#but now its like. im scared all the time theyre making homophobic 'jokes' all the time their friends make me feel unsafe

[your-localghost]

so um who wants to read a 50 page essay of me and my mom's journey through the IT movies?

too bad you're reading it

so like i saw this goddamm clown, and i, also being a clown, said to my mom, also a clown, "lets watch this clown movie lol" and she said yes. and in the like first five minutes we are already awwing and stuff because??? omg georgie and bill are so cu- oh. oh my god. oh this us not what we thought at all-

so enter Losers. instant RELATE i am also a LOSER hellO?? hAh look at these 2 idiots theyre bickering like an old couple an- oh my fucking GOD of course there are bullies. one of them looks like draco malfoy??? guYs did draco malfoy play in this movie we see him like 2 times-

oh my god oh no poor bill he is trying to find his brother :( but alsO BEV IS SO PRETTY??? IM SO GAY???? and yeah i really feel the New Kid On The Block like same man i didnt even get to meet a pretty girl and a buncho losers who will go jump into lakes with me

OH and the lake scene? it bites me in the ass later. i fucking passed it off as a "theyre bonding" moment and then it transforms into a feelings plane and crashes into my house

--

me: they just keep leaving their bikes

mom: well It takes kids, not bikes

--

fastforward and??? the fight secene?? the fuckijgn fi Ght SCE ne??? o H M Y GO D

bill was so desperate to find georgie?? richie was so scared he would die??? beN BEING SCARED HIS FRIENDS ARE GONE?

i AM ALL OF THESE FUCKERS

and oh?? bev's dad??? hate the vibe this dude gives to me. like this dude def did more than mentally abuse her and im so glad she beat him up

uhHHH??? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT EDDIE STANDING UP TO HIS FREAKSHOW OF A MOM??? HOW HE WAS SO MAD????? HE THREW HIS PILLS ON THE GROUND HELLO, HE STRAIGHT UP YEETED HIS FANNY PACK??? MAN the things a gay goes through for his friends

bill's speech on georgie, like, dude just fucking stab me it will hurt way less

fastforward more, the oath??? how scared stan was??? like i ddint really feel any connection with stan other than his actor played my fav character, stan, in ianowt, but uHm? i still love him??? so mUCH???

oOOOH i just realied i didnt talk about mikey

ahem

THE ROCK FIGHT THE FUKING ROCK FIGHT THE ROCK FIGHT OH MY GOD

THESE LOSERS ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF THOSE SHITBAGS BUT THEY SEE ANOTHER LOSER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THROW R O C K LIKE FUCK YEAH YOU FUCNKY LITTLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STAND UP FOR YOUR FELLOW BULLIED I LOVE MIKEY SO M7CH OH MY GOD

__

so between the 2 movies we realized it wasnt on netflix and went on various websites to watch the 2nd movie, got progressively angrier until i got my laptop and just watched it blindly because we are both blind

--

okay heres the tea yall

they completely erased bev's character in the 2nd movie. in the first it was emphesized SO MUCH just how brave she was compared to the others. she took the first step, she wasnt afraid to go into the house she fought her abusive dad and in the 2nd movie it was all gone. i really liked the fact that bev wqsnt a damsel in distress until in the 2nd movie she was. while in the 1st movue you forgot that gender roles existed in the 2nd it really seemed like they wrote bev as a "woman" rather than "bev" you dig me??? okay rant over. basically fuck the 2nd movie bev and im not just saying this because her 1st movie actor made me realize i was a lesbian. on to the movie

oh mY GOD HOMOSEXUALS??? WILL THEY HAVE A PART IN THIS STORY OH MY IM SO EX- oh. right. oh hey theres mikey :D

___

me: who's this??

mom: its bill look, its his surname

me:

me: you remember bill's surname but not richie or ben's names?

---

oh theyre all grown up!! oh bevs fighting an abusive man again and uh

___

mom: i have a feeling stans gonna kill himself

me: hah can you imagi

---

STANLEY??? BABEY BOY OH NO???? and also are we gonna let the spider with the baby head thing pass?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DONT REMEMBER ANYTHI-

"this is like a virus its been eating us for 27 years!" YEA MIKEY ITS CALLED PTSD YOU FOUGHT A FUCKING DEMON AND DIDNT SEE A THERAPIST????

also the whole tribe thing seemed really out of story and like it didnt belong there at all? idk maybe its just me but i dont wanna believe that bill's 3rd eye opened after he got drugged by his friend idk

so like hightlights because ive got many rants about the 2nd movie

what the fuck do you mean bev got out of jer specilized hell after ben recited 1 fucking poem are you kidding me are yOU FUCKING KIDDING ARE WE REALLY DOING THE SAVED BY LOVE BULLSHIT AGAIN OH OKAY

OH OKAY FUCK YOU

SO BEV GETS SAVED IN THE FIRST MOVIE AFTER BEN KISSES HER WHEN AT THE TIME HE PRIBABLY THOUGHT LOVE WAS AT ITS PEAK WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR 2ND GRADE CRUSH A BADLY WRITTEN POEM

AND UFKCING HELL IT HAPPENS IN THE 2ND MOVIE TOO??? DOES PENNYWISE JUST THINK "oh these bitches hetero bettet keep them alive" BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WOULD ALL BE OKAY IF

IF

IF EDDIE LIVED TOO

FUCK I RELATE TO RICHIE SO MUCH??? HIS FIGHT WITH HIS PEERS AND HIS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF OVER HIS YEARS LASTING CRUSH ON EDDIE?? OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS GAY AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL THE 2ND MOVIE WHEN HE HAS A BREAKDOWN BECAHSE HIS SOULMATE GETS STABBED BY HOMOPHOBIC FORTNITE DANCING CLOWN WHILR HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMA DN THEN FUCKIN G DIES EVEN THOUGHT THESE 2 IDIOTS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY THAN BILL+BEV AND BEN+BEV COMBINED OH MY GOD IM SO MAD THE HETEROS GET TO LIVE BY TRUE LOVE BUT THE GAYS DONT AND UG G H H G G HH "hes dead" NO HE FUCKING IS NOT THIS ISNT FAIR I LOVED EDDIE SO MUCH

well uh now that we got my love for richie on papet um

the lake scene

i cried and i had to watch heteros kiss underwater while wiping my tears. its only cool when percabeth does it guys

the lake scene aside i full on BAWLED LIKE A BABY at the ending because i felt so bad that stan died already and i felt bad that not only was richie facing years if bullying and homophobia anf the loss of his friends it finally is confirmed that richie had a crush on eddie and i

i just cried man? it hurt me so much as it weighed on me how many jokes richie made, how scared he was when he saw the missing paper of himself, his flashbacks to people calling him names, his speech to eddie and that he had to get dragged out because this fucker obviously couldnt let go of his feelings. and between all of that and stan's letter my brain blocks out everything and focuses on one

R + E

oh my god

OH MY GOD NO

NOW i dont really like watching movies. as a writer myself im really critical of everything involving the world building, the characters, the plot and all that jazz and usually the acting is so bad that i dont feel for the characters but THIS ONE. T H I S O N E

my mom turned to me and was SO SHOCKED to see my flat out CRYING because i just dont do that man, and she just asked my what made me cry and i just made a noise like "hhhnnnn" and she nodded and went "richie's love story" and i, still crying, went "hhhnnnn" but in a higher pitch

and im just so mad? that eddie didnt get to live?? we didnt get an "i love you" or even a "im gay" from richie??? we didnt get to see them holding hands and letting go of their trauma together and being gay and happy yet

yet the fucking bad-writer-white-boy and boo-hoo-i-had-no-friends and not-bev get happy endings??? mike can get a happy ending because he is a well thought out character

thESE 3 ON THE OTHER HAND OH MY GOD

bill had to change his endings which really makes me angry because ima writer yada yada

bill has been bullied his uh what whole life? he got told his opinion didnt matter and from what i remember even his parents shut down his ideas and i feel like he should have made the endings how he wanted instead of changing to what the public wanted. thats what he defended as a kid, thats why he was in the losers club unwilling to change, because they were losers. yet he changed.

ben should have stayed fat or at least have abnornal weight because that also defeats his story with bev. it makes it seem that suddenly and magically when ben is hot bev can BEGIN to consider that she loves him.

i already ranted about bev.

mike is decent i guess? i like that he didnt stay with whoever the fuck that was in the first movie because he seemed very aggreasive to me. im glad the chose to research into pennywise because others were too stupid not to (RICH AND EDDIE GET A PASS AGAIN BECAUSE THEY SHARE HALF A BRAINCELL AND I LOVE THEM)

well stan is just tragic

___

me: who the fuck is afraid of spiders why do they keep showing up

mom: its stan?

mom: he brought the hair things and all

me, about to cry: oh m y god

---

so TL;DR: we really liked the first film! the acting, the plot, the creepiness is overall better and you get to relate to a bunch of Losers who get abused by their parents

the 2nd film doesnt exist. i refuse to acknowledge it exist EXCEPT for the ending where stan writes a letter about how he would like to meet hks friends again while BREATHING and richie and eddie carve their initials on a piece of wood and get to be gay.

if your name starts with B your opinion is invalid in the 2nd movie

also can anybody give me fanfics where the fortnite dancing clown doesnt exist and richie goes to therapy to heal from the bullying and once he gets over his homophobia he gays with eddie??? specific i know but im willing to write it if it doesnt exist

[skzchuu-blog]

minsung ↬ the parents

word count: 1376 words

point of view: third person

genre: angst, romance, slight fluff

group: stray kids (skz)

member: lee minho, han jisung

pairing: lee minho x han jisung (minsung)

storyline: in which lee minho and han jisung try to convince their parents to let them date.

warnings: homophobic mentions/applications

a/n: okay first of all, I don't know their parents and im sure theyre wonderful people.

Happy birthday Minho, thank you so much for existing~

"Minho~, are you ready yet?" Jisung asks knocking on the door to the boys bedroom.

"No, not yet!" Minho yells back from the other side of the door, mentally cursing his boyfriend for being so impatient but he knew Jisung couldn't help but complain, he got bored easily.

"It's been 10 minutes already~." He drags out his words, admitting to his annoyance. Minho sighs, Jisung is right. Minho simply didn't want to see his parents again, not in the slightest. In fact, Minho had been stalling himself, telling himself that “His hair didn't look perfect enough,” or “He didn’t look proper enough to have his parents see him like this,” that he hadn't even realized how much time had passed. He hadn't done anything special to his appearance in the first place, he looked the same, going over the same old parts of his hair, and putting the same shirts back on. He had been playing a game with himself ever since he planned having a meal with his parents and Jisung. His boyfriend had thought of the brilliantt  idea of having dinner at his parents house to show them how perfect the two of them are together. He dropped the brush and the hair spray from his shaky hands, walking out his bedroom, greeted by his impatient boyfriend, who pulled him to the car without any words exchanged. Minho entered in the driver's seat while Jisung sat on the driver's seat next to him. 

The problem is Minho’s parents have never been the most cultured people in the world. He made Jisung completely aware of this a year ago when they had started secretly dating. He was more fortunate than others, his parents were not belittling, but they were not accepting either. They made racist and homophobic jokes on occasion and made Minho feel terrible about himself and his sexuality. Jisung didn't know this of course, otherwise Jisung would have never asked Minho to do this.

When Minho asked Jisung out he didn't even think about the situation he was in, he was so excited to be with him that he found himself jumping at the idea, delighted to be able to call Jisung his. Minho still has yet to tell his parents, it would be announced to them for the first time tonight. Bloody hell., was he scared.

His palms were sweating and his knees were weak. He felt like nothing would be the same if he told Jisung, or if he didn't tell him and he found out about his situation tonight but still he didn't say anything. He simply kept his lips pursed and told himself everything would be okay. They had worked too hard to stay together and he hoped after this, they would only work harder, or maybe even stay the same. He hoped nothing would go to waste. Minho would never want that to happen. He wanted to be happy, He wanted Jisung to happy, she wanted them to be happy.

When Minho met his  family they had treated him so wonderfully. He had felt like one of their very own children. They had told him funny stories, fed him all the food in the house, and even gave him flowers and chocolates to take back home. He was so ashamed that he had to doubt his parents would do the same for Jisung. He had no idea whether or not Jisung’s experience would be anything like his.

As they grew closer to his parents house Minho could feel himself going frozen cold, tears starting to well up in the corners of his eyes. Quickly, he soaked them up with his hands. Jisung had been looking though, there was no hiding it now. “You’re scared now, aren't you?’ Jisung says, his eyes looking sincere. Minho didn't dare look over at him though, he kept his eyes on the road, knowing if he looked at his boyfriends beautiful face he would break down. Still, he nodded. “Don't be scared, MinMin. I can handle it even if they hate my guts.” He smiles brightly, slipping his hands into Minho’s hand that laid on the hand rest. “We’ll be together forever.”

Minho could feel a smile creeping at the corners of his mouth, thankful to have such an amazing man in his life, even if he was still hesitant. Minho pulled into the driveway, finally having the courage to look over at Jisung. Now, he didn't feel like he needed to worry, he felt that he needed to be confident. Simply from the sound of Jisung’s voice and the feeling of his hands in his.

Minho pulled the brake, turning off the car. The two allowed themselves to get out the car by letting go of each others hands. They practically ran back towards each other, latching their hands again. They walked up the driveway, knocking on the front door. Almost immediately the door opened.

“Minho!” His mom cheers excitedly. She seemed happy to see her son after so long. Minho smiled, greeting his mom back happily. He could feel Jisung pulling his hand away but Minho only held it tighter. His hand was the only thing keeping him calm in that moment. His mother let them in and they entered proudly, making eye contact with each other for almost a second, before looking away shyly. His parents looked at each other curiously at the new aura that had entered their home, undoubtedly noticing their son holding hands tightly with another boy.

They seemed to ignore it, Minho’s father ushering them into the dining room to sit down. The two love birds sat next to each other, his father sitting across from him, whilst his mother walked into the kitchen.

Quickly, his father started to make small talk. Conversating about the recent football game, the weather, anything he could think of. Jisung had versed himself in both the mother’s and the father’s interested and even became interested in some of the things they liked. Such as cooking and sports so he easily blended in, even better than Minho.

Minho had really got himself a smooth talker.

Soon enough, his mother came in with the food, placing it on the table. “Dig in.” She tells everyone, allowing the three men to stuff their faces as she removed her apron.

“Ms.Lee, did you use extra flour in this flour?” Jisung asks. His mothers eyes widened at his observation skills.

“I did! How did you know? Does it stand out that much, is it bad?” She asks.

“No! No!” Jisung tells her. “Its great! You really have great taste in your food and wonderful cooking skills!” He smiles brightly making Minho’s mother smile as well. What a happy virus.

‘Wow, I'm impressed.” She says happily. His father shakes his head with a smile, happy to have a wife who cooks so well.

The meal went on and Jisung continued to impress the parents of his boyfriend before eventually the dinner table went silent. Finally, another topic was brought up, surprisingly, by Minho himself.

“Mom, Dad.” Minho says with a deep breath. He earned hums from each of the older adults stuffing their faces. “Can I tell you something important?”

His mom swallowed her food, feeling the seriousness of this situation. “Of course son.” His father nods, giving him an insuring look.

Minho looked down at his plate of food. “I don't have a girlfriend, I lied.” He tells them.

“What? Why did you lie? Tha-” He cut his father off before he could on.

“Its a boy. I'm dating Jisung.”

They looked at their son. What had he said? They looked between the two boys sitting across from them, both avoiding eye contact. They seemed hesitate to say anything. His mom nudged his dad to say something. “... Well … do you love each other?” The boys nodded. “Then I guess it's okay?” His dad says, questioning his own words. He had not believed what he was saying but Jisung was a good boy, and his son could never do wrong. They were trying and that's all that mattered to his father. His parents looked at each other spectacle, at least they were trying to understand. That's all they could want. Thank you for trying.

[bazzledazzled]

I’m a disaster and I’m putting off writing so I came up with headcanons for if my OCs from my three current novels met up, what would happen. 

Katie, Auryn, Mark, and Annie start a “short people club” with a sub group of “short people with tall gfs” for Katie and Auryn 

Nobody knows what they do in there. Maybe they talk about their gfs/bfs. Maybe they plot world domination. Maybe its just a hyped up book club. Who knows?

Also theres a book club

Katie, Auryn, Mark, Annie, Ely, and Kaiden are in it. It’s called Five Gays and the Hetero

Hannah and Jay feel like BIG third wheels and end up bonding over being asexual

It actually becomes a joke between them that whenever one of the others is making out with their gf/bf Jay or Hannah will take a selfie in front of them with a funny face

Katie, Alek, Annie, Alex, Jay, Riley, and Steve literally have a blast with the others because theyre all from fantasy universe and they have no idea what anything is

One time Damon/Auryn actually said “Road work ahead? I sure hope it does” when they passed a road work sign and Alek, Riley, and Annie laughed for three days straight

The funniest part was they havent even seen the vine

Alek about Auryn and Idris: Katie loookkk. They’re literally me if my personality was split into two people and started dating

Idris watching Alek give Katie her jacket cuz shes cold: I can feel my teeth falling out

Katie: I’m cold

Alek: Here take my jacket

Auryn, turning to Idris: I’m cold

Idris: You are literally the reason its cold control your mcfreaking powers

Damon/Annie and Idris/Auryn literally hating each other at first because they’re so similar

Riley, Ely, Damon, and Annie all collectively agreeing that Mark is hot

Damon, Alek, Idris, and Steve all being bi disasters

Alek: Wait if we were in a horror movie would that mean Annie would get killed off even though she’s straight because she’s the minority?

Kaiden, Ely, and Riley bonding over homophobic parents :/

Kaiden: Oh you know I would have a boyfriend if someone wrote the second book of beyond the pages

hahahahahahahha *cries*

Katie: Alek I’m gay for Idris and Auryn. 

Alek: Big Mood

OOh just for fun-- ocs in a haunted house

*katie hides behind alek* Alek, smiling: It’s okay love there’s nothing to be-- *something jumps out at them* HOLY MOTHER OF *string of swear words as Alek yeets herself out of there*

*something jumps out at auryn* Auryn: *is unfazed* I’m dead inside

Idris: *gets so scared she accidentally sets something on fire*

Mark: *pokes someone pretending to be a ghost* you’re not dead

Annie and Damon argue the whole time about who protects who but the moment something jumps out at them they hide behind Kaiden who is absolutely stone faced

Riley and Steve are lowkey scared of Auryn and Kaiden because they just.... they dont even flinch how is that even possible??

Hannah tries to make friends with the actors

*something jumps out at jay* Jay: Ah! I could’ve dropped my croissant!!

Alek and Annie both just start cackling

Alek and Annie are honestly memes

Also Ely once they introduce memes to him

Same with Damon

Also Ely would walk into the haunted house and literally be like “I came her to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now” 

Riley and Steve run ahead to try and scare the others

Okay idk what else lol 

I honestly am the only person getting anything from this at the most y’all probably only know who Katie and Alek are lol

[tumblunni]

Man, god, im just suddenly thinking about "ak/ur/oku" and like.. How the fuck did that even become such a huge thing in early 2000s fandom? Dear god so much early gay shipping in fandom was super unhealthy "sinful" bullshit made by straight people for fetishy purposes rather than genuine representation. But a/kurok/u was such a weird one because it was like.. Just globally accepted and never aknowledged to be problematic?? Man i still remember how lil 13 year old me didnt know there was anything wrong with it, like seriously when stuff like this becomes popularized it ends up sending bad messages to actual queer youth. Learning about your sexuality via the internet cos there's no sex ed irl for you, abd you end up stumbling into toxic fandoms before you have the critical thinking skills necessary to know that this stuff is bad and shouldnt be imitated. Like seriously one of the things i worry about EVERY NIGHT AT 2AM THAT KEEPS ME FROM SLEEPING is that stupid lil 15 year old me made a post on deviantart going like "are pedophiles really all bad? I mean it sounds like an illness. I mean maybe theyre just scared and they want help." Like im terrified constantly that someone will find that old thing and judge me as if i still believe that apologist crap, or as if it was actually an opinion i formed from a fully developed mind, rather than from a kid who (as far as i knew) had never met a pedophile, thinking about pedophiles in the abstract, while being influenced by fuckin pedophile-dominated fandoms and having NO IDEA. and of cooooourse i wanted to believe that i was mature for my age, i thought that was a compliment.. Uuuuugh...

Sorry, going a little offtopic there.

But anyway isnt it kinda weird how akur/oku was just.. Not even regarded as pedophilia? And when i was a kid it wasnt just me not understanding the gross parts of the fandom, i legit never thought axel was that much older than roxas. And it was one of the more popular gay ships cos at that point as far as we knew it was the only person axel had any sort of backstory with, and he cared so much about this guy that he was willing to sacrifice his life to help sora even when he knew roxas would never come back. At the time without further context it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make? And it wasnt until Days that i realized axel was intended to be an adult rather than a teenager, and even worse A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT SHIPPING ART KNEW THAT. Uuugh it was so gross in retrospect to go back and see all the clues i missed that these people were fetishizing roxas's inexperience and veey much writing him as underage. AAAAAAA!

Anyway im glad that shit is now recognized as shit and now we have canon evidence of this dude being old as balls. And honestly i love the relationship of him as a big brother/dad to roxas and xion a lot more, even though as a kid i was desperate for any kind of queer representation in kh. Like.. I never really actually liked the ship that much or felt any chemistry? I just latched onto a few bad writing flubs that could potentially be interpreted as Gay Evidence because i was SO damn desperate! Like i felt like i had to support all these gross abusive ships in fandom cos if i wasnt then i was being 'homophobic', i mean they were THE ONLY AVAILABLE OPTIONS, right? :( Its only now ive grown up i can see how wrong that was, and how people just used it as an excuse to make gross shit and get away with it. Like how in Black Butler all these 'yaoi fangirls' kept erasing the rarest of rare things, a canon trans woman, because 'its sexier if its gay'. Ughhhh. And seriously that discourse still exists for poor Grell, and there's still a lot of these shitty bigoted people pretending to be allies, but like seriously this was EVERYWHERE in 2005! And lgbt rights and even lgbt communities at all were way smaller and less available to the poor teenagers who really needed that positive influence while they were figuring out who they are. So man the abusive side of yaoi fandom was WAY more powerful, and wya more.mainstream, with barely any criticism. And the whole content of this fandom was creepy fuckin adults making pedo porn, and kids who just discovered they were queer and tried to headcanon their favourote characters as being like them. Fucking predator heaven! So yeh that ruined KH for me and definately made me scared of returning to Black Butler for almost a decade. And then i found out that the manga itself has none of that pedo shit and that one of the fandom's biggest abusive gay man archetypes was actually a trans woman this entire time, and just gahhhhh....

Also like seriously this is a tad offtopic but can we kill the anime trope of either everyone looking young or everyone looking old? Or creepy things where just one character looks the wrong age in order to fetishize pedophilia? I dont think kingdom hearts was one of those intentional ones, like i mean there's super bad shit where its like 'this 5 year old looking person is really 9000 years old/actually 18 and just hasnt had their growth spurt yet' (somehow its even more insulting when theres not even a magical excuse) Or the other way around and we have a character thats canonically underage but drawn looking sexually mature with big ol knockers so its somehow okay. The existence of those horrible things is why i end up feeling uncomfortable even seeing ambiguous ages as just a trope in completely innocent anime, yknow? Like in pokemon and digimon all the 10 year old protagonists are exactly the same height as all the adults, and all the female love interests for ash have to be early bloomers in terms of chest and hips, while notably Iris is the only one who actually looks her age and also the first non love interest. Its another reason why i prefer the new art style for the latest season, they make everyone look like kids and Lillie continues to look like a kid even though she's the main girl and has all the cute scenes with Ash. The girls even got very normal looking kiddy swimsuits in the beach episode! Why is that so uncommon, to find the bare minimum thing of underage kids not being sexualized at the beach??

Soooooo yeah, thats at least part of why kid me thought axel and roxas were within a similar age range. Like i thought roxas was maybe 16 and axel was 18?? Somehow?? I dont even know, kingdom hearts isnt even SUPER bad with the 'kids look like older teens,all adults look like age 20 at the most' anime syndrome. Its probably more because id been raised on games and anime that followed that trope, before i played kh. And as a kid you just dont really know the exact differences between 'old', like i mean i knew teenagers were tall and boys get a growth spurt, so somehow it made sense to me that axel could be the same age as roxas?? And man even if i knew he wasnt, i was barely educated at all about pedophilia and i didnt know the nuances of it. I just knew 'its bad for adults to marry kids' like man i was really behind the curve in general learning due to my undiagnosed autism and abusive parenting so like HERE'S 12 YEAR OLD ME NOT EVEN THINKING ABOUT THE SEX ASPECT. And i didnt know that adults in relationships with teenagers was bad too, or like 16/17 year old teens dating kids... I was so fuckin dumb... I really cant believe that not only did i believe stupid adults saying 'pedophilia isnt bad if you're non offending, its okay to make cartoon child porn as long as you dont physically abuse real kids' but also i somehow just DID NOT EVER REALIZE that axel was an adult and roxas wasnt even a goddamn older teen...

So yeh im making a lot of excuses for why my stupid younger self was blindly parroting bullshit, but im not trying to excuse how goddamn wrong and bad it was. I still wake up ashamed in the middle of the night for crapoy decisions i made as a dumb kid, and in terrified that some shreds of it might still exist out there on the internet and maybe someone else could read it?! Gahhhh! Seriously could i have accidentally helped spread that bullshit brainwashing to other kids? And seriously when people say this shit is harmless they just need to look at this, look at how being into problematic yaoi is such a common 'phase' for ACTUAL CHILDREN. Like its not fuckin NATURAL for kids to fall into this stuff, they do it because they dont know any better but the people making the goddamn founding blocks of the fandom are fuckin grown women fetishizing gay men or grown men fetishing lesbians. There's people who do know better who actually conciously decide that a/kurok/u is a good ship while knowing all the goddamn details of what it actually is and exactly what theyre supporting by shipping it. Ughhhhh!

So yeh fuckin Please Stay Safe In Fandom, Kids

And pedophiles have absolutely none of my sympathy, please ignore that goddamn shit i wrote as a little kid being fuckin groomed by a fandom without even knowing it.

This also applies a lot to the rest of LGBT+ aside from just gay shipping, like seriously it took me til age 18 to find any positive representation of trans people or even a proper explanation of what being trans is, yet before i was even 8 years old i'd seen a million 'lol gross man in a dress who gets sexual gratification from wearing women's underwear' jokes in kids shows. And when i was 12 i'd already been exposed to the fuckin hell of m/pre/g thanks to its prevelance of untagged n/sf/w shit in the kh fandom. And by age 15 i'd been exposed to pedophile apologists arguing whether child porn was okay if they only got off to that and didnt personally abuse that kid with their own hands. All of that shit but actually learning about homosexuality and gender in sex ed would have been 'too much' for someone my age...

God what a fuckin mess. Fuck im really really fuckin worried that any of my ignorant comments at those ages could have been read by other ignorant kids and contributed to that disgusting fandom atmosphere. Fuck i think about this so damn often im so damn ashamed of how ignorant i used to be yet i know the adult fuckfaces making pedo shit never reel one lick of shame any damn day of their life. I used to excuse their shit as an actual kid cos i just ASSUMED they would be ashamed and want to seek help! Gahhhh..

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind