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theangrypokemaniac · 5 years ago

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Since no one cares about Alola I can therefore say what I want.

Team Rocket's Pokémon are all worthless toss. That's such a surprise from this oafish writing team.

Remember when Jessie and James had two each, to offer variety? Permitting them even that is too much focus nowadays.

We don't what anything interesting going on, thank you. Repetition is what we and they deserve.

Arbok, Weezing, Lickitung and Victreebel are spinning in their graves.

Stufful was missing for three years and she displayed not the slightest pang of concern until its belated invention. Given her temper she ought to have torn the island apart searching for her baby, but no.

Not bothered about Bewear. It shouldn't really be in this list as it didn't belong to them, although catching has no value anymore.

A bit thick are we? Or conforming to the usual parental standards?

Well, she's sufficiently neglectful that she let it out of her sight long enough for it to be crushed under a tree, then was too idle to come to the rescue. In consequence he was obliged to wait days until one of Lusamine's lackeys arrived.

She's 'Mama Bear' though, isn't she?

It's based on a red panda, is partly the colour of a black bear and as strong as a grizzly, but all that is a mere cover for its true nature as a Bear-Face Ham.

The modern pretence is that everyone's a vegetarian (are they balls), and Ursa Major lives on fruit, not, you know, flesh.

Just because it there's no hibernating in the tropics doesn't mean it can get by without a salmon now and again.

The name is stupid, since a red panda is not a bear. A play on words isn't clever if based on what it isn't.

They should've called her 'Pandamonia', or 'Pandour', which is a brutal soldier.

It is at least redeemed by battering the klepto cockroach into the next dimension. Good on 'er.

Mind you, this is Alola, a cesspit of incest, so it's probably some sick arrangement, like Bewear being slipped the length by that previously unmentioned Oakie-Dokie clone.

He's the spit of Jimmy Savile, thus every depravity is on the table.

Where's Stufful's dad? He buggered off too?

What kind of name is 'Stufful'? What's it made from, 'stifle' and 'suffocation'? 'Stuffed'?

Thanks for that. Whenever I see its ovine face I'm reminded of taxidermy.

Were Ursa Minor and Bewear described as mother and son, or were they 'friends'?

A series of games involving breeding and the 'anime' is too squeamish to even imply animals live in families.

I don't care either way for Stufful, but I'd like it better if its mouth wasn't a camel toe.

I understand it's a sea creature, and the contents of the oceans are their own brand of peculiarity, but looks like a limbless, undead spaniel plagued with extra teats. Its 'ears' resemble distended mammeries.

Hey, remember that interesting, original Pokémon James had called Victreebel? Let's do it again! And again! AND AGAIN!

Victreebel is a venus fly trap: an anomaly in nature as a carnivorous plant. It makes sense that the Pokémon version would be a bit more full-on in catching a meal.

New law: Team Rocket are required to collect monsters as ugly as themselves.

Hurting James was its personality quirk, particularly to it, fitting its nature, its 'thing'. It was never meant as a template for most of what he caught in the future.

Something is funny if it happens once, and can be now and again if done with a least a little flair.

Nothing repeated as a constant leaden thud is remotely amusing, but this is an unknown fact to Nintendo bone heads. They think certain events are utterly hilarious in themselves and require no finesse in application.

They have a checklist of moments obligatory to each episode, which explains the plodding lifelessness. Tick 'em off to keep the fans from being ticked off. All we supposedly care about is each gong struck, not how we got there.

At least Victreebel used to vary its behaviour:

Occasionally it even did as told without any chomping preamble.

It didn't do the exact same action every single time it was involved!

Mostly it swallowed James.

How long was it once Victreebel was chucked out on its leafy arse before Cacnea arrived?

Oh look, it's a Grass Pokémon and attacks James!

Sometimes it ate Jessie.

Carnivine got in on the action before Cacnea's run was even up: kick 'em when they're down why don't yer?

Oh look, it's a Grass Pokémon and attacks James!

Now we have Mareanie. Wasn't there a few in between? No, shush, they don't exist anymore.

Every bloody time it came out, it turned round and punctured him.

Every bloody time.

Ah, it's not a Grass Pokémon. That makes it totally new!

Oh yes, it's the complete opposite of Victreebel. It's Poison instead. Not like it at all.

Every bloody time it came out, it'd gnaw his head off.

Every bloody time.

That's endearing.

Oh but it is! It's just showing him love!

As that makes it alright!

If a muscular man squeezed his girlfriend so tightly he cracked her ribs, is that 'sweet' because he 'meant well' but his feelings overwhelmed him? Or is it A.B.H.?

Every bloody time it comes out, it injects James's head with toxin until it swells up into purple pustule of disease.

Every bloody time.

I never took Victreebel's assault as affection. To me they were real attempts to devour James, especially with the accompanying frenzied screech. Interpreting that as a positive emotion is bizarre to me.

At soon as James found it wedged in a Breeding Centre cage and opened the door it grabbed him, which appeared to be Victreebel lashing out in anger for what'd happened in the intervening period.

What Mareanie does is worse than the other three put together. At least they delivered mere bite marks or pinpricks, but it infects James!

Whole episodes of this programme have involved a Pokémon falling foul of Poison Powder and being on the verge of death, with all done to preserve it until Ash hunted down the cure, but now it's a big laugh, apparently.

Not one character ever has the wits about them to carry an Antidote, otherwise the writers wouldn't be able to fall back on the tired old race-against-time scenario, which is no such thing as we know they won't die.

Is it likely that James is always going to end up picking a violent Pokémon, of all the individuals of a race, of all the lifeforms in the universe?

Aren't his allowed to come with their own personality, or is there a set pattern they must follow, and when caught they absorb it, for fear they might be memorable?

Mind you, it's interesting the reactions these abuses provoke:

Victreebel eats James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Cacnea impales James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Carnivine chews James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Mareanie poisons James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Meowth claws James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Jessie beats James: Aw, it's so kyewt!

Jessibelle whips James: EEVUL BITCH!!!

Mimikyu should be opposed for breaking it's own world.

To us, Pikachu is the most famous Pokémon, belonging to Ash, the protagonist, and the franchise's mascot.

To them, Pikachu is just another middling Pokémon hundreds of young Trainers catch, and holds no greater value.

It's blatantly a reference to Pikachu's real-life status, acknowledging itself as fiction. No Pokémon would hold the same significance for this design to work but him.

Otherwise why would Mimikyu, when it has the choice of every Pokémon that exists, and, if meant to be a believable world, every Pokémon we don't know exists, choose Pikachu to ape? Why wouldn't it pick a Legendary?

Alola Pikachu is looking off colour.

It's not even this specific Mimikyu, it's the entire species!

What, they work to a hive mind, incapable of individual tastes and opinions?

Do they all hate Pikachu too, even though the entire mouse population of Alola has been rounded up by that loon and trapped in a valley, or were we lumbered with the lone demented obsessive with a severe complex?

Is it well jel that Pikachu's a real one, whereas it can only manage to knock up a bog-standard costume with a face daubed by a chimp paralytic from scrumpy?

Well stop imitating it then! Invent your own design!

Oh come on. The animators can't even do that, hence its creation. You can hardly expect it to display inspiration if born from its absence.

I wonder if it hates Raichu. And Pichu. And Plusle and Minun. And the rest of the Pikachu derivatives, although it is one.

(As an aside, I don't know why Raichu, Marowak and Exeggutor were redrawn for this era, but not Pikachu, Cubone and Exeggcute. Why does the sweaty climate affect only evolutions?)

Here's an idea: make Shiny Mimikyu have a different get up, not colour.

You can have that free, Game Freak. I'm too lenient with yer.

Presumably, Mimikyu hatches (already dead?) in all its eye-bleeding nastiness, and instinctively reaches for the discarded yellow bedsheet and pack of crayons that just so happens to be nearby, and the scissors to make the peep holes.

Them inbreds know how to litter.

Flippers?

Nah, it's probably hooks.

How is it born aware of a Pikachu's face, and why is it compelled to copy them?

Knowledge of his own ugliness is innate, thus he must cover his nakedness before it lays waste to the forest inhabitants.

Yet if you breed 'em, it emerges wearing it, like the cloth formed from left-over albumen and stained with yolk!

What's it reaching with? Paws?

Mittens?

Oh, and there was a deceased specimen in the series, so it's either a ghost, and nothing but bedsheet, or a zombie, and it's repulsive carcass has upped the ante by putrifying.

Even its name doesn't fit. Apart from the unsightly spelling, what's 'Mimikyu' about? It's not mimicking me.

Mimikyu? It should be Mimikchu!

And you know what? Even Nintendo agree their own inventions aren't good enough, because they made return almost impossible.

They hate these more than they do even the pre-Unova Pokémon, most of whom were condemned to a dark existence within the iron corridors of H.Q. and haven't been seen since.

• Growlie is such a beloved figure in James's life he's been involved all of twice.

• Dustox got pensioned off.

• James was practically bullied into gifting Cacnea to that cloying bitch Gardenia.

• Whilst he still tecnically owns Chimecho, it's as lost to him as any of them.

Remember Seviper, Yanmega, Carnivine and Mime Junior?

Hell, remember Woobat, Yamask, Frillish and Amoonguss?

Or Gourgeist and Inkay?

Of course, since the makers appear to have the Reverse-Midas Touch, Team Rocket still took that useless, wincing lump Wobbuffet to Galar instead of dumping it over the sea. Apparently we're stuck with it forever.

Arbok, Lickitung, Weezing and Victreebel got shafted, but THAT survives?

Yes? That's more the writers do. In current canon these Pokémon never lived at all. Dead memories in the haze.

#Team Rocket #Bewear #Stufful #Mareanie #Mimikyu #Wobbuffet #Alola

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theangrypokemaniac · 5 years ago

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Contests Part 1/2

I hate Contests, and here's why.

1. Degradation

Pokémon Fashion Flash is a lesson in morality. It teaches that Pokémon are not to be judged as machines or accessories, but as living things with feelings.

They all should be cherished, not merely the 'cool' or gaudy breeds, and it's up to their owners to bring out the true potential in every kind of creature.

Love is the magic making the ugly carapace beautiful.

Suzy thus lays into Team Rocket for displaying the sort of ephemeral whims she detests.

Fast forward to Hoenn, and we have Contests, peddling the shallow message that looks are valued above everything, which are to be judged and graded, with Suzy's noble ideals out the window.

In fact, through these farces the axis of what Pokémon is has shifted.

The anime began aimed at everyone, especially children and teenagers, but now, when its concern with fluff and sparkles takes precedent, it's a fantasy for toddler girls.

Where once strength, speed and size were prized, the emphasis on powerful, final evolution monsters (and many were monsters), suddenly it's all about being small and oh-so kyewt, with attacks applauded for spectacle, not the damage value.

As an æsthete, I wouldn't mind the celebration of beauty, but it never comes to that. What emerges is a vague expression of so-called attractiveness which is no such thing.

If it's small, it's adorable, apparently.

That's not enough! Buneary, Piplup and Pachirisu aren't endearing just for tiny stature!

Affection isn't built merely on a lack of height!

Unsuprisingly, Hoenn sold us the laughable lie that Milotic was the most beautiful of them all.

Not it's not! It's a sea slug!

2. Undermining Badges

Drummed into a player is that Badges are a necessary aspect of a Trainer's experience.

It's no use transferring a team of legendaries over, planning to blast through the story, because they're not obeying yer cheating heart.

You wanna be the very best? Like no one ever was?

Well you're gonna work for it, sonny. There ain't no coasting tolerated here.

The reality is akin:

To earn a Pokémon's obedience, you collect Badges.

To get them, Leaders must be defeated.

To do that, your team needs training, for hour upon hour upon hour.

Day in, day out, same thing over and over. This life isn't for the impatient seeking a quick fix, but it does reward those with the discipline to press ever on, irrespective of exhaustion.

Each battle exposes the Pokémon you love to potentially serious damage. They have to go through pain for your benefit, besides paralysis, poisonings, burns and freezing, but you tell yourself, it's the only way.

They will improve. They will grow. The titan they become under your care makes it worthwhile.

The advent of Contests causes me to pause and wonder:

What happens if the job chosen doesn't involve Badges? How can you command their respect?

It surely can not be that a warrior race such as Pokémon is meant to bow to Ribbons as they do to Badges.

Eh? What for? How can real effort compare to a vacuous fixation with what's shiny this week?

You mean it was pointless?

You needn't have bothered because Badges ain't that special?

You could take the feckless route of indulgence and get the same?

As if! Is a sash from a Jon-Benet pageant the equivalent of a black belt?

For the purpose of promoting a new fad, they undermined the core vocation of much of the world's population.

Now months of stuggle, devoted to reaching a higher level, all the stress, strain, blood and bruises gained along the arduous path, after all that, you're no better off than some pin-brained waster who cares only for false nails, hair extensions and orange tan, because that's to what it amounts.

And couldn't they think up a better term than Co-ordinator? Even that is tedious.

3. Blatant Filler

Eras featuring these inexorable abominations lasted four years each, and that's too bloody long!

Battle Frontier might make a stab at variety by touring Ash's homeland, touting the remakes, but Sinnoh League Victors has a single Gym, and that's it.

We completed Kanto in one-and-a-half series thank you, but now we gotta move through the sludge of Contests to get anywhere!

I accept episodes laid aside for Ash to gain Badges (and that's strung out by having him bugger it up repeatedly) because they are vital for his progression, but why must I tolerate this nonsense?

In the games, Contests are a distraction. That's really what they are in the 'anime'. Whether the female companion competes or not is an irrelevance.

Ash is the protagonist. We follow his dream. We'll still be watching it when whatever gonks tagging along are flushed down the canonical plug hole.

By definition only his career matters because it will continue in perpetuity.

I don't care about the empty ambitions of temporary friends. Where's the incentive for me to invest in what they do when they'll be gone soon, never to return?

Contests conquered Sinnoh. Hoenn was a little more restrained, but nope, now we get the cavernous stadiums, heaving masses and bloated list of contestants.

With Gyms, it's one-on-one, not an once of flab to be had: lean and stripped down.

May had Drew and Harley, which isn't so bad, though the latter was a weirdo cactus div.

Oh no, that don't suffice for Dawn, she gets a crowd!

It can't just be Jessie and extras each week, oh no, unleash the hordes: Zoë, Kenny, Ursula and Nando. Even May got in on the action.

Five of 'em. Five to whom yet more time must be dedicated.

I don't mind focus on Ursula and Nando. They had something. But please, not slobbering halfwits Zoë and Kenny. Please no.

And come on, May, you've had your go. Piss off.

With my luck, of course it was dweeb weeds KenZo who received the attention, even episodes covering their success.

As if I give a toss!

Alright, I'll take Dawn winning every farce she enters, but come on, making her lose means I must sit through yet more dross.

And the slime kept pouring on to my head.

Had I watched it on the original broadcast, and not sped up, it would've taken five weeks for the Grand Festival to pass over!

Sludge!

Yep, it was this gruesome twosome with whom Dawn was forced to bond, one as a slightly sinister mentor, t'other as a bully and repulsive love interest.

Ewwwwwww!!! Have I not suffered enough, Sinnoh?

4. Canon Balls

If Dawn's skank bag ma competed in childhood, Contests have been going twenty years or more.

How strange, they never made it to Kanto until global ambassador Ash visited Hoenn, when suddenly it became all the rage.

Alola has the perfect simpering girlies to compete, but it's too backwards for such witchcraft to reach its savage shores.

It took Ash turning up for them to start a League!

We must be grateful for small mercies.

5. Loser May, Loser Dawn

Apart from the Orange Islands, the single League Ash won has him against kids rendered intellectually defective from generations of incest, which somewhat dampens the victory.

Yeah, because he can't actually achieve anything can he? It's tradition.

I understood the previous rule of forbidding him a trophy, for fear of whatever came after would prove an anticlimax, although I didn't agree with the logic.

Where I object is that May and Dawn, as deuteragonists, are obliged to follow the policy of failure and embarrassment, simply because this cartoon has such a problem with real success.

It might yak relentlessly about 'getting stronger', but it's all talk to with no actual improvement.

It's not Goku training extensively until he reaches the status of deity and beyond.

By the finals, the decision has been made that neither girl will make it to the next generation. This is the apex of her time.

Why then are they condemned to this humiliation? Why must this obsession with never rising above mediocrity hold sway?

That's the anticlimax, not lifting the cup. It ought to be May Day and Dawdle first and Jessie second.

Departure looming, we can't watch any growth, or fatuous 'learning curve'. This is the door swinging shut on their story and locked forever.

Yet still they bloody lose.

Some send-off.

#pokémon #contests #may #dawn #suzie #sinnoh #hoenn

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