot of grilling, once every two weeks may be better. And for heaven’s sake, keep the grill under a cover when you aren’t using it, to protect it from the elements.

Kolman also recommends checking the gas connections regularly, especially if you’ve gone a few months since you last used your grill. Put a little soapy water around the gas fittings and turn the gas on. If the soap starts to bubble and move around, you’ve got a leak, and you’ll need to replace the component or have a professional check it out.

Other than that, don’t get too concerned about how your grill looks—it’s all about how it performs. Using your grill will naturally change the color and appearance of its interior, and that’s okay. It means you’re putting it to good use. A little maintenance goes a long way, and if you do a quick cleaning of the cookbox once every few months, you won’t have to go quite as hard every time you bring the grill out from its snowy slumber.