#but like it’s making the world worse for trans people right now. today. currently

[communistkenobi]

yes transphobia hurts everyone but you should care about transphobia because it hurts trans people lol

[against-forms-recognizable]

Shower thoughts on the family structure

Despite its current dominance, the single-income household has never been viable on a mass scale, outside of a few decades in the West, due largely to imperialism extracting massive amounts of wealth from the rest of the world combined with technological monopolies which have since lapsed.

Historically, in households where there was one 'breadwinner' and one 'homemaker,' it was because child labor allowed it to be so, because the industry of the household (the breadwinning) was linked into the domesticity: if you were a freeholder farmer, growing your food, farming, what we would now think of as a job, was in the same class of labor as cooking and cleaning, it was all part of the same system, we did not think of one as a job and the other as not. So, as children are often expected to help out around the house today, children back then would be expected to help out in the other productive endeavors of the household, like farming, or other forms of work. And children didn't typically go to school. They started working with their parents from a very young age.

So you hear a lot of complaints about how difficult it is to maintain a single income household, it's because when children are present, they are being freeloaders, generally; all of the labor they would have done to contribute to the household is offloaded solely onto the parents. And when they are not present, well, that was never very achievable in the first place with one person not earning bread, right?

We switched to a system where children do not work but we did not accomodate the switch to that system by altering the family structure to include a higher amount of laborers per household, which would necessitate a higher amount of adults living together for the family unit than just one man one woman. And we got away with it for a long time because of competitive advantages provided by imperialism, the industrial revolution, and so on.

That is coming to an end, and people are finding out that having kids is now a miserable experience that often makes your life worse, because of the financial and time burdens now associated with shepherding someone through the legal and social structures constraining and defining 'childhood.'

It doesn't have to be, though. We can envision alternative household and family structures that make that burden much less intensive. For instance, instead of marriage, some alternative structure in which a group of best friends bind themselves together and agree to live with each other in a shared household, which future spouses and children are incorporated into. (repping Terra Ignota here)

Such a structure could have one homemaker and three breadwinners because the duties typically assigned to homemakers have been made much easier than previous by technology. After spouses are incorporated in, you could even have a division between homemaker and educator, with one person whose sole job in the household of ~8 adults + however many kids is cleaning, and one person who is solely dedicated to day to day parenting and schooling. And in this structure it doesn't really matter how many people in society are gay or trans or in relationships that will otherwise not produce children because every household will probably have at least one straight couple and they can have as many kids as the household can bear if they want, which is the same amount of kids as a household with 4 straight couples.

Also a necessary comment here about how abusive the pre-industrialization family unit often was, being a child often meant being forced to work on the threat of extreme physical abuse or starvation if you did not. That was not good. Returning to that would not be good. We need something new.

[spiderfreedom]

Overlap between the radical feminist and rationalist world today.

If you don't know what Rationalists are, it's a Silicon Valley-centric subculture/ideology about trying to be more rational, in theory. In practice, it means you've read either everything posted by Eliezer Yudkowsky on LessWrong, or (more commonly today) everything posted by Scott Alexander on SlateStarCodex/AstralCodexTen.

Scott Alexander is well known for his, uh, interesting ideas on feminism and women. He is a proponent of the idea that women are just naturally not inclined towards STEM fields and that this is a better explanation for their underrepresentation. He is especially famous for having written 'Untitled', where he argues that pop feminists who talk about nerd entitlement are cruel character assassins and that hating fedoras is a dogwhistle for hating Jewish men.

You may think a subculture like this would be primed for sceptical, non-mainstream thinking about transition science, at least, but Rationalism has a very high rate of trans women (MTFs) participating in it, and a very high rate of defending the interpretation that the 'best thing we can do' is to just go along with the idea that trans {gender} are {gender}, in a sort of utilitarian "it causes the least harm" sort of way.

(There are some people in the subculture strongly against this, including sex dysphoric men, but they are a small minority.)

With all this in mind, I think of this part as exemplary:

Scott: This is going to sound insensitive, but as far as “bad US medical policies” go, 2,500 children having their lives low-key ruined is nothing. I can think of a dozen US medical policies that are much worse than that!

It is certainly the case that the actual, objective number of kids going on puberty blockers or youth transition is pretty small. Even as doctors try to make these treatments accessible, there simply aren't enough treatment centers to meet what they see as rising demand.

Now if you want to say "I'd rather focus my energies on an issue that objectively affects more people," I get that. But I don't trust Scott on this issue, for the reason that he is a noted anti-feminist (as in, he thinks feminists and feminist activism is untrustworthy) and a noted apologist for current levels of female representation in fields (it's 'inherent interest' after all).

For me, I see the misuse of youth transition as a way to turn gender non-conforming kids and gay kids into gender conforming straight kids who are more attractive. (The end goal of making youth transitioners into more sexually attractive partners is stated everywhere.) I also see that the ideology behind youth transition is used to pathologize gender non-conforming and gay kids into thinking that there is something horribly wrong with them and that they are "really" the opposite gender. Even if only a small number of kids actually get to take the puberty blockers, the ideology supporting the puberty blockers - that gender non-conforming behavior and dissatisfaction with one's birth body are incontrovertible signs of permanent cross-gender identity - is harmful and pathologizing to gnc/gay kids. This ideology has effects beyond the number of kids with access to clinics and "supportive" parents, and I'm seeing it in how every slightly gender non-conforming teenage girl I meet is calling herself non-binary or transmasc. The erasure of gnc women is a tragedy and a false salvation to the pains of misogyny.

I don't expect any of this to matter to Scott, though, because he has shown multiple times on his blog that he is really not that interested in women or outcomes for women. He thinks if someone is distressed and wants to transition and shows signs that transition would help, then they should be medicalized. I doubt he cares about what this means for gender non-conforming women or gay women. It is possible he thinks gender non-conforming women are on some spectrum of transness anyway, and that we'd have been happier transitioned than not.

I'm mostly just surprised at the lack of curiosity. One of the things I like about Rationalists is the sense of curiosity. It's a group that really attracts strange people who like to think very deeply. Scott is a psychiatrist. He suspects something weird is going on with youth transition, yet he's utterly uncurious about what it is, or why. Is he afraid of seeming 'obsessed' with gender? Does he think that gnc girls being medicalized and pathologized at a young age is no big loss, because they can just rebuild identities as 'trans men', so it's not worth spending time on?

Having read the accounts of detransitioners, I know that they are constantly minimized and silenced on account of being a 'small number.' I also know that detransitioners, whether youth or adult, have valuable things to add to the conversation. Even if it's a small population that we're helping, I want to help them, because I know most people's response will probably be like Scott's - "oh, there's so few of them, that's not a big deal." It is a big deal to the people affected, and it's a big deal to everyone who is told in some way that something is wrong with them because they are gnc/gay/autistic females.

[thatfeyboy]

I want to talk about something I know is rough but, I don't think the language we use around sexism is very effective. The current lens of much of the language and academic study is directly a product of feminism. This is not evil nor is it unexpected. Much of the social and legal change around gender over the last 100 years has been towards women. That has resulted in many great changes like granting women the right to vote, to property, and to monetary independence from men.

While technical battles like those were going on, more loose social issues were also being discussed. Structures like patriarchy, gender roles and stereotypes, and sexuality were also being questioned and brought forward. These ideas and the language around them however have sat inside certain echo chambers for decades, resulting in many of the gender critical and terf like beliefs we see today. More over, language intended to describe a limited female perspective is being forced as the only acceptable terms to discuss other gendered issues, like sexuality, gender identity, intersex rights, and most obviously any sexism posed towards men.

I get the impression from a lifetime of experience that words like patriarchy and toxic masculinity for example, are often counter intuitive. Patriarchy means, very simply, a society run by only men. It's undeniable both America and much of the world was strictly patriarchal within the last 100 years(and some definitely still are). That being said, we do not currently live in a patriarchy(USA), even if there are people in America/etc that hold patriarchal views(including women). Regardless, I rarely see patriarchy being used in regards to a society's government. It is more often used as a way to describe a nebulous, nefarious group all men are a part of and benefit from with a handful of approved exemptions(gay/trans). It as a term is used to not only silence male-perceived individuals from speaking, but to place an undeserved privilege on top of their suffering to make it ok to punch at them. The fact is most men/male-perceived people do not benefit from "patriarchy" and never have. It's the exception among men, not the rule. The same would be true in a matriarchal system, as both require sexism and gender critical ideology to function.

Toxic masculinity is even worse. Frankly, it's just used to lampshade telling people to fuck off and deal with their problems alone. I cannot stress enough how this word, made by men to describe effects of sexism from other men in terms of gender conformity, is now used to shift blame onto men for being solely responsible for their own suffering and that feminism has no place with it. Ever more so, it's used to tell masculine people, including women, that people treating them as a threat is ok because the masculinity that they naturally have is evil.

None of this even gets into the language that is denied by these movements like misandry or transmisandry, as the idea someone could hate men or masculine people for a bad reason simply cannot exist to them.

In the end though, what I'm getting at is that the discussions involving gender lack nuance and a multiple lens structure, and suffer for it. These groups who have been insulated have rotted and become toxic to the rest of us seeking gender equity. Their beliefs about the inherent nature of men, women, and society will be the death of the movement and all unisex gender rights. Please, if you can bare it, be open to language and theory evolving as more men or male-pervieved people tell their stories of sexism. Treat them as you would treat anyone, with compassion and willingness to listen. I promise things will be better for all of us in the end if we listen to each other rather than salt the earth to separate ourselves from what we find icky.

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

Apparently if you dare to be a sane person and say the truth for what it is - you're Hitler. Despite all historical evidence, the far left opinion on Hitler seems to be very high.

Anyway, hi! I stumbled onto your blog very recently and it's a gulp of fresh air after being exposed to Tumblr's ultra-woke accounts. I used to be on the left too, but their narrative was becoming more and more insane until I started to question it and disagree, and it's people and blogs like yours that helped me to see the hypocrisy and doublethink that seems to be so present in the far-left spaces (far-right too, but I think both of those extremes are very harmful and dangerous.)

You give an impression of being an intelligent, reasonable person and from what I've seen, your arguments are firmly based in logic, common sense and objective reality. How do you think, is there any hope we'll be seeing the end of current woke agenda soon? From what I understand, there seems to be a culture war going on (especially in US), but more and more people are waking up and also the companies are getting rightfully boycotted after pushing the woke narrative (like BudLight, Target, Gillette etc), but I don't know if it really means anything or changes things. I find you an interesting person to talk to and wanted to know your thoughts.

Keep doing the good work and don't pay attention to clowns! They know they have nothing to defend their position with, and so are getting aggressive and angry.

That's very nice to be told, so thank you.

I honestly still don't think of myself as left or right; I largely just see those two labels as being magnetic polarities for evolutionarily-created character traits that the great majority of the population will always tend to fall into (the creative, utopian, collectivist types blindly worshipping never-ending "progress" and the traditionalist, conservative, religious types, suspicious of change but responsible for protecting and maintaining the fabric and narrative of society).

I was more left-leaning for many years, and still feel sympathies in that direction, so I don't wish to "smash the left!" or "smash the right!" because, when working healthily, both those polarities represent necessary parts of human existence and experience that could - theoretically, at least - harmoniously complement each other and make for a better world, if only each were to recognize they need the other.

But having said that, it really is impossible right now to not conclude that over the past 10, 20 years the entire mainstream Left has gone completely insane, and is now utterly adrift from reason, sanity, humour, common sense and any lucid conception of human decency. So that's something that needs to be fixed - hopefully by the left itself - and there are some glimmers of that beginning to happen: the madness of the trans issue , especially, seems to have been a step too far for many, splitting the entire feminist movement down the middle and waking many liberal parents up to the mutilation of their children being terrifyingly (and mandatorily) celebrated and applauded everywhere they turn. And the openly racist hatred and vilification of the straight white male trade unionists who were traditionally the backbone of the left wing parties has got to be making some drift away and wonder who those parties are really serving now. And surely even the most liberal art lovers can tell that all movies and books and TV shows and art exhibitions today have collapsed into empty, soulless, worse-than-mediocre propaganda.

As to whether there is any definitive end in sight, I don't know. Like I say, there are signs, but on the other side of that tabletop there is the relentless indoctrination of children, and the ever-expanding or tightening net of technology, and these two things I find make it especially hard to predict the future world with any confidence.

But the bases of power behind both require money and public silence to continue: if enough people stop giving woke corporations money, they will cease their allegiance to that deranged course of action or else die off, and if parents take their children out of schools that are indoctrinating them into destructive far-left insanity, then the schools will either stop pushing that agenda or die off. And things like that do seem to be happening in some places, so that gives me hope.

The thing that ideally needs to happen more than anything else is for the woke to wake up, out of their conditioning and relentless corporate brainwashing. But if the events of the past 10 years have not been enough to open their eyes to the fire directly raging in front of them, it's hard to imagine what kind of superpowered espresso machine it would actually take to clear the fog and snap them back to reality.

Hearts and minds, though. Hearts and minds. One soul at a time.

[lucemferto]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT PH1LZA (or Why Philza is a Victim of Narrative Circumstance)

Heyo! Per request I am posting the script to my video of the same name here on tumblr. I must warn you that just reading the script will probably not give you the full experience, so I would encourage you to watch the video (linked above).

There might also still be a lot of grammatical errors in the text, because I don’t proofread.

Intro

LAST TIME ON LUCEM FERTO

Okay, so! I don’t want this to turn into a reaction channel OR a Dream SMP channel for that matter! [echo]

Well, I lied.

[Intro to “Luc is pretentious about the funny blockmen. Episode 2”]

I swear, I’m working on other stuff. It’s just that my dumb lizard brain has only capacity for one interest at a time!

So, something you might not know about me, is that I am on tumblr – who am I kidding, most of you will know me from tumblr. Before starting this whole YouTube thing, I thought that website died years ago – but as per usual reality proves me wrong. I’m also on Twitter and Reddit, but I get the most engagement on tumblr – by far! – and I need those sweet, sweet numbers for the serotonin!

Anyways, one of my favourite past-times on tumblr is to razz Philza Hardcore Minecraft – that’s his full name – for being a frankly awful father [clicking away] – wait, wait, no! Philza fans, this isn’t a hit piece on him, I promise! Please come back!

This is video is meant to be a companion piece to my previous video about Technoblade and the Doomsday event – you can tell by the shared nomenclature – so you should probably watch that one before you proceed. Unless you don’t want to, which is also perfectly understandable.

DISCLAIMER: This video is mostly about the character Philza plays on the Dream SMP. Whenever I talk about the content creator Philza, I will say so properly. Also, Spoiler Warning for Dream SMP Season 2.

… What is that? You’re wondering what the Dream SMP is? Well, if you had just watched the other video like I told you to do, you would know, because I explained it pretty well there. But in case you don’t know, here’s the cliff notes.

Dream SMP is the hottest New Media Series on Twitch right now! It has it all: gaslighting, child soldiers, Machiavellian political intrigue, Hamilton roleplay, desecration of the dead, shounen protagonists, SO! MUCH! AMNESIA! Filicide, furries, a red egg that’s definitely homophobic and teenagers inventing nuclear warfare. And it’s all done in Minecraft – yes, the funny block game where the only way to emote is to crouch.

And you say the perfect brief doesn’t exist!

Now, you might be wondering, why do I want to talk about this? Well, it’s because Content Creator Philza is one of least controversial internet personalities that I can think of. That man exudes pure comfort. So, it’s just very, very amusing to me that his character became one of the most controversial figures on the SMP, only outshone by Tommy and Technoblade.

And it’s not just amusing, it’s also extremely interesting! I want to dig deep to uncover and discuss the dynamics behind why that is. How did it come to this point? How did a man who appears genuinely so pleasant create a character that inspires so much discourse!

Now, if you watched that Technoblade video – like I told you to twice now! – you might know, that I am the resident character analyses hater of fandom! And that impression is false and slanderous! Don’t tell other people that I hate character analyses! I love them!

It’s just that, in the Dream SMP in particular, there is an abundance of character analyses! Every streamer has at least two very good essays written about them, exploring every possible angle to view their characters and backgrounds and everything. All I’m saying is: I don’t have anything to add on that front.

So, instead I want to pursue a different approach – something, that I feel is a bit underrepresented in the fandom! And I’m not just talking narrative analysis – that’s right, this episode we’re going even more pretentious! – I’m talking Transtextual Analysis!

Now, what is Transtextuality? Well, unfortunately it has very little to do with actual Trans people – #transrights, just in case that wasn’t obvious – but instead describes a mode of analysis with which to put – to quote French literary theorist Gérard Genette – “the text in a relationship, whether obvious or concealed, with other texts”.

Basically, you know how the L’Manburg War of Independence heavily quotes and borrows from the hit musical Hamilton? That’s transtextuality! A lot of the analyses surrounding how Tommy mirrors the Greek hero Theseus, who was invoked by Technoblade multiple times in the series, are already doing transtextual analysis! So, it’s really not something that’s new to the Dream SMP fandom.

But how does this apply to Philza and how he is looked at and judged by his parental skills? Well, there are multiple forms of transtextuality, two of which we will discuss today.

But before we continue, I gotta do that annoying YouTuber thing. I know these videos don’t look like much, but I spend a really long time making them. I work fulltime and I try my best to keep up, but sometimes I can’t. So please, like, subscribe, comment to give me some algorithm juice – I really need it – and most importantly share it! Share it with your friends, share it with your family – I’m sure Grandma is very interested in what I have to say about Philza Minecraft.

And I’m trying to be better! If I sound at all different for this video, it’s because I finally bought a new pop filter, so I can hit my plosives without it sounding like there’s a thunderstorm in my room. I hope it makes a difference; it was a very cheap pop filter, so maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it sounds worse – that would be bad!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, CHILD NEGLEGT!

 Intertextuality: Why is Dadza?

You know what’s really interesting about the Dream SMP – aside from, you know, most things about it? Very few of the characters have concrete, fleshed-out backstories – and that’s pretty weird! In no other medium or genre could you get away with something like that – at least for long-form storytelling!

So, how does Dream SMP get away with this? Well, it’s because every character on the Dream SMP is basically a self-insert – and I don’t mean that in the “This character is based on me”-kinda way, but in the “This character, for all intents and purposes, is me!”-way. This, like many things that are fascinating about the Dream SMP, is owed to the fact that this series didn’t start off as a continuous drama – it started off as a Let’s Play.

And while we can talk about how someone’s on-camera/on-mic persona is in some ways a character, it’s still miles off of being an actual, fully-realized, separate character in a storyline.

This is where Intertextuality comes in.

Intertextuality is a subset of Transtextuality. It describes how the hypertext, which is the text, you’re currently engaged with, uses another text, the hypotext, to supplement itself. The interconnection the hypertext establishes with the hypotext, through stuff like allusion for example, uh-hum [Hamilton], can colour how an audience interprets the hypertext. Basically, Hamilton and Theseus are the hypotexts; the Dream SMP is the hypertext.

So, what does this have to do with backstory? Simple: The backstories of the characters in the Dream SMP consist basically of nothing but intertextual references. Through intertextuality their content effectively substitutes their character’s backstory.

You can see it everywhere. Wilbur’s and Schlatt’s relationship and rivalry is hugely enriched, if you are aware of their shared history like SMPLive, for example – I think anyway. I haven’t watched SMPLive, because … there’s only so many hours in the day and I cannot keep up with the Dream SMP and catch up on SMPLive and live a healthy life – which I already don’t do, so…

BadBoyHalo’s and Skeppy’s relationship, which has become the crux of the Crimson-Storyline of Seasons 2 and 3, is hugely supplemented if you know that they’re also very close as streamers and in real life.

Another great example of intertextuality is basically Technoblade’s entire deal. If you just look at him completely within the text of the Dream SMP and try to transplant his entrance to any other medium: It would be extremely weird! Like, he’s just this guy that comes in in the middle of a very climatic arc, no build-up, no explanation what his deal is, and he’s treated like he has always been there. In any other medium that just wouldn’t work – at least not without a flashback or some sort of exposition!

But because of stuff like Minecraft Mondays, the Potato Wars, his Duel against Dream and SMPEarth, we understand that he is a Big Deal!

Anyways, to bring all of this back to Philza Minecraft: What kind of hypotext informs how the audience sees his character? Well, this is where I will have to talk about SBI.

SBI is an acronym that stand for State Bank of India, the 43rd largest bank in the world and…

It also stands for Sleepy Bois Incorporated. Sleepy Bois Incorporated is a loose assembly of content creators, consisting of Philza, Wilbur Soot, TommyInnit and Technoblade. It is most well-known for its very endearing family dynamic – a dynamic that is frequently acknowledged and played up by the creators involved. Tommy is the youngest brother, Wilbur and Techno are the two older brothers and Philza is of course the dad. And when I say, it’s played up, I really mean it! Wilbur seems to be especially enamoured with the idea and leaves no opportunity untaken to bring it up – which we will come back to.

And I’m not saying that they’re faking this and this is somehow an act. While I know none of these people personally, it appears to me, that this is genuinely how they interact – if a little exaggerated for the streaming experience. Even when they’re not consciously playing into the family dynamic, their interactions still very much lend themselves to that interpretation by the viewers.

Philza especially just radiates Dad-Friend energy – so much so that it has become a huge part of his brand identity – yay, I can bring that back (check out my Christmas video if you want to hear me ramble about that). The nickname Dadza stuck even before SBI was a thing.

So, even if we completely disregard SBI – which we shouldn’t for reasons I’ll get back to – Philza has cultivated an image of strong paternal guidance. He is, in my opinion completely deservedly, regarded very positively. He is highly respected and in turn seen as a voice of reason.

All of this would eventually inform the hypotext of the character Philza within Dream SMP.

 Interlude: Before Dadza & November 16th

Okay, so now we have established that a) Dream SMP heavily hinges on intertextual readings by the audience to supplement character backstory and b) that Philza’s entire deal is that he’s the dad-friend – more specifically that he’s the dad of SBI (not the bank). I think you know where this is going.

So, yeah, ever since it was on the table that Philza could join the Dream SMP, it was immediately assumed that he would take on the paternal guardian role all these traumatized people on that server so desperately needed – and with good reason! Like I said before, the audience at this point was trained to take intertextual interpretations as basically canon or at the very least canon-adjacent.

I want to emphasize that this is most likely not done deliberately. I’m sure content creators Wilbur and Philza didn’t sit there and said: “Yes! We will rely entirely on the audience’s inclination to interpret our characters intertextually to define character Philza!”. Like, obviously that did not happen.

But it’s also important to remember that unlike with traditional media and the fanbases cultivated there, the separation between the Dream SMP and its audience is almost non-existent – and purposely so. The story events are streamed live, Chats are acknowledged in canon and even outside of livestreams creators are extremely involved with the fandom. So, the weight of fan-expectations is equally amplified and will more likely be incorporated into the writing process. Case in point:

[Wilbur “I miss Philza”/Philza about Wilbur]

During Wilbur’s villain arc, even before his official involvement, Philza became a prevalent point of discussion. The hope that he would be the one to snap Wilbur out of his downward spiral was not only wish-fulfilment on behalf of the fans; it also very much played off of the intertextual reading of the SBI-dynamic in relation to the Dream SMP.

Of course, this still doesn’t make Philza and Wilbur canonically blood-related – but it definitely used the “paternal”-dynamic of SBI to build-up tension and drama.

And that ultimately brings us to November 16th. The Grand Finale of Season 1 and Philza’s first canonical appearance on the SMP.

Now, for this I want to pull back from the transtextual analysis and talk about simply narrative analysis: What is Philza’s narrative purpose on November 16th?

Philza serves as the last threshold on Wilbur’s Villain’s Journey – to appropriate Vogler’s version of the monomyth for a minute here – he is what Vogler calls the “Threshold Guardian”. He is the last enemy the Hero faces before completing his quest – in this particular case Wilbur’s quest is to blow up L’Manberg. Multiple people have at this point tried to dissuade him from this course of action: Tommy, Quackity, Niki and others. So how come this Philza moment is not redundant in terms of dynamics compared to these prior scenes?

Well, it’s through our intertextual understanding of Wilbur’s and Phil’s relationship. Because Philza does not just occupy the role of the Threshold Guardian – he is also implicitly the Mentor. Before Phil there was no character in the storyline that held a higher position of moral authority than Wilbur – Dream and Schlatt, while at points more powerful in terms of actual authority, were never positioned by the narrative as Wilbur’s superiors in the same way as Wilbur was to Tommy, Tubbo or even Niki.

Before November 16th all challenges Wilbur faced were from people narratively subordinated to him. But that trend is broken with Phil. That is why he is the Threshold Guardian, why this confrontation is at the climax of Wilbur’s arc. Because Phil is the last thing tethering Wilbur to whatever morality he held before his villain arc; Phil is the last, moral obstacle Wilbur has to discard before gaining his reward.

And, just a quick sidenote, because I’ve seen it around the fandom a bunch: When I’m referring to Wilbur denouncing his morality, I’m using that in terms of narrative analysis. I’m mentioning it, because Wilbur’s character can very easily be read as mentally ill or neurodivergent and some people have – rightly! – pointed out that the excessive vilifying when talking about his character is … problematic, to say the least.

So, I just want to make clear, this isn’t a character analysis, I’m being purposely broad when talking about Wilbur and Phil.

In the end, Wilbur takes that final step and gets his “reward”: As his final request his mentor takes his life and vanquishes the evil – the dragon of Wilbur’s story slays the dragon of L’Manburg. It’s very Shakespearean in its tragedy – but beyond the larger theatrics it’s not really used to further characterize Phil – at least in the context of Season 1. There’s not a lot of focus on his characters internal conflict during November 16th.

Phil, like Techno, is very utilitarian in how content creator Wilbur writes him: He serves as a moment of hype; an obstacle Wilbur has to face; a participant in the tragic climax of Wilbur’s character and ultimately takes on his implicit and expected role of mentor and guiding figure to the rest of L’Manburg.

I think not a lot of people talk about how Philza does not join Technoblade during November 16th. He takes the side of L’Manburg – he fights against the withers and he joins Tommy, Tubbo and the others at the L’Mantree, thus framing him as loyal to the L’Manburg administration – even though Season 2 would make his loyalty to Techno central to his character. But more on that later.

What’s also important about November 16th is that this is the day when the general intertextual interpretation became canonized text.

[You’re my son!]

Wilbur is made Phil’s canonical, biological son. The intertextual interpretation of SBI as it pertains to these two characters on the SMP was completely reinforced by the narrative. Or to put it in Fandom terms: The headcanon became actual canon. At least when it came to Wilbur … but what about Philza’s “other” children?

Well, that leads to our second form of transtextual analysis:

 Paratextuality: Is Dadza?

These titles are just getting better and better.

The Paratext is defined as all those things in a published work that accompany the text. It comes in two forms: One of them is the Peritext, which are non-diegetic elements directly surrounding the text – like chapter titles, author’s notes, and stuff like that. Translated to the medium of the Dream SMP, it would be stuff like this:

[Examples]

And, trust me, I could make a whole separate video about how people on the SMP use their peritext as a tool for storytelling – I’m looking at you, Ranboo – but that’s not what we will talk about in the context of Dadza.

Instead, we will focus on the second form of Paratext, the Epitext, which consists of all authorial and editorial discussions taking place outside of the text. That’s stuff like interviews, private letters or J. K. Rowling’s Twitter Account – you know, before she decided to become a full-time asshole.

[Wilbur: Transrights]

After Season 1 ended, Wilbur indulged pretty heavily in providing epitext for the Dream SMP, something he had not done prior to November 16th. His paratextual additions ranged from the playful, like assigning DnD alignments to various SMP members, to the extremely impactful, like the whole three lives system!

You probably think, you know where this is going. Wilbur provided some epitext about how Tommy and Techno either are or are not biologically related to him … and I have to be honest I thought that too. But then I began looking into the impenetrable web that is the SBI-canon on the Dream SMP and found this!

[Ghostbur explains family]

So, it wasn’t paratext, it was just straight text. Said in character, in canon, without any implication that we the viewers should question this. The text of the SBI family dynamic was explicitly linked to Dream SMP-exclusive lore, namely Fundy being Wilbur’s and Sally the Salmon’s son. This is as clear as Philza’s anguished declaration on November 16th in establishing the intertext as text. And because Wilbur also had a very heavy hand in the discussion of paratext around that time, it gave his character’s words even more “canonical” weight. Metatextually speaking, this very much read like the author giving exposition through his character – exposition that we should understand as reliable.

And, by the way, before I continue, I need to give a huge, huge shoutout to kateis-cakeis on tumblr, I hope I pronounced that right, who was just so quick in providing me with these crucial clips. Without him I would have looked for days because these people don’t archive their shit! And the Dream SMP Wiki was NO help, by the way! I love what you guys do, but stuff like this belongs in the Trivia section on characters’ pages!

Anyways, basically during the entirety of early Season 2 the SBI family dynamic was basically canon to the SMP. Sometimes it was only alluded implicitly, again letting the intertext fill out the rest.

[Philza clips]

But just as often it was just explicitly talked about – both in the text and in the paratext.

[Fundy clip/Wilbur “Twins” clip/Tommy clip]

So, I know what you’re thinking: “Why is this part called paratext, if the entire family tree is just textual”. Well, that last clip might give you a hint, as to what I will talk about. Notice how Tommy, one of the people most directly impacted by the canonization of SBI lore, is both unaware of and seems generally unenthused about it, to put it nicely? Well, that would soon turn out to be a much bigger deal than anyone could have imagined as he wasn’t the only one.

[Technoblade decanonizes SBI]

Yeah …

This happened on 20th of December. Regular viewers of this channel will remember that I put out a 90-second joke video, where I complain about this very development. And while I was mostly kidding around, the core idea is still true. The paratext provided by Technoblade and established text were in direct contradiction with one another – and that brought a lot of confusion into the fandom. Confusion, that would soon be followed by frustration.

Because Techno only decanonized himself as part of the SBI family dynamic – but what about Tommy and Tubbo, the latter of which was incorporated into the dynamic exclusively within the lore of the Dream SMP. Was this still canon or wasn’t it?

What followed was a muddled mess of contradictions, intertextual implications, text and paratext in conflict with each another. It was for the most part inscrutable to figure out how Tommy and Philza related to one another. I’ll spare you every comment made about this – mostly because I want to spare myself from looking for all of them.

In the end, the current status is that their familial relationship is … unclear. Philza said, again in paratext, that it’s ultimately up to the writers to decide, whether or not Tommy is his son … which, I personally think he and Tommy should be the ones to establish that, but I’ll come back to that later.

But why is all of this important anyway? Why would this ambiguity create such an uproar, such controversy – especially when it comes to Tommy’s character? What makes Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship such a target for discussion in the fandom?

Well … this is where we will have to talk about the storyline of Season 2.

Interlude II: Tommy’s Exile and Dadza in Season 2

Okay, Season 2. This is where the spoilers are, so I will just sneakily drop this again. It took me five seconds to google this gif and I will milk it for every penny it’s worth!

At the beginning of Season 2, Philza’s narrative role has not changed much from where Season 1 ended. He is in L’Manburg dispensing earthly wisdom, being a paternal figure to Fundy, Ghostbur and Tubbo, helping with the nation’s rebuilding efforts; just generally occupying the role of the mentor.

[clips]

And then came … the Exile. The Exile Arc took place between December 3rd and December 15th during Season 2 of the Dream SMP. It revolves around TommyInnit getting exiled from L’Manburg and slowly getting psychologically tortured and broken down by Dream. It’s a really great arc, at least in my opinion, that explores and deepens a lot of Tommy’s character relationships, whether that be Tommy and Dream, Tommy and Tubbo or Tommy and Ranboo. One relationship, however, is noticeably missing.

So, yeah, Philza spends basically the entirety of the exile doing pretty much nothing of consequence. And that’s not a problem specific to him – One big criticism I would levy against the Exile Arc is that a lot of characters are left spinning their wheels. Which is why we get zany stuff like El Rapids, Drywaters, Eret’s Knights of the Roundtable, Boomerville – anyone remember Boomerville, that was a thing for 5 seconds, wasn’t it? – basically a lot of storylines are started and then unceremoniously dropped. Now, I will talk more about this, when I make a video about Season 2 of the Dream SMP … in ten years, look forward to it.

In the case of Philza, this inaction was especially damning, because at this point it was still a considered canon that he was Tommy’s dad. So, the fans were left with a situation, where just a few weeks prior Philza was occupying a paternal role for Fundy and Ghostbur … but now, that his youngest son was in a very concerning predicament – to put it lightly – he was nowhere to be found.

So why is that?

Well, the most obvious answer is that Dream and Tommy didn’t write him into the storyline. We’ve seen that Tommy wasn’t particularly interested in exploring a familial relationship to Philza, at least at the time. And it would just not fit in with what Dream and Tommy tried to do with the Exile Arc: they wanted to tell the story of Tommy being isolated, completely under Dream’s mercy, slowly worn down and manipulated. If Philza had been constant presence for Tommy during that time, it would have definitely shifted the narrative focus. That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t have done that, it’s just a matter of fact that they didn’t.

This also reveals another truth about content creator Philza’s character work, that I think is extremely crucial: He takes what the writers give him. Outside of a few choice moments, he doesn’t seem particularly interested in expanding or even solidifying his character on the SMP.

What I’m saying is that he is very go-with-the-flow: Wilbur wants to enact a Shakespearean tragedy? Philza’s up for it. Fundy wants him as a parental figure and mentor? Philza’s here for him. Tommy, conversely, doesn’t want him as a paternal presence, even though it would make sense for Philza’s character, as it was established so far, to be there? Philza will oblige.

The reason I’m mentioning this is because, while Tommy and Dream were unwilling to utilise Philza in their storyline, someone else was more than happy to. Which leads us back, like it always does, to everyone’s favourite Porky Pig-kinnie in a crown: Technoblade.

Technoblade and Philza, from everything I’ve seen of them, seem to be very good friends – and they share a lot of history even outside SBI. So, it’s commendable that they would collaborate on a storyline together.

A consequence of that, however, is that Philza’s narrative purpose shifts completely with very little transition. His entire character changes from being the Mentor-figure of L’Manberg to being pretty much exclusively defined as Technoblade’s ally; his man on the inside. It is a very sharp turn from the end of Season 1. Their relationship is once again informed via intertext – this time the Antarctic Empire on SMPEarth serves as the hypotext – but there isn’t a huge effort made to smoothly integrate that aspect of Philza’s character into the larger narrative framing around him.

How much the narrative utilisation of Philza has shifted can be very easily observed through the Butcher Army event on December 16th, a story event that I like less and less the more I think about. Here Philza is used to show just how corrupt and violent Tubbo’s administration has becomes. He is no longer the respected mentor, he is now the stand-in for the oppressed populace, similar to Niki’s role in Season 1. On a narrative level, he is here to prove a point.

If you’ve seen my Technoblade video, you know how I feel about … just that entire storyline, so I will not reiterate too much on it. I just want to make clear that I’m not principally against this development – if they wanted to truly explore Tubbo going down a dark path and getting corrupted by power, so much so that he would even treat the person who effectively raised him like a prisoner, I would be extremely here for it, I cannot stress that enough.

The problem I have is that it’s just so sloppily done. It is not coherent with how these characters behaved and, more importantly, how they were narratively framed prior to the Butcher Army event. Fundy gets one token line about Phil being his Grandfather – a far cry from the very emotionally complex relationship they had established at the beginning of Season 2 – and Phil then callously disowns him.

The major problem simply is that we don’t see how Philza changes from Mentor-figure to embittered, oppressed citizen. And there was enough time to build to that. During the entirety of Tommy’s exile Tubbo was pretty much spinning his wheels and Quackity and Fundy were opening up plot cul-de-sacs that didn’t end up going anywhere. This is time they could have spent on developing their relationship to Philza and the dark path they were going down – but again, Season 2 video.

There is not much to say on Philza’s narrative purpose and framing beyond the Butcher Army event. He remains pretty much exclusively Techno’s consigliere with his role as Mentor to L’Manburg a distant memory. He has some cute character moments with Ranboo, because content creator Philza is just big dad-energy whether he wants to or not, and whenever he and Ghostbur share a scene suddenly the narrative remembers that there are people other than Technoblade that should exist in Philza’s inner world. But aside from that, Philza’s storyline in Season 2 remains … pretty definitive is the nicest way I can put it.

Most importantly his relationship with Tommy continues to be completely unexplored – whether by chance or choice – and that combined with ever vaguer paratext leaves “Dadza” in a very peculiar situation.

 Conclusion: Is Dadza a Good Dadza?

So, the question to end all questions. The big, obnoxious text, that I will probably have put in the thumbnail – I haven’t made it yet, but I know myself. The honest answer is: I couldn’t tell you.

I have, in the past, been expounding the virtues of narrative analysis. That is because I feel that Narrative Analysis and Textual Analysis, like in this video, can provide certain tools that Character Analysis lacks. Often times I see people trying to get at a writing problem or query and getting frustrated because they’re not using the toolset, they need to figure out what they want to figure out.

But I’d be a hypocrite if I pretended like everything could be solved through the modes of analysis I prefer. And I think the Dadza-issue is exactly such a case.

I set out to explore why the Philza-Tommy-“Dadza”-relationship has become so controversial. It’s a combination of expectations build up through intertextual readings, that were partly canonized – something that is very common for the Dream SMP – conflicting pieces of paratext, which only serve to muddle the issue further and a text that is not only completely uninterested in actually exploring Tommy’s and Philza’s relationship – as it stands right now they might as well be strangers, narratively speaking – but also completely changes Philza’s narrative purpose as it relates to characters like Fundy or Tubbo about half-way through with little to no transition.

That is why I say, that Philza’s character is a victim of narrative circumstance. Because unwittingly, through all of these factors and decisions, there is not coherent reading of Philza that frames his parental skills in a particularly kind light.

The question of how we can judge Phil as a paternal figure ultimately falls within the purview of the character analysis – and that’s a very multifaceted issue, highly dependent on which POV you focus on and how you interpret the other characters in that POV’s periphery.

To put my cards on the table, I think that Philza is a very flawed father/father-figure – and I find that absolutely okay. Flaws are the spice of character building. He is not Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother – but he’s also definitely not Mufasa. If we were to read Philza as a paternal figure, then he would have made a lot of mistakes and decisions to the detriment of his “children” – least of all everything that happened on Doomsday.

But I also have sympathies for Philza fans who are tired of the Dad-Debate and would like to have his character judged independent from his relationship to Ghostbur, Fundy, Tubbo and Tommy.

Ultimately, to bring it all to a point, I’d like to end with saying, that I think that Philza, out of all the characters on the SMP, has the potential to be on of the most intriguing, multifaceted ones. There are all of these different patches of story, character moments and narrative and transtextual implications, that, if brought together, could create a beautiful tapestry of the character Philza.

You have his relationship with Techno, which holds the potential for so much emotional conflict and vulnerabilities, you have his time as mentor of L’Manburg, which is just criminally underused; the complex relationship between him and Ghostbur/Wilbur; and – for me, personally – most intriguingly this weird, almost uncomfortably distant non-relationship with Tommy. That last one is intriguing to me, because it contrasts just so much with our intertextual understanding of the characters and streaming personas – and it just holds the potential for so much conflict, so much drama, so much angst. Which I live for!

And, yes, I do believe that most of this is narrative happenstance, that this was largely not intended by Philza or really any of the writers. It’s just what happens when hybrid-roleplay-improv a long-running, livestreamed storyline in Minecraft.

But I want them to realize the potential they have on their hands, because it could – with barely any adjustments – turn Philza from a victim of narrative circumstance to a champion of it!

 Outro

Thank you so much for watching this video. Usually, I don’t record outros this standard, but after this beast of a video I felt it necessary. I hope that whether you’re a Philza fan or a Philza critical or just completely uninvolved in the whole thing, there is at least a little entertainment you could get from this.

I want to take this opportunity to say that my next few videos will probably not be Dream SMP related – a sentence which undoubtedly lost me a bunch of subs – simply because I don’t want to burn out on it. I genuinely enjoy watching the SMP and being exhausted by it would be something I wouldn’t want to force on myself.

But who knows what will happen? The Karl Jacobs video was something I did spur of the moment because the idea just came to me – so I can’t guarantee that the next video won’t be a three-minute joke about Purpled or whatever.

Anyway, my concrete plans for future Dream SMP videos are essays on Season 1 and Season 2 as well as one for Tales from the SMP.

Before that I have a longer video in the works, which I’ve already teased a bunch, so I hope it will finally be finished sometime. And I also may be working on something … eboys-related? Maybe. I’m not making any promises!

[comrade-meow]

The male-centered progressive left has successfully made woman-hating trendy.

Today, yet another “Karen” video went viral online. This time, it seems a woman flipped off a male driver, one Karlos Dillard, who then followed her home and filmed her as she melted down into hysterics, posting the video online, which included her home address and license plate. Over eight million views later (sure to be more by the time you read this), and Dillard is selling t-shirts based on the incident.

It seems this is a hobby for Dillard, who has posted other similarly antagonistic videos, accusing women of “racism” (despite no evidence of racism) in an attempt turn Karen virality into profit. Other t-shirts for sale on his Instagram profile include one with the words, “Karen… Are you OK?” and another reading, “Keep that same energy, Karen.”

The Karen meme has been misogynist from the getgo, originating from an anonymous male Reddit user, Fuck_You_Karen, who was angry at his ex-wife, named Karen, for taking custody of his children. In 2017, his misogynist rants became a subreddit, r/FuckYouKaren.

Recently, the meaning of “Karen” was said to refer specifically to middle class, middle aged white women who are so entitled they ask to speak to the manager when perturbed, but has since morphed into a specifically racist white woman, who “weaponizes” white, female fragility against largely black men. This connects to sexist tropes that claim women use their emotions, vulnerability, and tears to manipulate men.

What began as a joke has become more than that, and has moved into explicitly misogynist (and, in my opinion, dangerous) territory.

“Becky,” which originated as a means to refer to basic white women — the Uggs-wearing, Starbucks-buying, pumpkin spice-loving kind — probably young, probably blonde, probably not working class. Like “Karen,” I never found this to be particularly offensive, as I had little desire to defend boring people who love Starbucks, but what was once a joke has become something much more egregious.Following someone to their home, doxxing, filming, and harassing them because they gave you the finger is unhinged. People are going to act like assholes in this world, and you need to learn to deal with that. Moreover, these viral videos, like the Amy Cooper/Christian Cooper bird watching/dog-off-the-leash incident, are always decontextualized. No one really knows what happened preceding the video, nor do they know why either party reacted as they did. We all know social media leaves little room for nuance, and far too many people enjoy a rage reaction over asking questions or considering they may not know the full story. The truth is that, today, people’s lives can be destroyed in an instant, via a viral post. And our culture is wielding that power with very little care.

While those participating in the mobs targeting the subjects of these currently popular Karen videos claim some form of racial justice, this is not an accurate representation.

This has little to do with race, and everything to do with a progressive left that has adopted woman-hating as political virtue signalling.

Last week, journalist and editor Jonathan Kay tweeted a “Wanted” poster he’d come across in Toronto, depicting a young, blonde, white woman. The text below her face mocked her as a “Basic Bitch” — privileged, entitled, and unwoke. The image and text presents “Becky” as dangerous — the new enemy. The A.C.A.B. (All Cops Are Bastards) logo on the poster implies it likely was produced and distributed by young anarchist men. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they were white men, considering the face of groups (or non-groups, depending on who you ask) like Antifa.

The trend of presenting women as a threat extends beyond Becky and Karen. In recent years, Antifa, anarchists, trans activists, and leftists have targeted feminists who question the impact of gender identity ideology on women’s rights as dangerous — even more so than male predators. Rhetoric that claims “TERFs kill” intentionally erases the fact that it is men who are overwhelmingly responsible for violence against both women and men (including trans-identified males). As a result, reversing this claim to say “Kill TERFs” or to show up at events discussing gender identity with cardboard guillotines with the words “TERFs and SWERFs step right up” written on them has become an acceptable form of “activism.”

This has all happened within a left that has consistently ignored and even defended the misogyny, racism, and violence of prostitution and pornography, painting women who fight the sex trade as “whorephobic” and as causing harm to “sex workers.” Everyone knows who is responsible for the abuse that happens to women in porn and prostitution. We can see it on PornHub or we can read about it in the news. Yet the left consistently fails to hold those men accountable for the harm they cause. No, no. The real problem is women. Terms like “TERF” (which means “trans exclusionary radical feminist,” but, in practice, is used to smear anyone who questions gender identity legislation or ideology) and “SWERF” (which means “sex worker exclusionary radical feminist,” but is used to smear women — even women who have worked in the sex trade — who wish to stop the universal violence and exploitation inherent to prostitution) exist to misrepresent, vilify, and end conversation. One cannot defend a “TERF” or “SWERF” any more than one can defend a “Karen” or “Becky,” unless they would like to be pilloried as unwoke and bigoted themselves.

A few years ago, trans activists and their progressive allies adopted the term “cis” to refer to those whose “gender identity matches their sex.” Putting aside the fact that no one’s “gender identity” matches their sex, as whether or not a person is male or female has nothing to do with whether or not they identify with a list of sexist gender stereotypes, the term “cis” is said to denote “privilege.” This means that a woman who understands she is female is, as per trans ideology, “privileged” over a man who desires to be viewed as a woman or who does not feel connected to masculine stereotypes. This is ridiculous, of course, as women are impacted by sexism on account of being born female, and are vulnerable to male violence regardless of how they identify. Understanding one is female does not make a woman “privileged,” it makes her a sane human being. In other words, “cis” or “cisprivilege” completely erases the reality of sexism and male violence against women. Suddenly, we are to believe women pose a threat to males who identify as transgender. Just as we are now to believe “Becky” and “Karen” are so dangerous they deserve to be hated, harassed, and destroyed. Maybe punched. Maybe worse.

This is, I’m afraid, woman-hating. And it is dangerous. The popularity of the Karen meme has led people to seek out and invent Karens in order to gain followers and profit, as evidenced by Dillard’s racket. And rhetoric that positions feminists as dangerous, harmful “TERFs” has led to the acceptance of open violent threats against women, simply for speaking out in defence of women’s rights and spaces. Karen, Becky, SWERF, and TERF are nothing more than excuses to hate women. And I am tired of people participating and defending this misogyny simply because it is on trend, and because it results in applause from the male centred left.

Yes, women can be assholes. Yes, women can be racist. No, women are not all innocent victims. But this has become about much more than calling out annoying, racist, or entitled behaviour. And, in fact, I think it was always about more than that. Let’s stop this before someone gets (literally) hurt.

[batwynn]

Quarantine Positive Mental and Physical Health Checklist:

Note: Not everything works for everyone and not every service is provided by your local services, so please always take advice with consideration of that fact. ALWAYS check with your doctor or informed professionals about anything that requires medical treatment, etc. 

(American) National Suicide Hotline:

1-800-273-8255

List of international hotlines:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

(WARNING! Some of these are no longer operational. Double check in your country for a line if one of these does not work.)

*IF  YOU HAVE/THINK YOU HAVE COVID19 AND ARE SELF ISOLATING TO HEAL AT HOME:

*If you have asthma or any other chronic lung conditions, heart conditions, or kidney conditions please be sure to call either your doctor’s office or the ER if you are experiencing any symptoms of the virus. (Fever, dry cough, trouble breathing.)

*If you are trans and bind or bind your chest for any reason, DO NOT WEAR A BINDER IF YOU HAVE ANY OF THE SYMPTOMS! This virus attacks the lungs! You could cause serious complications and end up hospitalized or worse. I understand the need to bind, and I understand the dangers of not binding. But please, please DO NOT BIND when sick or symptomatic. 

WHO does not recommend people use Ibuprofen, but to use Tylenol for fever and pain reduction.  

Please remember to keep up your intake of fluids!

Checklist: 

Have you taken your medication(s)? — with the stress levels at high right now, now might be a good time to make up a schedule somewhere for your daily medications and their times. If you need reminders, you can use your phone’s calendar function (with an alert set at ‘at the time of the event’) or the ‘reminders’ application (iPhone). If you can’t use these, or don’t have them on your phone, consider asking someone who is available and able to send you a message/text/call to alert you to take your medication(s). If you don’t have a phone, try to place the schedule somewhere you will see it often during the day. (Possibly on the fridge, by your desk, by your bed, etc.) Multiple copies of the schedule might also help.  

Have you been drinking your water, or other fluids? —Hydration is important whether you’re sick or not! If you have trouble drinking water, good alternatives would be coconut water or low-added-sugar juices. (100% juices are best) Sipping soups like broth can also hydrate, but be careful of salt content! Many fruits and veggies also have a high water content. Try: celery, cauliflower, spinach, broccoli, dark leafy greens, tomatoes, watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, kiwis or oranges.

Have you spoken today? If not, try to read a few lines of something out loud just to stretch out your jaw and vocal cords a bit. A lot of tension can be held in your jaw, and it’s good to loosen it up a bit every so often. 

Have you had enough sleep? Your mood/health can be seriously affected by lack of sleep. If you’re having trouble going to sleep: Consider reading something familiar and comforting before bed, or consider putting your phone away an hour or so before going to bed, and try to keep it just out of reach. With everything that’s going on, the temptation to check the news all the time or scroll for hours to try to de-stress is understandable. Try to limit yourself to certain times of the day, and avoid doing it late into the night. *There are medications of all sorts from over the counter Melatonin to prescription medications that can help with falling asleep, staying asleep, nightmares, and more. Please reach out to your doctor/therapist/psychologist if you think you need help with sleep. 

Dealing with chronic illnesses or pain and aren’t allowed to go in for your usual appointments or PT(Physical therapy)? Check in with your doctor/specialist’s office by phone and see if they are allowing phone/video appointments. A lot of offices are doing this, and some are willing to refill medications/start new medications via these appointments. MOST Pharmacies will now deliver your medications to your home, some even for free. If you don’t already have a print out of home PT exercises for your specific pain areas, call and ask for them to either mail one to you, or direct you to one online. It’s important to keep up with your PT!

If you’re low on food due to money/stores being empty and you need to keep your blood sugar up, you can try to even things out with Glucose Tablets.  These are not a replacement for a meal, though! Please check all your local food pantries, churches, and even school food programs.

A lot of schools are offering a meals-on-wheels-like program for people with children in need. 

And if you’re elderly, Meals on Wheels is working extra hard to make sure everyone has food, including doubling up the amount you get per week for a lot of people.*  (Please also consider donating to them if you have the funds!) 

If none of these options work, please call 211 to speak to a member of the United Way call center who can help connect you to resources in your area. (This is not just for food.)

Stuck inside with family/roommates/partners and need some alone time?—If you have a private room, stick a sign on the door requesting to be left alone. Adding a period of time can help give them an idea of how long before knocking. For example: ‘Leave me alone for 40 minutes unless emergency please!’ If you do not have a room to yourself, if possible make up a plan with your roommates/family/partners to designate alone time in a room. Each member of the household can have 1 hour time alone in the bedroom/living room/bathroom/etc. Try to keep communication open, even when you really need to be alone. Make sure the others know you need this time, and that it might be good for them, too.

Did you eat today?

• If you feel like you’re dissociating, try counting your fingers or looking at your finger whorls. Remember that they are unique to you, that you are real. If this doesn’t work, you can also try counting things of one shape or color in the room to try to ground yourself in your surroundings. Fidgeting or chewing gum can also help stimulate your senses, which can help keep you grounded.

• If you are having a panic attack:

1: Ground yourself to reality with something familiar like a keychain or even pictures of something on your phone. [Cats and dogs are good.] Also, do not trust everything your mind/body is telling you right now. Thoughts like, ‘i’m going to die’, ‘everyone is leaving me’, ‘everyone hates me’, are a part of the panic, try not to linger on them, because they will only make it worse. A good trick is to try to replace these thoughts with a mental image of something either calming or silly. Like a Sloth, or a unicorn fighting a giant jelly bean.

2: Find a space that feels the safest for you, and stay there.

3: Take slow, deep breaths. After breathing in for four seconds, hold it for a few seconds before breathing out for another four seconds.

4: Stimulate your mind with something simple, and not stressful. Tap your fingers, re-read nice messages from someone, play a game one your phone that doesn’t require any thought or is timed.

5: You are doing a really good job. You don’t have to feel embarrassed. You are not alone. You are strong, and awesome.

Try not to feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed, upset, angry, sad, etc. This is a really rough time, and you’re allowed to feel how you feel.

Did you brush your teeth today?

Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone!-Reach out to someone you know, if you need it. If you can’t find someone, feel free to reach out to me and we can talk, or I can direct you to someone else who might be more equipped to help. 

Have you hurt yourself recently? Please take the time to clean and cover it. I know it’s hard to take care of yourself right now, but it’s not good to get an infection especially with the hospitals and doctors possibly turning you away due to the influx if COVID19 patients. 

It’s okay to take time to get going, and no, you do NOT have to write that book right now. 

You don’t have to talk about it if you aren’t ready. Being stuck inside with people does not mean they get to pressure you to open up about anything you’re not ready to open up about. 

You CAN talk about it, if you’re ready. Your problems are real, even if they might seem small or insignificant in the face of huge, global issues. 

If you are stuck in a home with an abusive person and cannot get out because of the current situation, please remember there are many applications, chats, text lines, phone lines available depending on where you are and who you are. 

Have you stretched in the past hour? 

Here are some online/phone options for AA/substance abuse groups. 

Pet a cute animal today! If you can’t, there’s loads of livestreams from all over the world with cute animals on display! 

10 relaxing online games

Try making one of these comfort foods: 

American Comfort Foods

Canadian Comfort Foods Indian Comfort Foods Japanese Comfort Foods German Comfort Foods Mexican Comfort Foods [sorry, a lot of Tex-mex in there.]

Remember: You matter. Your feelings matter. Your life matters. 

[ourimpavidheroine]

The Fire Nation, anyone? Let’s check in with the Firelord herself.

Juziya

I created the character of Sozui for Fic Purposes and then realized I didn’t actually want him to be the Firelord. Therefore I needed an older sibling for him. I was toying with names and thinking about this character and she just appeared there, tall, implacable, powerful yet feminine. And then I realized she had an Adam’s apple and I was like...hey, I’ve got a transwoman here.

I didn’t actually tell my readers that for a long time; my mistake, absolutely. I thought I was doing the right thing by treating her like just another character but I was speaking to a trans student I have here and mentioned trans characters in fiction and long story short, he called me on my bullshit and set me straight. (Uh, so to speak.) I immediately wrote it in to the fic I was currently working on at the time. I’ve apologized for my ignorance before but let me do it again: to all of my trans readers, I was wrong to not identify Juziya as trans from the very beginning and I am truly sorry for any hurt I caused. It will not happen again.

What can I tell you about her? Juziya’s mother, Mizuko, is mentally ill; she was Izumi’s oldest daughter and should have been the Firelord but Izumi knows by the time she is in her teens that Mizuko may not be able to rule. Mizuko marries for love; she does not recover well from Juziya’s birth and Izumi moves the family to a royal estate out in the very well-guarded countryside of Capital Island. Juziya lives there with her parents - while her mother steadily gets worse - until she’s ten and she and her year old baby brother are moved to the Palace where she is trained to be the next Firelord. (To be clear, Juziya would have eventually been the Firelord anyhow, but she would have followed her mother rather than her grandmother.)

Juziya is sharply intelligent and carries a lot of responsibility on her shoulders. By the time she is crowned Firelord her nation is the largest in the world, with the strongest economy. It is also a conservative nation, with ancient traditions that are far more than just lip service. 

Her education, although conducted privately, is extensive. Her grandmother starts to bring Juziya with her to court when Juziya turns thirteen. Izumi is very aware that Juziya will have to rule with an iron fist: for one thing, the Earth Kingdom has been dissolved, which means a huge change in terms of world politics and world economy. For another Zuko is gone and while his legacy carries on, there are noble families who either didn’t like how he did things or who hope to take advantage of this young, untested ruler. Juziya begins ruling in a world of great change, and it takes a strong monarch to navigate that in the best way for their nation. Juziya is raised to be that monarch and it will, for her entire life, be her only focus.

Juziya understands this and while she is a fair monarch, she does have the iron fist the Fire Nation needs during her particular range. She knows that she is doing what she is doing so that her eventual heir - Sozui’s child - will be able to be a different kind of Firelord. Sometimes she grieves who she must be, but never publicly. 

She and Sozui are extremely close; he is the person in the world who matters the most to her (although she dotes on Lozan and behind closed doors will be a very loving Auntie Ziya). Under her grandmother’s advice, she chooses while Sozui is still underage not to marry or have heirs. She knows that the next Firelord being her niece/nephew will mean a fresh start for the Fire Nation, a chance for the people to love that Firelord without her legacy hanging over them. She is, in that, absolutely correct. That is exactly what happens.

She regrets deeply that she must force Sozui to provide her with an heir. She is very glad when the tension between herself and Naoki is resolved and Lozan is firmly secured as the next Firelord and her brother comes home. He is the only person she feels she can really trust, really rely on when it comes to anything personal.

Juziya has no time for romance and knows better than to risk it since she is clearly unattached. The Firelord does not need to be part of a scandal. She’s mostly not interested in all of that, either; it was not a huge loss for her to never marry or even seek discreet lovers. She does, however, harbor certain feelings for Qi, and always will. Juziya is so reserved, however, her walls so unapproachable, that the only person who will ever know is Sozui, who knows her the best. And he will most certainly never tell.

She is a very good Firelord. Sometimes, however, duty takes its toll.

I'll smile, I know what it takes to fool this town

I'll do it 'til the sun goes down And all through the night time, oh yeah, Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what you want to hear Keep my sunglasses on while I shed a tear It's never the right time, yeah, yeah I'll put my armor on, Show you how strong I am I'll put my armor on, I'll show you that I am I'm unstoppable I'm a Porsche with no brakes I'm invincible Yeah, I win every single game I'm so powerful I don't need batteries to play I'm so confident I'm unstoppable today Unstoppable today [3x] I'm unstoppable today I break down, only alone I will cry out loud You'll never see what's hiding out Hiding out deep down, yeah, yeah I know I've heard that to let your feelings show Is the only way to make friendships grow But I'm too afraid now, yeah, yeah I'll put my armor on, Show you how strong I am I'll put my armor on, I'll show you that I am I'm unstoppable I'm a Porsche with no brakes I'm invincible Yeah, I win every single game I'm so powerful I don't need batteries to play I'm so confident I'm unstoppable today Unstoppable today [3x] I'm unstoppable today Unstoppable today [3x] I'm unstoppable today I'll put my armor on, Show you how strong I am I'll put my armor on, I'll show you that I am I'm unstoppable I'm a Porsche with no brakes I'm invincible Yeah, I win every single game I'm so powerful I don't need batteries to play I'm so confident I'm unstoppable today Unstoppable today [3x]

[wild-at-mind]

Tw religious homophobia

I love my mum but yesterday I think I realised I was right to be cautious about sexuality and gender stuff. She attends an accepting of LGBT people Evangelical church (this was explicitly clear on the 2 times I visited which is the way it should be in Evangelical churches imo- you must understand we can't ever assume!). My mum's boss, who is an independent financial adviser who employs just my mum and currently one vacant position, attends the Evangelical church I grew up in. My mum said she thought it was odd that her boss is 'anti-gay' (softening term for homophobic), when she is also divorced, because Evangelicals have been very anti divorce in the past. They only changed because their congregations would be half empty if they condemned divorce so strongly. I said no it makes perfect sense because like are changing with the times while pretending they are not which is the wont of evangelical churches. (full credit to Tor at speakingwhentheworldsleeps for teaching me this observation.) Among other things it means the church never has to face up to its past because they have always been this way, so wonderfully convenient isn't it?

My mum talks about her boss's homophobia as if it's ok because in time she will not be homophobic when the Evangelical church finally evolves to accept gay people. She did not seem to think of any downsides for the people who interact with boss in her day to day life. I said 'hmmm well I guess boss doesn't hire many people. Let's hope [boss's 2 daughters] are not gay'. It wasn't the best rejoinder but I could tell it made my mum realise for a sec: oh yeah homophobic beliefs actually have real world consequences and are not just private things!! Then she said 'or if [daughter1] or [daughter2] are gay hopefully they will tell boss after they leave home.' WTF. I'm stunned. Don't know where to start because how awful? Even if neither daughter is gay or bi that is so toxic. My mum appears to have no idea how damaging this is.

My mum revealed she thinks there are about 3% gay people in the population. .........this may explain why she talks this way, I think she thinks she has never met a gay person and never will. I tried to introduce the idea of a wider LGBT community, of bi and trans people neither of which are loved by Evangelical Christians, a much larger percentage of the world. I don't think she believes me and I truly think she thinks very, very few people have 'same sex attraction' (this phrase used in layman's ciscentric terms not as in the popular gender critical dogwhistle). I'm amazed. When I was at school the figure I heard for gay people was 10%. That was like 15 years ago. Obviously any figure will be a huge guess and definitely under the real figure and we don't know if gay means 'same gender attracted' or 'only attracted to the same gender' and even a survey just counting bisexuals will miss out people who are attracted to the same gender but in deep denial about it currently, or to such a small extent they consider it uncountable....point is her views are far more outdated than I could have ever guessed.

I hope anyone reading this understands that this isn't something I feel I can quickly talk her round on. I will try again some time when I'm not taken by surprise. I know her background on these things but she reads a lot of lefty online content now as well as a left leaning newspaper, I had hoped she had absorbed more. I'm sure this all feels very trite to people who have been kicked out or disowned. You're right, it is. And perhaps I should have made a far bigger fuss about her words and hoped she didn't guess why I cared so much. I think she has been left with the idea that maybe her boss's homophobia has consequences, but perhaps I should have been less calm.

Today I feel terrible, depressed and sad. Putting myself back into compartments. I'm lucky I can hide. I love my mum and I'm so sad about this. I knew I was right to not tell anyone in my family, the more people know the worse. I just want to mind my own business and bury my head in the sand and keep spending nice times with my mum. I know that makes me a hypocrite. (But also, I don't WANT her to think of me being damaged by the homophobia in our church when I was growing up. It feels cruel to do that to her. And I don't think she would understand how it could harm someone who is 'only' bisexual, because I could and did date 'straight').

[dragon-writes-sometimes]

I Hate Me More!

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Characters: Virgil, Roman.

Relationships: Prinxiety

Summary: Virgil has had the worst day of his life. Well, it's up that alley anyway. Roman isn't helping with being as extra as he is, but they eventually get to talking about what's going on. And it makes Roman start to think that, just this once, violence and murder was the way to go.

Word count: 2254

A/N: PLEASE!!! Read the tags!! This is very angsty (for me, and I wrote it)! I had to take many breaks from writing this due to the sheer amount of angst and crying! I don't know how angst writers do this every day!

This was inspired by an incorrect quote made by @MusicalsAndLove on Twitter.

Please stay safe my lovelies!

(This was also written on Virgil’s birthday... so happy birthday, Virgil?)

AO3 link

I Hate Me More!

Virgil was having a bad day. Well, all days were bad days, but this one was even worse. He’d been kicked out of his parents’ house a month ago for being himself. Like, come on. It was almost 2020. Get with the times already. Being trans and gay was nothing new at this point.

He’d moved in with his childhood friend and present boyfriend, Roman Green, after that. Roman Green he was going to kill! He loved Roman, don’t get him wrong. He really loved Roman. But sometimes he could be too much. Especially on his really bad days.

Roman was currently singing at the top of his lungs in the small apartment's living room. Being too extra about it, as well. Princey-style. He’d just come back from his last lecture of the day, Virgil had been home for a few hours at that point. And was just recovering from a panic attack.

Virgil stomped down to the living room from their shared bedroom down the hall. “Could you shut up for just one minute, Princey?!” Virgil asked, irritated. Roman stopped belting out songs as soon as he heard Virgil’s voice.

“Greetings to you too, my lovely Stormcloud. And nay to your question. Otherwise, how would I be able to serenade the most beautiful man in the world?” Roman smirked, turning around to look at Virgil.

“Stop already! You’re so infuriating sometimes! ARGH!” Virgil went to grab at his hair but stopped himself last second.

Roman dropped his smirk into a frown. Something was off. This wasn’t their usual daily after-class banter. “Are you alright, Virgil? What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” he asked. He shouldn’t have.

Virgil metaphorically exploded at being called pretty. He usually didn’t mind it, but after today’s events, it was the worst thing Roman could’ve chosen to say to him. “PRETTY?!” he all but screeched. “Is that all I am to you? Just a pretty face?! Someone to pity and show off? To show what a saint you are?! Ooh, look! It’s poor little Virgil who can’t figure himself out! He was kicked out of his own house because he was so fucked up! Let’s help him to show the world what a good person I am!”

Something was definitely off, but Roman’s mind only fixated on Virgil’s words. His statements. Roman saw red. How dare he insinuate that! “What’s wrong with you, Virgil?! How can you even think that?!”

“I’m right, aren’t I? I’m just a pity-project!” Virgil shouted.

“No! No, you’re not! God, what do you want from me?!” Roman yelled back.

“Nothing!! Absolutely nothing! I want nothing to do with you!” Virgil all but roared. It stirred Roman further into his red set of mind.

Before he could think about what to say next, he heard himself say the biggest falsehood in his life, one that was spurred on by the heat of the moment.

“Oh, my g- I hate you!” And Roman went silent. Had he just said that? Why did he say that? He loved Virgil! More than anything and anyone!

Virgil went silent as well. Tears in his eyes. And the wheels in Roman’s brain started turning again. “Yeah, well I hate me more.” His voice went quiet, and Roman almost didn’t hear him. “I hate me more.”

And the gears clicked. Why Virgil had acted out. His family. “I- I didn’t mean it, Virge. Please, babe,” Roman said with the softest voice Virgil had heard from the other man. And Roman slowly went closer to Virgil. Closer and closer. Until he was only a breath away and embraced him. “We’ve talked about this. You have to tell me when you’re having a bad day.” Virgil was hiding his face in Roman’s chest, sobbing his heart out. “You have to tell me right away when your parents try and get to you. I love you. I won’t let them get to you. I swear it,” he quietly continued as he rubbed soothing circles Virgil’s back.

Roman’s heart broke at the sound of Virgil’s sobs. “I’m s’ry. ‘M s’ s’ry! I-I…” Virgil’s muffled cries came from Roman’s chest. And that sound shattered Roman’s heart.

“Shh, hush, darling. It’s not your fault. I love you so much. But please, tell me what happened. At your own pace. I love you so, so much!” he mumbled as he kissed Virgil’s head.

Virgil nuzzled into Roman’s touch. “Mm, love you too, Ro. I-” Virgil moved a bit to look at Roman. “Can we move to the couch, please?”

Roman’s heart was in danger of bursting from heartbreak at the look in Virgil’s eyes. So pleading and red and hurt almost beyond repair. “Of course, Love.”

After they had settled on the couch, Virgil started crying again. “I’m s- so fucking sor-sorry, Ro-oman! I-I didn’t mean it! I-I just-”

“I know. Love, I know.” Roman kissed Virgil’s hair once more. “But you have to let me know. It doesn’t matter if I’m in class. You tell me right away! Please,” Roman said seriously while looking Virgil in the eye.

Virgil sniffled and rubbed his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again and hid his face in the crock of Roman’s neck.

“What happened, my darling Stormcloud?” Roman was getting very worried. He’d never seen Virgil like this except for when he stood at Roman’s doorstep a month ago after his parents kicked him out.

Roman moved Virgil so that he was sitting in Roman’s lap. The recently turned 18 art student looked down at Roman’s chest, to scared to look him in the eye after what he said, even though Roman semi figured out what was going on with him.

Virgil softly placed his hands on Roman’s flat chest, one hand starting to softly trace it. God, he wanted a flat chest like his handsome boyfriend. Tears began to blur his vision once more.

“Virgil?” Roman spoke so softly that you couldn’t really blame Virgil for immediately surging up to kiss him. Roman was surprised at first but reciprocated it after only a moment. It was wet and sloppy but passionate.

They broke apart after a minute. “I’m really sorry for saying those things,” Virgil whispered his mouth only a breath away from Roman’s lips. He leaned his forehead on Roman’s before continuing. “My parents-” his voice broke.

“You don’t have to tell me right now. We can just cuddle until you feel a bit better, Love. I’m not pressuring you,” Roman murmured before kissing Virgil again, just a little peck on the lips.

Virgil smiled at the love and affection radiating from Roman and directed at him. “But I want to. I need to.” Virgil sighed, and his smile dropped. “I ran into them today.”

Roman visibly tensed. Virgil could tell he was trying to not show his anger towards them. When Virgil stood in front of Roman’s door on his 18th birthday, Roman had to really control himself so he wouldn’t take off and take out the rightful anger he felt on Virgil’s behalf on his parents.

Roman nodded for Virgil to continue. He wanted to know what the hell they did to his precious Stormcloud!

“They- it was in Remy’s coffee shop. I don’t know when or how they found it. Remy said they’d never been there before. Reina hadn’t seen them before, either. I didn’t see them at first. Was sitting with my back against the door. They-” Virgil’s voice broke again, and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat. “They deadnamed me.”

Roman was seething. Absolutely seething. He considered violence an atrocity but was at that moment planning two murders. Those people knew not what respect was at all!

Virgil hugged himself back into Roman, seeking comfort. “I- they- they said ‘well, i-if it isn’t our p-pretty little daughter, Victoria’. I fr-froze. It didn’t sound l-like they were the by ac-accident,” Virgil said, voice barely above a whisper.

Roman stiffened. “So that’s how I set you off? By saying you’re pretty? I’m so sorry, Virgil! Had I known, I would never have said it! Please forgive me!” Roman hid his face in Virgil’s neck. He was close to tears himself. Stupid! He should’ve noticed Virgil’s mood wasn’t one of banter sooner! Shouldn’t have called him pretty! What was he good for?!

Virgil sniffed out a small laugh. “I know, Ro. You would never do that. You didn’t know, so you don’t need to ask for my forgiveness. But… I forgive you.” Virgil breathed in Roman’s sent. So nice and calming. He smelled like the forest they used to play in when they were younger, with just a hint of lilacs and old books. Bottom line: he smelled Perfect with a capital P.

“What happened then?” Roman asked softly. He had a suspicion but hoped that that was it; what Virgil had told already. Of course, that sadly wasn’t the case.

“They- they started shouting and belittling me, and I didn’t do anything! I just sat there, all frozen.” Virgil was sniffling again, he was very close to tears once more. “If it weren’t for Remy and Reina, I don’t think they would’ve stopped. I might’ve even gotten physical between them and me. I feel so fucking guilty for leaving Ann behind! She has to live with them for two more years! I just wish I could’ve taken her with me out of that hell-hole…” Virgil trailed off, remembering what came next. Roman was going to flip when he told him. Virgil just knew it.

“I love your sister like she’s my own sister, so I get it, Virgil. But we have to stay strong. Maybe we can find something on your parents that’ll make them lose custody over her. I’m sure Remus’ partner, Dee, would be more than happy to help! They could definitely find something we can use against them!” Roman declared, mentally striking a dramatic pose.

Virgil hugged Roman even tighter because he knew what was about to be said was not pretty.

“Hey, what is it, Virgil? Did something else happen?” Roman asked, sensing Virgil’s discomfort. Virgil nuzzled himself closer to Roman in response. ”I’ll take that as a yes. You feel comfortable telling me?”

Virgil took a deep breath. He could do this. He slowly pulled back to look at Roman, tears in his eyes. “Remember how I got a new number after… you know?” Roman nodded. “Yeah, well, I made sure Ann got it so we could keep in touch, as you know.”

Roman didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah? What does that have to do with your parents being assholes to you?” Roman was very worried by the way Virgil avoided his soft gaze.

Virgil fished his phone up from his pocket and shoved it into Roman’s hands. Roman looked quizzically at Virgil.

“When I got back here I-I got a call from Anastacia.” Virgil paused. This was gonna be tough. “Except- except it wasn’t her. Mom and dad they- they got a hold of her phone. They were the ones calling me. I- I thought I’d gotten away from them! And when they called- I didn’t hang up! I let them scream at me over the phone! I- I didn’t say anything, though. So they hung up.” Virgil chanced a glance at Roman’s face, and Roman was no longer contemplating committing murder. He was actually going to do it!

But for now, Roman was going to be there for Virgil. And hear out the rest of Virgil’s story. So if he held him a little tighter? Well, you couldn’t blame him in the slightest.

Virgil nuzzled his head against Roman's chest again and listened to his heartbeat. “Open my phone, and it will tell you the rest,” Virgil sighed. And check it, Roman did.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with them?!” The phone was filled with hateful texts from his parents. Both from their phones, but also from Anastacia’s. And just as he was about to turn back to kiss Virgil, another text message dinged in.

And Virgil froze. “What does it say?” he asked after a lot of internal debating and at least a minute of hesitation.

Roman didn’t really want to indulge Virgil but knew that it was better that he saw it now, together than later when he was alone. Roman felt sick at what it said. ‘Think of what you did, you sinning little faggot. Learn your place in the world!’ is what the text said. “We’re gonna get a hold of Dee right now! I think this’ll help us get at least a restraining order!” Roman practically growled.

“So, worse than the rest,” Virgil whispered. Not a question, but a statement. “Can we- can we stay here for a while? Just. Cuddling? Text Remus, but please just stay?” Virgil asked, voice so quiet and doubting.

“Of course, my beautiful dark angel! I would love nothing more! And I will text him. But for now; cuddles,” Roman whispered back, kissing Virgil’s hair before softly using his hand to tilt his head up to give Virgil a tentative and caring kiss, trying to pour as much love in it as he could muster.

“Mmm, cuddles,” Virgil mumbled as he slowly broke away from the kiss to curl up in Roman’s lap, starting to dose off, the excess anger and anxiety had left him rather tired. This day had just turned from the worst to the not worst. “Cuddles. Cuddles good.”

Endnotes: And if you want to kill Virgil's parents? You're not alone! I wanna kill them, too! All throughout writing this, actually.           

[shouldiwritetoday]

Nanowrimo Week 1

Days 1-8

Words: 6668/50000 | 6668/13336

So, I’m like four days behind. Whatever. I’ll get over it. The point is that I’ve written at least like a hundred words each day. Which is a win. For me. I wrote the most today (2656). I’m just finding it really hard to find the motivation to write.

Anyway, I’m writing a story about a soap opera actress whose character is going to be killed off, but before that can happen, she suddenly wakes up in the world of the show and everyone is calling her by her character’s name, so now she has to figure out a way to not die.

Snippet:

The studio was like a second home. When Bee had first been cast, on her first day at work, she couldn’t imagine ever feeling comfortable in such a formidable building with hundreds of people coming in and out, doing heaven knows what at all odd hours of the day. Hell, she couldn’t have even imagined that she would have ever made it this far in her career.

Lyla Blake was her breakout role into stardom. Lyla was a friend Bee could never shake off by now. More soft spoken, less abrasive than she really was. She had unintentionally adopted some of Lyla’s mannerisms after practicing them for hours on end. For example, Bee had never twirled her hair before it became Lyla’s signature way of thinking. Lyla was always more simple minded, a little too eager to please, a little too willing to forgive. She had a near perfect life — a nice home with a nice husband with a nice family supporting her. Well, except for her brother-in-law, but that was another dramatic story all together. The only thing Lyla was missing was children and Bee desperately hoped that this new story arc Lowry was announcing included them.

She greeted those she knew, politely acknowledged those she didn’t but who had welcomed her in. As she made her way over to the offices, she wondered about the fates of other characters in the show. While she liked to believe Lyla was the one and only really important character, soap operas were ensembles and even just one scene could throw off an entire character arc with developmental issues that needed seasons to fix.

Jackson Blake was Lyla’s husband. He was played by, of course, Will Fairfax. He had been struggling with the fall out of his brother Elijah (Ryan Kelsey) abandoning him and the rest of the family upon marrying Lyla. The relationship never recovered and they had yet to figure out the reason why Elijah despised Lyla so. 

Meanwhile, Emma Caroll (played by the amazing and Emmy-award winning actress Scarlett Agapov) was recovering from a particularly bad case of pneumonia after she had been locked out of her house in the middle of a storm with a dead phone and her husband, Ian (Phillip Nicolaides), hadn’t realized she was missing as he had fallen asleep watching movies on the couch with their two children Hannah and Travis. Ian was currently in therapy for almost inadvertently causing her wife’s death. If Brandon Tran (Daniel Ho) hadn’t been coming home from his late night affair with the older and married Mrs. Theresa Martines (Vera de la Cruz), then Emma very well could have died. 

And there was that business to consider. Brandon and Elijah were best friends. Both of them schemed behind Jackson and Lyla’s back. Mrs. Martines was, after all, the wife of Jackson’s boss. However, to further complicate things, Mr. Ricardo Martines (Julio Montoya) had had a past relationship with Lyla’s father in their school days which was coming back to haunt him after the reintroduction of the Michaels family after the wedding. Mr. Martines was right back at it again with questioning his sexuality, thereby leading his wife to have an affair as they were childless. That is to say, whatever plots Brandon and Elijah cook up to pass onto Theresa to then enact on Jackson and inevitably foiled by Ricardo who wishes to do right by the husband of the daughter of his first love. Because there was a missed opportunity or something.

Not to mention, Bee also knew that with this new story arc a new character would be added. Arabella Jones. Bee didn’t know who the actress for her was yet. Some unknown, to be sure. She was also eager to learn her purpose. Most importantly, she hoped that they would get along because nothing was worse than having a coworker she couldn’t stand. The only real friends she had on set were Will and Cassidy Carmichael, who played Olivia O'Malley, the physical therapist who had an on again/off again relationship with Elijah.

Cassidy greeted Bee over by the coffee maker. Skylar went off to talk to a producer, remarking that they would chat again later.

Cassidy Carmichael was a tall woman of thirty. Her straight blonde hair came to her cleft chin in a sweet bob, extenuating the faint roundness of her cheeks. Hazel eyes sparkled at Bee like the day had grown infinitely more interesting. “So,” she said, “d’you think I’ll break up with Eli over five times, or less?”

“Hmm…” Bee pretended to think. “You’re going to break up with him twice, he’s going to call it off three times, and for extra shit, giggles, and drama, when getting back together the last time, he’s going to skip straight to proposing and you two will elope.”

“No way,” Cassidy said. “I’m going to propose.”

Bee laughed. “Right. Because Olivia loves to walk straight into fires unprotected.”

“Nah. It’s ‘cause she’s a right bitch who tries so hard to make her own life difficult.”

They shared a smile. It was one of their favorite pastimes to think up possible plot lines that the writers were thinking of and why they deemed them suitable. Guessing relationship statuses were almost too easy. Cassidy had called the exact season, episode, and page of the script where Jackson proposed to Lyla like she was some sort of soap opera prophet. Those participating in that particular bet had been thoroughly impressed.

Later, Cassidy had told Bee that she had slept with Andrew and dug through his files while he was asleep. Bee laughed for days afterwards.

“So,” Cassidy continued, a sly smirk on her face. Bee prepared herself for whatever provocation was about to be unleashed. “It’s been three months since you-know-who broke up with his girlfriend.”

Clearing her throat, Bee maintained a neutral expression. “So?”

Cassidy nudged her, grinning. “Make your move, Bee. Before some other young filly snatches him up or Catherine comes back to stake her claim.”

Bee rolled her eyes and shrugged, her gaze shifting to her shoes. “I don’t know, Cass,” she sighed. “They were together for three years. You don’t exactly get over a three year relationship in three months.”

“You might, if the next girl to come along has been one of your best friends for the past five years and is super hot.” Cassidy paused to consider her next words. “And, you know, if you’ve already had steamy make out sessions with her.”

“Those were for work!” Bee cried, which only gained her a shrug in reply. “I don’t exactly have a way of knowing if he’s interested in me, nor do I know how to make it clear to him that I am.” This earned her a short laugh, to which she glared at. “Seriously, Cass. I can’t just walk up to Will and say—”

“Ooh,” a low, baritone voice that rang like a heavenly choir cut in. “What kind of gossip can you not just walk up and tell Will?”

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hey, so I'm force to go to this xenophobic church in Manhattan- they even have an organization where they go to abortion clinics and coerce people w/ uteruses to not go forward with the abortion (they are very open with promoting this organization). I stopped paying tithes to them a long time ago, because knowing what I know abt the intricacies of childbirth & what it's like to be LGBTQ+ in particular, I literally cannot support what the church is doing bc I believe its harmful (1)

Today my mom and I were talking about finances and I’ve been in a sort of bind recently because I’ve had to pay off credit cards, one of which I used to pay for repairs to my car & another person’s car when I got into an accident over the summer, plus I still have my biweekly car payments to worry about. I’ve been managing, but I dont really have much money to myself, and because everyone’s out at either work or school, I normally buy food for myself because no one is home to cook. (2)

My mom straight up told me that the reason why I have been broke is b/c I’m not paying tithes, which kind of took me off guard bc I thought it was because I wasnt putting in as much hours for school (I have a two day break on Monday-Tuesday but decided not to put in any extra hours because I didn’t want to overwork myself like last semester + my mental health has been extremely poor). (3)

Since she said that I’ve been in a sort of panic mode, that maybe I won’t be able to be myself in the future and get surgery/HRT and find a suitable partner (I’m an aro/ace trans guy and I desire to be in a qpp with another guy), which has been debilitating because I’ve been seriously struggling with my social skills, and have literally only two friends that I’ve been keeping contact with occasionally, though its difficult because we have all gone on separate paths due to life basically (4)

Anyways this is a super long ask but I felt like it needed context because the fact that I suck as socializing & making friends has affected my self-esteem and mental health to the point where I have thoughts of s*icide, among other things, including flashbacks of traumatic events that I wouldnt have otherwise remembered. Basically I wanted to ask- am I wrong for not paying tithes to this church? Will God punish me for not paying tithes to this church? (5)__________

Hey there, anon. I’m so sorry for the delay in answering this, I’ve been having some mental health issues of my own so I’ve been taking a little break from this blog. I hope that you are hanging in there, and that things might even be looking up for you since you sent this in. 

I’m sorry that you are experiencing so much distress right now; and that your mom’s comments have added to it. I know that money is tight for you right now, but if at all possible, I recommend seeking professional help to guide you through dealing with the flashbacks of traumatic events and all that; some therapists offer sliding scale payment options for patients who need it. I know that’s not what you’re asking about though, so on to tithes.

I 100% think you’re making the right decision not offering your money to this church. You disagree with their ministry and do not see God’s will in it; giving them money would be contributing to those ministries.

People offer tithes (or a smaller fraction of their financial income) to their faith community as an expression of gratitude to God, a willing response to God’s activity in that faith community. You see God’s movement in a community, and you want to be a part of that movement; so you offer financial gifts to keep the movement going. Generosity should never be pressured out of a person, it should never feel like an obligation; if the Holy Spirit is moving you to give, you’ll feel a real desire to give. 

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 8:11-13 about our financial offerings coming from a place of desire, not obligation: 

“And in this matter I am giving my advice: it is appropriate for you who began last year not only to do something but even to desire to do something—now finish doing it, so that your eagerness may be matched by completing it according to your means. For if the eagerness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has — not according to what one does not have.“ 

That above quote teaches us several things about offerings made to our faith communities, the first of which applies directly to your current situation, while the other two apply to giving in general:

It assures us that we should give what we desire to give – that desire and eagerness will come to us naturally when we truly hear God’s Word read, proclaimed, and acted out. 

The quote also assures us that one only has to give “according to what one has, not according to what one does not have” – so even if you one day find a faith community wherein the Spirit moves you to desire to give, 10% of your current income is probably more than you have to give at the moment, and that’s okay.

Finally, Paul doesn’t specify finances in this quote – what you give to a church whose mission you believe God approves of doesn’t have to be money, especially if money isn’t something you have at the moment. It might be your time or your skills, your voice or your strength, your art or your presence – whatever unique gifts God has given you that you can use for the good of God’s world. 

If you don’t see God’s activity at this church, and thus are not moved to a genuine desire to offer what money you can, don’t do it. God does not oblige us to give money just for the sake of giving it; it’s not a task to check off the list of things you need to do in order to “earn” God’s love or blessing in your life. You don’t have to do a single thing to “earn” God’s love and blessing; God gives these things freely to each of us. 

Sometimes we don’t recognize that love and blessing clearly, because for better or worse God isn’t a micro-manager who swoops in and makes everything work out perfectly in our lives. Instead, humanity’s free will has built up systems that keep many of us poor, many of us oppressed; people who don’t “deserve” to suffer…suffer. Not from any fault of theirs, not because they failed to “earn” God’s help or because they did something to bring God’s punishment on them – but because that’s just the way this world is right now. It hurts people who should be protected. Even so, we trust that God is there – God is there with you in the midst of your distress, your struggles to make ends meet, your pain at the trauma you’re reliving. 

You aren’t broke because you’re not paying tithes; you’re broke because our world is broken and forces students to work long hours on top of keeping up with schoolwork and mental health stuff. I’m so sad and mad on your behalf that you’re stuck in this situation, and I hope things improve really soon.

Friend, I promise you, there will be a future where you’re able to go on hrt, where you are able to live as your full self, where you have friends and a qp partner and where you are happy and loved. There will be a future where you find a faith community that you’re thrilled to give back to, whether that’s your time and talent or your money or all of the above, because you truly see God’s activity in the work they do. It sucks that these things aren’t all true for you here and now, but I believe in that future for you. In the meantime, I promise you: God’s with you, unconditionally. 

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Alex Recommends: May and June Books

I must apologise for the late arrival of this post. It should have been up days ago but I’ve been struggling to read much for the last month or so. My head has been very foggy and dark with all of the confusion, anxiety and hate that has been filling my news feeds and I’ve been filled with a desire to combat it. Before this month, I’d have run in the opposite direction from any kind of confrontation but recent events have given me the kick up the butt to actively do better. I’ve been calling out bigotry when I come across it and I’ve noticed that some people, notably my older relatives, haven’t necessarily reacted favorably to the changed, more outspoken Alex. It has been pretty daunting and I’ve worked myself up into fits of rage and tears several times over the last couple of months.

A lot of things have changed for me since my last Alex Recommends post. I’m currently temporarily living in Staffordshire with my boyfriend because my depression got too bad for me to stay at home for much longer. I missed him unbelievably much and I knew that spending some prolonged time with him would help -and it has. Both him and I have spent 12 weeks religiously following all of the rules, so we’re both extremely low-risk for catching and spreading COVID-19 and being together was something that we simply really needed to do. Please don’t hate me for it! In other news, I have also started writing again, which feels amazing. I’m now a few thousand words into a queer Rapunzel retelling that I have lots of ideas for. Maybe I’ll even post an extract or two, when I feel it’s ready to show you.

In the centre of the renewed energy of Black Lives Matter and the undeniable exposure of the horrors that is police brutality, the book blogging and BookTube worlds vowed to uplift Black voices. I wrote a very long, in-depth blog post full of Black-written books and Black book influencers. Please check it out to diversify your TBR and educate yourself on Black issues, which is what every white person should be doing now and always.

June was Pride Month and I tried my best to compile a series of recommendation posts in honour of it. These included gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, non-binary, ace, pansexual and intersex lists. I’ve had some great feedback on this, so I hope you find some fantastic new reads. It felt especially poignant to put them together the same year that one of my childhood heroes came out as an ignorant trans-exclusive feminist. As a lifelong Harry Potter superfan and someone who has repeatedly publicly supported Rowling in the past, I feel the need to clarify where I now stand. I do not support or agree with a single thing that she has said in recent times with regard to transgender people. I’ve never felt my own status as a cisgender female threatened by trans people wanting more rights or believed that children or women were at risk due to their existence. 

I read her words more than once and struggled to find any semblance of the woman who wrote the books that have most defined my life. I’m hesitant to say that we can always successfully separate the art from the artist but I will say that it makes sense to me that the Rowling of 2020 is not the same Rowling that wrote Harry Potter. She was a destitute single mother when Philosopher’s Stone was published in 1997 and of course, she is now a million worlds away from that lifestyle. It breaks my heart but it makes sense to me that she has changed beyond belief because her life has changed beyond belief. I’m not and never would make any excuses for her recent behaviour and I have stopped supporting her personally but I will not be getting rid of my Harry Potter books and I will undoubtedly re-read them several more times. However, I am now hugely reluctant to buy any more merchandise or special editions of the books, which saddens me but at the moment, it feels right. There is no coming back for her from this and I will make a conscious effort to keep Harry Potter and Rowling away from my future content. It can be really tough to admit that the people you once really admired aren’t great humans but it’s something that we all have to acknowledge in this case, in order to move forward with our own quests to become our best selves.

It didn’t feel right to post my May recommendations last month as I didn’t feel comfortable promoting my own content in the midst of boosting Black voices. So today I’m bringing you a bumper edition of Alex Recommends. Here are 10 books that I’ve enjoyed since the start of May that I’d love to share with you. Enjoy! -Love, Alex x

FICTION: Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Set in the affluent neighbourhood of Shaker Heights, Ohio in the 1990s, two families are brought together and pulled apart by the most intense, devastating circumstances. Dealing with issues of race, class, coming-of-age, motherhood and the dangers of perfection, Little Fires Everywhere is highly addictive and effecting. With characters who are so heartbreakingly real and a story that weaves its way to your very core, I couldn’t put it down and I’m still thinking about it over a month after finishing it. 

FICTION: Get A Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

When coding nerd Chloe Brown almost dies, she makes a list of goals and vows to finally Get A Life. So she enlists tattooed redhead handyman and biker Red to teach her how. Cute, funny and ultimately life-affirming, this enemies-to-lovers rom-com was exactly the brand of light relief that I needed this month. The follow-up Take A Hint, Dani Brown focuses on a fake-dating situation with Chloe’s over-achieving academic sister and I can’t wait to get my hands on that.

FICTION: The Rearranged Life of Oona Lockhart by Margarita Montimore

Just before her 19th birthday at midnight on New Year’s Eve 1983, Oona Lockhart finds herself inexplicably in 2015 inside her 51-year-old body. She soon learns that every year on New Year’s Day, she will now find herself inside a random year of her life and she has no control over it. Seeing her through relationships, friendships and extreme wealth, this strange novel has echoes of Back To The Future and 13 Going On 30 with a final revelation that I certainly never saw coming.

NON-FICTION: The Five by Hallie Rubenhold

Atmospheric and engaging, The Five details the previously untold stories of Polly, Annie, Elisabeth, Kate and Mary-Jane -the women who lost their lives at the hands of Jack the Ripper. Full of fascinating research and heartbreaking accounts of what these women’s lives may have been like, Rubenhold paints a dark immersive portrait of Victorian London and gives voice to these tragic silenced lives. Although we can’t know for certain if these accounts are entirely accurate, they feel very plausible and in some ways, The Five exposes how little time has moved on, when it comes to the public portrayal of single, troubled women.

NON-FICTION: Unicorn by Amrou Al-Kadhi

From a childhood crush on Macaulay Culkin to how a teenage obsession with marine biology helped them realise their non-binary identity, Unicorn tells the story of how the obsessive perfectionist son of a strict Muslim Iraqi family became the gorgeous drag queen Glamrou. Packed full of humour, honesty and heart, this book will give you the strength and inspiration to harness what you were born with and be who you were always meant to be.

MIDDLE-GRADE: The Super Miraculous Journey of Freddie Yates by Jenny Pearson

When fact-obsessed Freddie’s grandmother dies, he discovers that the father he has never met may actually be alive and living in Wales. So he has no choice but to grab his best friends Ben and Charlie, leave his home in Andover and go to find his dad! I laughed so many times during this madcap adventure and I know the slapstick crazy humour will hit the middle-grade target audience just right. It’s also a wonderful depiction of small town Britain with a focus on the true meaning of family.

MIDDLE-GRADE: A Kind Of Spark by Elle McNicoll

When Addie learns about her hometown’s history of witch trials, she campaigns tirelessly to get a memorial for the women who lost their lives through it. This wonderfully beautiful novel gives a unique insight into the mind of an 11-year-old autistic girl with a huge heart. Busting myths about neurodiversity while tackling typical pre-teen drama, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry but most of all, you’ll close the book with a huge smile on your face. 

HISTORICAL FICTION: Hamnet by Maggie O’Farrell

In 16th century Warwickshire, Agnes is a woman with a unique gift whose relationship with a young Latin tutor produces three children and a legacy that lasts for centuries. This enchanting, all-consuming account of the tragic story of Shakespeare’s lost son, the effects that rippled through the family and the play that was born from their pain will send a bullet straight through your heart. Wonderfully researched and beautifully written, Hamnet is worth all of the hype.

HISTORICAL FICTION: The Mercies by Kiran Millwood Hargrave

When a vicious storm kills most of the men of Vardø, Norway, it’s up to the women to keep things going but a man with a murderous past is about to come down with an iron fist. At the heart of this dark tale of witch trials, grief and feminism, two women find something they’ve each been searching for within each other. Gorgeously written with a fantastically slow-burning queer romance, Kiran Millwood Hargrave’s first adult novel is an addictive, atmospheric read with a poignant, tearjerker of an ending.

SCI-FI: Q by Christina Dalcher

When one of Elena’s daughters manages to drop below the country’s desired Q number, she is sent away to one of the new state schools and Elena is about to find out something she’d really rather not know about the new system. Packed full of real social commentary and critique of life as we know it while painting a picture of how things could be even worse (yes, really!), this pulse-racing, horrifying sci-fi dystopian gripped me from the first page and refused to let me go. 

[telling-our-stories]

Coming out stories

A heads-up. These are the original stories, however, they are anonymous. This wasn't intentional, I just screwed up and didn't tag. These stories, aren't mine, so if I've posted yours and you want it taken down. Please, just ask me.

Alright.

I am tired of people who are against the LGBTQ+ community. Its alright to have an opinion. It is not alright to put people down for being themselves. The first pride was a riot, a fight for what they believe in. I'm trying to do the same. I'm trying to gather the stories of the fallen, the ones who are still standing, the people who are willing to fight for everything they are. And I am fully willing to take a stand and fight to prove we exist. To prove that we're here, and we aren't backing down.

Hello, my name is Dustyn. I'm here today to collect stories from the LGBTQ+ community. There's a lot of people who are against us, which is exactly why we need to stand our ground. I'm not asking for a fight, I'm asking for your stories. My story is not yet finished, though I'm a bisexual trans male. Our stories are important, because they show who we are and how far we've come. I've struggled a lot in my life, but I've made it. So have others. Here are some of those stories. We'll start with mine. I've gone through many identities, mostly trying to figure myself out. I'm still doing that. My family doesn't accept me for me, but I have many friends who do. There are so many accepting people in life, and I appreciate all of you who are proud to be who you are. Whether closeted or not, you are all valid and amazing.

"Hello my name is Melissa and i am bisexual. My family didn't really have a harsh reaction to it other than the fact that they didn't understand it at first. That was most of my trouble was people saying that bisexual wasnt valid. Im sorry mine is so short but i think the moral is that you are valid. No matter what you identify as on any spectrum in the LGBTQ+ community. Also even if your outside of the LGBTQ+ community and your just an ally. We love you and you are all valid.”

"Salutations everyone. My name is Talan. I am non binary, panromantic and i am currently between asexual and demisexual. I was raised in a very christian household where my mother and father had very strict beliefs. They believed that being anything but straight and to me being anything other than my assigned gender was a sin, and many people still say that to me. When I came out to my dad he flipped, he took me out of school for a year and put me in online school. During this time in my life I had reached a dark time where i thought that it was never going to get better but trust me it does. I am still living with my dad who does not accept me and at this point we don't talk that much, but it does get better. We have gotten to the point where we can have a civil conversation with each other and im back in school. I have an amazing girlfriend and multiple qpps who i love very much. Everybody at school is very loving and supporting. Remember that family is not chosen for you, you make your own family. If you ever feel down than just know that there are so many amazing and kind people in the world who love you for who you are, no matter what that may be. You are loved."

“I'm glad you reached out to me, anything to help people understand more about the LGBTQ+ community. I am 19 now and I came out to my family at the age of 14. My parents were the typical ones who said it was just a phase and it would not last but here I am five years later and I made it through. There was a point where I had no one to turn to but then i met my amazing boyfriend. He helped me through the good and the bad and showed me that there were things to stay for. I am now in college and pursuing a career in photography at the University of Arizona. I hope that could help a bit!”

"Okay. Well. My coming out experience was definitely not expected in the slightest. I was in the 5th grade. Realizing that I liked both boys and girls was quite the revelation. I had a lesbian friend who was the first ever gay person I met or knew. I remember being backstage of a show I was in and just crying through the words, "I know I'm supposed to love guys, but I love girls too". After that. I didn't tell anyone else, until 6th grade. I was a track meet and a group of people I sat with was talking to my lesbian friend about kissing. I forget the exact conversation, but I spoke up and said I would kiss her. A Christian girl in my class was nearby and heard. She was disgusted. Therfore by the end of the week, I was completely outed to my entire school. It was ugly, but it got better over time I guess. I'm a junior in high school now. I have yet to come out to my parents, but at least I know that I am finally comfortable in my my sexual orientation and gender identify (demigirl, which I didn't figure out until a few short months ago)."

"Hey, I haven't actually come out to everyone yet but I have told a few people and all of their reactions were positive "oh you're bi? cool" and that was it. No "so do you like me?" or anything which was super great. So I was "straight" and when I heard about the LGBT community I was "straight" for about another five days. I did some thinking and realised I'd actually liked girls before, and shortly after came out as bi to a few of my close friends at the time. They were all supportive, bar one who said "you're just looking for attention lmao".Coincidentally, she had also come out as pan and had received the usual "you're attracted to pans?". I go to a Christian school, so it would be pretty disastrous if the news leaked out, but naturally it did. Not everyone knows, maybe about 10% of my grade. I suspect some teachers found out about how some people were LGBT (not many though, there's about 5 of us), because our dean of year gave the "you're too young to know that" talk. Mostly at school we get sheltered from all LGBT news and details at all, and my parents hadn't told me much about it either, even though they are supportive and would be okay if I came out as bi."

"I'm bisexual. I first came out to my elementary friends over the phone 3 years after we went to different middle schools. They were mostly all so accepting and I was so overwhelmed I hung up on them. I spent a few minutes laying on the ground clutching that phone to my chest, I'd never felt so loved. I cried and cried and cried because these people atleast the ones who accepted me see me different now but are okay with it. Two years later, now, I still haven't come out to my parents. I still need a few years but I'm a little bit more open at school now most of my friends accept me. Others were cut off, I can't do that with my family so they still don't know. Not as if they would take me seriously either way. I want to get past college get a place a stable life then maybe I'll be ready, just maybe. Thank you for listening to my story."

"I was surrounded by my Uncle and his husband for years. I always knew that gay people existed. When I was younger I never thought anything different of myself; I thought I was one of the boys.

 It never really clicked that I was the only one who saw it that way.

When I was 7, my mother and sister suggested I take dance I shot them down saying "that's for girls."

They didn't get it.

I wasn't entirely sure what came over me in that moment either but I know it felt right.

As myself and the people I knew grew up I realised I wasn't happy with the way I looked. I tossed it up as your typical dislike.

~every girl went through that at my age didn't they~

All the girls I knew were so happy that they were becoming women and I just sat in the back wondering why I didn't feel the same way.

I still didn't get it.

Once my depressed state got worse I decided to read into ways to love yourself and your body.

I started taking selfies, dressing up, wearing heels and makeup, forcing myself to sing even though I hated the way I looked and sounded.

It got worse.

I broke down when nobody was looking and acted like it was fine; like I wasn't praying that whatever I was feeling would go away for even a second.

And one day I looked in the mirror and I thought "this isnt right. This isn't me. This isn't what I want. Who in the hell is that person staring back at me?"

And I accepted it. That I would never be who I should be. That I would never be happy. Because nobody would love me. Nobody would want me. And nobody would accept me. Because if I was happy then that meant my family wouldn't have had the little girl theh thought they had gotten.

And up until recently no one knew that I broke down every night, that my thoughts got so bad I wanted to drown in my own tears so that maybe it would all be over. Because to me coming out to them was worse than death.

And here I am years later. My family knows but they don't care. They don't try to comprehend that this repression it kills me all the time. So I gathered my money got myself exactly what they told me they would never let me have and I lie. I go behind their backs and I live like the man I really am online. I bind my chest and I hide from their sight and when they ask I say it's just their eyes.

Because if they knew - if my mother knew - they would rather me suffer day after day than be who I am."

"heyo, i read your post and id like to put something to it.

i am a part of the community, havent came out to my parents yet, because i know for a fact id be sent to a psichologist or thrown out. but i am me online

an old friend of mine is a trans guy and found me a few weeks ago. he said he saw that i support LGBT+ and it was so comforting for him. a friend who i haven't talked with for 9 years!after he told me that he lost half of his family for being himself, his dad ignores him since, but he has a boyfriend and got his life together

and that i could be a little comfort for him is really nice. even the people who are closeted can be helpful in the community."

"Well, my mom took it well. I had gotten stuck in my closet and then she got me unstuck and I told her I was queer.

My brother, we were sitting in the car and he told me he always knew, but I had to keep it a secret from my dad or else bad things would happen.

My friends hugged me and started to use my name and pronounsSo coming out to my dad and stepmom, it wasn't even a coming out but a forced outage.

They took my phone away the night of a Panic attack that I still have nightmares over and searched it. They read all my messages.... everything.

I wanted to scream for it to stop, but I knew it wouldn't. They told me that they loved me, but I had to stop being me and I have to go back to being a girl who was cishet

But once you have a taste of freedom of who you really are, you can never go back ...I couldn't hide again. I just had to wait till I could spread my wings and be free somewhere else."

"Ok so for the thing you tagged me in, I don’t exactly have a coming out story yet, and I’m not sure of my identity entirely. I’ve tried out tons of labels and am sticking with queer at the moment just cuz it takes the stress off of picking an extremely definite word to describe me. I came out as queer last year, but I don’t consider it a coming out story because 1) I only told my friends and not my family, and 2) queer doesn’t completely define me. In real life, I’m doing my best to go back in the closet, but I think my “friends” may have told other people who spread rumors around my school, so it’s been difficult. A bunch of people make random references to me liking boys (I’m amab) and it made me uncomfortable enough that I started telling them I’m straight. I’m planning on staying as far in the closet as possible until people get more accepting and I understand myself fully."

"It's not a coming out story (mostly) but it's a realization of sorts.

Yesterday our Social Studies teached asked us to form groups and discuss a contemporary issue that we would present at the front in a few minutes. Long story short I suggested LGBT+ community and rights, which my group mates accepted. I live in a really conservative country (with at least 81% of the entire population identifying as Christians) and that's an extremely taboo topic. It ended up leading the teacher asking us to raise our hands if we believed the lgbt community should be allowed Civil Union, not considering religion an all. I was so afraid to raise my hand, but it was what I believed in and I couldn't live with it if I didn't show it, so I raised my hand. I didn't really do this as a member of the community, I wasn't thinking of myself. I was thinking of a world where this is accepted in my country, where I can go outside and be open and love whoever I wanted to, and I guess the idea of standing up for what I believed in was what pushed me to do that. A big majority of the class was against, and I was just so afraid even though some small logical part of me knew they would not do anything.Today, our Civics teacher had us grouped again to make a live news report and once again, my group (international news) got assigned lgbt+ community because of our listed problems yesterday. I suggested interviewing a member of the community and basically came out to two people I knew were trustworthy (nearly all three other members in that group but thank God I think the third one did not hear) and we agreed that I could be used if I only had my voice recorded and edited to not sound like me. Just a few hours ago I found out that one of my classmates, who I thought was a nice sweet boy, turned out to be a big homophobe. "Sodom and Gomora and Liberals are teaching unnatural things" kind of guy.I guess that broke something in me, because another thing I was really passionate about for when I grew up was this certain job, though no one supported me. I used to want to do that so much the idea of anything else repelled me, sometimes the idea of the other more "acceptable" jobs brought me to tears. Somehow this one admission that I thought everyone should have the right to at least a civil union and finding out my classmates didn't believe in that crushed something in me hard enough that I lost the passion to do that job I wanted. It makes no sense how this connected with that apart from the fact that neither are things I have been or would be supported on, but I guess seeing that this world isn't really safe made me lose hope.I felt scared to raise my hand, almost like I was actually coming out (which I now realize I'm absolutely never doing to many of those people) and the realization that some place I thought was a safe space for me, because all of those people in that class, I thought I could trust them. I've been with them since before I could spell "friend" correctly, they're family to me, I believed I would be safe and accepted, and then came to find out that wasn't quite the case...But well, basically I was terrified then crushed to find out that I could have outted myself to a group of people who would not take my news lightly

Found out some people I thought were friends thought people like me were broken

Found out some people I used to have the biggest crushes on didn't even believe in letting people have a civil union."

"I’m very excited to see brave people like you ready to start a revolution, so I thought I’d share my, sorta, coming out experience.

So I have divorced parents meaning I’d have to come out to four parents. This happened mainly last year. I was pretty sure I was bi, (tho I now identify panromantic demigirl) I knew my dad and stepmom would be great with it, and they were. But when it came to my mother, well, she wasn’t really homophobic, but she had different ideas about how a gay person should behave. She outed me to her after overhearing a convo with my friends. She then told me I was too young, and gave the “its a phase” talk. She knew I was fairly open about it because I lived by a motto to “be so myself that other people feel brave enough to be themselves too” But she believed a gay person should keep it a secret. Nowadays I don’t believe in the process of “coming out” I am open about my sexuality and gender but I don’t do formal coming outs. I always believed that if straights don’t have to, neither should I just because I “don’t fit a default” My mother wants me to come out to my stepfather even tho he already knows. I thought sharing a coming out story that also showed you should never feel obligated to come out. My mother guilt trips me about it, but I remain rooted in my beliefs that I shouldn’t have to come out, which I think is valid.

Hope my story can help anyone and just wanna say you are so so valid, amazing and powerful and should never feel pressured to be open if you don’t want to. Long live the revolution!!!🏳️‍🌈."

"Hello! I read your post about collecting LGTBQA+ stories and I thought Id share my brief experiences as a bi girl from Germany ^^

Tbh I never made a big deal about coming out, as I personally feel it goes to show that we're revealing a wierd secret, and Id like my sexualtiy to be something normal, not a main identifying characteristic. And everyone of my friends or classmates that I mention it to appear to have no problem with that whatsoever, and as far as I know Im not percieved as predatory either.

My family, however, is a whole different matter. While Im sure that my mums side of the family would be perfectly fine and my parents know already, when youve heard your fathers parents talk about eastern europeans and other immigrants using only slurwords and your uncles parents have expressed their absolute disgust about seeing a gay couple enjoy a nice picnic at the park, you get very cautious about who you tell. Especially since I dont want to put the supportive family in the position of having to consider whom they can talk to about this.

Another thing that Ive noticed after my exchange year in Sweden and seeing my first pride, though not having the time to attend, on my way there in Copenhagen, is how little support my country gives to this community from a social perspective. At my swedish school, all the teachers had a rainbow keyband from a *seminar about LGBTQA+ people*, something Im sure Germany would never do, and all of them kept it. There was no question whether you support us or not, it was an acceped part of social life and no big deal; we even did a private introduction round for pronouns!

And then I came back here. During pride month, there were no rainbow decorations, the most I saw of a parade was two discarded paper flags on the ground afterwards. When I vented about this to my ally friend, she only said that "some people and companies just like to stay neutral". Try all of them in Germany, but sure.

I know our community has come far, but I can also see that it isnt fsr enough, and that is the fight I am still fighting.

Hope this helps ^^."

"Alright. Mine isnt that interesting but I'll do my best :)

I came out as bisexual when i was in the sixth grade. It wasnt a huge deal to my mom. She said okay and we went on with our lives. Around the end of that year, i told her i thought i was trans and she said i wasnt. I came out to her again six months later and she said the same thing. There was a lot of yelling. Mind you, she isnt transphobic at all. The third time... she was so done with me. She yelled and so did i. It took four different times for her to accept me, and even then, i had to do the last time over text because i was scared of her reaction."

"So, my name is Ell. I identify as queer and demigender. I don't know what to say here really early than it's important to find others like you when you're not as close to your family as you used to be. Because of your identity. My family is more accepting than most, but still. The community online is so so important to me, and this project makes me really happy. So thank you. "

"I was at sea world and my mom was in the car I was talking about how my dad was super homophobic. My mom says that my dad acts like it’s a disease I said will if it is then I have got it, My mom is understanding and says that she will love me no matter what."

"So, I’m non-binary and bisexual. That’s a big no-no in a latino family like mine, it’s always grow up, get married with the opposite sex, and have kids. I don’t know why I felt that I could just say anything to my mom one day and she immediately objected. “Are you sure you’re not a lesbian or just confused? You can’t like more than one gender. Also, what’s this about a non gender? You’re either a boy or a girl, that’s it.”

Thankfully after a lecture and me apologizing (though I did nothing but tell her more about me) she let the subject go. I’ve never told my dad because I know mom just will get in the way and say I’m lying again, but at least my friends are understanding and almost completely LGBTQ+."

[winteriron-trash]

🔥 - in spirit of today, the topic is feminism

Ironically, the reason I didn’t get to answering these yesterday was that I was in the theatres seeing Captain Marvel

Damn, that’s a high order, because there’s just so much to say about it, especially within today’s political climate and all that. So whatever I ramble about, just know it’s not encompassing my entire opinion on the matter and I’m just rambling tbh.

I think the biggest thing about feminism right now, is remembering that in order for it to be true feminism, it must be intersectional. The worst “feminists” out there who people love to shade and mock in media are the ones who consider their problems as a woman to be the universal problems of all women and think that that problem should be fixed in the way that best benefits them, rather than considering how different types of women are affected or even not affected by that same problem.

How I experience the world as a gay woman is not how a straight woman will experience the world. How I experience the world as a white woman is not how a black woman will experience the world. How I experience the world as a cis woman is not how a trans woman will experience the world. And so on. While we all experience problems that are tied to our womanhood, they can be incredibly different problems. We all suffer different stereotypes and barriers in our everyday lives.

Often times the “typical feminist” excludes some of these people because she doesn’t consider how the problems affect other types of women. Or even worse, the movements of purposely trying to exclude certain types of women from feminism. (I’m not going to say TERFs but if the shoe fits…)

A good example of narrow-minded attempts at feminism is how the rise of the idea that Muslim women who wore hijabs were “oppressed by the patriarchy” and they had to take off their hijabs to be “liberated” by feminism. That’s not feminism. Feminism is understanding that Muslim women (and women in general) should have the choice to headwrap, and if a Muslim woman chooses to wear a hijab, she’s oppressing no one, and certainly not herself. In this case, feminism was really just thinly veiled Islamophobia. The most important part about feminism is making sure it’s not being used as an excuse for other forms of bigotry.

Women have come so far. And it is something to be proud of and continue to celebrate. But we still need feminism. We will always need feminism. Feminism isn’t just about gaining our rights, it’s also making sure they’re upheld. And in our current society, that’s the most important part. People like to scream that women are already equal in the eyes of the law, but we aren’t to the lawmakers and the law-enforcers. And furthermore, there are specific groups of women who still struggle to have their equal rights. Trans women are fighting just to use our bathroom. Black women are fighting against police violence. Disabled women are fighting for the protection of their rights. And if we let them fight these fights alone, how can even be considered feminists?