#but the professor has the same accent as my dad and even he isnt here anymore.

[robobee]

.

what!!!! do i have to do!!! what must i do to keep people? am I doomed to forever have only temporary and passing companionship? what is it about me that people always always grow past? is it just the nature of things to change and evolve and for people to rotate out of your life? I know it is! but why is it always me who gets weeded out? I know I'm not particularly interesting or particularly consistent or particularly pleasant to be around but I think!!!! I think I'm kind enough!! I forgive and I forgive and I forgive and I tell myself i won't stand for it happening again and it always does. and every time other people are better, closer friends with each other, and I'm cursed with objectivity, with the writing on the wall. self help nonsense can't work when pure statistics say otherwise. if I don't say this here where else can I? I keep my nonsense out of conversation because I've learned by now nobody actually wants to hear it. shouldn't being lower maintainence make me easier to keep around? What else do I do? Is it just the core of me? always replaced as a friend? I still remember the name of the girl I loved in kindergarten. Do you think she's ever thought of me once?

[twslug]

gonna answer all the q's of that one post i rbed like two days ago or something, answers below break if u gaf (really not groundbreaking info)

answers start here:

that i don't have to do a lot of things (both academically and in my personal life) that i don't want to do but pressure myself to do anyway. a lot of things really and truly Do Not matter

isolating myself due to anxiety or aimless frustration that i don't have an outlet for,,, big fan of Being locked in a room for hours

fav self care is skin care/workout and good music, i'm listening to my girly pop playlist post-workout (current song is toxic by nico rosberg aka britney bitch, so just envision these mentally ill answers with fergie and britney and katy perry and rihanna in the background)

most vivid memory is definitely not a visual memory, i've got some memory loss so i don't remember much of anything about my life. HOWEVER i have an echoic memory, so i really latch onto peoples' voices. i looove f1 with all the different accents and languages (lowkey linguistics hpfx) so i can have drivers narrating my thoughts. charles's voice is super imprinted on my brain because he has a very unique (imo) speech cadence and choice of wording in english, same for max (both verstappen and fewtrell), lando, and other random celebrities or youtubers or irls or characters etc etc.

would like to recieve some emotional/social support, was kind of pushed to the side because my brother is more extroverted, better at school, had asthma and ocd and several food allergies, but i was left to my own devices because i was much quieter and in the background.

have always wanted to be able to take academics into my own hands, as per the last answer, i am very quiet irl and have a hard time asking for help so i spend a lot of schooling teaching myself, so i've mastered the ability to put my head down and succeed by myself but at what cost yknow, i cant even speak to professors or other students

apathy. chronic, neverending, borderline infectious apathy. im very stubborn so if my brain has become apathetic about something then you will never get me to care about it, even if i myself want to

rly gets to me when people are mean to people i like, for an f1 example, idk i like a lot of the drivers but seeing people be blatantly mean to them (criticism and affectionate jabs are Fine) really makes me feel upset and/or almost ill, i get rly anxious for some reason like i'm the one being insulted

no i don't cry. not really (back to the playlist, family ties by baby keem just came on TURN THIS SHIT UUUPPP) anyway i dont really cry, lots of apathy, forced to be the quiet kid etc etc

have done lots of improvement on my body image and having confidence in what i say/believe, esecially in a family setting, lots of my problems are from childhood and being overly quiet/shy, so i rly struggle(d) with speaking my mind but now Nobody has anything on me, my moms dad was a county sheriff and i openly rip on cops in front of her like fuccckkk off u made me like this

was very mentally ill at the time (was also during covid, so i was really mentally unwell), and they had their own problems, ended up having a rly toxic relationship. neither of us had redeeming qualities, said some things we shouldn't have, like mutual punching bags

wish i could connect to my new roommates for this upcoming college/university semester, again: very bad at talking to people, maybe it will be better when we all live together (copium)

POLITICS TIME: i get irrationally angry at people who know nothing about the US south, i live here and it pisses me off when most political "hot takes" about american southern conservatism are boiled down to classism and/or racism, drives me fucking insane

i only like affectionate teasing if i know you rly well or the jab isnt something im insecure about, but im a bit of a hypocrite because i playfully insult people all the time, good rule of thumb i follow is just never go for appearance, all makes u look like a dick

prefer to be numb, because even though its one of the worst things to ever happen to my Cranium, i have a really easy time letting things go and not being upset over things i should probably be upset about. its kind of peaceful when u come to terms with it

talent ive overlooked/lost is ,,,,,,, i actually dont know, i think ive honed the things im really good at, i was really good at being a stage manager in school theatre (was assistant director and stage manager for les mis in 10th grade, bitches love my organizational skills), maybe i pick that up again somewhere

call me seb vettel the way i really liked dark blue in the but switched to loving bright bright #ff0000 red, like the brightest u can get... good shit... Also british racing green forever and always

my stuffed animals :-) no harm in keeping them, i suppose

well this ones easy because i dont like talking about infodumping about the innerworkings of my Psyche but here we are, i feel a bit bothersome, hence this entire post being hidden under a page break ..

LAST ONE (current song playing is dancing in the moonlight by king harvest, for those of u following along athome), i believe people think im much kinder than i think i am. if that makes sense. i know the things ive said to other people, about other people, about myself, etc, and i just feel this kind of imposter syndrome whenever people say they think im rly kind or fun to be around because i know deep down i am miserable and evil and nasty... And dont even hit me w that "bad people dont care that theyre bad so u caring makes u not bad" no no no, thats the thing, i dont care . i am Evil... ebil,,,,,, Deomn evil

[star-mum]

LIVE REACTION TO NIGHTMARE TIME EP 1

Idk if anyone would even be interested in reading this but as I was watching the show last night I kept writing down my reactions on my notes so here we are

*this is all in caps idk why just roll with it*

THE OPENING SONG IS SUCH A BOP OMG NICK LANG HIMSELF ?????? MONSTER FUCKER RIGHTS ???? HIDGENS ENTRANCE HOW ICONIC "LUCY IS HAVING NONE OF IT" I LOVE THAT OMG JOEY PLAYING KONK (?) IS SUCH A POWER MOVE I LOVE THAT THE BEGGINING IS JUST TARZAN FANFIC SKSKSKSKS MARIAH IS TEXTING JOHN (?) AND HES LAUGHING SM WE LOVE A COMEDY QUEEN I LOVE THEM USING THE ZOOM BACKGROUNDS SKSKSKS KONK IS AWFULLY CLOSE TO COCK AND I THINK ITS ON PURPOSE ?? SPECIALLY WITH THE LAG I HAD TO DO A DOUBLE TAKE SOMETIMES SKSKSKS SOMEONE JUST SAID "TED'S ORIGIN STORY" ON CHAT AND I LOST IT !!!!! COULD YOU IMAGINE ???? HANDSOME LADY ? I MEAN SURE TIGHT JOHN IS LOSING IT FUCK MAN, SAME CURT OMG THAT ACCENT OOOOOOOOHHHH BOY I KNEW IT WAS HER FIANCEE SHIIIIT WE CANNOT TRUST HIM I KNOW THIS !!! "ENTAGLED" SKSKS WHAT SIR HES GAY CHILL OUT WHATS THE YEAR, IT FEELS SO OLD TIMEY "I'D SAY YOU HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS APEMAN" OOOOOOOHHHH DONT U SAY JONATHAN IS A PUSSY BITCH I CAN TELL LUCY JUST DROP IT OH SHE ACTUALLY DID ????? FUCK IT UP BABE

(I JUST ACIDENTALY DELETE HALF OF WHAT I WROTE SHIT, ILL HAVE TO REWRITE IT FROM MEMORY) WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE TRICKING US??? THEY CALLED IT, WHAAAAAAAAT WDYM "PLAY THE PROFESSOR" IS HE NOT A PROFESSOR WHAT ALTERNATE REALITY IS THIS I NEED TO KNOW

ARE THEY GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM WHAT??? SINGING LONDON BRIDGE WHILE CHASING SOMEONE IS MY FAV SCARY TROP HAHAHHA YEEEEESSS "TOOK OFF WDYM" GIRL HE IS HOLDING A GUN WHAT DO YOU THINK "WDYM" WHY DID HE KEEP THE KONK ACT AFTER LUCY LEFT SKSKSKSKS TED WTF SKSKSKS "I DO SOME OF MY BEST THINKING WHEN IM ERECT" HAHAHAHA TED LIKES TO BE A HIMBO THATS GREAT IS HE GOING TO KILL TED ?? AAAAAAAHHHHHH TED HE HAS A GUN PLZ DONT TEST HIM HE HAS ALREADY KILLED A MAN OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK RECAST???? WHO IS TAKING TED'S ROLE ????? OH SO ITS NOT OLD TIMEY AFTER ALL RED SOMETHING???? OH TED'S GONNA PROPOSE IS SHE GONNA SAY NO? SHES GONNA SAY NO RIGHT ? FUUUUUUUUCK HAHAHHAHA WHY IS HE NAKED ??? JAHAHHAHA WHAT WHAT IS HAPPENING TED WHAT ? "PROFESSOR SHOULD GO FUCK HIMSELF" HAHAHAHA PORNHUB PREMIUM ACCOUNT HAHAHAH "OOOoooOOoOoOoOoOohhHhhHh BUT IT IS" FUCK NO DONT KILL HER OOOOOOOOOHHHH TED'S DEAD SHIT OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ROBERT'S ACTING IS *CHEF'S KISS* DAMN OH SHIT TED *NOW* TED IS DEAD FUCK HIDGENS IS HERE NOOOOOOOOOOO IS HE GONNA KILL HER ??? OH SHIT OH FUCK LUCY'S CAUGHT IN  A BEAR TRAP WHY ARE PPL SAYING WORKING BOYS IN THE CHAT ??? OH THATS WHY !!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHH MINE IS A LITTLE BEHIND IS SHE BROKE ??????? OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA I KNEW IT HIDGENS GOT PLAYED THATS ON YOU BUDDY OH FUCK HIM UP LUCY ! BECKY BARNES ????? HATCHFIELD LORE ???? WAS SHE RUNNING AWAY FROM HIS HUSBAND IS THAT WHY SHE CLIMBED A TREE APE MAN SHOW UP PLZ WHO IS IT THO ?????? JEFF HELL YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK JESUS CHRIST APE MAN YEEEEAAAHHH WOOLY FOOT ?????? IS IT CHUMBY???? OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH HAHAHA YEEEEAAHHH HOW DID HIDGENS KNOW ????? OH IS IT OVER ?????? NOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANTED MORE ;-----; THIS WAS SO GOOD THO OOOHHH FUCK ANOTHER MUSIC NUMBER JAMIE YOU LOOK AMAZING !!!!!!!!!! I CANT WAIT FOR THESE SONGS TO BE AVAILABLR FOR US (IN LIKE 3 YEARS CAUSE IM BROKE SKSKSKSK) HE DANCES THE CAN CAN ?????? OKAY I SKIPPED A BIT TO BE ON TIME WITH EVERYBODY "ARE YOU FUCKKING HIGH????" YEEEEEEEEEAH PART 2 BABEY !!!!! NICK'S HAIR LOOKS AMAZING OMG OH ???????? BILL AND ALICE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD I MISSED THEM !!!!!!!!! OH THE TEEN ANGST I LOVE BILL SM HE'S SUCH A GOOD DAD DEB ????WHY WOULD U HURT BABY ALICE LIKE THIS ???? "I MIGHT NEVER SEE DEB AGAIN" GOD ALICE CHILL OUT LET HER BE A PLAY WRITER BILL CMON "MY BUDDY PAUL" AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH BLINKY ??? I DONT TRUST THAT AT ALL FUCK NO JOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHNNNN I DONT TRUST HES CHARACTER THO OOOOHHH LOVE DISCOUNTS I DIDNT LIKE THE WORKER CALLING HER PRINCESS THO, SHES BILL'S DAUGHTER NOT YOURS OOOOOOHHHHHH NO OH NONONONOONO BILL IS GOING TO DIE I JUST KNOW IT BLINKY IS EVIL I CAN FEEL IT ALICE NO NO LITTERING WHORE JAMES !!!!!!!!!! ALICE IS ALSO GOING TO DIE MAYBE RIGHT NOW WHO KNOWS BLNKY WTF SHE IS A MINOR WTF AAAAAH I DONT LIKE IT HERE JAMES ILY BUT THIS CHARACTER IS CREEPY AS SHIT I DONT LIKE IT HAHAHAH TIGHT LOVE THEME PARK STUPID SHIRTS "I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE FUNNY" HAHAHAHAH DROWSY TOWN ? THE CHAT PULLED MY ATTENTION TO THAT BUT I DONT GET WHY ? IS THIS BAD "I'D FOLLOW YOU ANYWHERE" THIS IS SUCH A DAD THING TO SAY OH ALICE CMON DONT SAY THAT BILL CUT IT OUT WITH DECIDING YOUR KIDS FUTURE THATS NOT FUN OH GOD I DONT TRUST THAT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO "AHOY BOYS AND GIRLS" NO NONONONONO UNCLE WILEY FUCK OFF THE SNIGGLES NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHH "WE'RE THE SNIGGLES DONT BE SCARED" YOU KNOW WHAT SNIGGLES I AM SCARED BUT HELL YEAH SONG TIME OOOOOOOHHH FUCK IT UP JAMES OH ARE THEY GONNA LIKE GIVE THE AUDIENCE A SLEEP INDUCING DRUG OR SOMETHING ??????? "DONT BLINK" AHAHAHA I DONT TRUST THAT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH "GREAT WE'RE DEAD" HAHAHAH THE SONG WAS A BOP THO "WHAT ARE THE SNIGGLES?" GREAT QUESTION ALICE "NOW U KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN I HAD TO SEAT THROUGH DEH" HAHHAHAHA "SEE U IN A SNIG" HAHAHA SNIGGLETTE ???U OKAY BBY??? OOOOOOOOHHH MORE SONGS HELL YEAH I LOVE ANGELA'S VOICE SM THE SNIGGLE PUNS ARE KINDA CONFUSING ME NGL WHY WAS THAT SO SAD OMG OOOOOOOH SHIT OH FUCK THEYRE GONNA KILL HER I JUST KNOW IT OMG "PRAISE THE WATCHER" OH MY GOD PLZ DONT KILL HER "UNTIL HE'S SEEN EVERYTHING" W H A T LAUREN'S VOICE SKSKSK SO CUTE PAPA SNIGGLE I DO NOT TRUST YOU THOSE ARE ALIVE ARENT THEY ????? OH FUCK SNIGGLETTE IS SHE OKAY ????????? "ANGELA R U ALRIGYT" WHAT "SHUT UP JEFF" OH MY GOD I DONT LIKE WHEN THEYRE SELF AWARE SKSKSKSK " U CAN SHUT THE HELL UP LAUREN" HAHAHAHA BILL OMG HE'S SUCH A DAD HAHAHAHAH ALICE IS SO NICE DO THEY NOT KNOW "ARON AROOON" HAHHAHA OH CHURROS I LOVE THOSE THE GIRL SHE DOESNT LIKE ?????? OH NON BINARY RIGHTS LOVE IT "IS THIS A FRIEND OF ZIGS" OH LOVE RESPECTFUL DAD DEB NOT COOL OH ALICE SHIT ALICE BBY IF SHES CHEATING ON YOU THATS NOT ON UR DAD STOP SHITTING ON HIM LIKE THIS "ITS UR MOTHERS FAULT" OH MY GOD HAHAHHAHA GREG AND ALISON ? AND BETH ?? DOES BETH LIKE HER ????OH NOOOOOO GREG NO U SHITTY SON OF A BITCH GOD FUCKING PUNCH HIM OH  NO HAHAHA FUCK NO THEYRE ALL POSESSED ARENT THEY THATS THE TEEN FROM THE MOVIE THEATER HAHAHHA "it lagged ;-; now we wait" A MAN IN A HURRY HAHAHAHHA OH SHIT BILL IS MAD IS HE POSESSED TOO ??????? OH SHIT WHATS HAPPENING BLINKY ????????? OH NO OH NO SHES GONNA HAVE A PANIC ATTACK THEYRE GONNA BE FINE RIGTH ??????? RIGHT ???? BREATHING EXERCISES BABY CMON OH NO PLZ DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID BILL NOOOOOOOOOOO BILL PLZ DONT DIE AGAIN I LOVE YOU SM PUT UR SEATBELT BACK ON PLZ NOOOOOOOOO OH THEYRE BOTH GOING TO FALL ARENT THEY OH NO OH MY GOD OH SHIT PHONE IS BROKEN OOPS AWN IM GONNA CRY PLZ LET THEM SURVIVE I BEG YOU NICK LANG OOOOOOOOH TWILIGHT BUT GAY I AM *HERE* FOR IT OOOOOH THANK GOD THEYRE SAFE THANK YOU NICK LANG BILL YOURE SUCH A GOOD DAD OH GOD SHIT ALICE CHILL OUT ITS JUST A PHONE BABE "SHE KNOWS IM WATCHING HER" I DONT TRUST THAT IS *SHE* POSESSED OR IS THIS JUST TEEN ANGST ALICE UR DAD IS TRYING HIS BEST PLZ CUT HIM SOME SLACK OH MARIAH TURNED HER CAMERA OFF OH DEAR GOD WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HAHAH I LOVE LIVE BLOOPS OH MY GOD BLINKY IS TERRIFYING FUCK NO DO NOT GET THAT WIGGLY JUNIOR BILL DONT HOW ??????? OH MARIAH IS BACK WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ??????? WHY CANT BILL GET THE MALLET THING DONT TAKE IT YES SMART LAUREN ? SKSKKSS WHAT MADAM IRIS I DO NOT TRUST YOU WHAT ?????? IS THAT ALICE'S PHONE ???? BILL DONT GET SCAMMED OH ITS AN ALL SEEING IPHONE ALICE CHILL PLZ IS HE GONNA DIE ????? PLZ NICK DONT DO THAT ALICE DONT DONT KILL UR DAD 49.95 AGAIN BILL PLZ TRY ANOTHER GAME JAMES DAMN THATS RUTHLESS BILL WHAT AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IS THAT REAL ???????? IT CANT BE ??????? OH ITS NOT REAL ARE THEY MAKING THEM HATE THEIR FAMILIES AND KILL EACH OTHER ?? A TENDER KISS ON THE CHEEK FROM A DEMON HOW NICE GUYS PLZ JUST GO TO THERAPY I BEG U WHAT ARE U GONNA DO BILL? KICK HER HEAD ??????? (SORRY I HAD TO) BLINKY'S FUNHOUSE THAT SOUNDS WARM AND COMFORTING THIS IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF NOT UR SEED FIGHTING IN THE MIRROR PART OF A FUN HOUSE IS ALWAYS A GOOD HORROR MOVIE TROPE OH FUCK ARE THEY GONNA WAKE UP OH FUCK PLZ WAKE UP ESCAPE THIS ALIVE YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH OH SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM ISNT SHE ????? SHES GONNA SHOOT HIM I JUST KNOW IT HES AWAKE SHES NOT IS BLINKY GONNA KILL THEM ?? OOOOOOOOHHHHHH FUCK I KNEW IT OH HELL YEAH ALICE FUCK IT UP ARE THEY GONNA DROW ?? OH NO OKAY DID THEY SURVIVE ???? IS SHARED TRAUMA GONNA SAVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SKSKSKKS THEY SURVIVED !!!!!!!!! THANK YOU NICK LANG (AGAIN) WAIT HOW DID SHE GET HER PHONE BACK ? OH MADAM IRIS DID GIVE HER PHONE BACK AWWNNNNNNNN ALICE THIS ONE HAD A HAPPY ENDING YAY WELL IG THE OTHER DID TOO BUT NOT FOR THE CHARACTERS WE KNEW

THIS WAS SO GOOD I LOVER STAKID !!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WISHED I WASNT BROKE SO I COULD PAY FOR THE NEXT ONES KSKSKSKSK WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU GUYS TO DO YOUR REACTIONS FOR THE NEXT ONES !!!

I HEARD GREG AND IT WAS CRAIG SKSKKSSK OOPS

*from this part on is reactions from after the show when starkid was answering questions from the chat*

YEEAAH VOTE FOR BIDEN HELL YEAH STARKID

"THE WITCH IN THE WEB" WEBBY ???????? DO WE GET TO SEE HANNAH AGAIN ?????

A THEORY ON TUMBLR FROM REDDIT ON A INSTAGRAM ACC ON YT OH MY GOD SKSKSKSKKS

THE STORIES ARE CANON !!!!!!!!! THEORIES LETS GO GANG

STARKID FANS WHO CAN DONATE TO STARKID PLZ DO I WISH I COULD DONATE TO THESE TALENTED PPL G O D

I WAS CORRECT IT WAS KONK WITH A K

NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE YES!!!!!! WORKING BOYS !!!!

"NICK LANG IS A BOSS"

MARIAH: SAYS FUCK AS ALICE ALSO MARIAH: GEEKED THE *FREAKED* OUT

TIP JAR HAS BEEN OUT FOR 11 YEARS HELL YEAH

HOW TF DO YOU SPELL ZIGGS BTW

OOOHHH THEYRE FAKE THAT MAKES SENSE OK NOT FAKE COMFIRMED BUT PROBABLY FAKE LETS HOPE DEB DIDNT ACTUALLY CHEAT

"WELL I WAS BORN IN 1989" HAHAHAHA

BECKY CLIMBED WHILE RUNNING FROM HER HUSBAND I FEEL LIKE THATS WHAT THATS ABOUT

OH GOODIE I GET TO WATCH THEM LATER IDK WHEN BUT AT LEAST IK SOMEDAY

BLINKY VS WIGGLY

OH CMON NICK I WANTED TO KNOW ;-;

THIS WAS SO NICE I MISSED THEM ;-;

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [6] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“What are you doing here?” Ash’s voice is hostile, and Roger waits with his snare in his arms, just around the corner of the building. He’s not following her, or at least, he didn’t mean to; he’s just packing up his drums, like he did after every show. Sure he was a bit earlier than usual but that didn’t mean anything.

“Sweet girl, I wanted to see you.” The voice is teasing, like she should have know this already, masculine, low, and it makes Roger nauseous. Finally he peers around the edge of the building and catches a better glimpse of the man from the bar, who is now standing less than a foot from a tense and confused Ash who leans against the door to the bar.

“You- why?” Already her voice has softened, but it seems he still makes her uncertain, if the tense set of her shoulders is anything to go by. But then the man’s reaching out, resting his hands on her upper arms. “You’re not mad at me?” She asks, relaxing under his touch, looking up at him with her big, brown eyes. Something in Roger’s gut twists at the sight.

“Of course not, baby girl.” He’s got her accent, Roger realises, and something in his chest tightens as the man places his hands on her shoulders coaxing her away from the door so he can wrap her up in a hug. Roger can see her trembling as she hugs him back, a soft confusion written all over face. “I’ve missed you.” He tells her, voice a murmur, but in the crisp, night air, it’s loud enough that even Roger hears.

“Why are you here, Gus?” Ash is the one who steps back, out of his grip, leaning back against the door. Roger can see her hands shake when she pulls half a cigarette from her breast pocket.

“I wanted to see you again, make sure you’re okay.” And the man, Gus, takes her hands, gently taking the cigarette stub and throwing it away before he laces his fingers with hers. She doesn’t even protest.

“And Kira?” She’d asked, voice so soft that Roger almost didn’t catch it, and the man in question shook his head with a smile as he leaned in, murmuring something that only she could hear, pressing kiss to her cheek.

“Oh, my sweet girl, you look so good.” He mused, voice growing a little louder, stepping back to admire her, and though Roger wants to gag at his tone, syrupy and full of obviously fake revere. Ash actually giggles, and not insincerely. “As beautiful as the day I met you.”

“You think so?” Voice uncharacteristically young and hopeful, it’s so unlike her that Roger’s pushed to the end of his patience, and rounds the corner with his drum in hand, not even acknowledging the pair as he heads for his van, though the way Ash jumps back from the man as if he’d burned her, it does little to ease the discomfort in Roger’s chest.

“Hi!” Suddenly flustered, Ash moves around Gus to stand between him and Roger. He’s not really sure why she’s bothered, there’s so much distance between the back door and the van, but he thinks it might be so that they look less suspicious. It’s not working.

“Hey.” Roger says, tone clipped as he says it, fumbling for his keys as he opens the back doors of the van.

“This is, uh, August.” She’s aware of how strange it sounds, how guilty her words come out, and when Roger’s sat his drum inside the van, he finally turns to get a good look at the man. The man with a hand on Ash’s shoulder, making direct, unflinching eye contact with Roger, smirking.

“August, this is Roger, he’s in the band.” There’s a waiver to her voice that Roger doesn’t like, and he can’t bring himself to smile at her. Everything feels so wrong, and Ash looks so guilty, like she’s been caught red handed.

He’s handsome by any definition, but not by Ash’s usual one. High cheek bones, hair gelled up into a neat quiff with a few sparing grey strands running through it that only served to make him look more distinguished, as did the dark, well groomed stubble on his jaw. He looks to be in his late 40s, in a pressed, well tailored suit, and shoes that Roger would consider too formal for even an explicitly formal event, so out of place in the dingy, pub setting. And his hand is still on Ash’s shoulder.

Roger doesn’t want to think about why it puts him on edge, just knows that it does. August takes long, deliberate strides before he reaches Roger, holding out his hand.

“August Reid.” His smile was sharp, and when Roger took his hand, he held it a little too tight, a show of dominance. “You guys played very well.” It’s the least sincere compliment Roger’s ever received; he wants nothing more than to punch August in his smug face.

“Roger.” After a beat, he leaned against the edge of the van, crossing his arms. “So how do you know Ash?”

“Ashley.” August correct automatically, and Roger can see the way Ash flinches out the corner of his eye, still looking a little mortified, avoiding looking at both of them. August doesn’t see it, his smile widens just a little bit, all sharp teeth. “I taught her back at Saint Andrew’s, I thought I’d stop in while I was in town.” 

“He was my Art History professor.” Ash confirms from behind him, and Roger freezes where he’s looking at her. He’s never seen her like this before, demure, shy; she’s always consciously made an effort to appear larger than life, to compensate for her size and sweet looks, but now she looks so young. She can’t even bring herself to meet his gaze, but he can tell she doesn’t know he saw their earlier exchange, if she did know, he thinks she probably wouldn’t be so honest about that.

“Oh,” is all Roger can say, before he snaps out of it, moving past where August is trying to be intimidating, up to Ash who’s leaning against the back door, “Rocket, can you move, I’m trying to pack up.” She doesn’t even fight him on it, tell he can walk around the front the same way as he got here. With the door opens, he hesitates, reaches out to touch her arm, and when she looks at him her expression is surprised as he tilts his head in a silent question, asking if she’s okay.

“What?” She snaps, frowning and shifting out of his grip, a spark of her old fire returning. Roger’s moment of softness receded with his eye roll and he lets the door slam closed behind him. Part of him knows that August was watching the exchange. By the time he’s pulled down the rest of his equipment and is ready to haul it out, Ash is behind the bar, cheery as ever, and August is nowhere to be found.

“I thought you were studying fashion.” Brian muses into the balmy night air. The band had stayed until last call, intrigued about the newcomer, waiting until Ash was taking out the trash for the night to ask her, the four of them chatting around the van, Mary looking quite tired and leaning against Freddie, but enjoying their company..

“I am.” Ash agreed, seemingly back to her old self now that August had left, grinning like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “This isn’t my first go at uni.” She admitted, and Freddie nodded, passing Mary his lit cigarette.

“I thought he was a talent scout or something; he’s well dressed.” Brian half smiled, and Ash chuckled, shaking her head at him, smile bright. "What was his name?” He asked, and Ash looked a little shocked, looking to Roger, who was suddenly avoiding her gaze.

“Rog didn’t tell you guys?” She asked, smile fading a little into confusion, and Roger snorted out a laugh.

“Told them he seemed like a prick.” He scoffed around his cigarette, and Ash flushed, frowning at him.

“Oi, don’t be mean, Rog! It’s just how he is, he’s always been a bit of a-” and for the barest moments they lock eyes and Ash turns a hilarious shade of pink, they both somehow know what she was about to say, he’s always been a bit of a dominant one, but she can’t bring herself to say those words out loud. She doesn’t want to say it for how it would sound, how it would make the others suspicious, but she knows Roger already is, even if she doesn’t know the full extent; it would be funny if the implication didn’t make Roger’s stomach turn, “a bit of an alpha male, you know.” After a beat, she clears her throat. “But yeah, Doctor Reid is my old Art History professor.”

It doesn’t escape Roger the way she doesn’t say his first name.

“What made you change your mind?” Mary yawns, passing the cigarette back to Freddie, and Ash fixes her with a fond smile. Since Freddie had introduced the women, they’d become fast friends, and Roger had never seen anyone as ready to fight as Ash when the dudes start leering at Mary.

“This was the only place that I could do what I wanted to.” And it sounds so honest that Roger’s tempted to believe it, if not for the memory that surfaces.

It’s her, a few months ago, bathed in moonlight, her head on his chest and his arm around her, ‘I was kicked out of uni once before, you know?’ her voice is thoughtful and he laughs, a little incredulous, asks how, but she’s grinning at him with that wicked smile of hers, and does a good enough job of distracting him that he doesn’t even realise she doesn’t give an answer.

“I’m surprised you even remember his last name,” Freddie laughs, “she couldn’t name a single lecturer on our timetable this semester.” And the others laugh, but Ash just rolls her eyes.

“I don’t want to know their names, it’s not like we’re gonna be friends,” but she does concede after she turns to head inside, “Doctor Reid is a friend of my dad’s, I’ve known him since I was sixteen.” And she smiles so blithely it somehow takes some of the shock out of her statement for Roger, who chokes on the smoke of his cigarette. 

“How did he know you were here?” John’s question cuts through Roger’s spluttering, and Ash stops in her tracks.

“What?” She asked, suddenly confused, a little defensive, as she turns back.

“How did he know you’d be here?” He asks again, so calm and unflinching, not looking away from the sudden flicker of doubt that cross Ash’s face.

“It was coincidence, Deaky; just luck is all.” She says, but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She heads back inside. 

The next time they play there, he’s back, and Ash is a sweet, flustered mess, and the dichotomy of this, and who Roger knows her as, is a little shocking. Even Maureen seems concerned, though she doesn’t say anything.

“He’s too old for you.” Roger makes it out the back before Ash does during her usual post-gig break. August went home halfway through the night, and Ash had returned to her normal bright, if a little sultry, bar-persona.

“Excuse me?” She snapped as the door slammed closed, and she looked to where Roger was sitting on her usual milk crate.

“You heard me.” Roger responded, something easing in his chest at the comfort of hearing the hostility in her voice that she’d used when they’d first met. It also hurts a little, to think how he’d prefer the hostility to the cute, blushy mess that August brings out in her. “I saw how he looked at you.” 

“Watch your accusations.” She snapped, but there was actual anger in her words, which surprised Roger. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She growled, and it was cold hostility; it wouldn’t lead anywhere fun, and Roger didn’t know how to face this. “I’m an adult, dickhead, so don’t think I can’t make my own decisions.” And her accent’s a little stronger, but her words take a moment to process. “He’s a friend-”

“He calls you baby.” 

That shocks her into silence, and after a moment, a cruel, cold smile spread over her face. They both know, now, that Roger knows exactly what’s going on between her and August. He’d never been good at anything apart from blurting out exactly what was bothering him, and this time was no different.

“Are you jealous? Were you eavesdropping on us? What the fuck?” And there’s no warmth in her harsh laughter. “This is why I don’t do casual.” She spits, and Roger’s whole face lights up with shock, and he barks out a laugh.

“Jealous? Oh Ashley,” and when he says it, she flinches again, and he regrets using the name almost immediately, but he can’t help digging himself deeper, “no, I’m just interested in what a goddamn doctor, who’s almost fifty, mind you, is doing being interested in a girl like you.” 

He watches as she actually has to take a step back, her mouth falling open in shock, eyes suddenly shiny with tears, and he knows he’s fucked up.

“A girl like me...” She whispers it with a laugh, smiling sadly, before finally meeting his gaze. “He... he likes me, Roger.” And fuck, she sounds so vulnerable it’s like a punch to the gut. “After everything I’ve done, he fucking likes me.” And after a beat, she stepped forward. “He still thinks I’m good, and that’s all that matters.”

She cuts her own break short, slamming the door as she heads back inside, leaving Roger to the silence of the car park.

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