#but the PC who joined later than me is getting a ton of shit

[beeribas]

I'm in this weird state of being both over and under stimulated and it's wild. Like, I should be paying attention to my D&D session rn, and I partially am, but I am also out of it and need to fidget and claw my skin off at the same time.

[its-a-me-disaster]

The most recent episode put something in perspective for me that had been percolating for a while: the Mighty Nein make a lot of friends, but have few allies whereas Vox Machina made mostly enemies, but had tons of allies.

Because of the recent teleporting around looking for allies in the fight by the M9, I’ve been thinking a lot about people they could ask for help from in a fight. It’s a fairly short list that spans Essek, Allura, Yussa, Dairon, Dagen, and Pumat. Of that list, 2 said no but gave them supplies, one of them is currently about to start a new mission (and wasn’t asked), Pumat wasn’t asked, Dagen just stopped following them around and tends to hide rather than fight, and then Essek who will likely join them. I left people off the list like Reani and Keg because guest pc’s tend not to get thrown into danger without the guest around.

But the Mighty Nein’s go to strategy is befriending first and fighting as a last resort, so why don’t they have more allies? It’s this weird situation where they’ve been too good at staying independent and not choosing sides. They could ask the Dynasty or the Empire, or even the Cobalt Soul for extra bodies and allies to fight with them, but that would involve either a) complex international politics that they just got settled or b) picking one side to back more heavily than the others. The Nein have been so successful at befriending everyone and staying away from declaring allegiance that they are left with a whole lot of friends, but very few allies in their endeavors. The Nein have so many friends across the continent and are expanding across the world, but because they’ve avoided becoming heroes of one place or another, they are largely on their own. Which means they can pick and choose whatever path they desire, but they won’t get much assistance from anyone.

They could have been heroes of the Empire very early on in the campaign by signing up for the war. But they said no and kept moving. They could have been even closer with the Gentleman and become part of the Myriad, but they did a couple jobs then got out of dodge again. They could have became proper pirates and allied with Darktow, but instead they blew up some boats and got banished less than a day after getting there. They accidentally became heroes in the Dynasty, but instead of going with it, they chased after Obann, and then lost Yasha. They then accidentally became heroes in the Empire after destroying Obann, and decided instead of allying with them, to broker peace between the two nations. Then they worked with Vess and the assembly, until she got murdered by Lucian. Instead of telling anyone or asking for help, they ran away into the frozen tundra looking for the Tomb Takers. They briefly allied with Lucian, before realizing how catastrophic his plans sound, and turned on him too (after he turned on them first). Over and over Matt has presented them opportunities to join up with people, and the Nein have responded with “nah we’re gonna do our own thing, thanks!”

In contrast, Vox Machina tended to piss everybody off. From random shopkeepers to members of councils and ancient Lich kings who are trying to become gods, VM had few friends. Cassandra, Allura and Kima, Gilmore, Tarry (though he’s part of VM so I don’t think that counts)... and that’s mostly it. Jarrett, maybe. But they put themselves at the forefront of the issues they cared about, and loudly declared themselves on the side of the Sovereign/Council and later against the Conclave and Vecna. VM was comprised of political leaders and as a group had enough political power to mobilize the armies of multiple nations/city-states against Thordak and lead war-councils in Whitestone and Vasselheim on separate occasions. Matt had to play against himself with friendly npcs all the time in Campaign 1, at one point having Gilmore, Kima, Jarrett, and Raishan all in the Thordak fight. If Vox Machina asked, people followed them into battle because they had established themselves as allies and embraced it, calling on others and accepting the political power and responsibilities that that meant. M9 said miss me with that shit.

TLDR: the Nein are so avoidant of allegiance they have many friends but few allies they can call to battle.

[marvel-download-tutorial]

How to Download Marvel comics for free!

I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while especially since we’re all stick inside but last week Marvel made the shitty decision to transition various print titles to digital only, meaning they’re directly taking revenue away from local shops rather than delay the titles, so since Marvel thinks digital comics is such a cool idea I’m gonna show you how to download as many as you’d like! (oh also this is for windows only, idk how to do it if you own a mac but also you’re rich anyways so who cares buy the comics richie)

I don’t want to take money away from the people that need it, not the actual companies of Marvel and DC fuck them they’re dying and they deserve it, but for my own rationalizing I want to take a minute to plug the Hero Initiative, basically what it is an organization that provides for comic creators that are having hard times, comics are a rough industry and you don’t get into it to get rich, I won’t go into it too much you can read for yourself but it’s been endorsed by Stan Lee, Justin Ponsor, Mike Grell, Skottie Young, Rags Morales, a lot of big names, so I’d ask if you do follow this guide and download some comics for free please consider donating to the Hero Initiative (they also sell autographed prints and you can commission some really famous artists)

anyways onto the good stuff! I’m going to be doing a fairly brief but easy to follow guide, there will be links at the bottom of the post so look for those, I’ll probably be making a few other posts with some more info so also check back for those if my blog is still here

What do I need?

You’re going to need 4 basic things if you want to do this as easily and safely as you can 

1) a good anti-virus

2) anonymous web browser (Tor)

4) a safe and reliable source for the comics

4) a torrent program to download the comics

Also optional: VPN

Anti-Virus 

it’s good to remember when torrenting that no one is your friend, everyone is out to trick you and no one cares, honestly you should also have a good anti-virus though, I’m not really gonna tell you which one you should have but Norton 360 is pretty good but say that in a room of CS majors is the quickest way to start a fist fight, honestly just google it, you’re gonna have to do some research, but really you’re good as long as you don’t go with Avast or Kaspersky, I’m going to go over typical tricks and traps later to ensure safety, this is just basic overall security thing

Anonymous Web Browser (Tor)

next we’re gonna download Tor (you can do this before getting a VPN, like I said either one is going to put you on a list but using one to cover you getting the other at least mitigates it lol) Tor is a great open source project that allows for basically complete anonymous web browsing, it’s a project dedicated to privacy and disruption of corporations ability to control every aspect of our lives, also a friend of mine bought K off silk road with it once in highschool, really not too much you need to know about it before using it, just download it, let it configure and you’re good, also use Duck Duck go that it comes with, don’t switch it to chrome or anything, Duck Duck go is anonymous search service which better lends to Tor’s protection

Where to get the torrents

Now this is really important because you can have everything else set up but without a safe reliable source none of this is gonna do any good, but this is the dangerous part, torrent sites are notorious traps (I bricked more than on family PC on limewire) and this is why I said earlier to remember these people are not your friends and are out to hurt you, don’t click banner ads, don’t believe pop ups, make sure your virus protection is on and it’s a very good idea to have an adblocker on, also look out for another post I’ll be making on what download buttons to trust for different popular torrent sites

when talking comics (and remember specifically only Marvel comics) there’s no other name out there than Nemesis43, he is a god and he’s going to be your new best friend, there are groups and sites out there that do comic scans that you have to pay to join or like apply to join, that shit’s dumb as hell and I’ve never used them once and I’ve got more comic than I can read in my lifetime, you don’t need em and you especially don’t need to give them money, donate to the Hero Initiative instead

Nemesis has moved around a bit in the past (if you remember the WWT debacle) right now the main site for him is ettv (there will be a link at the end of the post) sites a bit barren but he’s there, he also has a reddit he gives updates on very rarely, generally if he moves he adds where his new home is in a text doc in his recent uploads, I fully trust him and his uploads, he’s been doing this for years and I’d never have a second thought downloading from him, also because he uploads so much he’s often very highly rated and verified on whatever site he’s on

The second place I’d recommend is getcomic (again there will be a link at the end), now this is very important, never donate to them, they kinda suck, basically they’re plugged into a bunch of different scanner groups and just steal those scans and put them up and then ask for donations, basically they’re just an aggregate (Nem kinda is too but he doesn’t ask for donations and stuff), they usually use browser downloads which are a complete pain so I’d really recommend Nemesis over them but they do have TheComicGuy on torrent galaxy for larger files but that updates a lot less frequently then the main site, again I trust these guys (as long as you’re on the actual site) but don’t trust any banner ads or pop ups, also for downloading they give multiple options, a lot are very sketchy, just use the main server

also there’s other sites like readcomics or newcomics, never used em, don’t like em, use at your own behest 

On sites like ettv you’re gonna want to use the magnet, someone years ago told me it was safer and I just believed them and have always used em, not sure if it’s true but it’s worked so whatever, really you shouldn’t be too worried about this stuff and if you follow this guide you’re going to be way over prepared to download comics, really no one cares about comic torrenting, movies, video games, tv shows that’s the stuff people really get caught on, this is just nerd shit

I’m going to be making another post showing how to use these sites, and other sites comic can be found on so look back at my blog for that

Torrent program

This is pretty basic, just get utorrent, it’s what I’ve always used, it works, whatever, definitely look this up with a VPN on or on Tor, it’s simple to use, I’ll be doing a short tutorial on how to make it even safer

Lastly this one is optional but a pretty good idea, for more than just this

VPN aka Virtual Privacy Network

honestly you can get the anonymous web browser (Tor) or the VPN first, their both going to help cover you downloading the other and honestly both are going to put you on a list for googling them (which is why I suggest looking for someone who just already has the .exes ((I always keep them on a thumbdrive for when I have to reset one of my computers)), I might try to make a google drive with em but also I might not bc that sounds like work and I’m already typing all this up), anyways I’m not really gonna explain what a VPN is, there’s a lot of resources that can explain it better than I can but basically it masks what you do on the internet, there’s a lot of choices when picking a VPN but the big thing I looked for when choosing mine was 1) non-US based so it’s harder for US investigation agencies to request stuff for them or get anything from them 2) one that doesn’t keep logs, honestly they all do even if they say they don’t, but you wanna look for one that hasn’t turned over many logs to US agencies and 3) unlimited peer 2 peer connections which is complicated but basically means you can torrent stuff anonymously and with decent speed. Like Anti-Virus there are a ton of different VPN’s out there, you really have to do research because there are actual accounts of FBI agencies crating VPN’s telling people they’re anonymous when really they had direct access to all the info, I haven’t done any research but NordVPN seems kinda like one of these, really the more they advertise the more suspicious I am, Just google “best vpn 2020″ and look at like 5 lists and read the the stuff, personally I use IPvanish which unfortunately is US based and while it gave over logs in 2016 even thought they said they didn’t keep any but now they’re owned by a new company that super double promises they don’t (again who cares they all do) but they’ve allow P2P and use 256-bit AES encryption

I wanna take a second to mention that this isn’t going to be free, this is the only place you’re going to be spending money (besides donating to Heroe Initative of course), a good VPN is about $100 a year which all in all isn’t terrible, technically you can just get by on the anonymous browser but this gives you an extra layer of security to pretty much ensure you won’t get caught and plus in the ever worsening internet hell world a VPN is becoming more and more important, I’m sure you can find articles about it but yea you don’t technically need a VPN but it’s useful for more than just this

How to work it all

Ok so this is gonna be a little stream of consciousness, as this all kinda has been, so sorry but I’m gonna try and explain it as best I can and also feel free to ask any questions on this blog, I’ll check back eventually I’m sure

So first thing first, make sure you’re virus protection is on and you’re connected on your VPN if you’re using it (you can google “what is my IP” to double check it’s working) then load up Tor, let it load and connect up and whatever, then go to https://www.ettvdl.com/user/Nemesis43 (I’m just gonna show this with Nemesis43, maybe I’ll make another one for getcomics but that’s pretty straight forward, also nem is better)

now remember we’re only here for Marvel comics, so scroll past all those thousands of other comics this would work exactly the same for, I’m gonna go for Ant-Man #4 which was released on the 13 as a digital only comic despite the first three issues being physical copies and now sit on my shelf forever unfinished making me look like a complete penis

it may take a while but it’s going to look like this, click on the blue words, it’s gonna take you to a page that looks like this

now from here we’re going to get the magnet link, right click and select copy link address, I like doing this because it limits my interactions with the page, note the advertisement at the top telling me I need a VPN despite thinking I’m in Guadalajara (which for legal reasons I am)

just copy that and then go to utorrent and click the add link

it’ll open a little box, it should add the link automatically, if it doesn’t just hit ctrl+V

hit ok and it’ll load it up, it might need to download some metadata but after that it should be good, oh also it might bring up a window basically asking where you want to save it and what to name it, you can set all that up in preferences, I did so I just turned that window off and can’t be assed to turn it back on, just hit ok if you don’t wanna bother with that stuff, it’ll go into your downloads by default

and that’s it really, it’s that easy, I might make another thing talking about how to make utorrent more anonymous or whatever so look for that, but stock it’s fine, also when it’s finished downloading it’s gonna start seeding (like uploading to someone else) I’ve always been a scumbag and I never seed but Nemesis seeds stuff so much you really don’t need to anyways, just select it and hit the stop button (the black square on the tool bar)

here are all the links I could think of

Hero Initiative

download Tor

here’s a guide for VPNs

download utorrent

song I found recently that I like

getcomics

Nemesis

so yea that’s pretty much the basics, be smart, be safe, any viruses you get are on you but I hope you found this helpful and feel free to ask any questions

oh and also this is all parody and I’ve never actually torrented anything, I don’t even own a computer

[kermakatti]

I got tagged by @honestlyvan to name 10 of my favourite characters from 10 different things. I’ll be putting this under a Read More so that it doesn’t clutter my followers’ feeds, here we go:

1. Miles Tails Prower (Sonic the Hedgehog)

I have loved this two-tailed fox dude ever since I first played the Sonic & Knuckles Collection on PC as a kid. He baby. And also super intelligent, skillful and cute.

I also wish he got portrayed as more independent and capable sometime in the future since in a lot of later Sonic games he’s been reduced to being either a dude in distress or a reconnaissance staff member in cutscenes... Please give me a full playable Tails campaign again Sonic Team please I’m starving

2. K.K. Slider (Animal Crossing)

Dude’s mad talented, prolific and also very cute. Also basically a fursona for Kazumi Totaka who has done a ton of great and memorable music for Nintendo games and services like the Wii Shop Channel. 

I was always eagerly waiting for the next Saturday evening to hear him perform again back when I played Wild World on the Nintendo DS as a teen and that feeling has now returned to me through his appearance in New Horizons 💜

3. Kass (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

Another furry Nintendo musician character? I might have a type. I’ve loved Kass ever since I first saw him in some pre-release video clip that showcased Breath of the Wild’s NPCs (and changing weather types too I think?) and once I got the game myself I always became overjoyed when I heard him playing his accordion in the distance 🎵

But yeah, he is very talented, very handsome, very top-heavy and also a loving father of five little bird children

4. Xena (Xena: Warrior Princess)

I haven’t seen any episodes of Xena in ages but the show and the character both left a long-lasting impression on me as a child. She kicks ass, looks gorgeous and is gay. A role model or sorts I guess

5. Donald Duck (Disney comics and cartoons)

This man has issues but he is very relatable. Also mad cute at times. I read a ton of Finnish Donald Duck comics as a kid and I still enjoy them from time to time :3

Also The Three Caballeros OT3 5ever

6. Throttle (Biker Mice from Mars)

I sure wonder if watching this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-esque 90s cartoon show with topless muscular anthropomorphic alien mice wearing studded leather and shit as a kid had some kind of effect on me. Maybe it’s just pure coincidence that I’m a huge gay furry now. Who knows!

But yeah, I like Vinnie and Modo too but there was something about Throttle that really resonated with me. Maybe because he seemed like he was the wisest and the most reliable/dependable of the bunch?

7. Bowser (Super Mario)

Ah yes, the big bad turtle dad 💜 I like his portrayal in the main series but I REALLY like him in the RPGs where he appears as more of a goofball and joins Mario and the crew in order to defeat someone even more villainous than him. 

A good father. Handsome. Muscular. Chunky. Monstrous. Powerful.

8. Skeletor (He-Man)

Nyeehehehe! Here’s another beefy goofball villain that I really like! I’m super into his portrayal in the first animated series and how he gets more and more ridiculous until he’s a complete wuss in the infamous He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special

Though I do like some of the more sinister takes on him too, like the one in the early 2000s animated series!

9. Wolfrun (Smile PreCure!)

I think I just have a thing for villains who are useless goofballs but also charismatic and lovable as all hell. And who also make for good furbait

10. Scar (The Lion King)

Scar is a fascist asshole but I’ve had a crush on this gay goth lion uncle probably like since I first saw the movie as a kid in 1995 or whenever it came out on VHS

Also Jukka-Pekka Palo’s (who voices him in the Finnish dub of the movie) take on Elton John’s and Tim Rice’s Be Prepared still gives me the chills whenever I hear it

And that’s all! 

Honourable mentions go to Robin Hood from the 1973 Disney film and Wolf O’Donnell from Star Fox

And uhhhh does tagging people still work if the at symbols are all hidden under a Read More link version of the post?? Let’s try anyway. I tag @korppuhiiri and @rrosyan���

[jq37]

May we have a recap, please? :)

**spoilers for panic at the art show and home for the holidays**

OK people. I actually don’t have a ton of commentary on these two so I’m gonna try and keep it (relatively) short and sweet [Edit from Future Me: Failed Step 1].

Also, iirc, this is the week Dropout starts streaming new Fantasy High eps on Wednesdays which is very dope and I am very excited for. I probably won’t do full on recaps like I do for normal eps because, lbr, I don’t strictly have the time to be recapping these eps at all and it’s pure stubbornness that keeps me from making wiser time management decisions. But, rest assured, if I have an Opinion, you will hear it whether you want to or not. 

Anyway, on with the show. 

Last recap, I mentioned that this ep was giving me Aelwen house party vibes and now it reminds me of that ep in another way: Everyone rolled like TRASH almost the entire ep. It was so frustrating! They barely got any hits in until like halfway through the ep.

(Aw man, I just realized I’m gonna have to remember which spelling of Aelwen is correct again now that FH is coming back.)

I love how Murph is immediately like, “I need to make sure my wife doesn’t die during this fight avenging her fictional husband.”

Isabella also has Aelwen’s trick of poofing around the battlefield which is annoying as hell (ha) for the group.

Siobhan hilariously casts fear on Priya just to be spiteful. I thought she was doing it to help the evac process but no. It was a purely spiteful action. Bless. 

When Kug turns into an ape he, of course, turns into *the* NY ape, King Kong. 

“I roll a nat 20 on an epic shit.”

When Brennan was describing Kingston’s spectral New Yorker Guardians I was already thinking about that one part of Spiderman 2 (the OG Toby Mac version) and then he straight up said, “You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us,” and I lost it.

“Deny the stairs the pleasure of my feet.” Emily is a poet.

I want to know what makes a pigeon spicy more than anything. 

The fact that Brennan killed Ox AGAIN and then immediately looked into the camera and let the audience know the dog was fine because he clearly Oracle stared into the future between eps and saw the entire internet sharpening their pitchforks  was so funny. 

About midway through the ep, Pete tries and fails to send Isabella back to hell and Isabella starts monologing about her plans and connection with Robert Moses (she stole the list from Santa and is/was gonna marry Moses apparently). I wonder if Brennan was like, “These players are for sure gonna murder her without getting any useful info out of her unless she goes full Bond Villain right now.”

And, proving my point, Emily immediately does 56 points of damage, royally f-ing Isabella up. 

This is a really civilian heavy fight which feels weird in a way the FH fights never did. Like, these aren’t even civilians who live in an adventuring town in a fantasy world. These are just normal ass civilians in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Pete fails a wild magic roll after failing to teleport into the building and then gets a choice of getting really strong (which prob would have let him bust down the door) or to teleport in (which is what he does and exactly what he wanted). Very clutch when the dice rolls play into the story like that.

Kingston lightning bolts Isabella’s hair off which is just malicious but also totally called for.

On her next turn, Sophie gets hurt on purpose to get low enough to activate her ring, lets her hair burn for long enough to shorten it to a cute bob, insults Isabella, then knocks her tf out. 

I love that Emily took one of her teeth (a seemingly crazy move) and when called out by Lou was like, “It’s a link to Robert Moses” (a completely reasonable answer). That’s the Axford one-two punch.  

I didn’t mention it before but, Willie the golem is here, first immobile but then brought back by Misty. Post fight, he says he was somehow brought here by one of the evil factions of the city and says they’ll talk about it later. Also, Misty makes out with him (DON’T KINKSHAME HER).

With a high insight roll, Kingston is able to deduce that the group was ambushed (though not by Priya) and that their victory was a really important one for the fate of the city. 

(Sidenote: The amount that Pete is Over Priya in this ep is so funny.)

Back at Wally’s (which is where Kug is now staying) Wally has gotten Kug a dog bed to sleep in and fancy charcuterie cheese because he and Ricky are the only pure-hearted people in NYC. 

At the same time, Pete and Kingston have a very sweet heart to heart and then settle down at Kingston’s place to chill and listen to jazz. Idk how else we expected this to resolve, considering this is a Brennan Lee Mulligan DM’d show where the sacred pillars are Teamwork, Friendship, Communication, and Making up an NPC on the Fly Because One of Your PC’s Decided to do an Insane Thing. 

Next up is the Christmas ep and Brennan, Emily, and Zac are in sweaters for the occasion. 

Well,actually it’s the 21st and Emily immediately clocks that that’s the solstice. 

Are cookies the good carb?/Absolutely not. But have fun with your life. (I love Ricky’s soft jock energy.)

“I run deliveries,” Pete says to Kingston’s parents, not technically lying but also not being completely truthful. Misty would be proud. 

Going over to Misty, it seems pretty clear at this point (and it’s confirmed in the promo for next ep) that Misty’s fairy business is some kind of de-aging/reincarnation for herself. I wonder how many of these she’s done so far. She said she’s been around for, what? 200, 300 years? Assuming she’s been doing then reincarnations at about 65-70 years old and she reincarnates to around 25? Maybe 6 times? Idk. Just spitballing. 

Saucer of milk to keep the faeries from stealing her (non-existing) children. Faerie lore is wild y'all. 

Did you take another level of warlock?/Yeah bitch.

The fact that since Sophie has joined a monastery, she’s only taken Warlock levels and no Monk levels is very funny from a story perspective. It’s like, she finally comes to this sacred place to be trained to her full potential and she’s just spending what should be her sparring time playing with her cat in exchange for spells. Wild. 

Emily’s cat-like, self-satisfied grin when Brennan is like, “So you just jerry-rigged yourself clairvoyance powers, huh?” is so good. 

And she did it on the fly because Emily Axford is winning D&D. There are no points but she’s winning.

So, uh, Emily does, two things, very in character right after the other:

Thing number one: She send her unseen servant to spy on her family. Her dad seems hardline, “F, Dale. Whatever. Family first. She needs to get over it.” On the other side of the spectrum is her mom who is very upset about the whole affair with her siblings falling in the middle. 

The second thing she does, very casually I might add, is have her unseen servant BURN DOWN HER HOUSE SO SHE CAN COMMIT INSURANCE FRAUD.

EMILY

Everyone loses their minds and rightfully so. What a wild-ass swing that no one could have seen coming. I love it. 

“I look in my backpack which is now my home[…]" 

I almost forgot that Ricky was a fire fighter who would not abide that nonsense until Brennan decided to cut to him. 

Ricky just dolphin swims across the Hudson in 2.5 mins to go put out the fire that Sophie set. Amazing. 

Ally mocking Emily/Sophie: Truthfully, I don’t know what happened.

"I love John McClane, because he loves his wife.” WALLY

Wally: Oh we’re gonna tell a lie on Christmas.

“This is what winning looks like.”

I would really like to know what trace stuff what on the drugs Pete got from 7 but Ally rolled too low to figure it out.

“I disassociate fully." 

Well it took him a long ass time but glad to have Pete on the selling drugs to kids is bad train. Choo-choo, dude. 

7 saying you can hack in real life in reference to his AK-47 has the same energy as Hardison using the word hack in literally any semi-weird episode of Leverage. 

SOCIAL MEDIA IS VOLUNTARY PANOPTICON

So Kug goes with Wally to David’s house disguised as a dog and, despite that, blurts out that he’s his dad immediately. Well, he tries to. The Umbral Arcana stops him, unfortunately. 

"I lick my son’s face.” KUUUUG. 

Sophie showing up with a raw goose and hellish rebuking it is so metal and it’s a shame no one got to appreciate it. 

Me when Sophie’s Mom changes into black top in solidarity for Sophie’s mourning: F EVERY OTHER NON-SOPHIE BICICLETA. I RESPECT YOU. 

Kingston is hustling very hard to get his man Pete a job which is a very Kingston move. That’s how guys like that show affection. 

Didn’t mention it before but Kingston’s parents and Mom specifically adopting Pete is very cute. 

Sidenote: Idk what 7 was talking about Pete trying to stay low profile. He wears a cowboy hat (now a ZEBRA STRIPED one, courtesy of Kingston). I think the subtlety train has sailed my guy. 

Esther shows up at the firehouse, carrying presents for her mom and grandma and looking for Ricky. The says that she’s kinda dealing with something and it feels good to be around him (beat) magically speaking. Sure. I’m gonna keep my Hercules soundtrack on hand just in case anyway. 

I think Ricky is the only person who, with no pretense, could give his crush a sexy calendar featuring him.

Anyway, turns out Esther’s mom and grandma are the furies of Tompkins Square and she’s fated to join them or something. 

Esther causally: I defy you, I defy the prophecy.

The fury thing would explain why Esther’s mom would have cursed Kug. They are famously magical punishers.  

Ricky is a magically certified Good Boy but we been knew.

Zac’s restraint to respect Esther’s personal boundaries in lieu of getting a lore drop to stay true to Ricky’s character is amazing. Mad props.

So we slide over to Misty’s Christmas party which Stephen Sondhein is attending and him having a character card kinda killed me. 

There’s a post on tumblr somewhere about playing faerie  incapability for impoliteness against a vampires need to be invited in and that’s what I thought about when Moses and his vamp friends showed up at Misty’s house.

Robert tries to talk Misty into striking a deal with him for protection from Titania. She’s very much not having it.  

“You know Robert, I love a comedy and I love a farce. I’d like to remind you of who it is that started this and it’s not me and it’s not my friends but I can assure you Robert Moses that we will be the ones to end it if you do not. Do you understand me?” Damn. That’s a mic drop from Misty. 

[As I’m editing this, I’m realizing I somehow lost a BIG chunk of text. I’m not gonna write it all up again but the Cliffnotes are as follows:

Between the Solstice and Christmas, the gang goes Grand Central Station to see the clockwork gnomes that live there because trouble is apparently afoot. Some size changing nonsense happens and Pete shoots a dog (with mini bullets, the dog is fine). Lou is enchanted even though Kingston is not (a common theme with him). Ally and Emily are on the same nonsense wavelength (as usual). 

There are dope magical dragon trains under Grand Central Station that go to the shadow realm which is a place I’d like to know about. Kingston has never seen these trains before even though you’d really think he would have.  

Murph says Gnome Rights which is wild if you know what Naddpod is like. 

Anyway, the high priestess of the gnomes passed out the other day and they figure out it was due to pixie magic which is suspicious. They also know they pixies have access to a “time stone” which leads me to believe that it’s Brennan and not Aguefort who thinks that Chronomancy is the most powerful magic of all. 

Sophie and Jackson go to Dale’s grave on Christmas. Jackson explains that the Order of the Concrete Fist is basically a literal school of hard knocks. A counterbalance to all the reach for the stars dreaminess that comes with NYC.

Dale was their chosen one who was supposed to stop the monastery from falling when some unspecified badness crossed over to this side, but when he went to the place where he was supposed to get guidance, there was no one there (clearly tying in to what Dale said to Sophie last time they talked. I wonder what she needs to get to the top of? Empire State maybe?).

Watching Murph watching Emily, his real life spouse, play at grief for her fictional husband and do some truly insane things is so funny because you can clearly see him thinking, “I am married to this woman,” which, in fairness, is probably the main thing he’s thinking when he’s playing D&D with Emily.

I’m probably missing something but that’s all I remember. Back to post-Christmas!]

So it’s opening night at Misty’s show and, somehow, Ricky’s first show ever. 

I love that Don Confetti is there because of Siobhan’s offhanded comment for a handful of eps ago about him being a supporter of the arts.

Anyway, everything is going great until the second act when Titania busts in through the mirror which is *not* is storage as Misty requested but on stage. It’s a theater fight, y'all! And not the West Side Story kind although if that doesn’t come up I will be very surprised. 

“Let’s kill Titania!” –Misty in the promo

Just going straight to 11, huh Misty?

See y'all then!

[xingplytwelve]

5 years later

tbh idk who’s gonna read this, but it’s also the reason why I feel comfortable to express everything and anything here on tumblr. I can say a lot of crap, my unpopular opinions about exo, and all sorts of things. I’ve mentioned this before, I haven’t been on this space and also on my twitter for so long, that I’ve forgotten nearly all my tlist, and the reason for that was because I left the fandom in 2015. This is my backstory about my fan-girling days.

About 10 years ago, I was really into Kpop, but I couldn’t stick to just one band HAHA I’ve fan over boybands such as 2pm and b2st. I thought I’ll never be able to keep my eyes on just one band alone. But I was so wrong LOL.

In 2012, when I was 16, exo debuted. 

Seeing their teasers one by one, I felt that this boyband is special. Their concept is extraordinary, and not forgetting their signature ‘We are One’. And they really changed my life. I stanned these boys so hard, that I spent my time, my money, and simply my life just watching them from afar but I felt contented whenever they did little things. I always buy tons of the same albums, just so I can contribute more to the charts and also collecting ot12’s pc. I was really spending most of my pocket money on them. In that same year, they came to Singapore for smtown, but I wasn’t interested in other bands other than time, so I made the choice of not going. Little would I have known that that was the only chance I could get to see ot12 live on stage. 

Ok so after the MAMA era, they didn’t have any activities for so damn long, I think close to 1 year? Then wolf came out. But I recall rumours about kris leaving were spreading like wild fire, and of course I choose to believe in ot12 rather than the rumours. Then I have it, ot12 comeback. There was also this once when they said exo is having a joined concert in Singapore, and I didn’t wanted to miss the chance of seeing them again so I bought my ticket. But the company went bankrupt LOL fuck there goes my $200+. But at that point of time I rather throw my money into the sea rather than missing the chance to see ot12. 

And then, kris left. I remember I was still in school, sitting outside my classroom and trying to stop my tears from falling. During that period, ot12 was a very big part of my life and just imagine, when you love sth or someone so much, but now it’s gonna be different. Knowing that it’ll never be the same, how would you feel? And just like that, my world was falling apart. But eventually, I accepted that he’s not coming back. 

So in 2014, it was the lost planet in singapore. I was so excited, and I look forward to meeting the boys every single day. It was the 11 of them, but I had a really gr8 time still, though I know that I would be nothing but a blur in their vision. I still had my braces on that time as I took selfies with yixing’s fan made merch. LOL. I also recall after the concert ended, I felt so empty that I kept crying. Everyone else was leaving the venue, but I couldn’t bear to stand up and walk away because I cannot believe that it’s over. But later the year, luhan was leaving because of his health issues. I was sad, again. And shortly after, tao was leaving too. I was beyond broken, and hurting so bad. I just couldn’t accept that the ot12 that I’ve stanned, are now becoming ot9. 

In 2015, I was tired, and I couldn’t do it anymore. Even though yixing was still in exo, but everything felt different. I left the fandom in 2015 and I’ve never looked back in the past 5 years. 

2020, I’m now 24. Recently, I happened to come across what exo has been doing, and now that I’m looking at them from a different eye, I feel that they are really very talented in whatever they do. I don’t regret stanning them. I went to get back my social media accounts, twitter (@layonyixing), this space, my AFF. LOL. As I listened to EXO 2014, which was released in the year I chose to leave the fandom, everything just hits me again. That they hope fans can believe in them again even after breaking the promise of ‘We are One’. Yixing’s verse, especially, “不知什么时候起 微笑着你的样子不是你 若你的心不能再给我那样的爱 我还是会想起那些记忆 模糊得让我觉得可惜 一切会好的都会过去的 安慰已经不能够安慰我的心 因为我知道你有天会要离开” relates to me on so many level. I can literally feel what he is singing. Because I can never love him and ot9 the same, and that I chose to leave. I’m not the 16 year old anymore. I have to lead my own life, with a desk bound job, responsibilities, bills, and all other adult ing shit you can think of. Nonetheless, I’ll still watch him, and the rest, but I can never love them the same

[enchantment1385]

My most magnificent mega must (have) mods memo.

So, I’ve been putting this off (big surprise!), but the time has come! I am going to try and provide some recommendations of my favorite mods. Mods I will not play the game without, or mods I love so much, I can’t recommend them highly enough! Hopefully some of you will find a new excuse to play one of these games again! I will split the list up into games so you skip if you don’t play a certain game. Again, these are my personal recommendations, so please don’t get all bent out of shape over this people. I also won’t be adding the very amazing utility mods (such as SkyUI or mcm or mod organizers) as I feel these are required mods. Today's installment -  

~Skyrim~

VIGILANT  +  VIGILANT Voiced - English Addon Okay, where do I start with the amazingingness of the mod? It’s massive, compelling, scary (chapter 3 holy fucking shitballs, batman!), and just absolutely perfectly executed on every level horror mod! This is not a mod you complete in a couple of hours, this you need to put aside a day or 2 and go through all 5 chapters! 1 guy made this. 1 awesome japanese dovha, alas it’s not as adored as it should be as, when originally released, the english subtitles (literally translations from Google) didn’t really translate well... or at all at some points. Hence why you need the voiced addon which makes this mod a 15+ hour, fully awesomely voiced adventure to seek out daedra, and be physically, and morally tested by the one and only Daedric Prince of domination, Molag Bal. Your choices WILL affect the outcome. This mod gives you everything you want from a mod. New weapons, new armour, new enemies, dark soul like boss battles, new places, new people, new land. With Halloween quickly approaching, this is the perfect time to give this a shot! 

Legacy of the Dragonborn

I stayed away from this mod for SO long thinking it was just a massive oversize player home to put all your crap on display. I was wrong. I was SO wrong. This mod is the ultimate scavenger hunt turned up to 11. It adds some of the best mods out there and puts them all together to make you WANT to go find that bloody staff, or helm, because A, it now looks amazing, and B, there’s a place for EVERYTHING in the museum, it must be filled! It adds old relics, new quests, a very gorgeous fair sized player home, you get to go to Elsweyr, and even get an airship you CAN use later! And trust me when I say, there is nothing that looks quite as impressive as your dovah walking around a city with your massive ass airship looming overhead. The way everything gets placed into the world is fucking flawless, and if you’re bored or just want more out of Skyrim, this is the mod that does that, and WAY more. Also a massive bonus, it has several patches for other mods that didn’t get incorporated (vigilant being among them) to add extra wings for you to display the items from other mods! 

Interesting NPCs

Another mod I stupidly avoided to begin with. So as we know, vanilla followers are... meh. But now with all these new battles and exploring you have to do, you might want someone watching your back, right? Forget vanilla, time to go interesting! This mod adds -

• 250+ Voiced NPCs • 25+ Followers with Location Based Commentary • 15+ Marriage NPCs 

This mod makes Skyrim feel inhabited, but with REAL people. People who you can, should, and will want to talk to. The voice acting is just fantastic, the characters are an absolute joy, they fit into the world so perfectly you’d never know they weren’t there all along! Well... Except for the fact they’re actually interesting, and have more than 5 things to say! It also has something called ‘Super Followers’. These followers actually comment on what’s happening in your story. Just about to go kill your first dragon? They have something to say about it. Just joined the college of mages? Have a chat to see what they think! I can not express how much this will change your game, but 151% for the fucking better! Oh! And just in case you were running short on things to do, this also adds 50+ more quests! *(footnote) Pleaaassssee go to Soljund's Sinkhole and take Rumarin with you. What he says when you clear that place out has me laughing my ass off every time.

Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul

Are you tired of being the only one is Skyrim who actually seems to DO anything? Are you weirded out by the fact when you walk into an inn at 4am everyone is doing the same thing as they were at 2pm last week? Confused as hell by the comment ‘Do you hunt? The plains outside Whiterun are ripe with game.’ How the fuck would you know, Anoriath?! You never leave Whiterun, dude! EVER! That ends with this mod. Now people have routines. They sleep, they eat, they walk around, they don’t just stay in one place all the time! It makes the npc’s go from a static feature and changes them into actual people, or goes a long way to help! Even people like carriage drivers now have a lil tent near the carriage, and will even take shelter under cover if it starts raining. (if it’s not too far from the carriage!) Random people will now not try and fight the big dragon who is burning everything to a crisp, but instead run away and take shelter, you know, like a normal person would? Which is helpful, as I tend to hit them with a stray spell then get into shit for accidentally electrocuting the blacksmith or someone who shouldn’t have stood in the way of the MASSIVE FUCKING DRAGON IN THE FIRST PLACE! Anyway... This mod is awesome and makes all the vanilla npc’s less static and weird!  

Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - RDO

Don’t know about you but, I’m kinda bored with the dialogue in this game. The same 5 lines on repeat, over and over and OVER again. I want people who hate me to say something a bit more nasty that ‘What do YOU want?’ This mod adds over 5000 lines of dialog that was never used. Braith finally has more insults to throw at you! Which is great, because I hate that kid and now you will too! Your rivals will be rude to you. Your friends will compliment you. And your spouse will finally say more than a handful of lines to you! With this and the AI overhaul Skyrim will finally feel like it’s come alive. It seems like such a small addition, but it makes a huge impact when you hear lines that you’ve never heard before! 

PC Head Tracking and Voice Type &  Expressive Facial Animation (M)  (F)

So we’ve finally got a living breathing Skyrim, and holy shit, it’s a beautiful thing, right? Time to focus on bringing you to life. Don’t know about you, but I found it plain fucking odd that I didn’t ever look at the person who’s talking to me. Like, not even accidently. I also found it creepy the only time I ever made any sound whatsoever was when I shouted. So the first mod is going to fix that shit. You’ll finally look at the person talking to you, or at that dagger you’re just about to steal. What's more, you’ll be able to assign a voice to yourself, so you’ll greet people who talk to you. Fun doesn’t stop there! You can download voice packs such as, Ciri, Yenifer and loads of others! But... What if you know who you want them to sound like and there isn’t a pack for them? Well, make your own! The page is really good and explains how. So we’re not a clueless goon anymore, we look and talk, but that basically makes us no better than the T 800 terminator. The second mod will make you actually have emotions, instead of constant blank face. You’ll smile at friends and loved ones, and scowl at people who you hate, like you Elrindir. For the last time, I didn’t mean to steal the fucking apple pie! But I think me spending HUNDREDS of gold should have made up for that and did NOT warrant you sending a group of thugs to come kick the shit out of me!  Sorry. Just... Some unfinished business between me and that bastard bosmer. 

Enhanced Lights and FX

I have a potato as a laptop, as such a lot of these amazing ENB’s are totally off the table for me. But... We all deserve a pretty Skyrim, right? Fuck yes we do! And this is the mod that does that for me. So there are two versions of this bad boy, and you will really want to think about which one you want to go for. You’ve got standard, or hardcore. The MAIN difference is, the hardcore version will make dungeons dark. No, I mean pitch black darkness. Really think you know bleak fall barrow? Install hardcore then go run through it. It make sense that it would be dark down in these places, but fuck me dark is now really dark, which I personally love, but you might not. Install at least the main file and the weather mod and I guarantee when you boot your game back up you’ll be saying ‘wow’.  

Enhanced Character Edit  OR  RaceMenu

Okay, first off you only need one or the other NOT both. Here’s the difference. If you want to make a character that looks like they’re from FFXV or korean mmo, you’ll want to get Enhanced character edit. They’re all so damn pretty! Even the men are pretty! If you want something a little less cute looking and maybe more mature, Racemenu is character creator for you. Both give you a TON more customization when creating your new oc, down to finger and toe length and what’s not to love about that?? 

Enhanced Camera

You finally have a body in first person mode. not just hands when attacking. Which FYI Bethesda, is creepy as fuck. Next mod. 

Familiar Faces

Right, last one as we could be here forever, but I need to do more of these things for other games so let's finish with something stupid, but awesome, shall we? You know who’d make the best companion? That spellsword character you made. Or the sneaky archer. Or that tanky as fuck warrior, but they’re on that other save.. No more! When you fire up the game with this mod installed, you get a portal stone placed in your inventory. Use it and get get warped into this empty hall. Go to any of the books on the pedestals and hit yes when prompted. You, your abilities, spells, shouts, game progress and inventory has just been recorded. Load up another save and do the same in a different book, then you can go recruit... you! You can even make yourself marribale! Got that perfect otp? Create them both and have them travel around with you! Want them to use their shouts? No problem! Want them to not use shouts? That’s fine too! Isn’t that overpowered? Who gives a flying fuck?! 

Now go have fun in Tamriel, Bahlaan fahdonne!

[terribleco]

Top Fives: Ade The Terrible’s Top 5 Skateboarding Video Games

With this Coranavirus shit kicking off, and the sensible advice being to STAY THE HELL INDOORS, it’s understandable that you might get bored and have that itch to skate. Unless you have your own private skatepark, you’re gonna have to get creative and dig out some video games so you can still shred. With almost 10 years of experience working in the games industry, and as someone who has held a BAFTA, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to all of this video game malarkey, so join me as I talk you through my top 5 skateboarding video games.

5. Thrasher: Skate And Destroy (PS1)

This game had literally everything going for it back in 1999. It had the Thrasher license. It had legit, authentic skate spots like the Brooklyn Banks and Southbank. It had gameplay based on getting kicked out of spots by security guards (#sorelatable). It had a realistic approach to skateboarding that made tricks difficult, yet satisfying. And it was published by (arguably) one of the best video game companies in the world - Rockstar Games. However, it near enough flopped, because a competing skateboarding game came out a month later and completely trounced it in sales and critical praise. That game was Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. For this reason, not as many people probably know about Thrasher as they should.

The only thing Thrasher didn’t have was actual pro skateboarders. The game had a bunch of unlicensed generic skater characters who you could customise, so at the very least you could alter them and create someone who looked like you instead - something THPS wouldn’t get until the second game. It had an awesome hip hop soundtrack (which, to me, isn't really in keeping with Thrasher, but when the soundtrack is as good as Skate And Destroy’s, you could see it getting a thumbs up from the Phelper), and the gameplay was far more slow paced, methodical and grounded in reality than THPS. It doesn’t particularly hold up well today, but it’s well worth a look.

4. Session (PC)

Despite being in early access on Steam, Session is already a far more satisfying experience than half of the stuff that came out in the “extreme sports” boom of the early 2000’s. In many ways, despite people pinning their hopes of it being a spiritual successor to EA’s Skate, it has far more in common with the previously mentioned Thrasher: Skate and Destroy. It’s authentic, urban location gives me strong Thrasher vibes, and it’s slower, methodical gameplay, where combos and scores are non-existent, rewards practice and patience. It exhibits details that other games have largely ignored, like boards having different deck and wheel sizes, or stance literally mirroring your controls, or the ability to do pressure flips.

Recently they just added Update 0.0.0.3, which adds Skate-like controls and some new levels to play: whilst some (myself included) hoped this might improve the experience, it becomes painfully clear this game was never meant for Skate’s control scheme. To have the option, however, is a nice touch if you are itching for something like Skate. The new locations in the game add a “modified” version of the Brooklyn Banks designed by the developers, which adds a ton of stairsets, ledges and handrails. There’s a lot to skate here, and a lot of fun to be had. There’s also a mini ramp, but (and this is probably a symptom of the game still being in early access), the transition skating is extremely buggy and doesn’t work properly at all. This is a problem Session’s main competitor, SkaterXL, also suffers from. I worry these newer games are going to get transition skating all wrong, which would suck, but it’s still too early to judge either one.

The game very obviously lacks the budget and scope of a AAA console game made by Activision or EA, but in many ways that gives the whole thing a scrappy, DIY feel. Comparing Skate to Session is like comparing Fully Flared to a local scene video - they are doing completely different things and going for completely different vibes, despite both being about skateboarding. One has a near infinite budget, and the pick of every pro on the planet, and the other scrapes by on what the people behind it can throw together within a limited budget and a small crew. I think the hope of Session being “Skate4” might have hurt its reputation slightly, but if you go in with fresh eyes and judge it on it’s own merits, you’ll have a lot of fun.

3. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 (PS2)

This game is on my list because it is, I feel, the culmination of the best features in extreme sports games at the time. I liked the THPS games that came after (OK, maybe not THPS5… or the ones where you stood on an actual skateboard), but the new ideas in THUG1 and 2 just felt like they started to veer away from authentic skateboarding and turned the game into “Jackass: The Video Game”. THPS4 felt like the last game truly grounded in skateboarding culture, with challenges that truly referenced stuff you had seen in skate videos, with little jokes for skateboarders, and a list of locations which had a few nods to Thrasher: Skate and Destroy’s level selection, but through the lense of Neversoft’s excellent level design.

The game cribbed features from a competing game of the time - Aggressive Inline (developed by Z-Axis, who had been the team behind Thrasher), featuring no strict time limits, and treated each level as a mini open world, allowing players the freedom and time to just skate freely and pick up challenges at their leisure. This was the first THPS game to do this, and compared to the constrained time limits of past games, it felt like a true evolution for the series. The basic building blocks of the THPS controls were at their peak here as well, with spine transfers being a big edition which made you feel like you could flow skateparks like Grant Taylor at the push of a button (or, Rune Glifberg, to use a more era appropriate comparison).

2. Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 (PS1)

Yeah, I know, this makes it look like I ran out of games to put on the list. But, this choice is intentional. There are so many other PS1 skateboarding games I could mention here (Grind Session immediately came to mind, if only because Ed Templeton was in it), but THPS2 has a special place in my heart. It is the reason I started skateboarding; without THPS2, this blog wouldn’t exist. I remember THPS1 being a fun game, and it definitely grabbed me, but THPS2 is where I remember the series really stretching its legs, and the authentic elements of skateboarding really expanding. 

The weird downhill levels were gone, and the level selection was a combination of great real life parks (Marseille, Love Park and FDR in Philly), and references to skate videos (The Bullring from Tony Hawk’s part in The End was expanded into a full level!). Character creation, and park creation, were added, to give you infinite hours of fun building your dream skate session. The soundtrack is, still, I think, the best soundtrack to grace a skateboarding video game.

Manuals were added, as the first step toward THPS giving you the tools to land never-ending combos. There are a lot of jokes about THPS feeling like a weird, unrealistic, arcade game - but at the time it was genuinely the closest thing you could get to playing a game that had the perfect cross-section between authenticity and playability. Even better, with the “sim physics” cheat, the game felt far more realistic, and skating the mini at Skatestreet Ventura felt like skating a real ramp. It is instant nostalgia for me, and I feel it is the most replayable of the THPS games.

1. Skate 3

EA’s foray into skateboarding seems like it was over within the blink of an eye, but they bashed out 3 games very quickly in that time. 2007’s Skate, 2009’s Skate 2, and 2010’s Skate 3 are perhaps the closest we have ever got to the “game-feel” we expect from AAA games perfectly aligning with the authenticity of skateboarding. Skate 3, for all of it’s unfortunate, weird glitches, is still the peak of the series, with a wealth of features that give players the tools to skate and create. Even 10 years after release, I play Skate 3 far more than any other skateboarding game I own (even newer games like Session and SkaterXL get ignored in favour of Skate 3), and having the game on the Xbox One’s list of backwards compatible games has been one of the best things to happen during this console generation.

Skating street in Skate has always felt natural and intuitive. You can literally frontside flip a 16 stair and feel like Andrew Reynolds from the comfort of your living room. The room for inventive street skating is limitless within the game’s main city, and the park creator gives you a palette of options to create even more insane spots to invent tricks on. Transition skating has always been a bit hit or miss in these games, with vert/mega ramp being the only thing which they nailed. In Skate 3, however, they got the closest they had ever got to making it fun and realistic. With small touches like characters “dropping in” from tail and nose stalls, footplants which behave (mostly) in a way you would expect and a good selection of pools and mid-sized transitions for realistic skate sessions; Skate 3 had just enough to it for anyone wanting to skate transitions properly. I’ve debated with people whether the transition skating was really that good in Skate 3, but Nollie BS Bigspin Tailstalls and Noseblunts look so, so good in it - so I think it gets a pass.

Skate 3, for me, represents a gold standard for skateboarding games - perhaps even open world games in general. In many ways it pre-empted gaming trends that would come years later; an increased focus on user generated content, online connectivity (originally used to create a sense of community not unlike a local skate scene), and tutorialisation and a wiki for game mechanics to aid accessibility. The game was welcoming and intuitive for most players, and made bombing hills fun and rewarding. It’s deep selection of tricks was engaging, and it’s open world (although splintered into 3 hubs) was fun to explore and navigate. There was a real feeling of discovering new spots, and maybe being the first person to skate something. I can see in Skate 3, what I saw in THPS2 - an experience that sums up the raw, creative, positive energy of skateboarding, and a game which could inspire millions to get out and skate in real life. For these reasons, it is my favourite skateboarding game, and will take nothing short of something akin to “Skate 4” to top it.

[crystalnet]

My Top 10 Video Gamesss

I'm really bored so I'm just gonna do this, fuck it. Top 10 from a guy whose genre of choice is the action-(J)RPG, of which makes up about half this list. I'm gonna try to keep it pretty short and sweet, cuz like who cares, like why am I even doing this who cares. (Digibro says text-blogging is dead, like I need to make videos but like who would want to watch the video of some rando listing things either? Idk, like I don't really get any motivation for anything anymore. But I do like games/JRPGS soooo.... without further ado...). Also I'm doing a 1-game-per-franchise rule 'cuz otherwise it'd be largely Zelda and Final Fantasy because I have good taste, am sheepish and bland, and overly-content with the same 2 franchises. But yeah, I'm digging a little deeper here. 

1. Zelda Breath of the Wild-

This may seem risky, audacious and possibly even sacrilege to put a game that is only like 5 months old on this list, but really this is the only game that I could really confidently put on my top spot. I think this game is just about perfect, and even though its not technically my genre of choice, it comes pretty close to a JRPG, and yet feels more pure than that, and somehow even deeper in a way. I'm just astounded by everything from the mechanics, to the presentation to the flow of this game and more. But especially those things probably. The "flow" of this game for example feels so fucking organic and open-ended that it essentially feels like no other game I've ever encountered. You can wander for hours semi-aimlessly and still have an amazing time and work towards progress. 

The climbing/paragliding thing is just about the coolest mechanic I've ever seen or played in a game and works as a really amazing foundation for one of the underlying aspects of this game, which is sheer unadulterated exploration. And I was saying it somehow reminds of a JRPG even tho it's Zelda and that has everything to do with the deep item-management and collecting, the deep cooking/crafting system, and the huge array of weapons which all transform the combat from being vanilla-as-fuck as it was in previous console Zeldas (barring Skyward I suppose) to really cool, challenging and pretty dang deep, for a Zelda game at least. And that, along with so much of this, including the incredible different experimental non-linearity of it, make this unlike any other than Zelda save the first, revolutionary entry. A lot of the depth also has to do with the crazy deep physics. Did I mention the physics?? And though there's only like 5 dungeons (I easily count Hyrule castle, and this is not including 120 shrines and the various fortresses/mazes), they're really ace and easily rival my favorite Zelda dungeons in the way in which the structure of the dungeons must themselves be manipulated in order to solve their puzzles (my next top 5 is gonna be Top Zelda Dungeons btw..). 

So yeah, this game is just freakin' incredible and this iteration of Hyrule is probably my favorite game world of all time. Every inch of it is beautifully lit, realized, and filled to the brim with little puzzles, shrines, formidable foes and questing galore. Also the horses. The horses are sick. And yeah, climbing to the tops of mountains and paragliding down (or later using Revali's Gale to ascend rapidly) is the most free I've felt in a game since the weirdly amazing web-slinging in Spider-Man 2 (PS2). Also the difference between how weak and basic you feel at first to how you feel toward the end when you have the Master Sword, a crazy good arsenal of weapons that you've curated, all the spells and Shiekah slate magic and all the amiibo-dropped gear attained from an illegal/frowned-upon amiibo deck is freakin awesome and even cooler than the dynamic progression of something like Dark Souls. And the whole first 10-20 hours or so of a new file are especially “special” to me. Not that it gets less fun-- in many ways it gets more fun as you get more capable and experienced-- but the Plateau segment is a master class in tutorial segment design, and the way you learn to live off the land is kind of incredible... There’s this whole Buddhist-esque anti-attachment thing the game forces you to accept regarding early weapons breaking all the time that help make you depend so heavily on scavenging and exploring and always looking for more loot just so that you can survive. You really learn to live off the land, and well that’s beautiful. And everything about all the various mechanics and the world feel so holistic and cohesive and unified in a way that I just haven’t really seen before.  Anyway, yeah I could go on but I think that mostly sums it up. This is the only game where it feels like your actually exploring an amazing natural environment, but without like sore feet and bugs and being sweaty and stuff. It's just all the good stuff involved in taking in a crazy beautiful environ. I already said that but yeah. This game feels restorative, peaceful, meditative. And I never get sick of those lonely little piano chords. It's good. Perfect even. Really a masterwork for me. And the DLC is sweet to boot and still incoming, so yeah. Me likey.  2. Final Fantasy XV-

Where I feel really good picking BotW as my #1, and can do it without hesitation, and it's not even a tough call to make as my favorite entry of its respective franchise, this one is a bit more complex. And like a lot of FF fans would probably rightfully scoff and write me off right away, whereas Zelda fans would probably be more accepting of BotW as the top pick. Because it involves a shit ton of caveats. For one thing, deep deep down, FFXI will actually always be my favorite video game experience of all time. Always. Forever. Sorry not sorry BotW. But I'm not putting that one, because I feel like there's something weird about listing an MMO that I only played for 3 years as a child and can't really revisit in a real capacity. Its sealed in time and perhaps that's what makes it special. Sure I could get on one of the couple of PC servers still going but it wouldn't be the same. Another caveat is FFVII, IX, and XII (Zodiac Age!!) are all, to me, way classier and probably on a technical level "better" than XV. And yet, I'm kind of have this disease where 64-bit games have aged worse for me than any other gen, and while XII is fucking awesome (Zodiac!! ^.^;;), I don't have quite as much fun playing that as XV (though its pretty close...). Somehow, despite all its short-comings, FFXV almost perfectly captures the charm and joy of this series, and all my memories of it, while containing them within a fucking gorgeous-- immaculately so at that-- package that is super freakin' playable compared to older turn-based titles. Like, ATB/turn-based FF will always be more "legit" in a sense, but I can't deny I am an action-JRPG addict and this game hits the sweet-spot for me.

Did I mention how beautiful it is? While some might see the new fixation on open-worlds as kind of redundant-- and BotW has now kind of revealed the flaws in the old triple-A formula for them--, I think this is just a reeeeally good rendition of the "open-world" concept, which is something I always wanted in FF. And while you can't join in with other players like in XI and carve your own path in the world (multiplayer is coming though...), there is a certain feeling of freedom felt in this game that makes so many other FF titles seem so limited (lookin at you XIII). Also, pretty. It's pretttttty. And if BotW's Hyrule is my favorite game-map, Eos is my favorite world in terms of like lore, look, and design. It's freakin cool. It looks real and there are cars and there are modern-looking people like us but there's also crazy monsters, magic, teleportation, robots and evil empires (well those are real). And the monsters seem like something out of an otherworldly Nat. Geo. the way everything is so wonderfully detailed. Its freakin cool Dinotopia shit in this bitch. So yeah, while there are flaws-- notably of which are the lack of customization in character-progression that I love in games like XII Zodiac Age and with the kind of unrealized story which is spread mercilessly across an anime mini-series and OVA-- this game feels like a perfect monument to my favorite series of all time. And like you can play all Nobuo songs while exploring this amazing world. Like seriously that tiny little feature is what puts this over-the-top. Otherwise I might have honestly chosen IX or XII Zodiac Age 'cause they're classy AF and the RPG mechanics are deeper. But fuck it, when I play this, it's basically the best visualizer for an endless Nobuo Uematsu soundtrack I could imagine. And like Shimumura's new stuff is great on top of that. This point falls apart 'cuz I could just play an FF actually composed by Nobuo, but like this way it's like an endless loop of my personal favorite Nobuo. Nobuo... 

But anyway... Yeah I like the look, combat, magic, world, characters, chocobos, and the look again. Also the potential... I think multiplayer could be really, really cool honestly. So while it bears some of the issues all post-Enix-merger FF games have (like weirdly dropping parts of the plot which is like...why???, or the fact that they're having to patch it all year, and are adding stuff (can you say DLC $$$$)), it's still a minor masterpiece for me. And while not as deep, or even as charming as old PS1 FF or 16-bit FF, its just so damn playable. I'm not a good retro-gamer like other people-- I like my games new and bright/shiny, and this game is shiny AF. So yeah. I clearly have to defend the hell out of this, but fuck it, it's great. Like seriously the design of everything? Just walk around and like look at it. LOOK AT IT. Character models!!! Lighting!!! Facial animation and movement!!! Omg. Okay, yeah I'll leave it at that. Don't hate me. 3. Super Smash Bros Wii-

I feel like I don't even have to explain this one. This is quite simply the perfect multiplayer game. And as with BotW and FFXV, I like these latest iterations a lot, which may seem sheepish and like plebian-core but fuck it. Melee was reeeeally fun back in like 2008, but I'm not trying to play that rn. Robin all day. And Cloud?? So yeah, there's just something kind of endlessly sweet about a game where the likes of Mario, Pac-Man, Sonic, Megaman, Cloud, Ryu and... Bayonetta (??) all collide in a game with amazing physics, awesome platform-y freedom-of-movement and a deep competitive scene which almost make this seem like some kind of weird master-game. Like the Master Sword of games. An Einherjar/Valhalla of all videogame character of fame and fortune. So yeah, its great. I can't speak about it to it to the length I did with FF and BotW because I feel like it speaks for itself. Its just pure, unadulterated Nintendo/pan-franchise world-colliding fun. 4. Nier Automata-

Nier/Drakengard lore is fucking crazy, deep as hell, and multi-faceted AF and Yoko Taro is freeeeakin cool and the best game director this side of Hideo Kojima. And where the first Nier is an amazing, lovably imperfect game-- clunky combat, and weird genre-hopping and all-- this one is like freakin' awesome to play front-to-back. Unless you like don't like abruptly inserted bullet-hell segments. But the main combat is irrefutably sick, which is crazy. Platinum games took a reeeeally weird game-world and made it feel super slick despite all the amazing quirks that are inherent to Yoko Taro's games. Also this is one of my like top 5 maybe 3 game soundtracks of all time. It's amazing and reminds me of my favorite Yuki Kajiura soundtrack for .Hack//Sign. Is there a term for awesome vaguely medieval-ish female-vocal heavy mystic-sounding music? 'Cause this game has it in spades and it's freakin sweeeet. Alongside some like soulful adult-contemporary R'n'B ballads? Buy yeah, amazing-feeling combat, a plethora of combos and weapons, a solid amount of depth to character progression, and really fun bullet-hell segments make this game sooooo playable and maybe my favorite action-RPG of all time (FFXV doesn't quite feel like a true action-RPG?)

But then, on top of that it has an amazingly evocative story, with wonderfully dynamic characters who are lovingly revealed over the course of multiple play-through, in a an epic struggle that revels in the philosophy of Sartre, Kierkegaard, and Marx among others. That in itself is freakin' crazy. Games/anime/movies with AI characters or like androids can be so cliche in their exploration of existentialism, and this game can seem like its gonna be like that at first, but it ends up making good on its promises, and functions as just a really cool exploration of a rich philosophical tapestry. And it's all beautifully told, in these really nice semi-muted colors and with these super lovely character models. Plus the open-world is surprisingly great to run around. I love the over-grown human city thing, and the super atmospheric music come together with the aesthetic to make this game so emotional. Like honestly, along with other aspects of the story, this game is sooooo feels-heavy for me. It can be really sad, and there's this amazing dichotomy/friction between how fun it is to play, and how like strait-up bad it can make you feel sometimes. To like even play it. Getting into that would be spoiler-y and stuff, but yeah I'll kind of leave it to there. The story is awesome. 2B and 9S are amazing. The concepts and way this game actually effect you are super unique, and all the presentation-aspects bring it together so beautifully. It's just like... wow. Like play this game. then play it 5 times to get all the endings. 5. Metal Gear Solid V-

I almost have to make the same caveats I did for FFXV for this game as well. Yes, I know, it's not perfect. It partly represents like the downfall of this whole series, and the darker side of video-games in general. There's a pachinko-level pay-wall type thing inserted right into this and there's some behind-the-scene drama involved that strait-up led to Kojima's departure from Konami? (firing??) Idk, idc, I don't have the energy for that, honestly. So maybe I'm a horrible MGS fan, but I'll be damned if I don't love this game unabashedly. I first played it during a time when I had basically spent 5 years not playing any video games besides Smash, and it was an amazing reintroduction into the world of triple-A titles. Emergent gameplay. Openness. The most handsome character model of all time (Big Boss is my daddy). And that Asia song "Only Time Will Tell". Seriously-- something about the way that song synchs up with the feel of sneaking into an Afghani military outpost in the early 1980's any damn way you please is like the story of this game for me, and part of why it's on this list. That song is everything. Like in the context of this game that is. But also outside of it too? But yeah the sheer openness is just incredible. Not open in the same way like Skyrim or BotW is, but in terms of how you complete each and every mission. It feels like your writing the script to your own big action movie every time you set out. Like the game doesn't force anything on you. Did I mention Big Boss is fucking hot. 

And yeah, great music, gameplay and overall presentation, and the cool base-management stuff adds this really cool RTS-ish depth that fleshes out the game wonderfully. Add some solid online PVP, a sweet mech and the gatdamn coolest most open-ended stealth gameplay I'm aware of, and you have yrself a winner. Sorry old, classic MGS, I gotta go with the new model. It's just so damn playable. Like yeah, I know, Konami is like really bad, and fucked up, and like if I really respected Kojima maybe I wouldn't chose this one? But like man I can't help it. I love it soooo much, contemporary triple-AAA-developer-dysfunction and all. Oh and Asia. And the Pere Ubu "Man Who Saved the World". And "Take On Me". Honestly without the tape-collecting/playing this might not be included. But yeah, its clearly great.

6. Dark Souls- Idk, I'm not even a huge Souls guy but this game is kind of breathtaking. I got it for cheap and went in a skeptic, and remained that way for a decent chunk of it, but around the time I was getting to Sen's Fortress things started to click like crazy. This game is undeniable and I'll leave it to the plethora of well-made YouTube analyzers to really get into why. But for me, as far as action-RPGs go, this feels like it has some of the most legit customization and progression of any RPG I've played. It's got an amazing world, with the vertical-nature of the map and way that inter-locking various paths slowly reveal themselves is an amazing thing to behold as the game unfolds. I also just really love the online aspects of this game. I played this game when Dark Souls III was just about to come out and it gave it this kind of spooky feeling. Like I still got invaded a good bit and had help when I wanted it from others, but I could tell it wasn't as busy as it might have been during its initial hey-day. Like playing a weird culty Dreamcast game online in like 2005 (Phantasy Star Online anyone?). This spooky feeling of people being there but not at the same time fits the lore and the world itself really well and that aspect is probably even more exaggerated now (plus the fact that I fuck co-op proves im a n00b). But the fact people were still playing it at all, and still do to this day, speak to how singular and amazing it is. For me, this is just the end-all be-all as far as  archetypal high fantasy worlds go-- at least as far as the darker side of things go. Its a bit heavy metal and dreary for me as far as fantasy goes (I like my shit kinda twee and anime-core), but if I want dark and bleak, with an underlying sense of old-world scenic beauty, this game is unbeatable. Like literally, I can't beat it. That's my one complaint: too hard! I'm a noob, maybe one day I'll git gud and stop getting wrecked-- one can hope... 7. Persona 5

This is weird to put after Dark Souls 'cuz if I'm honest I feel like this game has so much more charm and character and like personality than Dark Souls? Idk, I guess I can make that claim. Like Dark Souls has tons of personality, but like Persona 5? I guess it has to do with my slight preference for action-RPG over turn-based, but this game almost seems like one long ass 100 hour+ trek through sheer charm and personality. Hm, PERSONA-lity? Wow genius. But really, this game is just dripping with unique style and charisma. And I'll be honest, I wen't in expecting a lot and for a solid like 20 hours initially I wasn't all that into it. I'm still kinda an SMT noob so I think I'm just impatient for how long this game takes to reveal itself. It's just freakin big and deep that it literally takes that long and then some to truly get going. But once it does... oh boy does it. I think it might be the coolest turn-based game I've ever played in terms of just the sheer combat itself (sorry all pre FFXI Final Fantasy games???). Equal parts FF at its deepest and classiest and Pokemon at its um. Well idk, it's not as Pokemon as Ni No Kuni, but the Persona-collecting system is freakin great. And the level of challenge the combat/dungeons have seem almost pitch-perfect in a way RPGs rarely do. And then add in all the social links/dating sim components, and the open world, and the weird Sly Cooper-inspired stealthy dungeon-crawling and you have like one of the craziest, coolest most legit JRPGs of all time.

But yeah the saving grace for me is the actual turn-based system/combat itself. For a turn-based, its bizarre how kinetic and speedy it can feel. You have all the time you need to strategize if you so chose, but once you know what your doing it can be like lightning, right up until the point where your arguing with a demon to either fork over some loot or join your party, or else your moving fluidly back into great dungeon-crawling action. And then yeah all the crazy super-Japanese high-school student simulation stuff rounds things out delightfully. Like, I admit I like my RPGs to either be high fantasy or else cyber-punky and this is neither of those. Like I'm not even sure what aesthetic so much of this is... smooth jazz and sassy r'n'b moodiness, and like Japanese high-school-attending outcasts who moonlight as stylish treasure-hunting demon-slaying thieves and fight against the inner-world manifestations of corrupt adults-- like what is that vibe? I really don’t know, but I suppose its something all true otakus understand on some inherent level, even if it does remain mysterious and ever allusive in its charms to me. 

But the story is cool and huge (Seriously, 100+ hours! What?!!?) and plumbs psychological depths and doesn’t pull punches when it comes to getting a little dark, if maybe in a somewhat simplistic way. But yeah, this game oozes charm, like in the way Mona is so undeniable as a side-kick. I mean they’re almost annoying too but then like, no, Mona’s pretty great though. There are things I can almost imagine it doing that would make me like it even more (like the whole day-cycle thing never quite feels as open as I want it to? But like if it was it'd be like 300 hours. Just that thing where you speed through yr day and almost skip right to one scene in-class and then BAM its after-school), but yeah like this nitpick doesn't even fully make sense. It's just that this game is open-ended af and yet it can also sometimes feel kind of like your spending a lot of time clicking through text without a ton of control. But really that's just the like first 20-30 hours. And again the combat is just undeniably solid. So yeah, it's lite-novel-y and when yr not in dungeons it can seem like yr clicking through an anime almost, but I mean that's kind of also what makes it amazing.

And I'll just touch lightly on presentation stuff like the amazing soundtrack and the f a b u l o u s  style of all the menu's and just over-all visual flair of this game, 'cause literally everyone notices that instantly. The dungeons also seem kinda weirdly PS2-looking to me, but like it doesn't matter. This game has a crazy amount of depth and charm that make more immaculate looking triple-A's seem soulless. Plus, yeah like all the menu stuff and like visual segues make it seem so much more stylish than them too even though its clearly not on the same level technically. So yeah, this game’s a lot of win. I was skeptical of the hype honestly, and aspects of Persona 4's world are a little cooler to me still, but man this game is just like... yeah it's good. It's soo long and so written and chock full of a very distinct kind of charm that it seems comparable to having some kind of weird virtual pal inside my ps4 (Does that sound sad ^.^;;). Like it's just cool to know I can always pop it in and hang out with my old pals Ryuji, Ann and Morgana. And Makoto.  For like 100 more hours now. How long is this? Where am I, I've been playing it for 3 days, help!? 8. Odin Sphere Leifthrasir-

I'll have less to say to this 'cuz I'm pretty new to the hype-train and thank god 'cuz I wrote way too much about P5? But yeah, this game is the addictively-awesome side-scrolling action-RPG/Beat-'em-up I didn't know I needed in my life. At first I thought the over-all look was kind of not really my thing, but I've done a full 180, and while its not the like more traditional anime/FF-esque style I'm used to, I've come to see just how beautiful and fresh its style is. And then the combat itself is sweeeeeeet. Endlessly playable and as deep as you'd want a still kinda light-feeling action-RPG to be. Plus there's a deep cooking system which just always takes good action-RPGs or any game over-the-top for me. Most of the game is done exploring these really fun combat-filled levels but some respite is found in the mini-farming and cooking mechanics. And the crafting adds an extra dimension as well. Soooo deep. I also love that it scores you on how stylishly your playing by tracking yr combos. This is one of the more fluid and engagings JRPGs I’ve played, and the hand-drawn look is to die for. So yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet, but the action is great, the characters' various play-styles are wonderfully varied, and the overall presentation is just so unique and cool. Oh and the story ends up being like really legit? Caught me by surprise. It's mostly just good old fashioned sprite-based fun, with a really sick Norse-inspired fantasy aesthetic. A video game's video game (what does that mean?? (you get it)).

9. Dark Cloud-

The true OG "Dark" action-RPG of my dreams and heart-- sorry Dark Souls, you were a decade late. This game encapsulate the joy of PS2-era action-RPGs, a high-point for the genre. The kind of vaguely bland-but-still-unique fantasy look of it (a successful "Ocarina-killer" for my money, on a visual level at least), the procedurally-generated dungeon crawling, and the freakin’ awesome city-building and NPC-interacting make this game pure win. Like yeah, its a bit clunky with its combat, but charmingly so for me. Its mostly just got this really nice sustained vibe of like sheer pleasantness all throughout, and I just can't get enough of its over-all vibe after all these years. Harder to put this one into words... but yeah the city-building and little tiny touches with all the NPC-helping and questing is what make it special for me. Especially the city-building (you get to restore these little towns that have been ravaged and you have to make everyone happy with the way you set things up. So Japanese and so fun..) Like what a cool, weird feature that ends up being great. Idk, its great. I like the vaguely arabian-ish vibe too. It's just...  really good. It's just sheer PS2-style win. So yeah this one is mostly a lot on inarticulate nostalgia but fuck it. 10. .Hack//Infection-

Speaking of inarticulate nostalgia...Now I can't quite say this game is like truly a "good" game? All the way through at least. In some ways its part of a big cash-grab for Bandai-Namco. I'll go with the first one in the series, but its really just a piece of a whole along with 3 other games, that may have been a bit padded and intentionally designed to leach a whopping 200 US from a true dreamer back in the day, who just couldn't help themselves. BUT it's also kind of amazing. Like the combat and dungeon-crawling is a bit cut-and-dry (is it just me or are procedurally generated PS2 dungeons kind of sick?) but its enough. You have tons of party members to choose from, a plethora of magic scrolls to use if you so choose, and your 2 trusty little twin blades with which you can press X to slash with until the cows come home. A game like Kingdom Hearts as an action-RPG seems so much more fluid and kinetic and yet? Well KH is ridic, and if I'm gonna die on some hill for a goofy anime-core action-RPG it'll be this one any day. It combines my favorite aesthetics (mysterious celtic-y high fantasy AND cyber-punk) by way of being a game-within-a-game, and by being about a fictional MMO while not actually being an MMO it's kind of meta AF also. Also, the stuff with the emailing the other party members you meet and the system that has you increasing your bond through these simulated conversations with other players just reeeally gets to me, and seems cooler than Persona confidant-developing honestly. I'm a huge sucker for the original anime, and you got these really sick OVA anime discs with each entry which were set in the real world that the game existed in and even though that shouldn't factor in really, I admit it does. It all comes together as this kind of cool, weird, slightly-trashy anime wet-dream from my childhood at the end of the day. Also, some sick music, sick AF character designs, and an overall concept (that I'll actually defend to the death despite some of the superficial anime plotting/characters) round things out very nicely. Just the fact that this is a game about an MMO... like what a concept (and a decade before that SAO garbage fire shit). Plus Grunty raising. And the G.U. Last Recode remaster is right around the corner, OMG!!!!!!

also rans/runner ups: 11. SSX 3

12. Resident Evil 4

13. Katamari Damacy

14. Super Mario Galaxy

15. No More Heroes

16. Spider-Man 2

17. Catherine

18. Bomberman '93

19. Tekken 4

20. Marvel Vs. Capcom 2

[excusetheconfusion]

The homeless days.

After rekindling an old friendship from a 7 year hiatus, I've been inspired/influenced to write an experience story. Usually my blogs are just stoner ramblings about my feelings and thoughts but today it'll be more of a recap kind of deal. If you've kept up with my blogs, you know about the 'bad' ex, you know about my dad dying, you know how I sold the house that I hated...this picks up right after I sold the house. After living in the small town of Houston, Missouri from 2010 to 2013, I sold my first house. Really, sold my dead dad's house. Before that, I had lived with my dad on the Gulf Coast. We went through Katrina, lost everything over and over again. So material things hadn't meant much since 2005. We had our mobile home, then another, then a FEMA camper, then a FEMA cottage, then another camper. We didn't really move, all these homes were on the same piece of property, but hurricanes kept taking them. One day, after my dad had gotten his back pay from SSI and some other government things that he had been owed, he typed in cheap properties, and Houston, Missouri popped up. We moved summer of 2010. It was my first time having a real house, I thought it was going to be great. I hated leaving my friends, and I didn't care for the town too much, but it was a real solid house. Not even a year later, my dad was killed. I ended up pulling the plug while my dad was in a coma, basically brain dead. Bar fight gone wrong. I finished the job that a 23 year old, Caleb Buckner couldn't.(feel free to search Midtown, Licking Missouri Barfight, October 8th 2011, Victim Rickie Murray) After that, the boyfriend at the time, who was 20 seemed pretty mature considering I was 16. So here I am 16, no family, a house, 2 vehicles, in a town where the only people I knew were my dad's bar friends, and my boyfriend's family. I was a good kid. Good grades, good intentions, polite, soft spoken, the worst thing I did at the time was smoke a little pot. Which what 16 year old hadn't done that? Well, my family in Louisiana tried to get me to come home but, I knew better apparently. My family let me make my own choices, which looking back on now was stupid. I was 16, they should have made me come home and have a normal life. But they didn't and that's when I began my journey alone. My boyfriends grandparents adopted me. They gave me a room in their home, and treated me like their own. They went to my drama club plays, they helped me with cash when I needed it. They loved me just like I loved them. I called them grandma and grandpa and things were fine aside from the fact that their grandson was incredibly abusive. But where else could I go? We ended up moving into my dad's house 6 months later. So, I'm 17, a senior in high school with a 21 year old living with me. It got worse once we were really alone. It was about a 2 year long process of getting dad's house back from the government. I had a plan to leave Shad, but I had to bide my time. The day I found out the house was out of probate and was able to be sold, I packed up all his stuff and had it sitting on the front concrete porch. The day he moved out was also the day that The guy who ended up being my kids dad and I would sleep together. It was a hasty thing that happened at a very vunerable time. But we ended up in love and dating soon after. He was a hippie soul, and introduced me to many of the things I cherish and while heartedly believe now. I had wanted to be homeless since I met this guy called Homeless Dave at a party in Mountain Grove, Missouri. I envied him. I always wanted to just sneak away from my ex in the middle of the night and just walk and keep walking. I figured I'd do it one day, but I didn't know how soon it would actually be. My new boyfriend and his friend's family had a plan to go to Colorado. So I said fuck it, and that I'd go too. I didn't know these people from Adam. They move in with me, and I instantly regreted it. I didn't have a kid at the time, and I never thought I would have one because I didn't like fucking kids. Well, this whole thing was turning into a shit show. Long story short, their plan was for me to financially support everyone with the new money from selling the house. Which wasn't going to happen. So, I have to be the worst person in the world and say no to a family, because all it would do is bring me down. It was hard. I still feel guilty, but the gift of being in the present (future) is that they are still in the same boat. Divorced. Had more kids, in jail, on drugs, etc. No matter what I would have done back then, it wouldn't have changed their future. So I go to Colorado, alone...minus my dog and cat. I gave away everything I owned. I took clothes, pictures, and an open mind. And kitty litter and dog food. I make the trip totally alone, 19 years old, first time free, and totally in love. So, the plan was to go to Boulder and be homeless. But I had a home, I had family, I had people who cared about me. So I wasn't homeless, I was houseless. And I wanted to be. At this time, the big flood in Boulder had just happened, so there were not only regular homeless, but there were displaced victims of a natural disaster there too. And I say homeless because it is the PC thing to say. Hobo is insulting apparently. And I mean that with all the sarcasm. I stayed at the park in Boulder, right by the library. The mix of people were rich Boulder college kids, retirees, teens who left home just because, 20 something year old stoners, drugies, or 40 something year olds who were kicked out of the crazy homes back in the day. Some people lived in tents, motel rooms, cars, storage units. Even if some of them had money, they still lived like that. I met a ton of real people. I mean, as far as they knew, I didn't have anymore or less than they did. I didn't tell a whole lot of people that I just sold a home. I didn't want to get robbed or anything. Turns out, it ended up happening. The deadbeat husband with the family that I bailed on, well he stayed in Colorado being a bum while his family was in Missouri. I let him sleep in my car from time to time. In my car, had my dad's jewelry. Gold necklace, a few gold rings... He stole them and hocked them. He stole my cell phone, and a set of tires and rims that I left in Missouri. All for nothing too, if he had stolen my things and bettered his life with it, then I don't care. Rob me fucking blind,if you are going to fix your life. That's a sacrifice I'll take. But he didn't, and he took the last of my dad's things that I had. So there I was in Colorado and the only soul I knew was the guy who I had just started dating a couple weeks ago. He got a job with relief clean up from the flood. So I was just chilling. I had my pug, Rosie on a leash and my cat, Jan in a kitty fabric carrier. I had my back pack with water, snacks, and my recreational tools with me. I would just walk around and take naps in the grass. I'd sit by a creek. Go walk down town. I was just free. It was pretty safe for the most part. I have to say, the worst thing that happened was on one of my first days there. I saw some nerds playing MTG at a table, which was a card game I was familiar with. I join them and before I could even say anything a guy sits by me. He uses my body as a wind shield, leans down and pulls out foil and a straw. I'm in disbelief. Then he exhaled and said, 'It's just meth'. Then he walked away. Shortly after, I left the nerd table to hang out with some other homeless. Another funny story. So, I have my dog Rosie, who was an unbelievably disgusting animal. Nasty mucus filled eyes, a long dry shark skin tongue, that usually had poop stuck to it, because she literally ate shit. So with that horrifing backstory, I would walk around with Rosie and people would ask to take pictures with her. I let about 10 people take them for free. I decided to start charging. I was homeless, so I may as well hustle. This huge black guy with a briefcase come up to me, asks to take a picture of her, and I was like 'what cool thing do you have to trade'? This mother fucker opens up his brief case, that is full of buds of weed, and he throws a handful on the ground. Well that was enough of a payment for me. Never saw him again. Once it got to be October, it was getting pretty cold in Colorado. So we got an apartment in Westminster. Which ended up being the hood. And ya know, we still kept our homeless friends. We would go visit them in the park, or they would come and stay the night. We kept in contact the whole time in Colorado. Those people were 100. And those are the people who most see I'm the sides of the road and look down on them. Honestly most of those people had more money in their pockets then most 40 hour a week workers. I'd say the experience in a whole was humbling. Not just for me but for perspective on other people. I've showered in a homeless shelter. I've ate food from a soup kitchen. I had strangers give me socks and hot dogs, they took time out of their day to give me some comfort. It was a toughening thing too, knowing that I don't need anything or anyone and I'm good. I have it handled. I denied help when I felt like it. Because I knew I had the means if I wanted. I was pretty ghetto at times. I mean, I took sink showers in grocery store bathrooms for shits sake. I highly recommend doing something crazy like this at least one time. The only thing stopping you is you. It is as easy as waking up and giving everything away. Just walking away from everything you know. Right when it is scariest, that's when you jump. Who knows, you may jump into a shit storm, and walk away with less than what you came in with. You may ruin your relationship and be miserable. You may meet the love of your life. You may get pregnant and have the most beautiful baby. Your life may take a complete 180. But wouldn't you rather know what happens? I don't know how anyone could just wonder about these things...jump. It's the best choice I've ever made.