#came from inside the house

[imageingrunge]

mama <3

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[pekoeboo]

a silly thing based on some Hitman shenanigans from a while back. 47 wanted to go inside the Party House™ but he wasn't allowed :c

[sysig]

Hiya :) I've been getting into DSMP animatics, and I love seeing the different interpretations of the character designs even though I only have a vague sense of the lore so far. It's all got cool vibes!! Can I request a drawing of Ranboo or Wilbur, or maybe even both? I'm not sure if they actually ever interact in the story or not, but I'd say interpret the prompt however you want and have fun??

Day 19 - Stuck inside

[soyboycorvid]

I'll never forget the experience I had before realizing I was trans where I constantly thought about boys kissing and would imagine myself as a boy kissing other boys or just being gay and then I freaked out internally and went "oh God oh fuck I'm fetishizing gay men I'm so terrible I can never tell anyone about these thoughts I'm having"

Bro you ARE the gay man, calm down

[bitchsister]

I LOVE UR OLLY / FELIX FIC. IT IS EATIBG ME ALIVE IVE BEEN LISTEJING TO THE OLAYLIST FOR DAYS SALTBURN ALREADY MADE ME MENTALKY ILL AND NOW THIS????????????

BAAAAAHHHH !! Thank you 🫶 I’m in too deep now. If you think you feel crazy, imagine how I must feel, writing this wicked shit. New chapter is posted. And for anyone else interested in becoming absolutely insane, I’ll just link it below. Thank you for the sweet lil words anon.

[analogboii]

as someone who has hated drake for a long time, i am LIVING for kendrick dragging him rn. he was LOCKED and LOADED. thirty minute response time IS INSANE. he on that next level shit fr. i dont even listen to kendrick but damn that man chewed him up and spit him out. he left NO crumbs

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

[brutlist]

mourning the heugh children and how they all have the same trauma bond over how they looked at heugh like some legend that was just larger than life , that bled gold , like every exhale of smoke was it's own force of nature just because it was his , that smelled like it had rained when they'd been sleeping when he carried them , and he was their daddy

[hungry-game]

I'm in Princes server, I saw the ask before it was answered. I really didn't expect the Battery Acid thing to be so wide spread 😭 RIP Haiku -🔋

[OOC: RTFUVY HOLY SHIT]

[steviescrystals]

MY LIFE IS NOT REAL WHAT IS GOING ON

[name-that-isnt]

I noticed how my black lemonade related posts usually got a decent amount of notes,, except for the ones that acknowledged her bi-ness outside of the tags. It was an unintentional experiment, but it was very very telling

I hc glitter as bi cuz she's always had pink purple and blue in her design, but colors aren't everything so I don't at all mind her being called a lesbian. The character that got clearly flustered over a man and has obvious feelings for a woman tho? Yeah no lemonade is for the bis, sorry not sorry. And I don't wanna hear any "oh she was just flustered cuz rockstar's her idol!!" If rockstar was a woman y'all would've been saying otherwise till the end of time. Seriously, why is sexuality always up to interpretation when it comes to bi characters?? If I were to say sea fairy or moonlight being lesbians was "up to interpretation" y'all would rightfully throw a fit, so why is this situation any different?? I'm just a teensy bit fed up, y'know?

[tchaikovskaya]

i always forget how many Critters there are in the deep south until i either spend a lengthy amt of time away from here and come back, or i interact with someone relatively new here (esp in the summer). like wow u cant expect to see a lizard and a tree frog stuck to the outside wall when you open the front door to leave the house? wild

[yo9urt]

in hindsight i realize i may not have been clear about minecraft last night. let me be clear (<- obama voice): I Have It

[flippedorbit]

guy who feels annoying All Of The Time for rambling gets told it’s fine to do so unapologetically…… sobs :’] <3 /pos

i shall dm you i guess????? i think that’s most comfy for Me lol??? <- is so bad at social interaction omg save me

(responding to tags again: you fucking GET IT!!!!! shakes you so much omfg dude RAHHHH!!!!!! /affectionate

your cat is so cute…… she is goals (i’m catkin lmao) she looks so cozy and warm and soft and yeah she’s just great. giving her a little kiss because what cat doesn’t deserve lil kissies?)

-gregarious anon

:D yeah i ramble constantly about whatever’s on my mind and am constantly worried about being annoying so when someone else feels that way about rambling to me i just go with it, no being annoying here, just fun and chatting about whatever comes to mind :3

and o7 looking forward to it, gregarious anon

[queerpyracy]

haunted and vexed all day by the fact that the beach house i dreamed about, which was cylindrical and the lower floor was made to look like a big bookshelf on the outside for some reason, doesn't exist