#depression ramble

[eboni-napalm]

It's so hard being a self-shipper when you have bouts of depression that come out of nowhere and hit hard enough to where you feel disconnected from your f/o's despite wanting them to be there with you. I've had that happen three times in the past five months and I just wish I had a way to work through it but I don't and it sucks. It also doesn't help that every time I want to gush about my f/o's on here or in the Discord servers I'm in, I'm always ignored or brushed over by people but everyone else in those servers get all the validation and positive interactions- my more obscure favorites are tossed aside but other people's obscure favorites get love. I just want to break down and cry and scream because I don't feel accepted no matter how hard I try- whether it's my age, my core interests, or whatever, I really feel like I don't belong here and I don't know what to do anymore. I wish my f/o's were real so they could support me and validate me in times like this, but they're not. And that's what hurts the most.

[allmyhomieshatelawns]

TW: discussion of ED aka an eating disorder

really wish my dad would stop contributing so hard to it. bc like, when i was young it wasn’t a whole lot of stuff, mostly them being like “wow are you sure you should have More?”

then i got a job when i got into college and it got worse. i’d be working until close, and get home. usually this was around 9:30, and i’d fix myself something to eat, bc most likely, i hadn’t eaten yet. which like yeah i’ve had an ed for p much most of my life. i’ve skipped breakfast on the reg since middle school. i’ve skipped breakfast and lunch on the reg since high school.

anyway, back to the topic at hand.

my dad would start harassing me. “it’s really late to be eating.” “you shouldn’t eat now.” etc. over and over until i snapped at him: “Would you prefer i went without?” and then he p much said yes, giving a non-answer means yes in this household unfortunately.

so now i don’t eat in front of him. it makes me sick even thinking about eating in front of him. like my stomach hurts, nausea, the works.

i keep eating later and later bc he won’t go to bed early enough. i hate him so much bc i WANT to eat earlier, but the thought makes me freeze and feel ill. why did he have to do this to me? why can’t we sue parents for being pieces of shit?

[makkie-is-screaming]

my relations ship with my older brother is- you were my biggest protector. You were my scariest monster. When mom was too depressed to get out of bed you got me food. You wanted me dead, you told me all the time. When I fell off my bike because my shoelaces got stuck in the pedal you ran down the street and fixed it, then got me a bandaid when I was too scared to go inside. You gave me a drawing of you stabbing me in the heart. When mom and dad fought you took me to your room and let me play with your ds while you listened and made sure they didn’t get violent. You molested me and I can never forgive you. I forgave you as it was happening. I don’t remember what you did. I remember everything. A boy pushed me in sixth grade and you beat the shit out of him. You picked me up once when you were mad at me and I went into fight or flight, ran away and had a panic attack. You used to buy me ice cream from the ice cream truck. I still have nightmares about what you did. When you almost died I hugged you for the first time in years and you held me tight and cried. I felt nothing. You tell me everything. I’m scared to talk to you. I’m your little sister and mother and something else at the same time and for that I hate you.

[edains]

Rick Riordan constantly trashing the movies for not sticking to his books then releasing a show in which he rewrites everything and loses the spirit of the books entirely

[lazylittledragon]

me when going to bed at a normal time, eating fruits, having less caffeine, not socially isolating and taking silly little walks actually improves my mental health, knowing that i avoided it for years because i didn’t think it would do anything

[ramblingmindofrayyan]

Sometimes it’s really lonely being me.

[haunted-xander]

Who's the "real" me?

+ some references for the Rise-related things I included <3

[jellyjamheadobb]

[traumasurvivors]

I often see messages about how “one day you’ll be thankful you didn’t give up”.

And I remember reading these messages years ago and dismissing them. I’d even feel bitter at them. I’d feel annoyed even. I thought there was never a chance they would be true for me.

I was wrong. I constantly feel so glad I stuck around.

This morning, I laid next to my husband and felt safe in his arms. And I thought about how glad I was to be here with him. I’d have never met him if I hadn’t tried to recover.

While writing this post, my dog stretched in the bed before circling and plopping herself back down. Her head pushed into my side, snoring so quickly. And I was so thankful to be around to hear her little snores and feel her next to me. I’d have never had her if I hadn’t done the work to heal.

Yesterday, my best friend and I made plans to see each other. She told me she loved me. It made me feel warm inside and so thankful I was around to see her get married and have her at my wedding.

I enjoy the little things now. I enjoy the way my husband always gives me a forehead kiss before he leaves. I enjoy the way my dog comes running when she hears me go lay on the bed because she wants to be with me. I enjoy the tea I have every day, being able to be outside in the sun. I enjoy excitedly waiting for music from my favourite artists to drop.

All these things I’d never enjoy if I gave up.

I am thankful I stuck around. I am thankful I didn’t give up.

And I hope that if you aren’t, that one day you are too.

[chronicowboy]

no but my work here is done is still fucking destroying me because like. bobby doesn't know. bobby doesn't know that buck enjoys their cooking lessons because he gets to be with bobby. bobby doesn't know that buck probably agreed to it at first to get closer to him. bobby doesn't know that whilst yes buck loves cooking it was always more about the quality time. bobby doesn't know that buck could be the best chef in the world and he'd still pretend not to know the correct way to slice a pineapple just so he could get an extra few moments with bobby. bobby doesn't know.

[letsventstuff]

I can't. I really can't take any more of this.

[prince-liest]

Some thoughts on Lucifer's mental health, relationships, and role as king of hell!

Lucifer’s perception of himself as the king of hell is really interesting to me because he’s very blase about it in canon while totally using it when it suits him.

I think it’s really telling that the first time he actually brings it up himself is when it’s something he can leverage to help Charlie out. He reads to me like someone who objectively knows that he’s the hottest shit in town, but also just doesn’t really think that it matters most of the time because it's not relevant to his personal problems. Being Lucifer Morningstar did not allow him to achieve his goals in petitioning heaven. Being the most powerful person in hell didn’t even un-fuck his family life!

...Except for when suddenly it might in fact help un-fuck his relationship with his daughter.

It's the main thing he can desperately and dramatically showcase as a worthwhile reason for Charlie to maintain a relationship with him, because he as a person is depressed, half-functional, and barely has enough spoons to pay attention to a conversation he's having with her while he's actively having it, nevermind remembering their last one.

He wants to! And it doesn't start with his song at the hotel! It starts with him answering the phone, heavily fumbling actually connecting with Charlie despite clearly desperately wanting to, and then realizing she's asking him for something and promptly choking on his tea before excitedly telling her, "Yeah! Of course! Anything within my power is yours for the asking, you just name it." He knows that there is a great deal 'within his power,' and he's happy and relieved that he can offer her that!

Lilith has been gone for years but he's still wearing his wedding ring. His walls are still covered in family portraits. He's just been sitting in his room making thousands of rubber ducks he thinks suck instead of ruling hell, because his daughter liked that one duck he made one time.

Charlie needed him to support her in her mission, but damn did Lucifer also need Charlie to get him out and moving and actually doing things again.

Anyway, someone get this man on an SSRI.

[foldingfittedsheets]

My beloved and I realllly need to move because our house is full of mold and carpets which house allergens that are eating my beloved up from the inside. I finally have the income to justify it. Moving is inherently stressful but I found a place that looks pretty legit to look at on Tuesday.

It has extra bedrooms, a yard, a garage. It’s only a few hundred more than we pay now but it’s kinda perfect. I’m dreading the actual move but trying to get psyched by nice new things like more light coming in, less horrible children standing in the parking lot where cars go. It would be closer to work for my beloved, and not too far from mine. The cats are gonna hate hardwood floors but you can’t please everyone.

[chrliekclly]

got contacted with s17 shooting dates :)))

[ramblingmindofrayyan]

Why am I always so lonely. It hurts. It hurts.

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

No but imagine enemies to lovers with Eris or anyone who this might fit. An arranged marriage for convenience and while others are trying to get them to wed it’s like….

Eris: If you were ever my wife, I would put poison in your morning tea.

Everyone’s like: 👀👀👀

OC: Yeah… If you were my husband, I’d drink it. *smiles while Eris is there rolling his eyes*

But then the moment she is actually his wife, he becomes so protective of her. Hell would freeze over quicker then he would allow anything to happen to her. You know…