#came home crying yesterday
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got un depressed enough to take the dog on a walk immediately got re depressed and had to lay down after letting mom know she didn’t have to walk her tonight
#personal#oh okay thanks mom i frequently flash back to moments with dad at a worrying rate#came home crying yesterday#i’m losing more and more hair in the shower and i’m trying to tell myself it’s not what i think it is even tho getting worse with my ed#am considering just never reaching out to my eldest brother again bc he 180ed during dads thing or like just showed who is he is under#pressure my jobs awful my car is breaking down the dog needs a tooth pulled and my dad is dead#and my mom can’t just keep it straight on if she likes or hates me#or if i’m selfish or not#and ignores me but not cruelly which is worse actually#like my mom stone walling me bc she’s upset or something? okay#it’s so hard to describe like. she cares but she doesn’t#she’ll bring me food or ask how my day is going#but i try holding a conversation or anything and she can’t acknowledge me or turn away from the tv#not even bc she’s mad!! she’s just. not? interested?#i don’t know how to describe it#and im upset she said i was selfish during dads death but she’s a acting like we’re fine now#how are we good. if you genuinely resent me and how i acted during that period how are we good#i can barely talk to you without getting super angry or really desperately wanting you to just. i don’t know not be you? be normal ?
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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man sure does feel weird to be this
#VENT IN TAGS VENT IN TAGS DONT LOOK IF YOU DONT WANNA SEE A VENT IN THE TAGS IM WARNING YOU#🪓 we all go a little mad sometimes — vents#i feel so spoiled bc my mom promised to take me to a treasure island (hacked acnh island with everything in the game) today but then didn’t#after i came home late and so i did my hardest to get a character off so i could get raymond on my island but now i cant and i wont#even get him on there because he’s so rare and hard to find and it will take forever but my mom is saying that she doesn’t have the#money for it and that she’s tired so yesterday i spent all of my time for the last treasure island on nothing#bc i couldn’t get even get him on my island and now i can but i dont have him to put on there#so now im crying over nothing important that feels so important to me!!!! yayyy :D!!!!!!!!!
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The amount of times I have had a thought to send to my sister and remembered she will never get it 😭
#kee speaks#we went to the funeral home yesterday and it felt so surreal#mom shared the note my sister left with me and my brother so we know what her mindset was like and her reasoning#but it hurts that she never voiced it to us when we could've reassured her#she parked her truck in one of our farming fields behind a row of thick bushes so the truck wasn't visible from the road#you wouldn't know a truck could make it there unless you've been in that field before like we have#but it's right next to a dammed lake and that's where my brother in law proposed to her and only four days before their wedding anniversary#and then he was the one who found her#none of my family made it over there to be there with him#my dad tried but he blew the engine on his truck just a few miles from the farm; not even a quarter of the way to the field#i think that was a sign that he shouldn't have been there#but my brother in laws family all made it over there so he had his immediate family with him and my family was together at the farm#when the cops were done talking to him over there him and his family came to the farm#from Friday afternoon until Sunday night it was just a continuous parade of people coming and going from the farm#even yesterday evening a bunch of people stopped by#i don't think i have ever received so many hugs in a 72 hour period before#we've definitely deduced that my parents church will not be big enough for everyone if all that showed up at the farm plus more will be ther#we picked a day almost two weeks away for the funeral so that people can make arrangements to come#im so exhausted though#i keep crying over things that feel stupid to cry over#like she was the one who convinced me to read the Murderbot Diaries and the next book comes out in the next couple months#i wont get to talk to her about it#i was going to lend her my PS5 so she could play Jedi Survivor#on Saturday i kept crying over a pin that has been sitting on my mug shelf in the cupboard that was meant for her#i convinced myself to wait until Christmas and put it in her stocking#and now I feel bad that i didnt give it to her when i bought it cause maybe it would've brought her some joy
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can you guys believe it i havent listened to gracie yet
#i was at work the whole day yesterday#and i came back home so exhausted#but i have my coffee now im ready to cry#so lets go#gracie abrams#good riddance deluxe#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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Not my boss bringing up what she said to me yesterday after seeing a pic of me in a wig☠️ she got me rolling AGAIN
#gpoy#im crying cause im laughing so hard#yesterday we were all shari f pics while we did our hair#I was all done up real nice#all black everything and a collar with a bell#its a good pic#but this woman's say#with a straight face and looks me dead kn the eyes#“take me home and abuse me oh my god”#yall we DIED#lmaooooo#10/10 interaction#she let that intrusive thought out so fast#she was baffled#lol#i made a post about this fine ass older lady that came in last night#and how i was no better than a man cause she was rockin it guys#she was also at least 15 years older than me x.x#like damn#but she commented that on my post and i cant stop laughing
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Me at work pretending everything is fine while several people are yelling at me for the wait time and also people calling to harass us about pride stuff
#khalid rambles#I just came home and I’m literally in my room crying my eyes out because fuck#I worked 6 days in a row and yesterday and today were the worst#someone blamed me for the long wait and I’m just a cashier bro I do not wait tables
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Who cursed me????
#i just got stuck in a rain hail storm#WITH MY BIKE#I took the short window where it wasnt hailing super strong to drive through the rain#i couldve just as well jumped in a pool#everything every fiber of my clothing is hot#i am sitting in a bathrobe on my bed#wondering how much bad luck i can have in one week#laptop dead#multiple times to hardware store because wrong screwdriver#the thing with the postal service and my important documents#i spilled coffee all over my floor yesterday#a glassbead fell on my floor and splittered in a million pieces and i stepped in one#it stopped raining 10min after i came home DRENCHED#i want to cry
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It should be illegal to make me responsible for myself after being away from home for the whole day like i still havent eaten and it's been two hours 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
#im sure i would have eaten already if my fridge wasnt completely empty sjshjahsja#i came home the day before yesterday and still havent gone to the grocery store#funny stuff funny stuff#gotta make some noodles now#know that i am mentally crying
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" u__u "
#hey so i'm back came home late yesterday but laughs#i think i actually want to cry and dig a hole and stay buried in it for a while#fifty percent is due to heat legit the other half is something i have not processed yet#i don't even think i want to#so sorry if i reply late to things i may need a while but thankfully i think it will cool down a bit here in a few days#unless summer wants to fucking continue her shit wheezing#but yeah i think my body has been push so hard that i'm just noping#and mentally too
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#last night i dreamed that i was trapped in my same patterns as i am while awake but the building i work in was bigger#and i was so dizzy and disoriented that i kept stumbling from room to room. up and down stairs. running into people who would stare at me#in confusion until one grabbed me in the way u do when someone is being concerning and incoherent and he made me sit in an auditorium#with a doctor who already knew my name. but then i was back in my messy apartment staring down at a lizard id let die because id forgotten#to feed it. part of my brain was in contact with my mum and she said i should come home so i did. i appeared there but i seemed somewhat#transparent. liked id been there a long time so no one noticed my being there was out of place. they were there but doing other things#i wandered into a room where some ppl i knew from hs were performing surgery. i went to wash my hands and the soap came out as blood#my sister tolerated my presence. which is out of character. she seemed to sense something was wrong. then i walked back into my current#apartment halfway across the country. caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and became transcendently angry#uneasy dreams. but at least i didnt have to get up at 6. i mean i still only got like 7hrs sleep at most but better than 6 i guess#its probably bc i spent so much time hysterically crying and staring off into space yesterday. by the end of the day i felt so awful i#wondered if i might b getting sick. dizzy in that way thats not quite dizzy#but today should b pretty laid back. still doing things but probably ill hace time to get some non work bullshit#done. hopefully. then its back to 11hr days until Monday#then the experiment is over and i havr to deal with the consequences. and finish my other destructive project#which has at least 11 days left#well see what happens 🫠#unrelated
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y’all remember halloween and i had my worst meltdown to date outside of attempts? similar build up rn actually
#personal#:)#i’m not doing great. my brother asked how i’m doing and it’s the first time#in a very long time someones asked me that without me begging them to example when i broke my foot#anyway he sent me that after i was making sure he’s been calling our dad and it led to me violently sobbing bc no one ever asks me that#and i’m just overwhelmed constantly#and yesterday my mom said my brother offered to let dad stay with him#other brother than the one who asked im doing it’s the one who broke my door on christmas#and she said it was so nice not to feel alone in this fight and i want to scream#which i have been in my car my floor anywhere i can it’s really easy to just scream till i can’t and cry lately#and it’s like i mean nothing.#like all the talks we have all the constant venting to me every conversation ending with me giving her money or treats or WHATEVER#like the night my brother called her i was like hey. i know this is bad and dads abusive to you. that gets lost in translation a lot and#you get pained as the villain but you’re not. this is horrible and i recognize that and want you to know#between helping my dad all the time like even while in the rest room i just have to be available#and my moms calling me to make sure he eats im paying btw and clean the house and fix a lamp#and half i can’t do bc of my dad#and she came home and was like heat this up for dad and i just broke i lied and said i feel on my foot bc i was screaming#and she starting muttering some shit about me but took care of my dad#and then my friends want to hang out and i get it most people need to hang out with friend occasionally#but i turn them down and he’s like trying to keep asking me and i’m like no i need to rest and do my taxes it’s been a bit hectic between#family emergencies new full time job and a broken foot#but he keeps pushing ti im just like no i’m not going out. i don’t want to get into it but life is very bad for me rn#frankly speaking i would kill myself than go out tonight tomorrow or even next week (we have plans next week) but i should be normal enough#by next week to hang.#and it’s like this with so many fucking people and the only people i would willingly see rn#is audrey and gg and my brother and sure i have plans tomorrow but i’m not super excited about it#and they should be quick!#if i get anymore push back i’m just canceling all plans and going mia i just can’t do this
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My brain's weird it screams just by reflex of me seeing a bug but will take like a day to register a death lol
My mood today be like:
Then after I finish crying:
#vent#im having a really shitty day#i just wanted my fucking cold teriyaki#but nooooooo#fucking cockroach cricjet thing whatever tf crawled out of it#so my apatite is gone for the night#oh ya in other news my uncle died#i haven't seen him in a while#heart attack in his sleep#so now time to see that “your everyones favorite person when your gone” thing play out so that'll be fun#his siblings disowened him or smth to that effect cause he was gay so my moms gonna play nice unless his sister comes crying to her#then my mom may go to jail we'll see#uncle as in my moms cousin btw#so ya i found out when i got home yesterday kinda blacked out the rest of the night cause in retrospect i dont really remember after that#then just cried intermittently today#*horray sound effect from fnaf plays sarcastically*#what broke the tear dam originally was my teacher thought itd be a great idea to play a documentary...#about places w/ high concentrations of 100 year olds & how they stayed sharp by not being lonely 😑#ya its morbidly ironic cause he was in his 60s#fuck life rn man he was cool rip#you know what documentaries at school are always horribly timed in my personal life. the last doc was a murder-rape#& a criminal “family member” came at ~4am & stayed outside the door for hours & waited for us to wake up then ate breakfast with us#(hasnt done that kind of crime- or hasnt been proven to have done that kind of crime)#(but still made me have a panic attack first thing in the morning so thats fun 😁)#(ya who tf plays a murder-rape doc for their 8th grade 1st period???)#(also didnt help that the criminal family member was alone in the house with my elderly grandmother & physically unwell mother 😄)#(at least theyre- socialable- i guess?? completely unrelated aside from the doc part)#YAY TRAUMA DUMPING :D#yay trauma#(clarification: “sociable” as in not on horrible terms with my family
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yall please please please always keep an eye out for motorcycle riders when you drive
#saw a video of a wreck involving one that happened in town yesterday. can't stop thinking about it#guys kid goes to school with my sister so she learned abt it while still in class and came home crying to my dad begging him to sell his#i shouldn't have gone looking for the video after hearing it was pn fb but morbid curiousity won out#katie.txt#death tw#this woman pulled out to cross the highway and didn't see him in time. this highway is infamous for its fatal wrecks here
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sometimes being trans is an endless battle to appear overly welcoming and loveable in an effort to be accepted n other times it’s your roommate putting pink and blue beads behind the new leaves that haven’t unfurled yet on your favorite plant because she doesn’t have any white ones
#I came home from work yesterday and she showed me :(#it’s the little things that aren’t meant to mean much but actually really do <333#to be loved is to be seen !#it made me cry ok back to cleaning now goodbye#elle!screams
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maybe if I just tell myself that i love my job then I'll love my job and stop crying in the kitchen
#fanya.txt#the crying is unrelated to my job and related instead to me having been triggered by B yesterday#pro: i didnt cry when i came home but saved it for work the next day so im technically being paid to feel upset rn so.#i am however exhausted and pushing through a headache rn and i just hate doing kitchen cleanup bc it takes HOURS#HOOOUURRS#and thats annoying#also im gonna be busy all evening after work so :(( no time for stardew valley#im done at 15 and then after that im gonna look at a car w gramps and soph#and at 19/20ish bff wanted me to drop by to hang out for a bit b4 i drive him to his overnught buss bc hes going back to england#my evening :((#its fine tho its cool im just being a genuine baby abt it#ill get to relax once im done at work sunday evening bc then i uh. dont have work for a few weeks .........
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