#cool i'm emotional it's fine everything is fine wdym

[chaoslulled]

he hates the way that kenny drowns himself in alcohol && always has. even his youngest memories of him are of the putrid smell on his clothing, the slurring of his vowels && the vacant look in glassy eyes. he remembers black eyes && bailing out with money that his mother didn't really have. but he does remember kenny babysitting him, being there when his mother 'had to work late', && he had always known what it meant. so no, their bond isn't forged in the best of memories, but it isn't forged in the worst of them, either. it's some weird sort of neutral ground that they constantly straddle the line of.

being here has been more normal lately; he's too jittery, too prone. ever since the memories had come back, he's been avoiding his own apartment && the constantly drilling for information from farlan && isabel, avoiding his shop && the damn tall blonde that seeks him out as well. it's a conversation that he's not ready to have yet && no one will come looking for him at uri's place. no, if they're going to find him anywhere, they'd think of kuchel's. so he's been occupying the couch (the guest room is a shrine to uri && frieda, && it feels too uncomfortable, intrusive) && that also means he's been cooking meals or spending time here when he can't sleep, working on scribbled nonsense in a notebook that's half full of half cocked ideas.

he knows that kenny remembers. uri had that conversation with him && it explains the heavier drinking, the sour tongue. levi skirts around the idea of hashing it out, over the lifetime long hurt of never being enough. for so long he had presumed kenny had been his father && when he got his answers, it had come with shock && then nothing. there was nothing else to say because he was handed the damn serum && then he was gone. sometimes levi thinks that hurt is a wide chasm that he won't ever be able to get over.

but there's times like this where he shoves it down && he allows himself to feel normal, to reside in the familiar pattern that he had made for himself here. besides, it's never been all bad. his favorite past time had been stealing sterling silver when rod wasn't looking && grinning when kenny praised him for it.

❝ you want me to call you my elder now? not going to happen. when you can walk a straight line then maybe. ❞ a snort leaves levi's lips as he flips the waffle maker over, leans against the counter to take in the sorry sight in front of him. ❝ you're not eating beer waffles. i know your body is mostly comprised of alcohol, but have some dignity && respect for my cooking, would you? ❞

the tease is light, but it doesn't meet his eyes. there's a hollowness in his chest, in his stomach; truth be told, he hasn't had much of an appetite since it's all come back to him. he's a nervous wreck most of the time, split between that monster that he had been && the better version of himself that he is. it's too complicated –– && it all revolves around erwin, around a relationship that he had finally fallen into && now might slip out from underneath his feet all over again.

there's a quiet beep && levi turns, slides the waffle onto a plate that he hands to his uncle. he grabs the syrup bottle for good measure && puts it in his hand this time, then points to the cooked batter in front of him.

❝ i remember too you know. ❞ the words are quiet –– he almost thinks they're lost in the ticking of the clock. ❝ && it's ruined everything. ❞

thoughts are as chalky && fizzy as the cheap beer that's been taking up more space in their fridge than actual food ― not that there was much food to begin with: pickled herring; stuffed olives; chicken fat; cream cheese; potatoes; carrots; some mystery vegetable that uri picked out on a whim; eggs. . . his nephew is breaking eggs into a bowl. . . when the hell did he get here? it takes kenny a moment to remember: he is a guest, && a shitty one, at that.

ever since kenny REMEMBERED, he'd fallen into the habit of drinking more than he used to. whiskey used to be his poison of choice; it was, in his mind, an end-all remedy to ( almost ) every malady a grown man can suffer ― be it fever, stuffy nose, tummy troubles, or heartache. these days, a shot of red-eye doesn't cut it. neither does two. not even three, for the matter. glass bottles are left to collect dust, eventually phased out by a growing collection of aluminum // ever since kenny REMEMBERED, he'd been chasing most of his meals with just enough mind-numbing substance, until he was drifting in && out of two separate realities: kenny was loosely tethered to one, held in place by a paperweight; the other was a phantom rope around his neck ― too damn tight; he's choking on spit && blood- scratch that. just a little bit of bile stuck in his throat. . . yeesh // ever since kenny REMEMBERED, it was harder to look at his nephew with a sober eye. he wonders if the boy can tell. if so, he hasn't said shit. kenny can't fault him for that. their relationship was always complicated; levi was a walking contradiction, exemplifying the best of his sister && the worst of him.

apparently, that doesn't change across lifetimes.

looking at the clock, uri must have crashed hours ago ( meanwhile kenny was crashing out ). his nephew, on the other hand, is wide awake, half-possessed by some sort of kitchen-dwelling ❛ dybbuk ❜. shitfaced or not, it's easy enough to wager that something's on the boy's mind. kenny doesn't probe. he's not a prober, unless- something smells good. really good. the kid's got talent; && though kenny's not one for drunken confessions, having company isn't so bad. . .

❝ --oi, whatever happened to respecting your elders? ❞ the words were quieter in his head, but they accidentally reverberate. meanwhile, kenny is distracted by the empty spot on the table ― a plate used to be there, he's sure of it. oh, right. beer waffle. ❝ y'know, you didn't have to toss it. i could probably mask the taste with more syrup. . . actual syrup. . . not beer syrup. you should make yourself something instead.❞

levi's right: he is a fucking wreck.