#but like would they hate me if i email to cancel it at 9am?? its at 11

[cosmicchasms]

is it bad etiquette to cancel an interview just after midnight less than 11 hours before it starts or do I just go to it even though I don't want the job and withdraw my application later

[annieintheaair]

I love you but it hurts. It's over and it's not. I guess it's overtime then.

I had every intention of watching TV tonight, maybe catching up on some sermons or a new TV series, but this TV is terrible and not loading so I guess I'm writing instead.

I was supposed to fly last night but long story short, after some issues with the brakes on our first plane, then stuff stuck in the engines of the second plane, and our pilots going illegal, I ended up back home by 1:30am. I was actually pretty happy about it because I had just put new, clean sheets on my bed and couldn't wait to crawl into my own bed to enjoy them. My younger sister sent me a picture of my niece ready for bed the other night and I (half) jokingly asked if they made those sheets in king-size. As it turned out, they did make them in king-size so I bought them, washed them, and put them on my bed before going to work last night. I told myself that it was ok to get new sheets because it was like starting fresh -- new sheets that had never been slept on by anyone, especially my ex-boyfriend, Todd.

I allowed myself to sleep in this morning without an alarm. I think I woke up around 9am and realized I needed to check for order changes/cancellations for my second job, so I got ready and did that. Google said it was going to be in the 80s today so I threw on some shorts in preparation. Chick-fil-A emailed me that I could have a free chicken biscuit for breakfast but I needed to get it by 10:30am today. I let the dogs come for a ride with me in the car and drove down the street to get my free chicken biscuit and my vanilla iced coffee.

I don't know why but when I looked at my yellow nails this morning, I just felt like it was time to switch the color. It's weird because, after all of this time, I guess I forgot that there was a location of my favorite nail salon by my sister's house. I made an appointment and decided to head over there around 11:30am for my noon appointment. In some ways, this location was nicer than my normal location but also totally worth the extra 10-minute drive instead of going to the nail salon I hate nearby. They did a great job and I enjoyed a mimosa.

I picked up coffee from Black Rifle and then headed over to my sister's house. I am so glad that I got that coffee because I definitely needed it this afternoon.

I took my work call from my sister's house and then spent the afternoon entertaining my nieces with games and crafts, while also holding my two-month-old nephew. I have no idea how parents do it every day because one afternoon had me rushing home to a large glass of wine and some Cheez-Its, as well as peace and quiet.

On my drive home, the songs on my Spotify made me think about a lot of things. I thought about how just over a month ago I posted on my social media that I felt like my job right now was to focus on being the best aunt that I could be. I feel like I'm doing a really good job at that. Even with all of the bracelet-making today, when it got me super frustrated, I realized that sometimes I need to give myself grace. I know parents get frustrated too sometimes and even as an aunt, it's ok to get frustrated.

I also thought about previous relationships. I can't remember what song came on that made me think about it but I thought about Andrew and how even years after we broke up, he came back wanting to fix things. I knew then that it would never be equal-- he would want to make it work but I wouldn't. I realized that you need someone who is willing to match your effort. Andrew is now engaged and I'm happy for him that he found someone who wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with them.

Nearly nine years ago, I dated Scott. Scott was one of the only people who I ever felt like I really regretted letting that go. Scott is happy now, married, with an adorable little girl. I guess we never actually wanted the same things so it probably wouldn't have ever worked but we're still friends and he sends me memes on Instagram often. I'm glad that we got to the point where we could be friends. Just like Andrew, I could never hate Scott. I want the best for both of them.

Even James, who hurt me a ton, and Dan, who was my first real hurt (though he regretted it for the rest of his life), I wanted them to be happy, too. I think that most guys I've dated, I've wanted them to be happy, even my high school boyfriend, Mike. My 8th grade short-lived boyfriend, Sean? Yeah, him, too, and I still talk to him today. I think they all had some great qualities, and for whatever reason, it didn't work between us, but I never hated them. It never feels good to hate anyone.

I don't know if it will ever change in the future, but as of now, I think Todd is the only guy I've ever dated that I don't wish the best for, and it's kind of sad. How can you wish the best for someone who you feel doesn't deserve the best? Someone, who you genuinely believe is pure evil? Maybe it's time I reread Forgiving What You Can't Forget.

xoxo

Annie

[blindedbythedarkness]

Josh,

Sometimes it's really fucking difficult to not believe that the universe is personally biased against me. And I know that's kind of rich coming from the one of us that didn't get driven to suicide. But I just, I know you of all people would understand. I wish I had you to really talk to right now.

I'm gonna ramble because I just need someone to listen. But where to fucking start? Life right now is just spinning plates. On one day this week I found out a critical hospital referral I was relying on had never been made; I was rejected by yet another landlord for a house next year that I'd really been betting on; my supervisor met with and bullied me for a solid two hours and my one social event of the week got cancelled. So, that's about when it all started to get too much.

The doctor I've been seeing has been incompetent from the start and made so much work for me in the 6 months I've been in her care. Despite diagnosing my Potentially Life Threatening connective tissue disease, she never even named it in our appointments, leaving me to discover the true horrors of my body through playing detective with my blood results. Long story short, to be confident that I can go on a treatment for it without bleeding out, I need to see a geneticist. But despite agreeing that I should see one, she's refusing to refer me to one directly. Instead, she's referring me to a pain rehab clinic at a separate hospital and saying they can internally refer me to genetics. The wait on the pain rehab clinic? At least two years. Plus, of course none of this information was forthcoming and required weeks of emailing back and forth. So now I'm angry, anxious and stressed about my health. I want to make a formal complaint but I don't know when I'll find the time.

That wasn't even the worst thing, though. The worst thing was uni reminding me just one last time that it truly doesn't give a shit about its students and why I hate it to its very core. The final piece of work I have left to hand in is a research project that I've been working on all year. However, my supervisor is an utter cunt, and I don't say that lightly. He's incredibly narcissistic and rude for a start. For a presentation I had to do, he forced me to use his own slides without ever looking at mine. He once ended an online meeting because I misspoke when explaining a figure, telling me to call him back when I knew what I was on about because he "never forgets what he sees and doesn't want his brain soiled with incorrect information." Given he never remembers what we've spoken about from one meeting to the next, I call bullshit. Oh and this week? He asked me to explain a figure to him and when he said he didn't understand I asked him if he was looking at my screen share. He said no. I just despair!

To make matters worse, he's never fucking happy with me. He's made me start my work from scratch 3 times now and had a different problem each time. We're rapidly approaching the deadline now, so to get all the work done for the 3rd time I've been working 9am-5pm 6 days a week. Not that he cares. The results don't fit his hypothesis, so I must simply be incompetent. He even once had the audacity to suggest that I "didn't want to do the work" while looking through a 70 page document of my results, because I couldn't explain the findings of a figure I'd made a month ago off the top of my head.

In this weeks meeting, he again gave me an extortionate list of new tasks to do, while berating me at every turn. With a month left submit my thesis and my write up not started, I tried to explain to him that I wouldn't have time to complete the list. He just shrugged and said, "Well I think you should do it." And yes, this man is aware that I have been struggling physically and mentally recently.

I didn't know what else to do to make him listen, so I contacted the course supervisor (who I'd already briefly made aware of my issues with him). She told me to "quit" and "just get on with writing my thesis"... until four hours later after she had spoken to my supervisor and completely changed her mind. She video called me to tell me to do the work and I just broke down. I don't make a habit of ugly sobbing in front of people I've only ever met twice over Microsoft Teams, but this was a particularly bad day.

"Trying to do this work is going to destroy my physical and mental health."

"I can't do this anymore."

"He never listens to me."

"I've been working 6 days a week and it's killing me."

She didn't care. She told me that since my supervisor is an experienced professional, he must know how much he's asking of me and since he insists it's quick and easy stuff, it must be. This man has never done this analysis himself. He doesn't even know how; half the stuff one of his lab workers taught me and the rest I taught myself.

"Chill out" and "calm down" she told me, "do the work and if you have any problems ask John (the lab worker)"

By the time I pressed the leave button, I could barely breathe, let alone talk. I was just choking and sobbing and had snot pouring down my face. I was just so tired. So stressed. So... ignored. I didn't know where I would find the hours in the day, but I started by cancelling the trip to see my parents this weekend. To them I am not a student, and a student with health problems at that. I am simply a machine to use for free research.

I just wanted the stress to give me a break. I just wanted a break. I was genuinely afraid that my heart was going to stop from the stress alone. I didn't know where else to turn. The counseling service put me on a waiting list. My tutor told me to "just keep trying my best". My mentor told me to talk to my course supervisor. My course supervisor told me to work. A was busy revising for an exam the next day and I didn't want to bother him. So, I turned to my unhealthy coping mechanisms instead.

I didn't mean to do it as badly as I did. I just wanted to scratch my skin enough to feel it burn and give me something else to feel instead of the huge mass in my chest. But the scissors were sharper than I thought and when I looked down there were four long cuts that had gone through the skin and fat. I knew immediately I'd fucked up. There was no way those edges were coming together on their own. Honestly, I was just mad I'd given myself something else to do. So, I covered them with gauze and tape and kept on working. Because I needed to work. I needed to get it done. I would deal with going to the hospital later but I couldn't lose these working hours.

Once the blood was dripping from the gauze I finally, begrudgingly, went to the hospital. Honestly? They were surprisingly nice. They were understanding and they listened. I was so worried that they'd think I was some cringy emo kid looking for attention. I honestly felt like a total knob going there, but I didn't have a choice. I never felt judged or like they thought I was wasting their time or that it was all my fault. Of course, I know that it was my fault and I felt like a fool. But I also don't blame myself for becoming so desperate. At one point a doctor came in with a medical student who was visibly shy and embarrassed when examining me. I told her I had a place at medical school, so not to worry as I'd be in her place soon. And again, I was shocked because they didn't once tell me not to go. I thought they were going to say "if you can't cope right now, starting medical school isn't for you!" But they never said anything like that. Instead they were shocked I'd gotten in to such a good uni and seemed incredibly genuine when they wished me well.

Oh, and the wounds? Thankfully I didn't need stitches so I got them pulled together again with steri-strips. And in case you didn't believe me that I didn't intend them to be so bad, I nearly passed out three times after looking at them. So, I truly am a fucking idiot, Josh. Lesson learnt, I suppose. Though I'm still afraid what will happen next time I run out of options.

It's finally the end of the week now, but the universe still hasn't given me a break. My mum called earlier and told me my rabbit will be crossing the rainbow bridge tomorrow as he seems to have had a stroke. I mean, it's a small mercy that he's an old bunny and he's been unwell for a long time, so it's not a shock. But it's still so sad and I'll miss him so much. What really tops it all off is that I was going to see him this weekend until I had to cancel my trip home due to the workload.

Man, I just. Why does shit stuff seem to come so easily to me? It's difficult not to feel personally victimized when shit news after shit news lines up so well. I wish good things came as thick and fast. I hope to fuck my luck changes soon because honestly I'm terrified that it's taking years off my life.

Thanks for listening, Josh,

C

[go-our-own-ways]

In the end the client was just egregiously late rather than not showing up at all...but my 10AM just canceled on me, rip. 

Well, not the worst of mornings, at least. 

I also emailed our admin ‘cause I was looking at my schedule and realized...I really can’t take on anymore clients... I’m quite literally physically out of time and space. I already work 9AM-7PM most days now, with an hour lunch and an additional hour’s rest in the afternoon, which is the bare minimum I ask of myself or else my work begins to deteriorate... On the busiest of days, that’s eight hours of seeing clients. EIGHT. 

Honestly, in terms of professional standards, that’s considered insanity. 

Granted, I do this to myself for the sake of leaving Wednesdays open for paperwork. So while leaving Wednesdays client-free, to make up for it, I try to still have a “full-time” caseload of sorts across the other four days. Generally, the industry standard is (apparently) 20-25 billable clients per week (though I’ve heard even that is considered a tall order), which would mean I’d need about six clients to show up for sessions for each of my four client days... And so to account for no-shows, I have to schedule more than just six clients...which leaves me in my current predicament. 

Part of the problem is also the fact that an overwhelming percentage of my client base needs afternoon/evening hours (i.e., 4-7PM), which takes a pretty huge toll on myself and my life rhythm. I hate working until so late, but if I don’t, I lose over half of my clients...and therefore most of my money. I don’t even make a lot of money to begin with, so I’d rather not lose more money. 

I usually leave Wednesdays open in an attempt to get paperwork done, but I haven’t had a productive Wednesday in so long because I’ve been so tired. If I have free time, I just automatically feel so checked out from work and the real world...it’s kind of terrible. But what’s new? This is the new normal, in terms of work and how life feels in general, what with the pandemic and working from home. 

I have to do more to take care of my mental health, ‘cause at this point I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. In this vein, I finally decided to take the plunge and block out my holiday for the winter. And, seeing as how I don’t have vacation days anyway so I won’t get paid...there’s really no qualms here about financial impact since it’s just...already there. Kinda have to deal with it anyway, lol. But it’s lose money vs lose my sanity, and I think I’d rather lose some money first to save my sanity. 

I was already out for four (business) days total for Thanksgiving (but our office was closed for 2.5 of those days. All-told I was technically “out” for six days when you include the weekend). I’m just so tired but so stressed from being behind on work these days though...I’m pretty sure I need the time off. So in light of that, I decided to take 2.5 days off between our Christmas and New Year’s closures, making for a glorious, consecutive, 12 days of being “out” of the office. 

Honestly with Thanksgiving, I started getting a little antsy towards the end of break , but still was generally feeling loathsome towards doing work, so the hope here is that I’ll get antsy enough to start catching up on work if I give myself 10 days. Here’s to hoping, though. 

Okay, enough of me writing out thoughts. I had meant to save this for when I spoke with my counselor later this week, but I guess my brain just couldn’t wait anymore and needed to process and work it out on its own now. I’ll still go over it with my counselor, but I think I feel a little more at ease having (mostly) made peace with this decision myself.