#but yeah i guess drag queen bedtime stories are the problem

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

school is getting fucking insane my sister has to make up pe bc she had a dentist appointment and it isnt excused work unless its a school trip. SHES IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND ITS FUCKING PE

[forevercaroline]

Tvd in New York chapter 7

For @caritobear and @recklessnesspersonified

Gossip girl here is your one and only source for the New York elite: The upper east side just lost a queen, sources have revealed that our resident bad girl Katherine Petrova has moved. And now that winter break is upon us our elite will be jet setting off to their private islands. You know you love me gossip girl.

Xxx

A couple days after Katherine left, the parents decide to leave too. “We don’t know what is going on between you three, your usually so close.”

All three Salvatore siblings start talking at the same time Giuseppe has tried to block out his children bickering since the brunch a week ago but he has hit his breaking point. “ Enough. If you are going to argue and be at each other’s throat do it in penthouse where nobody can see you.”

They all nod but Liz has something to add. “Caroline your debutant classes start next week. I will be back for your cotillion. Also your not in Rio Vegas or anywhere else your in New York City dress appropriate. I left some outfits on your bed.”

“Goodie can’t wait.”

Xxx

Caroline goes up to her room and looks at her bed her mom has put ten outfits on the bed. All the jeans are dark blue skinny and bootlegged, black and white turtlenecks there are dresses but all of them are floor length long sleeve no skin showing.

Caroline rolls her eyes while looking threw them she puts them with the other clothes her mom has given her. There’s a spot in her walk in closet that is specifically all clothes her mom has gotten for her. She never wears them.

Instead she goes over to the jeans she does wear and pulls out a pair of teal skinny jeans and pairs them with knee high buckle heel grey boots, a white tank top with a grey open front shawl cardigan with draped lapels and a gold and teal necklace with her black purse.

Xxx

“Dorota I’m going to the lawyers then to lunch and shopping.”

Damon looks at his sister turning to leave. “ Tell Klaus he’s not my best friend anymore.”

“No, you can be mad at me but leave him out of this he has enough problems without you telling him your not his best friend anymore. We all know Klaus has a worse relationship with his parents then any of us do. Plus I’m going to lunch and shopping with Rebekah and Davina since we are still mourning with Katherine’s departure we need some shopping therapy.”

Dorota turns around “ I can’t take this anymore everyone sit you are settling this now.”

“Dorota they won’t listen they are going to drag this out even though it’s not that big of a deal.”

Damon stands up and faces his sister who is sitting across from him. “ Not that big of a deal. We don’t keep secrets from each other. You kept your relationship with Klaus from us. We would have accepted it.”

“You would of accepted it?”

Damon and Stefan both nod. “ we would be more protective but we would’ve accepted.”

Caroline smiles she jumps up from her chair and claps. “Yay I have so much to tell you guys.”

Both brothers raise their eyebrows “ Do tell sister.”

“Want to grab lunch and we can catch up I’ll call bekah and Davina and tell them im canceling brunch and might be late for shopping.”

As they are leaving Stefan looks down at his twin “ Why are you going to the lawyers?”

“You’ll never guess, the bedtime story Dorota told us about the countess who wanted more and forced into a marriage, only to leave her husband and find a loving family. Is one hundred percent true it’s Dorota’s life. She is already married I’m getting her divorced so she can be with Vonya.”

Damon turns around at the elevator and yells back to Dorota “ Dorota you sneaky woman no wonder you fit in so well with this family.”

Xxx

“ Mr. Maxfield the Salvatore’s are here to see you.”

Wes Maxfield is the Salvatore family lawyer he has his hands full with the family, mostly the kids but sometimes Giuseppe and Liz need him too. “ Send them in.”

“ And what can I do for you today. Post bail money, convince the mayor to announce that Caroline’s birthday is a actual holiday in New York City again, talk the police out of arresting one of you for the fifth time this month.”

The three siblings look at each other they don’t find this funny and this month they haven’t had to deal with the police at all. “ More like I need a divorce for a friend.”

“I’ve been with your family for a long time I know when you guys say for a friend your talking about yourself, so who did you marry in I’m guessing a Vegas drunk wedding, also I’m not adding your spouse into the will.”

Caroline rolls her eyes “Did you forget we pay you for legal advice not snarky sarcasm. You should treat us without the disdain since almost all of your checks are because of the three of us. If you want we could take our Money find a new lawyer and have you black balled from not only this city but every law firm in the world.”

The Salvatore siblings are not Wes’s favorite clients. They keep him so busy that it cost him an engagement. “ I’m sorry, I have not had enough coffee to deal with teenagers today. Let’s start over who did you marry?”

“My sister didn’t marry anyone it’s our housekeeper Dorota who wants the divorce. We just want to know if we can get her a divorce with the husband not being in the country.”

“I’ll look into it. Is that all?”

Damon turns around in the doorway, Caroline looks up at him and nods she can only handle Wes for so long. “ Yes you don’t have to put up with us anymore lucky for you. Unlucky for you we are the most interesting and richest clients you have. You seem to forget that when our father was looking for family lawyers it was our mother who suggested they choose the guy right out of law school, we made you popular we can tear you down.”

“Your right because of your family I have clients but I’m a good lawyer you can’t tear me down. If I have to I’ll go one on one with all three of you.”

Xxx

Since they had a big breakfast, Liz wanted her children to stop fighting so she had Dorota and the chefs make a big breakfast. They weren’t that hungry for lunch, so they just had some macaroons from ladurèe and hit up Dylan’s candy bar.

“ I can’t believe you two are fine with klaus and I.”

“ we were more angry with ourselves that we didn’t even notice you and klaus when with you keeping it from us.”

Caroline throws her arms around them. “ I love you guys.”

Xxx

“ Miss Salvatore, Miss Mikaelson and Miss Claire what brings you to the plaza today?”

“Mourning our usual room please and have a bottle champagne brought up.”

The front desk person hands them a pink key. “ Right away now will you be needing any spa cards or using the tea that comes with the room?”

The girls look at each other silently asking each other. “ No to the tea yes to the spa.”

They take the elevator up to the top floor and put the key in the pink door and open a suit full of pink, black and white. It’s the Eloise suit, the suite they would visit as kids and now as teenagers they still visit it but not as often.

Caroline lays down on the king size bed while Rebekah sits in a chair and Davina on the ottoman opening the bottle and handing it to Caroline who takes a drink and hands it too Rebekah. “New York just doesn’t feel the same without Kat.”

“I keep expecting her to come into the penthouse and say we’re going shopping and let’s sit on the steps of the MET and judge the underclass man.”

Davina taking a sip. “Remember when she dated Kai she would tell me about it because she knew I could relate because we had that fling when he first got here.”

Caroline flipping over on to her stomach reaching for the champagne “ I forgot you had a fling with Kai. He kissed me last year on New Year’s Day.”

Rebekah looks at her surprised “ He kissed me last year on New Year’s Day too.”

“ Enzo is going to be disappointed he’s not the only one who has missed all of us.”

Xxx

“Has anyone seen my pink top and black bottoms bikini, I found the heels but not the bikini and I just got it today.”

Stefan and Damon come out of their bedrooms, Dorota comes out of the living room. “ Why would we know where your bikini is?”

“ in the dryer I had washed all bikini’s and swim trunks. I’ll have them on your beds within the hour.”

“Car is here.”

Caroline coming down with her suitcase “ Dorota call Wes Maxfield, he called a little while ago and said that he drew up the papers and will send them over but he will have to send a copy to your husband. So he needs to know where he is?”

Xxx

They arrive on an island in Fiji, they have a private island and they have a big beach house. “ I call east wing.”

“ Kol you can’t call a whole wing plus we get the same rooms as last year.”

“After we unpack we should have a campfire on the beach.”

While sitting around the campfire Klaus reveals. “ I have to tell you guys something, I’m not a Mikaelson, that night we got back from Vegas and all hell broke loose but before we went to Katherine. Esther came into my room and told me my father is not Mikael but his old business partner Ansel.”

Rebekah and Kol both look at each other then at their brother. “ You are our brother, doesn’t matter if you have a different father we grew up with you, when we moved here you were six we were five you decided it was your job to protect us.”

Kol agrees with his sister “ Yeah remember when we were seven Rebekah and I were in the school hallway talking and these kids came up to us and started making fun of us because they said we talked funny and that we should go back to where we came from. Rebekah started crying I was comforting her and you heard Bekah and found us and stood up to the bullies for us.”

Klaus gets up and goes over to his brother and sister and they put their arms around him. “ I love you guys.”

“ We love you too brother.”

Xxx

Two days later Caroline who is leaning against Klaus on the beach. “ We should find your father does he even know you exist or are his.”

“He’s met me before but he doesn’t know I’m his.”

Caroline looks up at him “ We should go to London and tell him. He has a right to know.”

Klaus nods, Caroline looks over at Rebekah who is leaning into Stefan, Kol and Davina in the water, Damon joking with Enzo. “ This doesn’t feel right were enjoying the sun in Fiji and Katherine is sulking in Bulgaria.”

Rebekah nods. “ Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Caroline smiles and nods they gather everyone up and tell them the plan.

Xxx

Katherine is sitting in her window seat painting her nails black and cursing her dad for bringing her here when she could be in Fiji right now. When the doorbell rings and since they don’t have Nadia anymore that responsibility has fallen to Katherine.

She answers and let’s out a excited squeal. “ Did someone order some best friends.”

Katherine pulls Caroline and everyone in for a hug but manages to avoid messing up her wet nails, she has missed them so much she hates Bulgaria. The excited squeal was heard by Katherine’s mother who is laying on the couch with a washcloth over her eyes. “ Katerina please I have a headache who was at the door?”

“Some clothes I had left in New York I had Nadia sent them over.”

Katherine leads them upstairs to her room which is smaller then her room at the Petrova penthouse and smaller then her room at the Salvatore’s. “ Nice room.”

Katherine looks over at Davina “ You don’t have to lie to make me feel better I know it’s a small room and a small apartment. My father wanted to make it look like we are a close family so he didn’t even get us a pretend house he got us a pretend apartment and he’s never here. My mother has had a headache since we arrived at the apartment, I’m taking this better then her.”

Klaus sitting under Caroline speaks “ Would a trip to England to meet my real father make you feel better.”

That took Katherine by surprise “ What, your real father how much have I missed.”

“The night that you told us that your moving Esther also told Nik Mikael is not his father instead Mikael’s business partner Ansel is. Plus Nik is convinced that none of us will love him anymore since he’s not our biological brother, which is insane because we will always love him.”

“ Freya has known this whole time and never told me.”

Kol hits klaus foot “ Freya knew before me so much for brothers sticking together.”

“ Well brother blame Elijah, if he didn’t start crying Freya would never have gone out of her room to get him a bottle and see Esther and Ansel kissing and going into Esther’s room.”

Xxx

“ Mother with my whole life being uprooted and away from my friends I need comfort so I’m going on a 3 day shopping trip. I’ll be back before fathers thing.”

Katherine’s mother is still laying on the couch with a washcloth over her eyes. “ Have fun. Don’t be late to your fathers thing, and if you see anything I would like get it.”

“ Yes mother.”

Katherine returns to her room and looks at her friends “ Let’s go I have three days before I have to return to dull Bulgaria.”

Caroline swings her arm around Katherine’s shoulders “ I’ve missed you.”

“ I’ve missed you too.”

Xxx

While on the plane klaus had called Freya to ask her where Mikael and Ansel used to work together. She said they used to work in the Mikaelson hotel in the heart of London.

While they are walking the streets of London Caroline and Rebekah come up to Katherine and pull her aside. “ We got you a gift.”

Katherine raises her eyebrows in curiosity. Both Caroline and Rebekah share a devious smile. “ it’s waiting for you in your room at the Mikaelson estate.”

“ You two are evil tell me you got me a gift but don’t give it to me or tell me what it is.”

They find the Mikaelson hotel and go up to the receptionist “ Hello we are looking for Ansel, is he here?”

“ I’m afraid he just stepped out, you could leave a message and when he comes back I can tell him you stopped by.”

“ No don’t tell him we came here.”

Klaus leaves and everyone runs after him. “ What’s wrong man I thought this is what you wanted to meet your dad.”

Klaus turns to Damon, he loves that all three Salvatore’s are talking to him again. “ Ir is but meeting Ansel is not going to erase all the abuse from Mikael. What if Ansel is just like Mikael they were business partners.”

Caroline puts a hand on klaus’ arm “ It’s your choice but I know you will keep asking yourself What if I met him, what if he’s different. Your right you can’t erase what Mikael has done to you but you have the chance to have a father son relationship that is loving.”

Klaus puts his hand over hers and squeezes. “ We will try again tomorrow.”

Xxx

They get back to the Mikaelson estate and Caroline and Rebekah cover Katherine’s eyes and take her upstairs they open the door and uncover her eyes. Katherine smile is huge sitting on her bed is Elijah with roses. Katherine jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist knocking him backwards onto the bed.

“I’ve missed you Elijah.”

“ I’ve missed you too my Katerina.”

Xxx

Caroline wakes up to the sound of her phone ringing. She reaches out from underneath the covers and Sleepily she answers. “ Hello.”

“ Caroline this is your father.”

That wakes Caroline up she sits immediacy up in bed startling Klaus who is asleep right next to her. “ Yes father.”

“ I’ve been thinking about the favor you asked and I’m calling to tell you I’m looking into it.”

“Thank you.”

Xxx

“ I have to get back to Bulgaria if I’m not back today my father on the way to Bulgaria threatened to send me to an all girls school in Siberia if I didn’t behave and act like a member of loving family.”

Kol starts walking backwards to face Katherine while walking through the streets of London. “ Relax Kitty Kat first we all know you would never survive in a all girls school, you love guys too much. Second I want a cinnamon roll and Davina wants hot chocolate.”

Katherine pokes him in the chest with her finger. “ And before Davina you, Damon, and Enzo were in competition to see how many girls at our school you could either flirt with, kiss or sleep with. Remind me who won?”

“You did you got the entire male population of our school to kiss you because you set up a kissing booth.”

Katherine smiles at him really big and proud. “ It was a win win the money went to charity and they got to kiss a hot girl I even got a teacher to volunteer his lips.”

“ Elijah doesn’t count.”

Katherine shares a look with Caroline. “ As I have kissed both you and Elijah I would say Elijah counts because he is a better kisser then you.”

“ I’ve missed you Kitty Kat. New York is not the same neither is the banter.”

“ I’ve missed you and the banter too.”

Xxx

Kol goes into the coffee shop and while he is waiting for his order he hears. “ Coffee for Ansel.”

He turns around and a brown haired blue eyed man with a suit and black long jacket is walking up to the counter. Kol looks out the windows at Klaus then at Ansel he can see they have the same eyes and same facial structure. “ Excuse me Ansel.”

“ Yes, do I know you, you look familiar?”

“ You know my family. Kol Mikaelson.”

Ansel looks shocked he takes a step back. “ Mikaelson, are you traveling with your parents?”

“ I stopped traveling with my parents when I was born, I’m here with some of my siblings, do you want to meet them? I know it’s been awhile.”

Ansel nods and Kol smiles cheekily he knows what he’s doing and as he’s leaving he hears the barista calls out his name. He goes out to his siblings and gives Davina her hot chocolate. “ You will never guess who I ran Into Ansel and he wants to re meet us.”

Everyone looks at Klaus who nods.

Xxx

They all walk in and sit down at Ansel’s table. Ansel is surprised by the amount of people. “ Wow your family has grown since I last saw you.”

Caroline, Katherine, Rebekah, Damon and Stefan look at klaus to say something while Davina and Enzo look at Kol.

“ Um were not all Mikaelsons. I’m Caroline Salvatore.” Caroline pointing to her brothers “ my brothers Damon and Stefan. That’s Katherine, Enzo and Davina.”

Everyone has noticed that Ansel and klaus have been looking at each other since they entered. Katherine bumps her shoulder into his. While Caroline nods and holds his hand. “ I don’t know if you remember me I’m Niklaus.”

“ I do. You loved playing with your younger siblings.”

Klaus nods. He doesn’t know what to say to Ansel. “ We have to go we have a plane to catch.”

“ Oh where are you flying too.”

“ Bulgaria.”

Xxx

They land in Bulgaria and are in front of the apartment building everyone hugs Katherine. “ You’ll be in New York soon.”

“ I hope.”

“ I’m going to miss you so much, I love you Kat.”

“ I’m going to miss you too, I love you Caro.”

[itisannak]

Santa Baby (Calum Hood Smut)

Summary: Calum and (Y/N) take their first trip away from their baby girl. Which leads to them talking about having another one (Smut / Mention of Sex / Suggestive Content / Fingering) (Request) (Words: 2.5k) (Part 1: Winter Wonderland / Part 2: Santa Baby)

(Calum's POV) My eyes open by the soft cries of my 5-month old baby girl. I feel the bed shift a bit on (Y/N)'s side, signaling that she is trying to get up. "Babe, I got it. Rest a bit..." I mumble, pushing her to lay down. "Are you sure Calum? What if she needs to be fed?" She asks, trying to get back up. I push her chest down, and get on my feet, ruffling my hair a bit, so I won't scare the baby with my looks. "I'll make a formula, we've had the same discussion almost every night this week." I say and peck on her forehead. "Fine..." She mumbles and pats her pillow. "Get some sleep, love. Happy Valentine's day." I say before I exit the room.

I have a huge smile on my face when I walk into my daughter's nursery room. My daughter... that tiny creature with the beautiful eyes and angelic features is my daughter. "Hey princess... Why are you crying, loud one? Do you need your daddy?" I ask her, picking her up. I start rocking her while placing her head softly on my shoulder and fix her on my chest. "Want daddy to tell you a bedtime story? What about a fairytale? Hm, you'd like that? Ok, so... Once upon a time, there was a prince named Calum. That's right, daddy is the prince, yeah... Prince Calum used to travel the world for fame and fortune and everything that comes with it. He loved to travel so much that he did it for years and years without stopping... He was afraid that if he ever stopped, even for a minute, he would end up miserable. So, no princesses for prince Calum to hold him down, except a few young maids, but you are too young to talk about that part. Yes, you are, yes you are... So, he traveled and traveled, not searching for a princess at all. But all of that changed when one day while traveling his eyes landed on the most beautiful princess. From that day our prince couldn't keep his mind together. He was thinking of his princess. So he searched for her and found her and made sure no other prince dared to even look at her. She was the most beautiful princess in the world; clever and sympathetic. But most importantly, she was his. And he had to make sure she would stay his for the rest of their lives. So, he married her and they lived in a beautiful castle. And soon after they became the King & the Queen of the world and they had the most beautiful little, tiny princess. Do you know who that is? Huh? Yeah, it's you. And the Queen is mommy. And you know, both of us love you so much. But daddy is still the king that has to travel the world and save the world. But not for too long. Daddy will be back before you can even realize he is gone, I promise that, princess. And I might not be leaving soon, but it hurts me that I will have to leave the 2 of you..." I whisper, kissing Iris's head. I feel her little chest inflate and fall while she sleeps peacefully. I chuckle, half of my story was not even heard. I place her in her crib, holding my breath; the last thing I want is to wake her up.

I take a look at her and pull her blanket closer to her body before I exit her nursery. Cookie, our Labrador puppy raises her gaze towards me. "She is asleep..." I whisper and pet her head. She still lays in front of the door, protecting my baby girl. I walk back into our bedroom only to find (Y/N) still awake. "Nice fairytale..." She comments, smiling. I laugh and get in our bed. "It is my favorite, princess..." I say, pulling her to lay her head on my chest. "I thought I was a Queen...." She teases me, pecking on my pec. "Yeah, yeah, whatever... Sleep now, angel. I have a surprise for us tomorrow." I say, kissing the top of her head. "What surprise?" "You'll see..."

(Y/N's POV) The doorbell rings, pausing my playtime with Iris. "Who's that? Do you think it's daddy? Let's go open the door and see!" I cheer to my giggling baby. I balance her on my hip and hold her tight as I walk towards the front door. I peep through the peephole and see Mali, Calum's sister behind the door. "Hey, Mali... How are you?" I greet her after I open the door. She smiles at me as she enters. "I am fine. How is my favorite niece?" She cheers at Iris who giggles as Mali does her funny faces. "She is your only niece, Mali..." I giggle and she rolls her eyes. "For now..." "Do you want some coffee?" I ask, bouncing Iris. "No, I want you to hand me the little one and go get ready..." "Get ready for what?" I ask confused as I carefully hand her the toddler. "My brother hasn't told you yet, has he?" She asks, raising her eyebrow. "No, he didn't. And what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in London, recording?" I ask her, even more confused. "He flew me over for the week to babysit this little princess so you can go on a trip for 3 days. Now go get ready, Cal will give you more details...." She replies, bouncing Iris. I mumble an 'Ok' and turn on my heel to walk upstairs to begin packing my luggage. "Wait, he flew you out all the way just to babysit?" I ask her and she hums. "He knew you wouldn't trust anyone else with this munchkin..." Mali chuckles, squishing Iris's cheeks.

(Calum's POV) I park my car in the garage, ready to pick my bags and wife and leave for that trip. Probably by now, Mali is here and (Y/N) is packing. I unlock the front door and walk inside, only to find my sister playing peek-a-boo with my daughter on the floor. "How is my favorite girl?" I ask cheerfully, picking Iris up. I rock her, and she giggles. "I am fine..." Mali says and laughs. I throw a glare at her. "Your aunt is stupid...." I say to my baby girl as my sister continues laughing. "Where is my wife?" I ask Mali, handing her the baby. "Upstairs, packing..." She says and bounces Iris on her knee. I walk upstairs and towards our bedroom, finding (Y/N) in our built-in closet, looking lost. "How is my beauty?" I ask her, hugging her from behind and kissing her neck. She turns her head to place a quick kiss on my lips. "I am trying to figure out where my husband is taking me so I can pack appropriate clothes." She replies. I turn her around and leave a kiss on her forehead. "Bikinis, a couple of t-shirts and shorts and that skimpy dress I like..." I reply and place a kiss on her lips. "How much time do I have?" She asks me and bites on my bottom lip. "30 minutes..." I say smirking. "I hate you..." "No, you don't."

(Y/N) is still giving directions to Mali while holding Iris, looking like a puppy that has just gotten scold. "(Y/N), I can take care of my niece. Go have fun." Mali takes Iris from (Y/N) and motions me to take my wife out of the house. "(Y/N) let's go..." I drag her outside. "How are we going to leave her? She is so small... What if something happens to her?" "She is going to be fine... And if something goes wrong, Mali knows what to do." "Ok... I guess you are right..." She says, getting in the car. "I am always right, babygirl." I reply, starting the engine. "You wish..." She says giggling. "So, where are you taking me, Mr. Hood?" "In a new spa hotel, at Malibu beach. You are going to love it." "Oh God, I need that..." She groans. "I know you do, babygirl." "I would kill for a massage." "I can give you a massage every day..." "Well, the massage you plan on giving me always ends up turning to fucking." "I don't see the problem with that."

(Y/N's POV) Once we are in the hotel, I settle in and wait for Calum to come to our room. It's beautiful in here; the balcony has the most beautiful view I've ever seen, the bed is huge and more importantly, doesn't have teddies on and a baby monitor next to it. "Doll, are you asleep?" Calum shouts from the door. "No, just admiring the room." I say, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Well, go put on your bikini. Let's go to the pool." Cal cheers, picking up his suitcase. "I had other things in mind." I say, laying on the bed. "Later, babygirl." Calum winks at me. "I meant napping, Calum..." "Yeah, right..."

After I am done putting on my bikini, I exit the bathroom, with a towel in hand, ready to relax and leave everything behind me. Sure, I miss Iris like hell and I am worried sick about her, but I need some time for myself and Calum. "Are you ready, lo... Holy shit, you look so fucking sexy..."My husband compliments me as he leans against the wall. "Do I? I don't know... Maybe I should wear a black one..." I say and bite my lip. "No, it is perfect..." He says with his mouth watering at the sight. I smile and do a spin for him. "Man... I am so fucking lucky..." He exclaims, smacking my ass. "You bet your ass you are..." I say and turn to kiss his jaw. "Let's go princess." He says and guides me out.

"So, you really rented out the whole pool for us?" I ask him as I swim around in the warm water. "Yeah, I did. The manager is a friend of mine and I asked him for a couple of favors." He replies, leaning back on the tiles. "Couple of favors? What else did you arrange?" I ask back and he pulls me on him. "The weekend is long, you'll see." He replies and bites on my collarbone. "Oh, that's what you had in mind when you rented the pool..." I purr as he grazes his teeth up my neck. "Not really... But you in your bikini has put me into thoughts." He whispers against my skin. "What do you like about me though? I mean, I still have some of the pregnancy weight..." I moan as he finds my sweet spot. "I love that couple of pounds from your pregnancy... More ass, bigger boobs, even that little bloat on your lower stomach is adorable. I love your body..." He mumbles and brings my lips to his. "Thank you..." I moan, gripping his neck. "For what?" He asks. "For adoring me, for making me feel divine..." I whimper as his hand slips in my bikini bottoms. "So, you are basically thanking me for doing what a husband should do." He replies chuckling.

His face lowers to my chest, pulling the triangles to the side. His lips wrap around my nipple, with his teeth grazing the sensitive bud. "Be careful... I am still lactating..." I moan from the pleasure. "That would be so hot..." He moans but pops my nipple out of his mouth to focus on my pussy. His fingers slip inside me, pumping slowly in me. "I want us to have another baby..." He moans in my ear. I look at him shocked while I begin palming him. "What? Last year you didn't want to hear about having one in the first place..." "I know, but I just want us to expand our family. I love Iris and I adore that she is ours, so I want more kids. Think about it... One more little munchkin... " He whispers and I smile at him. "Iris is just 5 months old... And we moved to LA not even a year ago, we are still adjusting. Let's wait until she turns one and we can discuss it again... And please, no more parent conversation on this trip. I just need my boyfriend back..." I reply and he smirks. "You know that I am your husband, right?" He asks and bites my earlobe. "Yeah, but I need the carelessness we had back when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Just for a little while." I say and pepper him with kisses. "Yes, ma'am." He replies and pins me to the tiles of the pool, pushing my bottoms to the side, just enough to slip inside me.

(7 Months Later/ Calum's POV) "I think Iris's 1st birthday party will go down in history as the best party ever." I comment as (Y/N) enters the bedroom, rubbing the hand lotion on her hands. "Yeah... But it was a bit extra, you have to admit that..." She comments as she removes the silky robe from her body. "I don't know what you are talking about." I say as she curls to my side. "Who has a live band on his daughter's first birthday?" She asks and I chuckle. "It was just her daddy and uncles singing kids songs, no biggie... Did you see how cute she was in her little costume? We have the most beautiful daughter ever." I comment and kiss my wife's forehead. "She got it from her mama..." She sings and I chuckle. "Definitely." I reply and rub her arm.

"I am so excited about her first real Halloween." She exclaims and I hum. "I am excited too. She was so tiny last year and we were both so panicked about having a tiny human in our family, we didn't enjoy it." I reply "We should do a family costume." She says and I nod eagerly. "For sure. Anything in mind?" I ask her and she smirks. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think that we should do Addams' family. You as Gomez, me as Morticia and Iris as our little Wednesday..." She says and looks up to me. "Amazing... We can even have Cookie as the Thing..." I say and she bites her lip. "Actually, we don't need Cookie for the Thing. Your hand is going to be the Thing." She says and I look at her surprised. "You know my rule about no groping in front of Iris... But I will gladly do it after the party. " I say and grin. "No..." She says and takes my hand in hers. "Your hand is going to be the Thing..." She says, placing it on her lower stomach. I look at her with wide eyes as she smiles at me. "Tell me that it is what I think it is..." I say excitedly. "7 weeks, perfect growth this far. Congratulations, you are going to be a daddy again." She says and I gasp, hugging her tightly. "I thought you said we should wait for after Iris turns one." I say as she buries her head in the crook of my neck. "Well, we weren't that careful... So, here it is." She replies and places a hand on her stomach. "I am so glad we weren't careful." I reply, kissing her forehead as she purrs.

My Masterlist / Winter Wonderland / Santa Baby

[dragonasheswrites-blog]

The Heaven We Didn’t Choose, Chapter 8: In Which The Internet is Invoked

...And Sans nearly loses his edgelord club membership card. 

First: Chapter 1: In Which a Child Makes a Friend

Previous: Chapter 7: In Which Skeletons are Explained

Next: Chapter 9: In Which Dog Marriage Saves the Day

Click here for the story overview.

The next day went about as well as Sans expected.  He was once again woken up by the flurry of alarms reminding him of Undyne’s impending invasion of the apartment, but he made sure to have Attie up and dressed in ’training clothes’ before she arrived.

It was worth the extra effort.  Undyne had calmed considerably, having apparently slept at some point, but she kept eyeing him with a very...intense expression.  Attie demanded enough of her attention that she didn’t say anything, but he felt an overwhelming sense of foreboding.

Either Frisk had made good on her threat to talk to Undyne about Boss or Sans had messed up on his paperwork again.  Possibly both.  He was betting on the former, though, especially since Boss hadn’t come back to the apartment the previous evening.

This meant that Undyne wound up giving them a crash course in breakfast...literally.  The kitchen looked like a war zone by the time they were finished, with globs of oatmeal across the ceiling, floor, and stove top.  The oatmeal itself was full of dark brown flakes that made Attie wince every time she took a bite.  He made a mental note to look up an oatmeal-making tutorial on Youtube; there had to be a more efficient way to do this.

“No paperwork today,” Undyne said once she’d scarfed down her own portion of oatmeal.  “The queen’s doing the morning visit before she meets with the...well, with...important people.  We’re also moving her room and posting a guard outside.”

Sans blinked at her, slowly.  “...What are you talking about?”

She growled.  “Frisk.  The ambassador.  Queen Toriel is going to see her this morning to assess her status.  You,” she gestured to both of them with a strange figure eight motion, “stay here.  You can see her this afternoon if you get the all-clear, but text me first.  We’re relocating her to a more defensible room and posting a guard.  Make sure you bring your ID, ass-clown, or you’ll be locked out.”

“Don’t lock me out!”  Attie said, grabbing Undyne’s arm.  “I wanna see my mommy!”

“Oh, you can go on in just fine, punk; the guards won’t bother you.  They’re just gonna make sure no one gets to see your mommy without permission.  If a bad guy tries something funny they’ll beat ‘im up!  It’s for security, right?”

“Cool!”  The girl bounced in her seat.  “Can I be security for Mommy too?  I wanna beat up bad guys!”

“Haha!  You’ve gotta train a little harder than THAT if you wanna be in the Guard!  Ready?”

“Ready!”

“I’ll be here,” Sans said, staring intently at the last globs of oatmeal in his bowl.  “You guys have fun.”

Being lifted by his skull was a new and special kind of painful, he discovered.  Also, Undyne’s grin was even more terrifying close up.

“You’re not getting out of training THAT easy, nerd!  A little exercise never hurt anyone!”

Attie made a mad dash for the living room, screaming about training and friendship and how wonderful everything in her little life was.

The next hour and a half could only be described as torture.  Sans didn’t know a whole lot about humans and fish-monsters (or whatever Undyne was), but he was very certain that skeletons were not designed to bend in some of the ways she was trying to make him bend.  He could feel the strain on his joints; he was sure he was going to dislocate something.  It didn’t help that the stretches were interspersed with periods of intense movement, pushing his still-sore bones well past their limit.  He hoped Boss never found out about this; the big guy had enough punishment ideas to last him a lifetime.

He collapsed onto the couch when Undyne finally stopped.

“That was a GREAT warm-up,” she said.  “Now for the REAL training!”

Sans debated crawling under the couch.  There wasn’t a lot of space under there; his skull and ribcage would be a problem...

She laughed at him.  “I’m just kidding, NERD!  Don’t you know how to take a joke?  Hey, hey Attie, look at this loser!  He can’t even do a little exercise!”

“Mr. Sans isn’t a loser,” Attie solemnly reminded her.  “He’s a asshole.”

“You BET he is!  Anyways, make sure he doesn’t fall asleep, huh?”

“Okay!”

His phone went off.  Oh, right; he hadn’t texted Frisk all morning.  He’d get on that.  Just as soon as he could feel his arms again.

“Mr. Sans?”

His vision started going...a little fuzzy…

“-ey?  Hey?  Can you hear me?”

Sans looked up at Undyne.  She was looking a little worried or angry, one of the two.  He wasn’t sure why; he hadn’t actually passed out, had he?  “‘Mfine,” he mumbled into the couch cushion.

“Yeah, no, punk.  Attie, go grab me the bottle of green juice in your fridge and a cup.  Sans, talk to me.”

“‘M fine."

She huffed.  “You’re an idiot.  No, listen to me: you’re an idiot.  Anyone knows to speak up when they’re being pushed too far.  Except you, I guess.  Do you know what’s happening?  Your magic levels are so low you’re losing HP.  Slowly, but still.  You’re literally killing yourself.”

“Thought a little exercise never hurt anyone.”

“Yeah, a little exercise.  We didn’t even do much, really.  Heck, Attie’s had more exercise over the past few days than we normally do in a week, and she’s just fine.  You?  You collapsed under your own lack of magic.  We’re not even practicing magic, beyond whatever’s holding you together and making you move!  You’d have to do...well, pretty much no exercise at all on a regular basis AND be super low on magic to get to this point.”

“Sounds ‘bout right.”

“And that’s why you’re an idiot.  Oh - thanks, Attie.”  She took the bottle of juice, poured some into the cup, and pushed it towards Sans.

He managed to get himself upright and tipped... most of the juice into his mouth.  It tasted like something that was brewed in a froggit’s armpit, but he did feel better after.  “...What is that stuff?”

“Magic-infused sports drink.  Good for the body AND the SOUL!  The Royal Scientist came out with it a few years back.  You never heard of it?”

“It’s disgusting.”

“I’ve seen what you leave behind at your sentry post; you have no right to criticize anyone else’s eating or drinking habits.”

Fair enough.

“Also, next time we do this, frickin’ tell me when you’re about to collapse, would ya?”

“Gee, didn’t know you cared.”  Also: next time??

“Oh, I don’t.  Someone needs to watch this little punk, though, and she seems kinda fond of you.  Stars know why.”  She ruffled Attie’s hair.

The kid grinned widely.  “It’s ‘cause he feeds me hot dogs and lets me do fun science and lets me color and takes me to see my mommy.  And he didn’t let Mommy die and he helped me beat Mr. Papyrus and stuff.”

Sans eyed her.  “...Right.”

“I told Undie all about the fight with Mr. Papyrus!  I have her phone number in my phone and I was texting her last night when I was supposed to be sleeping.”

“‘M I gonna have to take your phone away at bedtime?”

“Noooo!”  She flopped over onto the couch next to him dramatically.

Undyne laughed.  “Well, since you’re not about to dust, I’ll be off.  Drink another glass of that stuff, asshole.  Attie, make sure he does.”

“Okay!”

“And Vice Captain Papyrus will be back sometime this evening.  If he scares you at all, even just a little bit, you tell this worthless lump here to get you out and you text me.  Okay?”

“Okay!”

“Oh, and a word of advice, Sans?”

He raised his head a fraction.

“Walk around a little.  You’ll be even worse off if you don’t.”

The very atmosphere seemed to deflate when Undyne left.  Sans felt like melting into the couch cushions and just...not moving until Boss came back and kicked his lazy butt into gear.

“Come ooooon!”  Attie whined, grabbing the back of his jacket and trying to drag him off the couch.  She was succeeding.  “Undie said you have to keep moving!  If she says so then we have to do it!”

“Noooo.”  Sans dug his claws into the couch, trying to anchor himself without leaving obvious rips that Boss would scream at him for.

His phone went off again.

He reluctantly disentangled himself from the kid enough to sit up (though she wound up clinging to his back) and pulled it out.

Frisky Dreamer 9:22 AM Sans, I’m waiting for a check-in.

Frisky Dreamer 9:42 AM I’m calling Undyne if I don’t hear from you in five minutes.

You 9:44 AM Undie just left We were doing morning torture

Frisky Dreamer 9:44 AM Explain.  Now.

You 9:46 AM U know the stretching and the posing and the running in place that kindve thing The usual stuff undie likes

Frisky Dreamer 9:46 AM Training?

You 9:47 AM Yeah that

Frisky Dreamer 9:47 AM Don’t call Captain Undyne’s training ‘torture,’ or I’ll tell her you called her “Undie.”

You 9:48 AM U got it

“Oooh, ask her if we can come see her this afternoon!”  Attie said, leaning over his shoulder.

You 9:49 AM Kid wants to know when we can come see you this afternoon If ur up for it

Attie dragged him off the couch when no answer came immediately.  He reluctantly shuffled his tired bones around the living room a few times, but gave up when his phone remained silent.  “Uh, you’d better change your clothes, kid.  Maybe your mom’ll text us back later.  She’s probably busy, remember?”

“Oh, yeah!  Granny Ree’s visiting her this morning, right?”

“Right.  So let’s see if we can find something your mom’ll approve of, okay?”

“Okay!”

Attie wound up in a yellow and white striped shirt and jeans.  He mentally reviewed the fashion lessons from the morning before.  It looked...pretty good?  Jeans went with everything, right?  He couldn’t tell if the yellow was supposed to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for Attie’s skin color (all of that had gone clear over his skull) but Frisk wouldn’t have bought her kid a shirt that looked bad on her, right?

...Hopefully?

He snapped a picture and sent it to the overbearing mother, hoping for the best.

Schoolwork went better than the day before.  Sans was still mostly lost, but a few subjects (mostly Math and Science) weren’t too different from what he’d been taught in the Underground.  At seven years old, Attie wasn’t doing anything too complicated; he was able to follow along and help out fairly well.

It reminded him of teaching Boss, really.  The sad structure that passed for a school in Snowdin had burned to the ground around the time Sans graduated (in a completely unrelated incident, not that he hadn’t been tempted), so Boss had been deprived of a few years’ formal education.  It had been challenging to get an excitable babybones to sit still long enough to do a page of multiplication, but he’d done his best.

His best, he knew, wasn’t great.  It was probably the reason Boss turned out the way he had.

Attie, at least, was used to the routine.  She knew to check her list of schoolwork (Undyne had left it on the counter this time, and had removed the one she’d pinned up with the knife) and found her assignments based on the numbers associated with each subject.  It boggled Sans’s mind.  Teaching kids at home was, apparently, something humans had simplified greatly.  There was a whole system of what to do each day and everything.  It made remembering to text Frisk a little easier, too; he just shot off a text as they finished each subject.  Attie did the same, happy for an excuse to use her new phone.

Lunch was hot dogs, again.  Attie, predictably, demanded that Sans eat his all in one bite.  He initially refused, but...well, the thing she did with her eyes was growing on him.  He caved and swallowed his hot dog whole.

He didn’t sit still long enough for Attie to take a picture of him doing it.  She did her best, but it wasn’t quite enough.

Ding!

Frisky Dreamer 12:58 PM Sans, what exactly are you teaching my daughter?

You 12:59 PM Nothing were just having lunch

Frisky Dreamer 12:59 PM So bragging to a young girl about how you can swallow weiners is normal for you?

Sans squinted at his phone, trying to make sense of the message.  He knew ‘weiner’ was another word for ‘hot dog,’ but...he felt there was something he was missing.

You 1:00 PM Kinda i mean i run a ‘dog stand Dont really talk to the customers but sometimes onell wonder y a skeleton needs food Where r u going with this?

Frisky Dreamer 1:02 PM I can’t decide if you’re naive, stupid, or far more creepy than I ever gave you credit for.  Where is Attie now?

He looked around.  The kid was at the table doing more Grammar.  He snapped a picture.  

You 1:04 PM *1 picture message sent

Frisky Dreamer 1:05 PM Okay.

You 1:06 PM Kiddo what the hell is going on

Frisky Dreamer 1:07 PM You can’t do that anymore.  And stars, keep Attie from talking about your ‘hot dog trick.’

You 1:08 PM Uh y

Frisky Dreamer 1:09 PM BECAUSE I WON’T HAVE YOU INVOLVING MY DAUGHTER IN YOUR DIRTY PRANKS!!

Yep, he was definitely missing something.

You 1:10 PM U high again?  I have no idea what ur talking about

Frisky Dreamer 1:10 PM Stupid it is, then.  Look it up. NOT around Attie.

Sans double-checked that Attie was studying and not peeking over his shoulder, then opened the web browser on his phone.  He typed in ‘eat a weiner.’

Oh.  OH.

...Humans were disgusting.

You 1:12 PM So uh what the hell U humans r crazy Like what even Y would u do that with ur mouths With all ur gross fluids Thats unsanitary Like wow

Frisky Dreamer 1:15 PM That’s about the reaction I was expecting.  So NO MORE, OKAY?

You 1:15 PM I may never eat a hot dog again What the hell Y didnt anyone say anything Like do people think im some kind of weirdo for working at a dog stand Like theyre just in the store with other food Is that normall Is tht what huans do

Frisky Dreamer 1:17 PM Oh, you sweet, innocent child. You have no idea.

You 1:17 PM Y do humans destroy everything good This is a travesty against Science Like y

Frisky Dreamer 1:19 PM Sans, calm down.

You 1:19 PM O ok Uh So No more dogs for the kid

Frisky Dreamer 1:20 PM They are just normal food.  Deal with it however you want. It’s just that said food happens to vaguely resemble part of the human anatomy that a little girl DOES NOT need to know or think about. Just watch your words, okay?

You 1:23 PM O so im off the hook

Frisky Dreamer 1:23 PM Not hardly.

“Mr. Sans?”

Sans quickly pocketed his phone and looked over at Attie, holding her Grammar workbook to her chest.  “What’s up, kid?”

“Are you okay?”

“Uh...fine?  Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been texting for a long time now.  And you look kinda sick.”

“Heh, yeah?”  He gripped his phone, wishing he had some of that...what did humans call it?  The stuff that makes you forget stuff?  Brain bleach?  “Your mom was just telling me that ‘dogs aren’t good for ya.  So I guess that’s out.  For now, at least.”

“Awwwww.”

“Yeah, me too, kid.”  He was never going to live this down, he realized.  

“Say, uh, you done with your school?”

“I’m done with Grammar.  It was easy today.”

“Yeah, uh, great.  What’s next?”

Sans fought for focus the rest of the afternoon.  It wasn’t so much that humans apparently had some weird kinky ideas about what to do with their gross squishy body parts and fluids (though that was part of it); it was the fact that he’d lived on the surface for seven years and had never come across such an idea.  Did humans think it was weird that a monster had a hot dog stand?  Why had no one said anything to him?

Oh, right.  He was a rude, violent asshole who hated people.

That...probably explained a lot.

Still.

“Can you help me with art today?”  Attie asked.

“Uh, I’m not really an artsy guy, kid.”

“It’s okay.  Everyone can do art.  Making art is a way of showing other people how you see the world; that’s what Mommy says.”

“That sounds…” kinda whimpy, actually, “...cool?”

“Yep!  And today I’m feeling spikey!”

“Wait, what?”

“Do you have toothpicks and glue, Mr. Sans?”

As it happened, Sans found an unopened jumbo box of toothpicks in the back of a drawer.  Attie found glue...somewhere.  He wasn’t sure he wanted to know where.  “What now?”

“Now, we build stuff!  Here, can you hold this?”

Over the next hour or so, Attie glued toothpicks (and half of Sans’s fingers) into a spiked wooden death trap.  It was actually a little impressive.  The design was basic - a pit trap with spikes in the bottom - but the pit cover had working hinges that allowed it to drop open in the middle...once he disentangled himself from it.  They’d found a pair of old bottle caps, and gluing one on each side of the pit cover gave the two halves enough of a counter-weight to reset themselves each time.  She found a bag of grapes in the fridge and amused herself with rolling them over the top of the pit and watching them fall to their squishy deaths on the toothpicks below.

There wasn’t enough force to actually impale the grapes properly, but it was the thought that counted.  For a seven-year-old, she was well on her way towards carrying on the proud monster tradition of death traps.  Not for the first time, Sans wondered if he should be worried.

Then the kiddo surprised him.  She’d been rolling grapes onto the death trap, watching the cover open and close, and out of the blue she asked why it worked the way it did.  Sans hadn’t expected that, not from a kid her age, but gave her an overview of the physics.  She was trying to understand, he knew, but her eyes glazed over halfway through his explanation.

“...Well, that’s enough for today.  We’d better head out if you wanna go see your mom.”

“Okay!  Can I bring my deadly death trap of grape death?”

“I...think that’d be a bad idea.  You don’t wanna scare the humans, do ya?”

“Yep!  I wanna scare ALL the humans!  Well, except for the people at the Embassy.  They’re nice.”

“Oookay.  You don’t think the doctors are nice?”

“Nnnope!  They give you shots and take your temper’ture and do things that make your soul feel funny.  They try to bribe you with stickers but Mommy said that she got candy as a kid and that’s way better than stickers.”

“Eh, fair enough.  Put your shoes and jacket on and we’ll go terrorize some doctors.  Uh...without your death trap.”

“Aawww!  Why?”

“Think of it as...a challenge?”

Attie whooped a wild war cry and charged off to find her outerwear.  She really was like a little Boss in some ways.

He was sure he was forgetting something.  What had Undyne said?

Oh.  Right.

You 4:42 PM Hey undyne im gonna take the kid to see her mom

Capn Undie 4:44 PM HANG ON ASSHOLE

There was a long pause, and Sans took the time to retrieve his ID from where he’d left it in the pocket of his other pants.  He hated disturbing the sanctity of his laundry pile but showing up without identification to one of Undyne’s checkpoints was always unpleasant.

His phone gave a loud ping.

Capn Undie 4:53 PM You’re cleared with security.  Room 249, down the hall and around the corner from the old room.  BRING YOUR ID and we’ll have no problems, got it??

You 4:56 PM Got it

Capn Undie 4:59 PM And don’t even THINK about causing trouble or I’ll have you KICKED OUT.  You can sit outside while Attie does whatever she does visiting her mom.  I’m sure there’s a kiddie chair we can grab for you.

Sans narrowed his eye sockets.  “Hey, Attie?  You ready to go yet?”

“Not yet!”  Attie appeared with her shoes on, holding her jacket.  “My laces were being doo-doo-butts,” she said conversationally.

“...Right.  Okay.  Hey, why don’t you grab that death trap after all?  And some grapes; we can show yer mom how it works.”

“Physics!”  Attie screamed as she stumbled off to find her creation.

Sans grinned.