#but its not getting any better for me if i dont but then the fear of fucking up is so immense
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one thing I really really appreciate abt riz gukgak as a character is that he is un-self-aware to the max. he inhabits his body so completely. the arc that would usually be run as "I'm different and unable to connect with my friends in this way that everyone seems to be able to do and so something's wrong with me and I don't like myself" when it comes to riz is actually like no! I have literally no problems or praises for myself personally. I don't stand outside of my own self and judge it. it's phrased as "other people will eventually find someone more important to them than you" rather than centering it on his self-perception. he doesn't know why he doesn't have the best social life on earth even though he's not afraid at all to talk to other people. every time he sees himself in someone else's actions or behaviour he gets startled by it. his latest epilogue is realizing seemingly for the first time that he's not just an agent of causes but an actual character. he's my hero and I want to be him when I grow up
#not art#fantasy high#this trait with him is kinda why I don't really ascribe any prominent trans narrative to him. even though hes very gender#I think I said once like bc he didn't just walk into the girls bathroom I don't think he finds himself on that axis in general#bc if he's any less attached to his gender he would 100% have done it lmao#and the great thing is the more he gets comfortable with his friends the less self aware he becomes#saying shit like ''chop his head off so he doesn't revive'' fully uncaring for the optics. I love him#its honestly great esp. with the Living While Goblin stuff going on too. no inner conflict with that dude#he's fully great! he's awesome he's all gucci. the world is just fucked and that's why shit sucks for him#(this makes me doing something model-minority-adjacent for bard!riz a bit harrowing shdjsh I dont wanna lose this)#(he's dictated by fear but it doesn't mean he reflects those fears back onto himself as a person lol. at least kid got better)
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i need to wynnepost. somebody has to
#its crazy how people will assume she is all the tropes she subverts and then ignore her#also how sympathy for circle mages’ indoctrination only lasts until they get old i guess and then fuck them#because its not as if they were ever a terrified child who’d never had anything better than a single templar’s mildest kindness and any kind#of home even if it was the tower#so an orphan kid who had no memory of anything but scurrying between farmsteads and hiding in barns#didnt want to leave. what a shock. you guys dont get the place comfort has in keeping circle mages complicit#so it’s violent and terrible and you never have privacy and your children get murdered and you’re always watched and hated#its also a warm bed and community and a chance to succeed#do you honestly think every kid from fucking THEDAS knows theres anything better out there#that doesnt make the circle good. it makes it horrific that they prey on vulnerable kids to teach them the world hates them#and only the circle is ‘safe’#i just think there should be some sympathy for those kids and what they grow up into#its easy for the player to walk in and say their character would hate the circle and never have listened to the templars#its easy for say an amell or even a surana with a family back home to not fear what they left behind#wynne genuinely thinks without the circle mages would all be murdered and she’ll fight and die protecting her fellow mages#from the right of annulment#yes its a flaw that she goes on to teach others the circle must be tolerated and that is precisely how the circle is perpetuated ove#over generations#but its amazing to me to just act like its her fault#well. this is more tags than i expected it to be
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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pocket-square sized
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 3#yakuza series#yakuza#yoshitaka mine#snap sketches#HIIIIIIIII my wrist still hurts#i WAS just gon watch nakai movies while i rested but i fear ive watched all the available ones with eng subs.. //screams//#my bro picked me up onea them neat wrist support gloves tho so the pain is significantly gone and i can move my fingers better now#ill still let it rest for another couple days but recovery times lookin optimistic :]#as for this doodle.... i tolds you i MUST draw despite the injury... its my duty...#also i finished a comm today and since i had some practice drawing one handed working on that i figured id try drawin somethin small#and since it been a while since drawn mine... teehee..#def wont be doin any comics any time soon or even more detailed stuff but this is cute nuff for now#lol this is the timeline if i worked on my rgg stickers long enough to get to y3#since ive drawn mine tho ive been reminded.. i wont be able to go to animenyc this november :( too expensive for me this year#mabes ill go to animenext in like june or wait until next year to go to animenyc but </3 public dont get to see me mine cosplay </3#mabes when my wrist gets better ill wear it for fun but anyway typing like this still sucks so byee !!!!!!!
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🧸♡ ⋆｡˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person
#searching through the X6-88 tag on tumblr has not brought me joy#also. 1 thing about is that i hate hate hate the (i think) canon blue eyes he has. like. for fucking what#1st i saw them on tumblr and thought 'well thats stupid. whyd you give him blue eyes? so hed look special? thats weird. at least its uncanon#also. on god. i saw some post headcanoning the companions' appearances and it was p cool UNTIL they got to x6#and they gave him grey 'almost white' eyes for literally no reason. like if you want to go with the scary factor theres so many ways for it#but no. some people think that blue/grey eyes are sooo special. and for what#<- i have brown eyes but im not just being salty. it really sucks. i dont wanna be the one to call fandom racism but it does smell like it!#also like. i didnt want to go on a stupid tirade about racism in the tags again but the way fandom treats x6 AND preston is just upsetting#other people have made some very good points about it and im not going to repeat them here (also noones gonna read this)#but like... theres 3 'main' black characters that i remember: preston garvey (whom the stron majority of the fandom hates/disliked)#x6-88 (basically the players slave? also hated for being mean and unfeeling (which is justified imo). no quest no freedom no nothing)#and gloria (who i havent met in game but ive heard some actual criticisms of (like. the way shes treated ingame) and noone else talks about)#if theres any other Named and Important characters. sorry but i literally do not remember them#coming back to x6 being justified in being unemotional/mean. he was literally raised this way. he doesnt consider himself to be a person#being he was made that way. he is a Thing and hes meant for one job and hes made to inspire fear#and hes not supposed to have emotions so he just. doesnt. if he does he cant express them anyways#1 if fallout4 was a better written game (or 2 if x6 was white) i think thered be SO much fanfiction about him. the possibilities are endless#i have something brewing in the back of my head. i might start writing even though i suck and its going to be bad#ANYWAYS. general fandom thought on x6 are WRONG and im being a HATER. fuck everyone who doesn't like x6. if you dont like x6 get off tumblr#especially if you like gage but not x6. leave fr#i just woke up wtf am i doingggg
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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I honestly don't think I was capable of fully understanding how dangerous restricting was until after I had been in recovery for like 8 months already. And I sadly really mean that. I worry about you guys :((
#i dont mean this in a condescending way i mean this in a i literally had brain damage from my ed way#if you dont care if you die or not thats one thing. but believe me when i tell you this:#your ed will not kill you fast. it will take 10+ years of physical and psychological torture. and yes i mean torture thats not exaggeratio#and if you decide in ten years that its not worth and you want to recover thats awesome of course#but theres a high likelihood of irreversible damage at that point#it doesnt take a lot to make your body sick#not nearly as much as i think you guys think#the things you're sacrificing are not under your control. you didnt choose to be sick and you do deserve to be helped#we all make it out one way or another#i just hope you guys make it out sooner than i did#because no one deserves that and i mean it. not even me#the things your ed can do to you arent even talked about. not in media not even in a lot of anorexia forums#not even by the doctors that treat them#after a few years of restricting even if you havent lost weight your body is damaged#your brain is damaged. a lot of the damage is reversible but some of it inevitably wont be#idk i know fear mongering isnt going to help any of you#i just get really mad that there arent better resources and treatments for us out there#i may be just one person but i mean this with all of my heart#i hope you find better days and health and carefree mornings and nights without the shroud of obsessive thoughts#and warmth and love and the mental clarity and strength to keep fighting#you all mean so much to me#and this blog will always be a safe space for people struggling with eds wether they want to recover or not#please take care of yourselves
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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people acting like there isn't still very much an active stigma against cannibas and cannibas users is going to be my joker origin story
when i go to the doctor they still put cannibas use under the tab "substance abuse". not even just substance use. it is fully assumed that people who use cannabis, even as a prescription medication, are abusing it. just because you're friends with a couple of dumbass stoners doesn't mean that we've abandoned the idea as a culture that weed is a bad and scary and dangerous and highly addictive drug that will ruin your life if you use it once
#idk what its like in other countries but in the us and especially in red states fear mongering about weed is alive and well#'it ruins lives' -direct quote from a library board member making it so we can be fired for testing positive even w a prescription#i just take umbrage with posts about addiction that go out of their way to mention weed which we all learned in 6th grade is addictive#but dont also mention that this true of all prescription drugs and that a person can be dependant on a drug for health reasons???#yeah i get anxious and cant go a day without weed. because i use it to treat my anxiety and pain. i also get anxious without my wellbutrin#but people arent lining up to make posts about it?? and like you CAN obviously become addicted to prescription drugs its super common!#so i kind of feel like it would be far more useful to say 'this is true of ALL drugs. including weed caffeine and prescriptions'#you should always research ANY drug you take. prescription or not. find out about addictiveness + side effects + other drug interactions#and you should talk to someone if you feel anxious about your relationship to drugs. prescription or not#there have been many times where i was prescribed way too many drugs at once and it made me feel anxious and uncomfortable#so i talked to my doctors and consolidated several and it actually made them work a lot better#locked reblogs because i KNOW people are going to read this is 'so you should never ever talk about negative consequences of weed'#and im pretty sure the people who follow me will be able to understand thats obviously not what im saying#but as soon as it leaves my blog whos to say. but anyway like. I think we should talk more about addiction to all substances#and not just the ones that were already covered in DARE#I feel like at this point everybody has heard all of the negative possibilities with weed use at least once#and that's not necessarily true of caffeine and even like. benadryl lmfao#I might delete this in 10 minutes if I psych myself out akbdjznsjf
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playing pathologic 2 as a disconnected ndn hitting harder than local man expected, more at 8
#spoilers#ive played pathologic classic a few times now and i'm finally finishing up 2#its good i just found myself walking to the termitary with dread in my stomach#like i knew#ive played the first game i know theyre all dead#but there was a part of me that had dared to have any amount of hope for the past 9 days in the game#you know against all better judgement#the day prior going to sabhas and talking to the man with questions about his language#how the only words he knew for certain things were russian ones#his own language had lagged behind the changing vocabulary#and in true artemy fashion you have that kind of exasperated answer choice of just#so make up more then#you dont need someone else to tell you what to do#just do it#i dont know it just all started hitting#talking to oyun and watching artemys dialogue options where a day prior he was coming into himself more and the choices for talking with#the kin were getting more and more organic#like he actually knew what to say#or felt comfortable saying what he wanted to his family right? and even thinking of them as family#all of that disappearing and going immediately to fear#i dont know man its just a lot. and its all hitting especially hard right at the end here#theres more i could say and more i probably will say but good god following this narrative on artemy's back is hurting my soul.
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General oc talkkkk
I feel like i have to Do something with al once i take him off the shelf again (when my brain lets go of talon for another few months), ive been motivated to draw talon because he sits in my brain and i imagine interactions but it's much harder with al since al has been around for 10 years or more...and Al has like. Less conflict? In the sense of him just being a nice kind guy with regular human issues in a normal human world (or cow with regular individual issues in a normal furry world lol) ykwim?
Like. Talon is exaggerated he's a caricature of feelings to play with he's got lots of internal contradictions... and outside of that the whole Setting is easy to play with too, like, he's a vampire and those elements are more fun to think about and incorporate and build up in a way that requires a bit more brainpower of the fun variety (can make shit up) than Just a Regular Guy (has to be nore realistic, less fun to research), but less brainpower than, say, my abandoned Space Ocs where it was way harder for me to just make shit up, and way more to make shit up about (not as fun for me)
Idk! Its easy to imagine Talon in interactions, including ones with Al, or just self exploring dialogue....
Other than cute interactions between al and smunker its a lot harder to find stuff with him...he's a guy living in our regular world... his life has been fairly normal and he's good and nice. And i wouldnt change any of those things just to change em but there's less conflict other than the usual internal stuff all humans experience. I think if he wasnt my imaginary bf I would have shelved him more permanently like the oc group he came with...
There's something about how i very rarely make ocs, he's technically my oldest oc and talon is my newest oc, talon is what i Feel making ocs should feel like. And he's only over a year old. And he's still not even what I would call a well written character in any capacity. And yet i dont think i could very easily replicate this again ykwim. Im so bad at writing, and ..... creating....! Idk how people do any of it....i just wanna extend my ocs lives and my interest in them forever...
#talkys#long post#thinking also about how my friend said maybe id fare better if i didnt wait for my ocs to sort of fester in my brain to write them#bc thats how i do it...ive only been getting talon ideas because i talk to him all day in different scenarios i havent been able to exhaust#bc he's brand new#al's like. set in stone theres not much to draw because i just replay scenarios now. stagnated#i fear talon will get to a point like that too#like my brain will Fix Him and Therapize him and it wont be able to go back to the conflict he had Before that#so i wont play with him anymore...ykwim?#but i dont KNOW how to just make a character without having them show themself around in my brain#i barely even know how to make one in the way i do it now#bc i dont make ocs...bc i dont understand how to do Good Concept‚ Conflict‚ AND flesh em out#cause i got concepts for my space ocs. not complete ones but they have blurbs#ive never been able to get them to interact with me or each other in my brain though so idk anything about them#nor have i cared enough to draw them more#nor would i be able to think of scenarios#ykwim...?#its weird#ugh. maybe i am meant to just be a commission artist‚ im no good at any other niche#i got the worst Roll....#wish i had a brain...okay well im going to sleep neow goodnite
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I know I should just block (and not OPEN) tags and posts ab '24 but my brain is stupid and likes to be informed even if it makes me worse
#marquilla#im not even joking when i say this next election makes me wanna kms so bad. im fucking terrified and i feel like we already know what's#gonna happen. not bc people arent voting or organizing i mean bc of how far the right has gotten and how angry they are that a#dem won so theyre gonna show up in droves and it's like god i wish we could idk have some safegaurds in place??? like oh idk you#incite an insurrection you Can't run for president?? but also that wouldnt fully stop shit bc florida has its own neo nazi running and#theres more behind him in the wings. but like idk man i just get so fucking suicidal thinking ab the future#and my drs. are like well then dont look at the news??? 'i sure dont' mkay thats great (not) but um i CAN'T not watch bc i need to#be informed i need to know. and they're like well then stop worrying ab it til election day?? LIKE THAT HELPS#so i just dont bring it up. and i just spiral and have breakdowns in the shower and think ab making a will and shit yknow normal stuff#bc this is fine! just dont engage! stop worrying it's like a year away! it MIGHT get better! idk Join in your community then??#like yes yes thats a start but with what fucking energy when im bedbound most of the time im not working and that doesnt stop these fascist#s like me helping the community garden would be good for the community and probably my mental health in general BUT that doesnt deal with#the actual fear that makes me wanna Kermit#like it really fucking feels like all i can do is pray and hope god somehow intervenes (rapture anyone?) and that things do go well and#that the outright outspoken nzis don't win but like I really just wanna die man#i know the outcome more than likely will not directly affect my life bc im white. cis passing. and can go back in the closet regretfully#but like that doesnt reassure me any bc i have friends and loved ones and generally just give a shit ab other people and how this WILL#affect them directly and that terrifies me. it really feels like we cant ever have a moment to just exist yknow??#idk man i just wanna die bc im so scared haha how fun (: how normal (: this is fine. everything is fine.
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I fucking hate linguistics so so much I just wanna implode in on myself right now ghhhhhh I don't know how I'm meant to write like 1900 more words of absolute nothing but I guess I'll have all night to figure it out :'L
#forrest speaks#uni talk#thus begins the all nighter and god help me because i havent done an all nighter like this in over half a year#i will stay awake from fear of failing and my spite towards this cursed form of english xD#i wish i wasnt mentally ill and that i did my work on time man this year has fuckin sucked for my mental health#granted im doing way better than before and dont wish to leave this mortal plane anymore which is amazing#but i just wish i had felt good like this all year and that the stuff that set the bad headspace stuff off never happened#mmm its just a very bittersweet feeling i guess..idk#anyways..im gonna try and write some more now and see if i can get any closer to the minimum word count x3#i WILL spite through this and if i fail it then i know ive tried my best and im at peace with that
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its funny when ppl have expectations for you and you just feel lost and like ur not really supposed to be here but u have no clue where you should be either
#just. starting and failing over and over again to get somewhere#be something#what makes it worse is that my parents are patient abt it but also thinking im like#it is patience or is it an unwillingness to help#cant remember how many times ive tried asking for help in my life from them to get no response#just figure it out onmy own and if i cant i have to take the flack for that too#im just sick of sitting around feeling useless but idk how to really start. not being useless if that makes sense#like i know in theory#but then. trying to do it feels wrong. like i shouldnt do it this way#like im missing smthn#like im constsntly behind and not in the know#but its not getting any better for me if i dont but then the fear of fucking up is so immense#i just#augh
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i dont have an actual name for it but depressed college au is probably one of my favorites. i dont really care for the adults in paranatural and thinking about how the activity club/others might grow up and continue their lives is so much more interesting to me
#i started reading this comic when i was 15? i think? and now im recently 23. i cant really say i relate or want to relate to 12 year olds an#y more. and yeah i prefer a lot more nuance and complexity when crafting+ reading stories#but when your protags are 12. well. yeah pass#pnats adults are fine but the kids are the ones i have any actual emotional interest or compulsion towards#so when i write something that might be less 'yippee whimsical wacky adventures' and the options are spender and zarei. again theyre fine bu#t i dont really care enough about spender and zarei#but i still want to write about adults you know. BEING 12 was hard enough you could not PAY me to go back into that headspace#honestly thats actually why most of wizard au takes place in their later school years#like you know those aged up mob psycho 100 aus. where mob is like a fireman and ritsu is an english major and theyre not exactly having epic#adventures anymore but theyre coming into themselves etc. god. thats the stuff 2 me#i used to hate aged up aus as a teenager bc i thought it was the author/artists excuse to put kids in weird situations. and idk considering#it was 2015. yeah fair. but i do think i get it now. teenage years are hard and theres a certain part of that hardness that i love. things#like growing up [from a 17yo perspective] and people you love going to college and trying to find yourself and dealing w friends and fear#for the future. THOSE are the kind of teen stories i like reading about. but when you start getting tired and mellowing out and things that#come with the end of college and grad school and growing up [from a 22yos perspective] is similar. but its more somber. youre older now#when the protagonists become people. thats what i like#wizard au is fun as a huge intense magical adventure project but depressed college au is just like. where i can project.#drinking an entire pack of mikes hard lemonade by myself and lying on the floor talking to friends about how im scared and pushing myself#towards a career that i love but dont know i can achieve. friends leaving. getting an apartment for the first time. and the second and#the third. that feels better when i can sit down and go 'okay. someday isabel will do this too. i might not understand. my friends might not#understand. nobody could understand and i could be alone. but max woke up with a hangover today and i know what that feels like' etc#idk just feels better. taking your favorite characters with you while you go through things. by which i mean#'taking my favorite characters and making them go through things'#you want them to be safe and happy and having fun. i want them to feel fear. we both know what we want from fiction and treasure each#depressed college au#dcau
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