#day one of trying to implement this as a daily routine if i’m home around sunset

[harrylights]

sat by the ocean to watch the sunset, teardrops and only the brave closed it out right as the sun went down past the mountains 🌞

[sleephyjhs]

When You’re Expecting (Taehyung Headcanon)

pairing: taehyung x pregnant!reader

warnings: mention of fertility & pregnancy complications

note: i’ve been craving to write a bts x pregnancy series for a while so here we go !! if there’s a specific member you’d like to see next, shoot me an ask :)

m.list

FINDING OUT

even before finding out you were pregnant, you both had so much love for your child

there was nothing either of you could have wanted more than a baby

it was always at the forefront of your mind how much you wanted a little human of your own

it was approaching a year since you began trying seriously

a few false hopes and two miscarriages later, fertility drugs were looking to improve the chances of conceiving

the raging hormones which came with the drugs were all worth the positive test

early september - sickness had hung around your throat for days

headaches lasted longer than usual, and crying at the most mundane things had become an unwelcome habit

in the bathroom cabinet, you’d collected a small stockpile of electronic and stick pregnancy tests

one of them would eventually show positive, right?

taehyung sat on the bathroom tiles with you

waiting two minutes felt closer to waiting two months

he crossed his legs, bouncing his knees impatiently

your knees came to your chin; high hopes weighed heavily on your heart

the alarm set on his phone beeped quietly

your heartbeat rose suddenly to your throat

taehyung reached out for your hand as you turned to read the results

two blue lines - as clear as day

they became less clear as your eyes coated with thick, salty tears

he began to chuckle as his happiness trickled down his cheeks

“we did it baby! we’re gonna have a baby!” he whispered, choked up by his own anticipation

no words were left swirling in your mind

your jaw hung open as though the hinges were faulty

shakily, you lifted the electronic test to triple check

pregnant.

as you crashed into taehyung’s open arms, memories of the past loomed in your mind

it was only inevitable

a positive test was a familiar joy to you both

however this familiar joy had only ever been followed by crippling devastation

as much as you tried not to think about it, you couldn’t help but retain maternal caution

however, this time also felt different

taehyung’s spirit, your spirit - it was as though fate didn’t want to disappoint you any more

someone out there decided it was finally your time to grow a mini human to bring into the world

of course, no time was wasted in contacting the maternity clinic

seeing your baby on a screen was now a top priority

just to see their little head, maybe even hear their heartbeat

just to know they were okay

just to know you were keeping them cosy and safe, that’s all you needed

taehyung couldn’t hold his excitement

from leaving the house to reaching the hospital, his toothy grin never wiped from his cheeks

he never said anything at the time since his main focus was always on comforting you

but losing his babies near enough tore him apart

even when you tried to comfort him, taehyung restricted himself just to protect your wellbeing

of course, the worse had already crossed his mind

but it wouldn’t get the better of him

it couldn’t.

you soon learned you were already 6 weeks pregnant

the midwife had to point out where your little baby was hanging out; they were such a tiny thing after all

briefly, you took the opportunity to hear their heartbeat

it was faint over the machine, but fast

there really was a life within you.

“there’s something else, if you just look over here...” the midwife prompted, turning the monitor so you could grasp a better view

taehyung leaned slightly over your chest to peer closely at the smaller monochrome screen

with the mouse, she circled a second bean shaped figure

“the fertility drugs increase the chance of twins. looks like you guys got lucky!”

twins. you were having twins.

THE PREGNANCY

like with most pregnancies, you were advised to wait until the 12 week milestone to begin announcing your impending delivery

and even though he understood the importance of patience right now, taehyung could hardly contain his excitement

it didn’t help that a little bump had already begun to grow

keeping a secret was much more difficult when the evidence was near impossible to hide

already, taehyung spent early mornings talking to his little angels

telling them stories he seemingly made up on the spot

or even borrowing some from his own childhood

“you know they can’t hear you yet? it’s about 7 weeks until they’ll be able to, honey.”

“i know, i’m just practising for when they can.”

of course, you wouldn’t admit that you did the same when you were alone

you attended more midwife appointments than other expectant mothers might

the pair of you much preferred being on the safer side

in the car, when on a quieter, less congested road, taehyung often reached over to cradle your still-growing bump with a free hand

you slotted your fingertips between his for additional sappiness

“you two have so many people waiting for you here, hmm? many people are already so in love with you both. me and mummy included.”

on a sleepless night, you’d made a small pact with tae

it was a rash decision, but sincere nonetheless

“no matter what, they are always going to know how wanted they were. always.”

taehyung hardly needed reminding of this, but it was still a weight off your shoulders

as you tried to conceive, the pregnancy diet had already been implemented into your daily routines

however now that you were carrying two precious babies, there really would be no more ‘cheat’ days for you

no more extra half cups of coffee on slower mornings

although you usually took over the role of head chef in the house, taehyung dedicated extra effort into preparing you both healthy and yummy foods

sautéd rice with green vegetables and lean meat/tofu appeared to be his go-to

but you still opted to supervise just in case

finally being able to announce your pregnancy was another heavy weight lifted from your mind

the other members were over the moon for you both

particularly when they reminded themselves of the struggles you had experienced previously

and also remembering the utter devastation of their taehyung when he had to break it to them

all of them kept their eye out for little gifts and outfits

each week, taehyung came home with a new stack of pale rompers or neutral-tones teething toys

these babies would have the best uncles; at least that much you could be certain of

announcing your pregnancy on social media was a looming task, but one he was determined to pull off perfectly

for filler content between schedules, the members had been asked to film a 5 minute vlog of their daily life

well, what a perfect opportunity!

towards the end, taehyung made sure to include some shots of your now protruding bump overlaid with some more vintage camera settings

safe to say, that day you had broken the internet

love, congratulations and blessings poured in from every corner of the earth

a few comments complimenting how much pregnancy suited you touched you especially

self image is commonly effected by the progression of pregnancy, and you were no exception to that

although it was amazing how your body grew and made a little home for your tiny babies, it was still quite strange to see yourself changing so quickly

your favourite clothes didn’t fit around your doubled bump anymore

and your skin seemed to hate sharing nutrients with two extra people

but for the days where you struggled to love yourself, taehyung easily filled in the gaps for you

sneaking up behind you in the bathroom

(although the mirror kinda gave him away)

he’d wrap his arms around your just-moisturised bump and carefully rest his chin on your shoulder

“tell me all your worries honey.”

you gushed over how much you missed wearing your favourite jackets

and how strange it was to look at yourself in such a new and confusing way

“i know it’s normal, and i know i have to do it for them. but i guess it’s just weird - i don’t look like myself anymore”

he sighed and planted a kiss on a spot of bare skin

those small kisses still tickled you like they always had

“well, you definitely look different,”

you really hoped there was a second part to that sentence, mostly for tae’s own good

“but why does that have to be bad? not gonna lie, it actually kinda makes you hotter. maybe we should make babies more often!”

“make~?”

LABOUR AND DELIVERY

originally, you had wanted to try and stick to the natural route for as long as you could

but after a few contractions, that idea was immediately out of the window

to help steady yourself and wait out the pain, you held onto the kitchen island and swayed to your own pace

eventually, taehyung joined you

copying the same movements while timing your contractions

“they really must be desperate to come out, huh?”

“well do you think they could hurry it up a bit?!”

the pair of you had been prepared for this for over a month

the hospital bag was ready by the door with all of your essentials packed tightly inside

not forgetting the pots of instant ramen taehyung insisted he must bring in case of an emergency

just as he was readying to back out of the driveway, taehyung took a mental stock check of everything packed in the back

“do you think we have everything?”

“i love you but stop talking please.”

thankfully, he understood well that the sheer pain made you cranky

so long as he assured himself that it was ‘just the contractions’, he’d be just fine

as much as he couldn’t wait to announce he was about to become a father to everyone, he kept himself grounded when walking you to the maternity ward

one corridor in and you’d suggested that a wheelchair might be a better mode of transport

breathlessness and contractions didn’t sound like a favourable mix to you

the assessment of your fast dilation granted you an immediate spot in the labour ward

you’d picked this suite specially due to its expansive space

the option of a birthing pool was still available if you so needed it, but the mood lighting and access to aromatherapy was what attracted you to the room in the first place

a serene paradise for your angels to be born into

it was perfect

taehyung explored while you adjusted to your new surroundings

of course, it didn’t take him long to find the birthing ball

“what’s the difference between a yoga ball and a birthing ball?”

there obviously was none, but you took a few seconds to try and be smart with him

“well, sit on that and you might have a baby the size of a watermelon come out of you soon.”

taehyung cradled his torso and pulled a shocked expression, which was enough to make you giggle and cause another contraction

less than a few hours passed, and you had already attempted to scream the building down once or twice

“get these babies out of me. no i’m serious, i need them out.”

realising your deadpan expression, taehyung soon attended to you at the head of your bed

stroking your slightly sweaty head and patting a ice cold flannel on your clammy forehead

he braced himself for a crushing hand grip which came about sooner than he’d prepared for

you weren’t the biggest fan of commotion, and so being surrounded by nurses and doctors was close to being your worst nightmare

taehyung focused his voice into your ear, trying to minimise the tension coming from below your pelvis

his motivational words were broken up by short bursts of pushes

many of which were followed by a string of curse words which just slipped out

and then, there it was.

the first piercing cry belted across the room

a tear or two may have happened to slip from your eyes

finally the moment you’d waited for, nearly two years in the making, was here

the first of two, a little girl who already had a head full of the most luscious black hair

taehyung wanted to hold back his happy tears in order to show some kind of strength

but you and him both knew he’d never hold it back for long

within the space of 4 minutes, the second baby was born into the world.

but this time, there was no immediate cry

the whole world seemed to slow down in that moment as you waited

and waited

midwifes gathered around the new infant, looking for any kind of obstruction

but, soon enough, your son said his first hello to the world

[yandere-sins]

Routine

I had the absolute pleasure to write for @bellanovas who wished for a continuation for the events after Different ♥ Thank you so much for your support over Ko-fi and then continously as a commission, you’re awesome!

Characters: Yandere!Atsumu Miya x Fem!Reader x Yandere!Osamu Miya (For clarification: While they reader in the previous one-shots used they/them pronouns, we used she/her here) Warnings: Yandere, Kidnapping, Emotional Meltdown, Forced Affection, Attempted Feeding

Even you knew the charm of routine. 

Even though you were kidnapped and held in this apartment against your will by not one but two crazy men, you understood how a routine helped you to look forward to certain things and not so much to others. Still, it was nice knowing Osamu woke up first, letting you and his brother pull the blanket over your heads a few minutes more until Atsumu had to get up for his morning run and you for your breakfast. You always looked forward to them leaving for the day, despite it meaning they were going to lock you in your room, but at least you had some alone time to either keep napping, read a book, or play a game. It was also the only time you were able to shower or bath without always having the nagging feeling of someone waiting at the door for you, trying to get in even though they knew you locked it. 

Routine meant knowing that your peace would be disturbed with either of the two coming home. There wasn’t a pattern to who returned first and when, the two of them communicating it throughout the day without having a way of letting you know - and not always wanting you to know either. If it was Osamu, you knew you’d at least get dinner soon. If it was Atsumu who walked through the door, a big idiotic grin on his face when he saw you, you sighed, wishing he’d still be at practice. At least, if Atsumu let go of you, he let you roam the full apartment and often brought you new things to get busy with.

However, that was only your day. The meaning of ‘routine’ meant something different entirely for the twins.

Cornering you against the wall, you averted your face to escape the smell of a deodorant shower mixed with sweat. It couldn’t be helped; Atsumu was what he wanted to be - an athlete. Nonetheless, he liked to disregard your personal space in favor of getting closer and closer, even if he only just returned home after a long day, immediately causing a ruckus. 

You see, for the twins, you were the height of their days. No matter how much they enjoyed their daily activities, once they were done, you were the only thing on their mind. No amount of desire and yearning could come close to the drive they felt rushing back from their work to their home to continue their routine of loving you. A feature of this routine was that things you did once had to be shown again. Had to be experienced again, especially if they were cute. 

Thus, your current suffering involved a grown man cornering you, trying to squeeze out the sweet, sweet ‘Welcome Home’ you muttered to him while your mind was foggy from the pleasure you had experienced on that day. It had become a part he’d have liked to implement in his routine, especially with how stubborn you turned out to be when it came to repeating it. You weren’t raising your hands or struggled as much as you did at first when they kidnapped you, but this was a matter of principle. Once you gave in to Atsumu, you’d always have to do it, and once they had this little bit, they’d demand more enthusiasm and more work. You’ve been with them long enough. You knew how these things would end.

It had been foolish, you couldn’t lie. Even though you had only tried to soothe the flared tempers of your captors with these words and were driven by serotonin and other feelings of happiness, you could only blame yourself for doing what you did. Never before had you shown even the smallest enthusiasm over their return, and having, especially Atsumu, latch on to that now, was just an immediate consequence. Any piece of affection you gave him was swallowed wholly and manifested in his head as a new routine for him. Had it been anything else - a kiss, a hug, an apology - you’d be in the same predicament, but it just had to be this silly greeting.

Perhaps you should have tried humoring him just to please him and get him off you, but the thought alone made you want to throw up. Once you’d allow this to fester in his routine, Osamu, too, would demand the same treatment. Before you knew it, the words alone wouldn’t be enough to satisfy their growing hunger for your attention. Suddenly you’d have to be affectionate with them when they arrived at your door, and they’d start to crave for more than you had to offer. There would be no avoiding or forgetting about something they made their routine, and soon enough, it would need to become part of your schedule too.

“I’m home,” he cooed, leaning forward to kiss your forehead. He was prompting you, fishing for what he wanted. Atsumu had a gift to ignore failure, simply trying it again even if his endeavors hadn’t been successful yet. ‘No’ wasn’t in his dictionary, and his understanding of you entirely revolved around loving you and gaining attention and praise from you. Fighting him was the worst. Though Osamu scared you more on a general day-to-day-basis, Atsumu was undeniably trickier than his brother. At least Osamu knew how to take a hint, while Atsumu ignored any and all that didn’t suit him. 

“Home,” he continued, lips fluttering against your temple. “Home~” Another kiss to your chin. Arms started to crawl around your body, feeling like caterpillars wandering over your skin. Knowing what was about to happen, you tensed up, feeling your flight instincts setting in. But where to? Atsumu was already all around you. 

Reluctantly you complied with Atsumu’s demands, his pulls and pushes leading you to the nearby couch. You knew if you wouldn’t move by your own efforts, he’d drag you with him, and not very gently so. At least that much you had already gone through, experienced, and submitted to. You preferred moving over bruising from his grips and pulls. It still wasn’t easy to give in to the fall when Atsumu plummeted onto the cushions, making you lose your steady feet on the ground in favor of seating you on his lap. Still, even that was manageable, though you wished you could have chosen any other position than straddling him. 

The two of you settled like this, his deodorant still filling your nose with its pungent smell, but the hand placing upon the back of your head pushed you forward into his chest relentlessly. It was dizzying but not the worst thing you ever smelled, even though you’d have preferred his deodorant not to be as strong and musky. 

Satisfied, Atsumu embraced you tightly for a few seconds, taking a deep breath of you in return, until you started to stir from the uncomfortable hug. At least for now, you figured he had given up on demanding your sweet voice to welcome him home, if only so because he wanted to cuddle. It may seem like a compromise to him, but you knew it was him forcing you to decide which was the greater bad of the two options he was giving you. Nothing was stopping Atsumu from burying his hands beneath your shirt, his skin noticeably colder than you after he just came home, enough to make you flinch lightly and dig your hands into his arms. 

You tried to get up and free yourself. Still, Atsumu merely chuckled, his response a joking yet demanding, “No! Warm me!” as he reached up all the way over your back, well-maintained, soft hands digging into your sides roughly. Taking a sharp breath, you had a hard time toggling the pain and uncomfortableness that rose in you, wondering what he was up to while Atsumu remained calm and indifferent about your struggles. A few more shifts were all you did, feeling his fingertips squeeze you harder every time you moved, forcing you to give up if you wanted him to release you from the pain.

Immediately, his hands became soft again as he felt you slump in his hug submissively, Atsumu too taking a deep breath before rubbing his cheek against yours affectionately. The areas he had just clenched down on burned up quickly, but you felt the relief set in as the pain slowly subsided. Littering the side of your face with kisses, he finally pulled out a hand from your shirt again, directing your head against his chest once more. You could feel his body relax as he followed your example to slump into the couch, one hand caressing the back of your head with slow, tender strokes while the other one held you in place around your waist precautiously, so you wouldn’t jump up. He held you like a precious, loved child, though he was nothing even remotely close to a parent.

There was no escape from someone so eager to pretend this was a healthy relationship. That you were an actual couple hugging and embracing each other, even if you were more of a limp doll in his arms, barely able to bring up the enthusiasm to hold him in return. All you did was fixate your eyes on the entrance to your room while your ear rested against Atsumu’s chest, hearing an excited beating through his shirt. 

Ba-dump. Ba-dump. 

“I did really well today! Everyone was praising me for my setting,” Atsumu began to recount.

Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump.

“And Bokkun, he--” Interrupting himself with a laugh, Atsumu shook his head, heart beginning to race a little faster. “He tried to look extra cool, but he totally jumped into the net today and got stuck!”

Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. 

“What about you?” he shifted his attention, and you knew he looked down at the top of your head from above, his thumb coming forth to brush over your eyebrows. “I played Mario Kart today,” you whispered, unwilling to create an awkward silence and cause him to urge you on with more painful touches. 

Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. 

“Let’s play together after dinner!” Atsumu enthusiastically exclaimed, and you knew it wasn’t an invitation, but a firm statement of how you were going to spend your evening. It also didn’t surprise you that despite talking about Volleyball before, his heart only began to race now that you had spoken up. Atsumu could be that easy to read if he allowed it. 

You thought of the possibility of a nap as he kept spluttering excitedly about how he was going to win against you and how much better he was at games than his brother. Atsumu called it ‘the perk of being the older twin’ that he was winning so much, despite you remembering that he lost almost all the games lately, suspecting it was because he tried to gain your approval by letting you win. 

But your stream of thoughts were harshly interrupted by a sudden hand grabbing you by the arm, pulling you off Atsumu’s lap and out of his embrace. Atsumu’s merrily blabbering came to a halt, and you caught a glimpse of his face wrinkling while you fought with getting to your feet alone. “Go shower, you stink, ‘Tsumu,” you heard Osamu’s familiar voice raise behind you, another help coming to support your struggles.

“It’s not like [Name] cared,” Atsumu hissed, rising after you, their two bodies giving you a feeling of menace as they kept you between each other. “We just enjoyed cuddling, what’s wrong with you?!”

“It’s dinnertime, and you’re still not showered and changed, that’s what’s wrong, Dumbass.”

Atsumu did a short, upset flinch, a huff falling off his lips before he trotted off, pouting. Nothing angered him more than admitting his faults, and Osamu pointing them out didn’t help his swollen ego. Finally, after what seemed to be a quick pat-down, Osamu’s hands disappeared too, and he muttered a short “‘am home,” when you finally turned around, though other than Atsumu he wasn’t as persistent on you returning the greeting as you avoided your eyes and ignored it. Still, he waited for a hesitant, unsure moment, and you supposed the stakes were high when even Osamu considered delaying his routine just to hear your response.

But nodding slowly, his patience took over, and he turned to leave, having you trot after him with a relieved, inwardly sigh. Passing by the twin’s bathroom, you heard Atsumu’s phone play music as he started up a shower behind the door, but with Osamu being unbothered by it, you couldn’t care much about it either. Instead, you felt your stomach grumbling, your last meal having taken place well over five hours ago.

Absentmindedly as you thought back to the bread and egg you had in the morning, you stepped behind the kitchen isle, only to gain a very sharp, alert glare from Osamu, catching you by surprise. Understanding quickly, you were back on the other side, sliding onto one of the three stools on the other side of the kitchen counter, waiting patiently, for this was Osamu’s routine and not yours. 

Where you got your food depended on what either of the twins was feeling like. For Atsumu, it could be a quick plate of pasta on the table in your room or convenience store-bought items on the couch while watching TV. But for Osamu, when it came to be his turn - and luckily that was more often than Atsumu’s - he had you sitting pretty and proper at his side as he finished dinner, mostly served in the kitchen for convenience. 

Cooking was a skill he had in his blood. No wonder he raised ‘Onigiri Miya’ to be a famous hotspot in no time. But besides lavish onigiri, he also was decent with everything else he tried out and wasn’t stingy on bringing home fresh ingredients to feed you and his brother. Even Atsumu’s unique needs for his sports career were met by Osamu’s food, and though he did it with a straight face, you knew he enjoyed cooking very much. 

Being dependent was despicable, that much you knew, but even so, his food could make the world a little better. Even if you wished it wasn’t, well, from someone so toxic and sinister. Someone, whose greatest pleasure was watching you eat the food he prepared for you. Someone who was that kind of crazy. 

It was criminal that the plate before you smelled so damn good. 

Going without food for a long time, or even just a few more hours than usual that day, it was heaven to smell the curry whose steam rose to your nose sweetly. Without doing anything lately to upset Osamu, he even picked out the vegetables and ingredients you liked. A trick he liked to use on you whenever you ‘misbehaved’ was feeding you with only the things you despised. So right now, it was pure bliss, even though you knew it was nothing short of being the reward part of his carrot and stick methods.

You started to scoop a spoonful of it up, not waiting for any signal - you didn’t have to do that, luckily - before putting it in your mouth, letting the hearty taste lay down on your taste buds and the comfortable warmth spread in your body. Usually, you cursed Osamu in your mind, but this day all you could think of was how wonderful the nourishing this meal was for you. Enthusiastically, you kept stuffing your mouth full with it, hoping you’d never get full and your plate never empty.

At least for a while, it truly seemed that way, as you ate and ate some more. However, soon enough, your tummy started to feel stuffed, every spoon getting harder and harder to swallow. You weren’t sure why you were feeling this way when you snapped back from your food trance, hesitating to take the next spoon, only to catch an entirely different spoon putting rice and curry on your plate. Confused, you looked up and at Osamu, who had a very pure and tender smile playing on his lips as he kept taking small portions from his plate, to leave them on yours. 

“Uhm…” you mumbled, blinking a few times in confusion, and he, too, seemed to snap out of his thoughts, meeting your gaze wordlessly. “I’m full, so…” you tried to explain, putting your spoon aside. “Why? Don’t you like it?” It was almost laughable with how much his voice dipped low in disappointment as he said that, Osamu’s eyeing your plate gloomily, shoulder’s slacking. “N-No, it was delicious,” you muttered, a pang of nervosity driving through you. The last thing you wanted was to get on his bad side now. 

“Well, then,” he chirped up again, continuing his curry transfer. “You had no dinner yesterday, after… you know…”

Oh, you knew. And frankly, remembering it now made you feel even worse about the kitchen counter you had sullied the day before with your actions than you usually felt sitting here and contemplating your life choices as Osamu cooked. “Breakfast wasn’t much, so I wanted to make sure you eat enough today.”

“I’m fine, really,” you assured him, but Osamu biting his lip with a doubtful shine in his eyes almost made it seem like he couldn’t believe it even after you ate your portion and most of his. “One more,” he prompted, holding up the hill of rice-curry-mix on his spoon to you, and you felt your stomach turn both from thinking about consuming any more and from letting him feed you. Backing away ever so slightly, you bit back on the urge to decline his offer verbally, instead taking your own spoon to eat from your own plate with your own cutlery. 

Osamu merely watched, a shade falling over his eyes. Still, unprompted, he proceeded to leave the fill on his spoon on your plate again, proceeding to push you to eat more. You didn’t like to acknowledge this side of him, always wanting to believe he was more mature and tempered than his brother, but Osamu, too, could take too much pride in his doings and get pouty when he didn’t get the recognition for his work. It was a bad trait they shared, and though you tried to ignore his watchful eyes whenever you ate his cooking, you knew he was watching you with boundless joy because it was his cooking you were eating. Sometimes, like that day, you even ate with pleasure. 

It made you aware that he reveled in this feeling of being your provider, the hand feeding you, and you wondered if he always thought this way about himself, or only now that you had allowed him closer than ever to you, caressing the remnants of doubts into security. Perhaps, he felt more confirmed in his beliefs after you led him on, believed more in a connection than he did before. 

Scooping only the smallest amount of curry onto your tool, you proceeded to have some more tastes, hoping it would satisfy Osamu if he saw you eat at least a bit more. You dared to think not even he really knew what he wanted from you, and his actions were only placeholders for his true intentions. The intentions of watching you do things that were pleasing to him. 

Even though the hand enveloping yours suddenly came as a shock, it was almost a saving grace if not for the person behind it. Cooling drops of water fell onto the side of your face, and your shoulder as Atsumu leaned over your side, pulling the spoon to his mouth with a loud, “Aah!” 

Before anyone could react, he had already taken a mouthful, wiping the corner of his mouth with his thumb while his other hand held up the towel around his hips. “It’s good!” he announced, letting out a fond sigh while licking his lips. “Where’s my plate?”

“Where are your clothes?” Osamu retorted sharply.

“In my room, why?”

Staring each other down while Atsumu used your hand casually to keep feeding himself curry, you were both baffled by the exchange as well as him not getting his own spoon or not use your hand to navigate food to his maw. Mannerly, you turned a blind eye towards the towel or the lack of clothes thereof, but an uncomfortable friction began to spread in the air nonetheless.

“Get some clothes and stop spreading water all over the floor, and we can talk about you getting dinner.”

“You’re too sticky with yer damn rules,” Atsumu complained, finally letting go of your hand and turning to leave for his room. “What if someone slips? What if she,” Osamu worried, pointing to you though you weren’t comfortable with being used in this conversation, “falls and hits her head? You want that?”

“‘Course not,” Atsumu quietly admitted, sounding offended, a little worried even, but mostly pouting. “At least get me a plate too,” were his last words before he toddled off, and Osamu sighed, rolling his eyes at his brother before getting up. He wasn’t fooling you, you knew you weren’t a child anymore, and you wouldn’t slip on a few drops of water on the floor - at least, not seriously. It would have made sense for him to think so little of you, simply to undermine your being, but you couldn’t believe it yourself. Watching as Osamu filled another plate with steaming, delicious curry, you pushed your plate away from you, making it very clear you were done. 

However, before you could go, Atsumu returned, taking the seat at your other side for himself and using your spoon to get an up front fill on the food, Osamu returning shortly after, scolding him for eating your food. “Don’t steal from other people’s plates, ‘Tsumu.”

“She’s done,” he confirmed what you had wanted to tell Osamu all this time. “You’re just jealous because I get to eat from her plate.”

“‘Am not.”

“Tell that someone who believes you.”

Their bickering continued, a laughable display of their sibling relationship. As if they could not go a moment without a tease or a snappy comment. As if this was normal, and to some degree, it seemed like it. By the corners of their mouth ever so often twitching upwards, as they joked on each other’s expenses, or the plates being put into the sink to be washed off later, it was all so normal. Just an ordinary evening, on a typical day, with not so sane individuals around you, but overall it appeared so awfully normal. 

Supposedly, that’s what routine did to you. It made a situation that was nothing short of abstruse seem alright and normal, even though the tears welling up as your heart clenched with the realization, weren’t at all a sign of normality. Rather, it was desperation, pity, and fear of what was going on. What was becoming of you when even you started to adapt to this routine of your new days, a routine brought to you by the twins rather than from your endeavors and your life going forward. What would happen? Where would your life lead to?

You couldn’t care about the gazes you earned, two conflicted bastards watching the tears leave lines as they rolled down your face, cold and calculating. Still, neither of them reached out to comfort you yet. They wanted to see where the situation was going, what was happening. If you’d lash out again at them, throw a tantrum, or just fold into yourself. Fulfilling your needs wasn’t always easy with the relationship you three had, and they glanced at each other, hoping their twin would know more about what to do than they did individually. 

But neither of their routines included tending to a meltdown, and yours didn’t either. They could pretend to be normal as much as they wanted. Still, the paradise they tried to uphold daily was rotting and decaying under the surface even if everything seemed to be fine. Laughs, fun, and forceful measurements couldn’t bring them what they really wanted, but it broke you into pieces more and more every day. Their routine and their acting slowly made you wilt and lose yourself, and neither you nor they knew how to deal with that. How to deal with your own routine of slowly succumbing to their forcing. 

They didn’t know.  

They didn’t know, so Osamu emerged from the kitchen to help you up, drag you back to the couch in your room, and sit you down between the two brothers as they put on the TV, latched a big blanket over you three. Their hands rested on your body, but you weren’t even uncomfortable with their touches at that moment, one palm rubbing over your lower back and one on top of your thighs comfortingly. A thumb drawing circles over your knee, while Atsumu pulled you to rest against his chest again, experience the warmth and comfort of another person wanting to help you through whatever you were experiencing. It was something they couldn’t understand, but didn’t intend to happen, at least, that much you took from Osamu’s worried frown as he wiped away the tears escaping your eyes.

You simply hoped that these meltdowns wouldn’t become a part of your or their routine ever.

Especially not when they took turns in gazing at you lovingly, adjusting their bodies so you’d be comfortable, and leaving tender kisses on the top of your head, learning that despite it all, they were the closest you’d ever have in terms of comfort ever again.

[felassan]

DA4 Lead Producer Scylla Costa’s BIG Festival talk, “Challenges of Dragon Age production during the pandemic”, can currently be rewatched on YouTube here starting roughly at timestamp 8:57:02 after a lil presenter blurb/intro. It’s 1 hour long. When it was streamed live, there was an English translation ‘voiceover’. There isn’t in this vid, however I want to post the link for Portuguese speakers, and also it’s neat for everyone to be able to see all the slides he presented with for themselves in context.

I don’t know if an English-language version will get put up so I’m sharing the notes I took during the talk below, in case anyone’s interested and because I might as well since I wrote them. The rest of this post is under a cut due to length.

Edit: Found a place to re-watch the English version of the talk

(Quick note: I didn’t note down everything, mostly things that caught my interest, so this isn’t exhaustive, and when I was watching I was real tired, so pls bear that in mind and don’t take these notes as bullet-proof 100% accurate gospel or direct quotes. If you watched it and think I’ve written down something wrong/misunderstood, let me know and I’ll fix. Also if you’re a Portuguese speaker and I’ve gotten something incorrect or missed something important etc, again just let me know.) **

** Edit: I’ve now gone through my notes while watching the talk again. I’ve filled in some of the gaps (although they still don’t cover everything said) and so forth, and now I’m no longer worried about there being possible errors in this post.

-----

For some context, this slide contained the breakdown of the talk’s structure. Bear in mind there are other slides present in the talk than the ones I’ve posted here, I didn’t include caps of all of them, just ones which were of note to me.

In the talk, chief Producer Scylla goes over challenges of DA4 production during the pandemic. He discusses the adaptations - necessary skills and learning from remote work - and he ponders on the future of teamwork.

After the launch of ME3 he became a producer, all his MMO and other experience helped a lot. He was on DAI for 3 years and MEA for 9 months, then Anthem. Today, on DA4, Scylla and another Lead Producer were the heads of the whole project, and there is his boss is the Executive Producer Christian Dailey. 

^ the usual AAA game development cycle (brief introduction)

AAA games are games that are launched for several platforms simultaneously. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase of the game development cycle can have from 5 - 30 people, and up to almost 60 people when they’re just about to go through the gate to production. 

In the pre-production phase, they go through the game’s concepts and prototypes and start developing systems. They seek the game’s concept and focus, and its key features. They do lots of market research. In the case of BioWare, all their games are strong in narrative, so they have lots of tools related to game narratives and supporting the development of a narrative (cinematic design, dialogue system etc) that get focused on in this phase. Other parts of the team such as writers and cinematic design need these systems to do their own roles. 

In BioWare’s case, the pre-production phase through to launch can take 4 - 6 years, but it does depend on the size of the team during development.

With regards to Dragon Age 4, they were coming close to the time when they would shift from pre-production to the production stage when the pandemic hit.

During the production phase is when the development of content and features takes place, with the systems mostly already existing from the pre-production phase. A few new systems may be developed in this phase. In the production phase is when things start escalating, and the team really starts growing, to like 2- or 3-fold the prior pre-production phase size. 

(DA4 is currently in the production phase.)

In the alpha phase, features have to be fully implemented and systems all have to be running / working. All the game features should already be in the game by now. They test from pre-production onwards, but this phase is when they run heavy technical tests with lots of players trying to play at the same time. In the beta phase, the idea is that you should now have full content and that now you’re balancing it and running more and lots of different tests with players before launch. There are final tweaks and then the final launch, when in the weeks prior to launch, all the different business units and areas e.g. marketing team, technology team, publishing team, get together once a day and all of the game’s issues are reported and brought to the table to be prioritized. Then they decide the next steps re: these issues (this is known as ‘the war room’).

After the launch there are usually patches like day zero patches and other patches, this being standard industry practise. The last stage is the new content stage where there are DLCs and a game with more content.

On March 12th 2020, the team gathered to review the DA4 story in the new office. Everyone was very excited. (They had spent over 10 years in their last building and had noticed that with the team growing they needed more space. In August 2019 they found the new studio in the city center.)

Anyway that evening, they got an email from the CEO which contained instructions and said that due to the pandemic, they should from now all start working remotely. They had known that this happening was a possibility so they had been planning on how to have all the devs working from home, but initially less than 50% of the devs were able to work from home successfully/efficiently due to various issues e.g. you need a VPN to be able to log in remotely to do your job normally, varying home office setups. The day after this, the office was basically deserted, except for Scylla, the IT infrastructure people and one or two odd devs.

Scylla was part of the team that was working on allowing the devs to work from home. They first started looking at the short-term changes they needed to make to allow this.

“First, take care of our developers”. 

When the pandemic first hit, their and Scylla’s [as Lead Producer] first priority was to look after the devs. Many of them are parents (schools and day-cares were shut, children were studying from home), others have relatives living with them, others have other personal circumstances which of course need to be taken into account when it comes to assessing what needs to be taken into consideration for this new scenario. So, they looked at each dev on a case-by-case basis in order to evaluate, speaking to each one and asking them what they could do to support them.

One of the first changes/adaptations they could implement was flexible working hours and flexibility around deadlines. Generally speaking the devs got a lot of support, EA was really good and really supported the devs especially in the first months of the pandemic (and they are still supporting them). Initially not all devs had suitable office spaces at home, some were working from the living room from laptops or at the kitchen table. The whole covid situation basically just happened over night and nobody was really ready to deal with that change. So their first step was to enable their devs to work remotely. As a producer, Scylla’s main task is to communicate with the team such as via a number of daily meetings. He doesn’t depend so much on powerful hardware.

“Enable developers to work remotely”.

This slide shows some of a BioWare audio team. Different teams have varying and specific needs in order to do their jobs and therefore in order to do them remotely. For example, the audio team need good-quality speakers and amplifiers, while the lighting and art teams need other specific equipment such as tablets and large screens. So there was a lot of work they had to do to go through each dev to understand their individual needs and what needed to be done for them. ‘Could they download the builds? Did they have the right performance [tech-wise]? Could they submit their changelists, their codes to the server?’

Some devs needed a more powerful internet connection as it would take 6-8 hours to download a build (some devs live rurally). Some needed a lot of cable, as they were working far away from their routers (sometimes up to 50m). As time went by things got better and better. 

The chair devs work from is also important; a kitchen able chair etc is not suitable to sit in for long-term desk work, possibly leading to health issues like back ache and blood circulation problems in the legs.

Every 3 months they had money given to help devs buy new mice, keyboards, monitors - anything they needed really in order for their office setting at home to be improved. For a while, because lots of people [generally, in society] were needing and buying them, it was quite hard to buy things like webcams and microphones.

On mid- and long-term changes:

In terms of DA, we have to look at this from 2 perspectives, the change in the personal and the professional environments. 

As a consequence of working from home, people tend to be less active during the day (even in an office, you go between meeting rooms, up and down stairs etc). Physical activity supports life quality and therefore work quality. Scylla noticed that he began to feel listless and such, and found that he needed to change his routine that he had initially developed when he started working from home, for example; having a normal start time (as in, have a semblance of structure in your day as if you were still working in the office site), get dressed at the normal time, not having meetings over lunch etc. This wasn’t just him, lots of other devs encountered this and had this experience too. Devs which adapted faster had better productivity and became more productive faster.

Scylla bought a stand-up desk which he can raise up and down, and at meetings he would be delivering a talk while standing or even while walking on a treadmill. Other devs also got stand-up desks. He tracked his body’s data on a Fitbit. These sorts of things helped improve physical and mental wellbeing. Other devs did similar things, like starting going out for jogs or began practising yoga. Essentially, everyone needed to make changes to their daily routine in comparison to what they had been doing prior to the pandemic. 

The pandemic has been a thing for over a year now. In their location, every couple of weeks a new restriction is put into place or a rule is changed, and every two weeks there’s a new thing that you can and can’t do. Scylla also started moving around his property. He worked on his desk, fixed it up and painted - taking up a new hobby. Other devs picked up new hobbies too. These are good ways to be active and also to be somewhere else, i.e. to break up the working day and not be spending it all in one home office-type location. Scylla found that when he made these sorts of changes to his routine to improve his lifestyle, the data output by his Fitbit as indicators of his health/wellbeing etc improved, e.g. number of steps taken in a day, heartbeats per minute while at rest. As stated many of the other devs went through a similar process.

On the professional side of things:

They had to improve remote delivery of builds. Accessing things from home as a dev requires a VPN. They need to download a build every day and then upload it to the server after making their changes to the game. They had to work with infrastructure and research other tech, such as streaming tech to allow remote console access, in order to better facilitate this process. For remote access, they also had to work on adapting communications channels.

“Adapting channels of communication.”

In this slide, the team are working on the storyboards. Before you can implement motion capture & performance capture, you have to ‘run the storyboards’ like this. These are small illustrating drawings which reflect the drafts and are meant to quickly reflect the intention of the scenes that are to be built. Before the pandemic, the team would go to meeting rooms like this, sit down, talk and interact in person. After the pandemic, the question became ‘How do you do this over Zoom?’ You can, but it’s not quite the same; it’s harder to see peoples’ expressions, some people are embarrassed speaking over Zoom etc. Therefore they had to adapt their communications systems, and unlearn the ways in which they developed before in order to relearn and learn new ways of communicating.

Slack was a tool that they adopted on this front. Communications channels can be confusing on Slack, so there was a need to develop structure. For example, how quickly should someone reply (as a recommended convention for the purposes of work)? They had to define the process/procedures for the channels so it was clear for the team as a whole how it would all flow (this is important especially if you have a team with say 30 people or as a whole hundreds of people). Before the pandemic, they had stand-up meetings where they’d go around in a circle every morning and talk about their activities - what they’re going to be working on, any roadblocks they had encountered etc. The question arose ‘How do you replace these?’ They ended up doing Slack messages at a certain time of day and updating their statuses with some details on what they’re working on and color-coding (green - fine, yellow - need help, red - busy/blocked out).

Another issue that they faced was unforeseen - the number of meetings that devs were having really shot through the roof. When there wasn’t a good structure of communications channels, any conversation would become a meeting. Everybody began scheduling meetings left and right, and at the end of the day they would have little time left in which to actually work on their to-do lists. Hence, they had to work with the team to really analyze and be very pragmatic. ‘Which meetings needed to happen? Which didn’t? Is a specific meeting really necessary? Which meetings should be recurring? What can be done over Slack?’ This guideline had to be given to the team to help, and it improved things a lot. The number of meetings decreased a lot and they got more effective. For example, by making sure to set an agenda for meetings beforehand, and by having meeting notes (then a dev who didn’t really need to be at a meeting could skip attending and just quickly review the notes output after instead). They also decreased the standard length of meeting times from the default Outlook blocks of 1 hour and 30 mins to 55 mins and 25 mins respectively. This 5 minute change gave devs time for things like bio breaks (also 4 hours in a row at a computer in a home office with one meeting after another just isn’t good for a person).

“Adapting p-cap and mocap”.

On content:

From a content point of view, the most difficult thing in terms of the pandemic was adapting p-cap and mocap (performance capture and motion capture). They hire actors and it’s a large studio. The pandemic meant big limits to what they could and couldn’t do. The actors had to be masked and 5 meters apart in distance (although it doesn’t look like it in some of these shots due to angles). Also there could be no other person around in the studio - only the actors. The directors instead would ‘patch’ in remotely on big screens (you can see this in the second photo in the top right). 

Before the pandemic, they felt that they wouldn’t be able to do p-cap or mocap properly remotely, as the directors would usually stand right next to actors giving guidance on their performance. The techs would also usually be near. But they adapted! The keyword is adapting, changing process. It’s harder and it’s different, but it is possible, and people start rethinking what is possible. What was said to be impossible before now is possible.

P-cap differs to mocap in that it also captures voice and facial expressions.

On the future of work after covid:

There will probably be more working from home and more flexibility for workers e.g. being able to work say 3 out of 5 days from home. It does depend on what a dev’s specific job is however. For example, the audio engineers require lots of specialist equipment and said equipment is of higher quality and quantity in the office. So, depending on role, devs might be working more often or less often from home.

Another development is that lots of devs are moving house. In lockdown etc people started reassessing what’s most important in life. Some are moving further away from the studio to get a cheaper rent or for example couples who both needed an office space to work from home from but their current place only had one area. Others are moving closer to nature for a better quality of life, and still others have other different reasons for doing so. Over 10 devs that he knows in fact have recently moved, including Scylla himself.

The pandemic changed certain skills being used by people on a daily basis. Scylla used as an example of this one of his soft skills, being able to tell from looking/interacting in-person with someone if they are stressed out. Obviously it’s less easy to tell if someone is stressed out when you’re remote, so you adapt different ways of checking in with people in the new situation. To continue carrying out his role as Lead Producer, he began checking in with his team pro-actively on the new comms channels and asking how they were doing.

Also, now that companies are more open to working remotely, there is going to be increased competition for hiring devs. They saw both sides of this coin at BioWare. They were able to hire devs from many places that they couldn’t hire from before e.g. Montreal, Vancouver, the US, as there’s less need for devs to relocate to Edmonton or Austin. This opens up opportunities to hire really intelligent and skilled people that they would not have had access to before.

Question and answer segment:

The pre-production phase has been concluded. They’re in the production phase.

They are not giving out a lot of details yet but Scylla is really excited as a big fan of the whole series. He thinks that with DA4, they will have the opportunity/possibility to launch the best story out of all DA games. He feels that the characters they’re making are amazing. He’s dying to say more but can’t. 

When you work from home you need to keep your team as productive as possible. During the pandemic, when people started working from home, they noticed that some people became more productive and some people became less productive. They were analyzing it on a case-by-case basis so as not to make assumptions. They were interested in seeing what they could do to help. At the beginning of the pandemic, they were looking at the devs as people and seeing what they needed.

Production of DA4 still needed to continue during the pandemic because they want to be able to launch the game.

This slide shows a writer. Writing is an example of a role which is more able to work from home easily.

Their productivity did go down in the first month of the pandemic. After adaptations, some people then became more productive than they were before (this was role and personal situation-dependent, examples of this being artists and coders who were able to art and code at home without being interrupted, thereby being able to produce more). Covid has affected productivity in general, but this is part of our new reality. They have adapted and adjusted some deadlines. They have enough data (Scylla LOVES data) now to understand how long it will take them/how long they’ll need to launch the game. They have always had historical data for this purpose, but they’re doing more of this sort of thing now to ensure that they are doing things at the right time.

Remote hiring opens up the door to more talent joining, so if someone has talent geography will hold them back less. Some companies though may choose not to hire people from other countries due to labor issues, cumbersome legal aspects, time zones. But even in such cases there are activities for example that can be carried out while the rest of the team is asleep such as testing or working on the build, or there are cases where those companies still will want to hire a specifically/highly talented person even in spite of the potential legal aspects and so on.

On mental health: People were affected. There is the mental, physical and social impacts of the pandemic situation on people. EA supported them during the pandemic in terms of their mental wellbeing, there are specific companies (services offered, speaking to a therapist) that they can contact if they need something or help. EA had always been good at supporting them with this sort of thing but this has improved further during the pandemic. Another change was that they could/can take a couple of days off if they needed/need to because of the pandemic e.g. to take care of children, who were obviously not at school at the time. As a producer he had to be very mindful of all of this. How much they were monitoring peoples’ wellbeing really went up during the pandemic.

A question that was asked - in terms of DA4′s storybeats, is there anything in there that they decided to change due to the pandemic as it wouldn’t be sensitive or appropriate to include anymore, for example a plague plotline or something? Scylla’s answer is that DA and ME are games in which they try to have narratives that are relatable, which include things which people will identify with, so that players understand what characters are going through etc. Nothing in DA4′s plotline/storybeats has been changed (in the frame of this question, relating to the pandemic), as it didn’t have anything in it that could be specifically or a directly connected to a pandemic-type situation or anything. Of course the DA story has Blights and the Taint, but these are different & fantastical things and existed long before the pandemic situation. So this wasn’t the case with DA4 and there was no need to change anything, but this has happened to other games where they decided to change a storyline due to a strong correlation with something in the real world.

There were then concluding/closing remarks. The message he wants to send is that a crisis will always spark opportunities. Look at a crisis and try to see how you can grow.

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[☕ found this post interesting or useful? my ko-fi is here if you feel inclined. thank you 🙏]

[losingitinjersey]

We’re struggling with establishing boundaries.  I know structure, routine and firm boundaries are important for kids but GOSH is it hard to implement and keep up.  I keep reminding myself that we’re both learning.  I’m learning how to be a parent and she’s testing me every which way and learning from how I respond.  

Yesterday, we went on a walk, as we’re now doing almost daily, and on these walks Erp starts off walking until she indicates she wants to get in the stroller.  This usually is about 10 minutes then I take over for the rest of the hour and a half.  Recently, in about the middle of the walk we take a detour to the playground so Erp can run around, though she usually just spends the time playing with the buckles on the stroller and her sister’s car seat.  

After yesterday’s playground time she didn’t seem interested in returning to the stroller so I let her walk thinking she’d just get tired in 10 minutes and I’d put her back in.  This time, she kept wanting to walk into the street and sit down.  It’s not a busy street by any means but I don’t want to encourage this behavior so every time she started going into the street I’d redirect her back to the sidewalk.  This would cause her to pull herself onto the ground and throw a mini tantrum.  Fine.  I’d pick her up and we’d start over.  This happened five or six times until three yard work trucks came to where we were and parked around us (we just happened to be occupying where they park, they weren’t aiming to be near us).  I then tried to put her in the stroller (which means removing the car seat to do so) and Erp wasn’t having it.  She screamed, cried, bucked her body and did everything in her power to not get in the seat (to which she was successful because I wasn’t about to force her).  All of this while we’re in the company of probably 5-8 yard workers now.  I’m doing my best to keep my cool, talking to her calmly trying to explain that I understand why she’s upset and why I’m asking her to get in the stroller, etc.  It’s not working and she is resisting me entirely.  After maybe 5 minutes of this (it feels like 30) I place the car seat back on the stroller, scoop Erp up under my arm and we walk down the block to a less occupied location.  

We try walking again and she keeps wanting to go into the street.  Several more tantrums later I’m finally able to get her into the stroller and she happily enjoys the rest of the walk while I’m reeling from the experience.  I end up walking us to the local Barnes & Nobles that has a Starbucks inside and treat myself to a keto iced shaken espresso.  Thankfully, the rest of the day went better.  

Today we went to the Toddler Story Time (versus last week’s Baby Story Time) and it was much more successful than last week! Probably because I brought snacks this time :) Oh, the power of snacks.  Other than walking around in the beginning (which led to her wanting to walk into the street again, wtf child) I was able to navigate her back to the mat where she sat on my lap and ate her snacks throughout.  She didn’t get up and move around or follow along with any of the gestures but she definitely seemed to enjoy herself.  Progress! 

Later in the day I started reaching out to other local daycares to get on wait lists since I doubt the one right around the corner from us will be calling us anytime soon given that we’re sixth on the list for placement.  I first made a virtual tour for Thursday with a school but then read the reviews online and they were awful so I cancelled that one.  Then I submitted a request to get information with a second one and scheduled an in-person tour at a third daycare for Friday.  Within 15 minutes of doing all of this I get an email back from school two saying they have one Toddler Room spot available if I’d like to schedule a tour.  (!!!!!) I respond within 30 seconds with an emphatic YES and we now have a tour scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.  

I’m now going through all of the emotions.  I KNOW Erp needs this. I know she’s not getting the socialization she needs nor is our home environment developmentally stimulating enough for her.  This is a good thing.  We want her to start interacting with her peers and learning and growing.  I know that I’ll benefit from not feeling the guilt of keeping her entertained plus the time back to myself is something I’m not familiar with but I could sure use.  I’m hopeful I like the school, that the spot is still available and she’s a good fit, that we can afford it (have no idea what the cost is yet), and that this is a good move for us all.  Selfishly, I’m going to miss the fuck out of being with her all day every day and don’t know how I’m going to handle that.  Let’s not get into the fact that we’re navigating all of the above knowing there is rampant RSV going around and, oh yeah, a global pandemic to which there is no vaccine for kids yet. 

Parenting is hard, yo. 

[greensydney]

Wellness Segments from The Friend Zone Podcast

This is where I’ll be listing Fran’s Wellness Segments. It will be updated regularly. Any specific products/stores mentioned will be linked :)

Ep. 1: It’s Ok to Log Off  

Being the first episode, Fran starts us off easy with a loving suggestion to take a social media break. At the time of this recording, “Twitterless Assante” was reaping the benefits of taking mindless twitter scrolling out of his life for some time.

Ep. 2: Family Matters  

This is where we start digging in and doing the work. Here, Fran asks us to look within to resolve family disputes that have gone unchecked. Have the talks that you have been avoiding, even if it feels uncomfortable. Remember to come from a place of compassion when approaching loved ones, and to not take anything personally. Which is a theme throughout many of the early episodes, as it’s the 2nd agreement in The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, one of the many books Fran has suggested.

Ep. 3: Take 5  

Work on building and maintaining a healthy morning routine. This helps set the tone of the day. By leaving our phone out of this part of the day, we can avoid things like waking up to a long, angry text or some other drama  and letting that guide how the rest of day goes. Basically, set the tone of your day before taking in information from anyone else. 

Ep. 4: Surrender 

Meditate, meditate, meditate. 

Osho books are great for learning more about quieting the mind, as recommended by Fran. Sadhguru is another great teacher who I look to for insight on meditation, mindfulness, parenting, and just life in general. He has a channel on YouTube with tons of videos. Fran also recommends trying Mala beads to assist with meditation, or maybe journaling afterwards. She really just stresses the importance of beginning a meditation practice, without fear of doing it “right” or “wrong”.

Ep. 5: Even Martha Went to Jail  

No clear-cut Wellness Segment for this week, but the main gist of things was: create what you want, what feels good for you. Critics will appear for everyone, no matter how great they are, so do you. Don’t keep yourself from creating things because of fear of how others will receive it.

Ep. 6: Tacos & Quickweave 

In your journal, dissect the relationship you are in. Asking questions like, “Why are you with this person? Who are you *really* doing this relationship for?”   For singles, ask questions like, “What am I *really* looking for, in a person? How do I want to feel when I’m with them? How do I want to show up in their lives? How do I want them to show up in my life?” For those resistant to relationships, ask yourself why and really work through it to get those answers that you seek. ~meditate, meditate, meditate ~

Ep. 7: The Choir & The Competition Are Out 

Parents: Sit with our children and start asking them questions about their interests. Fran shares how she was impacted by her mom not being more encouraging about her becoming a singer, so she wants us to know how important it is to truly listen when our kids ask to pursue new things, even if it isn’t exactly what we pictured for them. 

For everyone, even those who don’t have children or maybe they aren’t quite at the age to start discussing these things: we were all a child at some point. Many people can benefit from asking ourselves if the profession we are in is for you, or if you were just trying to please our own parents. It’s never too late to begin learning more about anything that excites you.

Ep. 8: Fitness Regine Hunter  

(I’m pretty sure they purposely didn’t spell it “regime” because of the difficulty for many in pronouncing the word. lmao)

In this episode, Fran speaks on the importance of holistic health and wellbeing, sharing how much it has shaped who she is and improved her life. She wants us to really sit with ourselves and think about the things we want to work on. Ask, “What can I do to ensure that I’m being the most beautiful *me* possible?” From skin and hair care, to diet, to fitness, to the way we talk to ourselves or others. All the little things that make up holistic living. No quick fixes! We’re here to werrrrrrk, hunty. 

“Forget the internet for a second. Forget what the Instagram models look like, we’re talking about YOU...” - Fran the MF Goat.  

Implement a fitness regime that works for you. Maybe it’s part of your morning routine, maybe it’s an after dinner thing; everyone gets to choose what is best for them and that’s part of the beauty of this life. :) Try a few things and see what works. There is an emphasis on the importance of starting slow, allowing your mind and body to get used to new activity. Fran started off with walking, increasing her distance over time, and then turned that into jogging when it felt right for her. Blogilates and Yoga With Adriene are YouTube channels she mentions here. I have been hooked to yoga ever since trying a few videos from  Adriene. Yoga by Biola is another great channel to check out. Biola has this video, “Restorative Yoga for Collective Trauma”, which I love. I learned of her from The Friend Zone earlier in 2020. 

Skin and Hair: Check out Frans YouTube channel to see all the informative videos she has on all-natural beauty and health tips. Personally, I really like Naptural85 for hair videos as my curl pattern is very similar to hers. Click around on suggested videos to find the ones that speak to you. 

Ep. 9: Don’t Forget the Feet  

OIL UP! From head-to-toe. Get that moisture. Especially in these colder months. Hands, feet, nails, toenails...literally everywhere. Dustin cannot get over the importance of the feet. Fran says this aztec healing clay is great for dry, cracked feet, and she hinted at its ability to fix some facial skin woes as well. Extra Fran tip: put a small amount of oil on your nail beds before painting them. This protects the skin and promotes nail growth. I tried this myself and it’s a game changer in my nail health! They used to get cracks in them once they start getting to a certain length, but if i keep them oiled up, they are smooth as precious little stones. :) 

Ep. 10: A$AP Shirley Caesar  

This episode reminds us that finances, too, can impact our total feeling of well-being. The Friends all want us to get our finances in order, taking the tiniest of baby steps, if needed. Fran’s 3 things to cut back on: 

Eating Out

Online Shopping

Places like Target, where you go for 1 thing and leave with a full cart.

Making these sacrifices adds up. The goal is that eventually, any big things that are weighing on our mental due to finances can more easily be dealt with.

Ep. 11: And I’m Telling You, I’m NOT Going!

It’s all about skin-care in this wellness segment! Starting with what goes into your body, and ending with what goes on your body. First off: DRINK LOTS OF WATER! This not only promotes healthy skin but as we all know, it’s just good for the body in general. The body runs nice and smoothly when it’s hydrated from the inside-out. 

If you need to cut down on your caffeine intake (I’m right there with ya), Fran suggested Yerba Mate. It’s a natural source of caffeine and much cleaner than what comes in other energy drinks. I must say, I feel like the naturally occurring caffeine just hits different. I was hyyype the first few times I got a Yerba Mate instead of my usual orange Red Bull! Energy drink isn’t the only form to get your Yerba fix, thankfully. It’s sold as a loose leaf tea, or in bagged tea as well. I LOVE coffee though, and I am not giving that up so easy. I find that bringing mindfulness to my habits with it, helps me to not consume too much.

Now, for the outside of the body: washing and moisturizing daily is imperative. This may be obvious to some, but it can also feel difficult for those with a really busy schedule. I know for me, as a mom, there has been many times when I only had one chance to take a shower on a given day, and if I didn’t take it, I was always sorry. Or I would take a rushed, half-effort shower and get dressed immediately after without oil, lotion, anything. Having a routine in place for daily washing and moisturizing (that works with my sporadic life) helps me make sure it won’t get missed. Again, as with episode 9, OIL UP! Coconut oil is a great choice, but my skin just drinks it up like water. Sesame oil is a nice alternative because it’s a bit thicker. It was hard for me to get used to smelling like a huge sesame seed though, not gonna lie. But there are so many different oils and butters out there to love our bodies with, just use some trial and error to find which one(s) work best for you.

Last thing: Bedding. Change it at least once a week. Get on the silk pillowcase train! Or if you real fancy, like Fran, get you a full-on silk sheet set. Cotton sheets soak up all the moisture from our skin that we work so hard and lovingly on.

Ep. 12: The Shut Down Mixtape

House cleaning time! Clean your fridge, clean your closets, clean your desk drawers. Clean everything! Trying to especially bring focus to areas that are often overlooked in your regular daily cleaning. By doing this, we clear out old energy, removing heaviness from our homes that we may not even realize is there. I personally can vouch that this helps with anxiety and even lifts my depression symptoms as well. It feels good when the space I live in looks and smells nice, so taking the effort is more than worthwhile.

Ep. 13: Oh God…

Get in touch with what religion/spirituality mean to YOU. This one was hard for me because I wasn’t raised with much knowledge of (or respect for, sadly) religion. As I grew, I became super interested in the various religions and how they affect the lives of others - good or bad. I’ve now learned to adapt my own spiritual practices that support me and help me get by. And this is life changing.

Ep. 14: Say It Like You Mean It

Here, we are instructed to find out what our individual love language is. This comes from the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 Love Languages are: 

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

You may already have an idea of what your primary love language is, but you can get some more information on that by reading the book or by taking quizzes on the book’s website. Knowing your love language, as a single, can help you define what you need from a partner. As someone in a relationship, it can help both partners learn how to best make sure everyone knows they are loved and valued. 

Ep. 15: Yo Mama

Scalp Care for Winter Weather!

½ Cup Olive Oil ~ Seals in moisture

2 Tbsp. Honey (Fran uses Raw honey) ~ Creates pretty shine

½ Cup Coconut Milk ~ Adds protein

½ an Avocado ~ Healthy fat

½ a Banana ~ Softens hair

Blend all ingredients into a creamy conditioner, which should come out a nice light greenish color. 

I keep forgetting coconut milk at the store or else I’d have been tried this one, smh *face palm* But I will edit to add my review after I finally do this. :) 

Ep. 16: Non Profit & Chill

This episode had no segments, but we can still gain a wellness tip from it. Recorded right after Fran returned from a trip to Africa, she had a ton of insight to share on why it’s so important to be an ethical consumer. This episode was a great one to re-listen to as it reminded me that I am reading labels and the “about” pages on brand’s websites for a valid reason that is important to me, not just following trends. Dang imposter syndrome, always trying to step in and ruin everything (shoutout to the Friend Zone for teaching me about that as well, in a later episode.)

Fair Trade Errything !!!

Ep. 17: There’s A Song For That

No wellness segment this week, per say, but again I’ll summarize the episode to make it wellness for us all. The friends basically dode over their favorite break-up songs, from the deepest of soul, to the pettiest of rap songs. Many genres listed, and many bangers. This episode is a great listen for those going through a breakup, or even if you’re a big fan of the episodes where the Friends just let loose and have fun.

Ep. 18: Don’t You Go To Work?

Inspired by Assante and his newly purchased stones, which he is carrying safely in his pocket, Fran suggested that us listeners get in on the magic as well by getting our own stones. Starting with Citrine. This stone is a light orange color, and can be found online or in local crystal stores in most cities. Often referred to as “the merchants stone”, Citrine is believed to attract success. Fran offered the idea of laying it on some money, because she did it and got a random check in the mail soon after...And I kid you not - I did it, and the saaame thing happened to me. I was shook and beyond grateful!

Other stones mentioned here are Lapis Lazuli and Black Tourmaline. Lapis is a pretty, royal blue shade, usually with gold flakes in it. Lapis is known as the “communication stone”. Black Tourmaline is, you guessed it, black, and often found in shiny pieces. Fran says she keeps one of these by her bedside to absorb negative thoughts; letting it cleanse her energy before bed.

Stores mentioned on this episode: Rock Star, and Namaste shop. Both New York based but have online shopping available. Personally, and this is gonna sound real woo-woo, but I prefer picking out stones in person because then I can actually feed off of their energy to pick the right one for me. Those living in a small town, there is probably a crystal shop not too far away.

Ep. 19: The Friend Zone & The Read Mash Up Pt. 1

Wellness this week: be messy and silly with your friends. For me, I don’t currently have any real life friends to hang out with, plus COVID, so my family gets to enjoy all my silly mess. Life just cannot be lived being serious 100% of the time!

Ep. 20: 2015, I’ma Let You Finish, But 2016…

I loved this episode because it brings us back to our journals. Fran asks the guys and us listeners to reflect on two simple, but powerful questions to answer at the end of each year:

What are 3 things you discovered about yourself this year that you love? Things that you feel will propel you into the next year, as a person, career-wise, and as a whole. Write freely about how you plan on maintaining and evolving.

What are 3 things you discovered about yourself this year that you did not like? Maybe some of these things are hard to face. Reflect on how you’ve allowed them to hold you back and what you are doing to adjust them.

[sarcastic-bubble]

15 and 7 from the kiss prompts and 33 from random. Maybe modern!AU where either Anakin or the reader come home to the other struggling with Luke and Leia. Just loads of family fluff and then it ends with the kids in bed and reader and Anakin are just exhausted. Thank you!

Prompts: Exhausted parents kiss, Routine Kisses, and “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

A/N: excuse me while I go obsess over this adorable little family and how great of a father Anakin could have been. 

The moment you set Luke down he escaped up the stairs. You only hoped that he managed to stay out of trouble long enough for you to clean up his sister. “Your turn sweetie.” You bent down and hooked your arms under Leia’s. Being only three years old she wasn’t hard to lift; in one smooth movement, you had her sitting on the edge of the sink.

Picking up a damp cloth you gently wiped her face removing a thin layer of flour. As you rinsed off the cloth you heard the front door open and close. Anakin was finally home. He came up behind you and as an automatic response, you turned just enough for him to kiss you quickly. These quick kisses were as much a part of your daily routine as brushing your teeth that they had become a mindless action.

“Ewwww!” the little girl in front of you squeaked. Anakin’s hand lovingly ruffled her hair in response sending loose flour into the air

You put the cloth down,” how was work?”

Your husband shrugged, “the usual I suppose. The board of directors isn't happy with me at the moment.”

“So the usual then.”

A low chuckle escapes him, “yeah. How were the kids?”

You groan and an exhausted smile curls on your lips. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” You turn to Leia; she was happily brushing the flour off her body and onto the floor. It was cute she was trying to help but sometimes you really wished she wouldn't. “Leia, would you like to tell daddy what you and Luke did while he was work?”

She nodded excitedly; shaking even more flour into the air. “We uh… we coloured! And then we um watched cartoons! Then Luke pulled my braid.”

You nodded in agreement, so far that sounded pretty accurate, “what else sweetie? I’m pretty sure you played more after your brother pulled your hair.”

“Right!” She agreed, “then mommy got distracted by a book. The kind with no pictures.” She made a sort of disgusted face at that. “So uh we made snow angels!”

You couldn’t miss the grin the spread across Anakin’s face as his daughter spoke. “But since there’s no snow outside what did you use?” you prompted the young girl.

“Flour!” her grin was just as big as her dad’s and when Anakin start laughing you were ready to slap him.

You had been trying to clean up the result of those snow angels for the last hour and didn’t find it very funny. You gently smacked his arm in protest, “Don’t laugh at my misery.”

“I’m sorry,” he replied with a hand to his mouth in an attempt to hold back his laughter. Once he composed himself, he glanced around the main floor of your home. “Where’s Luke?”

You wiped quickly at Leia’s legs, “upstairs. Hopefully playing with his toys.”

As if on cue a loud crash echoed through the house. “Fuck!” shouted a voice that could only be Luke. The swear word sounded quite funny in his high-pitched voice but you didn’t have time to laugh at it. Anakin looked at you with one brow cocked and an amused smirk.

“What? I didn’t teach him that,” you said in defence. You turned your head to face the stairs and shouted, “Luke, sweetie, what was that?”

You knew the silence was him deciding whether or not to tell you the truth. “The lamp,” he finally shouted back.

“Fuck,” you swore under your breath. Luke definitely learned that word from you. You locked eyes with Anakin and were only further frustrated by his amused smile. “Well, welcome back.” You picked Leia up and thrust her small body into Anakin’s chest. “Now fucking help me. ”

He took the girl and lovinly held her against his chest. “How about I help clean you up, does that sound okay princess?” He grinned at Leia and she was quick to respond with a nod.

As you watched Anakin carry her up the stairs you couldn’t help but appreciate the sight. These kids drove you crazy in the best of days, but you wouldn’t trade the little family you and Anakin had built for anything.

With cleaning supplies in hand you walked up the stairs. In the bathroom, Anakin sat on the floor and played with the twins as they bathed. You turned your attention to the broken lamp in your room. You had been smart enough not to decorate the twins’ rooms with anything breakable but hadn’t felt the need to toddler-proof your own room. You definitely regretted that now. You swept up the bigger shards of what had once been a lovely ceramic lamp and then carefully vacuumed the room. The last thing you wanted was to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and impale your foot on a piece of the lamp.

Once you were satisfied you hauled the vacuum down the stairs and returned it to a small closet filled with various cleaning implements. You turned around and Anakin was there; he had always been good at sneaking up on you.

His hands settled on your waist and he smiled sweetly, “the kids are in bed.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. “They always listen to you better.” you yawned. Now that you had stopped moving the exhaustion was really starting to sink in.

The laugh that escaped his lips was barely audible but in the newfound peace, you were able to hear it. You leaned forward and Anakin met you in a gentle and lazy kiss. He pulled away slowly and rested his forehead against yours. “We should get to bed,” he mumbled.

“Just one second.” You slipped away from him and opened a cabinet.

“What are doing?” he asked one a single eyebrow quirked.

You pulled out a glass bottle and two wine glasses and held them up for him to see before replying. “We’re going to get wine drunk in bed tonight.”

He approached you and grabbed one of the glasses putting it back where it came from; laughing to himself the whole time. “I’ve got work tomorrow.”

You shrugged and walked up the stairs Anakin close behind you. “Well, then I’m going to get wine drunk while you lovingly hold me.”

Anakin wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve you, but gods did he love you. “I can’t say no to that.” Upon reaching your room you both undressed and got into your sleepwear. When you climbed into bed you settled in his lap and rested your back against his bare chest. His arms were quick to encircle you and his chin found a home on your head. “I love you,” he whispered.

As you sipped at the drink in your hand you leaned further into his chest and his arms tightened in response. “I love you too,” you sleepily mumbled back.

About four drinks later you were flushed, giggling, and very tired. Anakin took the glass from your hand and placed in on the bedside table. “Time for you to go to sleep,” he said pulling you down into a laying position with him.

“As long as I get to sleep with you.” You craned your neck so you could place an affectionate kiss at the tip of his nose.

You felt his silent laugh vibrated through his chest, “goodnight (Y/N).”

You draped an arm over his torso and rested your head on his chest. “Goodnight Ani.” 

[pundergrad]

okay people let's heckin GOOOOOO

Today's session was rather chill, I had a chance to really reinforce the fact that I'm easily distracted in my everyday life (not just when studying) and the Dr did their best to suggest aids to overcome it. They also discussed medication as an option, but mostly with warning for potential side effects like suppressed appetite, and suggested that exercise and going out in nature could help (even though I exercise at home daily, which does elevate my mood and ease any antsy-ness that develops if I'm trying to study for hours on end). I get the feeling they got these results from a Google Search when trying to think of things to talk about this session.

However it's clear to me that the Dr doesn't know how to talk to people with adhd. They insisted that I am 'high-functioning, at least intellectually' despite knowing that all other aspects of my life suffer to keep my grades up. They spent a good chunk of the session coming up with aids like:

Sticky-note reminders, which I have tried in the past but realised they just become visual clutter/blend into my study space and don't actually help me to get tasks done a.s.a.p., but they do make me feel guilty whenever I happen to notice them without working up the energy to complete the tasks.

Electronic calendars, to keep appointments and deadlines and to remind me of them frequently. Just listening to the Dr explain them (and saying the word 'notifications' over and over) had me feeling anxious. Being regularly reminded to do things I probably won't have the energy to do? Hello?? Guilt and shame central. I currently schedule such things in my (physical) weekly planner, but I don't schedule things like study or exercise because having flexibility around my self-initiated tasks prevents the shame of not being able to stick to a strict schedule. Instead I write down the things I've done at the end of the day (including leisure activities) to remind me that I haven't wasted time if I've kept myself happy.

Making physical to-do lists for small tasks. I cannot imagine that helping me, because most of these tasks appear spontaneously and get piled on in a random order, and needing to add to a physical list each time such a task appears would be even more distracting.

Getting into a routine. This the the one thing I've been able to implement in my daily life, in some way. Being able to carry out tasks inside that routine makes me feel good, because I can use those tasks to sort of wind up for the afternoon, and again to wind down in the evening. Physical chores are grounding in that way.

Anyway, I'll be going back to the GP with a summary letter from the psych Dr, and hopefully the GP will actually listen to my concerns this time now that I have professional support for my attention issues.

Wish me luck.

[immpeccablystudious]

6 Important Tips to Make Distance Learning Easier

Let me preface by saying, this post will not have the answers to any of your classes to make them easier. Distance learning and, online classes in general, are what you make of them and what you put into them. I have taken online classes for many semesters and while they were never my favorite option (especially for language classes (looking at you, French 101)), I did notice that the more time and effort that I put into those classes, the more I enjoyed and did better in them.

With the added pandemic, this is going to be harder than others, but I’m hoping that my advice from my own experiences will help you for this upcoming semester/school year!

1. Designate your study area

It seems self explanatory and that everyone is saying this and that would be because it is and they are! Having a space that is solely dedicated to work/school/studying is SO important. Whether this is in the corner of your bedroom, a room no one uses within your home, or a lap desk in your living room, make sure that you are using this space only for working. My best advice to go along with that is, if you have the means to, try to revamp your work space to be more inviting and comfortable. I don’t want you to sit in a hard, uncomfy chair for hours on end looking at a blank wall and I’m sure you don’t either. Make your study space a place that you want to be! Swap that old computer desk chair that you’ve had for 8 years for a cute, comfy one instead (this is directed 100% towards me). Add some shelving for cute plants and knickknacks. Add awards or accomplishments to help you keep pushing. If possible, add a cute wallpaper! Anything to spice up the space that you are going to be spending A LOT of time in!

2. DO NOT DO WORK IN YOUR BED

Don’t do it. I spent all that time talking about designating a study area for a reason. Sitting in your bed to do work might seem like a good idea, but in reality, all it’s going to do is make you more tired, frustrated, and less likely to actually do/remember any of the work you try to do. Your bed is made for sleeping, so keep it that way! My space is very small this academic year and it’s very tempting sometimes to leave my desk, walk the 3 feet to my bed and lie there. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Just don’t bring your work with you. Leave it where it needs to be. You want to make sure that your brain isn’t associating your bed with work which could create not so pleasant sleeping habits that keep you from relaxing when you really need to. My advice? Once you get up, stay up*. I’ve found that I’m less likely to get back in bed if I straighten my bed once I get out of it. I’ll head to the living room and watch tv or sit in the dining room and watch YouTube while drinking my coffee/eating breakfast and there’s not as much of a desire to get back in bed after that.

*Disclaimer: Naps are important. Rest is important. This is not me saying do not rest/take naps when needed. Please rest your body it’s very important!

3. Start setting things up early...like now

This includes but is not limited to: your sleep pattern, school supplies, school schedule, finances, work opportunities, etc. As an Enneagram 1w2, Capricorn moon and rising, and INFJ (and generally just a type A person), I’ve been getting ready for the semester since June. Not because I necessarily wanted to, but because over the course of the few months from leaving my community college to my new 4-year, there’s been a lot of overlapping of responsibilities that has lead me to finish with a lot of housekeeping duties early. I’m now in a 3 week limbo, where there really isn’t a lot for me to do other than to wait for professors to start posting their courses on Blackboard. But, starting early has made all the difference. I started with my sleep schedule based on my class schedule. On Mondays and Wednesdays, my first class starts at 9:35am (specific, right?) meaning that if I want to have a slow and productive morning to wake up and be ready for class, I need to naturally start waking up earlier. This is my first weekend since starting my sleep change and I have successfully done it! One thing that I wasn’t really expecting to change as much as it has been is my school supplies list. I love using pen and paper for notes - it helps me think about the subject and helps to remember what I’m learning. But with online learning, I’ve had a sudden urge to try online notes. There have been times before where I would supplement my paper ones for online but it wasn’t often and it wouldn’t last very long. My main hesitation - staring at a computer screen for SO long. Using pen and paper breaks up the amount of time I’m staring at the screen (especially if I get digital copies of my textbooks). It’s the little things, ya know?

4. Let everybody know your schedule

If you’re going to be on a Zoom session at 8am, it’s important to let your parents/guardians/siblings/relatives/friends know so that nobody walks out of their room in their puppy pajamas for the whole class to see. Embarrassing story example: I was on a Zoom meeting for an student org and my brother walked out of his room without a shirt on. I didn’t realize anyone could see him until it was too late and I could see some of the advisors chuckle. Yeah, that was not fun. There have also been times when, over the summer while working, my family would be having loud conversations in the background and I wouldn’t be able to turn my microphone off. Making sure that everyone knows the times when to be quieter is important because you want to get the most out of your classes without the distraction. I would start off with just going over your schedule, when there are times to be a little louder and when things should be a little quieter.

5. Start implementing healthy habits

This goes back to #3, sort of. I wanted this to be separate for multiple reasons. I have struggled with healthy habits for so long but one of the things that helped is setting a routine. When I get into my routine, I feel the difference when I fall off and it doesn’t feel good. For someone that has dealt with iron/vitamin deficiency, taking supplements and vitamins has been my saving grace. I used CareOf vitamins for about a year and LOVED IT. Before the semester starts I do a big grocery shop that involves getting healthy foods to cook with, not so healthy snacks to have for those late night cravings, frozen meals for a quick lunch between classes, work, and homework, and little extras - skin care, body care, etc. I love Trader Joe’s for this because it is surprisingly affordable! If you have one in your area and have never been, PLEASE take some time to stop by soon! It’s my favorite place to be.

6. Planning, planning, planning!

All of my planners are probably already very skilled on this, so for those who want to get started, this is for you! I know that the aesthetic of bullet journals and planners is cute and fun to play around with but if it doesn’t work with you, not only are wasting your money, but you’re wasting your time! One source that I feel like works universally is Google Calendar. You can customize it to use it the best way FOR YOU. Just need a reminder 15 minutes before class? You got it! Need a more detailed schedule to plan out every second of your day? You got it! Need a place to put your to-do list? You got it! Want to see a daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly view? You. Got. It! Google calendar has so many bells and whistles to give you the most power and customization possible! I don’t know a single person that has used it and hasn’t loved it.

I hope that this helped at least a little bit as you all start your academic year. Of course, there are plenty of more ideas, tips, and tricks to getting off to a good but I hope these help where they can!

[islamicrays]

I read this sentence once and it cracked me up: "Trying to clean the house with kids around is like trying to brush your teeth while eating an Oreo."

Is it possible to have small kids and a clean house at the same time?

Yes.

It can be hard initially, but it's totally possible.

I'll admit it: I'm a tiny bit OCD and really need my house to be organized and clean. Otherwise my brain can't function.

Obviously my house is not always immaculate, but if things reach a certain threshold of messiness, the visual clutter starts to get to me. When things are messy or dirty or cluttered, it gets in the way of my productivity and sanity, and I NEED to clean stuff up before I can do other things. I can't deal with sticky surfaces or crumbs all over the floor or toys in every corner of the house or dishes piled up in the sink for too long--but obviously, I have babies and toddlers and young kids, which is typically kind of like having 4 tornadoes in your house!

But over the years, I've realized that it's not impossible to have both: little kids and a clean home. You can do it. It's just a question of how.

My strategy includes 2 parts:

1. Teaching habits of cleanliness and tidiness (phase one: 2-4 years old)

2. Assigning set daily chores (phase 2: ages 4 and up)

Part 1: Building Habits of Cleanliness

I try to instill in my kids the importance of being clean and neat when they are still very young. As young as 2 or 3 years old, a child can begin to understand that something is dirty, that a space is littered with toys, or that there is a spill and the floor is sticky.

We have a mantra in our house that all the kids (except the baby, who's 1.5) know by heart: "If you make it dirty, you have to clean it."

I try to set the expectation that nobody will clean up after anybody else. You clean up after yourself. You make a mess, you clean it. You spill your milk, you mop it up. You use crayons, you put them away.

Mama won't clean up your mess because Mama didn't make your mess. Mama won't pick up your toys, because Mama didn't play with your toys or scatter them everywhere.

I got this idea from my dad, who used this method with us when we were kids. I remember one day, my sisters and I used our pencils to draw on the wall of our hallway as little kids. I remember my dad's reaction very well: instead of getting angry at us or yelling about the wall we'd scribbled all over, he calmly told us that since we had drawn on the wall, we would clean it. He showed us how to take an eraser and erase the lines we'd made in pencil. Thankfully, it didn't take that long between the 3 of us, but I still remember the lesson. You clean up your own messes.

When my kids are in the age rage of 2 or 3 years old, I start requiring them (based on their readiness and capacity) to "clean up" little messes they've made. We start small. If a toddler was playing with toys with a lot of pieces, when he's done, I'll gently take him back to the toy-littered area and ask him to pick up the toys and put them back into their respective baskets. The first time he picks up, he might not get every toy that's on the floor, and he might haphazardly put them in random places in the general vicinity of the toy baskets. That's good enough at first. I praise him and give him a high five, commenting on what a good job he's done. The idea is to build long-term habits, starting with baby steps.

Everything has a home, a place where it goes, and I show the kids exactly where that is for things that they are responsible for. For example, the toys have a specific place they belong in when they are not being played with, the clothes have a specific place (hung up in the kids' closet or folded in their drawers) when they are not being used. Whatever system you want to use, make sure it's simple enough and intuitive enough for your kids to understand and follow it inshaAllah. Toys and clothes should be within reach if you expect your kids to put them away.

In general, I try to teach my kids to be careful when they have sticky hands (like after a meal) or as they're coming back home from a romp in the mud, not to get the whole house dirty as they walk to the bathroom to wash their hands. This is an ongoing lesson--not something they've mastered. But the whole idea is just to train them, which means that it's a long process that will take time.

Part 2: Chores

Once my kids are a bit older, probably around 4 years old or so, I start assigning them more set daily chores.

What we do currently is that every morning, we have a specific routine that we rarely deviate from. After breakfast, we start chores.

My 4-year-old picks up the den (toys, books, etc) because the next thing on the schedule is Homeschool, and we have our Quran class in the den. Picking up toys minimizes distractions (most days!).

My 5-year-old clears the table of breakfast items, and wipes down the table and chairs.

My 7-year-old sweeps the floor under the breakfast table.

These are the main daily chores, to be done in the morning. Other chores include:

*Before we leave the house to go on an outing for the day, the kids must pick up the toys (we do a few different toy pick-ups throughout the day in order to maintain the chaos).

*After each meal, each child must take his own plate and cup from the table to the kitchen near the sink.

*When I do laundry, each child must put away his own clothes in the kids' closet (the older kids are more capable of this than my younger ones).

My focus on right now is not that they do their chores perfectly or meticulously, but rather that they do them regularly and as well as they can.

When we first implemented the chore system, it was super hard. The kids thought it was play time, and would play around instead of actually clean up (especially my oldest with the broom, and his brother with the cleaning cloth!). I would find that most days, I'd have to go back and re-do the work they did myself, because the areas they'd "cleaned" were not really clean. It was frustrating and seemed like just a waste of my time, and with 4 kids, I have no time to waste.

But slowly, over time, kids are able to learn and improve their concentration and the capability to effectively carry out a task.

My husband suggested a reward system for chores well done, so some days, I'll announce that whoever does his chore well will be rewarded with some chocolate chips. Works like a charm.

Finally: are there any benefits to kids doing household chores?

YES. TONS!

Via Umm Khalid

[angelicamaeariass]

October 24, 2020

1. What, and who, is worth suffering for?

I honestly think I am putting myself through the suffering for me to have a positive perspective on things. I am doing everything I can for me to become the person I want to be. If I don’t go through all of this suffering, I would be stuck doing nothing. 

2. What would you stand for if you knew that nobody would judge you?

I want to stand for the things that I love doing, even though it seems weird. I’ve been judged for who I am and the things that I love doing. But then sometimes I’m insecure about who I am and so I edit and hide myself whenever I’m around people. I’ve learned to stay true to myself and to love myself for who I am. It really does suck that I’ve always had to hide myself, but then I’ve learned that I deserve to be surrounded by people who truly appreciate me for who I am and to let go of people who don’t. 

3. Based on your daily routines, where will you be in a few years? Ten? Twenty?

I don’t have a daily routine but I feel like for me change my life, having a routine is essential. I’ve been working out 4x a week and it really has changed the way I look, I’m making it as a habit I’ve haven’t done before. It’s so important to implement more good habits into your life. 

4. Whom do you admire most, and why?

I really admire two of my closest friends, I’m not going to write names but there are two people in my life that are so passionate about life. They are just focusing on school and work, they're hobbies, friends, family. I really admire that. 

5. What do you not want anybody else to know about you?

I don’t want to talk about my past, as much as it was so traumatizing to me. Something traumatic has happened to me in March and May of this year. The only person I’ve ever told about my traumatizing past is my best friend Vee. I never talk about it, but it hurts to think about it. I never deserved to experience something traumatizing as that in my life. This year was definitely hard. 

6. What are a few things you thought you would never go over while you were going through them?

I remember my first love lol. I first got my heartbroken by a guy I was like obsessed with. Until after we graduated high school, he was obsessed with me. I never thought I would ever move on from him but I did. He treated me like shit and I left. 

7. What are your greatest accomplishments be?

I was stuck and feeling hopeless and depressed looking for a job after I graduated high school, and I went out of my comfort zone and joined a youth organization which was something I’ve never thought I would do. I had some jobs that just didn’t work out for me and through the organization I have found the most amazing job with such incredible people and I’m absolutely grateful. I also want to say that I took a program at RRC and I was so lucky that I got in because I got to help so many people, and I’m so very passionate about giving to others as it really holds a special place in my heart. I miss working with kids. I really love helping people and working with them and that’s why I want to study sociology/psychology. All of the work that I’ve done for the past year is so meaningful as I’ve changed so many people’s lives. Especially working in retailing I’m always grateful going to work as I’m helping people in looking for what they need.

8. Who from your past are you still trying to earn the acceptance of?

That’s a really hard question. 

9. If you didn’t have to work anymore, what would you do with your days?

I would be traveling, making time for my favourite hobbies. 

10. What are the most five most common things in your daily routine aside from the basics such as eating and sleeping?

Meditation, Fitness, Time for myself, Friends, Family, Creativity

11. What do you wish those five most common things were instead?

I wouldn’t really change anything

12. If you really believed you didn’t have control over something, you’d accept it as a matter of fact. What do you struggle to accept that you have “no control” over? What part of you makes you think or hope otherwise?

Omg this is so hard to answer. I feel like this question is regarding relationships on what you can’t change about people and you have to accept that and let them go. In the past, I had to accept that this person didn’t appreciate me anymore and I was being taken for granted. I had to accept that this is what this person is feeling and I can’t change anything about that. But I deserve better and I didn’t want to waste anymore time, and so I left. But no matter what, I always have confidence in people and let them into my life and see where it goes from there. I am never hesitant on letting people into my life. But if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. I let things flow naturally, whatever is mean’t to be, it’s mean’t to be. I’m forever grateful that I still met them. And that gives me hope that I’ll find someone that’ll appreciate me one day. Just one day. 

13. If you were to walk through your home and put your hand on every single thing you own, how many of them would make you sincerely feel happy or at peace? Why keep the rest?

This question really made me appreciate the things that I have. In my room I am surrounded by so many things I hold deeply in my heart. Whenever I’m in my room, my thoughts always wander to places that are so overwhelming and anxiety inducing but then I forget that I am surrounded by love and peace. My books, my stationary, my video games are so very precious to me. Those are the things I love so much. They are always there for me to beat those negative thoughts in my head. 

14. What bothers you about other people? What do you love most in other people? What bothers you most about yourself? What do you love most about yourself?

What bothers me about other people is that I feel like I’m always playing a role depending on the person or group of people I’m around with. I can never be myself, and when I’m myself OF COURSE IM BEING JUDGED FOR IT. Tumblr, the books I read, and these educational YouTube videos I watch made me not give a fuck about what anyone thinks anymore. I’m so tired of sitting in my comfort zone, and when there were so many times I stepped out of my anti social bubble, it really changed my life. What I love about other people is the people that are so understanding and listen to what I’m saying. It’s really rare to find someone that actually listens to me. It’s so fucking hard. I would want to get a therapist or something but then you know I’m the main character of my life and I’ve been listening to myself and creating self awareness by journaling. It’s so nice to have people actually listen to me, and those people are my best friends and I’m so grateful for that. What bothers me most about myself? Is that I think and care about everything way too much. I SEE THE CORRELATION BETWEEN GIVING A FUCK AND NOT GIVING A FUCK LOL. What I love most about myself is the various interests in things that I have, that I care about people and I love helping them, I’m so adventurous about life and is in love with the beauty of the world. And I love being different, I love being myself <333

[emmastudies]

any tips on sticking to a schedule at home/outside of school? xx

Hey! Here are a few things that could help:

decide where you’ll schedule - this is totally your choice!! It could be in a spare notebook, a bullet journal, a word document or my Tumblrs printables (or Etsy printables)! This particular set is probably my most useful, but I have lots of to what you might need! You might already have your own way - by time blocking in Google Calendar - so it is completely what works for you!

figure out what you’re wanting to schedule - are you plotting out a study schedule, a weekly plan, etc? For studying, it might be easiest to plot out the things you need to study so you can put certain topics at specific times. For weekly planning, figure out things that are set in stone and make sure you’re plotting out when you have time. It is also useful to know what is taking priority and set that at a time when you’re more awake/can focus the most.

use little things to help plan better - try to colour code the areas of your life such as studying, school/uni, your job, social life, etc. Being able to see things all at once can help you determine the free time you have to do other tasks. Having the ability to refer to it should help you stay on top and not stressed over it!

set a review day to organise your schedule - set yourself a day to review and plan out each week. I would recommend Sundays! On this day, look at the past week and see what you accomplished and what you didn’t. This can help see where your productivity lacks and what you can change. Then move on to planning out what is up coming during the week.

put it somewhere visible - if you can see your schedule and be reminded of it every day, you’re more likely to implement it into your daily life. I’d suggest putting it near your bed or on your desk.

try to avoid scheduling a lot of stuff at once - it can be highly demoralising if you’re getting behind or not completing tasks. Try to set a couple of priorities for that day and not a million different things. For this, I’d probably schedule a time rather than a task! I’d recommend having actions list that you refer to during your time periods. With the ‘actions’ list, you need to assess what is the next move when you begin. Decide whether you can do it straight away. If it is under 2 minutes, do it there and then. If not, you can defer it or delegate it. If someone else has to do it, make sure you send it to them and organise all that. If not, defer it to either a specific time in your calendar or a specific day.

tell yourself you’ll follow it - if you tell yourself to go check the schedule in the morning, take note of it and follow it, you’ll be more likely to see it through. Make a real point of adding it into your life. Either telling your friends/family to ask you about it (or even getting them to do one with you), setting reminders on your phone to see how you’re progressing, and finding some gratification if you complete it. Believe you can, and you will!!!

use your school/college timetable - during exam periods, we get time off at home so it’s easy to be unproductive. I’ve found sticking to my routine (early morning, classes each day, break times) actually really helpful. I don’t need to do any additional planning but can just follow my normal timetable. It’s also very handy when it comes to doing more than one subject a day. Additionally, it gives you structure so you can start at 9am and maybe finish around 3-4pm giving you the evening to relax.

structure your breaks - another thing is it’s very easy to end up having a break that lasts ages! I’d maybe recommend avoid doing something that is likely to suck you in - unless you have good willpower (eg. Watching a show). Perhaps do something that isn’t as easy to just let time fly! I also find it really useful to note down what I was doing, what I’m thinking and what needs to be done after the break before I leave my study area. When I come back I can refer to that and not feel lost or unfocused!

Hope this helps! x

[bugaboowritings]

Lying to Friends - (Stressed Marinette Fic)

Marinette is Ticking Time Bomb

With light ice angst 

I’m WRITING IT!! Here is Part One of the idea where “Ladybug” (the episode) was about a huge Godzilla-like Ladybug eating Paris (Ladyzilla AU or Ladybug Monster AU?). Or just a fic about Marinette lying to Alya, if you only read this part. 

Enjoy. 

 She tapped her pen twice as fast with each passing second. Drumming it against the polished desk cluttered with her chipped-edge textbooks and countless colored pens. Unconsciously moving the one in her petite fingers like a seesaw with her thumb. Bringing relief to her as its beat stayed constant. Much like a metronome, it combed her thoughts into neat lines. In a sequence, she could manage with. Fixing it from the jumble of nonsense that usually caused her to blank out as she stared off into the nothing. 

 Even when handing her pen off to Alya, Marinette thumped her foot up and down. Keeping the rhythm going. Comforting herself. Alleviating the wrinkles on her forehead while the sides of her throat made her feel nauseous. Getting hit by a sudden fever or tasting the reason why tuna sandwiches shouldn't be left in a schoolbag. Excusing herself from her seat. Turning the chair under her with a little too much force. Preparing to get a scolding by the librarian for that later as Marinette cringed at the thump it made. Alya, on the other hand, didn't bat an eye, her arm mindlessly waving bye as her eyes narrowed on the chemistry problem. Biting her top lip before uncapping another highlighter. 

Marinette stepped out of the library with a big huff. She picked the wrong day to be skipping out in her studying with her chem test creeping closer and closer. However, the deadline didn't jump-start panic into her system as it once did. She and Tikki had trouble figuring out if that was a bad thing or a good thing. Yet, there was an undeniable hunch blazing in the back of her mind that wouldn't let her study even if she tried. 

A sixth sense throbbing. 

Ladybug intuition, if you will. 

Something very bad was going to happen. As if, as if the world was on the verge of seeing something horrible. 

Tikki instructed Marinette to be on the lookout. Reminding her to pick her allies wisely if the battle up ahead demanded more heroes. Marinette visited Master Fu over tea to speak on the matter. Even mentioning it to Chat Noir on a late-night patrol. Before brushing off the comment she made as a simple thought. Chastening herself as she chewed her lip. The last thing she wanting was to make her partner worry for no reason but this sense of doom made her develop a case of insomnia she couldn't cure. 

Marinette was scared. 

Of what? She was unsure about. 

Maybe everything is getting to her. Like she was crashing from a high. 

 No. 

No, Marinette was fine.

Other than the irrational panic, she's good. 

She had a schedule now so she won't be stressed too much about commission deadlines and due dates.  Slowly getting into the self-care routine thanks to Alya and Adrien. 

She's good. 

Though she knew that wasn't the whole truth. 

Lila picked at her nerves each and everyday. Making it seem like another battle lost when she gave Mari that dumb smirk and ARH! It was so infuriating! Watching her go around like the victim when she lit the match that led to the fire. Lila was worse than Chloe. Marinette even wanted to go far as comparing her to Hawkmoth. 

Marinette ground her teeth at that.

Hawkmoth has been a pain lately. 

Marinette punched a number in the school's vending machine. The same that had stickers on the sides and graffiti etched on the glass. Hoping a drink will clear her head. Searching her coin purse to get something for Alya too. Knowing too well that she couldn't drink it in the library. 

Shooting Alya a text to get down for a quick break. 

Marinette pulled back the can tab, the sizzle of the carbonated drink was music to her ears after swallowing the cafeteria's bitter "green" juice for lunch. Taking a sip as a pick-me-up from studying, waiting for the sugar to kick in her system. Leaning on to the cream-yellow bricks that made up the walls of the school. Noticing one of the bricks had someone's initials scratched on to it. 

"Girl, you don't even know how much I needed this." Alya popped open the can by Marinette's feet. Not asking if it was her's because of course, it was her's. Grinning when it saw it was her favorite flavor. Smiling a little wider when tasting how cold it was. Balancing out the sun while its rays warmed the air around them.  

"I thought we could use a bit of a breather." Marinette hummed. Tipping her head back as she took another sip. "It's not good being inside for too long."

"Yeah," Alya smirked, slurping her drink. "Sure that it wasn't because of the view."

Feeling the bubbles in her drink go up to her nose. Marinette coughed into her elbow. Almost dropping her can. 

"Ah- what?" 

Alya patted her back till Marinette quit coughing. Her brown locks swayed as her head nodded towards the locker rooms. There, as if on cue, the fencing team poured out. Laughing with their gym bags slung over their shoulders. 

Adrien smiled as one of his teammates patted his back. His sandy-golden curls were messy and all over the place. It was a charming look, really. Though he was probably sweaty from practice. The sunrays made his hair glitter as he laughed lightly at one of his teammates' jokes. Marinette could just stand there to watch. Maybe even try to grab his attention or call him out from the crowd. 

Then he looked at her. 

Marinette straightens up. Not caring that her pigtails were a little loose or the fact that her face screamed "fresh out from the grave" with the bags under her eyes. 

He gave her that soft smile he seems to offer only her. Or that's just what Marinette likes to think.  To imagine if somehow, someway, he thought she was special. 

Miraculous even. 

Marinette pumped out her own smile, not helping the red that appeared up to her ears. Waving goodbye a little too enthusiastically. Staring at him even when he turned around, making his way out the school's grand doors. Possibly out to where his bodyguard stood. Entering a slick black car that would take his home. Probably, reaching for his phone to text Nino about when they should hang out. Or probably just shut in a room to practice his piano. 

"No," Marinette confessed. Shaking her head swiftly. "No, you got it all wrong." 

"Mari," Alya cooed. Sporting a fox-like grin. Steaming up another scheme before Marinette stared her down. 

"Seriously. I have to much on my mind to try and chase boys." Marinette sipped. Noticing how her grip made a dent in the can. 

A hand fell on Marinette's shoulder, shaking her a bit before feeling Alya's hand skated into small circles. Knowing too well it was the same trick she did when her younger sisters were upset. 

"You wanna talk about it?" 

----

The two girls sat by the vending machine for a while. Marinette had dropped to the ground when Alya squatted next to her. Their nearly empty cans stood by them. Trembling when a breeze came in but the leftover juice in them kept them from flying away like another piece of trash in the wind. 

Marinette had a great view of the quad from where she sat. It was 4:15 and Ms. Bustier's breathing class was starting. Their meetings were once weekly only to switch it to daily sessions as Hawkmoth started acting up. Pulling out stronger akumas. Every time getting closer and closer on getting the miraculous. Every time he seemed to manage to set the city on fire before Marinette could call on her Ladybug Cure to extinguish it. 

People were fearing for their lives. 

Marinette felt the tension leaving the student's shoulders as Ms.Bustier told them to breathe.  

People were fearing for their lives. 

 Scared out of their minds to think that they could be one of Hawkmoth's "champions". A pawn in his game. Manipulated then tossed away when they failed.  

Marinette came to the conclusion that whoever hid behind the mask, behind the akumas, behind the destruction and terrorism that haunted France she would beat to a bloody pulp. 

It was already set in stone. 

Nothing could change her mind now. Not after days, weeks, months, years fighting against this villain, she has seen first-hand how it changed her community. 

Emotions were a weapon now. Feeling anxious or bothered or frustrated or disappointed or anything negative was seen as a weakness to the villain. A target on your back as you felt anything other than happiness. It drained people after a while. To think that people were afraid to express themselves in fear that a little black butterfly would come down and evilize them. The same healthy emotions that were the basis for any person was now a feared weapon.

Teens, the main targets for akumas, now had this fear on their back as anxiety, depression, and anxiousness ate them up. 

Nadja reported that Akuma-Safe Protocols were now implemented in every school or public area.

Alya posted safety guides to Akumas on her blog.  

The Mayor released messages to the press about how they had to work together with their heroes. To stop this dumpster fire that seems to grow each and everyday. 

And the person stopping from Paris burning down was Marinette Dupain-Cheng in a bug costume with a flirty cat by her side. 

Marinette gave a heavy sigh as Alya brushed her bangs back. Petting her like how a mother would comb her child's hair with their fingers. Waiting for Mari to say what was on her chest. 

 God, Marinette just wanted to tell her. To rant. To vent. To cry. All to stop the headaches she was getting or to release the pressure in her. To explain to Alya who she really is. The same hero Alya follows around was the girl that sat next to her in every class. How every time she lied was to go save Paris, not to ditch her. How the secret society that Alya figured out was the same one Marinette went to every Wednesday for tea. Really, she wanted to spill. To stop lying to her best friend in the whole wide world. To tell the truth. To break down this wall between them.

 But Marinette just bit her tongue.  

Alya could never know about this. 

"I'm just worried about this semester, you know." Marinette sighed. It wasn't what was bothering her, but it was something her parents brought up during dinner. Not to scare her, but because they were too interested in what she plans to do. 

"It's our last year here before we move on to bigger things." She groaned, getting up from the floor. 

"My dream of having my own fashion house and your's about being a reputable reporter.

"I'm scared that we're gonna grow apart." Marinette huffed. Tossing her can in the green bin. 

"Hey," Alya's eyes soften with her tone. "We're going to conquer the world together, remember. We, kind of, still need to be best friends for that to work out." She beamed. 

Her smile mirroring on to Mari's face. 

"I guess, you're right about that."

"I know I am!" Alya exclaimed. Throwing her arm around Marinette's shoulder.

 "Now that we are on the topic of working together, there is this one problem I can't seem to solve on the study guide-" 

"ALYA!"

"What! I need help with it!"

------

TBC -see you next week 

[katjacksonbooks]

So we’re back on the “What are you polyamorous triad couples up to?” train.

The answer is sex. 

Have a short, hot, mildly emotional check-in with my favorite Baker, Fire Chief and Police Chief in a town so small no one can find it on a map. 

And if you’ve interested in knowing more about how these three met and fell for each other, feel free to read the Welcome to Sea Port series, all $0.99 and in Kindle Unlimited. 

Bedtime Routine

Mary hated sleeping alone.

She hadn’t had to in years, and apparently, she’d been very spoiled by it, so much so that her normally warm and cozy bed seemed big and cold now that she was in it alone instead of pressed against Knox or Santos. Or both, on those nights where she ended up in the middle.

Even Cat-leen had deserted her, but Mary couldn’t blame her. Her cat had an entire late-night routine that as far as Mary could discern included snacking on her food, dumping a few of her toys into her water fountain, and sleeping in Knox’s favorite armchair. Her routine was the same, and she clearly didn’t care that Mary’s wasn’t.

Mary sighed and sat up in bed with a frown. She reached for her cell phone on her bedside table and dialed Knox.

“Shouldn’t you be sleep?” he asked instead of hello.

“Shouldn’t you be at home?”

He chuckled softly, and Mary’s back relaxed. She hadn’t even realized it was tense.

“Believe me, I’d much rather be home than sitting in this damn fire station alone,” he said with a yawn.

“No calls, right?” she asked, trying to keep the fear from making her voice shake.

“No calls, sweetheart. This is all just a precaution,” he said.

Mary had heard that last sentence from Knox and Santos so many times over the last month that the words were starting to grate on her, not for any other reason than that eventually, it wouldn’t be a precaution.

It was easy to keep herself together during the day. While Knox and Santos slept, Mary spent hours in their kitchen baking and coordinating food deliveries to houses around town. Now that the bakery was closed, she kept in contact with Bria and Charlie through Facetime. Mary and Bria had split up their baking duties. Bria was working on her bread recipes — including gluten-free, whole wheat, and soon enough, even some sprouted options — while Mary worked on the sweet treats. They were both very busy.

When Willie had first closed the non-essential shops, Mary was worried that her bakery would go under just when it was starting to flourish, but online orders had surged for a while. But as shipping had slowed, she’d shuttered online ordering to focus on local deliveries around Sea Port and in some neighboring local towns. It worked.

At first, Mary was concerned that she wouldn’t be able to find work for Charlie, but the entire food box delivery was Charlie’s idea. They’d all been on Facetime when Bria had said Sully was worried about her own business, and Charlie had asked if Sully still had coffee to sell, because her aunt was running low. Charlie had brokered that sale through text message and then added, “Hey Mary, my aunt wants to know if you can make her some pecan cinnamon rolls. She said she’ll give you her entire SSI check for a pan.”

They’d laughed, and then an entire informal economy had formed, with Charlie as the hub connecting people with groceries — she even managed to rope in the local dairy farm — and recruiting a bunch of bored out-of-school teenagers to collect the items for each boxand deliver them with as little contact as possible. She’d even gotten the mayor to divert some of the gloves and masks she’d been able to buy to the delivery kids once the town implemented stay-at-home orders. Mary had been mildly amused by how nosy Charlie was, but her business — and a bunch of others in the county — would probably ride out the pandemic based almost solely on the fact that Charlie was in literally everyone’s business all the time. Who knew!?

Mary hadn’t ever thought that she’d be living through a pandemic, and a few years ago, she’d have said — if asked this incredibly strange question — that if it happened, she wouldn’t want to be in a small town that no one could find on a map. But now that they were all living through a pandemic, and she was in a tiny dot of a small town, she couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

She baked all day, and she Facetimed with her friends and family all around the country, coordinating with her great-aunts, Santos’s brothers, and Marcus to make sure that everyone had someone watching over them. And even though Mary still wasn’t talking to her mother like she used to, they’d begun texting daily just to check in, and she acted as the go-between for her parents, fielding her father’s slightly panicked calls about her mother’s wellbeing and then translating them into calm text messages to discern what her mother needed; which her father then promptly either ordered or ran out to the stores to buy and deliver to her door before she even woke up.

Life was stressful, but having something to do — actually, lots of things to do — made the day-to-day of this situation easier. That was the days; the nights were an entirely different story.

There were some great things about being in a relationship with the chief of police and the fire chief. The Sea Port crime rate was mostly bored kids breaking things, breaking into places, or painting graffiti on things, especially now when they didn’t have much to do but sit in virtual classrooms. And while lots of businesses had been hit by the youths, Mary’s bakery hadn’t, and she attributed that primarily to the fact that the entire town knew she was Santos’s girlfriend.

Blessings to the town gossip mill.

And while Knox’s expertise on building codes came in handy, Mary often thought wistfully of the privilege she had to have fucked all over the town’s small firehouse. She loved everything about Knox, but holding onto the fire pole for dear life while he fucked her into a stupor was a surprisingly comforting pre-pandemic memory. Once this was all over, she promised herself that they’d do it again but with Santos this time, and that could usually chase away the blues.

But hands down, the worst part of dating two of the town’s small cadre of first responders, and the heads of their departments at that, was that the mayor only trusted them to work the most stressful shifts. So, while Mary was baking and sourcing ingredients around the town and county, Knox and Santos were usually passed out in their bed. And just when she was winding down for the day, they were showering and putting on their uniforms to head out for the night.

Mary took the smallest comfort that Knox hadn’t had many calls at night, and since there hadn’t been a reported case in Sea Port yet — knock on wood — he was mostly on hand just in case. Santos spent most of his shifts in his car, driving around town and making sure that the bored kids weren’t out causing annoying, if understandable, chaos. Meanwhile, she spent a good portion of the night bored and alone without them, and her traitorous brain started to worry, mostly about their family members and friends who were all over the country.

And she didn’t want to worry about that; she didn’t even want to think about those scenarios. She didn’t want to wonder how they’d get to them or if they could even afford to. She didn’t want to think at night. She wanted to fuck away her anxiety and then sleep like a baby who didn’t even know the word “pandemic”, but she couldn’t.

“That silence sounds like you’re worrying,” Knox said in a light tone that she knew he was affecting to keep her calm.

“Maybe a little,” she admitted.

“Mmmhmm. Hold on.”

Mary frowned as the line went quiet for a few seconds. She stared at her lock screen — a picture of her, Santos, and Knox under her great-aunts’ pecan trees from last Christmas. That picture seemed like a century ago.

“You there?” Knox asked.

“Where would I go?” Mary snarked.

“So you’re in a good mood,” Santos breathed.

Mary smiled at the sound of his dry sarcasm and Knox’s affable chuckle. “Shut up. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Santos breathed in a warm voice. “Just so fucking bored. The middle schoolers don’t even have the decency to be yelling at each other across the street tonight.”

“Don’t say that too loud. I’m sure those little hoodlums can hear you,” Knox said.

“I’m surprised they haven’t tried to get together in the woods,” Mary mused absentmindedly.

Santos sighed, and it was the weariest thing she’d ever heard. They heard the crackle of his radio. “Poole, can you ride out to the Freeman farm?”

“Sure, boss. Am I looking for anything in particular?” Max Poole, Santos’s newly promoted lieutenant asked.

“Yeah. These damn kids. Make sure they aren’t congregating out there.”

“Shit,” Poole breathed.

“Yeah,” Santos said.

“Sorry,” Mary whispered.

Knox burst into a laugh that made Mary’s gut clench with need, not necessarily sexual, just the desire to hear that laughter all over her skin.

“You sure you want to have kids?” Santos asked.

“A whole fucking misbehaving gang of them,” Knox said through his laughter.

“Like a basketball team, or…?” Mary asked.

“Football. Soccer,” Santos corrected.

Mary rolled her eyes, but she was smiling so hard that her eyes were closed. She yawned and settled back onto their mattress. Their bed was still empty, but she burrowed under their blankets and didn’t feel so cold.

“We should get started soon, then,” Mary hummed.

“You been talking to Ms. Pearl?” Knox asked.

“Yes,” Mary said, “but Santos’s mom is apparently working on a christening dress? It’s very frilly.”

Santos muttered under his breath. Mary’s Spanish was terrible, even though she’d been working on it now that she had a little more free time, but even she knew what “dios mio” meant.

“Well, since we’re starting, let’s start,” Knox said.

“Pretty sure we need to be together for that to work,” Santos said.

Mary could just imagine him rolling his eyes and Knox rolling his eyes in return.

“Practice makes perfect,” Knox said. “What are you wearing, sweetheart?”

Mary squinted her eyes shut in excitement. “Shorts and a t-shirt,” she said, already wriggling out of the former.

“What would you be doing if we were there?” Knox asked. His voice wasn’t warm or soothing anymore, it was hot with seduction and promise. He knew exactly what he was doing when his voice sounded like that; the way it turned them on.

“What would you want me to do?” she asked. She’d already bent her legs to plant her feet on the mattress and spread her knees wide. She was stroking her pussy, her fingers lightly tracing up one lip to circle her clit and then down the other to play at her opening.

“Santos?” Knox asked.

He grunted in response. Mary wondered if he was stroking his dick through his pants or if he’d taken himself out.

“Use your words,” Knox said. His breath had quickened, and somehow, Mary knew that alone in the firehouse, he’d dispensed with the foreplay and was probably already stroking himself like Mary was.

The line was quiet for a bit as they waited for Santos. “Get your toy,” he finally said.

Mary licked her lips and pressed a finger into her pussy to the first knuckle. “Please be more specific,” she huffed.

Knox’s laughter was thin, airy. He sounded close, and that made Mary’s breaths quicken.

“I want to be inside you,” Santos breathed.

Mary pushed another finger inside herself. “God, be more specific,” she moaned.

“I don’t need to,” Santos said. The sound of his zipper was loud through their connection.

Knox grunted.

Mary smiled at the sound of them. “So I should choose?” she teased with a tinkle of laughter.

They both grunted this time, and she laughed. She tapped at her phone screen with her free hand to put their call on speaker and then practically ripped open the closest bedside table. She sighed, only finding lube and Santos’s reading glasses.

“Wrong drawer,” she mumbled. Knox and Santos were apparently too preoccupied to answer. She rolled to the other side of the bed and pulled open the drawer to find a bullet vibe. She personally would have preferred something long and thick, but beggars can’t be picky, especially not when the sound of one of her men spitting into his hand came through the phone.

“You two better not come without me,” she warned, licking the cool metal of the bullet and then settling back onto the bed.

“Did you get a vibrator?” Santos asked in a strained voice.

“Yeah, just a bullet, though.”

Santos grunted unhappily.

“Can we stay on track, please?” Knox asked.

“Oh yeah, yeah,” she said, spreading her legs again.

Mary slid her thumb across the slide to turn the vibrator on and settled the bullet over her clit. She arched her back and moaned happily. Santos grunted again, but it was Knox’s keening moan that made her nipples hard.

“Fuck,” she breathed and shoved her fingers back into her pussy.

The room filled with the hum of Mary’s vibrator, her moans, and the slightly distorted sounds of Santos and Knox’s moans as well as the gentle rasp of their hands on their own bodies. They fucked themselves together, moaning and grunting and panting, while they thought about finally being together; dreamed about what it would be like when this was all over, and they could get back to something like normal.

“I’m close,” Knox breathed.

So was Mary, but she slowed down and took the pressure of the bullet off her clit, sliding it across her lips in gentle strokes. She moved her head closer to the phone so she could hear every scrap of sound of Knox’s orgasm. She knew Santos well enough to guess that he’d probably done the same.

And Knox did not disappoint. He never did.

His heaving breaths turned to moans as the sound of his dick fucking his fist got louder and faster, more desperate. “Fuck,” he said and then groaned long and loud.

Santos was much tamer. He always was. But as soon as Knox’s groan subsided, there was a shuffle of fabric on his end of the phone and then a series of grunts.

Mary had never stopped fucking herself with her fingers, and the wet slap of her hand against her sex was as frantic as her nerves had been just a few minutes ago.

“Now you,” Santos said, having the nerve to give her orders when he could barely speak above a whisper.

Mary might have pushed back at him, but Knox didn’t give her the room.

“You heard the man,” he ground out. “Let me hear how you’re going to come on my dick as soon as I’m home.”

Not that she needed the encouragement, but she really fucking loved when Santos got demanding and Knox talked dirty to her. She didn’t even need to move the bullet back to her clit to come. She arched her back, cried out, and then when her legs were shaking, she turned the bullet vibe all the way up to the highest setting and moved it over her clit. Her orgasm transformed from a gentle shudder to a violent shake as she gushed all over her hand.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, she was certain that one, or maybe even both Knox and Santos had grunted out another small release along with her, but she was too far gone to be sure. They were mostly quiet on the phone as Mary wrung herself out, alternating between just her fingers and then the vibrator as well to let one orgasm roll into another and then another.

Her men listened in silence as she came and came, only stopping when the batteries on her vibrator began to give out.

Mary turned over in bed, her fingers still stuffed inside her clenching pussy, and her eyes drifting closed.

She yawned, and Knox laughed, “Well, we got that part down. Next on the list is actually getting in the bed together, and then this baby-making thing can get on the way.”

Mary smiled and yawned again. “Deal. I’m tired now.”

“Good,” Santos said. “Go to sleep. We’ll be there when you wake up.”

“Leave your clothes in the mudroom,” she said, a sharp shot of panic pulling her back into consciousness.

“We know, babe. Calm down,” Knox said calmly. “Go to sleep, and maybe I’ll wake you up with my tongue.”

Mary pumped her fingers in and out of her sex and began to drift again. “I’d like that,” she remembered saying as she fell soundly to sleep.

[from-1-to-90]

Day 50 of 90 - Over Halfway There!

Alright... I’m not even going to give myself an excuse for the fact that I haven’t blogged since day 28. I’m just going to say that while I clearly didn’t hit my “blog once a week” goal, I’m doing pretty darned well on my other health goals, so I’m not too mad about it. And with that, let’s move on to the recap of the past 22 days.

Due to being on holiday and away from home from day 33 through day 44, I was not able to track my weight daily for that time span. Additionally, because I knew I was going to be busy with visiting family and such for that time span, I didn’t want to force myself to try to squeeze my normal workout routine in every day, so I gave myself a break there. I also didn’t try too hard to stick to my original calorie / macro count, and instead just tried to eat things in moderation, and only eat something that was “unhealthy” or “bad” for me if I really wanted it, not just because it was there. (It also helped that I didn’t have family members actively pressuring me to eat tons of things, like at the previous holiday). And surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), this really didn’t end up being a bad thing!

Here’s my weight breakdown:

Week 2 Weigh-In: 133.8 lbs Change over 1 week: +1.8 lbs Change since beginning: +0.3 lbs

Week 3 Weigh-In: 131.5 lbs Change over 1 week: -2.3 lbs Change since beginning: 2 lbs

Week 4 Weigh-In: 130 lbs Change over 1 week: 1.5 lbs Change since beginning: 3.5 lbs

Week 5 Weigh-In: N/A (away for holiday; didn’t measure)

Week 6 Weigh-In: 131.5 lbs (just returned from holiday) Change over 1 week: N/A Change since beginning: 3.5 lbs

Week 7 Weigh-In: 128 lbs Change over 1 week: 3.5 lbs Change since beginning: 5.8 lbs

I’m currently at 128 lbs, which means that I broke through the weight plateau that kept me stagnating around 130! I was trying to figure out the reason for the stagnation, and I’m really not sure what it was. I was eating well, and exercising diligently. There are only two potential reasons that I can think of at the moment. One is, maybe after implementing a drastically different eating and exercise plan for a month, my body was just trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Another is that it could have been stress from work affecting me. Week 2 through Week 4 was a stressful time for me at work (a LOT of deadlines) and it’s possible that my cortisol levels rose and caused me to hold onto weight.

We may never know. But I’m not too concerned about it anymore, because clearly the plateau has broken!! Maybe the physical relaxation over Week 5 was just what my body needed in order to reset and (possibly?) get my cortisol levels down.

I’ve got 5 1/2 weeks to go on this 90 day journey. I have 3 pounds left in order to reach my weight goal. I really do think that this is doable - I mean, it’s less than a pound a week, and I’m pretty sure I can smash that! However, I do want to state for the record that I realize my body might just give me a flat-out “no” for whatever reason. I might stagnate, even if I'm doing all the “right” things. And I’m giving myself the grace to say that that is okay. I set my goals based on the knowledge I had at the time, with the understanding that those goals were flexible and could be changed for the good of my body. A good friend reminded me that my body is changing due to these healthy habits - and even if my weight stays the same or possibly even goes up, it could be because I’m building muscle. Weight only tells part of the story. (I’m really wishing that I measured myself (inches-wise) at the start of this journey so that I had another data point, but oh well.)

But putting the weight aside, this journey has been unbelievably healthy for me, both physically and emotionally. Exercising has truly made a world of difference in my mental health. I know everyone always says that, but man - it was like taking a magic pill that suddenly made me happier and more focused. Who wouldn’t want that?? And because my brain is receiving the dopamine it needs from exercise, I’m no longer craving junk food 24/7. Instead, I can have a normal, moderated amount of dessert and less-than-healthy food, and I don’t feel like I’m missing something.

[radicaljess]

5 Healthy Lifestyle Changes You Can Make That DON’T Include Going To The Gym!

Lets be frank, not everyone likes going to the gym. That’s totally okay, it’s not for everyone, so don’t try to force yourself to like it because you’ll end up hating it even more. It may be that you do like the gym, but you’ve only got so far with it. Again, that’s fine. Let’s step out of the gym for a minute and walk into your home, your work, your everyday surroundings.

A quick disclaimer before you start. Pick 1 out of the 5 following changes to start with. See if you can maintain it for 2 weeks. If you can? Great, keep going and pick a second. Don’t burden yourself with too much at once, good things take time. 

1. Limit your screen time.

PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!!! Stop scrolling right before sleep, your brain is gonna be anything but sleepy if the last thing you saw on Facebook was that according to Stacey, Brenda from over the road was leaving her husband for his brother. What about this cute little puppy on Instagram though Jess?

I’m the cat. Not interested. Turn it off. 

It’s also affecting your personal relationships. How many times have you had to say “What was that?” to someone because you were scrolling? Guilty!! We all do it, but try to get your headspace a little clearer and look at what’s in front of you. The quality time with your friends, partner or the real life puppies you could be seeing. Which brings me to my next point...

2. Step outside. 

Yes, okay this can be weather dependant. But I cannot emphasise enough the importance of fresh air. My mum always used to say “all that fresh air will do you good”, I mean when I was 15 the last thing I cared about was getting fresh air. BUT, Mum, you were right. Get moving in the outdoors, get your step count up. Go to your local dog walking spot and look at dogs. Get a cold nose and then run indoors and have a hot drink. BREATHE!! Make a point of going outside for just 10 minutes every day and I promise you you’ll notice the difference. 

3. Move your feet.

Have you heard that sitting is the new smoking? Can you believe that? A sedentary lifestyle has now been linked to a higher risk of developing cancers, heart disease and poor mental health. If you work in a desk job this can be twice as hard. But try getting up every hour and walking up and down a flight of stairs, or going to get a drink, or just popping over to Karens desk to tell her about Brenda across the road, “Can you BELIEVE it?”

Anyway, let’s let Brenda live her life because that’s Brenda’s business. The important thing here is that you’re moving. Whether thats walking the long way home or parking the car in the car park down the road, get those steps in when you can. 

4. Sit down, DRINK. Stand up, DRINK.

Hydrate yourself. Now. Literally go and get a drink. Aim for 1.5 - 2 litres a day. Buy a reusable (climate change is real people) bottle and keep that sucker topped up all day. Water helps your brain function better, makes you less sleepy, improves muscle fibres and helps you wee to remove toxins out of the body. So, I mean, it’s pretty good for you. It’s literally the drink of life. 

Why haven’t you gone to get a drink yet?

5. Night, hun.

Go to bed. Create yourself a bedtime routine. It will change your life. Treat yourself like a child and set a time and stick to it. Have a bath if you want, do your skincare regime if that’s what you like, drink a peppermint tea (hi just giving you my bedtime routine). Phone off. Alarm set. Dark room. 

*Side note - if you struggle to settle, download the Calm app and go to the sleep section in the meditation section. I don’t think I’ve ever made it to the end without falling asleep.

Sleep is vital for good mental and physical recovery. Also, a good nights sleep generally just puts you in a better mood and makes you a nicer person to be around. 

SO, there you have it. You might already be doing some of these, you might have needed a reminder or you may be doing none of them. My challenge to you for the next coming week is to try and implement JUST ONE of these into your daily life. Try it, see how you feel. What’s the worst that could happen?