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tremendum · 2 years ago

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landmines

pairing: joel miller x fem!reader (afab, use of she/her, use of the word girl once) rating: explicit. (18+. mdni.) word count: 6.2k summary: (straight lines, they unwind you she does a little thing with her eye that says “we’re off soon,” she says the bleeding’s incidental ‘cause she’s so cool she said “I’m no fun if I’ve only a bottle of wine” and now she’s doing it all the time ) or. “he saw how your hands shook when you exchanged rations for those damn pills. hell, at one time in his life he'd felt his own hands shake in the same way. so Joel doesn't get to be all high and mighty with you, after all.” warnings: Pre-TLOU, set in Boston, canon-typical violence, age gap (mentioned & undefined), joel and reader are in love but joel can’t deal with his emotions, mentions of drugs use (painkillers), drinking, brief and minor allusions to religion, angst, alcohol/drug abuse, this is about reader and joel's drug addictions, and about reader's struggle with going clean (PLS DO NOT READ THIS IF IT IS HARMFUL TO YOU. keep yourself safe <3), love confessions, brief mentions of withdrawal symptoms (reader gets a nose bleed), brief mentions of smut (unprotected PiV, creampie, multiple orgasms, soft its kinda vanilla tbh), fluff. notes: this just came to me while listening to Milk by the 1975. heavily based off of the lyrics of that song and just something I needed to get out of my system. also written in both Joel and reader’s POV, but tbh it’s mostly Joel’s

recent joel fics: fever Mr. Miller

★

there was something so conspicuous about the lines you created with your fingers.

soft music crackles odd over the weak signal in the corner of the room. a breeze chills your bare skin over your head as the swell of the concerto sends shivers over the blades of your shoulders, smoothing over your form as you hunch at the table.

you need this.

stray swipes of plastic - marred around the edges from rough use down with FEDRA or from wear-and-tear of jobs in your life; it's the flimsy, pathetic evidence of your existence within this QZ, within this society, within life. you are here.

your own identification name and photograph stare up at you with a bright smile as you scrape strict lines out with your hands.

currently, you are here, but soon, you'll be a little less than that.

the powder slips through a crack in your nail and you wince, groaning at the smidgeon loss that quite literally slipped through your fingers. but sooner than you'd expect, your irritation is eased with the sight of the jar to your right, nearly empty of its bloody red contents. you smile gently - you're almost out. maybe Joel will come to your rescue soon with more refills; you'd traded enough items as of late to be rewarded with something as delicious as his presence.

slipping up towards the cabinet, you remove your glass from its resting place and set it on the table, completing your sweet altar of peace before you.

the glass you pour the crimson into is smudged but still cherished; its place in the cupboard always rimmed with the absence of dust from daily use despite the scarcity of the product itself. you work hard for these small rewards.

but the thud of your door busting open looses your focus and you can't help the yelp that you let out, head turning on a quick swivel towards the entrance, gauging the severity of the intrusion.

the startled movement of your hand sends the glass tumbling over, acetous red seeping over the grains of wood under you and you grunt in irritation, sighing towards the intruder who's now cost you that very last half a glass of wine.

your door swings on weak hinges as the broad shoulders that you'd know anywhere stumble into your small studio, seemingly overestimating the power with which he'd need to throttle the frame open. there's a denim shirt that stretches over the arms and chest of the intruder, the top buttons undone and revealing golden skin kissed with the sweat of the day's work.

you sigh as Joel Miller's sharp gaze hits you.

"you made me spill." you whine. both of you recognize the adoration that laces your words, straining them of any hostility that might flood through you had it been anyone else to startle you.

a moment of peace as he shuts the door and lumbers into your space, face laced with a sort of exhaustion and irritation that you've grown used to. a hand wipes over the facial hair of his mustache, jaw set with unvoiced exasperation as he stalks forward. "you should really be lockin' that thing, you know." he grunts, face ridden with the displeasure of his easy entry.

you sigh, knowing he's right, "but I knew it'd be you that's coming round, Joel. why lock it for you?"

it's a fair statement, because if anybody in this life were to make you safe, it's him. but he clearly doesn't accept that as he rolls his eyes; sometimes, you wonder if he sees you as a nuisance.

the drawl of his slow accent leaks through his words as he stares at your little altarpiece in front of you, the way your your chest is wet with the spilt wine, your face flustered in your embarrassment. "y'can't always be expectin’ me." he mutters and the words should feel bitter to your ears, but there's a ring of falsehoods that lie within each syllable and it just makes you smile.

you just press your tongue to your teeth; "right. I’ll keep my axe by the door." you say, hoping that’ll soothe him.

you don't want to press it with him today, because it seems he's in an odd mood anyways, his eyes trained on your small little art project in front of you. so instead, you stand to rid yourself of the red that stains through your shirt.

"y'got that thing workin' I see." he states, jutting his jaw to the side towards the radio that crackles with the classical music gently in the evening air. streaks of bright orange paint his silhouette from where he props himself, the dying light of another boring Thursday being swallowed by the sweet nighttime air.

you nod, clearing your throat, "y-yeah, um, I fixed it up this morning before heading down to sweep." you explain, fingers keeping the wine-stained cloth away from your skin. you'd seen him earlier today already - he was working down in the other quadrant this week, but he showed up to see Tess and you while you worked sweeps. he had to discuss business with Tess, leaving you sticking out like a sore thumb when their hushed conversation turned their backs from you. it'd taken a turn recently, since the last mistake you made on a run with Tess. you'd almost died and Tess was nearly there with you, saved by the skins of your knees and a shot through a clicker's head.

Joel didn't really like that all too much, and ever since then you'd been kept on the sidelines. only repairs for inside the QZ, now; Joel and Tess would get the parts you needed from elsewhere for you.

"what are you doing here, Joel?" you ask, though at this point it seems futile to ask him something so obvious- just as expected, he ignores your imploring question. instead, his hand sweeps over your table in a confused motion, gesturing pointedly to just where your guilt falls into three tidy, straight white lines of powder.

you bite your lip.

"c'mon," he mutters, shaking his head as your name falls from his curled lip. "what are you doin' with all this? it's more than a week's work."

you send him a heated gaze; a week of your work, not his. you tell him just as much, in a way.

"it's not a big deal," you defend, crossing your arms; as if that'd protect you from the truth that you almost caved in again after several days of going through the motions, starved of the high that you so craved. (you are here.) your eyes are torn from the floorboards as Joel huffs in irritation, this arms bulging as they cross along his chest.

his eyes flicker over your form in a hawkish gaze, his nostrils flaring in anger, "get yourself cleaned up." he snaps.

it's an order, and you're smart enough to listen.

alone in your room, Joel recognizes the piece that plays over the radio, the kind of music you could have heard at a ballet way back before all the shit. some piano piece by some guy- Satie, he thinks you've told him before- something way before your time, before his time, even. he's sweeping the sweet lines you'd created into a baggie and pocketing them while you're gone wringing your loose top in the bathroom bitterly. he knows you’ll be upset with him, but it’s for the better.

you stare bitterly at your shirt; the red rings down the drain in a vague pink trickle.

it's quiet in the small apartment but not in an absent kind of way. it's a more tired, angry quiet. the kind that Joel carries with him everywhere in town; the kind of quiet peace that has befallen your life ever since earning your name tangled in with his and Tess's those months ago.

it's not that life in Boston is peaceful. nothing is, anymore.

but the things that Joel and Tess do for you, for whatever reason - be it the parts you can fix or the items you've found easy to smuggle for your bosses; or even just your personality, your ability to survive and still flourish despite all the rot of the world - it's nice. and they trust you.

you like Tess, you trust her. she's kind of like an older sister to you, in some ways. the world's birthed out a new kind of life for the people like you, who were too young to remember the before of it all, and maybe Tess sees in you a sister to protect, to survive with.

Joel, though... your head peaks around the corner of the bathroom before you slink back out, almost as if you have a tail tucked between your legs, face burning with something between anger and shame. Joel.

Joel is someone vastly, deeply embedded into you. it's something that you never expected, but meeting him only a month after you met Tess, after you survived the trek from Springfield QZ to Boston, there was something within him that just clicked with the two of you.

and he’d seen how your hands shook when you exchanged rations for those damn pills. hell, at one time in his life he'd felt his own hands shake in the same way.

so Joel doesn't get to be all high and mighty with you, after all.

even he knows that.

when you round the corner, shirt wet and stuck to the soft skin underneath, his heart flutters slightly in his cold chest. he didn't want to pick a fight with you; he was fucking tired. and with you and him, it was always the same: he'd overreact about your safety, or your using, and you'd yell at him that he isn't in charge of you. then it'd get all- as he liked to call it - thick, muggy with the words that he cannot, will not say and the words you yearn to whisper.

you never do, though. so it ends with anger until it's somehow resolved and he sees you the next day on the street.

one time, you'd gotten into such a heated argument that you did not speak to him for six days. he'd gotten angry at you for trying to smuggle something too big by yourself. you'd gone and gotten yourself beat nearly to a pulp by a bunch of assholes and Joel was beside himself with the gullibility, the naiveté of it all. and he'd been real fuckin' mean to you about it, enough to spring large tears of anger in your eyes and earn himself a smack across the face - a harsh one, at that, because you know well how to defend yourself.

but then, you'd really shocked him. you'd told him he was weak because he can't love anything.

he wasn't sure where that shit came from, and maybe it was coupled with the resurgence of emotions from his past - something he did not allow himself to think about - but it just made him more angry.

it ended in an ugly roar of anger and unspoken feelings. he didn't see you for almost a week.

Tess stopped by instead of him to trade for parts or pills, checking in on you with subtle questions that turned into blunt statements. you'd pass him on the way to a job in the mornings, eyes sharp as they saw right past him, jaw tilted with that spunky defiance he so admired in you.

his heart had hurt the whole time, even when your birthday came round and you showed up meekly at his front door to ask if he'd get you some sugar and eggs (he realized as you spoke that you were planning to make yourself a birthday cake). instead, with a lot of huffing and ignoring those all-knowing looks from Tess, he'd baked you your own goddamn cake, showing at your door with the shameful attempt at the confection to effectively end your near-week-long standoff.

you'd cried at his knees out of his thoughtfulness, as you'd called it. at his willingness to just pretend, for a minute, that everything was okay. he didn't know how to feel about that.

he knows the anger that he feels towards you is synthetic; a covering that he throws on top of the storage unit full of things that scare him too much to uncover - age, safety, responsibility, affection, happiness, protection, pain, surviving.

but consequentially you bring it all out of him anyways and light the fire of anger more than anyone else, even those goddamned pricks who paint the insignias onto every street sign in the city. and he never knows how to just talk with you, even after all this time.

you make him nervous like a damn schoolboy in the hallways seeing a pretty girl.

this life is cruel in so many ways; unfortunately, happiness is one of the worst. way back before all of this shit happened, Joel would never have favored sadness, or pain, or hurt, nor sorrow. but the twisting, bitter truth is that he's no longer content with that same, dull pattern of emotions which swirl languidly in his chest that have just nested within him. life in Boston is just that - life. and for the last few decades, he's done what he needed to survive, and that's how it was.

but now, he's got you.

and that's not really anything he'd thought were in the cards for him, not after so many years alone. Tess was his partner, and he trusts her with his life. but you - you. his sweet girl, too much for this world yet not enough at all; with your music, that stubborn independence, light of laughter, and those straight lines; the ones that always seem to unwind you and never seem to stop.

you told him once that you're not sure if Joel Miller was the type to love something. he's not sure either.

when you're face-to-face with him again, the sheepish grin melts from your lips. the absence of the crushed pulls, your identification card, the rolled up scrap paper you'd made into a makeshift straw of sorts paints a bitter look on your face as you stare up at him.

you know he took them intentionally, to help - so the warmth in your chest from the gesture of good faith tells you not to bark at him.

he's trying to do the good thing for a friend right now. it's the same thing you would do anytime you come over and Joel's halfway down a fresh bottle of that amber liquid he keeps on him at all times. you appreciate each other.

so you just pour yourself a small glass calmly, aware of his eyes on you. "d'you want some, Miller?" you ask, back turned from him to fish out a glass.

he lets out a chuckle, "no, darlin', wine ain't really my thing." it makes you grin, because yeah, you did know that. you know a lot about him. you shake your head, tilting it slightly as you settle yourself back into the chair you'd perched on before his company.

"right." you smile at him, a glinting in your eyes as you shrug at him. god, that look. you're tempting him all the same, with your eyes or your smile or just you.

"I took your shit." he admits, knowing there's no point in hiding it. he was a very blunt man, always has been. life's easier that way.

you sigh, shaking your head, "I-" you stop yourself from griping at him for being a fucking babysitter, instead trying again. your eye drops down to him in a wry little wink, your mind static with the noise of his knuckles against the scruff of his jaw. "come on, Joel. you know I'm no fun if I only get a bit of wine." you try to joke, crossing your arms as the liquid breaches your lips, head itching for a bit of euphoria. "I just... I need some of that other shit every once in a while." you try to defend. “I’m getting better.” you convince yourself.

something pops gently inside your sinuses, and as you sniff slightly, you feel the gush of movement.

his eyes are hard as he stares you down, but he soon swears under his breath, turning to grab the rag that sits on your counter. your hands rise to your nose to cover as the blood starts to drip from your right nostril - fuck.

you tilt forward slightly the moment you have the urge to lean back; when you'd first met and he learned about your habit, Joel'd shown you to reduce swelling and swallowing blood to lean between your legs. "I'm fine, Joel-" you start to argue as his grip finds your bicep, "shut up, now." he snaps, clearly upset.

it hurts you to hurt him like this.

licking your lips, your eyes fall onto his own, the movement of his jaw as his plush lips clench, brow furrowing in anger. if you could just- if you could be bold enough to just once surge up and taste him, maybe it'd all be different.

maybe.

"Joel, it's-" you break off, eyes flickering to the pocket you just know he shoved your pills into, roaming over the denim, "it's incidental. it's dry outside now, allergies and shit."

he shakes his head in disbelief, growing tired of you skirting around the problem and not outright saying it.

"you think you're fuckin' special, don't ya?" he grunts, storming over to shut your windows, leaving your body with a cold chill of reality.

the rag he gave you comes away from your face bloody. no, you're not yet a corpse, but you still rot away.

he sighs heavy, like he has to make a grave decision in the face of a troubling truth - had you really gotten to a point where this was an issue, or was Joel just protective? you're not sure, but it makes you feel shitty no matter.

"y'know, it won't make anything better." he tries again through a soft, gruff sigh after a few moments. you barely let your eyes flicker to his.

who is he, to say that to you?

"is that supposed to be some kind of joke, Joel?" your words don't have sharpness, instead you're shrouded with that kind of disappointment he often finds in your eyes every time he can't say the things to you he wants. the things he's afraid of, the things he knows you're not afraid of. "don't you think I know that? you went through this yourself, you've told me that you know how fucking hard it is." you defend, knuckles white as you sip a bit of the wine.

he sighs; a deep, heavy sigh as his fingers pinch his frustrated brow. "I know-" he starts to explain himself, but you shake your head, tired.

"don't say anything about it, Joel. I get it." you sigh, "it’s 'not the same', for whatever bullshit reason you can come up with this week." your words are harsh but they're not mad.

you're not angry in the way maybe you should be towards the hypocrite that stands tall and sharp in front of you.

instead you stand, moving to let yourself fall onto the ratty couch that sits miserably in the corner of the room. you're fucking tired - your body aches from the exhaustion of the week's work, of fixing up all that shit for Tadeau who honestly cheated you out on the last payment. worse, though, you're tired of this push and pull with Joel; where he shows up to bring you what you need, stays and watches with commiseration as you try to feel something - sneaking sips of his own liquid gold until his cheeks are a pinkish red, matching the heat in yours.

but you're most tired with how, recently, it always ends with arguing instead of maybe just- being with each other. you're just tired of stepping over eggshells that may actually be landmines.

landmines like I care about you too much and I just want you to feel something like what I feel for you, because you deserve it.

"I'm just-" he cuts himself off with a resigned look. hardened. I'm just worried about you.

he doesn't sit on the couch. your wine is forgotten on the table now, because the most intoxicating thing in your life stands in front of you with his full, undivided attention just on the way you curl up on the ripped sofa.

the sun is setting now and if Joel doesn't leave soon, curfew will pass. you hate it when he stays over, sleeps on the sofa; your bed always feels huge and guilty beneath your body when you can hear him toss and turn all night, air tense either with anger or with the desire to continue to exist within each other's company even after the exchange of good-nights.

"how is this different from your thing?" you ask, the defense rising up like bile in your chest, swirling inklings of doubt and fear within your chest.

perhaps it's because he's right. his fear is real; he's gone through this before, and as badly as you want to believe him you also just can't keep pretending he's just a really good friend. because it's Joel fucking Miller, and he doesn't have friends.

you're tired of the fogginess of which you lately haven't been able to escape. and if Joel is afraid of something... then you know you should run from it like hell.

he doesn’t respond to your attempt to make him, so you purse your lips, shame curling up your cheeks. you try again.

"I have been trying to- to stop." you admit, fingers tangling into themselves. he heaves a deep sigh and makes the trek over to you, dropping onto the sofa next to you. his thigh brushes yours and the both of you tense, though you pretend you don't notice. you know he likes the touches - subtle as they are - because in a world like this, affection was a weakness but it was also an incredibly fierce strength. it was scary, but it felt right.

he was always just like you, in that way.

"I know you have." he resigns with a nod, eyes flickering over to yours with a gentleness that is only ever reserved for you these days. “’s a good thing.” he acknowledges.

you swallow the heavy lump of regret in your throat because you're done hiding all of this shit. "I'm sorry. I don't- I don't want to let you down."

but there it is - the line that Joel had invisibly, wordlessly drawn in the sand of your blurry relationship. especially when the sun is almost gone, and it's not enough to know that you're not together just because words have never expressed it.

any time you do this, toe this line he’s made, Joel has to close up from you. and you understand that. this is the line - where you admit something vulnerable, something you're both feeling, only for him to go completely the other way. because he’s scared.

he shakes his head in almost disappointment. "you should be doin' this for yourself." he says sternly, jaw tightening as he moves away from you. push and pull. and he is right, you should do this for yourself.

and you are; every damn day you wake up, get dressed, go to get some work done for rations so that you can survive in this hell of a life because you really do love this life. the feeling of belonging somewhere, with him and with your friends and Tess. but it's hard to express that to him when it's like talking to a brick fucking wall every time you mention feelings.

you let out a choked sigh, tears rimming your eyes as you huff, "you're right. I am. I just- I don't really want to fight like this," you sigh, heart thundering with anxiety. "not tonight."

he nods shortly, looking across the apartment to your trinkets that lie everywhere. he doesn't know how you do it - the apartment is full of them, just random shit you find around and treasure enough to keep. it brings life to something that shouldn't have it in the small, crumbling studio apartment that should take life out of people - but your place, it gives people life. it's a glimpse into how things should be, how they used to be. your items are a look back into a life that you never got to have; things that he'd see as trash. but truth be told: in your place, they're so you, and he supposes they're treasure to him anyways. "neither do I." he mutters, hand falling into his lap.

you should probably remind him that curfew is soon. he knows it is, though, you know it'd be pointless to remind him; it's clear that this has become one of those many nights he'll spend on your lumpy couch.

you say something else, instead. "I saw Jonah fall on his ass today while shoveling."

he chuckles at that. shaking his head, he looks down at you, at the sunshine in your eyes despite the sun's dip below the crumbling remains of the city; you're smiling up at him, giggling to yourself at the sporadic noise of his amusement. you're amused because he's amused. you want him to smile.

he wishes, fleetingly, that he could be like you, more alive, more full of love and life and - and happiness. naive as it may be.

that was the kind of gift you brought for him each time you came to see him or he came to see you. somehow, you fill him with words he doesn't know how to express. and you never make him explain them, you just feel them.

"he deserved it." Joel decides with a smirk, ignoring the monstrous green envy that licks at his lungs at the mention of that young pup that followed you around for months, nearly begging to have you.

he remembers when you'd shot him down; much to Joel's shock, you'd said you weren't interested in him. you've said that about just near every damn person who has set their sights on you.

you shake your head at him, smacking him lightly on the shoulder and leaving a buzzing warmth on his skin as you do, "stop it, Joel. you're awful." but you're still giggling, grinning nearly ear-to-ear. "he-he did, though." you agree, smiling down to your lap with a laugh.

his face feels warm as you settle into the cushions, lulling your head to settle it onto his shoulder. the light weight of it blankets his heart in a warmth he swears he hasn't felt in decades.

"never understood why people keep that boy around." Joel shakes his head, "he's a dud."

you let out a soft laugh, staring up at Joel with disbelief, "c'mon, Joel." you tilt your head with a stare at him. he blinks back, jaw clenching as he leans back, wincing as he adjusts his back.

you shake your head as you laugh yet again, "he's not a dud. he's actually quite resourceful for those assholes in the square. creepy, but smart enough." you shrug, pulling a stray seam from the couch beneath you. he sighs- you're too kind for your own good, sometimes. "he's just terrified of you." you add, lifting an accusatory brow.

"don' know why." Joel chooses to mutter, and you send him a look yet again. Joel doesn't need you to remind him why that boy Jonah was so afraid of him, he remembered damn well on his own.

he'd just made sure you were safe, was all. and after it’d happened, you’d spent the whole night convincing Joel that what he did wasn't scary, just protective. worried about his friend.

there's a streak of pride that runs through him, knowing the boy wouldn't come near you again. you deserve to be comfortable, to feel safe in this city, this life. and if Joel can try to do anything, it's that.

"yes you do." you say it so gently, it's less than a whisper. but Joel, emboldened by the soft light of your single lamp in the corner, the crackling of the classical music in the corner, the ambiance of the settled sun, nods his head.

you make it seem so simple. he looks around your apartment; at the glass that's filled but forgotten, at the ripped and faded posters for bands that fell from existence before your birth; at the plants that flourish in your care, at the clay pots and spare keychains and old magazines that you've collected for so long. you make it so damn easy, he realizes.

so for once, why can't he indulge? he knows you wouldn't stop him if he were to try and kiss you right now. there have been several times, in the heat of an argument or after a close call during a smuggle route with you where he's almost just leaned down and gone for it. and each time, your sunshine-eyes have called him in, begged him. pleaded with him.

but he's always avoided that; it's like stepping over a landmine each time. and those landmines just seem to pile up and pile up these days.

the landmines; the ones that are starting to seem more and more like eggshells just waiting to be crushed.

so with a shallow swallow of pride, he crushes them all with one sentence.

"yeah, I do. ‘s because he knows you're mine now."

well, this was certainly new territory for you and him.

you stare up at him after he mutters those words. his eyes are sharp, serious, jaw ticking as he searches for your response. your heart thunders at his admission - the willingness to admit anything even remotely close to affection has never come easy for Joel, if at all. it's almost scary.

but he doesn't look dishonest, or regretful. there's a flicker of insecurity, of course; but deeper inside, there's acceptance. you've been patient with him, and likely will be for the rest of your life - he's ready to be patient with you, too. you let out a shaky breath, afraid that any burst of movement or emotion will scare him away like a wounded animal.

"yeah." you utter, mouth dry, "I'm- I'm yours." you agree.

it was never spoken out loud before; it wasn't really even suggested except for by the prying eyes of others along the street, noticing the one and only soft spot Joel Miller has: you.

hell, even Tess hadn't mentioned it to either of you out of fear of hostility, fear of cannon-balling feet-first onto a landmine the size of the whole QZ.

you and Joel.

but there is simply no alcohol or pill on this planet that will taste the way his lips do, and you know it. you yearn to taste him. "Joel..." you mutter softly, leaning forward as your arm curls around his bicep. your chin tilts up and his eyes, lidded low, meet yours.

he ought not to do this. there are reasons he's held back from touching you, kissing you, making you his before. there are hundreds of reasons that this is a bad idea, but as you stare up at him with the warmth of the sun in your eyes, warming his cold bones, he caves in. he would give you anything you want.

that's just the way it's always been with you and him, he realizes.

your face is close to his, and you stare up at him with longing, desire, need dripping from your whole being. his hand falls onto your denim-clad thigh, his thumb rubbing light patterns as you lean closer.

"why would you let me do this?" he whispers, a ghost against your lips. tilting your head, you furrow your brows, "l-let you?" you shake your head with a soft smile, "I have wanted this since I met you. I've ached for you." you admit feebly. "isn't this right?" you ask, insecure. your brows are pulled together in anxiety and he wishes to smooth out the frustration with the pad of his thumb. "shouldn't we be together?" you ask, almost broken.

his stomach curls with emotion at the tone of your voice, pleading with him. his groan vibrates through your entire body as he sighs, "darlin', you're askin' the wrong man that. y’know I'd tear the world apart to be with you." he admits, feeling the grace of your smile over his own.

"I want to feel-" you beg, hands roaming over his chest, "I want to feel you. please." you ask him gently, and his stomach twists because you know he'll always cave for you.

"I'm a bad man-" he starts with the spiel he's given himself every single night, laying on his mattress or on your shitty couch begging his mind not to dream of your soft, supple skin.

"stop that, Joel. you sound foolish." you shake your head, sunshine in your eyes lighting the whole room. "this life is just how it is, and you are how you are. I am yours, and you deserve to be mine, too."

he swallows roughly as your lips brush against his, and his heart feels the trigger of a pressure plate; he knows he isn't going to be able to stop the words from falling from his lips as soon as they part.

"you're- you're everything." he admits breathlessly, eyes searching yours.

the world explodes around you and even with Joel's shitty ear he can still hear the ring of your laughter, of your smile, of your happiness. his words are broken and choked up from disuse; he's not sure when the last time he said those words were, and he cannot open that closet full of skeletons right now.

but it doesn't matter, when you say your next words with a smile bigger than the whole world. "I love you too, Joel."

and when he takes you on your lumpy couch, your moans are sweet. saccharine. he swallows every single one with his own lips, your fingers tangled in his curls.

you taste different than he'd expected - more sweet, more caring. your skin is soft and your touches on him breathe new life into him.

sure, there are a lot of things that Joel cannot and probably will not ever be able to say. you know that, though, and as you come undone around him, spasming in bliss and sobbing out his name as if it's the only thing you can remember, it's all he can do to pull you closer into a tight embrace.

it's fully dark outside as he pulls orgasm after orgasm from your strained body, gone limp from his love; your lips are bruised and so are your hips, but there's still that sweet smile on your face as he moans your name out, finally able to let go. the couch is on its last leg, crumbling beneath your bodies as you wrap your legs around his lap, squeezing him tighter as you pull your chest to his, your lips to his own. his words are dirty, uttered into the shell of your ear as his hand trails down the line of your spine, pumping up into you until he's shooting spurts of his seed deep into you.

he paints you with his love, and though his words are never enough, yours are. he can't believe those things that you left unsaid for so many months would taste so damn good after they were detonated. both of your fears, entangled with each other in a life nothing like what you'd hope for, are enough to keep your hands entwined even after you're both spent.

his hands are gentle and intoxicating as they clean you up, wiping down your slicked thighs and your spent body, his lips soothing over every mark he'd left in his wake.

and finally, as sleep overtakes the both of you, Joel finally slides under your covers with you. he pulls you tightly into his warm chest, the lumpy couch forgotten. his lips ghost over your neck even after you fall asleep.

your hand twitches in his when you mutter his name in your sleep. he can't help the smile that grows on his lips.

maybe, you could guide him through all of those landmines.

requests open.

#Joel Miller #joel miller smut #joel x reader smut #joel miller x reader #joel miller x reader smut #tlou #tlou fanfiction #the last of us smut #the last of us x reader #the last of us #pedro pascal x reader #the last of us (hbo)#the last of us (tv)#joel miller x you

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blueishspace · 9 days ago

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Hero, Villain God 12

(Prev) (Next) (First)

*Grian's pov*

In the end it is not vigilantism or villainy that ends up being the hardest part of this act you have created.

It isn't even music production as even though Ariana's youtube's channel takes a lot of effort and skill you did not expect to need it is still not that big of an hassle once Mumbo decided to help you.

No, the biggest challenge yet is mundanity, Grian was only a being you created as a civilian identity to stand behind the other more interesting personan... You put thought into the other but you never thought too much about how to be a civilian.

You have created yourself an identity but you never prepared yourself for living with it and you are slowly realising that knowing from an outside perspective how to do something is much different from actually doing it...Also as the god of chaos the rules of reality tend to slightly bend around you which makes doing menial tasks paricularly complex...

...Case in point: Cooking. You thought it would be easy, you have seen others do it in the past so it shouldn't have been hard.

And yet, "shouldn't" is the key word.

"Mumbo? You are back...sooner then I expected"

"This...this is the time I normally come home"

"Oh ..."

"Grian, what?"

"Did your hair...lose...weight?"

"Grian? Are you cooking something?"

"Yeah ... You could say that"

"W-well mate, what do you mean by that?"

"I was cooking...before"

"Y-yeah? So? Did something happen? Did something break? 'Cause that's fine, mistakes happen."

"I uh...I might have burnt the water"

"What... ... How? That's uh... not possibile?????"

"The water just caught on fire"

"That's not- what??????"

Of course then he hears the clucking, great timing, this is humiliating.

"Is that... A chicken in the kitchen?"

"Nooo, why would there be chicken in the kitchen? That would be weird."

"... There is a chicken in the kitchen, why? How??"

"I tried to break an egg and a chicken popped put"

"... Was there something in my coffee? This just isn't...ok whatever, I'm done. We have a chicken now I guess, sure why not?"

"Uh... are you going to name it?"

"You birthed it, It's your responsability now. I'm going to bed and reconsidering my life now"

...You ended up calling the chicken Cluck, hardly original but you have never been good at creating very original names.

*Mumbo pov*

Grian is an... Interesting roomate. He's exceptionally smart sometimes, he knows a lot of the natural world and hystory... He says very specific scientific facts like they are common knowledge...

He's also extremely talented at singing, which is especially impressive since he's doing so at an higher pitch then his speaking voice... It's almost like he changes vocal cords... And his drag persona? Ariana? It's stunning. You can't believe how good it is.

...

...He's also, and you mean it in the nicest way possible, a weirdo. He's not creepy or anything like that but he's extremely bad at being a normal person. You wonder about his past sometimes but you refuse to bother him about it, you of all people should know why someone would like to keep their past a secret... still you do wonder, for a man who says to have no powers he sure acts like he does.

Despite everything though...you can't deny you are getting used to his presence, he was supposed to be an alibi for you to hide your villainy behind but... Ugh, you spoon! You shouldn't have gotten this attached to this guy and you are probably going to get more attached as time passes.

It's fine, you can deal with this, hiding behind him has always been plan z and plan a has yet to fail, your project will be a success.

And if anyone does try anything... There is a reason you are called the Boogeyman.

#trafficblr #traffic smp #hermitblr #hermitcraft #grian #mumbo jumbo #ariana griande #poultry man #hero villain god au

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qoldenskies · 2 months ago

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Omg I just read the entirety of the canary continuity and I love it so much! I was crying so hard by the time I was done with it!

Also, I feel so bad for all the brothers, especially Leo, Raph and Mikey. Not only is their brother hurt, physically and mentally, but they can't even do anything cause it was (unintentionally) their fault. Their relationship has broken, and they can't even fix it, because not only would Donnie think that they are lying about being nice again when they try to help, he can't even see them before having a panic attack, thinking that they are going to hurt him (or worse, kill him).

I can't wait to see what would happen in the future chapters!

hi!!! im so glad you enjoyed!! >:D

honestly ive been rolling around the particular angst with the other three in my head, and i've been excited to dive deeper into them and how they're handling it but i need to get through a particular part of the story before i can properly switch to their povs, but you better bet it'll be happening!!!

its the pain of not being able to show him the kindness and gentleness he deserves after everything that happens to him. despite his fear and initial trepidation, he practically folds into april and splinter when they reach for him, and he panics when he sees them leave, and he uses them as a lifeline when he's scared. already twice now they've talked him down from a spiral of panic and comforted him (although theyve been unable to do it when the others are around, so they always have to make them leave. even when they dont want to!) and it's somewhat established that it's not even normally how donnie responds to trauma. he usually needs a while to sit and process before he can come for comfort, and trying to push him does not work at All, but now more than anything all that he wants and needs is the affection they CANT GIVE HIM because he's utterly terrified of them, even though its ultimately the most important thing for him right now. more than anything donnie wants his brothers to keep him safe, but he thinks they're gone, and he doesn't know when the curse started, or what part of it was how they truly feel and what part of it was the curse speaking; and even if he did, they are a trigger to him and there's nothing he can do about it.

and for raph and mikey in particular, who are so tactile and affectionate (and are just as comforted by affection as the person theyre trying to comfort in most cases) its fucking devastating. with leo with his hidden low self esteem its still awful for him, but he knows what this feels like, he's only acting so different because he can't fall back on his old coping mechanisms; because they're the thing that HURT donnie, because the curse weaponized them, so he's turning to anger (in ME he is intentionally trying to start fights because he wants to be yelled at LOL) and trying to stay productive instead. but raph and mikey generally have always had the impression of themselves that they're Good People (mikey is very confident and he hasn't really been disillusioned at all yet, and raph is someone i see to be very secure in the idea that he's a good person, which can sometimes make taking responsibility/handling guilt difficult for him. although he matures substantially around the time of the movie) so its just. shattering.

mikey never saw himself CAPABLE of doing something this horrible (he's just a kid! sometimes he struggles to see past himself!) and with raph it was a confirmation of his worst insecurity; to some extent he has always seen donnie and mikey as so much more fragile than him (he does canonically understand that donnie is very sensitive/takes rejection super seriously, and he worries about hurting his feelings. ty donnie's gifts for the brains and brawn fuel i use you so liberally), and especially when he was younger he grappled with this fear of hurting them badly on accident (and he probably had in play before), and even with the self-restraint he displayed under the curse, he still caused all this CARNAGE... and there's nothing he can do about it. donnie can't even hear his voice right now without screaming. they both need to comfort in order to feel comforted and that's been ripped away from them, and they're doing so fucking awful. cannot wait to write their povs honestly i have a lot of ideas >:)

#canary continuity #ask #giggles

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evelhak · 1 year ago

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Hey! So we talked about Kuroko and Haizaki, and now I’m curious in your vision of other Kuroko interactions.

Not shipwise, since I know you only do kagakuro, but in terms of dynamics, what are your fav characters to write Kuroko with?

Lets say, top 3 GoM and top 3 non-Gom?

Oh my friend how you're letting me go nuts again.

May I suggest you get a cup of your favourite drink and maybe some snacks?

Also how do you expect me to choose...? Hmm okay, to make things slightly easier for myself I'll exclude Kagami of course since I've been talking about them a lot already and I also believe I've talked about Momoi at length at least twice in relation to Kuroko so I'll define GOM in the strictest sense for this, but I also won't count either of them as non-GOM haha. I hope that makes sense.

Okay, not surprisingly, I'm going to start with Aomine. I love writing him with Kuroko particularly because when he's at his worst they are absolute poison to each other and they don't really even know it for lot of the time or at least understand why, and that makes for peak relationships drama. (It's complex and I love it.) They have a particular way of feeding each other's weaknesses. When Aomine is stressed out, average Kuroko's communication style and philosophy actually makes him worse in the long run. Also Aomine at his worst makes Kuroko worse. This is because Kuroko's weaknesses at his most stressed resemble some of average Aomine's weaknesses (anxious, lonely and pessimistic) while average Kuroko's optimism and understanding actually give Aomine more room to spiral down because what he's subconsciously looking for is pushback and someone he can trust to practically force him to get it together and average Kuroko is always going to be too accepting for that. However. Here's the cool part. Aomine at his best has some of the strengths of average Kuroko (loyal, secure, taking care of others) which is why when he's getting better he's drawn to Kuroko's typical idealism and particularly when Kuroko is getting worse, Aomine actually steps up, and can empathise with Kuroko at his weakest because while it's a rock bottom for Kuroko it's all actually pretty mundane to Aomine and he can stay quite level-headed about it. Meanwhile Kuroko at his best can direct the same qualities productively as Aomine at his worst does destructively (confidence, independence, stubbornness), and that's why at his best Kuroko appears like he has got the answers Aomine has been looking for after all, because Aomine is actually looking for trust but he needs hard proof for it unlike Kuroko who at his average is just able to trust that things will turn out alright for no particular reason. This is in a nutshell why I love writing the larger scale of their dynamic. It just makes for such interesting plot twists.

Also it's so God damn funny sometimes. Like, I was writing a scene where Kuroko is pretty significantly sick and Aomine is pretty significantly enlightened and although it was a rather serious scene in my story, I just happened to come across a song from some musical that illustrates the inherent comedy of their practically reversed dynamic a 100%.

For contrast here's bit from Kuroko's POV when he had to take care of drunk Aomine:

I just find them hilarious to write and they bring me so much joy.

Then, I suppose the next one will have to be Kise. I just love how they poke at each other's insecurities and how incompatible their communication styles are. You're probably seeing a theme here? I just love it when characters' personalities collide in a way that causes a lot of friction and ultimately provides opportunities for growth, so long as both are eventually willing to go out of their comfort zone. Of course it's only so satisfying because there's so much they can help each other learn, which is true here as well. Kise and Kuroko can both be particularly annoying to each other, because Kise has this habit of putting the burden of interpretation of how serious he is on the other person and that really doesn't work with Kuroko so he's often particularly dismissive of Kise. And while Kise seems like he's bothered by it I think he actually finds it reassuring because it means that with Kuroko he can be as goofy, flirty, needy and attention-seeking as he pleases with zero consequences because Kuroko just deflects it. Obviously Kise actually doesn't want the kind of attention from his friends that he gets from elsewhere, so at his core he doesn't actually feel rejected by Kuroko, he feels quite secure. Meanwhile, I think Kuroko secretly likes the attention he's getting from Kise, because everyone needs some attention. Kise is getting too much so he finds Kuroko relaxing and Kuroko is getting too little so he finds Kise refreshing. And annoying. Because Kuroko actually craves direct and genuine interaction the most, and that's why Kise's way of avoiding it can get really tiresome for him, meanwhile Kise becomes instantly self-conscious and evasive when Kuroko attempts to get some unambiguously genuine expression of feelings out of him (unless they're on the basketball court of course where it's suddenly okay to let things go to your feels). So, as I want to develop their communication I end up writing stuff where Kuroko is quite fed up with their shallow interactions and attempts to get more under Kise's skin, which of course is way too much emotional work for Kise. But it slowly gets better, of course.

A lot of their interactions for me are also based on how Kuroko needs more of Kise's easy breezy "do things for the heck of it and don't think about the deeper meaning" attitude while Kise obviously needs the exact opposite and Kuroko is a great person to make him think about what things he's just doing because it's easy and provides instant gratification, and which things he would actually find meaningful in the long run. Kise has opportunities to make Kuroko less serious and Kuroko has opportunities to make Kise more so. I think Kuroko very much dislikes any shallow or vain feelings that he has and rejects them, but Kise can help him be more comfortable with that part of humanity, while Kise is scared of his deeper feelings, and Kuroko can help him with that instead. So both can find that the feelings they dislike in themselves or make them anxious still have their place and it's better to get acquainted with them.

It takes quite some time for them to get to a point they can understand this because it's obviously not fun trying to consciously work on your insecurities, but when they get there it's really satisfying.

Now I kind of feel like showing this development. So, here are three scene's from Kuroko's POV. Although two of them are with Kagami, but they are talking about Kise.

First one is a conversation on the phone.

About ten chapters later with Kise:

And then about 20 chapters later:

I just wanted to show you because writing this kind of development makes me so excited. (The sport they're talking about is quidditch/quadball.)

The third place is a really tough one because I enjoy writing Kuroko's interactions with every GOM and I think the reason I'm going to have to pick Midorima is actually not because I inherently prefer him, it's because his interactions with Kuroko naturally happen more because he lives closer than Akashi and Murasakibara. But this is how it is because the more I write interactions with characters the more I begin to like them. Kuroko and Midorima are a blast because of their completely opposing conceptualisations of the world. The funny thing is that they might not actually be as opposing as they seem, it's just that they are looking at the same thing from different angles and describing it in language that leads them to believe they disagree more than they do. Yes they also have completely different strategies to getting where they want but maybe it's not as stark as they sometimes seem to believe. This is where the most friction in their relationship comes from and I have done my absolute best to be fair about it, because I am so much more likely to see things in Kuroko's way and I despise horoscopes. So I think another reason I like to write these two so much is that it challenges my objectivity in a particular way.

Anyway, basically Midorima describes fate as something that is above humans while Kuroko basically says you can make your own fate, if you really simplify it.

But. I have these song lyrics in my mind...

"You can plan a pretty picnic, you can pick the perfect time, but you can't expect the weather to be fine".

That thought is still true for both of them. They would both agree to that from their different perspectives. So their views are not actually complete opposites. Just their reactions and how they deal with it, are.

As funny as it sounds, Midorima is actually uncomfortable with the 'supernatural' or abstract unseen realm of things, and that's why he's looking at sources outside of himself to control his thoughts about that which is uncertain. Meanwhile Kuroko can just casually be like "hey what if a meteorite hit the bench" and "cool let's go look for ghosts I've never actually seen one" because he doesn't fear the uncertainty. He is the uncertainty. For Midorima that is his pressure point. Kuroko gets strength from the thought that anything can happen because he feels familiar with and in control of the uncertain, so he believes he can work it to his advantage. For Midorima the idea that anything can happen is daunting because it feels like it pulls the rug from under him and his hard work. He just genuinely doesn't understand that realm of things, much like Kuroko just genuinely doesn't understand cold hard facts and numbers. And that's why they have trouble understanding each other, because they are always approaching things so differently even when they desire the same conclusion.

Anyway. I wanted to do something with Midorima that I felt canon didn't really do. I wanted his way of thinking to get Kuroko off guard and even question his view of reality a little. I wanted Midorima to be able to foresee something about Kuroko because of his strange relationship with fate and I wanted Kuroko to dismiss it because he thinks his way of thinking is above Midorima's. And ultimately Kuroko would be wrong. I thought this would bring more depth to their relationship.

I'm going to show you one key scene in that plot to illustrate some of the tensions in their interactions. This is Kuroko's POV and they are at Suutoku's cultural festival where Midorima is doing fortune-telling from tea leafs.

Alright, that's it for the GOM. I wonder if there's a limit with post length...

Then the others.

Well, there's Ogiwara. And he was not so discussed in depth in canon that I have definitely developed some of his personality on my own. He was obviously contrasted with Kagami and Aomine a lot and explicitly said to have some similarities but the way I see him, he is also similar to Momoi and Kiyoshi in a particular and pretty defining aspect, and that is that he can control the emotional atmosphere of the room. So, while Aomine and Kagami have a lot of physical presence, Ogiwara and these other two characters have a lot of social presence. But the way I see it Ogiwara is also the least manipulative of these examples, pretty chill in the way that he has less of an objective, like it's rarer for him to try to manipulate things to a particular end although he generally could if he wanted to. And I think that's because he mostly just wants everyone to be happy and to have a good time, which aligns well with Kuroko's instincts, so it's no wonder if their friendship was a pretty uncomplicated one before shit hit the fan.

There's actually very little conflict between them in canon that has anything to do with them as individuals. However that's also what makes the relationship kind of stagnant and less interesting because when there's no outside force, then there's nothing about them as people that makes them push each other enough to create the level of conflict and opportunity for growth as there is with some other characters. In some ways that's refreshing, but only as a breath of fresh air. Basically in a story it just makes for nice filler. There isn't enough meat to write for an extended period of time.

That's why, if I wanted to keep Ogiwara in the story in any meaningful way, I had to make something up, and I do enjoy what I came up with. A lot. One key aspect is miscommunication that is due to the fact that although Ogiwara is socially very smooth he doesn't quite understand that Kuroko is actually significantly less so, probably because Kuroko still has emotional intelligence and the ability to match a more a dominant personality (I mean this in a broad sense, not like dominating or something) in a way that makes interaction feel smooth, because the other person is the leading force whether they mean to be or not because Kuroko can pretty much just make it so. (Like in Kagami's case it's more like Kuroko is redirecting a lot of Kagami's emotions so he's not actually dominating it's more like he's Kuroko's 'material' unlike Ogiwara who actually means to lead the interaction.) So, Ogiwara has a habit of implying things, hinting at things, speaking with gestures and believing that Kuroko understands what he's saying, but actually the implications go completely over Kuroko's head. For example, their whole promise: Kuroko didn't understand that more than anything, for Ogiwara it was about staying in touch. Of course facing each other in a game was important and exciting in and of itself, but Kuroko took that way more literally than Ogiwara meant it, and became so single-minded about this one thing he thought his friend wanted from him, that he actually kind of forgot about talking, which led Ogiwara to misinterpreted it as Kuroko not missing their everyday interaction as much as he does. Because Ogiwara thought the implication of their promise was totally clear, while to Kuroko it wasn't. It takes kind of a lot to start seeing why things that are totally clear to one aren't so for another, so they repeat this miscommunication several times and it stretches out into the future so much that it turns out Kuroko's view of their childhood is in some significant ways different from Ogiwara's view of the same events.

Writing more of them together I also found that Ogiwara sees Kuroko in a quite different way from most people and can sometimes say stuff that other people probably wouldn't say:

I'm not saying he's right or wrong, and out of context it may seem like he's undermining the fact that Kuroko didn't have much options, but it's more complicated than that, just too much to explain here. I just put this here because it's interesting contrast to write someone with a little bit different perspective to some things, because his key points with Kuroko have been so different from that of the other characters in the canon timeline which Ogiwara was mostly absent for.

A character whose interactions with Kuroko I actually write way less than I would like is Furihata. Because they have similar temperaments in ways pretty much no other characters do, and I feel they would make the kind of friends who are perfect for peer support and venting to, if either of them could just be a little more proactive about it, but that's the difficulty with a similar temperament, isn't it? It's not just my fault, it's not just that the story is already so bloated from these other relationships, it's that both of them are also going to respect each other's space too much and are generally the type to just sort of let things in relationships develop in their own time. Obviously they both have a lot of drive to make things happen when they need to, but when they don't need to, they are both the type to be more likely to just sit back and watch things develop. So circumstances would need to force them closer to get closer. So far such circumstances happen here and there but not that much. Most often it's Furihata needing emotional support and Kuroko being there, because he has already gone through the same thing. This happens several times in my writing. It takes a while for things to turn the other way around because Furihata is more likely to seek comfort from someone, and Kuroko is more reserved in that way, but once Furihata grows aware of their similarities and differences he also makes more effort to make sure Kuroko knows he can be relied upon too, which fits quite well with Furihata's growth into a captain which is part of my headcanon too.

This is probably his sharpest moment so far, after Seirin's darkest moment in my story. (Kagami's POV)

Then there's Yagi who practically counts as an OC because I've invented like 90% of his personality but I love him so I'm going to talk about him. Yagi is sort of like if Aomine and Furihata fused in some ways. His insecurities come from lack of experience and skills but he reacts to them in a similar way as Aomine to his overwhelming skills, feeling like he's alone and no one can possibly help him. He's more even-tempered and timid, but his negativity comes through in a passive-agressive way and he basically needs someone to kick his butt at all times and he punishes people emotionally if they don't. You can imagine this creates some very intense conflict with Kuroko whose gentle approach to helping Yagi integrate into the team just... doesn't work AT ALL because he's an even harder person for Kuroko to be tough on than Aomine. Kuroko can kick butt when it's Kagami or another openly aggressive person as long as they are not being vulnerable. But Yagi is like... Nope. Nothing is getting through because he wants someone to boss him around but you're supposed to figure that out on your own and Kuroko wants someone who will tell him what they need from him. Match made in heaven right. Well, still it's not hopeless once Kuroko does figure out which string to pull (with the help of Aomine haha). But yeah, it's a minefield. (Not to mention Yagi also starts out as homophobic.) But they do develop when Kuroko realises that he needs something new to help him stay out of sight and Yagi is exactly that because he's radiating negative, passive energy as much as Kagami is radiating positive, active energy so when Kuroko uses both of them he has a double cover as the neutral point between these two energies. But what makes this difficult for Kuroko to figure out is that while Kuroko is technically using Kagami to hide himself he's not using Kagami in a sense that he would need to control him. Kagami is doing what Kagami wants, and Kuroko is using that which Kagami would be doing anyway. But Yagi isn't going to do anything unless someone makes him. It is when Kuroko realizes that Yagi is actually begging to be used, that the game changes. Despite of appearing otherwise Yagi has basically zero ego. He just wants to be useful but he wants other people to tell him how. (Akashi should have used someone like Yagi not Mayu lol.) This was difficult for Kuroko to get, because despite of being as team-oriented as he is, being a shadow was still always a sacrifice for him. Had he been able to he would have wanted to be more "normal". And he still does have enough ego to want to create something for himself and be in control even if it's in a less traditional more subtle way, and he mistakenly believed Yagi would want the same. But Yagi doesn't have that kind of desire. Kuroko is willing to sacrifice himself. Yagi enjoys it. Yagi is a "soldier". Well, in this case, Kuroko is the trickster and Yagi is the rabbit= the star of the magic show who isn't actually doing anything but who things are being done to.

Or...? (Kuroko's POV)

I just love to play with metaphors.

I don't have the best action writing skills to get the most exciting games out of this idea (and a lot of it is probably so out there that it wouldn't even work) but I am actually very proud of how it plays in the interpersonal and metaphorical realm of the story.

Okay. That's it for now. Looks like I didn't run out of space. I hope I managed to keep you interested.

#knb #knb fic #TOTverse spoilers

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vanillaxoshi · 8 months ago

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Nut's pov . ( The start of the new trio )

TAPOPS (Tracker and Protector of Power Spheras) is a group that is led and created by , dedicated to find and protect the that are scattered around the galaxy .

And being a member of the station .

The name is Nut and I'm a engineer in the station who have duty to maintaining the station , spaceships and also assisting the power spheras to able stay in the station .

As a non-fighter member I mostly backup to the members who go to the field that involve fighting combat and do researching on the planets !

Although, it will be a bit lonely on the station because it was rare that someone who can handle my passion on inventing new weapons and upgrade to their gears .

......Well , I admit that sometime I went a bit over broad on that sometime.

( For the record ,Nut have cause a few trouble for over doing on the tec that cause backfired ..... but also have the case that Nut's crazy idea worked and approve by the commander . )

There's one thing that Nut enjoy during the lab .

" Hey ! Have you heard that Captain Kaizo's brother that just send to a solo mission ? "

" Your kidding ! "

" I'm not ! Captain Kaizo send him to a planet call earth ! "

Gossips that the cadets bring when they come to the lab .

" Say what is that kid's name again ? Pang ? "

" It's Fang . "

But sometimes-

" Oh- Fang . Let just say I personally don't like this kid , he probably have that mission because of he's captain's brother. I bet he didn't even have the chance if he wasn't . "

It wasn't a pleasant topic .

" Shhh! Quite down ! I don't want to get kill by the captain ! "

" Oh , it's fine Captain went to a mission ! So he wouldn't hear us ! "

" Besides , Captain didn't really show any affection towards him as if they are not siblings ! "

" But that's not a reason that you could just look down him ! "

" You- "

* Slam ! *

" Alright ! The upgrade have complete ! Now do I have to explain the new system that have installed ? "

Nut cut them off with the loud slam on the working table that he have place the finish product .

(For the galaxy shake can't they just quit it ? )

(It was obvious the one who keep bad mouthing Fang is jealous because they didn't get the chance to have a solo mission ! )

Nut is lowkey dislike that cadet , because he know Fang by heart .

He have help Fang to fix and maintain the perforation power mask before so Nut know Fang pretty well . He's a kid who have keep training hard to get his brother attention and achieve impressive skills . And captain Kaizo isn't someone that will use his title to let Fang to have that mission .

" Oh ! Thanks Nut ! I would like to hear - Um- how long is going to take ? No offense . "

" Well about a 30 minute ? And non taken , I understand . "

" Na ! I'll pass, just give back my tec now ! "

The cadet take the things and leave the lab , leaving Nut and the cadet who's still in there .

" I don't like them . "

" Same . Well then , I have installed the power up system . Now I'll teach you how to active and shut it , because it can't use in a long period time ."

" Alright , I'm all ears .....and I'll try to memories it . "

" Ha Ha ! Nut a problem ! So all you need to remember that- "

After that day , Captain Kaizo who have return the mission hand him the perforation power mask and order him to keep the mask in shape before he come back to the lab to reclaim it .

Nut is surprise and worry about Fang once he receive the mask , the mask is the only assist tool and weapon that Fang have used . Captain giving him the mask which mean that Kaizo let Fang wonder around the planet without any high tec that could protect himself .

Nut want to question the Captain but words stops at the throat as he receive a look from the captain .

.....

He hear the cadet that have listened Nut explanation receive a promotion because they perform some excellent achievement on the field with their new tec .

Glad to know that .

"......How ? "

Nut look at Captain's almost destroy spaceship in the workshop .

Today the engineers get a order to repair the ship . According to the file ,Captain Kaizo when to earth to capture the criminal that have escape from the hospital .

If Nut didn't recall wrong his name is probably called " Ejo jo " but that does not explain the big hole and the gunfire marks on the ship and the training ground's floor have destroy and scattered some unknown stone(And food ?) shards, probably relate to the opponent's power . Not mention the ship's barrier system also all destroyed .

Welp ! This will be a long day.

But to the bright side maybe he can put some new things in the ship or even made it better ! While Nut is brainstorming ideas what to do , a familiar voice come form behind .

" Nut . "

It's Kaizo .

" Oh- Yes Captain ? "

" Repair this mask and keep it until I give further commands ."

Kaizo give Nut the broken mask to Nut .

Nut felt his panic start to arise .

Before Kaizo go to the earth he have reclaim the mask , Nut assume that Kaizo will give it back to Fang snice he probably will go to visit him who also at earth .

But......why is the mask got broken in such state ? What happened to the owner of the mask ?

Nut is hesitating on asking the Captain.

" Fang is fine , he just decide stay on earth now . "

" Oh-"

" Do your job and inform me once the ship have finish repair . "

" Yes , Captain ! "

Nut watch Kaizo leaving the workshop .

" Oh- Nut before you start- "

Kaizo stop his track and turn his face to Nut .

" If you want to install something that is not original on that ship , write a report to me first . After my approval then you can do whatever you want . "

" Yes , Captain ! "

Kaizo have leave the room .

Nut feel a bit sulk on he can't fully start his upgrade on the ship but he glad to heard Fang is doing good on the earth .

After all it's not pleasant to see the person who been using his tec before , leave the station without him knowing what happened to them .

......it even worse if that tec become someone's relict .

" Have you hear ? Fang got promote to be Lance Corporal. "

" Oh I heard that ! He even got team up with Sai and Shielda now ! "

" Here ! The reparation are done ! "

" Thanks Nut ! "

" We'll buy you a meal later !"

Nut watch both new cadets leaves and lay on his chair as he let out a huge sigh .

Nut rubs his temples to ease the tiredness and pain, he haven't sleep probably for days . He have been remaking and amend the gear that will be suitable for them . It's not like he don't enjoy the fun during the process but he think he really should reconsider doing extra job that cost his beaty sleep .

" Dang , I should reschedule my time before I really pass out one day ."

" I agreed . "

" Hm ? Oh !-"

"Hi Fang, didn't see you there . "

" Hi Nut . "

" Congrats on your promotion ! "

" Thanks . "

" Do you need anything ? New upgrade ?-"

" Nah, I'll come back other day . It's not something urgent . "

" And plus you look like you really need to sleep . "

" ....... Thanks Fang ."

" ...... Hey , can I ask you something ? "

" Yes ? "

" How's life on earth ? "

" Oh ? "

" Well.......It's pretty fun. The food are delicious , the locals are nice although sometime they are harsh . The place I stay are peaceful and multi culture so I have learn over 3 language- "

" And I have made a bunch of friend- I mean literary there's 10 of them but 7 of them have identical looks , I have spend a long time to figure it out which is who . "

" Sounds cool ! "

" Yeah ! After all they get Abang's- I mean Captain Kaizo's approval ! "

" Captain Kaizo's ?!?! "

" Yeah ! After all we got beat up by him ( mentally and physically) ! "

" What ? You guys alright ???? "

" Yeah ! We win ! "

" That's even cooler ! "

" Of course ! Although....."

" ? "

" We damage the ship really bad ."

"......?"

"......"

"...... !!!"

" So it was you guys- "

" In my defense , we thought he's going to kill us ! "

........

Days later Nut receive a order by Captain Kaizo , to do a check up and upgrade a new ship . Only found of later it was a gift to Fang.

......Nut really don't get Captain sometime .

" ...... The new recruits sure are something aren't they ? "

Nut look at Sai and Shielda' s damaged shields .

" I know that you guys got order to be part of the exam but I'm not expecting this . "

" Yeah , long story Nut . How long it's going to take ? "

" Give me 2 days . "

" Hm..... Oh ! Hey Sai ? I heard the new recruits are from earth right ? "

" Yep ! It appears that all of them are Fang's friends . They have some skills but it seems like they have a hard time to control their power . "

" Api is a case , he just went berserk after I tease him and his friend . "

"......Really ? "

" Alright ! I admit I went a bit over broad ! "

......

Nut take a look on the exam footage to justify what kind of damage have made on the shields. For real , no jokes on the identical looks . How even Fang manage to tell apart ? But the faces look familiar, maybe he saw once in the library before ?

Ok this is unexpected , he come to the lab and make a mess . The blue print look cool tho didn't expect woke him up , he look tired .

" Hm?- a blue leopard ????? "

(Ok this is cute . )

Nut chuckle at the reaction he have , he all look confused and sleepy .

" Hello, my name is Nut the engineer. "

" Mutt ????? A dog ?? Hybrid ??? "

" pff-"

Ok this person still didn't fully awake yet so don't laugh-

" Hm ? oh-"

Nut introduce himself again and learn that the person Infront him is call Cahaya , he look awkward during the conversation but slowly build up confidents when he share the idea that he's working on the blue print .

Nut gives some idea that Cahaya want to tried and Cahaya is interest how Nut fixes the power watches because his watch still didn't active yet .

Of course Nut agreed to help him , he seems like a person who can understand his passion and get along .

Maybe he made a friend ?

" ...... "

" ......Care to explain ? "

" It was an accident-"

Fang look at the lab's celling that Nut and Cahaya stuck on , the chemical station that have fill with white sticky foam .

" I can get if one of your experiment went off but how do you guys end up there ????"

" Ha ha long story......"

30 minutes ago :

" Hmm~ the temperature is fine and the substant have become sticky . " Cahaya is experimenting on the substants that he have made with the unknow ingredients that Daun grow in his green house and follow the formular on the book . " Accord to the reaction , it's successfully enter to the 5th step , all it's left is wait for it to cool down and avoid any-" " Cahaya check this out !- " Nut barge in the lab with a new invention that he made . Which make Cahaya startle and slips the beaker fell on the ground-

" And when the substance touch the floor it explode , created a pile of foam instant and Nut who was holding the ..... "gravity bomb" got trigger and sent you guys to the celling . "

" ...... "

" ......We need help . "

" .......*sigh*- Jari bayang ! "

In somewhere on the station.

" Hey do you heard that explosion ?? "

" Oh, that's probably from the lab . "

" Nut mess up the lab again ? "

" I think is Cahaya this time . "

" Cahaya ? The new recruit from the earth ? "

" Yeah , he might not on the field yet but he have help to improve the station and cause some...... Um- trouble ?"

" ...... Nut 2.0 ? "

" ......Not really ????? "

" Fang always go check on them every single time when there's- "

" Explosion ? "

" Yeah ....... "

( I don't have idea what name can use on this trio group . )

NUT!! NUT!!! Aww thats cute that nut and fang already knew each other

And now Nut and Cahaya are besties too! Their all besties!! Them sharing info and being sweet awwww

That does beg the question

What would be their trio name🤔

#boboiboy #xoshi asks #xoshi answers #zi lins scenarios #chaos trio??? nahhh #tech brained??#maybe a type of nut thats dark but light?#like those nuts where you cook em and peel of the skin or shell or smth idk #chestnuts or cashews trio?? yeah #funny how were creating a trio that primarily doesnt exist in canon

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chamoemileclown · 1 year ago

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saw someone else post about this and i really agree i think it just wasnt the right time for purgatory, the stakes were there but the vibe and the point in roleplay development for individual characters just.. wasnt it for me. I dont know what they have planned for the future so i cant say it shouldve happened later, but i think because of all the trips and vidcon the charas had just gotten to a point where they had started healing from their kids going missing only to be thrown into this, which can be a good point narratively but theres also a couple other things that kinda just didnt let it work out for me tbh

a lot of it was just the rules and events were weird? that probably makes no sense. but like from a viewer pov it felt like the characters were beta testers for this and the rules have been constantly changing, so its hard to get comfortable in. Like when theres a set of consistent rules teams are able to more accurately strategize and such and they couldnt really do that? so it just felt like weird improv the whole time which theyre very good at but it was just.. like idk unbalanced? thats a dif point that contributed

like etoiles pointed this out that they balanced the teams (not really imo) in game but not fandom-wise, like certain teams had a very large fanbase and certain others had a very small one, etc etc. And like for example blue team had much less people on consistently but by the time they realized that it was probably too late to change teams without an event like the one recently splitting green. I feel like the admins tried to mix up the players outside of their usual friend groups but it just kinda cut the ints in half? i know cellbit didnt wanna kill roier, bad was very isolated from all his regular friends and therefore nobody wanted to talk to him (he wasnt on their team), tubbo was kinda suffering because he couldnt use create. Red team was overwhelmingly loud, blue was crushingly quiet, green was... tbh not on a lot of the time. Not good to watch from most POVs

i could be wrong about a couple things but like this is my general feeling on it, odd timing and weird balancing combined with toxic fandoms caused by competitiveness within the streams kinda ruined it for me, you can only curate ur experience so much

I really like how you put the first part because it was also something that I had felt about the event but I couldn’t really pinpoint why? I’m sure that a lot of the planning came down to a lot of stuff we can’t see behind the scenes like trying to be mindful of the ccs/ admins schedules but scheduling purgatory so far out from the disappearance really changed a lot. Like I just got used to not having the eggs and being fine with that and a lot of the ccs did sort of move on/ adapt to it. Obviously most people want the eggs back safe but I think some novelty has worn off after being away from them for so long. I think purgatory would’ve had more of an effect if the wound was more fresh when purgatory took place it would’ve made the stakes higher and I don’t think as many people would be saying “oh I don’t care if the eggs die at this point just end purgatory.”

Also the rules changing I noticed too was really jarring from day to day. I feel like a lot of the qsmp is like this and it’s a product of the admins being quick to respond to complaints in general and changing things accordingly. In my ideal world where the admin team could’ve just run the event with a test group to almost like stress test the rules? but i doubt that’s a very viable option. It would’ve been nice to see teams strategize more than play off the cuff in the limited time frame they have I feel like that only really rewards people with spontaneous playstyles

I think a lot of the problems with balancing fanbases revolves around people not knowing how to act online. The qsmp has long stretches where there isn’t much character conflict so that’s attracted a lot of people who feel really attracted to one pov and just don’t know how to handle conflict. We’ve seen this stuff outside of purgatory like during the entirety of the elections arc and when characters have an insignificant argument in rp. I don’t think you could balance viewers while also balancing skill but its definitely a problem that exists and doesn’t really have a clean solution. Also I do think the division of teams was to encourage different people to interact or possibly drive more in rp angst but it did fall flat in ways that were unintended.

Overall I think a lot of purgatory was trying to cater to a lot of people at once but thats just not working. I enjoyed the event from the standpoint that no matter what the admins want a good audience experience and they wouldn’t intentionally let us down. This seems more like a fundamental flaw in the server maybe? That it’s just not structured to be doing competitive game in this format at the very least.

#i deleted the og post asking people for feedback bc i was worried id get ate alive in the rbs #i think i covered everything i agree with most of this a lot does need to be adjust at the very least.#i also think my enjoyment came from the competiton so i understand why you wouldn’t like it for that anon #thank you for having rhis discussion with me btw i appreciate it i found it interesting to see it from the other side.#qsmp discourse #qsmp discussion #qsmp purgatory

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spaceoperetta · 1 year ago

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today I learned a new phrase!

tw suicide, long post where I talk about how awful I've been feeling

'passively suicidal.'

of all things, I saw it on a twitter post about kendall roy

and, uh, that's what I'm going through right now I'm having a bad time.

I'll be fine I'm not going to do anything but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. don't give yourself constant jaw pain by letting a new-to-me dentist file down the side of your tooth. (I needed a filling replaced early bc of pain but it was nothing compared to this, I'm so stupid and instantly knew something was wrong after, I legit got home and wanted to hurt myself, but when I called the dentist back they wanted to file more shit down to fix it and, no.)

Ways to fix it run anywhere from 'get the filling adjusted by a different, trusted professional' (done, but they can't build up what was ground down) to 'try a mouth guard' (better but doesn't fix the issue) and I guess I'll need a crown or to cope with unending pain in my jaw for the rest of my life. except they make crowns off your current tooth and it's not right! and I got a filling since then elsewhere! something I am utter shit at because I caused it by saying yes it's not like I was hit by a car

hurts to talk, no singing from me, and I still can't do all that much shit with my wrists and therefore hands because, still recovering from wrist surgery. and my neck's been hurting for two months.

going to see a new therapist next week, at least. unfortunately due to my first hand POV of my siblings extensive health issues I always think my health issues will never go away/get worse. because that's been my past two years and also my past six months

anyway turns out 'passively suicidal' is the correct phrase for what I went through in college due to my whole breakdown and it's back except I'm not in school and it's in my body and even though I know it doesn't matter, they're issues I caused myself, one way or another. (and that's what's driving me crazy with self-loathing amidst the pain)

working on fixing things but I have no energy and mostly just sit around like a lump and crying a lot. I need a routine but that's hard when all I want to do is sleep or do nothing, barely keeping on with 'massage healing surgery site 3x a day' my first one was at 2pm today.

so, uh, I'm feeling up there with said college breakdown for worse consistent feeling in life. I'm not going to do anything I just feel sad and upset and awful most of the time either that or nothing and I have successfully zoned out for a few hours watching streams or internet videos. I have trouble imagining any future for myself, career-wise, personal life-wise, anything. I've never been good at that, and granted, I've spent more of my adult life being depressed than being productive.

anyway, hopefully like the mountain goats say, there will come a day when I will feel better, but when that day's coming, who can say?

I got some prozac from my pcp but haven't started it yet due to imagined, easily resolved barriers

I just feel like if I don't fix things it'll be like this forever and this will never go away. because it's fucking jaw pain and I have to fix the bite issue. my orthodontist said my bite's always been shit and my dentist said my bite is 'perfect' and uh I believe one of the more than the other.

I've just had a lot of health issues this year and half of them were caused by saying 'yes' to something I shouldn't have and now I'm in pain and the other half were 'so you played too many videogames two years ago to distract from the desire to self harm and now you just think about how that harmed you even more than that moment of slapping yourself would have'

yes I know it's all stupid

#tw suicide mention #comedic ish opening to something that isn't comedic at all #my house is a mess I have shit everywhere bc I just put everything on the tables

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writer-haley-e · 8 months ago

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I saw some other people doing a WIP questionnaire and I decided to join in and do it. No one tagged me to do this, I’m just doing it cause I want to.

I’m answering for my NaNoWriMo WIP (camp nanowrimo’s tomorrow! Anyone else participating?) which is a post-apocalyptic tragic fantasy where magic was released into the world causing mass death across the world. The MC, Nia, takes in a small horde of children and struggles to keep them fed and cared for while they’re also dealing with a magical world they know nothing about.

Now onto the questions:

1. What was the first part of your WIP that you created?

I first created the ending, which I can’t say without spoiling the story. But it’s a tragedy, and I thought of the ending that makes it a tragedy before any of the characters or worldbuilding or plot.

2. If your WIP was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

I have no idea, but it’s probably be something gentle-ish that reflects the more wholesome/lighthearted bits of the story.

3. Who are your favorite characters you’ve made? Why?

I really like the main characters brother, Andy, who in draft two will be getting his own POV! I know so much more about his character than what’s currently written into the story and I love him so much haha. He’s the kind of guy who always has snacks on him, though you probably won’t notice until he starts eating them. He’s got a girlfriend and baby daughter who he’s so sweet with and I will definitely be showing more of their relationship when I add in his POV to the story. Hes an extrovert who loves to make friends with as many people as he can, and is very ambitious. He does what he can to help others, and despite some of the things he does in the story and before it, he’s a pretty good guy.

I also love two of the child characters that the main character is taking care of, too. I didn’t portray them exactly how I liked in the first draft and will be fixing that in the rewrite. I love who I’m intending them to be haha. Theyre five year old twins, named Anna and Adam, and they’re pretty much always seen beside each other. Most likely because of anxiety after losing all the rest of their family outside their older sister. Anna ends up getting a power that impacts the whole end of the story and I feel bad for the weight she has to carry.

4. What other pieces of media do you think would share a fanbase for your story?

I’m not really sure about specific media’s, but people who enjoy the genres fantasy and tragedy would enjoy it, as well as post-apocalypse fans.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

Sticking to it to finish the first draft probably. I’m so close and I’m not letting myself put it on hiatus, especially because I really want to read the finished product. I enjoy reading my writing, but I have such a hard time finishing anything. I’m maybe 20k words away from finishing this first draft and I will get it done during camp Nanowrimo! Hopefully, at least.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

There are a handful of chickens and goats, but they’re not very interesting. Just another source of food for the characters. There are mythical creatures, who may not count as animals but are pretty cool! Not to the characters, though. The mythical creatures are just more things to fear and struggle to live alongside.

7. How do your characters get around? (ex: trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

Walking or cars, typically. It hasn’t been so long since most of the world died and the gas is still usable, so they make use of it.

8. What part of your WIP are you working on rn?

I’m about two scenes away from act 3! Probably about 20k from the end and I’m excited to get it written! It’s the part I’ve been looking forward to writing since the beginning stages of planning.

9. What aspects of your WIP do you think will draw people in?

Probably the focus on non-romantic relationships. There’s some found family as well as reconnecting with biological family and friendships and all that. The main character does not have a love story, it’s not a romance. But the connections with the other characters are very important and I hope readers will enjoy it as much as I do.

10. What are your hopes for your WIP?

I hope to get it published one day, and have some kind of audience reading it. I genuinely think it will be an amazing story once finished, and I just want a few other people to think so too.

#this story is called For All We Can’t Do #I started it for NaNoWriMo and will finish it for camp NaNoWriMo #I can’t wait for it to be finished completely so I can read and enjoy it haha #I haven’t finished a non-fanfic full-length novel yet so I’m excited!#writerblr #writing #writing community #writer #writblr #writeblr #writers #nanowrimo #camp nanowrimo #WIP #WIP Questionnaire

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recurring-polynya · 2 years ago

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Writing/Art Update 2/14/2023

Welp, the great "don't force myself to write when I don't wanna" experiment is over. I got real heckin' depressed and it was bad, so I started making myself write again, and it lifted. Perhaps it's a coincidence, I don't know, but this sort of holds with how the last four years of my life have been going. Trying to scrape dregs out of an empty jar isn't exactly fun, but it's what I gotta do, I guess.

Anyway, the good news is that I'm not being too mean to myself. I stole @bleachbleachbleach 's method of requiring myself to write one sentence on my WIP every day. I've managed to make it every day. One of the main things that happened (and this sort of thing always happens when I set goals) is that I realized that if I did only one sentence a day, it would take me forever to finish, which has pushed me to do more than the minimum. For the first few days of the week, I was doing about 100 words a day, which is still very paltry, but I think I've done more than that the last few days.

The thing I am working on is a story I started in 2019, which I have always been very fond of, except that it's a mess. The first paragraph is in a difference POV than the rest of it. It's mostly written in the present tense, except where it's not. Most importantly, it just sort of stops where I ran out of ideas. It's possible this was not the best possible project for me to dive into in my current mental state. I've been working on it, but I feel like it keeps getting worse 😂. Like, I re-wrote that first bit, and I just don't like it as much. Also, even though I know I should never, ever, never ever write in the present tense...I... think it works better that way? I'm seriously considering switching it back?? Also, it is primarily a world-building story, and as soon as I started on it, I realized that there were a bunch of holes in my world-building and it's been so hard to make any kind of decisions about anything. (I spent a week trying to figure out if this one guy has a wife or not. It seems like a thing I should just be able to decide except that it's also sort of the entire crux of the story)

At least I didn't have to start from nothing. The original story was about 2900 words, and my intuition is that the final product is going to end up between 5 and 10k. This is a great size for a story, the easiest size of story to write, and I'm honestly just mad that I'm so bad at all of this, and I'm worried that at the end of the day, the thing is gonna suck because I've lost my touch. Anyway, right now, it's 1768. It's nowhere near what I know I'm capable of when I'm on (when I'm really fucking on), but I'm faking it 'cause I have to, and it's going okay, I guess.

I don't know what's up with my art, either! I just don't really have any ideas I'm excited about! I did a tutorial this week with some pastel brushes, and then I turned around and did a Valentine's Day art project with the same brushes. I feel like it's probably a good time to do some skillbuilding, but, man, skillbuilding kinda sucks. 😂

The one good thing that did happen this week is that I finally made a decent loaf of sourdough! Look at these guys!!

They were so springy and good in the middle and nice and crusty on the outside! The secret turned out to be a combination of getting my starter more active generally, and actually following an every-six-hour feeding schedule the day before I baked it (the last feeding was ten hours because it was overnight and I had to get my kid off to school in the morning) It was 100% naturally leavened (no commercial yeast at all). I followed this King Arthur recipe.

The discard recipe of the week was Little Spoon Farm Blueberry Muffins, which were every bit as good as the recipe promised, if you like sweet, cakey, grocery-store style muffins. Little Spoon Farm is becoming my go-to for discard recipes, they haven't missed yet.

#writing update #art update #burnout update

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olivereactsaboutgarbage · 2 years ago

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Higurashi When They Cry - Arc 1 Chapter 11

...

...O...

...One Piece...

Keiichi is going to school extremely early because he doesn’t like Mion and Rena anymore. No one’s awake, so he’s saying to himself, “Ah... this is just like on The Truman Show when the show’s production staff gets something wrong...”

A driver suddenly zooms towards Keiichi in their car and he has to do a dodge move to survive, so NOW he’s saying to himself “Ah... at some point, a driver started stalking me with the intent to kill...” No, IDIOT, it’s just way too early in the morning!

Wait holy fuck Keiichi like actually thinks it’s Truman Show like for real for real. Like “Oh, the only reason Every Single Person In This Town Is Acting Normal is because I live here so The Entire Town Is Pretending To Be Normal” is the actual thought process causing him to act normal like a fucking game of normalcy chicken.

I don’t think that’s quite it. I think I would have heard about it if Higurashi was Truman Show. From what I hear, lategame Higurashi is a battle between good and evil. There’s a huge swath of things that could mean, but I feel like “good” has to be a category that encompasses a larger amount of entities than just Keiichi for it to work.

Oh he. He wants to change his clothes. So no one knows a car almost hit him and his clothes got dirty. Keiichi is normaling so hard. “If I refuse to leave behind ANY evidence that anyone was trying to kill me, people won’t try to kill me!”

Wait is that the entire “trick” behind Higurashi. Is that why the goings-on in Hinamizawa are so inexplicable? Because we’re saddled with Keiichi as our POV character? Hmm... I guess that explains him, kinda. If he’s a writing trick, I guess maybe he almost makes sense.

Anyway the main focus of this scene isn’t that he wants to change his clothes, it’s that he wants to carry a baseball bat around everywhere and “be the baseball bat guy” so he can hurt people at a moment’s notice.

Okay I’m kind of cheating here because I’ve already read this part of Higurashi before, but... “Ugh, this baseball bat is in a fucking MOLD locker. I see there’s a baseball uniform in here and have now come to the conclusion that this locker’s owner will at some point ask for me to return their baseball bat.” Like hello???

Phew, the Toddlers got to see Keiichi’s dirty clothes. A basic level of not being a weird liar was forced upon him. Also Toddler 02 told Keiichi that she likes how he now has a baseball bat, but wouldn’t like it if he got rid of it. I know Toddler 02 is weirder than she appears, so maybe that’s something that can be read into. This arc is mostly about how Rena is weirder than she appears, with a vague hint of “Mion is the sinister commander with Rena at her side” for added flavor, but there’ll probably be an arc later about how Toddler 02 is weirder than she appears. I know there’ll be even more characters introduced in the arcs I haven’t read, but there’s still a part of me that’s saying “Hmm... so... four main girls, four question arcs, four answer arcs, and the first question arc is obsessed with one of the girls, huh.”

“Normalcy. Normalcy. I am doing a perfect job at feigning normalcy. THIS IS HOW I SURVIVE”

And I already knew quite well that there were demons dwelling in my xavier renegade angel!

Keiichi is being followed.

It’s Rena. She says wants to hang out with him and have a nice time, but he’s not a fan of that at all, because she’s evil. Keiichi, you fool! Don’t you know it’s your dad?! Your dad, I tell you!

Ah... to freak Keiichi out when she thinks he’s a liar, Rena has to speak out loud, but to freak Rena out when he thinks she’s a liar, Keiichi just needs to think she’s a liar. This is because underage anime girls have the ability to read blue text, as I’ve already discussed many times before.

CURSES MY CLEVER NORMALCY RUSE DIDN’T FREAKING WORK WONDER WHY IT DIDN’T

THAT’S RIGHT!!! NOT ATTACKING SOMEONE!!! THE ULTIMATE MARK OF EVIL!!!

Oh! I remember this line! This is the line that I put in a little time capsule for my friends. But the joke’s on me, because I just checked, and it turns out I did that thirteen months ago. So this line ended up being a time capsule for ME. After reading Higurashi Arc 1 for the first time, I spent 13 months not reading Arc 2. ...If there were ever a clearer indication that starting this blog was a good idea on my part... no there wasn’t

I’ve been playing up my convictions in my “Keiichi’s dad is the mastermind behind everything” theory a bit for laughs, but at this point I would say I’m genuinely trying to read this story from a “given that none of the five lead characters are evil AND there isn’t a curse, what is the true cause behind every incident within the story” perspective. Ooishi being evil would be a boring answer. Not bad writing or anything, I would just get bored. I’m also 90% sure this story has at least one supernatural element, so maybe I shouldn’t even be assuming crazy magic ISN’T going on.

Rena you Rena-Point-accumulating motherfucker. There’s something I’m accumulating too, and unlike you, its accumulation won’t lead to my death or arrest. I’m not Jason Statham. I’m an audience member. I, the audience member, need to accumulate as much information as possible, so that I can know what the plot is of Higurashi.

I’m starting to realize that my thesis that all of this is happening despite none of these people being evil necessitates the assumption that not only is my assessment of Keiichi as a shithead correct, but other people are also shitheads. Well, that’s in line with the characterizations of these fools. Except Mion. And Toddler 02. Hmm... the exact people Ooishi likes least... maybe Ooishi truly fucking is the problem.

yeah that’s her entire character

Hmm... yeah... that situation. Yes. Uh huh. Correct.

Yeah I refuse to budge here. Higurashi isn’t actually in the horror genre it’s just about a guy who gets scared

Also murder but that just means it’s in like, the murder mystery genre

Why do I sound like I’m talking about Umineko. These are supposed to be separate works loosely tied together by a “series” whose entries are linked by similar themes, right? Not like... SO similar. Right

Given what I remember Ciconia’s Steam description being, if every When They Cry is that similar to each other, Ciconia must be doing something really wack, narratively. If it were, I feel like I’d see more people talking about Ciconia?

Hang on is Higurashi a story about kids with mental health issues. Like yeah it IS but like. Rena has the “AGH THERE’S RENA AND SOMEONE ELSE IN RENA’S BODY IT’S SO SCARY” (<--direct keiichi quote unaltered) thing going on, which I hesitate to speculate is DID with so little context, but like... Keiichi. Does Keiichi have like. A paranoia one going on. Y’know like. A mental disorder. That causes paranoia.

Battler kind of like. Wasn’t a character who had Umineko’s most serious themes tied to himself. Like Battler could have been anyone and all the worst crap in Umineko would still have been bad crap.

Maybe that’s throwing off my expectations and I should actually be trying to think a lot more about what’s going on with Keiichi. I mean not that Battler didn’t have STUFF going ON with him that needed to be THOUGHT ABOUT.

Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm! HMM!!!

Anyway Keiichi destroys his house

...

Okay if this story IS about kids with mental illness, why Hinamizawa? Even if I assume Keiichi is mentally ill it doesn’t explain the mountain of events he wasn’t present for, nor does it explain the fact that he (”of all people” is what I would add to his pronoun if him being mentally ill was a 100% known quantity) ended up being the new guy in a town with such a storied history.

So why.

Why why why.

this is a fucking sad section of narration if i assume keiichi IS mentally ill

like the poor kid, within that hypothetical, really has no idea how to correctly parse the situation he’s been placed in

...

fucking oh

now that i’ve had my “aha” moment this reads exactly as stupidly as every other time keiichi has ever said “NO Keiichi, DON’T consider an alternate possibility, don’t you DARE do it”

what a stupid kid

I’m also starting to parse Keiichi’s new catchphrase, “It would actually be a good thing if I was crazy,” as a narrative misdirect. Obviously people who read stories know that good things don’t happen in stories. Not before the protagonist has undertaken great efforts to overcome the bad thing, or in the case of genres like tragedy and sometimes horror (...Higurashi...), not even then. Keiichi’s also spent this whole arc either goofing off or asking himself “Are my friends bad, or is an even zanier bad scenario true?” and is only just now asking about a third thing. People who read stories also know that well-written mysteries don’t wait a long time to introduce the “correct culprit”. There’s a lot of things about the way Higurashi is written that are starting to feel like they’re meant to lull you into the assumption that Keiichi isn’t mentally ill, which is only making it feel more likely that he is.

Still wondering what else is going on here.

Oh, right. I forgot Keiichi told a story about instant noodles in this chapter. But he totally does! What a nice story about instant noodles. I won’t recount it here. Read Higurashi yourself, quit mooching off me.

Assumption Making Guy Who Makes Lots And Lots Of Assumptions All The Time

i’m going to slam my head into the wall. then my head will get punctured and i’ll die because keiichi threw a needle at the wall earlier

STOP COMING OFF AS SUPERIOR TO ME KEIICHI!!! MY JOKE WASN’T MEANT TO COME ACROSS AS SUICIDAL IT WAS JUST CONCEPTUAL ASSOCIATION BETWEEN THE FACT THAT I WANT TO SLAM MY HEAD INTO A WALL AND THE FACT THAT KEIICHI FOUND A NEEDLE (DID HE?) AND THREW MOCHI AT A WALL (HE DEFINITELY DID) IN THAT ONE PRIOR SCENE

Bro bro bro bro bro. Spoilers for the future but like. Later on there’s going to be a scene where he can’t find it. Bro bro bro bro bro.

homestuck

also one piece

holy fuck keiichi is constantly talking about “hmm THIS doesn’t seem normal and THIS doesn’t seem normal” but people’s conceptualizations of normal are based on their lived experience and he’s super young so he doesn’t have much lived experience

I don’t think I’ve ever empathized with him this strongly before. Or even an empathized with him an iota. Weird how falling for the narration leads to not empathizing with him even though the narration is from his perspective.

Actually, more than that, falling for the narration leads to not empathizing, period. I’ve READ Umineko I KNOW Umineko’s core thesis statement how did Higurashi get me to fall for its “don’t empathize with the characters” trick I should have been thinking about the story this way 13 months ago when I read it the FIRST time!!

Normal Normal I Am So Good At Pretending To Be Normal Look At Me I’m Keiichi See How Normal I Am? Acting Normal Makes Me Not Be Murdered

Earlier in this post I made a “yeah that’s rena’s entire character” joke. Is it too early for me to start making “yeah that’s keiichi’s entire character” jokes when he says things like this?

Ooishi calls Keiichi on the phone.

If you assume all implications that Rena and Mion are bad people can be explained away by Keiichi being mentally ill, the biggest question becomes how that one side story from Side Story Land factors into everything. Similarly, the assumption that Ooishi is bad runs into its biggest obstacles within Side Story Land. The fact that this scene now has Ooishi in it made me think of that.

Oh hang on what about the one where Keiichi’s dad told Keiichi that Rena was in his room for an hour. Keiichi isn’t SO mentally ill that he’d concoct a false memory of Rena’s complete absence, right??? And Keiichi’s dad isn’t Ooishi, so the assumption that Ooishi is bad doesn’t explain that one either, despite my earlier running joke that Keiichi’s dad is evil.

Hmm... yeah, there’s still lots to think about here, even assuming I’m correct. Which IS an assumption because I still don’t know yet.

...

Okay no, maybe Ooishi just Simply Isn’t the bad guy here. He also sent Keiichi spiraling into a paranoid inner monologue and then got confused by Keiichi’s subsequent behavior. If Ooishi was part of some grand conspiracy to make a specific town have lots of mental illness in it, he wouldn’t be so confused... right? Maybe he is just a guy.

Ah, and here it is. The scene I mentioned earlier where Keiichi couldn’t find the needle. This is so fucking sad dude.

...Did... Did the car “not exist” too...? Did Keiichi did a cool spin move and get his clothes dirty for no reason?

Literally every single moment is making me say “oh”. This is exactly how it feels to read early Umineko after knowing what’s going on in Umineko, which really makes me feel correct.

Putting aside the fact that there’s obviously many layers to Keiichi’s four friends that have yet to be revealed... the fact that upon making this one assumption, the resultant conclusion in the case of every single action his friends have taken that he’s viewed as proof that they’re evil is that they did those things because they care about him... man... that’s sad.

It’s sad that they care about him, since they should find someone better to care about, AY-OOOOO!!!

I’ve seen the Deranged Mion Gif though. Or at least I think it’s Mion. So at some point later on I guess Mion or someone who resembles her is gonna act pretty deranged. At least in the anime.

fuck you fuck you fuck you but also damn guess it’s not your fault huh?

^Again, I’ve said those exact words to every single Umineko character, so again, I should have seen this coming.

...Is this it. Is this the battle between good and evil I’ve seen people say Higurashi is. Keiichi’s desire to get along with his friends vs. Keiichi’s tendency to assume the worst of his friends. How deeply have I cracked the code just now.

holy hell

Rena: “I brought you food” Keiichi: I love food... wait SHE KNOWS I DON’T HAVE FOOD THAT MEANS SHE’S EVIL Keiichi: “I have food already” Rena: “That’s fine, please eat this anyway” Keiichi: NO SHE’S EVIL

If I’m right, how the fuck does this story work as an anime, the narration is where it takes place

Hmm... wondering if Rena has some sort of deep-seated trauma related to... hmm... being lied to is definitely one... maybe also being touched?

Hmm... the zombie tag scene... she never actually got tagged, did she. She “betrayed Keiichi” to avoid getting tagged, and then said that whole “Keiichi surely wouldn’t do something bad like tickling me, right Keiichi?” spiel at the last moment to yet again not get tagged. Has there ever been a scene where someone physically touched her and she didn’t react badly?

Toddler 02 often touches people with her whole head-patting gimmick... has Rena been touched by Toddler 02? I’m not sure she ever has...

Man this sucks man.

okay hang on how much text does this text log record? can i scroll back up to the instant noodle story keiichi told ages ago

No I can’t. So I can’t check for if there were any details which indicated this shopping trip happened all the way back before Keiichi moved to Hinamizawa. But if it didn’t happen that long ago, it’s been firmly established that the people in Hinamizawa know each other extremely well because it’s a small town. Obviously some of them are in grocery stores sometimes.

rena pls

just tell him,

Oh she was actually present during the events of the instant noodle story. The explanation is even more mundane than I expected. Keiichi is very freaked out by that.

Even once Keiichi starts physically injuring people, it’s still always “Their reaction was completely normal... how horrific... how beastly... WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!” with him.

this is fucking awful with the voice acting

Haha! Funny narrative bookends with Keiichi’s “Why wouldn’t the other person just forgive her already?” rant at the very beginning of the story.

wait

wait wait wait

When Umineko starts aggressively enforcing Knox’s Decalogue, including Knox’s Seventh, “It is forbidden for the detective to be the culprit,” is that self-deprecation from Ryukishi? Keiichi is like, a horror movie villain, from a horror movie that demonizes mental illness, right?

hang on hang on hang on

Is utilizing lots of narration to make scenes longer being employed as a narrative technique here?!

Well, if so, that’s no excuse for Umineko’s pacing, so, there’s that

i’m going to die. i’ve progressed from banging my head on walls to dying. this time the implications are intentional (<--DISCLAIMER: NOT SERIOUS)

i’m going to drown. i’m going to do what sonic the hedgehog does: drown

The cuteness contest where the reward was apples... Toddler 02 won by looking at the apple. She didn’t touch Rena. The cuteness contest on the day of the festival... Toddler 02 obtained second place by falling over. She didn’t touch Rena.

Not related to the current scene, my mind just wandered because I don’t like what’s going on.

Uggggh every single line of dialog feels like 5% more distress. That’s time passing. Also, Keiichi has now downgraded from “Ooishi is my only ally” to “this baseball bat is my only ally”.

I’m so...

Inconsolable.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DON’T TRANSITION FROM DIALOG INTO NARRATION SUMMARIZING A LONG STORY TOLD BY OOISHI THAT’S SO MUCH TIME PASSING

i’m going to cry blood

Keiichi, you have failed at pretending to be normal. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

I can’t believe, earlier in this post, I said that “this story is literally just about Keiichi getting scared” was something that somehow meant “this story isn’t horror”. I hate this so fucking bad.

fuck offffffffffffffff

Meanwhile, in Side Story Land...

Oh, DID is getting explained, and the thing about DID where it’s a reaction to trauma is getting explained SO HARD. Hmm... yeah okay.

*laugh track but with golf sound effects added for some reason*

Also, the instant noodle story. Keiichi’s parents aren’t voice acted in this for some reason.

gonna die. gonna get killed and die resultantly

It’s so fucking obvious??? Presuming I’m right

...

Hmm, yeah, well I think certain minor details of my theorizations have been off-base, but I think a lot of the evidence for that is in Chapter 12, and I think this post is long.

I have an idea for a joke. I’ll say the set-up now, and the punchline later. Actually, technically I’ve already said most of the set-up. It’s a very multifaceted joke. Here’s the rest of the set-up:

I really wanna finish the Onikakushi arc on this blog real bad... so I can finally open the 2nd arc that’s been sitting in my Steam library all this time and see what happens in it... perceiving the story through this lens has made me so much more invested...

#higurashi #when they cry #is what i'm consuming

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jackmmbirrell71 · 2 years ago

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TWO SUGARS FEEDBACK FROM CIRT

Before I start I just want to say that I think the group, very much including myself, started doubting our film and not feeling super confident with it a couple weeks before there crit. It’s a shame because we all worked so well and hard to get the finished product but It might just be because it’s been a busy busy term and we just wanted things to be done. That’s not saying we rushed it but it definitely affected our mood for the crit.

CLASS FEEDBACK:

- Good casting.

- Great edit. Flowed really well and was easy to watch because it was put together really well. (Congrats Rosie!)

- Lots of people responded really well to the naturalism of the first scene.

- The eye movements of the characters eyes was executed really well and accompanied by some really good blocking.

- The green jumper wasn't as clear as it should be. Needed to be some cut aways to jumper to signify the importance of it to the story.

- Atmos sounds needed for the first scene.

- Strong performances especially Conor (Cameron).

RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK

I’m really glad that the class liked it for the most part. I was really nervous to see what they thought of something that we worked really hard on and I'm happy with the responses to it.

CATRIONA FEEDBACK:

- liked the performances however thought at times that Sarah was a little too theatrical.

- Had the same point about the jumper. It didn’t work in the film and needed to serve as a more important object.

- The script was good and easy to follow.

- Cinematography: Thought the lighting was very good in the first scene, didn’t like the wide shots and though that we needed more coverage.

- Edit with consistent and confident in itself- knew hat it wanted to be and stuck to it.

RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:

Overall I'm happy that Catriona liked it. I was having doubts about the script shortly after our shoot but that seems to be okay after the crit. I get what people were saying about the jumper. It was heavily implied in the script however we just didn’t manage to capture it correctly in the film and I think having a couple extra insert shots of the jumper would have helped a lot.

ANDREW FEEDBACK:

- Thought Conor was very watchable and well written.

- Liked the lighting in the first scene however thought it could do with more production design.

- Wide shots were his least favourite and he also agreed with Catriona about not having enough coverage.

- Needs to be a beat longer at the end to see her reaction better and to hold on her face.

RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:

I agree with Andrew about the final shot of the film. It was a last minute change to the script and I think it would have worked if we had a longer take of looking down at Gwen or even a reverse shot from Gwen’s POV looking at the hand move from Cameron’s shoulder. I think if we had added a few more beats the tension of it all would have landed better.

LAURA FEEDBACK:

- Liked the performances and thought they were believable and casted well.

- Was also a bit lost with the green jumper on first viewing it.

- Likes the title of the film.

RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK

I’m so glad that Laura liked the casting of the film. Working as producer and writer wasn't easy I will say and will try avoid it in the future. It was really hard balancing casting calls, risk assessments, conversation with Bonnie about story and writing draft after draft however it thankfully has paid off and I'm so glad.

ZOE FEEDBACK:

- Good handling of recording dialogue and very clear with the actors on screen.

- Thought the off screen dialogue was a little bit lost and can be improved and cleared up a bit.

- Didn’t like the credits as it didn’t seem to have anything to do with the film.

RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK

With regards to sound I can’t say much but I know Jenny worked really hard on it and I'm really impressed with how far it’s come so well done Jenny! with the credits I think everyone in the group wasn’t that surprised by this comment. We kind of just did it cause it was fun and we were getting a bit sick of the film and were on a downer so decided to do something fun and creative.

LEO FEEDBACK:

- The sound needed a bit more space to breath in relation to the cuts in the film. Just enough so it sits with the audience better.

OVERALL:

I’m happy with the feedback we got but I just wish I was happy with my own work. Everyone in the group were amazing to work with and it was such a creative team however I think self sabotage was quite bad within the group. starting the project I was super confident with the script but seeing other groups work I just started doubting myself thinking I could have done so much more but that’s just a personal thing. I definitely think the film shines in areas such as the edit, blocking, sound, lighting and there are definitely things we could/ can work on.

If we were to revisit the film I would definitely work on the representation and symbolism of the green jumper next time. I would also not do producing and writing together because it definitely restricted what I could do in terms of focusing on one thing at a time along with other roles from other modules. I did enjoy the role of producing however felt it quite intense in moments but I think that was to do with the work load.

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kidrat · 1 year ago

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I don't technically disagree with you! probably would have expanded on my points if the post wasn't a throwaway comment / liveblogging. I suppose what I can explain further about my pov is that I hate the trope of characters (lbr mostly women) being supposedly horrifically disfigured as punishment, or having a flaw that makes them unlovable, only for them to still fit 100% into conventional beauty standards. I think it's shitty. So while it does make sense for the character, I couldn't help but be irritated that the character was written in such a way that it makes sense.

And as much as I think your analysis of Cherish is right, based on what we know about her, I would point out that a) we get the information about the tattoos from Taylor's pov and b) Cherish isn't really that developed as a character yet at the time of this scene. Wrt your question as to framing, one detail that's relevant to this conversation is how *Taylor* is saddened *for* Cherish because no one will be able to be 'hungry' for Cherish without the tattoos being visible/interfering in that.

Specifically:

Seeing ... the ugly tattoos that guaranteed she would never be able to leave this behind and get a completely fresh start, never have a boy look at her body and just be hungry for her… I had to look away.

It's *not* just Cherish who thinks the tattoos lower Cherish's sexual value. We don't even know if Cherish thinks that, though, yes, it'd be hard to argue we're not supposed to infer that's what she thinks.

it definitely is interesting to analyse Cherish's choices thru a feminist lens. Like, she's not forced to get a tattoo. She's forced to alter herself, and she chooses the tattoo route. (Though I guess you could argue she would have failed the second round of tests if she hadn't completed Mannequin's challenge with a tattoo again the second time). I could see her choosing to alter herself in a way that cost her her looks (in her own eyes) and cause her distress to be empowering in the long run, if read as her forcing a confrontation with her coping mechanism / beauty standards and a desire to move past her trauma.

*All that being said* I just would love to see a version of this trope that isn't engineered so as to make the character in question still be conventionally attractive albeit with some flaw that can be presented as tragic.

I think Mannequin could well have chosen something more distressing for her. He could have effected her face, for instance. The tattoos are horrible for Cherish, you're right, but something doesn't have to be specific to you to be horrible for you. There are any number of physical changes that would be horrible for Cherish *and* cause her additional distress by being more visible/effecting how other people treat her. There are ways that bod-mods and conventionally unattractive bodily changes CAN do that. I speak from experience here and perhaps that's why the chapter made me roll my eyes so hard.

Cherish the character made choices within the parameters of Mannequin's test that confined her physical change to one area and allowed her control over the extent of the effect the change would have on her life.

(And yeah, the whole 'concealable by clothes' thing has got to be because Wildbow wanted a reveal moment. I respect that. I cannot help how I feel about the the end product that is the sum parts of this chapter.)

I ALSO think that as much as the Nine are written to enjoy making people tick, and giving person-specific trials and punishments, if I were Mannequin or any of the other Nine members who were *so altered as to be unable to pass as human*, or at least so altered as to be unable to pass as not-a-member-of-the-nine, and the pretty girl completed the trial by getting an entirely concealable bod-mod, I'd think that was hilarious and probably kill her.

Like, Jack says this:

it was when you willingly defaced that young, unblemished body of yours that a little something inside of you broke, and you began thinking of yourself as one of us. Liminality.

That's weird to me. Mr the Slash there are regular non-capes with face tattoos. Yes he's *probably* hurting her with her own self perception. But it's still funny to present a (gross and distressing, yes) torso tattoo as the thing that makes you more similar to a group of fucked up serial killers with no place in regular society than it does like, other people generally.

'Liminality' could be referring to Cherish's feelings of vulnerability, and disconnect from her former place in polite society as a 'young, unblemished' person. Could also refer to the place she's at mentally, her collective identity not quite with the groups it used to be, but not quite with the Nine yet either. It's probably a bit of both, and either interpretation is fascinating. This *is* a good bit of character writing. I just cannot get over that it's about a tattoo, something we have to remember is a decision an author made, regardless of how expertly he's justified it in canon.

To be clear I am not saying definitively that this scene was sexist. Nor am I saying it's not? The discomfort I felt with it is due to what I explained above about how fictional scenarios like this are commonly engineered to play out, and how in many cases this seems based in a fear of making the relevant character *too* unpalatable. Again, nothing you've said is wrong exactly, I just want to explain how I feel in more depth. Didn't expect this to be as long as it got!

I'll definitely be interested to learn how other current Nine members / potential members handle the task, as a comparison point. None of my thoughts are final since I, you know, haven't finished the web series. So far though, I found this a disappointing use of the set-up wrt Mannequin's test.

ur telling me cherish passed that test by getting realistic fucked up tattoos???? sorry what??? absolutely not. theyre all acting like this is soooo awful and thinking about how it makes her less sexy and perfect but like. have u met men. cherish is already hashtag edgy, her target audience is gonna be so turned on by the rotting flesh back tattoo.

#wormblr #analysis

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aashi-heartfilia · 3 years ago

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Divided by sides, United by souls...a true tragedy

While, it may not look like it, the arc of Ochako and Toga is an integral part of BnHA and makes for some of the most interesting meta if we look closely.

Ever since this dynamic was first introduced in the forest training arc, it felt sort of odd to me as if we're missing something. Now that the manga is almost ending, I feel like we have connected enough dots to see the connection between them.

The thing is, Ochako and Toga are not so different than Ochako thinks. They both have quirky personalities, having people they love and care about, people who they admire and want to be like them.

If we do a background check, Toga actually comes from a wealthy family (unlike Ochako) but she got shunned down by the society and even by her own parents because of her quirk. Now it's actually pretty interesting to note that their is a thing called "quirk counseling" in the world of MHA.

It's obvious that quirks effects your personality and ofc there are people who feel better after getting this therapy but some people like Toga start to feel even more different than the rest. It was even pointed out in the ch 226 by Curious...

"Nobody will accept you"

These were the words thrown at her at such a young age. Her wanting to become other people shows her desire to be accepted...by her parents, by her friends, by the society. She also wanted to be just like everyone else. She also wanted to be a NORMAL girl!

That's why she suppressed for so long until shs couldn't anymore. She snapped and it's interesting to note the panels showcasing her first murder where people looking at her with horror.

She was a girl, lively and cheerful, very well behaved that people found it hard to believe that she committed such a heinous crime.

The problem here is the lack of understanding.

Instead of trying to find measures for Toga to use her quirk in a more productive way, she was asked to suppress it (as if it was that easy). She was asked to be "normal" but Toga already had a twisted sense of normal because of her meta-ability. But look at what her parents say:

We're sorry. Their is no way we could ever make up for what she has done. We really tried but she was a lost cause. That child, she's a demon.

-Toga's mother

But the question is, was she a lost cause? Or they just didn't try hard enough? Look at her. She was just a 5 years old at that time and maybe a high schooler during her first attempted murder.

We don't know what made her snap and run away but we do know that she saw a popular boy in her school all beaten up and awakened her desire for blood again.

But that's not the real tragedy.

In the world of MHA, where mutants like Shoji and the giant fox lady (yeah, cause I don't remember her name) are discriminated and not even allowed on the shelters, it is obvious for her parents to want her to be normal. Though, we can clearly see that they were not the best parents as they even stopped marking her height after the age of 2-3, most likely after her quirk manifested.

One more example of this is Toga's quote here:

I smile when I'm happy. Just like you all kids the people you love, I suck the blood of those I love. I'm not unfortunate at all. Just like Ochako chan whom Izuku trusts so much. Must be so nice...

I want to be like the people I love..

In all my days being chased by the police and heroes alike I became sensitive to how the people around me behave. And acting like a high school girl, the world seems a little nicer. Just not get caught. Not get caught and I want to be even more like the people I love.

I will fall in "love" more and more.

The blood of love- chapter 226

So, Toga is basically the dark side of quirk system and hero society. The knight in shining armors that are supposed to save everyone.

Was she not a person in their dictionary?

And even after losing a person she loves in the war she still had a little faith... In heroes, in the society that will never accept her. And man, I tell you this scene right here is such a strong parallel between Ochako and Toga right now!

By her POV she's the victim here and I'm not saying that her murdering people is good thing but that's what Toga thinks because of her quirk, because of her twisted sense of love. She is in denial. Remember, she said

"I'm not unfortunate at all"

Before the second war begins Toga goes to her old home...to remind herself of the damage that people did to her...to remind herself of the people calling her demon...she is putting a wall infront of herself...as a reminder that the heroes will not save her.

Similarly...

We have Ochako gazing out at the crumbling city falling apart into pieces to remind herself that this is all bad...that she's on the right side.... that she's doing the right thing... Her ideals as a hero are in question...but she can't help but think of Toga in that moment.

And this is where Ochako's arc has been leading to!

Just like everyone else in MHA, Ochako loves heroes. She has admired them since her childhood and she subconsciously wanted to be like them but she never even considered her own self indentity. Now it's the time for Ochako's background check:

She grew up seeing the exhausted faces of her parents and she wanted to do something for them, so she decides to become a hero for money. While the goal was just as noble as the rest of her class, when she compared it to the likes of Iida and Deku it just felt shallow, so never even told anyone and asked them to do the same.

She comes from a working class family where her parents had to work 24/7 just to put the food on the table and Ochako despite being young understood this.

People think that they can hide this kind of stuff from children in their household but no! Children notice everything...and it has a big effect on their mental health.

Her friends however accepted it and praised her for that saying it's completely normal to do something for your parents and we see first hand how far she was willing to go at the sports festival just for her parents.

Unlike her other friends she doesn't have any ambitions. She just exists as a side character in her own story. She just wants to support her parents and lessen their burden.

And she has always been doing this.

Now which of these doesn't seem like normal accept when you dive a little deeper into it. The bonus material stated that she sleeps to save oxygen and doesn't eat to save money. This is unhealthy.

Not as unhealthy as drinking blood but it is still a form of suppression.

In the Pro hero arc where she decides to give up her feelings for Deku. What she doesn't know is that they only grow stronger just like Toga told her in their 2nd battle but Ochako wasn't in the mood to listen or understand that.

Ochako never had her own ambitions and she never even allows herself to feel anything that would be a hindrence to her work. She puts others before herself and be the lively person she is. During the Kamino incident she called out everyone else going on the rescue, thinking about how Bakugo would feel about this matter.

Selflessness

Always thinking too much about others to the point not even considering herself. Yeah, being selfless is good but not to the point where you lose your own self of identity and we see here a strong parallel that binds her to Deku and Bakugo.

Just like Deku, she is a product of society that worships heroes. Opposite to Bakugo who at first was so selfish that he wanted to be a hero just for himself.

What is selflessness? Maybe a little selfishness on someone else's part?

And this is where the difference comes in...

TogaChako are like two faces of a coin. They're always facing the opposite ends but they belong to the same coin. In a given situation, Toga will always act selfishly and save herself first while Ochako will act selflessly and not even think about herself.

It is an interesting parallel during JTA and MVA:

Ochako jumps to save Izuku without thinking a second thought, when Black whip manifested and started going all haywire. She admitted this herself.

While Toga on the other hand killed curious in MVA just for the sake of her own life when even Shigaraki spared Re - Destro. For her, her own life is her priority and as soon as even a minor unconvince comes in, she'll just bug out.

Breaking her worldview

Even after admiring heroes so much, Ochako begins to question her ideologies as early as the Joint training arc. Even before Deku, she starts seeing the world grey. Maybe heroism isn't what it first appeared to be.

Deku is someone close to Ochako and she saw him breaking his bones and getting hurt numerous times because of his quirk. She was the first to notice that even this power, this position is hurting him and mind you, unlike Bakugo she didn't even know the secret of OFA.

She realised that as good as that heroism and selflessness might be, it made her friend hurt himself and at that time nobody was their to help.

And it happened again

Deku leaving UA and Sir Nighteye dying because of her has to be the greatest turning points in her life.

By the time, the war was properly over.... Ochako's worldview was also shattered.

She admired Deku for his bravery and drive but here she called him out for suffering in silence all along.

Another strong parallel from Deku and Ochako is that they both suffer in silence.

For Ochako she continuously pushes any unnecessary feelings away that keeps her from doing her hero work and it is not just her love for Deku but even with her desire to empathize with Toga.

Which is why this time, she wouldn't let go. This time she will stand up for a hero in pain. And this is why the chapter "A young woman's declaration" is a masterpiece!

She would not let a hero suffer in silence anymore.

It's about a little girl that just saw the society falling apart and her loved ones in pain. She saw her other fellow heroes in pain. She saw citizens screaming in agony, she saw villains destroying everything and it's then she realises that the heroes are just normal human beings. She always puts her hero work and heroism on pedestal thinking of right and wrong but the world in MHA doesn't goes that way.

She's naive.

Despite being so mature, Ochako is naive because she has never seen Toga's side of story she feels hard to empathize with her. But what do you even expect from a high schooler? She's merely a 15-16 years old girl and All she sees infornt of her are broken skyscrapers and crying children. Wounded and tired people, probably the absolute scenario that Ochako wants to shelter herself from. She wants to see everyone smile again...

She wants everything to be great again but doesn't her everyone includes Toga too? And that's why she hesitates during the speech.

How is she supposed to save Toga or should she even save Toga? Their battle during the gigantomachia rampage wasn't just over her keyring (that cute All Might one that she got by Deku on Christmas).

No! It was a symbolism of her hero ideals. Deku is a hero that she loves and she would do anything to protect it, both heroes and heroism. When Toga starts to tell her side of story, it's very twisted for Ochako to understand and then Toga outright tells her that she used Ocha's quirk to kill someone which horrified her.

This leads her to yell at Toga that if she is going to live her life as she pleases and threaten people, she also has to live with the consequences.

Which is true and even Toga knows it but!

What did it cost?

It costed her to Toga leaving with apparently all her faith being gone in the heroes. She got her answer from Uravity. She saw that Ochako has put her feelings aside for the hero work and despite how much Toga tries they can never be friends. Their will always be this division between them.

And that's why their next face off is gonna be the biggest one.

This is where their arcs are going to collide again. We're at a point where both Toga and Ochako are seeing things a little grey. They have already began to understand the gray world and they're both trying to put a wall infront of them with Toga going to her old home to remind herself of the injustice and Ochako looking at the fallen city as the way to remind herself that she's on the right side.

Current Power ups:

Toga is all ready for the sad girl Parade by using Twice's blood and Hawks is gonna be her target. For Ochako however, we haven't seen her new move yet. Her last upgrade was during the war arc when she used "ZERO SATELLITES". Bakugo already has two new moves up his sleeve and same with Todoroki and the rest who came up with their own new moves but we haven't seen Ochako's yet. Either it is done purposely and it's super powerful (because we know she has also been training with the Pussycats to increase her quirk limits and their is no reason for her to not have a new move) or either Horikoshi just thought, Oh well she got enough character development already.

Or maybe their will be a big awakening moment later, who knows?

They are two lively girls, having people whom they love and admire, a family which accepts them, they have both lost something precious to them (Twice dies because of Heroes and Deku leaves UA because of Villains) and now they're here...divided by their sides and

Ready to tackle everything because backing down is not an option!

OMG! I have been writing this for like 3 hours now. Thanks for reading if you made this far! Hope you understand these characters a little better now. Ochako nd Toga are my personal favourites!

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ltleflrt · 3 years ago

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Hey Carrie! You talked a little the other day about writers' tendency to start a fic too early in the story, and how you see a lot of first scenes that could have been scrapped to improve the story. My question is if you have some tips to recognize while writing that first scene that you are starting too early in the story?

Hello friend!

That's a really good question, and I'll see if I can give an answer that makes sense. I am not a professional, and I'm not educated or trained in this stuff, it's just something that I recognize from years and years and years of voracious reading. And as with all writing advice, I encourage you to take what I'm going to say with a grain of salt and remember that no writing rule is a hard rule, only a guideline.

Also, my advice is going to be pertaining fanfiction, and specifically to AUs. Obviously a published book has an editor with a razor blade going through a manuscript for you, and the problems that bother me in fanfiction crop up in AUs more than Canonverse.

Oh, and every instance of "you" is general, not specific 😜

So I think the main problem that I see is that people are starting with an Info Dump. An Info Dump is not always a bad thing, sometimes it's completely necessary, but it is NOT where you want to start your story. If it absolutely has to be done, it's better to be somewhere in the middle or near the end. When it's something that your characters need to know.

That's an important bit: Do your characters need to know this?

And related to that: Does your audience need to know this for the story to make sense?

And very important follow up: If the answers to the above questions are yes, does the character/audience need to know this RIGHT NOW?

There's a lot of information about your story that YOU need to know. Heck, my notes files are full of sooooooo much stuff that I know about the characters and plot that never reaches the final product.

So when you're reading your first chapter (I say reading, not writing, because sometimes info dumping for your own benefit is good, and then you fix it before you share the story lol), ask yourself those two questions.

So for example:

In an AU where Dean is a tattoo artist, and it's his POV. The story starts with Dean driving to work, and when he gets there he's going to find out that the empty shop next door has been purchased and is going to be a yoga studio. He meets Castiel out front, up on a ladder trying to hang a hand painted sign, and some teens go running buy and knock into the ladder and Dean has to catch Castiel from falling. (Anyone who wants to adopt this idea is welcome to it btw, I would love to read this lol)

The mistake I often see in a first chapter like this is that as Dean is walking to work, there's a whole Info Dump about why he's a tattoo artist instead of a hunter. He'll be ambling along, thinking about his nice little business, and there's info about how his mom died in a fire, and his dad was a jerk, and Dean didn't go to college because he saved his money for Sammy's college fund, and Dean's only passion was art, and Bobby Singer introduced him to a tattoo shop owner who took Dean under his wing, etc.

Question 1, does your character need to know this?: Why is Dean reflecting on his past? Does Castiel need to know this information in order to build a romance with Dean?

Question 2, does your audience need to know this?: Why does this information matter? If Dean's only reflecting on this because you want to make sure your audience knows where the timeline changed and this became an AU, then you're starting too early in your story. Dean doesn't need to know this, and honestly in a lot of cases the reader doesn't need to know this. This is information that should have been left in your notes file.

Question 3, does the character/audience need to know this NOW?: If this information is pertinent to the plot, like maybe there's some trauma there that Castiel might need to know about to develop their relationship, then you don't want to put it HERE, you want to put it in a conversation with Castiel LATER.

If I was writing this AU, I would just start with Dean sipping his coffee, he's kinda tired because reasons, he looks up to see an unusual commotion, and has to drop his coffee and sprint forward to catch Cas. If he's reflecting on anything in this scene, it's going to be whatever made him tired, or how good/bad the coffee is this morning. Since Cas is a new business owner, they can talk about the origins of Dean's business on their first date, because it'll be a relevant response to Castiel talking about the origins of his yoga studio.

And just in general, if Dean's origin story includes a lot of canon elements, like mom dying in a fire, dad being a deadbeat, Sammy being the adorable overachieving Stanford student.... try to hide that info for as long as you can so that the audience is actually curious about it by the time the info might pop up. It's the wild divergences that are more interesting earlier on.

Okay, and then I want to talk about my giant pet peeve for a starting chapter. It's a specific kind of info dump, that often includes the stuff from above, but then goes a step further.

My nemesis, The Daily Grind.

I haven't asked the authors, so I could be wrong about this, but I feel like most of the time when this type of chapter is included in a story it is because the author wants to show the reader that the character's life is boring and meaningless before the plot's inciting incident. I can absolutely see why that might be considered an important detail about the character, but keep in mind if it's boring and meaningless to the character, it's boring and meaningless to your audience.

You know how I said earlier that writing tips should never be hard and fast rules? Well this is in regards to that Show Don't Tell rule, and it's an example of TOO MUCH showing lol

It is possible to do a daily grind in an interesting way, but only if you include a Shake Up right away. And you have to look at the 3 questions a little bit differently.

So for example:

Castiel POV, and he works in an office. His daily routine is to always get up at the same time every day, he goes for his run, he grooms himself, he has his breakfast, he goes to work and talks to Kelly about how Jack's doing in kindergarten for a few minutes before going into his office. Adler comes in to be a prick, Castiel hates him for it, and then he does his reports, has lunch hiding in a corner of the lunch room so that his co-workers will leave him alone, he does more reporting, leaves an hour after his shift technically ends, goes home to a lonely apartment that maybe includes a pet who is the only being that shows him affection, has an unsatisfying dinner of leftover takeout while watching a mindless reality tv show, then he goes to bed.

Ugh.

BORING.

Which, yeah I get it, the point is that his life is boring. But now the story is too, and I've clicked the back button before I can see how exciting it's capable of getting.

Question 1, does your character need to know this?: No. He knows. Poor thing definitely already knows.

Question 2, does your audience need to know this?: Yes, but...

Question 3, does the character/audience need to know this NOW?: Yes, but new question for ya:

Optional Question 4, why does this need to be separate from your plot's inciting incident? The answer to this 4th question is usually that it doesn't.

Chapter 2 of this type of beginning usually shows the shake up of Castiel's day. My advice is to start with the shakeup, and sprinkle in the details of what you would have put into chapter 1 to show the contrast. It's far more interesting to learn how boring Castiel's day is by starting with the shake up.

So, same scenario:

Castiel's alarm doesn't go off for some reason, OH NO HIS ROUTINE IS SHAKEN UP! You're explaining his routine while also stressing him the fuck out because he has to rush, or skip something that he normally needs to do. Action! Interesting! He gets to work late, and has to miss his conversation with Kelly about Jack because she's telling him that Adler's already in his office being a prick because Castiel isn't there waiting for him like he always is. Oh shit, he's pissing off his asshole boss! Conflict! He's so flustered by the shakeups that he misses something on his report, and he gets a call from that new marketing guy Dean Winchester who asks if they can have a meeting about it when Castiel normally takes his lunch. BAM! MEET CUTE OPPORTUNITY! While Castiel is getting all flustered by how pretty Dean is while they talk about TPS reports, he can reflect on how this is both better and worse than hiding from his co-workers in the corner of the lunch room. The rest of the day after that meeting he's thinking about how weird this day is, he still goes home an hour late, he talks to his pet about his weird day when he gets home, and maybe he still eats leftover takeout, but he's not paying attention to the reality tv show because holy shit he wants to count Dean's freckles.

In this example, you're Telling the audience about Castiel's normal routine instead of Showing them. But since it's during a plot heavy chapter, it works!

Lemme see if I can TL:DR this...

As you're reading, ask yourself who needs to know this information, why do they need to know this information, and why is it important for this information to be included early instead of later?

If the answer to any of those questions boils down to "this is backstory" instead of "this kicks off the plot", then you've started too early.

I hope this helps? I'm always nervous about giving writing advice because so much of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm just feeling around in the dark. And I definitely do not ever want to hurt an author's feelings, because this hobby is so fucking hard, and we're all fragile. Even authors who welcome con-crit with open arms will have a weak point that they're unaware of that might get poked wrong and cause a crack, ya know?

I hope anyone who gets this far who might see their own works reflected in my examples understands that I have a lot of respect for their ability to put their work out into the world, and I want them to keep doing it. We're here to have fun, okay? Okay. I love y'all 💜

#ltleramblings #writer's angst #also i think some of these problems can be solved with a prologue #but that's something i'm literally exploring in my current WIP #so I have no idea if I'm doing it right #and i might be breaking all of my own rules with it lol

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