#context is i dont go here at all but i am writing a 14 part fic and its gonna be so good you dont rven know

[autism-disco]

humbly requesting random names for my utter bullshit magnus archives shite

[weirdmageddon]

long mediation on jade and dave’s relationship - part 2

part 1 is here

this part is essentially about dave and jade’s personalities, their basic dynamic, and how it works. and addressing some things ive seen said about dave in moments that people remove from context because they dont weigh these contexts and prior ones. if you want a post that goes into dave’s attitude towards jade (conclusion: he cares about her a lot) here it is

part 2: switcheroo + misconceptions about dave's role in dave and jade's relationship

something interesting i realized while writing this is the thing about grimbark jade is that she is no nonsense when her normal self is all about nonsense and entertaining silly things because she can see the merit in them. in fact she is always having a chuckle caused by dave's sense of humor and im sure dave got used to interacting with jade like that so wtf with grimbark jade

EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her! EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff. GG: hahaha GG: he is so silly! (p.293)

TG: snows a big chilly carpet of nobody gives a shit TG: like old man winter spread around his nasty mayonnaise and turned the landscape into his personal asshole sandwich GG: eww dave no TG: when i look around all i see is the miles of unharnessed snowmen im just too damn cool to build GG: no this is so lame GG: i am hearing an insane and stupid guy say stupid idiot things while wearing dumb sunglasses for lame morons! TG: whoa jade with the fucking haymaker TG: i need to go look for my teeth on the canvas as soon as shit stops spinning and there stops being like ten of you GG: heheheh GG: why dont we play in the snow later (p.3024)

GG: i cant get over how tiny this thing is! GG: its so cute GG: so the baby frogs show up on this pad here? GA: Yes GG: i cant wait to try it GA: What Are You Laughing At There GG: oh GG: lol GG: dave just has a lot of funny stuff to say about all this GA: What Is He Saying GG: oh you know, a bunch of silly stuff GG: theres too much to copy/paste! GA: Hmm GG: here ill save it all to a file and send it to you -- gardenGnostic [GG] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file "daveisafunnyguy.txt" -- GA: Okay Im Laughing Pretty Hard At All That GG: hahaha (p.3312)

JADE: *snicker* JOHN: what? JADE: nothing JOHN: is someone messaging you through the game? JADE: hehe JOHN: who is it? JADE: pffff! JOHN: dammit, jade... JADE: its davesprite, hes playing too JOHN: oh. JOHN: don't tell him any of our strategies. he is the enemy! JADE: we have strategies? JOHN: um... JOHN: ok, first, tell him we have strategies. then, don't tell him them. JADE: hahahahahahaha JOHN: oh god. JOHN: what is it now? JADE: did you know... JADE: davesprite is a funny guy? JOHN: meh, he's alright i guess. JOHN: i give most of his jokes a passing grade. sometimes as high as a solid b+! JADE: i just told him you said that JADE: davesprite says to tell you "youre basically welcome for being born 14 years ago and 1 year ago you ungrateful douche" JOHN: oh, like him taking credit for my existence isn't so old by now! (p.4732)

in a way i feel like their roles parallel dave and jade in the earlier acts from homestuck, but inverted (and twisted/not as nice cause grimbark jade is under nefarious influences)

dave approaches the world from a highly pragmatic position. his ego (in the purely psychoanalytical sense) that he holds himself to, shows to the world, and what he tends to reason through is one that’s about relaxed competence. he’s critical of unreasonable actions and takes it upon himself to guide others into being more efficient in practical, realistic ways. he sees that jade struggles in these initially but she readily accepts his help, which is more than glad to provide.

this doesn’t say anything bad about jade harley. this doesn’t make her stupid, or in need the saving from a knight in shining armor nor does it make dave condescending towards her. it’s information that he is able to provide and that she appreciates and trusts his assistance with while she sees through the things that she prioritizes like helping others with matters of hidden opportunities / the big picture and interpersonal needs which are completely out of dave’s league, something he highly respects but doesnt feel its his greatest asset towards other people like jade does. jade is very into science and gadgetry, but remember that she relies heavily on her sharp intuition rather than straight up pragmatism like dave would. jade really is exceptional and multitalented but she doesn’t know how she does the things she does half the time!

(p.790)

even though dave acknowledges this it doesn’t really bother him

TG: hey TG: oh TG: youre asleep again arent you TG: or do you even know if you are TG: i still dont know how that works TG: its like nothing means anything TG: its so cool getting hella chumped by your coquettish damn riddles all the time TG: i dont know why i believe anything you say im like the grand marshal of gross chumpage (p.829)

GG: i want to tell him happy birthday and ask him about his birthday package! TG: oh yeah TG: i was being sort of cagey and told him to check the mail cause i was wondering if mine came yet GG: i think it did! TG: yeah? GG: and i think mine came too TG: so uh TG: i guess you want to know if he likes it or something? GG: no!!!!!!! GG: he will not open it GG: he will lose it!!! TG: oh TG: uh TG: wow sorry to hear that i guess? GG: no its good actually! GG: because he will find it again later when he really needs it GG: which of course is why i sent it in the first place! TG: see like TG: i never get how you know these things GG: i dont know GG: i just know that i know! TG: hmm alright (p.382)

TT: Jade is connected with you? TT: Where did she get the discs? TG: i dont know how does she do any of the loopy batshit nonsense she does (p.1401)

but because she’s gotten by on intuition and her dreams for most things, she’s not as adapted to the rationale behind actions. dave can sense her struggling and wants to help because it’s basically his mission for everyone, not just jade. but that’s the information that jade is glad to be led by and continues to unconsciously prompt him with. she encourages his practical ways and doesn’t tell him to fuck off or just straight up ignore his advice which dave interprets as his strengths being needed by someone else

GG: dave! GG: are you busy? GG: i dont have much time! GG: i am about to make my entry item, and its a little confusing GG: i think the more players we add, the trickier they are to... um...... GG: activate! GG: like yours was GG: i figured we could brainstorm about it, while john fusses with the kernel GG: helloooooo? TG: nak nak nak GG: :o (p.2907)

TG: yeah honestly i figured wed have to do something like this TG: so i guess here we are doing it GG: doing what?? TG: well youre my server player remember GG: yes TG: i need you to deploy something first TG: in my apartment TG: in a few hours ill go back there and we can continue this GG: oh jeez, a few hours???? -- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- -- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] -- TG: yeah TG: as in a few seconds TG: im back at my place now GG: fastest hours :o TG: yeah TG: now TG: deploy the intellibeam laserstation GG: but that costs so much grist!!! TG: no it costs practically nothing TG: check out how much ive got GG: omg... GG: what does this thing do? TG: its mostly pretty stupid and useless TG: but itll come in handy here TG: it reads captcha codes GG: on the back of cards? TG: yeah GG: but GG: we can already read those! TG: some are too garbled and complicated TG: the human eye cant decipher them TG: needs sophisticated scanning technology TG: and artificial intelligence to figure it out GG: hmm GG: but isnt the whole point of captchas that only humans can read them? GG: and not robots??? TG: yeah well TG: thats why this is so dumb (p.3025 / 3026)

TG: thisll be the disc i use for your connection TG: while the original will stay bound to roses connection GG: so you will be the server for BOTH us ladies??? GG: you just keep getting smoother, i cant handle all this smoothness TG: well technically TG: i will be your server TG: and past me will stay as roses server TG: which is to say present me will TG: the one in the black suit GG: ohh... GG: i guess that makes sense TG: he can keep managing her for a while TG: until she sorta checks out soon and becomes totally useless TG: then he can start hopping around time like i did TG: make a ton of money and stuff TG: eventually become me TG: and become your server player GG: ok i think i understand that! TG: yeah see its not hard to get the hang of TG: in the meantime ill kind of loiter around this timeframe to help you out for a while GG: yessss thanks dave <3

TG: im just going to cut right to the chase and upgrade your alchemiter so you can avoid a lot of bullshit TG: ill give you some codes and you can punch cards and slip em into jumper blocks GG: yaaaaaaaaaaaay! (p.3030 - 3032)

jade has strengths that dave has weaknesses in too, which dave himself points out!!!

TG: ok so TG: the egg is now in a nest made of shitty swords and soft puppet ass TG: please advise GG: i think your sprite wants to hatch it! GG: awww TG: do you think thatll take more than four hours GG: hmm... GG: i dont know it looks like its pretty warm where you are TG: its hot as the sizzle side of the steak GG: maybe not too long then???? GG: i guess we'll find out! TG: maybe i should try to get it back TG: and put it in the microwave GG: :( (p.1507)

dave assumed the egg needed to be heated to break and allow him to enter the game, so his course of action is to go up there and get it himself and use whatever means are at his disposal. that is a logical, straightforward thing to do. he doesnt rely on uncertainty and blind trust that things will just work out when he has the ability to take action in a way that makes sense; that’s jade’s thing. but it turns out jade’s intuition for how to solve dave’s entry puzzle was right! it was actually a test of patience. he later says this to jade

GG: you guys are all so much better than me, i feel sooooo lame TG: we all start out somewhere TG: remember how i was scrambling up that tower to get that egg like an idiot TG: what the hell was i doing TG: i was like goddamn pooh bear in a tree reaching up his fat fuckin pooh paw for some mother fuckin honey GG: heehee TG: so even though im awesome now at one point i was plausibly likened to an autistic stuffed animal TG: and you even knew what to do TG: you told me how it worked all christopher robinning my ignorant ass about that egg TG: but i was all like IM A LITTLE BLACK RAIN CLOUD BITCH WATCH ME CLIMB TG: so maybe youre startin out with more sense than me GG: maaaybe GG: :) (p.3025)

hes pretty much like jade's hypeman but in his own sort of lowkey way and is actually sweetly reassuring to her. this includes davesprite btw

GG: those stupid things are impossible to kill :( TG: no you can kill them TG: youll get better dont worry (p.3024)

GG: hmmmm... GG: i dont know if i get that but ok! TG: well yeah TG: my thing is time yours is space TG: pretty different things TG: you GET things about space i dont TG: or you will GG: i will? TG: yup (p.3024)

DAVESPRITE: as a sprite im supposed to help him with his quest JADESPRITE: oh yeah JADESPRITE: im supposed to help jade too, but...... JADESPRITE: *sniffle* DAVESPRITE: shes doing alright dont worry about it JADESPRITE: ok, ill try... JADESPRITE: shes a lot more brave than me i think JADESPRITE: she brought me back thinking i could help her and all i did was disappoint her and everyone else JADESPRITE: you came back as a sprite and youre managing to do important things... JADESPRITE: but i just feel so scared and helpless DAVESPRITE: sounds like you came back because jade made the decision for you DAVESPRITE: i made the decision to come back myself maybe itd be different if you had the same chance JADESPRITE: i dont know if i would have if i had the chance JADESPRITE: but i would like to not feel so useless to everybody DAVESPRITE: i think everyones on top of this DAVESPRITE: theres not much for us to do anymore (p.3927)

DAVESPRITE: so jade must have done something right DAVESPRITE: to wake her up and get the forge going DAVESPRITE: dont know what she did though JADESPRITE: probably something amazing JADESPRITE: she is still working so hard to help everyone JADESPRITE: i guess i used to be that way... JADESPRITE: but ive completely forgotten how DAVESPRITE: are you sure (p.3945)

JADESPRITE: it reminds me of when i died JADESPRITE: and i was trying to wake john up JADESPRITE: i was scared then too JADESPRITE: but i didnt let the fear stop me from trying to save him DAVESPRITE: what would you want to do DAVESPRITE: if you werent scared JADESPRITE: i have no idea JADESPRITE: i guess try to help JADESPRITE: what is there to do? DAVESPRITE: well DAVESPRITE: i was going to bring this sword to dave JADESPRITE: oh noo JADESPRITE: does that mean youre going to leave? DAVESPRITE: no DAVESPRITE: i was gonna say DAVESPRITE: im not in any shape for more adventuring DAVESPRITE: i figure this is probably my last stop JADESPRITE: :( DAVESPRITE: but maybe this is a way you can help JADESPRITE: you mean... JADESPRITE: that i should give him the sword? DAVESPRITE: if you want JADESPRITE: but i dont want to leave you here either DAVESPRITE: maybe you dont have to actually go anywhere DAVESPRITE: you oughta have a lot of special powers remember DAVESPRITE: because of ascending to doghood JADESPRITE: oh yeah! DAVESPRITE: try doing your spacey thing DAVESPRITE: i mean not to sound condescending or anything but its got to be like borderline omnipotence pretty much DAVESPRITE: just put your mind to it (p.3946)

knowing all of this about dave and jade’s personalities and how they work together, i’ve see people get on dave’s case about making jade slap herself in the face after she put the dead bird into his kernelsprite while he was preoccupied with taking a leak

dave freaks the hell out when he realizes she’s asleep; he needs to wake her up because she needs to help him get into the game while requires pragmatism and reasonable actions so that he’s not crushed to death by an imminent meteor. or falling plumbing fixtures. the goal wasn’t to show her who’s in control or whatever or to be mean (do people seriously think he would do that to be mean to her just to slap a girl?) it was strictly to wake her up since he has no means of influencing that besides getting creative

while asleep, jade doesn’t think logically and certainty not to the extent dave needs her to be right now. she’s scattered lalalalala and can forget about limitations or consequences in the real world and also has a short memory span while dreaming: e.g. “4 hours until what?” and she put something into the kernelsprite right after dave asked her not to because she forgor </3 and jade does acknowledge this about her dreaming self btw

GG: i mean, i only talked to you when i was asleep! i am kind of different when im dreaming... GG: i forget things, and at times im not totally sure whats real GG: dont you remember thats what its like to dream on prospit? (p.3056)

dave literally says “we need to wake you up youre not very logical like this” and he does apologize about making her dreambot wake-up slap her

i also see people say that dave thought of jade as helpless and he needs to be the hero and that's why "davejade is not good actually"

TG: but ok i mean isnt that what heroes should be doing TG: working to take down the bad guy without a whole lot of this fuckin grandiloquence and these huge sweeping plans that got nothin to do with fighting him TG: like always biding our time and tiptoeing around the unbeatable god boss TG: johns too nice to get mad TG: rose spends all her time calculating TG: too focused on machiavellian ploys of sabotage to try anything drastic TG: jade is TG: i dont even know TG: probably more a liability if she got it in her head to take him down TG: if anything id bet she just needs protection GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU S4Y1NG H3R3 D4V3, 1N TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON TH4T 1S ST1LL B31NG 4BOUT YOU TG: im just wondering TG: when does someone actually step up TG: jacks got shit to pay for (p.3703)

this minor thread gets followed up on in the pesterlog where jade contacts dave and eventually she concludes jack needs to be stopped and dave's like ... "oh shit" in his head. "oh shit" as in jade's got Game good for her go jade, "oh shit" as in she's going to be ripe for the stabbing cause the idea is in her head now, and "oh shit" as in this moment is the seed of why im going to have to rehearse jade accidentally killing me over and over and i cant tell her about it. due to this he is always fated to die in the alpha timeline both standing up to jack and to protect jade. it's woven into his story. but he was wrong about everyone else also! which i dont see brought up when that quote is used? rose does something drastic (pilots the moon into the furthest ring) and john gets mad (on the ship) and jade is the opposite of needing protection (she’s the only one jack won’t stab and also she ends up so fucking OP she has to be basically written out of act 6) so it's less a thing about jade specifically but to show that in hindsight dave was wrong about ALL his friends. which is an interesting discussion to be had about him in itself, but not now. this is the most sane and well-thought out interpretation of it ive seen

"In general, though, I think Dave has a tendency not uncommon to [thirteen] year olds (or… humans in general, if we’re being honest here) to cast everyone else as a player in his own story and characterize them in ways that fit what he wants. There’s the famous chunk where he says John never gets angry, Rose will never stop scheming long enough to take action, and Jade’s a liability, only to be proven wrong in every count. That fits his understanding of these people and his ideal relationship with them - friend, actor, protector, the one in the group who can be the hero." "Yes, I think Dave probably saw Jade as the most supportive and least judgmental friend. I’m not sure if that impacted his incorrect judgment of her since that’s kind of a pattern for him in general, but I guess it could’ve."

and also putting this solely on dave is kind of ... ehhhhh? because john says the same thing about jade but i don't see anyone getting on his case for it.

CG: SHE AND DAVE RAN INTO JACK, WHICH I'M SURE HE MUST HAVE SAW COMING BECAUSE I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE EXPLOIT TIME TRAVEL SO SHAMELESSLY AS HIM, NOT EVEN ARADIA. CG: SO SHE AND DAVE FOUGHT WITH HIM A WHILE, AND LONG STORY SHORT, HE DIED. EB: what!!! CG: BUT IT'S FINE, I GUESS THAT WAS HIS PLAN, LIKE SOME BIZARRE USELESS LAST STAND, EVEN IF HE DIDN'T TELL JADE WHO WAS PRETTY FREAKED OUT UNTIL I TALKED HER THROUGH IT. CG: JADE SAYS SHE HAS THIS FIGURED OUT, AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO MUCH BUT TRUST HER. CG: THE POINT IS, SHE'S ALL BOOKED UP, AND ALL TOO MORTAL. SO SHE WON'T BE DELIVERING THE BOMB, AND NEITHER WILL YOU. EB: ok, well what about this. EB: since she is mortal, and i am not (sort of), and i don't need to do the scratch for a while, can i go help her? EB: maybe she could use some protection? maybe that is what dave was just trying to do, when he temporarily died. EB: remember, jack is still on the loose! he has killed rose and dave once, and me twice. CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO. CG: SWEET BLEEDING JEGUS, EGBERT, YOU KEEP BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR IMMORTALITY, AND THEN BRAINLESSLY ANNOUNCE PLANS TO GO OFF AND DO SOMETHING HEROIC! YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE SHORTEST LIFESPAN OF ANY IMMORTAL IN HISTORY. EB: sorry. :( CG: BESIDES, IT'S A TOTAL NON ISSUE. JACK WOULDN'T HESITATE TO STAB YOU AGAIN, BUT HE WON'T HURT JADE FOR SOME REASON. CG: IF ANYTHING, YOU COULD USE HER PROTECTION. (p.3869 / 3871)

and also keep in mind dave does absolutely change his perception about jade's strength??

DAVE: youll probably annihilate me worse than my bro used to DAVE: dont you have all of your dogs insane powers and like DAVE: god tier space powers on top of all that DAVE: how exactly am i supposed to compete with that (p.6384)

DAVE: gotta keep em napping DAVE: especially jade im sure you know what kind of crooked ass baloneyfuck powers she got DAVE: cant let her turn those against us (p.7485)

so back to grimbark jade and the switching of these roles, dave doesn’t entirely lose his pragmatic bent. that’s still the way he thinks about stuff through but his time on the meteor has softened him and allowed him to become more reflective on big-picture things such as his role in everything

ironically this is the exact reason for his clash with grimbark jade is because she’s trying really hard to make him do stuff and it’s stuff that he’s not going to budge on because he doesn’t think it’s practical

JADE: why not? JADE: our empress can hardly have a knight with such rusty combat skills in her service DAVE: will you cut it out with the evil jade baloney DAVE: im not going to fight you DAVE: my rooftop dueling days are OVER JADE: en garde! DAVE: ugh DAVE: even if we just went balls out jackass BANANAS with our swords here i mean realistically how much appreciable advancement in my battle skills would even result from that DAVE: are you actually thinking this through or just going through the vaguely nefarious motions that come with the territory of being evildog!jade JADE: im gonna go through the vaguely nefarious motions of kicking your ass in a minute if you dont put up your dukes!!! DAVE: yeah you probably will DAVE: youll probably annihilate me worse than my bro used to DAVE: dont you have all of your dogs insane powers and like DAVE: god tier space powers on top of all that DAVE: how exactly am i supposed to compete with that JADE: by using your time trickery! JADE: come on dave do your timey thing JADE: get creative, make lots of copies of yourself or something... outsmart me! DAVE: no! JADE: yes!!! DAVE: ok here i go JADE: !!!!! DAVE: wait DAVE: nah JADE: grrr JADE: dave, just try a little time travel to get this fight started JADE: see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about... JADE: now! JADE: ... JADE: no wait JADE: riiiiiiiiiight... JADE: ... JADE: ... JADE: NOW! JADE: .... JADE: ..... JADE: dave why is your future self being such a wet blanket DAVE: i told you DAVE: im not time traveling DAVE: i think im giving it up for good actually (p.6384)

one thing floral mentions in her post is that dave is pushing jade for answers about her failed relationship with davesprite

DAVE: why are you dragging that guy into this DAVE: what happened with you and him anyway JADE: none of your business >:p DAVE: it kind of is DAVE: hes bird me DAVE: that clearly means i have a right to know JADE: that doesnt make any sense! DAVE: you said he had issues DAVE: what issues JADE: augh! JADE: forget i mentioned it DAVE: was he talking shit about me the whole time or something DAVE: i know he resents me for being the real dave JADE: dont say that, you arent the real dave! JADE: well you are, but phrasing it like that is so mean! JADE: hes just as real as you, and when you imply he isnt you sound like a jerk!!! DAVE: man i knew it DAVE: i knew he was poisoning your view of me all those years DAVE: and i wasnt there to say anything or defend against his slander so now of course you think im a neurotic douche (p.6386)

and while it is true nobody is obligated to share the details of their relationship, there is a LOT of evidence to believe dave was asking because he wants to be a good person and, to me his words here, and his past and future actions relative to this point, show that he’s not as messed up of a person as grimbark jade is making him out to be. let’s dive into it. think on this: why does dave care so much what jade thinks about him? he started getting ��neurotic” halfway through the conversation once jade brought up her feelings about him

JADE: THE ONLY REASON I THINK YOURE A NEUROTIC DOUCHE IS BECAUSE YOURE ACTING LIKE ONE NOW!!! DAVE: yeah but i only started acting like a neurotic douche like half way through this conversation DAVE: you clearly had an axe to grind with me from the start and i want to know why DAVE: what did i ever do to deserve this shit from you JADE: YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!!!! DAVE: what DAVE: i did DAVE: when (p.6386)

he’s genuinely so lost because he hadn’t had contact with any extension of jade in 3 years. alpha timeline dave has been sensitive towards jade for basically forever and especially now that he’s had time to grow up. he is not going to allow any version of himself hurt jade, and thats why hes asking so many questions to her about the nature of the relationship and what happened

JADE: ok not you JADE: davesprite did JADE: BUT YOURE BASICALLY THE SAME GUY! DAVE: whoa no way DAVE: thats such an unfair characterization we are completely different dudes JADE: you just said you had a right to know what happened between us because, and i quote, "hes bird me" DAVE: no i know DAVE: i was playing the "hes bird me" card because it was convenient to whatever it was i was saying at the time DAVE: i forget what point i was making when i said that JADE: *growl* DAVE: but thats not the point im making now DAVE: he and me are just DAVE: crazy different yo DAVE: hes got fuckin wings!!! DAVE: he also presumably takes a dump and lays eggs out of the same ghostly hole DAVE: ... DAVE: ew man whyd i have to go there JADE: *SNARL* DAVE: ok if he broke up with you or whatever that was because of his dumb bird issues not my issues DAVE: theres no way i would have done that to you (p.6386)

what dave means to say by “hes bird me because it was convenient to say at the time but it doesnt apply to this circumstance” is exactly what i was getting at in part 1 of this series of posts. yes, they are the same people at their very foundation, different reflections of a single character, but up to a point. there’s a gray area of whether or not we can call dave and davesprite the same person. in terms of this conflict though, dave should be regarded as a separate individual because of their diverging history up to that point and adolescent-teenage growth in different environments and under different circumstances. even if dave doesn't know what hes trying to say

he wants to know what this alternate version of himself did to hurt jade so much. even if grimbark jade really is bringing dave into some shit he had nothing to do with.

see the thing is, to me dave could have easily handled being accused a lot worse and say something like “youre overreacting” or something. that wouldve been dickish. but he doesn’t, he never does. he really seems to be more motivated by like, “woah what?? whats his problem? are these about issues i still have and dont know they were hurting jade or are they uniquely davesprite’s?”

like, this isn’t a joke to him even if his main form of communication through humor to lighten the mood (jade loves dave’s silliness dont forget all the times she’s giggled because dave was “so silly” and “hes a funny guy”). immediately after rescuing the mayor from eviljade’s lava kick, he was going to give davesprite a piece of his mind and this shows he is sincerely concerned about what an alternate version of himself did to break jade’s heart. he REALLY fuckin wants closure on it because he cares about her feelings so much

i don’t see this other side covered in floral’s post, but evildog jade here is Also pushing dave to do something that he is uncomfortable with as well, which is to use time travel.

dave stopped time traveling so he wouldn’t “have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody”, stating he was “never that cool with it” to rose back in act 5. around the same time when karkat talks to john, he says “TO MY KNOWLEDGE, HE DOESN'T TIME TRAVEL AFTER [FIGHTING JACK WITH JADE], AND HE AND ROSE STAY ON DERSE WAITING FOR THE BOMB UNTIL YOU START THE SCRATCH” which honestly makes me think that whole event was the nail in the coffin for dave on time traveling. seeing himself die fighting jack and knowing it was coming and he couldnt tell jade no matter how much he wanted to that her bullets were going to be the cause. this is the last straw for him regarding time traveling it affected him that much

remember the last lines of pesterlog jade had with dave before being separated? i mentioned it earlier--the one where jade decided jack needs to be stopped and they should “come up with a better plan than Rose’s suicide mission to stop him. Dave suggests the idea is futile, but lets her know she’d come to her own decision regardless, and he’d be available to talk later if needed” (from recap 3)

GG: well maybe im just being naive... GG: but a crazy suicide mission does not sound like the ideal solution to me! GG: are you suuuure we cant beat him? GG: i dont know if we should rule it out! TG: well TG: youre about to do what youre about to do TG: and im not going to tell you not to TG: i wont do the bullshit troll thing and tell you what youre going to do and then just dare you not to TG: while knowing damn well you will anyway TG: so ill just say TG: whats next is up to you TG: and if later you want to talk about it TG: im here GG: ok GG: thanks dave! (p.3204)

this was dave’s nice causality-free way of saying “youre going to end up killing me during the jack fight that winds up happening. i cant tell you that im going to die and that youre going to be the one to shoot me, because i know you wouldnt go through with it. that would drag us in a doomed timeline and we’d all die anyway, not just me. youre probably going to be freaked out when it happens since i can’t tell you this, so if you want to talk me about it later, ill be here for you”

which, first of all is, holy shit. he cares about her and her feelings so fucking much. and it’s nothing new

TT: What about why you went to fight Jack? TG: sure TG: i did that TG: because i wanted to TG: and because i was supposed to TT: Are you sure? TG: yeah i saw my future self fighting him so obviously that had to happen or else id be dead anyway TG: without even getting the satisfaction of standing up to him TT: So what about Jade? TG: what TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause. TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you? TG: what am i really supposed to say TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me TG: that kind of changes how the whole thing goes doesnt it TT: Not if you're "supposed to," right? TG: what does that even mean TT: I guess you're right. No reason to make an effort to empathize if doing so comes at the price of oblivion. TG: wtf TT: It must be comforting to have your ASPD tacitly supported by predestination. TG: aspd TT: Antisocial personality disorder. TG: oh no TG: this conversation just got bumrushed by a mudslide of fucking awful TT: It wasn't already awful, believing you might be dead? TG: you dont know anything TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder TG: im telling you if i said anything at all about it she probably doesnt even fire her gun once and all im doing is dragging her into a doomed timeline with me TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility. TG: none of this is that big a deal TG: i just mentioned the basics to her TG: that id stop time traveling soon TG: break out of the loops TG: not have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody TG: i was never that cool with this (p.3896)

dave got suddenly super fucking defensive about rose making assumptions about how he felt about fighting jack and knowing jade was going to inadvertently kill him, knowing damn well how jade reacts to seeing corpses (remember that time dave threw his slain body out the window so jade wouldnt see it because “it would probably freak her out”), and the fact that he couldn’t warn her to protect the alpha timeline and also protect both of them and everyone from falling into a doomed timeline. and he knew it was coming the whole time. he was right, rose didn’t know what was going through his head. but his defensiveness here means he had strong feelings about it. not only that but dave saying “whats next is up to you, and if later you want to talk about it, im here” shows the amount of trust he has towards her

we see him tell this to grimbark jade straight up his thought process for why he stopped time traveling. and it’s spot on with what i said. again, remember that this is the first conversation he has with jade after 3 years being separated

DAVE: but see with time travel DAVE: all the stuff about learning it so you dont have to use it is true DAVE: theres no good that can come of it DAVE: you can crunch the logic on the loops all you want DAVE: but all youre doing is painting yourself into a corner DAVE: creating inevitabilities you have to rehearse and enact or face death for yourself or everyone you know DAVE: and sometimes facing death is the very inevitability you have to rehearse DAVE: and then you wait and wait knowing its coming and knowing it has to happen DAVE: how do you think it made me feel when we were gathering up all those frogs DAVE: and i knew the whole time in a little while you would have to watch me get shot DAVE: but i couldnt say anything or it would mess it all up DAVE: all cause i thought it would be cool to be marty mcfuckin fly DAVE: but instead of shredding johnny b goode on guitar to get my parents to bang DAVE: my crowning performance was doing a funny dance while getting pumped full of lead JADE: ...... (p.6385)

and what fucking broke me yesterday was realizing after all this time, ironically it was DAVE who wound up being the one who had to talk to jade about it.

JADE: sorry dave, you lost me there after the part where i shot you DAVE: damn DAVE: ok lemme start over (p.6385)

“damn ok lemme start over” bro he really wants to open up to her about this thing he’s been stewing on for three years only for it to fall on deaf mind controlled ears. it’s so fucking sad

part 3 is cooking and it’s going to be about dave’s character growth post-meteor and what that means for dave and jade

[beet-le]

okay I am really autistic and think abt them all the time so

golden wind theories/ hcs abt the main gangs mental illnesses

okay I dont think we talk about how mista probably has ocd enough. we see that he has intrusive thoughts/ obsessions and while we don’t see him have a lot of obvious compulsions but he often acts in a way that may seem irrational to some and has strict routines and fears something will go wrong when they are interrupted. he counts things obsessively, has rituals, etc etc.

short aside: pls don't think I am glorifying/ romanticizing anything I talk abt here these are theories and if anything I say is inaccurate pls lemme know!! I did research abt what I talk abt here but these are my own personal theories/ observations/ how I relate to them :)

I see a lot of people hc narancia as having ADHD but I am here to further my everyone in bucci gang has autism agenda. /hj I am autistic and relate to him. how he has trouble reading peoples intentions and trusts too easily is smth I really relate too! That's not to say he couldn't also have ADHD but if you read him as autistic it adds a lot of depth to his backstory <:) he's also highly empathetic and struggles regulating his emotions.

god sorry this is cringe

oh obviously he's also dyslexic :)

moving on this is obvious and more a plea to people to do research and write realistic recovery for leone being an alcoholic.

I would also love to see more people talking about Bruno. Specifically within the context of bruabba and his savior complex, I can't help but think he would be a little bitter than he is always the one saving people and that he's not allowed to be weak despite all the trauma he went through at a young age and joining the mafia at 14. It would definitely create more vulnerability issues to play parent to not only three traumatized children but also your so, the one who you are meant to feel safest with. I think a lot of Bruno's savior complex issues stems from him thinking that the crimes he has committed in his past and continues to commit as part of his role within Passione make him a bad person, and to atone for these sins he "saves" others. You can see how angry he is when he takes Narancia to the hospital and then he says he also wants to join the gang. To Bruno this is akin to spitting in his face. 'You would throw away the second chance I gave you to make the same mistakes I did?' idk I love him and so many people treat him as if he is perfect and I think he deserves to be complex and maybe resent his family for treating him as a therapist and savior and not always like a flawed human being. basically please let us have more dysfunctional bruabba family I need them to live.

I could write a whole essay on fugo so I shall save him for another time and because I don't trust my own intelligence to talk about him. fugo peak.

A lot of dude bros get mad at Giorno's "lack of personality" as if it doesn't stem directly from him being neglected as a child. He was punished for showing normal emotions as a kid so he hides them as he gets older. He could also totally be read as autistic and thats a hc that holds a special place in my heart. Opposed to Narancia, who is on the high empathy end of the spectrum, Gio, partly as a response to how he was raised, has lower empathy which also effects how he communicates with others. I think he is such a complex character and wish more people devoted time to analyzing him rather than writing him of as boring.

Thats all I have the mental space to write about for write now but I care these idiots so much and please tell me what you think!! Bucci gang 4 eva.

[baylikeselephants]

Just now reading Fourth Wing (I know I know I’m behind!!!) here are my thoughts on the first book

Please note I haven’t read Iron flame yet so no spoilers! Oh! And I didn’t take notes until chapter 10 for some reason

EDIT: Sarah is my sister for context, she told me a few things

Fourth wing

Chapter 10

* mentions feather tails abhor violence… will she bond with one?

Chapter 11

* I don’t like Dain. Don’t ask me why just gives me the ick

* “Do something about it” and Sarah’s “lol foreshadowing” is a sex thing isn’t it lol

Chapter 12

* ooo look a feather tail showed up

* A golden feather tail????

* And everybody is calling it a mistake??? Girl like that’s not some wink wink nod nod shit

* Eastern boarder and bloodshot red Sarah? This is where brennen “died” yes?

* Dead dead dead. Everybody dead lol

Chapter 13

* a brown dain??? A brown???? Have you met her????

* Save the little one!!!

* Xaden to the rescue (like they would’ve needed it but nice distraction lol)

* Well actually ~he~ can’t do anything. But his dragon could yeah?

Chapter 14

* ahaha the big one!!!!

* She fell lol we are shocked

Chapter 15

* Tairn is sassy lol

* Lmao “and all hell breaks loose”

Chapter 16

* Ooo so Tairn doesn’t trust Dain??? Not suspicious at all

* Ahhhh bonded pairs ey? Do I think that means xaden and vi are meant to be no, don’t think they’re end game but 🤷🏻‍♀️

* Xaden dies before this series is over doesn’t he?

* WHY WOULD SHE TELL HIMMMMMM UHG NO I DONT TRUST HIM DONT TELL THAT MAN SHIT

* Manipulated threshing???? Like dragons give a fuck what riders think lol

* Now I have reason to hate Dain

* Oh here we go brennens death. He. Is. Not. Dead.

* “Because you put too much faith in him…knowing who to trust is the only thing that will keep you alive” to me = don’t trust Dain (or anybody)

* Uh maybe Xaden doesn’t die because if he dies his dragon might then blah blah blah

Chapter 17

* “Tell him to mind his business” that wasn’t just about that comment either I bet

Chapter 18

* They don’t have the book her dad gave her??? Did he write it? Or is it banned

* Violet has Oooo fancy pants rich McGee over here FUCK YOU energy with the rebellion relic thing and not sitting with anybody with it

* “I knew it would work” from Jack means he killed the rider doesn’t it. He tampered with their stuff or something

* Tairn called her silver one and now I have “silver and gold silver and gold” song stuck in my head

* Tairn growled at dain!!!! The bastard (not tairn)

* Tell him girl go off babes

Chapter 19

* Sarah told me they could talk to each other already but tairn told Xaden she was in trouble

Chapter 20

* “To what they think I’ll be, not who I am” then tairn’s response of “that shows excellent forethought” my guy knows what/who she is.

Chapter 21

* Hmmmm so he didn’t tell them what was in the scroll……. Not suspicious at all.

* Did the rebellion never really die and Devera is a part of it?

Chapter 22

* Is Jack allergic to oranges or making fun of her spiking stuff with poison?

* She’s gunnnnna channnneeeeellllll

* I know she’s Lightning or whatever but the comment saying Xaden’s voice is like a crack of lightning is great

Chapter 23

* Rhi saying “for now” is foreshadowwinggggg

Chapter 24

* what’s up with all the runes?

* Vi’s dad did research on the second Krovlan uprising and feather tails? But there’s no tome on it? This makes me think he’s definitely a writer and he did his own research and stuff and wrote his own books. Did he know what Violet would be?

Chapter 25

* surprise mother fuckers

* They’re breaking into her moms office aren’t they

* They are

* They (scribes) can make or break someone by writing shit down. Likeeeeeeee maybbeeeee her FATHER! Lol no but really I may die on that hill

* Was her dad Tyrrish? Is that why these runes keep coming back? I don’t remember

* Is tyrrendor where a server rebellion or something is happening?

* I love that Violet has a potion for everything lol

Chapter 26

* Don’t “what could possibly go wrong” Violet. What are you stupid

* Mira saw a bunch of dragons crossing????? Like maybe with Brennen??? Is this where he is

* Uh oh xaden. Somebody in troubleeeee

Chapter 27

* where did Imogen go?

* Good for Rebecca for the disability awareness there with “…nothing anyone can do about the way I’m made”

* Was doing what had to be done tairn? Something to do with imogen maybe? Or stalling the gryphons?

Chapter 28

* imogen is back

* “Only fire we’d be taking is from other dragons” like brennensssss??? The rebellion things I don’t know

* Jack is dead- I hope to god for real

Chapter 29

* Fable is underlined….. so the book of fables is more than fables ey?

* So so hear me out, if the fables were written by her dad. Maybe it was written like fables to throw off folks but it was actually a tell all from when her dad was elsewhere (tyrrendor???)

Chapter 30

* Ew lol

* Ah so the scars are for all the kiddos of the leaders

* “Should I get the wing leader” lmao tairn honey

* Also hate how Professor jackass (Carr) is studying her like she’s done case he has to solve

* She can’t aim?? She can when she’s mad enough just sayin

Chapter 31

* Ah she’s got the book of fables good good I wasn’t sure if she brought it back or not with all the chaos that happened there

* He went to an outpost? To fight or for something else?

* AHA HER DAD STUFFED SOMETHING IN THE BOOK

* Hmmmmmm suspicious

* He got cryptic after brennen died? Because it was all true (the fables?) and/or he knew brennen wasn’t dead?

* Oh shut up xaden like you haven’t already fallen for her

* I hate this. Every part of this stupid party is putting me on edge

* Omg does the fucking King pull some shit (besides that stupid convo with Violet and Liam)

* The damn parapet. Of course this comes back

Chapter 32

* Ah fuck. Garrick and Bodhi are gone.

* Can you guys tape it down for two seconds to figure this out please. Some kind of attack or something

* Ah. Am shocked. They are under attack. Oh no. Who ever could’ve guessed. OH WAIT. IT WAS ME

Chapter 33

* Well. I was close

* Athebyne? Again mentioned….. hmmmm

* Just now hitting you that they’ll be separated for 5 days Violet? Lord have mercy

* “She’s safer with me” Dain I swear to god have you learned nothing

* He’d (Dain) be one of those guys to say he LET her go. Like a jackass. Hate this guy right now

Chapter 34

* Little andarna 🥰 sleepy baby

* Oh. So she’s like got this weird feeling. And anxiety. And shit. So yeah this is going to end well

* Annnnnd gryphons

* Xaden knows her but can they be related or something?

* None of them are reaching for weapons except Violet. All the rest are marked correct? I think so.

* This is a rebellion chick or something then ey?

* Seeee they’re early

Chapter 35

* So the pre-chapter thing said there’s potentially a conspiracy??? Maybe to do with the Vyern (spell????)

* YESSSS I WASSSSSS RIGHHTTTTTTTTT

* But why is Xaden so stupid to bring her lol there’s got to be a reason besides her signet and the dragons

* Don’t feel betrayed Violet honey it’s okay. You gonna be on their side in two seconds no worries

* Yup dad spelled it out for ya love

* It’s empty for shits sake

* The dick

Chapter 36

* Liam is dying

* I don’t like.

* Liam is dead

* There are more. Omg how many are there

* Go get ‘em girl

Chapter 37

* fun fun. On his back. Yippee

* Dead. Haha

* She’s got a poison wound now but

* I know andarna lives but I swear to god if she comes

Chapter 38

* Hmmm I wonder who the familiar voice is

Chapter 39

* And mom what Xaden? Did I miss something

* I was right about Brennen (happy dance)

General

* are violet and andarna fulfillment of a prophecy? Because “golden dragon bonds with thought to be weak and pitiful girl” seems like a prophecy

[wizisbored]

I'm curious about Beetlejuice in Strange Hill. I'm not familiar with the show but I like this and must know more. It kind of reminds me of school of rock but full Beetlejuice mode. What kind of shenanigans will ensue? How many complaints will be filed about his smell?

do you know. do you know how long i have been waiting to recieve this ask. i owe you my life.

anyway, for context. strange hill high was a kids show i watched in primary school, it had 2 seasons, and it was all episodic shennanigans with no ongoing plot. the premisce is that the main character, mitchell, is the new kid at this really really weird school called strange hill high where paranormal and extraterrestrial and sci-fi stuff just kinda happens on the regular. examples include evil tooth fairy plotting to steal peoples teeth to build a xylophone, alien invasion where the aliens are all identical to one of the main characters and try to eat him, a book so boring it rips a hole in space and time, that one time mitchell broke the concept of mathematics, etc etc.

aside from mitchell theres his two friends becky and templeton. mitchell is always getting into trouble, doesnt care about class, always late with homework. cannonnonically has adhd. bit of a scheemer, doesnt have perfect morals, but he cares about his friends and is a good guy over all. templeton is kinda your steriotypical nerd/weird kid, into sci-fi. he spends the whole first episode convinced their school is a reality tv show. is kinda technically god? (he caused the big bang with a potato during some time travel shennanigans.) and becky is a ray of sunshine optimist full of enthusiasm. sometimes has to act as the voice of reason / moral compass for the group, but is kinda gullable.

putting a photo of them to show off the art style, cause i love it, and its puppets! the mouth and eye movements are cg'd but its not distracting, and apart from that its pretty much all practical, and all of the character designs are very unique. if youre up for some absurd comedy and funky puppet stuff its very easy to find on youtube, in fact i am watching it right now.

for the purposes of this au, i have drawn lydia and beetlejuice in this style before

anyway, context over, onto the au. im not sure whether it will be explicitly mentioned but i think im going to be setting it in year 9 uk grades and 8th grade american which if ive done my research right makes them 13-14, which is a middle ground between the strange hill characters being 12 and lydia being 15. regardless tho its post-cannon for both. lydia goes to england as part of a foreign exchange program and stays with beckys family, and hence gets introduced to her friends, and they get along fairly well.

as a side note, i will be taking this as an excuse to go full british mode. yeah i always write in an english dialect but now im actually setting something in my home country and im going to have some fun with that. there WILL be beans on toast. they get greggs in literally the first scene. perhaps there will even be Big Tesco. but its also probably the only time i will ever attempt an american dialect, just for lydia's dialogue, for the contrast. i apologise in advance for my inevitable fucking up of that.

now back to the au. in order to follow lydia and hang out, beetlejuice gets a job at strange hill. im thinking drama, since i dont think we ever see the drama teacher. music would be another option but i dont want to replace the cannon teacher. but anyway, the strange hill trio see this really fucking weird new teacher who seems to know their new friend and go 'right here we go again its shennanigan time'. they want to get to the bottom of this, lydia finds it pretty funny. over time they become better friends with her while also trying to figure out what the hell her deal with the drama teacher is. meanwhile theres the whole ordeal that is beetlejuice as a drama teacher, and also his increasingly rediculous attempts at finding ways to hang out with lydia that arent really fucking weird because shes a student at the school he teaches at now. also, hes doing a really really bad english accent the whole time. he never drops it. even if its just him and lydia, hes gotta keep it Authentic.

[detective-gum-chew]

okay okay okay

i know this isnt an orginal idea by any means but roleswap!narumitsu is just so good

so youll have to indulge me because this lives in my head rent free and i want to write it down concretely somewhere (also this gets LONG so ill pop a cut in here)

alright so:

1. at least in my writing of it, this is also a no-dl6/gregory lives au. but as well at that, miles and phoenix didnt go to school together

2. this means that there was nobody to defend phoenix at the class trial (yes i know the money stolen was edgeworths but shhh lets pretend it was someone elses, kay?) this lead to phoenix becoming not only bitter, but somewhat obsessive over the idea of punishing people that do wrong

(if someone can find that quote where phoenix talks about how he could have become a prosecutor because of the trial i will give u a gentle kiss on the forehead) 

3. Edgeworth was raised by Gregory and ends up becoming a defense attorney

4. in this, Von Karma goes down and Franzy is adopted by Gregory, and she assists Miles in his cases. (she can still have a whip, as a treat.)

5. anyway with that set up, lets get into some cases

6. Larry gets accused of Cindys murder, Miles defends with Franzy

7. Lets say Mia was in the crowd of that trial and decided to contact miles, seeing as he appears to be another uncorrupt lawyer and asks him for his help in taking down Redd White

8. He agrees, and she sets a time for him to meet at her office so they can talk. Mia then calls her sister and updates her on how shes going to recruit another person (Redd White hears this)

9. Much like the original case, Mia gets murdered, but this time, Maya isnt here to be blamed. Instead, its Miles himself, as the name that White heard over the phone (so basically we’re speed running to the “defend yourself in court” part)

10. the prosecutor today is Phoenix Wright.

11. but before that lets go into some backstory actually. Phoenix had encountered Mia previously during the Terry Fawles case. He had respected her as a peer, if not for just her determination and deductive skills. (After all, he was young at the time and solely focused on punishing the wicked) After Diego’s poisoning, he had briefly reached out for condolences

12. but anyway, Phoenix had distantly respected Mia, and now that she was dead, he was going to be tough on whoever he thought murdered her.

13. Miles proves his innocence, although it takes some baiting to get Redd White out of his building and actually into court. 

14. Wright is... not pleased about this, but theres not much he can do. His displeasure for Mias murder has shifted, but theres a new displeasure for Miles, the man who could beat him in court. (”well well well, you managed to save your own skin. But you should hope you get as lucky as you did in your next case”)

15. Next case! We know Miles is a steel samurai fan, so even without Maya it takes very little convincing for him to take the case. (Fran is not as amused but trusts her brother... enough.. to follow his lead)

16. Case proceeds mostly as normal, with Phoenix requiring Dee to re-do her testimony (maybe something deep within him still itches to put the true bad guy away, even if its harder than the accused)

17. I dont think Phonix would deliver the unnecessary feelings line, although there definetely is that moment in the lobby where hes like “hm. maybe you arent a bad person, but that doesnt mean i have to like you.”

18. and now, now now now, we finally get to the part where i somehow managed to put the most thought into. (for context it is nearly 2 am when i am writing this)

19. sleep schedule aside, you couldnt have thought i would made this WITHOUT some good angst, so here we go. case four is similarly structured to the original, but with an extra side of Phoenix angst.

20. Miles wakes up to Franzy shaking him. She points to the television. the news is on, but the voices are drowned out by a distant ringing as he stares at the image on the screen.

Famed Prosecutor Phoenix Wright Arrested For Murder

21. it just doesnt make sense. So he gets out of bed and into the closest clothes he can find and out the door with his sister in tow. He sits in the cold detention room, thinking about the other side of the glass.

22. Phoenix Wright looks dull. He asks what they want. Miles says he wants an explanation. Wright sneers and asks why. For some reason, that pisses Miles off. He slams his badge to the glass and Wright looks surprised.

“Do you know what this is? It’s my attorneys badge.”

“the badge doesnt mean youre a good lawyer.”

“Well Mr Wright, its 2-0, so i dont think you have any right to say that.” Miles glares at him and Wright sits back in his seat. He watches Miles for a long time.

“If im going to defend you, you need to tell me what happened.“ Wrights eyebrows shoot up and Franziska squawks at his side

“What do you mean defend him!”

“What she said.”

Miles narrows his eyes at Wright as he ponders to himself the answer. Why is he doing it? the answer comes to him. 

“Because i dont believe you did it.”

For all his snark, Miles cant bring himself to believe that the man in front of him would kill someone. Theres something about him, either in his eyes or the way he carries himself that makes the idea itself preposterous. Wright looks at him for a long time after he says it.

“Very well.”

21. Miles doesnt seem him until court, but at least he testifies. The next person up, a red head by the name of Melissa Foster, gives a testimony that seems airtight.

22. that is, until he looks over at Phoenix, who is pale as he looks at the woman on the witness stand. Phoenix catches his eye, and very carefully, very slowly, mouths one name.

Dahlia Hawthorne

23. (I really wish i could continue with the more narrative parts of this but im honestly running out of steam and ill get to the point lol. Maybe ill finish it later.)

24. Terry Fawles dies on the stand. Diego Armando falls into a coma. Dahlia Hawthorne walks free. Even after what happened to Diego, Phoenix is convinced he can do better. He sets up a meeting with Dahlia.

25. Doug shows up, trying to persuade him away from it, saying he overheard Dahlia’s plan to kill Phoenix when she arrives. Phoenix is cocky, and the pair fight. Doug gets shoved into the powerline. Phoenix, thinking him dead, panics and runs.

26. Dahlia, having overheard, goes back and finishes him off, drops some poison into his mouth perhaps. With an accidental death with a cause so obvious, nobody bothers to run blood tests (until Miles)

27. Its years later, and Phoenix gets a note that tells him they know what really happened to Doug. Phoenix arrives to a meeting place to find a dead body. He picks up the vial of poison almost absently. 

28. After all, Dahlia had gotten rid of Diego and Mia was dead. Now all she had to do was get rid of Phoenix

29. It plays out similarly to case four, with Phoenix being absolved of the first murder, then confessing to the old one. Miles has gone through the work to save his life once, that he cant not do it again.

30. but happy endings (ish) for all, with Phoenix being freed, Dahlia imprisoned and Miles having a better understanding of both him and Phoenix.

31. maybe more happens but we’re at bullet point 31 so its time to stop for now lmao. uh but yeah! roleswap au..... brainrot really.

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part six (aka me losing my mind over the final problem)

Hi, I am once again reminding you all that I've formed a parasocial relationship with the crackhead detective 👍 This made me overly emotional for the fact that he didnt even die

But like

hhhmmmmmmmm those were certainly an interesting 14 pages

Yeah, I already made a post about how the final problem relates to yuumori's final problem and how incredibly sexy it is but yes now I'd just like to relay to you how absolutely heart brocken i am over this lol I will eventually get to reading the post hiatus stories i just. I haven't emotionally recovered from this yet

Yelling below the cut somehow this reaction feels longer than the story itself. but it's about half cracking jokes and half sobbing so be prepared

I mean, starting off strong with "well yknow since i got married my and sherlock's Very Intimate Relations had to be modified and all but we hadnt seen each other in a while so it was kind of jarring to see him crawling in my second story bedroom window clutching Wounds and closing the shutters absolutely fucking wasted losing his mind over some dude named moriarty"

We've been over this but. Oh my god why are they gay

I just like????? Imagine how fucking bizzare that would be to just see your old homie crawl into your window bleeding on your floor and asking to exit the other way in case he's followed like "hey bro can we Talk i hope you're not busy" WHAT IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO, SAY HE IS? Imagine watson just like "no dude I'm fucking busy go get killed"

But legitimately. That's certainly something. And like, I see a lot of books starting like this lmao but. Holmes's stuff usually starts off kind of easily with watson going "yeah so lately ive been Experiencing Sherlock Holmes" and spend 20 minutes on exposition with them having a Conversation but no. mans just fucking escaped a hitman and went directly to his boyfriend's house having apparently Never Before In His Goddamn Life mentioned his actual nemesis to this guy. How the FUCK has watson never heard of him before.

And how sherlock starts talking about it isn't any less funny he's just like "UHHH SO THERE'S THIS GUY. THIS ABSOLUTE MAN. AND HES REALLY IMPRESSIVE I MEAN HES LIKE SUPER FUCKING SMART AND HES LIKE DOING CRIMES????? SO I LIKE. I NOTICED AS I DO BUT HE NOTICED THAT I NOTICED AND I MIGHT HAVE MADE A LITTLE FUCKY WUCKY DUDE CAN YOU HELP ME LIKE. FLEE THE COUNTRY" and watson's like my dear sherlock What The Fuck

Im also loving how he calls moriarty a "mathematical celebrity" awhi;grih;oaewhhta;ioh;iaewh;ii;oewh;eh;rg mans just. ok lol hes a Math Celebrity that had to quit his math teacher job because EVERYONE JUST KNEW HE WAS A CRIME LORD LIKE THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT HIM AND WENT MANS DEFINITELY HAS BODIES IN HIS BASEMENT I DONT WANT HIM TEACHING HERE

But yeah, it was interesting to see what the big deal about og moriarty was... especially since the deal simply did not deliver. There was not really a big deal. It's like reading the first chapter of a book and immediately skipping to the climax. Everything is so hyped up and clearly having been building for years and you just get like NO CONTEXT. I swear Moriarty wasn't goddamn mentioned any time before this. He's just suddenly the big guy and watson has just never fucking heard shit about this guy.

What's so funny about this whole situation is that I just. Cannot objectively know anything about Moriarty at all because sherlock just... does not go into what this dude's alleged crimes even were, other than. The fact that he like. Does them. He's just really involved in crimes. How? Why? For how long? In what way? For what purpose? NO FUCKING CLUE HE JUST. HE JUST DOES. And there's nothing to really suggest that Moriarty was honestly a really evil guy. They're all like trust me he was just. he was just really bad but show absolutely No examples of being such. The most evil thing we saw Moriarty do personally was call sherlock stupid for letting him get into the apartment. And even then he immediately followed it up with complimenting him lol

yeah, my impression of Moriarty was like. I expected him to be worse, honestly. I expected him to be like a cartoon villain because he was kind of made out to be one and then he's just honestly a really polite and refined guy?? Mans strolls the fuck into 221B like hi shawty and it is Not like yuumori obviously man's holding a gun but like. What the fuck they are just. They have never met before but They Clearly Have and it's. its so weird

Like honestly I don't dislike og moriarty. He's really what william tried to be (and fucking failed, but beside the point) but like. Dude's so powerful and for what. He just walks into the apartment with No Pretense like why sherlock holmes is that a revolver or are you just happy to see me oh my goodness you are a dolt why would you hold the gun that way. disgusting. disgraceful. dreadful. Oh my god. I love him I'm sorry

abngnahhghifeah;iewh and Why does sherlock describe him like that hes like "MANS A REALLY REFINED LIZARD /pos" HIEHIFEHW:HGIHOEWFEEW FOR WHAT. FOR W H A T

baaaaaaaaghhhhhh but likeeeee they went STRAIGHT to "you know what I'm here for" "you know how I'm going to respond" "well then" "yeah" "mhm" "damn well it really do be like that sometimes" "ur really smart by the way" "im fucking aware let's kill each other as we both Thought in our Minds" "yes lets" AHDHDHDHDFS WTF THIS IS INSANE

But damn uh. mutual destruction my beloved this is very different from sherliam but im not. im not. opposed to it tucks hair behind ear

I just. Holy shit they really went "if you destroy me I will ensure that we both go down hand in unlovable hand" "I wouldn't mind that"

Annnnd I just noticed that the actual lines for this part kind of. that kind of happened in chapter 31 when sherlock was like i would Gladly die to take down the lord of crime and william was like. hahahah yeahNO NO NO NO

BUT SERIOUSLY THO IM LOSING MY MIND OVER HOW SHERLOCK SAYS THIS WHOLE THING TO WATSON AND HES LIKE DAMN SHAWTY HES LIKE THE REASON FOR HALF THE CRIME IN THIS CITY BUT HES SO NICE THO??? LIKE I EXPECTED HIM TO BE TOUGH AND EVERTHING NO HES JUST SOME POLITE PROPER UNDERSTANDABLE MAN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE VERY DIABOLICAL shawty is having a Crisis

And then watson is like wowww that was cool you wanna spend the night and sherlock is like "UNFORTUNATELY BESTIE I AM BEING FUCKING TRACKED DOWN ID LIKE YOU TO NOT DIE WITH ME"

This bit gave me a Moment Moment because oh my god. Then watson is like "no shut up i'm coming with you i don't care" and i just had to Take A Minute because THEY SWITCHED PLACES AAH SHERLOCK IS TRYING TO KEEP WATSON SAFE NOW AND WATSON IS NOW MORE RECKLESS BC OF HIM AND. AHHHH

Completely random but. How sherlock still refers to 221B as "our rooms" to watson even though watson hasn't lived their in years........ shawty i am emotional.........

SO THEY GODDAMN FLEE THE COUNTRY TOGETHER BC WATSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER AND SHERLOCK HAS A MOMENT WHERE HE'S LIKE YEAH NEVERMIND PLEASE GO HOME WATSON AND WATSON IS JUST LIKE. NO. AND HSERLOCK IS LIKE. DAMN OK I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY THAT BEFORE

But. Ok as funny as this is. They have this fucking Conversation on the train to switzerland where sherlock is like "I have not lived in vain" and watson is like "YOURE NOT DYING" and hes like "i have not lived in vain. like i said. this will not be a bad way to die" UHHHHHH DAMN SHAWTY

hhhhhh and it just Gets. it. it. it Gets. These fuckers get to switzerland and they stay in a hotel and then leave for reichenbach but watson gets this goddamn letter telling him that hes needed at the hotel to basically save this lady's life. And he doesn't. Like. he doesn't even want to go he's like FUCK IT SHE CAN DIE IM NOT LEAVING YOU but sherlock convinces him to go fULLY KNOWING THE LETTER WAS FUCKING FAKED BY MORIARTY JUST AS A PLOY TO GET HIM ALONE

AND THEN HE JUST. WENT ANYWAY AND WATSON HAD TO WATCH HIM JUST LIKE GODDAMN WALK OFF INTO THE SUNSET LIKE "LITTLE DID I KNOW THIS WOULD BE THE LAST TIME I WOULD SEE HIM BUT IT JUST. IT HAD THAT VIBE YKNOW"

God I just. Wow sherlock really did that huh. He really went and did that. And I went over it in the post about this compared to yuumori but it just RUINED me how watson just. Never saw what happened and there's just so little information about it that all they have is these assumptions and pieces that just suggest that these guys met up, walked up to the goddamn waterfall having a nice civil conversation about how talented and smart they both were at this and how they revealed their methods to each other and complimented them because of course they did

And they just sat up there talking to each other so long and Moriarty legit waited politely or even possibly was the one that suggested he write a letter to watson in which sherlock just went "damn lol moriarty's pretty nice actually anyway uhhhh sorry watson ily ✌" and just like. left it up there in his damn cigarette box

But just like. damn the insinuation that moriarty just sat there and watched while he wrote that entire goddamn letter, sealed it up, and then got up and went alright buddy let's go but it makes no goddamn sense if they wanted to actually kill each other and assure they themselves would survive I could name like 23 different ways they could have managed it so easily and they Didn't. they were really set on mutual destruction huh. There's no way they were even trying to do anything but Die Together at that point and that's Something huh

It absolutely baffles me how they could say that these guys had plummetted like, holding each other tho. Like. ok lol but How Do You Even Know

It was certainly a ride. But the fact that Watson had to actively try to think like Sherlock to figure out what happened in the scene was just. The cherry on top. Especially after they'd consciously started to switch roles in this i just. Damn.

In conclusion uhhhhhhhh gay people real I suppose

[snickiebear]

yo nadia <3333 i'm bored in my online classes and u reblogged the questions thingy at the right time lmao, so get ready: 1, 4, 5, 9, 10, 17, 23, 24, 28, 30!!!, 34, 38, 39, 40 (the intimacy of being understood) (imma stop here lol) (also i'm sorry u're not feeling well, ily and hope u'll feel better soon!! <33333)

ELE ILY. (and thank you, i’m stayin home today cause,,, yeah. i appreciate you sm.) you’re the literal best, i adore you. 

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

The first fanfiction i read was for The Lunar Chronicles when I was like 11?? and it was 100% on accident and it scarred me because it was a hardcore porn one with a period kink and i was like WHAT IS THIS??? OH MY GOD???? LMAOOOOO i didn’t pick it back up until i was 13-14 and really got into the Fairy Tail fandom. I still reread my favorites on ff.net cause i love them. 

As for writing, I wrote a horrible, terrible x-men fanfiction when I was twelve. (my friend still brings it up and REFUSES to delete it so it still gets comments and views, that shit HAUNTS ME ELE.) then tried again for Fairy Tail, posted like two chapters before taking it down cause i wasn’t really feeling it. And then I posted The Intimacy Of Being Understood and here we are. 

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

OMGG okok 

@murd3rm1ttens ‘s The Problem How Time Works IF YOU HAVENT READ THIS YOU GUYS NEED TO HOP ON IT ASAP. MITTEN’S WRITING SO SO SO SO GOOD. SAKURA AND INO ARE TOTAL BADASSES. KAKASHI IS A SIMPPPP. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. 

@mouseymightymarvellous ‘s We Were Screaming In Color (Only A Possibility) yes, yes I KNOW. i always point into mousey’s direction but i WILL always advocate that everyone reads her fics, they’re literally so beautiful???? i just happen to be rereading WWSIN rn 

@safelycapricious ‘s Shaking Up And Breaking Down series. I found this like?? idfk but i’ve been raving about it ever since. ALSO CHECK OUT THEIR FICS IN GENERAL. 

fuck i have more than three but also check out @ambivalens999 ‘s Masks

i do wanna make a fic rec thing where i just rav about my favs,,, might do that later or sum

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something?

Omniscient third person. I don’t like it. Like I can understand that it can be a little hard to stay in one person’s perspective but, in my opinion, if you can, it shows how disciplined you are as a writer. Plus, i just get so confused when I go from A’s thoughts to suddenly what B is thinking about A. 

When writers use ‘ ‘ instead of “ “. When writers put thoughts in ‘ ‘ instead of just italicizing them. It’s small things but like they just bother me sO MUCH. most of the time i can ignore it and try to enjoy but other times i just dip. 

9. Tag 3 fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfiction community.

@espoir-et-reves !!!!! THEIR SHISAKU FICS ARE SO SO SO SO SO GOOD. And they have a warring states one going on THAT I AM SO OBSESSED WITH. 

@writer168 idk if they’re really “underrated” but THEY HAVE SUCH GREAT FICS ON AO3. Like theres an AU with sakura, kiba, and shino that i reread constantly because it just. is. so. fucking. GOOD. and they posted a new one that i’m YELLING about. 

@eggtoasties okay they only have 2 in the naruto fandom (one shisaku which is still ongoing) BUT THEIR WRITING STYLE IS SO NICE?? I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I still go back and reread their shikasaku one cause UGH i can’t get enough. I love it. 

10. What’s your favorite fandom, pairing, or character to read fic for?

Fandoms: Naruto, Soul Eater, The Old Guard, ATLA

Parings: KakaSaku/ShikaSaku/ShiSaku/MultiSaku, SoMa, Joe X Nicky, Zukka

Character: SAKURA. I will read anything with Sakura as the main character and her being a fuckin badass or becoming a badass. I love her.

17. How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

aha.. haha.. well. I check my email like three times an hour. its the first thing i check in the mornings too. I’m literally a whore for praise and literally eat up feedback like its going out of style. I also reread a lot of my stuff because i make so many mistakes and spelling errors, or the spacing is weird oR SOMETHING. plus, literally any and all comments make my day, i go back and reread them cause they just make me feel so tingly and warm like “wow. this person enjoyed the fic/my writing enough to tell me. thats HUGE!”

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

Angry, feral, bloodied, morally gray women. They aren’t bad guys, they’re probably the good guy, but that doesn’t mean they cant be fucking raging at the world with raw knuckles and blood on their teeth. I just love an angry woman who struggles with her emotions and just has so much inner conflict but that doesn’t take away from her character or badassery, it adds to it. 

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

The fake dating or miscommunication troupe. LIKE GUYS JUST TALK. AND TELL EACH OTHER OMFG. the entire like obliviousness of “nah they dont like me” while the They holds their hand and kisses their cheek. MOFO WHAT. it makes me so impatient and like mad HAAHHAHA. its probably because i’m a pretty confrontational person so seeing stuff like that just “cmon bro, USE YO HEAD.”

28. How do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)?

I have yet to receive a negative comment! Which i was really surprised about tbh. As for deadlines or pressure to update, i just kind of do whatever. I do set goals, but i set them flexible enough that hey, if i can’t do it, that’s okay. 

I have a lot of mini goals, like “i want to write this chapter and get it done this week” and then the large goal is “FINISH BY END OF MAY” so i have time. 

Actually, now that I think on it, the entire pressure to update thing is probably why i’m waiting until I have all of OL&W written to post it weekly,, cause well. I wouldn’t wanna leave you guys waiting as I tried to write and work out the next chapters and stuff, you know?

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

AAAAAA YOU KNOW I LOVE THESE AHAHAHAH

Have you seen the way the dead dance, World Breaker? They roar, half mad and starving. Do you not wish, do you not hope to see them twist and bend and dance to your will?

Shikamaru snarls, looking behind his shoulders to where his Shadows lay. “Patience.” He spits. “Is of the essence, Things of Ancient. Know your place as the dark you are.”

34. How much of yourself and your life experiences do you put into your writing? What do you think your readers’ image of you is?

None of my experiences match up to anything I write tbh,,, probably the only thing that is me in my writing is maybe the emotional turmoil? I’m pretty emotionally and mentally mature because from a pretty young age i started forming my own opinions, started looking into the world around us and being like “dude what the fuck this is not what disney advertised”. Then i started talking (read: arguing and debating) with my dad about a lot of it. So, like emotions are kind of hard for me. Like i’m pretty good at controlling them or understanding them, but still. idk its hard to explain ig.

Like the weight of stress, the anger, the sadness. It’s kind of therapeutic to write. Cause i don’t know how to put those feelings to verbal words so writing them really helps. 

As for my readers’ image? Probably like some kind of hunched over figure typing away in the dark with a maniacal grin on their face. I honestly don’t know AHHAHAHA but it is fun to think about. I think they’d see me as someone with potential but a lot of room to grow and someone who is imperfect but in a charming way LMAOOOO

38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?

I’m gonna be real honest. Its probably like a 2. I’m a bit of a control freak so I almost always go in chronological order, my writing is pretty linear. Unless, i get bored and jump to one of my fav parts. It's pretty much i sit down, i open the doc, read over my notes and just start writing. 

It’s a little boring to explain AHAHAHA but once i get into the groove of things its really fucking great, I can like feel myself in the world, I can feel what i want the characters to, i love it. I catch myself mouthing the words as i type too, which i find hilarious.

39. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I rather like how raw my writing is sometimes. Which might sound really vain, but i do like the way i word things or describe things. I love juxtaposition and repetition, or making a good ole circle back to some minute detail that wouldn’t stand out until i repeat it at the end and you’re like “omg” AHAHAHAHA.

Like those little poetic snippets or certain wording i just sit back and go “damn thats kinda good nadia! go you!’ HAHAHA  

40. How did you come up with the idea for The Intimacy Of Being Understood?

AAAAA this fic is like my first child, my pride and joy LMAO

so the idea initially came when i was reading some fic, idk if it was even naruto, but i was like “i don't like this, but i do like the rain symbolism.” And I knew i wanted to write something kind of slow paced, something a little sad and angsty, but would show KakaSaku slowly but surely falling in love.

Idk if you’ve noticed but a lot of my fics, the pairings don’t change each other dramatically. They accept each other as they are and then they grow with together. Like that acceptance is something i just love writing, its so subtle, it isn’t something you declare. Its simply “I am going to love you. I am going to love you despite your flaws and faults. I am going to love you unconditionally because I know you, I understand you, and there is nothing you could do to drive me away.” 

The fic kind of wrote itself after that first scene. I kept going back to the rain, go being ghosts, and resurrection, and the small epiphanies one gets. I wanted to focus on each character’s growth with each other. They didn’t find light in life because of each other, but with each other. And i think that’s my favorite thing about that fic. 

I wanted something raw and real and just something beautiful. I’m actually really proud of it tbh. Would i go back and rewrite/edit it? Oh of course! I’d do that with every single one of my fics, but i’m not gonna cause i think its in its rawest form right now. :))))

ask me shit plz

[flesh-into--gear]

whenever I see my lgbt dudes on here posting things about modern lgbt shows, movies, music, etc, I always begin to feel kinda like a failure as a trans/lgbt person. I haven't seen any of these things. I'm barely immersed in the lgbt culture at all; most of it that I know is all either from my birth-through-early-teen years, which really only consists of the middle of the riot grrrl movement which was the early 90s, and whatever misguided but extremely important at the time (read: Will and Grace, Xena was on the way out by the time I was able to watch it and this was before you could really just watch reruns whenever you wanted) was on television later.

(I really can't tell you what Will and Grace secretly meant to me, as a young teen, in a time when that was pretty much the only show that didn't have lgbt people specifically as a punchline in a straight narrative. even when I didn't understand what I was feeling. sure, it's dated now and it definitely has its issues, but the context of the media environment at the time was so abysmally straight and mocking of lgbt people... you had to be there to understand it I guess.)

I didn't have the exposure to a lot of that stuff. I only had cursory exposure to the RG movement; I only recently started digging back into that after playing Gone Home which made me bawl like a baby and being reminded that that was around the time I was born.

I'm so happy that all of you now have so many artists and pieces of media to watch and listen and read and enjoy. and I say you guys because for some reason, despite being a trans person, I... have a really hard time actively getting into anything lgbt centric that isn't music, nor do I really seek it out. and I think it's because I'm scared of what that means for me.

because I still feel like an outsider. I still feel like an imposter, despite the fact I've been on estrogen and blockers for three months now, and all my friends and select family know that I'm trans. a part of me... I spent many, many years being completely emotionally and mentally shut off, in a severe depression, and was suicidal. I knew I didn't feel normal. I didn't know what I was. I knew I felt nothing. and would often say "if I could chose, I would have been born a girl." I didn't know what that meant. I grew up in a small backwater ass rural southern town in Virginia. "trans" wasn't even anything I knew was a thing until I was 19 at college. and that sent me spiraling even further. because I didn't know if that was me, but I knew it felt right and I knew people would hate me because of it. especially all of my friends at the time, save for two. and so I pushed it back down and forgot about it, but it kept getting harder and harder to hold back.

I spent another five years actively closeting myself because I didn't feel like I deserved it, like I didn't belong there either. like I was making it up. basically just reinforcing a lot of the things I hadn't necessarily been told, but had been suggested to me with other events in my life that we won't get into here. and when I finally came out to myself and my friend who would eventually become my partner, I had a full on break. and when I came out to my sister, I had another full on break. I'm awful at doing anything that benefits me, another byproduct of my upbringing, and this to me was so hugely personal, clearly I couldn't deserve it and I was just faking it for attention. I was an ugly bearded hairy dude who is still (some of it is coming back) losing his hair. I would never be a "real" girl nor did I deserve to be because of it. it was selfish and stupid and I should just keep being a boy like I was told when me putting on my sister's recital costumes started getting a little weird once I wasn't 5.

I've been on tumblr since 2010, when I was 18. off and on sometimes, but overall, consistently on since 2010. and this site was my first true exposure to my community. and who I was as a person. and so I started looking into it on here. finding trans people (which was kinda hard at the time still?), and a lot of lgbt people. and it was kinda like coming home. I discovered myself here, really. I did. and that's stupid to say, but this was my first real exposure to who I was. and I still felt like an imposter, despite what every bone in my body was screaming at me.

and so cut to current me, sitting in a bathtub, extremely hormonal, watching @rozecrest (I'm so glad you made that post on antipollenkids letting people know you switched, thank you! I hadn't seen you post anything and I was hoping nothing had happened to you) and @ezurad and @numawaffle and so many others on my feed posting these modern pieces of media that I would have killed to have had when I was younger. I kinda wonder if I would be different if I had had them, but that's another thing for another day.

and despite you guys constantly posting all of these amazing things I love reading and seeing, I still feel undeserving of consuming them. I also get hyper-emotional, and stuff tends to stick with me months after. I still have only partially recovered from Gone Home because that hit so personally and that was six months ago. dont even get me started on "just a phase". and I don't know if any of that is problematic, I'm too out of the loop on that because I'm from the before-times but hoo did it shoot me right through my poor heart because that really was it. and in that respect I'm also terrified of it. because I know what it means for me. I'm 28, but I still have a good 14 years worth of untapped, stunted emotional development to go through because I didn't have a support network or parents willing to talk about things like that then.

I guess I'm just afraid that by diving in head first, I'm going to traumatize myself. I'm scared of the emotions and the weight that come with things like Moonlight. I'm scared of what it'll make me feel and what really it'll do to me. because I'm still extremely emotionally compromised because of my laundry list of mental health issues, and I still feel like an imposter in my own skin.

I don't know what the point of this was, but it felt weirdly cathartic to write out.

if anyone has any.... lighter? lgbt media recs please give them to me because I really am desperate for some. maybe get myself adjusted to actually allowing myself to feel emotion again. maybe it'll help me regain a piece of what I lost when I was suicidal.

also: I really want to say this. I see all of you in your own skin, fiercely defiant and unafraid of who you are and what you feel, and I just want you guys to know that that makes me so immeasurably happy and proud. I know I don't know really any of you, but I'm proud of you and I hope you all never lose that.

[justdyingslowly]

1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

-

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

-

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

-

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

-

95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

[clumsyclifford]

baby driver tell me anything about it i am a slut for that fic

you cant just say this now i have to answer like all the questions for it dont i (no i dont but am i going to anyway? yes this is your fault for being vague anon you asked for this)

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? watched the movie baby driver, thought it would be dope as a fic. the way the fic is written is actually cool in terms of formatting tho if you ask me and i really liked the idea of the song defining/being tonally relevant to the scene to show the way that music is so central to calum’s life and the way he interprets the world and relates to it so that’d be why. also the prologue is there to get in the gimmick of quoting movie lines, and the epilogue is there because after i finished the fic i realized there were more songs i wanted to use in it that i hadnt gotten a chance to LMAO

2: What scene did you first put down? the first scene! the fic was written almost entirely in order i believe except i wrote the prologue retroactively and then went back to add the lines in about halfway through

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? wow going back through this fic there’s really not a lot of narration kinda love that for me lol this is probably my favorite because i love the way it frames something calum loves in the context of something else calum loves like he wants to be able to enjoy michael’s smile in the same way that he can enjoy music so:

Michael smiles. His whole face lights up when he smiles. Calum wishes there was a song about that smile that he could listen to for the rest of his life.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? theres honestly a lot of dialogue im very pleased with in this fic cant lie honorable mentions to the line about calum watching with subtitles because i think that shows a vulnerability of him that we dont see a lot of also the line “just because i’m quoting elton john doesn’t mean i don’t mean it” feels very telling of calum’s character BUT the line i am choosing is the following:

“We could leave this town and run forever,” Calum finally says. Michael looks over at him and his eyes are sparkling.

“We already are,” he says.

“I know. It’s kind of a sad song.”

“Not anymore.”

5: What part was hardest to write? oooh hmm probably the scene where calum finally gets out of the job/pays off his debt? because that was when the fic diverged from the movie plot so i was no longer stealing from the script anymore. close second to the moment right after they kiss when calum says they can run away though

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? i just honestly? love the whole music thematic. i mean like i stole it from baby driver obviously but it was really fun to reframe it with pop punk songs (plus a couple others shoutout to loml why georgia) and then get a chance to try and write the tone of the scene around a song i don’t know man it was a cool writing exercise that i can never replicate idk how it exists

7: Where did the title come from? ocean avenue by yellowcard! song i discovered while in search of good pop punk songs for this fic (did a LOT of music research for it lol) and decided it’s a malum anthem if i ever heard one plus it gets mentioned twice in the fic so it felt appropriate to title it with that

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it? i mean......baby driver, the movie halfjgdkjgjd

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? nope!

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? i was probably just on a malum kick tbh in fact i bet this fic would work just as well for lashton i just uhh didn’t do it

11: What do you like best about this fic? how many ways can i talk about the scene/music themes before it gets annoying and pretentious? oh actually i have a different answer i really love the way calum parrots other people’s lines back to them like he borrows words from the TV and from songs and then he also borrows michael’s own words a couple times but THEN at the end michael borrows calum’s words (”I’m happy to know you”) and it just feels very poetic to me not to text analyze my own fic but khalkgjdfkja if you didnt notice that before i am shoving it in your face now

12: What do you like least about this fic? the uhh....i mean i stole it from the movie i actually think the fic’s more realistic on this count than the movie but the pacing’s kinda like....bad? like they literally knew each other two weeks, went on one and a half dates, and??? ran away with each other??? that’s why there’s that conversation in the epilogue where michael is like “we’re both crazy” like i just wanted the reader to know that i know that the pacing’s kinda wack but that’s just life

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? how convenient that i actually made a playlist for this fic !!!! it’s actually a fantastic playlist, for the fic but also just in general? so here is the link yes i do recommend each and every song on this playlist wholeheartedly especially why georgia <3

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? yes lily james was snubbed in baby driver

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? well i learned a lot of new pop punk music does that count

[tydy-the-megnet]

Let's Watch Captain Marvel

Alrighty. It's definitely late, but I finally got the DVD. So, I'm watching Captain Marvel.

I've decided to make this post about it, which I will write as I go, because I've seen a lot of discussion about the movie without actually hearing about what happens in it... so uh... yeah. Here are my thoughts as I think them:

Brie Larson looks good with long hair. Also, is Carol bleeding blue...? I want to know what that's about and if it's important

Movie is said to take place in the 90s. Space still already has flying cars. I guess Star Wars wasn't not accurate

Listen Sensei dude, if there is one thing I've learned from anime, emotions only make you stronger.

"You gave me these" *shakes fists* is that literal? Like did Mr Sensei really give her fists or is that referring to her powers...? I know nothing of Captain Marvel

He's talking about controlling impulses again. He clearly hasn't seen any anime

The Skrull are the shapeshifters yeah?

... amnesia...?

Now the supreme intelligence (god ai???) Is also talking about controlling her emotions. I still don't buy it.

Mission time. Digging the banter

"I laugh on the inside. I'm not doing that now."

Hm, not sure how I feel about the helmet thing

Hard light scuba gear? That's cool

I'm digging the kinda star wars vibe

Captain listen to your CO but also dont listen to him at all

Yeah the skrull are the shapeshifters everything makes sense now

Wait is her name Veers? Or is that what she's called just because she doesn't remember who she is?

AIR FORCE YEAH

GO KARTS YEAH

GO KART NO

More of this "too emotional" stuff?

Goose!

Digging the whole mental probe thing.

*Tries percussive maintain on a person*

"I dont know any Dr Larson"

So that had me confused bc I was like "Wasnt her name Danvers?" But Larson is the actress and I guess that's just a character????

Do I have the two backwards?

Skrull: *snarls*

Captain: *snarls back*

I like her

She fights like an anime character while everyone else is an 80s sci-fi movie

Get the boots!!!

And touchdown! Planet C-53! Locally known as Earth!

I guess Captain Marvel could be called a blockbuster hit in-universe and out huh?

I'm hilarious

Honey in basically in the space-boonies now you got no service here lol

This poor confused security guard lol

She called across the galaxy on a pay phone...? Yeah okay cool cool

"[C-53]'s a real shithole" yeah give it 30 years or so it gets worse

Okay why do people not like Captain Marvel?

She's like a mix of Tony, Thor, and Steve

Is that... Coulson? Young Coulson!?

YOUNG FURY!

I don't think that was young Coulson after all...

Or is it?

Idek

TRAIN FIGHT

Why are these bystanders trying to stop Veers(?) from fighting this obviously not normal old lady?

What kinda old lady can flip like that?

TRAIN FIGHT 2, ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

oh it was Young Coulson!

Poor Coulson

Damn, Nick

*uses AltaVista*

So it's later 90s. Got it.

Lmao dial-up

I guess they're in california?

Lmao dial-up

Ah so this is the motorcycle scene I've heard about. Apparently they cut the part where she nearly breaks the guy's fingers? Disappointing.

The skrull aren't carbon-based life forms that's so cool!

Not on the periodic table...? Let's see, in the 90s... I guess stuff like rutherfordium and onward wouldn't be on there. Uh, maybe technetium? There might be a couple others but for the most part chemistry was advanced enough.

Unless it's something beyond like 118. Which is weird to think about but whatever I should stop thinking about it

Except elements like that would have to be in group 14 yeah?

Biology isnt exactly my forte but

Okay perhaps it's what we now know as flerovium?

The elements in the carbon group should react similarly enough to be the foundation of an entire life form

That's why silicon is used for synthetic stuff a lot right?

And tin

I'm getting off track the movie has been paused for a few minutes now

I'm just going to assume they are flerovium-based life forms

Oh shit they're in SHIELD

So Pegasus is a flight team, or an AF division, or....?

"I don't know if this guy is really human. I'd better ask a bunch of questions to which I don't know the answer."

A skrull could be saying random words and it would totally work

"If toast is cut diagonally I can't easy it."

Why the heck not??????

"That was a photon blast" is that what that is? Awesome

I want Peter to meet her. I think he'd have a new contender for favorite

"A skrull can't do that. " how is he supposed to know that?

Young and slightly less suspicious Fury??

"Noble warrior heroes"

J O S E P H

NASA and USAF. Sweet.

"State-of-the-art two-way pager"

Ah the old tape-and-fingerprint trick. Haven't seen that since the 90s--oh

GOOSE

Fury meeting Goose is the purest scene in marvel

"you sat there and watched me play with tape?" Lmao

"Shes kookoo" "Kree glyphs" ":O"

Veers was the pilot

I still don't know her sensei's name

"Excellent work, Nicholas" ":O"

LARSON WAS MAR-VELL!??!!!?!

(I know who Mar-Vell is!)

Okay okay okay

More of this "dont emotion" garbage. Listen Veers, DON'T listen

FURY FIGHT SCENE

COULSON NO

COULSON YES

"You know how to fly this thing?" "Uh" "it's a yes or no question"

GOOSE

They're going to LA

(Louisiana not Los Angeles)

Cool

Why do people not like this this is great!

She's got the worst part of Thor, but the best part of Tony and Steve!

RONIN!?!??!??!?!!?!??!?!?!??!??!:0!?!?!

AUNTIE CAROL?!?!?

(So it IS Carol Danvers. Which means Larson isn't her mother. Which makes since because she's actually Mar-Vell. Who's... well, not the mother.)

The Good Lady Ms. Captain Carol Marvel "I-Can-Boil-Tea-With-My-Bare-Hands-Which-Shoot-Lasers-Too" Danvers Ma'am

"You're jacket. Mom doesn't let me wear it anymore after I spilled ketchup on it."

I dont know this kid's name but I really really like her.

"Call me young lady again and I'll put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be."

... that one is more clever with context but whatever

"Am I supposed to guess where that is?" "Your ass"

Monika. That's the kid's name. She's great.

Ah, more ancient relics they call "tech" lol

FLY TIME

Do a barrel roll

She did a barrel roll!

"Your blood is uhhh blue" "yeah but how's my hair"

Ah, "Vers" bc they assumed that was her name. Interesting.

Also I want to get super power by blowing something up that's way cooler than being bitten by a stupid spider

Is she human? Is she not? I've no clue

The skrull are the good guys. Things are starting to make sense again.

... maybe I should've pushed to watch this before far from home.

... huh.

... is she human?

Okay so I'm still a little confused but I think I got it.

Though I won't say I dont want something else to blow up

"Those aren't coordinates they're orbital vectors." "It's basic physics." "Couldnt you figure that out? You're my science guy."

"I just think you should consider what kind of example you're setting for your daughter." That's it. That's the best line in the whole movie. Time to go.

Her suit can change colors on a whim!?!

That's awesome

I DIG THE NEW LOOK

I mean I saw it in Endgame but

"How do I look?" "Fresh" lmao 90s

RONIN NO

GOOSE YES

"What's a cat?" xD

"Why would I turn into a filing cabinet?"

Space lab. Cool.

Is that the tesseract??

THAT'S THE TESSERACT

She can pick it up!!

Does that mean she could've wielded the Infinity Gauntlet??????

Pinball lmao

968700!?!???!??!!?!!??!?!???!??!?!??!?!?!?

HOLY FLERKEN SHIP

GOOSE

YES CAROL

GET EMOTIONED

KICK HIS BUTT

GOOSE NOOOO

Those bastards

"Only human" HEY I RESENT THAT

THE FACT THAT YOUR HUMAN FILLS YOU WITH DETERMINATION

GOOD LADY MISS CAPTAIN CAROL MARVEL DANVERS MISS AWESOME MA'AM SENPAI SAMA

SHE'S A SUPER SAIYAN

PURE OF HEART AND AWAKENED BY FURY

(I'm still hilarious)

GOOSE DID THE THING

This is awesome why dont more people love it???

"Good kitty"

This very quickly went from Star Wars to Dragon Ball and I am loving it

She really is an anime character

Did she? Is that? Nerf gun?

Okay Carol isnt that much god mode there was just a nerd gun on the floor okay cool yeah sure

"Just like Havana" TALOS YOU BEAUTIFUL--

Remember how captain america jumped to the outside of a plane and fought through it? Yeah CM just did that in SPACE take that Steve

Still dont know how I feel about the helmet thing though

JUST LIKE BEGGAR'S CANYON BACK HOME

RONIN

Yeah, those are explosions

Ronin: O_O

Ronin: .... yeah bye

"I have nothing to prove to you."

HECK YEAH. GO CAROL. LASER HIS BUTT.

Fury lost his eye! GOOSE HE TRUSTED YOU

*thinks back to that moment in Winter Soldier*

"You were Solar and the SHIELD agent?" Omg Carol yes keep up

Fury SINGS?!?!

So like, are her powers just straight up energy manipulation? Because that's pretty cool. Really versatile, too

The way she started the engine makes it seem so

And then she just,,,,,, flies away. Into the night. Like stardust in the wind.

Dig the jacket, though

"The Protector Initiative"

It begins......

"Is it true? The Kree burned your eye out because you refused to give them the tesseract?" "I will neither confirm nor deny the facts of that story"

Lmao Fury

"CAPT CAROL "AVENGER" DANVERS"

"The Avenger Initiative"

It didnt actually show it but we know

Also, dig the music

Aaand now we see, 20ish years later, the snappening

"I wanna know who's on the other end of that thing"

First of all I love that they dont call it a pager because it's 2018 wtf is a pager amirite?

Second, I love how Carol is just there. Great reveal. 1007391861604016/10

"Where's Fury?" D:

Better question, where is Goose???

*one roll of credits later*

Oh! :D

Lmao the tesseract

God this movie is amazing

[ozymandiasdirge]

okay this is a few days late but a collection of hamilton thots after seeing it for the third time

i feel like all these years later im still blown away by the way this show does motifs/leitmotifs better than almost any thing else ive ever read/watched/listened to. (maybe undertale comes close but)

to see it with three different casts (there’s some overlap) its so so interesting which aspects of the roles get chosen to be accentuated....more detail on that later.

this is mostly just me being a nerd but if i was still in school i feel like id be going into a sprial of early french/american relations because it is such a fucking weird rabbit hole to go down from 1777-1815 but yall came here for music opinions not historigraphy opinions though there will be plenty of those because i cannot resist.

washington exudes such father energy (not dad energy father energy there is a difference) onstage especially during one last time it’s like...astounding.

i had forgotten that during the reynolds pamphlet he walks past alex h mid nervous breakdown and gives such a “im so viruently disappointed i have to go die” look that i myself was sinking down in my seat next to my own mother.

ive seen julia harriman play eliza twice and she is literally just....a god tier performer she’s so good that’s it that’s the whole bulletpoint

i had almost forgotten how horny “say no to this is” and there were like 10 year olds sitting behind me and i was like....my god

speaking of i had a very strong drink during the act break and jefferson’s “my god” during “we know” literally nearly had me fall out of my chair.

washington on your side is so fucking underrated we do not appreciate it enough thats that on that.

this is necessaryily play related but i just remembered how hamilton had a whole essay about how people were probably too stupid for democracy and typing this up on the morning of robert mueller’s testimony...i have to say....that may be his greatest legacy and also yeah

can i just say how god tier lin manuel was to not have yorktown be the act 1 finale like, every other show it would be but nope we have to build up to the entire cast getting to belt on non-stop (which imho beats out quintet from west side story dont @me)

on the one hand i really really really wish we’d gotten more with hamilton’s parents because it really just.... explains so much im torn, because the only things he says about them (besides burr’s constant bastard, son of a whore) i believe are when he mentions them to eliza in “helpless” (my father left my mother died i grew up buckwild), in “dear theodosia” (my father wasn’t around, i swear that i’ll be around for you) and the single line in “hurricane” (i was twelve when my mother died she was holding me we were sick and she was holding me i couldn’t seem to die) make it so much more impactful when it does get brought up so...im torn. i think i just want a quality prestige miniseries but alas.

speaking of i feel like i noticed more this time the amount of times from my shot until the very end hamilton is just like “im ready/willing to die/i never expected to live long enough to have to deal with all this” then i remembered lmm’s interview where he was like “i think he was ready to die from the time he was 14 years old” and deadass nearly starting bawling in the middle of the theater. before its quiet uptown came on and i did start bawling and just didnt stop until the play was over.

of course every song in here is amazing but i feel like i have to call out hurricane particularly because it’s just......literally its so fucking impactful and i think.....throughout the entire play it’s the best look we ever really get at hamilton without any obfuscation on his part, even more than my shot and just the line “and when my prayers of god were met with indifference i picked up a pen. i wrote my own deliverance.” is just...i can’t even comment on it,  it just speaks for itself so...yeah

more genius pacing, the fact that burr doesn’t get his i want song until the middle of act 2 is some of the most genius writing ive ever seen in my life.

also on the opposite side of the coin from that during “the election of 1800″ when burr tells hamilton “im chasing what i want and you know what? i learned that from you” and a chill goes out over the audience as they remember that this story ends with one of them fucking dead l m a o anyway

im never going to get over the way that a. burr and a. ham completely switch roles for the first and only times in their lives and it ends up with one of them dead and the other one (in the plays context anyway) forever stained its like....hello 911.

also ive gone back and forth on whether or not i think its too sympathetic on burr (thats a whole nother video essays worth of opinions, but for the most part i think its fine) but i have to hold back a laugh at his worst fear out of the duel is his adult daughter being orphaned but being fine orphaning a man with seven children under the age of 20. like....the audacity.

also im such a slut for metafictional commentary on storytelling (hello the social network i see you villian) like....hamilton balances so many other themes but god “who lives who dies who tells your story” as a line and a song are such good thesis statements.

okay here’s the only place im gonna get serious and unfunny gigi you’re literally never funny shut up. i know certain historians and people on hottakes.com have issues with this historical aspects of this play. and all i am going to be saying on that is that i think lmm traded 100% historical accuracy for telling a good story, making a good salient point, and going more for what feels right than what is completely black and white true. and i think he was respectful to the real history (as much as real history exists etc. etc.) that its fine. like was thomas jefferson a flamboyant dandy who ran around in a purple suit overflowing with cockiness? no, he was the opposite. does that portrayal of him get across his blatant hypocritical old money ruthless and amoral treatment of anyone who wasnt an old money white male virginian who refused to fight a war of independence in his own country but stoked the reign of terror from an ocean away in france but comdemned it in haiti. no, to a late 2010s audience i dont think it does. so yeah....that is my discourse on the subject. everyone else is welcome to their own opinons on it but here we go.

[arofili]

all of the silm asks.

river we can’t keep doing this,

1. Have you ever called out a friend or a relative in front of a bunch of people? What happened?lmao no??? what kind of question is this??

2. What are your three most valued possessions?uhh idk, ever since i got robbed last year i feel like i realized that the things i valued most aren’t...tangible? like everything is replaceable, basically. i mean i like having stuff, dont get me wrong, and getting robbed sucked, but. i guess my phone and my laptop and my notebook? i use those things to connect with people and my notebook is full of stuff i haven’t backed up anywhere else yet. but once i get it in The Cloud, all i really need is my google account tbh

3. Do you have any enemies?uhhh not to my knowledge hjhfjhfd

4. Fëanor, Fingolfin or Finarfin - who are you most like in real life?lmao finarfin probably. i try not to be a Big Idiot and i follow rules and i’m not the most adventurous. tho i probably have some nolofinwean traits too, if i say i’m gonna do something i will stick to my word

5. Best canon ship in the Silm?do turin and beleg count? no? okay, in that case probably aegnor and andreth. (i’m a slut for doomed interspecies relationships, dont judge)

6. Best m/f ship?uhh, this one was harder than i thought it would be! since i already said aegnor/andreth... i know i really like the canon peredhel ships so elwing/earendil and elrond/celebrian are very good! and i think caranthir/haleth is really interesting too, but i don’t see them as romantic

7. Best f/f ship?hmnnn... i mean ALL the f/f ships are so good! i guess- nienor/finduilas is some Good Shit right there, and i’ve always liked anaire/earwen!

8. Best m/m ship?answered here!

9. Best canon friendship?uhh, all of them?? ok but: luthien and huan,, my HEART! (also aredhel and celegorm and curufin!!)

10. What made you read the Silmarillion in the first place?the fandom, tbh! when i got into the tolkien fandom thru the hobbit movies i devoured all the content i could but i never thought i would be a silm person, but then all the posts seemed so interesting and i was starting to enjoy the silm by proxy and fanon so i decided to read the silm and never looked back :’)

11. Ainulindalë and Valaquenta - yay or nay?i mean they are definitely the least interesting parts of the silm, so nay? i’m not really sure what this is asking? i don’t think they’re pointless or anything, but i cam here for the ELVES

12. If you had to describe yourself with a character from Tolkien’s works, who would it be?answered here!

13. Where in Middle-Earth would you most like to live?answered here!

14. Who is your dream partner from Tolkien’s works?they are all such DISASTERS...i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t gimli and/or fili though, lol (in an aro way, ofc)

15. Which two characters would you want as friends to defeat Voldemort with?luthien and ... finrod! both very powerful and good people!

16. Your opinion of Eru Ilúvatar?i don’t think he can be judged by human standards, because he’s so inhuman. like, elves are kind of Super Special Magic Humans but Eru and the Valar are so far removed from that... I don’t think Eru is evil or anything like that. i think the valar can’t really understand the Children and their conflicts come from that - idk about Eru, though, we don’t see a lot of him. he seems very powerful and absent, i guess? he only really intervenes when the situation is Truly Dire and then he shows more of a force of unimaginable power than like, divine mercy or anything

17. Favourite AU setting?i really like the two-steps-to-the-left-of-canon AU settings where everything is juuuusst slightly more magical than it is in canon and things like wraiths and revivification are more commonplace. that may be cheating though so i got to say that i’m always here for scifi/space AUs! (normally i’d go right to modern AU but i feel like because of lifespans, modern AUs fall apart with the silm unless you’re going very small-scale with them)

18. Favourite crack pairing/concept/headcanon?“crack” is weird in the silm because of the dubious canonosity of Literally Everything... my fav ~crack~ pairing is probably turgon/finrod but that has evolved from “crack” to “rarepair hell” for me lmao. i also really love @princess-faelivrin‘s fin-galad headcanon! and i am currently daydreaming about some way that nienor is connected to goldberry - oh and tar-miriel as the witch-king is always a good one. really, anything that keeps the ladies alive for longer!

19. First, Second or Third Age?i mean they all have their good parts, but like... first age, probably. third age has gigolas and all the characters from the hobbit, which is tempting, but there’s just so MUCH to work with in the first age! second age is neat too but i’m not really a numenor person so...

20. Funniest moment in the Silm?tie between turin throwing the cup at saeros and “GET THEE GONE FROM MY GATE, THOU JAIL-CROW OF MANDOS”

(if turin and feanor ever met, arda would collapse)

21. Saddest moment?i mean, turin killing beleg always fucking gets me, but also maedhros’s suicide and also the nirnaeth arnoediad and also just the whole fucking book!!!

22. Do you read/understand/speak any of the languages or alphabets?lmao no!! with resources i can put together names for folks and i can recognize certain elements of words, but that’s about it.

23. Who is Gil-galad’s father?i’m throwing my hat in the ring for Orodreth, but that’s only when i don’t want to make it like, a Thing. i really love explorations of this uncertainty (@elvntari‘s gil-galad fic springs to mind, as does @thishazeleyeddemon‘s lalwen theory, maybe with cirdan as the dad, and fin-galad is again a blessed concept) and i’m also very fond of the idea that his parentage is “no one in particular” and that he just stepped forward to claim the throne when no one else wanted it. really i’m open to every interpretation! except fingon. i don’t think it’s fingon. i mean, it could very well be that fingon is his dad as in he’s the one who raised him and claimed him, but if we’re going biologically i don’t think fingon contributed any genetic material to gil-galad

24. Angbang, Russingon or Silvergifting?i mean this is a no-brainer. of course it’s russingon! i do enjoy angbang and silvergifting, but like cmon.one of these days i’d love to write a really long angbang fic detailing everything btwn them, probably mostly from mairon’s pov, from ainulindale to the fourth age but that would be an undertaking. i do have a lot of tiny ideas for them that would be fun to weave together. as for silvergifting, just...poor tyelpe. poor dude. but i am suuuuch a slut for russingon lmao.

25. What would you most like to see in a tv series or film based on the Silmarillion?i would LOVE to see a book-accurate version but like. that’s VERY unlikely. a COH adaptation would be neat but probably too dark to make it to audiences without being seriously watered down. Beren and Luthien might be able to do it, if they could condense the supporting lore around the story. that’s really the problem with the silm - it’s like a greek myth in it’s epic sprawl. there’s so much story that you can’t really take just one aspect of it to the screen without taking all of it. if you don’t know about the silmarils you can’t do B&L, if you don’t know about the nirnaeth and the histories of nargothrond and doriath you can’t do COH, if you don’t know about the sundering and the exiles you can’t do literally anything tbh.BUT i would love a COH adaptation, if it’s done right. or a very ~experimental~ take on B&L. i have a lot of ideas of how to incorporate all the different versions of that story into one cohesive canon... ok i admit it i just want to see telvido on screen!!! and also werewolves are neat!!

also i’ve said it before but a 3-act play set in numenor....HMM that would be some good hsit. really, i think the mariner’s wife would make an excellent drama, but again there’s so much CONTEXT around numenor!the 3 acts would be 1. elros’s transformation into tar-minyatur (there’s so many possibilities to explore! it’s basically uncharted waters once you get to the details!) 2. the mariner’s wife (a pretty faithful adaptation, also tar-meneldur’s monologue when he passes the scepter on to aldarion is just. WRITTEN to be performed on stage imo) and 3. akallabeth (again, lots of ways this could go. i also think it would be really neat to double cast elros and pharazon. and sauron should be double cast too, though idk who as.)

anyway, wow this got long, oops. i have a LOT of silm opinions!!

[fangwhoria]

11/11/11

thank you so much to @fluffythewritingplant the god of my existence for tagging me!!

Rules: Answer 11 questions, Ask 11 questions, Tag 11 people!

okay,,,, you asked 15 questions. you even numbered all of them, so it wasnt a mistake,,,,, idk if im just supposed to pick 11 or if you just got excited of if you legitametly don’t know what 11 is,,, Either way im gonna answer all of them cuz people who are bad at math are valid and i love talking about my wip!!

1. What is your favorite part of writing?

you know that moment when youve been kicking yourself over a plothole in your wip for ages, and suddenly something just pops in your head and all the pieces fall into place? yeah. that feeling

2. Do you prefer reading or writing?

i dont have much time for either right about now, but id have to say writing only because im kind of a control freak and if im writing the story it goes the way I want it to

3. How many people have read your stuff?

not many! those of you who see my posts on here and one of my friends occasionally. im very self concious about people who can see my face reading my stuff

4. How many people irl have read your stuff?

like,,, maybe 2

5. Are there any books or movies that inspired your writing?

percy jackson made me a writer

6. How many WIPs do you have?

only one main one atm, but another has been pushing at the back of my mind for a little while, but that ones just a couple of scraps of story

7. What are some ideas you had to throw away because you just didn’t have the time to work on them?

ive nevr had to throw things out because of time, but ive had to scrap some cool things because they either didnt fit in the plot, like in one of the early versions of FYofH where Johanna was acting as a fortune teller during the time Delilah was deceased, or a year ago i really wanted to write something about fairies but i just didnt have enough ideas for that story to really develop it at the time. One day ill go back to it

8. Have you ever written any poetry? Wanna show some of your stuff?

lol i hate writing poetry with a passion, but here ill write a quick one, just for you

*ahem*

Sometimes

I want to 

lie down

in the woods

and become one 

with the roots

There you go! an elle original! right off the top of my head!

9. What’s your favorite line/scene you’ve ever written (several are possible of course)?

im particularly fond of this one from a couple days ago: 

She felt like ice was building up inside her, starting at her heart and encasing her internal organs, then her bones, until ice was forming around her eyes and mouth and slowly covering her entire body until she was nothing but ice, an icicle previously known as Johanna.

and since im too lazy to go through my file of nice lines by elle, heres a thing i wrote at 3 am a month ago while high on cold medicine:

Shes In love with the giddess of desath beacuaes she loves biug tiddie goth gf but since she s agod they canmt be togtgher and since shes a witch he cant deie to be w her so its angsty and sad but big tiddie sun lady UInserstands the gays and is like “its okay lol”n ajnf that s hweom its endas

10. What’s your favorite quote

not really a quote but the whole song No Choir just really inspires me, ya know? like happiness doesnt have to be this big amazing complicated thing, it can be as simple as just sitting with someone you care about

11. What’s your favorite quote by someone you know?

“Knowing the surface area of this chef boyardee party hat is important because if your child has such a big brain from eating so much chef boyardee, we have to make sure the hat will fit”- my friend while she and i were giving an academic presentation. i will give no more context than that

12. What’s your favorite book?

SO MANY--- Carry On will always have a special place, as well as Percy Jackson, and i LOVE the Raven Cycle SO MUCH  and miss peregrines is super wild but soooo my aesthetic

13. Which book do you regret reading?

looking for alaska by john green

14. Is there something you regret writing?

i dont regret anything iveever written. they were all learning experiences that were essential tomaking me a better writer. 

Okay maybe i regret that lams college au just a little

15. If your OC’s were actual people in your life, what would your relationship be like?

they would all be annoyed by me because im annoying

if you actually read all of this youre my hero

my 11 questions are to pick 11 questions from the list i just answered

tagging these absolute heroes: @lauraswritingjournal @nkta-ink @vasilisapeadarsan @inexorableblob @cawolters @kenny-d-juice @katabasiss @floortile-flowers @writer-in-drag @towaniisme @ink-on-poppies no pressure yall!

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.