#but the doc said to give it a try
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//Sorry if I've been inactive. Turns out what I thought was adhd ended up being unresolved depression so I got put on antidepressants for the first time in EIGHT YEARS
It's very much been making me nauseous ever since Tuesday so I'm sipping a lot of Sprite to help the queasiness go away.
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hiiiiiii (^o^)
rosy pt 3 will be posted SOON‼️ maybe tomorrow or thurs/fri idk. definitely by the end of this week. keep ur eyes peeled. (^ー^)
#i wasnt able to finish pt 4 yet but oh wells.#literally every time i try to finish it i write like one sentence and then close the doc. i cant#but slow progress is progress?? one sentence per day lads LMAO#anyway ya#pls dont have any expectations. pls. pls. pls. if theres a single expectation ill probably asphyxiate and die#jk ofc#but#yeah#ITS NOT GOODM. OKAY. GO INTO IT THINKIKG ITS NOT GOOD#ive sat on it for momths bc its not good#ok? thank u#aynway since i love giving life updates in buried tags my last midterm is tmrw. everyone cheered#and#omg yall the exam i said i bombed i SOMEHOW?? got like a 70. WHATTTT?!?#like thats not amazing but i was literally expecting a sub 50 or smth this is a miracle#anhway#im so happay. i wanted to share. yipee#i have hope for passing this class. graduation is in reach#life is not a disaster#ok yeah i'm planning on doing a final proofread of pt 3 tmr after my exam. im not *too* worried for yhis one but that might be my hubris#its math. blehg#OK GOODNIGHT#.txt
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mann im going to get my blood reports tomorrow and im lwk scared
#mostly it's fine but i looked up this medicine the doc prescribrd me and she said it's for weight loss#but i looked it up and everywhere it said it's for type 2 diabetes#to control blood sugar levels when it's so wildly out of control that nothing is fixing it#why would she give me that??? i mean im obviously gonna ask but tab tak ki anxiety bhai#i have barely processed the fact that pcod is a chronic illness which means im going to have it forever im mostly avoiding thinking about#it cause it feels too big and unbearable#diabetes would be fucking wild man im 21 years old#i am doing so terrible in not turning out to be like my dad lol i want to cry#i just hate hate hate this so much#like i was trying really fucking hard but depression wasn't getting fixed and i kept eating sleeping being in bed all day#like how can one illness cause another be frr man give me a break 😭#and i cannot even officially say depression i just sorta googled thr symptoms and relate to them most days but not everyday#so like#what is all this for#ugh goodnight i hope i wake up and it's all alright#i don't want to be a calorie counting sweet avoiding freak i love chocolate
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there's really a unique flavor to the fear of seeking medical help because you're anxious the doctor won't believe you or think you're lying 💀
#life#hmm maybe i do have some trauma in the healthcare department who knows#it's just been exhausting living with pain and some doctors literally giving up after their first hypothesis doesn't check out#like my stomach (and esp duodenal) pain has been really impacting my life in the past couple of years#and my current doc hasn't even referred me to a gastroenterologist#or suggested an endoscopy#which is like.. standard for someone with a history of ulcers and gastritis#he instead focused solely on the lower abdomen#and sent me to do xrays and ultrasounds that showed sweet fuck all of course#even the ultrasound lady was surprised i was there#but yeah nah#when i phoned to ask about further tests or treatment the nurse literally said#“well the tests didn’t show anything wrong so i don't see the problem”#gah i'm just so tired because all those experiences just put me off trying#and it's just a hopeless feeling#it's like no one is listening no one cares about my pain
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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fuck, I hate telehealth, but ya know, I think I’d actually like it if it was in minecraft instead of a video call. Let’s do therapy in roblox or something.
#having a relationship with your therapist is unethical… but what about running a dungeon together in world of warcraft??#today we’re going to talk about my abandonment issues while we build a mountain base in minecraft together#shit… I was just joking but this is actually sounding kinda rad#but wowwee do I hate telehealth#I hate professional video calls#I always feel like I’m saying the wrong things or I’m not talking enough#my last psych appointment was telehealth and it suuuuuuucked#oh man I don’t even know if I ever posted about this#it just felt so awkward and I was always worried someone could hear me on the call through the apartment walls#and he was like basically ‘just try to think positive’#fuck you fuck you fuck you and also think about my butthole and fuck you#thanks for the meds but never say that shit to me again#like… my therapist is a cool guy. I ‘love him. or as much as you can love your doctor in a distant platonic way#he’s always so cool about ‘yeah your chemicals are all messed up’ and he’s doesn’t shut me down at least not without actually understanding#but my psych who works in the same office does telehealth and seems very distant and not great at talking about deeper issues#which is fine. really. I just needed a doc who’d give me a fair shake and help me with the medication side#but I have to do telehealth for him and it feels so awkward and shallow#can’t we just do a 5 minute phone call? ‘hello. can we up the dose of my meds? yes? okay thank you.’#I see you typing on your computer a lot. I’m not saying anything interesting. if you’re on neopets just say so#anyway I only thought about this bc I guess I COULD do telehealth therapy today or something#but like I said. telehealth feels awkward and I wouldn’t be able to open up over it#it’s cool tho for like… I dunno. people who can’t go in person or need quick visits or whatever#I’m not saying it’s not useful or a viable option. I personally just hate phone calls and video calls.#and I love video games bro 😎#and I love you#goodbye forever#text
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which was more culturally significant, the renaissance or hermitgang
#it all started when grian touched my redstone he played himself like a xylophone set on automatic doc monster is a savage with technical#skills and crazy vocal acrobatics i’m a legend of the nho with etho beef and double o docmc is coming for you seven fold i got rendog and#other firemen to douce the flames that you shoot at this leviathan iskall can try again you think i’m in hiding i’m just biding my time#putting pen to paper coming up with rhymes were the star studded group got together just to crush you once we start something you know were#going to see it through i’m the knight the soldier who brings the fight at first light y’all had to incite so now i gotta indict you’re#guilty of getting murdered with words y’all are outgunned go home nerds hermitgangx16 if you think you can stop the symmetry that’s false#gteam is dialling for help but i’m in ignoring their calls and when their bodies dissolve you know that false’s on a killing spree try to#stop my pvp and perish painfully i’m the queen of hearts heads and body parts your diamond armour can’t compare to my martial arts i’ll#send a poison dart to make you breath your final breath gteams name will be the only thing left caffeinated animated redstone innovator my#behaviour’s crazy can’t phase me impulse is never lazy tango why would you betray now my scope is aiming better run from cover from all the#ghast balls that i be taming without a sound without no hesitation my creations are amazing better watch your step or the gteam will end up#blazing whos the better team there is no controversy but before it’s said and done y’all be begging us for mercy hermitgangx16 x gone give#it to ya i’m gone give it to ya x gone give it to ya what lyrical boxing dropping blows on all my foes and the gteam they’re looking#unclean needing some sunscreen burnt by words this herd of nerds it’s ubsurd how my rhymes got them injured danger danger i got lasers to#cut them up like razors it’s flexing season and i got flavour their weak defenses like trenches and fences that these dense heads are#presenting they’re presenting them alright they’re not very good i could walk over them i could jump over them i could use an ender pearl i#could use my elytra come one gteam geez hermitgangx16 now i’m back and i got some things i wanna say what’s the letter that starts the#alphabet a ladies get it line the diggity be on the way cleo don’t know who she freaking with all the signs say to notify her next of kin#this digitty dog be dropping bombs nothing but hits spit that line again brrr cause the message is i could mumble rap and still be the best#there is hermitgangx16 oh you wanted me to do a verse i’ll have to check with gteam i mean i’ll have to check my schedule to see if i can#see if i’m able to do that sort of thing busy guy lots of things to do oh do averse bananas do a verse bananas i just don’t know if it’s a#good idea for me to a part of this song really#i just typed all of that out from memory im a little bit insane i think
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my parents want my little brother, who has had a fever no lower than 100 F for the past 2-3 days, to go to school tomorrow
#status update#i'm gonna try and tell them why that's stupid#they took him to the doctor but the doc just said he had a cold#well I'm concerned with how badly his body is fighting it off!!!#plus they didn't give him any medicine all day#i gave him some before I left for work and after I got home#his fever is still 102#i don't understand their thought process whatsoever#like yeah school is imoortant but so is#A: not spreading illness!!!!!!#B: actually being able to focus in class because you feel good and not like shit#he even said that he'll probably be sent home anyway BECAUSE HE'S SICK#the issue I think is mainly he doesn't have a lot of symptoms#he said his throat felt “gummy” which no one - not even himself - can make heads or tails of#his stomach hurts and he threw up pretty recently#and his vision dimmed a few times but my mom doesn't really believe that one#I tried looking up the symptoms but it just said “eat a turkey sandwich” so thanks for that google#I don't know#i'm just worried about him#and I think it's stupid my parents want him to go to school when even by their standards he has such a bad fever#by the standards bit I mean they consider 100 F to be “low grade” even though 104 is danger territory#and that's just a hop skip and a jump away#AND ALSO HE IS LITERALLY ON THE PRECIPICE OF THAT RIGHT NOW#AND THEY DIDNT GIVE HIM ANY TYLENOL#he was home all day what did they even do#they also didn't give him medicine yesterday until I got home from my ap test#OKAY I'm done ranting I'll be here all night if I keep it up
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HELP I am feeling the rising urge to write a humanized Cars fic set in Ye Olden Days where Strip Weathers is an actual king and Lightning is the only child of a matriarchal dynasty so he got the title of queen instead and they race on horses and Doc Hudson and Sheriff are married and Strip is married to Lynda but also dating Tex and...what was I saying? CARS BUT HORSE
#I do not have time to write this fic!!!#but it won't leave the background of my brain!!!#lightning McQueen but queen is now a permanent resident!!!#ACK#cars#pixar#disney#lightning mcqueen#strip weathers#tex dinoco#Lynda weathers#not even gonna try giving the polycule a name it will hurt my brain#I looked at their names and my self-preservation instincts said no hunny you can't do that#doc hudson#sheriff#sherdoc#cars but horse#fic
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Have you thought about drawing AU versions for Liko and other Horizons characters?
(And to whoever left that last ask I do like the idea of Nessa x Misty:)
Nah. I haven't watched the new anime yet so I have no strong feelings for those kiddos. But more than that, I don't see any reason for them to meet Ash's gang.
None of the HZ kiddos have similar interests to anyone from the Ashnime, they don't have goals that could align with other folk's and allow any reasonable encounters so.. yeah. Unless the anime gives them something to do unrelated to Lucius in the upcoming years, nah, don't see myself touching any of the HZs original characters.
#answered asks#|→ not not#and like I said in the google docs#the only things im adding from gen9 onwards is new mons#nothing plot related and if charas appear they will likely be one offs. same apply for hz and whatever will come after that#AT MOST i may take some inspo from whatever happens in PLZA that i feel fits my AU#but for most things#nope#i dont like terrastral as a gimmick so im not giving anyone that#and i dont see why stress myself adding more and more and try to fix my au to fit in stuff from newer games#like. im not TPC. i have no reason to promote the games nor any shit like that#im here to tell a story /I/ want to hear
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My doctor messaging me at 12:30 in the morning to tell me she wants to do a telehealth visit abt the side effects I'm having with my new Lamotrigine dose (including worse insomnia than my usual insomnia, as u may have guessed lmao) is. something.
#text post#like i know why i am awake babe why are YOU awake this late#and god why do we have to do another visit#they aren't bad enough to make me stop this dose and i haven't been on the new dose long enough to let it even out#can i not just Not have to do another uncomfortable visit where even if things turn out okay after#i later feel like I'm still not being wholly trusted/treated like i know my body and how i feel#i had worse side effects restarting this med months ago and we didn't have any additional visits for that#they fucking forgot to even book me for a f/u and i had to call in and beg for one basically#and then they misbooked it for the wrong reason and with the wrong doctor#and made it out like it was my fault when i made clear i begged and told the receptionist i spoke to to book said appt#that it needed to b with my doc for the Lamotrigine and that i hadn't been told when to follow up so i was just. doing it#bc she said i needed to but then didn't say when to book it#they're trying hard and im trying to give them grace but then this shit happens and like#im tired. makes me want to go into my new doc like nah never mind im fine. don't ask me nothing and i won't bug you with anything#unless im dying or nearly dead already.#would suck beyond believe attempting to raw dog life mostly again but goddamn. im so sick of this lack of stability with my care#anyway. probably an appt next Tuesday which is great#that's the week of the weekend that i work again and the week before my bday#(a bday I'll be working now which I'm not normally irked abt but. i am a bit rn)#so cool. yeah. let's stack anxiety and fear over a medical appt on top of everything else for that week#and that's not counting that this weekend I've been tasked with buying and getting signed a v expensive and rare figure#for my mum's bf and I'm kind of terrified im gonna fuck it up#he paid for tickets to the con the figure will be sold at and that the person he wants to sign it will be at#so if i fuck this up he'll want (understandably) to be paid back asap for that#and that's money i don't fucking have rn#i really wish she had waited till the actual day proper to contact me bc i couldn't sleep before this#and now i definitely cant bc like#it's dumb. but what if she takes my med away. it isn't perfect but it works better than any other med I've tried#what if she wants me to try a new one. i cant do that and b dealing with major side effects during the intense work schedule#that'll be happening for me v soon and then into November
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Thinking abt how last night on the heavn Hayley shoot post someone commented 'blink twice if gerard's next' and they liked it.... Maybe there's a pie in that bush after all...
#Can't stop thinking abt it.... I need smth good rn#Yesterday was such a shitshow I can't even write it in the tags but I could only#Try to submit my thesis at night bc my mentor wouldn't stop telling me to make changes#Then I needed to sign smth and the online govt thing to sign papers kept giving me error for over 2h#Everytime I tried then my docs wouldn't even upload on the page so I couldn't submit them#And I ended up sending an email to academic services after waiting 10+ min for the docs to load 3 min b4 the day ended#So I hope they don't fuck me over now I even tried on dif laptops and browsers restarting the laptop etc... Such a shitshow cried so bad LO#Wow anna said something#Anna's shitposts#And that's just the night part !!! I was also almost a week barely sleeping didn't sleep at all yesterday and on my period with mega cramps
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Loud complaining
I do Not want to go to work >:(
#but then if I don't I'll either sleep all day or ill just be thinking about my gran#she's getting a kidney removed today. which like. she'll be okay. she will.#but i am worried about how she can't have a blood transfusion (her religion says so)#when i was a baby (mega dying) she even said to my mum to not let the docs give me one cs then she could come back to the truth :/#obvs mum ignored her or i wouldn't be here now#but that was 27 years ago#today we're thinking about she's having a scary op with nm medical backup basically#or. trying not to think about that. trying to send good thoughts.
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Do you know what happened to the others? (Besides Marvin, of course.)
some were brutally murdered before they could jump out a broken window. others might have escaped, but will never escape how screwed up Showfall left them. there is no happiness to be seen here, past the smoke and mirrors.
#generation loss#showfall camera operator#showfall ask blog#showfall media#ask blog#showfall dp devon#((everyone is fine dont worry))#((we kinda had a small situation a bit ago))#((there was a little kid too young for tumblr on the communications doc we made during the whole grand escape to avoid ruining each others)#plans so if this ask is for out of character thats whats up a kid was messing around on our doc and got a bit upset once we asked their age#we made a new doc and blocked the kids tumblr because there isnt much else we can do besides not engage when they try to get us to interact#((for context when we asked they said theyre in the single digits and it made a lot of sense from the way they typed and acted on the doc))#((thats the basic explanation i can give for that without getting too into specifics))#((but yeah everyone is fine dont worry if theres someone going around saying the ask blogs are gone))
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my manager has kids:(😕 but i have a new resident doctor crush soooo;)😳
#i knew i didn’t stand a chance !!!!!#also i saw my first pediatric cardiac arrest today#i was okay during the code i was glad i could be helpful i just gave out flushes lol#they didn’t make it but i had a feeling that was gonna be the outcome cuz they were already in rigor mortis when they got to us#the doctor leading the code was the one i’ve recently started talking to more n he’s like rlly friendly w everyone#i wish i knew the difference between someone being nice to me and flirting w me lol#anyways he did really good leading the code as well as the other doctors doing their best n everyone else#he wanted to hold a debriefing w everyone afterwards but i stayed back to clean up the room so when mom say her baby it#wouldn’t be as traumatizing w all the blood snd gastric contents soaked towels and garbage EVERYWHERE#i wish they’d stopped the code sooner the doctor leading the code was the first to point out the baby was in rigor right at the beginning#but obviously cuz it’s a peds case they wanna do everything they can and he literally did EVERYTHING all the code meds u could possibly orde#this stupid lady next to me who had no idea what she was talking abt was like ‘wait i think i see something on the monitor’ n im like bitch?#the baby was literally PEA they’re in fcking rigor mortis stop trying to prolong this horribly aggressive mess just let it end peacefully#baby was asystole throughout the entire code..they couldn’t even intubate him cuz his jaw was clenched so tight#anyways right after everyone agreed w the leading doctor to end it the doc like put both hands on the bed and kinda#bowed his head but i saw the pained look on his face i hope he didn’t blame himself i mean he knew from the start the baby was in rigor and#he asked everyone to give the baby a moment at the end of the code#that’s when they were all gonna go debrief but i stayed behind#anyways my supervisors were asking me if i was ok n i was like yeah bc the baby looked so much more at peace when we readied the room formom#then later the leading code doctor found me and asked if i was okay and i said was fine..i felt better knowing he was already gone before#he got to the hospital and was in literal rigor mortis with a rectal temp of 94 deg F#but i didn’t want to seem too heartless bc i could tell the code had upset him and he was talking in a more quietly#concercdndd voice like he’s usually always loud and joking around like me so :( and the fact that he stopped to talk w me privately n was#genuinely wanting to know if i was okay made me ;-; cuz im not used to being comforted?? or having my emotions validated#i was like ‘yeah im fine now haha it might all hit me later when im driving home alone at the end of the shift lol’#n he gave me a pat on the shoulder n said i did a good job ;—;#ngl i always thought he was kinda cute but i only just started talking n working w him on pts tuesday n i think he likes me????#idk bc he’s friendly n easy to get along w everyone AS AM I but idk we talked 1-1 before n i got a Vibe 😳 from him#but anyways then i got home n had pasta n talked to my fam abt my day and told them i had my first peds cardiac arrest#then all of a sudden something in me switch??i felt myself stiffen n my eyes started watering so i went to my room n ended up crying 4 20min
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AHH THE PAIN THE PAINNN(I’m being partially dramatic)
#hi y’all back to ranting in the tags because writing here makes me feel like it’s hidden even if it isn’t#anyway one of my friends got into the Pedro fandom and I’ve been sending her some of my fave acting scenes he’s done in his various roles#I’ve also been sending her edits and stuff and just screaming about how cool tlou is#and then a stupid part of my brain hit me with this big ol guilt when she was asking about the kingsman movies because she knows i have a#lot of opinions on them#and I was showing her clips and she said she likes how he plays the character but won’t watch the movie and just watch the tik tok edits of#him which totally understandable i have issues with second movie and I didn’t have the heart to tell her he dies in the movie so I let her#just live in bliss but man there was a little voice in my brain telling me i abandoned my stupid cowboy and like!!! that’s just so dumb#I HAVENT WRITTEN FOR HIM SINCE LIKE OCTOBER THAT IS NOT ABANDONMENT!#>:( stupid brain making me feel guilty about not being able to write even though i want to write like so freaking bad BUT I HAVE NO TIME OR#CONFIDENCE SO ITS JUST MAKING ME STEW ANGRILY IN THE CORNER#like i have so so so many thoughts but I have no time to write and my confidence in my skills is next to none now and I’m just not enjoying#myself! which sucks because i love writing but anytime i write stuff in like a moments notice I say the absolute rudest shit imaginable and#i just sorta give up!#sighhhhhhhhhhh#i don’t know how to make if fun anymore because the thoughts in my brain or fun but when I try to transfer that to writing on a doc i beat#myself up. so it’s like a purgatory! goddddd 😑#my humblest apologies to those who read this word vomit it’s just been thoughts that have been stuck in my head since… may? or maybe more#tbh#Celeste speaks#shit happens i know. i just kinda need to be like hey I’m confident in what I do…without like immediately saying something mean to myself…
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