#but like. realistically i will never use it much because polaroid films are way more expensive AND not accessible where i live

[protect-namine]

I saw a video where someone said that (if you're doing photography as a hobby, not as a career) the camera that makes you want to take more pictures and want to use that camera all the time is the best camera to buy, and for most people that might not be the most expensive, decked out camera out there.

and that advice really applies to most things, doesn't it? anyway, much like how I basically always turn to marie kondo's "does this spark joy?" question when it comes to Things, the above lesson is something that I think I'll take as a guiding principle whenever I'm spending hours on youtube watching product reviews because I want to buy a Thing but I don't know what model of the Thing I want to buy.

yes the Thing looks cool, but will it actually make me want to do [reason I'm buying the Thing for] more frequently? will it make me fall in love with the process of Using The Thing?

[marsgalaxias]

if you like friends to lovers yearning here's a little writing piece I did

'I frequently have such vivid, realistic dreams where my brain throws together what I call a perfect little mind salad. The perfect person. Someone caring, gentle, funny, soft, sweet. When I wake up, there’s this terrible, terrible feeling in my chest. That perfect person is torn from me, and I’m left with the bitter reality that no, no one has loved me like that. I spend all day reflecting and mourning that dream, that person. What hurts the most is the fact that I cannot see their face after I wake up, I can barely recall it once I stir. And so I mourned for someone I never knew, who never lived.

Last night felt like one of those dreams. So perfect that I was scared that as soon as I left the moment, I would never return. I’d wake up in my bed and realize that no, they did not exist, and I was truly losing my mind. But I woke up today and I went to school, and there they were, in the flesh. For once there was no need for a funeral.

I don’t typically connect well with people. I’m able to get an instant sense when I’ve run into someone who I know I will get along with. It was like that with them, that intuitive feeling that this stranger who I tracked down on the internet would be important. I just wanted to acquaint myself with people who would be in my class, and they happened to be one of the first I stumbled upon.

Even more rarely do I feel that I am completely alone with someone. Very rarely do I block out everything else but the person I’m with. But with them, that’s exactly what happened. Nothing existed outside of the now, in those moments. I can still recall the fine details, the way their messy hair flipped about in the wind, the green boxed flannel they wore, the rings on their hands as they gripped the steering wheel, the soup they ordered from panera, what songs they softly played in the background.

I will be honest, I was not picturing a small bridge when I imagined what we would get up to that day, rather a dock. However, that's still eerily similar. How it lined up so perfectly. I shot a few polaroids, and then I sat back and we chatted. But there was still so much distance between us. I hate it, the way I’m so eager for their presence. So I laid down, knowing it was only natural for them to follow. Slowly, as the sun sank further, we grew closer. I have never had the chance to meet someone so genuine, honest, open. From a foot apart, to shoulder to shoulder, my legs eventually bent up and resting against theirs, absentmindedly fiddling with their hands while they felt mine. By the time we had to leave, I found our faces only inches apart. And they curved a hand around my cheek, holding me like I was paper, like I was too delicate to truly grasp, lest they harm me, but they had to keep me from blowing into the breeze.

It was too early for a kiss, and I think we both knew that, but I think we both dearly craved for our flesh to connect. Their thumb brushed my lips, the closest they could get to them now. When we finally pried ourselves from the wooden boards, I clung to them. They clung to me. I was so scared to let go, to let this energy go. I was scared to wake up.

I’ve rewound the film in my head, over and over. I played it while I muttered my choir lyrics, while my English teacher droned on, while my friend babbled about some dumb assignment. I’ve found myself reaching my hand up to my face, to re-feel what they felt, because I am too scared to love them like that openly. I wish I wasn’t, but I’m so scared. Scared that I’m wrong, that they don't actually care that much, that I’m being tugged along by someone who will discard me in the end, because words seem to mean shit to anyone else. Time after time of being left by people who I would have died for, I’m so scared to go through that all again. To plan more funerals.

I’m so deep into this already. I’ve lost my appetite. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve lost focus. I have been infatuated with people before, but it’s never been this bad. I wonder how they would feel, knowing all that I’m going through because on that bridge I refused to sit how friends sit.

“And I know you’re scared, well I’m scared too, but everytime I try to make lunch for someone else, in my head I end up dreaming of you. And you come to me, good morning,” you sang as I weaved my hand through the wind out the window. You’d sworn that the chorus was good, to be patient, and apologized if it was a song I disliked. Now I sit here and I play it on loop, because as I write, the film is becoming blurry. I’m scared I’m waking up like I thought I would. And you’re off playing with your friends, and I know I shouldn’t panic, I know I shouldn’t rotate around you, but I can’t keep my mind off of it. I’m so scared that if I don’t keep watching the film, I’ll lose it. And so I’m still watching. I’m still watching us tip toe around the topic we both are internally begging to discuss. I’m watching us silently explore how the other person makes us feel. I’m watching someone touch me with one of the purest forms of love I think I have ever experienced. I’m watching a dream.

But it’s not, and I know that, but it may as well be. We’ll never discuss it, especially not at school. This tightrope we’re walking is very, very fine. I tremble with each step, and you hold me as if to promise I won’t fall, but we don’t say a word to each other.

“I get lost, I freak out, you come home and hold me tight as if it never happened at all.”

Can you sense my desperation? My fear?

“Show me the place where he inserted the blade.”

Perhaps that’s a story for another star gazing session.

“Good morning.”

Good morning. Am I still dreaming?'

(the song referenced is The Place Where He Inserted The Blade by Black Country, New Roads)

[flufffysocks]

let's talk about andi mack's worldbuilding

sorry this took forever to make! i've been pretty busy with school stuff and i kind of lost my inspiration for a bit, but i ultimately really enjoyed writing it! i wish i could've included more pics (tumblr has a max of 10 per post), and it kinda turned from less of a mini analysis to more of an extremely long rant... but i hope it's still a fun read!

i've been rewatching the show over the past few weeks (thanks again to @disneymack for the link!), and i’ve been noticing a lot that i never did the first time around. this is really the first time i’ve watched the show from start to finish since it aired, and it honestly feels so different this time - probably a combination of the fact that i’m not as focused on plot and can appreciate the show as a whole, and also that the fandom is much, much smaller now, so there’s a lot less noise. so the way i’m consuming this show feels super different than it did the first time, but the show itself doesn’t - it’s just as warm and comforting to me as it was the first time around, if not more so.

i think a lot of that can be attributed to andi mack’s “worldbuilding”. i’m not quite sure that this is the right word in this context, to be honest, because i mostly see it used in reference to fantasy and sci-fi universes, but it just sort of feels right to me for andi mack, because you can really tell how much love and care went into constructing this universe. for clarity, worldbuilding is “the process of creating an imaginary world” in its simplest sense. there’s two main types: hard worldbuilding, which involves inventing entire universes, languages, people, cultures, places, foods, etc. from scratch (think “lord of the rings” or “dune”), and soft worldbuilding, in which the creators don’t explicitly state or explain much about the fictional universe, but rather let it’s nature reveal itself as the story progresses (think studio ghibli films). andi mack to me falls in the soft worldbuilding category. even though it takes place in a realistic fiction universe, there’s a lot of aspects to it that are inexplicably novel in really subtle ways.

so watching the show now, i’ve noticed that the worldbuilding comes primarily from two things - setting and props, and oftentimes the both of them in tandem (because a big part of setting in filmmaking does depend on the props placed in it!).

one of the most obvious examples is the spoon. it really is a sort of quintessential, tropic setting in that it's the main gang's "spot", which automatically gives it a warm and homey feel to it. and its set design only amplifies this:

the choice to make it a very traditional 50s-style diner creates a very nostalgic, retro feel to it, which is something that's really consistent throughout the show, as you'll see. from the round stools at the bar, to the booths, to the staff uniforms, this is very obvious. the thing that i found especially interesting about it though is the choice of color. the typical 50s diner is outfitted with metallic surfaces and red accented furnishings, but the spoon is very distinctly not this.

instead, it's dressed in vibrant teal and orange, giving it a very fresh and modern take on a classic look. so it still maintains that feeling of being funky and retro, but that doesn't retract from the fact that the show is set distinctly in modern times.

of course, this could just be a one-off quirky set piece, but this idea of modernizing and novelizing "retro" things is a really common motif throughout the show. take red rooster records. i mean, it's a record shop - need i say more? it's obviously a very prominent store in shadyside, at least for the main characters, but there's no apparent reason why it is (until season 2 when bowie starts working there, and jonah starts performing there). a lot of the time, though, it functions solely as a record shop. vinyl obviously isn't the most practical or convenient way of listening to music, but it's had its resurgence in pop culture even in the real world, mostly due to its aesthetic value, so it's safe to say that it serves the same purpose in the andi mack universe.

the fringe seems to be nostalgic of a different era, specifically the Y2K/early 2000s period (because it's meant to be bex's territory and symbolic of who she used to be, and its later transformation into cloud 10 is representative of her character arc, but that's beside the point). to be honest, exactly what this store was supposed to be always confused me. it was kind of a combination party store/clothing store/makeup store/beauty parlor? i think that's sort of the point of it though, it's supposed to feel very grunge-y and chaotic (within the confines of a relatively mellow-toned show, of course), and it's supposed to act as a sort of treasure chest of little curios that both make the place interesting and allow the characters to interact with it.

and, of course, there's andi shack. this is really the cherry on top of all of andi mack's sets, just because it's so distinctly andi. it serves such amazing narrative purpose for her (ex. the storyline where cece and ham were going to move - i really loved this because it highlights its place in the andi mack universe so well, and i'm a sucker for the paper cranes shot + i'm still salty that sadie's cranes didn't make it into the finale) and it's the perfect reflection of andi's character development because of how dynamic it is (the crafts and art supplies can get moved around or switched out, and there's always new creations visible).

going back to the nostalgia motif though, the "shack" aspect of it always struck me as very treehouse-like. personally, whenever i think of treehouses, there's this very golden sheen of childhood about it, if that makes sense. i've always seen treehouses in media as a sort of shelter for characters' youthful innocence and idealistic memories. for example, the episode "up a tree" from good luck charlie, the episode "treehouse" from modern family, and "to all the boys 2" all use a treehouse setting as a device to explore the character's desire to hold onto their perfect image of their childhood (side note: this exact theme is actually explored in andi mack in the episode "perfect day 2.0"!). andi shack is no exception to this, but it harnesses this childhood idealism in the same way that it captures the nostalgia of the 50s in the spoon, or the early 2000s in the fringe. it's not some image of a distant past being reflected through that setting; it's very present, and very alive, because it reflects andi as she is in the given moment.

some honorable mentions of more one-off settings include the ferris wheel (from "the snorpion"), the alley art gallery (from "a walker to remember"), SAVA, the color factory (from "it's a dilemna"), and my personal favorite, the cake shop (from "that syncing feeling").

[every time i watch this episode i want to eat those cakes so bad]

these settings have less of a distinctly nostalgic feel (especially the color factory, which is a very late 2010s, instagram era setting), but they all definitely have an aura of perfection about them. andi mack is all about bright, colorful visuals, and these settings really play to that, making the andi mack universe seem really fun and inviting, and frankly very instagrammable (literally so, when it comes to the color factory!).

props, on the other hand, are probably a much less obvious tool of worldbuilding. they definitely take up less space in the frame and are generally not as noticeable (i'm sure i'll have missed a bunch that will be great examples, but i'm kind of coming up with all of this off the top of my head), but they really tie everything together.

for example, bex's box, bex's polaroid, and the old tv at the mack apartment (the tv is usually only visible in the periphery of some shots, so you might not catch it at first glance) all complement that very retro aesthetic established through the settings (especially the polaroid and the tv, because there's really no good reason that the characters would otherwise be using these).

besides this, andi's artistic nature provides the perfect excuse for plenty of colorful, crafty props to amplify the visuals and the tone. obviously, as i discussed before, andi shack is the best example of this because it's filled with interesting props. but you also see bits of andi's (and other people's) crafts popping up throughout the show (ex. the tape on the fridge in the mack apartment, andi's and libby's headbands in "the new girls", walker's shoes, andi's phone case, and of course, the bracelet). not only does doing this really solidify this talent as an essential tenet of andi's character, but it also just makes the entirety of shadyside feel like an extension of andi shack. the whole town is a canvas for her crafts (or art, depending on how you want to look at it. i say it's both), and it immensely adds to shadyside's idealism. because who wouldn't want to live in a world made of andi mack's creations?

and, while it's not exactly a prop, the characters' wardrobe is undoubtedly a major influence on the show's worldbuilding. true to it's nature as a disney channel show, all of the characters are always dressed in exceptionally curated outfits of whatever the current trends are, making the show that much more visually appealing. i won't elaborate too much on this, because i could honestly write a whole other analysis on andi mack's fashion (my favorites are andi's and bex's outfits! and kudos to the costume designer(s) for creating such wonderful and in-character wardrobes!). but, i think it's a really really important aspect of how the show's universe is perceived, so it had to be touched upon.

[^ some of my favorite outfits from the show! i am so obsessed with andi's jacket in the finale, and i aspire to be at bex's level of being a leather jacket bisexual]

and lastly, phones. this is a bit of an interesting case (pun intended), because the way they're used fluctuates a bit throughout the show, but i definitely noticed that at least in the first season terri minsky tried to avoid using them altogether. these efforts at distancing from modern tech really grounds the show in it's idealist, nostalgia-heavy roots, so even when the characters start using their phones more later in the show, they don't alter the viewer's impression of the andi mack universe very much.

so, what does all of this have to do with worldbuilding? in andi mack's case, because it's set in a realistic universe and not a fantasy one, a lot of what sets it apart from the real world comes down to tone. because, as much as this world is based on our own, it really does feel separate from it, like an alternate reality that's just slightly more perfect than ours, which makes all the difference. it's the idealism in color and composition in andi mack's settings that makes it so unmistakably andi mack. even the weather is always sunny and perfect (which is incredibly ironic because the town is called shadyside - yes, i am very proud of that observation).

the andi mack universe resides somewhere in this perfect medium that makes it feel like a small town in the middle of nowhere (almost like hill valley in 1955 from "back to the future"), but at the same time like an enclave within a big city (because of its proximity to so many modern, unique, and honestly very classy looking establishments). it is, essentially, an unattainable dream land that tricks you into believing it is attainable because it's just real enough.

all this to say, andi mack does an amazing job of creating of polished, perfect world for its characters. this is pretty common among disney channel and nickelodeon shows, but because most other shows tend to be filmed in a studio with three-wall sets, andi mack is really set apart from them in that it automatically feels more real and tangible. it has its quintessential recurring locations, but it has far more of them (most disney/nick shows usually only have 3-4 recurring settings), and it has a lot more one-off locations. it's also a lot more considerate when it comes to its props, so rather than the show just looking garish and aggressively trendy, it has a distinctive style that's actually appropriate to the characters and the story. overall this creates the effect of expanding the universe, making shadyside feel like it really is a part of a wider world, rather than an artificial bubble. it's idealism is, first and foremost, grounded in reality, and that provides a basis for its brilliant, creative, and relatable storytelling.

tl;dr: andi mack's sets and props give it a very retro and nostalgic tone which makes its whole universe seem super perfect and i want to live there so bad!!

[paradox-psyc-hoe-sis]

Dating Bucky Barnes in secret would include...

Bucky Barnes x reader, avengers x reader (platonic), Steve Roger's x reader (platonic)

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: I can't really remember, insecurity, there are a few swears, fluff, general stuff like that. No smut :)

A/n: two posts in one day? Who is she. I was really determined to write these and it was quite enjoyable, hope ya'll like it - Aphrodite :D

• So. Much. Sneaking. Around.

• However, you and Buck were already really close before you started dating, so you got away with loads of suspicious stuff.

• For example, when it was avengers family movie night and you all decided to watch a film set in ww2, things got a bit too realistic for Bucky, so when he cuddled up next to you and you started playing with his hair, nobody batted an eyelid.

• Additionally, whenever any of the Avengers walked into the living room to see you asleep on the sofa, your head in Bucky's lap, they didn't give it a second thought. But you both knew you had to br careful with how much you let slip.

• Steve would totally know right from the start. He's known Bucky practically his entire life, so there was a definite change in his behaviour after he started dating you. He talked to Steve about you loads, and he caught Buck staring at you way too much. However, Steve only thought that Bucky had a crush on you, not that you were dating.

• You got Bucky a Polaroid camera for his birthday and he has never stopped taking photos of you since; he has photos of you mid-laugh, photos of you singing karaoke, photos of you in action. He keeps all of the Polaroid in a little box that you decorated for him.

• To help him with his anxiety, he keeps a diary. Every night, he records what happened in the day and hoe it made him feel. You knew about the diary, and you always wanted to see what he wrote about, but you understood that it's his privacy and you don't have the right to see it. He knew how badly you wanted to read it, too.

• So when your birthday came around, he didn't get you anything. All of the avengers gave you presents except for Bucky, which made everyone quite suspicious. To get everyone off his back, he claimed that he forgot when your birthday was. You knew that he had something in store for you later on, though.

• When you went to bed in the evening, you didn't go to your room but straight to Buck's. About ten minutes later he arrived, and he wasn't surprised to see you. He said that he had the worlds best present to give you.

• He sat down and handed you a present, wrapped in dark red paper. Once opening it, all you saw was a small, black leather bound notebook. What an awesome gift indeed.

• But it took you a second to realise that the notebook was his diary.

• "I finished it last night, and I've already bought a new one to start tonight. I really have no use for them once I finish them so I thought you-"

• When he looked up he saw you holding the book to your heart, tears streaming down your face. He thought you hated the gift, that you were expecting something so much better. But you reassured him that the diary was the best thing he could've ever given you.

• It took you a month to read, and you definitely had a favourite entry. February 14th, not only valentines day, but the day you both went on your first date. You agreed to go out and get coffee at a little cafe that you like downtown.

• When you first read it, you were watching TV with Steve in the living room.

• "Today Y/N and I had our first date. I met her at a cafe so we could get coffee. I was so scared that she'd realise how undeserving I am of somebody as good as her, but when I saw her walk through the door, it calmed all of my anxiety. She looked the most beautiful that I had ever seen her, and I regret being too scared to tell her that."

• When you read that, you burst into tears right on the spot. Steve had no idea what had happened, but after you put the notebook down, he gave you a big hug to calm you. He recognized the notebook, as he had seen bucky writing in it a lot, but he didn't say anything. He just held you. Steve's a legend.

• Coincidentally, after that happened, you and Bucky seemed to go on a lot more missions where you had to spend time together. [Thanks, Steve]

• A few days after you came back from a really long mission, everyone had a day off, so you both went out for dinner in the evening. It was the fanciest date that you both had been on; you wore a red silk dress, and he wore a suit and tie. After all, it was the fanciest restaurant in New York.

• Everything was going perfectly, until you noticed Tony and Pepper walk through the door. You and Bucky had never run as fast as you did when you saw them. So instead of getting dinner there, you both went to McDonalds.

• One evening, you were all sat in the living room after just finishing a board game. You were sat next to Bucky, and told him that you were going to bed. Forgetting that nobody knew about your relationship, you leaned in an gave him a small kiss on the lips.

• Steve chokEd on his coffee, I swear.

• Everyone stared at you, and you managed to convince them that you had just found out it was national 'kiss your coworker' day. Not wanting to seem biased, all eyes were on you as you walked around the room and gave everyone a tiny kiss. Steve decided he wanted to fuck with Bucky a bit, so when you went into the kitchen to give him a kiss, he grabbed you by the waist and kissed you for like, 10 seconds, you could feel Steve laughing into the kiss towards the end.

• Bucky was pissed, but couldn't bring it up with Steve because he thought he didn't know.

• Honestly, Bucky is a hoe for attention.

• When all of you are in a meeting or sat at the dinner table, he likes to put his hand on your thigh and trace circles with his thumb.

• His hands are always so cold, and you like to sandwich them in between your warm ones.

• Bucky always randomly brought you gifts. After you got back from a mission? Flowers. After he got back from a mission? Chocolates. Some days he'd just walk into your room and nonchalantly hand you a rose.

• You and Natasha hung out a lot in your room, so it was always a surprise to her when she saw a vase of tulips or roses on your desk.

• "Wow, who gave you those flowers?"

• "Uh, I bought them for myself. They just caught my eye when I walked past the florist."

• Intimacy was a special thing for Bucky. It was never just holding hands or hugging, but it was a really important thing for Bucky to be able to share with you. For a while, he was scared to touch you with his metal arm in fear of hurting you, but you loved holding his metal hand. His arm reminded him of the people he murdered and that repulsed him, but you were determined to change that. So you always held his metal hand, and gave it tiny kisses, maybe massaging it every now and again.

• Sometimes you spent the night in Buck's room. Not to do the nasty, or anything like that, but to just fall asleep in each other's arms with the reassurance that you have each other. But whenever you did this, he had to wake you up really early in the morning so you could go back to your room, just in case anybody came to your room to look for you and found you not there.

• Whenever he had a bad nightmare, he'd come to your room straight away. Lots of the time, you didn't wake up when he came in, and he was gone before you got up in the morning. But every now and again, you woke up to find him cuddling you. You loved it.

• Bucky was never too jealous, unless he knew that another guy was a definite threat. So when you and Steve had to go on an undercover mission and pretend you were married, Bucky didn't take it well.

• On the mission, Steve was reluctant to do any PDA. Although it was what you had to do, he couldn't find it in himself to kiss you or hold your hand. This means that you had to initiate all of it, and you really hated it. You'd much rather be doing all of this with Bucky, but Fury didn't trust him enough with an important mission like this.

• There was this one time where all of the avengers were on a really big mission, and you and Buck were the only ones left behind [thanks again, Stevie]. Taking advantage of this rarity, you both decided to take a shower together. You expected it to be really intimate and relaxing, but it was the opposite.

• "Bucky. Did you seriously just use up the only bit of shampoo I had left!?"

"Yeah, my hair is longer than yours and needs a very precise routine to get it's classic shine!"

[Thud]

"What the fuck, y/n!? Why did you throw your bottle of conditioner at me!?"

• You liked to train with Bucky, but it was annoying how he always let you win. Cute, sure, but you wanted to try and get there yourself.

• Bucky was really self conscious of his body. Yeah, the super soldier serum made him really buff, but he worried that you'd see him as a monster or a freak science experiment. You always reassured him about how handsome he was, and it meant a lot to him.

• You decided to tell the others on valentines day. It would be your 1 year anniversary, and you both knew that your relationship was serious. When you woke up on valentines day, Bucky came in and, with a bit of a struggle, blindfolded you.

• He walked you out into the living room and took the blindfold off, where you saw all of the avengers with party hats on.

• They all shouted surprise, and you were SO confused.

• Turns out, Bucky told them all the night before, and they had planned a day full of fun to make up for all of the time you had lost sneaking around.

• You both appreciated each other so much, and that's all that matters. You were madly in love.

[soundofseventeen]

13 Days of Christmas (Yoon Jeonghan)

Hi! Not much to say but I hope you enjoyed Erin’s update! And this is one of my favorites that I wrote! I’ll see y’all tomorrow! gif credits to owners!

Word count: 2699

“There it is,” you said, gently placing your fingertips against the glass, “Jeonghan’s Christmas present.” It was neither grandiose nor revolutionary but you could guarantee that that record player would light up his face the moment he saw it and it was worth it. You could already picture him buying a table specifically for that and his little collection of records happily on the side. You felt the goosebumps making their way across your body hearing Jeonghan’s vocals as he sang along to his favorite songs. 

Joshua, on the other hand, didn’t look too amazed. “It’s nice…Y/N, it’s really nice, but isn’t the price...a bit much?” He loved his friend, he really did but the thought of spending so much money on him was enough to haunt his daydreams. But then he figured that if ever found someone that would spend as many Christmases with him the way you and Jeonghan did, then maybe he’d understand. After all, you were already dating when he met Jeonghan, but he surprised himself when he saw he got along with you as well, being neighbors and all.

“Joshua...for Jeonghan, too much is never enough.”

“But when was the last time you bought something for yourself?”

You kicked your foot in the air to show him your kicks. “Uh, I bought these four months ago, remember?”

“Yes...I told you to either buy them or I would. You had to justify buying a new pair even though they had a hole on the toe.”

“Not everyone can inherit a family business, Mr. Show Off. Now, are you gonna help me wrap that thing when I get out of work?” You cleaned the prints with the sleeve of your sweater paw, ridding the smudge on the window. You tapped the pocket of the small zipper of your mini backpack, making sure you brought the money with you for the umpteenth time. All your tips and extra cash you had leftover went to the record player. And if the owners had a set schedule, you would’ve bought it and taken it home with you a long time ago. 

“And when are you getting your camera? Don’t you miss taking photos?’

“I can always wait for my next birthday or when I’m not drowning in debt.” You remembered all the unopened film you had at home.

So why are you buying something this expensive for Jeonghan?”

“He deserves it. He’s been working so many hours lately and even though he’s dead tired, he still makes time for me. Honestly, that over there-” you pointed to the antique, “-is nothing to compared to everything he’s done.”

“And you don’t work enough hours?” He had never seen a couple like you and Jeonghan, so young and in love and always putting each other first. It sickened him sometimes and he usually had to be realistic for the both of you. 

“Pfft, I’m pretty sure I’ve been slacking just to make sure I get by. That’s what happens when I decide to get sick..” you mumbled the last of your ranting so he wouldn’t hear you. Getting sick around this time of year hadn’t been an option and it still happened and it made you hate your immune system for making you suffer.

“Why not just move in with Jeonghan already to save costs? You’ve been together long enough.”

“I don’t think we’re ready for that yet,” you admitted. It’s not that the thought hadn’t crossed your mind before; it’s just that there were other things you wanted to do and get on your own before taking that next step.

“Okay so you spend all your money on him...and vice versa, you spend all your free time together, you pretty much spend weeks at each other’s places AND you’ve been together since the dawn of time...but no. Moving in together is too much of a commitment.”

“Oh hush before you make me late for work. Come on. I have annoying customers to attend to. Hopefully, they’ll be generous enough to leave me good tips.”

“‘Tis the season to be jolly,” he raised his coffee cup in a toast and sipped it.

*

“Isn’t she a beaut?” Jeonghan asked Seungcheol on his way to work. He sighed longingly at the Polaroid on display, wanting and wishing so desperately he’d be getting paid today just so could buy you your present right now.

“Very pretty,” he whistled. “I’m sure Y/N will love it.”

He nodded, still remembering the broken-hearted expression you had when you realized that you had forgotten it at the bus stop and he swore he’d buy you another one as soon as he could afford it. “I hope so. Y/N deserves all the good things in this world and I’ll try my hardest to make that happen.”

“You know I keep thinking that maybe one day you’ll realize that you’ll both be happy once you move in together.” 

“We’ve talked about it but we’re not ready for that.”

“So you’re just gonna settle for buying yet another ridiculously expensive present.”

“Y/N needs this. Trust me.”

“And I need someone to help me pay rent because living alone sucks.”

“Didn’t Soonyoung have an opening available?”

“You really want me to have a stroke, huh? Last time he had Seungkwan over at his place...I had to help him scrape noodles off the ceiling.” He frowned. “And Minghao wasn’t pleased about the food stains on his book, so I had to give him my copy.”

“New plan, get into a relationship.”

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to worry about all that shit.”

“I got lucky,” Jeonghan shrugged nonchalantly. He turned his attention back to the vintage camera. “That’ll prove it.” He had slowly been saving up for that Polaroid for you, stopping by weekly to give a downpayment, and with this week’s paycheck, you’d surely be getting it tonight.

“Man, you guys are gross,” Seungcheol gagged. “Making me feel lonely with my single ass. Let’s go, Romeo. Otherwise, the only thing you’ll be getting is a pink slip.”

“I really hate Soonyoung,” he grumbled. “He got to be one of Santa’s elves and I’m fucking Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.”

“And I’m a cashier who has to hear sob stories and threats over discounts that aren’t included with the shit they’re buying.” Jeonghan wasn’t sure if the tears were real or not, but he couldn’t blame him either way.

*

You walked out of the bathroom, still wondering how the smell of coffee made its way into your street clothes. You stuffed your uniform into your backpack, grateful to be out earlier than expected but trying not to think about how you were gonna make extra money before the rent. Tips weren’t too bad but you felt a little guilty for hoping for more. You’d find a way to manage; you always did. 

Your coworkers wished you a happy holiday, as well as thanking you for the gifts and then you went next door to wait for Joshua since he texted you that he’d be leaving soon. The secretaries at the law firm didn’t give you a second glance other than greeting you. They were used to seeing you by now so they let you wait there. Luckily, he hardly kept you waiting so you were back out before the door even closed. He chatted about the potential clients and the ones who stuck out to him. You didn’t know how many cups of coffee he drank on the way to the antique store, but he never seemed jittery. But you guessed it went to you since you were buzzing and speeding up and rushing him to get there faster. You finally left him about half a block away to run inside to get someone to help take the record player to the register to pay the owner.

However, when Joshua caught up to you, you were frantically digging through your backpack looking for the small zip-loc that had all your savings for it. “Where is it?” You dumped everything out on the counter, hoping it’d be mixed in with your uniform or your wallet or anywhere else. “Joshua,” I can’t find it.” You tried not to cry, thinking if you went back to the restaurant, it’d be there in your locker, waiting for you. “I’m sorry, can you just keep this on hold for me? I left my money in my locker at work. I’ll be back with it as soon as possible.”

“I’m sorry, but if someone else wants it, we might have to sell it to them,” the owner said apologetically.

“No, please. I have the money. It’s for my boyfriend. That’s his Christmas gift. I’ll be back in an hour, I promise.”

*

“What do you mean I’m not getting paid?” Jeonghan asked his boss in disbelief.

“No, you’re still getting paid...it’s just delayed a couple of days. And that’s my fault for not seeing that I was overdrafted from one of my payments sooner.”

“And all my coworkers?”

“Are in the same position as you. I-It’s out of my hands.”

“Can’t you just give it to me in cash, sir? It’s an emergency.”

“My daughter just deposited everything that we made today. Jeonghan, I’m truly sorry. How else can I make it up to you?”

“It’s fine. Forget it.” The rush of emotions left him conflicted as he drove home. He didn’t have a backup plan for something like this. He just assumed that after work today, he’d be able to buy you your Christmas gift with no problem. He was pissed that it didn’t happen like that. He knew that banks messed up all the time but he couldn’t believe his luck. He promised you the greatest gift in the world, and now would he provide that? He threw your towels in the washer, knowing you’d want to shower after you got back from visiting your friends at Mingyu’s place. He tidied the room a little, looked for your slippers and made sure he had some ramen in case you came home hungry.

He went back out to the living room, car keys in hand, when he laid his eyes on his records...his most prized collection. A lot of them he had been buying since he started earning his money, and some he got for a really good deal. He always promised himself that one day, he’d get himself one just to be able to play his music. And then when you crossed his mind, he pictured you with the Polaroid in your hands as you took the pictures and in one swift movement, picked up the records and headed out.

*

You never understood how Jeonghan managed to tangle himself up in you but you never complained about it. If anything, you welcomed it because it was just something you liked...unless it was scorching hot and his body heat radiated off of him. “Hannie,” you called him softly. “Hannie, wake up.”

“Five more minutes, my love,” he mumbled. “I’m tired.”

“But Hannie, it’s Christmas! I wanna make you breakfast.”

“Stay with meeeeeee.” He sleepily pressed his lips to your cheek, not quite processing your words.

“Come on. You can sleep in the living room.”

“Jagi, can you make me pancakes?”

“Yes, come on. And take your blanket too so you’ll stay warm.”

“Can we stay in our pjs too?”

“Go nuts.”

He didn’t need his blanket because as soon as he turned on the TV, he woke up and flipped through the channels excitedly, looking for anything that hinted at his childhood. He looked under the Christmas tree, only two presents, a sure sign that they’d gotten older. His heart clenched at seeing his gift to you, which now looked like nothing compared to the one you wrapped for him. He didn’t wanna dwell on that. It was Christmas, you were here with him again and it was perfect. Breakfast too. He loved hearing you humming in the kitchen, and making small talk. He met you on the table but you shook your head and went to the living room and sat on the floor. You patted the spot next to you and you watched the movie playing in silence. You looked like you were in a good mood, and he couldn’t complain. And then you mentioned opening presents and he felt the nerves turn icy in his veins.

“Okay. Do you want to open mine first or do you want me to start?” He didn’t give you the chance to speak since he handed you your and he waited.

You took your time unwrapping it, trying to figure out what he could’ve gotten you. “Is this what I think it is?” You finally decided to tear it open, and you tried not to cry. “It’s a...Polaroid,” you said quietly. You could feel the lump in your throat, touched at the fact that he got it for you. “Thank you.” 

“I know it can’t replace your old one, but I know you missed taking photos. Here, why don’t you take one of me while I open yours?”

“I think I’d rather just capture the moment as is.” You leaned closer to him while he unwrapped his, nearly helping him because of your excitement. 

“It’s a record player,” he said in the same voice you just used. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, I know how you’ve been dying for this and it’s what you deserve. Now, why don’t you put one of your favorite albums so I can hear your beautiful voice?”

He surprised you by taking your hands in his. “Y/N, do you know how happy you make me and how I’ll do anything to see you smile?” He kissed your hands when you nodded and continued. “Yesterday, I wasn’t able to get paid, so I had to sell my records to get your Polaroid.” He didn’t need to tell you that he had to stop at several places because many of the owners didn’t offer the prices he needed to buy it for you.

“Jeonghan, why?” he wiped away a tear that had fallen. Your heart broke at his sacrifice and you felt so selfish.

“Because I love you. Now start taking pictures and hang them up everywhere you can. Your photograph...why are you crying? Jagi, please don’t cry. You're more important to me than those. I can always buy more.”

“Jeonghan, I sold all my film to buy you this record player,” you admitted. “I lost the money I saved up for it and they were gonna give it to someone else. You love music so much and it was the first thing I thought of.”

To your surprise, he started laughing so hard his own tears started falling and then it was your turn to wipe them. “Baby, why would you do that for me?”

“Because I love you. More than anything, even my stupid hobby.”

He didn’t know what else to do, so he grabbed your face and placed kisses everywhere he could until he just held you close to him. He rested you close to his heart, content despite everything. “Man, we’re just a couple of fools, aren’t we?” 

You didn’t answer him, the steady beating of his heart matching with yours. You still couldn’t believe that he loved you this much. And you loved him just as much. You’d already known that you were gonna spend the rest of your life with him, but this just solidified any doubts you may have had. 

“Jagi?” He tried again.

“Hmm?”

“I know this is long overdue and we’ve only talked about this a couple of times, but would you just move in with me already? I don’t know if I can handle being apart from you much longer. It doesn’t to be right away-”

“How about after the new year?”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Jeonghan, after what you did for me...how can I say no? Besides, it took us long enough, right?’

“I love you...so fucking much.”

And I love you...just as fucking much,” you said, placing a soft kiss to his lips.

[tvandfilmconfessions]

Imagine walking into a Hollywood boardroom in 2018 in hopes of selling a big summer comedy. It’s a classic David versus Goliath story — a crew of nebbish geeks outwits a gang of maniacal, grunting bullies. Your pitch goes well at first until one of the execs wonders what sort of delightful hijinks ensue when the nerds and jocks face off.

You explain how the underdogs secretly film women naked, adding that they eventually sell “pies” (really just whipped cream) hiding an illegally taken photo of one of these women. The room goes silent and you pull another idea from the script.

“Also, one of the nerds has sex with a woman by wearing her boyfriend’s Halloween costume.”

The execs shift awkwardly in their seats.

“But it’s okay,” you assure everyone, “because it turns out the girl likes it.”

Is that sexual assault-filled movie getting made in 2018? I hope to god not. But thirty-five years ago that exact comedy was greenlit. In fact, it did well enough after its July 20, 1984 release to spawn sequels, a TV show, and plenty of revival talk.

* *

Watch the movie in question — Revenge of the Nerds — today and you’re likely to cringe so hard you miss all the jokes. Having just seen it for this piece, I can say: It feels dated. That’s no surprise, it is dated. It was released the year LeBron James, Prince Harry, and Katy Perry were born. But does that mean you can’t think it’s funny? Should we push aside all the movies, books, and TV that fail to fit with our current societal norms? Do we burn Gone with the Wind and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn?

“I don’t necessarily think we need to dump our problematic past,” says Justina Ireland, a New York Times bestselling author who often speaks, writes, and Tweets about matters of race and gender in America. “I think a lot of times when we sanitize the past we overlook the bad parts and it becomes like ‘the good ol’ days’ ideology. But I do think we need to engage with the past in a way that’s realistic.”

For Ireland, that means thinking critically about art and placing it in a historical context. Though she (like many people starting conversations about creative work that fails our current cultural litmus tests) has been treated like some sort of neo-liberal killjoy, her take on what to do about our “problematic faves” is literally just a call for thoughtfulness.

“You can enjoy something and recognize that it has problems,” she explains. “Like I love buffalo chicken wings. They are not good for me. Buffalo wings are not good for anybody. No one should be eating those. But they’re so delicious, and I wanna eat them. And I wanna recognize when I eat them that they’re not good for me.”

Based on this scale, Revenge of the Nerds is a seriously over-sauced pile of wings. Of all the screwball 80s comedies, the problems are too problematic and the comedy not enduring enough for me to get over. Sometimes things fall by the wayside and for me, this movie has. Especially because I don’t remember loving it as a kid. I watched it, but it wasn’t something I quoted.

That’s not to say that I’m ready to ditch every movie with a cringey moment. There are comedies from the same era, some with similar problems, that I do want to continue enjoying — keeping in mind, as Ireland says, that “movies, they are so much a function of their day, time, year, etcetera. You can’t separate that from the movie itself.”

I was well into my thirties before I stopped considering verbally abusive men more interesting than the nice ones. I’m a little embarrassed to say that it took even longer for me to fully comprehend the scene late in “Sixteen Candles,” when the dreamboat, Jake, essentially trades his drunk girlfriend, Caroline, to the Geek, to satisfy the latter’s sexual urges, in return for Samantha’s underwear. The Geek takes Polaroids with Caroline to have proof of his conquest; when she wakes up in the morning with someone she doesn’t know, he asks her if she “enjoyed it.” (Neither of them seems to remember much.) Caroline shakes her head in wonderment and says, “You know, I have this weird feeling I did.” She had to have a feeling about it, rather than a thought, because thoughts are things we have when we are conscious, and she wasn’t.

This comes from Molly Ringwald’s recent essay in The New Yorker about the legacy of John Hughes and the filmmaker’s blind spots concerning race, gender, and consent. The piece applies the sort of context that Ireland advocates for to a few of Hughes’s creepy-feeling on-screen decisions — setting them in a certain time in history, focusing on the people they affected, and asking tough questions about how a male director portrayed female agency. The actress never bemoans working with Hughes (who died in 2009). In fact, she clearly carries fond memories of him. But that doesn’t preclude her from seeing his work through a critical lens.

This is an important point when it comes to dealing with outdated art: Are we being intellectually rigorous? Are we thinking critically? Are we examining our own biases and how they were influenced by the societal norms of the time?

“The problem is, is for a long time, the people defining what was canon were a bunch of straight white guys,” Ireland says. “They tended to favor things that privileged their perspective. Because even though Sixteen Candles is about a girl, it’s really not. It’s really about the men around this girl. There’s the nerd, who wants her underpants. There’s the hot boy who’s unachievable. There’s even the racist foreign exchange student. I would love for someone to go through and look at the number of speaking roles and how many times men get to speak as opposed to women in that movie. Because if you look at every other female character besides Molly Ringwald, they’re all a mess.”

The fact that straight white men defined the canon for so long explains why — as our culture wrestles with these issues — it’s straight white men who are in a panic. When you’ve enjoyed unchecked power for centuries, even questioning decades-old art seems to smack of censorship. This is a shame for a zillion reasons, but two of the big ones are the most obvious: 1) New, diverse voices and a deeper thoughtfulness about culture, gender, and sexuality clearly makes for better, more nuanced art and 2) considering that white men controlled the conversation for so long, it would be nice if we were introspective enough to help open it back up.

What’s lost when white men pretend that criticism equals censorship is the chance for genuine artistic growth. How quickly we forget that artists have always been forward thinkers and that the stories the creative community produces would surely become more potent if we allowed them to evolve. That’s what comedian Hari Kondabolu wanted when he made the documentary The Problem with Apu.

“I don’t want The Simpsons to just disappear,” he says. “I think it could be better, but I don’t think that’s a unique thing that Simpsons fans have said. Even predating this documentary, Simpsons fans were like, ‘It’s not as good as it used to be.’ And they’ve said that for years.”

Though The Problem with Apu was treated by people who didn’t see it (and onetime social justice warrior Lisa Simpson) as more fodder for the “the PC culture can’t take jokes”-brigade, it was actually the exact opposite. Kondabolu grew up loving The Simpsons and watching him wrestle with the issues that Apu’s character presents is the same as anyone else trying to put something they love in proper context. The big difference is that with the show in question still on TV, changes could feasibly be made.

“There’s a reason why I did The Simpsons,” Kondabolu explains. “It’s still alive, actively making episodes. So, it’s both a snapshot of 30 years ago and our thinking back then as well as an active participant in culture, right now. But you don’t get rid of it. You hope for something better, and if not, you create things that are more contemporary and relevant. That’s the way it’s always been.”

Here again, we see a creator from a marginalized group handling the matter with a deft touch and a propensity to give dated work the benefit of the doubt. Which makes The Simpson’s creator Matt Groening’s flippant “people love to pretend they’re offended” comments seem all the more wrong-headed, as yet another white male seems to conflate being questioned with suppression.

“As much as I hate the word ‘problematic,'” Kondabolu says, “if we were to read into it — it’s saying something has a problem. It doesn’t mean it’s awful, it doesn’t mean that it’s irrelevant, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t still good; it just means there’s a problem.”

In my experience, the boilerplate response from white men when concerns about outdated pieces of pop culture surface is an eye roll paired with some riff on the classic line: “I guess people can’t take a joke anymore.” It’s that dismissal that I can’t abide. My white/male/straightness has bestowed me with a certain degree of privilege and part of the responsibility of that privilege is a willingness to wade into tricky conversations. Besides, it’s fun to think about this stuff. Are you telling me that it’s cool to argue for hours about who Azor Ahai is, but a ten-minute discussion of race, gender, and shifting sensibilities before rewatching an 80s classic is somehow wasted time? Get out of here.

So that’s what I’ll be doing the next time my own “problematic fave” — The Goonies — comes on screen. Discussing it, fitting the piece into its historical moment in time, wondering what the hell One-Eyed Willy’s master plan was, and asking questions about the movie’s continued relevance in my life. If my final answer is, “Yes, I love this and feel like their treatment of Data — though clearly based in stereotypes — is affectionate enough for me to still have fun watching” then I’ll watch. It’s not exactly rocket science.

“Nothing is pure,” Ireland concludes. “It’s also really indicative of what we considered acceptable in the early 80s compared to what we consider acceptable now. I don’t think it’s fair to judge something from a hundred years ago by a modern standard, because you have to understand the place in which the art was created to understand the art.”

When I bring up my enduring love for The Goonies, Kondabolu echoes Ireland’s sentiment. “Just because something has an issue doesn’t mean it’s ruined. Data is a loved character. But there’s still an element that you have to acknowledge. This isn’t shocking for those of us who aren’t white.”

And it shouldn’t be shocking for those of us who are white, either. Because at some point, if you’re railing against even the littlest bit of critique over a movie, book, or show you love, the person it ultimately says the most about is you.

by STEVE BRAMUCCI  

@nerdsagainstfandomracism @oldfilmsflicker @profeminist

[imorca]

8x03 responses

I’m watching last week’s episode while everyone else on my feed is watching the current. Oh, well.

Jordan and Ross are give such full performances. They are so real. I will admit, I prefer their dynamic to some of the seriously shipped of the series. They have personal chemistry, and I feel the devotion they are creating. It was a waste that they weren’t made central for the past 3 seasons.

Jesus, sigh. 

I don’t understand why the only turn coat we have seen is Dwight. I mean, I get that Negan is a scary guy - but since they are going to die anyway, I just don’t believe that there wouldn’t realistically be people turning and shooting the asshole Savior next to them that has been making it hell on a daily basis. Some of these people would have achieved “needs killin’“ status, and someone would take advantage.

Why waste Morales for this? There would be so much more interesting stuff to find out with him!! I don’t buy the bullshit about “they thought I was worth a damn.” pffffftttt.

The whole exchange between Rick and Morales was rather tired. I think Juan did an admirable job of trying to bring life to it. But is was poorly conceived based on what it could have become.

If they fucking leave Negan alive after killing these awesome side characters, Gimple and Kirkman should have to stand naked in front of the next SDCC and be pelted with rotten bananas.

Zombies rolling down the hill. Please.

Can they just kill that long-haired bastard already?

Gawd I love Lennie James. I love Lennie James. Lennie James. He manages to make this repetition more than it is. I love Lennie James.

I do have to say, though, that Jesus finally made some sense when he says, “there’s war and then there’s peace.” Too bad it was buried after such a long bullshit before.

Carol’s fake smile is giving me physical pain. I can feel the absolutely teeth-grinding tension it it.

Too bad Rick and Daryl don’t have Carol with a handy grenade right about now...

They have definitely not made enough of Jesus’ judo. It was shone a little here, but he looked way more like he was “punching...with flair” than making the move to use Morgan’s momentum against himself.

What in the world would be in a pipe in a world without electricity to pump air and water?? I know they might have it, but that just seems too contrived.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Morgan has the last move on Jesus. As it should be - so that he can make a real and meaningful decision - not just be worn out from getting kicked in the solar plexus again and again. And I actually really like his line, “I’m not right. I know that. But that doesn’t make me wrong.” It’s one of my favorite from the show in a very long time.

I actually do like the remodeled storyline this season. It should have been like this much more often in the last 2 years. I’m also liking the choices for a LOT more close-up of individual character faces. And there have been some really interesting cinematic moments - such as the overhead of Gregory at the fence.

The only choice about what to do with Gregory, it to make sure he’s on the front line of every single attack from now on.

Well, first they sacrificed Rosita to the “hard life makes women into bitches.” And now they’ve done the same to Tara. The only solution? Let the two of them have lovely, smexy times!!! Rositara makes everyone happy again!

Give Daryl a fucking barrette. Fuck all.

That polaroid is dumb. There would never have been enough film to be found. Because they are almost extinct pre-ZA. pfffft.

I didn’t need to see Aaron suffer and Eric as a walker. But at least Aaron doesn’t have a false hope that Eric survived and is taken somewhere. That might be worse. Not an excuse, but I understand the narrative point.

Why is this the only breeze we’ve ever seen in the walking dead, for the 8 seasons that they were filming outside. I mean, c’mon. Fucking finally. It can blow the sweat-socked hair from their foreheads.

Rick still has his untarnished and unscarred watch on his wrist.

“Drop you gun and come on out and tell us what we need to know.” And then I’ll kill you. “I’m giving you my word.” But Daryl isn’t. Just like I thought.

Unfortunately, Daryl is going to have some rehabilitation to do.

I paused my video, but htg I cannot see what tipped him off about the silos.

Overall, I liked the episode.

[josephwright-blog1]

Research Report

Major Project Title

(Or working title - how and why did this title develop?)

I would like this project to be entitled ‘Nemophilia’. However, the problem is that this word doesn’t actually exist. I derived it from the mostly abandoned noun Nemophilist which is defined as: One who is fond of forests or forest scenery; a haunter of the woods.To avoid the insinuation that the projects concerns an individual, some sort of character, I looked unsuccessfully for a form describing the general definition of the word, this led me to coin: Nemophilia. This however, is open to change.

This title developed purely out of it’s personal relevance to oneself. I was also encouraged by the connotations of Romanticism I believe are inherent in the word, or this would be suitable for the rather gothic-romantic aesthetic of my images. Furthermore, the word implies a love for one’s natural environment, this was especially suitable, as I am working toward a theme concerning the suffering one experiences as a result of the necessary separateness of material reality; the inability to be at one with the essential ‘oneness’ of nature. It is difficult to verbally discuss these subtle feelings without sounding absurd.

Research Methods

(What methods have you used during this phase of the project and how have they helped you develop your ideas and inform your major project proposal?)

Most of my research has been of either a practical or a literary nature. That is, experimenting with a variety of subject matter, equipment, media and chemistry. I have done a lot of research into the practicalities of the methods I’ve experimented with, as I try my best to master whatever I am doing in order to maximise creative control.

It terms of inspirational research, this tends to occur by accident, when I am not consciously trying to research but instead watching a film, walking in a park, sitting with ones own thoughts and so on. I enjoy this method of developing my ideas, because it is so much more tied to real life, real experience, which will in turn have a beneficial effect on the major project. Not that going to a library and consciously seeking out inspiration doesn’t have it’s place.

Pilot Project

(What have you achieved through the development of your pilot project/s? What have you learned from the process? Identify the main concepts that might direct or drive your major project.)

I have learnt that, for my particular way of working, I have to accept failure instead of coming to a halt every time I am disappointed by an outcome - because in the end these failures come together to form something positive. Persistence in a specific direction is essential. In a way, through the pilot project experimentation, I have chiselled away the dross within the creative part of my mind, removing what is unnecessary or poor quality by means of producing work inspired by my ideas. Slowly, as I have done away with more and more I have, from these failures, sculpted together somewhat unconsciously, what I set out to achieve.

Furthermore, I have honestly never put this much thought and effort into producing photographs before, and this is where I have been going wrong. I have never pushed myself to create photographs rather than just take them. I feel that, with this work, I have actually created images rather than simply respond to the world around me. And as a result, I believe I have benefitted, for I am pleasantly surprised by the success of some of the photos - not to say that there is not a lot of work to do, but I didn’t expect to be in this position at this stage. Additionally, I didn’t expect the images to correspond so accurately to how I imagined them. So I have achieved the benefits of getting out what you put in.

From this point, a few concepts may direct my major project. I believe the concepts are strong enough in a few of the images to be carried through to my F.M.P however only after they have been carefully tended to, as I had limited time, aspects such as editing, printing etc. have had to be neglected. I would like to spend an extensive amount of time finalising their presentation, something in the past I am usually unable to do due to poor time management on my behalf.  Also I want to introduce other plans I am yet to undertake, mostly regarding printing. I want to look extensively into paper types and also alternative methods of development specifically those derived from coffee (Caffenol) tea, wine, and related. This, I hope will create the ‘yellow’ I want on the base in order for to hand-tint. I think having a base yellow tone and then tinting on top works better than a tinting a plain B/w Print, for the idea of selective colouring has been overused and has become cliche, I hope to avoid this. So, I shall look and practice extensively hand tinting, for it needs mastering to achieve the effect I’m aiming for.

Finally, I have learnt to become directly inspired by my own perception of reality, rather than in previous years where I felt my work was in a sense ‘forced’. I find it difficult to draw the line between reality and imagination in these images, for so many elements hold personal relevance to my reality. This will continue to drive my major project, for I feel inspired by the intimacy of the work to my life.

Audience and Context

(Has a consideration of Context and Audience made you think about your project in a particular way? Have you been aware of the histories, conventions and audience expectations of particular contexts? Have you considered different contexts and how have you responded to them?)

No, I have and always try to completely neglect it. In my view, there is little point trying to create something in consideration of the expectations and tastes of others. The best I can do, when attempting to create genuine art, is create a representation of my inner world, my inner perspective and hope that, as I experience it, there are other out there who do so too - and if they don’t, perhaps even better. I have always thought along these lines, however this was driven home when I showed some photographs of animals that died as a result of farming, the audience completely misunderstood my intention.  

This images are for anyone who cares to look at them, for I feel the themes I have attempted to portray are, although perhaps remain dormant in many, are of universal application. They lies in all of us. An example would be when one reaches the top of a mountain, and the view is simply overwhelming, that one doesn’t know what to do with it, this common feeling is perhaps aroused by an inner desire to merge with the greater universe, a drive toward the unity of the all.

Production and Presentation

(Discuss the production methods you have been exploring through your pilot project. What effects do these different approaches visual strategies have on the work?  What choices have you made in the refinement of your visual approach and why? Is the approach you have chosen effective in communicating your ideas to the identified audience?)

Techniques I have experimented so far include: Dry-Plate Photography, Hand-tinting and Emulsion Lifts. None of these proved successful in themselves, however it was through the failure of these various experiments that I have been pushed in other directions, reaching a point in which now, I can utilise any successful aspects of each experiment. For example, I shot a number of films in a old toy camera, made prints and attempted hand tinting in order to create a project with the theme of transience - this completely failed, however I have no scrapped the theme, and decided that the hand-tinting shall now be useful in my current situation.  

I have finally been won over (reluctantly) by the simplicity and minimalism of using an iPhone and, admittedly it is excellent for developing your photography. Firstly, it has allowed me to photograph unexpectedly, that is, I have been creating images spontaneously, rather than the usual pre-planned, lugging around of heavy equipment ‘looking’ for images. With the iPhone, the images tend to find you. Also the disposability of these images, the fact one can shoot from any angle etc. imbues one with a freedom unavailable in film photography. I have created an Instagram specifically for this, in which I acted as unintentionally as possible - shooting what looks good, editing it to what looks good and then just posting it. I am indebted to this method this year.

Throughout my experimentation, I have refined the style of ambiguity within the images. For example, I began with Dry-Plates hoping this would create the level of dream-like ambiguous atmosphere present in Victorian Slides, however the effect was way to exaggerated and unpredictable. This search for a suitable ambiguous aesthetic has been refined through the various experiments, such as polaroid, and up to my latest refinement and perhaps most successful: to use the ends of 120 film, which are clear, but are covered in scratches, light leaks etc. Scan them, And then apply them on top of the crystal clear 120 images. As I wanted these images to be representations of my inner world, I was troubled by clarity and realism. I wanted elements that were recognisable as being physical and material, but imbued with a sense of dream etc. In other words, I wanted the images to remain realistic but to also seem as if they were not exactly ‘of-this-earth’ as we know it.

Visual References / Bibliography

(List the key visual and critical references you have explored during the research process. Discuss how useful these references were for the project and what you learned from them).

I tend to dislike looking for inspiration in other peoples photographs, as my images always end up appearing too similar. Therefore, for about a year now, I have used concepts, arguments and philosophies of various religious and spiritual authorities as a means of inspiration. This ensures a level of originality in the work as one is transforming abstract concepts to a material level.

Stalker - Film  (Tarkovsky)

Nostalghia - Film (Tarkovsky)

Mirror - Film (Tarkovsky)

Sculpting in Time - Book (Tarkovsky)

Supreme Vice (Zelenkova)

Index of Time (Zelenkova)

777 & Other Cabalistic Writings - Book (Crowley)

Transcendental Magick - Book (Levi)

Tao De Ching - Book (Tzu)

Raja Yoga - Book (Vivekananda)

Zen Flesh, Zen Bones - Book (Reps)

Zen Art - Book (Holmes)

& more.

My main, and surprisingly least obvious inspiration was the work of Andrei Tarkovsky. I cannot explain, or overestimate what Tarkovsky’s films have done for me. They have transformed my perspective upon life, they have revealed the beautiful, the mystical and the poetic in the everyday. Tarkovsky has inspired me to create art compromising of my own archetypes, symbols and feelings. The work of Tereza Zelenkova has inspired me in that, I admire the unusual relationships of her images; that is, although the subject matter within a project is different from photo to photo, there is some sort of linking together, perhaps on a level above both the rational and the logical.