#but the way he words it is yikes in the context of what happened in 2021. not to mention the way true coolers are reacting

[meowmeowmessi]

yeah xavi's starting to piss me off

[jensthwa]

we can't be friends (CS x reader).

part of the love's an uncharted path universe ★.

SUMMARY:

San is your first love. He broke your heart and played with your feelings without even kissing you back when you two were in highschool. Now, many years later, you do your best to avoid crossing paths with him because there's just no way you could ever hate him, but there's also no way you two can be friends again. But his best friend is also one of your best friends, so there's only so much you can do to avoid San when he arranges a dinner you're forced to go to.

PAIRING: first love!choi san x afab reader.

GENRE: one shot (fluff, angst, smut)

WORD COUNT: 20k (yikes).

WARNINGS: SMUT ☽ (MINORS DNI) attempt !!! at comedy, unnecesary pinning, a looot of context, bad friends :(, some arguing, tension, drinking and drunk behavior, tears, making out, description of female anatomy, oral (f reciving), fingering, love making, pet names (babe, baby), flirty seonghwa, wooyoung being a little shit again but also a genius, gyuri almost commiting a crime.

NOTES: hi everyone! this is a lenghty one, i know, but trust me when I say the context is necessary to understand what reader goes through with san. also, some of this may or may not have happened to me (have fun figuring out which part) (it's quite obvious tbh). THIS IS PART OF THE SHOW AND TELL UNIVERSE BUT CAN BE READ AS A STAND ALONE, even though there's some references and characters that you can only know if you read s&t lol. this is 100% self indulgent, as all fics should be, and i think i've re-read it so many times that if you find a typo or something that just doesn't make sense, you can blame it on english not being my first language i guess lmao. i hope you enjoy it and if you do feel free to send/reblog/type in any feedback or thoughts! <3

POSTED: august 06 2024.

permanent taglist: @hotteokkay, @potatomountain, @fairylover68

masterlist.

You and Choi San go way back. 

Well, it's nine years way back? You were only fourteen when you first saw him. 

He moved back to your area of the city a year after you moved from an entirely different one. You thought you knew every school secret there ever was, provided by your new best friend, Gyuri, but she didn't tell you about him at all. 

She claimed that it was because he didn't cause any stir the years they studied together before and after spending a whole first period in your eighth grade classroom with him at the back of the class, silently taking notes, you couldn't phantom why.

He was great at every subject, seemed to have a lot of popular friends and was, overall, a pretty nice guy. He was also very cute, skinny but you could tell he was the kind of guy who played a sport outside of school hours and he had a cute pair of dimples that showed everytime you scanned the classroom just to lay eyes on him. 

Choi San was a perfect boy to crush on, even a perfect guy just to have as eye candy during recess. You felt really strongly about him, not really forming a full opinion although your gut told you right away you were right. There was something about him… but you only figured that something until later, next year, starting your ninth grade. 

Gyuri and you were avid readers. Precocious girls, with minds way above your age. All your teachers praised came laced with the same compliment so you both decided that was the truth. You rejoiced in it, thinking you shared things in common with the grown ups and decided that that was the key to feeling a little superior in comparison to the rest of your classmates, who neither of you liked very much. 

Until they all decided to start dating each other and you two realized you were nothing but two kids with great imaginations and a love for school, praise and fictional men that couldn't be translated to the real world without sounding delusional and weird. 

So you decided to do something about it. And so, on a random Tuesday recess, you two scanned the crowd trying to find two boys (or a boy and a girl, because you always knew you liked girls too) worthy of your affections. One for her, one for you. Bonus points if the two of them were also best friends, of course. 

Double dates were all the buzz at the time anyways. 

Besides, only then they could understand the bond you and Gyuri had. Sisterhood like no other, nevermind Gyuri actually had an older sister and a niece at the ripe age of fifteen. 

And so when your index finger scanned the crowd and eliminated at least three potential crushes before landing on Choi San, you felt like it was meant to be. 

You see, his best friend, Jung Wooyoung, was perfect for Gyuri to crush on. He was almost as tall as she was at the time and his easy, outgoing personality was compatible with her book crush at the time as well. 

He also flirted with her on several occasions before that. 

So it was meant to be. 

Choi San, on the other hand, had never even glanced in your direction before. 

Just like your book crush did before he fell in love with the main character. 

See? Meant. To. Be. 

It was decided then that, although Choi San was not going to be your first crush ever, he was going to be the guy that motivated you to be at school for the time being, because math gets really boring after trying and failing at least ten times. 

You thought nothing of it when it felt a little forced, when you couldn't blush at all at the sight of him and you gathered that it didn't need to happen like in the books you read. You simply needed to say his name when someone asked you if you had a crush on anyone and that was enough to be in symphony with the rest of your classmates. 

Your longing glances were caught once or twice by him and you brushed the weird flip your stomach did everytime he looked away, blushing a little. You never really cared when it happened, really, knowing his crowd and your crowd (Gyuri and you) would never even cross paths in the first place. 

You two kept to yourselves and your little book unofficial book club, sitting on the floor at lunch time and cursing everyone who dared to call you weird for it. San and Wooyoung had a crowd of people at the loudest table laughing with them over stupid teen jokes and, uh, sports? You didn't even know. 

And then the unimaginable happened. 

Jung Wooyoung sat down, criss cross applesauce and everything, in front of you on a random Monday afternoon while you and Gyuri discussed the english assignment due next period. 

Gyuri was not too excited about that. 

Turns out, the only one excited to have a crush at school was you. She was very much still in the Lonely Hearts Club phase while you skipped all the way to your The Notebook phase and she was, in her own words, too afraid to admit it when you came up with your crush plan. 

You forgave her, of course, and decided to wait for her as long as needed because you were certainly not about to be an individual and have a crush on your own. 

And by the time Wooyoung smiled at you both and introduced himself to you, like you weren't in the same class for a year already, you thought your pretend crush on his best friend evaporated and joined the void superficial and fleeting interests you had. 

But then Choi San sat beside him, his knee brushing against yours in the process, and you knew you would have to issue a formal apology to your best and only friend for leaving her behind on this little thing. 

Because, oh boy, were you crushing on Choi San. 

You felt the blush rush to your cheeks and then fell silent while your friend and his friend discussed Fifty Shades of Grey for some reason you never cared enough to discover and you knew you were done for.

It was the first time seeing his dimples in full action, so close to you, so you completely stopped functioning all together. Amazing. 

When you decided to have a crush, you never took into account that you were, actually, quite shy. And he really wasn't, but you noticed that he knew when to talk and what to say and with your friend being a lot more outgoing that you were it gave you the comfort that she would speak for the both of you while you admired from the sidelines as your little duo became a group of friends you still miss deeply to this day. 

He was funny and you laughed at your jokes even though you pretended to be tired and completely worn out by the school day, resting your head on Gyuri’s shoulder and stealing glances at the boy while she kept arguing with his best friend. 

Wooyoung was popular and liked enough to have a few people sit with you later that week, people who never even knew you existed before that. They were good friends with San as well, so you tried your best to keep up with everyone until she sat down next to you one day. 

Arin was not really a bad person. She just was a bit conceited, calling herself princess type of conceited and you never really related to her even if she was nice to you to your face. She was absolutely gorgeous and, you found out with Wooyoung’s arm around your shoulder and a whisper to your ear, she had been San’s crush since they were both in elementary school. 

That would explain the sudden tension at the table when she sat down next to you, said hello to everyone, offered you a sweet she just bought from the cafeteria, and stared at San for the remainder of lunch time. 

You also noticed Wooyoung glaring at her a little and he later explained to you that he didn't really like her all that much. She loved attention and San gave her attention, so she would intentionally flirt with him to get her ego stroked in return. 

It didn't really matter how he felt about the girl, though, he didn't have to like her just because his best friend did. And when you caught her batting her eyelashes at San, you knew you didn't even stand a chance.

You tried to hide the disappointed look on your face but both Gyuri and Wooyoung looked at you while the two of them flirted endlessly for the remainder of lunch time and you figured you were doing a pretty shitty job at it. He didn't glance at you once either way, so it didn't really matter. 

Arin did but she just complimented your eyes and then started a conversation with someone across the table, her annoying sweet and fake voice making your right ear ring in disapproval. 

Either way, you ended up becoming her friend. Gyuri was not very fond of her and neither were you, but you all went to the bathroom together, did your makeup together, did school projects together and then sat everyday at lunch together with the rest of the guys who were, in one way or another, trying to get her to like them. 

Because, once again, she was a sight for sore eyes. 

It wasn't until later, in the middle of the year, that one of them did. Not Choi San, but Choi Yeonjun. 

You remember the day you found out they were together and the gut wrenching concern you felt when you found out that San was not at school that day. 

It was after summer break, you remember Wooyoung telling you that San and his family took a few more days of vacation and if you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the new couple sharing a sweet kiss at the designated lunch table, you could only imagine how San felt the next day when he saw the same image right in front of him. 

Yeonjun was his friend, right? He knew about his crush and decided to get together with her anyways. Surely, San was devastated. 

But he wasn't. He just cheered them on and then laughed along when Yeonjun shoved his arm playfully after the hollering. 

But you saw through it. 

Your crush on San made you observant. Made you believe you knew him better than everyone else and so, after lunch, you took out your phone and pulled up the notes app. Writing a simple “are you okay?” in it and passing it to him the next second, you were surprised with yourself before you saw him frown a bit. And then he understood what you meant. 

Nodding, he passed you the phone back, before giving you a reassuring smile that you treasured in your heart and saw in your dreams. 

You didn't believe him, though, but stayed close enough to everything related to the situation to hold Arin in your arms when Yeonjun inevitably broke her heart. 

Starting your tenth year, he moved back to his city and decided to play the I thought we weren't even that serious card on her. Which was nasty, considering love it's very, very serious for a sixteen year old girl. 

By this point, you were all a little family and hanging out after school and on the weekends was not unusual, so it didn't surprise you when Arin invited you, and only you, to her house after choir practice on a Thursday. 

She lent you her older sister’s clothes to wear (because her's would never fit you. Her words, not yours) and took you to a walk in the park just to break your heart for the first time ever. 

“You know… I thought love was something I couldn't find in highschool anymore. But San it's really making an effort, you know? He's been there for me ever since Yeonjun left and… Well, I think he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend tomorrow.” 

Grasping the park bench she forced you to sit at, you only nodded and let out a shuddering breath that gave away what she was trying to figure out since earlier that day. 

“I'll say yes but only if you say it's okay to do so.” 

Arin was not really your friend, the same way Yeonjun was not really San’s friend. 

Because there's no way you would ever be okay with it. 

And yet, you tried your best to give her a smile and pretend the sound of your heart breaking didn't bring tears to your eyes “Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?” 

A week later, they were officially dating. The rumors spread around like a wildfire and it took out of you with everyone calling San a nasty rebound and you doing your best to prioritize the ghost of the friendship you had with him. That whole fiasco lasted a few months. 

Months in which your friendship with everyone just grew stronger. Gyuri was still your best friend, Wooyoung was crushing on her hard and everyone knew, Arin and San were a steady couple, a new girl joined your class that year, named Yeri, and the principal assigned her to you because she thought you two would get along really well. 

“I like girls,” was like, the third thing she ever told you while you were showing her the school “I'm just telling you now because I don't plan on hiding it and you are wearing a pride pin.” 

“Oh, that's cool. I like girls too,” you smiled, looking at your pride pin “I didn't hide it either and no one gave me shit about it, so, don't worry.” 

Yeri also liked the mainstream music that you liked and soon she became a new addition to your group. And with Arin spending all of her free time with San, you, Gyuri and Yeri only grew closer and closer. You didn't have Arin’s voice in your ear telling you the million reasons she found Yeri uncool, but you saw it in her face every time the table laughed at one of Yeri’s jokes. 

And so, it went on for a while: 

Your mom driving all of you around in her car to the beach, to dinner, to the movies and letting you have mixed sleepovers at your house (meaning you, Arin, Gyuri, Wooyoung, Yeri and San) was fun and all, but it was not enough to distract yourself entirely. Everytime you glanced at the couple, that sinking feeling in your chest would appear and sulk your whole mood for, at least, fifteen minutes.  

Fifteen minutes of pretending you were okay with them before forgetting completely for an hour or so and then the cycle would repeat until you were alone staring at the ceiling and doing your best to not cry about it.

All it took was your first kiss being Yeri of all people for you to decide that it was time to retire your crush for Choi San once and for all. 

And for a while, it all went according to plan. You decided to tell Gyuri that it was okay because he was your friend first and the guy that you liked second and that you were not fourteen and desperate for love anymore, that it was time to go on with your life as if nothing really happened in the first place. 

You were hooking up with Yeri anyways, so it seemed like you were doing just fine. 

You grew closer to San as well and even though he mostly talked to you about Arin and whatever tantrum she was throwing at the time, you really started to feel some sense of normalcy within you when it came to just speaking to him. 

You no longer blushed when he made you laugh, you no longer looked at him with the longing of a past life lover and you were really happy for him because, at the end of the day, he was really happy with his relationship. 

Until winter break came around and Arin decided to give San his first heartbreak ever. 

She decided to call for a break in their relationship because she was, in his words, too overwhelmed with the amount of love and attention she was getting from him. 

Which was completely fucking insane considering the fact she forced him to save her contact as Princess Arin and all. 

So naturally, you sided with him. And she didn't take it to heart because everyone knew you liked San anyways. 

She told you the news herself through Facebook after asking you to explain to her the English assignment due next day and then she decided to tell you something you'll never understand because you no longer are on speaking terms with her: 

Princess Arin: u know i broke up with him because of u right? :) 

Princess Arin: one day I'll tell u all abt it. 

She never told you anything about it. And by then, you were starting your last year and San was your best friend who hung out with you everyday after school, calling you late at night and helping you with assignments through Skype. So you didn't really care. 

And as the day passed, you started understanding the connection they talked about in books and movies. You thought you did before, Gyuri being your eternal person in this world, but it felt so different with San. 

Different and good. Different and achy enough for you to want to keep it in your life. 

Your dynamic was friendly, sure, but it was alright. It consisted of banter and daring stares as well as laughter and soft moments you treasured till this day. 

“It's way too early to be this annoying, Choi San.” 

“Oh, you think this is me being annoying?”

You both got an hour of detention for disturbing the class that day. 

You loved it. 

But then, after almost a month of picking up the broken pieces of his heart one by one, and your mother giving him a self-help book to make him regain the confidence he lost during the breakup process, you realized that you were in love with him and there was nothing you could do about that. 

You noticed one friday afternoon, when he offered to pay for your and your mom's ice cream at the drive through, when he scrambled to get all the change he had on him to leave a tip for the person who handed you guys the sweet treat, that there was no way you didn't love him. 

And it was confusing as fuck when everyone else started to tell you he had feelings for you as well. 

“Think about it. You text each other good morning everyday” Yeri listed with her finger and you nodded “Then, you go to school, sit together and spend the rest of the day together” another nod “Then after school you either go get ice cream together or hang out for a bit with your mom while she drives him home. And after that, you get on Skype for the reminder of the afternoon and then he calls you on your house phone and you two spend the rest of the night talking before falling asleep on the line together,” she looked at you like you were insane for even denying the accusations made against San, but she continued anyway “And then it's rinse and repeat and it has been that way since… What? Three months ago?” 

You nodded again, defeated. 

“Girl, he likes you.” she sighed, annoyed and a little tired, before sitting on your lap and kissing your lips affectionately “And you're here making out with me instead of him. You really are a lost cause.”

That didn't stop you from hooking up with her until she found a girl who's heart was not reserved for someone else, though. Said girl went to a different school and was a year younger than all of you, but she looked very happy and stopped secretly kissing you in the school bathroom like a week after they met. 

And when she finally told everyone, you were really happy for her, but San not so much. 

It was the night you thought everything was about to change. The night you thought he was about to kiss you or you were about to kiss him, whatever happened first. 

Laying in your bed, facing each other in the dim light, he thought it was the biggest form of betrayal and pouted the whole time he explained to you why. 

He thought you liked her and you realized he didn't really pay attention to you after all. Not the way you did with him. 

Bless his heart. 

You didn't kiss him that night because he wouldn't shut up about you and Yeri. 

“I mean, why couldn't it be you? She clearly liked you if you two were hooking up for over a year” and when his hand came to rest on your back, under your shirt, you breath hitched enough for him to notice it but not enough for him to just don't do anything about it except trace the curve of your silhouette with the pad of his thumb “I don't understand why anyone would pass the opportunity to be with you.” 

Huh. Maybe he did have feelings for you. 

No. He's just being a great best friend. Don't take that for granted. 

But it was impossible for you not to take Yeri’s words seriously as time went on. 

You didn't want to think he was giving you mixed signals, but yet again there was that one time when you reached behind your passenger seat in your mothers car to pinch his leg playfully after he pulled on your hair a little bit from behind, only to end up holding his hand the rest of the car trip to his house. 

His fingers slowly caressing the back of your hand were just too much for you not to get everything mixed up. 

Or that other time when your school held a Woman's Day event, and your class president decided that all the boys in the class were going to give roses to the girls.

When it was your turn to get a rose, you knew no one would give you one. But Yeri stood in line and collected a rose from the bin before the class president had the opportunity to say anything else. 

“I'll take that, thank you very much.” She turned to you, smiling. San blocked her way to you a second after. 

“And just what do you think you're doing?” 

“Giving my best girl a rose, of course.” She peeked around him, giving you a wink that you could only roll your eyes to. 

San turned to you, the fondness in his eyes making you question the decision of not pretending to be sick that day. It was too much for you to handle. 

“To the back of the line, then. I already called dibs on her,” he turned to your friend, snatching the rose from her hand in one swift move “I'll take that, thank you very much.” 

He had no idea what that meant to you back then. It was true that, at school, he behaved a little differently than when you two were alone. 

He was athletic, so he had some friends that you were sure used to ask him what the fuck was he doing wasting his time with a girl like you instead of getting a new girlfriend. 

He had a family that didn't approve of yours, too. You felt it the first time you met his mom and, even though she was nice to you and your mom, you could feel the judgemental stare she gave both of you when your mom told her she was a single parent. 

San told you that it didn't really matter, that his mom didn't have to like you because you weren't her friend, you were his. 

He played with your feelings a little too well. Wanting him, adoring him and letting yourself be consumed by the thought of him loving you back was enough to keep it going. To ignore the fluttering way your heart kept beating whenever he talked to you which was all the time. 

You assumed the way he behaved with you in private was the real him. The one who didn't care about appearances or his family approval. 

The one who cared about you. 

It was dizzying and fantastic and you thought he just might've been the love of your life. 

But then he would tell you how much it hurted when he saw Arin at school and how much he missed her, the intimacy they shared before, and reality would come crashing down and setting your delusions on fire again. 

He had sex with Arin. You would never stand a chance. 

Or so you thought he did. Except when you overheard Arin speaking to her friends and that was the first time you ever got mad at Choi San.

“And, you know, me and San were never intimate like that so I wouldn't know but I think boys have no idea how to please a woman if they tried to.” 

What? 

Oh. So he lied to you. 

And you were so upset by the thought of him making up stories of their intimate time together that it didn't even cross your mind that Arin might've been lying to save face. 

So when he came back from the bathroom and sat at his usual desk in front of you, you didn't even think about his feelings when you decided to treat him like shit for lying about something so important like sex to your face. 

“Leave me alone, San! I don't want to fucking talk to you right now!” 

The hurt expression he gave you after that is one you would never be able to forget. 

But you grew to be stubborn and a little overprotective of your own feelings, so you thought him playing the part of your best friend all these months and sweet talking to you was just another one of his lies. 

“You guys not being friends right now doesn't make any fucking sense, sweetheart.” Wooyoung's tone is careful and laced with affection, but you knew he was playing the devil's advocate on behalf of San. With his arm around Gyuri’s shoulder (by that point, they were a thing for over two months) you could swear you saw him smirk when the nickname brought a scowl to your face. 

He might've been worried, but he was also a little shit. 

“You really are going to let Arin ruin what you two have?” Your best friend was, of course, on your side. But she was your best friend for a reason and her love included pointing out when you were behaving like an infant at the age of seventeen and a half. 

“You two are practically dating and you're going to let the evil ex-girlfriend get in the way? Over something you weren't even supposed to hear in the first place? Come on.” 

Again, Wooyoung was a little shit. And you were so upset about everything that you shyness couldn't even help the fury behind your reply: 

“Stop saying that! We are not practically dating, he's in love with Arin and I'm not sure I even like him like that anymore!” Getting tired of everyone and their mother (your mother) feeding your delusions, you came to the conclusion that putting a stop to your friendship with Choi San was for the best. 

And, in doing so, you ended up breaking your own heart for the second time in your life. 

But he didn't put up an easy fight at all. You remember the feeling of pure joy when he grabbed your hand on the way to the cafeteria one day, pulling you so hard you almost ended up sitting in his lap, and the way his pleading eyes begged you to listen to him one last time. 

“Us not being friends doesn't feel right, Y/N…” he said and the word he used to categorize what both of you had hurted you, but you pushed the feeling away “Please, let's not fight anymore. I don't even know what happened, but I forgive you for yelling at me and I hope you forgive me for whatever it is you think I did.” 

Of course, you forgave him the next second without thinking too much about it. And for a while, everything went back to normal. You Skyped as usual and occasionally you let your other friends join the call even though it didn't really feel like it used to before. 

The next thing you knew, your feelings were in full bloom again and when you realized it, it was too late. 

Because by then, you had already let your childhood friend, Sunhee, join a few Skype calls and by the fourth one she invited her friend, Minseo, to them as well. 

Terrible, terrible mistake. Because even through the screen, you could see that Minseo looked a lot like Arin with the added bonus that she was down to earth and cool and liked the same things San liked.

You liked the same things San liked as well, but it never seemed to matter. 

Because not even two months after you decided to stop talking to San over a lie you weren't supposed to find out in the first place and then became friends one more time, he gets together with Minseo and you're sick to your stomach all over again. 

You hated her. Not because she was, suddenly, his girlfriend (not girlfriend girlfriend, but in a friends with benefits arrangement you never even knew why he agreed on in the first place) but because suddlenly she was so fucking obnoxious and didn't seem to like you either. 

Was it not painfully obvious San didn't have feelings for you? Why was she mad at you then? You literally brought them together! 

And all you got in return was her telling him she didn't feel comfortable with him having a girl best friend. That ungrateful bitch. 

He stopped calling. He stopped texting, he stopped carpooling with you and your mom after school and he stopped caring whether your math assignment was done or not. 

He stared pulling away more and more and it didn't matter how hard you tried to get him to talk to you, it seemed like he never really fucking cared about you in the first place. 

And by may that year, you didn't speak to San anymore. Granted, the only person he did speak to was Wooyoung, but even their friendship was falling apart. 

For the first time ever, San broke your heart firsthand. And it felt really, really fucking bad. 

You cried to your mom about it, she reminded you that you were nothing but a great friend to him and that, if he didn't take the time to appreciate that, that was his loss not yours. 

And she started hating him from that moment on. But you couldn't hate San, not even a little bit. 

Why would you hate him for not liking you back? For not loving you the way you loved hi— 

Your laptop closes down right in front of you and when you try to look up to find out who's responsible for interrupting your writing time, you get interrupted again. 

“Ouch! What the fuck, Gyuri?” the slap to the back of your head is quick and fill with rage. 

“What the fuck are you even writing. I can read from here, you know?” 

“I'm just laying my feelings down and— Ouch! Stop that!” You try to hit her back but she turns away quickly when your hands almost knock her coffee mug out of hers. 

“You can't possibly still have love for San, Y/N. It's been years.”

It's been four and a half, to be precise. But who's counting, right? 

“And why are you writing it in third person? You don't usually do that.” 

“I don't really know, Gyuri!” 

“I’m telling you, this celebratory dinner bullshit it's affecting you way more than it should,” she sighs, plopping down on the couch of your shared living room, and you leave your seat at the table to join her “He might not even show up. He has that thing with Kyungmi.” 

Kyungmi. 

You couldn't get to that part on your open document, but San left Minseo when he met Kyungmi at one of the frat parties they love to attend. Wooyoung told you that he said that it was love at first sight and you even met her briefly when you picked Gyuri up from the apartment he and San got when they started college together. 

She’s gorgeous and doesn't look like Arin or Minseo at all. It’s a different type of gorgeous. She's a year older than San and went to the same school as them and Gyuri. 

You think you might even like her better than him. 

You tried to be happy for San when you found out, but you two barely even speak a word to each other and you convinced yourself a while ago that you couldn't care less if he sees right through you and your fake smiles. 

You gathered, after everything happened, that San knew you liked him and took advantage of that. Unintentionally, but he did anyway. 

You sigh, resting your head on your best friend's shoulder. “It’s his best friend's celebratory dinner, though, he needs to be there.” 

Two seconds pass and then you both say it at the same time: “He’s in love.” 

And when San is in love, he has a one track mind with the name of his lover as the goal. 

You nod, but you can't help but to be insistent “It's Wooyoung's celebratory dinner, he needs to show up, right?” 

“I might not even show up, he's a pain in the ass.” She replies but you can tell her annoyance is not genuine and it makes you smile. 

Gyuri and Wooyoung broke up towards the end of your first year of college but you all stayed close friends. A one year relationship was not enough to fuck up the friendship they had and they decided to stay civil until, eventually, they became close friends again. 

To this day, you wonder why you and San couldn't rekindle your friendship when it became clear to you that you missed your friend and not the guy that you liked. 

Because San was always your friend first and your first love second. 

But it doesn't really matter anymore, because Gyuri is forcing you to shower and reminding you that you two need to keep Wooyoung on his best behavior tonight. 

“That girl he used to like before me is going, he said. I looked her up, she's single and he needs to get together with her because I can't take him whining about it anymore.” 

They keep things with each other way too civil, you think. 

“I'm telling you, if we don't show up he's going to do that thing where he gets drunk and makes a fool of himself. I can't have that, I'm on a mission.” 

“A mission to get your ex laid?” You ask, shampooing your hair. 

“A mission to get him a girlfriend so he can stop crying to me about feeling lonely.” 

“Maybe he wants you guys to—” The shower curtain opens and you see your best friend’s scowl before covering yourself up with your hands. 

“Gyuri!”

“Don't you dare say what you were about to say or I'm divorcing you.” 

You chuckle “Sure you are.”

You're left alone again with the water stream and she goes back to do her makeup “I told you back in ninth grade that we weren't a great fit and I was right. We can't get back together,” she sighs “It'll ruin everything.” 

“I doubt it will but you guys have been friends longer than you were boyfriend and girlfriend, so I'll just have to deal with my parents being divorced and civil.” 

“God, don't ever refer to us like that again— Oh! Speaking of parents,” you see her beam at her phone when you move the shower curtain to search for your towel and then she shows it to you “Mingi and Love just celebrated their one year anniversary!” 

Love being Mingi’s best friend. Gyuri talks to you about her college friend group all the time. The drama fuels your dinner conversations, you even follow a few of them on social media. 

“What does that have to do with parents?”

“They're the mom and dad of the group.” 

San is in that friend group, you can see him in the back of the picture and you recognize his apartment layout too. He's not the main focus of it but he's all you can see until you notice the couple sitting near him on the couch. 

The picture shows both of them, her in his lap and Mingi looking at her with stars in his eyes. 

Good for them. 

“Is that the girl he was friends with forever before they finally realized that they were in love?” 

“Yeah,” she sighs in contempt, looking down at the picture again “I was there the day it happened. I mean, not physically with them, but they left Yunho's party together and I told Wooyoung that it was finally about to happen!”

Gyuri is not a romantic person at all. Her excitement shows you that she really loves them and so you soften at the news that would usually give you and your dry love life a headache “It was the day before you called me to get you out of that awful date.” 

Ah, that also happened back then. You shudder at the memory.

“Tell them I say congrats, babe.” 

“I'm bringing you as my plus one.” 

You laugh, confused “To where?” 

“Their wedding, duh.” 

“They practically just got together,” you remind her, a year is not enough time to propose “And I don't really know them, Gyuri!” 

“They love you,” she assures you as you step out of the shower “I have been speaking about your antisocial ass for years. They can't wait to meet you.” 

“So you've been shit talking behind my back for years? Is that what I'm hearing?” 

She laughs “No, babe, that's Wooyoung's job.” 

Clearing your throat and looking at your friend through the mirror, you try to be as nonchalant as you can when you ask: “Has he… Did he tell you if…” 

“No, Y/N, I have no clue if San is going or not and Wooyoung is actually mad at him at the moment.” 

“Why?” 

She looks at you, sighing “He's been lacking as a friend lately.” 

“Hm.” 

“I hope you're not planning on swooning if you see him. Fuck him, Y/N.” 

“I know…” 

“And by fuck him I mean he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness.” 

“He didn't do anything to me, Gyuri,” you remind her, shrugging “Not reciprocating my feelings is not a crime so I don't have to forgive him for anything.” 

You can practically feel her starting the San hate train engine, so you step out of the bathroom but her voice follows you. 

“And what about that time he ditched you for Minseo when you asked him to go with you to that medical appointment, huh?” 

“Cut it out, Gyuri…” 

But her head peaks around the corner, into the hall where you're rushing towards your room “Or that time when—” 

“Can't hear you!” Turning to look at her, she gives you an affectionate middle finger and heads back to the bathroom.

Closing the door, you lean into the thin wood and sigh, getting San’s face out of your mind so you can focus on getting ready and actually show up for Wooyoung and Wooyoung only. 

He just got a permanent position after completing his internship at a company that's your company's rival. He's going to crush you and steal clients from you but you are genuinely so happy for him. 

You should've guessed he enjoyed books as much as you did back in highschool. The debates he used to have with Gyuri were not all about flirting with her but also because he has a passion for books. 

And now he's going to work in the same field as you.

You're so proud of your friend. 

As you get ready, you remember the excitement cruising through your body when your boss trusted you enough to give you the first manuscript of a new client so you could edit it. You're sure Wooyoung is going to do better than you, taking into account that he actually went to college for this. 

You didn't. 

You met your boss at the part-time job you got in senior year, when you were trying to distract yourself from all the pain and the horrors of becoming a grown up. She was chatty, got a little too drunk on soju and told you she was starting her own book publishing company. 

When she returned months later after remembering that you told her you loved books and would love to work for as a publisher one day, she offered you a job in her company right after graduating highschool. 

You took it because you didn't think an opportunity like this would show up ever again. 

She was truly a blessing, the kind of person you never really believed in until she taught you all you needed to know about publishing and editing and encouraged you to take online classes during the nights so you could get, at least, a certification on what you do. 

You're proud of yourself too. The opportunity found you in a specific moment of your life where both your heart and your self esteem were destroyed and now you're not the person you used to be. 

Maybe that's why the possibility of facing San makes you so nervous. Collective memories are dangerous because the details never match the ones on the other person's head. 

You know who you were back then but… Are you the same person in San’s head? 

You don't even want to find out. 

Scanning your outfit in the mirror for the last time, you take the shoes you're wearing tonight out of your closet and walk over to the living room. 

Only to find Gyuri laying on the carpet under the coffee table, half dressed and on her phone. 

“You're going to mess up your hair.” 

“I don't care, I'm not going.” 

Sighing, you seat down on the couch and staring at the wood of the table covering her face. 

“What happened now?” 

“The bitch canceled!” 

“Wooyoung?” 

Poking her head out, she frowns at you “No, his first love.” 

“You were his first love.” 

“You know what I'm talking about, Y/N!” 

Laughing at her, you offer her your hand “Get dressed. Who cares if she's not going? He's not going to sulk because he's going to have you and his best friends there.” 

She whines like a child when you pull her up from the floor “I had a plan!” 

“Then make a new one, babe. We're going to be late.” 

She starts to whine again but then stops mid-groan to give you a once over. You shift uncomfortably on your feet, suddenly self-conscious about your appearance for the first time in years. 

“You look really hot…” she tells you and you fake gag at her words “Really pretty. Like a fairy and a smoke show at the same time.” 

You can't possibly look like that when you have such a simple outfit on, floor length high waist black pants and a flowy sleeve top that ties in the middle. It's barely formal but now you're thinking too hard about it. 

Blushing, you wave your hand to dismiss her compliment “Oh, my god. Go and change!” 

She rushes to her room on the opposite end of the hall and you finally breathe, looking down at your choice of fit and wondering if it's too much. 

Gyuri would've told you if that's the case, but either way it haunts your mind in the car on the way there, leg bouncing up and down under your best friend's judging gaze that only softens when you pout at her. 

“They are going to love you, babe. I'm so serious, they've been waiting years to meet you.” 

You nod because, yes, you're concerned that her friend group is not all as welcoming as she paints them to be. 

And you wish your doubts would go away but you're really, really not good at making friends. You're cautious, extremely closed off to new people and not as good with conversation no matter how much confidence you gained over the past years. 

When you walk to the loudest table at the laid back restaurant their friend Seonghwa made the reservation at, you think you won't be able to fit in with everyone else. You feel like an intruder, like Gyuri is supposed to enjoy this part of her life without you here. 

That's why you rejected every invitation they ever made. 

You celebrate birthdays with her, with Woo as well, but it's all very intimate and separate from their social circle, the one that includes the man you haven't fully faced in years. 

But you can't exactly back out now, not when one of them turns to you and seems to light up when they see you. 

“Oh? Is this her?” you recognize Hongjoong from pictures, he's the only one facing you when you approach the table, lowkey hiding behind Gyuri like a child. 

“Who?” 

“Huh?”

San is nowhere to be seen. Thank god. 

Slowly, everyone turns around and you see their faces light up with both delight and surprise. Your heart is pounding, you feel it in your throat, in your eyes, in the heat that colors your cheeks. 

But Gyuri just steps aside and presents you with a smile “This is her!” 

“Oh, Y/N!” Wooyoung gets up, rushing towards you and crashing into your frame with a crushing hug “I'm so glad you're here,” he murmurs into your hair and then turns to his friends, quiet them down “Everyone, this is Y/N, one of my best friends in the entire world.” 

He's such a dramatic human being.

You love him so much. 

Raising your hand, you shyly wave at them “Hi.” 

The entire table erupts with joy. Some of them greet you, some of them are saying that they are happy to be finally meeting you and Wooyoung grabs your arm and plops you down into the seat next to Gyuri, at the edge of the table. 

Laughing, you apologize for not meeting them sooner and then you feel a pair of hands on your shoulders. 

Panic raising, you quickly turn around to see who it is before releasing a shuddering, but calmer, breath. 

“She's a very busy woman, guys. She works for the competition, my competition,” everyone gasps at that but Wooyoung is smiling at you “and she's very good at what she does. Which means she's busy, get off her case,” he puts a glass and a can of beer in front of you “Drink, babe.” 

“Thanks, babe.” You whisper back and he leans in to peck your head before going away. 

Gyuri groans “Stop stealing that from us! It's our thing, Y/N, don't indulge him.” 

“It's his celebratory dinner…” you argue with a laugh that Hongjoong and Mingi follow. 

“Yeah! Can you get off my case tonight, Gyuri?” 

She huffs, wrapping her arms around you “I hate you all.” 

“No you don't!” 

The table laughs and everyone returns to their individual conversations when Woo sits down on his spot. 

There's a few seats left, one besides Mingi and one right in front of you but you don't think too much about it because soon Gyuri gets up to ask Yeosang something and Seonghwa occupies her seat right beside you. 

You think he can sense that you're more shy than you let on, because he doesn't include you in whatever he and Yunho were talking about and waits until he stops talking to him to turn to you. 

“So, you work for a publishing company?” 

The question caughts you off guard and you swallow the beer quickly before nodding “Y-yeah, I… Yeah.” 

He chuckles “You're nervous.” 

“I'm just not as good at meeting people as Gyuri is. She usually does the job and I tag along.” 

“I feel like I know you already, though.” He says, leaning back on his chair. 

“Because she talks a lot about me?” he nods “Yeah, she tends to do that.” 

“Wooyoung also talks a lot about you, San too… Sometimes,” your cheeks heat up and he misinterprets what it means “All good things, I promise.” 

You doubt that. 

Your brain gives you a hundred and one possible things San could've said about you. 

For some reason, none of them are good. But you choose to believe the gorgeous, long haired guy in front of you. 

“Well that's good to hear,” you take another sip of your drink before smiling at him “I was sure Woo was trash talking about me.” 

He shakes his head with a smile “He wouldn't dare, he has Gyuri on his ass all the time and I'm sure she would kill him.” 

“I'm sure she would kill him even if he didn't do it.” 

His smile grows wider “That's true,” he says, looking over at them who are, very coincidentally, fighting about something. You let out a sigh and he laughs again before clearing his throat “So, the publishing company. What kind of books do you like to edit the most?” 

Your smile grows wider too. 

For the next hour, you talk to Seonghwa about your job and how you started in it. He asks you about your classes and the challenges that you face on a daily basis and Wooyoung overhears and ends up joining the conversation as well.

You don't even hear footsteps nearing until a voice cuts everyone off. 

“I'm sorry I'm late!” 

“Baby!” Mingi gets up from his seat, but no one else does so he's stuck between the table and his girlfriend. 

“Oh, that's Love, huh?” you ask Seonghwa, Wooyoung too entertained messing with the couple to hear you anyways. 

“Yeah… Is that how Gyuri refers to her?” He frowns.

“Mhm,” you answer, leaning into him like you're about to tell him an important secret “I'm not supposed to call her that, don't tell her.” 

Seonghwa leans in too, pretending to zip his mouth shut and you laugh. 

The girl wiggles her way into the seat reserved for her and everyone lets out a groan when they smooch each other. You can only giggle and the sound draws her attention to you “Y/N?” 

You quickly nod “Yeah, hi, nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you! Finally, I thought Wooyoung and Gyuri had an imaginary friend,” you laugh, shrugging at the joke “Love your outfit, by the way, are those— Oh, San, hi— Are those jellyfish?” 

You want to answer. You truly do, the yes right at the tip of your tongue, but words leave you when you turn your head around and find San already looking at you with wide eyes.

He looks great, he's a bit more muscular than what the pictures show and than the last time that you saw him, his arms hugging the fabric of the dress shirt he's wearing like it was tailored for him and everything. 

How dare he. 

You wonder if his heart is beating as loud as yours is right now. If he's surprised, disappointed or happy to see you at all. 

“Her favorite animal.” He answers for you “Hi, Y/N.” 

“Hi…” you whisper back and it feels like you're in a trance. He doesn't look away but the table quieting down once again snaps you out of it and you turn to the girl with a wide smile that you hope conceals whatever the fuck you're feeling at the moment “I love jellyfishes. Had a phase as a child when I would exclusively talk about them, too,” you chuckle, nervously, reaching for your earrings instinctively “Gyuri gave them to me as a present last Christmas.” 

You definitely overshared just now. From the corner of your eye you catch your best friend getting ready to step in if needed. 

Love looks at you, then at San (who's just standing next to you without uttering a word) and then back at you again, smiling like she just figured something out “Well, I love them.” 

“Thanks…” 

Coughing unnecessarily loud, Wooyoung gets up from his seat “You're late.” 

It takes a second but San tears his gaze away from you to look at his best friend and you take the opportunity to chug down the rest of your beer “Sorry, something came up.” 

Seonghwa turns at that and looks at him as well “You good?” 

“I am. Did you guys already eat? I'm starving.” 

“Nope. We're about to order. Let me get you a drink, come here.” And just like that, he disappears from your view and you almost sigh in relief. 

“Are you good?” Seonghwa asks you next and you reckon he's very observant. But then again, you're not the most gracious human being when you're in San’s presence, so, you figure everyone else noticed your change of mood as well. 

“Yeah, I just… I haven't seen him in a while and I didn't think he was coming. I was surprised, that's all.” 

“I can see that,” his eyes move around your face for some reason, frowning a little bit but then he seems to let it go, getting the menu closer to you “Okay, good, um… I actually made the reservation here because they have the best samgyeopsal in town.”  

“Do they?” 

“Mhm, so…” 

He helps you pick your food and when it's time to order, he moves back to his seat. Gyuri asks you with her eyes if you're okay, you nod and grab her hand under the table with a tiny smile and then everyone is moving around to make space for San and Woo once they return. 

He doesn't sit in front of you. 

Relief floods you and you can finally feel your muscles relax as he is so far away, at the other end of the table and in the same row of seats, so you don't really see him unless you really try. 

Which you don't, so your food goes down easy and the rest of the night as well.

Until everyone but you and Seonghwa move around their seats and he ends up right in your point of view as you do your best to ignore him and focus on his friend. 

Seonghwa asks you about your hobbies, you tell him that you love to write movie essays on websites no one even cares to read and he asks you to show it to him so he can look it up when he gets home.

“And you've always done this? Since highschool?” 

You nod and he beams “I read like the first three lines and it looks really good, Y/N. Is that why you love books so much? Because you're a writer?” 

“I wouldn't consider myself a writer but… Sure, I love to write.” 

“Did you know this?” he turns to San and your smile drops a little. 

“Know what?” 

“Your friend is an excellent writer.” 

“Oh, I know. She, uh… Used to write stories on her notebook instead of paying attention in math class,” he sips on his drink and at the detail you didn't know he knew, you turn to him fully “I used to read over her shoulder sometimes.” 

“She's really good.” Seonghwa is looking at your phone, still reading “Really smart, too.” 

San’s jaw tenses a little and you can't understand why “I know.” He says again. 

His friend is none the wiser, blocking your phone and returning it to you “I like it,” he says, smiling and you blush “The essay.” He clarifies after a second, prompting a laugh out of you that he joins. 

San doesn't laugh, but you don't pay attention to him because Seonghwa is asking you something else. 

When it's time to leave the restaurant, Wooyoung suggests going back to his apartment to milk the get-together as much as you all can.

You all throw your napkins at him in feign disgust at the choice of words but you all accept his proposal either way. 

So now you're sitting on the couch, legs crossed and head on Gyuri’s shoulder while you listen to all of them talk (more like argue) about something that happened at their university last week, their voices drowning the soft music playing out of the tiny speaker resting on the counter. 

San is on the floor, to your right. It's hard to keep your eyes off him when you feel him looking at you when you close your eyes and let the noise fade into the background. It's not like you're able to add something to the conversation anyway and Gyuri seems to be drinking her sorrows (not being able to hook Woo up with the girl she told you about) away. 

Your best friend is slurring her words already, drink in hand and index finger pointing at Jongho accusatively because, apparently, the fight they're talking about was his fault. 

“You don't—” she hiccups “You don't even know why it was your fault and it pisses me off even more, you know?” 

“Okay, let me take that.” Taking the drink from her hand and before she starts complaining you stand up to make your way into the kitchen. 

The sink is full and a mess, so you pour the liquid into it and leave the glass sitting right beside it. Distracted by the dilemma of helping Woo out with the dishes or not, you don't notice someone else also entering the space.

That's why you jump a little when you turn and catch Seonghwa leaning on the wall by the entrance. It startles you enough to laugh the nerves out afterwards and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. They're boring me to death with the fight story.” 

You nod, realizing that maybe that's because he doesn't attend the university anymore. He told you he graduated last year “They're too drunk to let it go.” 

“Too drunk to dance to this amazing song, too. Who's playlist is that?” he frowns and you rest your back into the sink, rolling your eyes because he's pretending he doesn't know “Oh! Right, it's mine.” 

“And they just don't know how to appreciate it, huh?” he shrugs and you click your tongue “They're such bad friends, Seonghwa, I truly don't know why you keep them around.” 

“You appreciate it,” it's your turn to frown and he leaves his spot at the wall to walk towards you “You were singing along to it,” he explains and you let out an ah, nodding as he extends his palm to you, clearly inviting you to dance. 

“Oh, I don't… I don't really know how to—” 

“I'll show you.” 

His kind eyes are asking you to trust him. You really, really shouldn't. 

No matter how hard you try to bury the hopeless romantic little girl who decided to have a crush on a guy back in ninth grade, she's still there, begging you to let loose and live a little. 

When you grab Seonghwa’s hand, you think the smile he gives you was worth listening to her. 

You can't even tell the song that's softly playing anymore, a mellow r&b melody reaches your ear but you are not listening. You're focused on him, on the way he spins you around even if it doesn't fit the bit, on the way he laughs softly against your ear when he pulls you close by your hand and then pulls away just as quickly. 

Laughing as well, the spell of this beautiful stranger (because you remind yourself you don't really know him that well) is hard to break. 

Until it does. 

Someone clearing their throat behind you stops you and Seonghwa's feet from moving any further. When the tall, older guy turns you around, you're face to face with San and his scowl. 

“Sorry to interrupt but I need to get started on the dishes. Everyone else is heading out too,” he looks behind you, at the man who's still standing close to you and grabbing your hand “In case you want to ask Mingi for a ride.” 

“They finally stopped fighting!” he fakes excitement, finally letting go of your hand and walking in front of you, blocking San with his body. You chuckle, barely clapping your hands to join the pretense as he's pulling up his phone “Can I ask for your number, Y/N?” 

Blinking a few times, you're not sure if your heart speeds up because he's asking or because you hear San sigh exasperated behind him “S-sure.” 

When you put your information on his phone, he bids you goodbye with a pat on your head and hugs San on his way out the kitchen. 

Now that you two are alone, you suddenly want to run and join Seonghwa. You were doing so, so well. 

Avoiding San like the plague it's much easier when you're safe hiding behind your two best friends. 

Ignoring his stare would be much easier if you weren't stuck into place. 

“I—” 

“You—” 

You both speak over each other and you force out an uncomfortable laugh that he doesn't return. Instead, he motions you to go first while he occupies the space in front of the sink, turning the faucet on. In doing so, he has to grab your waist and move you out of the way which makes you short circuit for a second “I was going to help you with that.” You finally stammer out. 

He lets out what you take as an annoyed chuckle. 

“You seemed busy, I don't know how you would've done it.” 

Ouch. 

Why do you allow his words to cut so deep when you stopped caring about what he does a long time ago? 

The band aid rips, the stitches come undone and all it took him were five seconds to melt your resolve away like it was never there in the first place. 

“I'll… I go get Gyuri so we can leave Woo and you to get to it, then.” 

“Bathroom.” You hear him mutter under his breath as you are taking the final step to leave. 

“Huh?” 

“She's in the bathroom, probably puking her breakfast out,” he looks up at you to give you a tiny smile “You left her alone with Jongho and Woo for five minutes so she got ahold of another drink.” 

“God damnit.” 

Rushing out, you run into everyone else at the door and Mingi has to let go of his very intoxicated girlfriend when she reaches you to give you a hug “Don't be a stranger, Y/N! It was lovely to be around you, hm?” 

The sudden physical contact almost makes you gasp but you cover it up with a shy giggle “O-oh. Yeah, um, lovely to meet you too. All of you.” 

“Sorry about that,” her boyfriend grabs her arms and breaks the hug “She's right, though. Don't be a stranger.” 

You nod once, smiling a little more sincerely now and everyone says bye to you, including Seonghwa, who grabs your hand one last time and gives it a squeeze before closing the front door of the apartment. 

You think you feel your heart skip a tiny bit under all the shit San’s words pulled up to the surface a minute ago. But there's no time to dwell in that: you hear Gyuri opening up the bathroom door before gagging and closing it again with a slam. 

Jesus Christ. 

You two are really getting old. You stopped drinking like an hour ago, when you were starting to feel tipsy after your second beer, and you know she didn't drink as much as she used to maybe four years ago, but the visage that welcomes you when you open the door and find her crouched down in front of the toilet certainly brings back memories of those times. 

“I left you alone for like… five minutes.” Sighing, you lean in to hold her flimsy ponytail and pat her back. 

“I'm good,” she gags again and then holds up her hand to stop you from saying anything else “I'm fine.” 

Smiling, you help her up and she grabs the counter as she's washing away the taste of whatever she ate earlier today and alcohol “Me when I lie…”

“Y/N!” she hits your arm but the movement somehow almost makes her trip. 

“You want to lay down?” 

“Is she okay?” Woo’s head peaks into the bathroom and when he sees his ex, he makes a face. 

“Does she look like she's okay?” you help her out of the bathroom and start heading for Wooyoung's room. 

“Wow, wow— Where do you think you're taking her?” 

“To your room, dumbass!”

“Why mine? San's is literally right there.” He whines, pointing at the door you pass by without a second thought. You don't want to know where his room is or what it looks like at all. 

“Yeah, well, did San get her this drunk?” 

“How was I supposed to know that she was at her almost black-out phase? She never drinks that much in front of me!” he complains again but you're already tugging Gyuri in, who mumbles something incoherent and then flips Wooyoung off “Na Gyuri if you puke on my bed I swear to God!” 

If you didn't know Wooyoung so much, the whining and the attitude would probably make you think he didn't care for her at all. But he's brushing her hair out of her forehead, securing the blanket around her and moving to take her socks off when you reach the door. 

“I'm guessing you're okay with her staying the night?” 

“Of course you guys can stay the night, Y/N.” He says and he stumbles a little to get to you, so you smile and shake your head, about to let him know that you're not staying anywhere near his roommate when he continues “You can come over whenever you like. You know that, right?” 

“I know, Woo.” 

“I barely even see you these days, I… Oh! I forgot!” he points to the end of the hall, towards the kitchen “You guys don't really like each other so maybe don't come over when he's here because I don't want to see you sad!” 

“Lower your voice,” you whisper to him, bringing a hand to his face and patting his cheek a few times to wake him up “Did the alcohol suddenly hit you or something?” you sigh for the umpteenth time “Anyways, you should lay down and I'll get going. I'll come pick her up tomorrow and—” 

“That's such a great idea! Oh, I'm a genius.” 

“You didn't come up with it, Wooyoung.”

“San!” he calls all of the sudden and you wish he was sober enough to read the panic on your features. He seems much, much sober when his best friend starts walking down the hall and stops right beside you “Take Y/N home, please, she's going to give you a bag that you must protect with your life.” 

Said best friend looks at you, his eyebrow arched in a silent question “Gyuri’s stuff.” 

“Ah.”

“Go, go. It's getting late, I'll just… I'll cuddle with my ex until you get home.” 

And she has the nerve to say he doesn't want her back. 

When the door to Wooyoung's room closes and you're left with San on the poorly lit hallway, you make a mental note to never step foot on this place or allow your friends to drink ever again. 

You don't even look at the guy before practically running down the hallway and reaching for your bag. You make sure your phone is secured in your pocket as you slip your shoes on and soon you're grabbing the front door knob and twisting it. 

Keys jingle next to you but, again, you don't spare San a glance. 

“So—” 

“I'll get out of your hair, you don't have to… walk me home or whatever he said.” 

“Y/N, it's late.” 

Turning to him, your smile is as fake as the ones you've been giving him the past couple of years “And I'm a grown up, San, I can walk myself home.” 

“What about Gyuri’s stuff?” 

“She can wear Wooyoung's clothes, it's not like they never shared before. Anyway… Thank you for having me, it was nice to see you. Goodnight.” Your response comes out fast and it sounds as planned out as it actually is, kinda robotic and devoid of actual emotion. 

San can't see through you the way you see through him. It's okay, he won't mind it. 

He probably won't mind that you close his own door on his face either. 

If that door is what you hear when you're making your way down the stairs in order to make a fast escape, you choose to ignore it. 

You have to stop mid-way to compose yourself. You don't know why you feel like crying or why your heart is beating so fast. 

You knew going in that there was a possibility of seeing him tonight. You know how San affects you, so effortless and seemingly like no time has passed at all in between senior year and present day. 

You know all of this already, it's an endless loop that will keep repeating until you either move away or decide to stop agreeing to Wooyoung's plans all together. 

So why is your chest heaving with emotion? Why is nostalgia playing mind tricks with you? Why do you want to turn back and hug him and beg him to turn back time so you can do it all differently now that you know how to look like and what to say to make him love you back? 

Ah, you're definitely not sleeping tonight. So you start distracting yourself while walking down the stairs again. You remind yourself to tell a much sober Wooyoung how proud you are of him. You think about Seonghwa, about his kind eyes and the way he grabbed your hand to dance with him just half an hour ago. You wonder how long it will take you to get home if you jog all the way there. You—

Why the fuck is San outside when you get there? 

In a comedic way, you can see your attempt to distract your mind off of him slipping through your fingers and evaporating in the warm summer night breeze. 

In a realistic way, you're fucking pissed at him for taking the opportunity of a good night sleep away from you. 

You pass him and start jogging like you planned a minute ago. Footsteps follow you until his arm brushes yours and you take a step to the side to stop it from happening again. 

“Go home, Choi San.” 

“Stop fighting it, Y/N. I'm walking you home.” 

“It's a twenty minute walk—” 

“Drop it.” 

You do. And for the first ten minutes, no one utters a word even if the tension feels electric and the street is so quiet so you can hear when his breath accelerates when he jogs to catch up to you whenever you try to leave him behind. 

Isn't that ironic. He was the one who left you behind all those years ago. 

“I didn't know that you danced.” 

He breaks the uncomfortable but safe silence to say that? 

“Well, you saw me dance so I clearly dance when I want to.” 

“You never danced with me.” 

“You never asked me to.” 

He laughs “I'm pretty sure I did on several occasions, Y/N.” 

“Well, you're wrong,” you're getting annoyed. How dare he think he remembers better than you? “It doesn't matter anyway, what's past is past and—” 

“You also gave Hwa your number,” he interrupts, his long legs taking two strides to get in front of you, still walking, facing your direction with his hands on his pockets. 

It's dangerous and stupid, even if the streets are practically empty and the sidewalk barely has any bumps. 

You hope he falls on his pretty face.

“I did.* 

“I don't have your number.” 

“Well, I changed it and you never asked for it, so…” 

“You could've called me or texted me to let me know you did it.” 

He's getting on your nerves.

“San,” you start, taking in a deep breath you hope calms you down “We don't even text anymore, why would you want my number?” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Seonghwa?” you ask, frowning and he nods “Like… As a person?” 

“As a potential love interest.” He clarifies matter-of-factly and you roll your eyes. 

“I met him today, San. Why do you want my number?” 

“Because we're friends?” he offers after a second, shifting so he's walking by your side again. 

“Are we?” you ask, laughing bitterly at that “Because we haven't spoken a word to each other in years.” 

“That's not true.” 

“It is, San.” 

“You… You don't speak to me anymore, so…” 

“Well your girlfriend at the time told me she didn't feel comfortable with me speaking to you anymore,” you sigh “so I didn't and you didn't try to talk to me either.” 

“Well, I want to talk to you now.” 

“And is your new girlfriend aware of that? Is she comfortable with that? Because I don't want anyone telling me what to do anymore and—” 

“Why wouldn't she be comfortable? We're friends, Y/N.” 

“Are we?” you insist, petty, bitter and overall very, very hurt. 

He looks offended at that “I assumed we were?” 

He's getting on your fucking nerves. 

“We stopped being friends the second Minseo asked me to stay away from you because she didn't like me, San.” 

“She’s not in my life anymore—” 

The words are coming out of your mouth without even thinking it through. His demeanor, the way he's somehow reproaching you for whatever he saw between you and his friend, the way he pretends nothing happened between you and him, thinking that you two are still friends. 

“We stopped being friends when you pulled away from me, saw me do the same and did nothing to stop it from happening, San.” 

He stops in his tracks at that. You don't, pushing forward and quickening your step even if your calves burn. 

“Either way,” you speak up “Make sure you tell your girlfriend about wanting my number and then you can ask Seonghwa for it if you want—” 

“She's not my girlfriend anymore!” 

Now that stops you, just a few buildings down from yours, you turn around just to find San closer that you thought he'll be.

“O-oh. I… I didn't know that. I'm sorry.” 

“You didn't do anything to be sorry for.” 

“Still, it must suck so I'm sorry you're going through that.” 

“We didn't want the same things and so we ended it. It is what it is.” 

You nod. 

He walks the few steps separating you and you have to raise your chin a little to look him in the eye for the first time since you left his apartment “I wanted to tell you.” 

“That you broke up with your girlfriend?” 

“Yeah, I don't know why. It happened when I broke up with Minseo too, I just… You're the first person that I thought of calling when it happened. I texted you, too, but the messages didn't go through.” 

You hum at that. 

Why would he even say that? 

You resume your step, not really knowing what to say until you reach the stairs that lead to your building’s entrance. 

“And you didn't ask Woo for my number?” 

He follows you up. 

“I don't think he would've given it to me if I asked.” 

That sounds like an excuse, so you don't let it slide as you enter the code to your building and let yourself inside, San holding the door so he can get in as well “Why would he do that?” 

“Because he…” San sighs, pressing the elevator button “Nevermind. He just wouldn't.”

Frowning, you turn to him “No, now you have to tell me.” 

“It doesn't matter, really—” 

“Tell me, San.” 

He stares for a second and then looks away, like a child, vulnerable and you can't help but soften at that “He didn't like the way I treated you.” 

Eating your words from before, you shake your head “You didn't treat me like anything.” 

The elevator dings and you get inside. 

San follows you. 

“Exactly,” he says, resting his shoulder on the metal “Like you said I just did nothing and—” 

“Well, sometimes that's just what happens,” you want to end this. You want to pack Gyuri’s bag, give it to him and never see him again. 

This conversation hurts, it reopens barely closed wounds and it creates new ones you don't really need when it comes to whatever happened between you two. 

There's only so much a person can handle and it really doesn't help that you're a fool for San. He takes advantage of it, of the fact you can't really push him away at this point and the fact that he wants to have this conversation now instead of four and half years ago? 

Mean. 

He's mean. He's evil. He's… He's staring at you with a spark in his eyes that you recognize too well. 

Hope. 

When you get to your floor, you try to wipe the image away while busying yourself with your keys. Your hands tremble a little but you're able to open the door of your apartment and get in without inviting him. 

He gets in anyway. You take off your shoes as he closes the front door. 

He stays silent as he follows you around the apartment and you don't worry about turning the lights on. You get into Gyuri’s room and start picking out a comfy hangover outfit for your friend. Some clean underwear, sweatpants, two shirts and socks. 

When you drop to the floor, in front of the closet, to look for a bag to stash all of it in, San silently clutches beside you. 

“It shouldn't have happened to us. Never us.” 

You can't take it anymore. 

“San, what is this? What are you doing? I mean, why are we—” 

“I know.” 

“It's been years…”  

“I miss you.” 

He's so mean. But the softness in his tone resembles the one he used all the way back in highschool, when he told you that not being friends with you didn't feel right and you want to cave in right there and then. 

Your heart screams at you to do it, your reason warns you that you both have been through this before and it never ends right. 

You simply can't stay friends with Choi San. 

Your love for him must run too deep, your resentment claws at it and tries to hurt it but it's an immovable force that won't budge even if you try to bury it under the years that have passed, the things he has done. 

Tears gather in your eyes and you try to blink them away as you stare at your best friend's clothes on your lap and try to come up with something to close this path up again, reconstruct the picket fence you built around it the second he broke your heart for the first time. 

“Yeah,” you whisper back, letting the walls fall a little “I miss you too but I don't think I miss whatever version of you you are right now, San.” 

“W-what?”

His shaky voice makes the walls crumble and crash. 

Turning to him, your hand shakes as you place it on top of his “And you don't miss the version of me I am right now. You miss what I was back then, the comfort and the shoulder to cry on I offered you when Arin and you broke up. You miss my availability and the way I didn't press my feelings on you because it didn't matter if I liked you or not, you were my friend first and the guy that I had a crush second but—” you choke up, tears falling down your cheeks even if you don't want them to “I can't do it anymore. I'm not that girl anymore and I won't be there for you now that you and Kyungmi broke up because I can't handle it. I can't, I'm sorry.” 

He doesn't deny any of it.

He stares at you, tears wetting his cheeks as well and it hurts even more this way. You wish you had the strength to hold it together, to treat him like you did on the street a few minutes ago, but you can't. 

There's no way you could ever hate him like you want to. 

“You know…” he starts in a whisper, letting out a humorless chuckle “That's what I used to tell myself too.” 

“Hm?” 

“That you were my friend first and the girl that I had a crush on second.” 

How dare he mutter the words you always wanted to hear, the ones you picture being said in a different setting, the ones that haunted your every waking thought that period of time you doubted your friends, your mom, yourself for even believing Choi San could ever have a crush on you. 

He doesn't get to say them. You want to tell him but the words die on your throat and form a lump that you can't swallow down. 

You don't get to say that. You don't get to say that. 

Your hand drops from his and you look away again only to grab the first bag you find on the closet floor and shove Gyuri’s stuff in it. 

If the lack of response it's what prompts the hurt in his voice the next time he speaks, you don't want to think about it. 

“I wish I didn't. Now it's too late to do something about it, huh?” 

This time the rage comes back with a mask on. Feing settlement for all the what if’s covers you like a blanket on a really hot summer night: unwanted, unnecessary. 

But you can't sleep without it, so you do nothing to push it away. 

“I guess it is.” 

You get up from the floor, leaving the room and wiping your face with bitterness coating your movements as you wait by the door for him to get out. 

When he does and he steps in front of you, you extend the bag and he takes it without missing a beat. 

Voice robotic and words premeditated, you open the front door for him “Thanks for walking me home and taking this back.” 

He leans a little into your space and you don't move away. But just as he did in highschool, he takes in your hitched breath and does nothing more.

“Thanks for letting me talk to you.” 

He didn't give you much of a choice there but it's okay. This is closure, this is the end of your story with Choi San and you convince yourself you're glad that it is. 

“Sure,” you whisper back and he steps outside, turning around to watch you slowly close the door “goodnight, San.” 

He doesn't say it back. 

When the darkness of your apartment engulfs you, that's when you let yourself breakdown. Covering your mouth with your palm, you descend until your knees are against the wood on the floor and closing your eyes you make it a point to let it all out. 

You'll let it all out, drink some water, text Wooyoung and Gyuri to let them know you're safe and go to bed. 

And tomorrow you'll begin your day with the freedom of finally knowing what would've happened if you or San ever took the next step. 

This is fine. This is moving on. This is— 

The doorbell rings. 

Opening the door again, you crease your eyebrows in a silent question that San doesn't care to answer, so you look around the floor in case he forgot something you're missing. You wipe your cheeks and under your eyes as you turn to him again “Did you—” 

Time slows down when he makes it past the threshold and you can't move an inch, gaping at who you once thought was the love of your life “What are you doing, San?” 

“Something about it.” 

“What?” 

“Forgive me,” he asks, breathless and in a murmur, fueling your confusion. And then he's closing the distance, dropping Gyuri’s bag and cupping your face so gently that it hurts “but I'm doing something about it.” 

You stopped dreaming about the possibility of San kissing you that one time you two were on your bed and, another time, you told yourself that, if it ever happened, you wouldn't kiss him back. 

It's too late to kiss him back. 

But sparks fly when he crushes you against the wall and takes in a breath before slothing his mouth against yours like he's been waiting to do this every single day for the past nine years you've known each other. 

There's nothing you can do to conceal the way yearning takes over you, pours out of you, making you breathe into his open mouth and kiss him back like you always wanted to. 

You already know it is a mistake by the time you grab his shirt to keep him in place but does it really matter when this is all you ever wanted? 

Feeling warmth leave your face, you notice the way he desperately crowds your space as his chest bumps into yours, leg claiming its place in between yours, the palm that leaves you pressing against the wall, next to your head. 

The kiss is filled with emotion, with longing and desire and it steals the air out of your lungs tragically and beautifully at the same time. Before, you used to dream about his lips making everything feel right, making you fit in in a world you didn't feel like you belonged to. 

But this kiss drops you into uncharted territory, drags you into the depths of something that should be buried by now, after all this time. It brings the flame back to life and it's dangerous. 

The fact that it feels this way, both marvelous and catastrophic at the same time, makes you so sad. 

Sorrow descends down your face until your mouth is picking it up and your tongue is mixing it with whatever emotion is cruising through San right now. 

You have to know. 

He spent your entire youth and early adulthood keeping it to himself, knowing when to show his true colors and when to hide them, choosing who to do it with and you realize the San that lives in your head is nothing but a figment of what you wanted him to be. 

Because him holding to your waist like it's his only lifeline doesn't fit the San you remember, him telling you he liked you back then doesn't fit the guy who was just your best friend. 

You need to know. 

“San,” brokenly, you speak into his mouth and he pulls away just enough to see your face. Your eyes remain closed, your chest heaving and your lips trembling “Why are you doing this?” 

“Because I want you, Y/N.” 

You push him away, weakly, almost like you don't really mean it because deep down you don't but he steps away like you're asking to. 

Because, of course, your mind scraps the bottom of your resentment to give his words a completely new meaning. 

“You can find another girl to fuck and be your rebound, San,” more tears spill down and you wipe them away in anger but more threat to fall down so you cover your face with your hands and groan, desperate “I can't do this, especially not when I know that you know how bad I wanted you. Y-you know what you do to me San so stop—”

“I want you in my life. I don't— What? I don't want you like a rebound, I… Can we sit down and turn on a light so I can look at you when I say this?” 

His words should be reassuring but they're not, the way you tend to feel unlovable around him coming up to the surface, preventing you from thinking clearly. 

You can also feel his lips on yours still. It's dizzying but you manage to push yourself off the wall and pad around until you hit the switch of the warm light lamp near the couch and the apartment comes to life just like that. 

He takes in the space he's never seen before, walking slowly towards the living room and looking over the bookshelf that screams your name all over it. He smiles a bit as he looks over the book titles and you look away before your heart starts acting up again. 

You can't stay mad at him for long if he's looking through something so personal to you and smiling that fondly at it. It feels even more intimate than the kiss you two just shared. 

Wiping your cheeks once more, you are sure you look a mess but he doesn't seem to mind it once he comes into your point of view, sitting down on the couch, in front of your standing form. He grabs you by your hands until you're sitting next to him, close to him, cologne intoxicating your senses. 

“I told you I liked you when we were in highschool, right?” 

You nod. 

“You seemed surprised but it was dark so I'm not really sure. I thought you knew, everyone knew.” 

Oh, he's a comedian. 

“How would I have known, San? I… Yeri told me you liked me one time, in senior year, but I denied it. Then, my mom told me you seemed to want me in a non-platonic way and I dismissed her as well,” you take in a deep, shaky breath “For me, the thought of you liking me just didn't make sense. You loved Arin and she's… She doesn't look or act like I did back then at all, so how would I have known?” 

You didn't need clues and puzzles and what if’s, you needed words and actions that weren't confusing. You needed him to tell you back then, because telling you right now and kissing you senseless after he broke up with a girl he supposedly was very in love with means nothing but pain. 

“I didn't realize you liked me too,” you make a face, about to tell him off, but he interrupts “I didn't! I thought you liked Yeri and I thought you saw me as the annoying guy who wouldn't leave you alone. I only just realized it a couple years ago, because Woo told me.” 

You raise your eyebrows and mutter under your breath “I'm murdering him tomorrow.” 

The corner of his lips twitch before he shakes his head in dismissal of what you said “I liked you. I really, really liked you and never told a soul because… Well, it's scary when you fall in love, right?” 

“San, you had no problem telling Arin, Minseo or Kyungmi that you liked them.” 

He looks down to the floor, lost in thought and you want to open your mouth to take what you just said into a new direction, but you don't “Maybe that's because I didn't love them the way I love you.” 

Oh. 

Love you? As in… He loves you right now too? 

No way. 

“You didn't love me, San. You don't love me right now either, you… Maybe we both were in love with the idea of love? Maybe that's what happened and—” 

“Quit telling me what I'm feeling, Y/N. You always do that, you always assume you know what I'm feeling but you don't!” 

Raising your voice a little more, you try to get your point across in the worst way possible: by being stubborn “You don't know me! How can you possibly—” 

“I knew you back then, Y/N! And I loved you back then, too!” He looks like wants to say something more but he doesn't, instead, he takes a calming breath and then leans into your space for the third time tonight “And I might not know you now but I want to. That's what I meant when I said that I want you. I want you in my life, I want to know the person you became when we stopped talking, I want to talk to you every single day and I want to hold you and kiss you and be by your side however you want me to, I just… I can't lose you again.” 

His confession renders you speechless and you notice his chest is heaving, going up and down in sync with yours. 

But the way he pulled away from you senior year still hurts, it paints a picture of what's going to happen if you accept this. 

You can't believe his words. 

He must feel lonely and confused, like he did when Arin broke up with him. He must be looking for a shelter you can't provide. 

“And when you find another girl that's more to your liking? What then, San?” 

“There's no one that I love more than you, Y/N and I'm sorry I was shit at proving it back then and I'm sorry that it took so many years for me to come to my senses.” 

He's tearing up and your heart pangs absurdly loud at that. 

“I saw you with Seonghwa earlier today, laughing and dancing and flirting and I thought: Oh, maybe if I didn't waste that much time pretending I'm someone I'm not, that would be me.” 

You stare for a second, you watch a single tear drop down his cheek and then look away. 

“Is that what you were doing? Is that why you pulled away?” 

“Maybe?” he offers and you turn to him again. Is not enough and maybe he can see it in your expression, because he goes on “I mean, I… I thought I wanted Arin. I thought I wanted Minseo. I had people in my life who were really happy to see me with them and I just…” 

“Wanted to keep them happy,” you nod, understanding. He doesn't have to say his mothers name for you to know he's referring to her and maybe his other highschool friends outside of Wooyoung “Were you pretending with me as well?” 

“No,” he answers right away “You and Woo were the only ones who saw me for who I really was back then.” 

“And why do you think you love me now, San?” you ask, deflating against the couch and ignoring the way your heart soars at his quick response.

“Because I never stopped,” he stammers out and then clears his throat “Because I looked for you in Minseo and Kyungmi and I wondered for years why they couldn't make me feel the same way. And I told myself I didn't need to feel the same way and that I deserved to wonder for the rest of my days but seeing you tonight? I can't.” 

Straightening your spine, the pained look you sent in his direction is not intentional but it prompts him to lean closer and closer until he's cupping your cheek again. 

“I can't keep wondering.” His voice is a sweet whisper, a siren song that draws you in until your forehead is resting against his. 

All these years, you were so self-focused on changing to a better version of who he used to know, learning from your mistakes and closing off to the opportunity of letting him prove himself a better man, you forgot that time passed for him too. He’s telling you he changed, too. 

Imagination is a safe space. Is where you hide, where desire can take its wings and fly high without hurting you too much. Make belief has rescued you before but this? The way his nose nuzzles softly into yours and your breaths tangle? This is very real. And reality is prone to hurt you. 

But the want you feel is undeniable. The way your entire being wants to cave in and give him an opportunity is suffocating, it makes you choke out a sob that he follows with one of his own. 

You kiss him, softly at the beginning, but his hands on you tighten and you let yourself get lost in the way they go down your neck and your arms, caressing you softly until they reach your waist and pull you into his lap. 

Pulling away, you grab his chin with two fingers and force his teary eyes to snap open, searching for an answer on yours.

“If you hurt me,” you start, breathless “If you're mocking me, if you're using me to get over Kyungmi, if you are pulling me back in to break my heart again, Choi San, I swear to God I will kill you.” 

“I won't do that to you ever again, Y/N,” he returns softly “I love you, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you but I love you.” 

Others would argue that it is pathetic how quickly you forgive him. But then again, you could never be mad at San. 

You were only mad at yourself for how everything turned out. 

“I love you too, Sannie.” 

Saying something never felt so freeing before. 

“Oh, Y/N…” you can see the way relief washes his worries away “Y/N…” he starts to say but then leans in to kiss you again and never finishes his words. 

You don't mind it. 

Pouring out all the pent up affection you pretended to bury for years, you explore his mouth and carve into your memory the way he feels. The way he sighs into it when your tongue brushes his, the way he pulls you in closer when your fingers reach the nape of his neck and pull on his hair there, hands splayed on your back so he can keep you in place as he leans down and places you against the worn out couch. 

He maps you out, hands going down your waist in a familiar feeling that brings back that memory of you two laying down on your bed. Only this time, he's actually touching you with a purpose. This time, you two have made up your minds and your limbs are tangled in a way you can feel all of him pressing up against you. 

It starts to get stuffy, the space on the couch not nearly enough to have him the way you want to. Soon, you're both standing up, mouths still moving against each other and hands roaming everywhere until you're undoing the buttons on his shirt. 

He pulls away to fully take it off, eyes never leaving yours, dropping the shirt to the ground, next to the couch and then he's on you again, making your back crash into the wall as he works the knots keeping your blouse together. 

He walks you through the hall, stopping only to take your top off and then he's walking you to a room that has a familiar scent that doesn't belong to you.

“Wrong room, wrong room,” you say into his lips and he laughs, looking to your surroundings “Mine’s over there.” you point to the other end of the hall, taking his hand and pulling him towards it. 

You don't make it far before he's yanking you towards him again. He looks down, taking your body in and you do the same, his firm and defined stomach a sight you never thought you would be able to see. 

“You're so beautiful,” he whispers, backing you against the wall again and kissing your cheek “So, so beautiful.” 

Turning your head to chase his mouth, he lets out a heavy sigh when his lips trail a path to your neck and murmurs against the skin there “I never told you how beautiful I found you before but you're so perfect, baby.” 

“I always thought I wasn't your type, San,” you let out a noise when he grabs your hips and pulls you forward, crashing his into yours “Fuck.” 

“And I always thought you were too much for me, too smart,” he kisses his way back up, focusing on your jaw and chin until he's kissing your cheek again “too pretty,” he moves to your ear, pecking right under it and you hold him closer “too good for me.” 

It doesn't really matter that this is all new to you, the way he's speaking, the tenor of his voice, the things he's saying… It sparks something familiar in you. You're pulling his hair back to make him look at you, a moan slipping out of his lips at that. 

You want to hear it again. 

He's smiling at your reaction, hand tightening on his locks.

However, that smile drops when he seems to recognize the gleam in your eyes. 

You gather up courage, feeling empowered by the way his hooded eyes darken but wait patiently for you to speak your mind. 

“Maybe I'm too good for you now, too,” you lean in, your lips softly tracing his “Maybe you should prove to me that you deserve me, San.” 

It's a dare. One that he seems to like a lot because his eyes sparkle with the same fire they used to back in the day. 

“Oh, I'll prove it to you, alright.” He whispers, panting when you let go of his hair and he leans into you to kiss your lips briefly before pulling away again.

His hand tilts your head back and you rest it against the cold wall, his fingers touch your bottom lip before going down and down and down until they rest against the seam of your pants, unbuttoning them in one swift movement. 

Going back up, his nails softly dig into your skin and you preen, taking the soft sting of his ministrations like you two have done this a million times before.  

His mouth is on yours again, his hands are pulling you off the wall and into your room until you two land on your mattress with a soft tud, a moan spilling out of your lips when he sloths his knee in between your legs and pulls them apart with expertise. 

You don't have the mind to break down what that means. 

Opening your eyes when he kisses down your neck again, you notice your room is barely lit by the street lights outside, curtains pulled open and windows closed but, this way, you can see the way San kisses between your breasts and your belly, catching his eyes when he looks up to measure your reaction. 

You sigh, already feeling some sort of build up going on down there and he hasn't even touched you properly yet. 

You don't even want to think about how wet you actually are. 

He leans back, open palms going down your legs slowly until they reach your feet. It tickles and you can't help but let out a giggle that he joins short after, his gaze never losing the edge because of it, though. 

“San…” 

He guides your hips up so he can take off your pants and you sigh when his hands return, raising your leg up “I missed your laugh,” he says low, attaching his lips to your calf “I miss being the one making you laugh too.” 

You feel like crying again but then he's letting your leg down and grabbing the other one to give it the same treatment, so your tears can wait. 

This time, he moves upwards till his mouth nears your clothed center and your breath hitches. 

Yeah, you can definitely cry later.

“You want me to prove to you how much I want you, Y/N?” he murmurs, his lips ghosting your mound now “How much I love you?” 

“San, p-please…” 

“Fuck, look at you.” He sounds like he's too lost in the heat of the moment and you're kind of grateful, because the moan you let out when his fingers hook on your underwear and pull them to the side to expose your pussy to his hungry eyes is loud. 

When he kisses you right where you need him, you let out another moan. And when he parts your folds to lick a stripe up to your clit, you curse him under you breath until he's laughing against you softly, the vibrations accumulating heat on your belly. 

He doesn't tease you much longer and you look down at him just to catch the moment his self control slips, eating you out like a man starved while his hand stays on your hip to hold you down and keep you underwear from interrupting his feast. 

“This is like,” he dives in again for a few seconds and you grab the sheets beneath you “All my fantasies coming to life but better.” 

He's so chatty during this and the only thing you can do is stammer a yeah? and pray for it to reach his ears.

“Mhm,” the circles your clit with the tip of his tongue and your legs shake “Taste even better than what I dreamed, too.” 

The heat of his mouth leaves you, lips spreading your wetness through your stomach until he fully reaches your face, your eyes closed and lips already waiting for him. 

Tongue caressing yours, your hands trail down his torso and focus on getting his pants off. You're shaking with excitement so it proves to be more difficult than you imagined at first but he helps you in unbuckling his belt. 

Once the piece of clothing is one the floor (or the bed, you're not really paying attention on where it lands), you don't waste time in feeling him up through his boxers. 

The hiss you get in return makes you smile. 

Bringing your lips to his neck, you suckle on this pulse point and gain another pleased noise before grazing your teeth against skin and moving to his collarbone next.

In a way, you get what he means. If he truly was pining over you the way you were pining over him, the thought of exploring his tan skin and making him moan feels like a dream. 

So you kiss him again in order to make it all last longer. 

The minutes pass between the both of you, softly making out and figuring out what gets both of you going, discarding your underwear in the process. 

You realize your moans make San’s cock twitch against your leg and he seems to notice the way your hips buck up everytime his hands handle you more roughly. 

After a few minutes of just this, you feel his hand making its way down again and the pads of his fingers circle your clit until you're grasping the sheets again. He gathers your arousal and then enters one finger slowly and when it slides in and out with ease, he enters the next one. 

There's really not much prepping he needs to do, already soft and compliant under him, you relax into his comfortable touch before you're aching for something else. And your mouth is preoccupied with his, so you do something else to catch his attention. 

Hands caressing his back, you let them drop to his ass with a soft smack that wins you a soft huff on amusement and then a whine when you move his hips towards yours. 

“Condom?” 

You shake your head “I'm clean and I have an implant.” 

“Oh?” he smirks, about to tease you but you squeeze his butt again and he moans “Fuck. I'm clean too.” 

“Good,” you whisper against his cheek, laughing as he arranges his position. 

And he might've been touching you all this time, kissing you until your mind emptied and your lips are all swollen up, but the look on his eyes when he slowly enters you is what might drive you over the edge. 

Grabbing your hands, he pins them on the side of your head as he moves, dropping his head down with a groan as you take him in, nose touching yours and moth whispering sweet things you can't quite pick up. 

He feels so good. 

This all feels way too good to be real. 

In the cloud you're at, you allow yourself to dream a little more before the reality of what your confessions mean dawns on you. 

For now, you allow San to make love to you. Sweetly, slowly and with a passion you never were lucky enough to encounter before. 

Maybe it's because your previous lovers didn't have your heart the way San does. 

He rams his hips into yours hard, closing his eyes and resting his warm cheek against yours, kissing your face inch by inch when you accompany his movements with your own. 

When his pace picks up, you hug him close and secure your legs around his hips as you moan. 

“Y-yes, fuck.” 

“Like that?” he repeats the movement from before, pulling out and then in with such force it rocks the entire bed. 

“Just like that, baby, fuck.” 

“God, you sound so good,” you smile a little, forehead resting on his shoulder before your head falls down against your pillow again “I love you,” he repeats against your lips, letting your hands go to cup your face with both of his again “I love you so much.” 

Teetering over the edge, you feel happy tears stinging in your eyes. Though closed, you can feel San’s stare on you, on your face, on the way you react to his sweet words and relentless pace. 

You say it back in a whisper and he repeats it again and again and again until you're both coming and tears are spilling down your cheeks. 

He kisses them away. 

You wipe his with trembling fingers as you come down, having trouble breathing from everything that just happened. 

You don't feel suffocated anymore, you feel like you've been freed. Like this was supposed to happen at some point and you two finally got around to it. 

“I love you,” he says once more before slipping out of you with a parting kiss. 

Holy shit. 

When San gets up from the bed and you point him to the bathroom, down the hallway, you're left with a sticky mess in between your legs and a lot to think about but you settle on four things. 

San just made love to you. There's no way that was just sex. 

There's also no way you're coming back from this. 

Gyuri is probably going to kill you. 

And that, obviously, your feelings for San never left. You feel the familiar warmth of them spreading through your post-orgasmic state. They're there, mocking you, asking you who the fuck you thought you were for pushing them away. 

He returns, toilet paper in his hands before leaning in and cleaning you up, lips immediately finding home on your skin as he does. 

You both giggle at that.

You probably need to shower but you've been crying and there's no way you're leaving this bed tonight. He throws the paper away on your bedroom’s trashcan and then crashes into the bed next to you, still naked, still looking at you with so much love you're wondering what stopped you from seeing it was there before. 

Taking his hand, you bring it to his lip and give his knuckles a peck “That was really good.” 

“It was.” 

“I can't believe we actually just did that…” 

He smiles and what he says next shocks you even more than his confession “I want to take you out.” 

“San… You just came inside me not even ten minutes ago.” 

“And?” you laugh and he shakes his head, leaning into your space again “I spent many years doing everything wrong, let me do it the right way.” 

“Making love to me one time and then taking me out on a date is not the right way, sir.” 

He nuzzles your cheek with his nose and you let out a pleased sigh “Who said it was just one time, huh?” Attacking your neck with his lips again, you push him away with a laugh. 

“Oh, come on!” 

He laughs as well “Give me ten minutes and I'll make it two!” 

San makes love to you two more times. And by four in the morning, you're snuggled into his arms and sleeping soundly. 

When you wake up and find the space next to you empty, you think it was all a dream. Your naked form begs to differ and you quickly put the t-shirt you usually wear to bed on and your panties underneath it to go out and face the feelings of your actions fighting with the blender in the kitchen. 

“How do you two live with this stupid thing?” 

“We don't,” you answer, startling him “We don't use it. What are you trying to make?” 

San’s shirtless, wearing his pants and his hair messy. Looking back at the living room clock, you see it's just five past ten. 

Smiling as he approaches you, you forget you must look a mess too when he pecks your lips and barely pulls away “Good morning, beautiful.” 

You pretend to cringe at that, pulling away “Oh, God. Morning, dumbass.” 

“You like it, you're blushing,” he points out and the pink on your cheek deepens as he's going back to the blender “Does anything work here?” 

“The microwave,” you shrug “And the stove. Were you trying to make yourself a…” you look over the ingredients he has pulled out of your fridge “Green juice?” 

“I was trying to make both of us a green juice,” he corrects and your heart skips at the immediate domestic attitude he has with you “But now I can tell neither of you drink anything like it, hm? I'm buying you a blender.” 

“Please don't.” 

“Why?” 

“Why do you think that one is broken?” 

He hums, huffing out a laugh seconds later and you walk over to him, unsure on how to approach him even though what you did yesterday night and earlier this morning didn't allow your shyness to step in. 

Now you're feeling it. 

He can tell, because he stops fighting with the steel appliances to grab your waist and pull you close “I wanted to make you breakfast.” 

“We can make breakfast together and I can order your green juice,” you compromise and he nods, but he doesn't let you go “And later we can go out on that date you promised me yesterday and we can go over what we're going to tell the two idiots.” 

His smile drops. 

“Oh, fuck.” 

Grimacing, you nod “It was the second thing I thought about after waking up.” 

“What was the first?” 

“Oh, I was trying to remember if you ever asked me to dance before,” he nods with a smile “Guess what? You didn't.” 

He fake gasps at that “I did!” 

“No, you didn't!” 

“Babe, yes I did,” he insists and you laugh, which prompts him to wrap his hands around you tighter when you try to get away from him “It was when—” 

“Oh. My. God. I'm going to be sick again.” 

Now when the fuck did Gyuri come back. 

And why is Wooyoung with her too, jaw slack as he watches both of you pull away from each other and create a safe distance that doesn't help whatever your best friends just saw. 

“It worked?” he asks and you can barely hear him until he hollers like a crazy person “Oh, it worked! I am a genius!” 

“Wooyoung, hold me! I'm going to kill them!” Gyuri looks like she's about to launch towards you at any second now, so you close your eyes and accept your fate. But nothing happens “Wait— What worked?” 

When you open them again, San is hiding behind you and Gyuri’s back is to both of you as she looks at Wooyoung with, what you assume, murderous intentions. 

“Gyuri, let's talk about this,” the black haired guy puts his hands up “You were too drunk to discuss it so I made the choice of— Gyuri, no!” 

You burst into laughter when she starts chasing him around the apartment and San giggles as well, only more nervous than delighted by their little cat and mouse game. 

He's probably sensing he's next on her hit list. 

As if you would let anything happen to him in the first place. 

“Stop, stop! I'm sorry, please leave me alone!” you hear Wooyoung’s voice echoing through your hall and in a second he's entering the kitchen, rounding you and San “I'm so happy for you guys, really, this was meant to happ— Stop!” He cries when Gyur catches onto him and yanks his hair to stop him from running.  

“Y/N,” she starts, chest heaving and you take a step back, crashing into San’s chest. He holds onto you only to push you a little and protect himself from the fury of your best friend “When I told you fuck him I didn't meant this!” 

“I know.” 

Wooyoung whines but he can't get away from her grasp so he just accepts it and pouts like a child. 

“A-and you!” She points towards the guy resting his chin on your shoulder “How dare you! If this is something casual for you then—” 

“I love her.” He defends himself quickly and your heart all but stops at that. 

“You do?” Wooyoung coos, amazed at his best friend’s confession. 

Gyuri's anger falters at that. 

“You… You do?” 

“And I love him,” you let out in a shy whisper, smiling a bit “But you already knew that.” 

“Of course I already knew that, bitch, I am your other half,” she makes a point to stare at San as she says it, letting Wooyoung go and he massages the part of his scalp that was targeted by his ex “Don't forget that.” 

“Y-yes ma'am.” 

You laugh again and Woo joins the embrace, eyeing you both expectantly and rolling his eyes when neither of you say anything to him “Well, you are so welcome guys. What are we having for breakfast?” 

You and San don't get to go out on that date. 

But when you do, he asks you to be his girlfriend the next day. 

And when you say yes he almost breaks down in excited tears.

Eventually, even Gyuri comes around and threatens him into treating you right, which means he earned her seal of approval. 

You delete the document on your laptop when you find it a month into being his girlfriend and, instead, start drafting your new beginning on it, in first person this time because the story doesn't feel like it belongs to someone else now.

The first line read as it follows: 

How did I ever think San and I could be just friends? 

If you read all the way down here: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

© jensthwa, 2024.

[aresianrepose]

Before the semester kicks off and murders me, @disniq​ asked for my essay on Jason Todd and hysteria. So, without further ado, here is an actual essay (fucking dissertation) because I refuse brevity. It is extremely long. I’ve split it into sections so you can find the section header and read what you want. This does not encompass all the narrative trauma themes and lived experiences that this boy holds, just specifically hysteria. 

Jason Todd, The Hysteric & Bruce Wayne, The Batman

I think it’s a common reading that Jason Todd is girl-coded and the patron saint of victims, at least within the circle that I’ve fallen into within this fandom. There are plenty of meta discussions on why those readings stand, so I’m not going to reiterate them. A pillar of him being girl-coded and someone trauma survivors have latched onto as one of our own has to do with being written in the context of hysterical femininity. And let me just say, I don’t think that writing was done in a way that he was intentionally coded as hysterical, but it is a function of our patriarchal society that this coding was used on him albeit without the explicit purpose of writing a hysteric story. 

For the purpose of this post: the word woman includes ciswomen, transwomen, and any person who is socially positioned as a woman regardless of gender identity. I include the positionality here because anyone can experience misogyny and sexism depending on the perception of the perpetrators either interpersonally or systemically. 

The History and Context of Hysteria

To understand the context, we have to look at the history and oppression of hysteria. Hysteria (in the modern context of psychology) emerged in the nineteenth century and is difficult to define by design and often applied to traumatized, unruly, and broken women. The main patriarchs who contributed to hysterical study were Jean-Martin Charcot and Sigmund Freud. I only mention this because it’s important to know their names moving forward for any of this to make sense. The beginning of this started with Charcot literally putting women whose lives had been marked by rape, abuse, exploitation, and poverty on display in his Tuesday lectures (which were open to the public) to show his findings on hysteria. This was actually seen as restoring dignity (fucking yikes) to the women because before Charcot these hysterical women were cast aside and not treated at all. In Charcot’s work, the women’s speech was seen as simply “vocalization” and their inner lives, their stories, their words, were silenced. After hearing a woman cry for her mother during one of the public sessions Charcot remarked, “Again, note these screams. You could say it’s a lot of noise over nothing” (Herman). 

This led to Freud, Charcot’s student, wanting to surpass his teacher by discovering the cause of hysteria. This was disastrous. Freud started with listening to the hysterics. In doing so, he learned and believed them about the abuse, rape, and exploitation of their pasts. He then published his work and gave a lecture on it. The work rivals even contemporary psychological work on trauma in it’s level of compassion, understanding, and treatment of survivors. However, he was then labeled a feminist (this was all happening during the first wave of feminism) and professionally ostracized. How in the world could these aristocratic French men be sexually abusing their wives, sisters, and daughters??? Insanity, truly. And... This always fucking gets me. He recanted his work and then told his patients they all imagined it because they wanted to be sexually abused by their husbands, brothers, and fathers. This set back the study of trauma by literally a century. One colleague called his work “a scientific fairy-tale” simply because he had the audacity to believe victims. Also, I want to point out that the famous hysteria case during this time was the case of Anna O and she was ultimately villainized by the entire psychological community for going into crisis after her care provider abruptly ended their therapeutic relationship after two years of DAILY sessions. 

Anyway. We can see how the power of these men over vulnerable women silenced, pathologized, villainized, infantilized, and used male ‘logic’ to completely destroy their credibility and lives under the guise of care and hysteria. Even when credible men lend their expertise and voices to the victims, their voices are silenced. This particular iteration of hysteria lasted over a century, and we are still dealing with the consequences of these actions and ideas within our social construction, medical and mental health care, interpersonal relationships, and more. Patriarchal pillars such as hysteria don’t die. We saw it move from hysteria to schizophrenia (which used to have the same symptoms of hysteria before the diagnosis changed in more contemporary psychology) after this which led to widespread lobotomies and electroshock therapy (my least favorite case of a lobotomy being done is on a woman who was diagnosed with LITERALLY ‘narcissist husband’) to depression in the 40s-50s with the over prescription of benzodiazepines to house wives to keep them in a zombie state (these prescriptions were sometimes double and triple what we take today with the intent of medical catatonia). In my opinion, as well as other counselors within the feminist therapy theoretical orientation, we are currently seeing it with the emergence of borderline-personality disorder. Think about how BPD is treated and demonized for a second. I professionally know therapists who refuse to work with BPD clients due to this villainization and just fucking gross perception of victims.

These are just the highlights, but it shows the history of hysteria. There have been centuries of women being marked as hysterical and the cures have ranged from lobotomy to bed rest (which sounds not so bad but read the Yellow Wallpaper and get back to me on that one). While the Yellow Wallpaper is fictional, the life behind it was not. After the traumatic birth of her child the author, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, was remanded to bed rest by the authority of her husband and doctor. Within the sphere of medical control, hysterical women are often treated as children while their doctors make decisions for their mental well-being without consulting them, or they hide the truth of their procedures for “the woman’s own good” and because “she’s hysterical and wouldn’t comprehend the logical need for this.” She then had a mental break due to the treatment. Again, we see hysterical women being silenced, infantilized, discredited from their own experiences, and under the narrative control of male logic and voices. 

Hysterical women have often historically been seen as beneath men, except for when they’re dangerous. Listening to victims is inherently threatening to the status quo because all trauma comes from a systemic framework. The framework that upholds patriarchal power. It’s easy to see why that would be seen as dangerous to powerful men. We saw this with the European witch genocide in which oppressed women were targeted and wiped out under the excuse of what was considered women’s work. (Before this time, witchcraft wasn’t tied to any religion and was mostly just seen as women’s work. It was targeted specifically to have an excuse to persecute widows, homeless, disabled, and vulnerable women who no longer had men to reign over them during a time of political unrest and scarce resources). This time period saw hysterical and traumatized women demonized as dangerous, evil, immoral, hypersexual, and supernaturally wily. A threat to the moral fabric of society. 

(Interesting history side note: this caused the view of women’s base traits we have today. It stemmed from the Victorian era that came after this time period in which women learned if they behaved a certain way, they would be spared the stake. For example, before the witch trials, women were actually seen as the ones with unsatiable sexual appetites, something we culturally prescribe to men now.) 

Notice how none of this has to do with the actual abuse that happens to the women, but instead the labeling and treatment of women when they are already showing the symptoms of abuse, trauma, control, exploitation, and rape. 

Jason Todd, The Hysteric

So, how does this relate to Jason Todd? To say that Jason has experienced trauma would be an understatement. Extreme poverty, loss of parent to death and addiction, loss of parent to the justice system, parental abuse, manipulation, witnessing violent crimes, witnessing the aftermath of sexual abuse and assault, arguably (not explicit in the text) his own sexual trauma, witnessing the dead bodies of victims, a violent death, and subsequently a violent resurrection. There’s also an argument to be made for being a child soldier and how that is romanticized up until he dies, but the text does not treat this as traumatizing.

Now, I’m not going to dive into the trauma he experienced. The purpose of this is only to look at how he’s framed as hysterical in the narrative, and as I stated, hysteria was a word slapped on women after they tried to talk about their trauma or exhibited symptoms (or were just unruly women). Jason does embody many facets of the victim experience and this is just one of them. 

Feelings vs “logic” - Firstly, it is really hard to talk calmly about things that you carry, your experiences, your trauma, and things that specifically harm you. It is easy to talk calmly about things that don’t. This is why there is an abuse tactic of gaslighting or silencing victims by framing their very real reactions to harm or their triggers as abuse, this is known as “reactive abuse.” This tactic is also employed in oppressive settings where the privileged group will often default to ‘winning’ a debate by being able to remain calm while the marginalized group whose life, personhood, etc is being harmed by the things being discussed and are unable to have a sterilized, emotionless debate. 

Both of these settings fit Jason nicely within the moral context of vigilante comics. He fought back, he didn’t lay down, and he will do what he deems as necessary to protect himself and others from his fate. This, however, is framed by Bruce and others as being just as bad as his murderer or even just as bad as Joe fucking Chill. To put this in perspective of a real world equivalent. Combine every billionaire on this planet into one person and instead of their shitty business practices murdering people, they did it with their own two hands. And due to their resources and political power, they would never, ever stop killing or be reasonably contained. More people would die with absolute 100% certainty. Would killing that one person make you equally bad as that person or violating the sanctity of life? That’s the moral question that Bruce puts onto Jason. While the moral question inherent to Jason is actually, is there a line worth crossing to provide reasonable safety (for yourself or the nameless community)? There is actually a difference between those two questions and the reactive abuse framing is certainly a choice. Also, it is funny to me that a man with the amount of power Bruce has (and frequently misuses) can lecture a murder victim on the misuse of power and morality. Are we supposed to be agree with his stoic, philosophical lecturing to a marginalized, abused, murder victim? (yes, we are). Bruce leverages (personal) philosophy against victim’s voice for their own safety, and take a wild guess which one is framed as logical and reasonable.

Jason’s morals come secondary to Bruce’s philosophy in a universe where there is still harm being done (but it’s an acceptable harm). Why is killing the line? Bruce is regularly destroying families and lives by feeding them into the prison industrial complex while supporting it with his whole chest. Or he’s disabling and seriously maiming people with the level of violence he uses. 

Crying - Throughout the entire story of Under the Red Hood, we never once see Bruce emote while interacting with Jason outside of tight grimaces. With the exception of the shock he shows at the Joker’s life being threatened, which... Okay, suuure. We never see him cry during any of their interactions, but we do see Jason cry. Specifically, we see him crying when he’s at his most emotionally vulnerable and physically dangerous to the toxic male power fantasy. This kind of vulnerability is rarely shown by male characters, and when it is, it’s usually done with a mist of a tear in their eyes or their face is hidden. There are a few narrative devices that allow men to cry, but they are the exception rather than the rule. Usually, it’s to play for laughs, infantilize, or emasculate. Here, we see Jason combine the violence of a bad victim, bucking the system of power, and fully crying. Just slide right into that hysterical coding like a glove. Jason often shows his feelings entirely. Time and time again, the readers have seen Jason have breakdowns, cry, and be overcome with grief. This is tied to his portrayal as hysterical and unstable in the narrative, but in actuality it shows his capacity for love and how vastly impactful his death was. 

This fits nicely with the next point that Jason fits into the hysterical box. Love is framed as one of his key faults. A son reaching for his father. 

Love - One of Jason’s defining features is the amount of love and compassion he holds. He’s willing to put up with any treatment, shoulder blame, and sacrifice himself for others to almost an unhealthy degree. However, this doesn’t extend to what he defines as his baseline safety. This one line of safety is the one thing that can’t be crossed, even with all of the love he feels for his father. He desperately wants to feel connection, have a family, and be loved in return with the same unwavering ferocity love that he gives. This is such a fucking key part of the victim experience, especially victims of childhood trauma. The desperation to just be chosen. He’s raw and honest with his reasonable expectation for love to provide safety for him and that is framed as hysterical, needy, unstable, naive, and fucking childish. Victims know what they need to have safety, and this framing as Bruce knowing what’s best for Jason and literally giving a cold shoulder to his needs is disgusting. 

Less than - Jason is portrayed as less powerful than Bruce even though they have similar expertise. There are so many instances of this that if you just open any media they both appear in, you can close your eyes, point, and land on an example. It makes me die laughing every time I remember that the Arkham games made Jason just one inch shorter than Bruce. Like, they can’t even be the same fucking height, that’s the level of insecure masculinity surrounding this relationship. Jason cannot and will never be able to be on par with Bruce because of his hysterical femininity and the power of Bruce being the self insert for the toxic male power fantasy. This power dynamic applies to the other batkids as well, but specifically in Jason’s case there is an element of hysteria. The reasons change because he’s so inconsistently written but usually he can’t surpass or even meet a stalemate with Bruce because he’s too emotional, he’s unstable, traumatized, and simply Bad. It’s even explicitly stated by Alfred in Under the Red Hood. 

Victim blaming - Jason deserved to die because he didn’t follow orders. Jason deserved to die for not following his training. Jason deserved to die because he was an angry Robin (oh no a child had an appropriate reaction to sexual violence). Jason deserved to die for being human.

Infantilization - Jason is repeatedly infantilized in contrast to Bruce. When given the ultimatum at the end of UtRH, Bruce speaks to Jason like a child, or a bad dog. Ordering him to do things like, “enough!” or “stop this now.” Bruce knows what’s best for Jason (and for everyone in the entire world), we should really just take his word for it and not the victim’s. Imagine staring at a 6 foot wall of a man and scolding him like a child. Beyond that, as mentioned above, his views of love and safety are framed as childish. Even though they are actually leaning more toward collectivism rather than the rampant individualism that Bruce so strongly defers to. (also, just a side note, collectivistic methods in healing from trauma is actually the only scientifically reliable way to heal. Every other method has absolutely abysmal results and higher rates of relapses.)

Silenced and Safety Villainized - Jason is silenced in his own story, acceptable and honored when he was dead and met with vitriol in life. All of the love given to him as Robin turns to ash as soon as he collides with Bruce’s power and morals. I think any survivor can relate to the experience of being told that what happened to them was a long time ago and it’s time to move on. Or even that they’re leveraging their own safety to get what they want in a manipulative way. Regardless of whether or not there was any accountability or justice for the harm done to them. Alfred asks Bruce if he should remove Jason’s memorial in the cave like two seconds after learning of his resurrection because Jason’s methods of securing safety for himself and using his own voice to define his story. Bruce was able to tell Jason’s story when he died. He was able to memorialize, grieve, and ultimately define Jason’s story because Jason wasn’t there to speak for himself. When Jason does speak for himself, he is villainized and literally stripped of his past significance as Robin (or a good victim) by Alfred within seconds. This is reflected in real life with adoptee advocates speaking about how adoption is unethical/harmful/traumatizing and subsequently being framed as ungrateful, selfish, etc. They were little perfect victims without voices before they grew up and could speak for themselves.

Erased - Gestures at the entirety of how Jason is either talked about or completely erased during the 90s Tim Robin run. He wasn’t convenient to talk about, as victims rarely are. This also ties into how Steph’s death was erased and Babs was written like she “won” at trauma by simply... beating it??? 

Dangerous - Jason is framed as threatening the basic fabric of society (in a story with vigilantes this is hard to do, so they have him oppose the no-kill rule, and then doubled down on Bruce’s characterization of no-killing). Anything that bucks the status-quo is usually marked as villainous in mainstream vigilante/superhero comics, but this is a step beyond that into the interpersonal and political sphere. Hysterical women are often framed as dangerous, villains, snakes, and treacherous (the other side of this coin is weak, pathetic, and pitiable) because they are victimized and then have the audacity to do something to the system about it. Whether that be the system of their immediate families or the political sphere. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Jason was paired with Talia in Lost Days to hammer this point home to the reader. It could’ve just as easily been anyone with access to the Pit that rescued him, but no, we had DC’s favorite brown, treacherous, venomous, female punching bag. 

Bruce Wayne, The Batman

Bruce fits well into the father, enforcer, and logical man slot in Jason’s hysterical story. There is a history of ownership throughout women’s history when it comes to their subjugation to men. Women actually couldn’t be put on trial before the witchcraft genocide because they weren’t seen as legally a person. Their male owner would be put on trial instead. Women would go from being owned by their fathers to their husbands after entering marriage, the most dangerous woman being one who isn’t owned (orphaned, widowed). Bruce does treat (and even thinks) about Jason like he’s something that he owns. He’s his protege, his son, and his responsibility. 

The narrative function of Bruce as a perpetrator in Jason’s story. 

“The perpetrator asks the bystander (reader) to do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander (reader) to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement and remembering” (Herman). 

Bruce does remember what happened to Jason. He keeps a permanent memorial to his dead son. However, this doesn’t translate into any kind of tangible action. He doesn’t do anything to actually stop the murderer who took his son’s life and he continues to throw child soldiers at the problem of crime (how many children have died for the sake of his no-kill rule at this point?). When met with the reality of his inaction, he fits into the perpetrator’s role like a glove:

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the first line of defense... If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens... From the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization... One can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it’s time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater his prerogative to name and define reality, the more completely his arguments prevail” (Herman). 

I think it is simply fact at this point that Bruce is the head patriarch in Gotham if not, arguably, in the entirety of DC. That level of power in the narrative cannot be ignored, especially when faced with the very real, screaming voice of a victim that Bruce uses all of that power to silence. Bruce, because of his status as patriarch, default protagonist, and self-insert for the toxic male power fantasy, has the ultimate power to name and define reality. Especially to the reader. Bruce doesn’t deny what happened to Jason, because that’s physically impossible to do. But what he does do is ensure that no one listens to Jason, discredits him, and rationalizes his own inaction, actions of violence towards Jason, and victim blames.

Here’s Bruce using the most base form of denial and victim blaming:

After this panel, Bruce also revokes Dick’s access to his childhood home simply for asking a question.

This theme extends to other members of the batfam because of Bruce’s narrative power over them. It’s why we can’t have Dick, Steph, Babs, or even Damian step in and relate to Jason’s trauma or vindicate him. Even when we, the readers, can see parallels and wonder why these conversations or bonds aren’t forming. Jason HAS to be a lone wolf because he is hysterical and a threat to the system of power. This also shows why most of his runs in group settings outside of the batfam fall apart or fall flat. If he was humanized by any other character or had his trauma validated in any actionable way, it would be recognizing the failure of the toxic male power fantasy. The readers are not supposed to see the flaw in this system that allows the bodies of children to pile up and sympathize with one of their voices. It would be a crack in the system of power that exists not only in the source material, but very much within our real world.

Side note: Jason is allowed to interact with others in a wholesome and validating way when he no longer threatens the systemic power of Bruce. When he is silenced by the writers and plays the “nice victim” (like Babs does), he is allowed connection. Only when his healing is done in a way that doesn’t demand action and is only his personal responsibility (gotta love the rampant individualism). If he is hysterical, demands action, and asks for someone to be held accountable for his death, he is shoved away into a lone wolf box. Examples: Gotham Knights (from my very basic understanding, I haven’t played the game, only seen play throughs) and WFA. Victims are acceptable if they do their healing in a neat little box and stay there, but hysterics are the ones who step outside of that box.

Red Hood, The Political Voice of Hysteria and Trauma

Red Hood is deeply political in terms of hysteria and trauma. Herman stated that victims and those that authentically care for them or listen to them intently (whether that be interpersonally, clinically, or professionally) are silenced, ostracized, and discredited. Survivors need a social context that supports the victim and that joins the victim and witness in a common alliance. On an interpersonal level this looks like family, friends, and loved ones. However, trauma is systemic and the social context mentioned above must also be given on a wider social scale. For this to be done, there had to be systemic change and political action. Jason had the interpersonal social support and witnesses to his trauma ripped from him by Bruce. So, we see him move onto a systemic level of addressing trauma in his own political way. He literally cannot escape Bruce and this constant trigger because of Bruce’s philosophy and just... fucking power to define reality... being re-enforced constantly in DC no matter where he tries to go. So, he tries to heal by taking the systemic issue of perpetrators who cannot be held accountable or have fallen through the cracks of accountability into his own hands in a very personal way. A one man political movement.

Whether his methods are moral or ethical doesn’t really matter in the overall framing him as hysteric. He simply has to be opposed by the male power fantasy in some significant way. This shows that the goals, needs, and work towards victim’s and the marginalized’s freedom is dangerous, doomed to fail, and ultimately unethical if the victim is framed in a villain light instead of the more pathetic/pitiable iteration of hysteria. 

You can see how this is not only problematic but also reflects the real world values instilled in arguments against human rights movements (which are intrinsically tied to victims rights). Defunding the police is dangerous, the MeToo movement is dangerous, abolition is dangerous, trans rights are dangerous, etc etc etc. Think of the victims voices tied to each of these movements and how they are integral to the real change offered by these political movements. You can’t have human rights violations without creating victims. And you can’t have political movements surrounding human rights without listening to victims.

We can also see how the individuals within these movements are ostracized, villianized, and often silenced (sometimes ultimately silenced with death) because they rally against the systems of power that victimized them. The framing of traumatized, vulnerable people as hysterical is integral to upholding the system of power that traumatizes and harms them.

A popular comic book movie adaptation that highlights the importance of Jason’s hysterical framing and how it impacts the political narrative/how he is written is V for Vendetta. To be fair, it received an insane amount of backlash by conservatives (not within leftist or liberal spaces) for V’s methods in over throwing fascism, but only because of the movie’s release date being so close to 9/11. V and Jason have many parallels, it’s only the lack of hysterical framing that makes V more palatable to the viewer. We are told, not shown through behavior, that V is traumatized by his past and he does not pick a fight with the protagonist that functions as a toxic male power fantasy. He is the protag, with his version of Bruce being men who are not framed in a sympathetic, heroic, or relatable light. 

Additionally, there is literally an unemoting mask standing between the viewer and V, whereas Jason takes off his helmet to allow the reader to see every aspect of his trauma and pain. V readily dehumanizes himself into an idea, rather than a person. Whereas Jason screams to be seen as a person in a very hysterical way. So, we can see how the framing of Jason as hysteric against the logical, heroic man greatly impacts how the audience reads him when contrasted by a very similar political story/character who uses similar (and arguably more violent) methods to meet his ends. (This just made me realize that I would die for a Jason adaptation written by the Wachowski sisters). 

Jason’s work as Red Hood is seeped in leftist, victim, and community centered politics. His portrayal as a hysterical antagonist (at best an anti-hero) is rooted in misogyny and upholding patriarchal, capitalist, and the prison industrial complex systems of power. He is the righteous embodiment of “the personal is political” for victims. Even his Robin run draws attention to and shows correct, angry reactions to the system of patriarchal power in sexual violence.

Patriarchal Writing and Enforcement

Jason is girl-coded and hysterical because he’s supposed to be emasculated, discredited, and disliked by the reader. He serves the narrative function of boosting the toxic male power fantasy of Bruce and in doing so, the writers use one of the oldest tropes in the book (one that we have all subconsciously been taught since birth) to get the reader on their side. Make him a hysterical woman. 

References: for anyone interested in furthering their understanding of any of the concepts mentioned above and to, you know, use sources for my own writing.

Barstow, A. Witchcraze

Bondi, L., Burman. E. Women and Mental Health: A Feminist Review

Freud, S. The Aietology of Hysteria

Gilman, C. P. The Yellow Wallpaper

Herman, J. Trauma and Recovery

Ussher, J. The Madness of Women.

Van der Kolk, B. The Body Keeps the Score

Wilkin, L., Hillock, S. Enhancing MSW Students’ Efficacy in Working with Trauma, Violence, and Oppression: An Integrated Feminist-Trauma Framework for Social Work Education

[havendoesthings]

He's no longer an Autobot [Short]

Context: Action takes place in my Transformers Animated AU, where Bumblebee lived on Cybertron long before Ratchet was even born. In this one-shot he's a part of the then Cybertronian Bot Academy where with his own eyes he can see that some of the bots start to pick sides [Said sides being Autobots and Decepticons] where one of this bots is someone close to him, his friend – Shockwave. WARNING! The writing below is unfinished and not actual! Something similar will happen' in the fic I have in plans to write for this AU, just not how it's written as below. Hope you'll still like what I wrote tho! If you have any questions about the AU feel more than welcome to ask about it! >ww<

,,There, in front of him, not so far away was Shockwave. 

But rather than the usual blue optics, his eyes were now red. And that meant one thing,

Shockwave joined the Decepticons.

He couldn't lie, his vents upon finally capturing the full picture of his — To this moment… To this moment? — best friend caught him off guard. 

Joining Decepticons ranks wasn't something that was unusual. At the same time though, it also wasn't anything usual. It was… Just there. Somewhere, looking at him and other bots from a far distance, reminding them from time to time of the political fractions their people started to form. 

As it turns out, they're not as far away from them as he thought. 

"You're," He started slowly, the feeling of his glossa being unmoisturized making him uncomfortable. Together with his throat, it was slowly becoming dry. "You've… You've joined Decepticons," He wanted to continue but didn't know what to say. 

And there was silence. Completely nothing could be heard, and nothing indeed intruded on it. 

It was just like no one besides them was on this one certain corridor. 

And to be honest, if someone would say that to Bumblebee earlier, — After all, their Cybertronians boot camp was not called one of the noisiest places without a reason — he wouldn't believe them. 

But now, right before his eyes, his small world collided with reality. It almost felt like his world and everything he knew about Shockwave suddenly made a lot more sense. Every time he couldn't agree with some of the methods their higher-ups used, some evident repulsion aimed at some of the Primes’ words. It all… It all suddenly started to fall into one, big piece. 

But there wasn't 'almost' there just for show. 

So Bumblebee held onto that 'almost' in hope. For what? Only time will tell. 

He gulped, trying to make his shoulder pads be seen as more relaxed, but did it work? After the unchanged expression Shockwave was sending his way, he guessed that it did little to humor and help his case. Still, it was worth a try. 

"I indeed did." 

"Ah," He could feel his spark beating its usual rhythm. 

He licked his dermas, feeling a little lost over what he was supposed to say next. They didn't exactly give out instructions about what you should do when your friend suddenly got involved in the world of some adult bots, did they now? — It was a joke, okay? He has to cope and face, in these few seconds, that he has to answer with something- — Either way, 

"Are you… Sure about that…?" 

"Definitely." Yikes, he didn't even hesitate. Was something that crossed his mind. But as quick as the thought was present, as soon it was gone. 

"Mhm." He made a face. He couldn't prevent himself from doing so and probably with that he made his friend's trust drift more and more away from him, but what exactly was he supposed to say? "It's cool, it's cool." Which honestly? Was a brilliant answer, shut up. 

It was the only thing his panicked brain could think of and Shockwave didn't bother to react in any way to it. Which was nice because it was still better than him simply walking away from him."

[muninnhuginn]

I do think it's pretty neat how sometimes anya's powers are displayed in a less typical way. as in, usually they're shown to the audience as voices and occasionally as images, right? and that's a pretty obvious way to conceptualise it (as well as explain why she struggles so much with twilight who's off operating on five different threads at any one moment).

but occasionally, you'll get instances where we know anya's using her powers due to visual/audio cues, but we don't hear the voices/see any images. the most obvious instances are around yuri, though I think it also happens with franky too at some point.

and her powers being presented sans voices/images serve a few purposes. with yuri most of the time, it means we as the audience end up inferring yuri's thoughts from knowledge of his dynamic with yor and anya's own reactions (aka, some variation of "blegh") rather than having them brought to the forefront *in relation to anya*. as in, we take in that anya's being subject to yuri's fairly obsessive thoughts, but we're not being forced to actively address that as we are in other cases (melinda being the obvious one). it's almost a self-censorship deal so that the audience can take it less seriously. endo knows that anya being in a scene with yuri means that she *will* be picking up his vibes, but it really doesn't need to be the focus, because yikes. so if you read most yuri-yor interactions where anya is present she's just off in the background hiccoughing or similar.

one of the other purposes is just that sometimes the audience has seen all the context and lead up behind why a character is acting as they are and so doesn't really need a worded explanation of a character's thought process at that time (if anything, it could jar the scene). so, say the latest anime episode (28 as of me writing this) we have yuri coming to the forgers' household after arresting a man who was kinda scummy but also doing things *for his family*. this is something that clearly does weigh on yuri to some extent given his whole motivation is yor, but having him put that in words would seem both clunky and to be frank, would remove ambiguity that adds to the scene. so, in this case, having seen the rest of the episode, the audience then seeing anya (who isn't a fan of yuri) patting yuri in sympathy signals that this whole deal has affected him more than he lets on to his colleagues at the SSS. a little extra nudge on top of the fact he shows up at the forgers' household in the first place.

(and the final instance that comes to mind when the way anya's powers are displayed is different than the usual 'thoughts' would be the end of the [redacted] arc. she sees visual static and it's clear that twilight himself doesn't fully recall what he was dreaming now he's awoken. but again, this presentation shows the audience that anya hasn't actually read the whole flashback from twilight. the [redacted] arc is grim and tbh way past the level that anya can even conceptualise at present. she still sees the spy and assassin deal largely as a game at this point and, for now, it needs to remain that way.)

not really going anywhere specific with this, but yeah, I just find it interesting from both an in-universe and out-of-universe perspective (mainly the latter, admittedly) how anya's powers are presented to the audience.

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 36

word count: 688

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

September 29, 1990

Dear Will,

This past month and a half has been nothing but absolute chaos. First off, I finally had my official gay bar initiation! I was invited back in August by my friend Alexis and some of our other friends from our Gender Studies elective course, which was good, because at least I’d be around people I knew. They ordered me this neon blue cocktail I can’t remember the name of, probably because I chugged it so fast (just kidding, I think it was called a Blue Lagoon), and I was instantly picked up by the Prettiest of Pretty Boys™. He introduced himself as Wes Butler, and we had sex in the storage closet of the bar. It was actually my first time “topping” (I put topping in quotations because you can’t really top if you’re both standing). But it was cramped, it was hot in a bad way, it was messy, and it ended quicker than it began. It was not a good time. Moral of the story: I don’t do closets. I spent my whole life in one, and lost you in the process.

If you thought that experience was weird, let me tell you about this nerd rave I went to last Friday. Some acquaintance from one of my lit courses told me about it after class, saying it was at a beat up old house on the edge of campus, at five o’clock. When I showed up, it was like I’d entered the drama club room at Hawkins High. Dim lighting, red ambiance, and about a dozen different fantasy and sci-fi related activities happening throughout the house. I was so overwhelmed, and I had no idea where the hell to begin. Despite my love for writing fantasy, I’ve tried not to interact with anything remotely nerdy at the risk of it reminding me of you and sending me into a downward mental spiral. I’m scared that one day, if the spiral is spiraly enough, I won’t be able to come back from it. But anyway, this guy came up to me and said “Is it me or do you not have a clue what’s going on, either?” I turned to face him, and my eyes nearly fell out of my fucking skull, because I was either hallucinating, or Eddie Munson had come back from the dead. We immediately sparked a conversation about how we were just normal dudes who like literature and D&D, and felt incredibly out of place amongst all the cosplayers, almost like it was a convention. I don’t know how exactly we got from Point A to Point Z, but within half an hour of meeting Walker Brooks, he was fucking me into his Lord of the Rings bedsheets. Out of nowhere, he started talking to me in Elvish– I actually looked up and translated the phrase he used most frequently, “N- a man boui an ada.” It means, “Be a good boy for Daddy.” Yeah… yikes. I won't be seeing him again.

It’s no wonder why I keep going back to Wyatt. When we hook up, it’s like he erases all the other bad experiences. He’s so gentle with me, which is honestly what I crave the most. I just want affection. I just want love, while most of the other guys I’ve been with only want to get their dicks wet. But Wyatt is different– he cares about me. He’s my friend, above all else. And because he’s my friend, he offers to listen whenever I need to talk, no matter what. I think he knows my entire life story up until this point. Which means he knows about you and everything that happened last year. Don’t worry, he doesn’t hate you. He just… isn’t your biggest fan. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you, though, because you’ll never have any reason to cross paths with each other. If, by some miracle, a reason does emerge, I won’t hesitate to introduce you two. 

But it’s just pathetic for me to hope at all at this point. So I won’t. Hope, I mean.

Love,

Mike

-

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homepage

[nostalgicpxxrl]

Sweet Thief

Notice: Light swearing, a smooch

Word Count: 576

A/N: So last night I decided to do a final edit for this writing, which led to this post. I did hella research for this one (read: looked on the hi-chew website to pick a flavor). 

"You guys, this honestly isn't funny. The traitor needs to reveal themselves or I'm not going." 

Several groans follow as you quietly close the door behind you. You guys agreed to meet at Oikawa's place before heading out to the movies, but lucky for you, your lateness didn't really matter in the end. Something serious was going down. 

With your shoes kicked off, you finally approach the room where the pretty boy's voice was coming from. Iwa and Makki were slumped in their barstools as if they were legitimately being scolded by their parents. You almost giggle at the scene, but hold it in since being on the receiving end of Oikawa's wrath wasn’t on your to-do list. 

While listening in for just a smidgen of context, you feel a gentle tap on your upper arm. Issei's smile is soft as he pulls you in for a 'hello' kiss. His lip balm is different from the usual mint flavor. Strawberry? How cute. Attempting to keep a low profile, you mumble the question of what was going on before Oikawa finally notices your arrival. 

"Y/n, tell these fools to fess up!" 

You jump a little at the sudden spotlight. "F-fess up? For what?" Yikes, you sounded pathetic. A light 'pfft' leaves Issei's lips and you playfully glare at him. 

"One of these thieves," he damn near spits, "stole my sweet treats and they need to be dealt with." 

The feeling of nervousness you felt just seconds ago has now left your body. You'd feel relieved, but god, that was so anticlimactic. You'd figured one of em made out with his mother the way his voice remains so firm. "Oh, wow…" 

"See? Y/n gets it!" 

His oblivion to your indifference makes you snort, "Dude! I'll just buy you some more of whatever it is. Problem solved!" Iwa sits up, eyes lightening. Maybe y'all will make it to the destination before sundown.

Oikawa starts to lose his composure. There's no way he's the only one that feels so deeply about the crimes committed against his pantry, "No, no, no, it's the principle that matters here, Y/n! How do you inhale someone's hi-chews without a word and not lose sleep at night? It's downright diabolical!"

You've almost fully zoned him out by now and nod your head to the door so everyone knows it's safe to start leaving. "I agree, whoever ate your hi-chews is a menace to society. Now let's put a pause on this and sort it out after we've had our fun, okay?" He whines, but follows anyway. Getting discounted entry to places because of Oikawa's celebrity status had its benefits. But after what just happened, you've decided it's not worth the trouble. 

At the movies, everyone's content and sitting in their seats (excluding the beloved setter, who's grumpily eating a soft pretzel next to Iwa). Issei watches you sip your Icee, a smirk on his face clear as day despite the dimmed lighting. You quirk a brow out of curiosity, "What are you up to?" 

He sighs, leaning towards you on the armrest, "Calling me a menace to society is a little dramatic, dontcha think?" 

You ponder for a bit. Now when did you call him a menace- Oh, wow... You open your mouth, but before you can say anything, he shoves a handful of popcorn into it, “Oh, the trailers are starting, babe. Let’s sort that out after the movie.”

This guy…

Thanks for reading :) Likes and reblogs are appreciated!!

Got the top and bottom dividers from here.

[liopleurodean]

Season 12, Episode 4: American Nightmare

They always show the churches so empty

She is not okay

...were those the cross wounds?

They are!

What is she saying?

The crown of thorns...

Must be Enochian

Not again

Sean Penn and Robert De Niro are the stars of the movie "We're No Angels"...

Poor guy

Dean.

He's not exactly wrong

It seemed angelic

That's one way to put it

They are. So loud. And surrounded by people

That was weird

Aw, Dean...

No, you're not

Again.

Sounds like a great TV show

...

Sam, what does that mean?

I thought Sam hated rock. Of all kinds. My whole world is upside down right now

Dean asking the real questions

Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani (I'm proud of myself, I looked it up to make sure the spelling was right and only two letters were off)

They want to know

Yikes

He is definitely not okay

That's one way to put it

Dean...

Sounds like Jesus to me

Wait, THAT'S what stigmata means? I gotta go find that Tumblr poll

Huh.

Romans

Yikes

Right...

Not likely

Hmm

Makes sense

Wouldn't it be really funny if there was a tiny file about the Winchesters in there? Like, ages ago some ran across them living in a motel and filed a report but they moved out before anything happened

Dean, no

Jumping to conclusions

He is really antsy

Another one

Yikes

That's a lead

It's hard to do

Oh! Magda Peterson! Okay

More likely than the Wiccan

Sweater time

Oh, this is funny

Remember when Dean was able to parkour off of chain link fences? Yeah, me too

Dean.

...

But she doesn't hate you!

I've definitely done better with my brother after time apart

Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek were both in The Doors, known for the song "Light My Fire."

Dean.

That was an interesting reaction

I can imagine

Hah. Hahahaha. Yeah, they know God.

Concerning

The bike from the previous episode. Men of Letters tailing them, maybe?

I miss the old plates

Guess so

Wow. That's rough, buddy. What made the change?

Not me, sitting in front of two screens, typing about fake people doing fake things 😭

I can respect that

There we go

Ah

"behavior-enhancing", what does that mean? Anti-depressants?

...that's not concerning at all

But not for too long

I guess it worked

Sacrifices for longevity?

Sam...

Out of context, this probably looks horrible

Dean is confused™

I think Sam is on the better track

Dean.

Don't shoot her, Dean

Huh. Abraham and Elijah. Magda for Magdalene? I wonder what the wife's name is

Oh, don't ruin one of my favorite childhood songs like this

That must be Magda

She's skipping around in the song

Poor girl

Heh.

I don't think it's Lucifer

What is that, a flail?

...are they making her whip herself???

It's not her fault

Kid, get away from there

Spooky

I don't think so

The psychic powers

One of the horseshoes is upside down

...he has the Men of Letters symbol as his background? Seriously?

Nice candle

Dean, no

Yeah, I bet

That is kind of hilarious

Thank goodness they had that conversation

Great, he doesn't have an alibi

Where did they get the Aramaic from?

Well, I may not recognize most of the words, but I know a-do-nay!

Spooky

They were both wrong

Uh oh

Elijah, no

Dang it

I know this song, too

Is it?

You're not the devil, kid

Sam would know

That's not the devil, kiddo

How old is she?

Telekinesis

He hasn't used them in a hot minute

He used to

Hah! Not really

It wasn't on purpose

Oh, Magda...

It wasn't your fault, kiddo

Is this a normal situation?

Definitely not helping!

No, you really don't!

That doesn't sound right

No! No, it doesn't! That's against everything Jesus stood for!

What?

She's a psychopath!

Elijah, no!

Magda, help him!

No. Not even remotely

No!

This is horrifying

Magda, no, please

Thank goodness

Right

Let's hope she's not as psycho

Oh really? What makes you say that, Dean?

It's okay

I hope so

Wow.

Yeah...

Speaking of

Aw. Cute

Liar

Heh. She's got that hunter chic

...I don't think she's gonna make it to California

There's biker guy

Magda, look out!

Oh no...

Ketch?

Those freaking--

[musicrunsthroughmysoul]

Not only do I prefer the demo version musically, but lyrically it seems more cohesive than the studio version.

Like, omg no, why did he get rid of this verse (which, upon a bit of research, because I'm not a songwriter, I believe is actually the bridge!):

"I never dream of times like these When all my time is never free And every tear drawn face we see Is hung on you and me"

It's absolutely related to the rest of the song!!! Hello!!!? (I also love the commentary of "When all my time is never free"...it's very "Belief in the Small Man" to me, in terms of thematic similarities and how Big Country progressed as a band and still retained their values in their music.) The next part of the bridge (unless it's considered an entirely separate bridge...I'm not a songwriter, as I already mentioned, so I do not know!) doesn't fit quite as well to me, though, even though conceptually I love it and I'm curious if Stuart Adamson ever reused it for another song.

Anyway, I also love this demo version lyrically because, as compared to the studio version which is very 'Hello yes I'm putting all of my emotional baggage on you* and I can only be happy if you accept it without expecting any reciprocity from me...thank' but THE DEMO VERSION'S LYRICS NOTABLY DO NOT DO THAT!

*Whether he's talking about a partner or his homeland/country and countrymen, it's still kind of manipulative to me because, again, he makes no mention of 'If you do this for me, I'll do it back on your behalf,' so that's SHITTY! 😞 And it is, in fact, the opposite example of why I love "Wonderland" so much! So that makes the studio version of "I Could Be Happy Here" feel regressive. 🙃

Although I personally do not get what in the hell he meant by "If you could take my pride/If you could take my tears/If you could take my side/If you could take my fears/If you could turn the tide/You could be happy here" because that sounds like 'Here's my emotional baggage; NOW YOU CAN BE HAPPY [WITH IT]'???????????????? I'm sorry, WHAT. Hm...I guess it's just a good thing that was scrapped from the studio version, because, um, yeah...what. YIKES.

But after that bizarre verse, he gives us both of these verses:

"I will take my love I will take my stand I will be the one I will show my hand I will never run I will be happy here"

(Finally, a bitch takes responsibility! Good - THANK YOU!) And:

"We’re gonna use our love We’re gonna take a stand We’re gonna be the one We’re gonna show our hand We’re gonna never run We are happy here We can be happy here"

So he's not only taking responsibility, but it's implied that he shares it equally - and whether that's in a hopeful and hypothetical way or whether it's active (I could see it both ways, personally), the important thing is that it's still an equal effort. Yes, that fucking matters! Also, I'm intrigued by the first time he changes the verb type in the last lines of the verses "could/will" from a modal verb to a supporting verb "are" in the line "We are happy here"; it's the first time he switches from uncertainty with "could/will" to absolute, present tense certainty of "we are" (although to me it loses a lot of its power when he immediately returns to the modal verb of "we can")...I'm not sure why he did that, except that "we are" happens to follow the pattern of the rest of the "we're" contractions in the verse's anaphora (which I had to look up as I am very much not an expert in poetry - it's the practice of word or phrase repetition at the beginning of a group of poetic lines), but then to not only break the anaphora but return to the hypothetical context of so much of the rest of the song feels like a letdown! Oh, well - at least the final verse brings back the supporting verb of "are" for "And we are happy here" as the final two lines! :') So that's something to look forward to, literally, in the rest of the song.

[kiasfabexistence]

Kanthony (mostly Anthony) breakdown of Episode 5: Trying to be the Viscount when I just want to be Kanthony (part 1/2)

Anthony this whole episode is trying to be the Viscount, playing the role, doing his duty, all rationality no emotion yada yada. He sums this up in ep 6 with his conversation to Edwina “we don’t have a choice” “our roles aligned” but we’ll talk about that episode in more depth later. But that menace to society and love of his life Kate keeps fucking up the plan! We’re going to track the build up of this episode from Anthony’s perspective here (and a lil of Kate’s) that basically culminates in his admission that Kate is the reason the wedding couldn’t continue. We have 6 Kanthony scenes in this episode folks, so let’s get started:

Scene 1: daydreams & meeting with queens

Here’s where it all begins. This scene is important for a couple of reasons. First this scene is from Kate’s POV and we see her flashbacks in the hallway and her trying to compose herself. Then when she’s sitting down with everyone else and he looks at her, she has ANOTHER flashback just from looking at him. Right in front of the queen, Edwina, momma Sharma and Lady D!! In front of everybody’s salad. Yikes. And they are both visibly nervous, Anthony practically kneading his hands together fiddling with his ancestral ring (hello, does DUTY call?) and Kate being a pile of jitters like that guy from season 1 smallville. And also, per usual can’t keep their eyes off each other. Which tells us that not only can they alone see the other’s nerves and strain. Once again they see and understand the one when no one else does. Secondly, our love birds don’t do much talking and not at all to each other than their greeting in the hallway. Everything that’s happening here, like in many of their scenes, is unspoken. Only decipherable with the right context. It’s scenes like this where it makes sense that Edwina and others didn’t see this coming. A lot of Kanthony getting close either psychologically or physically is when they are alone. Other times where they are speaking volumes without words or thinking of each other, others aren’t privy to because only have partial information or aren’t paying close attention and usually it’s both. Kanthony doesn’t even consciously realize just how much they mirror in each in different ways yet. And speaking of mirrors (Is there a mirror in this scene? I’ve been wanting to do a mirror count but haven’t gotten to it yet)

Since one of our themes was mirrors this season, let’s assume that Anthony was mirroring more than Kate’s nerves here. Anthony may be a little late because he just had to compose HIMSELF after having flashbacks of Kate. When he looks at her during the meeting/tea time he’s imaging how close he was to feeling her lips against his. How he could hardly stand the sight of how beautiful she looks today and every day. Will this awe of her ever lessen? It seems ridiculous that she takes his breath away every time he sees her. Surely this couldn’t be healthy for a person. It probably hits him here, the irony of it all. How he wanted to find a wife this season and stumbled upon the perfect diamond, a woman who was pleasant and amiable, someone who checked all of his boxes and they had the blessing of the queen. He should be content. Except Kate. SHE was the only one with whom he’d truly felt contentment with in the past decade. She checked nearly none of his boxes in the list that he created with logic and reason and yet checked all the boxes on the list of his heart, his desires, his secret dreams. If Kate and Edwina could somehow trade places, he would have sworn he had died and arrived in heaven.

But that could never be. He, the Viscount had decided on what this marriage would and would not consist of and if there was a chance that what Daphne had said was right, Kate would not do. Love. He was resolute that he would not allow that. Until he looked at her. Into those beautiful, clear doe eyes of hers. Until he caught the scent of her as she passed. Until he thought about the feel of her hand on his. Keeping his eyes away from her was a nearly impossible feat. In this scene Anthony is feeling it acutely. How wrong and impossible this all is. But he’s had many years of pushing feeling down and allowing the Viscount to take over. It’s second nature to him now. He’s the Viscount in this scene but you can see how Kate’s wearing him down.

2: ring the alarm baby

Our second scene is a classic Kanthony with Brooks boy twist. Our star crossed lovers are nearly alone and seeing as Brooks is having an open love affair with the tea and cakes one can infer that they are actually alone. Not that having more people in the room would change anything really, as we’ve established in the last scene. When Kanthony are together, even if you’re at the alter getting marriied to HER SISTER, all senses are trained on Kanthony. I don’t make the rules here people. It is what it is. Anyhoo. There was a great analysis somewhere that I will find at some point talking about how Anthony HAS to engage with Kate when he’s around her, and you can see definitely see that here. He’s sort of pacing, jaw clenched, trying his fucking hardest not to look at her, and seems to be internally fighting with himself. Context matters here and last time they were alone… well we all saw what happened and like us, they can’t stop thinking about it either. Kate does a good job of being up front about it. She wants to address it but Anthony is still in Viscount mode except for the one slip of the life raft he throws at them both “would being married be the outcome you desire”. But they’re doing their usual “ily but you annoy me and I can’t be with you bc of obvious and some not obvious reasons” back and forth banter until they are interrupted by cake boy Brooks and whatever he was saying about gloves and rings and spans. Interesting note how quickly they both object to the ring sizing. It’s an awkward situation they don’t want to be in precisely because deep down deep, they know it’s the situation they desperately want.

The scene does a clear shift once the ring is on its rightful owner. I’m surprised a harpist didn’t suddenly appear in the corner and start playing honestly. You can see how Anthony is just completely overcome. As his eyes travel up her body, the Viscount leaves, runs off never to be seen again (at least until his fiancée and other people come lmao). It’s just Kate and Anthony here, having another moment which in hindsight, always scares them both and leaves them wanting more. In the moment however, they simply choose to be in the moment. They pull vulnerability and gentleness from each other and are always helpless to resist it. Right before Anthony takes her hand you can see it all click for him. He can’t deny it anymore. Daphne was right because this feels RIGHT. Anthony feels like his life was leading to this moment with this woman. She is meant to be his wife. He is hers and always will be. All of this is what he’s feeling as he holds her hand. The Viscount never stands a chance when in Kate’s presence, which after a decade of being suffocated by the role, is exactly what Anthony needs. She is his breath of fresh air and this moment is where it all becomes clear to him. He dons the mask back quickly however and hates how it makes him feel.

3: hands off, hands on

this scene is the one that made me want to do this breakdown. I’ve always loved the overt parallel between this scene and the previous ring scene and in a season of mirrors and parallels galore, this is definitely in my top 3 and it’s not 2 or 3. I replied to someone who addressed this parallel briefly and then thought about it’s broader significance in the entire episode which lead us here. Basically the docks scene was meant to portray 1. How Anthony genuinely couldn’t stand the thought of another man touching her ungloved hand. At this point they’ve had hand to hand contact on at least 5 times and Anthony KNOWS how she makes him feel and he constantly thinks about how his mind goes blank whenever he touches her. My man letting DORSET?? touch her? Was never going to happen. And 2. He NEEDS to touch her again. To hold her hand like he did earlier. He doesn’t like to think about how RIGHT it felt to see his parent’s ring on her finger, to look at her and feel with no doubt that she was meant to be his, but for the life of him it was all that occupied his thoughts. And there she was, magnificent as ever, laughing and touching??? Dorset?? He would not stand for it.

Now I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that this level of intensity and jealousy is a consistent character trait of Anthony’s. There’s actually not a ton of parallels between Anthony and Kate and Anthony and Siena that I can think of which is a good thing in my opinion. They were both good for him in different ways and he learns more of who he is through both relationships. However the docks scene reminds me of the boxing scene in S1 when Siena was with the other guy and Anthony was eye fucking her and then literally fucking her. Anthony can be slightly obsessive and possessive at times which is another reason why I think he pushes away intimacy and love. Because he knows how he is subconsciously and how vulnerable that can make him in relationships and with himself tbh.

The comical parallel here is how he uses mansplaining again in order to touch Kate. Whereas in ep 4 he “showed Kate how to hold a gun” this time it’s “I question your nautical skills”. I like adding the “go get lemonade so I can sit with my girl” scene in ep 2 as well even though he wasn’t as conscious of his attraction to Kate then. This scene is another perfect example of having a ton of meaning even though our lovebirds don’t say much to each other. Our Viscount is in full force, but once again his body betrays him and we clearly see the cracks in the facade because of none other than the Bane called Kate.

I did this on my phone so sorry if formatting sucks

[decadentpaperduck]

Teach me How to Love You (Tasm! Peter x Fem Reader)

Words: 1.4k Warnings: Yikes, angsty Summary: Peter is withdrawing from you. He has been here once before.

Loving Peter Parker was easy. Loving Spiderman was…less so.

It started about a fortnight ago. Peter’s words were brief, his smiles were small. His spark hadn’t just faded, it had disappeared. And you couldn’t remember the last time his hand found yours for a reassuring squeeze, one you could really do with right now.

Your mind span with worries. Had you missed the anniversary of- had you forgotten her birthday? You had searched notebooks and calendars for dates or clues, but not one of those tainted days were within a two month radius. You felt hopeless.

As he sits in front of you at the dinner table, you register the severity of his gaze. His eyes are transfixed on his fork and you can almost smell a connection in his brain short circuiting. It can’t be something simple. He would have said something by now. You swallow.

“Pete.” He doesn’t look up. You falter. When you and Peter first started dating, the man would have given himself whiplash to look you in the eyes whilst you were speaking to him. But right now? He seems to be somewhere else. “What’s happened?” After a beat, he laughs a little: and it’s not the warm laugh you know and love.

“A lot of things, don’t you think?” A loaded question to say the least.

“Okay.” You put your own knife and fork down gently. “What’s happening right now?”

“You tell me.You appear to be giving me the fifth degree.” You hold your breath and tilt your head a fraction. You feel your eyebrows knot together and you chew your bottom lip.

You breathe out as softly as you can and nod, acknowledging to both him, and yourself, that this is not a fight worth having.

 You stand up wordlessly and take your plate to the sink before running the tap. “Enlighten me, what was the right answer to that?” You don’t know. But Peter’s way is disarming. He is not the arguing type.

He had lost enough people to know that life was brief and cruel. For him, arguing was not only a waste of time, but a gamble.

“An honest one would have sufficed.” You speak slowly. “Not a pedantic, unbearable one.” The sound of the splashing water is enough to drown you out to the untrained ear, but not to Spiderman’s senses.

“Oh, so now I am unbearable?” He chuckles and you drop the plate in the sink before turning around.

“What is-”

“Wasn’t so unbearable last night.” He sneers. Anger trips off your tongue in a laugh. It was unheard of for Peter to mention sex in any other context than the moment, and never in this way. He brandishes your shared moments between the sheets with an arrogance.

“I expected better from you, Peter.” Your voice was laden with betrayal.

“I guess that’s why they tell you to expect the unexpected.” He smirks and he finally looks at you.

“Get out.” For a moment you think you see regret travel across his beautiful face. He stands up and takes himself out of your flat, grabbing his coat in his fist on the way out of the door, saying nothing more. You feel light-headed.

 You turn around and shut off the tap hurriedly. You stare at the broken plate at the bottom of the basin. “What the fuck was that?” Your heart is racing and your stomach feels queasy.

Peter can hear your heartbeat as he stands outside the front door, trying to regulate his breathing. Part of him isn’t sure what just happened, or why. He is confused and angry and wants to be as far away from you as possible but also closer than he has ever been before and he doesn’t know what you want or what he needs.

 Four days pass before you hear from Peter again. The strangest four days. The longest.

 Peter: Hey

You: Hey yourself

 It sounded a lot more flirty than you wanted it to but at the same time, you didn’t need to add another argument to your relationship résumé.

 P: Can I come over?

Y: Sure

 Peter knocks at the door instead of coming in and you silently hate that. Did it only take four days to undo all of the time and energy it took investing yourselves in one another? Four. Whole. Days.

When you open the door, he registers that your shoulders are slumped, your skin is translucent and your eyes are red. You have cried and cried and you don’t need to tell him to know that he knows.

“Where have you been?” An innocent question of concern passes your lips instead of the barrage of insults you wish you could spew.

“Around.” His words were taut. “Look-”

“You couldn’t have sent a message sooner?”

“Oh, please, don’t start!” He groans, turning his shoulder away from you. A new angle with which to make a swift exit.

“Don’t walk away.”

“I’m not walking away.”

“You were literally about t-.” He clears his throat. “Can you just come in and listen to me for one second, Peter?”

He walks through the door and you want to scoop him up and shower him with love and affection. You want to brush his erratic hair, feed him and kiss him. You want to make it better.

“What?” It’s quiet. He had walked through the door and was watching you hold the door open and stare blankly ahead. You shut the door and bring yourself back into the room, looking at him.

 “I know that what you do has it’s risks.” He exaggerates the rolling of his eyes. He has scripted this argument in his head almost a million times, you wouldn’t win this. “But your choice to swan about like no-one cares for you is selfish and cruel.” The anger and hurt is making a cocktail hard for Peter to swallow. “You don’t want the people you care about to get hurt or die. Sure. You don’t want anyone coming to harm for simply knowing you. But I think I know something else.” His eyes scan yours. “I know you can’t stand anyone caring about you.” Peter doesn’t know how to act. “You know that if you die, you leave pain in your wake and you can’t stand that happening because it would be your fault. My pain would be your fault.” You shakily breathe out and back in. “You think that if you have no ties to anyone that, overall, everyone will be happier. Who does that work out for Peter?”

 He has heard those words before, from the mouth of a woman he had lost. The words had run through his dreams a hundred times. He is dizzy. He screws his eyes shut as he brings his hands up to his head. You don’t know, of course, that these words mean a thing to him. It is sheer coincidence that you have managed to read him like a book. “A life without your love by choice is just as bad as one without your love with the choice taken away.” You ponder if that makes sense but continue. “You think that by having meaningful relationships, your enemies win, because they have something over you, right?” You shake your head and sob. “They win, Pete, when you push everyone away. When you have nothing and no-one to live for.” You are sure that these words are meant to sound stronger out loud. “Don’t push people away in false heroics. I love you Peter Parker and I’ll be damned if you’re going to act like a spoiled brat and…and-” Your words fail you, you have shouted louder at Peter Parker than you had ever thought possible. The lump in your throat is sore and the tears are dripping from your eyes without restraint.

Peter lifts his hand up to your face gently.

“I-.” He swallows hard. “I don’t know how to get this right. I can’t do this. You are brimming with all this love and my dumbass doesn’t know what to do with it.” He looks at the floor as his hand drops against your neck. “You’re right. I can’t stand you loving me.” You whine, your eyes screwed shut, wet with anger. Why did he have to be Spiderman?

“Teach me how, Pete.”

“What?”

“Teach me how to love you the way you need me to.”

 He wants to tell you he doesn’t need you to, but every fibre of his being says otherwise.

[todomitoukei]

Japanese vs. English Todoroki - A 344 Comparison

Even though this second war has only just begun, we’re already having Dabi confront Endeavor (and Shouto) in the latest chapter. It’s only a short exchange, yet there is plenty to point out concerning the Japanese dialogue already. Starting with Shigaraki delivering the most important line of the chapter -

「荼毘」

「荼毘 ; dabi 」-> Dabi

= “Dabi.”

People just saying “Dabi” will always be my favorite thing, however, I do wonder at what point we’ll see him switch to calling him Touya. In a most likely scenario, this is going to happen once they’ve been saved, but at this point, only the heroes (including his own father, yikes!) still call him Dabi, so Shigaraki really needs to get with the times.

「指図するなよリーダー」

「指図するな ; sashizu suru na」-> don’t command; don’t tell someone what to do

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「リーダー ; riidaa 」-> leader; boss

= “Don’t tell me what to do, leader.”

Adding na at the end of a verb in its dictionary form is a commanding way of telling someone not to do something, in this case, it’s Dabi telling Shigaraki not to give him orders. And, to be honest, who can blame him? How would you feel if your boss had only just turned 21? And tried to stop your funky little performance?

As a side note, I know Dabi’s flames are drawn that way to look hot, but to me, it looks like they’re sparkling, which honestly perfectly matches his new fancy little outfit. And I know we’re all comparing him to Elvis Presley (outfit-wise only!) but “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen is definitely playing in the background here. this was supposed to be a joke but thinking about it, some of these lyrics are actually a little too fitting oof

「ここで会えるとは思ってなかったぜ　お父さん！！　まずはお仲間の葬式かぁ！？」

「ここ ; koko 」-> here

「で ; de 」-> at; in

「会える ; aeru 」-> able to meet

「とは ; to wa」-> adds emphasis to the prior word/phrase

「思ってなかった ; omottenakatta 」-> didn’t think

「ぜ ; ze 」-> emphasis particle

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「まずは ; mazu wa 」-> first

「お仲間 ; onakama 」-> companions; coworkers; comrades

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

「葬式 ; soushiki 」-> funeral

「かぁ ; kaa 」-> question marker particle

= “I didn’t think I’d be able to meet you here, father!! First, it’s the funeral of your colleagues!?”

Nakama is a word that can be used to mean anything from coworker, to comrade, to friend, although the latter is, in my opinion, unfitting because there’s no way Endeavor has friends. But that’s beside the point. Overall, it’s not an interesting word per se, yet what makes it worth mentioning here is that Dabi adds the honorific prefix o which is the same that you see just a few words prior in the word otousan and is used to show politeness and respect. Taking Dabi’s personality and also the overall context into consideration (like the fact he’s threatening to kill them), using an honorific here has the opposite effect and feels more sarcastic than anything else, sort of like saying “your high and mighty coworkers”.

It’s not sarcastic when saying otousan, though, although he also doesn’t exactly use this to be respectful. The main problem is that since deciding that Touya wasn’t good enough, Endeavor has refused to take actual responsibility for his son, continuing to ignore him despite all warning signs and constantly begging for attention. And now that he’s Dabi, Endeavor continues to refuse to watch and be a father for even a split second, so Dabi calling him otousan is just a friendly reminder. He won’t let his dad just pretend like he didn’t hear or see the truth and act like Dabi isn’t his son and calling him “father” is just one way to remind him of the facts.

「ハハア…ッ！！」

「ハハア…ッ ; hahaa…- 」-> hahaaa

= “Hahaa…-”

This one doesn’t really require explanation, but I would like to use this opportunity to remind everyone of what Dabi said to Toga a few chapters ago about it not making a difference who laughs or cries so they might as well laugh. Not to mention that he laughs in situations one would be expected to cry. And that he can’t physically cry anymore. So, you know, he might be laughing here. But is he really laughing?

「させやしねぇよ　馬鹿兄貴！！」

「させやしねぇ ; sasheyashinee 」-> won’t let someone do something (causative する+やしない)

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「馬鹿 ; baka 」-> idiot

「兄貴 ; aniki 」-> older brother

= “There’s no way I’ll let you do that, idiot big brother!!”

Adding yashinai to the polite verb stem means “absolutely not” or “there’s no way that…”, which gets paired here with the causative verb saseru which is used to show that someone is forced to or allowed to do something. Put together, in this sentence, it means that Shouto will absolutely not let Dabi do something. That “something” refers to Dabi threatening to kill the heroes around them, of course, although this isn’t exactly an effective method to change Dabi’s mind, the thought was there. Shouto is still in training, after all.

On another note, the second part of this line is being translated as something along the lines of “idiot brother” but that is leaving out the fact that while thus far, Shouto has referred to his brother as Touya-Nii, he now uses the word aniki.

While aniki also means “older brother” it’s one of those things that's more common in fiction than in the real world and can be used as a more casual/rough way to say “older brother”. In itself, this doesn’t necessarily stick out since Shouto is one of the characters that has a rougher way of speaking, so it’s entirely possible for this just being the case here with no further meaning.

I still want to point out, though, that aniki is not limited to one’s biological brother. Instead, it can be used to refer to anyone that fulfills the idea of an older brother, a person one considers a senior/superior as they teach the other person various things (which is also why this term sometimes gets used amongst gang members) through actions and words, someone one respects, etc.

Maybe, this is just Shouto addressing his older brother in a more casual way, which is appropriate for the situation they’re in. However, since he has used other words to address Dabi before (temee, Touya, Touya-Nii,...), switching to aniki here feels worth mentioning and while Dabi isn’t exactly fulfilling that trope just yet, maybe that’s what Shouto wants him to be in the future - not just his big bro by blood, but some kind of role model for him to look up to.

「焦凍（ショウト）オオ！！」

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「ショウトオオ ; shoutooo 」-> Shoutooo

= “Shoutooo!!”

You may wonder why it says Shouto twice here. We sort of have another case of the furigana not matching the kanji, which always means that the furigana show what the character says, whereas the kanji represent the actual meaning. The reason it’s only “sort of” the case is that, as you may have noticed, both kanji and furigana read “Shouto” here, so how does that not match?

Usually, furigana are written in hiragana, yet here katakana are being used, which is actually how Shouto’s hero name is written. In other words, Dabi says Shouto - the hero - but means Shouto - his brother.

Considering “Shouto” is the only thing he says here, it’s difficult to perfectly interpret this line for the time being until we hear what else Dabi will say to him (if there will be any talking at all). He most likely says “Shouto (the hero)” because, at the end of the day, that’s who Dabi’s “enemy” is as Shouto (the hero) is the role that was originally going to be Touya’s. He’s never had an issue with Shouto (the person) as we’ve already seen in the flashback chapters when Touya told Natsuo years after the incident about how he still felt guilty over having attempted to harm his little brother, as well as the fact that he doesn’t exactly know Shouto (the person).

But he means Shouto (the person), because this is personal business, anyway, just like he addresses his father as otousan instead of Endeavor. Despite having an issue with the role Shouto is fulfilling, Dabi always means the people behind these assigned roles, similar to chapter 290 when Dabi says “Dance with me here” but actually means “Dance with your son in hell” - meaning, even when he can acknowledge that Endeavor, Shouto (the hero), and Dabi are hero/villain personas and those are the ones causing the problems, they are still people behind those personas and relatives at that who can't just turn a blind eye anymore.

There is no separating the two, even if he doesn’t know Shouto personally and thus isn’t able to have an issue with him on a personal level, he still means his little brother and not just his hero persona because there is no staying out of this family matter.

All in all, a short exchange but a few noteworthy moments regardless. This shows that there will definitely be a lot more to talk about in regards to future chapters when we’ll get longer dialogues, hopefully including ones without Endeavor since otherwise Dabi will hurt himself too much and no one will pay much attention to Shouto. One of those dialogues better include an udon dinner invitation, but I’m guessing we’ll still have to stay a bit more patient for now. Or maybe next chapter we’ll already see them slurping noodles at Endeavor together, who knows!

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Hi! It's an au twilight question.

What if Edward and Bella did the nasty in early New moon. Then the party happens and the Cullens leave. Bella discovers she's pregnant with Renesmee. What do you think what would happen?

A very interesting question, anon. One that will go very interesting places, I'm sure.

That said, as usual, because I'm a completionist, we have to go through the "why no canon?" routine. Bear with me, I simply must.

Why Didn't Edward and Bella Do the Nasty Pre-Breaking Dawn?

For all that Edward is, for all his... questionable morals and sexual fixations, he does have a moral code he strictly holds himself to.

Edward is adamantly against having sex with Bella in terror of the very real possibility that he will murder her in the act. He's very clear about this, he didn't think he could do it, at all, and only his sheer desperation that Bella never be turned, his desire to marry Bella, as well as Alice's thumbs up convinced him to do it.

If Bella was a reasonable person then she would have agreed as well. Sex with Edward, while she's human, is a bad idea. However, Bella never really seems to clue in on what vampires even are so I think the Man of Steel on Woman of Kleenex aspect is lost on her.

Had Alice not given the green light, I imagine Edward would have gone back to the drawing board and ended up either here or here. Bella turning is the worst possible outcome and Edward will risk almost anything, even Bella's death, to see it avoided.

But that doesn't mean it's an action he takes lightly.

He suggests pimping Bella out to Jake before he suggests sleeping with her himself. For Edward, this is a last resort.

More, Edward is a man of his time.

Edward was from an upper class family and, more to the point, still holds himself to the standards of the society he knew when human (much to Bella's amusement).

Edward wistfully talks about courting Bella, how he would have courted her had he been a true man in the time period he was familiar with, and why marriage to him is so very important.

That Edward doesn't seek out the approval of Charlie, Bella's father, is a hilarious aside to me. Edward's all about chivalry until all those old society standards get in his way.

What do you mean a gentleman doesn't sneak into a lady's apartments in the middle of the night to watch her slumber unawares?!

Regardless, marriage is extremely important to Edward, especially in the context of sex.

Edward will absolutely not have sex with a woman who is not first his wife. He also will not marry a girl that society defines as underage, he will wait until Bella's legal and probably until she finishes her primary schooling.

This means Edward was never likely to have sex with her before graduation and certainly not before her eighteenth birthday.

Which, at the earliest, puts her past the New Moon birthday bash.

Edward and Bella Do the Do Anyway

But let's pretend they do it anyway.

I'd say the most likely scenario is after the birthday disaster. This is it, Edward knows he is leaving Bella forever, if he is truly noble then he will never see her again.

Certainly, he will never interact with her nor hold her in his arms. To Edward, this is essentially his last true night on Earth.

So rather than pull a partial D.E.N.N.I.S. system, Edward pulls the full D.E.N.N.I.S. system, he initiates the "I" he was previously missing, "Inspire Hope". Or, in this case, get laid for the first and only time in his life.

He sneaks in through her window. They make beautiful, passionate, tepid love so Edward does not crush her in the act, and as she sleeps blissfully in the aftermath he sneaks back out the window to never be seen again.

(It takes Bella a week to admit that Edward just hit and run. The Cullens aren't coming back.)

However, because Edward didn't actually point blank tell her what was happening, rather than hit her New Moon stage of depression, Bella's instead in denial.

The Cullens are coming back. What, Carlisle has a new job? No, that can't be right, they're coming back. Alice would never leave her without a word. Edward would never leave her without a word.

Jessica pats Bella on the back consolingly and is secretly glad that it's not her. She might have been dumped by Edward Cullen, but at least he didn't humiliate her the way he did Bella Swan.

Leaving without a single word, yikes.

Two weeks go by then Bella gets the flu.

In a single day, she's unable to keep down anything. Huh, that's weird. Very quickly, Bella has her tampon epiphany. Bella is not a virgin, she had sex with Edward, she's late, and she appears to have a baby bump.

Bella is carrying Edward's child.

There is no question of aborting the child. This is Edward's child, the only piece she has left of him, even without Renesmee's gift it's ride or die. Bella is delivering this child even if it kills her.

However, she has some immediate issues.

First, she's visibly pregnant, it's been only two weeks. That's not supposed to happen. More, Charlie is bound to notice sooner rather than later, Bella would like to avoid that, the stigma of teen pregnancy, as well as the inhuman complications that are sure to come along.

Second, there's inhuman complications. Bella can't just go to an OBGYN, not even a town over. She's carrying something half human, a doctor will poke around and find that out, and then Bella's blowing the secret.

Bella knows vaguely of the Volturi at this point, but not the severity of the law, it's more that she promised Edward she would never tell a soul.

Plus, a human doctor wouldn't be able to help anyway.

That leaves vampires.

Bella tries to call/email the Cullens. However, thanks to Edward, all their numbers are disconnected and all their emails no longer exist. Her "Alice, help, I'm pregannant" messages are sent to a void.

(Alice, meanwhile, thinks she's finally successful in blocking visions of Bella. At least Edward will be off her back. Without the cliff diving and Jake, Alice does not assume Bella has died/committed suicide.)

A brief internet survey also yields Bella no results, but it does get her a lot of vampire porn. Thanks internet.

Bella... starts to get worried.

She's getting more and more pregnant in a matter of days, Charlie is starting to notice that she can't keep anything down, and the Cullens aren't taking her phone calls.

Then, Bella has it, she remembers that weird baroque painting Carlisle had of him and those Italian vampire dudes: the Volturi. Conveniently named after the city they live in, Volterra, Italy.

Bella debates her options.

Edward told her that these are the guys who make sure that humans who know the secret disappear. Well, Bella is a human who knows the secret, that's bad. Also bad is that they eat people, Bella is a person.

On the other hand, Edward implied these guys are civilized and friends of Carlisle. That's... good? Bella isn't sure she's on good terms with the Cullens, given the whole abrupt leaving thing, but maybe they don't have to know that.

Bella debates with herself, tries to look up the Denali, and only finds the National Park. She has no idea where these guys even live, or what they even look like besides "blonde hot vampire", and she's short on time. Plus, they are close with the Cullens, so the Cullens probably did tell them "Ew, Bella, No Gross, Do Not Want".

Because the Cullens all hate her now.

Bella has some money saved up, and this is probably a one way trip, and if she doesn't go then... well, it's not looking good. Bella musters up her courage, tells Charlie some outrageous fib to explain why she's disappearing off the face of the planet, and books a flight to Rome, then Pisa, then a bus ride to Volterra.

Bella subsists completely on blue gateorade, this doesn't go well, and she vomits blue in the parking lot.

Regardless, she makes it, huzzah she is in Volterra. It's sunny out and there are no vampires. Bella wanders around the city and looks for the most vampire building she can find.

Luckily, she happens to be right, and it's the very central castle. Well done, Bella.

Bella walks in and spots a vampire. She also spots a receptionist, Bella is very confused. Never the less, Bella says the magic words, "I'm a... friend of Carlisle Cullen?"

Even though Bella doesn't have Aro's name (or any of the other Volturi for that matter), Carlisle's name does the trick. Anyone who works for Aro knows that name.

Color Aro intrigued, he will meet this pregnant woman! (Caius, meanwhile, votes that they eat her immediately out of spite.)

Well, Aro touches her hand and lo and behold she's scarily gifted. And she knows Carlisle, what a great day to be Aro.

Aro explains that everything's totally fine with her knowing the secret, it just means they have to turn her eventually, after she gives birth of course.

Bella stares at him numbly and wonders why Edward made this such a big deal if it was that easy.

Aro insists Bella start from the beginning, as in the very beginning of her life. This is weird, but Bella complies.

An hour later they get to the interesting part: Bella meets Carlisle (and Edward Cullen, Aro guesses). Aro gets to hear the whole, sordid, ridiculous tale of Bella and Edward's romance including the part where he fucked her and ran off into the night.

Aro is stunned.

He first apologizes for the Cullens behavior, they should absolutely not have abandoned her, and not turning her was completely irresponsible (what the hell was Carlisle thinking?)

He then gives the bad news, he... has never heard of anything like this.

You see, normal vampires don't have sex with humans. It isn't done.

Also, there's this thing called Immortal Children (Edward tell you about that, no? Well, he probably thought it wasn't relevant). That thing your carrying might not be a child capable of growth but an insatiable monster.

Or it could be the alien from Aliens.

There's no way to tell, really.

BUT NO NEED TO WORRY, BELLA, THEY WILL FIGURE THIS OUT.

Aro promises Bella his protection and a period of observation for the child. Bella's not sure she likes that observation part, but this seems like a pretty sweet deal otherwise.

As for what to do, well, Aro has to call in the foremost vampire medical expert. Sorry, Bella, but there's only one man for the job.

Aro sends out Demetri to find Carlisle.

Demetri shows up on Carlisle's doorstep, "Carlisle, old friend, Aro has need of you. Your son knocked up a human girl."

Carlisle blinks, blinks again, then does a thousand yard stare. My God.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Edward is already on Victoria's tail. Carlisle tries to call him, to no avail, Edward isn't taking his phone calls.

Alice and Jasper are already on their trip to hunt down Alice's past. Plus, given the Volturi, they'd be unlikely to come anyway. Carlisle sends them a message.

Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett travel to Volterra to clean up Edward's mess.

And sure enough, there's Bella, very pregnant with a child that is very much not human. Carlisle dies inside, Rosalie's on a warpath that Edward would abandon his pregnant girlfriend to the point where the only place she could turn was human drinking vampires.

Rosalie takes it upon herself to leave Edward the world's angriest voice messages until he returns her phone calls.

Aro's delighted to see Carlisle again. Even if he does have a wife now. Also, Aro claims finders keepers for Bella, Carlisle's not happy about this and less happy that Aro points out that if Edward cared so much he wouldn't be absent right now, would he?

They figure out the blood drinking thing, Carlisle desperately raids a hospital to prevent Bella from being fed the leftovers of the Volturi victims. This likely doesn't work out for him.

At the last possible moment, Edward finally picks up his phone. He learns that all he's tried to accomplish failed spectacularly. Bella is pregnant with his demon child, is literally drinking blood, and is in Vampire HQ with the leader insisting she will be turned immediately after the C-section.

Edward races to Volterra and strides into the room demanding Bella be aborted and remain human.

Aro stares.

Carlisle awkwardly explains that Bella's too far along, it's too late now even if they wanted to, more she adamantly doesn't want to abort and never did.

As for Bella being human... Bella pipes in that she's cool on becoming the vampire part. Aro's a great guy. She then races to embrace Edward, he's come back, after all this time. And he's going to be a father, isn't that wonderful?

Edward loses his mind.

And because this is Edward, I have no idea what he'll do, only it'll be utter madness. This is my best guess.

To be a little more serious, he probably tries to abort the child anyway, he mercy kills Bella and the child, or Renesmee manages to get through to him.

Given canon, it's likely the latter. Bella is convinced that her and Edward's relationship is perfect.

Aro has no idea what to think of any of this.

[saorikuhara39]

Jul 2021 issue of B'sLOG Obey Me translation feat. Lucifer, Mammon, Beelzebub, Belphegor SPECIAL FEATURE Q&A - Desire

Jul 2021 issue of B'sLOG Obey Me translation feat. Lucifer, Mammon, Beelzebub, Belphegor (On sale during May 2021) Ask, And It Shall Be Given You: Is Desire, a Sin? SPECIAL FEATURE Q&A

INTRODUCTION

What the devil recites, lures out the forbidden 'desire' hidden within themselves.

The desires hidden in our hearts - from the trivial things in our daily lives to the sinful things we crave in our struggles - are something that all people have. In this month's special feature, we focus on the 'desires' of the boys.

SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH DEMONS

The question posed to the demon brothers who rule the famous Seven Deadly Sins: "Is Desire a Sin?" We asked them to delve into their 'desire' from their unique perspective as demons.

①Please answer the following question with regards to the theme: "Is Desire a Sin?" [欲は、罪か？]

(欲 means desire, greed. The translation will use both words depending on context.) MAMMON: Huh? What nonsense are ya talkin' about? What's the point of living if ya don't have greed?

BELPHEGOR: Well, that's not a question you would ask a demon.

BEELZEBUB: Appetite is most important.

BELPHEGOR: Okay, we know that already... whoa, you're dropping cookie crumbs.

BEELZEBUB: Sorry, Belphie. *munch* *munch*

LUCIFER: Demons, angels, and humans should all have some desire. It's a sin to be greedy like Mammon, though.

MAMMON: What are ya talkin'? When did I ever give in to my greed?

LUCIFER: You mean to say, that stack of bills on my desk is just an illusion?

MAMMON: Huh? What do ya mean? I ain't got a clue.

LUCIFER: I'll leave you with a choice, just for you - Be hung or be buried?

MAMMON: EEEK!

BELPHEGOR: It indeed is a sin to be greedy like Mammon.

BEELZEBUB: In other words, appetite is important. *munch* *munch*

②Some people in the human world believe that giving up their desire will make them happier, but what do you demons think about that?

LUCIFER: It depends on what kind of desire it is. If it is out of control beyond reason, it may be happier to let it go.

BELPHEGOR: You know that, Mammon.

MAMMON: I've got it under control. It's Beel who's not in control. He's always eating whatever he wants.

BEELZEBUB: It’s natural to eat when you are hungry.

MAMMON: What's more, desire is what life is all about, isn't it? It's really weird for them to be saying things like "If you let go of desire, you'll be happier..."!

LUCIFER: No matter the species, desire has no limits. But humans don't seem to be as faithful to their desires as demons. And hence we suffer.

BEELZEBUB: Does that mean I have to hold back when food is right in front of me? That's a very hard thing to do.

BELPHEGOR: If it makes you happier to eat, you don't have to hold back. It's okay to have those desires that lead to happiness.

LUCIFER: Desire can be a way of life. As Belphie says, I'd rather have that kind of desire.

MAMMON: That's what I mean! Let there be desire! Even for fellow humans!

LUCIFER: Did you listen to a word I said?

③Can you tell us about an occasion when you felt that the desire within the brothers was well demonstrated?

MAMMON: Lucifer is always the prideful one! He cancelled my dear Goldie, hid her and froze her...

BEELZEBUB: And so is Mammon, always as greedy as he can be. Yesterday, he was caught by a lower level demon.

MAMMON: Oh, that, anyway, there's Levi when he lost a game! He kept mumbling something about how it's unfair, and then he won't let us go back to our rooms until he won!

BEELZEBUB: Right. Then Asmo is... taking selfies everything time. Always says this, "Everyone is waiting for my exclusive shots ♡".

MAMMON: And then there's Satan. You know, when Beel emptied the fridge in the middle of the night. That was the one time where all the preparations for breakfast went out the window. He destroyed the whole kitchen in the heat of the moment... We ended up missing breakfast, and everything's a mess.

BEELZEBUB: That happens, too.

MAMMON: It ain't the norm!

LUCIFER: Belphie is demonstrating it now.

MAMMON: Hm?

BEELZEBUB: Oh?

BELPHEGOR: Zzz...

LUCIFER: We're in the middle of an interview and yet... He's indeed the Avatar of Sloth.

④Do you have a brother, a demon, or an angel that you feel is stronger in desire than you are?

BELPHEGOR: Fwaah... Mm... Wouldn't that be Solomon? I'm sure he's got his eye on making a pact with Lucifer.

MAMMON: That's about right. What do you think, dear Brother?

LUCIFER: It's annoying when he flicks the contract around whenever we meet.

BEELZEBUB: There was a time when he tried to sneak a contract into the Executive Office's documents and inadvertently made him sign it.

LUCIFER: What a fool.

MAMMON: Speaking of desire, do ya think that Luke's inquisitiveness about baking sweets is similar?

BELPHEGOR: Certainly. Even though he doesn't seem to like it, he's asking Satan to teach him the recommended recipe books in the Devildom, and he's asking Barbatos to share some novel ingredients with him.

BEELZEBUB: Luke's sweets are especially delicious. Those are the fruits of his hard work.

MAMMON: Yikes, desire is within these bunch of guys after all!

⑤Please give a message to the fans in the human world who are unable to let go of their desire.

BEELZEBUB: As Belphie mentioned, I think it's okay to have some desire that leads to happiness. Don't think too much about it, and just get along with your desires.

BELPHEGOR: That's right. I should continue my nap from now on because I want to. Fwahh...

MAMMON: Hey, there's still a bit more to go, keep yourself awake.

BELPHEGOR: Mmm...

MAMMON: As they say, desire is exactly the nature of beings. From now on there's no such thing as "If you let go of desire, you'll be happier"! The Great Mammon ain't acknowledging such things! How 'bout ya support me more and more with your moolah? Muahahaha!

LUCIFER: Desire can be both a poison and a medicine. It's just a matter of degree. Don't get swept away by your own desire like some idiot over there.

[hermitussy]

Bloody Hands (And how to clean them) Part 2

Alright, convincing her parents was honestly the easy part of everything, getting situated was the harder bit of it all, luckily, with the use of magic she was able to change him into something more comfortable without invading his privacy.

Puddles helped bring in some bandages and a cream to encourage faster healing, which she graciously accepted and applied to the back of his head. She hoped it’d help the fragile skin to stay together before wrapping the bandages around his head, trying to avoid as much of his hair as possible.

Once that was done it was really just a matter of waiting, she slept of course, but when she woke up the other continued to stay passed out, she was concerned she might’ve gotten there to late. Sighing, the brunette grabbed her bag and left for Hexside, school would be a lot harder having to worry about a passed-out friend in her room.

When she walked in the doors of the school she was immediately bombarded with a certain human and a purple-haired witch asking a million questions at the same time, honestly, she couldn’t make out a single word. 

“Okay, woah slow down-” She put her hands up, a small single to them to stop talking for a moment. “What happened?” Was the first thing she asked, but she had an idea already of what was going on.

“Hunter ran from the Owl House last night! We haven’t seen him at all!” Luz practically shouted at the other, concerned and frantic, alright so far, she’s got literally no context whatsoever as to what happened.

“Why did he run?”

The two standing in front of her looked back and forth before Amity started anxiously fiddling with her hands, trying to come up with an explanation that didn’t make her seem like a total ass.

“We were just talking! I..we were talking about everything that happened with him and I lost my temper at a certain topic… I might’ve said something along the lines of the blood is on your hands or something..” She muttered off the last part, Viney could see she felt bad about saying it, but it still made a small part of her brain mad, She said that, knowing what he’s been through?!

She took a deep breath in before talking, not wanting to accidentally yell, “That’s a yikes, you’ll need to give a very big apology but I’m sure he’ll forgive you, other than that, no I haven’t seen him.” It was his choice if he wanted people to know about the injury, it wasn’t her place to tell them, who in turn would tell other people.

“Okay, well, if you see him tell him we’re looking for him alright?”

“Yeah, I will, don’t worry.” She said with a smile before making her way to class, slightly shaking in a mix of anger and concern, she knew the other didn’t mean it but to say something like that… It just didn’t sit right with her, but she had to suck it up and get through the rest of the day.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It was a lot more challenging to actually get through the day than she thought, her mind was very preoccupied, she just wanted to lie down in her bed and pass out, yet she couldn’t even do that.

When she got home the first thing she saw was Hunter sitting at the table with a cup of tea in front of him, on the bright side, he’d woken up, on the downside, he was sitting in the dining room with her parents, shit.

“Hey, mom and dad! Mind if Hunter and I go to my room?” She quickly had the blonde follow her once they said yes, having him sit on the bed next to her so they could talk for a bit. “When did you wake up?”

He looked hesitant to talk, eyes darting around the room as his hands gripped at his sleeves as he finally began to speak, “Uh.. about an hour ago? I’m not really sure..” Hunter's voice sounded shaky, he seemed as though he didn’t want to make her upset even though she was more concerned than anything else.

“That’s alright, to be fair I don’t really keep track of time either, how’s your head by the way?” She tried to subtly bring up the topic of last night, the other was already scared so she wanted to be careful not to scare him more.

“..It’s fine.. Thank you, by the way, for uh-” He pointed to the bandages wrapped securely around his head, “I didn’t mean to burden you with, this.” His hands went back to resting against his arms, the grip on them looser than before.

“It was no problem really! You should be thanking your palisman over there for finding me.” She nodded her head in the direction of Flapjack, in which Hunter immediately got up and brought the cardinal to his chest, the bird chirping happily at the contact.

Boy happy! Boy ok! Happy!

“Yeah, yeah I’m happy.” 

She watched the interaction, man she adored the bond he had with his palisman, they really cared for each other, huh? “You don’t have to explain what happened yesterday, but I do recommend talking to someone at some point, Amity and Luz are looking for you and I bet Eda is too.”

He turned back to face her, his expression falling slightly at the mention of the other, fiddling with his fingers as the bird chirped from where it had previously decided to perch on his shoulder when he moved.

No worry, she safe, help you, nice person.

He nodded slightly to the words from the palisman, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to find the words to express himself, taking in a deep breath in slight frustration that he couldn’t speak.

“It’s okay, take your time.” She knew from experience that it was pretty hard to explain yourself on these kinds of things, it was a sensitive topic and she was alright if he didn’t end up wanting to talk about it.

Seeming to calm down at that, he let out a sigh before speaking, “We got into an argument, and I’m assuming she already told you what she said if you talked to them. I panicked and left, I mean, they probably wanted to kick me out after hearing everything I did so I mean, better for everyone I left.” Shaking as he spoke, she was about to stop him but he continued before she could do so.

“She was right, y’know? I mean, I did all that stuff, I killed people, not Belos, all he did was stand there, I was the one who actually hurt them, I’m a murderer, and then, I had the audacity to.. To feel bad about it! As if it wasn’t my fault they were dead!” He got louder than intended, and he hoped her parents didn’t hear, but who were two more people on the list of who hated him?

“Oh, Hunter.. No of course not, you're not a murderer, you were forced to do that, it’s not your fault.” She tried to stay quiet, or at least keep it gentle so he didn’t think she was getting mad. 

“But I killed them!”

“What would have happened if you didn’t? Belos would’ve hurt you right? You were scared, it’s not your fault, you didn’t want to kill them did you?” She gently took his hands. “Your hands are not bloody, you didn’t do that because you wanted to, no one blames you.”

Short, wrecked breaths left his mouth as he hugged her, crying into her shoulder, she wrapped her arms back around him, rubbing gentle circles on his back to try and calm him down. 

“I’m sorry- I didn’t want to! He would’ve killed me instead! I’m sorry! He was gonna- He-” He started hyperventilating, she immediately hugged him tighter, her right hand resting against his head.

“I know, I know, it’s okay, it’s gonna be alright, I’ve got you.” She motioned with her right hand for Puddles to come over, who immediately followed and wrapped a wing around them securely, she was always a big help when patients panicked.

He jumped at the touch, but soon welcomed it, breathing pittering into a normal pace, his grip loosened and he was set into a warm, welcoming hug. “Even if I was forced too doesn’t mean my hands aren’t dirty.”

“Then let’s go clean them, boom, problem solved!” She laughed at her own joke.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Maybe, one day he could clean the dirt away from his hands..

[tarisilmarwen]

Thanks for asking! As far as sources on the Jedi and their no attachment thing? It's the prequels themselves. A scared kid missing his mom is "greedy?" Yikes. Why would they take kids from birth families if they thought healthy family connections existed? And friendships? It stands to reason that a close platonic friendship (especially with an outsider) would pose the same threat as a love interest. An ally or acquaintance wouldn't be a threat, but love (platonic/familial/romantic) is a threat.

I think you might be misattributing Lucas’ comments to that particular scene.

There's plenty of quotes where he talks about Anakin's "greed” (here's the most comprehensive collection I've found) but none of them are specifically about the scene where the Council tests him as a child, they're all either speaking in general terms about what his issues are or specifically about when he loses her.

“He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can’t let go of his mother; he can’t let go of his girlfriend. He can’t let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you’re greedy, you are on the path to the dark side, because you fear you’re going to lose things, that you’re not going to have the power you need.”

“The key part of this scene ultimately is Anakin saying "I’m not going to let this happen again.” We’re cementing his determination to become the most powerful Jedi. The only way you can really do that is to go to the Dark Side because the Dark Side is more powerful. If you want the ultimate power you really have to go to the stronger side which is the Dark Side, but ultimately it would be your undoing. But it’s that need for power and the need for power in order to satisfy your greed to keep things and to not let go of things and to allow the natural course of life to go on, which is that things come and go, and to be able to accept the changes that happen around you and not want to keep moments forever frozen in time.”

So with that context it becomes clearer that it’s not that Anakin misses his mom, it’s that he has a distinct inability to let go and accept loss and change, something which is foreshadowed earlier in the film when he tells Shmi “I can’t do it... I don’t want things to change.” and she replies: “You can’t stop the change, any more than you can stop the suns from setting.”  It’s not that he misses her, it’s he won’t admit his fear of losing her (denies it defensively when the Council probes him about it), and his fear of losing things makes him clingy, and that clinginess leads to an obsession to keep possession of the things that he believes “belong” to him.  That is what Lucas, and by extension the Jedi, mean when they talk about attachment, it’s that unhealthy need to hold fast to things and keep things the same and the desire for the power to keep holding onto those things, the willingness to screw everything else but the thing you are attached to.

You can love someone deeply without being attached to them, without being afraid of them eventually disappearing from your life in one fashion or another.

Force Sensitives are a vulnerable class because their psychic wizard mind powers magnify any emotional problems they have tenfold, which is why they’re taught from a young age how to manage their powers, how to love people deeply without having unhealthy attachments to them, how to be mindful and admit their feelings and confront their fears.  It’s much easier to build up the foundations of mindfulness and self-examination and discipline that the Jedi need to keep their powers in check if they take the kids in at a very young age, before they have a chance to--as Anakin did--develop unhealthy thought patterns of denial and suppression.

On birth families, from what little we do know about Jedi adoption practices they don’t take every Force Sensitive child, they never take the children without the parents’ consent, and they allow parents that do consent an adjustment period.  It really isn’t like they take the kids away because they don’t believe in healthy family connections, more often than not it’s the parents themselves contacting the Jedi, because they believe the Jedi can give their child a better life.  Think of it more like real-world adoption of kids with special needs, the parents realize they are not equipped for the challenge of helping their child thrive so they make the decision to give them to someone who can help them.  It’s a selfless sacrifice on the parents’ part.

Those are the good scenarios, there were definitely situations where the parents didn’t make that choice out of altruism but a desire to be rid of their “weird” kid.  (Dooku’s dad literally left him outside the palace to get eaten by animals.)

We also have seen Jedi form close friendships outside the Order.  (Obi-Wan with Dexter, Yoda with the wookies, many many senators.)  The only danger with those is that, because of their position as representatives of the Republic, they do have to be careful to avoid the appearance of bias.  Jedi are supposed to be a neutral, mediating party fair to everyone, so being friends with one senator and not another could be nghl... politically hairy, let’s say.  Other than that there’s really nothing standing against Jedi having close friendships outside the Order.

This got a bit long, I apologize, and I don’t expect to change your mind or anything, but I do think that looking at Lucas’ words in their context make it clearer how he intended the undergirding philosophy of the Force to work, and what he actually means by attachment.  It’s very very easy to confuse “attachment” for “all close relationships” I know, trust me, but that isn’t what he meant, he’s not the best at explaining it but when you read or listen to his actual commentary I don’t think it can be argued that he means “love” when he says “attachment”.