#but your ideas are. you're exposing your way of thinking to someone for their judgement

[dropitpunk]

luca and carmen berzatto both being into you

luca x fem reader x carmen berzatto

cw: threesome (they tag team you), dubcon if you squint, sub!reader, degradation, creampie, dirty talk, vaginal sex, anal sex and rimming, oral, manhandling, rough sex, crying during the act.

sequel to this. i recommend you to read it first!

a finger was now finding the way under your shirt, slow and teasing.

"we will have to wait until someone finds us." carmen leaned in and whispered playfully in your ear.

"what do you mean? do you... do you not have your phone with you?" you asked meekly, feeling luca's hands creeping under your shirt and caressing your waist. carmen smiled at you, clear amusement covered his whole face.

"why would i have it? we were just cleaning, pretty thing." carmen said in a condescending way. deep down you knew it wasn't a good reason, but you were getting confused with how strong his perfume was up close, a mix of cigarettes, sweat and just pure man.

"but... what are we gonna do?" you were suddenly feeling shy under the attention from the two men. luca stopped his hands just under your breasts, looking at carmen before answering into your neck.

"i have a few ideas, baby." luca kissed the back of your neck softly, barely there. your body shivered and you gulped, looking clueless at carmen who just brought a hand to your cheeks. "and i'm sure i'm not the only one with them."

"d'you wanna stay here with us?" carmen kissed your forehead gently as luca peppered your neck with wet kisses, breathing heavily in your ear. you didn't consider there could be a choice until now, and your mind couldn't process an answer with how hot you were feeling.

"hmm?" luca pressed, rubbing his growing erection into your ass and making you moan against carmen's hand. you nodded quickly and eager, lust clouding any possible judgement.

carmen's lips brushed against yours while luca kept humping you through your clothes, hands finding your breasts and holding you tight to his body.

"i guess you do." carmen kissed you with roughness and lack of care, his lips chapped but soft against yours. his tongue explored your mouth messily, a visible display of dominance when combined with the strong hand holding your face in place by your neck. the other was caressing your hair, grabbing it with force enough to make you whine in little pain.

luca's hands went under your bra, teasing your nipples with the tip of his fingers while carmen kissed you, letting one of his hands go to your ass and squeeze, slapping the back of your thighs with a smirk against your mouth. you moaned, trying to make sense of the situation, overwhelmed with sensations.

they were everywhere, swallowing you and doing whatever they wanted.

your pussy was so wet you were sure they could feel it over your clothes, throbbing against carmen's clothed cock that stimulated you just right when he bucked his hips.

"i can't believe you're this horny from being groped by two men in this fucking closet." luca laughed against your skin, he sounded so mean to your ears your pussy clenched around nothing, whining against carmen's lips.

a string of saliva connected you and carmen when he pulled away, he smiled at how shiny your eyes looked and how swollen your lips were. he pecked your lips and kissed your cheeks, whispering to you, "probably would've liked more men in here, fucking slut."

"no, carmy." you whined and you couldn't recognize your own voice, so high pitched and needy. luca scoffed, pinching your nipples as if he was punishing you.

"you answer him but not me?" luca said annoyed and unclasped your bra, carmen helped him out and took off your shirt quickly.

you were exposed, and before you could think about covering your breasts with your hands you were being turned around, now facing luca and his furrowed eyebrows.

luca didn't get angry at you often, always so sweet and gentle with you, but you couldn't be more turned on from how possessive he looked. his gaze was burning your skin.

"thanks, man, this is all for me now." carmen winked at luca and he rolled his eyes, mouth finding your sensitive nipples and twirling his tongue around one nub, the other being roughly handled by his hands. his fingers could cover your whole breasts by how big they were.

carmen's fingers went and came from caressing your back and your waist, back to massaging your shoulders and neck. he continued for a few seconds before tugging at your pants, playing with the buttons before kissing the top of your head.

"i just have to know how wet you are first. i bet you are dripping, you sound so fucking horny, baby." you moaned in response and he slid a hand under your pants, rubbing you over your panties. your hips bucked against his fingers, trying to get any contact possible.

your panties were ruined, barely any fabric left to cover your pussy from his touch. carmen smirked and pressed his thumb against your clit, your ass rubbing against his groin. luca grazed his teeth over your nipples just to bring your attention back to him, kissing down your belly and stopping just before carmen's hands were.

"you wanna see?" you let a confused sound and then realized carmen was not talking to you when luca nodded against your chest. you felt two fingers going under your panties and sliding against your slit, collecting the wetness there and leaving just as you were starting to hump his hand.

"look at this, fucking soaked. just from a little kissing and touching." carmen held his fingers up to luca and you felt your face burn, an embarrassed noise letting your throat and making luca chuckle.

"i don't even think she can handle us both, being this weak." luca said and carmen brought his own fingers to his mouth, tasting you and humming with delight. "we gon' have to keep her still so she can take it."

luca took your pants and underwear off in one go, holding your arms so you could step off them without falling into carmen. you were completely exposed to their predatory eyes, feeling conscious of how luca and carmen were still completely clothed.

you felt dirty, it felt good.

"real gorgeous, baby," carmen said against your skin as he got down on his knees, hands grabbing your waist. you couldn't see, but the look in his eyes was full of devotion, ready to give it all to you. he kissed your ass cheeks, resting his forehead against you and breathing heavily.

"you smell so good," luca whispered and kissed your belly button, groaning when he caught sight of your pussy, glistening with wetness and all puffy from carmen's touch. he kissed your knees and two strong hands separated your legs as he bit and licked your inner thighs.

carmen held your ass cheeks apart, biting the skin softly and slowly bringing his tongue to your hole. you jumped, the feeling foreign but welcomed.

"never had your ass played with before? gon' have to prep you before i fuck you here, baby." carmen smiled teasingly and luca chuckled, amused at your gasps and sighs and how your body tensed at carmen's words.

luca lapped all the wetness from your inner thighs, giving your pussy a little kiss before licking your slit, groaning into your cunt with hunger.

they were synchronized when they found your most sensitive spots, sucking and licking you like two starved men in a competition. your legs turned into jelly and you were sure you would have fallen if their grip wasn't so tight.

carmen bent you a bit more so he could stuff his tongue into you as he grabbed your ass, saliva dripping from his chin and making a mess in your thighs.

your hands were holding onto luca's hair for dear life as he sucked your clit, the slurping sounds loud and embarrassing to your ears but quickly getting overhead by your moans and curse words.

"pussy so good, carmen, you need to have it later," luca took a breath to glance at carmen, half of his face covered in your juices. "wet and so fucking sloppy just how i like it."

"her ass is so tight, think you gon' have to keep her mouth shut or she gon' scream this whole place down when i'm fucking it. isn't it right, baby?" carmen said like you were too dumb to understand, and he seemed right when you just whined in agreement, tongue too heavy in your mouth and jaw slack.

luca suddenly stuffed two fingers into you, sliding them in just easy from how soaked you were. carmen took a hint to do the same, sucking one finger and entering your ass, pumping it slowly and carefully to not make it hurt so much.

luca reached up and grabbed your breasts for support, tongue working along with his fingers to make you a moaning mess. you clenched around carmen's finger, your hand slamming the wall beside you to equilibrate.

"she's gonna be too busy trying to take my cock into her pussy to care about you, carmys." that seemed to irritate carmen, as he brought another finger to your ass much more harsh, the tight skin around it burning and stretching to accommodate the thickness of his digits.

luca moved quicker, fingers leaving and entering your cunt in a fast pace, the tips were reaching your sweet spot in a way only a experienced man could. you could swear you were seeing stars, eyes pitch black and head dizzy. your head was spinning and your stomach was so tight you didn't know if you were gonna cum or faint. or all at the same time.

"sweetheart is gonna cum." carmen cooed at you and spit into your asshole, finding the pace that brought you the most pleasure.

his tongue joined his fingers and you were gone, coming hard around luca's fingers and on his mouth. you felt like you were gonna pass out, seeing black for a few seconds and only feeling your high.

luca drank up all your wetness with thirst, making you try to get away from his mouth, overstimulated. carmen held you in place, his tongue even far into you as you kept rolling your hips in hope of stop being touched.

you cried out, "too much."

they pretended to not hear and luca only stopped when he looked up and saw tears running down your face, stopping licking your pussy and bringing two hands to your face.

"baby, why are you crying already? you forgot you still have to take our cocks? so cute." luca cooed at you and pinched your checks, pecking your mouth a couple times.

carmen stood up before giving your ass a gentle slap, kissing the back of your head.

carmen held your chin to his face now, kissing your lips and looking at luca before smiling and saying, "i don't think she understood you. she's got a dumb look in her eyes."

"such a cute fucktoy. the cutest really," luca said against your neck, unbuckling his belt with one hand, tatted arm holding your waist firmly. luca rubbed his cock against you still with his boxers on, teasing you a little.

on the other hand, carmen put his pants down quickly, just enough for his dick to spring free, hitting your ass in the process. he kissed behind your ear, smiling at your sobbing, more tears running down your face.

"just fuck me, please, please..." you didn't know at who you were directing your pleads. it could be to any of them, and it was to both at the same time.

"you gon' learn to appreciate me more. you think carmen is gonna go easy on your virgin little hole? i'm just gonna destroy you a little, pretty. it's not even gonna hurt." luca smiled down at you and you shivered, holding onto his arms and throwing your head back. his blond hair was messy, and his skin was sweating, cheeks slightly flushed with the heat.

you could feel carmen's curls tickling your skin as he laughed, rubbing his cock against your entrance. the hole clenched around nothing, copious amounts of saliva coating his tip when he slowly entered you, just the tip resting in you.

you gasped, feeling it burn. carmen was thick, more than any partner you've ever been with, and feeling him a way you've never felt anyone before was overwhelming.

your glassed eyes looked for luca for support when carmen let more spit coat his dick and thrusted into you with full force, your whole body burning with the sensation. it was a pleasurable pain, just enough to make you wince but throw your ass back to him. luca just smirked, watching you struggling to take it all.

you were gasping for air, but luca didn't let you look back to carmen as he took your mouth in his, covering your noises with his tongue.

"i told you you'd have to shut her up." carmen chuckled and caressed your waist, being merciful as he let you accommodate to his size. his white shirt was almost see through with how much you were sweating, wrinkled from your touch.

you were too distracted to see luca freeing his painfully hard cock from his boxers, but you surely felt his full length sliding into your pussy in one movement. he gasped, he didn't really mean to but you were just so wet his hips lost control. you moaned loud against his mouth.

"i'm too full..." your eyes rolled back and you could feel your orgasm approaching just from feeling them inside you. you were aching, ass and pussy stuffed so full you couldn't even move.

"hold on tight, baby." carmen kissed your hair and started moving with caution, stretching you up in a way you didn't thought it was possible. while carmen was thicker, luca was longer, reaching a deep spot inside of you.

carmen was groaning in your ear every time he moved, the tightness around his dick too much to take. he held his shirt up and watched it disappear into your ass inch by inch, throwing his head back in pleasure.

"i can feel him inside you too. i guess it's the first time we are getting along." luca laughed and whispered against your face. he started to thrust into you, holding your leg up so he could find your g-spot quicker. the angle made carmen come closer to you, sturdy chest pressed against your back.

they found a rhythm that seemed to work for all three, using you for their pleasure, bending you and moving your limbs as they liked. strong bodies held you in place, their cocks going in and out of you at a rough pace.

luca's heavy balls slapped against your pussy and he moaned with his face in your neck, kissing you and making you move by his strong hands in your waist.

carmen embraced your upper body and whined while rubbing his curls in your shoulder, back hugging you in a rather sweet act. much different from how rough he was fucking your ass, from how hoarse his voice was from spilling obscenities to you over and over.

"gonna come in your ass, baby." carmen struggled to say as his balls were tightening and you clenched around them, saliva pooling in your mouth and running down your chin.

your face was covered in tears, eyes all red and swollen from how much you were crying. it was too good, too much all at once. you could barely take it.

"you gonna have to suck my cock clean from how much cum i'm gonna give you." luca groaned, almost delirious with your pussy squeezing him so well.

your belly clenched and you couldn't breathe, reaching the strongest orgasm you've ever had around their cocks. you couldn't see or hear anything for a moment, just how good you were feeling. your head was resting against carmen's unconsciously and your hand was holding luca's, trying to find support.

they kissed you through it wherever they could reach, coming at the same time. your ass and pussy were full of cum, mostly dripping from your inner thighs and ass to the floor, making a mess around you.

you were all warm, slowly coming back from your high. luca looked attentive at you, although breathless and visibly shaken. carmen rested his forehead against your shoulder, eyes closed and arms still around you, hold even more intense now.

"you okay?" carmen was the first one to talk after minutes of recovering, voice sweet and with sincere concern.

"yeah, i'm good." you said, body still spasming. a gentle kiss was placed on your lips from luca, and two on your cheeks.

"then we can switch places." carmen smiled wickedly and winked at luca, who smirked and nodded.

they were finally getting to know each other.

a/n: thank you for the response on the first part, it encouraged me lots. i would really appreciate it if you shared your thoughts on this one!

[mejomonster]

I may post a bunch about authoritarian thinking later, and how to combat it, but some short important points for anyone: if you think like an authoritarian it means you tend to think in terms of black/white, tend to obey and believe people you consider your leaders and tend to view the world as your own in-group and then outgroups (which you may want dead/not care what happens to them/hate them), you struggle to think critically and empathize, and ignoring the many ways this authoritarian thinking hurts society at large and yourself - importantly, authoritarian thinking leaves you EXTREMELY vulnerable to con artists and cruel leaders because once someone gets into a leadership position in your in-group you tend to trust and obey them. Even if they hurt you, abuse you, lie to you. So a big reason to work on changing your own authoritarian thinking, is to HELP YOU PROTECT YOURSELF and IMPROVE your own safety and situation. You will be able to spot con artists and abusers easier, and protect yourself from them hurting you, if you work on changing your authoritarian thinking a bit. In addition, if you care about your in-group (the group of people you identify with) and your in-group views you as part of it (for example: you're in-group is a church and the church members value your partocipation), then you learning to think in more flexible ways will allow you to both save yourself from abusers AND convince your in-group to stop following an abusive leader and switch to a better one for the group. Win win.

Key ways you can work on your own tendencies toward authoritarian thinking: learn how to empathize with various people, learn how to think critically, and expose yourself to a variety of enviornments/viewpoints/experiences.

For empathy, easy ways to start include: get a pet and practice caring about that pet, read books and practice caring about a character, volunteer in a place outside your in-group (so if you go to church, volunteer at a school or library or theater or fair or daycare or soup kitchen) and practice appreciating the process of helping people outside the in-group. Getting a pet and reading can be some of the easiest initial things you can do. Trying to make new friends and acquaintances with people outside your in-group may also help: talking to a child, coworker, classmate, stramger at grocery store or fair, with respect (such as asking what their favorite toy or show is, why, practicing caring about what makes them happy, practicing interacting with people even when you don't immediately get some tangible thing from them), practice talking with people without arguing or starting a conflict (and if they argue first, it's okay to leave the conversation entirely, at least for a while just try practicing Not Fighting sometimes). Practice listening to people to get to know them (including people in your in-group you may not know well), and be curious about their experiences and the differences/similarity to you as all interesting and not necessarily bad or good (so if you went to public school and they went to private school, hold off on making a judgement about it and just be curious about what their experience was like). On a more surface level, if people like a different musician or actor than you, be curious about what they like and try to imagine why someone might appreciate what they do (you don't have to like that band too, but practice trying to understand why someone else likes it). Its the idea of "imagine you were in someone else's shoes," and having pets, reading about characters unlike you, and getting to know people and their unique experiences helps you practice doing that. Along with practicing holding off on judgement, especially on simple basic things to start: for example trying not to jump to black/white good bad thinking over what people in your group and outside it do... in terms of say what they eat, or the music they like, or their clothes. So if you tend to decide everyone who doesnt go to your church is evil, practice maybe viewing a person with the same religion as you but who goes to a different church as neutral and someone who maybe just never knew your church existed or was raised in a different city and so their life experience may simply have been different - but that doesnt automatically make them evil, just for being born in a different city and not knowing about your specific church existing yet.

To expose yourself to more experiences and people: again consider volunteering at an event outside of your in-group, start a new hobby and join a new discord or fandom group or in-person meet up, go to a new bar or coffee place or grocery store and have small talk, take a class in the community, go to fairs and community events, go to an event in a nearby but different community (like a fair in the next county, a concert, a play you'd like to see). Any new hobby or interest that allows you to meet new people and ask them about their experience with the hobby/interest will help, and you'll help them as you share your own experiences. Even just the act of exploring new possible interests will help you, as you will not have a judgement yet on what you like/dislike and will get to practice deciding what parts of the interest you enjoy and don't based on your experiences. So experience new things, and listen to other people's experiences while being open to letting yourself enjoy things others may dislike, and letting yourseld dislike things others may like. Practice listening to others without automatically assuming their opinion/experience is good/bad (or that there is a good/bad at all, preference for cheeze pizza versus pepperoni can just be two neutral choices which are both fine) or going to be the same for you (you may feel much differently than others and thats fine), practice trying new things where you're allowed to try multiple different ways without any way being particularly good/bad (this is to practice thinking in more varied ways: you're allowed to make 3 different cookie recipes and find each of them yummy and yet not perfect, you're allowed to dislike all 3 recipes but appreciate that your friend loves recipe 1 so you may make it for their birthday, you're allowed to fail the 3 recipes and need to try a few times, you're allowed to make them and decide you don't like making cookies after all and would rather try making a cake next). Trying sports teams may help, hobby clubs, board game tournaments, book clubs (where people have various opinions and you - like them - may have your own unique opinion all of which is fine, no opinion is mandatory or restricted).

To develop critical thinking skills: the two parts above will help somewhat with that. Just letting yourself experience new things, meet new people and hear about experiences different than your own, practicing wondering why someone likes something you may not, practicing liking something because YOU like it after experiencing it and not because someone told you to like it, will all help you figure out what you SPECIFICALLY think. And it will help you recognize that other people all think uniquely, may sometimes disagree, and that thinking differently can be okay. Those are some helpful initial steps to learn to think critically.

Critical thinking skills are important because it helps you figure out what is a fact and real, what is a person's opinion which may be right or wrong or only partly right or wrong or may be something you can't detetmine, how to check if a fact is something you can make decisions with or not explained well enough to rely on. Critical thinking is how you help yourself: if you are abused and your lover hits and punches you, and says "I love you and care about you," critical thinking will help you recognize the fact: you are being injured, help you recognize the actions your lover does of hurting you doesn't match their words that they love you, and helps you make a decision to help yourself - to leave the location where your lover is harming you over and over and go somewhere you are safer and not in danger. Critical thinking, even if you love being in an in-group and love following leadership, will allow you to notice when leaders and in-group members genuinely are helping the group, and when leaders or members are hurting the group. This can allow you to help the group and yourself by recognizing when the group has someone harming others and help you determine how to stop that harm. Even if you think very authoritarian and like that kind of structure in your life, critical thinking skills will help you and those you love.

You can start by figuring out how to make a decision on some basic thing. For example: prepare for the weather today in your city. Look up weather your-city in google, click some weather sites (to check collected data), go outside of your front door and physically feel the weather (data you collect yourself), text a friend who lives somewhere else and ask them what the weather is in your city - and ask them not to check the weather report (get an opinion), perhaps also ask your roommate what the weather is (an opinion from someone with the same ability to literally look outside the window and get their own data in person). From this experience you'll learn that data from a collected organization is probably fairly accurate but not perfect (maybe the weather site said 90% chance rain and when you went outside it was sprinkling but not pouring, and the clouds were dark), maybe your friend's opinion in another town was right or wrong (maybe they guessed and rain was a good guess for a cloudy November in your state) but they couldn't tell you how long until the weather would change, you went outside yourself and that was fairly reliable as you could literally feel the weather (but it cant help you decide if it will still be raining in 8 hours), maybe your roommate's weather judgement was better than the friend in another town but worse than your own judgement of going outside and feeling it. This is an experience to show you how useful facts are versus opinions. If you go outside and it rains on you, it is a fact that it is raining. If your friend in another city says they think the rain stopped, it's their opinion and they may be right Or wrong... you'll have to go outside to find out. The weather report site is somewhat right and can give you estimates of the next several hours of weather so that's helpful, but isn't giving you updates as specific as actually standing outside in the weather on your particular block. You can now see how facts and opinipns are useful, and when they are more or less reliable for making a decision to help yourself. (In this case to prepare to deal with the weathet outside).

Next you can practice critical thinking with less simple questions. You can try to decide "what is the best tires to get for my SUV" or "what coverup will be least likely to give me acne"? You'll look up on google these questions, and see company sites marketing their product and claiming theirs is best. You'll notice a company always says THEIR product is the best, and learn that a company may not give you facts as often as NON company sites that compare many products, or that a company will word facts in a way to imply something that isn't necessarily true. (For example: if a makeup clogs pores, it may not say it does that, it may just not use the word "non comedogenic"... but since you aren't seeing the word "non comdegenic" which means not-pore-clogging, that's a sign the makeup May actually clog pores). You will notice review sites, and reviewers with NO sponsors will tend to be more honest and share personal experience, while sponsored reviews may only mention positives. You will notice more fact based comparison sites, which will list ingredients and what each ingredient does, which will be facts to help you make a decision on which makeup is least likely to give you acne.

You may read articles on certain makeup ingredients and if they're a common allergen, which might explain why some makeup with some ingredients caused you acne before even though none of the ingredients were pore clogging. You are practicing comparing facts, and practicing deciding which sources are reliable or biased (biased sources try to convince you to buy something/believe something), what the bias is about (many articles want you to buy something even though you don't Truly need to buy everything), which reviewers gave biased opinions (if theyre sponsored they get money to convince you to buy something), which reviewers gave personal experiences (and are those experiences useful to you - did the reviewer have similar skin type and issues and allergies?). These are important skills! Learning to do this will help you spend money on things that are more likely to HELP you, to be what you want, and this skill will help you avoid scams and avoid being tricked.

Critical thinking gets much deeper than this, and applies to everything you run into in life - all news articles have biases (they want to convince you of something, there's facts AND opinions and attempts to convince you to do something), all ads are like this (every sponsored post on instagram is trying to convince you to believe and/or buy something), all influencers posts (their job is to convince you to buy products from companies paying the influencer, to get you to invest money in the influencer too - every podcaster/twitch streamer/youtuber/etc), books. All stuff you can find in the world is fact, opinion, some mixture, someone trying to convince you of something, and you using your own experiences to get your own facts (example: its raining on your face when you go outside so fact: its raining) and to decide your own opinions (opinion might be: you like feeling the rain, so you choose not to bring an umbrella, but your lover hates rain so they choose to bring an umbrella for themselves). You use all that information to decide what is fact, what is others opinion and are they trying to convince you of something, what your opinion is, and what to do that will help you.

Here's more information on developing critical thinking skills:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernardmarr/2022/08/05/13-easy-steps-to-improve-your-critical-thinking-skills/ (this has good basic tips for things you can do daily)

https://www.criticalthinking.org/pages/critical-thinking-where-to-begin/796 (a big website on critical thinking)

https://www.monash.edu/student-academic-success/enhance-your-thinking/critical-thinking/what-is-critical-thinking (this has good step by step instructions on how to start to think critically and practice in depth)

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

The whole DNI banner thing in general feels very new and sad to me. Just so emblematic of the culture of trying to force everyone else to cater to the online experience you want, instead of tailoring your experience for yourself. It's one thing to expect people not to be hateful or mean in your notes, and another entirely to restrict the people you're willing to interact with to the ones you don't think are "degenerate".

Depending on how you define "shipping", I've always "shipped" Destiel and never "shipped" Wincest, but I've always enjoyed reading Wincest and Daddycest content. Specifically the darker stuff (my first big favorite spn fic was "Sins of the Innocent" by reapertownusa). I'm just not sure what, exactly, the folks who don't want to interact with "Wincesties" are afraid of. We're all just, like, regular people, and the world out there kinda thinks that *all* shippers are freaks, anyway.

As far as I can tell, and I realize that the situation will not be the same for everyone, there's this need to shun people who are deemed to be degenerates (as you said). Liking Wincest is definitely taken as a sign of real life moral failing.

Once again, I do want to stress that while I don't ship it, I have nothing against Destiel as a ship. When I first got into this fandom I read a lot of of everything and that's how I learned what worked for me and what didn't. That was in 2015 and I remember being more embarrassed about liking a ship at all than I was about being more drawn to the idea of Sam and Dean together than I was towards Dean and Castiel. So it took me a long time before I just embraced it. During that time I've seen the shift in the shipping wars, the imposed battle for morality that some seem to think that they are fighting. And I've seen it mirror the outside world's steady slide into authoritarianism.

These DNIs are not really important in the grand scheme of things, I'm a respectful person (no matter what kind of shit I may spew when I get frustrated here) and I wouldn't ever knowingly push my ship, or anything else, onto someone who made it clear they didn't want it. I even double check blogs that I reblog from (or whose gifs I add to my own posts) before adding even a wincest tag to a post, to do my best to avoid upsetting anyone. I've been yelled at too many times and generally prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict.

And that's just it, if these blogs listed that Wincest squicked them, I would do all of this to avoid upsetting them, and still be able to share this space with them. But I don't think it's just about them not being exposed to Wincest, that's part of it for sure, but it's also about them not wanting to share this space with me. They don't want me in their space at all because they have made a personal judgement against me based on the flavor of fiction that I enjoy being an idiot about on this dumpster fire of a website.

It's that I see so many posts that have nothing to do with Destiel being tagged with it which feels like another way of setting up a fence between them and those of us they think need to stay away from them. These DNIs feel like giant no trespassing signs, the really over the top ones that tell you exactly what kind of gun they'll shoot you with if you don't obey the sign. And I guess that I just expect more from tumblrinas because I assumed that we better understand what it feels like to be judged and excluded. But really, people are people, and sometimes people are scared, reactionary, assholes, even here.

[sorin-sunchild]

How can you be so smart about trans stuff and so stupid about shipping stuff please please I;m begging you I'm a minor and I want to feel safe on the internet please become an anti and support my protection I love your other stuff

With all respect, I'm smart about a lot of stuff. Or maybe I'm stupid about it all. But that's not nearly the most concerning thing here in fact I'm not even mad.

There's a lot to unpack here.

Why do you feel unsafe online? Is it because of 'proshippers' or is it because antishippers have told you to feel unsafe?

Let's go further.

I'm going to assume you're familiar with the idea of propaganda. You have been taken by it. You are a minor, I won't guess what age, but let's say you are quite young, 14-15.

Like all minors (well, everyone, but minors especially) you want to belong to a community. A community which is 'good' because that means you're good too. You're not wrong to want that.

But do you feel afraid of other antis, sometimes? Afraid they'll find something you like 'problematic' and deem you not one of them? Do you find yourself doing things to indicate that you are still 'one of the good ones' even if you appear to enjoy things the 'bad ones' do? Do you see members of your group being suddenly cast out and read post after post justifying this happening - and you don't question this judgement because you don't want to be cast out too?

How about this - do you have a hard time keeping up with what you're 'supposed to like' and 'not supposed to like' and do you question why things are categorised like that or just accept the 'bad things' are inherently harmful because others say they are?

Do you harass people? Or do you at least stand by and let others in your community (antis) harass others even if you think it's kind of shitty because again you don't want to be seen as going against the group? Are you suicide-baiting, accusing victims of enjoying their abuse based on their fictional exploration of the event their brains have a hard time processing (due to trauma), or judging their coping? Are you fine being in a community that does these things? Why are they still 'good' then? Is it because you've already dehumanised people based on their taste in fiction, or stance on censorship?

You're not supposed to feel afraid of the group you're in, by the way. That's not normal. You're not supposed to feel the need to repeatedly prove yourself.

Do you judge people if they label themselves proship without seeing what they are like as people? Do you feel afraid that if someone proship should reblog your posts or talk to you and you don't go against them, other antis will see you as 'one of the bad ones' and outcast you?

Again that's not normal. You're living in fear for no reason.

Have you found yourself trusting adults without question simply because they say they're 'antis' and say what you've been taught are the 'right things' the 'smart things'?

The presence of media which upsets you and makes you uncomfortable is not the reason you could be unsafe online. People labelling themselves as proshippers isn't the reason you could be unsafe online.

The thing which makes you unsafe online is an inability to moderate (not censor!) your experience, lack of encouragement to think critically, endless propaganda to disarm you and keep you in place and actual groomers who aren't always going to label themselves as things you've been taught are 'red flags'. Many times they will label themselves the way you label yourself. You have to recognise the actual behaviour of harm.

Me thinking that people should be able to indulge in fictional dark topics, so long as they tag and warn for people to avoid and don't intentionally expose people who dislike it to it, and that sites should allow various forms of moderation for this express purpose, doesn't make me unsafe to you.

I have no interest in emotionally harming you in any way (I mean, I also don't have any 'dark' ships but that's another story...) by exposing you to things you find uncomfortable. Most people who think like me don't. The ones who do, aren't doing it because they're 'proshippers' that's a meaningless label in the end, they're doing it because they want to and would do it even if the label proship/per hadn't been invented.

You are safe online so long as you moderate your experience, recognise signs of grooming and learn to take everything everyone says with a pinch of salt. Do your own research. Question what you're being told is good or bad inherently. Learn nuance and grey areas.

And for the love of all you hold dear, learn that fiction and reality do not match up 1:1. People have told stories which contain violence, murder, sexual assault including of a minor, incest and other such things for hundreds of years. Still not made them all legally and morally acceptable. I don't think it's happening just because people ship SansxFrisk or LokixThor or something. (Sorry I'm out of touch I don't know modern 'problematic' ships).

[poleodrops]

TW: venting about CSA

Oh look, my trauma turned 18! I've carried this burden three times the amount of time I got to live as an untouched child. I still see you at the edge of the bed, at the edge of the bathtub. I see you everytime someone seems interested in me, in the way their eyes light up like yours did. I see you everytime I face a camera. I hope you feel even a tenth of the shame I carry with me everyday. I hope you remember me and flinch the same way I do when I remember you. You stole a part of me, and I hope you can feel her inside you, crying and screaming and kicking and begging. I hope she doesn't let you sleep. I hope you live in fear. I hope you go through life terrified at the idea that someone will uncover your dirty little secret. I hope everytime an abuser gets exposed on tv you panic, thinking you'll be the next one. I hope you're next. I hope they find the video of me you probably still enjoy at night, and throw you in prison. I hope you see the judgement and the disgust in most people's eyes, I hope you get attacked, I hope you spend the rest of your days walking on eggshells because of your own actions. I really fucking hope you rot the same way I've been doing for these past 18 years.

[madseance]

(This is just a heads-up for anyone who doesn't like to see discourse or bickering and wants to tap out.)

I'm commenting on this, perhaps unwisely, because the preceding comment just does not make sense to me. I mean, I get what I think you're saying (that Neil and Terry can't have ever thought of writing these characters as romantically involved, because Neil once said he found the idea of GO slash fic "mindboggling"), but that doesn't logically follow. And I don't think it's helpful to call something an outright lie when it isn't.

All he's saying in the highlighted quote is: "I still find the idea of Good Omens slash fiction fairly mindboggling." You could project all kinds of meaning onto it, but what's actually there in the quote is just that. He's not even saying it's mindboggling that Crowley and Aziraphale could be imagined as romantically in love. He's not saying he could never imagine writing them that way himself. He's not making any sort of moral judgement on the idea of that kind of relationship between these characters. He's saying the idea of slash fiction about that book and characters is mindboggling. That's it.

Something I think younger people especially do not fully appreciate is how much people's attitudes towards fan fiction have changed over the years. You think it's looked down on now? I've been writing fanfic since the late '90s. In 2002, to simply say the idea of someone writing it about your characters boggles your mind was a tame and rather neutral opinion on fanfic for a published author to have. Fanfic was Not Talked About even moreso than now, and when it was, it was often spoken of negatively, or at least very dismissively.

We also didn't have social media whereby creators of things were exposed to fandom culture as directly as they are now. Most authors probably found it a bewildering topic, and something they didn't really know how to contextualise or speak on, because they only had the vaguest idea what it really was or how it fit into fandom. And it's objectively strange to imagine, if you never have before, that people you don't know are writing your characters in situations very different from what you've imagined yourself.

All that's to say, this particular comment about Good Omens slash fic from over 20 years ago has basically nothing to do with how the author himself is writing the characters now.

And apart from everything else, 2002 was, again, over 20 years ago. Even if you made a lot of assumptions about this quote, and decided that in 2002, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett did not intend Crowley and Aziraphale to ever be a romantic pairing, a lot of time has passed since then, and Terry Pratchett was alive for most of that time. That's a lot of opportunities to evolve their ideas for the story. So it's frankly a bit of a wild move to firmly state that it's "a lie" they ever imagined the story going this way.

Hello!! I have a question about the ending of s2 ep6 (loved the season by the way!!)

What lead you to making Crowley kiss aziraphale? In the past i recall you mentioning that you felt unsure to stray too far from the original material or say anything new about their relationship without Terry Pratchett being here so i wonder what caused you to change your mind? Not complaining, just curious :)

I said I wasn't going to change anything about the nature of their relationship in the first book, and I didn't. I know what Terry and I had planned for the sequel, though.

[mythvoiced]

@clemencetaught | the GBEP

Somehow Seok-ju feels as though he's getting his answer before Professor Grace has even fully finished articulating what he intends to say. It's in the demeanour, the choice of words maybe, the willingness to retract prior wording and sort of admit to a fault, or a slip-up, or something no longer considered suitable, that clicks inside Seok-ju's mind as definitely part of how the Professor deals with his students.

Seok-ju has no concept for teaching. Never been something they'd even remotely considered as a career choice. All his experience with teachers revolved around those directly involved with their upbringing, stood behind desks or even with the occasional ruler reddening their palms, back when physical punishment wasn't as frowned upon as it is today.

He holds no particularly positive nor particularly negative attitude towards them.

They're about as neutral to teaching, and teachers, professors, alike, as their job will allow them, meaning he can only truly form a deep-seated opinion once he's directly exposed to someone in Professor Grace's field.

Which, obviously, includes Professor Grace.

And something about Professor Grace's delivery makes him easy to listen to.

Seok-ju is good at paying attention, to simplify the skill into the simplest terms suited to its description. Part of the job, slightly accentuated due to incorporate hyper-vigilance he wishes he could blame only on the job, and not on that job, and... perhaps a natural talent? Perhaps a natural intrigue?

Doesn't matter. What matters is that Seok-ju is good at paying attention, and that Professor Grace is good at capturing it. Easy, succinct, non-judgemental, a delivery of information and perception, his opinion on the matter, never dipping into the dangerous territory of higher-education-arrogance, the idea that one more piece of paper and a desk at a university makes you better.

Superior.

"I'm guessing your students are quite fond of you," is what slips him in a moment, watching their tea cup being refilled with the distracted attention of someone staring at something while they organize their thoughts. He looks up with a smile.

"If you talk to them like you're talking to me, well, your classes must be interesting. Did I..." he wraps his fingers tentatively around the cup, flexing against the sides to test for the strength of the warmth. "Did I ever ask what it is you teach?"

Seok-ju's never been much of a tea person. But only due to lack of opportunity. High-tension, long hours environment filled with neurotic people like themselves who somehow enjoy doing overtime usually come equipped with a whole lot of coffee.

Professor Grace makes an exquisite cup of tea. One Seok-ju promptly laughs into, almost spilling the cup before they set it down again, wiping at flavoured, heated droplets gathering on their chin.

"Say, ever considered doing investigative work, Professor?" a cheeky grin, a kid with their hand stuck in the cookie jar, trying to either charm their way out or knowing it's truly not that big of a deal after all. "Right on the head, there. Well! You see... I don't actually meet a lot of youngsters at work," he spins the cup around, mindlessly. "Fortunately. I'd rather never see any at all, if I can't keep crimes from happening, I can at least hope for the silver-lining of them not involving minors."

He shifts in his seat, trying to paint the sigh as lighter than it feels once it slips out of their chest. Then, almost conspiratorial, they make direct eye contact. "I think my niece thinks I'm a big ol' loser."

[ukai-simp-services]

just tonight

oikawa tōru x fem!reader warnings: smoking weed, cursing, degrading/humiliating, nsfw and smut ofc, corruption kink, slight biblical references, y/n is kinda bitchy, voyeurism, temp/heat play, high during intercourse, choking, dumbdification. a/n: i literally don’t even like smoking or care for it at all BUT THIS FUCKING IDEA CAME TO MY HEAD AND OOOHH BOY. so here’s an alternate universe oikawa being a mf bad boy stoner with piercings and tattoos, and lowkey an asshole.

  fake friends, fake fucking friends, you thought to yourself. you were standing outside of the loud - practically vibrating - club. the one that your friends invited you to; yet here you were, alone while they were driving away with sloppy looking men that just wanted to hook up with them. 

  bass-boosted music rang through your ears, while the ground you walked on literally shook from the bouncing club. you felt a wave of goosebumps rise on your skin, the dress you were wearing was a little too short and it didn't help that the sleeves were spaghetti straps. it was only the beginning of summer, a late june night with a chilling breeze. not to mention, you were two fucking hours away from home, you had no car and a dead phone. the best you could hope for was that someone was kind enough to call a cab for you, or an uber - but there was no one around, except for the people inside the club that you could no longer enter.

  “someone looks lost~” a low, yet teasing voice came from behind you.

  you whipped your head around; taken aback by the sudden voice, but felt slightly relieved when you were greeted by the presence of a young man.

  “yeah, i guess you could say that...” your voice was timid as you trailed off, still nervous of this unknown man gracing your presence. 

  “’s not safe for a pretty girl like you to be walking around this area with that lost look on your face, you could attract some bad news.” he stepped closer and closer to you, almost hesitantly. 

  “like you?” you cocked an eyebrow back at him, gesturing to the array of large, black tattoos littering his arms.

  he clicked his tongue at you, ”should someone like you really be judging others by their looks?” the stranger got uncomfortably closer and you could see that his eyes resembled a warm brown color and his fluffy hair matched them. his face certainly didn't match the rest of his appearance. 

  “someone like me? i look exactly like what i am, a girl who's stranded with no phone or car and could use a nice person to call her a cab home. get lost, creep.” you practically spat back. 

  you spun on your heel and began walking away, you half expected him to chase after you and snatch you into the darkness of an ally, and half expected him to just give up and walk away. your speed-walking was put to a halt when he did neither of those things, when he started laughing hysterically. you spun around quickly out of curiosity to see him doubled over, crouched down on the ground trying to get a grip on himself. 

  “what's so funny?” you were both pissed and skeeved out, what the hell was this asshole creepy laughing at you for?

  he began wiping the tears from his eyes dramatically, “nothing, sorry. it’s just that girls like you are so stereotypical. always looking down on men like me, always thinking you're better than everyone else. it’s just kinda funny instead of insulting.” 

  you were at a loss for words, did you really come off that bitchy? and didn't you have a right to? he was the one lurking in the shadows.

  “i'd call you a cab, but i left my phone at home. i could go get it and come back?”

  somehow, you weren't convinced he’d let you go that easy. something about his tone when he first approached you, was just too teasing and insinuating. 

  “no thanks, i can find someone else to call one for me.” you nervously tugged at the chain on your purse, you knew that was a damn lie. the streets were empty, and this man was your only hope.

  he smirked, a knowing look planted on his face. he wouldn't push, but he knew you'd have to resort to his help in the end. 

  “suit your self.” he treaded away slowly, eagerly expecting your plea to come. 

  you furrowed your eyebrows slightly, he wasn't going to keep pushing you? was he not just saying how unsafe the streets were for a young girl like you?

  “actually- wait.” you stammered hesitantly, embarrassed that you needed his attention again. 

  he turned around swiftly, a small smirk gracing his lips - smugly trying to hold back a grin. 

  “i'm sorry, could you please call me a taxi?” you failed to notice his sly expression.

  “sure thing, but will you be safe here on your own while i get my phone?” he feigned the worry in his voice and the twinkle in his eyes. 

  you bit your lip, hesitant to pick your next words.

  “how long would you be?”

  “should be a 10 minute walk there, another 10 minutes back.”

  “so, 20 minutes?”

  “yes, around 20.” the mysterious man toyed with something between his long, slender fingers, barely giving you a glance. 

  “oh...” you looked around awkwardly, you thought 20 minutes might be too long. who knows what kind of person would approach you, plus it felt like the breeze against your so very exposed legs was getting colder by the minute.

  he looked up to catch your nervous gaze.

  “of course, you could join me on the walk, wait outside my house when we get there.” he pursed his lips, making it look like he had just thought up the idea with no further intentions. 

  no, no fucking way you would go with him.

  but in his gaze, you caught something. a glint in his eyes; trust, comfort. 

  your better judgement faltered as you lost yourself in the charm he held in his eyes, the start to many more risks you would take that night. 

  despite his eccentric look; piercings littering his ears, leather jacket with the sleeves rolled up, obscene tattoos and all black attire - he had a deep warmth in his eyes. and you may have felt so stupid in the moment, but you found yourself trusting that warmth.

  “okay, can't be worse than staying here alone right?”

  he chuckled, “right.”

  but were you actually wrong?

  the walk to his apartment was quiet, mostly because you were nervous he was gonna snap and pull a knife out and murder you in an ally.

  “you know, you don't have to walk 10 feet away from me, right?” the guy looked over his shoulder and squinted his eyes at you. 

  you bit your lip, deciding to stride a little closer to him - making a more comfortable distance.

  “i don't even know your name, mystery man.” 

  he chuckled, stepping to the side a little to give you more room to walk.

  “neither do i, mystery woman.”

  “wouldn't you like to know, i asked first anyway.”

  you were now walking by his side, a little more confident than you were before. your fingers held themselves behind your back, purse still hooked over your shoulder.

  “it’s oikawa, tōru oikawa.” his eyes flickered up to yours, hopeful for you to open up and tell him your name too.

  “told me your full name huh, i guess i should too.” you rocked on your heels nervously. you were still uneasy about telling him your full name for some reason, but when you looked into his orbs of warm chocolate brown, you felt like you could trust this man with your life.

  “l/n y/n.”

  he smirked, looking up ahead at the road again, “pretty name, definitely suits a pretty girl.”

  you rolled your eyes at his sudden flattery, he seemed to do a lot of that - you noticed.

  the two of you continued walking for a few more minutes, casual conversation bouncing off each other. you noticed he began to slow down his faster walking pace when you both reached a tall apartment building.

  “we’re home.” he winked at you.

  “oh shut it, don’t take too long please. it’s so cold...” you hopped from foot to foot and rubbed your exposed biceps with your hands.

  oikawa thought for a moment - running his tongue over his teeth while contemplating how to make what he was about to say not sound creepy.

  “why don’t you come in with me? it’d only take a second and i don’t trust the people around this area to leave you alone out here.”

  you paused for a moment, you were usually very street smart and would know exactly how to avoid this situation. if he were any other guy, you’d just say ‘no thanks, i can handle myself’ and refuse his offer - but his eyes, why were you so allured by his eyes? what was it about him that you trusted? 

  “it’s okay if you’re uncomfortable, i’ll be quick and you can wait out here-“

  “no, wait. i'll come, just...don’t pull anything weird, kay?” you were readjusting your purse on your shoulder as you hesitantly stepped closer to the apartment door.

  “of course, i’d never.” there was a glint of mischief in his eye after the words left his lips, but you didn’t notice it.

  after oikawa let you into his apartment, you were greeted by the strongest smell of weed in your life - and a lot of loud talking and laughter. you were just about ready to turn on your heel and leave.

  “sorry ‘bout that, my friends are really loud.” oikawa apologized and locked the door behind you.

  you waved him off, dismissing his apology. you didn’t care about his loud friends, you were just bothered by the disgusting scent of marijuana that hit your nostrils. you wouldn’t tell him that though, at least not yet.

  you followed oikawa into the living room; also known as the source of where the horrid smell was coming from. the room was dimly lit and felt bigger than it looked. there was an L-shaped brown couch in the center of the room being occupied by 3 men - seemingly the same age as oikawa and yourself.

  “hey guys, this is y/n. she got lost and needs me to call her a ride home. do you guys know where my phone is?” oikawa spoke to the men in front of you, they all seemed to immediately drop their conversation the second oikawa walked in.

  “nah man, i dunno.” a boy with short light brown hair spoke up while twiddling a blunt between his fingers.

  oikawa sighed and ran a hand through his hair, quickly scanning the room for his phone before looking back at you.

  “wait here for a sec while i go look in my room, kay?” he raised an eyebrow at you before hearing your response.

  you would’ve snorted at the tall man with tattoos and ripped jeans using the term “kay”, if it weren’t for the intimating group of men staring you down at the moment.

  “sure.” you forced a nod, signaling oikawa to exit the room.

  you looked around the room awkwardly, hands clasped together against your thighs. you weren’t sure how long he would take, and you certainly weren’t up for small talk with these ‘troublesome’ looking guys.

  “take a seat, we don’t bite.” the man with messy black hair and thick eyebrows chuckled at you.

  yeah right, “that’s ok, i-“

  “i insist.” his voice was deep and his eyes were burning holes into your own. you weren’t sure how someone so high could come off so serious.

  you swallowed down your nerves and took a seat on the far right of all the boys on the couch, plopping down next to one of the quieter men; he had spiky black hair and wore a denim jacket. 

  “so, ‘kawa’s picking up strangers off the street n bringing 'em into our apartment now, eh?” the man next to you spoke up, plucking the blunt from his friends fingers and placing it between his own lips. 

  the light-haired man laughed, following it with a cough from previously inhaling the smoke, “wouldn’t be much of a surprise, knowing him.”

  you wrinkled your nose at their laughter. you tried to be polite, you really did, but you simply didn't belong here; didn't belong in a room with these ‘delinquents’.

  “i am not, ‘from the streets’, for your information. i don't even live around here, i was just clubbing with my friends, but they-” 

  “yeah yeah, we get it. you're a typical stuck-up girl who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.” the light-haired boy (it would really help if they told you their names) mocked you in a high-pitched voice.

  “i'm not stuck up, i just-” he kept cutting you off.

  “oh please, the second you walked in here, you were sticking up your nose at us, looking us up and down with a disapproving glare. you're just that kind of girl, face it.” 

  the messy-haired man chuckled lowly at his friend’s joke and added, “just oikawa’s type!”

  “that's enough, you two.” the quieter man next to you spoke up for a second time, giving the other two men a threatening glare. 

  you swallowed awkwardly as the room became quiet, only the soft sounds of sucking in smoke from the blunt being passed around were heard. 

  you were busy absentmindedly picking at the polish on your nails, a nervous habit, when a small orange glow next to your head caught your eye. 

  “you wanna hit?” the guy next to you was holding the blunt out for you to grab, the strong smell getting a little too close to your nostrils. 

  you scrunched your nose at his offer, shaking your head to further decline.

  “no thanks, i don't really do that stuff.”

  the spikey-haired male nodded - accepting your decision and taking an extra hit himself, when you heard a chuckle come from behind him.

  “god, she really is a prude.” the voice of the impudent light-haired man spoke again.

  you were just about ready to bite back a reply, but the man sat in-between the two men with the deeper voice beat you to it. 

  “makki, bet you 10 bucks she was only at that club for a half-hour before she was beggin’ her friends to go. that's probably why they ditched her stuck-up ass.” the boys cackled in unison at their stupid jokes. if they weren't pissing you off so much, you might even had found their cackles funny. 

  “makki, mattsun, shut your mouths.” the man next to you rose his voice slightly. you were thankful that he was sticking up for you, but there was no way you'd let it go without defending yourself.

  “ha, sorry that i actually have my life together and don't need a mind-altering drug to live my every day life. you guys are the pathetic ones, not me.” you laughed bitterly at them. what you were saying was only half true; you didn't have your life together and you couldn't care less if people that weren't you did mind-altering drugs, but you did think they were pathetic. 

  3 pairs of eyes widened in your direction in response your bitchy remark, they knew they had it coming - yet they were still surprised to hear it. 

  “please, humble yourself sweetheart. you aren't any better than us for not doing drugs.” the man with dark hair, presumably mattsun, laughed coldly at you whilst leaning further back into the cushion of the couch. 

  “yeah, you're only missing out.” the man called makki chimed in.

  “missing out? oh please, on what? a fried brain? smelly breath? black lungs? yeah, i think I'm doing just fine.” you leaned back against the couch, content with the newfound confidence you held. you weren't normally this snappy with people you first met, so this was quite a shift in your usual dynamic. 

  this time, all three boys laughed at you, this included the quieter man who's name you still did not know. 

  “oh darling, you're cracking me up. just say that you're a prude and go, you're honestly embarrassing yourself.” makki pushed your argument further. 

  “yeah, you shouldn't knock something before you try it. just because you're a virgin doesn't mean you have to act-” 

  “what makes you think that im a virgin? what does weed have to do with my sex life, like at all?” your voice was getting defensively higher and you were now leaning over the man in between you and makki and mattsun to get your point across. 

  “you're not a virgin because you don't smoke weed, but you don't smoke weed because you're a virgin.” makki put it bluntly, staring straight at you with a completely blank face. the two boys next to him chuckled at his stupidity. you were completely dumbfounded. 

  “you're joking right? this has to be a joke. you can't seriously think that i’m some prude who's never had sex before just because i've never smoked weed before - and never will.” you were crossing your right leg over your left now, lifting your posture significantly to get a better look at the men.

  “actually, sweetheart. that's exactly what we think.” mattsun glanced over at you, half-lidded eyes burning into your own. 

  you felt a shudder run through your body at the nickname, trying your hardest to push down the heat rising to your cheeks and somehow maintain your snarky persona. 

  “i-”

  “found my phone- what is going on here?” oikawa entering the living room interrupted your retaliation, suddenly becoming confused with the obvious tense atmosphere in the room. 

  “tch, your little prude of a friend over here just called us pathetic for smoking weed.” makki rolled his eyes before placing the blunt between his lips, it was now a quarter of the size it was before when you first entered the home. 

  “only because your asshole friends were calling me a prude and a virgin for not smoking.” you snapped back immediately, turning your body to face oikawa to make your point. 

  “asshole friends? that isn't very nice now is it, sweetheart?” mattsun teased you again, using the same nickname that you were shamefully flustered by before. 

  you opened your mouth to argue back, but oikawa interrupted your spiteful words with a long laugh.

  “i knew you were a stereotypical stuck-up girl the second i met you, didn't i y/n? this comes off as no surprise to me.” oikawa’s arms were now crossed and he was eyeing you down from his standing position above you.

  “oooh, her name is y/n. just sounds like a prude’s name.” makki proceeded to torment you. 

  “come on asswipes, be gentlemen.” the quieter man next to you spoke up again for the first time in quite a few minutes. 

  “sorry, iwa-chan, but i’m gonna have to side with makki and mattsun this time. if y/n wants to act like a little prudent brat, then she’ll just have to be treated like one.” oikawa stepped closer to your spot on the couch, a teasing lilt to his voice.

  you were flustered by how fast oikawa’s personality had shifted, he had alluded you to think he was a charming, trustworthy man not even 20 minutes ago. where was that energy now?

  “such a stuck-up brat, probably gonna live to be a perfect little virgin mary, yeah? never gonna compromise her health, never gonna sleep with a man, and never gonna commit a sin, isn't that right?” oikawa now stood directly in front of you, legs brushing against yours with your head at eye level with his crotch. 

  you hesitated for a moment, contemplating if your pride was really worth doing this. 

  of course it was.

  “pass me the fucking blunt.” your head whipped towards makki, holding your hand out towards him, praying to god that he couldn't see how much you were shaking.

  makki widened his reddened eyes at you while trying to figure out if you were being serious or not.

  “are you deaf? let me take a fucking hit.” your eyes were dead and cold, boring into his surprised ones.

  “alright... now that's what i like to see.” makki’s lips curled up into a smirk as he passed you the medium-sized, glowing blunt. 

  everybody’s eyes were on you as your held the object between your thumb and your pointer finger, mimicking the movements you've seen others do so many times before.

  “you sure you can handle the smoke, darling?” oikawa’s voice was anything but caring and sweet, it held a mocking tone laced with faux sympathy. 

  no, you were very sure that you couldn't, but you were too stubborn to go back now. your pride was on the line and you would be damned if you didn't prove yourself to these four men.

  you looked up at oikawa through your thick lashes, placing the blunt between your lips at the slowest, most seductive speed. 

  “i'm a big girl. i think i'll be alright, kay?

  oikawa let a low chuckle out, still staring down at you from his tall position above you with his head slightly tilted to the side. 

  “we’ll see about that.” his voice came out deeper and smoother than it had before.

  you wanted so badly to prove to these assholes that you weren't as prudent as they made you out to be. sure, you were a little pretentious and always stuck your nose up in disapproval when your friends did similar actions that these boys did, but secretly, you always wished you could let yourself loose like everyone else. you were raised to be a perfect, well-behaved girl, so you've always kind of stuck by that title for as long as you knew. just going to clubs, like you did tonight, was totally out of your comfort zone. if tonight was going to be the one night where you let yourself loose, then there was no reason that you couldn't do this, right?

  you seemed to underestimate how many hits it would take for a lightweight like you to get even the slightest bit high, all you wanted was a little buzz - just to get these dickheads off your back. 

  it was only after coughing up an entire lung after your two first hits, that you realized that this might've not been such a good idea.

  you set down the glass of water that iwaizumi - the only nice guy out of the bunch - got you from the tap. you were four hits in and absolutely miserable. your entire chest felt on fire and to make matters worse, you didn't even feel high yet - not like you would know what that felt like, anyway. 

  “nuh-uh, that's enough for you.” oikawa quickly snatched the blunt from your fingers before you could react.

  you rolled your eyes, not wanting to back down from what felt like a competition. 

  “pft, look who's the pussy now.” you reached to grab for the small piece of blunt left in oikawa’s hand, but your slow reaction rate caused you to miss horribly. 

  “i’m not a pussy, i just know what'll happen to a light-weight like you. if you over-do it you're bound to get sick, and the last thing i need is some random girl who pushed her limits to lose her shit in front of me.” oikawa’s words were harsh, but a playful smirk was planted on his lips. 

  you weren't having it.

  he was right, you had pushed your limits - and oikawa didn't know the half of how stubborn you were. you weren't about to let the guy that was just making fun of you for being so prude, to change his mind and withhold you from proving yourself. 

  “thanks for the advice, but i promise you i can handle myself.” you spat back at the man hovering over you, proceeding to snatch the blunt back from his hand. 

  oikawa chuckled and shook his head at you, deciding to take a seat on the coffee table in front of you.

  “suit yourself.”

  you continued the assault on your lungs; taking long hits of the remainder of the blunt, coughing hysterically, drowning yourself in water, then repeating the process again. you'd think the group of boys would have some complaints about you hogging the last few hits of their weed, but they just sat back and reveled in the sight of you struggling to keep up your pride, entertained at the sight of your flushed cheeks. 

  it wasn't until you were sucking at practically nothing that you realized you'd finished the blunt, still unsatisfied with the lack of buzz you felt.

  “wow that was exactly what I thought it would be, a total waste of money and lung health.” you laughed dryly, leaning back onto the couch in discontent. 

  “not your money.” mattsun rolled his eyes at you.

  “just wait till it hits, she’ll be fucked.” makki laughed loudly at your expense, nodding his head in your direction at mattsun. 

  all the guys chuckled in unison, they seemed to do that a lot through out the night.

  “glad our weed was just a waste to you, maybe buy your own next time.” oikawa’s eyes held mischief in them as they glared at you, a playful scowl on his lips.

  “oh i’m sorry, did i waste your precious weed?” you jutted your bottom lip out in a faux pout, your eyes containing an unintentionally seductive glint in them. 

  oikawa narrowed his eyes back at you, feeding into the little game you were starting. 

  “yeah, I think you did. how ‘bout you pay up for it, hm sweetheart?” he leaned over his lap, forearms resting on the tops of his thighs and his face nearing closer to yours. 

  your mouth opened to retort something back, but words failed to come out as your vision started becoming hazy and an urge to laugh started sprouting in your stomach. you couldn't contain the laughter that spilled from your mouth, cheeks heating up and body beginning to feel numb. 

  “yeah...she’s gone.” iwaizumi chuckled. 

  oikawa smirked at you, his face still so close to yours that you could faintly feel the warmth of his breath on you. 

  “no i’m not...” you let out a few more giggles as you felt a numbing feeling take over your arms and legs. you slapped your legs in hopes to regain some feeling in them, giggling once again at how heightened your senses were becoming. 

  “oh god, wasn't expecting to have to babysit today.” makki groaned from the other side of the couch.

  “you literally aren't doing anything.” mattsun prodded back at him.

  “true, this is oikawa’s problem now.”

  the chesnut-haired man chuckled in front of you, pressing his hands to his knees as he pushed himself off the coffee table.

  “there's no way i’m letting you get in an uber tonight, come with me.” he held his hand out in front of your face.

  your mind was on a whole different level than his. your vision felt extremely clear, you couldn’t help how your eyes trailed over every tattoo and vein running down oikawa’s hand and forearm right in front of you - mouth unapologetically agape at the sight. 

  “come on, don't give me a hard time, yeah?” his voice sounded smoother than you ever heard it, it echoed in your brain and overstimulated your senses. you wanted to hear more. 

  “no.” you pouted, reddening eyes glancing up through your lashes to lock with his. 

  “no?”

  “no.” you were firm, or tried to be, another fit of giggles threatened to bubble out of your throat. 

  he cocked an eyebrow at you, clearly not following your message. 

  “want...oikawa...” you were unable to finish your sentence, your brain suddenly forgetting what words were supposed to come next.

  he leaned down to your height with his hands propped up against his knees, face merely inches from yours. he held a permanent smirk on his lips and his eyes teased you with faux seduction, oikawa almost always knew what he was doing. 

  “want me to do what?” his voice was lower than usual, softer too. 

  “need...” you knew you needed something, you just couldn't think of what.

  “yeah? keep going, baby.”

  you furrowed your brows in frustration, your brain was a little too hazy for your liking and the small bit of rationality that you still had inside you was getting fed up with how stupid you were acting. 

  “kiss.” you blurted out, then bit your lip and dropped your gaze as if you just exposed a secret that you weren't supposed to tell anymore. 

  “a kiss where?” he taunted you, bringing a finger underneath your chin to lift your gaze to his once more. 

  what felt like a few seconds to you - was almost a full minute in real time, of you staring up at oikawa; mouth agape, eyes hooded, not saying a word.

  “everywhere.” he almost couldn't hear you, because of how soft your words came out. 

  oikawa didn't show it, but his stomach erupted in warmth at your words, that same warmth flooding down to his crotch. he bit his tongue before responding to you, he knew damn well you were in no state of mind to be making these decisions. 

  but you just looked so pretty sitting below him like that; eyes lidded with the daze from your high mixed with lust, lips parted, and legs crossed to cover up the growing wetness coming from your core. 

  “mmm, tempting, but i don't particularly enjoy taking advantage of women while they're high.” he sighed, shaking his head in hopes it would get rid of his lewd thoughts.

  you pouted in return. sure, the buzz from your high was strong, strong enough to make you regret how bold you were acting when you woke up tomorrow, but not strong enough to have sex with someone you had no interest in. no, you had been looking him up and down all night long. you wanted this, the buzz just gave you the confidence you didn't have before - and who were you not to take this opportunity? 

  it wasn't just the lack of rationality from your high that made you want this from him, it was the heightened senses. every time you were close to him, everytime his eyes gazed over yours, you felt a million sparks burst through out your body. you were convinced that the second he touched you, your skin would ignite with flames. 

  you grabbed his hand, pulling him back in to destroy the distance he made between you two. 

  “i know what i want, and i've wanted this the whole night. despite what you think, i’m not some virgin mary. so are you gonna continue to act like a little pussy, or are you going to fuck mine?” 

  a gasp was heard from the right of you, makki. he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth after oikawa sent a glare his way. 

  “and what happens when you regret this tomorrow?” he raised an eyebrow down at you playfully.

  “something tells me that, that won't happen... unless, you're saying that it's short?” you questioned him with a gaze that fluttered down to his crotch, then back up to his eyes. 

  oikawa had to hold back the growl that threatened to escape his lips, and the hand that twitched in anticipation to squeeze your throat. 

  “oh, it’s most certainly not.”

  you had expected oikawa to take you back to his room, at least. 

  you didn't think he'd wrap his hand around your throat and push you up against the couch right there. 

  right in front of makki and mattsun.

  right next to iwaizumi. 

  you struggled against the strength of oikawa’s death grip around your neck, unsure if your hazy vision was from the loss of air you were getting or the impending high from the weed. 

  “you said you wanted to be fucked, right?” oikawa’s words were laced with a venom you hadn't heard from him before, his eyes sadistically glaring down into yours. 

  you opened your mouth to respond, but your words were cut off with a harsh cough from the painful position you were in. 

  “c’mon ‘kawa, at least loosen your grip a little.” iwaizumi’s voice of reason brought a warmth to your chest, suddenly grateful for his presence. 

  oikawa smirked above you, moving his hand from its grip on your throat to mindlessly caress the outside of your breasts, thumb pressing against the material of your dress where your nipples would be. 

 “fine, but only ‘cause iwa-chan said so.” you glared up at him, your competitive nature fighting the fear of him choking you again.

  you cleared your throat, well aware of the burning sensation still evident in your wind pipe, “i said i wanted to be fucked, yes, but not in front of your friends.” 

  that earned a chuckle from makki and mattsun - and a smirk from oikawa and iwaizumi. 

  “but i thought you wanted to prove you werent a little prude, i thought you would want to prove my friends wrong - or are you a coward like i predicted?” his thumb and middle finger were now pinching your nipple through the thin material of your dress and your bralette, making you squirm underneath him. 

  you could feel what you only assumed to be the peak of your high reaching, it was making every touch and every word from oikawa feel and sound 10 times better than it would've before. at this point you were willing to fuck him wherever he wanted. 

  cheeks flushed, and eyes averted to the side - away from oikawa’s face, you muttered a “fine.”

  “what was that, sweetheart? i can’t hear you.”

  “i said fine.”

  makki joined in on the teasing, “wait, what did she say oikawa? i cant hear from all the way over here.” 

  god, you couldn’t stand these fuckers.

  “i said, it’s fucking fine. jesus chri-” your aggrivated screams at the men were soon cut off by oikawa’s tight grip on your jaw, a searing kiss pressed against your lips soon following.

  “enough talking, you need to take my dick now.” oikawa was breathless after engaging in the fiery kiss, he was soon found ripping off your dress.

  you felt it, you felt the peak of your high approaching. everything felt so fucking good; his hands grazing your body as he ripped your dress off, the burning stares of makki, mattsun, and iwaizumi, and the empty buzz in the back of your head - it all made you feel breathless. 

  oikawa noticed your dazed out face, he hadn't even fucked you yet and you already appeared to be full of bliss. 

  “no fair, she’s high out of her mind and i’m sober. do me a favor and roll me a blunt while i eat her out, makki.” oikawa pouted above you, continuing to discard your clothing while he waited for makki to prepare him a blunt.

  you may have been peaking, but your mind jumped at the thought of oikawa eating you out. you were suddenly becoming extremely aware of the situation at hand again. 

  “i- are you sure about-” you stuttered, shaky hands from the numbing feeling of your high came down to grip at the soft panties you wore that oikawa was attempting to rip off. 

  “‘s the matter? has our little virgin mary never had her pussy licked before?” oikawa smirked down at your burning body, both burning in embarrassment and in an immense amount of desire. 

  you decided to stay silent, gaze averting to the side once again.

  oikawa wasn't having it, he gripped your chin with his free hand - pulling your gaze back to his.

  “you were all bark before, where's the bite? don't disappoint me now, y/n” his gaze was intense, to say the least, and your body still felt like it was floating from the peak. 

  you swallowed the thickness inside your throat, building the small amount of courage you had left. 

  “i can bite, and i will.” you looked up at him with complete malice, and he mirrored your expression, adding his trademark smirk to his lips. 

  “we’ll see about that, little one.” 

  the unexpected nickname had your head spinning, you were quick to feel a familiar heartbeat thumping down towards your core. 

  you soon felt extremely aware of the way he was touching you, head lowering down towards your thighs, gently pushing your hand away from its grip on your panties. 

  it was true, you hadn't been eaten out before. you only had sex once and your boyfriend at the time finished in 30 seconds, tops - leaving you unsatisfied and humiliated. 

  but oikawa felt different, even though the sex was initiated to save your pride - a competitive desire to prove yourself to people you had just met - you could tell that behind his teasing, he cared about your pleasure. it showed in his small touches; the way he gently caressed your skin before ridiculing you, the way his eye flickered up to yours before dipping his head in-between your thighs. you sensed the emotions he held deep inside of him, the ones he kept hidden. maybe that's the reason you felt you could trust him, maybe that's why you didn't run out of his house the second you saw his sketchy friends.

  maybe that’s why you so badly wanted to prove yourself to him. 

  makki began to roll a blunt, as instructed by oikawa, as he began eating you out. mattsun and iwaizumi’s eyes burned holes into your skin as they watched.

  your body twitched after the first few licks from him, immediately becoming obsessed with the feeling. oikawa’s tongue felt warm and soft against your clit, the slow pace of the circles around the bud were driving your body crazy. your thighs instinctively went to close around his head, but he held them down with a firm grasp, only intensifying the pace of his tongue in disapproval of how your body misbehaved.

  “relax.” he drawled into your skin, continuing his assault on your clit.

  you bit your lip and nodded in response, trying to keep your calm as your body had never experienced such pleasure before. 

  oikawa expertly switched his tongue from your clit to your hole, replacing the stimulation on your clit with his thumb whilst fucking you slowly with his firm tongue. you unintentionally let out a loud whine, head thrusting back into the plush pillow of the couch and fingers going to thread in oikawa’s brown locks.

  “feels good?” the voice came from next to you, iwaizumi’s. 

  your eyes glazed over to his, lids becoming heavy and lips parting open as you panted out a “yes.”

  oikawa noticed your attention diverting over from him to his best friend, his brows furrowed in annoyance. to grasp your attention once more, he removed his tongue from your hole and replaced it on your clit again, then shoved his middle finger inside you with no warning - making sure to curl it all the way up. 

  his harsh actions against your cunt had you loudly moaning with your head thrown back in both pain and pleasure. just one of his fingers alone filled you up more than your exes entire cock ever did. 

  your eyes immediately squeezed shut at the feeling, toes curling from the sensation of his finger thrusting inside you, mixed with the feeling of his tongue swirling your clit. 

  oikawa lifted his head to click his tongue at you, “no baby, you’re gonna look at me while you cum, okay?” 

  his tone was sweet, but firm enough to make you quickly shoot your eyes open and nod at him obediently. 

  he mumbled a “good girl” before going back to licking up and down your cunt. he went through a routine of switching between circling your clit, swiping his tongue from side to side, sucking on your swollen bud, and rapidly lapping up your pussy - all while fucking you with his finger. 

  he didn't even get the chance to add a second finger before you felt your climax approaching. your head was still spacey from the high, so you weren't sure if this feeling was from oikawa or if it was just your hazy brain, but you found out sooner than later as you orgasm began to take over you. 

  oikawa got the idea that you were reaching your climax as your little hole pulsed around his finger and your legs shook around his head. as much as he wanted to tease and edge you, he decided he wanted to fuck you more.

  he helped you ride out your orgasm as his tongue prodded at your clit relentlessly, licking and sucking at the firm bud, finger curling further and further into the depths of your gummy walls, 

  euphoria took over you as you felt the numbing feeling from your high intertwine with the body-racking orgasm that oikawa was providing you. your entire body felt lighter than it ever had before; sweet, pure release exiting your body. 

  your head was spinning and your chest was heaving from the aftermath, your body began to feel extremely tired. the weight from the entire day you had came crashing over you, as the sweet release you once felt subsided. you felt good, but you needed a nap. 

  through eyes that were barely open, you watched as oikawa smirked down at your disheveled form and carefully grabbed something from makki’s outstretched hand. 

  “glad you enjoyed that, princess, but it’s my turn now.” oikawa stealthily unbuttoned his pants after placing his blunt in-between his lips, strategically sucking in the smoke and blowing it out without having to remove the object from his lips. 

  you nodded at him, half-understanding what he meant. you were by no means sober, but you definitely felt the strong buzz dying down. 

  “i’m gonna need verbal responses, sweetheart.” he leaned down just above your face, breathing out smoke as he got closer. the strong scent filled up your nostrils.

  you couldn't help but scrunch your nose up at the strong smell, you may have been sucking down a blunt yourself not even 30 minutes ago, but you would never get used to the grotesque odor. 

  oikawa noticed, and raised a curious brow at you. 

  “ah, so we still think weed is gross? after you smoked almost an entire blunt by yourself?” his tone seemed amusing, but his eyes told a whole different story.

  “god, first she wastes our weed and now she acts like she didn't even like it?” mattsun crossed his arms over his chest while facing you, eyes giving your naked body a once over. 

  you were too blissed out to even fight them this time, you just desperately wanted a nap, 

  “hey, all i said was that i’d prove to you guys i’m not a prude, and i did. doesn't mean i have to like the smell of your stinky weed.” your words were mumbled from your tired state, but still not wanting to accept defeat.

  “nah, i don't think you’ve proved yourself at all yet.” makki chuckled dryly at you.

  “yeah, all you've done is get high and be a fucking pillow princess for oikawa.” mattsun chimed in.

  “and a brat too.” makki added on to mattsun’s sentence. 

  oikawa raised his chin cockily, clearly satisfied with his friend’s insolent words. 

  then, an idea clicked in his mischievous mind. he narrowed his eyes down at your pathetic figure sprawled out underneath him as he thought about it. 

  “oh please, don't be sore losers. i smoked your fucking weed and let oikawa eat me out, just admit i’m not a prude like you thought i was.” you tried to regain the similar confident composure that you held before, glaring over at makki and mattsun. 

  “hmm, maybe you aren't a prude, but you're still a pretentious brat, and brats deserve to be tamed. don't you think?” oikawa’s voice was smooth and easy-going, but his words were dripping with malice.

  you found the courage to narrow your eyes back up at oikawa, despite the internal feeling of your heart hammering against your chest.

  “and how do you plan on doing that?” you tested him.

  he chuckled lowly at your obviously feigned confidence, he could just tell by your flushed cheeks.

  he lowered his face to hover above yours for the nth time that night, placing the blunt in-between his lips and sucking the smoke into his mouth. before even inhaling, he pulled your bottom lip down with his thumb and put his lips on yours, releasing the thick smoke into your mouth. 

  your once lidded eyes were now widened, your hand quickly came up to grab at oikawa’s arm. he pulled away quickly, chuckling at how you choked on the smoke - eyes watering up again just as they had done before. 

  “you-” you choked out another cough, “asshole.”

  oikawa raised an eyebrow at you, reveling in the way his best friends laughed from the sidelines at your expense.

  “mmm, i don't think you're in any position to be calling me names.”

  you glared up at him, quickly blinking away the stray tears that remained in-between your lashes.

  “oh, and what position would that be?” the fire you held before was coming back, and this time it wasn't because you wanted to prove yourself.

  no, you just wanted to see how far you could push him. 

  a familiar large hand came up instinctively to wrap around your throat, pushing you against the couch once again as he tauntingly held the burning blunt inches away from your face. 

  “i wouldn't test me, darling. clearly, you aren't aware of how far i'll go to put a bitch like you in your place.” he spat down at you, his eyes were dark and he was still holding the glowing blunt way too close to your face for your liking.

  but you couldn't stop yourself, you kept pushing and pushing. 

  “show me then. i’m not getting any younger here, am i?” 

  a laugh was heard from your right, it was quickly muffled as mattsun slapped a hand over the mouth of its carrier: makki, of course.

  oikawa clicked his tongue at your confidence, knowing damn well that you'd regret it later. 

  “sure, i’ll show you.” he spoke in a low voice as he brought the hand holding his blunt down your body, stopping when he reached your thigh. you sucked in a nervous breath in anticipation, the burning bud was only a centimeter away from the smooth skin of your exposed thigh. your heartbeat was increasing and you felt your blood running cold, you opened your mouth to protest at the last moment, but the sadistic man beat you to it.

  you felt a burning sensation press into the outside of your thigh, causing you to immediately grab at oikawa’s arm with a shrill scream escaping your mouth. the man only laughed above you, nudging your death grip on his arm off with ease.

  “what’s the matter? i thought you could handle it.” he jutted his bottom lip out to feign a sorrowful expression, you wanted to kill him. 

  “you just- you just fucking burned me.” your chest was heaving and you felt yourself slowly getting terrified at what would come next.

  the boys next to you were silent as they watched the scene unfold, oikawa could only smirk down at you. 

  he pulled another hit out of the blunt and dipped his head in-between the crevice of your neck and shoulder. you tensed at the feeling of his lips being so close to your skin, then relaxed when you felt him blow the warm smoke into your skin. the subtle feeling of the warmth from the smoke ghosting over your skin almost made you moan out loud. instead, your body betrayed you with a shudder.

  “mmm, something tells me you liked that. don't act so innocent, little slut.” your breath hitched at his words.

  “just because i may have liked that, doesn't mean i enjoyed being used as an ashtray.” you gestured towards your scorned thigh.  

  he chuckled lowly at you, then brought his free hand down towards the burn mark left in your skin and pressed his thumb against it slowly. this time, the painful feeling of a sting in your skin forced a guttural moan out of your throat, instead of a screech. you instinctively brought your hand up to cover your mouth, eyes wide in embarrassment. 

  “really? ‘cause i think you do.” oikawa laughed at your obvious humiliation and pulled your hand away from your mouth, rolling his eyes in the process.  

  “c’mon, quit acting like a damn prude still, darling. admit you're enjoying this shit.” mattsun spoke from his spot on the couch, now resting his right arm over the side of the couch to get a better look at you. 

  you scoffed at him, cocking your head towards him in response. 

  “i thought i was a brat, not a prude anymore.” 

  makki chuckled at your rebuttal.

  “’kawa, i think she’s getting a little too feisty again, you might wanna smoke her out again.” 

  you almost choked at his words, quickly whipping your head back to face oikawa. you felt your stomach drop at the devilish smirk he gave you. 

  you were just beginning to sober up, and they already wanted you dumbed down again? 

  “fair point, makki. i can't fuck her while she’s running her mouth like this, right?”

  before you knew it, your mouth was being filled with smoke again. oikawa restarted his method of sucking on the blunt before pressing his lips to yours again. your mind was entering a similar haze as before once again, body also being filled with warmth and pleasure as oikawa began rubbing his bare cock against your pussy. 

  before sliding in, he pressed his shortening blunt against your skin once more - this time, on the fat of your right hip. you pleasantly moaned at both the pain and pleasure from the sensation this time, and oikawa couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of your walls visibly crashing down. 

  he didn't even give you a second to adjust to the searing pain you felt on your skin before he was thrusting into you, causing you to practically scream at the feeling of his cock stretching you out. 

  “oh, f-fuck.” your nails made their home on the skin of his back, sinking into his smooth flesh in response to the pain you felt in your core. to your dismay, the numbing feeling that spread across your body from your high didn't help at all to prevent the newfound pain from oikawa’s cock entering you. 

  “god, look at her. our little virgin mary is being corrupted.” mattsun’s deep voice was heard from across the couch. you were surprised to look over and see him fisting his own girthy cock while staring down at you, makki and iwa were doing the exact same thing. 

  oikawa chuckled breathlessly at his comment, earning your attention back to him. 

  “shit, you're tighter than i expected, princess.” his bottom lip was caught between his teeth, his eyes were slightly hooded from his approaching high, and his tattoo littered arms were flexed in front of you for support - you decided you had never been more turned in your entire life. 

  “move, please.” you begged breathlessly, head feeling hazy and numb, while your body felt extremely sensitive to the touch. your senses were heightened once again and it had you craving an orgasm more than ever. 

   “since you asked so politely.” oikawa’s hips began snapping at that moment, hard thrusts sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. 

  next to you, the three boys began pumping their cocks with more fervor, pace quickening in time with oikawa’s. 

  oikawa didn't cease his antics of blowing smoke into your mouth either. with his cock slamming into you at such an ungodly speed, your lips were constantly parted open - leaving him easy access to fill up your lungs with the same smoke you disdained so much. 

  your body was betraying your mind. physically, you felt fucking amazing - but mentally, you wanted to yell at oikawa to quit his abuse on your lungs. 

  “q-quit it with the smoke. i think i’m high enough.” you stumbled over your words.

  oikawa bit down on your neck in response to your distaste, hot breath fanning over your ear to whisper lowly, “quit being a fucking brat first, and take what i give you.” 

  you shut your mouth obediently, until makki chimed in.

  “you should be grateful that oikawa is being so generous as to blow his weed into your mouth without making you do a damn thing. say thank you, slut.” his words were harsh and gritted through his clenched teeth as he pumped his cock harder, eyes burning into your skin. 

  you whimpered at his pitiless words and at the feeling of oikawa thrusting into you with more power, clearly encouraged by his friends praise.

  “i-” your remark was cut off by oikawa’s firm hand around your throat once more.

  “what do you have to say to me?” his eyes burned into yours, telling you that his question was not actually a question, but a demand. 

  “t-thank you, oikawa.” your eyes were brimming with tears from the lack of oxygen circulating towards your brain. 

  he only squeezed harder.

  “what's my fucking name.” his lips were ghosting over yours now, his hot breath only added to the heat that was already evident on your face. 

  your bottom lip wobbled, you had no idea what kind of name he would like. if you guessed wrong, what would he do?

  “thank you, sir.” you silently prayed you chose the right one, and your prayer was granted as oikawa removed his tight grip from your throat and smashed his lips onto yours - practically growling into the kiss. 

  you moaned into his mouth as you felt the pleasure in your stomach building up at an increasingly fast speed. your head was spinning and your body was on fire, you never felt better in your life.

  “feels...so fucking good.” your words came out in pants. you could barely think straight anymore; your mind was only filled with oikawa’s cock and the impending numbness from weed. 

  your attention was snatched from oikawa as you heard a deep guttral moan come from the side of you, it was iwaizumi’s. the once quiet man was becoming more vocal as his own orgasm was approaching.

  “yeah, you like getting high and getting fucked in front of random strangers you just met, huh?” your face burned at his surprising words, never did you expect to hear such a sentence come from (what you thought was) such a polite man’s mouth. 

  then again, you never even expected you would ever be in a situation like this before either. 

  “y-yes, i do.” your walls had broken down and they could all see it. there was no more sticking your nose up at them anymore, no more bratty comments at the expense of their drug of choice, and no more pretending like you weren't enjoying yourself tonight - because you clearly were. 

  the boys chuckled all at once at your sudden submission, but oikawa wasn't surprised. 

  there was only a small bud left of what was the blunt in oikawa’s hand, but he manage to suck one more hit out of it. you parted your lips with expectations of him to release the puff of smoke into your mouth, but to your surprise, he ducked his head above your left breast and let out the smoke slowly over your perked nipple. the subtle sensation left goosebumps all over your body, causing you to moan under his soft touch.

  see, unbeknownst to you, oikawa was a man of observation - and he couldn't help but become blatantly aware of your body’s hypersensitivity to the small, subtle actions he went about. whether it be from the weed or from your inexperience in sexual situations, oikawa didn't know. he just knew he was extremely fascinated and infatuated with the way your body reacted to him. 

  he bored down into your lidded, reddening eyes, your lips were parted as you panted out his name and the look on your face only told him that you were gone.

  he swore he had never fucked somebody prettier than you, he silently hoped one day he'd get to see you with your lips wrapped around his cock. 

  unable to help himself, oikawa stuck his thumb into your mouth, pushing the digit as far in as it would go. 

  you were taken aback by the action at first, but your mind was quickly put at ease by the warm feeling of being filled by him in two different places at once. you swirled your tongue around his finger, both sucking on it and licking it.

  the sight in front of him had his knees practically buckling above you, he couldn't fight the approaching feeling of his orgasm unraveling before him. 

  “you're gonna be a good little girl and let me cum inside you, yeah?” his voice was hoarse, moans and grunts beginning to spill from his lips more while he looked down at you with complete darkness in his eyes. 

  god, you weren't thinking straight.

  but you really didn't care. 

  you nodded as best as you could with the spinning feeling inside your head, body filling to the brim with pleasure as you felt your own orgasm approaching you. oikawa quickened his pace as he felt your cunt squeezing his girth, almost like your body had a mind of its own to suck him dry. 

  “such a little slut, letting you fill her up with smoke and cum.” mattsun’s deep voice was heard from beside iwaizumi. his eyes were still glued to your form and the head of his cock was a bright red, begging for release. 

  “let’s see you try and act fucking innocent again after this.” makki added with a chuckle, he was just as close to finishing as his friend. 

  you moaned helplessly at their ridicules, feeling your coil so close to snapping.

  “god, you fucking revel in the attention don't you? you're literally getting off from being watched like this, so exposed and vulnerable.” mattsun spoke up again.

  yours and oikawa’s labored breathing harmonized as you both got closer and closer to your releases. 

  “they're right, you're such a little fucking attention whore. sucking in my cock like that while my friends watch. you're so desperate, it’s pathetic.” oikawa was internally amazed at himself for being able to muster a complete sentence out while his cock was so close to being practically milked. 

  you whined in response, your cheeks heating up. you didn't care about anything else, you just wanted to cum. 

  “p-please, i'm so close.” you cried out, tears beginning to brim at your eyes. 

  “fuck. cum, cum princess.” the voice came from your right side, your eyes trailed over to the source, being iwaizumi. 

  oikawa scoffed, “you don't listen to anyone else, got that? just me, sweetheart.” he shot daggers with his eyes towards iwaizumi, and he shot them right back at oikawa. 

  you blinked your eyes at oikawa, not realizing the competitive banter between them until now.

  “let her fucking cum already, ‘kawa.” iwa growled at his best friend, his cock was an angry red. you could tell he just wanted to finish, as well as makki and mattsun. 

  oikawa gritted his teeth, knowing damn well that his orgasm was approaching too. 

  “alright, cum for me, slut. squeeze my fucking cock with that pretty little cunt of yours, okay?” 

  his wish was your command, and it’s not like you were able to hold back anymore, anyway.

  you felt the coil snap inside you; already fuzzy mind going completely blank, mouth dropping open in a silent scream, and thighs shaking around oikawa’s torso. he felt your cunt pulse around his cock and he couldn't help how quick his orgasm followed after yours, teeth instinctively latching onto your shoulder as he pumped you full of his semen. 

  oikawa helped you ride out your high as he slowed down his thrusts, eventually ceasing them. your orgasm combined with oikawa’s was so intense, that you failed to even acknowledge that the three boys next to you were coming too, fists beginning to slow down their movements. 

  after a few minutes of collective panting heard throughout the room, makki broke the silence.

  “holy shit.”

  you agreed, holy shit was right. 

  after passing out on oikawa’s couch from pure exhaustion, the sobering-up man carried you, with some effort, to his room to spend the night. being the gentleman he was, he tucked you in carefully under the covers of his bed and set up a somewhat comfortable sleeping arrangement for himself on the living room couch. 

  before retreating to his makeshift bed to crash on for the night, he peaked into his room once more - eyes scanning over your sleeping figure as you slept soundly. he noticed that while you slept, all the worry and pouting that was usually so evident on your face seemed to fade away. you look relaxed, at ease even. he thought maybe you just needed to loosen up more, to let your worries fade away every so often, while you lose yourself in the late hours of the night.

  he thought that maybe, he could be the one to teach you how. 

[lousyglitch]

about twitter (or how I learned to get back to worrying and stop loving the bomb)

Maybe a global 'public square' doesn't lead to worldwide empathy, but to a planet-sized arena of miscommunication where a 15 y/o english student with ADHD fights a 53 y/o cuban programmer over the ethics of self-diagnosis with both sides throwing personal anectodes at the other.

I don't wanna think that's the case, I wanna believe in the promise of the internet, but I'm not sure I can point to the algorithm filter bubbles or even the low character limit and state that that's the cause of all our problems.

It makes things *worse* though, don't get me wrong.

Wait, no, my whole point is that you *will* probably get me wrong, cause we probably don't share the same (or are even cognizant of each other's) cultural background, experience, neurodivergences or even mother tongue, twitter is a final fantasy boss designed by Wittgenstein.

All these barriers *can* be crossed if we come from a place of curiosity rather than judgement and take the time to learn about each other, but we're not gonna (and can't) do that to 500 strangers every day, and that sucks, I love the lack of structure in twitter .. in theory.

But maybe tumblr (and even reddit) work a bit better *because* they're more atomized (tumblr isn't as organized, but you're still far less exposed to random stuff from completely outside your circles), the dream of the mega-agora is appealing, and maybe someone somewhere will make a version of it that really will nail it, that will lead to people understanding and valuing their differences, but the versions of it we've had so far just remove all context from everyone we meet, which lead to more and more generalizations, cause that's how we came to think about each other.

My primarily experience with "popular tweets" was seeing broad sweeping statements about "men" or "women", or "incel cryptobros" or "leftist sjws", even sillier labels like "swfties" or "k-pop stans", the average interaction there is trying to figure out which boxes someone fits to speedrun human interaction, and that's... how an algorithm thinks.

I don't even think it's wrong, I did my best to communicate I fit the boxes "anarchist", "adhd", "non-binary", "artist", "retro sci-fi anime fan", I block alt-right weirdos on sight and make fun of checkmarks, I have practically pre-written replies to some kinds of people, but every now and then I feel the slight existential dread of realizing I could program a bot to do *the exact same thing*.

That's not what I wanna use my brain for, I've read big threads of different people fighting in different years play out virtually the exact same way, we're responding to decontextualization by adopting the same generalized signals, and I don't wanna become a bot, man.

What I mean is that neural networks trained to "sound human" are fed countless tweets by random people from all walks of life to try to mimic this amorphous idea of a vague human who doesn't have any of the individual qualities of a person.

And that's what I was doing, too.

I had a tumblr before, ages ago. I was still checking boxes then, mainly about fandoms, and every version of living online will involve some of that. But I believe that there's a healthy version to be achieved, communicating shorthands for who you are and what you like so you can find potentially likeminded people. Maybe I can achieve that here, again.

I think I did once, when I was too young to even realize it, and then I left it all and swam towards the social media event horizon.

See, the thing about working from home, online, is that I never really stopped spending the majority of my time in a computer, more than most of my IRL friends, most of whom have real world jobs and are sure as hell a lot closer to a balance than I am.

I kept thinking of the internet like entertainment, not too different from TV or video-games, so I kept looking to what drew my attention more effectively, just go where the current takes me, why would I put rules on fun? But it hasn't been fun. It hasn't been fun for a while, now. Because I didn't give myself rules, and the "current" metaphor doesn't work when there's an actual poseidon made of code controlling the direction of the currents.

Sometimes, you have to consciously chase the fun.

So, you know, hi.

[bruhstories]

Bloodlust

Summary: You were a rookie Jashinist with a dark secret, he was a demented shinobi with a desire to slaughter anything and everything for his god. Pairing: Hidan x Fem!Reader (canon verse) Warnings & Content: dark content - minors dni, language, blood kink, kidnapping, murder, oral sex (male receiving), vaginal fingering, unprotected sex, knives, human sacrifice, cult-like behaviour, religious fanatism, Reader and Hidan are... insane, slight gore. Word Count: 2.8 k

A/N: Read those tags carefully. Hidan's not exactly a warm and fuzzy character.

"Please, let me go... I won't tell anyone." You peeled your lips open, dry from all the crying and lack of hydration, hairs stuck to your sweaty forehead.

"Let you go? But... you came here willingly." He sneered, flashing you his teeth.

He was right. You joined the Jashinists thinking they were a liberal religion, preaching freedom and anarchy, but you did not expect sadism and human sacrifices. And you didn't expect to fall in love with Hidan — the most vile man you've ever encountered. Not that he knew that, anyway. He couldn't possibly fathom the idea that a sweet thing like you could love a man like him. But you weren't a saint.

"T-then why are you doing this to m-me?" You breathed, the ropes around your wrists cutting the blood circulation in your hands.

Hidan clicked his tongue and placed his scythe on the floor. "Because I can." He picked up a knife — no, a kunai. "And because you wanted to run away."

Ah, there it was. You decided to leave this cult when Hidan prompted you to kill some poor ninja he'd kidnapped a few days ago. You refused, expecting to be left alone, and now you were the sacrifice.

"I t-told you, I- I only kill those who deserve it."

"Everyone deserves it, Y/N. Especially traitors." Hidan traced the blade over your exposed abdomen, goosebumps dotting your skin and you were ashamed to admit that it made you feel... something.

"So, you're just g-going to kill m-me?"

"Don't be sad. You'll make a fine fucking sacrifice for Jashin."

"Please, Hidan, give m-me another c-chance." Tears pooled at your eyes. Death was not on your list, not now, and especially not at his hands.

"You know we don't give second chances." The blade was now between your tits, the tip slowly poking into your skin. Crimson droplets seeped from the fresh wound. It stung like a bitch, and it made you whimper, but the heat in your cunt signalled your arousal.

"You d-don't, but Jashin does." You whispered, and Hidan was completely taken aback.

"Excuse you?"

"Every t-time you failed to kill someone, hengave you another c-chance." You spat at him. "What m-makes you think he won't g-give me one?"

Confused wouldn't even begin to describe what he felt. Hidan blinked slowly, trying to comprehend the question before he dropped the kunai and left without a word.

You didn't know exactly how much time passed since he left. By this point you couldn't feel your fingers and the room began to spin, head dizzy from exhaustion. The door swung open and you shot your head up, startled by the sudden intrusion. Hidan walked in with a terrifying look on his face and bent down to grab the blade. He slashed the first rope and your hand fell limp by your hip.

"You're lucky he's a benevolent god." He slashed the second rope and your knees hit the cold, hard floor. Fear, happiness and anxiety coiled in your stomach, surprised that you have, indeed, been given a second chance.

"You talked to him?" You shook your wrists to get the blood flowing, eyes finding his.

"Yes, and surprisingly he likes you. Says you have potential." His voice went up an octave when uttering the last word in what seemed to be sarcasm.

Still on the floor, you arched a brow. "Do you doubt his judgement?" You suspected it was a mistake to ask that question, because in a split second Hidan yanked your hair and pulled your head back to look at him upside-down.

"I'll die before I doubt the good lord. Who I doubt is you." He pierced your soul with his sangria eyes, chills running down your spine, stopping in-between your thighs. You hated the effect he had over you, you hated that he was so oblivious to your hints, only focused on Jashin. Always Jashin.

Granted, Jashin did offer Hidan immortality, which was something you could only dream of. You were a pathetic civilian with a knack for medical jutsu, but never properly trained. He was a full-fledged shinobi who could snap your neck like a twig if he wanted to. And he wanted to.

But, the word of Jashin was law for Hidan. As much as he wanted to sacrifice you to his beloved god, he had to refrain himself, fearing punishment for his sins. And as much as he hated to admit it, you shared and valued the same goals of Jashinism — to a certain extent. You were down to slaughter people, but only those who deserved it, and apparently to Jashin that was enough. But not to Hidan. Never to Hidan.

"Jashin says I have potential, it's not up to you to talk back." You mustered up some courage after your wounds healed. That medical jutsu thing you practised for self-healing really came in handy when Hidan had violent outbursts and Kakuzu wasn't there to put him in his place. Shame you didn't know how to use it to heal others.

"Listen here, you little bitch, just because you've been pardoned now doesn't mean I'll hesitate to stab your tits when you disobey the lord." He let go of your hair and you leaned forward, palms on the floor to stop you from falling. "Besides, you're gonna have to prove yourself. Again."

You knew exactly what he meant. You had to kill. And Hidan wasn't one to let you off the hook — you'd have to kill someone innocent, and the idea of performing such a sacrifice made your stomach churn, it made you want to throw up, because you knew you'd enjoy it. Murdering someone deserving felt like a chore, like something natural. But the thought of killing someone undeserving made your heart flutter, your cunt burn and your head hazy with a high so addictive, no drug in the world could compare to it.

"Don't make me kill someone, please."

"Oh, spare me of your holier-than-thou bullshit. You either kill or be killed, Y/N. Now let's get to fucking work." Hidan bruised your arm in the process of 'helping' you up, unaware of the pleasant surprise that lurked within you. Because if he knew the real you, he'd probably question his own sanity — and that's something he'd never done. The real you was obscene, twisted and demented, long before you discovered Jashinism, but you tried to bury that part of you deep down. You seemingly succeeded, focusing your bloodlust on anarchy and overthrowing the Tsuchikage with a group of punk teenagers from your village, Iwagakure.

Until you met Hidan.

"I really don't want to do this." You pleaded with the silver-haired man, hands trembling and eyes watery.

"Kill him, Y/N." Hidan rolled his eyes, the blades of his scythe pressing into your back as you pressed your kunai into the victim's neck. "Kill him or I kill you."

"Alright, alright, I'll do it. But give me some space."

"Tch, pretentious bitch." He stepped aside, watching you carefully.

"More space." You demanded and he took another step back with an impatient look on his face.

"There's only one exit to this cave. If you think, for a fucking second, that you walk out of here alive you're wrong. Unless you kill him." Hidan licked his lips. "Jashin demands a sacrifice. Now."

You looked down at the symbol drawn with the victim's blood, then back at the man in front of you. His eyes were wide open and filled with tears, arms chained to then wall of the cave. He frantically shook his head, saliva dripping from his gag as he prayed for salvation.

"I'm so sorry." You spoke — not sorry for the victim, but for yourself and what you'd become after this day. Slender fingers lifted his chin upwards and with one swift movement, you slit open the skin, blood gushing out, spraying your face, neck and cleavage. "Fuck..." You moaned, the hot crimson liquid dripping down your chin.

"See, it wasn't so bad." Hidan elbowed you but you didn't move, instead, you gripped the blade handle tightly and drove it into the victim's abdomen, more blood spluttering on you when you removed it. "Oh, you want more?" The rogue shinobi quirked a brow, content with your choice. Adrenaline and arousal rushed through your veins and you dropped the kunai, the clanging echoing in the cave.

"Hidan..." You trailed off, tentatively unzipping your black cloak. "I want you to fuck me."

The silver-haired man watched you smear the blood over your exposed tits, his cock twitching in his pants. Finally, he realised just how beautiful you truly were, the pure ecstasy on your face igniting a flame in his core.

"Here?" He asked, somewhat surprised by your request.

"Yes, please." You turned around to face him, and the look on his face told you just how impressed he was.

"Now aren't you just so full of surprises? And here I thought you were just some goodie two-shoes who refused to harm people." Hidan removed his Akatsuki cloak, letting it fall to the ground, allowing you to see just how hard he was. You bit on your lower lip, the metallic taste was pure bliss in your mouth. "You filthy, disgusting whore." He sneered, his lips crushing yours in a shameful, euphoric kiss. The moment his tongue touched the blood in your mouth, his skin began to darken, his body linking with the victim's, meaning he hasn't died yet.

"Isn't he going to feel everything?" You pulled back from the kiss, but your voice wasn't in any way concerned about the man chained to the wall.

"Oh, he's going to feel it, alright." Hidan laughed, his hand pushing your head as you lowered yourself down your knees. Fingers tugged at the waistband of his pants and you pulled down both of the layers, his cock slapping your face. "Suck."

You obediently parted your lips, taking the velvety tip into your mouth, tongue swirling around it before you moved to his shaft. Hidan threw his head back, his fingers tangling in your hair as you bobbed your head back and forth, your moans music to his ears. The gurgling sounds coming from the victim told you that he, indeed, felt everything Hidan felt and your twisted mind enjoyed it so fucking much. You picked up the pace, earning grunts and growls from the rogue shinobi before he held your head in place, stuffing your mouth and throat with his thick cock until you dug your fingers in his thigh, desperately trying to breathe.

"Jashin was right to give you a second chance." Hidan released you and you gasped for air. "You're his gift for me."

The blood on your body dried out, but you were just as beautiful. You leaned on your back, spreading your legs for him. It was a smart decision not to wear anything underneath your cloak. The silver-haired man kneeled between your thighs, his hands bruising your skin with rough touches before he found your dripping cunt.

"Shit, Y/N, you're soaking wet." He shoved two fingers between your folds, curling them upwards. You squirmed and moaned, desperate for something bigger.

"S-skip the foreplay and fuck m-me!" You begged but Hidan wasn't one to listen. He thrusted his fingers in and out of you, enjoying the way you thrashed and moaned his name, enjoying the way you arched your back with every movement.

"You're so beautiful." He confessed and you were caught off guard. It was the first time he ever said something nice to you, let alone compliment you. "You really are a sight for sore fucking eyes." Hidan removed his fingers but before you could say anything, he shoved them in your mouth. "Don't you taste like a needy slut?"

You nodded with lidded eyes, cheeks hollowed as you sucked the slick off of fingers. Hidan hovered over you, his cock grazing over your slit and aching clit, then kissed you with so much force and passion you almost couldn't breathe.

"Fuck, you taste good." He grabbed his shaft and pushed the tip painstakingly slowly between your folds. Oh, he was so much bigger than you expected, but you quickly got accustomed to his girth, mouth agape and eyes rolled back in pleasure.

"Shit- Hidan!" You bucked your hips, legs wrapping around his waist as he wrapped his calloused fingertips around your neck.

"Jashin damn it, you are so tight. You're not a fucking virgin, are you?"

You shook your head, fingernails digging into his back and the victim gurgled again. Hidan released the grip from your neck, instead holding you by the hips and frenziedly pulling you onto his cock. It was sinful, degrading and demented, and his brutal, animalistic thrusts only turned you on more. The sound of skin against skin, growls and moans echoed in the cave, and soon enough Hidan's bone-like markings faded. You didn't care, he was still buried into your cunt, but the thrill of having your pussy obliterated next to a dying man dissipated, replaced by the pure lust Hidan radiated.

"Fuck, I'm-"

"No, you're not. Not until I fucking allow it." The silver-haired man pulled out and you cried, literal tears pooling at your eyes as you were on the brink of an orgasm. "You've been a bad, bad, girl, denying Jashin, denying slaughter, denying me." He gave your cunt a firm slap which vibrated through your entire body, ending with a whimper.

"Y-you have n-no idea how m-much I want you, Hidan." You squeezed your thighs together for a crumb or friction, but he forcefully pushed your knees to the sides.

"Then you should listen. See what a good job you've done today?" He tilted his head to the chained corpse.

"You d-don't understand... I've g-got an insatiable bloodlust." You admitted, but you knew he'd only be more intrigued.

"That's exactly why you've been drawn to Jashinism." Hidan flipped you over, and you were down on all fours. He pushed his cock back in you with one deep thrust, earning another moan out of you. "Embrace it, Y/N. You and I can do great things together, for him."

"But it's wrong." You whispered and you could feel his arm slithering around your neck, pulling you closer to him.

"And who told you that? Society? Your parents? Nah, I'll be your daddy from now on." His fat cock brushed against your cervix, your silken walls clenching around it as he fucked you harder. "You wanna come, don't you?"

"Oh, yes!"

"Yes, what?" Hidan tightened the grip, your back against his chest.

"Yes, daddy! Please, I want it, I want it!" You whimpered.

"And are you going to give Jashin everything he wants?"

It was decided — Hidan stripped you of any speck of humanity or rationality you had left in you. You loved him, after all, and he loved Jashin.

"Yes, I will! Jashin can have anything he wants as long as I have you."

"Good girl." He kissed your head before releasing your neck, hands gripping your hips to hold you in place. "Nowyou can come."

Your cunt was aching for release, and you mustered enough strength to rub your clit in messy, circular motions. Soon enough, you felt it coming — the rush of adrenaline as Hidan fucked into you, fingers pinching your sore nipples. You came on his cock with a soft moan and with one final, violent thrust he fills you up, cum dripping from your sloppy cunt as he pulls out. You rolled on your back, propping yourself on your elbows and Hidan froze, the sight of your used and abused pussy hypnotising him.

"Like what you see?" You grinned, fingers tentatively grazing over your slit, dipping between your folds before you brought them to your mouth to taste his seed.

"Shit, I think I'm in love." His sangria eyes bore into yours and your heart fluttered. You knew he was an asshole, and he probably only said it in the heat of the moment, but you were satisfied with what you got.

"What about him?"

"Meh, Kakuzu will take care of the mess. I wanna take a fucking bath." Hidan picked his red and black cloak up from the floor before getting up. "And I'm starving."

You pursed your lips and lowered your gaze. So much for being in love with you.

"You coming to the hot springs?"

"Me?"

"As much as I adore seeing you covered in blood, that shit's dry and crusty." He threw you your cloak.

"You wanna take a bath... with me?"

"Yes? The fuck are you acting so surprised? I just said I'm in love with you but you're surprised I wanna take a bath with you?"

"You know what, stop talking." You rolled your eyes and got up.

"I think the fuck not."

"Fuck's sake, Hidan, let's go."

"Fuckin' crazy bitch."

[ftstorm]

My take on 5x10

Welp, that was a big one!

You know, before going into this episode I reminded myself this was the first episode of a new era, the first episode completely made by the new team.

So with that in mind my expectations were "Okay, let's see what they've got."

And oh boy did they surprise me.

DISCLAIMER: this text post is long af, not kidding.

1. THE INTRO SCENE.

You guys have no idea how glad I am that we got Mac doing a usual MacGyvering in his house. It's been ages since they implemented this format of showing his dynamics outside Phoenix and around his house.

I wasn't worried about the proposal thing at all. Guys, you have to accept that MacRiley was always going to happen after that 4x04 episode.

There was also the fact that this was the intro scene (usually the most important plot issues happen in the outro scene), Bozer's weird reaction and the melancholic audio cue.

If that proposal was happening, they would've made it more uplifting.

(I gotta say that watching Monica Marcer and the official MacGyver account making damage control in Twitter 3mins into the episode was a funny experience)

So my initial questions about Mac wanting to propose were: "what are his motivations?" and "how is this not going to work out by the end of the episode?"

The second question we got the answer later on. The first question remains unanswered. If we take on Mac's words, he says:

Mac: Unexpected, I know, I know. But that's why I like about it. You know ever since I lost my dad and Jack I've been thinking about the bigger picture. A commitment to make things work it's exactly what Desi and I need. A grand romantic gesture. *cue melancholic music*

Here we're presented with a bunch of things worth analysing, in my opinion.

He's trying to see the "bigger picture" which, for me, it means he's trying to tackle down different issues from his life with one specific, efficient action [the proposal]. Those issues being:

> his current romantic relationship: make is aware they have an inconsistent relationship > his performance at work: he needs balance between his personal affairs and his work, which is based on saving the world in a daily basis and for that he needs to be focused. > dealing with his past losses: to my understanding, saying "ever isn I lost my dad and Jac I've been thinking about the bigger picture" means that he doesn't want hopelessness to take over him, he wants to keep on moving and being proactive about his life.

So... you have to understand that in some sort of way, this proposal thing is a signal that Mac is healing. In some sort of way, if you were in Mac's shoes you would see that it was a positive thing for him. A step forward.

The thing is, we [the audience] have an extended understanding of the situation and we know that an engagement would be an incredibly rushed decision.

As well as it is that Mac's trying to move forward, he obviously hasn't been able to pinpoint the true issue behind his relationship with Desi. He isn't wrong about them lacking in the commitment department, but forcing the relationship to scalate isn't the right move. He should be asking himself: "Why are we avoiding commitment?"

And that's when he'd find out that they have very deep and important trust and communication issues.

~~~~

2. Moving on. MURDOC.

Russ: I can process it more efficiently by having it all spread out ahead me, you know. I reckon see the bigger picture at once.

This is when I realized that the episode was centered on this whole "bigger picture" idea. Russ struggles to see the full picture until the very end and Mac finds out that he hasn't been seeing the full picture of his life at all by the end of the episode.

Fast forward, the team's in Mexico, Riley knows about the ring already and she has already had the talk with Bozer in which she refers to her feelings for Mac in a past tense.

Then Murdoc appears.

And as if the episode wasn't already a rollercoaster after Mac's reveal, now Murdoc shows up to put everything upside down.

First I gotta say, man Dastmalchian is SUCH A GOOD MURDOC. Excellent actor. The way he delivers his lines, his facial expressions, all of it make an original and very entertaining Murdoc.

He always gives me such a Andrew Scott's Moriarty vibes and I love it.

Secondly, his dynamic with Andrews: *cheff kiss*

I loved how Andrews was so over Murdoc's theatrics, to the point his facial expression screamed "Why did I even reclute this guy" LOL.

Back to the story.

This is something I was hoping it wouldn't happen but at the same time I don't see another way it could've happened which is the explanation behind Murdoc's escape and how Phoenix didn't know about it.

Because what they told us is that the FBI didn't let them in on Murdoc's escape, right? Does that imply that the FBI has a corrupt agent in charge? Does it imply that the order of not letting Phoenix in came from above? Maybe someone with higher clearence than Matty? A politician? Governement conspiracy?

It smells like plot hole, tbh. I feel like the Murdoc's escape is a classic "it is what it is". We'll see if they come back to this in later episodes.

~~~~

3. BIG SECRET REVEAL 1.

By now we're at the point of the rollercoaster where you're going up and up and up. Your tension building more and more as you're getting close to the drop.

Bozer and Riley's audio was the drop.

You know, during this scene I jumped from my seat, closed my eyes, cringed, squealed, my heart accelarated, forgot how to breathe...

As a person who is a little bit bipolar when it comes to romance (I can be very shy about it or very outspoken about it) that scene made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

Imagine having your feelings exposed not only to the person you have feelings for but also his girlfriend who happens to be your friend, your boss and the criminal that's threatening to kill hundreds of people.

I was like: "Not like this!!"

And Mac's reaction didn't help because of the lack of it. I don't know what I expected but his slightly monotone reaction broke my heart.

Thankfully, I've recovered since then and I don't mind that it happened that way.

Still, imagine how suffocating it must've been for Riley. That idea was what made me so uncomfortable and I think that's what they were going for. They wanted to make it as straightforward and awkward as possible.

But it doesn't end there. It's followed by Mac revealing the ring to Desi (and Riley). Mac's in "fuck it" mood and Desi kinda panics.

Little side note here, using GUM and a DIAMOND to break a bullet proof glass... BIG YES. That's an intrinsic MacGyverism.

~~~~

4. BIG SECRET REVEAL 2.

Then we get a breather from this drama by introducing another drama, Leanna's death.

Bozer's reaction to the news was heartbreaking for my already heartbroken heart.

I have my suspicions as to why they decided to kill her... The other episode completely made by the new team was the Quarantine one (5x06). During that episode Mac and Bozer bond over Bozer's pain. After learning about Bozer's mom, Mac chooses to share a piece of his own pain with him.

So, hear me out, I think they writers are planning to help Mac process his own grief THROUGH Bozer's grief. Keep in mind that we still have a Bozer centered episode coming up.

This is just a theory. I may be wrong, but I think it may be right too.

Back to the episode.

Once again we see a three dimensional Russ. He does something accordingly to his own judgement thinking it's the right decision [hiding Leanna's death], he realizes he screwed up, he gives Bozer a very heartfelt apology about it.

Henry's acting talent shone with this narrative. Actually, most of the actors had the chance to shine THANKS to the NARRATIVE. Murdoc, Andrews, Desi, Mac, Russ and Bozer... they all had their highlight moments (I'll talk about Riley later).

Parenthesis here... THE NARRATIVE HAS RETURNED THEIR SOULS TO OUR DEAR CHARACTERS!

WOW, they aren't brooding, angry, sad or whiny ALL THE EFFIN TIME. ABOUT TIME!

~~~~

5. LAST ACT.

For the third or fouth time in this episode my heart broke again when Mac was friendly towards Riley, after she explained herself. It really felt like he was friendzoning her.

But here's something to point out. Riley visibly relaxed when he reacted that way. What does that tell us?

> She had been so tense up until that point. Imo, she's on the defensive now. You can even see it in her wardrobe, make up and hairstyle choices. They're very contrasting to Riley's most vulnerable moments in this show (like when Audrey broke up with her).

Riley has had a year to sort out her feelings. We see in this episode that she spoke about them in a past tense. Whether she achieved it or not is unknown. We just know that she has at least tried to move on.

> She was mostly afraid of ruining her close relationship with Mac (who's her only family, along with Bozer) and her friendship (?) with Desi. We've seen it over and over again: Riley DID NOT WANT to get in the middle of them.

Keep that in mind as we go in the last scene.

It took me a while to figure out a possible thread of thought inside Mac's mind. Why did he look at the ring and decided to go to Riley's house? It really didn't make sense to me.

One moment he was thinking about his proposal and somehow that lead to him having the necessity to know if Riley still had feelings for him? Why??

My theory is that he went to her apartment for permission.

His question was a way of asking Riley for permission to propose to Desi. It was a way of reassuring himself that proposing was still the right decision.

In a way, he could also be fishing for an excuse to not do it [the proposal].

Because now he has doubts. He's confused, unsure.

Mac asks:

Mac: Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did it go away?

What could her answer have been? Here I wanna go back again to Riley being emotionally defensive, added her strong desire of not wanting to be in the middle of Mac and Desi's relationship.

I think she would've said "Yes, it worked."

Because it also lines up with my idea that the love triangle has changed from "Riley's a better match for Mac" to "Mac needs to win Riley's heart".

Riley's done her job. She worked out her feelings. Now it's time for Mac to sort out his humongously messed up internal self and reignite her spark. That's what I think.

Also, if anyone has any idea on how the song that played in that scene relates with the moment please share it with me because I don't really understand the song choice lol.

~~~~

6. ADDITIONAL COMMENTS

Desi. I'm not sure what's going on in her mind. She seemed stressed out by the ring, very serious about Riley, lenient with Mac... I'm really not sure.

My guess would be that she doesn't want that type of commitment but she wants to be with Mac yet she can't ignore Riley so does that mean she has to end it with Mac? That's the thought process she may have had? Idk...

I'm glad they let her be mature about it, with no overreactions, no whining, no blaming, nothing of that style that we're used to see in her.

I'm also glad about that moment when she defeats Murdoc and Andrews. THAT'S HOW YOU WRITE A TOUGH DESI. It was filmed with such a gracefulness and elegance. I liked it.

From a MacDesi point of view, she's probably being open minded and giving him space and waiting for him to come back to her... but somehow I got the vibe that she's actually... running away?

Lastly but no less important.

THE HISPANIC REPRESANTION OMG. RUSS SPEAKING SPANISH AND THAT CUMBIA MUSIC FILLED MY HEART WITH SO MUCH PRIDE!!! :')

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

I totally understand your point about biological fatherhood vs. familial roles and relationships vs. the stories people tell. We simply don’t know how much Freddie knows about the situation and what he’s being told. I guess my concern is the way he’s being put on display for Briana and Louis’ benefit. Briana has used Freddie to gain followers and stir up fandom drama (remember when F had a temporary tattoo of an anchor, in the same spot Harry does?). The arcade video of Louis and Freddie appeared shortly before the Away from Home Festival. The Tomlinsons being very public about Freddie spending Christmas in Doncaster comes a few months before Louis’ first world tour as a solo artist (and maybe the release of new music). The timing is not mere coincidence. Whether Louis is the father or not, I am troubled by the way the adults in Freddie’s life expose him on social media. Compare it to the way we don’t even know what Bear or Khai’s faces look like and, well, the difference is striking. As I said, we absolutely do not know what is told to Freddie in private. But publicly, Louis is his father. And it’s this disparity that worries me. Even if Freddie is in the dark about this situation right now, it’s not going to stay that way forever. Louis paying Briana’s bills doesn’t give him the right to use a kid as some weird sort of promo. Louis being the biological father doesn’t give him the right to use a kid as some weird sort of promo. That’s my concern: This child’s exposure on social media (for the benefit of other people) when he doesn’t understand the implications and is too young to consent.

So I'm going to pull out a few different threads from here, because I think you're rolling quite a lot of things together.

First of all a general principle - I think it's a pretty shitty thing to do to make up a story about someone and blame them for your story. Therefore if you're going to get into judging people (and even more if you're going to ask other people to join in) you have to be really sure that you know what's going on. Otherwise you can say 'if this is true'.

What really stands out to me is that you're making some huge leaps. You seem to be assuming that Louis being filmed at a distance must have been something he intended and that this video that was only seen among the most engaged was somehow intentionally connected to a gig that was happening a month later.

That seems wildly unlikely to me. Not just 'there are other options', but 'there is absolutely no reason to think that's true'. I've always thought the most likely explanation for the video of Louis and Freddie in the arcade is that they did hang out, and this was just the first time it was caught on camera.

I would make similar points about a lot of other connections you're making. Just because Harry is pretty central to your world doesn't mean he's central to other people's. Why would you assume that a really common fake tattoo of Freddie's had anything to do with Harry?

As to the larger question, I do think that social media and children is very fraught. But there's nothing unique about this particular case. While some famous people hide their children's identity there are lots who don't. And in this era it's not just famous people who are risking that their children might be exposed in ways that they cannot consent to, every parent who posts about their child is taking that risk. In particular, what you see to be judging here is motivations, but you have no idea of their motivations. I'm not particularly into judging the way parents use social media, because it seems complex and hard to navigate to me. But I'm not going to argue with people making those judgements based on what they can do. I will look sideways at people who assume someone else's motivations without evidence and judge them for it.

[gvf-imagines]

Part 1

(Josh/Danny/Jake/Sam x reader)

Warnings: alcohol use, self harm scars

word count:  3252

Thanks to @callmekane for beta reading this fic!

A/N: I’m excited about what this story will bring! This is going to be a very smut filled fan fiction series where the reader has a very sexual and open relationship with all of the boys! I know some people won’t like it I’m sure but all criticism is welcome! Please leave comments and let me know what you think and of course if you have an idea for the story I’m totally open to hearing your thoughts! I hope you enjoy it my friends ❣️

If you’d like to be on the tag-list so you know when I post part 2 just message me or let me know in the comments!

—————————————————————-

You smiled as you ran off stage, the fans were still screaming and kept screaming until the next band took the stage. The air was electric, so many people, all here to enjoy the great communicator that is music. You closed your eyes to take it all in, to just listen and feel. You couldn't believe you were here, playing in front of this many people. This year you shared the stage with another up and coming band by the name of Greta Van Fleet. You hadn't heard of them before recently and they were actually really good. They had so much soul and passion in their music, it was true, raw talent. 

You watched from the side stage as they played their eclectic set. The singer, Josh, really got the crowd going. He had so much energy and was really fun to watch. His voice was incredible, unbelievable even. He had this raspy, elegant twang in his voice, that truly matched perfectly with the music his band was producing. The drummer, Danny (if you remembered correctly), had such a powerful and classic Drumming style. It was full of life and emotion , just like you, he put his all into his performance. He was focused and truly the heart of the music. There was a guitarist and a Bassist, unlike your band which only consisted of you and your best friend. You, the drummer and your friend the singer and guitarist. The bassist, Sam,  had a very cool way about him, his body moved with the music in a way that seemed beyond his control. The guitarist, Jake , was stunning, his hands danced along his guitar so expertly, you could tell he truly enjoyed his time with his instrument. 

When they finished their set, the crowd erupted in a wave of applause and cheers, like bright yellow and orange fireworks booming through the air, you watched with your minds eye, in awe as they exploded and cracked in the sky. The Boys bowed and waved before walking off stage panting and sweating.

“Nice job!, excellent show” you comment smiling. Danny returned the smile with a grateful nod. 

“Aw thank you, I'm sorry I don't think we had a chance to meet before the show, I’m Dan-” he began.

“You're Danny, Sam , Jake , and Josh” you said, pointing to each of them and smiling. They all returned the smile, there was positive energy just radiating from them, you could feel it like a blanket of warmth resting over you. 

“My name is (y/n), it's so nice to meet you guys!” you chime happily. The lead singer, Josh smiles at and you think you catch a small wink as well, making your heart skip a beat. Perhaps you were seeing things. God he's handsome, his sparkling brown eyes, he had more structure in his jawline than you had in your entire life His chestnut hair was gorgeous and curly, his whole look just attracted you to no end. 

Fuck. 

“Hey your performance was super amazing too, your voice is absolutely incredible” Sam complimented, his voice popped all the bubbly thoughts of josh that foamed in your head. Thank goodness. “Yeah! You did an excellent job (y/n). Its one thing to be a good singer when you have three other band members to help you sound good, but you were out there all alone, just your voice and you still blew that crowd away” Danny added. You were blushing for sure now. 

“Yeah your voice is crazy good, we're honored to play alongside you” Jake chimed. 

“Oh wow you guys are gonna make me cry” you chuckle “thank you so much, that means a lot coming from someone with your talent” you reply. Sam waves his hand incredulously as if you were hyping them up and making them out to be better than they really were.. You weren't. They are  awe inspiring musicians.

“Water?” a stagehand offered walking over with a cooler. 

“Oh thank fucking Christ” Josh rendered making a bee line for the cooler. You chuckled, and now that you thought of it your throat was extremely dry from singing as well. Jake nicely offered you the bottle he grabbed with a smile. A true gentleman. 

“Thank you!” you offer as you grab the bottle from him. You practically ripped the cap off and chugged the whole bottle. It was delicious and cold and ran over your tongue and down your throat with a refreshingly cold bite. 

The five of you stand there and re hydrate for a minute before Sam speaks “we should go grab a drink!” he suggests with a slight raise of his perfect eyebrows. The guys look at you in waiting. 

“You wanna join us?” Josh asks, flashing a pearly white smile. You look around at them for a mere second before responding. 

“Sure! Yeah that sounds fun” 

“Right on, I think I saw a bar down the street we can go to” Jake claims as you all head to the doors behind the dressing rooms. 

Rain began to expel from the dark clouds above you as you all headed down the road. Cold air kisses your skin causing you to shiver slightly, you only had on black leather pants and a pink floral pattern blouse that you tied up a bit to expose part of your stomach. It was late, must have been almost midnight by now, the air was heavy with moisture and you could smell the rain soaked cement under your feet. 

“Are you cold?” Josh questions as he walks beside you, he startled you a bit. You smiled and looked at your arms, they were dotted with goosebumps. 

“Yeah kinda” you reply sheepishly. Josh instantly takes off the jean jacket he was wearing and handed it to you. Jake and the others were a few feet behind the two of you carrying on a conversation about the show. You reached out and accepted the jacket, Josh's gaze nonchalantly floated down your arm, his face fell when he noticed the deep scars that peppered across your skin near your wrists. You notice him looking at them before he brings his gaze back up to meet yours. Your cheeks burned with embarrassment and you quickly put the jacket on. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn't mean to stare” he says softly, looking down at the wet street. You knew by the tone in his voice he wasn't judging you. His look was filled with concern, not judgement.

“It's alright, people stare all the time” you responded 

“It doesn't bother me so much anymore, i'm used to it.” you added. Josh nods, a sad look still lingers on his gentle face. His jacket was warm, his scent filled your nose, it was comfortable and soothing, much like the rain that fell from the sky. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye, you could tell he was thinking about something, he had that  thousand yard stare stuck in his eyes. You hadn't known Josh for long but it's not hard to tell when someone is enthralled in thought.

“How long have you been singing?” you ask, trying to pull him from whatever trance he was in. 

“A long time, most of my life really” he answers with a smile. Talking about his music clearly made him happy. He in turn asked you the same question. You laugh before responding. 

“Honestly I've only been singing for a few years….drumming is my real talent and I've been doing that for most of my life, coming up on 18 years” you explain. Josh’s expression shifted from a smile to a look of surprise.

“Wow that’s awesome , are you self taught?” he asks again. You nodded “my dad taught me a few things here and there more when I first started out but, mostly I've taught myself” you said. Josh chuckled with a nod.

“That is really cool” he replied, you could tell by the tone and instance of his voice that he was genuinely impressed. 

“Oo careful on the compliments you've never heard me play before, just because I've been playing for a long time doesn't mean i’m any good” you joke, Josh laughs, shakes his head and nudges your shoulder. 

“Well have to get you behind Danny's kit some time” he implores. Hearing him say that made you happy, it meant he wanted to see you again. 

“You guys did really good tonight, I cant believe I've never heard of you guys before really. It wasn't until my manager told me who I'd be playing with at the festival that I started looking into you guys.” you admit. 

“Thanks you did an excellent job too, i really loved that first song you sang, ‘salt is my sugar’ I really resonated with that one, truly felt it, there's a lot of emotion in your lyrics.

“This is it,” Sam announces opening the front door and holding it for everyone to walk in. the smell of smoke and dark liquor hang heavy in the air. An ACDC song played over the speakers. It wasn't very busy, there was an older man sitting at the bar, a couple younger people playing pool and a few others scattered in booths. It was a total dive bar, a hole in the wall, which was just your style. You all sat at the bar on squeaky worn out bar stools. 

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked, perching himself up with his arms rested on the bar as a washrag sat, oh so typically, on his shoulder as he awaited your response. Jake looked at Josh with a raised brow giving him that ‘get a load of this guy’ look. 

“I'll have a beer,” Danny ordered. 

“Me as well please” Jake adds.

“Southern comfort and seven up for me please” you order next. 

“Hmm I'll have a long island iced tea” Sam says. You look at him holding back a chuckle Huh didn't take him for a long island iced tea kinda guy but to each their own. The bartender looked to josh. 

“Salty dog please” he requests.

“Put your IDs on the counter” the bartender instructs as he turns around to collect everyone's drinks. The five of you did as you were told and laid out your IDs. 

“So where are you guys headed now that the festival is over?” you asked playing with a stained, old coaster that sat in front of you. 

“We’re going back to Michigan for some well deserved time off” Josh responds. 

“For a little while anyways” he adds with a smile. 

“Hey I live in silver city!” you reply happily , silver city was a small town in Michigan closer to the upper peninsula. 

“Small world” you added. What are the chances the two of you lived within a few hours of each other and never met until the both of you played a festival in Los Angeles. 

You turn your attention to the combination of alcoholic drinks that the bartender set in front of you. Everyone reached for theirs offering quick cheers before taking a drink. The carbonation of the seven up burned against your throat before the alcohol sent the warming sensation through your chest and stomach. 

“Ah yum” you said, wincing from the sharpness of the alcohol. Jake laughed as he watched you.

“Not very convincing,” Sam says smiling. You laugh and take another drink. You watch Josh stir his drink lightly with the small straw it came with, he notices you looking. 

“Ever had a salty dog before?” he asks, hoping you say no. 

You simply shake your head in reply. He slides his drink closer to you. 

“We can share if you want, it's really good?” he offers. You look at the pink drink in front of you. 

“What's in it?” you ask. 

“It's just gin and grapefruit juice with a little salt around the rim,” he says. 

“Oh god that sounds horrible” you laugh.

“It's actually not that bad” Danny pipes up with a shrug.

“He made me try it a few weeks ago,” he adds. 

“Alright I'll take your word for it” you smile at Danny. You look back down at the drink. 

“I promise I didn't spike it” Josh chimes.  You laugh loudly, why would he even say that? 

“That's exactly what someone who spiked my drink would say” 

“But I guess I trust you guys” you add before taking a healthy sip of the beverage. 

“Hmm that's not bad!” conclude, it was much sweeter than you thought it would be, it kind of reminded you of orange juice and vodka. Josh nods with an I told you so sort of look on his face. 

“Here, try mine,” Sam says next, handing you his glass. 

“Alright you try mine too” you reply with a smile. Sam's slender fingers brush against yours as he grabs the drink from you , your eyes look to his and he winks. 

Oh god, I can't be attracted to two of them. Honestly, who were you kidding? You were insanely attracted to all of them, how were they ALL so cute and gorgeous? Not fair to the rest of man-kind. 

“Wow this one is super good!” you remark going in for another drink of the long island iced tea. 

“Yeah can you believe there's like 8 different alcohols in there? No tea at all” he laughs, you laughed with him. His laugh was sweet and light, like orange sparkling shards of glass dancing through the air. The five of you began talking about life and learning a lot about each other, ordering more drinks along the way. You could tell the mix of drinks was beginning to take effect on you, you felt warm and relaxed. You were standing next to Danny now, he towered over you, this man was truly a beast.the smell of his cologne wrapped around you. It was oaky and mossy with a hint of citrus, you couldn't help but feel an electrifying pull of attraction to him.

For fucks sake, you curse yourself.  

A few games of pool (which, it turns out Jake is like a God at pool) later you all found yourselves back at the bar carrying on more conversation, albeit more slurred now. It was much easier to open up to people when alcohol was involved. You rolled the sleeves of josh's jacked up, exposing your arms as the alcohol was making you extremely warm.

“What happened to you?” the bartender asks loudly. You and the guys all look at him with hints of confusion. 

“I got the worst concoction of my parents DNA possible” you joke , the boys laugh. Jake nudges your shoulder. 

“Shut up you're gorgeous” he says softly. You give him a quick smile. 

“No. Your arm. What happened to your arm.” the bartender says again, nodding to your scars. You hated when people asked that question, like they didn't know why you had those scars on your wrists. Very few things leave scars like that on skin. You looked around at the guys, josh looked pissed and the others looked saddened as this was the first time they had seen your scars, and they knew damn well what it was from, they weren’t as stupid as this bartender. The air of the bar had shifted, the mood went from fun loving to hostile very quickly. Fuck this guy.

“I got in a fight with a weed wacker” you retort sarcastically. The man rolls his eyes.

“What happened? Did your little boyfriend break up with you? Flunk a class? Your puppy ran away?” he was mocking you. You said nothing in return.

“You're just another one of those emotionally confused little girls, no reason to hate her life.” he continues. For some reason he was trying to upset you , and you had no idea why, you'd been nothing but pleasant to the man since the moment you entered the bar.

“First of all i'm not a girl, I'm a woman. Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning man? You're mad because you got all D’s in high school and now you're stuck serving losers like us in this shit hole, pretentious, sorry excuse of a bar? Go fuck yourself. I don’t hate my life.” you answer , anger pooling in your throat. 

“Hey man. Lay off.” Danny says with a look of warning. 

“Of course you don't hate your life” the man says ignoring Danny completely. 

“You just do it for attention, think if you slice yourself up maybe someone will feel bad for you huh? I've seen your kind before girl.” he speaks again. OK now this idiot was pissing you off. You never did it for attention, attention was the last thing you wanted, especially when it came to your scars, you wished you could erase them.

“Look, I've got three things to say to you,” you reply with an irritated sigh. You stood up from your stool and stepped closer to the man. 

“One” you say, holding up your pointer finger giving the illusion that you were going to list reasons of argument to him. Instead you ball your hand into a fist and punch the guy right in his fucking jaw with all your drunken might. To your surprise (and no doubt everyone else's) the bartender fell to the floor, you knocked him out.. Everyone was wide eyed and silent 

“Lets get outta here” Josh says, breaking the glistening silence in the bar, noticing everyone looking at the five of you. Jake grabbed a bottle of Jack before all of you ran out of the door. None of you could suppress your laughs as you took off down the street. Out of breath you all keeled over in a field of grass a few feet from the tour buses in a fit of laughter. You sat down on the wet grass and looked up at the clouds. Danny sat on your left and Sammy was on your right, Josh and Jake sat in front of you and you all formed a small little circle. 

“That felt good” you say softly, referring to punching that shit head of a bartender. Sam laughed.

“Yeah that was awesome, I can't believe you knocked him out” Jake chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. The air went silent again as you all sat with your own thoughts. Your face slowly lost emotion as thoughts of what the man said swirled around your mind. You tried not to let what people said to you about your scars get to you too much but it was hard sometimes. Danny noticed your expression and you felt his hand draw soft circles on your back.

“That guy was an idiot. He was just being an asshole” Josh said softly, you nodded, knowing he was right. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe you were just really that sad but a tear fell down your face and your voice cracked as you spoke. 

“I just feel so alone sometimes” you wiped the tears away as quickly as they fell. You could feel all of them watching you with sympathetic eyes.

“Everyone's got their vice (y/n)” Danny said quietly, his hand still grazing your back. 

Josh rolls his shirt sleeve up and reveals dozens of little horizontal scars covering his shoulder. He grabs your hand and you look up at him to meet his gaze. He stroked your hand with his thumb and gave you a comforting, gentle look. 

“You're not alone”

[kg2hub]

I don't know if you're willing to do this but I was wondering what you think Ted's opinions on ghosts would be??? Because my dumbass self is working on a Kindergarten ghost hunter AU thing and I'm split between making Ted the skeptic or making Felix the skeptic. If this is a bother I'm really sorry, I just wanted to get someones opinion on this who is really good at being Ted....... sorry fsda-

((ghost hunter au sounds so fucking cool omg!!!!!! :0c

first off i should probably stress that these are just my own personal headcanons for the huxleys so take em with a grain of salt– i see them as likely being a secular family, so they’re not religious and likely don’t have much of a reason to believe in the afterlife. but then again, ted and felix are still children and children are usually more susceptible to believing in things that most adults stop believing in, or never believed in (unless you’re aging them up, but you could also still use the point that ted is ‘naive’ which could translate into another tally for him believing ghosts exist)

and there is a lot of media that portrays some sort of afterlife in a way, like casper the friendly ghost, or a more modern example: coco, or any show or game that has some sort of concept of heaven and hell, so even without any religious influence they would still be exposed to things of that nature, and would grow up seeing those concepts, becoming used to the idea of those concepts.

i kind of see ted as being someone who would be vaguely aware that ghosts exist, which i’m assuming they do in your au, but he’d probably be the type of person to write it off as coincidence immediately after, or think of a logical explanation for it, or he’d just doubt his own judgement and not trust himself if he saw paranormal activity. because that’s kind of ridiculous in the real world right? ghosts? exist?? psh nope, no one would believe him, so why should he believe himself? ,,unless someone else– someone he trusts, confirms ghosts are real. and he’d be more likely to believe them rather than himself

and the second opinion of ghosts after ‘real or not’ is probably whether they’re ‘scary or not’. to which, i think ted would,,,, definitely be freaked out. but try to stay calm and sympathetic unless the ghosts show signs of being dangerous or malevolent. because sometimes ghosts are just the lost spirits of dead people, what if they’re not necessarily trying to do any harm? he can be freaked out and scared but still be kind, those aren’t mutually exclusive

–and i know you asked about ted, but i kinda wanna;;;;; throw in my two cents about felix. you could really go either way with him! or sort of both at the same time if you get what i mean? like,,,, he really seems like the type of person to hide what he’s thinking. it’s possible he could totally believe in ghosts but still be outwardly skeptical as a cover-up. and he’d stubbornly refuse to acknowledge their existence to avoid ridicule if anyone found out he believes in ghosts or something dumb like that. more of something to keep up his reputation rather than something he might actually believe.

idk idk it’s really your choice which direction you want to go with this;;;; :’)c))

[funeralcryptid]

Hello 😊 I offer you sunshine after rain and my silver heart ring that I've only worn once because its too precious lol.

May I have a free reading, please? I've been working on myself.. Working on setting boundaries, self esteem, confidence and other issues. Sometimes I feel like I'm not improving. I've been journaling and using affirmations and it helps a bit. I often think of the Queen of Swords when doing affirmations. I see the Queen of Swords as someone who is impatient with bullshit, sets boundaries, knows what she wants, wise and confident. I want to be like that.

My question is, in the present/future will I be the person I visualize and how can I get there? Thank you 🌸

Welcome,

What a beautiful offering; I too know the feeling of wearing jewelry just once in a while because of how precious I consider them.

You're doing something amazing that is worthy of recognition, that includes your own. Journeys like these are not easy but they do reward your diligence and perseverance. Still, be flexible in determination and don't try to bend your nature out of its true limits, rather explore the duality inside of you.

It seems like you are prone to seeing bad situations as calamities that you cannot escape. You have no confidence, as you said, and that leads you to feel like the world falls apart when your efforts result in a failure. You're easily thrown out of your way, your will bends as if it became crooked with inconveniences and you give up easily on matters that involve conflict and struggle because you're used to them and feel like exposing yourself to getting hurt is not worth it. A wise choice, but you do it more often than not, out of avoidance or because you feel powerless, ignored.

This journey is resulting hard and difficult (well, besides for obvious reasons) because you're not sure in your choices and don't trust your judgement when it comes to acting or holding back. You're impatient to act but don't do it all the way because you're unsure of the process or the outcome. However I see you're not a coward and possess and explorative nature that has been shadowed by mistrust, fear, and lack of confidence. You often get close to opening a new door that will make way for progress in this journey you describe, but then as if you fought your nature, you stand still before the already open door because you feel lack of direction and insecurity.

In order to fight, or more like fix this, you need to remember that this journey is not something you do on your own uniquely. Part of the answer relies on other people. You see, to find support you need to be with someone else than you, but the same thing goes for fighting. Rely on the people that support you and are able to accept you as you are. They will be able to point out and bring out your best qualities and how you have and can at times be the type of person you want to become. Don't see this as a struggle all the time, allow yourself to rest and don't fall into the trap of the individual ego that tells you that you need to do all of this on your own, for yourself. It's okay to have friends and allies along the way.

Last, it's okay to fight and put yourself out there even if that changes the perception people have of you. If you want to change, you have to be willing to defy and correct the idea others have of yourself, as well as the way you see yourself. Don't let others perceive you, especially when the way they see you is as someone who stays back and put before what you want. Define yourself, don't let others speak for you. Do your best to adopt the qualities you want to have, and allow conflict to become an opportunity to show who you truly are.

Even if you have to fake it until you make it, this will be a challenge but your struggle reveals that you're already winning by defying the weakness of your ego.

I hope you find this reading helpful xx

[decodervon]

(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.