#but know that even with setbacks it can get better
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You're not the first person to make this comparison on this post, but when I wrote this, I hadn't done a re-read of SOTL yet (and the last time I'd read In the Hand of the Goddess was... a LONG time ago, so I couldn't really make a good comparison between these two scenes), but I have now and I've been sort-of thinking this over and have some thoughts on it.
For me, this isn't so much an indication of them being similar so much as it is just an unusually similar narrative beat. A character chooses to disobey an order about not crossing a border during a war in order to go save someone who has been captured and, in so doing, takes out a major antagonist that leads to the end of the war.
But the MOTIVES behind the two actions seem very different to me. Jon goes to save Alanna because he's in love with her and can't bear to lose her. Kel goes to save the refugees because she's responsible for them and takes that extremely seriously. She does CARE about the people, obviously, it's still being done out of love, but she's not doing it because she can't stand to live without them so much as that she's INSANELY duty-driven. She goes up to save Lalasa for similar reasons after being told that a noble's duty to their servants is basically sacrosanct. Kel goes across the border because she believes it's the honorable thing to do. Jon's motives aren't about honor and are, arguably, somewhat more selfish in origin.
So while this is obviously a very similar storyline, I don't find that it's an example of these two characters being similar to each other.
Kel is willing to give up EVERYTHING out of a sense of duty to the people she's responsible for. While Jon is someone who does a LOT of things for his people and spends a lot of his time and energy making life better for them, I can't recall a moment where Jon is ready to give up everything he wants and everything he's worked for just to save his people. Jon actually tells Kel in Squire that he and Thayet work pretty hard to keep themselves OUT of that kind of danger whenever possible, that's the point behind all of the compromises. All of the arranged marriages for his kids are to try to ensure peace through political connections and stop fighting in wars.
This is where they DO differ because Kel feels like someone who, at least at this point in her life, is willing to die to protect her people. But Jon is someone who will do whatever it takes to LIVE for his people for as long as possible. Jon understands that, in his position, it's more beneficial for everybody for him to make compromises in order to stay alive so he can keep making changes that will make people's lives better in the long run. This is a lesson that, while we do see Kel LEARNING it a little during Lady Knight, isn't one that really plays into the final conflict of the book. It's possible that Kel will end up being even more like Jon in this way as she gets older, more willing to stay back herself and trust others to do what needs to be done in her place, but by the end of Lady Knight, that just isn't who she is yet.
And maybe that's what's interesting about the comparison. Kel isn't all that much like Jon YET, and she's certainly not all that much like Jon when HE was 19, but Kel shows signs of being a lot more like Jon as he is during HER series as she gets older and gains more experience. Kel is very righteous, very inclined to just act and get things done, but over the 9 years we get to know her, she has to learn more and more about when to act and when to WAIT. She has to learn when to push and when to bend a little.
As a woman, she's going to be held to different standards than her male counterparts like Raoul or Wyldon, she'll be dealing with different limitations and setbacks than they ever did. And so her approach to leadership will, by necessity, have to be different than theirs was. She does look to them for inspiration, but in execution, I think she'll likely end up far more like Jon. Jon is obviously not a woman himself, but as King he's ALSO held to different higher standards than his compatriots and he was very young when he took the throne and has been very progressive throughout his reign which means he's dealing with certain limitations and setbacks that more conservative people might not.
Kel has strong opinions and firm ideas of what the world SHOULD be like, and that's going to lead her down a similar path of trying to CHANGE things, but she'll be dealing with all of the same limitations that Jon is, which will force her to approach things the way he does. She's going to have to compromise, she's going to have to bend, she's going to have to learn when a fight is worth having, she's going to have to learn to give a little in order to get a little later.
Kel would probably not have crossed the border for just one person. If it had been Neal, for example, and Neal alone, she may not have decided to take that risk. Neal is a trained knight like herself and probably won't thank her for giving up everything to come save him. Kel could probably have been convinced not to cross the border for him, as much as it would've pained her. And Jon I think would not necessarily give up everything to save a few hundred people the way Kel did, even though it would pain him to have to make that choice.
Kel IS like Jon and will likely become even more so as she ages, but crossing the border just isn't one of those places where their similarities are showcased to me.
The funniest thing to me about Kel, and maybe one of the most interesting because of how understated it is, is that Kel becomes a good commander in the end, not by emulating Wyldon who was cold and implacable and insensitive, or by emulating Raoul who mostly only disobeys orders out of principle or because he has an issue with what the order says about his personal relationship with Jon, but by emulating JON.
Kel doesn't even LIKE Jon, she BARELY respects him as a person. He's a good enough ruler that she's willing to fight for him and swear loyalty to him and to at least mostly believe that he wouldn't work with Blayce to make his own killing monsters, but that's as far as it goes for Kel. If he's kind to her, she finds it uncomfortable and almost untrustworthy because she assumes he doesn't care about her and so his kindness and respect towards her must be fake.
But from the outside, as readers, we know just how much Jon fought for Kel. We know how much he does respect her right to be a knight. Jon is the sole reason that Kel DID get the opportunity to prove herself, if he'd capitulated to Wyldon completely, she just wouldn't have ever been allowed to join. Kel doesn't KNOW THAT, obviously, but we do. We know that Jon did everything he could to find a way to convince Wyldon to let Kel become a page. While Wyldon claims later that the reason he chose to let her stay at the end of the probation year was because his better judgment convinced him she'd earned it, I'd be willing to bet that part of that better judgment also included knowing if he couldn't prove to JON that she needed to go, then he'd be in trouble. Kel was training and working in front of plenty of other trainers and teachers who could easily contradict Wyldon's lies if he'd tried it, many of whom are closer to Jon than they are to Wyldon.
Kel's experiences and feelings about that experience are entirely valid, and she doesn't have the knowledge we do about how hard Jon fought for her, so it's not shocking that she's upset with him for a good portion of her series. She never even discovers this truth by the end of her series, even though she does get a lesson from Jon and Thayet (and Raoul to some degree) about how politics and compromises work in order to make changes happen. So her opinion of him by the end is boiled down to the quote from Squire: "good kings weren't always good men." It makes sense for her to think this, but because Kel's knowledge base is so limited (and her worldview so black and white for much of her series), it makes her an EXTREMELY unreliable narrator about this particular issue.
Kel believes that while Jon generally does his duty and keeps the peace, he doesn't actually care all that much about his people as individuals. But in their only meaningful conversation in Squire, Jon is able to point out that he (and Thayet, who is actually equal to Jon in power, something Kel either doesn't know which would be a failure in her education or just tends to ignore so she can focus her ire on Jon) has to make a LOT of compromises in order to get ANYTHING useful done at all. Sometimes, often, it means making deals with people he doesn't like or people he just fundamentally disagrees with, because it's the first step in a multi-step plan to help more people in the long run. He also points out that just throwing his weight and authority around in order to be able to change everything he wants to change immediately regardless of what anyone else thinks about it is a great way to get himself and his family killed. Because even if he had good intentions, that would be tyranny. It does make Kel think a little, but she doesn't tend to like him much still afterwards, her resentment from her page years will always color her opinion of him a little.
However, then she gets to Haven and she's suddenly tossed into a position of leadership over a lot of other people, many of whom disagree with each other or disagree with her or both. And all of the sudden, Kel has to make compromises. She doesn't LIKE the way the sergeants often treat their men, especially the sergeants whose men are convicts, but there's very very little she can do about it without really pissing off those same sergeants and that's not something she can afford to do. There's a moment when Neal starts getting frustrated about the treatment of the convicts and she takes him out to vent to her so he doesn't vent to the sergeants, something that the sergeants would then take out on their men. Kel's reasoning as she does this is that she "preferred to avoid battles with them now so she would have authority with them later if she needed to use it." Later, Kel is talking to Daine and she says "That's all this job is... Trying to please everyone and pleasing no one. And it will only get worse, not better."
Both of these moments showcase Kel choosing to make compromises. She may not like the way the sergeants treat the convicts, but she needs to stay on the sergeants' good sides because she doesn't have enough resources to butt heads with them nor enough authority to just force the issue, and even if she DID, it could cause the sergeants to become troublesome or take out their frustration with her on the men in ways she can't see as well. But staying on the sergeants' good sides might mean letting some of their maltreatment slide if it's not physically harming the convicts. And even setting that aside, she's dealing with nearly 500 refugees eventually, all of which are from different towns in the area and have different needs, not all of which she can accommodate. This requires compromise. Sometimes she can please some of them and not others, but mostly she probably just ends up not pleasing anybody because that's often how compromises WORK.
She never makes the active connection to Jon and his lesson on leadership from Squire while she's in Haven, but that quote up there about how this job (aka being a commander) is all about trying to please everyone and pleasing no one? It sounds a HECK of a lot like "good kings weren't always good men." You can try your best to help others, but often doing the right thing can involve making everyone unhappy. You can't be everybody's friend if you're going to get anything done.
Some of this she might've learned from Raoul's style of command, but Raoul commands a fairly small amount of people (at least in comparison to a King), and so we see him able to be pretty friendly to the people he commands in a way that Jon is perhaps unable to do. And she might believe that she learned some of this from Wyldon, but Wyldon had a tendency to be very unfair and biased due to his raging bigotry and conservative values, as well as the fact that he doesn't actually even LIKE being a training master and that likely impacted the way he treated the pages (he's almost never that kind to the pages, whereas we see him capable of being quite kind with the refugees later, which is where Kel comes to the conclusion that he hadn't enjoyed being a training master).
But Jon makes an entire speech about how he (and Thayet) have been working THEIR ENTIRE REIGN to change laws that help people. He explains how they have to consider the needs of merchants, nobles, farmers, street people, priests/priestesses, and mages. They have to consider not only what these people might need or want, but also what they could do when they feel sufficiently offended and how that could impact not just the royal family or the nobility but the realm as a whole. Jon points out that they HAVE made changes, for the better, and that just because they don't always succeed at everything or because they have to compromise sometimes, doesn't mean they aren't working at making changes or that they don't care about helping people. Not everyone you have power over is going to be your friend, they might not even be someone you like. But if you're going to take on the job of leadership, that's something you have to be willing to accept and work with, which often means making compromises with people whose needs and values are contradictory to your own.
Jon probably knows when he makes the compromise with Wyldon that it will likely impact a lot of people's good opinion of him. Alanna is right there and clearly angry, and we know Thayet doesn't like the decision, either. And it's entirely possible that Jon knows in the moment that Kel herself will put the blame on him because he's the King. But he also knows that if he insists on Kel being allowed to be a page without trying to compromise with Wyldon, Wyldon will quit over it and he'll end up with ten DIFFERENT problems that could cause a lot bigger issues to far more people than just one girl. So he makes the compromise. He sacrifices Alanna and Thayet and even Kel's good opinion of him in order to ensure that Kel gets the opportunity to become a Knight without turning all of his nobles against him which could ultimately lead to a civil war. Is it fair? No, and he knows it. But it's the best option he has in order to get the outcome they all actually want which is just for Kel to have the chance to prove herself.
Kel has to make similar choices once she's finally in a position of leadership of her own. And whether she realizes it or not, without ever even spending more than a few minutes with Jon, she ends up emulating his leadership style more than anybody else's because it WORKS and it works WELL. She'll probably never admit it, she might never even realize it herself, but she's so much more like Jon than any of the other men she sees as role models. And I love that. I love the dramatic irony of that, that the one person Kel only barely respects because of a compromise he made on her behalf that she'll never even know about, is the person Kel ends up most resembling. Jon is the reason she has the opportunity to become the Protector of the Small in the first place, Jon is the person who created that environment that allowed her to nurture those values, and she'll probably never even really be able to acknowledge that, because sometimes that's what being a good leader means.
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can't find any good posts on it so I'll make it myself!
its okay to be upset you can't eat foods you want. its okay to be pissed as hell that every time it seems okay, you get a flare up. its okay to be fucking angry that something you love to eat causes you pain
be angry abt it! be mad that some stupid starch hurts you! be upset at all of those doctors who brush you off! be pissed about people in your life not taking it seriously!
food is an incredibly important part of everyone's lives and its frustrating and infuriating to have any sort of struggles with it. cry over it, talk about it, be loud. it is hellish to have any gastrointestinal disability and, diagnosis or not, you deserve to be able to find comfort in food
so to all of my fellow stomach sufferers, I hope you have a nice evening / morning / night and I wish you good meals and snacks in the days to come. I hope your body goes easy on you and your flare ups lessen, I hope the foods you are able to eat bring you comfort and enjoyment. and I hope when things do get bad, you can find solace with others who understand what you're going through <3
#I cannot count how many times I've cried over food#especially when its social#I think my earliest memory of crying about food was when I was ~12 and had just discovered i was lactose intolerant#and my mom got me an ice cream cake for my birthday#it felt like a cruel joke. and she didn't even understand why j was so upset until I explained it to her#I had to take lunches to school and prepare meals because nothing at school was safe to eat#and on days I didn't have the spoons for it I simply Wouldnt eat#it was so frustrating because one issue became two became four became more than I can count#and food has lost a lot of the comfort and enjoyment it once had because of all the pain#but know that even with setbacks it can get better#narrowing down one bad food after the other is so so fucking worth it just to make food not a chore anymore#there will always be bad days and there will always be new things that crop up as unsafe#but know that even if an old favorite food becomes dangerous that new favorites are out there#I used to love ham on everything but now I can't eat it without awful pain and allergic reaction#but even without that old comfort food I've found new ones like turkey sausage and pasta#just. dude feel free to cry about food#its not dumb jts not overreacting#food is important and its completely fucking worth sobbing over#to everyone with gut issues I wish you good luck o7 know that there is food out there that you'll love and won't hurt you#food tw
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Having a new laptop while my old one is only 1 step away from the grave instead of being directly in it really has me asking if I should've done this
#it's less about the finances and more like. feeling UnWoRtHy of such a fancy new thing and i know exactly where the feeling is#coming from :/ yes i am in fact worth having this yes it will make things easier and better for me#this isn't like. luxurious even. this laptop was easily one of the least expensive ones there#good things?? for me?? like i FOUGHT getting my car and there were so many setbacks and this laptop feels. too easy?#which is the exact amount of ease it's supposed to be but what can i say. purification through suffering#let's work on that 👁👁 i will come home. and make beef stew. and i will make some tea to go with it. yes. light a candle#life can be but a dream..#shai speaks
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literally when I see women being frustrated with other women for staying with abusive men I feel like I'm watching the ouroboros. Like I get it, it happens to everyone, I've been there, but it's so self sabatoging.
#don't come at me if you're one of those girls currently angry at her friend for continuing to date an abuser after you and everyone else#told her not to#I spent 7 years watching different men beat my mother and I've had a lot of friends who faced very different kinds of abuse from other men#so when I say your anger is not constructive believe me because it is my anger too. and I know it hurts and I know it can drive you insane#but when your friend Sees that anger it will hurt her in a way you cannot understand. And if you are hurting her while you claim to love he#while you claim to have her best interests at heart -> then she cannot differentiate between the way you treat her#and the way her abuser does. And I know that's not fair I know it's not the same#And I know you probably care for her in a way her man does not. But when you tell her what to do she doesn't see You.#She sees the man who tells her what to do and how to live. She won't listen to you over that man because you sound the same#You sound eerily similar but he is manipulating her and you are just angry and upset. He will always seem to offer the better deal#so just don't be that angry friend anymore. Be an open door she can walk through whenever she needs a break from an evil man.#Be the life she Could have if she really believed she deserved it. Be good and respectful and supportive even when you feel like killing hi#show her how Everyone should treat her. Show her she deserves to be treated good; show her it is no problem for You to treat her good#And she Will start demanding that from men. From everyone. But she will do it on her own time#With her own setbacks and she will set her own standards. They might never be your standards but they will be better than what they are now#but first you have to be supportive and not angry. You have to root for what She wants and not for her relationship to fail#Even if you really truly hope the relationship will fail. You have to convince her that you want the same things she wants#You have to convince her that you want her to be happy no matter what that looks like. And Then she will ask you#To help make her life happier. And in my experience; that is the only way to truly see someone get to a better place#You have to help them get what they Want. This is way harder than being angry. Insanely harder. But I have seen women change a Lot#after I stopped feeling angry over them. After I stopped trying to convince them that I know what is best for them
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#not fallout#kal talks#ok to preface this is a POSI VENT#it just might get a little heavy#i tend to be a Little Personal on here and im going to be a lil more personal. im thinky thoughts#but man... its been a year since literally the lowest point in my life#like last march. i will say. was... really bad for me mentally. i wont go much deeper than that but maybe some of you remember.#im much much better now but i will say i was a little wary as this month and anniversary approached because i was afraid basically#(the actual anniversary passed last week and i didnt notice)#but ive managed to do soo much growing and healing from where i was last year like it is honestly astonishing#im definitely not the same person i was when i couldn't even honestly confront myself#in a way i think what happened last year was one of the best things to happen to me#it doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen in the future but it does mean that i survived that and i can survive whatever else#happens too#healing isnt linear i know that. like obviously im going to have setbacks and some days im incredibly whiny and bitchy#like October/November were suuuper hard on me mentally#but again - still here!#still alive and still putting laundry away and taking baths and reading books and doing art#And its almost SUMMER again!#and god i want to live this summer.#and its kind of funny how...when you think you want to die just saying thr words 'i want to live' feels like...idk. it feels like something#but i want to live#and i want to go hike at zion and i want to eat watermelon and i want to sit in the sun and paint red rocks#i wanted to die last year and it felt so real i could have but im still here and i want to live and do things while im here#that's all i guess#life's hard. its a bitch and then you die. but there are some pretty good parts to it too and every summer i remember why
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they should invent a me that's good at everything i want to be good at. [thing from the addams family pokes out of a nearby box and hands me a piece of paper] thank you, thing. what's this...oh! why, it's a paper that says i have to be the one to do that for my future self! huh.
#bluebird.txt#post brought to you by IM FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYED BUT GRITTING MY TEETH AND KNOWING THAT I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FAIL IN THE LONG TERM#EVEN IF FUCK UP NOW YOU GOTTA FUCK UP A LOT BEFORE YOU GET ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE YOU WANNA BE#AND I'M DOING GREAT#AND ALSO I HAVE GENUINELY BEEN GOING THROUGH SO MUCH HEALTH SHIT RECENTLY THAT I LEGITIMATELY WAS COMPLETELY UNABLE TO THINK OF#ALMOST ANYTHING SCHOOL RELATED AT ALL CAUSING ME TO FORGET MULTIPLE ASSIGNMENTS AND BE LATE TO A MIDTERM#AND IT SUCKS BUT SOMETIMES THERE REALLY IS A GOOD REASON FOR WHY YOU COULD NOT DO AS MYCH AS YOU WANTED#AND MAYBE YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO AS MUCH AS YOU WANT AT ONCE#BUT TAKE IT SLOWLY AND ONE DAY AT A TIME AND SOME DAYS YOU WILL FEEL LACKING BUT JUST THINK OF ALL#THE GOOD WORK YOU'VE ALREADY DONE#MORE WILL COME YOU WILL BE FINE#I AM FRUSTRATED NOW AND THAT IS FINE AND I AM NOT WHERE I WANT TO BE IN MANY WAYS BUT I HAD A HEALTH SETBACK#THAT FORCED ME TO BE UNABLE TO DO SHIT I NEEDED TO DO AND NOW YOU SIMPLY JUST GOTTA GET BACK INTO IT#EVEN IF ITS SLOW AND EVEN IF YOU 'SHOULD' BE BETTER#SHOULD IS A BULLSHIT FUCKING WORD IN THIS CASE#YOU ARE. I AM. AND I WILL CONTINUE BEING. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR AND ACTUALLY IT WILL NOT KILL ME.#I'M JUST GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR. AND THIS ORCHESTRA CYCLE. AND THEN I CAN GO ON VACATION. AND DO MENTAL PRACTICE.#AND MY BEST. AND YOUR BEST DOESN'T MEAN PERFECT OR EVEN THAT FOOD SOMETIMES IT JUST MEANS DO WHAT YOU CAN.#me when im taking it easy but taking it#sorry i gotta hype myself up cuz if i let myself feel bad about myself that's stupid and dumb and im better than that#if im not aggressively positive ill explode and my life will fall apart around me and i will NOT let myself be miserable again#last month was out of my control mostly. i will however not take 19 credits next semester!#girls when. RAAAGGGGGGHHHH RIPS OFF MY SHIRT I AM ALIVE AT LEAST AND THATS PRETTY COOL#me when i paused like seven times typing this to cough hard
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My chest aches
And I’m reading my favourite books again
I have lots of intrusive thoughts
And I’m cooking and drawing again
I have very severe moodswings
And I’m singing in my car and humming the melodies of my favourite songs again
I sometimes feel very depressed, like it’s the end of the world
And I do laundry and change my bedsheets again
I feel confused and frustrated and like I’ve lost myself and everything
And I do yoga and meditate and work out again
And my heart often sinks in my chest, filled with dread
And I can freely laugh with my friends until I can’t breathe and my stomach hurts again
#im healing#despite everything I’m slowly healing#I have many setbacks every day#and they make me forget all that I’ve won back#but I’m still here#holding my own hand#hugging my own back#pushing myself through it one day at a time#it gets dark and lonely#and sometimes it’s too much and too confusing#but I know what will help and make me feel better#and sometimes it doesn’t work immediately#sometimes it doesn’t work even after hours or even after days#but that work still goes somewhere and piles up in the corner of my mind that I might not yet see#and with patience and repetition and consistency and taking breaks to breathe#it will get easier someday#I can get worse but that doesn’t mean that I’m not getting better#im allowing myself to hurt and to be lost and to be tired and to be sick#even if there’s pain I am young and I will take my time to get where I need to be#things to remember
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Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)
I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.
Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.
I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:
In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).
I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)
Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.
...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??
Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.
This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)
So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.
Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.
And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability". And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.
and that's what you missed on Glee!
#honestly if I ever get a therapist it would be so much easier just to submit an essay like this rather than infodump it all out loud#I'm so much better in writing and it would feel less humiliating!#anyway I'm trying to say that I KNOW that this is for the therapist that I don't have and not for tumblr#but I'm glad I could put it into words and since I've been showing effects of it on here... might as well explain it on here#I would get SUCH anon hate for this post if I had a following. and if I had anon on. I can feel it#I'm actually worried about losing followers or mutuals for this just because it sounds cringe and insane#but like I can't fix my own experiences and my own mental health just because 'people are dying Kim' you know???#I would cite my source but... lol. lmao even.#also I guess I didn't do a good job finally being normal on here today did I? 0 days since our last nonsense#when I returned to tumblr this is exactly who I didn't want to be anymore#but it's also weirdly cathartic that someone who cares even a little about me might know about how I feel now. idk.#on the cycle we are 2 days post the re-triggering event lol. I did something else stupid today but nothing as stupid as THAT#it's probably been ~9 months since I was first/last exposed to the content of this Bad Thing so this setback is infuriating#my original post
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LOST POSSESSIONS - aventurine, boothill, x reader
- in which you lost your wedding band during a conflict with something/someone.
- novas comeback post guys I'm gonna be more fluent with writing I promise. hope you enjoy this though I was gonna add Sunday but my computer is literally at 1 percent sooooooo....
- a lot of crying, minor swearing, besides that all comfort... wc 912
When Aventurine walked into your shared home to the sight of you sobbing on the couch, he thought of the worst. Are you hurt? Did something happen while he was at work? He went up to you to seek for answers.
“What happened? What's wrong?” He internally panicked, not wanting to allow you to see his current emotions. He kept calm as you sat up, tear stained face poking a hole through his battered heart.
“You’re gonna be so pissed!” You sob, somehow starting to cry even harder. You dove back into the warm cushions of the couch when you felt the part near your shins dip, and a hand running through your hair and massaging the back of your scalp.
“You can tell me anything. I won’t be upset, I promise,” he gave you a sympathetic look before proceeding. “But if you’re not comfortable with it, I won’t push you.”
You hesitantly show him your bare hands, and he takes them in his. You roll over to face him and look at him with a pained expression, and that's when he seemed to realize.
“Where's your wedding ring?” He said, his words quick. He looked at you slightly wide-eyed before you began bawling again. He began to swipe the tears out of your eyes, his thumb coming into contact with your lower lashes as he quietly attempts to hush you and calm you down.
“Was it stolen? Did you lose it?”
You bring a hand up to your face before sniffling. “It got stolen. The diamond was too appealing to some bastard on the streets on Golden Hour, and it was swiped right off of my hand!”
You curl back into yourself before Aventurine comes down to kiss your face. “I’m not mad at you, babe. I’m beyond pissed off with the person who did that. Nobody seems to have even a drop of human decency these days, do they?”
You slightly shrugged before hugging him close. He returned the hug, and held you there until you quietly whispered a question into his ear. “What are we going to do about the ring?”
He slightly chuckled before bringing his head on top of yours. “I might as well get you a new one. The old one was rather… out of date, if I must say so myself. I could get you a bigger, brighter diamond.”You attempted to protest, attempting to say everything he knew you wanted to say- even something made out of paper would be good enough for me. But he thought you were worth the shiniest, biggest, rarest stone in the world. Worth much much more than that. And this incident wasn’t much of a setback for him, and really didn’t make his wallet cry very hard at all.
Boothill doesn’t play when his significant other is not doing very well. He’s immediately at your side, stroking your hair and trying to do or say anything he can to make you feel better.
But in this instance, it didn’t really work. He realized after a few moments that he just had to be patient, and wait for you to come to him,
“You’re going to be so mad at me if I told you,” you hiccuped, before continuing to talk. “Please don’t yell at me.”
“Why would I ever yell at ya’?” He said, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. “Whatever's got your pretty face all stained with tears can’t be that bad. I hate gettin’ mad at ya’, and ya’ know that.”
You nodded, but dug your face deeper into the pillows. Boothill simply put his metal hand on your back, and rubbed up and down. While the sensation felt cold, it seemed to work to help calm you down because you felt more at ease, and he could tell that too.
“I lost my wedding ring. I don’t know where it went, but one moment it was there and then the next it wasn’t on my hand anymore,” you cut out, trying to hold back more tears. You could see his face change from scared to relaxed.
“Hey, don’t stress it. That’s just a lil’ setback, nothin’ to worry about. We’ll either find it or I’ll buy ya’ a new one,” he says as he picks up your now bare hand, a flash of sadness showing through his eyes. “What’ll make ya’ feel better? Cuddles? If we went out to try n’ find it?”
You shrugged, and he nodded. You buried yourself even deeper into the blankets, giving him the hint that you just wanted to stay inside for now. You felt too bad and your face was rose red from crying, your eyes puffy and your voice raspy. He climbed into the bed with you, wrapping his strong, metallic arm around your covered torso.
“I’ll do a thorough investigation tomorrow. People don’t usually lie to Galaxy Rangers, but I doubt those adorable cutie pies would know somethin’ like that,” he immediately cringed, realizing how the sentence came out. His stupid synesthesia beacon.
But he heard you laugh, and the cringe feeling dissipated into a warmth in his metal chest. His whole goal is to keep you happy, healthy, and safe. If he were to fail at one of those things, he’d fail at his own purpose. For now, his only thing is to cheer you up, and make sure you know that he would never be mad at you for a mistake that's not even your fault.
#honkai star rail#honkai star rail x reader#hsr#hsr x reader#honkai#star rail#honkai x reader#star rail x reader#aventurine#kakavasha#boothill#aventurine x reader#aventurine hsr#kakavasha x reader#kakavasha hsr#boothill hsr#boothill x reader
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TAGS/WARNINGS: reader is gender neutral but afab, inappropriate quirk usage (temperature play), pro hero!shouto, shouto and the reader are married, cumming inside, kinda lazy ending bc i wanted to work on day 8 (threesome ft. todobaku) and didn’t know how to finish it lol GENRE: SMUT SUMMARY: shouto can’t help but tease you despite the way you’re always so good for him. WORD COUNT: 2K 🦊’s A/N: god not my ass opening the first two days, anyway here’s my husband ❤️// also, this fic would have been significantly longer had i not previously exhausted myself on this one (pleasepleaseplease read it i put in sm work)
if shouto todoroki was anything, it was resilient and persistent; throughout his childhood, all throughout the course of his hero training, even with all the setbacks and massive traumas he faced, and now: where you lay squirming and crying beneath him, begging for him to just fuck you despite your cunt already being stuffed by three of his thick, ice cold fingers with your legs tossed over his broad shoulders with his mouth dangerously close to your clit, breath disgustingly hot, making for a sensation that had your overstimulated, puffy pussy drooling as goosebumps rose over your flushed, sweaty skin.
even with the way his cock twitches in his too-tight briefs, shouto simply shakes his head with a soft, patient smile and hushes you gently.
“shh, just one more; cum for me one more time, and i promise i’ll give you what you need,” he coos, gazing up at you from between your legs, his striking, heterochromatic gaze ensnaring your own watery one as you bite your lower lip and nod, eyebrows scrunched up as you wiggle your hips, trying to get away from his frosty fingers despite your agreeance to one more orgasm mere seconds ago. but you knew better—”one more” was never just one more, because there was always another one after that. and another. and probably another after that, because shouto was just that addicted to you: your body, the noises you made, the way your eyes rolled back when he made you cum, or the way your back arched so deeply off the bed as your oversensitive, fucked-out body tried to cope with the feeling of another orgasm.
jesus, you swore this man would be the death of you.
“sh–shouto–!” you sniffle, thighs trembling as you prop yourself up on your forearms and look down at him.
“what is it, love?” his voice is soft and soothing, steady, if not a little breathy, as if he wasn't insanely hard right now—beyond desperate to get his dick wet; while instead, he was knuckle deep in your drenched cunt, playing with you like you were some toy (his favorite toy, really <3) while you whine about how you can't take it anymore.
“if you want, we can stop all together right now,” shouto suggests in a teasing voice, crooking his fingers upwards inside you as he does so, and he can't help but chuckle at the way your voice cracks slightly when you let out a pitchy no and shake your head; you knew when he said stop entirely, he truly meant entirely—meaning you wouldn't get any of the dick you had waited so, so, soooo patiently for!
“y–you're so unfa–fair!” you protest, back arching upwards as he brings his hot mouth closer to your disgustingly wet cunt before wrapping his plump lips around your swollen clit, suckling on it gently as his skilled fingers work against your gummy inner walls and you can't help but shudder at the feeling of the frosty digits in contrast to his almost burning mouth, and it's all you can do to whimper and try not to cry as he works you up to another orgasm. you don't even know what number it was anymore. four? five? fuck, your brain was so fuzzy—and you had not only shouto's skilled tongue and fingers playing with your pussy, but the active use of his quirk as well.
“and?” is all he says as he pulls his thick fingers from your aching cunt with a disgusting schliiick sound so he can make out with your drooling pussy — taking your whole mound into his mouth as he pressed his suddenly ice cold tongue against your slick entrance and engorged clit before the tip of it slowly traces over your inner folds.
“nnngh, fuck,” you moan softly when he suddenly dips the freezing muscle into your welcoming heat, making a mental note of the way you tasted, a grin spreading over his glossy lips as he eats you out with nothing but love in heart.
shouto was always such a giver in bed — don't get me wrong, he certainly loved being on the receiving end of many things, but he loved being the one to give you (often overwhelming) pleasure the most. he thinks he could get off on your satisfaction alone (and he has before), and he can’t help but let out a low, drawn-out whine as he humps the mattress beneath him, dick straining against his sickeningly restrictive underwear, drooling enough to create a wet patch on the bed where he'd been rutting his hips against the comforter (as long as it can be cleaned later, the youngest of the todoroki family never minds making a mess).
“soon, honey, soon,” shouto murmurs against your cunt in response to your pitiful swear. “you've earned it,” he praises you, voice a mere whisper, laced with nothing but adoration for you. he was always so proud of you when you managed to withstand his teasing — the way his calloused hands would trail over your body, both extreme temperatures as he toyed with your already stiff nipples thanks to his near feather light touch having trailed already before touching your properly. god, you hated how patient this man could be sometimes, it was truly sickening. because one thing about shouto was that he always took he sweet fuckin’ time with you in the bedroom (and as a result, he hates quickies—he doesn't believe in rushed sex where neither partner can enjoy themselves in full).
the saccharine tone of his voice had you clenching around nothing as he presses his tongue flat against your clit before circling the freezing muscle around the throbbing bundle of nerves, rapidly cooling it down to an almost unbearable degree.
one of your hand comes down to thread itself into his hair, pulling his face closer to your cunt, to which he had no objections, and it isn’t long at all before the familiar knot in your stomach is snapping for the nth time tonight and you’re shamelessly crying out shouto’s name while your back arches deeply off the bed as your husband continues to eat you out throughout the duration of your orgasm.
“sho—shouto!” you squeal, legs squeezing shut around his head and he lets out a content sigh as he looks up at you with a half-lidded heterochromatic gaze.
“i know, baby, i know, you’ve done so well f’me,” he coos gently, pulling away from your cunt and sitting up on his knees in order to tug his boxers down, groaning loudly when his cock finally sprung free and hit against his lower stomach. “fuck,” he hisses, flushed, mushroom headed tip swollen and leaky.
“wan’ you s’bad, sho,” you whine, impatiently rolling your hips upwards.
“yeah? ‘m all yours, sweetheart,” he says while moving to position himself over you, one hand wrapped around his pretty dick in order to align it with your dripping slit before slowly pushing in, biting his lower lip and letting his head hang down in the crook of your neck to hide his flushed face.
it takes a moment for him to bottom out, and when he does, you both let out a drawn moan, staying like that for a minute before shouto slowly starts to fuck you, hips moving languidly against yours. his dick throbs deep inside you while the flushed head presses against your g-spot and your hands quickly find purchase on his broad and scarred back, nails digging into the skin there as you cry softly beneath him, mindlessly babbling about how big he was and how good he felt, all of which only fueled shouto’s desire to fuck you stupid (as if he hadn’t already).
“mmmnnfgh,” you whimper, raking your nails down his scarred back as you wrap your legs around his waist and cross them at the ankle, pulling his hips flush against yours, his usually neatly trimmed peppermint colored pubes tickling your skin. “oh, baby—you’re fillin’ me up s’good—s–so good,” you coo breathily into his ear, fanning the flames of his ego. “you’re s’fuckin’ big, sho—” so big you feel almost nauseated by the way he thrusts slowly but deeply into you. “nngh–fuck!”
shouto feels his cock twitch and drool inside you at your praise, and his face only gets hotter as he attaches his cool, slightly chapped lips attach themselves to the junction of your neck and shoulder, biting down gently before sucking on the skin. todoroki usually wasn’t one for marking you up in places visible to others, as littering your body with little hickies and bruises where only he could see was typically more than enough for him, but right now…. he couldn’t stop himself from sucking and nibbling on your neck, relishing in the sweet little noises you couldn’t seem to stop making.
shouto feels like he’s drowning in you; your scent, the pathetic little mewls you couldn’t stop from slipping past your mouth, the feel of your body against his, the way your pussy flutters around his dick, squeezing him so tightly he swears as his breath hitches in his throat and his hips stutter against yours as he tries not to immediately cum from the feeling.
“jesus, honey—keep squeezin’ me like that n’ i don’t think i can last much longer,” he groans, trying to maintain an even pace despite the way he falters ever so slightly in his rhythm as he brings his face up from your neck to rest his forehead against yours—always one for obscene intimacy—and breathes heavily through his nose in attempt to catch his breath as his heart hammers away in his chest.
“‘m s–sorry,” you stutter, lightly raking your nails up and down his back before they clasp together behind his neck, glossy lips parted and needy for his own. leaning up slightly, you’re able to steal a kiss from him, hands moving to cup his cheeks tenderly as you tilt your head for a better angle.
“nngh—” he moans softly against your lips, his left hand trailing down your side in a teasing manner as it snakes its way between your legs to rub softly at your oversensitive clit.
“cum in me, shouto—please,” you mumble against his plump lips and you can physically feel the way his dick twitches inside you at your words, and it's all you can do to whine at the combined feeling of his cock buried so deep within you and the near scorching heat of his calloused fingers against your throbbing bundle of nerves.
his eyes fly open in shock at your words and he has to pull away from the kiss to ask if you’re sure and you nod pathetically, rolling your hips upwards and moaning softly to confirm his ask. after that, it’s only a few more thrusts before both you and your husband are cumming with a loud cry as he stills his hips flush against yours, as he finishes deep, so deep, inside you.
“god,” you whimper as he slowly pulls out and moves to lay next to you, wrapping his strong arms around your waist and pulling you so that you were lying chest to chest, catching your breaths together as you bathed in the quiet afterglow of sex. cleaning up could wait for another five minutes, right? you both deserved a moment of rest after all that.
as you lay next to your doting husband, icy fingers ghosting over your ribcage down to your hip bone, following the dips and curves of your supple figure, chilling the heated skin along the way. closing your eyes, you take a deep breath, focusing on inhaling your husband’s somewhat musky scent as compared to the sticky feeling of your sweaty bodies pressed together.
“let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” he suggests softly, to which a warm smile spreads across your face and you nod mindlessly. “‘ll draw you water for a bath,” he offers, starting to get up until you throw a leg over his hip and pull him closer.
“five more minutes…. please? ‘m so comfy,” you mumble, and shouto’s barely able to catch it, but he does, and a gentle smile stretches over his lips as he agrees to your terms.
return to KINKTOBER | S. TODOROKI M.LIST
#boku no hero academia#bnha#bnha x reader#boku no hero academia x reader#bnha smut#bnha x reader smut#mha#my hero academia#mha x reader#my hero academia x reader#mha smut#mha x reader smut#shoto todoroki x reader#shouto todoroki x reader#shouto todoroki x reader smut#shoto todoroki x reader smut#todoroki x reader#todoroki x reader smut#todoroki smut#shoto todoroki#shouto todoroki#kinktober 2024#bnha kinktober#admin 🦊#kinktober#todoroki shoto#todoroki shouto
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10.5: love 》 series m.list
note: we made it !!! i am so incredibly grateful for everyone's love and support with c2u <3 meeting u all was so fun ,, answering ur asks and interacting thru comments truly made my day ! i'm glad i was able to share this silly goofy concept and have it well received . as usual ,, please lmk ur thots !!! i have 3 extras that will be posted soon (ie: their first hook up, a comfort scenario, and one final smut extra) so please look forward to those !!! thank u for ur patience ,, all the love 💗
warnings: sex tape vibes (kind of), pussy eating (nom nom), fucking LOL ... dirty talk & creampie! easy shit yk? lmaoo
taglist request: CLOSED
🏷️ permanent taglist: @joonsjuice @taetaecatboy @pb-n-juju @miss-rainy-days @firesighgirl @whoa-jo @vantxx95 @pamzn @kakixaku @casspirit0705 @tae165 @defzcl @sopebubbles @leefics @ggukkieland @bebebutbetter @yoongimentita7 @boraength @era-genius @4ksj @vampcharxter @miss-jupiter @floweryjeons @taegijns @jeonqkooks-main @ellesalazar
//
As much as Jungkook loves to play soccer for the glory, he loves it best alone.
When the bleachers are empty and the field is wide and free—that’s when he feels the most love for his sport. To others, it comes off as lonely and sad but to him; it’s serenity. Sometimes, it’s the only place he feels like he can truly be himself. It’s a place where he doesn’t have to be anything to anyone. It’s a place where he can be lost and found at the same time. It’s also his go-to place when he can’t sleep. Jungkook hasn’t slept well in weeks. He figured it was time to be in his own space.
His haven.
His favourite part has got to be when he plays so hard that he doesn’t even notice the world is waking up. The moment Jungkook looks up and sees the sunrise—he always gets this feeling in the pit of his stomach. It’s an easiness that can’t be explained.
It’s an incredible relief.
When he sees the sun, he stops playing. He takes a break and sits down to watch the sun bloom on the horizon. There’s so much bliss in the stillness of the world. He feels so much clarity when it’s just him, the net, and the ball. It’s like nothing else matters and his mind can focus on one thing: winning.
Jungkook has only done these late-night sessions a handful of times in his life.
The first time was the day before Uni tryouts and he doubted his talent. Everyone kept telling him he had nothing to worry about, but that didn’t make him feel any better. To Jungkook, his luck was just like everybody’s. He was afraid of it not coming through when he needed it the most. Therefore, he worked his ass off regardless of his luck history.
Note: Jungkook was the first in his year to get in.
The second time was when he fucked up at a game and cost his team a minor setback. It wasn’t the end of the world—he just felt like shit.
The third time was the day he redeemed himself and scored the winning goal that got the team to championships. It was the best game he had in a while. It was also the first time felt tired of it. Tired of the game, tired of the play… Just tired.
The fourth time was when he decided to take a break from soccer and tend to his burnout… Eventually, he came back after a few months. Of course, he did. He loves soccer more than anything in the world…
That was until you.
He didn’t go back to the field and have a session to himself to celebrate. No, he celebrated with you instead. You didn’t know and he never told you… But that’s what he did. The first day he came back to soccer, he went to you right after. With you, he found rest.
That’s when he realized something…
He wasn’t tired anymore.
At least, whenever he was with you.
He wasn’t tired. That’s all he could really ask for, right? To fall in love with someone that was his safety net.
The fifth time would be today.
Jungkook has been out here since 3AM, kicking the ball and practicing drills. It upset him, to be honest. He thought being here would help ease his heart. Everything feels so clogged up and messy to him. It’s like no matter what he does to try to clean up his mess, everything stains. So, he thinks to himself that maybe if he ran enough laps or kicked the ball hard enough—it would stop.
The mess.
The yearning.
The loving.
But it doesn’t.
No, instead his heart continues to ache. As he clenches it every so often, he thinks of you. Then, for a second, his heart is still. In the stillness, he tries to think of good things around him.
At least the rain wasn’t pouring as hard as it was an hour ago.
At least the sun is coming up and it’s a new day.
At least you were here—
Wait.
You’re here?
Jungkook rubs his eyes. Partly due to disbelief and partly because the rain made it hard to see you clearly. Yet, somehow… In his heart, he knows it. He knows it’s you.
How’d you know where he was? More importantly, why are you here?
Why was his heart racing so fast again?
Be still.
He isn’t sure of what to do. Should he wave? Should he call your name? Are you here on accident?
Considering it’s almost 6AM… It can’t be an accident, right?
Just as much as Jungkook’s head begins to fill with questions, yours does too. As you walk closer and closer to him, you can’t help but only hear your heartbeat pound louder and louder. Is this normal? To feel like your heart could jump out of your chest if it meant getting to him faster? You let your mind spin.
Why the fuck are you here?
What are you doing again?
Did you write everything down?
You sure felt a lot braver ten minutes ago… Suddenly, seeing him has made you doubt all the courage you worked to have for this moment. At the same time, the complex feeling of pure happiness and relief blossoms. You can’t help but smile at the sight of him. There’s a stillness in the world and it’s only when you look at him and it’s good. You know that now… But oh my god.
You’re about to lose your shit.
How did you get here?
When did it all begin?
Was it from the first night you two slept together? Or was it the karaoke night when you realized you were waiting for him to kiss you? Could it be time he fucked you in front of your mirror and you vowed to never drink coffee before meeting up with him ever again?
… No.
Maybe it was when Mina came along.
You gave him a blowjob just to stall him from going (bad move, by the way. That was pretty bitchy). Oh, and we can’t forget about the time you craved him when you were drunk out of your mind and all he did was take care of you. Half asleep, you woke up to him mounting your mirror on the wall… And well, maybe…
Maybe it was then.
When he fixed your mirror, he fixed your heart.
That’s probably why the time you two hooked up in his bedroom at the party felt so right. It was finally clicking.
You were into him then.
You just didn’t know how to admit it. Then, it got fucked up because you were caught off guard.
The perilla leaf.
The exile.
The hate sex.
Everything good and bad has led to this moment and you can’t help but feel like you’re falling apart. Finding the origin of it all feels exhausting… In your head, you debate it all. In your heart, you’ve always known.
You see, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
The friendship, the sleeping with him, the hurting him—the loving him… It wasn’t supposed to do this to you. You aren’t supposed to be this nervous and so impatient at the same time. You aren’t supposed to feel this stupid either…
But you do.
… And that’s okay.
Sometimes, with love, you’re going to feel a little stupid. You just have to cross your fingers and hope the person you’re being stupid for is just as stupid as you.
In your case… There’s a good chance he is.
As you stand on the sidelines, Jungkook places his hand over his eyes to see you clearer. He tilts his head in confusion as you drop your bag.
Then, just like that…
It happens.
His thoughts pause, his heart goes still for the nth time, and his world slows down as he takes in the sight of you. Nothing will ever be better than this. The same way he feels an ease when he watches the sunrise—he feels it as he looks at you right now.
God, he loves you so much.
He has known it for so long but this… You in this moment; it’s bliss.
Complete and utter bliss.
If that isn’t enough… His heart is completely undone the moment he realizes two things: one, you’re wearing his jersey, and two; you’re holding a towel in your arms for him. He can’t help but let a laugh escape his lips. All that shit you said about how you would never be a part of his fan club and how you could never be that girl…
Oh, this is gold.
Honestly, it’s more than enough. For you to show up and make this effort—it fills his heart. Yet, you’re you. Always full of surprises and ways of making his heart go on overdrive. As he sinks in his thoughts and soaks this moment in; he watches you take a deep breath. Then, slowly but surely, you extend your hand out to him.
It’s then when he knows it.
The wait was worth it.
The wait is over.
You and Jungkook sit on a bench, under the technical area’s cover. For a while, you two watch the sunrise in silence. Both too afraid to say anything to ruin the moment—both so undoubtedly in love. Once the sun is fully up, you brace yourself.
This is it.
Jungkook turns to you, chasing your eyes.
“You nervous or something?” he jokes, as he begins to dry his hair with the towel you placed around his neck.
“Yeah,” you confide. “Am I doing this right?”
Jungkook’s eyes widen as you scoot closer to him and take the towel. In your continued silence, you take over and start to dry his hair. Scrunching the towel, you pat dry his neck and cheeks. He gulps, unsure of what to do… He likes it though. He likes that you’re taking care of him and that you’re trying. He knows you are.
As you pat dry him, you try to find your words. It takes a moment, but you think to yourself… It’s now or never, right? You’re already here. You’ve already folded.
It catches Jungkook off guard when you suddenly tug him close. Putting the towel aside, you cup his cheeks with your hands. Your hands are cold, but he doesn’t mind. If anything, he’s holding himself back from kissing them. With a pout on your lips, you begin your confession.
“I hate being your friend.”
Jungkook squints at you and chuckles. He removes your hands from his cheeks, smirking at you. “What bullshit are you on now? Didn’t we agree on—”
“I never agreed,” your eyebrows knit together. “It’s been like… A day and a half and I’m going crazy being your stupid friend.”
“Fine,” he snaps. “Enemies?”
His suggestion annoys you.
You lift your hand to hit him, but he catches your wrist. Then, he opens his hands for you. You sigh teasingly but take it. Intertwining your fingers together, you two sit in silence again for a moment.
Holding hands, watching as the rain pours, and preparing to give your hearts to one another… It feels like this could be a dream.
“Tae and Yuna, ” you begin, breaking the silence. Your voice sounds weary and desperate. “They’ve been friends since the very beginning. He always had feelings for her and she did too… But she didn’t do anything about it until it was too late. He’s dating Mina’s friend now or something—it’s so messed up. It’s so unfair, y-you know? They deserve each other so much and I—”
“Breathe,” Jungkook comforts you. “They’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t want that to be us,” you blurt.
Jungkook blinks at you.
“It’s so scary. Jungkook, I don’t want that to be us… B-but it is us, isn’t it? Y-you hate me because of—“
His eyebrows knit together. “___, I don’t hate you. Don’t say that.”
Your lips quiver, unsure of how to navigate through this talk. Maybe you should have planned it better. Maybe you should have written this whole speech out instead of word-vomiting like this… But that’s the thing.
You aren’t good at this.
Regardless, you’ll try for him.
“I’ve been selfish,” you admit, letting your eyes dart to the field. You can’t look at him. It feels too overwhelming to. “I’ve been inconsiderate and I know I can’t justify my actions because they hurt you—I just need you to know that I was scared. It was so scary trusting you, falling asleep beside you, and waking up next to you. It was so scary watching you laugh with other girls and not knowing how to tell you how I felt… I’m sorry I started fights while trying to figure out how I felt about myself… Honestly? I think I was so scared because you made it so easy.”
A beat.
“T-the truth is… I’ve always known how I felt about you.”
Jungkook can’t help but smile. He wonders if you know what you’re doing to him… Do you? He’s afraid you don’t.
“Really?” he pries, moving closer to you. “How do you feel about me?”
Attempting to be intimidating, you turn to face him with a glare.
“D-don’t push it.”
Jungkook pouts. “But I want to know… Please, please, please?”
For a moment you contemplate. Then, you look at him and take it all in. His wet hair, soft eyes, and pouting lips… How were you ever strong enough to say no to him before? Truly, you’re a changed woman.
Curling your fist, you shut your eyes and say it. You tell him the whole truth.
You give him your heart.
“You said you got ahead of yourself… But have you ever considered that I was beside you the entire time? L-like you said you’ve had feelings for me since the first time you made me laugh… Me too. I knew it then too. I just didn’t know what to do because every time I dated guys, it all felt the same… With you, it was different from the start. I don’t know how to explain it… All I know is that I like you in every way it’s possible to like someone—I like you. My heart has been yours all along. I’m sorry it took me so long to give it to you. It just felt like everything with you kept falling into place and I was terrified I was f-falling too… I think—n-no, I… Umm, I know that I…”
Something others may not know about Jungkook is that he’s consistently bad at one thing. That one thing is playing it cool when it comes to you. He has to fight his inner demons to stop himself from professing his love for you every 10 minutes. So, it would be a lie that he wasn’t loving this. He loves watching you feel what he feels.
Your words, sweet and well-awaited, completely captivate him.
He can’t help it when you’re like this. So perfect, so cute, so his. He can’t resist!
Which is why he kisses you mid-confession.
Jungkook kisses you slowly and deeply. Like never before, you lose your breath from how passionately he kisses you. Once you two pull away, he rests his forehead against yours. Smiling, he sneaks in a couple more kisses.
Timidly, you say, “So… You aren’t mad at me anymore?”
With a laugh, Jungkook shakes his head. “God, you drive me crazy.”
“So… That’s a no, right?”
Jungkook rolls his eyes and purses his lips. You press your lips against them and kiss him once more.
“___?”
“Y-yeah?”
“... I checked my phone a moment ago and Yuna ratted you out. She texted me like ten minutes before you came. Said if you don't show up I should knock on your door and fuck your feelings out of you.” You gasp, burying your face with your hands. Sighly dramatically, Jungkook makes a cheeky comment. “Once again, I waited for you.”
You hit his chest playfully. In pure disbelief, you groan at him. “What? Y-you knew and still made me do the whole speech—”
"I didn’t know!” You ignore his claim. “Although, I wouldn't have had any issue fucking the feelings out of you—"
"Are you insane?" you fume. "I was literally sick to my stomach trying to get this confession thing done right!"
“I was excited!” He teases, and nudges you. You remain annoyed at him. Jungkook can’t help but find it cute. “Awh, ___! Come on. It’s not every day that a guy gets to see his girl in his jersey, holding a towel for him on the sidelines! Also… I just really wanted to see what all your fuss was about. I promise, I didn’t know.”
It’s too late.
Just as you stand up and storm away from the embrassment, Jungkook catches up to you. Out on the field, the rain continues to pour on you two. Drying him off was useless if you were going to be this dramatic.
As he catches your wrist, you shove him away and cross your arms.
“I feel stupid,” you sigh. “Y-you knew how I felt about you. I was worried and anxious the entire time and y-you knew!”
Jungkook shuts his eyes and can’t believe how feisty you are. It’s entertaining and frustrating at the same time. God, you were so complex… But at the same time, he knows you’re just afraid. This is you finding an out. This is also you trying to stay.
He takes your hand.
You don’t shake him off say anything.
You let him take it.
He holds it like it’s all he has ever wanted to do (it is all he has ever wanted to do).
“I didn’t know everything! Hey, the fuss was cute,” he ensures you. “Do it again.”
“No!” you cry, feeling your clothes start to stick to your skin. It’s pouring now and you instantly regret being dramatic.
Except, Jungkook looks so perfect. His hair is wet and his shirt is soaked so you can see the way his muscles curve. He’s so handsome that you have to gather all your strength as a woman to keep yourself from jumping on him.
“This shit is so hard!” you complain through the rain. “How did you do this? You confessed like every time we fucked—”
“Yah!” Jungkook warns, feeling a little embarrassed. Maybe he should be the one to storm away now… “Be nice to me or else I’m about to reject you.”
You roll your eyes at him. Grabbing him by the collar, you tug him to your eye level. Happily, he complies.
“Do it then,” you call his bluff. “Reject me right now.”
Jungkook looks into your eyes, loving the way you look at him. He blinks at you slowly and bites his inner cheek. For a moment, he’s silent. You’d think he’s contemplating or something… But he’s not. He’s been sure about you since your first laugh, remember?
“Kinda cruel considering you’re all I’ve been waiting for,” Jungkook confesses, as he dips his head low and kisses you.
As he kisses you, you squeeze his hand. Holding his hand tighter, he smiles into the kiss. The rain continues to pour, making everything feel unreal. As he pulls away, he looks at you the way he always has… This time, you get what Yuna was talking about.
The warmth in his gaze.
The love in it.
The you in it.
After what felt like endless heartache with other boys—this felt healing.
This was yours.
Him.
And that’s when your heart tells you something you never knew…
You waited well too.
You two escape the rain and make it to your place.
In your bedroom, you quickly get undressed and sit in front of your mirror to dry your hair. Jungkook comes out of the washroom all clean. Passing by you, he plants a kiss on the top of your head. You watch from the mirror as he reaches inside your closet for one of his shirts.
Your high from the moment at the field suddenly dies. Suddenly, you realize the confession wasn’t enough to move forward. For fucks sake, he has his clothes in your closet.
“Jungkook?” you ask cutely.
“Mhmm?” he responds as he dresses himself.
You almost choke on your words. “What are we?”
He grins, coming back to you and swaying you side to side. Without batting an eye, he answers: “friends, of course!”
Instantly, you push him away. Your shoulders slump as you glare at him. He laughs his ass off, loving the way you reacted. When he calms down, he kneels in front of you and apologizes.
“Okay, bestie,” you play along as he gets up. “Should we eat perilla leaves to celebrate?”
Jungkook’s mouth drops. His eye practically twitches at the mention of perilla leaves.
Throwing his hands up dramatically, he cries, “Oh god... My girlfriend is so mean to me… She’s so hot, holy shit.”
Girlfriend.
That sounds about right.
He’s so big.
Sometimes, you forget that.
It slips your mind because Jungkook has always been a giver. You never really had to worry about it being uncomfortable. He makes sure you cum first and always puts his needs above yours—tonight was a prime example of just that.
As he towers over you, he leaves a trail of kisses from your neck to your lips. Each kiss is so soft and intimate, your pussy clenches at his very touch. It doesn’t help when he places his thumb on your clit, rubbing and stretching it out to stimulate you even more. As you moan into his ear, he feels shivers go down his back.
You gasp as he bites your skin, enticing you to want him even more.
“Jungkook,” you breathe, “put it in, please.”
“Mhmm,” he moves the hair strands on your face and kisses you. “Be good for me, okay? Be patient. Gonna fuck you good so I need you to be on your best behaviour.”
“B-best behaviour,” you repeat rather lewdly. “Okay… W-whatever you want, love. You have it. You have me.”
Love.
God, you and your fucking words.
Jungkook bites his bottom lip, trying his best to take his time. Truth be told, he wants to fuck you silly right now. He wants you so bad that your legs won’t work and he’ll have to tend to your soreness. He wants to fuck you so good that you scream his name and lose yourself in him… But he’ll take his time tonight.
He wants to show you so much. He wants to show you how good he can make you feel. How you won’t ever regret your decision of being with him. He wants to show you what kind of man you chose and what kind of man you get to have.
A good man.
A man that has wanted you for so long that now that he has you—oh was he ready to drag it out.
Jungkook gently places his dick in between your folds. It’s hard and thick. You can feel it against your wet pussy and want nothing more than for him to put it in. Instead, Jungkook lifts himself and sits in between your legs. There, he holds the base of his cock and slaps it against your pussy. He rubs his cock up and down your folds. Then, he splits them open with his fingers and spits on it. He then spreads his spit with his cock. You feel so lucky when he pokes it inside once in a while. Like a tease, he takes it out so quickly that you begin to feel frustrated.
“P-put it in, please…”
Jungkook smirks.
“Put what in?”
You glare at him.
“Your hard, thick, stupid cock. Put it in my wet, needy, desperate pussy right now… Please?”
Jungkook lets out a sexy chuckle. “Not yet,” he tells you, as he fully stops. He then moves over and helps you sit up. Leaning against your headboard, he spreads your legs. Just when you think you can predict his next move, he reaches over to your nightstand and grabs his phone. Unlocking it, he passes it to you.
“Film me.”
You nod, following his orders.
Tapping record, you angle the camera to your pussy. You watch through the phone screen as Jungkook positions his face in between your legs. Gulping, you throw your head back as he makes his first lick.
Jungkook holds onto your thighs, helping you keep your legs open. He digs himself into your pussy, devouring every inch of it. To deepen himself, he digs his nose in and curls his tongue as he licks you. When he pulls away for air, he sucks on your clit making sure to keep you on your toes.
“Oohhh,” you sob. “S-so good. J-Jungkook—“
“Mhmm,” he murmurs onto your skin. “Tastes so good.”
“A-aghhh! Oh my god!”
The thing is… Jungkook has eaten you out before.
But this was different.
It was slow and sensual. The way he licks you and eats you out just feels so surreal. Your toes curl, your stomach winces, and your pussy tightens as you’re about to climax—
Jungkook pulls away.
He has a devilish look on his face. You stop the recording and toss his phone aside. Suddenly, he takes hold of your ankles and tugs you down. On your back, you open your arms and welcome him in again. Gladly, he buries himself in your breasts and moans at your softness.
“That was—“
“Everything my girl deserves,” he tells you sweetly. “My girl…”
“Your girl,” you pull him in for a kiss. “All yours..”
Jungkook moans, unable to stop himself. He lifts his hips, making space for him to quickly pump his cock before guiding it inside you.
… And oh my god.
He feels so good.
Him inside you is so fulfilling and healing.
“You okay?”
You nod, mesmorized by the man he is.
“More than.”
With that, Jungkook kisses you and begins to fuck you. He thrusts in and out, making you feel his entire length with each stroke. Your body takes him in as if it’s welcoming him home. As he feeds you your craving, he picks up the pace. You wrap your legs around him, moaning from how good it feels as he buries himself in you.
“F-fuck,” Jungkook hisses. “Love this. Feels so good.”
“Mhmm,” you whimper. “J-just like that!”
Jungkook continues to fuck you, drilling himself deeper and deeper. Soon, you’re chanting his name and his ego begins to boom.
Jungkook fucks you like he loves you… And you know it. You can feel it. To express so, you claw his back. Digging your nails deeper and deeper, holding him close.
“N-nghhh! I’m gonna cum—”
“Cum for me, pretty girl. You behaved so well,” he praises. “Proud of you.”
Your heart flutters.
Then, your pussy clenches as you release. He feels it. Jungkook groans, accepting that this round will be over soon. There will be plenty more, for sure. As he pumps inside you lazily, cautious of being sensitive to your climax but also because he’s hitting his.
Then, he creams your pussy. It oozes out, but he pumps himself a few more times to stuff you.
As he spills himself onto you, he lets out heavy breaths and collapses on top of you. You let him catch his breath there as you tangle your fingers in his hair.
“I love you,” you confess.
“Good… I was hoping you would.” Jungkook lets out a tired laugh. “I love you too, ___. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. You’re everything I’ve ever loved.”
You hold him tighter.
“I love you more.”
Jungkook bursts into laughter. “Love, we are not going to play that game.”
Tilting your head at him. “Why not? It’s true.”
“You think you love me more than I love you?”
“Mhmm.”
“Prove it.”
With that, Jungkook laughs as you shift position. Leaving him on his back, you climb on top and straddle him. As you lift yourself to guide his dick inside, he lets out a whiney moan. You are so sexy. You are quite literally his favourite part of living.
“I’ll prove it,” you accept the challenge. “Will you last though?”
Jungkook’s lips slight part, amazed and shocked at your initiative. In response, he relaxes and gestures at your body. There’s a tightness that overcomes his entire body. It’s mixed with excitement and relief. For the nth time, he gives in.
Jungkook folds.
Happily, he gives himself to you.
“With you? Forever.”
Forever.
After 3 rounds, you two call it a night. As you drift to sleep, Jungkook holds you. Before this, you two talked as much as you could and even began to make plans. There is an indescribable comfort in being with each other.
Upcoming dates.
Better ways to communicate.
Everything and anything in between—you two want it all.
As the rain pours, Jungkook finally shuts his eyes. He pulls you closer, kissing you for the final time tonight. There would be tomorrow to kiss you anyway.
Tomorrow and the day after that… And the day after that. And the days that follow—he’d do just that.
He can’t wait to kiss you forever.
To hold your hand forever.
To love you forever.
For the first time in a while, Jungkook finds rest. His heart stays still and feels loved. Besides, this is what he has wanted to be all along—
Close to you.
#bts smau#bts smut#jk smut#jungkook scenario#jungkook fanfic#jk x yn#jk x oc#jungkook uni au#jk fwb#bts fwb
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upon a different life - james bucky barnes des. barnes never trusted you, not once. but upon a different life, he would. notes. angst/comfort, establishing relationship, slow-burn, enemies-to-lovers, i miss bucky, avengers being siblings (and weak for plot),mentions of violence,
hello! it's my bucky fic! i had a bucky fic back then but I deleted it anyway, this was supposed to be a one part but i got carried away, enjoy barnes knowing you! *i wrote this around 3am so, if i have some mistakes, i'm sorry!!*
(part i) (part ii) | w.c: 3.5k
James Buchanan Barnes is slowly getting used to in living with Avengers and the era he is in, in general, he enjoys the slowly yet steady step to forgive himself and earn forgiveness to those people around him as well familiarizing the more advanced world, but nightmares and remarks of his past action come and go; everyone notices it, especially his friend Steve Rogers, but despite this minor setback, he still move forward because it’s not every day, that you die in the 80s and woke up 75 years later.
In terms of forgiving, the sergeant doesn’t know if the genius, billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist have forgiven him—it’s not a secret Stark gives the money and sponsor on the compound they live in but despite his hesitation to live with them, Stark still offered him—it might be a silent agreement with Rogers but somehow, Barnes hopes Stark acknowledges how sorry he was.
But among other things, he wishes he can finally get used to. He finds himself not getting used to you. Even the entire team knows how much James hates you; to you, it’s no secret: you’re his last handler afterall and if the tables are different, you would hate Barnes too. Before Zemo took control of Barnes as Winter Soldier, you were his last boss, a menace actually, you would let him be used. He gets used by someone, you get rich, a simple deal between HYDRA and you. But that changed, when the Winter Soldier regained his memory; with no leverage in making a deal with HYDRA, the Black Widow offered you a place to stay.
It was a nice place, really, a lot nicer than the one you lived in, except, maybe for the fact that you’re still under someone jurisdiction: while the sergeant is able to roam around the city, you keep staring at the wonderful electronic tag in your ankle: in your deduction, you believe that the Avengers are only keeping you alive because of what you know—it’s not even sympathy why the Black Widow offered you stay with them, it’s more of a business.
From the moment you receive glares from everyone in the room, you know damn well that this is just another business. So, it is indeed a surprise, when the A.I enters your room.
“Ha, did Stark send you to check on me again, Vision?” You asked as the artificial intelligence gave you a look. Despite the team’s lack of enthusiasm with you, Vision, Clint, and Thor are the only ones who seem to talk to you. You have talks with Natasha, Tony, and Bruce as well, but it is more of a business than a talk.
“No, I was wondering if you wish to join me, Clint, and Wanda to watch Dick Van Dyke, she seems very excited about it.”
“What makes you think she wants me to join you guys?” You asked hypothetically.
Vision nodded as he glanced at your electronic tag. “If it makes you feel better, they don’t really hate you that much. In my defense, I think you only did the things you have done because you want to survive.” You scoffed as you said that.
“Well, tell that to Sergeant Bar–” but Vision cut you off. “People won’t always use you. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you realize you’re more than just a HYDRA pawn.” You stared at him, as he continued. “At least, that’s what I observed with Sergeant Barnes.”
“Thanks, Vision.” You gave a bland smile, as he left your room. A part of you wants forgiveness, but for someone who learnt life in a hard way, you’re hesitating to give this one a try. Yet for once, a robot was more human than you.
A year after an endless discussion between the Avengers, they decided to remove the electronic tagging and let you roam freely, but still under their jurisdiction. Somehow, Stark and Banner acknowledge your knowledge while the rest give respect to your fighting ways and quick judgment; well, all of them are getting used to you. Well, maybe except for Bucky. Steve told you it takes time, but to your knowledge, it won’t take time because it won’t happen. You accepted the terms that Barnes will not and never forgive you, you don’t blame him though, mostly you blame yourself.
In this scene, you finally learn to adjust, not going out of your room if he was outside, not training–the same time as him, and definitely not talking to him; even a spare glance, felt like a struggling pain of unforgiven lingering. The team respected Barnes more than they respected you, but somehow, it felt like you finally belonged to something. Well, atleast, that’s what you thought.
Their mission to infiltrate HYDRA failed terribly, despite the information you gave them, they weren’t prepared and outnumbered. Despite their failure, they were able to take a hit on HYDRA’s camp, it’s not much but still affected HYDRA. As the quinjet landed on the hangar, the medical team supported those who were injured. A lot of them were, including those who sometimes get out without a scratch.
In the med bay: you saw Clint and Sam—they somehow, took a toll, as you walked further, you saw the entire team taking care of their small cuts, with them helping another, they were able to close the wounds, well, maybe except for the Winter Soldier—or as they call him the White Wolf. On the back of his right shoulder, he was bleeding badly, despite having all the needed things to tend his wounds around him, he sat on the bed feeling out of place, besides it’s only a shoulder wound.
Due to the lack of people in the med bay, you offered help in the team. As you finished to tend some of the team’s wounds including Rogers’ and Romanoff’s. Your eyes met a struggling Bucky Barnes, grasping his right shoulder with his metal arm. Your footsteps were slow as you walk towards him.
“...Do you need help?” He wanted to say no, everything part of him says no, but as he glanced that there’s no person who can help him in his injury, he nodded. Afterall, you’re also the one who patches him up whenever he gets injured in his missions back then.
You carefully clean his wound as you tend him, you wipe the dirt and the things visible that might infect the wound, as you try to start a talk. “Was it bad out there? In the mission, I mean..” He just let out a grunt, which you expected, but he replied with. “They have three more Super Soldiers and one enhanced, just like Wanda.”
You didn’t respond, just continued stitching his wound. As you finish, you put on some bandages as he asked. “Did you know?” Barnes asked.
“Did you know about the Super Soldiers?” He asked again, for a quick moment, you realized that he is still an assassin, you felt his anger and bloodlust. At that moment, you wish you didn’t work with HYDRA. In truth, you didn’t know where they were but you knew HYDRA didn’t stop making them. But your stuttering left the Sergeant furious even more.
“I–I..” That was the only thing you could say when you suddenly felt his metal hand around your neck, at other times this can be hot and daring, but at this time, you were damn sure that the Sergeant would be able to crack your neck: he could kill you. The team in the med bay immediately sat up.
“Buck, put her down.” You assumed it was Rogers who was talking to the Sergeant. As it was getting hard to breath, James starts to explain that you knew there were Super Soldiers, in that Rogers asked you.
“Did you actually know?” Barnes shook you, as you met the Captain’s eyes. “I did.” Before James finally kills, you continue. “I didn’t know they were stationed there.”
If this was a HYDRA facility, they would’ve shot you despite you telling the truth, Wanda nodded, a confirmation that you were telling the truth. Steve asked Bucky to let go of you, with an angered stare, he let go. As you try to catch your breath, you notice some of the bandage of Rogers came off. You reached your hand to help him but a metal hand covered your wrist.
“Stop pretending to be a good guy, we know you’re глупая игрушка of HYDRA.” He grabs your wrist tighter. “You’re not even part of the team.” That was the last straw, you pulled your wrist away, as you searched for someone to stand with you but all you saw was them looking away from you, even Vision. You nodded as you felt some tears sting. You never actually belonged in the team. Just like Barnes said, a глупая игрушка.
A stupid toy.
Stark spotted you, making tea in the middle of the night. “So, you’re the one that’s drinking tea.” His voice echoed in the empty kitchen. You nodded as you asked him if he wanted some, as he nodded. “Heard what happened.”
“Of course, you do.” Stark eyed you as you finally sat down and Stark rolled his eyes. “I forgave Terminator a while ago.” You looked at him.
“I know he took everything from me, but, I guess it’s just the way it is…Pepper is really good at convincing , I give her that, well, maybe because we–”
“Are pregnant…?” You asked, in which Stark immediately shook his head and chuckled. “Well, no, but, I just want peace, you know.”
“That’s a bit out of character.” You commented. “Ah, the secret service have their humor.” The billionaire chuckled. As he glanced at the stair towards the rooms. “You did not know about the soldiers but, the information you gave was really helpful. We can start with that.” As Stark stood up. He added.
“Oh, and next time, make sure you suit up. You can tag along in the mission if you want, secret service.” Stark walked away with a smug smirk. “You sure, they’ll allow me in the field, Mr. Stark?”
“Maybe not. But, we have a higher chance of winning if they don't know what they’re up against.” He said as he left. But, when the morning comes, there’s no trace of you—only the cup of tea you shared with Tony and a room filled with your stuff, as well as, a folder with all of HYDRA’s information and coordinates in sticky notes. As the team assembled, they wondered if you were stolen from them or you were actually planning to betray them a long time ago.
And there’s only one way to find out.
As the Avengers rode the quinjet, Stark drove peacefully as Romanoff shared her side. “Steve, if we do this and see her there, we can’t save them like we did back then.”
“We didn’t save her, Romanoff. We used her…” Steve added. “But, you guys cared for them too.” His eyes fall on Bucky. “Buck, I know this is—”
“It’s a mission. As long as we’re done. I don’t care what happens to them.” James added.
As they reach the base of HYDRA, with the coordinates in the folder, they immediately search for you, but to their mistake, they fall right into a trap. Not even their strongest and the witch was able to see the trap, as they sat and chained in chairs, Natasha cracked a joke.
“This is probably their revenge.” In which none of them find them funny. Especially the guy with a metal arm. As the time passes with the endless blabbering of the man on the computer, lights and warning signs alarmed the area: as the Avengers look for an escape. It was an unfamiliar site, even for Bucky, all of the soldiers on HYDRA are getting deployed, what could possibly be the reason? As the chain, holding the Avengers finally loose, they stood up immediately, they ran in the door meeting you.
“ROGERS?!” You asked breathlessly. They were all confused but much more concerned about the blood painting your entire body. “Oh, it’s not mine.” You said in a smile. “We have to run, quinjet is outside the building.” As the team sprinted outside, surprise to see the number of bodies you took down.
“You took them all down?” Natasha asked as the quinjet was finally visible. “Ah, yeah. I was raised by them so, nevermind, we have to go.”
It was going so well, but in the escape, a lot of missiles were aimed at the quinjet, as you, Sam, Tony, Wanda, and Sergeant Barnes fought the trailing jet in the back of quinjet, James rode a jet that is about to crash with another, he dodged the explosion but fell unconscious. Without thinking, you jumped out of the quinjet to save his unconscious body, hoping it’s water underneath all the chaos.
As the cold temperature of water hit you, you swam to get the sergeant’s body. People in quinjet knew what happened, but in the height of the situation, they had no choice but to continue to flee; hope to save the sergeant and you, tomorrow.
The sergeant woke up in a bed made of leaves and an open night-sky. As he familiarize with his surroundings, he saw the heat radiating from a bonfire and you sitting by the shore. It was as if you sensed him.
“You’re finally awake.” You said as you walked towards him; he immediately tensed up. “Oh, right.” you placed the sugarcane on the sand as you sat down. “Tony would probably search for us tomorrow, once the sky is cleared.” You added but he is still weary of your presence.
“What’re you playing at?” He asked, as you looked at him.
“What do you mean?”
“You being a goody-two-shoes, you know, none of us trust you.” He added finally, grabbing the sugar cane munching it. “And now, you leaving and suddenly appearing at the HYDRA facility, makes you more of a traitor than a help to us, so, what’s really your play?”
“...I want to help—”
“You have a funny way of showing it…” He grumbled as you replied. When you hear him grumble, you grab a swiss knife in your pocket, as you did when he was on guard but then, you place it on the sand and look at him. “I wasn’t there because I wish to betray anyone, I was there because…..”
You sighed and looked at him. “I wanted to apologize to you. What I did in those years is unforgivable, hell, even I would be angry if I was in your position. I wanted to apologize to you and your family, the one you grew up with. I want to see if HYDRA knows about them, in that way, I can apologize for manipulating Winnifred’s only son and Rebecca’s only brother.”
Bucky stared at you. “But who am I kidding, it is full of shit..I just really hoped because—I finally felt like I was part of a team. It’s a bit much, right? I was ahead of myself.” You chuckled. As you stare at the sea, you continue. “The swiss knife will be there, do whatever you want with it. Whether you used it for survival or against me, it’s up to you.” You smiled at Bucky.
“This probably will make you hate me even more but it truly means everything, I am really sorry, Bucky.”
That was the first time he heard you mutter his name. His first time seeing you smile. His first time hearing you say sorry; his first time seeing you. As the night grew deeper, you fell asleep, except for the guy with a metal arm, he fidgeted with the swiss knife and kept glancing at you. He has you, he can kill you, revenge. With a lot of contemplation; balancing his morals, he stood up, gripping the swiss knife tightly and went to your sleeping body.
He was really thankful that you were asleep.
You watch from upstairs as you see the God of Thunder, the White Wolf, and Captain America struggle with their new phone given by Stark.
“10 Bucks says Barnes will break it.” Sam told you as he stood watching the three as well. “20 Bucks says Odinson will be the one who will break it.” You added; to anyone’s surprise, it was Steve who made the screen crack.
“Dammit.” Sam muttered as you noticed his suit. “Got a date or something?” Sam just nodded and said something about meeting his sister in the bank, as he left, you called Barnes out. “Sergeant, we’re losing daylight, let’s go.” You said as he ran upstairs, leaving the compound as well, with you next to him.
He grips the swiss knife tightly, as he walks to your unconscious body as he shakes you awake. “Hey.” he muttered slowly: “Did you find them? Rebecca, I mean…” In your state, you would have said something random but as you met his eyes, he was just pleading as you nodded, he retracted the knife and handed it to you.
“Go say your apologies to them then. Bring me to them.” In that he awkwardly smiled but was sincere. “Okay.” As he went to his side on the sand, he then sighed, “It means everything, Thanks for saying that.” With a soft heart, you slept soundly and Barnes did too as the sand felt more like the best bed in town.
As you drive, Barnes asks how you find his family. “It was more of how HYDRA hid it, what surprised me is that—they don’t pick dead bodies up in the 40s?” In that, Bucky eyed you. “What do you mean? I fell of the—”
“If I was like one of the bosses, I would’ve.” Bucky sighed. “It was war back then, it was better to leave them, I guess.” You sighed and acknowledged his explanation. As you two reach Brooklyn, his eyes wander. “First time back in Brooklyn?” he nodded as he explained how different times were. He wasn’t talkative much, but you saw how his eyes lit up when the corners of Brooklyn hit him home. As we reach the cemetery, you glance at the grave.
“This is Rebecca’s and your Mom’s. I couldn’t find anything on your father, I’m sorry.” As Barnes walked out the car with flowers in his hand, you watched him but then he opened your door, “Aren’t you going to apologize to them too?” You smiled and got out of the car, “I did say that.”
We stayed there for a few minutes, as Bucky walked to get something in the car, he heard your voice talking to them as if they were still alive, it felt new to him, this side of you, it’s more warmer than before. He walks cautiously as he slowly hears a bit of your words. “Rebecca and Mrs. Barnes you have an amazing brother and a son.”
Despite everything and hate lurking in his chest towards you, his painful experience, he was willing to give this forgiveness a shot, because he was a human and not a machine.
As the two of you drove back to the compound, the silence was now replaced with a calmer one, which Bucky glanced at you. “Something wrong?” He asked you.
“No, it’s just, I don’t know what we should talk about, I’m still getting used to this too. Food that is warm, going to places that don't require guards, a bit warmer home, and bright home, and a house full of people, still getting used to it, I guess.” You explained.
“Well, me and you are on the same boat.” He added assuring you. The ride back was more of a relaxed one, as you heard Bucky’s stomach growl. “We should eat something.” Before he could protest, you parked the car and you two went inside a diner.
As you two sat, you kept glancing at the machine on the edge of the table, as you saw Bucky eyeing it as well. “What is it?” You asked him, as he cleared his throat. “A Jukebox.” but your lack of response made him look at you. “You don’t know what—”
You shook your head. “Well, with HYDRA raising me I only know the static radio.” You explained, looking away awkwardly. “Oh, it’s a music box, like a vinyl but you need a quarter to play a song.” He explained as you nodded. “I have a quarter.” As you give him the quarter, he signals you to press a button to play music. As you two eat a meal in the diner: the low volume of Chet Baker’s I Never Been In Love Before plays, it is safe to say that two people felt more human than before and a lingering warm feeling in their chest. Safe to say, they’ve never been in love before.
⚘ masterlist 1 | 2 | 3
#marvel#mcu#marvel mcu#marvel x reader#marvel fics#bucky barnes#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes fic#james buchanan barnes#james bucky barnes#bucky angst#bucky fluff#bucky x reader#bucky x reader angst#bucky x reader fluff#bucky barnes comfort#bucky x you#bucky barnes imagine#james barnes#winter solider x reader#bucky x fem!reader#bucky#James Bucky Barnes Angst#trinity_archives
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You're Not My Real Dad
Part of the "Meet & Greet... and more?" Universe Pairing: Lando Norris x Noah Words: 1501 Request: Omg I absolutely love the meet and greet series. 😍 I was wondering if I could request something where Lando and Noah get into a fight. Like Lando told him to clean up his toys and Noah dose the whole 'your not my dad' line. But happy and sweet ending of course. 😌 Masterlist
Please do not repost, thank you, and leave some feedback :)
Lando had barely stepped inside his apartment when he felt the weight of a long race weekend lift off his shoulders. But as he walked through the modern space, lined with sleek furniture and bathed in the soft glow of evening light filtering through the large windows, his attention was drawn to a new challenge awaiting him. His seven-year-old son, Noah, had been struggling a bit with his recent move to Monaco and today was no different.
The apartment was a mix of the unfamiliar and the exciting - a space with stunning views of the Mediterranean Sea. Yet, for little Noah, it was all a bit overwhelming. The transition had been difficult and the chaos of his new room showed his unease.
After a quick shower Lando headed towards Noah’s room, his footsteps soft on the polished floors. He knocked lightly on the door before opening it. Noah was deeply engrossed in constructing a Lego spaceship on the floor, surrounded by an ocean of toys, books and scattered art supplies. The room looked like a miniature storm had hit it.
“Hey, buddy,” Lando said gently as he stepped into the room. “I see you’re building something amazing there.”
Noah looked up briefly, his concentration breaking. “Uh-huh.”
Lando smiled, sitting down beside him. “I’m glad you’re having fun but it’s time we clean up a bit. The room’s a bit messy and we need to get it sorted.”
Noah’s eyes narrowed and he pushed a Lego piece aside with a sigh. “I don’t want to.”
Lando’s heart ached at the reluctance in Noah’s voice. He understood how the move had been hard on him - new city, new school, new environment and now it seemed like even the small tasks were a burden.
“Noah,” Lando said softly, his voice concerned, “I know it’s been a bit tough lately. Moving to a new place can be really hard but we need to take care of our space so it feels more like home. Come on, let’s clean up a bit.” He reached for a stray Lego piece on the floor but Noah’s small hand shot out to grab it back.
“No!” Noah screamed. “I don’t want to! I hate it here!” He pushed the Lego piece away and kicked at a pile of books, sending them tumbling across the floor.
Lando’s patience began to fray but he tried to meet Noah’s gaze. “I understand that you’re upset. It’s a big change and it’s not easy but this mess isn’t going to help.”
Noah’s face flushed red, his anger escalating. “You don’t get it! You’re not my real dad! You don’t know how I feel!” He grabbed a handful of toys and threw them across the room, the clatter echoing off the walls.
Lando’s smile faltered. When he heard those words - “You’re not my real dad!” - his heart sank. It felt as though someone had physically twisted a knife in his chest. The sting of Noah’s outburst cut deeper than any racing setback he’d ever faced. The room, once just a mess of toys and books, suddenly felt like a battleground of emotions.
“I may not be your real dad but I care about you a lot. I’m trying to make things better here. It’s not just about cleaning up, it’s about making this place feel like home.”
“No!” Noah shouted. “I don’t want this! I don’t want you telling me what to do!”
Lando’s face hardened as he stood up, his hands on his hips. “Well, what do you want, Noah? Just to sit here and wallow in the mess? That’s not going to fix anything. I’m trying to make things better for you!”
Noah shook his head, his anger now giving way to raw emotion. “I want my old room, my old friends. I want things to be normal!”
Lando’s shoulders sagged as he realized that shouting wasn’t going to help either of them. His anger dissolved into frustration and sadness. He took a deep breath and walked over to Noah, kneeling down to be at his level. “I know you miss your old life but we have to face this new reality together. If we keep fighting like this, it’s only going to make things harder.”
Noah looked away, his small body trembling. “This place is too big and too different.”
Lando’s mind raced, reflecting on the countless ways he had tried to make the transition easier; setting up Noah’s room, spending extra time with him whenever he could and making sure he felt welcomed in their new surroundings. Yet, despite these efforts, the move had taken a toll. Hearing Noah made Lando question if he had done enough or if he had somehow failed.
In his personal life there were no pit crews or advisors to help Lando navigate these emotional terrains, just him, his love for Noah and the desire to be the best father he could be.
Despite the hurt Lando knew he had to remain calm and supportive. He took a deep breath, pushing aside his own wounded feelings to focus on Noah’s needs. It was clear that Noah was feeling lost and was reaching out in the only way he knew how.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Lando said quietly, his voice steady. “I know things are different for you and it’s not easy but I care about you and I’m here for you, even if it doesn’t always seem that way. Being your dad means helping you through tough times and sometimes that means cleaning up a messy room together.”
Noah’s eyes welled up and he looked down at the scattered toys, overwhelmed. “I don’t want to clean up. It’s too much.”
Tears began to roll down Noah’s cheeks and he buried his face in his hands. The sight of his son, usually so full of energy and laughter, now so vulnerable and upset, struck Lando deeply. He knew this move had been incredibly tough for Noah, tougher than him and Y/N had expected, and the weight of the transition was clearly taking its toll.
Lando gently pulled him close. “It’s okay to be sad,” he said softly. “I understand. Moving is hard and it’s a lot to handle but you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here to help and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll figure this out together.”
Noah’s bawling became more intense and his little body shook with the force of his crying. “I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I didn’t mean it. I know you’re my dad. I just… I just don’t know how to feel.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Lando whispered. “You’re allowed to feel however you need to. It’s okay to let your feelings out. I’m here with you and we’ll get through this. It might be tough now but we’ll find our way.”
Noah’s sobs gradually subsided and he looked up at Lando with tear-streaked cheeks. “I really miss my old room,” he said softly.
“I know you do,” Lando said gently, brushing a tear from Noah’s face. “And it’s okay to miss it. We can make this new place special too. Let’s work on it together, one step at a time.”
Noah nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Okay. Can we make it fun?”
“Absolutely,” Lando said, his heart lifting at the sight of Noah’s willingness to try. “Let’s turn cleaning up into a game. We’ll see who can find the most missing pieces and put them away. And afterwards we’ll have a movie night with popcorn and whatever else you want, just the two of us.”
Noah’s face brightened slightly and he gave a small, grateful smile. “Popcorn sounds good.”
“Popcorn it is,” Lando said, smiling back. “Let’s go.”
They began tidying up and Lando made a game out of it, pretending that each toy was a hidden treasure to be found and organized. He exaggerated his excitement over each discovery, making Noah giggle despite himself. The room quickly started to look more organized and Noah’s mood lifted with each passing minute. Noah’s laughter returned as he found a new rhythm in the task and Lando felt nothing but relieved.
When they finally finished the room was clean and tidy. Noah looked around. “We did it, dad.”
“We sure did,” Lando said, giving him a high-five. “Now, let’s pick out that movie.”
They made their way to the living room where Lando let Noah choose from a selection of Disney movies. Noah’s choice was Cars - an obvious choice - and they settled in with popcorn and cozy blankets.
When the opening credits rolled Noah snuggled up against Lando, a sigh escaping his lips. The earlier tension had eased and the comfort of being with his dad made the new apartment feel a little more like home. Lando looked down at the boy in his arms. The transition to Monaco was still a work in progress but moments like these made it clear that, together, they could make it work.
________
AN: Anon, I hope you like it and it's what you had in mind 🥹🫶
I'm starting a new taglist for any stories Lando x Noah related, let me know if you want to be on it!
Also, keep them requests comingggg, I have next week off and need something to do 🤭
Taglist: @eloriis @pacifierbby @landossainz @littlegrapejuice
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𝐓𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐃𝐌𝐈𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈'𝐌 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐎𝐎 𝐒𝐎𝐅𝐓 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐎𝐅 𝐈𝐓 ─ PB⁵ ft. UCONN WBB MANAGER
౨ৎ ─ summary | this is taking place pre-relationship! paige apologizes for distancing herself after her injury. this can be read by itself but i would highly recommend reading my headcanons first so you have a bit of context!
─ word count | 1.1k
─ warnings | paige's injury, mention of tension/pettiness, the reader and p weren't on good terms for a while.
─ ev's notes |
⇨ missing out on updates? check out my wcbb masterlist! (updates once a week or so)
THE KNOCK ON your apartment door was sharp and slightly unexpected, your expression turning confused and slightly annoyed.
KK and Ice had left your apartment almost an hour ago, could they really be back already? You sighed before closing your laptop, getting up to open the door only to be met with the person she least expected to be there.
Paige, in all her glory ─ crutches and everything.
You couldn't really explain exactly what happened to prompt Paige to begin acting weird, but she was. She had been, for a while now and you didn't really know why. This was almost two months before her injury so you couldn't even use that as an excuse; she just was.
Despite her efforts to create distance, you couldn't help but worry about her. After all, you had grown close and you even considered her to be one of your best friends at some point, but right now you really didn't know what your relationship was. And of course when she got injured, you made it your mission to take care of her, offering support and comfort whenever she needed it.
But no matter how hard you tried, she always pushed you away. You didn't understand it, you didn't even know why ─ so eventually, you just gave up.
As Paige stood at your doorstep, a whirlwind of emotions seemed to flash across her face. You ushered her in quickly, noticing the slight grimace of pain as she maneuvered on her crutches.
Before you could even begin to speak, she began to talk. "Look, I'm sorry."
You stared back at her, taken aback by her sudden apology. This whole thing had been happening for three months, and even after the millionth time you tried fixing the issue, she continued to act distant with you. It was frustrating and disheartening, to say the least. You had racked your brain trying to understand what went wrong, what could've caused Paige to pull away, but you always came up empty-handed.
"I'm sorry for being a bitch, especially the other night," Paige's voice was devoid of any of the usual excitement she had, it didn't even sound like her.
You couldn't really blame her though, she had just suffered a potentially season-ending injury and the weight of it all seemed to be pressing down on her shoulders. Despite her usual extroverted energy, Paige appeared diminished, her usual spark dulled by the frustration.
You felt a pang of sympathy as you looked at her, realizing the immense toll her injury must be taking on her both physically and emotionally. It wasn't just about missing games or the possibility of a season-ending setback; it was about the loss of something she loved, something that defined her in many ways.
"No, it's okay. Don't even apologize, I get it," you said softly, your voice laced with empathy. "I shouldn't have pushed you, especially with your injury and all,"
"You were just trying to help, I really am sorry," Paige mumbled as she sighed. "I've been so caught up in my own anger that I haven't stopped to think about how it's affecting everyone else, especially you."
You frowned at her words, your heart aching for her. You had been there; the exact moment it happened and you almost couldn't believe it, all the pettiness from the previous months were thrown out the window as you ran to her side.
You moved closer to her, wanting to offer her some comfort. "Please, don't stress yourself out about it. I just wanted you to get better and... well, I just wanted my best friend back," you let out a nervous chuckle as you spoke.
Paige finally met your gaze, her eyes watery and red as she sniffled. She felt ashamed, she couldn't believe that she let anything get in the way of her relationship with you.
"P, it's okay," you said gently, reaching out to wipe away her tears. "I understand why you've been feeling the way you have. And I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you, through the good times and the bad."
Paige sniffled, leaning into your touch as if seeking comfort. "I'm really, really sorry, Y/N. I've been such a mess lately, I missed you."
You could practically feel the exhaustion radiating off of her as you sighed. Without any hesitation, holding her close as if trying to shield her from the weight of the world. Paige buried her face into your shoulder, her body trembling with pent-up emotion as she finally allowed herself to release the weight she had been carrying.
"You don't have to apologize, P," you whispered, your voice filled with warmth and reassurance. "I've missed you too, more than you'll ever know. But more than anything, I just want you to be okay."
Paige buried her face in your shoulder, her breath hitching as she let out a shaky sigh. "I'm trying, Y/N. I really am."
You held her tighter, offering her the comfort and support she so desperately needed. "I know you are, Paige. And I'm here for you every step of the way. We'll get through this together."
Paige nodded against your shoulder, her breaths coming out in ragged sighs as she let herself be comforted by your embrace. In that moment, the walls she had built around herself seemed to crumble as she let go of all her fears.
Paige spoke up again, her tears soaking into the fabric of your shirt. "I don't know what I'd do without you, Y/N. You've always been there for me, even when I didn't deserve it."
"That's what I'm here for, right?" You replied, tightening your hold around her.
Eventually, Paige pulled back slightly, her eyes red and puffy but filled with gratitude. "Thank you, Y/N. I don't know what I'd do without you."
You gave her a gentle smile, brushing a stray tear from her cheek. "You don't have to do anything alone, Paige. I'm here for you, always. Are you hungry?"
She was slightly taken aback as she let out a soft chuckle. "Sure, yeah. What's on the menu tonight?"
You smiled back at her, feeling yourself fall back into the natural swing of things. "Mac and cheese, if you're up for it?"
"Hey, it's a thanksgiving food! It's kinda fitting the vibe, don't ya think?" Paige's voice came out hoarse but you could see the amusement in her red-brimmed eyes.
With a gentle arm around her shoulders, you guided Paige to the kitchen, mindful of her injury. As you worked together to prepare the meal, the tension that had been weighing heavily between you seemed to dissipate, replaced by a sense of familiarity.
However, you could still sense a little tension in the air ─ but you decided that issue was for another day.
↳ make sure to check out my navigation or masterlist if you enjoyed! any interaction is greatly appreciated !
↳ thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡
#paige buckets#paige bueckers x reader#paige x reader#paige#paige bueckers#uconn#uconn wbb#uconn huskies#uconn women’s basketball#uconn wcbb#ncaa women’s basketball#women's college basketball#paige bueckers smut#paige bueckers fanfiction#paige bueckers x oc#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers headcannons#uconn wbb manager ★
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A Mini Guide For : How To level Up Your Confidence
1. Reframe Your Fails into Fuel - Instead of letting setbacks crush you view them as training moments. Everyone messes up but confident people use those experiences to learn and improve. Next time you face a challenge tell yourself "This is an opportunity to grow" and watch your confidence soar.
Celebrate Your Strengths - Don't wait for someone else to pat you on the back. Recognize and appreciate your own talents and accomplishments. Make a list of things you're good at big or small and revisit it whenever self doubt creeps in. Remind yourself - I am awesome at speaking and doing conversations and that's something to be proud of!
Fake It Til You Make It "in the Right Way" - This one gets a bad rap but here's the key don't pretend to be someone you're not. Instead act confident even if you don't feel it completely. Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak clearly. This outward projection can trick your brain into feeling more confident and over time it can become genuine
Compete Against Yourself, Not Others - Ditch the comparisons! Social media and societal pressures can make us feel like we're constantly falling short. But true confidence comes from focusing on your own journey, not someone else's highlight reel.Track your progress and celebrate how far you've come and set goals that challenge you to be a better version of yourself.
Focus on "what you can control," not the rest: Can't control others' opinions? Let it go. Focus on your strengths and actions and how you want to show up in the world Be your own boss.
Be patient with yourself and know your self more so that you can know in what areas you need to develop more , Message me if you guys want that sheet to know about yourself more 🥰
#pink blog#becoming that girl#girlblogging#it girl#fashion model#self love#self improvement#self image#law of assumption#vogue beauty secrets#fashion#beauty#vogue paris#wonyoungism#glow up#glowcore#pink pilates princess#productivityboost#dark academia#desiblr#self concept#it girl energy#becoming her#self development#self awareness#self care#self growth#lana del rey#pinterest girl#clean girl
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angry angel / park jongseong
synopsis: you say I deserve better but what could be better than you?
pairing: jay x reader, grumpy x sunshine
warnings: arguments, hinting at a breakup, angtsy (cause that's all i know) but still fluff in the end, lmk if i missed anything
wc: 3k
You always wondered why he told you to keep the key to the padlock when you both pushed the latch of the lock that is supposed to symbolize unbreakable love. Wasn't the whole purpose of the love locks being to throw the key into the water to show that the love lock would be bound to the railing, just like how you two were to each other?
When you started dating Park Jongseong, all you friends questioned your taste and judged your decision-making skills. Since you two were the complete opposites, it didn't seem right for little miss sunshine to pair up with Mr. grumpy pants.
But something about that serious and nonchalant behavior, you saw a gentleman and a committed lover. To which he was, he was no lovey dovey prince charming. But you were so attracted and drawn to the person he was. You were just hoping that one day, you'll get to the bright side of Park Jongseong, the cute and soft side.
For Jay, his friends felt the same. They were always expecting Jay to settle down with someone who was like him, so when you walked in the room holding his hand; let's just say shock was an understatement. When they were told, they were going to meet his girlfriend, they thought a sophisticated, old money kind of vibe, laid back woman would show up. But there you were with your bubbly and friendly personality.
Nonetheless, they loved and adored you. It was something they definitely teased Jay about once he arrived back to the house after dropping you back home.
Jake, Heeseung, and Sunghoon are lounging on the couch, chatting and laughing. Jay enters, looking a bit flustered but trying to maintain his usual composed demeanor.
Grinning mischievously "Well, well, well, look who's back from his romantic rendezvous." Jake says. Jay raises an eyebrow "Very funny, Jake. Can we not start this?"
"Oh, come on, Jay. Don't be such a killjoy. We're just curious about your date with YN."
"Yeah, we're dying to know how Mr. Serious managed to snag such a bubbly girl like her." Hearing this from Sunghoon, Jay sighs "She's not that bubbly.
"Oh, really? Because when she walked in here earlier, she practically lit up the room with her energy."
"Yeah, and compared to her, you look like you're about to give a lecture on quantum physics."
Jay was used it, but he did share the same thought on how he managed to start a relationship with you and why were you both so attracted to one another.
But that did not change the fact that he did love you and did do things that you never expected from him.
Every morning, you wake up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and the sound of Jay bustling around the kitchen. Despite his grumpy demeanor before his first cup of joe, he always manages to make you a perfect cup, just the way you like it. As you sip your coffee, Jay places a gentle kiss on your forehead, mumbling a sleepy "Good morning, beautiful" before heading off to tackle the day.
Or after a long day at work, you come home exhausted and stressed. Jay, despite being equally drained from his own day, immediately springs into action. He starts preparing your favorite comfort food, humming a tune to himself as he works. As you sit down to eat, he listens intently to your day, offering words of encouragement and support, reminding you how capable you are even when you feel overwhelmed.
Even that one evening, you're feeling particularly down about a personal setback. Jay, knowing how much you love spending time outdoors, suggests taking a spontaneous evening walk together. Despite his initial reluctance, he puts aside his own concerns to focus on cheering you up. As you stroll through the park hand in hand, he shares stories and jokes, doing his best to bring a smile to your face.
But the funny thing was in public, you two weren't even seen as a couple since both of your aesthetics don't even blend. A few to mention; You and Jay decide to grab dinner at a trendy restaurant downtown. As you walk in, Jay, dressed in his usual business casual attire, heads straight for the bar while you, in your bright and colorful ensemble, take a moment to admire the decor. As you wait for your table, you catch the curious glances of other patrons.
"Excuse me, are you waiting for someone?"
"Oh, yes, my boyfriend. He went to grab us some drinks."
Jay returns with drinks and wraps an arm around your waist, prompting surprised murmurs and raised eyebrows from nearby diners.
Then, at a friend's party, you and Jay arrive separately due to conflicting schedules. You, in your vibrant and flowery dress, mingle with the guests, while Jay, in his usual attire and his blazer hangs back near the snack table. Throughout the evening, friends and acquaintances approach you.
"Hey there! I didn't know you were single! You're always out and about on your own."
"Actually, I'm here with Jay. He's around here somewhere."
Also, during a weekend shopping trip, you and Jay browse through stores at opposite ends of the mall. As you peruse the racks of colorful dresses, you overhear nearby shoppers speculating about your relationship status.
"Look at her, all dressed up and shopping alone. Must be single."
"Actually, I'm here with my boyfriend. He's probably browsing in a different section." Jay unexpectedly appears by your side, pulls you into his arms for a quick kiss.
Over the years, they created countless memories together, each moment etched into the fabric of their shared history. You two explored the city's hidden gems, from markets to serene parks, finding beauty in the ordinary and joy in each other's company. Jay, with his practical nature, was always there to ground you when your dreams soared too high, while you, with your boundless optimism, infused Jay's world with color and light.
The love you had for one another was not without its challenges, of course. There were moments of doubt and uncertainty, times when you and he clashed and disagreed. But through it all, you both remained steadfast in their commitment to each other, weathering the storms of life with unwavering strength and resilience.
As the chatter and laughter filled the air at their friend's get-together, Jay found himself engaged in a conversation with Jake, one of his closest friends. They stood by the drinks table, sipping on their beers as they caught up on each other's lives.
"So, how's work been treating you lately?" Jake asked, leaning in with genuine interest.
"It's been alright, you know, the usual grind," Jay replied, his attention momentarily diverted by the sight of you across the room, deep in conversation with another guest.
Jake noticed the shift in Jay's demeanor and followed his gaze. "Hey, everything okay?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine," Jay muttered, his eyes still fixed on Yn and the other man, who seemed to be hitting it off effortlessly.
Jake raised an eyebrow, sensing his friend's unease. "You sure about that? You seem a little distracted."
Jay sighed, torn between wanting to trust Yn and the gnawing feeling of insecurity creeping into his mind. "I don't know, man. It's just… seeing her talking to that guy over there, they seem to have so much in common, you know? They're laughing and joking like old friends."
Jake nodded in understanding, placing a reassuring hand on Jay's shoulder. "I get it, but you gotta remember, Yn chose you for a reason. You two have something special that goes beyond shared interests. Trust in your connection, mate."
Jay nodded slowly, his thoughts swirling as he tried to shake off the nagging doubts clouding his mind. "Yeah, you're right. Thanks, Jake. I needed to hear that."
As the day rolled on, the group migrated to Heeseung's place for some video game fun. Jay settled in next to you, eager to spend more time together after the earlier bout of insecurity. However, his hopes were quickly dashed when you turned to Sunoo, suggesting to team up for Mario Kart.
Confusion and hurt flickered across Jay's face as he struggled to comprehend your unexpected choice. He had been looking forward to bonding with you, but now it seemed like you had other plans.
"You sure you want to team up with Sunoo?" Jay asked, trying to keep his tone light despite the turmoil brewing inside him.
You glanced at Jay, her expression guarded. "Well, you never really cared for video games, Jay. I figured you wouldn't want to play with me anyway," she replied.
Jay's heart sank at your words, the sting of jealousy and insecurity gnawing at him from within. He wanted to protest, to assure you that he did want to play with you, but the words caught in his throat, drowned out by the weight of his emotions.
With a forced smile, Jay simply nodded, his silence betraying the turmoil raging beneath the surface. As you and Sunoo dove into the game together, laughter and joy filling the room, Jay couldn't shake the feeling of being left out, of being replaced by someone who shared your interests more closely.
As the game progressed, Jay's thoughts spiraled, his jealousy and insecurity consuming him from within. He watched you and Sunoo's playful banter, their shared excitement over each victory, and felt a pang of longing for the connection they seemed to share.
But amidst the turmoil, a small voice in Jay's mind reminded him of the strength of his bond with you, of the countless moments they had shared together, each one a testament to their love and commitment to each other.
As the evening drew to a close and it was time to say their goodbyes, Jay watched you flit from friend to friend, your infectious laughter and warm hugs filling the room. He couldn't help but marvel at how effortlessly you connected with others, a social butterfly in her element.
Meanwhile, Jay lingered on the outskirts of the group, his own circle of friends much smaller in comparison. He had always been more reserved, more comfortable in the company of a select few rather than a bustling crowd. And yet, seeing you thrive in the midst of so many people, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of inadequacy creeping into his thoughts.
As you bid farewell to each of her friends, Jay's gaze lingered on your interactions, he noticed your exchange with Sunoo. You two made plans to meet up again tomorrow, a casual invitation that seemed to hang in the air between them.
Soon after, you walk up to him. "Ready to go, baby?" taking a hold of his hands and placing them around her waist, then proceeding to place her hands round his neck pulling him closer. "Yeah, let's head home."
As they made their way home in silence, Jay couldn't shake the feeling of unease that settled over him like a heavy cloak. He longed to voice his concerns, to express the insecurity gnawing at him from within, but the words remained trapped in his throat, unsaid and unresolved.
Deep down, Jay knew that his feelings stemmed not from any fault of your, but from his own struggles with self-doubt and insecurity. He knew that you loved him for who he was, differences and all, and yet, the fear of losing her to someone more like her lingered in the recesses of his mind, a nagging doubt that refused to be silenced.
"Hey, Yn," Jay began, his voice hesitant yet determined, "what are your plans for tomorrow?"
You turned to him "Oh, I'm going go-carting and to this cute arcade cafe with Sunoo," you replied, a smile tugging at the corners of your lips.
"Why not with me?" Jay blurted out before he could stop himself, his words tinged with a hint of desperation.
Your expression softened, a flicker of understanding crossing your features. "Well, you mentioned before that you weren't interested in doing those things," you explained gently, reaching out to squeeze his hand reassuringly.
Jay felt a wave of remorse wash over him at her words, a bitter taste of regret flooding his senses. "I… I know," Jay murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry, Yn. I shouldn't have said that. I… I regret it now."
Yn offered him a sympathetic smile, her eyes soft with understanding. "It's okay, Jay." Jay took a deep breath and mustered up a small smile. "Just… be safe tomorrow, okay? And have fun," he said, his words laced with genuine warmth and sincerity.
You nodded, returning his smile with one of your own. "I will. Thank you, Jay," you replied, voice filled with affection.
As the weeks passed by, Jay couldn't shake the growing unease that settled in the pit of his stomach. He watched from the sidelines as you and Sunoo grew closer, bond seemingly strengthening with each passing day. They laughed together, shared inside jokes, and spent more time together than Jay and you did. And with each passing moment, Jay felt the distance between them widening, a gaping chasm that threatened to swallow him whole.
Unable to bear the weight of his doubts any longer, Jay knew he had to confront you about the growing rift between them. He waited for the perfect moment, a quiet evening at home when the world seemed to stand still around them.
"Yn, can we talk?" Jay asked, his voice trembling with uncertainty as he watched her from across the room.
You glanced up from her book, sensing the gravity of Jay's words. "Of course, Jay. What's on your mind?" you replied, setting the book aside and giving him your full attention.
Taking a deep breath, Jay sat down beside you, his heart heavy with the weight of his words. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and… I don't think this is working anymore," he began, his voice barely above a whisper.
Your eyes widened in shock, a flicker of hurt flashing across your features. "What do you mean?" you asked, voice barely a whisper.
"I mean… I think we should break up," Jay admitted, his words hanging in the air between them like a heavy cloud.
But before he could say anything more, you reached out and placed a gentle hand on his arm, touch a comforting anchor in the storm of his emotions.
"No, Jay," you said firmly "We're not breaking up until you tell me what's really going on."
Jay swallowed hard, the lump in his throat making it difficult to speak. "I just… I feel like you deserve better," he confessed, his voice barely audible.
Your brows furrowed in confusion, your eyes searching his face for answers. "Better? What are you talking about, Jay?"
"You deserve someone who's like you," Jay continued, his words tumbling out in a rush. "Someone who shares your interests, your personality… Someone who can make you happy in a way that I can't."
But before he could say anything more, you cut him off.
"Why can't you be that 'better' man for me, Jay?" you asked, "Why do you think I need someone who's exactly like me? I fell in love with you, not some carbon copy of myself."
Jay blinked in surprise, taken aback by your words. He had never considered that he could be enough for you, just as he was.
As you and Jay sat together, enveloped in the warmth of your embrace, you felt a rush of emotions wash over you. With a deep breath, you took Jay's hands in yours, your gaze locking with his as you poured your heart out.
"Jay, I want you to know that I've always tried my best to support you and your interests," you began, your voice filled with sincerity. "I may not share all of them, but I've put in effort to understand and appreciate the things you love. Remember when I spent hours learning about vintage cars just so I could have meaningful conversations with you? Or the time I surprised you with tickets to that basketball game, even though sports aren't really my thing?"
Jay's eyes softened as he listened to your words, a flicker of realization dawning in his eyes. He had never fully appreciated the lengths you went to in order to connect with him, to bridge the gap between your differences and find common ground.
"And it's not just about the big gestures," you continued, your voice growing more earnest with each word. "It's the little things too, like making your favorite meal even when I'm tired, or watching that action movie marathon with you even though I prefer rom-coms. I've done all of that because I love you, Jay, and because I believe in us."
"I'm sorry, Yn," Jay whispered, his voice choked with emotion. "I've been so blind to everything you've done for me, so focused on my own insecurities that I failed to see the love and effort you've poured into our relationship."
As the tender moment between you and Jay lingered, a playful glint sparked in your eyes, and a mischievous grin spread across your face. "You know, Jay," you teased, your voice filled with playful banter, "I was just thinking about heading to that tower where we placed our love lock. Maybe I'll grab the key, just to keep you on your toes."
Jay's eyes widened in mock horror, a playful gasp escaping his lips. "You wouldn't dare!" he exclaimed, his tone mockingly dramatic.
You laughed, the sound echoing through the room like music to Jay's ears. "Oh, you know me, Jay. I'm full of surprises," you replied, a twinkle of mischief dancing in your eyes.
As the laughter subsided, curiosity sparked in your mind, and you turned to Jay with a quizzical expression. "Speaking of the love lock," you began, "why did you tell me to keep the key instead of throwing it into the water like you're supposed to?"
Jay's gaze softened as he looked at you, a fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Well, Yn," he began, his voice tinged with warmth, "I wanted us to have a reminder of our love, something tangible that we could hold onto, even when times get tough."
You nodded in understanding, touched by Jay's sentiment. "That's sweet, Jay," you replied, your voice soft with emotion. "I'm glad we have that reminder, especially on days like today when we need it the most."
With a gentle sigh, Jay pulled you closer, his arms wrapping around you in a comforting embrace. "Me too, Yn," he murmured, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead. "Me too."
As you continued to bask in the warmth of your embrace with Jay, a playful glint still dancing in your eyes, you couldn't resist teasing him a little more. "You know, Jay," you teased, your voice laced with amusement, "you were actually kind of cute when you were jealous of Sunoo."
Jay's eyes widened in surprise, his cheeks flushing slightly at your words. "Wait, you knew I was jealous?" he asked, his voice tinged with disbelief.
You chuckled softly, reaching up to gently stroke his cheek. "Of course I did, Jay," you replied, your tone affectionate. "You weren't as good at hiding it as you thought you were."
Jay shook his head in disbelief, a sheepish smile spreading across his face. "I guess I need to work on my poker face," he admitted, his voice tinged with self-deprecation.
With a soft giggle, you leaned in to press a tender kiss to Jay's lips, your heart swelling with love for the man beside you. "Don't worry, Jay," you reassured him, your voice filled with warmth. "I love you just the way you are, jealousy and all."
As Jay's arms tightened around you, holding you close as if afraid to let go, you couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude for the love you shared. "And besides," you continued, your voice growing more serious, "why would I ever want to end our two-year relationship over something as silly as jealousy? We've been through so much together, Jay, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."
With a tender smile, Jay pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead, his love for you shining brightly in his eyes. "Neither would I, Yn," he murmured, his voice filled with sincerity. "Neither would I." And as you melted into his embrace, the doubts and insecurities that had once plagued you melting away, you knew that as long as you had each other, you could weather any storm that came your way. For in each other's arms, you had found your home, your sanctuary, your forever.
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