#but yeah between now and Christmas it’s literally like a $2000 difference so idk idk idk idk idk idk idk

[didnt-hear-idsb-live-again]

I actually feel so sick to my stomach trying to decide between this Free People job and the one I currently have why does the current one have to pay so fucking well and Free People have to pay so fucking bad

[misscrawfords]

I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward! 

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.

[evenstevensranked]

#46: Season 3, Episode 14 - “Dirty Work”

This episode was pretty popular. Ren and Principal Wexler have a falling out after she starts to realize he assigns her all of his “dirty work.” So, Larry Beale ends up temporarily taking over as Wexler’s student assistant. Petty drama ensues. Meanwhile, during the plot everyone remembers: Louis decides to start his own "Lumberjack Club" as an excuse to slack off in school. Where all they do is hang around, speak with semi-hillbilly accents, eat pancakes and wear flannels.

Let me start off by saying... To this day, people fondly remember the Lumberjack Club as if it were some major thing, but in reality it was only a (very) small subplot. That’s crazy to me. I did my research, and this Lumberjack Club plot resonated with people so much that students were directly inspired to start their own Lumberjack Clubs at school irl. I’m not joking. Here are some more examples. 

All of these clubs have basically the same mission statement as Louis’ and were formed in the Early 2000s. This alone made me feel like I should rank the episode much higher for “iconic” points. Buuuut, this was never one of my personal favorites *gasp!* and that’s outweighing a lot of things for me. So, please know that I had an extreme internal struggle when deciding where to put this one. I was originally going to rank this around #59-55. But, I didn’t think that was fair enough to the ~cultural impact~ it made, and decided to put it here at #46. That being said… let’s get into it.

This one opens with Coach Tugnut driving up to his school parking spot singing “‘cause I got a brand new suit, and pair of shoes to match! I wish I had a mustache—“ before he gets cut off by Ren. I just felt like those lyrics were worth sharing honestly. She tells him that Wexler has ordered his parking spot to be moved a block and a half away from the school. We find out the reason why when Wexler comes driving up in a new red convertible. He wanted that spot for himself. Idk why Wexler needed Tugnut’s spot though? Surely he has his own prominent spot? He asks Ren to look into some “Lumberjack Club” he came across while looking over the school budget.

What is up with Ren’s pants, btw? This outfit always bothered me. When I was young I always thought they were, like.. freaking Louis Vuitton pants or something, lol. I mentioned before that her wardrobe starts to include loud patterns and gives off an overall “older” and stuffy vibe towards the end of the series. 

The camera pans over to Louis and Twitty, who are accepting and signing off on a syrup delivery. They recycle their code names (Lars Honeytoast and Frenchie Von Richter) from an earlier episode in the series when accepting the order. The delivery man refers to Twitty as "Mr. Honeytoast." This is such a small thing that’s easy to miss, but it’s awesome and top notch casual continuity! I really like it.

It’s “New England’s Finest” syrup. I’m from Boston. This pleases me, tbh.

It cuts to Lumberjack Club! Where Louis, Twitty, Tawny and Tom are cooking pancakes and celebrating the fact that they’ve upgraded their syrup to premium quality, lol. “Lumber Tawn” asks “Lumber Lou” (yes, these are the nicknames they’ve given themselves) to tell them how he came up with the idea for the club again. Louis goes on to tell the story of the club’s origins. The hillbilly accent really kicks in now, accentuated by bluegrass music in the background. He starts off by saying “Well, ‘bout two weeks ago, when yous kids was much younger… everyone was siiignin’ up for cluuuubs.” That is one of my favorite lines though. Not gonna lie. He explains that anyone could get money to form a club as long as they got 50 signatures. So he decided to create a Lumberjack Club after remembering his “deep and loyal love for the pancake.” Incredible. 

Dat face tho.

Right about now is when Ren comes walking in, finding the four of them toasting to The Lumberjack. (See first image.) She grills them about what kind of club they are and what sort of things they do. Louis starts pulling crap out of his butt saying “We sing Lumberjack Songs.” Ren asks them to sing one and it’s great. None of them are in sync. They’re all making stuff up off the top of their heads and clashing miserably. The best part is Tom -- who’s repeatedly saying "Wood... Wood... Wood..." God bless Tom.

Louis says they’re “legit… with a big L!” “…and a small ‘egit’!” Twitty finishes. I feel like this is worth mentioning because one of the real-life clubs’ requirements for joining is that you have to “be legit.” Oh my god. Obviously, Ren vows to shut down the club.

Wexler surprises Ren with her own desk outside of his office. We’re getting into creepy territory again, guys. Wexler makes Ren, a 14-15 year old, do ALL OF HIS WORK while he goes out gallivanting in his new car. Remember when I said that Ren Stevens is basically the principal of Lawrence Jr. High…? Well, this episode really exemplifies that and takes it to a new level. She literally takes over as principal. How is this not illegal?

One of her tasks for the day is to fire the school janitor. Wow. (Fun fact: Jackie the Janitor is played by Knobby Frostybump -- the old elf from the Lizzie McGuire Christmas episode lol) This is the last straw for Ren. She confronts Wexler and quits being his assistant. But much like in Ren-Gate, that doesn’t last long. Over the course of a period, she gets all emo and decides she wants her job back. But, oh no! When she goes back to the office, guess who’s already taken over for her? Larry Beale. Dang, that was fast.

Another lazy name flub happens again here. Larry is polishing his nameplate and it reads "Lawrence M. Beale" when earlier in the series they say his full name on a few different occasions and it's "Lawrence Anthony Beale." I don't understand why something like this is so difficult to remember?! Although, I actually always thought it was weird that Larry's middle name was Anthony because Louis’ full name is Louis Anthony Stevens. Even weirder... The actor who plays Beans is named Steven Anthony Lawrence. What a strange coincidence. 

Ren and Wexler are being extremely passive aggressive towards each other while Larry sits there gloating. Out of spite, Ren decides to become Tugnut's new assistant instead. Like he even needs one. It becomes a petty, all out war between the pairs.

It’s Larry’s job to shut down Lumberjack Club now, so he busts into their meeting the next day. I’m pretty sure they’re not even going to class anymore. They hired a marimba player named Nate to entertain them during club meetings — which I think is absolutely hilarious. It might just be because I'm a musician, but any music-related humor kills me. I mean, a MARIMBA PLAYER?! And this dude is such a Jazz cat. It’s great. This is honestly probably my favorite scene in the whole episode:

So, yeah. Lumberjack Club needs to make an educational presentation in order to stay a thing.

Tugnut is chilling in a lawn chair, eating a burrito and telling his life story (”I thought about moving to Canada, but I don’t speak Canadian...”) while Ren does work on his car. Now she’s a mechanic. This is child abuse, I swear. She’s about to quit as his assistant, but she looks up and sees Larry and Wexler blissfully driving around in his convertible. She gets jealous and keeps working for Tugnut. These student/teacher relationships are so, so strange and not appropriate. Let’s be real... 

Anyway, the whole assistant war thing starts to come to an end when it becomes obvious that Ren is much more qualified and has a better relationship and understanding with Wexler than Larry does. Larry royally messes up as Wexler's assistant and ends up doing a lot of things wrong. Including inviting Wexler’s mother to school, putting nutmeg in his coffee, and forgetting to pay Wexler’s car insurance bill. (Really, what adult would trust a 14-15 year old to pay their bills…) 

Louis organizes the most impressive Lumberjack Club presentation ever within a few hours at the most. I do like seeing Louis at least fully see his schemes through, though. So that’s nice, I guess.

It’s like a freaking carnival.

Nate returns as the musical entertainment. I love this guy, lol. Everything’s going well, until Louis and Twitty chop down a tree during a demonstration which falls on Wexler’s car. Ouch. Wexler’s devastated and sobbing, but manages to mutter “Look what they’ve done to my sweet, sweet ride!” through tears. That made me laugh harder than I probably should’ve. Wexler faints when he finds out Larry didn’t send the insurance payment, and nowww Ren is responsible for Wexler’s literal life. 

Something always gotta go wrong. Louis was actually sort of pulling this whole Lumberjack thing off.

Wexler could be on his deathbed right now and it’s up to Ren to save him. Wow. “Breathe, Principal Wexler! Breathe!!!”

Turns out Ren sneakily sent out the insurance payment the other day and everything’s fine. The episode ends with Ren becoming Wexler’s assistant again. The end. 

So yeah, that’s it. I’m still shocked at how short the Lumberjack Club plot actually is. Pretty crazy how it somehow managed to burn itself into the memories of so many people. I’m also like, 99% positive it was inspired by this Monty Python skit. There’s even a song playing during the school presentation that’s near identical melodically (and lyrically a bit) to the one sung in this skit. The fact that it’s just a subplot also affected my ranking, because I’m not the biggest fan of this episode’s main plot. I love Larry/Ren conflict.. but this situation is just... slightly annoying to me for some reason. ALSO! I realized the other day that I should base my rankings on character development, as well. I’ve actually been doing that subconsciously so far, I think. Barring a few, the majority have been filler episodes basically. No material that actually advances the overall arc of the show. Just random, silly plots -- which makes it difficult for me to really consider it a “good” or “great” episode. And unfortunately, that’s what Lumberjack Club is to me. I’m so sorry. I just love these characters so much, so when there’s little to no character growth in an episode.. it sort of bothers me. I know the show is silly, but there’s a lot of heart there as well. Episodes that have a little meat to them are the ones I’m more fond of. 

We’ve officially reached the point in my list where I drew a line separating the lower half from the better half though, guys! The ball’s really rolling now. I’m excited. 

Thanks for reading! Were you a Lumberjack Club fan? Did you start your own?! Please, do tell. Haha. 

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[chelsorz07]

ooh yaaas 100 questions. please don’t unfollow me for posting a million of these tonight

Are you young at heart, or an old soul? Both I guess? Like the activities I enjoy are what most people my age would consider boring, but I’m not mature enough to take care of myself.

What makes someone a best friend? Someone who doesn’t abandon you no matter how busy you both get or how far apart you are, who makes you laugh, who you can do absolutely nothing with and still have a good time, who you can talk to about anything without judgement or having your feelings invalidated, and ideally someone with the same or similar taste in music so you can jam the fuck out in the car together.

What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most? My first guitar when I was 14.

Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. Supernatural has changed my life by consuming it.

Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I like my face and hate just about everything else. Psoriasis makes my skin terrible and my body hurt everywhere all the time, my hair never cooperates, I can’t lose weight, and my boobs are too big so they hurt as well. I suppose my nails are kinda pretty. At least as far as shape. Underneath they look terrible, also because of the psoriasis, but I always have them painted.

Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? The friends I’m still in contact with are the only ones I need. Shouts out to @amandavanhalen​ and @sloan28allday​

What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? I mean, both.

Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title. Oh jeez...um...Mean Girls 2? Because nothing could ever be as good as the original.

What holiday do you most look forward to? Fourth of July. Except this year I did absolutely nothing because I’m stuck here all alone and have no money.

How is the relationship between you and your parents? Dad: used to be horrible but now is good and I really miss him and he’s one of the main reasons I want to move home. Mom: used to be good as long as we swept all our issues under the rug, then got really bad because I refused to do that anymore, and now is getting a little better because we’ve had so much distance between us for two years and haven’t been able to be at each other’s throats all the time.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? The Netflix home screen.

Name a song that never fails to make you happy. The Jock Jams Mega Mix. Don’t judge me.

You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. He’s my best friend in the entire world. 

Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? I don’t get on Craigslist because where I lived wasn’t even listed under the cities. We have Pennswoods Classifieds.

If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? Bradford. Unless I could pack my family and friends up and take them to Nashville with me.

Can money buy happiness? Yes. Not that material things equal happiness. But money would definitely buy me a house in Bradford so I could be with the people I love.

Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? Used to drink, don’t anymore because I either get so smashed that I puke and cry and pass out or have half a beer and want to take a nap. Smoke at least a pack a day. Have smoked weed and done a few different types of pills, but they also just made me sleepy so I don’t see the point.

Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. I don’t really fully trust anyone but my dad.

Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? The Erie County Fair. It was like a big deal okay?

Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? Once. Got my tonsils out when I was 10. But everything else I’ve gone for has been same day.

Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? One or two. 

Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? My parents like country and so do I because I was raised on it, but my musical tastes extend far beyond that and theirs don’t. My dad likes some classic rock too but my mom doesn’t.

Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? Yes and yes.

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza.

If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? I’ve been married for two years and haven’t had sex since February (not my choice, he’s just uninterested) so I think I can live without it. I’d rather do it myself anyway. It’s faster, less gross, less weird, less painful, and I know I’ll have an orgasm every time.

Do you believe in a god? No. I’m a Satanist, which means I believe in self-indulgence, not that I worship the devil. Since most people are fucking uneducated sheep who seem to think that’s what it is.

Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr? Because I know everyone I follow has the same interests as me and won’t think I’m crazy because of my passion for those interests.

What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track? I don’t track tags, I just follow pages with content that I like.

Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” Lower middle class.

Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. I just watched Parks and Rec in its entirety this week and I fucking love it.

Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Dave bought me my last guitar off of HSN.

If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? I’d stop driving but I don’t think I’d give up my car because it’s freaking AWESOME, I’d just hire someone to drive it for me.

If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? I’d go back to 2015 and say “Get married in a fucking courthouse because marriage is cool but weddings are terrible.”

What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I don’t know if this counts as quirky but if I like a movie or tv show I can memorize the entire thing after watching it twice.

What is “normal?” Are you normal? There’s no such thing.

Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? Of course. I don’t care about strangers, only people in my life. Don’t give a shit if that makes me a horrible person.

What is one thing you could never forgive? It’s not a matter of forgiving anymore, I just stop caring. Like you’ve fucked me over, you’re gonna continue to fuck me over, I’m not even surprised.

Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? My relationship never had a honeymoon period and I’m still in it after eight years so.

Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? Yes.

Where do you and your friends go to hang out? We don’t because they live too far away.

Write the first paragraph of your obituary. I don’t want an obituary. Or a funeral. Just burn me and cast me into the wind.

What is the best TV theme song ever? The Friends theme, OBVS. But the Buffy theme is my jam too. Shouts out to Nerf Herder.

When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? A musician.

When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? Only from the bathroom to my bedroom. Which is literally two steps.

What gets you out of bed in the morning? The urge to pee. And it’s not so much “in the morning” as it is “every motherfucking hour of the day”.

Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? Nope. Two is good.

What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? Realizing how badly I want to move back to PA.

You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? I’d probably work somewhere just so I didn’t get bored.

Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? I’ve been in a straight-up long distance one before and it didn’t work. Dave and I are sorta long distance because he’s out of town for work for two weeks at a time, then home for six days before it starts all over again. And honestly I think the time apart is WHY we work. Because if I had to spend every moment of every day with him, someone would get their throat cut.

What’s the best route to your heart? Don’t treat me like shit. It’s really not that hard. Or maybe it is, idk.

Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? No.

What is your favorite sport? Football.

What has been troubling you lately? Not having a job. I just got one though. I’m excited because the people seem cool and it’s at a store I love so helllll yeah 20% discount.

Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? I did not go. Because I was hanging out in a cemetery with friends and that was more fun.

What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? I try to avoid problems at all costs but if I actually have to solve one I’m usually more logical.

Do you know what makes you happy? Escaping reality.

Tell me about the last book you read. I don’t even know what it was.

What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? Couldn’t tell ya. I don’t get a lot of them.

Who was your first crush? Celeb: Luke Perry. IRL: Charlie Burns. I’ve mentioned this before. He’s still hot.

Do you believe that there is life on other planets? Don’t care.

Predict what your life will look like a year from now. Hopefully my address will be in Pennsylvania instead of Ohio.

Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. His ex was a crazy, lying, abusive bitch and he only got away from her after we graduated because she was a year behind us, so we started talking online and then texting and just decided we were in a relationship but it was doomed from the beginning.

Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? Renna’s Pizza, oh how I miss you.

What is something you want to change about your current situation? My address, my health, my weight, my bank account, and the fact that I am almost 28 and childless. So yeah pretty much everything. Oh, I also want it to be October because I’m tired of waiting for SPN and TWD.

Early bird or night owl? Night.

Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? Lots.

Give me an unpopular opinion you have. I don’t like Game of Thrones. Really wanted to, I just thought it was boring.

What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Weightless - All Time Low.

Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. Dover, Ohio. I know I complain about it a lot but it really is a lovely city. There’s tons of things to do and places to eat. Certainly a lot more places to find a job. I just want to go home where my family and friends are.

Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? FUCK. NO. This is the only generation where you don’t have to earn your accolades and it turns kids into giant wimps, sore losers, and even worse, sore winners. Drives me up a wall.

What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? Took us about 12 hours to get to Cumming, GA because idk if you’ve ever driven through the Smoky Mountains but holy BALLS are those roads scary.

Have you ever taken part in a protest? I protest things all the time. Just not in public with people because I don’t like public or people.

Would you ever use an online dating service? I signed up for a few back in the day but never actually met or even talked to anyone I was matched with.

What is your ethnic heritage? White. Mostly Irish/English.

Describe a person that inspires you. Not necessarily specific people, just musicians. Music is my heart and soul and I wish I had half the talent or drive that any of them do.

If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? I mean yeah any money is good money at this point.

Do you believe in luck? No.

Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. I’m sure it wasn’t that long ago, and I’m also sure I was more angry than the situation warranted, but I really can’t remember right now.

Do you want to live until you’re 100? Hell no I don’t even want to live till I’m 70.

Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? People change on a daily basis. And if you’re in a relationship, you’re either gonna change and grow with each other, or you’re gonna grow apart. Or fall apart. There’s nothing you can do about it. 

Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? Every guy I’ve ever been with or liked was my friend first, so there’s always that risk. Usually it doesn’t turn out as bad as you thought. I mean, Mike and I were friends, then together, then on and off throughout several years, then didn’t speak for a long time, then almost got back together, then didn’t speak again and now we’re best friends. Shit just happens that way. Onnnn the other hand, there’s a girl I like but I can’t tell her because she’s got a boyfriend and I’ve got a husband and I probably won’t even be living here a year from now so it’d be pointless anyway. But she’s a lovely person and doesn’t annoy me like most super-chipper people do so I’m glad to be her friend. 

Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? If I don’t like the activity I’ll probably just be surly and ruin everyone else’s good time, and I don’t want my best friends pissed off at me for that, so I’ll say doing something I enjoy alone.

Do you practice what you preach? I don’t really preach anything. Or practice anything. Look man, I literally just sit on my couch watching Netflix and playing Words With Friends on my phone. I’m not that complex of a person.

If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? I try my absolute hardest to avoid any situation that could potentially be dangerous. 

What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? Intelligence.

Are you hard-headed? You betcha. Not complaining. Thanks dad.

Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? I think that’s when I laugh the most.

When have you felt most alive? Any time I’m at a concert.

Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? Suburbs but of a small town.

Do you often skip breakfast? I don’t have legit meals. I just eat whatever when I’m hungry.

How do you know what true love is? You don’t. Nothing is ever that straightforward. It’s just trial and error.

Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? No, I’d like to decide.

Where is “home” for you? Bradford.

What song best describes your life right now? Weightless. It’s described my life since the first time I heard it eight years ago.

Do you want to be perfect? Again, no such thing.

What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? I want to go to the motherland (Ireland) and Greece, but it’s expensive, I don’t fly, don’t have a passport, and am scared of other countries.

How do you express your creativity? Music, art, makeup, and the way I dress. Which is literally just band t-shirts and flannels. So also music.

Describe your neighborhood. Decently clean, lots of duplexes, a couple weird neighbors but nothing scary, some old people, and there’s an elementary or middle school (not sure which) one block over so it gets kinda noisy and the street is busy when it’s not summer.

Name something you only liked because it was popular. I’ve never liked anything based on popularity. I just like what I like. And usually it’s not popular at all. At least not where I’m from.

Give me the story of your life in six words. I don’t know what I’m doing.