#currently writing ch12 as we speak

[volcanofireflame150]

A Soul meets another Seoul

Ch1; Ch12

Chapter 11

I was finally learning Healing and Thunder spells, I'm currently reading through a book about the Thunder moves, and only a few caught my attention, I was writing each one of the moves down so I could remember the names of the attack. Renji came into my new office, that's right, I moved to Squad 6, Toshiro is not taking this well, but it was for the best. Anyways, Renji came in and sat down, asking, "Have you heard anything from Captain Hitsugaya, Akari?" "I have not talked to him ever since I've moved squads," I said, while writing a current attack move. Renji walks over, puts his hand over my book, I looked up and got a concerned look on him, he tells me, "He's not doing so great ever since you moved over here." "I was hoping he would forget that I was there," I told him, "Besides I didn't actually leave." I pulled out my still squad 10 badge, Renji said, "You are sneaky you know that." "Yeah, I had to reason the Head Captain, well, I didn't have to," I said, "Let's just say, he allowed me to keep it if I changed my mind of being here." "Just say that he treats you different," said Renji, getting tired of me saying it the other way around. I gave him a look, "You know on how I am, Renji, I work things my way which is why Captain Hitsugaya would always give me the heavy duties because I know on how to get it done when it needs to be." "Yeah, about that Captain Kuchiki is not letting you do the heavy work," said Renji, "He's letting me do all that." "Which is why I snuck 50 away from you," I said, pointing to the pile I took. He looks at the pile, then looks back at me shocked, "No wonder why I couldn't find them." "Don't worry, those 50 were already done before you even noticed that they were gone," I said. After Renji's visit, I could finally get back to what I was doing, I closed my office door, putting a sign saying 'Do Not Disturb!' so I could finally go back to reading, some peace and quiet, something that I needed for a while now. Then there was a knock at the damn door, I groaned, asked, "Who is it?" "You know on who it is," a familiar voice said. I asked, "Shuhei, what are you doing here?" "Does it sound like I'm Shuhei?" asked the familiar, "It's me, Renji." "What do you want, Renji?" I asked. Renji said, "Look, I know there is a sign but you have a guest and you already know on who is here, so I'll let him know that you are busy." I got up, ran to the door, and yelled, "Wait!!!" Then I noticed that Ichigo made a perfectly good voice impression of Renji, he smiled and said, "Well, well, so nice of you to finally come out." "Wow, you indeed did a good voice impression of Renji," I told him. Ichigo looked at me weird, then looked behind me, I looked seeing Renji standing there, Renji grinned, "Shuhei is not here, Ichigo is though." "You," I growled, "Moron!!" I went back into my office after I whacked Renji on the head and slammed my door in Ichigo's face. I can't believe Renji messed with my emotions like that, then I heard those 2 argue, I was hearing Ichigo saying, "What were you thinking Renji? It's obvious that her and Shuhei are getting serious, I can't believe you messed around with her emotions." "Look, I didn't know alright," Renji said to Ichigo, "I always thought if you were here to guide her back to the world of the living, she should've known that is was you." "What you do if Shuhei was here to see her?" Ichigo asked. Renji said, "I don't know, he never comes to me or anyone to see her, he just lets himself in her office." That's right, Shuhei always does that, oops, Ichigo said, "Well, that was when she was still in Squad 10, she moved squads remember?" "I'm wondering if she told him that she switched squads," I heard Renji say. I shouted out, "I told him before I came over here." "Oh shit, she heard us," Ichigo said, in a scared tone of voice. I said to them, "You guys are not that quiet whenever you 2 speak to each other." I opened the door, not only to see Renji and Ichigo, but Shuhei was walking down the hallway as if on cue for our break time together. Renji asked, "Are you ready to go to the world of the living?" "Already? But I just got here," I said, pouting. Ichigo said, "Renji, I only wanted to know if she's doing alright, if she doesn't want to leave yet, she doesn't have to, it's her choice." Then those 2 walked away, I met up with Shuhei finally, he said, "Hey, I thought you were leaving with Ichigo." "It's not even that time yet," I said, "Plus I guess I misunderstood Renji a moment ago." "I heard, I always knock first but before I even do that you open the door before I knock," he said. I blushed big time, I told him, "I just know that you would always show up when I met at our secret spot." He nods, "Hey, um, I just want to let you know that even though I love you with all my heart, I think we need to slow down because we skipped the friendship part." "Did we really?" I asked, "I thought that is what we were always doing." "Not on my part, you would always do friendly gestures, I do the boyfriend gestures," I heard him say. From that point, Shuhei is going to try his very best to make this friendship be like bedrock, I giggled at his silly mistakes, but at least he's trying, hey, most couple out there do things differently, after my shift in the Soul Society was done, I went back to the World of the Living, saying goodbye to Shuhei, I went to a random bedroom and slept on someone's bed. When I woke up, I looked to seeing Ichigo sleeping on the floor, oh shit, did I accidentally slept in Ichigo's room? I picked him up off of the floor and into HIS bed, then moved to the couch, blushing. It meant that I must've seen him changing, but I didn't make sudden move, I only looked through my left eye which was in between the bed and pillow. Oh my goodness, I did not know what happened, I was feeling my heart skipping beats like crazy. I hope he does not bring this up in conversation, he would make me feel so uncomfortable. Morning was here, I saw his father, Rukia, and his sisters coming down the stairs, Rukia has no idea why my face was still red. Then Ichigo came down, I looked away so he doesn't see, he sees me, "Morning Akari." "Morning, Ichigo," I said, trying not to be obvious that I'm blushing like crazy. Though I have a feeling that he knew that I was watching him, though Ichigo has a image to keep so he's not gonna do anything to ruin his image. Once my face stopped burning up with blushing, I finally looked at the Kurosaki family and Rukia, then I felt sort of happiness inside that I'm a part of this crazy family. Then Rukia sees me, notices a small smile forming on my face, she nudges Ichigo then pointed at me, which caused him to blush, oh no, he knows that I was watching. Shit. What do I do? Does he know? I hope not, I, too, have an image to keep. Oh no, here he comes, he sat down across from me, both of us are blushing, he asked, "Why were you in my bedroom?" "I thought I was in my own room," I said, looking down while looking at him. Ichigo then notices on how fidget I'm being, then his face got even redder, then he asked, "How much did you see?" "I only took a peek," I said, in a squealed voice. He said, "Let's hope this is a one time thing." "I don't know why I chose your room, really, I don't know why," I said to him. He understands me, thank goodness, I'm guessing that I'm too comfortable with him that I decided to sleep in his room before he does, well, guess that didn't work on how I planned it. We headed towards the school, we dropped the situation that happened because it would make everything awkward for the 2 of us, I saw Uryu and Chad, I always look forward so Ichigo and Rukia also saw them and Orihime, I went to Uryu and Chad, "Hey guys." "Hey, Akari," said Uryu. Chad only said, "Hmm." "Hey Akari can I ask you something?" Uryu asked. I nodded, "Sure, what is it?" "How come that you don't have any spiritual pressure around you?" asked Uryu. I was confused, Rukia said, "Uryu is a Quincy." "Oh that makes sense," I said. Ichigo said, "I just want to say that Uryu raises a good point because Rukia and myself, we couldn't sense yours." "I wonder why," I said, "I don't even know." "Maybe it's because of that Zanpakuto, you keep carrying around you," said Ichigo, "By the way, where is Shadow Phoenix?" "See this Scythe hair pin?" I asked, pointing at the hair pin. Now they see, Orihime said, "You look so beautiful with it." "Same with your hair pins, Orihime," I said to her. We giggled at our compliments, it's weird that I feel like I belong here, but I don't belong here at all. I was walking behind everyone, I always walk slow when something is going wrong in my mind or I'm just triggered by something, this time was different so it's neither of those 2. I was thinking on how to keep Shuhei's flirting at bay, Renji showed up out of nowhere, asking, "Why are you behind everyone?" "Geez, Renji, warn me next time," I said, "I have something on my mind." "Ah, let me guess Shuhei dumped you?" asked Renji. I gave him a very unsettling look, it was his fault for messing with my feelings in the beginning, so I kicked in the area before his vital part. I met up with the others who saw that, Ichigo felt the same pain Renji was feeling, Rukia said, "Well, it is what he deserved." I nodded, not wanting to be messed with, I'm still fuming after that, Uryu did not even say anything to me. This was not Shadow Phoenix's anger, this is my anger, she was being silent throughout the day. No one bothered me for the rest of the school hours, after school, no one still bothered me, I'm still fuming. That was until Ichigo told Renji, "You should've known better than to mess with her feeling, Renji, that was very low on your part." "I know, it's just I didn't know she would take it to heart," said Renji, "I guess she is different from us." "Just apologize and maybe you can make up on what you did," said Ichigo. He is taking this role of being a brother very well, I guess so since he has 2 sisters to look after. I forgave Renji but I still gave him the silent treatment only for 5 minutes because that really hurt my heart, when it was just me and Ichigo, I was sitting on the floor then he told me, "You can sit on my bed, I don't want you to sit on the floor." "Oh no, I think I'm good on where I am," I said, thinking of that mistake happening again. He sees a hint of red blush forming, he tells me, "I'm not going to change until everyone gives me some privacy." "Right," I said, shyly. Then he allowed me to sit up there with him, he asked, "What's going on in your mind, Akari?" "Can you be more specific?" I asked. He chuckled, "What I mean is what has been bothering you lately other than Renji telling that low phrase, there is no way Shuhei and you will ever be apart." "You know about us?" I asked. He winked and said, "I'm keeping it a secret. I'm not one who blurts out everything." "Yeah," I said, softly, "Well, there is this one thing that has me worried about you." "About me?" he said, confused. I asked, "If you happened to turn into a hollow, what do you want me to do?" "That's a deep question," he said, knowing that I'm serious. I giggled nervously, "You can think about it, you don't have to tell me right away, you know what, you can just forget about that question, besides you always win no matter what." With that, I just left knowing that I just asked a majorly important question because I have a feeling that is what is going to happen either way, I mean he's getting stronger each fight he does, I wish I was that strong, I'm only strong with my Fire attacks. I took off my Scythe hair pin, pressed the button then went to a library since it's still day time, I read at least 5 books to only kill time before the lady said that they were closing now, I asked, "Is there any place for me to do some singing?" "Oh, you mean karaoke?" she asked. I nodded, then she pointed towards the place across the street, I went there, sat in a table in a very dark corner, then a couple of people were coming my way, assuming that this is their table, all I moved was a chair to be near a window. I know I shouldn't asked Ichigo that but what was I suppose to ask around that, I haven't been here long enough. I was looking at the stars when this girl asked me, "Are you alright over there?" I looked at her, then nodded, and went back to looking at the stars, she came over and told me, "You know you can join our table since you have one of the chairs." "I only grabbed this chair to only look at the stars," I said to her. She didn't push me so she went back to her table, something inside of me wasn't settling with me, maybe she meant that she doesn't want me to be alone. I motioned her over and asked, "Were you only over here because you don't want me to be alone?" "Of course," she said, "I get it, you are not from around these parts. I totally understand on where you are coming from." I guess she convinced me to be over at the table, I felt really uncomfortable because the guys were eyeing me and the other girls were giving me glares. The nice one asked, "What's your name, sweetie?" "I'm Akari Itsuki Kurosaki," I said, noticing that I had taken Ichigo's last name. It has a nice ring to it, alright? I mean I loved the name Hitsugaya but I took a liking to Kurosaki, then I told her, "Some people call me Akari." "Nice to meet you, I'm Asteria Evarose," she said, "You can just call me Asteria." "That's a beautiful name," I said to her, "Asteria means Star right?" She nodded, "I'm from Greece." "Oh~ I bet it's lovely over there," I said, with my eyes sparkling again. She sees this and notices that I have protection with me, she chuckled, "It is lovely there." "Why were you looking at my dagger?" I asked, "I never leave without any protection on me, you don't know how many dangers I have dealt with." "You are the fighting type?" she asked. I told her, "Where I came from, protection is absolute necessary." "I see," she said, "Do you mind if I take a look at it?" "I don't show to random people who I just met," I said, changing my tone of voice. I went outside for a bit, then one of guys came out 5 minutes later then decided to creep me out by flirting with me endlessly, shit, he got me cornered I can't get Shadow Phoenix out, then I heard a deep voice shouting, "Hey! Leave her alone!" The guy looked, starting shaking and went running, it was Chad who saved me, I went to him, thanked him, he nodded, looked to his right. There was Ichigo with a worried look on his face, he asked, "What were you thinking?" "You said so yourself, I'm starting to open to more people," I said. I looked to where Asteria was, she knew that the guy she was with was going to do something nasty, she basically threw him out of her table, apparently her friends didn't like her choosing me over them. She came over and said, "I'm so sorry about that, I swear I wasn't friends with them in the beginning." "You weren't?" I asked. Asteria looks at me then goes, "They said if I don't become their friends, they would've killed me and my family." "So they took you as a hostage," I said. She nodded, "And they let my family go, took me with them, this happened in Greece." "Wait, so, you are fluent in Greek?" I asked. She nodded, "I can teach you." "Please, that would make me so thrilled," I said, squealing. She giggled, "Sure, just as long as you continue to never treat me like they treated me." "Why would I do that?" I asked, "I would never besides that would mean that I successfully made my own friend." "Your own friend? What do you mean?" she asked. I told her, "I was only accepted to a group of friends that my step brother has made to get me started." "Oh I see," she said, "What's your brothers name?" "His name is Ichigo Kurosaki," I said. Ichigo was still there, Asteria looks at him, back at me, asks, "Aren't you the one that put a glass shard near the neck of my former friend, Natsume?" I blinked, twice, then nodded, Asteria told me, "Good thing you did, she was the one that was sitting in front of Uryu." "What happened to her?" I asked, "She didn't pass away after what I did, did she?" "Hm? Oh no, she needed a couple days to think of what to do," she said, "You practically saved her from her ex boyfriend who was constantly controlling her on what to do." "I did that?" I said, confused as all hell. Ichigo asked, "What happened to Natsume?" "She's currently in your hospital, Ichigo," said Asteria, "You should know, her ex tried to kill her then something stopped her." Then Chad and Ichigo looked at me, I said, "I couldn't done that." Then I pulled out my dagger, Asteria asked, "It's not a regular dagger is it?" "No it's not," I said to her. I looked at her, she seems to believe that she knows that I am not really from this world, she asked, "Where did you come from?" "Pardon?" I said, confused. She said, "I believe in many things, who saved Natsume was pure and good, was that you or someone else?" "It was someone else," I said, "This 'dagger' is not really what you think, I only made her look like this because who would wants to see a gigantic Scythe inside of any building here." "Scythe?" she said, tilting her head. I led her to a rooftop so I could show her, she sees the Scythe, I looked at the Scythe, asking, "Mother, can you show yourself to Asteria?" Shadow Phoenix showed herself to Asteria, tells her, "I was the one who saved your friend Natsume, Asteria." "Thank you, what happened to her ex?" asked Asteria. Shadow Phoenix chuckled, "Let's just he's roaming around as a spirit now." "Mother, he's gonna haunt her," I told her. She says, "Fear not, for my power shows on who they really were, he didn't mean to do all those things to her, he was controlled by his parents so he deserved the lost of the current relationship he had with Natsume." "What was his name?" I asked. Asteria answered, "Natsume never told me his name because she was frightened by him." "His name was Azuma Kimiko," said Shadow Phoenix, "Azuma means East and Kimiko means Prince." "Oh wow," said Asteria. After all that was said and done, I walked back to Ichigo's home but instead I went to check up on how Natsume was doing, Isshin led me to her room, she was awake when I walked in, she sees me, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry after what I did to you." "Relax, I just came here to check up on you," I said, "Are you doing alright after what happened?" "Yes, you were the one who gave me the strength of standing up for myself against him," she said. Then I told her on why Azuma was acting like that towards her, she notices this, then I told her, "Though he has been through rough times, I don't think he will be welcomed into the Soul Society until he can redeem himself." "Soul Society? What do you mean by that?" she asked. I told her everything on what happened, she seems to understand on what he has to do, she asked, "Can you see him? If so, where is he?" I looked around and I found him sitting in the chair in the corner of her room, I pointed to the chair, "He's over there, looking ashamed of what he has done to you."

[lastbluetardis]

And Babies Make Five and Six (8/16)

Summary: Sometimes the things we want the most stay just out of reach. But after an extra helping of heartache as they try for a third baby, James and Rose are blessed with double the joy.

Trigger warning for infertility for select chapters–this is one of those chapters.

Ten x Rose AU

This chapter: NSFW (not very explicit), 10,300 words (another long one)

We’re finally at the climax of the story! This chapter was so hard to write, in more ways than one. I rewrote this approximately ten million times, and I’m really proud of it. 

Betaed by the marvelous @chocolatequeennk. This is also for @doctorroseprompts and actually for a real prompt this time! It’s for the domestics prompt (yeah yeah, I know it’s not in the TARDIS, but it’s still life at home).

AO3 | TSP | FF | Perfectly Matched Series

Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch5 | Ch6 | Ch7 | Ch8 | Ch9 | Ch10 | Ch11 | Ch12 | Ch13 | Ch14 | Ch15 | Ch16

James took the lead on planning their trip to Paris, and by the time December first arrived, he’d booked a hotel suite and arranged a flight for them.

December passed in a blur. For Rose, she was busy scheduling holiday shoots and arranging her team’s holiday vacation schedules. For James, he was swamped with frantic students panicking about their final exams.

But finally it was time to drive to Scotland to celebrate the holidays. They only arrived on Christmas Eve this year; it was the soonest Rose could take off work, considering she was taking off the week after the New Year.

The combined giddiness of being in the Scotland manor and the impending arrival of Santa Claus made it difficult to get the girls to go to bed. They were wound up during the final Christmas film of the night—How the Grinch Stole Christmas!—and they asked to watch another movie all throughout their bedtime routine.

“You know the rules,” James reprimanded as he oversaw Sianin’s clumsy attempts at brushing her teeth. He stepped in to help with her molars when he saw she was content just to brush her front teeth.

“But Daddy!”

“But whatty?” he whined, grinning when she giggled through a foamy mouth of toothpaste. “Rinse and spit.”

He then guided her to the room across the hall from the master suite, where Rose was tucking Ainsley into the full-sized bed that the girls would be sharing. Sianin took a running leap and jumped on top of her sister.

“Santa’s comin’ Ainsley!” she shrieked, bouncing excitedly.

“I know, Sian,” she answered, her eyes lit up in excitement. She turned to face James. “D’you think he’ll like the biscuits we left out?”

“Definitely,” he said, eager to scarf down the biscuits that were on the coffee table as soon as the girls were asleep. “But it’s time to sleep. And remember, no presents ‘til seven.” He pointed to a clock on the wall, where Rose had put a sticker of a Christmas gift on the ‘7’. “Right, Sian? Seven o’clock.”

“Seven o’clock is present time,” she parroted, wriggling under the covers. “Coffee then presents.”

James and Rose shared a laugh, and they fussed with the blankets, making sure each child was comfy and warm enough.

“Goodnight,” he whispered, leaning over Sianin to give Ainsley a kiss. He then kissed Sianin’s forehead. “I love you both.”

“Night, Daddy.”

He stood from the bed and watched Rose kiss their daughters, then flicked off the light and shut the door.

They retired to the living room to place the gifts beneath the tree and munch on the plate of biscuits. Just as they were about to call it a night and head to bed, knowing tomorrow morning would come way too soon, they saw headlights through the front window.

A few minutes later, the front door of the manor opened.

“It’s started snowing!”

James and Rose walked to greet Donna and her family. Flecks of snow were in her hair and she was positively glowing. Married life was suiting her well.

“Maybe Ainsley and Sianin will wake up to a white Christmas,” Rose mused. She stepped forward and offered hugs to Donna, Lee, and Wilf, and a tight smile to Sylvia. Even after all these years, the woman still put her on edge. But she seemed to be in a good mood that night. “Merry Christmas, everyone.”

“We’ve g-g-got a bit of n-n-news,” Lee said excitedly, wrapping his arm around Donna’s waist.

“We’re pregnant!” she cried, giggling.

Rose’s heart dropped and she heard a dull ringing in her ears. James stiffened beside her and she hoped he had the good sense of smiling.

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Rose said. Her cheeks hurt as she forced a grin across her face. Her mouth felt dry.

“It’s funny, we weren’t trying or anything,” Donna said. She passed her hand over her flat belly, and Rose felt slightly nauseous to watch Lee rest his hand atop hers. “It just sort of happened, y’know?”

Rose felt a hand fumble for hers, and she reached out to twine her fingers through James’s. She squeezed, and her nose burned with welling tears. It wasn’t fair that Donna got pregnant without even trying.

“Congratulations.” James’s voice sounded slightly hollow, but in their elation, Rose doubted Donna and Lee even noticed.

“You still have all of your old baby things, don’t you?”

Rose turned her attention from the happy, expecting couple to Sylvia. For the first time in Rose’s memory, Sylvia looked proud of her daughter.

Her words finally sank in, and Rose’s stomach knotted, knowing exactly where Sylvia was headed.

“Why don’t you donate it to Donna and Lee?” Sylvia continued. “Money’s a bit tight for them, what with the new mortgage and all…”

“Mum!” Donna hissed.

But Sylvia kept speaking. “…And you obviously don’t need it anymore.”

Tears welled up in Rose’s throat, making it hard to breathe. James’s hand was clenched so hard around hers that it hurt, and she knew her grip was just as tight. She wanted to snap at Sylvia that that was none of her damn business, but she knew if she opened her mouth she was going to burst into tears.

James, however, seemed slightly more composed. His voice was hard when he asked, “And what makes you think Rose and I are done having more children?”

Sylvia blinked. “Aren’t you?”

“No,” Rose whispered, and she squeezed James’s hand one last time before she slipped hers out of his grasp. She turned and walked passed Robert, who was looking at her so sadly that it made her first tear fall, and she moved down the hall to the master bedroom.

She paced around the room as she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, willing her tears away. She only had a few seconds before James would come find her. She could currently hear raised voices from the front room, and she had half a mind to go back out and tell them there were children trying to sleep just the next room over.

Thirty seconds later, a knock sounded on the closed door.

“Rose?”

“Yeah, come in,” she called, wiping at her eyes.

James slipped into the room and shut the door behind him. He stepped up to her and wrapped her into a hug. Neither of them spoke, and a few minutes later, another knock sounded on their bedroom room. Donna’s voice came from the other side. “Can I come in?”

James looked down at Rose, and when she nodded, he called her in.

Donna slipped through the door then latched it behind her.

“I am so sorry,” she said, her face tight with worry. “I didn’t realize Mum would say that. We didn’t know you’ve been trying for another baby… Even still, she shouldn’t have said that.”

“Thanks,” James said.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel badly about…” She gestured vaguely at her stomach, and Rose gave her a small but genuine smile.

“Don’t. This really is wonderful news,” she said sincerely. “A baby will change everything, but it’s such a good change.”

She stepped up to enfold Donna in a hug, then started asking when she was due and how she was feeling.

The snow had continued overnight, and though not much accumulated, there was a fine dusting of white coating everything the next morning. Ainsley was entranced at the sight, and they watched the sun rise through the tree line and sparkle across the fresh snow.

But the excitement of snow dimmed when they saw the pile of presents beneath the tree, and by the time all of the gifts were opened, the snow had melted in the morning sun.

Christmas passed in the same manner as previous years, though it seemed like tension had settled over the house. Whenever somebody congratulated Donna and Lee or asked them about the baby, Rose could feel everybody’s gaze flicker to her and James. She wanted to shout at everybody to mind their own bloody business, but instead, she actively engaged in the conversation about Donna’s pregnancy with gusto, forcing down her bitterness as she did so.

Luckily Ainsley and Sianin didn’t realize anything was amiss, and their presence was one of the only things keeping Rose from going mad.

It was finally time for her and James to head to the airport for their flight to Paris.

James felt on edge for the first day of their trip. After he and Rose checked into the honeymoon suite he’d booked for them, they decided to sightsee. Donning jackets, hats, and scarves, they stepped out into the chilly Paris street and started to walk, with no real destination in mind.

His hand brushed against hers, and he felt something unclench in his stomach when she fumbled to twine their gloved fingers together. She gave his hand a squeeze as she stepped closer to him and rested her head against his arm.

“It’s amazing here,” she marveled, her breath puffing out in front of her face. She looked up at him and flashed him a genuine smile that went all the way to her eyes. His lungs hitched at how beautiful she looked. “Thanks for suggesting we come here. We needed this.”

He nodded mutely and leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead.

It was impossible to not feel the romance of the city. The beauty of the old architecture was everywhere, and all of the restaurants seemed to be designed for couples.

The day of their anniversary, they went shopping for nice dinner clothes to wear that night. James found a smart-looking suit rather quickly, and he shivered when he saw Rose’s eyes darken when he stepped out of the dressing room to model it for her. She hadn’t looked at him that way in so long. While they hadn’t made love yet on their trip, James was hopeful that tonight would be the night.

After purchasing the suit and giving their room address for delivery, he walked with Rose to find a dress for her. They spent the next two hours in the shops, and James felt a little bad that he had no opinions, but he thought she looked fantastic in everything.

When she eventually decided on a little black dress that would complement his suit, James excused himself for a few minutes.

“Loo break,” he lied smoothly, and he pecked a kiss to her cheek and slipped out of the store. He wandered across the street to a jewelry store to pick up the order he had placed a couple weeks ago. He pocketed his gift to Rose, then joined her in the shop, where she was finishing paying for her dress.

Their evening was perfect, and James couldn’t have been happier. Rose was delighted when he showed her the earrings he’d bought for her. Platinum metal had been worked into the shape of a rose, with a diamond set into the center.

“Oh, these are beautiful,” she gasped when she opened the box.

“They’re a new design,” James said. “When I saw them, I couldn’t resist.”

“They’re absolutely wonderful.” She carefully took them out of the box and put them in her ears. When they were secure, she rocked onto her toes and pecked a kiss to his lips before turning away from him. She moved to her purse and reached into a side pocket, where she withdrew an envelope.

He took it from her and pulled out two pieces of paper. Admission tickets for Palais de la Découverte, a science museum right there in Paris.

“I know we said we wouldn’t have a formal itinerary,” Rose said as he scanned the back of the tickets for the various exhibits, “but this looked like something you would love.”

“Thank you,” he said earnestly. “But what about you?”

She furrowed her brows. “What about me?”

“It’s our anniversary,” he said. “Surely a stuffy old science museum won’t interest you.”

“And you’re saying the stuffy old art museum we toured yesterday interested you?” she shot back.

He felt his neck grow warm.

“Well… the art was pretty,” he said sheepishly. “But you loved it so much and listening to you explain everything to me made it much more fun and interesting.”

She smiled softly at him. “You do know I feel the same way when you talk science to me, yeah? I love seeing you get all excited. I know we have vastly different interests and different definitions of what we call fun, but as long as I’m with you, anything is fun.”

James’s heart fluttered in his chest, and he fell in love with his wife all over again. He stepped up to her and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist as he ducked down to press his lips to hers. She smiled into the kiss, and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Thank you very much,” he whispered, pulling back from the kiss to look down at her. “I’m really excited. They’ve got a planetarium! I haven’t been to one of those in years!”

“I’ve never been,” Rose said, seeming to catch onto his enthusiasm.

“What?” James squawked. “How have I been your husband for eleven years and not taken you to a planetarium before?”

“Dunno, but we ought to get going. The taxi’ll be here soon.”

He nodded and pressed a parting kiss to her forehead before he stepped away from her. He grabbed her coat from the rack and held it open for her. When she fastened all of the buttons, he offered her his arm and affected a posh accent to say, “Dinner awaits, milady.”

She giggled and looped her arm through his. “Lead the way, good sir.”

He guided her to the taxi he’d called for and helped her into the back seat before he walked around to the other side. They were driven fifteen minutes across town to an elegant and expensive-looking restaurant. The floors were a dark, glossy tile with a long, narrow rug that spanned from the front door to the host’s desk.

“Reservation for Tyler-McCrimmon,” James said as they approached.

They were taken back immediately, and James admired the restaurant’s interior. Chandeliers hung across the ceiling, bathing the restaurant in a soft, yellow glow. The tables were spaced far enough apart to give illusions of privacy.

James pulled out Rose’s chair for her before he sat across from her.

The ambience of the restaurant created a quiet intimacy for them, and when they weren’t holding hands, their legs were intertwined beneath the tablecloth. The wine they drank made them warm and bubbly, and when they swayed together on the dance floor, they stole kisses until they couldn’t stand the need for propriety anymore. They paid for their meal and waited in the lobby for their taxi.

As the driver took them back to their hotel, they snogged in the backseat until they were broken apart by an awkwardly-cleared throat. James paid the man then wrapped his hand around Rose’s and guided her back to their room. As soon as the door closed, Rose pulled him down for a kiss. They snogged lazily against the door for many long minutes, teasing each other with kisses and touches until they were both aroused beyond coherence.

When he suspected Rose was going to suggest they go to bed, James began kissing his way down her chest, then he dropped to his knees. He heard her inhale sharply, guessing his intent, and he smirked to himself as he hiked up the skirt of her dress and slipped her knickers down her legs.

“You’re beautiful,” he mumbled against her hip as he kissed and nipped his way to her inner thigh. She parted her legs for him, and he pressed one last kiss to the seam where her thigh met her hip before he moved his mouth to where she was wet and throbbing for him.

It barely took any time at all, much to James’s delight. As he licked and sucked and caressed her in all the ways he knew she loved, she cried her appreciation and her pleasure, until she finally lost herself to her orgasm, panting his name as he worked her though it.

Her thighs trembled and her chest heaved, and James felt relieved. He guessed he hadn’t lost his touch after all. And when they eventually stumbled to bed, kissing and pawing at each other’s clothes, he settled between her thighs to give her another orgasm. When they finally joined together, he coaxed a third orgasm from her before he followed her in bliss and pleasure.

As she lay beside him, boneless and out of breath, James felt more at peace than he had in a long time.

The rest of their trip passed with them both in good spirits. They didn’t make love every night, but James wasn’t too bothered, not when Rose was looking at him like he hung the stars for her as they played tourist around Paris.

The made love on their last night in Paris, and similarly to their anniversary night, James worshipped Rose and her body until she tipped over in pleasure three times.

Upon coming home, James was relieved that the tenderness between him and Rose remained. They had regular movie date nights after the kids went to bed, and even if they didn’t make love after every date, they often snogged like teens on the sofa during most of the film.

Rose seemed happier than he’d seen her in months, and her attitude was infectious. The new year seemed to bring with it a new start for him and Rose. They rekindled the spark that had been missing, and it felt like the weight of the world was no longer on his shoulders.

When Rose’s period arrived a week and a half later, they weren’t surprised. She’d reached peak ovulation the day after Boxing Day, and what with the busyness of the holidays, they’d only managed to squeeze in one round of lovemaking before traveling to Scotland.

However, it seemed to shatter the illusion they were under, and once again, their intimacy cooled. James wanted to cry when he saw himself and Rose falling back into their regular routine. Wake up, get the kids ready, a kiss goodbye—if they remembered—go to work, collect the kids, come home, have dinner, have family time, put the kids to bed, go to bed. Repeat. They rarely had a date night until Rose entered her fertile cycle. They didn’t make love any other time, either.

James stopped initiating sex outside of her ovulation cycle, knowing he would be shot down nine times out of ten. His confidence in himself and in their relationship was all but gone. As the end of February approached, bringing them back to Rose’s fertile cycle, James found it difficult to engage in sex.

Despite himself, he couldn’t help but think that Rose didn’t want him anymore. Their anniversary had convinced him otherwise, for a brief period of time, but obviously the magic spell was broken, and Rose was back to being indifferent to him. He hated it, and he hated himself, and some nights, he hated Rose too. He wished they’d never started trying for a third baby. Maybe then his wife would still be in love with him.

oOoOo

Rose didn’t bother putting on pajamas, as she knew they would only be coming off later that night when James came to bed. She was two days in to her ovulation cycle, meaning they were due for another shag.

But when James came to bed nearly an hour later, he went through his usual nightly routine then turned off the light. It wasn’t unusual for them to shag in the dark, but it seemed like darkness was becoming the new normal for their lovemaking sessions.

James crawled into bed and leaned over to press a kiss to her lips. It was chaste and static, with just lips and no tongue or movement of their mouths at all. Rose reached up and twined her fingers into his hair to deepen the kiss as she tried to tug him closer, urging him on top of her.

“Wait, Rose, no,” he said, pulling away. “No, Rose. Not tonight. I’m really not in the mood.”

Rose dropped her hands and had to bite back the protest. She was ovulating. They only had a small window of opportunity before she became infertile again, and they had to make the most of this time. But he’d said no. She would not force him to have sex with her when he didn’t want it.

“Okay,” she said softly. All of a sudden, she felt exposed by being so naked. She wished she could get up and put on at least a t-shirt, but getting out of bed to put clothes on felt too awkward. James had seen her naked hundreds, if not thousands, of times, and she hated that she felt so uncomfortable around him right now.

She swallowed down the acidic taste in the back of her mouth and rolled over to try to go to sleep. But sleep didn’t come as swiftly as she wanted. She couldn’t help but feel so defeated. It was almost three years since they decided to try for another baby. But it was only recently, within the last year and a half or so, that she’d really felt the heartbreak of their failure. Of her failure. Of her body’s failure. James never said anything to indicate it, but he must be getting frustrated with her. He wanted another child so badly, but she was keeping it from happening and he was just too nice and polite to tell her.

But if he wanted a baby so badly, he should know that they needed to have sex when she was ovulating for that to happen. Then a thought struck her that made her insides go cold. What if he just wasn’t attracted to her anymore? Wouldn’t that explain why he didn’t seem interested in sex anymore? Why they made love—no, shagged—in the dark? Why he got it over with as quickly as he could? Why he’d just rejected her?

Rose squeezed her eyes shut against a swell of tears as she worked on convincing herself that her soulmate still wanted her.

The following day, Rose worked out how she could try to woo James. She made arrangements with Robert for him to pick the girls up and keep them for the night. After work, she went to the grocery store to gather the ingredients for the dinner she’d planned for them.

When she got home, she cleaned the house and put the girls’ toys in the box in the corner of the living room. With a half hour to go until James was off work, she quartered potatoes on a baking sheet and seasoned them before slipping them into the oven and setting the timer for an hour. She then went to get a quick shower so she could shave her legs and feel clean and fresh when her husband got home.

She wrapped her hair in a towel then moved to her dresser to find the matching bra and knickers set that James particularly enjoyed. It was a lovely dark plum set that he had given to her on last year’s birthday. The bra did wonders for her breasts by accentuating her cleavage, and the knickers were so comfy, despite the skimpiness of it.

With her underwear on, Rose moved to blow dry her hair until it fell in soft waves around her shoulders, then she reapplied her makeup with a light hand. After that was done, she moved to her closet and picked out a soft cotton dress that clung to her curves nicely.

Feeling rather pretty, Rose skipped to the kitchen to get the rest of dinner started. She seasoned the salmon and green beans. When the timer reached fifteen minutes left, she took it out and put the salmon and green beans onto the sheet. She slid the food back into the oven.

James was due home any minute, but she wanted to give him a minute to freshen up if he wanted to before they sat down to dinner. As the food cooked, she worked on lighting candles around their home as she picked up her iPad and made a romantic playlist.

But the oven timer went off fifteen minutes later, and James still wasn’t home. She kept their food in the oven to stay warm as she went to see how much longer James would be.

“Dinner’s getting cold,” she texted, sending a winking kiss emoji.

It took a few minutes, but finally he replied with, You and the girls start without me.

Her heart fell. “The girls are at your dad’s. I thought you and I could have dinner alone tonight.”

I’m not done here. Sorry. Save me a plate.

Rose set her phone down on the table with more force than necessary as she scraped her fingers through her hair. She felt hurt and annoyed, but more than that, she felt humiliated and rejected. She’d tried so hard to make a perfect night for her and James, but he didn’t want anything to do with it or her.

Feeling stupid, she blew out the candles and turned off the music before walking down the hall to get out of her nice clothes. She washed her face of makeup and changed into her comfiest pajama set, which incidentally included one of James’s shirts. It had stopped smelling like him a long time ago, but she still loved wearing it.

Deciding to not waste the food she’d made, she plated her dinner and put a second serving on a different plate, which she set in the microwave for James for whenever he decided to come home.

After she finished her dinner, she packed up the leftovers and stuck them in the fridge for tomorrow, then grabbed a carton of ice cream and settled onto the couch to let one of her favorite movies soothe her aching heart.

But not even The Runaway Bride could help, especially when she remembered why it was a favorite of hers. It was one of their go-to date night films, when she and James decided they wanted a quiet night in together. They both knew the movie by heart, and James would often act out the scenes—quite terribly and with outrageous accents—just to make her laugh.

Tears filled her eyes at the memories of James quoting the more romantic moments of the movie, to which she would usually catch his lips in a kiss and they’d spend the rest of the film making out on the sofa. She ached to get back to that. It was what she wanted for her date with James tonight. A nice supper together, maybe dancing together if a song they both liked dancing to came on, then a movie together on the sofa.

Even if they didn’t get around to making love, that would’ve been fine. She just wanted to have a romantic night with James. But it seemed he didn’t want to have a romantic night with her.

The ice cream sat as a hard lump in her stomach and left her feeling half-nauseated. She set the carton to the side and swiped at her stinging nose as her first tear fell. James had to have known this was a date, and still he didn’t want to come home.

Her chest hurt at the realization that her husband wasn’t attracted to her anymore. He couldn’t even bring himself to have sex with her anymore, outside of ovulation. But judging from the night before, he was even putting that off as much as he could.

Tears streamed down her cheeks and it felt like she couldn’t breathe. Sobs ripped up her throat as she tried to figure out why James didn’t want her anymore. He’d said time and time again that she was all he would ever want, but he obviously was wrong.

She just wanted her husband back. She wanted it to be like it was before when they were so in love with each other and they could make each other happy. Before she was beaten down every month as she failed to get pregnant. She didn’t want to feel this broken anymore, and more than anything, she wanted James to want her again.

Meanwhile, across town, James finally shut down his computer and gathered up his bag and keys. It was dark when he stepped outside, and his gurgling stomach reminded him of how late it really was. At least there would be a plate of food waiting for him when he got home, even if his daughters weren’t. His dad must’ve asked to take them for the night. Thinking back, James remembered his dad telling him he’d wanted to take the girls to a play. He thought it wasn’t until next month, but he shrugged to himself. He must’ve gotten the dates wrong.

The house was relatively dark when he got home, minus the light from a lamp in the living room and the glow from the TV. He heard the familiar dialogue of one of his favorite movies, and an ache of longing lodged in his chest. He and Rose hadn’t watched that movie in longer than he could remember, and he wondered why Rose would choose to watch that particular movie, especially when he wasn’t there to watch it with her. Unless the movie wasn’t as special to Rose as it was to him. That thought sent a stab of pain through his chest.

He sighed and set his keys in the dish and moved to heat up something for supper. His stomach rumbled when he saw the plate of salmon in the microwave. While he loved dinners with his daughters, he enjoyed when he and Rose ate alone and could cook adult food that the girls wouldn’t touch. There were times when he or Rose would make two different meals, but that was often too time-consuming and thus they were left eating foods compatible with a child’s palate.

As the meal heated up, James turned to leave the kitchen, but he stopped when he noticed the candles on the table. They were half-burnt down. He glanced around the kitchen and saw Rose’s iPad hooked to their stereo.

A heavy weight settled into his stomach. That weight hardened when he walked to their bedroom and he saw a dress and his favorite lingerie set on the floor.

“Oh, shit,” he whispered, realizing that Rose had intended for them to have a date night. And he’d mucked it up. “Shit!”

He shed his work clothes and pulled on casual clothes before going to apologize to his wife.

“Rose, I…”

The sight that greeted him nearly stopped his heart. Rose was bent double and wracked with sobs on the sofa. The sound of her gasping breaths restarted his heart and made it pound throughout his body as he rushed up to her. He felt numb as his brain frantically came to conclusions as to why she was crying so hard, and he prayed that his daughters were okay.

“Rose, what is it?” he asked, rushing up to her. He moved the carton of melted ice cream from the sofa cushion so he could sit down beside her. “What happened? What’s the matter?”

Impossible though it seemed, she began crying harder when he wrapped his arms around her. His body was shaking as he tried to get her calm enough to tell him what had her so upset.

“Please, you’re scaring me,” he whispered.

Rose gasped in a breath and manage to choke out something that sounded like “you don’t want me”.

“What?” he asked, sure he misheard her.

Rose drew in several shuddering breaths and sniffed hard before she whimpered, “I don’t know why you don’t want me anymore! It hurts so much.”

James’s eyes burned and his stomach roiled. What did she mean he didn’t want her? He would always want her.

“Rose, love, calm down,” he said. “Breathe for me. Deep breaths. And tell me again. Why on Earth do you think I don’t want you?”

“You didn’t want to come home for our date!” she wailed, her face crumpling again. Before he could tell her that he didn’t realize she’d planned for them to have a date, she continued. “Because you don’t want to have sex with me because you’re not attracted to me anymore.”

James clenched his jaw. “Excuse me? I don’t want to have sex with you?”

Rose sniffled and rubbed her hands across her face.

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to have sex with me,” he snapped, his voice cracking as his eyes stung with tears. “Unless you’re fertile, that is.” The insecurities James had been harboring for months reared up. “The only time you ever initiate sex anymore is when you’re ovulating. I’ve just become a bloody sperm donor, Rose! D’you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like my wife doesn’t love me. It makes me feel dirty and used!”

His voice had risen in volume as his hurt and loneliness from the last six months surfaced. But when he saw Rose’s face crumple again, he knew shouting wouldn’t help anything. She was hurting, too.

He inhaled deeply until he didn’t feel like shouting anymore, then he rested his hand at her knee.

“It hurts to feel used, Rose. You haven’t wanted to make love with me unless it was at a time you could’ve gotten pregnant. I know we’re trying for a baby, but it’s so hard to want to have sex, or to enjoy it, when it feels like I can’t pleasure you anymore.”

“What?” Rose asked, frowning. “You pleasure me all the time.”

“I don’t, actually,” James retorted. “You hardly ever orgasm when we make love. For the past few months, you’ve rejected my advances, and so I got nervous to even ask, which is why I stopped initiating sex. I thought you just weren’t into it anymore. But then when we did have sex, you wanted to focus on me, and that made me feel even worse because it was so obvious you didn’t want to be having sex.”

“That’s not true,” Rose said quietly.

“Well how was I supposed to know that?”

She shrugged and sniffled, and rubbed the back of her hand across her nose. James leaned forward for the box of tissues and he grabbed a handful. As Rose blew her nose, he stood and told her he was going to get them a glass of water.

When he entered the kitchen, the reminder of their blown date night made his stomach twist. The smell of his reheated dinner made him feel sick, even though he’d been famished when he got home. He ignored the microwave and instead grabbed two glasses from the cupboard and filled them with water from the pitcher in the fridge.

When he returned, Rose had turned off the TV and was mangling her tissue between her fingers.

“I’m sorry, James,” Rose murmured as he sat down beside her. She took the glass he offered to her and brought it to her lips for a small sip. “I’m sorry I’ve been blind to your feelings. I’d been so caught up in conceiving another baby that I didn’t think of you, and that’s awful of me to say, and I hate that it’s true.”

James sighed and Rose turned her head to meet his gaze. Dark shadows were under his eyes, and he looked so much older than she had ever seen.

“I feel like it’s my fault that we’ve struggled to conceive,” he whispered.

“No, James, it’s not—”

“But that’s how I feel,” he interrupted. “I felt like it was all down to me. I’m the one with the sperm, so obviously it’s my fault that we’re not getting pregnant because your body is fertile and ready to go. My sperm are the ones failing.”

Rose sucked in a sharp breath as anger swelled up inside of her. But my body isn’t ready to go, she thought bitterly. Not always. Not like yours is.

“How dare you,” she hissed, feeling hot tears prickle behind her eyes again. “How dare you!”

James blinked over at her in confusion, which made her anger spike, bringing with it all of the feelings of inadequacy she’d been harboring.

“Your body doesn’t live on a fertile cycle,” she said. Her hands were shaking so badly that she thought she might spill her water. She reached over and set it on the end table. “Your body is always fertile! But me? I have a five-day window to get pregnant. Five days, James! So how dare you say that my body is ready to go. It is not ready to go, and that kills me. I’m the limiting factor here. It’s my bloody fault that we only have a few days a month to try and make a baby, and if it didn’t happen, we had to wait another month to try again. And that was all my fault!”

Her tears spilled over, and she turned away from him as she tried to brush them away. But when James touched her shoulder and whispered, “Oh, Rose,” there was no stopping them. She hugged her middle as she tried to breathe, and when his grip on her shoulder tightened as he tugged her to him, she willingly went into his waiting embrace.

“Oh, Rose,” he whispered again, and she heard the anguish in his voice. “Rose, I am so sorry. I didn’t even think of it like that.” He wrapped his arms around her more tightly, tucking his head so his face was nestled in her shoulder. She clung to him, shaking as she tried to control her tears, and for a few silent minutes, he held her and rocked her gently as she cried for all of the hurt she’d been pushing down for too many months.

“For over a year now, I’ve felt so guilty,” she rasped. “Since the fertility tests. I only have a brief window of time to conceive a baby. And I kept failing you.”

His arms tightened around her. “No, Rose. No. You did not fail me. You could never fail me. Never ever. God, Rose. I had no idea you’d been pressuring yourself like that for so long. It wasn’t all down to you, love.”

James continued speaking softly to her as her tears fell, and Rose melted closer to him. Finally opening up to James and having him so vehemently dispel all of the fears she’d harbored of him resenting her lifted an enormous weight off of her chest.

Once her tears stopped, Rose pulled back and wiped her eyes dry. She sniffed against her running nose, and she turned away from him to find a tissue. She blew her nose noisily and tried to slow her breathing.

“Let’s finish our water then go to bed,” James suggested after they’d been sitting quietly for a few minutes.

While Rose was tempted to take him up on this offer—she was so bloody tired—she couldn’t. Not until they’d finished talking.

She shook her head. “No, we’re not done with this conversation yet. You said you felt guilty for a lack of conception.”

James dropped his head and muttered, “It doesn’t matter now. I was being insensitive and selfish.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Rose said. “You’re still hurt.”

James sniffed hard. She kept her head on his shoulder and rubbed her hand soothingly up and down his thigh as she waited for him to speak. But when he still wasn’t saying anything, she prompted, “You said you felt like it was your fault we weren’t conceiving. Which is ridiculous, just so you know. None of this is your fault. Okay? None of it.”

“How is it not?” he murmured miserably. “You and your eggs are perfectly healthy—”

“And you and your sperm are perfectly healthy,” she said, reaching out to take his hand. “We’ve been tested. We’re both healthy.”

“But—”

“No, James,” Rose said firmly. “I won’t let you do this to yourself. I won’t let you take the blame for something that isn’t your fault. Okay? If I’m not to blame for not getting pregnant, you aren’t to blame either.”

He sniffled and pressed his fingertips into his eyes, and she let him compose himself.

“James?” she asked tentatively. “Earlier, you said… you said you felt like just a sperm donor. That I made you feel like that.”

Rose watched his body tense up as he stayed silent.

“James, love, I never ever thought of you as just a sperm donor,” she said fiercely. “Hey. Look at me.”

Rose waited for a few seconds, and James finally exhaled shakily and lifted his head. His face looked shut-off and cautious, and Rose hated it.

“James,” she whispered. “Please believe me. I’ve never thought of you as a sperm donor. How could I? You’re my husband, and my soulmate. You’re the father of our children. I could never demean you like that.”

James’s muscles all loosened at once as he sighed.

“Yeah, I know,” he murmured quietly. “But Rose… it killed me to watch you being so passive when we had sex. You just… lay there. And when you started faking… I thought I’d… I thought I didn’t satisfy you anymore. And that you hated our sex life… hated sex with me. And that that’s why we only began shagging when you were ovulating, because you couldn’t bear to be intimate with me anymore.”

“No,” she said immediately, her heart breaking. “No, James. That’s not it at all. Oh, God.”

She scooted closer to him until she could wrap her arms around his shoulders. He let out a whimper and hauled her closer to him. His fingers clenched into her shirt and his stubble scraped across her cheek then ear as he buried his face into her neck. Her back twinged as it was awkwardly stretched, and so she leveraged herself into his lap and then cradled his head to her shoulder as his tears fell. They were hot and wet against her neck, and her eyes prickled in response to his pain.

“Oh, James.” She stroked her hand down the back of his head, hoping her fingers in his hair would calm it as it usually did. She turned her head and pressed her lips to the side of his head and kept them there as she murmured, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She didn’t think it was possible, but he managed to cling to her more tightly. The sounds of his stifled sobs broke her heart, and she let her own tears fall as she finally realized the agony he had been in for months.

“James, I didn’t hate—I don’t hate our sex life. Never.” She begged for him to believe her. “I had just gotten to the point where it felt like a chore. Like a means to an end. And I should have told you how I felt, but I didn’t know how. I’m so, so sorry I’ve made you feel inadequate, or like I was using you. Please believe me when I say that you are more than adequate.”

“I got so scared you didn’t want sex with me because I couldn’t pleasure you anymore,” he whispered raggedly. “And that you went through the motions when you were ovulating because it was necessary in order to make a baby. Then I thought maybe you were angry with me for not being fertile enough to get you pregnant. It’s all just been so hard lately, and I’ve been so, so scared, Rose, and I didn’t know what to do.”

She thought back to the times they’d been intimate over the last six months when it had seemed as though James had lost his attraction to her. She remembered all of the times he’d made love to her quickly, achieving orgasm in just a few minutes. While she hadn’t been in the right state of mind to take pleasure from their coupling, she loved watching him enjoy himself. There was nothing quite like holding him in her arms, feeling him moving inside of her, hearing him gasp her name as he reached the pinnacle of pleasure and spilled himself inside of her. She loved that moment, sharing that ultimate moment of intimacy and love with James.

So when he’d seemed to rush to get there, it had broken her heart. She’d thought he didn’t cherish their intimacy the way she did anymore.

But apparently she’d gotten it all wrong. She’d made James feel used and unloved. And in turn, that was how he made her feel.

“James, I never once thought you were unsatisfactory in bed. I love making love with you.”

“But I can’t make you come anymore,” he mumbled.

“That isn’t you, love,” she said softly. “I swear. You’re so wonderful and attentive to me. I’ve just had trouble enjoying sex because I felt the overwhelming pressure to conceive a baby. But believe me, I still loved watching you enjoy sex.”

“It was so hard to want to make love when I knew you didn’t want to,” James said. “Making love with you is something we do together. It something that’s just ours. And then you didn’t want it anymore, and that hurt. But of course I would never force you to make love when you didn’t want to. But then you didn’t even want to cuddle or kiss on the sofa or anything.”

“I thought I was being rude,” she whispered through numb lips. How had she misread this whole situation so completely? “I thought it was rude of me to want to make out with you but not make love afterwards.”

James sighed. “Your distance made me feel like you were upset with me. Upset that I wasn’t getting you pregnant, or that I was just being a rubbish husband and lover.”

“No. I was never angry with you for not getting me pregnant. It was kind of the opposite, actually,” she admitted. “I was angry at myself for being so infertile all the time, and then for failing even when I was fertile.” She took a deep breath, then continued, “And then I thought you just… I thought you weren’t attracted to me anymore.”

James lifted his head so fast that it cracked against Rose’s jaw. She rubbed the smarting area as she met James’s bloodshot gaze.

“How the hell did you come to that conclusion?” he demanded, wiping his eyes.

Rose shrugged. “I told you. I felt like I was failing you. And, well, I managed to convince myself that you thought I was a failure, too. I thought you’d been angry with me because I couldn’t conceive a baby, and I also thought you’d maybe just… I dunno… gotten bored with me. Between all of that and my feelings of failure, it was hard to enjoy our intimacy, or to feel like you were enjoying it.”

“Rose.” The hurt and betrayal was tangible in his voice. “You are the love of my life. You’re my soulmate. My wife! I promised to love you and cherish you and be your best friend for the rest of my life!”

“Even so, I could feel the apathy, James,” she rebutted. “It felt like you were indifferent to me and to our relationship, and it broke my heart.”

“I never meant to make you feel…”

“But I felt it anyway,” she interrupted.

James looked like he could argue, but instead, he worked his jaw for a few seconds. His shoulders slumped as he exhaled deeply.

“You’re right,” he said quietly. He reached up and cradled the side of her head in his hand as he leaned up to press his lips to her temple. “I am so sorry I’ve hurt you, Rose. I’m so sorry I made you doubt my love and devotion to you and our relationship. I promised to support you no matter what. Yes, I’ve been upset at our lack of conception, but never once was any of it directed at you. How could I possibly ever get upset with you over something like this?”

Rose shrugged and leaned into his chest again. She felt a little daft now, hearing him dispute her fears with such conviction.

She breathed in the smell of him and listened to the faint sound of his heartbeat. He wrapped his arms around her and they sat in silence for a few minutes, just holding each other. It was nice, Rose thought. It had been ages since they’d had a cuddle together.

She rubbed her fingertips through his arm hair as she steeled herself for her next thought. All of this hurting and heartache came about mostly from a lapse in communication, but also at their mutual stress and frustration of trying and failing to make a baby. She wanted another child so badly, but not at the cost of her relationship with James.

“I think we should stop trying for a baby,” she suggested quietly. “At least until we’re back in a good place. Because where we are right now, it’s not good. I’m so sorry, James.”

“It’s not all your fault,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head. “I should’ve spoken up sooner. But I kept holding onto the hope that each month would be the month when we’d get pregnant and everything would be all right again. I kept convincing myself over and over and over again.”

“I know. I told myself that, too.”

They sat quietly together for a few long minutes, just holding each other.

“I think you and I should go away together,” James murmured a few moments later. “Just you and me. So we can focus on being us again. Without the stress or pressure or expectation of pregnancy, and without the distraction of the girls.”

“Okay. Yeah, that sounds nice,” Rose said. “We can see if Mum or Dad can come stay with Ainsley and Sianin. Your term ends the week after next. We could plan to leave then. That Saturday, maybe?”

James shook his head. “Mother’s Day is that Sunday. I want you to be able to spend that day with Ainsley and Sianin. We could leave later that night, or the next day.”

“Let’s see if my mum or your dad can watch the girls that soon, first,” Rose said. “We may need to wait until after Sianin’s birthday.” She pecked a kiss to his jaw, then slid out of his lap. “But we can figure all of this out later. C’mon. Let’s go to bed.”

James nodded and pushed himself up. He grabbed her half-empty glass of water and downed the rest of it before putting the glasses into the sink. Together, they double-checked that the doors were locked, then they made their way down the hallway. Out of habit, Rose glanced into her daughters’ bedrooms, even though they were empty and the beds were made.

When they got to their bedroom, they moved around each other as they readied themselves for bed. Rose finished first and crawled under the blankets and listened to James brush his teeth. A few minutes later, he emerged and walked around to his side of the bed, where he slipped under the covers.

“Nighty night,” he whispered, his minty fresh breath puffing against her face as he leaned over and pecked a chaste kiss to her forehead.

He then rolled over and hugged the corner of the duvet to his chest.

Rose stared over at him, feeling a little lost and disappointed. After the conversation they’d just had, and how he’d held her in his lap for most of it, she anticipated a little more warmth from him. Though she supposed she shouldn’t have expected anything else. This was part of their routine. They each stayed on their own side of the bed and exchanged perfunctory kisses with each other before rolling away from each other. She hated it.

She wanted to go back to the days where there were no sides of the bed because they cuddled too close to distinguish where his half of the mattress ended and hers began. She wanted him to snuggle into her side if only for a few minutes before he would sleepily roll away, but have his leg kicked out so his foot was near hers. She yearned for those nights where they stayed up far too late just talking to each other.

But it had been months since they’d had that. She racked her brain, desperately trying to zero in on the moment it all fell apart, but she couldn’t.

Their eleventh anniversary was fine—perfect, really—but it was a fluke. They’d gone back to bad as soon as they returned home. Ainsley’s birthday… James’s birthday…

She grew more frantic as she skipped backwards in the months and her memories with James were still so cold.

Tears threatened, and she blinked them away impatiently.

“James?” she whispered, hoping they could cuddle for a bit before trying to sleep.

But he stayed on his side as he mumbled, “Hmm?”

The sight of his back remaining facing her broke her heart, and her tears fell.

“Never mind. Goodnight,” she whispered. She rolled over onto her side to have some semblance of privacy as she cried.

She curled into herself and tried to swallow her sobs, but it felt like she couldn’t breathe. She sniffled to clear her clogging nose and cringed at how loud it was in their quiet bedroom.

“Rose?” James shifted behind her, and then his body was pressed along her back. “Rose, love, what’s wrong?”

The endearment and the concern in his voice, coupled with the way his body was curled around hers, made her face crumple. Her lungs were screaming for air, so she gasped in a breath and exhaled out a sob.

“Oh, Rose. Shhh. C’mere. It’s okay. It’s okay. C’mere.”

He leaned away and tugged at her shoulder. Rose readily rolled over and she buried her face in his chest as her tears streamed down her cheeks.

“No, it’s not okay,” she whimpered. “What happened to us, James? Why are we so broken?”

“We’re not broken,” he whispered, rubbing her back slowly. “We’re just…”

He fell silent, and the fact that her husband, the person who seemingly knew every single English word known to man, couldn’t come up with a different word than ‘broken’ set her off again.

“Hey,” he murmured. “It’s okay. Breathe. Just breathe. We’re gonna be okay. I promise. We’re not broken. We’ve just lost our way a little. But lost things can always be found again, especially if two people are looking for it together. Because you and me, we’re still the best team there is. Eh?”

The confidence in his voice reassured her slightly. If James believed they could be fixed, and find what they’d lost in their relationship, she would trust him. More than that, she would work with him to get them back to good again.

She sniffled and draped an arm around his waist to hug him to her.

“I love you more than anything, Rose,” he whispered.

She squeezed her hand into a fist around his sleepshirt and held him tighter.

“I love you, too, James.”

He nuzzled his nose into her hair and pressed his lips to her forehead.

“What did you want to say earlier?” he asked.

“Just wanted a cuddle,” she answered.

He stiffened.

“And you didn’t think you could ask for one?”

The hurt in his voice was palpable, sending a dull ache through her chest and down into her stomach. She shrugged.

“I thought you were still angry with me.”

“Oh, Rose. No. I’m not angry with you. I never was. I just feel exhausted. And… and a little empty.”

Rose squeezed him and rubbed her hand across his back before she made to move away.

“Sorry. I’ll let you sleep now.”

But he tightened his grip around her. “No. Please. Can we keep cuddling for a little bit?”

Rose relaxed back into his embrace and nodded.

They were quiet for a few minutes, just holding each other and content to listen to each other breathe. The quiet intimacy was nice and relaxing; they hadn’t had that in far too long.

They both eventually drifted off to sleep, still twined together. Rose awoke sometime later to James shifting beside her. He pulled his arm out from under her neck, and he flexed his hand a few times.

“All right?” she mumbled, rolling onto her back. Her neck spasmed from the awkward position it had been in, and she slowly turned it from side to side.

“Pins and needles,” he answered. He let out a long, slow sigh and tugged the duvet up to his chin. He rolled over onto his side but angled his body so that his bum was close to her hip. “Nighty night.”

Rose patted his hip and closed her eyes to get more sleep.

She didn’t awake again until her alarm went off. Her mind was groggy and confused; she felt like she could sleep for a few more hours yet. She heard James shuffling around behind her and groaning softly as he woke up too.

She grabbed her phone and silenced the alarm, then sat up.

“How’d you sleep?” James mumbled.

She glanced down at him and saw his eyes were still closed, but he’d turned to face her and was hugging the duvet to his chest.

“Like a rock,” she said. He heaved out a sigh and his hair fell into his eyes as he arched his back. Rose stroked her fingers through his hair as she asked, “How’d you sleep?”

“All right,” he said. “Had some odd dreams. Dreams where it felt like I was awake, so it didn’t feel like I slept.”

“Well, you’ve still got some time before you have to be up. Go back to sleep.”

Rose leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek before she rolled out of bed and got ready for the day.

Things were better with James than they’d been in months; however, a stiffness had settled over them. It felt like they were tiptoeing around each other, making sure they were being careful and cautious to not upset the other. Rose was frustrated. She knew it would take time and effort to get back to the comfortable relationship she’d once had with James, but there had been a tiny piece of her that had hoped everything would have magically fixed itself. It was daft, she knew, but still she’d hoped.

“Dad said he could come stay with the girls starting Mother’s Day Sunday night,” James said after they put the girls to bed.

“Good,” Rose said. “Where are we going, by the way? We ought to figure out hotel arrangements if needed.”

“I was actually thinking we could go up to the manor in Scotland?” James suggested. “So we’re not too far away, and we won’t have to worry about hotels and eating out for all meals. It’s somewhere familiar, and it’s a place we won’t get distracted by sightseeing. We can just focus on us. What do you think?”

“Sounds great,” Rose said, making a mental note to ask her boss for time off.

Lindsey was more than willing to let Rose have the week off.

“You’ve been pulling overtime left and right,” she said. “Take a break.” After a short pause, her boss lowered her voice and asked, “Is everything all right, Rose? Did something happen?

Rose shrugged and said, “I don’t want to talk about it. James and I are okay, but we really need to take a break alone together.”

Rose worked hard to finish up all of her in-progress projects, and she assigned one of her teammates to act as the boss for the week. By the time she was due to take her week alone with James, she had all of her work wrapped up and would start with fresh assignments when she got back.

Mother’s Day finally came, bringing with it a colorful bouquet from James, and cards that the girls made.

“Happy Mother’s Day to the best mother on the planet,” James murmured, pressing a kiss to her temple as he ushered her to sit down at the kitchen table. “There’s no one else I would want to be raising my children with.”

Rose smiled at him and inhaled the perfume of the flowers he’d bought her. The girls then sprinted into the kitchen and vied for their mother’s attention.

“Come here you two,” Rose giggled, scooping them both up, glad that they were still small enough to fit in her lap at the same time. She hugged her girls tightly and pressed kisses to their hair, feeling so much love and joy for the two people who were responsible for making her a mother. “Oh, I love you both.”

“Love you, Mummy!”

“I love you too, Mummy!”

Rose rocked her daughters gently and rested her chin on Ainsley’s shoulder as she looked at the cards her girls made for her.

Robert and Jackie joined them in the afternoon for a late lunch barbecue, and once everyone was fed, James and Rose took their leave.

“We’ll be home next Sunday,” they promised, hugging their girls tightly. “Love you lots.”

Giving their daughters a final hug and kiss, James and Rose loaded their suitcases into their car and drove off into the setting sun and hopefully towards a regeneration of their marriage.

<-- Ch7 | Ch9 -->