#c: anne lister

[supahgays]

"I love and only love the fairer sex. My heart revolts from any other love than theirs. These feelings have not wavered or deviated since childhood. I was born like this." (Prints)

[gentlejack]

( Anne in every scene ) -S02/E01“ Faith Is All ”

[nerdykeppie]

Launching Tuesday - Historically Queer, our next enamel pin collection!

We Have Always Been Here.

Ten pins - two pairs, five single pins, and the La Maupin mega pin (she needed extra room for her headdress) - each with multiple unlockable colorways.

We launch Tuesday, 9/12, at 3PM Eastern, noon Pacific. Follow us on Kickstarter to be notified when we launch -- or just to help out! The visibility to Kickstarter from having followers on our campaign helps a lot. :D

Featured in this campaign:

Enheduanna, oldest named author. Incorporating trans themes into writing thousands of years old.

David & Jonathan, king & prince whose love surpassed the love of women.

Sappho, Lesbian poet. She should need no other introduction.

La Maupin, also known as Julie d'Aubigny. The original disaster bisexual. Opera singer, swordswoman. May have burned down a convent.

Publick Universal Friend, American religious figure. Going by gender-neutral pronouns since the year the Declaration of Independence was written.

Anne Lister & Ann Walker, the Gentleman Jack & her wife. Acknowledged as the first same-gender marriage in modern Britain.

Dr. James Barry, British surgeon. A transgender man, Dr. Barry performed the first C-section done by a European in Africa in which both mother & child survived. He is also credited with vastly improving conditions for wounded soldiers in the British military.

Nikola Tesla, Serbian-American genius. Listing Tesla's inventions would take a series of posts. Liked pigeons better than people.

If you don't see your favorite historical figure, don't fret! We've planned multiple sets of Historically Queer figures. We can't use them all up at once. :) Help ensure we can make future sets by helping us create this one!

Frequently Asked Questions under the cut.

Hey, what flag is that on Sappho?

That's the Sapphic flag, created by @tepkunset. NerdyKeppie's owner, Spider, is a butch lesbian who uses that flag for their art.

Hey - what about [historical figure]? How could you forget [historical figure]? This is erasure!

We didn't forget, we promise - this is the first of several installments of this project. After the absolute stress of the last Kickstarter when we had 300+ different SKUs by the end of the project, we decided to take a more focused approach to Historically Queer. We attempted to provide a good cross-section of identities, and will continue to expand in future projects. Spider has a huge folder on his computer full of planned pins and reference images.  

But historically...

Yes, we know that it isn't totally proper to use today's terms to discuss people who lived a long time ago. But also, how else do we talk about our community history in a way that's understood, and celebrate our shared queerness, other than to use the words and iconography which are understandable to us now? We celebrate our shared history with the words and understandings most accessible to all of us, and we hope that by providing not just the pins but a few elementary facts about these historical figures, we'll encourage people to read more about them in their original context.

[perioddramapolls]

Period dramas dresses tournament: Black dresses Round 1- Group C: Anne Lister, Gentleman Jack (gifset) vs Lidia Poet, The law according to Lidia Poet (gifset)

[evaludate]

Evaludate Episode 99: The Devil Is Real (Tyril I Lister of even if Tempest, Part 1)

Summary:

On today's TWO HOUR EVALUDATE SPECIAL, we're getting into the real-world history of witch hunting and witch trials around Europe and North America, Madelyn insists that everyone else insisting that she would like Tyril is still wrong, and being a murder suspect is boring now--it's time to get deputized.

Content Warnings:

Discussion of antisemitism and islamophobia: 13:23 - 14:45, 54:28 - 54:55

Sexual Assault: 25:17 - 25:59

Emetophobia: 1:06:08 - 1:07:31

CSA: 1:16:50 - 1:17:20

Suicide: 1:16:50 - 1:17:20

Incest: 1:30:43 - 1:31:05, 1:34:04 - 1:34:16

Corrections, Notes, and Sources:

Air misspoke when saying Pope John XXII’s declaration of witchcraft as heresy in 1320 took the form of a papal bull. Though the pope eventually described witchcraft and announced that anyone who engaged with it would be excommunicated in his 1336 papal bull Super illius specula, his initial 1320 judgment was outlined in Cardinal William of Santa Sabina’s “Letter of 22 August 1320, to Inquisitors of Carcassone and Toulouse”

In the episode, Air stated that Matthew Hopkins charged around £20 per town, in reference to how much he was reported to have charged the town of Stowmarket in A.G. Hollingsworth’s History of Stowmarket (1844). According to the records, he charged £23 plus traveling expenses. Hopkins himself, however,  stated that he only took “twenty shillings a town” (A History of Witchcraft In England from 1558 to 1718)

Please note that some of Air’s sources are primary documents, and tread carefully. There are a lot of hot stoves in this source list. 

Cautio Criminalis, or a Book on Witch Trials by Friedrich Spee, Translation and Foreword by Marcus Hellyer

The Cheese and The Worms by Carlo Ginzburg, translated by John and Anne C. Tedeschi Daemonologie by King James I 

The Discovery of Witches by Matthew Hopkins

The Disenchantment of Magic: Spells, Charms, and Superstition in Early European Witchcraft Literature by Michael D. Bailey 

Esoterica Witchcraft Lecture Series by Dr Justin Sledge

The Faithful Executioner: Life and Death, Honor and Shame in the Turbulent Sixteenth Century by Joel F. Harrington

A Guide to Grand-Jurymen by Richard Bernard

The History Of Witchcraft And Demonology by Montague Summers

A History of Witchcraft in England from 1558 to 1718 by Wallace Notestein

Joan of Arc: By Herself and Her Witnesses by Régine Pernoud

Male Witches in Early Modern Europe by Lara Apps and Andrew Gow

Malleus Maleficarum by Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger, translation by Montague Summers

“Which Witch(craft Act) is Which?” by Nicole Hartland

[blood-choke]

Don’t know if this has been asked before but do u have any book recs for exploring butch identity, lesbian-ism, and queerness in general? Love your work by the way! Both blood choke and northern passage are my top favs right now and the way you navigate and explore gender identity is just chefs kiss

thank you!

i've recommended a few books here and there... stone butch blues, obviously, and then s/he by minnie bruce pratt, the persistent desire: a butch/femme reader, transgender warriors by leslie feinberg, whipping girl by julia serano, sister outsider by audre lorde, we both laughed in pleasure by lou sullivan, gender outlaw by kate bornstein... some of these are dated of course but still worth the read. when it comes to reading dated queer literature i always approach it with compassion and remind myself that the community was different back then, and the community will be different twenty years from now, and that it's worthwhile to understand these differences and respect them. also a lot of these authors have huge catalogues of work, i'm just suggesting their more well-known pieces.

some more "modern" books i'd suggest are gender failure by ivan coyote and rae spoon, tomboy survival guide by ivan coyote, black on both sides: a racial history of trans identity by c. riley snorton, hijab butch blues by lamya h, the will to change: men, masculinity, and love by bell hooks, miss major speaks with toshio meronek, my lesbian experience with loneliness by kabi nagata, burning butch by r/b mertz, the secret diaries of miss anne lister (not modern but the presentation is)

i haven't read all of these myself, most of these are lifted right from my to read shelf, but hopefully you see something that interests you! also keep an eye out for content warnings, i think a few of these are pretty heavy reads.

for the older work i always suggest checking if it's on the internet archive (i think almost if not all of them are, i'm just too lazy to look and link them myself rn) there's also the digital transgender archives which are fun to explore!

[incorrect-gentleman-jack]

Anne Lister: I found that I have been happier ever since I changed from drinking coffee in the morning to orange juice

Anne Lister: Doctors say it's the vitamin-C. I personally think it's the vodka.

[unapologeticallygay]

Anne Lister, the lesbian diarist dubbed "the first modern lesbian"

L by Joshua Horner (c 1830), R by Mrs. Turner of Halifax (c 1822)

Anne Lister lived from April 3, 1791 - September 22, 1840. She was an independent landowner from England who was noted to always be dressed in black and not partaking in typical femininity. She became well known after her death when her diaries were discovered and decoded. The diaries were written from age 15 until her death, parts written in code, and detailed her history of attraction and relationships with women.

“Burnt Mr Montague’s farewell verses that no trace of any man’s admiration may remain. It is not meet [meant] for me. I love and only love the fairer sex and thus beloved by them in turn my heart revolts from any other love than theirs” 29 Jan 1821 – written in Anne’s journal [reference SH:7/ML/E:4]

She did not appear to be ashamed of her sexuality as she would openly court women she was interested in and had many lovers. Her first love was a pupil and roomate at the Manor School in York when she was 15, Eliza Raine. It was with Eliza that she developed the code she would use in her diaries to write notes back and forth with. The first entry in Anne's diary was "Eliza left us." Her second named lover was Isabella Norcliffe and she remained an occasional lover through the remainder of her life but rejected her as life partner, perhaps because of disagreeing with Isabella's drinking. Isabella then introduced Anne to the woman that would become the love of Anne's life, Mariana Belcombe. Mariana married a man even though it upset Anne but they continued their affair for a while after. She eventually told Anne that she was ashamed to be seen with her due to her masculinity and they parted ways. Mariana would later try to get Anne back when Anne inherited a large amount of money and the Shibden Hall but she rejected her. She went on to marry (as a church blessing, not legally recognized) Ann Walker because she met her social standing. This would be the first gay marriage in England. Anne passed away six years after their marriage.

Her wearing all black everyday was a public statement to others of her being different, as at the time young unmarried women typically wore white or lighter colours while black was reserved for mourning. Men would yell and shout at her things like "are you a man or a woman?" and would follow her when she was in public. Because of her looks her nickname from the public was "Gentleman Jack". She largely didn't respect men as she believed to be more educated than most who only studied one subject.

“I know my own heart and understand my fellow man. But I am made unlike anyone I have ever met. I dare to say that I am like no one in the whole world” 20 Aug 1823 – written in Anne’s journal quoting Rousseau [reference SH:7/ML/E/7]

Anne was adventurous and liked to travel. She was the first woman to ascend Mount Perdu and the first person ever to ascend Mount Vignemale. At the time conventions called for women not to travel alone, they had to at least have a male companion to protect them. She did not abide by this and often travelled alone and later on with her wife. It was during her and her wife's visit to Russia that she was bit by an insect and succumbed to fever. She was 49.

Her diaries were originally first found by a relative of hers, John Lister, in 1890 but because John was also gay and feared his sexuality being found out if he broadcast her diaries, he reburied them. Later they would be found and translated in 1983 by historian Helene Whitbread. A section of her diaries remain lost.

"Writing my journal has amused & done me good. I seemed to have opened my heart to an old friend. I can tell my journal what I can tell none else." From Anne Lister’s journal entry of 16th September 1823.

Sources

https://www.annelister.co.uk/

https://museums.calderdale.gov.uk/famous-figures/anne-lister

[co-mixed]

Let's Chat About those Guardians

It’s mind-boggling to think how long has it been since we first met the MCU guardians. It’s been 9 years and this third part is meant to be the conclusion. So let’s gush. No reviewing, no goods or bads, let’s just chat about the movie.

I was supposed to watch it on May 3 but a tragic event forced the theaters to postpone the premiere. So it took a week of dodging the spoilers. And you know what? That was incredibly easy this time, despite my following a bunch of comic book accounts and casually browsing Tumblr and Reddit. Nothing was spoiled but everyone warned me I’ll be crying. I didn’t, I sobbed but I didn’t cry.

Like many millennials (so it seems), I don’t take animal abuse lightly and gotg goes out of its way to show you how sweet and trusting they are. Which makes the story of Rocket and his friends so much more heartbreaking. It’s hard to watch and it’s impossible to look away. So before I go into detail about everything else I loved, I have to mention that this was tough. The flashbacks, while impeccably done and masterfully sprinkled all over the movie, kept hitting over and over. It really made me wanna hug my cats tight (which I of course did when I returned from the theater.)

Now to the rest of it. 

We got a new villain. He’s not a galactic threat, he does his own thing an would’ve been easily ignored had it not been for his personal ties to Rocket. But this is exactly what I keep saying I love about comics and what I miss dearly when heroes are facing off a huge mega villain. It works best when it’s personal and you can get away with that easily whenever you put in time to develop your characters. 

Characters

Guardians have no lack in development: if you look at them, each one has made a journey from a little-known and almost discarded 616 c-lister to a highly recognized hero. And from a misfit to a family member.

But despite this being very much a Rocket story, I see this found family narrative brought home mostly by Gamora. We don’t see her story, not this Gamora’s anyway. But we see her having found her place among the ravagers. And it’s so heartwarming. She’s not the same Gamora who died on Vormir and it’s being mentioned over and over again. She even gets falsely nostalgic over the possibility of being with the guardians but her home is not there. And I appreciate her being a little closer to her comics counterpart- the deadliest woman in the galaxy.

It’s beautiful that she keeps in touch with her sister. And it’s beautiful that Nebula, initially a side character, in the best traditions of writing, makes the longest and the most complex journey from a maniac at Thanos’s side to a caring family member and the leader of Knowhere. This reminds you that several appearances if done right, can build an arc. Sort of like Anne in the Buffyverse.

Quill works through his issues, and he has a lot of those. I honestly don’t know when and why he will return but it sure will be nice to watch him in a fresh new team-up. Previous movies always focused on him more, and it made sense at the time (comics tend to do the same) but him returning to Earth is definitely a twist. Not exactly unexpected, just interesting. He managed to avoid it and he seemed to have made peace with never going back there but I suppose to face his issues he had to return. This could’ve been overlooked but I love that it isn’t. 

Drax and Mantis- what a fun friendship they’ve built. I’m so glad we saw tons of it in the Christmas special and it built the way for the touching arc and finale here in gotg 3. I don’t see any good reason for them to part, really. So this is just sad. I hope they at least keep in touch. But honestly, Mantis definitely has room for more stories (so does Drax, I mean we gotta see Moondragon eventually, especially with Phyla showing up, and even with retcons in mind, she could still be his kid). 

But all in all, these are the two characters that pretty much carry the comedy with each interaction. And in vol.3 they literally never fail to deliver. And notice how comedy mostly comes from phrases and interactions amid tragic and serious events.

This movie has a lot going on and Adam Warlock could’ve easily been too much. But I like how they managed to make him a reasonable part of the story and he even got his own little arc. I mean, he is an amazing character in the comics and brings some quality stories to be told. 

The new Guardians lineup has potential and so far, that’s the only thing I can say because I’m not a fan of theorizing. And we don’t really know if they will return but they may. I mean anything is possible right? But even if they don’t, I like knowing they’re all out there somewhere. 

Is it too naive to still hope to see Nova/Gamora romance? I’m a sucker for a good ship and theirs was in my opinion the best one as far as Gamora’s concerned. So here’s still hoping. 

Story

Yeah, the story overall. Like I said, a lot is going on and somehow it all still works. Because every little story and side quest actually builds the whole bigger picture. Even though it was so easy to fall into the same trap TRoS did (I’ll never get over how bad that movie is.) 

But in this case, every story is given enough time to matter and not a single minute is wasted on an irrelevant cameo or fam service. In fact, there aren’t that many references to the bigger 199999 (oh yeah that’s never gonna be 616.) It feels like its own thing, even though it’s tied heavily to Infinity War and Endgame. Still, you experience it as part 3. With the logical conclusion to every character. It also doesn’t set up anything, so if you don’t like movies that serve as building blocks for the MCU, this one is right up your alley. It’s very much its own thing. Although you have to come from the house that is the Infinity Saga. 

It’s funny as hell, it makes you tear up, and it leaves you happy and excited. This is all you can possibly want from a movie. As long as you don’t forget that this isn’t a retelling of the comics, but really its own reality. 

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

Hello, I'm feeling fabulously lazy today, so going to write this before prying myself up to go make lunch and do some tidying and generally do something other than get caught in that downward spiral of checking the same four social media sites again and again.

Definitely time for a walk, especially as autumn has truly arrived, and it's beautiful here.

Writing

Whumptober: So much written! So much of it is very long! I'm down to the last couple stories I think, plus a few prompts that are mostly unfilled and can stay that way or not as they please. I am also to the point where I'm mostly working on stories that I want to write and want to put out there, but which aren't quite as much fun as everything else. (This is also why I haven't touched at the back of the holy temple, a duet for two voices in a week. I love it, but I don't get the immediate hit I get writing another meet-cute h/c femme story. One isn't better than the other, but my response to them varies!)

Also, I think I will switch up how I post, based on, er, that one tumblr post from earlier this week. Especially because some of my prompt fills are really long (7k-10k words!), I'll post each fill as a standalone story within my whumptober series. I might post a whole omnibus story with all of them, but maybe I'll just link the stories in the series? We'll see how lazy I am, lol.

Reading

omg so much! I read Learned by Heart in like three days, and it made my Anne Lister-loving heart sing. Truly, it broke my heart and it was so sweet and so happy and sad and just so good, I loved it and I'm hoping it triggers another bout of Lister hyperfixation.

I also read Agatha of Little Neon, which was likewise sad but sweet and happy and hopeful. It had a lot of feelings, but I loved it very, very much, and it just...made me feel good inside?

I was DNF on The Late Americans by about the sixth Sad Gay Man whose personality traits were that he was Sad and Gay and [insert one additional trait here that is shared with at least one other Sad Gay Man]. I love Brandon's newsletter and his criticism; I did not like this novel.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I will dive in with more Thoughts here, because I can! specifically about the 19th century, since that's my era of expertise

short answer is that it varied wildly because, outside some urban centers, cohesive queer community was not really a thing. Hard to come to agreed-upon common terms when you have nobody to agree upon them with

"friend" and "companion" are the terms I've seen most often, especially for sapphic relationships (two women). even when it's pretty clear from context that they know their union is different from other friendships. a c. 1800 letter to one Charity Bryant from her female lover, for example, both calls her "my friend" and mentions that they must "speak of love softly"- in mispelled French as a sort of code -in case the lover's mother reads the letter

Anne Lister, of course, notably referred to each of her two successive wives as just that. so clearly that was not an unheard-of terminology in private

I've seen "lover" less often, and mostly in period erotica, but I don't think it's too far-fetched that some Worldly-Wise queer people might have used it

long-term relationships that successfully avoided suspicion of homosexuality could- paradoxically, to the modern reader -be deemed marriage-like by the participants' communities. once again we turn to Charity Bryant, who lived with her wife Sylvia Drake from 1807 until her death, and whose town (Weybridge, Vermont, USA) effectively considered them married. but like, you know- a Chaste Devoted Pure "marriage" between two Spinster Ladies. the best explanation I can find for this is that, when marriage is considered an innately holy institution, any union of two people that seems similarly positive may be compared to it

but of course, that only worked if you

A. had a single long-term monogamous partner, and

B. managed to convince people that you were completely platonic Best Buddies living together, with no sex going on (romance could often fly under the radar as Really Faithful Sacred Friendship, Oh How Inspiring if you were able to strike exactly the right balance of public devotedness. especially for women, but for men, too)

very rarely, and mostly just in a clinical sense, do you see terms like "homosexual lovers" or "lesbian lovers" being used. those terms had negative connotations in the broader world, as you might imagine. your bachelor uncle might have resolved to Never Marry and taken up housekeeping with his Good Chum so they will not be bothered by Fussing Women; your friend might have devoted herself to her Dearest Lady Companion to Seek A Pure Life Free From The Cares of Marriage (read: sex), but they're not homosexual lovers. that implied something very specific, very different, and very bad to the average cishet person of the 19th century

tl;dr- in the 19th century, "friend/companion" seems to have been the most common term used by queer people for same-gender partners (and by The Straights, for same-gender couples that successfully flew under the radar), though occasionally marriage-related terms came into play

obviously erasure of gay relationships in history does and has existed but ngl it irritates me when people specifically latch onto the word "friend" as something you're somehow not allowed to call gay people & that by calling them "friends" you're somehow denying their gayness. because the fact of the matter is that a lot of gay people in history would and did call themselves friends & did not see that as excluding the possibility of romantic love or sex. like it's a perfectly fine word to use provided you're acknowledging the possibility of the full breadth of what that relationship could mean, and in fact a lot of times to assign other words to them is to make assumptions about how they viewed their relationship and potentially to impose concepts on them they wouldn't have seen themselves in

[gentlejack]

Muse vs Mun

tagged: by the wonderful @imbricare ( thank you so much <3 )

tagging: @violetyorkshirelady, @wellvcrsedetiquette, @thevamplelio, @spynorth, @vyrulent ( for Aleera or whomever you'd prefer! ), @afraidofchange ( for Ana :3 ), and YOU!

[sassmill]

I’ve had this part of the back of my mind fixating on queer dynamics in history for like a month but specifically

The dynamic of women in the 19th c that were activists or academics or like. Just intelligentsia right. Who we look back at evidence of them never marrying and being vocal about why they don’t marry (ie married to their work, needing to focus on their Cause or some such). Alongside the evidence of intense emotional relationships with other women like them that from a modern lens looks like they were probably in a queer relationship. But I’m thinking of like.

In their frame of reference, without the same language for queerness or set and visible structures of queerness (and no explicit evidence a la Anne Lister to make it anything but conjecture to say that they were romantic partners) there must have been an entire identity within that unspecified otherness. Like uh. Like an understood intellectual relationship between two women who maybe never kissed or expressed any physical affection, wether they desired it or not, but they both understood each other as the same kind of other—what we would call queerness today—and they might’ve considered themselves partners or spouses in that sense even if they never consummate the relationship or live together like a Boston marriage.

Like yes obviously asexuality and aromanticism conceptually but. I don’t know something beyond that of understanding that this person is for you both despite societal limits and also within societal limits. The only transgression is mental, in the way they work together and think about each other. Not suppression but an acceptance of what they can realistically be to each other within their station in life as well as their devoted path.

I don’t think any of this is coherent but the part that I am fixating on is this: conceptually, there have to be queer relationship dynamics that can never exist again because the exact situations they evolved from will never exist in the same way again and it’s such a damn shame that we don’t have more documentation of “queer identities” before it was an identity. I want to know how my ancestors thought about their relationships in the context of their desires, you know?

[charturnus]

The Torments Of Love

Ship: Anne Lister x Ann Walker

Warnings: 18+, minors DNI; blink and you miss it super vague mention of SA; voyeurism (kinda?); orgasm control; angst at the end if you squint

Summary: When Anne finds out what Mr. Thomas Ainsworth did to her beloved Ann, she stops being intimate with her. Ann, already plagued by nerves, can hardly cope, so she seeks Anne out one night, in hopes of getting rid of that insistent ache between her thighs.

━━━━━━━━━ ✯¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿•*`¨*`•.¸✯ ━━━━━━━━━

Anne loved her. Anne loved her. Anne loved her

She repeated it in her head, over and over, like a prayer.

Anne loved her. She had told her so, Ann saw her lips move as they formed those words, she heard her say it, in the voice she loved so dearly.

She repeated it to herself, day and night. Like a mantra, like a talisman that kept her safe from all harm. If only she kept saying it, it wouldn’t go away.

She often found herself dwelling on why she loved Anne so much. She could have chosen anyone, but she chose her. Why? And what did it matter? In an infinite universe where planets and stars constantly die and are born again, what difference did it make? Nothing. She didn't matter, and neither did Anne. There is so much mysterious beauty, so many wonderful things. And yet, all she wanted, was Anne.

Perhaps, she thought, they had both come from the same star, and stardust from that star flowed through both of their veins. Perhaps the bit of star in her sees a universe in Anne’s eyes, a constellation in her freckles. Maybe she should have always done this, maybe this is why she had always loved Anne so fiercely. Their stars had been trying to pull them together and now here they were.

Anne loved her, she had told her so. And yet, she would not touch her anymore.

After she had confessed to Anne what Mr Ainsworth had done to her, she stopped touching her like that. She stopped kissing her on her mouth, instead going for her cheek or her hands. Ann didn’t question her on it, she understood that which Anne had been unable to say. She had not lost interest, instead she was waiting for Ann to come to her. She did not want to make her feel pressured and for that Ann loved her but she was concerned too. She wanted to be touched by Anne, but she did not know how to ask for it.

She knew Anne’s lust had not died down either. Anne touched herself sometimes, when it was late at night and she thought Ann had fallen asleep. Ann would watch her through her eyelashes, taking in the sight of Anne pleasuring herself. Her hand would move softly, slowly between her legs and she would bite down on her fist to stop herself from making noise. Ann thought she was beautiful. She never told her, for she did not like to hear it, but Ann thought she was beautiful all the same.

Watching her made Ann ache. She wished she could reach out, open her eyes and let Anne know she was watching. She longed for a night with Anne’s hands all over her and she longed to touch Anne too. But for that to happen she knew she had to be the one to reach out. It scared her, she wasn’t confident like Anne was. She didn’t know how to ask, she was afraid of looking foolish, she was afraid Anne would turn her away.

So instead, she let herself ache. Watching Anne, night after night.

On one particular night however, she could not get to sleep. She was pacing around Crow’s nest, trying desperately to clear her head. She ached. It was almost unbearable, it almost hurt. Squeezing her thighs together gave her a moment of relief, but as soon as her thighs unclenched the ache came back, perhaps even worse than before. She wanted to cry. She wished she was brave enough to touch herself as Anne did, she had tried it a handful of times but she could never make herself feel like Anne could. Anne could do such wonderful things to her.

She came to an abrupt halt in the library, she stared out of the window, clasping her hands tightly together. Anne could do wonderful things to her, if only she asked. Anne could make this go away, Anne could help her. Anne would help her.

The decision was made in half a heartbeat, she turned on her heel and headed straight back to their bedroom. She was still afraid, she still didn’t know what she would say or how she would ask but she knew Anne wouldn’t turn her away, Anne would touch her if she asked.

When she walked into the room the first thing she saw was Anne laying on their bed, reading a book by the light of some candles. She looked up at the sound of the door opening. ‘’There you are!’’ she said, closing her book and half rising in bed. ‘’I was wondering whether you’d gotten lost’’

Ann didn’t reply, she was gathering all the courage she had, to do what she knew she wanted more than anything. Walking over to the bed and climbing in she tried to ignore Anne’s raised eyebrow. ‘’Ann? Are you alright’’

She couldn’t bear it any longer. She tugged her nightgown up so she could straddle Anne’s thighs, she still didn’t know what to say so she leaned in to kiss her. If Anne was surprised she didn’t show it, she allowed Ann to kiss her and even let her hands rest gingerly on Ann’s buttocks.

The touch makes her feel like her insides were on fire, how she had missed this, how she had missed feeling Anne like this.

When she whimpers into the kiss Anne pulls away to look at her. ‘’Ann, what’s this?’’

She opens her mouth but no sound comes out, instead she just feels her bottom lip tremble. Anne’s thumb reaches out to touch it and for a moment she feels a mad desire to take it into her mouth, she doesn’t. But Anne didn’t miss the way her lips parted and the way her head turned to lean into the touch.

‘’Ann? Talk to me.’’

She takes a deep breath to steady herself. ‘’it hurts, Anne’’

An alarmed look flashes over Anne’s face, she takes hold of both of her arms and looks her up and down, as though trying to locate an injury. ‘’You’re hurt? Where? What happened?’’

No, she thinks. It’s all wrong, she’s got it all wrong. ‘’It’s not…’’ she’s desperately trying to find the right words but she’s acutely aware of the deep throbbing ache between her legs and of how much her face is burning.

‘’Anne, it’s not like that, it’s…’’ Her hips jerk involuntarily against Anne’s and suddenly Anne’s expression changes. Slowly, comprehension dawns on her face and her eyes are suddenly full of understanding and something else which Ann thinks might be pity.

‘’Oh, Ann…’’ Anne says softly as she pushes a few stray hairs back behind her ear. ‘’You’re aching?’’ she asks. ‘’Between your legs?’’

Ann could’ve cried, she was so grateful Anne had understood without having to tell her outright. Her face was still burning and she knew she must be bright red but she found that she didn’t care for Anne’s hands were still on her buttocks, grabbing hold more firmly now and the throbbing between her legs was as strong as ever.

She nods shakily. ‘’Anne, it hurts’’ She cringes at how pathetic she sounds but Anne evidently does not think anything of the sort because she’s smiling now. A wicked sort of smile that usually tells Ann they won’t be leaving their bed any time soon.

Anne takes her face between forefinger and thumb so she can look at her properly. ‘’Are you sure this is what you want, Ann?’’ She’s nodding before Anne has even finished her sentence. ‘’Yes’’ she breathes. ‘’Yes, Anne. I need this, please, please. It hurts’’

Instantly one of Anne’s legs shoots upwards to connect with Ann’s centre. She lets out a loud gasp, her head fall forward onto Anne’s shoulder and she can feel her smiling in to her hair. The pressure makes her feel dizzy, her hips grind down, trying to find the friction she needs but Anne is already pulling away. She whines, loudly, obscenely. But she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care that the servants might hear her, all she cares is about is Anne taking care of the persistent burning ache between her thighs.

In one swift pull, her nightgown comes off over her head, in an instant Anne’s mouth is on her, first her neck, then her chest and finally her breasts. She moans as Anne’s mouth closes around a hard nipple, her tongue sliding over it, her free hand palming her other breast. She takes hold of the back of Anne’s head, not knowing if she wants to pull her closer or if she wants to push her head down so she’ll take her clitoris in her mouth and suck on that instead.

As though she read, Anne lets go of her nipple with a pop and starts kissing her way down Ann’s body. Wet kisses litter Ann’s stomach and she’s writhing around on the bed as though it’s made of burning coals. When Anne presses the first kiss to her golden curls, she gasps and her hips snap up sharply. Anne pushes her down with both hands, giving her a reproving look.

‘’Be a good girl now’’ her voice is low and dangerous. Ann wants to say something but her words are drowned by the moan that follows as Anne lets her fingers slide through the thick wetness that’s gathered at the apex of her thighs. She’s been wound up for so long, it doesn’t even take a full minute. She should be embarrassed but Anne’s fingers are right where she wants them, her eyes are screwed shut and her orgasm is so close she can almost taste it.

She feels her muscles tighten around nothing and Anne knows, Anne knows, she knows her far too well. She tries desperately to clamp her thighs together, just to get a little closer. But then Anne is gone and there is nothing to grasp, nothing to ride against. She hears Anne laugh as she watches her hips grinding up against nothing.

She groans loudly. Anne is going to make her work for this one.

***

She has never been this wet before. Her wetness was smeared on the insides of thighs, as well as on all places where Anne had rested her hands. It stuck to her stomach and breasts and she could feel it dripping down on to the sheets beneath her. The smell of sex clung to her like perfume, it was dirty, it shouldn’t have felt so right, but it did. It was heaven, Ann decided.

It was too much and yet, not enough. She felt like she was mere seconds away from exploding, but it never came. Anne kept bringing her to edge, only to pull away before she got there. She didn’t know why Anne liked it so much, all she knew was that every time Anne pulled away at the last second, she would watch her struggle and cry with a delighted smile on her face. She’d call her beautiful and tell her to be good. She didn’t really need to, of course Ann would be good. She didn’t even have to be tied down. Ann stayed perfectly still, even if it pained her to do so.

Anne was busy between her legs, licking long, broad strokes up and down her clitoris. She could feel her orgasm coming, she could feel it stirring in her lower belly, ready to claw itself out of her. She grasped at Anne’s hands, willing her to stay, to finally let her finish. She didn’t. Of course she didn’t. Doing this to Ann was perhaps her favourite pastime. Ann knew she revelled in seeing her like this.

Her legs shook, she groaned and then she let out a high pitched whine that made Anne laugh. She could feel the tears prickling in her eyes as she looked down, Anne’s head was resting on her thigh and she was looking at her with a look of wonder.

‘’You’re so beautiful when you’re like this Ann.’’ She whispered. “There’s an animal inside you, my darling. I want to see it’’ She wanted to ask Anne what she meant with that but Anne’s attention had moved back to the apex of her thighs.

“You are so ready, aren't you, my love?” Anne asks.  She slips two fingers inside her and Anne feels her muscles tighten around them, already poised to fall apart, just from that. “You could come, if I just moved, couldn't you? If I only moved... just a little...” Her voice is low and full of promise, but her hand is still.

Ann bites her lip hard she wants to cant her hips, swallow those fingers and close down around them. A high pitched whine escapes her, but she stays still with an intense effort of will, the muscles in her abdomen straining. ‘’Perfect’’ she hears Anne say, but it’s as though she’s miles away.

Tears are streaming down her cheeks freely now, when Anne notices she moves upwards to kiss her. ‘’It’s alright my darling’’ she coos softly ‘’You’ve been such a good girl, my love.’’

Ann lets out a sob. ‘’It hurts, Anne. Make it go away, please, make it stop’’

She can feel Anne’s smile against her cheek. ‘’Anything for you, my darling’’

With one last kiss to her tear stained cheeks, Anne settles between her thighs once more, the tension building in her stomach is almost unbearable.

Anne slips two fingers into her and presses upward, whilst leaning in to rest the flat of her tongue against her clitoris – and oh, it's enough, her body does all the work, she couldn’t have stopped it, even if she had tried. Her body clamps down on Anne’s fingers, milking the orgasm out of herself. She feels like the whole world is crashing down with her, it’s like a volcano is erupting inside her body. Her hips are jerking madly and she’s wailing, but she doesn’t care. All she cares about is that her ache is finally unravelling. She can hear Anne’s laugh somewhere in the distance, it’s not cruel or mocking, but delighted. Ann supposes this is what Anne meant when she told her she had an animal inside her.

***

‘’I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to’’ Anne says softly. ‘’I never want you to feel like you have an obligation to me’’

They were laying side by side in bed, the covers pulled over them for warmth. Anne had blown out the candles, what felt like hours ago. For a while they had lain there not talking, but Ann could tell this had weighed heavily on Anne, even if she would never admit it.

‘’I know’’ Ann whispers into the darkness. ‘’You’re not him’’ she reaches out to take Anne’s hand in her own. ‘’I know you’d never force me to do anything, Anne’’

She can feel a kiss being pressed to her hand. ‘’It took you a long time to come to me’’ Anne says.

Ann feels the colour rise in her cheeks and is suddenly grateful that Anne can’t see her. ‘’I’m not brave like you’’

That makes Anne laugh. ‘’I think you’re braver than anyone, even you yourself, gives you credit for’’ she brushes Ann’s hair away from her shoulder so she can press a kiss to it. ‘’You only have to ask, Ann. You know I’ll try to give it to you, whatever it is.’’

Ann considers this for a moment. ‘’What if I ask you to stay with me forever?’’ she says in a small voice, screwing her eyes shut, preparing to hear Anne’s excuses. But they never come. Instead she feels Anne smile against her shoulder.

‘’Nothing in the world could take me away from you, my Ann. Nothing and no one but God himself.’’ Anne sits up and even though she can hardly make out her shape in the darkness she knows Anne’s face so well by now it’s almost as though she can make out the expression on her face as she looks down at her.

‘’Until death do us part. Then and only then, will I go. Nothing else could take me away from you, my love’’

Anne leans in to kiss her and like so often Ann can tell she’s trying to put all the words she can’t speak into the kiss, Ann loves her for that. Even though she can’t always say what she feels, she tries to show her, she always tries to show her.

They lie down together, for it is far too late and they ought to be asleep already.

Lying there, her head on Anne’s chest and her arms wrapped around her, listening to her heartbeat, she wonders how long it will be until it stops altogether.

‘’Until death do us part’’

That night she silently prays to God that he won’t take Anne away from her, not until she’s gone herself, or until they’re both old and grey.

He wouldn’t be that cruel, Ann thinks as she feels herself falling asleep. Anne will be there, forever and ever. Like Stardust, she thinks dully. Always out there, somewhere. And somehow that’s a comfort to her.

[elizabethnotbennet]

@fandomaestheticnet‘s family event: The Ann(e)s

[lucyflawless]

Gentleman Jack - Ann Walker

1x03 vs 2x03