#but it's like you cannot do this very necessary life skill but still think people who can are less than you?? shut up?????

[hechiima]

One of the things that annoys me about chatGPT Justifiers is how little they value writing as a skill despite being unable to do it. If you are unable to write an essay or story and need chatGPT, then you are not a competent writer. You become a competent writer by writing. But instead of putting the hard work in and learning how to write, y'all use this AI tool as a shortcut.

There seems to be this general belief that writing and art are innate abilities. Neither are. My job involves a lot of technical writing, which is something I know I'm good at because I worked to get good at it. Part of that work involved writing a lot (and some very harsh criticism). It's a large reason I stopped writing creatively for over a decade; I was writing all the time for school or work and I no longer had the energy to write for fun. I've taken up creative writing more recently and while I love doing it, I realize that I need a lot of work. And this makes sense! I neglected this skill for years, ofc I'm further behind than my peers. Just like any other skill, there is no shortcut to developing as a writer. You just have to put in the work and by relying on chatGPT you're not.

Writing a lot will not necessarily make you good but it is impossible to be a good writer without writing a lot. If you're not willing to put the work in at least please stop devaluing writers.

[galene-gothic]

𝖧𝗈𝗐 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝖻𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿?

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻��♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Let's look at what your best self looks like first, your best self is selectively honest. They don't tell others what they want next. They evaluate themself and are self critical to a certain extent. They are sort of self absorbed. They understand that ignorance is bliss and know how to ignore things or people when need be. They are especially really good at ignoring people that they can't have or people from the past. They are still quite fearless though. They understand that it's better to be attacked than ignored. They meditate often and know how to relax. They need and prioritise peace, and their actions align with that. They never bite more than they can chew, they know how to step away from situations that they cannot handle. They try to stay away from conflict and choose themself first no matter what. They know how to become the bigger person. They take care of themself, self reflect and know how to heal properly. They know how to not make rash decisions. They're wise and detached. They've surrendered, they know that if they cannot control it, there's no use worrying and if they can control it, it's better to do so rather than worry. They've released old beliefs and patterns. They have a faith that things will work out, be it faith in themself, faith in god, faith in life or faith in the universe. They're mindful, intentional and know how to let go. They know how to grow, they're also successful. They believe that the pain of discipline is better than the pain of regret. They're quite passive and know how to let life happen for them, they're still someone who takes necessary action though. So, how do you become them? You need a rest, not gonna lie.

Some of you might be drained out to the point where you cannot focus in school or on work. You need to address your self esteem issues. Supposing, you are really self conscious when it comes to performing, you always feel like your body won't look good if you put too much energy so you end up putting less energy in but when you do so, you feel disappointed at yourself for not doing well. In that case, you should try to improve your dance skills. You're someone who has an understanding that being pretty doesn't do enough for you, it's the same with being rich, and the way you are as a person and the way you present yourself are all very important to you. I think it's important for you to build certain skills to a point where you can be really proud, it'll significantly boost your self esteem which will in turn help you for the better. It requires consistency though, don't be lazy !! You need to release negative thoughts, feelings, habits and patterns. You might have gotten really comfortable with your pain, it's important to heal. Your deepest traumas are either already surfacing/resurfacing or will soon, that's when it'll be the easiest to change. You need to stop stressing like just know that "what happens, happens." You need to face life and have a total break down first. You should withdraw from stuff. You'll go through something very humbling, you'll be left feeling really put down. You'll not even have it in yourself to look strong anymore, you'll be exposing weakness because you'll just not have the strength to conceal it. You'll have to accept defeat first and things will get better soon. You'll have to have a lot of anger, pain, shame, guilt and regrets in order to completely change your life, all the best, it'll probably come in soon.

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

Let's look at what your best self looks like, your best self has unlimited potential and sees it. Your best self has freedom in some sense, be it financial or something else. Your best self is someone who had to let go of who they were in order to become who they're meant to be. Your best self has a carefree attitude. I just heard 'be yourself'. When I say this, some of you might think that you're doing it already but if you think about it properly you'll notice that you tend to either act childlike even though you're very mature, dumb even though you're very smart, don't express your values as articulately as you think about them, etc. Some of you could be really good at written expression of your thoughts, ideas and feelings but when it comes to talking, you're not the best. Your best self is not scared of being unique. Your best self takes risks because they understand that most of the times not taking a risk is the biggest risk. Your best self has a thirst for life and is passionate. You might be really passionate as a person (most of you seem to have that side of you diminished though). Your best self has fun regardless of what others say. One quality that you already have is your ability to analyse yourself, you are not the type to avoid accountability and blaming external factors for every little thing. You have some sort of an inner guidance, your mindset gives you the capacity to be completely alone if necessary. I feel like a deep part of you desires or used to desire solitude, peace and spiritual enlightenment. Most of you have started your spiritual journey already, some of you haven't though. It doesn't have to be something too deep like 'light candles every full moon, meditate every morning, light sage and incenses often' but instead that you feel like everything that happened was for a reason or even if it feels like it wasn't.

You learn and make something out of it, you know how to live life and try to grow as a person, and have faith (be it in the universe or in yourself). You might be quite philosophical too. You have a lot of wisdom, people who are slightly older than you and see you for who you are might say things like "you're so mature for your age". Ofcourse, there are some things that you'll have to get rid of in order to become your best self, I feel like most of you have mostly/only had short term unstable relationship/s which have caused you to have a lot of baggage. You could have poor health (I heard a poor immune system, bad sleep schedule and poor gut health). You might also be financially dependent on someone else or just not be financially stable, it's causing you to not be able to gain certain skills or knowledge, etc. Even if you do not notice it, you have a tendency of getting stuck in your head often. You lack spontaneity and need mental stimulation/challenges/someone who seems to be equally as intelligent as you so you could have been stuck in toxic friendships/relationships with people who think that and act like they know everything. You're a very fair person, so being with people who don't share the same values or reasoning as you will be frustrating, I'd advise you to not interact with such people to the point of forming am emotional attachment. You'll have to find a source of motivation or something that just reignites the passion in you. Stop being lazy, simply just planning isn't going to get you anywhere. You need to find a new purpose basically. Focus on a purpose, money, drive and having fun. It's important to learn how to be true to yourself and not get easily influenced. You should go out and have some fun too. All the best, I'm rooting for you but you need to be rooting for yourself ten times harder.

⸼ ۫ ︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Your best self holds pure intentions towards others and has a good nature. Your best self is also very attractive and follows their heart. They're driven and have a great imagination. They romanticise life and are in love with love. They listen to their intuition and take action towards their goals with a hope in their heart. They have a creative hobby that they might have suppressed that they choose to enhance. They're charming and friendly with people. One thing that I'm getting is that they're someone who everyone has a crush on to a certain extent. They receive a lot of jealousy and envy from others. They don't let anger get the best of them. They think calmly and orderly. They accept different beliefs and paths. They could be someone who's tired though, like really tired physically (they could do a lot). They're accepting of other people's differences. They find solutions to issues instead of going around blaming others. They prioritise peace and don't lose sight of the path. You need to face yourself instead of quick fixing issues that lead to long term detriment. If you're having fights, etc. the moment you forgive them (whether it is at their face or by yourself, without letting them know, that's up to you) and resolve conflicts (including your inner conflicts), you'll start developing into your best self. You have convinced yourself that you have certain beliefs that don't align with you and you need to get rid of them. You're not seeing the brighter side of life and that's hindering you from becoming your best self too.

I feel like what's led to this mild-extreme pessimism is your over optimism in the past. A happy and exciting event seems to have turned wrong. It's going to take you a lot of work to become your best self. You'll have to take up a lot of responsibilities and be really loaded with things to do if you want to become your best self. You'll have to be serious about life and will be stressed quite often. I just heard 'too busy to even eat'. There are excessive requirements and conditions for you to become the best version of yourself. You'll have to put yourself through intense pressure. You'll have to take up a lot of responsibilities too though, try to improve your own character alongside working on building something for yourself. It'll be really easy to burn out though because of how much you'll be doing. You need to mean how to not commit easily to others. You need to challenge others instead of just letting them into your life. Your best self follows their heart but is not easy to get. You need to become hard to get and easy to lose. You need to learn how to make quick decisions and take quick actions. It's important for you to be on a dedicated mission to succeed. Discipline yourself and build confidence. Build so much confidence that when someone you love does you wrong, you know that you can just let go, and find better people and treatment. Become self assured. It's important for you to just go for the things that you want. If you try, you'll get there little by little, all the best.

[paper-mario-wiki]

hi, i'm not the person who asked you about the life update, but could you elaborate on how being a creator means to live in a world of ideas instead of the real world? i'm just really curious about your reasons for quitting, specially because i want to create things in the future (not necessarily streaming, but anyways), hope you have a good day!

i'll be talking mostly about streaming for the sake of this answer, but this is similarly applicable across a wide range of platforms:

the job of the streamer is, effectively, to be the life of the party every single day. your goal is to be the person that has something interesting to talk about, and is quick with a joke, and has nuanced understandings of certain things, without actually obtaining any sort of "expertise" in anything lest you alienate viewers. short of having a stated goal for a stream, the only goal of the streamer is to let people relax with a voice they enjoy, saying things they like hearing. you can become very strong in different aspects of streaming, like in the production, or as someone who focuses more on a skill they've honed like art or speedrunning, but the demographic of streamers which pulls, by far, the most significant viewership, is personality based streamers.

this becomes more complicated when, for example, you are very interactive with chat, or you stream with multiple people at once. now, to maintain this charismatic sway you have (the one that got you the job in the first place), you must be able to adapt to and bounce off of other people, as you are now no longer performing alone. naturally, there's a need to not only manage your own flow of consciousness, but also to be at least partially in sync with someone else's.

beyond these complications, you must also consider drawing in new viewership. when i was a streamer, i was quite successful, relatively speaking. pulling 300 viewers consistently is something a very slim amount of streamers can actually do, and even then i was still making under 50k a year, which is not bad, but also not good. in paying for my apartment, my insurance, my travel fare, and all the other stuff that living independently draws money out of you with, i was more often in the red than i was in the green. hence, the need to draw in new viewers, which cannot be done without something eye-catching.

think about this: there are, at any given time, TENS OF THOUSANDS of streamers live in your native language on twitch, and they are all FREE TO WATCH. the attention market is sparse because the streamer market is oversaturated. and considering all of THEM want new viewers too, everyone is constantly refining and improving their craft, which requires everyone to move creatively in tandem with each other lest they get left behind.

if you are a streamer making ass-dollars and ass-cents, it becomes easy to begin resenting people like jerma, solely because everything he touches seems to turn to gold. i personally found it easy to feel very disappointed in myself when peoples projects that seemed so simple would take off. it was a constant "why didn't i think of that!" situation, at least for me. and when you don't have the energy to keep that up, or the social stamina necessary to figure that all out while also being upbeat and happy in front of people near daily, it can become very draining.

what i mean specifically when i say the "world of ideas", is like. there would be times where i could schedule out my failures weeks in advance. i'd be so in my own head about the process, i could see the exact path i could see myself taking that would lead me directly to ruin. how playing games i actually enjoyed would steadily drop viewership, or how focusing on my studies would make people forget about me. and of course this is augmented by my anxiety, i know this is absolutely not the case for every streamer, but that overwhelming feeling of needing to find a new game to play, or a new gimmick to use, or a new ploy to get money that doesn't make you feel guilty even though your source of income is mostly queer and mostly poor young adults and your rent is coming up and you're $200 short but you also just had a fundraiser last month about a DIFFERENT emergency but you cant make it a bummer or else people wont want to tune in so you have to make it something fun like "you laugh you lose!" or "$1 art request streams!" while feeling nothing but anxiety while youre trying to sound like youre enjoying yourself even when youre asking 250 people to donate every 30 minutes or so and nobody seems to want to and chat is moving slowly and. and and.

well, it starts to eat away at you.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

poke hornet nest

my stance on ABA

(my stance on ABA)

as someone with (some) lived experience

most of it is shit.

for long time in past and even now, ABA only service available for a lot autistic people & family.

most of it (< ABA*) still is shit. (*this disclaimer applies to rest of repetition)

heard of more than enough cases of. insurance/school system/etc give pathetic number of hours/sessions for speech, OT, etc for autism but many more hours of ABA. or only cover ABA.

most of it still shit.

some speech & OT & other so called “alternatives to ABA” use behavioral & ABA tactics.

most of it still shit.

for many family, especially those with autistic person diagnosed as “severe” or level 3 and or have extreme behavioral issues etc. their option isn’t “ABA or no ABA.” often, option is “ABA or be labeled as abusive neglectful by government” or “ABA or have child taken away” “you ‘willingly’ enroll in ABA or we take and put them in ABA anyway” or “ABA or lose job.”

most of it still shit.

“ABA or lose job” because school not able or not willing help (because autistic person’s needs “that much”), you keep getting called to pick them up from school, from day care. other people not know how “deal with” your autistic family member, you know how help them a little more but also you sure as hell don’t and are just as lost. so you keep miss work to go pick them up from places that kick them out and you exhausted and you not get sleep because autistic family member needs pretty constant supervision and you not have respite and you not know how help and eventually your job fires you because you keep miss work. and oh did ever mention caring for disabled person extremely expensive? but oh btw there ABA agency you can send autistic family member to for up to 40 hour/week so maybe you can keep job and thus keep roof over head and can still put food on table for family for your autistic family member. oh they also say they may able help with autistic family member behavior so maybe they don’t get kicked out of every necessary service.

most of it still shit.

ABA agencies frequently kick out people deemed too severe or “cannot be helped” or too violent or too many behavioral issues or cause too much harm.

most of it still shit.

in world where may & very often do kill you for seeing you as different thus “threat,” ability mask life saving survival tactic. am talking about POC. am specifically especially talking about Black people. is teaching how mask greater evil than dead killed hatecrimed? sure, no one should have to choose between these two options, but world not care about your morals n your “should”s n your envisioned better future you may or may not be actively help build right now, these people need survive in real world here and now.

most of it still shit.

there (some. a few.) ABA survivors who went thru ABA in past and now who think ABA helped. helped them gain skill. help them prevent harm. some of them don’t see self as abused in ABA or traumatized by ABA. some see it as both abused and helped and grateful for help and hate abuse. some see as both abused and helped and don’t see amount of helped as ever worth abuse.

most of it still shit. (so many were & are abused. n abuse is abuse)

many newer ABA agencies realize ABA heavily criticized n labeled abusive & say they change methods & no longer practice old school ABA & now no longer abusive.

most of it still shit. (many of these agencies still do coercive abusive stuff even if call themselves changed)

some of them maybe truly changed. getting rid of abusive practices, focusing on skill building & adaptive functioning, child-led, instead of drills and forced masking.

most of it still shit.

talk a lot with people who so adamant about “all ABA abuse” “all parents who put child into ABA abused deserve get child taken away” who never was in personal proximity of ABA who. when ask to describe what ABA is in own words, not able to. or give generic response like “abuse & force mask”, but when ask to describe specific methods they do that, not able to. when ask them what discrete trial training and prompting is and what goals may look like and how they write behavioral analysis, never heard of any of them. say listen to ABA survivors, but not able name any individual names. just “oh listen to them online, if you actually listen like me you would know & i wouldn’t need say more so it really your ignorance.” but more often, just get reactionary shut down whole conversation be seen as ableist threat if even be asked first question. how you help advocate for ABA survivors if don’t even know what ABA is? or who ABA survivors? if cannot even talk about ABA? how even fight against your enemy if don’t even know what enemy look like, not able pick out enemy from crowd unless spoon fed?

most of it still shit.

found that. when am talking about ABA. from add nuance to encourage thought provoking questions to even rhetorically ask people to describe ABA. have to repeat emphasize that am not saying ABA all not abusive. even if it first thing i lead with. even if it super clear that am indeed criticizing ABA, just with more grey area and nuances than people used to. lot people will block me from this post just within some paragraphs. lot will block me over saying “most of it still shit” instead of denounce all ABA, when it clear that use of word “most” is deliberate choice n reason of said choice is in every corner of this post. others will finish reading (if even that) and all get out of is repeating “most of it still shit.” made similar posts year(s) ago. and still, find people vague post or explicitly post about me or my post, paint me as evil ABA apologist. whenever come across people who talk about “post where talk about ABA good,” stop and wonder, are they talking about me?

don’t want to talk about ABA because of this. tired, not worth it, often is bad starting point is turn off for people who never seen my posts when have other posts much easier entry point, n start off at bad start may cause them to not listen to me and maybe even other higher support needs and or nonverbal nonspeaking autistics in foreseeable future or ever.

you know, this post started off as “… so you all know i don’t think kindly of ABA right”

throughout write this post, don’t know which part am emphasizing more. the “most of it still shit” part or parts in between.

still. most of it still shit.

[windvexer]

Hiya Chicken! I was wondering if you could expand upon what you meant in your most recent post (some people DO need physical items)? I think I understand what you're saying (some people are incapable of directing energy for spellwork on their own and need the assistance of tools, and that's okay?) but I'm not sure it's entirely clicking in my brain. Is it somewhat akin to "some people cannot effectively direct their energy without additional forces like correspondences to nail it down"? The idea is something I can get behind, I just want to make sure I'm not missing out on other nuance and completely misinterpreting. It isn't something I've really thought about before, so I want to make sure I'm like. Understanding fully and completely. Thank you for your time :)

Hi!!

We are in reference to this post.

Hey! I like where you’re coming from, but I think there can be more to it. You're really kind for inviting me to talk about my thoughts 😅

Uh... I'd also like to say that this has been on my mind for a really long time, so I don't think the following is comprehensive, but it's a good start.

I also want to reiterate that when most people say "you don't need stuff to practice witchcraft" they probably mean it in an encouraging and anti-consumerist way, which I don't disagree with; I just think it's more nuanced than that.

Accessibility: A part of witchcraft is integrating it into your life so that it’s possible to practice. If you’re a very ‘out of sight, out of mind’ individual, then it may literally be necessary to have physical tools, altars, and reminders around you, or else you’ll wake up 5 months later remembering you wanted to be practicing this entire time.

Also accessibility: You say that some people might need tools to help move energy, which is a factor (more on that later!) but it’s also a thing that some people can’t just sit down in an empty room and focus on visualization + willpower. Not all people can sit still and use meditative focus to direct their thoughts for an extended period of time without any external stimulation. That doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be good at energy work; it just means they can’t engage with that style of practice.

Still accessibility: This is more on the “it’s okay to buy mass produced” side of things, but an interest in witchcraft doesn’t automatically equal talent or interest in handcrafting skills. Making custom boutique tools takes time, money, energy, workshop space, and physical ability that not everyone has. It’s unfair to imply that even if you can buy a ready substitute online for $30, a beginner is a poser if they don’t take four months of free time to hone a personal hobby and make the tool themselves.

Sorcery: Not all schools of sorcery agree that you can advance down the path you want to take while never accumulating physical tools, icons, or ingredients. For example, my paradigm (which isn’t terribly unique) advises that in order to make changes in the physical world around you, then you need to use physical tools. No crystals to impregnate with energy? No herbs to sprinkle into the dinner? No candles? You can’t even direct energy into the threshold, windows, doorways? Then maybe you’re not going to be able to affect physical reality the way you want to.

(But, Chicken! You don’t need physical tools to put energy work into the front door. So you agree that the physical object is still a necessity? Or, no? Is it possible to create a purely astral threshold? Because...)

Energy: Just because you can perform an operation without using any physical tools doesn’t mean you have the personal energy to pull it off, especially not on a regular basis. For example, perhaps someone can create an energy construct of a cauldron sufficient to perform ritual gestation. They cast a spell purely out of energy work, and feed it with energy. That’s all good! But I can’t do that, because it would exhaust me. It’s not that I’m unable to direct energy; I can do energy work. It’s not a lack of talent or education. It’s just that I am literally, physically, too much of a low-energy witch to be able to do a lot of work without tools. If I had to substitute everything with energy work, I couldn’t do a lot of my witchcraft; I am too tired.

Spirit Work: In my paradigm (which is not so rare), a very important way to develop relationships with gods and spirits is to invite them into your physical space by devoting trinkets, houses, shrines, or spaces to them. By giving them a slice of your life, you invite them into your life! I don’t have to do that with a spirit. I can use my energy to bridge the gap with them every time. I can provide energy offerings to them every time they come through to me. I mean – hypothetically. I hypothetically could, but I actually can’t, because even though I can do energy work, I do not have enough personal energy to call my gods and spirits through into my IRL space using my own power multiple times a day. I especially do not have this energy when I need them most – a.k.a, when I am fatigued, distressed, and in need of help.

At a certain point, if Oak tree tells you to go find wood for a staff or wand, you’re going to have to do that. Maybe it’s going to take months or years of spellwork, careful searching, and cunning, but if you want your relationship to progress, it can’t be 100% on your terms. My point in all of this is just to say, I do agree with the sentiment that (as @lazywitchling says) you can't buy skill. And a lot of confusing resources can seem to imply that a beginner has to load up on unnecessary tools just to get started, which is untrue.

But I think sometimes that this push against anti-consumerism and a desire to protect beginners has warped into a sentiment that all witches are supposed to be able to validly work with 100% mental magic all the time for all purposes, which I don't believe is true.

Some people do need stuff! For lots of different reasons! And I think that should be normal and okay.

[dragonflydestiny]

❃ Pick-a-card: Tea of Empowerment ❃

I hope this PAC find you well. My 3rd pick-a-card reading. This pick a card is about self empowerment. Pick a tea and let spirits/the divine tell you how powerful you are. Sometimes, life can get disappointing and things don't work out the way you'd hoped and in those times you can start to doubt yourself and your abilities. So it is natural to be insecure in those low moments. But it is more important to acknowledge those insecurities, accept them and alchemise them into your greatest strength. I hope this reading will do just that. Pick from 1-4 and remember who you truly are.

P.S. I would be very grateful if you could tip me, only if you have the means to. It would encourages me to do more. Thank you so much.

Disclaimer: This is meant as entertainment only. Takes only what resonates.

My Master List.

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Pile 1: Oolong Tea 🐉 (Drinking this tea may help you hone your power, you can also look up benefits of this tea)

You are someone who is connected to yourself. You know what it is that truly matters in this life. Even though life do tempts you, you still won’t take it for granted. Instead, you acknowledge how precious life is for you and always try your best to have gratitude. Even in discontentment, you still acknowledge the support you have around you, both from the people and from spirits. When you go through creative blocks or lacking in motivation, you don’t shame yourself for it. Through conflicts and confusions, even if everyone was against you, you are never against yourself. That’s what makes you powerful pile 1 and spirits are admiring you for this mindset.

Further more, you do not inflict pain to oneself or others. In the darkest times, where it seems like it would never end, you still believe in better days. Even if people around you do bring you chaos and try to take your hope from you. You still stand strong, that is your power. You don’t become jaded and you don’t think you are better than other people even if they did become jaded. You feel for them and hope that they will find their way again. You are very kind and very humble which makes you a powerful being. You are also always protected by other beings from other realms (Spirit guides, Angels, etc,).

In addition, in the mist of chaos, you can actually juggle it very well because of your organisational skills and what to prioritise. Even if sometimes you stumble, you’d always know how to get back to balance. You deal with the chaos of change really well and you also know how to balance work and rest so you won’t end up burning out. Like mentioned previously, you know what it is that truly matters in life. You go towards what you need and won’t let immature emotions (self-doubts, fears, ego, etc.,) getting in the way.

Spirits want to say that they are proud of you for working towards your personal growth. Even if it is uncomfortable and unfamiliar, know that you have their support. Any doubts or fears you have, you can send them over to your spirit guides for guidance. You can ask them for help and be receptive to those guidance. You are moving through the discomfort, for example; quitting a job, choosing a new career path or ending a relationship, know that it is because you want to grow. Even if your family, friends or whoever it is do not support your decision, know that you do and that’s what’s matter. You’re someone who’s not afraid to do the necessary work to develop true confidence and a sense of self. That’s is your personal power and it is very empowering.

Ultimately, as you continue to walk this path of personal growth, you would/will have the power to transform karma and become your best and brightest self. You will not back down from challenges and face the unknown head on because you will know that in both physicality and spiritually, you are strong. There's no obstacle you cannot overcome. You are the truth seeker who will harness the power that prevail all because you follow your heart.

Advice: 49. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDLY. Express your love through actions. It could be for someone you love or for yourself.

Mood board for pile 1.

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Pile 2: Chamomile Tea 🌼 (Drinking this tea may help you hone your power, you can also look up benefits of this tea)

Pile 2, you are someone who has a clear vision. You know what you want, your dreams and your desires. Your strong vision and clarity makes you one of the most powerful manifestors. Without clouds, without doubts, you solidify your truest dreams. You would never let anyone or anything stand in the way of your dreams. You are someone who is decisive and when you make up your mind, there is no stopping you. It is very powerful if you decide to go towards your dreams. For example, if you dream of becoming an actor/actress, you will not give up until you achieve it.

You won't just see the rose-coloured view of that dream/goal either. You see both sides, the ideal and the reality. You face the truth no matter how hard it is. And by accepting and admitting your wildest dream/wish you don't deny yourself the truth. This mindset makes you have that eternal hope and nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Another power that you have is the ability to overcome obstacles. If time is one of your obstacles, you will overcome that too. You know that you don't work alone, you know that you are co-creating with the universe. You are someone who is loyal and dedicated to the things that you decide to work on whether it'd be work or personal/relationship growth. But you don't take on unnecessary burdens and grip on too tight onto these goals.

Your patience is one of the most powerful tools and time would only reveal the rewards of your hard work. Even if you don't have the necessary tools/knowledge to do something, you don't give up but you will wait for the right opportunities to gather the necessary tools to continue cultivating your empire.

Another power you hold is that you have an open mind, even if you know what you want, you are not too rigid in your thinking. You don't think that you are always right, you will listen to others opinions and suggestions. You don't listen only to your mind but your heart as well. You are not too stubborn to the point where it will hinder your growth, no, your thoughts are flexible but not too easily sway or tempted.

The things that you strive for, the things that you hold dear i.e. your truest wish, they are not shallow or superficial. It is not just status, money or material gain. It is more than that, it is your purpose, your calling, a part of your soul essence. It is a journey towards your truest self, your home, cultivating a sense of self-trust. This is your power.

You are connected to the deeper truths of life, no matter where it will leads, you are not afraid to take. The life experience and knowledge you collect along the way will be your greatest achievements and it will help tell your story. You understand that whatever you are going through, it is part of life, part of a great story and you are the main protagonist.

And finally, your perception is your greatest assets, your mind becomes your most powerful tool as you are on your way to the highest enlightenment letting go of egotistic mindset. With your ability to see the truth clearly and the courage to pursue your passion makes you the most powerful creative being, expressing your creativity and desire without shame and guilt because you honour your expression.

Advice: 40. BE IN THE PRESENT AND DREAM OF THE FUTURE. When we dream, everything is possible.

Mood board for pile 2.

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Pile 3: Peppermint tea 🌿 (Drinking this tea may help you hone your power, you can also look up benefits of this tea)

For pile 3, you overcome a lot of hardship and obstacles. You always come out of hard times victoriously. Like a warrior coming back from wars, you manage to win every battles and you win them with fairness and integrity. What makes you powerful is when you are in a difficult situation or a dark period of your life, you do not jeopardise your morality. There is honour in how you fight demons. You don't stoop low to their level and get your hands dirty. Most importantly, you don't let yourself become jaded and apathetic. You always look back at those dark times with gratitude.

What makes you more powerful is your foresight, you'd always see a better future so you don't dwell too much on the past. You are certain that it is only up from here and you will do anything to recover lifting your spirit. You battle your negative emotions with your sharp mind and perception bringing in the clarity needed. Nothing can cloud your judgement when you have the knowledge and experience. Every lessons learned are tools under your belt for future victories. There is nothing you can't conquer and you know this. Unlike others, you don't give yourself a hard times, there is only room for constructive criticism, never unnecessary reprimanding. This trait makes you powerful avoiding unneeded self victimisation and self pity.

Another trait that makes you powerful is that you are in your power, you are complete. You feel home within yourself, you acknowledge this and celebrate this. You worked on yourself, confronted your shadows and the deep hidden wounds from the past. You delve into the dark and face your fears where you address your anxiety with kindness, reasons and acceptance. You address your self doubts with reassurance. You are not afraid to look yourself in the mirror and accept who it is that you see in front of you. You accept yourself for who you are, destroying the guilt and the shame that was place upon you by external influences.

You are not afraid to see and confront what fears is holding you back. You would find out if it's the fear of abandonment, fear of success, or both or other types of fears that have been hindering you. You would bring awareness and illuminate the type of fear you are dealing with then you would take the next practical step and work through those fears. Thus, once you know what fear to confront, you will work on it patiently and persistently and would come out victorious.

And sometime, you might even have fun with doing these shadow work. These darkness fuel your creativity, your life's poetry metaphorically or literally if you are a writer. Because you know darkness, you can appreciate the light and life is much more flavourful.

What makes you even more powerful is when you are in your lowest of lows, you never lost your loving nature. A beauty from both within and radiating outwards. People around you love this sense of grace and calmness you exudes. With so much hardness in this world, you brought a sense of softness and tenderness that is full of gentleness and compassion. Because you hold the wisdom of the divine within you, you know that you are part of the divine, the universe's will. Divinity runs through your vein.

Your faith in the higher power makes you hone your power and align to your higher self. A strong relationship exists between you and the divine. A strong third eye, you see beyond this dimension, this timeline. You see into the future, again, your foresight is highlighted, with your strong intellect and intuition. You are powerful because you know you hold the deepest wisdom and you are not afraid to use them.

Advice: 13. MIRACLES AND BLESSING. Everything has its gift. Recognise and accept the blessings that have occurred in your life.

Mood board for pile 3.

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Pile 4: Black Tea 🌑 (Drinking this tea may help you hone your power, you can also look up benefits of this tea)

Pile 4, you went through so much hardships and burdens. The journey had been difficult. It made you feel like you've been climbing up a mountain carrying heavy rocks. These responsibility and burdens you're carrying, most of it is not even yours. There are too much responsibility you've taken or someone has given to you that is making your connection with your intuition a bit hard to access. You have a powerful intuition and strong psychic wisdom pile 4. But to be able to access it you have to sit in stillness, sit in silence and listen. Put down those misplaced burdens and instead of climbing, it is time to fly.

It is always those who are the most powerful that tend to suppress their power because they know subconsciously the influence and impact they hold, could do to themselves and to the people around them. With that being said, I can see that you are a very powerful being but most of your powers are hidden. Whether subconsciously or consciously, you kept your power hidden. You actually have psychic power that allows you to see potential futures. But you might suppress this because it scares you. Before, you'd only see 'bad' futures. These 'bad' futures you saw might be a result of the people surrounding you. Your environment may be full of pessimistic and negative people and their self fulfilling prophecy. That is not favourable in term of how it would influence and affects your psychic ability. However, if you actually try to see your predictions for what it is, you will be able to predict more realistic futures that are not so extremely 'good' or 'bad' but more factual and genuine.

What makes you powerful is that you have the potential to envision the future, like a visionary, you get a peak into the unknown. You can see potential futures where all your goals and desires come true. A way of life you always wanted to live. But your insight is not shortcoming. In addition to the vision, you also posses the ability and capability to critically assess those views. These skills would ground your vision and materialise them into the 3D.

You are honest with yourself and others about these visions you see. You'd know if it's just a groundless dream or a potential one. You'd observe your surrounding, your present moment, actions, details, and patterns. These clues aids you to asses if the vision you see can come true. This makes you powerful, therefore, your judgement have never been wrong, both the good ones and the not so good ones. Your judgement have always been right whether the people around you listen or not, you are always right. Sometime spooking people, they might think that you can actually see the future which genuinely, you can.

Whether people believe you or not, that's not your problem. You know yourself and over time you learn to trust your own judgement and discern accurately what's to come. These help you to be ready and adapt to take on whatever that will transpire while also simultaneously accessing alternate future outcomes that may be better. It is very hard to blind sided you pile 4 and that makes you powerful.

Your discernment is also what makes you powerful. You don't give away your time, your love or your energy easily. Now you know better, people need to earn your energy with respect and gratitude. Even though your cup of love is pure and authentic, it is very exclusive and hard to come by. If people are overlooking it then it is their loss. However, not only that it is hard for you to love, the opposite is also true. It's hard for you to 'unlove' as well. If you deem that person is worth your love you will be very loyal, 'do or die' type of energy. You would stick to that person till the end, never letting them go no matter what happens. This makes you a powerful friend and frightening enemy.

Another trait that makes you powerful is your enthusiasm for life. You are self-reliant and can handle hard challenges with ease. That may be why people come to you with their burdens. Again, do not take it if you don't want to. You are an independent, responsible individual who takes care of your own things. In truth, you carry so much wisdom within and can achieve far in this life. You might love travelling and have a lust for faraway lands. You heal and impact a lot of people that come into contact with you. You help ease their burdening path with your light and playful energy redirecting them towards a more favourable futures potentials.

But people tend to underestimate your impact and intelligent, thus, please remember not to underestimate your own power. Know this, most people you meet, they would need you more than you would need them. It's because you are so capable alone, literally, you can reach the stars. But because you are kind and you understand the law of oneness, you are willing to help those in need. Therefore, your existence alone is already very powerful.

Lastly, it is very important for you to release and lessen your load more. You are a strong and capable person who can take on a lot but that doesn't mean you should. Self-care, self prioritisation, rest and rejuvenation is very important for you and would make your power more potent.

Advice: 21. CHOOSE LOVE. You always have choice - make yours with love. It is because you are very powerful being, your choice have more weight and impact on those around you.

Advice: 9. SLOW DOWN. Pause and allow things to unfold.

Mood board for pile 4.

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[spelllingandthemysteryschool]

i have a really difficult time feeling confident in my grasp of certain practical skills that are necessary to, like, survive as an human being in this world & i really cannot tell if a) other people are as uncertain as i am when performing these tasks and it’s something they’re better at breezily pushing through in a way i’m not able to do even if the task feels high-stakes and insurmountable or b) they’re not as uncertain about it because it comes more naturally to them and doesn’t require a detailed script like the kind i prefer and therefore seems less high-stakes and insurmountable. like either way i can tell there’s something wrong with the way i move through the world but i can’t tell what that thing is. for example, whenever i’m cooking an elaborate new meal or driving a longer distance than i’m used to with someone else, i tend to defer to the other person who’s there with me and ask them about each step i’m meant to take in a way that usually culminates in me pissing people off because they don’t conceptualize tasks in this detailed step-by-step manner i need to make sense of things or because they think i’m feigning incompetence or anxiety and deliberately asking them these things to get out of doing it. in reality i know i can’t fuck up a meal (i will waste ingredients and therefore money) or fuck up driving (my life is at risk as well as the lives of those around me) so i really want to make sure i get it right because the consequences scare me, but usually no one else is receptive to this notion and they get very exasperated or even angry, which makes me extremely frazzled and more prone to fucking up, which pisses them off further. this really makes me sound like that tweet that’s like ‘omg you people can’t do anything’ which is kind of really embarrassing. by no means am i a new hand to any of the (non-comprehensive) examples i’m talking about here tbh so it’s sad that i still struggle with such basic skills despite all the practice i’ve had—in addition to practical tasks i’m newer to, like the ones i now regularly perform within my work environment. i guess i probably need to try and do these things on my own more often so that at least the element of someone else hovering over me and yelling at me for being useless is removed, but i do not have my own space in which to move about as i please and i know that this frantic and pervasive sense of fear and consequences looming over me and this need to have some kind of step-by-step to refer back to when i’m at a loss for how to proceed will remain with me for a long time or maybe even forever. i feel so stupid and i really wish i could just be a normal person like everyone else

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 8 thoughts

after the last few episodes, i took a brief break to ponder life's meaning and other such things. but we’re back. 

initial thoughts upon reading the description: PUSHER LIVED?!?!?! mulder shot him!!! fired the whole clip in ‘em!! granted, it was just one bullet, but he sure did keep going like there were more of them in there.

it’s very rare we see the same monster or bad guy of the week twice, and the first time we met pusher was one of my favorite episodes of all time, so i’m curious to see if they can recreate the magic here. no pressure.

(author's note: while a good episode that followed in the first one's tradition of having the most intense last 5 minutes you ever did see, this one did not beat the original for me. in fact, some parts even bothered me, like the writers' constant need for mulder to always always always be right!! but not the ending. they nailed that)

let’s go!!

we begin with modell, aka the pusher, doing some physical therapy. he is relearning how to walk. but he is still in prison and being re-cuffed into his wheelchair after doing very well. the doctor asks if this is really necessary, and the guards say yes ma’am. you do not wanna mess with this guy. we know this to be true.

they’re talking about him like he can’t hear. and i know his name is bobby modell, but i still kinda wanna call him the pusher. so i’m torn on how to refer to him.

older guard says to the younger guard chuck that you must never, EVER underestimate this man. and believe me. i won't. chuck, on the other hand...

i bet the actor who plays modell was pumped as hell to come back. you know you did a good job when they ask you to return. 

there is a light flashing outside modell’s cell, so the new guard chuck goes in there to investigate, pepper spray in hand. it seems modell’s pressing some sort of medical emergency panic button. and now he’s whispering to the guard…

the older guard is back in the morning, and knows something is afoot because chuck is gone!!! and modell’s cell is empty… except chuck!!!! who cannot form any coherent sentences??

ahhh, yes, in case you forgot, he pushes you to do stuff against your will with his psychic powers. hence the whole showdown last time. that is a very key detail i somehow forgot. but yeah. that was good stuff.

mulder is here, but it is scully leading the way!!!!! a power walk!!!!

into a room where skinner is briefing a large crowd!! he has a funny tie. and mulder and scully are his S.A.C.s! hold on, i need to look that up. special agent…? ah, it means special agent in charge. that’s a title that looks good on them.

they tell the people about the way modell can inflict his will onto others, how technically all of the kills from before were self-inflicted, how he thinks he’s a samurai without a master, and he loves to play games. last time he thought he found a worthy adversary in mulder. this time, i hope he realizes scully is just as worthy. i would like to see this please. and i appreciate the recap for others who, like me, may have forgotten his skill set.

modell was comatose but then just woke up!! “it’s unusual but it’s not unheard of” <- yeah girl you’d know lmao

he still has his cancer in him, though. which i also forgot about: the tumors give him the powers. outlandish? well, yes!

scully is really concerned!!! and says that mulder leading the investigation is exactly what modell wants- he’s playing his game. mulder seems offended and walks away. lmao. i know he thinks he needs to suffer, but girl, c’mon. she is talking sense. he must know that deep inside.

(cue a deep scully sigh as he storms off)

downtown in a random sports store, a guy is watching the news of modell's escape, when in he walks!! this guy goes to grab something to fend him off, but modell turns it into a rattlesnake??? huh?? now he can summon living things??? this is a serious power upgrade. or is he just making the poor cashier imagine that inanimate object is a snake...

YES, HE IS JUST IMAGINING THAT THE BASEBALL BAT IS A SNAKE!!! woah. okay, so that makes a lot more sense than him now being able to create beasts after his stint in prison

modell steals some candy bars (he loves his candy bars!) and watches scully and mulder on the TV!!! you’d think they would try to not be on TV. but sometimes it still happens

the agents are talking to modell's doctor, who says that it is impossible his gunshot wound to the head left him good as new; he couldn’t have been faking his condition entirely. she then looks up and declares “you’re the agent that shot him” and there’s a thick silence until scully cuts in with the observation that he had a visitor in prison yesterday before he escaped. typical scully saving the day. 

the doctor is explaining that she never had a problem with him personally (mulder is mad as hell) when someone runs in to say “agents! it’s modell” so they RUN OUT in great style 

ohhh, he’s on the phone asking for mulder, and skinner is here to run a trace

ohhh!!! scully was so worried modell would suck mulder in with this psychic powers again... they just needed 30 seconds to trace the call, so scully asks for a time check!! and when he starts to get invested, she reminds him to hang tf up!! which he does!!

but i am interested in what he had to say… even if it was all lies…

scully says “don’t let him rope you in” and “mulder, hang up the phone” and him listening right away did a lot for me 

off to the sports store, where mulder finds modell's candy wrapper, but no modell. he’s outside! but is it really him??

mulder is running and running in front of traffic to find this guy… but i have this terrible fear he’s just going to get hit by a car. which wouldn’t be the first time. 

there is a real guy!!! in modell's jacket!! but it’s the poor cashier from earlier who thought the bat was a snake! :( skinner asks him very angrily where modell is and he just says “he had to go” hmm hmm…

modell is looking at a picture. he gets blue paint on it. and blue paint on a lot of things. some guy is covered entirely in blue paint? can you paint yourself to death? (we later learn this man is named bowman)

modell left a huge message in japanese on the wall of bowman's house! “i’m going to take a wild stab here and guess that this is a clue” <- deeply observant as always, mulder

does anyone in the squad read japanese…? now would be a great time to come forward and admit that

scully is investigating paint guy bowman. he swallowed it???? he drank the paint to death?? damn.

THEY DO FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN READ JAPANESE!!! shoutout to this side character. 

and the blue was modell's favorite shade of cerulean omg…

bowman was the one who prosecuted modell in 1996! wait, so… what year is it in this episode? let me guess… 1998? 1999? i honestly do not know. but they’re saying “1996” and not “2/3/4 years ago”, and since i don’t see which year each episode was made in on this devious streaming platform, i am left with only my best guess

he was writing the same thing over and over… "kitsunegari"… it means “fox hunt”!! which i guess is a pretty good description of what they are doing 

LMAO MULDER’S FACE he looks briefly flattered “well, that’s a little on the nose, don’t you think?” <- why is he hunting just for mulder!!! he is underestimating the prowess of scully here.

it seems this paint guy bowman had a wife, who i shall refer to alternatively as "mrs. bowman" and "linda", so they call her. and she isn’t in her office, but the person who picks up says she went to meet a FOX MULDER!!!! a bald faced lie, that was!!! for mulder is here, on the phone!!! so they’re trying to figure out where mrs. bowman and modell went. skinner calls the town’s police department right away. 

these cops are entering this warehouse sort of place… and modell’s in there!!!! but they can’t find him… he is leading them to him!!! this must be some sort of trick…. is cop A imagining his partner is modell???

agents on the scene. wait hold on. rewind. mulder was driving, skinner was in the passenger seat, and scully was in the back. this is amusing to me. anyway, they’re off.

ohhhh no, it IS cop A pointing his gun at cop B, thinking he is modell. poor cop B is screaming. yeah. that's tough.

scully asks the question: what does he want with bowman’s wife??

aww, she thinks he’s here for a tour of the property :( and she’s crying because she just learned her husband died :( poor scully has to ask the hard questions and she is also looking very sad :(

mulder… please call me

ohhh skinner coming in… he kneels next to linda bowman and says that she is safe with them!! usually people saying this means that things will not end well. he says they’ll place her in protective custody :( and he has his hands on her back :( ohhhh skinner…

“find him” “yes sir” <- scully never ever ever forgets to say sir. mulder almost never does it. says so much about their characters in such a small detail. i love it and i love to analyze it.

mulder has his hands in his suit pockets, thinking deeply. why didn’t modell just kill those two cops? hmm. he asks for a radio. 

ohhh modell is watching mrs. bowman being taken away…. he sees mulder…. who is entering the building…. and mulder finds another candy bar wrapper, knows modell is nearby, and pulls out his gun!! 

he’s going in alone… this is a terrible idea!!! everything is so suspenseful!!!

he radios scully, but modell is trying to tell him something. and he keeps telling him to shut up, but no!!! he has his psychic claws in his brain!!

modell is very sick and sweaty… and when mulder walks out, all he says to scully about modell is “he had to go” <- NOOOO 💔💔

okay, no pressure scully, but it seems your partner is down for the count.

ohhh, wait he’s back. okay. so the brain hijacking is really only temporary.

“how are you feeling?” “well, aside from the utter grinding humiliation that comes from knowing i let our suspect go, pretty good” <- lmao awww :( he's embarrased

ohhh, modell had a special message for mulder: “don’t play the game” <- is he talking about the evil alien tricks and traps the FBI has set forth for those two?

mulder thinks perhaps modell has changed… and that he’s involved with this whole case, but not the killer… scully wants to know how he knows if it’s really his own opinion!

“what do we still agree on here? that modell was pursuing linda bowman?” <- this was, for once, a masterful act of avoiding conflict. i’m almost shocked. usually for the last 5 seasons, these nerds would get into a cat fight over the logistics of how this could or couldn’t be possible, but he totally shifted it to "what do we both need to know and how can we find it?". i’m gagged. mulder, you’ve changed! this is character development!

linda is at the safe house, being questioned by the agents. ohhhh she is saying her husband thought mulder should have just killed modell, and it would have saved the taxpayers the cost of a trial. girl, he shot him in the HEAD, he was doing his best to kill him!! scully is watching him as she says this to gauge his reaction

OHHH... linda said “brush”, and i was thinking, hmm that’s suspicious after earlier activities, and now she just said “paint him as that” and i am INCREASINGLY suspicious… and mulder says back “he was true-blue” ohhh they’re speaking in riddles… 

so what does the part about only being married two months and two days mean….? anything at all?

(author's note: yeah it didn't mean a damn thing <3)

mulder seems to think that linda killed her husband! scully is shocked to hear this. perhaps, mulder posits, it was her game he warned against playing, and modell was there during paint time, but not involved.

OHHH scully tells him that she does not agree at all..... and SKINNER SUSPENDS HIM!! he cannot be trusted after modell had access to his mind! skinner takes his gun!!!! but you have to remember, this mulder guy usually has a slay little ankle gun in his sock. so he might not be down for the count.

linda comes out and asks for water… they lock eyes and he says he’ll prove it. “GO FETCH HER SOME WATER”, he yells back at skinner. see? about what i said earlier? no “sir” there. 

mulder goes back to visit modell's doctor, who says that a nun once described modell as a “conquered warrior”. OH he thinks the nun might be linda!!! but the doctor can’t find her glasses to make an ID!!!!

OH MY GOSH??? she’s on the phone and says “oh yeah, he’s here” (why are they talking about him??) and then she GRABS the electrical box and fries herself!! he’s calling for help!!! he is doing some CPR, but idk if it’s looking good for her….

modell is being taken into jail. allegedly. who knows if it’s really him or not? he tells this guard to go home. and this does happen.

someone is now approaching linda… it’s modell!!! he locks the door behind him as he enters the safe house!!!! 

mulder calls scully to say that it must have been linda on the phone with the doctor ordering her to fry herself, because she might have identified her, and he tells her to cut off any access she has to a phone. hmm. 

NOOO they might have fallen for a trap…. scully tells all the agents to get back in the trucks…. 

skinner is seemingly alone with linda at the safe house, trying to enter the locked room. OHHH he kicks down the door!!! modell announces that he has a gun. skinner says get on the floor NOW and modell doesn’t, so skinner shoots!! he is a man of action 

linda is here too, and modell points to her on the floor…. as if to implicate her for the crimes!

mulder is back after previously having been booted, and skinner does not seem happy to hear him. mulder is trying to explain that hearing modell say he has a gun makes one sort of just appear in his vision. and that really modell was unarmed. so skinner just killed an unarmed guy, oof.

mulder thinks that modell is taking the fall for linda, and scully is asking, well why the hell would he do that for the real estate lady? and she went home anyway; she clearly wasn't a threat

mulder says he needs to be the first person modell talks to when he gets out of surgery…

i want mulder to be wrong so badly and just blaming this whole elaborate scheme on some random lady. he’s right too often. so he’s just standing there over modell at the hospital, lmao.

BUT IT TURNS OUT THE NURSE AT THE HOSPITAL IS LINDA!!! who uses her ability to walk right past mulder. so did she come to modell in prison to learn his secret power or something? are they having an affair?

she gets on his bed and grabs his hand. “why did you do it? i didn’t ask you to come after me” 

she says she’s going to finish what he started, but he asks her to stop……… 

she uses her mind tricks to try and alleviate his pain… and then she starts tricking him into dying?????? so he dies and she lays her head on his chest. i'm receiving mixed messages here on if these two even liked each other.

mulder sees someone running into the room and realizes modell died without talking to him!!! and linda left an address on her little index card that said “nurse”.

so he goes there…… and he hears scully?? but is it really her?

SHE HAS A GUN.

“you were right about her, mulder. she’s making me do this” <- HUH???

MULDER MAKE HER STOP, SHE BEGS. HE’S YELLING. HE’S YELLING. SHE PUTS THE GUN TO HER HEAD?? AND FIRES??? AND HE’S SCREAMING???

he’s cradling her head but there is only a tiny drop of blood… was it fake? but the rest of the blood follows soon

OHHHHH NOW “LINDA” IS SAYING THAT SHE’S SCULLY AND SHE’S NOT DEAD…. oh my gosh the mind games….. he sees scully bleeding out behind him, but is it really her? he has his gun up and he’s yelling “you killed her” at "linda", and i recognize this scene from a gifset i have reblogged before without context… 

“YOUR MOTHER IS TINA. YOUR SISTER IS SAMANTHA. modell warned you. don’t play her game” <- OHHHH (“linda” shoots at someone behind her)

(he turns and realizes that it really is scully he’s talking to, and she shot the real linda, who asks “you think you can hold me?”)

(see, if i were scully, i would have pulled out some more niche mulder facts than his family members' names to prove it was me. i would have gone for "YOU WERE TERRIFIED OF STICK BUGS AS A CHILD AND SCREAMED A GIRLY SCREAM AT THEM" but i understand that it was a very intense situation and perhaps that thought was not on her mind)

wait, i need to rewatch that. hold on. hold on….. 

the way he watches “scully” in distress, thinking that it’s really her. she's begging him to make her stop as she clicks the gun, screaming his name as she turns the gun to her own head… and how he screams “NOOO!” and cradles what he thinks is her dying body...

and then he talks to real scully, but he sees linda, and he growls that he’s going to kill her… he looks down and sees scully’s dead body…..

he keeps screaming at her to shut up… with this animalistic, out-of-body fury in his eyes…

and then scully saves the day and shoots the real linda, who was standing behind him….. and he sees it’s really scully standing in front of him… and she gently grabs his arm… before calling an ambulance…

that was a very intense scene that deserved such a rewatch.

(screams into my hands real quick at the angst)

(she says “we’d like an ambulance” and i think that’s interesting that she uses “we” to refer to them both as a duo even to a total stranger, but i can imagine that possessiveness is still high in her bloodstream after almost watching him kill her, thinking he was avenging her own death)

so, wrap up time with skinner. linda too had the advanced temporal lobe tumor that modell had��� they were TWINS??? but they only found out 6 months ago. and scully guesses she wanted revenge for what they did to her brother

(skinner turns to mulder) “anything you want to add to that?” “no, i think that covers it” <- (visible confusion on skinner’s face) ohhh you know it’s bad when mulder actually shuts the fuck up.

OHH but skinner wants to see him after… mulder nods at scully that he is okay to handle whatever this is alone…

SKINNER WANTS TO JUST TELL HIM HE DID A GOOD JOB?? “you were way ahead of me” “i almost killed my partner” <- yes, and this will haunt him forever just the way i like it.

“you won her game” “how come i feel like i lost?” (skinner does not know what to say as mulder sadly leaves)

bro, he was trying to be nice to you�� 

this episode wasn’t as good as the original, but it is hard to live up to such high expectations. however! it was still VERY good.

i liked the first one so much because they were so in sync about everything. they were even in constant close physical proximity to hear modell's phone calls. and the joking!! and her falling asleep on his shoulder!! mixed with the angst!! it was the perfect recipe.

this one felt like another “mulder is the specialist boy of all time and he is so smart, he sees what everyone else cannot” episode, which we get an awful lot of. STILL, he was tricked in the end, and the angst was delicious. i liked that they were both wrong- her about linda being evil, and him about scully being dead.

what i was really hoping for was that at the halfway point when mulder had modell get into his brain, that he would be down for the count for the rest of the investigation, and modell would shift his target to scully, realizing she was also a worthy adversary. and then the same things could happen just in a different direction. someone let me know if that is a fic.

but, just because it wasn’t as good as the first does not mean it wasn’t good at all!! okay?? i mean that!! him screaming at her thinking she was her own murderer??!! i mean come on!! where else do you get that?

and skinner overtly complimenting him, for like, the first time ever?? mulder has always seemed like he wants skinner to let him in so bad, in a way that is too much to want from your boss that probably comes from being raised the way he was. and it finally happens where skinner says "you did it son", and he’s all, "no i didn’t, i almost killed scully". he’s too wrapped up in his own eternal labyrinth of guilt to acknowledge that skinner is giving him approval. chef’s kiss

oh, and scully screaming his mother and sister’s names, begging him not to shoot… i wish we could have seen gillian anderson act that out, BUT it contributed to the illusion to not see that. and her whole faking scully’s death scene was amazing anyway, so i can’t complain with what we did see. 

scully was really worried about him, and it makes total sense, especially if you recall last time her screaming “DAMN IT, MULDER” as pusher made him hold the gun to his own head, and then as she watched him try and shoot him like a million times despite there only being one bullet. it makes sense that she wanted him to go home and stay away from the case. it makes total narrative sense. she was looking out for him, she was scared. when we see him in the OG episode, it’s probably the most overtly terrified we ever see him! i think of that scene where he’s shooting at the range, so terrified he has to brush up on his aim. so her protectiveness makes sense. but still.

i get annoyed with the “only mulder can solve this case” episodes after like, 5 seasons of them. i wouldn’t complain if the ratio was more even between them. but like. when bigfoot exists in this world and mulder’s like “bigfoot is real” and she’s like “don’t be ridiculous” and then bigfoot IS real, we get a lot of him being right already. it feels that, despite this, the narrative wants to keep convincing me that he is the smartest boy, as if i forgot. and i did not forget. i do not see why we need to emphasize how smart he is and not do the same for scully.

i was also hoping for any sort of acknowledgment about last episode, but they just kinda ignored it which is fine too i guess lmao. i mean sure, we can just give scully a baby, kill her off, and act like nothing happened /s

anyway, rereading this episode's notes was a funny experience because i fully fell for mrs. bowman's tricks. lmao. it is also funny that they were twins separated at birth, but it turned out that her husband put her brother in jail. the very sort of shenanigans you expect from such a show!

[io-lu-art]

just a looong ramble analysing and rethinking Rey's character and turning whatever conclusions I get to into my headcanon without changing any plot points in TFA because I don't have the energy for that....

First things first. With everything I write here and publish on my blog from now on I refuse to believe that TROS ever existed. Everyone is free to have their personal opinions as long as they don't harass or hate on anyone, and this is mine. Almost every choice in that movie has left me scarred, even up til now, 4 years after its release. I thought I can ignore it, like any other healthy human being, but - oh boy, I cannot. If you are interested in reading another ramble on that, here's the post.

Since I am writing my own take on what could happen after TLJ (you may call it a fanfiction, I'm gonna call it a fanscript since that's gonna be its format), this post serves the purpose of getting my head clear around what's the deal with Rey, analysing, and lying down a solid foundation for my WIP. The story I'm writing has barely reached the end of Act I (out of III) at the moment I am composing this commentary, and I constantly notice that I get stuck with Rey's character every time I have to think about her for different reasons I will address down below.

I will make some rewrites as I see fit and necessary along the way for her character to make sense to me. All rewrites are in Tumblr's

chat style

This post will be linked to my AO3 fancifction as a reference for people to understand how I treat her character as soon as that one will be finished... *clears her throat* ...ANYWAY-

Let's have a look at Rey, shall we?

Rey's introduction.

When we first meet Rey, there is already a lot we get to learn about her. She's a scavenger. On a pretty much deserted desert planet. Water and food are scarce. She gathers parts during the day to sell them in exchange for food rations.

She has no friends, no family. She's lonely. And has been for quite a while. And yet, though hard, it looks like a pretty peaceful and stable life. If it were significantly different, we would have gotten introduction scenes of her battling some gangs or other scavengers for parts or something. But instead we were provided with beautiful, peaceful cinematography and John Williams' incredible score.

She manages. She manages because she has to and has never known to do otherwise. This on its own is already a very solid introduction. And it becomes even more powerful as we are provided with additional context later on, as she tells BB-8 that she's waiting for her family.

We know who she is, what she does and what she wants. No more questions, right?

Well, this is where it gets confusing, at least for me: there's one shot in Rey's introduction which always leaves me puzzled about her actual wants. It's the moment she puts on the rebel pilot helmet.

Maybe I am reading too much into it, but it feels like it kinda wants to draw parallels to Luke Skywalker in ANH? What exactly is the purpose of this shot? Is she putting on the helmet just for fun? Is it to show that she is still a kid inside? She seems to enjoy herself. Is it to show us that she maybe wants to be a pilot...? The gesture on its own is too little information to imply that, let alone that she already is a very skilled one, so probably no. Then, is it, perhaps, to show us that she dreams of more? Like Luke, who wanted to get off the planet that is "farthest away from the bright center of the universe"?

The interpretations, especially when looking at it in context to the rest of the movie could go on and on and on.

Quick detour.

The reason it works so well with Luke's character is because from the very beginning, with everything he does and says, it is perfectly clear that he doesn't want to stay on Tatooine. It's his only want when we first meet him.

Luke has friends who tell him about the galaxy. He seeks adventure.

And he's very impatient about it.

Everything he says basically SCREAMS how much he hates it there.

Now back to Rey.

Am I expecting Rey to show the same interest in getting off Jakku with the same attitude and level of energy as Luke, should that have been what TFA was going for? No, of course not. They are (supposed to be) two different characters after all. But I do believe that, given the setup, that helmet scene leaves too much room for confusing and unnecessary interpretation. (More so because I am trying my best to avoid nostalgia bait wherever I can.)

I am not denying the fact that she wouldn't have heard about the wider galaxy, that she wouldn't wonder about what it would feel like, being out there. People travel. And with people traveling, so do stories. So if you want to hint at that, do it subtly, all the while keeping the focus on her biggest want.

I might really just be reading too much into it, but still, in my humble opinion, a way to solve this confusion is cutting out her interaction with the pilot helmet completely. Let me demonstrate.

Inside her home we already see this self-made rebel pilot puppet. Just like the puppet lying around, instead of having her pick it up and putting it on,

the helmet remains part of the environment, stuck in the sand. There could even be a close-up on it as Rey puts down her empty plate next to it when she has finished eating if you really want to show it. She then rests her arms on her knees and looks up into the sky, following the ship that has just departed from the far outpost into the high atmosphere until it disappears. Waiting.

What is achieved by changing the interaction with the helmet is that it keeps her wants just as clear as Luke's. Luke wants adventure. She wants her family back. Period.

...I rewatched this scene after writing these paragraphs and yes, I admit, in the end it happens so fast that one could probably just let it pass and interpret it as Rey being very bored and using it as entertainment to wait out the days. But even if it were just that, the effects this little tweak would have on the following scenes is quite interesting to look at nonetheless.

The tweak I am going with from now on: Having her not actively wonder about possible adventures at all. She doesn't believe those stories to actually be true, because she's never allowed herself to. She's never allowed herself to actually want to ever leave Jakku.

What would it mean for her characterisation? It would make her slightly more serious and grounded. And the movie (except for the helmet scene) actually already treats her that way. Notice how she, while fixing BB-8's antenna, takes a moment to look at him before asking:

She's never seen such a droid before. At least not in such good condition. So, of course, she's curious. But when BB-8 says it's classified, she only laughs about it. "Classified? Really? Me too. Big secret," as if to say, haha, yeah, right. She rejects that possibility. And she doesn't bother asking any further, because when she is confronted with the choice to go and explore, she is reminded of her promise to herself, which is that she will wait for her family until they return.

Now, here is where I insert some very subtle "rewriting". When Rey first meets Finn, she is suspicious of him...

...and should actually remain suspicious,

instead of admiring him and falling into this, let's call it, "excited, fangirly smile"...

She doesn't know him. She has no reason to trust him. Instead, the tone of this line should be one that reflects her emotions as it slowly gets to her that those stories she's been hearing about might actually have some truth to them, that there might actually be a wider world out there. So make her be gradually interested.

Huh. This man I just forcefully hit to the ground, a Resistance fighter, knows about BB-8 and his classified information. What are the odds of that?

"So you're with the Resistance?" Rey asks suspiciously, looking down at the man.

The man stands up, brushes the sand and dust off his jacket and answers, "Obviously. Yes, I am. I am with the Resistance."

Rey frowns, "I've never met a Resistance fighter before," scanning him with her eyes. Why would there be any on Jakku? Nothing ever happens here.

"Oh, this is what we look like, some of us. Others look different."

Rey cannot help a little smile at his strange attitude. She looks back to where BB-8 rolled off to. Puzzled, she tells him, "BB-8 says he's on a secret mission. He has to get back to your base..." Even hearing herself pronounce that out loud feels so surreal to her. None of this makes any sense. Why-

"Apparently he has a map that leads to Luke Skywalker and everyone's after it."

What? "Luke Skywalker?" she asks, confounded.

CUT TO ACTION.

Whether she wants it or not, the plot forces her into the stories she's been hearing of. You don't want to believe they are real? They're real, all right. She has no choice but to run and get along. And later, she does get more and more interested, specifically when she meets Han Solo, the legend himself. Her whole beliefs turn upside down. It's exciting and she embraces it. Why? She's made a promise to BB-8 that she will get him home, and those things kinda come hand in hand.

Rey's physicality.

Rey is very fast to jump into action. She doesn't think twice about what she's doing. She just acts. Because that's how she's learned to survive all this time on her own. When she but hears BB-8 struggling in the distant sand dunes the first time they meet, she immediately reacts and goes to help (which also shows how compassionate she is towards people - and droids - in need of help).

And she's incredibly stubborn about it. If I may even word it like this: it's something she carries with pride.

So she's a good fighter. And I have but one request: DO. NOT. FORGET. THAT. HER. FIGHTING. STYLE. IS. ROUGH. AND. DIRTY. AND. HAS. NO. TECHNIQUE. WHATSOEVER. WHILE. THE. STORY. PROGRESSES. OK? Ok. What else? Ah, yes. Piloting. I don't know which of the two aspects has brought more uproar in the SW community, with the addition of the Force to these 2 points making people call her a Mary Sue, her being overpowered and so on. Let's have a look at that.

Rey's piloting skills.

She obviously knows her way around the Falcon. And it's plausible. "This ship hasn't flown in years!" It's been there for quite a while. Maybe she has had the opportunity to sneak onto it once. What about her flying skills? Well, that takeoff definitely had me worried. At this point I am even amazed this ship is still all in one piece. Which has me thinking... just a thought...

While trying to get those TIEs off their tail, Rey damages a visibly big part of the Falcon's exterior. "Ups," she comments, hastily checking the controls. Ok... The ship still flies. All good.

"What was that?" Finn calls from the gunner position, seriously worried for their lives.

"Nothing to worry about!" Rey quickly shouts back. All in all, the flight is messy as hell, and the Falcon needs some heavy repairs. But they still manage to get out.

"Nice shooting!"

"That was some flying! How did you do that?"

"Thanks! I don't know! I've flown some ships, but I've never left the planet."

(This is me reacting to their dialogue in the new context:) Yeah, guys, good work! You've almost destroyed the Falcon in the process, but you're alive, so I guess it's fiiiiiine.

What am I going for here? Adding to their level of expectations, which are... pretty low, and hopefully Rey's likability.

And then, later, Han is horrified of the state his ship is in, "Who did that?" Rey doesn't answer his question, but instead immediately offers her help, "I can fix that for you," feeling a bit ashamed of handling the ship of a legend this carelessly. And Han is... well, Han about it.

When would the Falcon get those repairs, you might ask? Eh, *hand gesture* there's plenty of time on D'Quar for that while they discuss how to blow up the third Deathst- *clears her throat* Starkiller Base. And obviously it's not gonna be Rey doing those repairs.

This addition tones down her abilities, puts more focus on her skills as a scavenger and makes her more relatable. I'd also argue that it puts more weight to her decision to eventually decline Han's offer to join the crew because of her wants. You see, once immersed into the real thing, the stories becoming true, meeting the legends, she becomes genuinely curious. She asks questions. Why did Luke leave? What fight? She gets incredibly excited when Han offers her a job. And yet, despite all, she still wants to go back.

Nevertheless, Rey displays pretty amazing piloting skills under those stressful circumstances on Jakku. After all, flying the Falcon is....

Her instincts are implacable. One might even say that she*

She just isn't aware of it yet. It is not until some scenes with Han and the rathtars later that we get the first hint.

The Force.

Now I might be wrong, but I have a theory, which is that the piloting performance under high pressure on Jakku might have been it. The Awakening.

The Force calls to Rey through Luke's lightsaber. And she listens to it, not knowing what will follow. She experiences the Force vision, and is horrified.

"That lightsaber was Luke's, and his father's before him, and now, it calls to you!"

"I have to get back to Jakku." Again.

Even when Maz tells her, "You already know the truth. Whomever your waiting for on Jakku, they are never coming back,"

she still refuses to believe that.

Tears run down her cheeks

and she shakes her head. No.

"But there's someone who still could."

Rey frowns. What is Maz implying there? "Luke?" she asks and realises what it's leading up to, and doesn't like it. Her emotions are a mess. She gulps back and keeps shaking her head as Maz speaks.

"The belonging you seek is not behind you. It is ahead. I am no Jedi, but I know the Force. [...] The light. Feel it. [...] The lightsaber. Take it."

Rey doesn't want to hear of it. Any of it.

"I am never touching that thing again!"

Rey just witnessed complete horror. She is in denial. Keep in mind her clear wants from the beginning of the movie. Ideally her want for her parents to come back should be replaced by the character fulfilling her needs at the end of her arc. But we're not nearly there yet. What Maz tells her about the Force completely contradicts Rey's experiences. She cannot just accept the truth. And how does she handle it? She runs away. She's terrified.

She wants to go back to the way things were before any of this mess started. But the plot doesn't let her run away that easily. It knows she has to face her fears, one being her fear of the Force and one the fear of perhaps never making it back to Jakku ever again.

It forces her further into these situations, making it impossible for her to get out of them. She's trapped. Literally and figuratively. And fighting her way out won't work this time, the one ability she always relied on to save herself. It's her darkest moment. And if that were not enough, Kylo Ren, this stranger, this man inside that mask, the man from her vision, shoves all her insecurities right into her face.

"And Han Solo." Rey jolts up. Either out of fear of possibly betraying Han and slipping, giving away a location, or out of rage that Kylo has gone too far into her personal space. Either way, this rage gives her some strength to oppose him. "You feel like he's the father you never had. He would have disappointed you."

"Get out of my head!" He backs away for his own reasons, not wanting to think any more of his father, but still holds onto her mind. Rey does all she can to withstand him, and the longer she does, the more time it gives her to understand what is going on.

And Kylo senses it. What he's trying to do here is not working. Concern washes over his face, which makes him lose control over the situation. The connection opens, inviting Rey to tap into his mind. She's inside his head. Now she understands. She understands she can use this power on him, too. So she does.

And there it is. She's strong with the Force.

And that's intentional. Why? For reasons we discover in TLJ and numerous other fanfictions. (TROS? w-what's that-)

She has found a way out of the situation. Now, has she ever heard of Jedi mind tricks? Maybe? But remember what she just discovered: She just tapped into Kylo's mind. So she tries that again on the stormtrooper. Because when she knows how to act, she just does. She's always been confident in her physical abilities and skills. Why would she have to treat this new power any different? And luckily it works, after 3 tries.

And that's fine. Let's move on. Kylo kills Han. Explosions.

Notice this. Even though she knows she now has these new powers, the same powers Kylo has, she still draws her blaster at him after calling him a monster. She acts on emotion and choses the quick, familiar way.

I actually like to believe that Rey really doesn't know what the Force is and how it works, at all. How would she? Yes, Maz did tell her about it, but how do Force-powers manifest in people? She's never seen anyone use it before, upon meeting Kylo Ren. So in every scene she does use it, she just copies Kylo. That's the only reference she has. Remember how proud she is of her physical abilities. And she is so naive that she just goes and tries it for herself, without thinking of whether it will work out or not. And it works out for her. Because, again, she is strong in the Force.

It's true that her flaw, her naivety, is not really addressed in TFA. It never really backlashes on her. And, to be completely honest, I have no idea how to make room for that without some heavier rewrites yet. But maybe it's not necessary. TLJ takes care of that. TFA just introduces us to Rey as a character after all.

Now, is the force-summoned lightsaber making her overpowered? If you interpret it as "Kylo couldn't get that thing out the snow but Rey could," then yes, yes it is. BUT, if you see it as "while Rey is observing the fight, she sees Kylo trying to summon it, so she copies him, the way she copied him with the mind-tapping, and reaches for it the moment Kylo conveniently gets it out of the snow for her," I don't think it is, though I do agree that in order for the second version to be true, the scene happens too fast with too little shots to explain it. *OP takes a breath* So, here is what I suggest:

Kylo reaches out for the lightsaber. SHOT of the lightsaber in the snow, fidgeting slightly. BACK TO Kylo, pulling anew. BACK TO the lightsaber. It gets free. CUT. Another shot of it flying through the air towards the camera.

SHOT on Rey witnessing that - she is already on her feet again - and immediately reaching for it as well, outstretching her arm towards it.

SHOT of Kylo as he feels the momentum of his pull shift and dodges out of the way. The lightsaber flies past him, into Rey's hand.

Rey has always been fast to react to action. So it would make sense for her to be able to do that. Ok. Now to the fight itself.

*sighs* I don't even know where to start. ...One thing's for sure. Kylo at this point is pretty much destroyed emotionally from having killed his father, but he's still big and strong and aggressive in his movements. Rey, on the other hand, kinda seamlessly knows how to handle a lightsaber, which... is definitely not believable at all.

Let's step back for a moment. Why do we have this fight? Rey needs to get Finn and herself out of there and Kylo is pretty much in the way, so she wants to eliminate the problem. And what does Kylo want? Sure, he is interested in Rey and her raw powers which eventually adds up to them being equals in the Force, so he doesn't want to kill her...

But he also wants that lightsaber, doesn't he?

(God, I am looking at this fight to find any clues and I'm just sitting here, elbows on the table, resting my head in my hands, massaging my temples, wondering, "why the hell are there so many cuts in that fight scene?") (I am no expert in fight choreography, so bare with me as I try to make this work.)

Rey is the one who draws first at him.

She has never wielded a lightsaber before, but knows how to handle a staff... so she treats the lightsaber like a staff within its limitations.

Because remember, HER. STYLE. OF. FIGHTING. IS. ROUGH. AND. DIRTY. AND. HAS. NO. TECHNIQUE. WHATSOEVER. So, pretend we have some well thought out choreography in this part.

Kylo blocks her with ease. Rey is frustrated. The lightsaber feels heavy and difficult to handle. It doesn't take long for Kylo to

get her cornered at the edge of the newly formed cliff.

"You need a teacher! I could show you the ways of the Force!" he exclaims.

Rey considers, out of breath, "The Force?" Rey takes a moment as her mind connects the dots. So that's what these new powers are? Kylo watches her, waits for her to make a move. No time for pondering about the Force any more. Rey moves. Kylo LETS her duck and free herself from his block. She runs, backs away from the crater. He follows her. He outstretches his arm. Rey is stuck. She's literally petrified. Again. Kylo draws nearer. He twirls his saber, now holding it backwards (you know, Ahsoka style). "No," she hisses through her teeth, struggling. Heavy breaths. She closes her eyes. When he almost touches her hand holding the lightsaber, "No!" she RESISTS his force-cage and GOES FREE.

Because, you see, even though Maz told her to "close her eyes" and "feel the light", Rey has never done that before, and when under stress, I do believe she would rather choose a quick, familiar way to get out of the situation. The only thing she knows how to do with the Force at this point is to copy or resist Kylo. She wouldn't know how to to draw power from the Force, yet. She'll have plenty of time to learn that from Luke later, should she survive this fight, so we better continue.

Kylo stumbles back as she draws at him. Rey goes for a swing to hit from above, which Kylo manages to block last second, bringing his lighsaber up from behind his back. As their lightsabers are crossed again he quickly reaches for her right hand, which is holding Luke's saber, with his left hand and moves it aside to his right towards the ground, using his crossguard for more momentum to force her down. He steps his left foot accordingly to keep himself stable. Rey cries out from the unexpected movement. They are kinda back to back. His left shoulder against her right one. The position is uncomfortable. He squeezes Rey's wrist. Rey cries out in pain. Then, she realises how close they are.

Time for some close combat, ladies and gentlemen.

She gives in and lets go of the lightsaber, lets it fall to the ground. Kylo releases her to reach for the fallen lightsaber. But before he can pick it up, Rey KICKS his left hand away with her right heel and PUNCHES his JAW with her right elbow from below. Kylo's head rocks back. He stumbles backwards from the harsh impact, causing him to turn his back to her in order to catch himself. Rey summons Luke's lightsaber back into her left hand, and ignites it. When Kylo turns back to his opponent, left and unprotected side first, Rey is ready to stab him in his left shoulder.

Kylo stumbles back some more, she brings her hands together for another strike leftwards, he barely blocks it, he stumbles back some more, it leaves his posture open, Rey strikes again, rightwards, lower this time, wounding his leg, he falls to his knee, leaving Rey the final blow to provide him with his scar.

The reason I started writing this entire ramble in the first place is a conversation I had with my friend which brought up the fact that Rey should be able to beat Kylo by using her rough, unpredictable moves. Shout out to my friend who, bless her, is willing to listen to and survives every one of my sw rants and who pointed this out in the first place!

Is this a good fightscene now? I have no idea. I hope so? I do have it very clear in my head now though, so I might go and have some fun storyboarding it in the nearest future.

You know the rest. The ground splits, she runs to Finn, Chewie picks them up. . . .

There are some more moments which I believe need some tweaks, like the meeting with Leia, which is just so unfair to Chewie, really, but if I go on and on about this, I would end up changing the entire movie, which I do not have the strength for atm. This ramble was supposed to be about Rey and her alone, so I am done here.

I guess in the end Rey does realise her needs and is able to let her wants aside for a bit longer and focus her hope on actually helping the Resistance and get Luke. Hope that, with finding Luke, she will get to understand these new powers. I do feel like the movie could have provided us with a more emotionally rich reactive scene to the fight and her abilities, and generally just more of those, but then, what am I expecting from a JJ Abrams film? We have Rian for that.

My conclusion? I'm bad with conclusions and summaries, so here you have it, my take on Rey by only adding to the existing dialogue, changing some attitudes here and there, adding a scene, and changing the fight sequence at the end and how she treats the Force.

I do have a clearer understanding of her character now, which was the entire purpose of this ramble, so I guess, mission accomplished. Congratulations on having made it till the end. It was a long ride. I did consider splitting this beast into 2 parts, but while writing this, at one point I just decided to fully commit to it.

You are totally free to, of course, agree with me and stay tuned for my WIP fanscript or disagree, never read through this thing ever again, ignore it and leave it to die on Tumblr's graveyard.

Before you ask, because I also considered doing that just for the sake of having fun with GIFs on Tumblr (all text gifs are taken from YARN btw), I will not do a post like this on TLJ, since I have no problems with Rey's character there at all. Props to Rian Johnson at this point, for managing to make sense of her with what TFA gave us.

[podracerbarrelroll]

Thinking of that post about parents who relentlessly track their kids' cell phone location and internet history and every move in the name of keeping them 'safe' without their knowledge or consent. Also about the article I read awhile back about the developing social expectation that parents not let children go anywhere alone (which I couldn't find, but this one is more recent and similar).

For one thing. In the United States, violent crime has decreased since the 1990s and drug use among teenagers has gone down overall since the 1970s (skip to the charts on page 161 if you want to click through them). The world is not actually more dangerous today than it was when Gen Xers or older Millennials were kids.

But I'm sure there are parents out there who think that any chance of bad things happening means they must keep as close an eye on their kids as possible or they're bad parents. Not using every tool at their disposal makes them irresponsible, and tracking phones is just what you do today because the technology is available.

To these people, I would like to say:

How would you have felt about your parents listening in on all your conversations on the house phone and routinely going through your room and reading any diary or journal you kept? My parents did that, and I can guarantee you that it did not feel good, and I am still (in my early 30s) extremely protective and possessive of my things and hate anyone touching my phone or computer without my permission for any reason.

Yes, your kid might do drugs, and they might be a victim of violent crime. Tracking their every move does not necessarily prevent that. However, it does make it more likely they will leave their phone at their friends' house when they're sneaking out to go to a party they didn't tell you about and then they don't have that phone to call you for help. It also makes it more likely that if something does happen, they will not go to you for help or tell you about it for fear of getting into trouble.

Parental monitoring works best when parents have good, open, and caring relationships with their teens. Teens are more willing to talk to their parents if they think their parents can be trusted, have useful advice to offer, and are open and available to listen and talk. Teens who are satisfied with their relationships with their parents tend to be more willing to follow the rules. Not by, y'know, subjecting them to your own personal surveillance state.

Children are not perpetual children. They are future adults and need to develop the very necessary skills of learning how to make their own decisions. Not allowing this is how you end up calling your adult children's college professors because they've fallen behind in classes, because you've created a risk-averse, conflict-averse adult with no idea how to manage their own schedule. (This is also how you get accidental conservatives obsessed with following the 'rules', but the other post describes that better.)

On that note, you cannot control your children their whole lives. They will eventually grow up and move out when they're eighteen or twenty or twenty-five if you insist on them living with you through college. If you've never let them go to a party or have a single alcoholic drink, how the fuck do you expect them to know moderation when they're older and the consequences for fucking up are worse?

Conversely, you may get a kid that grows up, leaves, and doesn't talk to you at all. My parents literally told me that I didn't have a right to privacy because I was their child and living with them. While I do still talk to my parents, I purposely put physical and emotional distance between them and myself when I left for college, and I do not and have never gone to them for life advice or for comfort when I'm having a hard time.

And finally. Consider finding out, ten or fifteen years from now, that your child is dating someone who tracks their cell phone location at all times, goes through their phone and computer at random, and restricts where they go and who they spend time with, perhaps because this person pays more of the bills. If you've shown your child that surveillance and isolation is love, how the fuck are they gonna recognize the hallmark signs of an abusive relationship?

Even my parents expected me to get to school and back by myself, either by walking or taking the bus, from the time I was in kindergarten. I spent a lot of non-school weekdays at the public library from the time I was in middle school. So, when I left for college and moved to a new town, I knew how to take the bus by myself and how to navigate an urban area without the advantage of a car and how to deal with being around other people in public. The idea of gen Z kids lacking even that experience is a fucking shame.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Michael Bowen

Published: Dec 3, 2023

Q: What does it mean to have “privilege” or a “privileged upbringing”? Is this just having parents with money, or is there something else involved?

A: Privilege is best understood as ‘a culture of success’. You may understand and expect this culture to help you out in life. There’s no guarantee that it will or that you will understand it properly, but chances are better than zero.

So growing up with money that you didn’t earn is not going to help you earn money. So just because you are a consumer doesn’t make you a producer. Just because your parents have a talent doesn’t mean you will have talent as well.

Here’s the best way to understand the difference. You could call the culture of success a pattern. Therefore the culture of failure is an anti-pattern. For example. People expect doctors not to be excitable but calm. If your doctor is nervous and jittery, he won’t be a success. People expect bankers to be conservative with money. A banker who wears a 40k gold chain is an anti-pattern. People expect rock stars to be rebellious. A rock star who dresses like a banker will lose her audience.

Adopting the culture of success helps you see who does and does not flaunt an anti-pattern. In many ways Elon Musk flaunts the anti-pattern of an engineer. He certainly has revolutionized his industries, so like I said, adopting the culture doesn’t guarantee success. Millions of engineers work for companies like Raytheon and Lockheed Martin. They switch employers all the time - it’s the same culture in aerospace, many of whom hold secret clearances. You have a ‘privilege’ if you know how to get a secret clearance in aerospace - but you’re simply conforming to the expectations of aerospace culture of success. If you don’t do so, you shouldn’t expect to get secret clearance.

If you grow up in a household where you have different manners and cultural behaviors than the people who run businesses, you can still be successful in business, but your chances are better if you understand and conform to the ‘unwritten rules’. Or maybe you’ll troll around for ‘life hacks’. It’s all the same thing, you wish your parents would have taught you X, Y and Z when you were a kid. Now you have to break your bad habit and learn a new skill and turn it into your habit. That’s difficult. If your habit is to take extra money that falls into your hands and bet it on football games or trips to Vegas, chances are that you’re not the kind of person who runs a good business and always meets payroll. If you grew up respecting gangsters with fat gold ropes, then you’re going to probably have a longer road to success as something other than a gangster.

There’s also the ‘black hole’ problem, which is that you don’t even know what your bad habits are. You think maybe your boss is being discriminatory against you because you always act like you know better. But you had untrustworthy parents and it was necessary for your survival to always second-guess them. So you think you’re being smart at work, but the boss thinks you’re just being insubordinate. You think every dog is vicious because where you grew up they were, so you don’t trust dogs or the people who own them.

There are very hard limits on what money can buy. It cannot buy trust. It cannot buy the habits of a culture. You can’t just put money in a plate or bribe a priest and then call yourself Catholic. You have to adopt the pattern. You can’t shadowbox your way into the UFC. You have to learn the moves and train. If your parents, smoke, drink or curse casually at home, maybe you think that’s how everyone behaves - and plus you only watch and enjoy movies where people do those things, otherwise you think it’s not realistic. So you think your habits are ‘keeping it real’ and then you’re surprised when people don’t treat you with respect in fancy restaurants, even when you’re spending all that money. People don’t just instantaneously change their attitude when you throw money in their faces. Well, maybe some people do - that’s their bad habit.

Here in Los Angeles, we have a lot of Mexicans who come from poor farming families. Maybe their parents have nothing more than an 8th grade education and don’t speak English. Well if those were my parents, I would think I’m doing very well if I speak English and graduate from high school. But not compared to kids whose parents are college educated and work in professions. On the other hand, if I run a trade business, like landscaping and I employ 12 workers and have 3 trucks full of tools and equipment, I have the pattern for that kind of success that a lawyer’s kid will probably never know. They’ll be lining up for the service I provide.

The biggest mistake people make is that they don’t take the effort to develop new disciplines and new skills because they think the game is fixed. These people simply don’t understand how labor markets work - again a failure to study a pattern of success. No you may never be an economist, but you should listen to economists. No you may never be a mathematician, but you should learn algebra. No you may never be a dentist, but your should brush your teeth. You may never teach English, but you should read books.

You should understand that there is a politics of talking about ‘privilege’ that lulls people into complacency so that they will believe their success depends on the destruction of ‘privilege’. That’s a trap. Everyone with desire and discipline can learn a culture of success. Just get after it yourself.

[donnerpartyofone]

One time when I should have been talking about how much my dead mother hated me or something, I stupidly mentioned to my therapist that someone said something annoying on one of my tumblr posts, and she went after me about what did I expect to get out of social media. She wasn't being sarcastic or hostile, she just kept asking me what were my expectations of publicly posting dearly held beliefs and opinions, or personal experiences; she asked me every time she was unsatisfied (it seemed) with my answer, and eventually we just changed the subject. I kept trying to guess if she had a specific right answer in mind; like, was she implying that I was secretly fixing for a fight, or masochistically putting myself in harm's way? Or was she trying to get me to admit that I was desperate for attention and compliments and I was just looking for them in the wrong places? I seemed to have a hard time explaining that I just love to write, that it doesn't bother me if only the same 4-5 people respond in any way, or if no one responds, and that being pestered and annoyed periodically (that is, not very often at all) is a risk I'm willing to take, but I still reserve the right to be annoyed. I'm only human, or something.

I started using tumblr toward the end of the awful abusive relationship that ate up my 20s. The guy was a crazed narcissist whose only motivation in life was impressing other people, or upsetting other people--anything that forced others to think about him and reflect back to him his personal power. He didn't do anything just because he enjoyed it, so it was very hard--actually impossible for me to describe to him the internal satisfaction I got out of writing and accumulating images for free on a free website. He didn't have the wiring necessary to understand that it was part creative process, part introspection, and part getting to know the world in a certain way. He kept asking me, "What do you GET for using tumblr? But what do YOU GET? BUT WHAT DO YOU GET?" while getting redder and angrier until we just had to stop talking about it. I eventually realized he wanted me to say, like, you get corporate sponsors. You get free shit. You get a book deal. You get famous. You get rich, people fuck you. He couldn't imagine any other reason for doing anything and he was as pissed off about the fact that I just enjoyed something, more or less privately, as he was about anything else about me.

The truth is I don't know what my expectations are. I think I know why I write, at least in part: I'm trying to be understood. I have felt misunderstood for most of my life (yes I know boo hoo), and I think that if I just keep refining and refining and refining the way I articulate microscopic experiences, then eventually it will become impossible for me to be misunderstood ever again. I became an art history major in college more or less by accident because I had no direction in life, and while it turned out that I had no particular talent for the discipline of art history (I graduated with a B- thesis that was called "a grand failure"), I learned a lot about how to verbalize extremely interior and abstract experiences, like that of perceiving art and trying to process its meaning. I usually use this for film now, my main love, which is so much about collaging sensory input to achieve a certain psychic effect, and less importantly about literal, literary-type content.

But who do I want to understand me? Very few people read my writing, will ever read it. And I have learned the hard way that you really cannot force anyone to understand you no matter how skilled you become at saying things or maintaining a paper trail; people just don't listen very well, they project, they twist the conversation into something they WANT it to mean instead of what it does mean, or very often people just want to have fights and they will refuse to hear anything that might resolve the exciting conflict they're having with you. I have had incredibly infuriating arguments about the meaning of individual common words that couldn't even be resolved with the help of a dictionary or sample sentences. Being a good writer or speaker (or listener, even) does not protect you from this.

I think that to a large degree I am trying to make myself understood to myself. I have always been very, very good at internalizing the voices of others, and this can make me doubt the content and quality of my own experiences. Against the influence of people who have disbelieved or ignored me, or tried to get me to believe things I know to be untrue, I write and write and write to submit my findings to an invisible judge and jury. They are all me. It may sound as if I am trying to prove what I believe is David Cronenberg's point about identifying with the body, or trying to debunk what I think Catherine Breillat is saying about human emotion, but secretly I am trying to prove to myself, through these incidental demonstrations of skill and rationale, that I do deserve to feel the way that I feel about the things of which I can no longer speak.

[ruvviks]

💥💤☕️🌙🙈✂️✏️🌟💗 for reid [:

oc asks!

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

reid is very bad at handling his guilt and any and all emotions that come with this- anger, grief, regret, fear, shame, sadness, you name it. he's very aware of how he lost himself in his corpo years and continuously wonders how much of that was part of the act and how much of it was actually him, and he's developed this sort of imposter syndrome over the years that makes him terrified people are gonna figure him out and leave him because of it

over time he gets better at letting go of the past and moving on from it, which helps with processing his feelings about it all but it's not something he will ever be able to let go. a fatal flaw were he to let it get out of control, but he knows when he's spiralling too far and doesn't isolate himself anymore like he used to, which gives others the opportunity to be there for him if he needs them

💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep?

when he's consistently taking his meds, reid falls asleep very easily because they tend to make him very sleepy. he tries to be alert at all times, but the second he gets too comfortable he's gone SO fast. being held by someone he trusts or simply sitting close to them allows him to let down his guard a little bit which makes it super easy for him to fall asleep

☕️ HOT BEVERAGE - do they prefer hot or cold drinks? what is their favourite drink?

reid surprisingly prefers cold drinks! he loves his coffee but there's a lot more variety for him in cold drinks, he likes orange juice a lot and iced tea too :) he also likes alcoholic beverages. maybe a little bit too much

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

reid doesn't have very big dreams anymore ever since he got out of maxtac. his greatest wish is for his boyfriend to stay with him forever. whether that is in a romantic relationship or as friends further down the line he really doesn't care much- though preferably the first- but he most of all just wants to spend the rest of his life with him if circumstances allow them to. he would burn down the whole city for it if he had to

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - whats a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

reid used to be an officer at maxtac and he was very strict and well-respected when still in the field. his quick thinking and efficiency in both the way he works as well as in the orders he gives are all valuable skills to have- but ultimately he does NOT want anyone to have to see that side of him ever again

he hates the person he used to be and doesn't want to order people around, even if it's just pretend or if it's necessary for the circumstances they find themselves in. he'd much rather let someone else take the wheel and if that doesn't happen and he's still forced into that position, he will hold back as much as he can

✂️ SCISSORS - what is the "last straw" for them to cut someone out of their life? how easily do they let go of people?

reid can cut people out of his life pretty easily, having a very clear set of boundaries and being very direct to those around him about them. he doesn't do it much anymore since he finds himself in a place where things can get talked out and he likes it much better that way, but if it had to happen again he wouldn't hesitate to do it

despite the ease of it all, reid does not ever truly let go of people. he carries a piece of them around with him at all times and if they were very close, they even shaped part of him so a part of him would literally be like that because of them and he cannot ever get rid of that. he mostly deals with it by pushing memories and feelings away but it's not a permanent solution since all of it resurfaces so easily for him

✏️ PENCIL - is there a particular quote / lyric that you associate with them?

🌟 GLOWING STAR - what do they think about when they look at the night sky? is there someone they want to star gaze with?

when reid looks at the night sky he feels calm. at ease. home. it's the same sky that he's looked at for all his life and it's the same sky that has watched over him for all those years- the same sky he used to look at with his sister when they would sneak out to stargaze together, the same sky he had his first kiss under, the same sky that saw him get together with cassidy and break up with him a few years later. it's a constant in his life that makes him feel so small but in a good way if that makes sense

he wants to stargaze with kitty (his sister) again most of all. she's back in night city now and reid has missed her tremendously and he wants to spend more time together with her again. and of course he wants to stargaze with his boyfriend :)

💗 GROWING HEART - if they have a crush, is it noticable? what changes when they're in love?

reid doesn't fall in love easily anymore but when he does, you can tell by the way he has very clearly found a reason to get up in the morning again. some days are still difficult and the job isn't always fun, but you can catch him waiting for them, looking out for them, making time in his schedule to say good morning and have a little chat. every single interaction would leave him with a bit more life to him than before

[ririretry]

A Brand Freaking New Year

My mom told me and my brother that we have to come up with some New Year's resolutions by the end of the week. I haven't started thinking about it, which is totally fine.

"It's only Wednesday," she says with no idea with what she wants her resolutions to be.

I'm not one that believes in New Year's resolutions. I used to, but then sometime, somewhere, someone on the internet told me that they're unsustainable. MAKES TOTAL SENSE! I agree! We write down a bunch of fluff that we think we can tackle by the end of the year, and by the 3rd week, we give up. That and my favorite argument that I always used was the whole, "why do you need one day to define your whole year" thing. Like, someone can make goals at any day of the year, why does it have to be January 1st - "if you really wanted to reach your goal, you'd start right now." And yeah, I get all of the sentiment. I understand. We're all little weak-minded individuals that need instant change and gratitude and can't handle the necessary means that it takes to set goals, fulfill them, and continue trudging through a generally sucky world.

But, here I am! About to write down some resolutions. I really think that I can do it this year. Looking back, I did do a few things on my vIsiOn BoaRd considering I looked at that thing once. It was very pretty.

ANyway. On with it

1. Reestablish healthy levels of dopamine

My only issue is my phone consumption and automatically, my social media consumption. THROUGH the roof. Embarrassingly too high. Makes me sick, frustrated, and unruly. I hate going on my phone, but I literally cannot help it. It really do be an addiction, so I'm gonna do whatever it takes to actually not be obsessed with my phone. Starting rn!! Timers to Snapchat and Youtube were set. I deleted Instagram off my phone because that's honestly an easier one to delete. Twitter and Instagram are still on my laptop, and I'm gonna keep that because I'm easily less likely to go on my laptop to scroll on the media. I also don't watch Youtube on my laptop that much?

2. Become my own best friend

Haha! I hate myself! Nothing new, but I’ve been slowly becoming my own friend again. Not yelling at myself all the time - allowing myself to make mistakes - not expecting perfection - not invalidating my own feelings - trying to build my own confidence again - being sure of my words and self even if I’m unsure, being sure of my uncertainty..... A lot. Yanno maybe take myself out on dates and make time for me. I just want to trust myself again, and be my own friend. I deserve that level of respect and love to myself especially if I provide that for my friends. 

3. Invest in my hobbies, skills, and interests

With my newly established dopamine, I will also make more times for things that matter in my life such as: painting, drawing, guitar, bass, podcasting, writing on here perhaps, etc.. This goes hand in hand with my first resolution, so hopefully this comes naturally. I am a little nervous because I have neglected these things before as I’ve gone on this journey multiple times. I am going to have to figure out how I’m going to allot time to these things. These things require effort, and being on my phone did not. I’m naturally a tired person, but maybe that was my phone. I dunno! We will SEE!

4. Create meaningful relationships

I haven’t been the type to maintain friendships. I’ve gotten better. I have three solid lifetime friendships, which is more than most people can say and I’m so endlessly grateful for them. I have 4-6 solid good friends, which is also awesome, and a bunch of acquaintances that easily could be great friends had I put a little more effort. I’m not looking for more friends because I am very content with the people that I have, but I do want to make every interaction I have with someone meaningful and positive. This requires a little more effort in reaching out, keeping and making plans, and establishing a solid friendship even if it doesn’t last forever. I say this mostly because I’ve closed myself off to people - mostly unintentional, and I want to understand others more. 

5. Mind, body, soul

Journal/Read, exercise/eat healthy, pray

Seems self explanatory, I’m pretty decent at like 1.5 of them. Praying is gonna be tough, but I do want to appreciate it more. But that want must turn into action, so I will pray. Maybe just listen at first, which I have done, but seriously like. It’s another outlet. I love my religion and what it stands for, so I should make time. 

6. Understand my career better

 Side quest, but a very important side quest. I wanna know what I might get into. How to do it. What can I do to understand it, so I wanna take a lot of time to really dig in and invest in my future. 

FINGERS CROSSED FOR NEW HORIZONS

[christmasintheloonybin]

so funny seeing right wingers discover what capitalism is and being opposed to it. I mean to say in the same way communists are, many American right wingers leaning towards libertarianism will say "hey, how come I'm making $16/hr on this job and my boss is making $200/hr for my labor?" the solution being, we all work for ourselves, we're all tradesmen and we all enjoy the fruits of our own labor. okay sure, on paper this sounds amazing, HOWEVER, you cannot be in favor of progress if you are opposed to capitalism. technological and social progress. the generally speaking great wealth and power of the United States only ever happened because of exploitation and capitalism. you need guys who do very little actual work investing money in other projects, expanding business, providing jobs etc. I'm not defending capitalism because I am also completely against progress. but the only way we could have a society of skilled workers who enjoy the fruits of their labor etc etc is in extremely small scale communities, which would be an extremely inefficient system if we are thinking in terms of social and technological progress.

also, let's be honest, most people do not have any kind of skill and have no desire to achieve a skill. most people are like animals in that they are content when there is a lack of physical suffering. they have no drive or will at all. what is to happen to them? should they starve? if we follow the principle of from each to each we would have probably at least a third of the population who have no desire to work and would only sit at home collecting rations (or whatever in a communist society). it could be argued in the soviet union or China "okay it's not great that we have to force all these people to work in factories but we are extremely underdeveloped and need to catch up with the west so for just a little while and then we can have real communism..." still this is not THE GOAL. but back to my point - then what do we have? exactly the same fucking thing in reverse! someone leeching off of you and making money off of your labor but without providing anything to the larger community. I think coercion to work is obviously a negative and unpleasant thing, but do you seriously think there is great fulfillment for the average dishwasher or sewage worker? these are unpleasant tasks that are only done because of CAPITALIST incentivization, and they NEED to be done in modern society. sure maybe a plumber or a cook or a blacksmith or whatever, a skilled laborer, is prevented today from reaching his full potential and when he can truly express himself and recieve the fruits of his labor properly then society will be fixed FOR HIM. but most people are not like this. even today in America welfare will guarantee you a quality of life that is MINIMAL, horrible for the western world especially in urban areas, but people will jump on it, why? because the labor they are coerced into doing is so unfulfilling, but this work is not only necessary for the functioning of a society but especially necessary for the PROSPERITY of a society like the United States. and in organized society the work now is much more unpleasant than ever before. in a natural setting it was maybe quite fun if tiring to gather firewood or plant seeds or whatever, and this was directly tied in with your life, but why should someone say "I'm going to go work sorting trash in a landfill just for fun." it's completely different, and maybe some people in theory really do care about society as a whole (I do not) but in reality only very small scale communities could compel the average person to give a fuck enough to do this unpleasant work. you see it. I don't want to clean up trash in the streets but I love my family and my neighbors and I want my community to look nice and be healthy. you see the results directly. but there is no real reason anyone with any sense would really be compelled to play some minute role in the production of something that would maybe better society but have no real impact on his life personally. ie capitalism AND communism, capitalism works because the capitalist will say "I don't care how you feel about it, you need to or you won't eat." the problem is not necessarily these two systems but MATERIALISM, LARGE SCALE SOCIETY, TECHNOLGY, AND PROGRESS.

[transientpetersen]

Having performed friendliness and having demonstrated friendship, I’ve resigned myself to the idea that the two are not particularly comfortable complements of each other. If this surprises, consider the innate opposition of their motivating sentiments.

Friendliness is a way of saying “I see you as a person of intrinsic worth, the same as all others of intrinsic worth”. My neighbors get friendliness from me. The librarian gets friendliness, the barista gets friendliness, the other members of the community garden get friendliness; none of them get friendship. I ask about their day, I ask how they’re doing, what changes are they making, how they’re coping with the next bout of <weather>, and I make the right expressions to leave them feeling heard about their triumphs and their sorrows. It’s more nice than it is good. It’s deeply impersonal. I helped move the things that needed moving and watched out for the packages and didn’t leave a mess that they’d have to clean up. But Scott and Ellie and Shadow and Eileen and Ivailo and… they don’t really know me and I don’t know them. They have just experienced the other end of the skill of getting people to feel I like them.

Friendship is a labor of “you are so important to me that I must have your happiness in my life”. I know my friends enough not to be nice to them all the time but, more importantly, to not be nice to others when my friends are in need. There’s nothing abstract or universalist about it, it is necessarily and essentially particular because they are mine, my particular people, and we are bound together by shared history and understanding and sentiment. They are more to me than others and I cannot give in general the depth of feeling or of effort that I make for them.

Deep friendship requires an exclusivity that is difficult for one with a big heart.

When I was a child, I believed like many children do that it is very easy to be a good person. To me, being a good person just meant being scrupulous about following a set of known rules. “It’s simple, if someone asked me to kill somebody then I just would refuse - even if they killed me for it” is pretty close to an actual quote and certainly representative of what I thought goodness demanded. At some point the image of a literal heart cast from gold became my mental metaphor for this morality of knowing the code and sticking to it no matter the cost. We can talk about what role religion had in delivering me the metaphor but for now I want you to take a second to think about how little nuance this model allowed. The rules are universalist, they come from outside and are immutable and your moral worth is bound up only in how well you perform them.

As a guide, it could not last and eventually, as I grew from a young child to a slightly less young child, I experienced a crisis. Without room for the particular and the personal, there was no room for either a natural selfish self-expression or for the investments in true friendship. One starts to realize the fundamental cowardice of only reflecting back into the world what you think it requires and failing to creatively generate any offering of oneself as a gift. The metaphor was falling apart and I imagined it as the heart of gold developing cracks that revealed the living flesh underneath, still weak as a hatching chick but clearly growing past its incubator. Rather than kintsugi over the cracks with more gold, I decided at the time that this was maturity and that true courage in the moment required that I leave my heart exposed. That is, that being open about what is uniquely valuable to you is laudable and moral behavior can flow from the expression of personal interest in people or pursuits. The golden chunks around the cracks are necessary still as guides (and therefore armor) but hardly sufficient to contain the entire complexity of a human life.

I haven’t thought about this in years as I’ve moved far beyond the earth shattering revelations of an unusually serious childhood. It’s just that recently I’ve been chewing over the unusual conflation of incompetence, innocence, and blamelessness that see being sought as a virtue rather than an grace of competence I would think is required to actually make manifest any goodness. And I don’t know, perhaps it was thinking on “Mineshaft II” again, but it occurs to me that my heart is well enough developed now as a muscle that any bits of golden heart eggshell that remain aren’t serving as shield anymore, that such that remains is only shrapnel and just as prone to infection as the muscle tries to grow into its place. That there’s nothing laudable about excusing weakness by pointing to one’s history and saying “but I followed the rules”. I believe I’m strong enough now to say rather that I sought to create goodness as best I understood, on my own authority and analysis. 

“I didn’t expect you to have so many emotions” - the sentence resonates with me. People find me calming because I am not effusive and they appreciate the lack of volatility when in otherwise stressful environments. But they’d be wrong to mistake me for some automaton with a golden heart. Where I’ve received well meaning compliments to such effect I’m saddened that they cannot see just how far I’ve grown beyond that conceit. Goodness is accomplished in applying competence to the particular and friendship is a richer vein by far than cold beneficence.