#december's nearly over. the year is. so much is on the horizon n i'm both simultaneously anticipant & hesitant to face it all
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hmm
#tbd#just thinking a bit before i sleep#today was mostly a good day but. i think i'm still tired yeah i feel like disappearing#just. sit by the sand n watch the waves. lose myself in the sight n the sound n#just sit there until the sun comes up n#thought abt it n i haven't been doing well at all lately but fiction's been a great comfort. n. stuff online in general like my friends her#i think that nightmare i had of being completely replaced n forgotten hurt me more than i thought. burying the pain was a mistake but i#don't want to make others worry#n.. that feeling of worthlessness n regret n feeling lost n utterly confused. forgetting myself n everything#peaked 2 nights ago. when i.. nah when i accidentally did That yeah#i really don't want to think about it anymore but i know it isn't smth i shld just keep to myself but#it.. haunts me so much. whether i reach out or not it'll hurt. n i'm willing to just shoulder the pain alone. i'm used to it anyways#n i'm so confused bcs despite my disposition or wtvr when it comes to reality. fiction tells me a different story#both are truths. they can coexist n they do but#goddamn i don't want to think of it anymore. i just want to.. live in that moment forever#those moments. under the starry sky. the cold night that warmed my heart or#the sight of the dawn this morning. the moon n the horizon. the clouds yonder n#dusk earlier as well. the wonder i felt for life as a whole; a feeling i missed all too dearly#time's going by far too fast. listening to edge of dawn is making me emotional rn oh my god#december's nearly over. the year is. so much is on the horizon n i'm both simultaneously anticipant & hesitant to face it all#it's a bittersweet feeling when you're living n going about your day like i've been recently but it feels like a dream#n soon i'll wake up. the gentle rays of the early morning sun will quickly turn into scorching heat. n then#i'm tired of writing even though i cld add more to that but hmm. the cycle goes on n on. morning then night then the morrow comes once more#until a point where all these days accumulate n.. yeah#yk what i'll just go to sleep instead. i'll just do more tmrrw n. yeah. i'll try to stop or distract myself before these thoughts get#too much like two nights ago or smth. i'll try to sleep peacefully tonight#distract myself from some aspects of reality in just this moment temporarily.#despite how tired i am i'm still so hesitant to rest n sleep but i'll push myself to do it now. gn. i'll just do more tomorrow
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