#but in terms of roleplay my brain is like What Is The Point

[roseyswords]

FULL MOON SPOILERS!!!!

So first of all..

I was not expecting to see the cherubs this episode. That... That was a big shock. Seeing them and their plotline was certainly interesting. It was funny seeing their reactions to just everything going on with Blitzø.

And speaking of Blitzø. Um fuck?! My heart that hurt!? "I think so highly of you. I didn't realize you think so little of me" like OUCH? I keep adding question marks to my sentences because my brain can't quite comprehend how it's feeling.

I find it really interesting that Blitzø brought up Stolas's imp butlers. This is a part that has stuck out with me really strongly. Cuz we've seen Stolas squeeze the shit outta one of them when angry on the phone with Stella. And it really makes me wonder just what kind of behavior has Blitzø exactly seen of Stolas interacting with his butlers. Because Stolas is a very rich man, who has only imps working for him and Blitzø noticed.

Which is funny because he notices literally nothing happening around him this whole episode. Which feels thematically relevant. He's always been oblivious to the more emotional side of Stolas's affection for him but that is also by design of how Stolas treats him. Remember Stolas is the same guy who used to get routinely bleeped due to his sheer level of hornyness. Blitzø has only ever seen their relationship through a sexual lens.

I also find it very interesting that he goes into that interaction already extremely worried and insecure and scared out of his mind that Stolas is tired of him. Which makes going in and being confronted with Stolas's emotions even more jarring and confusing for him. He's already coming in with an intense amount of anxiety with the singular goal of pleasing Stolas, which just highlights the unhealthyness of their dynamic that Stolas is trying to break away from.

Moving on to Stolas's mind for a bit. It has got to fucking hurt that when you finally put yourself out there emotionally and the other person immediately thinks you must be fucking with them. I think it really opened his eyes to how their relationship has truly been when Blitzø assumes that this serious conversation must just be some really weird roleplaying scenario.

And when Blitzø yells at him and reveals that he thinks of him as this rich pampered jerk, it is a startling difference of perception between the two of them that Stolas now has to contend with. It is so interesting to me how Stolas in this scenario is trying really hard to think about things from Blitzø's point of view in terms of how their deal must be affecting him, but he's also not prepared or emotionally equipped to think about how that must shape how Blitzø sees him as a person.

So overall that just leaves us with a lot of pain, and anguish, and a really beautiful episode.

And wow...that hurt.

[haliteatiger]

Happy Werewolf Wednesday, ya'll! We're serving up a big pot of tea tonight so get those cups ready!

Special thanks to Blackbackedjackal and King for their help in putting this together, editing, and especially to Jackal for being so supportive and encouraging. I'm very much not normally the type to do call-out posts, but people need to be aware of Dogblud, as she has hurt, not only myself, but quite a few others as well, and seems to have somehow gotten away with behaving like this for 20-odd years. I'm of the mind she shouldn't be allowed to do so any more, hence this post.

TL;DR - Beware of Dogblud, aka Ashryn, aka DogofBlud, aka ThatDogMagic. Very, very long post under the cut.

With everything happening with DogBlud and Blackbackedjackal's studio, I felt emboldened to come forward with my own experiences with her. This is something I've been carrying around since it happened roughly 2 years ago. It was one of the main reasons that put me off drawing werewolves, my own characters, or engaging any more in the fandom. I've hinted at it a few times but I've never had the energy to come forward and deal with the fall out. I wanted to move on with the rest of my life because IRL was more important than online drama. And I knew her behavior would come back to bite her sooner or later, regardless of what I did. 

It's been very validating to see that I was right.

It was around the time that Blud and I became friends that I was feeling a bit burnt out on werewolves. I'd been trying to pull together my own werewolf-related project for something close to 12 years. The past 4 years had also been pretty draining on me creatively and socially, as it had for a lot of artists with regards to the pandemic. I also had some IRL things I was dealing with: mainly with my marriage and transitioning between medications to manage my anxiety + bipolar.

Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to screenshot everything at the time. I do have logs from back when we roleplayed together. There are several conversations in them but because they were saved as text documents, they're pretty dubious in terms of solid evidence. 

It would have been better if I had taken screenshots as it was happening, rather than just saving the logs. With what I *do* have, however, I feel as though it may be enough to make the point that I'm trying to make, and to exhibit how horrible things got.

I'll provide some context.

I had talked with Blud on and off over the years, and we had always gotten along. We had a lot in common and after we had started talking more, our friendship eventually grew into a collaborative project. We were going to combine our stories and write a comic based on it. We had a lot of discussions on how Blud was reticent to do this in the beginning and how she wanted a contract to be made up so that in the event that something *did* happen, we could both walk away feeling like it was handled fairly.

Honestly, I should have listened to the first alarm that went off in my brain, when, in an act of ominous foreboding she said something along the lines of don't be so sure, it could happen. It was in response to me being like "we're getting along so well and share so much of a bond right now. I can't fathom that being a problem!" 

The contract never materialized. It was something we had decided to do *after* we had put together something of a prototype project to see how well we worked together. It made complete sense to me at the time as we were both eager to focus on the fun parts of writing and drawing together.

It was decided that I would be the lead artist (doing coloring and final lines) while Blud would do everything else (which was inking, layouts, and the majority of the writing). The both of us felt that she had more experience in those areas. I also believed that she had a better knack for it as well. I had felt that she had a better understanding of story structure than myself. And I thought that Blud had felt the same way about my art. That I had the experience to take point on that. 

Since I had collaborated with other artists and writers before, I attempted to approach the project with the same sort of professionalism I always do. Especially the projects that I genuinely thought stood a chance of being published in the future. We had started out trying to get a feel for each other's flows and rhythms. I had expected Blud to try and meet me in the middle of where our processes would potentially differ from one another, so that we could develop a fairly smooth workflow.

I had also expected, according to our discussions on the matter, that we would value each other's opinions on things and take them into consideration. We had such good synchronicity already.

In the beginning, there wasn't any unusual behavior that caught my attention. Blud was a bit uncomfortable with trying out new things but I did my best to accommodate her so that our project could move forward without too much turbulence. She had also mentioned to me before that she was autistic, and since my husband is also autistic, I knew how difficult it could be when it came to adapting to new routines. But when it was time for her to deliver the first set of layouts, it wasn't at all what I expected.

What I had expected was something with margins, clearly marked boxes, and figures that I could do rough lines over. I also expected notes that confirmed what we had discussed earlier about the project; that way I knew what she wanted or if there would be any changes. She took offense to this, feeling like I was violating our agreement. Though Blud did try to give me space with regards to the actual art, and while she would offer criticisms here and there, I trusted her opinion as an artist and as a friend. But apparently that didn't go both ways. In fact, Blud seemed to be offended that I expected more from her.

Blud agreed to concede. She suddenly seemed fine with the changes that I had asked for after seeing the layouts. I guess she was feeling overstimulated by the change and I might have been applying too much of a critical tone to her responses to begin with. I have had to deal with rejection sensitivity throughout my life and it's certainly prompted me to approach what people say to me online with a bit of scrutiny (sometimes too much).

And while I was mildly annoyed, although admittedly I was more concerned with Blud's overall reaction to my asking for clarification about several things in the layouts, I let it go. But it seemed like there was a problem. The majority of my ideas were either rejected or outright overridden with Blud convincing me that my faulty memory had made me unable to remember what we had agreed upon. Or that I might have been misremembering in my own favor.

There was one time where we were discussing a monster's design. Blud had already decided to settle on one design that she had come up with, even as I continued to offer other suggestions. The story was to take place in my setting, so I was under the impression that I got to decide what kind of creatures should populate it. The conversation ended somewhat ambiguously. I had assumed that we'd come to a solid conclusion later. 

I came back the next day and it turned out that we were using her design because that was what we had decided on. "Don't you remember? You really need to do something about that faulty memory of yours, Tek. I can't be doing this for you all the time."

At which point, Blud would go back and meticulously scour the conversation until she managed to find a set of lines that would make it seem as though I had 100% agreed. Even when I tried to explain that I had meant something else, she took it as an affront on her inability to understand nuances due to her autism.

I admit that my memory isn't that greatest at times, but I've never had anyone complain about it before. And none of my friends have ever minded providing reminders to me if I did misremember something incorrectly. We all forget stuff at times, right? It's *still* something that I'm self-conscious about because (like a lot of people with ADHD) my memory seems selective at times. This was, apparently, a problem that I needed to manage. 

And even as I'm remembering these incidents to the best of my ability, I've already spent so much time recounting all of this to friends. I feel confident in my recollection. There are some details that may overlap or become entwined with other things, but it all basically tells the same story. Especially in conjunction with what's been said by others. You're free to take it as hearsay since I do not have screenshots to back this up.

I will mention (since I've been told it's something that Blud has taken particular interest in) that at one point, I did have a crush on her. I was having some problems IRL, and it was nice to have someone whom I felt actually understood me. I also felt like I saw a lot of myself in her. I think that, at one point, I did describe her as the kind of "girlfriend" I would want. Blud seemed to indicate the feeling was mutual.

Between our collaborative partnership and all of the details we shared about our lives, it did feel like an intimate relationship at times. I had no intentions of pursuing it. We were not compatible in our romantic and sexual identities, and I had no intention of leaving my current partner for her.

I had begun to notice red flags, even if I wasn't ready to accept them yet.

I've had experience with abusive relationships in the past but they were in person, and not online. I knew what to look out for and yet I was being willfully ignorant about our friendship. I wanted to give Blud the benefit of the doubt. I wanted the project to work *so* badly that I was willing to work with her increasing demands as the months went by.

I had no idea that those demands would change into, quite literal, temper tantrums. It would then trigger my fawning response which was due to an abusive family situation that I had dealt with before I moved to Canada. The tactic was this: concede to someone until there was a time that they either understood reason or I had the chance to use it against them if necessary.

I started to take screenshots. I wish that I had taken a lot more of them so that everyone could get a better idea of what was happening. I did go back and manage to record the majority of the first outburst. It was the first inkling I had that Blud wasn't playing with a full deck of cards. I knew that that would be one of the first conversations that she would promptly delete. And consequently, I was right.

This assortment of screenshots will exhibit the first serious confrontation that Blud had with me. I am absolutely *not* proud of how I handled this. I was literally panicking at the time and doing whatever I could to get her to calm down. Because I have a temper that can look similar to this in person, I knew that I had to wait until the post-tantrum clarity would hit Blud. I tried my best to not lose my own temper in turn but looking back, I feel that I came off as sounding too timid.

I didn't want to ruin this project.

I wanted to make a comic with an individual that I admired and respected as a fellow artist. And, with me not knowing how to respond, my main priority was to not make things any worse than they already were.

Below is the conversation in its entirety:

I had taken this screenshot on my phone after I had stepped away to compose myself. Blud had handled the confrontation and criticism with a reasonable amount of apprehension. But what had not occurred to me was that I could have said something that would remind her of past experiences with a roleplaying group.

It was something that had evidently scarred Blud for life.

I took away the wrong things from what she had told me, choosing to focus on the aspects of the "betrayal" that had appeared to bother her the most. And in hindsight, I did not see the correlation. I was genuinely apologetic that I had hurt her feelings.

But I *will* critique Blud for her poor handling of the situation. Whether or not I had hurt her feelings, no one is entitled to act like this or claim that this is what attempting to resolve a problem should look like.

I wasn't sure on how to initially respond to Blud. It had been ages since I'd had to deal with someone flying off the handle like that.

The following screenshots are where the conversation picked up, after she had already deleted the above message:

We had weathered the "storm" and after Blud calmed down, she was ready to communicate. There was a part of me that was genuinely sincere when I apologized to her. I did mean it when I said that I had no intentions of hurting her and that I hadn't considered how my statement would sound to her.

I had hoped that this had been a stress response due to factors outside of our collaboration. And especially when I took into account how she had interacted with me in the past. I knew that Blud had a lot going on IRL, and that she had already put a considerable amount of energy into this project.

I had taken her meltdown more personally than she could perceive that I would, because this was something that was acceptable to her. She had a "condition" that would absolve her of these abhorrent meltdowns and I needed to get used to them if we were going to continue working on that project together.

I was shaking the entire time we were typing in the chat.

I was sincere in my responses. I really did want to work things out with Blud and give her the benefit of the doubt. I could have been taking the things that she said too personally or maybe I had been reading too much into the situation. Was there a chance that I could have been misreading her outburst? I tried my best to keep an open mind though I was still somewhat baffled by the fact that she would have meltdowns as often as she did.

I confided in my husband and some other friends about the situation. They were also bewildered by Blud's actions.

By this point, I was struggling with the reality that this collaboration was most likely *not* going to work out but I still wanted to try. I still cared about Blud. We would still hang out together and talk about things like music, our characters, or our stories.

While I did have the foresight to go back and screenshot this section, I wasn't fast enough to get screenshots of everything else that I will be going over. Blud *did* admit to going back and deleting certain exchanges due to a mixture of shame; not wanting to look at them when she would scroll through our conversations. 

In retrospect, it was very telling.

And even after that meltdown, I still enjoyed the friendship that I had with her. I kept my guard up but I was willing to make compromises on her behalf if it resulted in better communication between the two of us. Blud made me promise to immediately tell her if I had a problem with something. I also agreed to keep notes of our conversations.

It worked for the most part.

In the end though, it became apparent that Blud wasn't willing to do the same for me (even after we had an extended conversation about it). I then realized that I had been tasked with basically *managing* her autism for her. I was already busy with my supposedly "bad memory" at the time; and Blud was more than ready to scroll back up through our conversations to cherry-pick a line or two of text to remind me of what was said earlier.

Because, for her, circumstances couldn't ever change. If they did, it would mean that Blud had lost control of the situation and that she was in the wrong. She could *not* be in the wrong. 

And if she was in the wrong? It would take solid evidence, three witnesses, and a court of law to prove it.

She had two other major meltdowns after this. I managed to step away from communicating with her through one of them and I don't remember the other meltdown lasting very long. She immediately deleted the texts of both of those instances before I could take screenshots of them.

It seemed like I could do nothing right when it came to Blud, no matter the lengths I would go to accommodate her. I knew that it was a common tactic used by abusers. I finally accepted that our partnership wasn't going to work out and I began thinking about an exit strategy. The final straw was when she began to expect me to be at her beck and call.

I had promised that I would be there for her, within reason, and I was willing to offer reassurances whenever she would ask me for them. The promise had been made back when we had first started to talk to one another with more frequency, before Blud had shown me her true colors. I would end up completely underestimating just how badly she would need reassurance.

To be frank, I underestimated a lot about Blud in the beginning.

I would end up mentioning that I enjoyed my space in several different conversations with her. That there was a chance that I might be offline for several days so I could take care of things IRL and recharge my social batteries. I'm somewhat of a recluse. And an adult who enjoys things that aren't online.

She said that it was fine.

I became incredibly anxious when I would talk to Blud, especially after her somewhat abrupt change in personality.

I then attempted to put my foot down about boundaries and this is what she had to say:

I decided to walk away for a bit and I came back after I had had some time to think things over. This wasn't healthy for either of us. I wrote a couple of sentences to say goodbye to Blud before I blocked her. I knew that my actions would probably infuriate her. She had told me in the past that she *hated* not being able to have the final word... which she was able to do through email:

“And I'm not letting you pretend you have control over the situation, or the high ground. You distinctly have neither. But since you're determined to stick to your 'principles' on this, I've decided to make it easier for you.”

She thought that she was absolved of all sins just because I had said that I would stand by her at her worst. And at the time that I said that, I had no idea that her worst would be her trying everything possible to protect her boundaries while stomping all over mine. It didn't matter what she said or how often she would apologize when I would confront her. She kept doing it.

I admit that I wasn't perfect in this situation either.

There were times when I was condescending, critical, or downright mean when I talked to Blud because that was the way I had felt when she was talking to me. I soon realized that it didn't matter either way. I could have been using the friendliest tone imaginable and she still would have perceived it as either mocking or dismissive on my end. There were even a few times where I would preface my explanations with an advisory “please know that I am not attacking you and try to read this in an understanding tone,”etc. I would then post an explanation I had spent hours picking at to ensure that there was no way she could misinterpret the intent. Even so, she still read the majority of what I said as criticism and would take it to heart.

I never expected Blud to do something that made her uncomfortable; nor did I expect her to overextend herself when it came to our project. I would go out of my way to make sure everything was fine when we would talk about it. I only expected mutual respect in return.

When we would get into discussions (arguments), she would never attempt to understand my point of view or let me explain myself. It would have made it about me when it should have been about Blud and her needs. She sometimes would agree to come to a compromise about something, but only if I would admit that I was in the wrong.

I know that if Blud was to look at these screenshots, she'd be incredulous that I'm trying to distract from the horrible things that *I* did. And those horrible things that I did? I tried my best to work with her.

It wasn't just her poor teamwork that bothered me. It was her attitude and the lack of respect that she showed me. She would never ask me to clarify something that I said; always assuming that it was a criticism against her. I can only speculate that Blud did not want to hear about how any of this was her fault, like in the email she sent me.

I don't know if I was actually her friend at any point. Friends make efforts to understand one another. Ideally, they’d want their friendships to continue, and they would want everyone to be getting along and having fun. She seemed to actively defy that.

I would argue that things like this don't just happen in a vacuum. There's almost always a reason for such things, but it's honestly a mystery to me as to where this vitriol comes from. I don't know why Blud sees monsters in every word, especially if they come from a  "friend". 

I've seen her viscously mock herself during meltdowns; it seems like she hates herself and expects everyone else to hate her too. I think that she wants it to be the truth, so that it validates the feelings she has about herself. The behavior patterns that I'd been exposed to are consistent with the idea that Blud is seeking confirmation about the personal assumptions she has about herself. It's what makes her so volatile to those around her. Yet, she refuses to break the cycle.

I hope that she can make that choice in the future but at this point, I'm not holding my breath.

[savshaikyuu]

                       𝙎𝙐𝘽𝙈𝙄𝙎𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉

Hi, if you're comfortable can you make NSFW headcannons for denki, kirishima, iida, bakugo, and if possible on another post during any point in time for ushijima, daichi, and kags. Could the read be female and dark skin also I'm not sure if you include body weight but could she be chubby. And for the denki and daichi one could you put in spitting and biting if you're comfortable of course. This is my first request so sorry if it's too long but I read your terms and wanted to try to be as detailed as possible while trying to make it make sense and could you keep me anonymous. Have a great day!

Ushijima | Daichi | Kageyama x Dark Skin!Chubby!〚FEM〛Reader

warning(s): sexual content, multiple positions, spitting kink, biting kink, roleplaying kink, established relationship.

read more: bnha ver.

a/n: woooo okay 3rd haikyuu work! and this request was actually perfect? like this is an example of how detailed but not excessive a request could be hahaha so no worries! so sorry for taking forever my love. and to clarify yes this is their time skip adult selves. thank you, anon!

USHIJIMA

PLEASEEEEE the way this man will handle you so fuckin' easily. he doesn't need to brag or tease, he has so much dominance when he does it, it's INSANE.

Ushijima is such a big fan of fucking you when he's standing.

like he loves the fact that he can hold you up and have you clinging to him as he fucks you good.

the position also gives him the nice chance to look at the way his fingers squeeze your chub, loving how your body just effortlessly molds to his.

loves to give you lots of sloppy kisses and is one to be in between your thighs like clockwork. </3

your thighs has to be his favorite part of you high-key low-key if you know what I mean,,,

he literally avoids positions where your legs aren't wrapped around him and or can't see your face.

you're a whole package deal he doesn't want to miss out on, plus he loves the way you grab at him during sessions where he really toys with you.

if he does do anything with your back facing towards him, it doesn't last for long.

he so in love with you he wants to see (and hear you) enjoy every second of it.

DAICHI

Daichi is the type of guy to be at your mercy no matter the shape.

although he does like seeing you ride him. that is an immediate 10s across the boards for him.

regular cowgirl or reversed it doesn't matter, he just likes seeing you work yourself on his cock and the light layer of sweat that dews your skin because of it.

is a fan of licking you up and biting the places he feels. there's no rhyme or rhythm at all.

it's almost like when he's making love with you he just goes by whatever his brain says next.

bite her thigh? okay. spit on her cunt before demolishing it? sounds perfect.

as long you both know your limits, you two are so very raw and open to each other.

it's literally like… mindless.

just seamlessly into each other and enjoying the moment.

it's what he loves you best in moments like that. <3

KAGEYAMA

he has a bit of a… role-playing thing to be honest.

like Kageyama wants to see you in his fan jerseys and like, fuck you in them.

you being his biggest fan in daily platonic life is what keeps him going, but you playing a part of being like an excited groupie is what keeps his cock up jjfchdfhh

sorry you cannot convince me he wouldn't be into that. 😭

like he definitely outgrew his ego… but when it comes to you?? he's the MAN!

he feels as though when you guys do stuff like that he's relieving his best moments in a different way.

feels like you understand him and doesn't shame him.

if there's ever anything you want him to do to he is 100% super willing to do it too.

does not mind at all because of his much you have done for him. :')

unexpectedly sweet ik but like the fact he doesn't have to feel ashamed or hide kinks makes him so open and relieved to be around you!

usually when he's feeling extra greatful, he fucks you harder with a bit more kisses and passion.

      🏐 all rights reserved © 🏐

[danwhobrowses]

So there was a Callowmoore question on 4SD which has got people talking and since nobody will ask me about it I'm gonna get it out of my brain anyway.

For someone on 4SD as frequently as Taliesin, Callowmoore questions are rare and I think that partly comes from us fans not wanting to try and steer him but also because his answers tend to be complicated. He's quite plain with other stuff, but a lot also gets offered into interpretation when it comes to Ashton and Fearne.

And granted, we Callowmoores would love for him to pull a Liam and just up and say Ashton has feelings for her, but I think we all know that's not Tal's way; aside from the nuggets of wisdom, killer one-liners and unique homebrews, we tend to love Tal's characters for their actions and expressions, some of which subtle and rewarding to those paying attention. For this reason I have had to mull over this one minute answer for most of my day and figure out what I think he means by it, like blue curtains in a book.

To note though, 'I think' is the operative term, but I also don't believe that Tal has left Callowmoore better or worse by his response.

One of the interesting things I want to point out is that my interpretations are observing the divide between Taliesin's words and his roleplaying; it is not to say that Tal is being dishonest in his answers, but I also see it as the answers are what Ashton thinks and his roleplay is how they feel.

So no, Ashton isn't 'precious' about Fearne wandering off when sleeping beside each other, if she said no or came back safely it wouldn't have bothered them, and it's fair for Ashton to have preferred Fearne to have woke them up. And yet that doesn't deny the reaction Ashton had waking up to find her gone and fearing that she's in danger, and not there to help her; the panic, the anger, the impatience are all clear and instinctive reactions Ashton is having that imply that her being with them is important. They're not precious about Fearne waking up and leaving the bed before they wake, and yet they'll still smile upon waking and finding that she's still there.

The 'Adventurers with Benefits' is one of two comments I can see being used maliciously against shippers, but it's worth reminding that on the last Callowmoore question Tal was asked, he mentioned that Ashton doesn't believe that someone would love them. Ashton feels unlovable, and yet they still ask for intimacy with Fearne, leaning further into their connection but also not pressuring her into commitment. It's also worth pointing out that this is still a slow burn, even Jester questioned whether her feelings for Fjord were legitimate or a romanticized fantasy at one point, and Ashton is not privy to Fearne's feelings for them. Ashton frames it as Adventurers with Benefits because they don't allow themselves to entertain the idea of Fearne reciprocating feelings for them, and yet their impulse to kiss her before absorbing the shard, to frequently engage in physical contact at a growing rate, to playfully steal and share each other's clothing, the desire to defend her from harm or anyone that might have ulterior motives, and to willingly do anything and everything just for her to smile in their direction again, that paints more of a picture than just benefits.

Which finally gets us to Ashton's theory of love. Tal mentions that Ashton believes that love is 'wanting to trust somebody, but not trusting them'. Immediately: No, haters, I don't think this means Ashton doesn't trust Fearne, nor do I think it means that Ashton trusts Fearne so they don't love her. Ashton trusts all the Hells (well, maybe not Braius since they just met), but Fearne is special to them in a different way, they've already platonically said that they loved her when they first were using their titan forms. In addition, this could be an elaboration of the last time Tal brought up Ashton's opinion of Love on the post-shard Callowmoore question: 'love is ignorance and adorableness'. This is another thing that can develop, elaborate and/or change over time, but at the current moment Ashton's interpretation of love can come from environment; Imogen wants to trust Laudna but can't wholly trust her given Delilah, but even Ashton can see that they love each other. Tal also mentioned that Ashton is not very experienced in relationships - which kinda plays into my belief that Ashton and Fearne, while have had relationships, haven't had deep romantic feelings or proper intimacy before, which makes them discovering it with each other more special - so their understanding of love can only exist on what they assume it's like.

And yet what if you reworded the phrase in the same spirit? 'Love is trusting someone wholeheartedly even with nothing to reassure it', there have been many a time something looked to go south and faith was put in another anyway; the shard may be a bad example because it did go wrong but even though the red flags were there Ashton upon completing the process said 'thank you for trusting me', when Fearne took the shard Ashton was a bag full of panic their experience meant they couldn't trust that the shard wouldn't be just as bad for Fearne, and yet they still wanted to trust that Fearne would succeed. Ashton couldn't trust that whenever Fearne was wild shaped, cornered by Otohan, or taken away by Ira on Ruidus that she'd come back safe, and yet still wanted to trust that she would, Ashton couldn't confirm that Fearne wasn't a Doppelganger in Nanna Mori's trust trial - even when FCG and Imogen suspected it was her - and yet they still wanted to trust that it was her. Ashton's view on love may not be entirely right but it's not entirely wrong either, what is blind faith if not ignorant and adorable? Even with their interpretation, Ashton has put plenty of faith in Fearne even when the risk was high.

In conclusion, Ashton's behaviour towards Fearne do often imply a complexity rather than a discrepancy to Tal's 4SD statements, that maybe Ashton's emotions and subconscious are not in sync with their self-doubt driven thoughts, perhaps it is the way Ashton tempers their feelings to try and not get hurt by them or cause Fearne to get hurt by them again. Ashton's apology to her post-shard made a point of noting how she means a lot to them, and how hurting her was one of the worst things they have done, and as they work towards self-improvement and self-discovery, there will likely be a point where self-realisation comes into play too, and they can understand why what they're thinking differs to how they're feeling.

Again, this is all interpretation, speculation and observation, one that like the core statements doesn't add or subtract but fills in some gaps either way. Ashton's feelings are a complicated matter, which is likely why Tal entices and creates such speculation with a complicated answer. Right now Ashton clearly does care for Fearne and share a special relationship that's regrowing after suffering tension, loss and fear, blooming back into trust, joy and comfort, but save 5 Disney Greek Muses backing him up in a Gospel song they're not just gonna out and say they're in love

And Yet...

[antimony-medusa]

As we all engage with the Egg arc on QSMP, I know we're all having a fun time talking about how emotionally devastating it all is, but I have seen some concerning takes about this, so I want to also reiterate that it is fiction. It's not real.

You can have real emotions about fiction (talk to any D&D player whos run a long campaign about this), but it is essentially fake, it is something you can box up and put away. And if you think you can't tell the difference between a fictional roleplay and real life child death, you need to step away.

Cause like, I have been seeing people comparing egg deaths to real life tragedies, and like. Guys. That's just offensively disrespectful. I do not want Chayanne to die. I'm team "storm heaven and get all the eggs back". I want the happy dragon ending. I have also had real life children die in my life and equating a pixel egg despawning to that makes me actually mad. We can have fun with it but this is fiction and you need to be clear to yourself that it is fiction. The QSMP admins are not "responsible to give you a happy ending" because it is essentially not real, they are ethically responsible for how they treat people in the real world (the players and the admins) not for what happens in the story they are telling.

There are two aspects of this that are important. The first is the most basic. Fiction is not real. It's lies we tell ourselves recreationally. No real people were harmed. No one actually died. The egg's admins are fine and now playing league of legends on stream. You can have real emotions about fiction, but you can also take comfort in the fact that the bad thing didn't actually happen. This allows you to engage with topics that you would never want to happen in real life (horror media, for example), in an entertaining way. Fiction is a safe spot to explore really concerning topics, whether that's something you're afraid of, something that has happened to you, or something that you'd never want to see happen in real life but it scratches that brain itch. And that isn't intended to say that you have to be comfortable with every topic in fiction. Suicide themes even in fiction are too close to real life for me, so I stay away from them. You get to set your own comfort levels with what fiction you're comfortable with. And that leads into my second point. The essense of fiction is that you are opting into it. Except in vanishingly rare cases, if you are engaging with something fictional, you are giving ongoing consent to engaging with the story by continuing to watch/read/listen to it. At any point you can tap out and step away, back into real life. You have the power to control your experience and say "yes I am watching this" or "no I do not want to engage with this actually". You can take the headphones off. You are an active player in how you deal with the fictional story, and if it gets too much for you, you get to step away. You get to write fanfiction and it is just as real as the original. If someone is dying in real life, no amount of blocked terms and telling your friends not to discuss it is going to keep it from happening. It is inescapable. It happens to you, it is enacted on you, you are a passive figure and you have no control. The only thing you have a control over is how you react to it, and this is why a huge element of grief is the powerlessness.

You have power over fiction. You can opt out of it. And if you can't tell the difference between a fake story and real events, a) you need to do work on that, because there is a lot of really upsetting content in fiction that is going to fuck you up, b) you need to step away from the fake story that is doing harm to you, and use that power that fiction gives you to opt out of it. Block terms. Unfollow people. Go do something in real life. Fiction is not real.

[makeastand]

‎‧₊˚✧looking for new long term discord rp partners✧˚₊‧

Hi everyone! I’m not new to roleplaying at all, and am looking for a handful of new writing partners, though I have absolutely no self control and can’t say no to anyone with a good plot. I get too invested in roleplays and can ramble on for days about a rp / character I love.

long ass post alert:

I’m 24 and have been roleplaying for about 10 years now. Please be 21+ before interacting (I will be checking and blocking if not) My time zone is GMT, but I don’t mind where my partners come from. I’ve been having so much inspiration recently and am dying for some new roleplays. I’m a real sucker for writing deep and complex characters, and very much enjoy writing for the plot and character development as opposed to poorly written smut just for the sake of it. If it fits in with the rp I’m happy to write smut, or fade to black, whatever you’re more comfortable with.

I work full time, and stupid hours, so I’m not always about, but I’ll try and let you know what’s going on.

I like writing the male role in MxF, and also love MxM. I love playing multiple characters in a rp, but you’re welcome to play as many or few as you like. The guys I play are pretty well thought out, with lots of depth, background, emotion, and usually a bunch of trauma (so please tell me your limits in advance). All I ask is your character is not dry and impossible to work with. I’m not stupid, and know when I’m being used for my male / dom muses so if you present me with an overly subby character who’s lacking personality, you will be blocked, sorry.

I prefer quality over quantity. Like I said, I can get carried away and write pages upon pages, but if you can only manage a couple of good paragraphs, that’s fine with me. I’ll try and match your length in replies as long as they’re not one liners.

In terms of plot, it would be easier to list the things I don’t love. There are a few plots which have been nagging at my brain recently:

zombie apocalypse

horror

tough guy x soft girl / guy

mafia related

I hate everyone but you trope

victorian era (preferably MxM)

noblewoman x poor man

celebrity x celebrity

haunted house

stripper x gang member

friends with benefits

small town / murder mystery

right people wrong time / ex friends or lovers reuniting

criminal x criminal

AI takeover (DBH style)

older, religious, inexperienced man x man whore

high school

fantasy (werewolves / vampires)

I can’t get rid of these two bullet points below and tumblr is making me violent so I’m going to wrap things up here. I’m going to try and get an updated list with my face claims / oc’s on my blog soon, so watch this space. I’m not one to pick your faceclaim, and you don’t have to use one if they’re not your thing. If you’ve read this far, thank you. Sorry this is so long! Please message me with what plot you’re interested in, because I’m trying not to get shadowbanned again.

[classpect-crew]

The Heir of Hope: Plurality and Personal Narrative

It took plurality, of all things, to realize that my greatest strength lies in Hope.

Hope is the Aspect of fantasy realized. Those who wield it are like the Magician of the tarot, capable of shaping the world according to their whims. With each thought, as Terezi wisely points out, we are helping to create our own reality; in the Domain of Hope, there is no greater truth. The Hopebound are storytellers and passionate consumers of media. They are the center of their own narrative, at times unable to conceive of anything outside of it. They may even strip other people of their agency—of their Life—in an effort to force them to make sense in their existing worldview. Dissenting allies become obstacles at best, and enemies at worst. And yet, should they yield ground to the autonomy of others, allowing the story to ‘write itself,’ they will find themselves swept up in a much more meaningful adventure than they could have possibly imagined.

Hope is the Aspect of the imagination, brimming with ideas and just waiting for an outlet to fully realize them in the material world. It is the Aspect of magic. It’s the reason I’ve been able to treat the Classpect system as a foundation for performing magic myself, seeing the world in terms of the Aspects, a bit similar to the way the ancient Greeks saw the four elements of fire, water, earth, and air reflected and embodied in all things. I now understand my recent obsession with restarting over and over in Baldur’s Gate 3 as an imbalance between Heart and Mind: in order to avoid addressing my latest identity crisis, I’ve tossed myself into a roleplaying game with a million different possibilities, and I’ve exhausted dozens upon dozens of hours trying to play every possible role, wearing every possible mask, creating every possible character.

I’m a storyteller—it’s in my blood. My father, and his father before him, and every relative of his that I’ve known have all been the same. Our family reunions were filled with wild tales sprinkled with half-truths, like the time my dad came across a particularly randy buck in the middle of the street—he swears he saw the buck stomp his hoof and wink—or the way my great uncle got his glass eye after a hunting trip when his own father mistook him for a turkey. My maternal grandmother is the same way. I named myself Taliesin in honor of that, and also to tap into some part of a greater legacy of storytellers, just like the historical and mythological Taliesin himself, and all those who have taken his name before me.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had more people in my head than I’ve known what to do with. I have a veritable menagerie of colorful characters, some going back many years, who have taken up residence in my brain folds. It never occurred to me that they could become more than just puppets for me to play around with, reflecting my own dreams, desires, and fears in a way that felt safe. Separate. That was before one such puppet, Vivienne, cut her own strings, looked me dead in the eye, and told me “I want to be real, too.”

She did so not long after taking control of my body when I was in a cannabis-induced haze, speaking to my girlfriend in a voice that definitely wasn’t mine. When I came out of it, she asked “was that an invocation thing, or a headmate?” (I’ve had a few experiences with invocation, when a deity decided I could help one of their followers by passing along a message that, frankly, could have been an email.) I determined fairly quickly that although it wasn’t mine, the voice was coming from my own head. Thus began a long and very weird journey navigating my plural identity that all began when a character I’d had for a dozen years decided she wanted a chance at experiencing sentience.

It was eerily reminiscent of Brain Ghost Dirk, a sort of thoughtform that becomes real for a while because Jake believes in him that much, but also because so much of Dirk’s journey involves splitting himself off into different versions of himself. The more I interact with Viv, the more real she becomes. It feels like the effort is mutual, as if she’s using our conversations—among other, more intimate interactions—to become a fully fleshed-out person, joining me in my head as someone with her own agency, rather than just a sort of ‘hack’ my brain was using to override executive dysfunction.

When I discovered the practice of ‘tulpamancy,’ though controversial in some circles, it occurred to me that I could perform a feat like this willingly, given enough time and effort. Still, while the tips I found were helpful, I never really found them necessary for my own work. Hell, I was already doing it with Vivienne, working intuitively with her in ways that just made sense. It was something that came to me naturally, and still does. It feels like a natural gift—like an inheritance. I inherited the ability to dream up these stories, these characters, and make them real. Anyone who’s spoken with Viv, especially in person, can speak to the fact that she and I are distinct in a way that’s profound and meaningful.

There are many other connections I’ve made with the Heir of Hope: the soul-deep wellspring of faith and optimism that I’ve been able to draw from in the darkest times of my life, or the incredible effects of my religious journey as I’ve explored the vast reaches of conviction and doubt alike. Yet, those feel too obvious, too much like low-hanging fruit to write a whole damn essay about. That’s why I’ve written instead about the legacy my family has left for me, and the ways I’ve turned my storytelling into a source of personal power.

I’m not just the center of my own narrative, but also its author. At the same time, there are millions of characters, just like me, who are entitled to their own agency. They exist within my head and without it, living out their own lives, becoming more and more real with every thought, every word from their lips like cobblestones on a road to self-realization. There are times when I need to put down my pen and just take it all in, without trying to take control of the story or change somebody else by force.

I am a storyteller. I am a captive audience member. I am a character in a narrative as big as the universe itself. I am the Heir of Hope.

[guardiangeologist]

Luigi's Uncharacteristically Large and also maybe Haunted House (3DS Edition): A Highly Professional Review

The entire time I've had this blog, I haven't really been sure what to use it for. I've settled on spewing my unscripted thoughts on whatever Game of the Week I've played most recently because, quite frankly, where else are they gonna go? I love my girlfriend, but these words are destined for a wider platform. I must expand my horizons. So here I am, talking about cartoon ghosts and green vacuum-wielding Italian men on the internet.

Now, let me tell you, this green man and his stupid house have been in control of my entire brain like some fucked up Italian Ratatouille for at least 10 years. I was a Luigi's Mansion Kid. What do I mean by that? I mean I roleplayed Luigi's Mansion on the school playground when I was in the 3rd grade. With the other Luigi's Mansion Kids. So it's safe to say I have some experience when it comes to this game. At times, he goes dormant. He waits patiently for another hyperfixation to pass. However, just when I least expect it, he returns from the grave (almost like a ghost?) to stage a military occupation of my frontal lobe to last the next few months.

So, there's my history. I ended up finally picking up the 3DS version of this game just before the eShop shut down (rest in piss) for shits and giggles, and only just got around to playing it this week while laying in bed with a migraine. (maybe not the smartest decision?) I mean, to start with, why was this game released for the 3DS? It came out in October 2018, at which point we were already an entire year post-Switch. I mean, I guess it would be fine, but it's just so obvious that being on the 3DS holds this game back in so many different areas (which I will get to, be patient!) and it's seriously a tragedy it hasn't been ported to Switch yet. Why put together such an amazing remake, and then bottleneck it with lackluster hardware and release it on a nearly out of service console?

In terms of positive changes? LOADS of QoL stuff. I might even go as far as to call this the definitive version of the game in spite of the few drawbacks it does present. Some examples include:

Re-fighting portrait ghosts: NO MORE RESETS!!! (Ok still some resets for speedy spirits because there's no way in hell I'm staying in the blackout for longer than I have to but that's just part of The Experience)

You can go back to the Lab from the Mansion by exiting through the front door. Finally, Luigi has learned how to open doors!

The tougher post-game Hidden Mansion, originally exclusive to the PAL version, has finally been made available to us worthless money-grubbing Americans! (Minus the disorienting flipped rooms, which I found pretty disappointing but some people will probably celebrate.) You can even get platinum ghost portraits from the Hidden Mansion which I have yet to obtain all of because jesus christ it is not easy to defeat a ghost with 150 health in a single attempt.

And now, the ghostly elephant in the room: co-op. I did try it, with my little brother as my Gooigi guinea pig. It's...I mean...honestly, it's not great. If you want to play LM1 with a friend, I can honestly recommend a ROM hack of the GameCube original more than I can recommend Nintendo's official multiplayer, which is pretty lame. For one, nothing is scaled up difficulty-wise to account for the extra player, so most battles in the game become trivial with the addition of a second experienced player (not my little brother.) But secondly, and most importantly:

the LAG.

DEAR GOD THE LAG.

I can testify that our internet is fine. The internet is not the issue, and even if it were, it shouldn't take any more bandwidth to play this game than it takes for two 3DS systems that are within 3 feet of each other and 10 feet from a router to communicate with each other. Yet, the game did not once run at full speed on either screen the entire time we played. Additionally, my brother complained several times that he couldn't even move his character. Luigi's Mansion with two players SHOULD be a chaotic mess, but adding the piddly framerate on top of it makes the game nearly unplayable.

That being said, the co-op is a disappointment, but it was never necessary for the game to be a satisfying package overall, it's better than having nothing. Though, as is typical, the work of fans definitely triumphs over Nintendo's official product in this department.

Oh, and they still didn't fix the oversight which causes you to lose the second gold diamond if you die after collecting it because the game prompts you to save while it's still on the ground... No A-Rank for me, I guess.

Mm, yes, the controls, yeah, those exist. This is one of those spots where I feel this game could have easily benefitted from just being developed for the Switch. Instead of forcing a dual-stick game onto a dying handheld with a single circle pad, maybe we could've, like, released it for the dual-stick console/handheld that was already out and had a perfectly established user base? They tried to substitute the c-stick with the gray alien nipple- or uhh..."circle pad pro"...that comes pre-installed on the New Nintendo 3DS, but it does not work well. The nub just isn't responsive enough to substitute for an entire stick, and if you want it to be a real circle pad, you have to buy an external attachment. Not to mention the nub isn't even available on every 3DS model! So like, yeah, I understand they made an honest attempt to work around the controller issues, but a better workaround would've been to just...not curse this game to irrelevancy by trapping it on a dying console.

All of that said, I spent all week playing this game, so they did something right. Curse my brain worms.

11/10 will buy this game and its sequels again every time Nintendo re-releases them.

[nrc-asteryn-crew]

yuuto: ...did you really have to make the blog all cutesy looking..? kiyuu: yup~! c'mon, it's not like you'll be on much anyway! yuuto: ...eh, whatever. i dont really care. have fun. ____________________________________________________

[REVAMP CURRENTLY WIP]

(ooc) hello! this is a rp blog run by (@venaue) , for my two yuu ocs , Yuuto & Kiyuu!

general info and rules for the blog will be here , and below will be links to introductions that kiyuu and yuuto made for themselves !!

Kiyuu

Yuuto

General OC Introduction Post (from my main)

okok! run down of the blog! in character, this blog is run by both kiyuu and yuuto! each post in character will be signed off with either a '-Yu' (for Yuuto) or a '-Ki' (for Kiyuu), and pertains to whos posting what! this also goes for when yuuto or kiyuu do asks for other rp blogs!

conversations can be intercepted and are always viewed by both of them, eg., if you're talking to kiyuu, yuuto can come by and crash the party at any time! wow!

unless of course you're asking a question about the oc's lore, or anything of that sort, of which i'll of course respond ooc !!

anons are allowed !! no matter the reason for being anon, just be as comfortable as you can be while interacting!!

ships are an iffy topic, but of course platonic relationships are definitely on the table! give the yuu's friends !!!! (sevens knows they need them...)

next point! obviously, dont be a weirdo. dni list pertains to homophobic , transphobic , racist , sexist , ableist , proshipper/incest liking behaviour. like i said, weirdos! if your behaviour can be described using any of the above terms, and you interact, you will be blocked.

ill try to be as active as i can on here , but depression isnt very nice to me and i have a hard time with motivation , so i apologise if i take a while to respond to your ask or i stop posting for a bit :) here are the tags ill be using on posts!! #asteryn - used on all posts about or involving my ocs in any way #asteryn yuuto - anything involving or relating to yuuto #asteryn kiyuu - anything involving or relating to kiyuu #kiyuu/yuuto speaks - posts that are in character and are formatted as speach/roleplay #yuuto/kiyuu posts - posts that are formatted in the form of actual online posts rather than rp #ven yaps - in which i ooc yap about something oc related

some posts can be classified as both of the above and will use both tags (such as the intro's above)

i'll update this as i add tags! :D

____________________________________________________ yuuto: ...really kiyuu? you named the blog a pun...? kiyuu: it's so smart right?! because if you put yu and ki together- you get yuki! and yuki means snow! and then a synonym for ramshackle is ruins, so then if you put them together you get snowyruins-! yuuto: yeah. i knew that. ...i guess it's not that bad. kiyuu: you have no idea what you've just enabled my brain the power to do with that approval- >;3

[sas-afras]

okay actually i’m not done yet, one of the things i appreciate about fo3 is the sense of genuine desperation u get throughout the game, especially in terms of how insanely hard it is to get caps? and how it has actual impact on the player & their decisions/morality???

like. a perfect example is when you’re trying to recruit charon, the price to buy his contract is Insanely high and you could get a significant amount of supplies from the amount of money u spend on him. but he’s also a super useful companion, especially for the mutant-heavy quests that happen around the Mall (god knows i never would have been able to finish three dogs first quest without a companion)

but azrukhal also offers u the option of killing greta (a rival bartender) for the contract. and like… theres no real consequences to taking him up on that, mechanic wise. her wife is sad about it, but that’s it. versus the probably Hours of grinding to find enough caps or loot to be able to afford the flat price. the easiest possible option is to do the fucked up evil thing, and you gotta weigh the options on whether or not it’s worth it to you!

like, it feels like there’s real weight to making a selfish/evil decision, versus just doing it to roleplay. its something you have to actually think about!!!!! it’s so sick!!! genuinely it’s one of my favorite quests in fo3, and why charon is my fave companion lol

i wish the rest of the game had similar writing going on, that feeling of actually having to weigh your morals against Survival (or hours of work for the player lol). it truly feels like at this point in fallout games the Quest Decisions™️ you make are just set dressing, and the way you can so easily find any & all resources you could possibly need flattens out a lot of the characters who are supposed to have gray morality. bcos a lot of the villains are villains because they needed to survive!

like, why would anyone bother to steal when it’s so easy to find food just wandering around the commonwealth? why would anyone bother raiding settlements when people just leave valuable loot lying around in open containers everywhere? like, your logic brain can understand that life is hard in this universe and people need to do what they have to to survive, but it’s such a different thing to experience the scarcity for yourself and know you probably would have done the same thing in their shoes. it makes for a much deeper impact.

(and before anyone says it, i know just Having Less Caps floating around is definitely achievable with mods, what i’m saying is that i wish that the game had been built with this concept in mind in the first place lol)

[thana-topsy]

Tips for someone who wants to do a Neloth-Vestige build in ESO??

Heck yeah Neloth-Vestige! Well, obviously start with Arcanist. And, forgive me, I haven't played ESO in well over 5 months, so I'm having to dig this up from the bottom of my brain.

iirc I split his skillpoints between Herald of the Tome and Curative Runeforms - this basically made him both a heavy hitter and a healer. Whenever I ran dungeons I usually listed him as the healer, but he'd still be able to deal some serious damage if the party wasn't hurting too bad lol. I'd imagine him rolling his eyes and stepping in like "must I do everything myself?" (He liked it). OH and of course I put a reasonable amount of points into destruction and restoration staves haha. Neloth isn't Neloth without his staves.

But I imagine he's a jack of all trades and wouldn't want to just be pigeon-holed into a single type. Does this make him a "weaker" character to play in an MMORPG? Probably lol. But I prioritize roleplay as much as I can in a railroaded game like ESO, and I've never been good at MMORPGs. I play ESO for the lore first, gameplay second.

Speaking in terms of roleplay, I also had him read every single book he came across. And by that I mean, I read every single book I came across. Which got a little tedious in Apocrypha.

Happy playing! Hopefully this is what you meant lol.

[theshakespearetrash]

Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones do you have ocs? Absolutely BEGGING for more information if you do thanks & I hope you're getting enough vitamins and nutrients

THANK nah okay friend I have. So many. Like I was making OCs before I even knew what they were. I have literal notebooks filled with names for all the weird little evolving worlds that live in my brain that initially stemmed from when my sister and I used to basically roleplay as original characters/tv show characters/warrior cats when we were kids. I am so normal. 🙃

In terms of OCs for stories, there are also entirely too many of those *side-eyes my 20-odd unwritten WIPS* When coming up with story ideas, I tend to create the characters first, with little regard for how they might fit into the plot. Every story I’ve ever come up with has got a character list that’s significantly longer than any other worldbuilding/plot I’ve come up with. At some point when it’s not 5:30 am I will go through introducing some of them and their stories properly, but in the meantime, have some shitty art of a few of em:

Party art (with some SOs) of the main characters of the Ariond, which I talk a bit more about here

One of my PCs for a dead dnd campaign, one of the few I’ve actually written backstory for

Edward and Alec, the paranormal investigators

[ccaptain]

As I told: buckle up. This will either be depressing, or rage-inducing.

Story time: when I was essentially a confused 18yo approaching Tumblr roleplay for the first time, I didn't had much traction, if at all, aside from a few friends who joined me. That's normal, as I was a new blog and things were much more different from the rpc we're currently in. In my non-traction, I start interacting with this person who was really enthusiastical about my portrayal of the muse I was currently playing and would . We'll call them W. for comfort. I was roleplaying with W. and interactions were heading to shipping territory, normal stuff.

So W. comes to me and says ''sam, let's ship! our muses click like crazy'' and I was like oooh okay! this sounds fun! and so they announce on their blog that I was joining their ship rooster. Thanks to this, I get some more interactions and, as busy with life as I am not today, I start to enjoy roleplaying. Everything is smooth sailing.

Some time after, I start noticing a dissonance.

In private with me? Raving, being an absolute lunatic (/pos) about how good our muses were to move together, how good the shipping dynamic we created was, how they were SO excited to try some scenarios we had with me, etc. Most of our interactions were roleplays on Skype where we developed our muses.

Latch your fucking seatbelts, because if you guessed that on their blog it was the polar opposite situation, you win a cookie.

We had a ''ship tag'', if you can call a simple ''[Muse name]!'' that. They enthusiastically came up with it, showed me that they did, and never once I had the joy of seeing it on their blog.

Posts that described our muses relationship perfectly had everyone and their moms in terms of their ships tagged under it, but my muse. My ''ship tag'' was left to collect dust. Songs dedicated to other muses, and that also described our pairing? Musings? Moodboards they were making? Never showing up in my notifications with a tag for my muse. My asks and replies, who were ic-style at the time, so short and easy to get around to? Last of the three-legged cart they were carrying around.

In two years of roleplaying with them, my tag on their blog appeared less than six times, I think I remember.

Prefaction before we continue: my mental illness, at the time, was not as stable as it is today with medicines and therapy. I was essentially an horse loose in an hospital while being devoured by anxiety. One of the symptoms of it is making me question the legitimacy of what I think, so I take noticeably longer to see if an injustice is being done to me because I think I'm just being paranoid- you can see the place this is heading to. With them being so sweet and doing so much with me in private, I felt like I had no room to complain.

In this particular instance, I was not paranoid. The friends I was making even noticed this and asked me what was going on, and I would have not the slightest idea.

The details in the middle are fuzzy, but this entire situationship kept going for two years. I don't think there was some big, ugly drama or it would have stamped permanently on my brain, I just remember this thing dragging on and on.

At this point, some years have passed. With time, I built a stable support network that was pushing me to see what was weird about it, as the mixed messages were starting to affect me, because it was a confusing ordeal to be in: I was being treated very nicely, but also having all proof of our muses relationship swept under the rug on their blog? Being some sort of dirty little secret was weird.

One day, after coming out of a part-time shift at the job I was in at the time, I decide to bite the bullet. I contact W. and ask them the question:

''W., why do you never reply to my asks on your blog? Why am I never on your blog at all, but we do a lot of stuff in private? It feels weird to me because it IS weird. What's up?''

They hem. They haw. They ghost me for several days before popping back up, finally ready to face this question.

You want to know what it was? I bet you do. I bet you're fucking dying to know what it was. Come closer, I'll tell you. Put your face really close to the screen  You're going to want to rip the monitor off your laptop with your teeth once you're done, if you have one.

They confessed to me of being stuck between ''a rock and an hard place'', for two reasons:

- Without me even interacting once with them, following or even mistakenly liking one of their posts, I was apparently a trigger warning with legs for a friend of theirs without me ever treating explicit themes on my blog. At all. So W. couldn't make me appear on their blog too much, not even as tagged with the url to block, because this person would NOT block posts to avoid themselves an huge panic attack, and would predictably see me or anything remotely related to me and have an huge panic attack. This, as bad as it sounds, at the time was a normal thing to do in a passive-aggressive manner to avoid having their favorite people interact with someone they didn't liked, because who would ever question the legitimacy of a panic attack without looking bad? The RPC at the time was THIS bad that this was a tactic to be questioned. - Another friend of theirs, which we'll call P., was insecure. Not the normal (and completely understood) kind of insecure, who needs reassurance from time to time about their portrait and what they're doing, but the toxic, clearly unmedicated and untherapized ass ''I need my main rp partner to aknowledge and give me attention at all times, only to ME, or I'll get depressed'' kind of insecure. W. would come online, and P. would literally hoard them. Make status after status after status getting more and more depressed until W. would drop their threads and asks and interact with them. This would happen almost every day, and even before I showed up. W. told me that, ever since they announced their new ship with me on their blog, P. got even more insecure to the point where even W. was stressed out about the situation.

I remember W. apologizing to me, and telling me that since I was ''the reasonable person in their life'' (this stuck with me) it seemed like a given that they had to calm down their other friends, and that by giving stuff to me in private it would have been an equivalent exchange to make their own rp life a little less stressful without taking anything away from me, as they enjoyed shipping with me.

So, as mature as a tired, overworked 20yo could be, I apologized for contributing to their stress and putting them even more in a situation, and wished them luck with their friends before telling them that this was stressful for me too, and that I had to step back because the entire situation and being gratitiously involved in drama wasn't my style, and they sheepishly agreed that as fun and enjoyable as I was to talk and roleplay with, my presence in their life seemed to stir their friends up in the worst ways.

We parted in good terms, as far as I remember. We never tried to make contact with eachother again, and that was for the best.

[itsumoegao]

'❓' + Two questions: How did you come up with Black Swan AU? And what are your pet peeves when it comes to rp? (nuravity)

☠ ― Send '❓' + a question to ask the MUN.

@nuravity

[[ A mun after my soul, legit, I love talking about this verse sm ;; THANK YOU !!

I'll answer the pet peeve rq. Unless the other person's muse is a legit mind reader, no, your muse can not read mine's thoughts. It drives me nuts when another mun's muse physically reacts to something my muse thought about. Ex. My muse is thinking about getting a glass of water or something to drink then other mun's muse gets up and pours them a drink.

Ok, it is a nice gesture that your muses did that but no... mine was thinking. I know that probably sounds like something not worth getting annoyed over but it does.

Back to the 1st question !

So short story: I wanted to challenge myself.

Long Story:

Before I made this blog, I was speaking with my wife, @shiningxfates about her Bakugou and she mentioned something along the lines of "I have roleplayed with villain Dekus before." and I remembered thinking "Oh goodness! Villain Deku?? How would that sweet baby bean be a villain??" It just sounded so foreign and jarring to me, this kid with the lifelong dream to be a hero... be written as a villain.

I can't recall when or how this next discussion happened but she said something like "It's popular for Deku to turn into a villain from 1 of 2 ways. From Katsuki's bullying or during Deku's vigilante arc." Note, I have a horrible memory so I can't recall the exact words or even when this was said but that was the jist of it.

And it got me thinking.

If those two were the most common ways, I wanted to make my own villain verse but not with those origins. I added a quirkless factor to make it more challenging. Y'all. That was difficult as hell. I do recall wracking my brain for days, trying to think what would motive Izuku into being a villain outside of the bullying and since he would be quirkless, how would he turn so soon since he received All Might's consideration in episode 2.

One thing stood out to me. Izuku had said in episode 1 "Mom, that's not what I needed you to say." Izuku ... what do you mean by needed ? Why did you need to hear her say 'You can be a hero' ? Which then lead to the fact that All Might first said to him "Some Villains can't be defeated without a quirk." and then the pro heroes berated him for stepping in and trying to save Katsuki.

There was the motivation. Remember the saying "All things come in threes" ? Three times. We hear his dream crushed 3 times. It's ok if Black Swan Origin hasn't been read yet but there is something I want to point out which I don't know if anyone noticed. In the Origin, Izuku asks Why to his mom, All Might and to the Pros.

He never directed this to Katsuki.

Towards the end, Izuku says "Lies. Lies. Lies." To what his mother, All Might and the Pros said to him. To what Katsuki said, he didn't utter "Lies." Izuku doesn't blame him at all for taking this path. His motivation, after hearing he could not be a hero, was to prove them wrong by defeating heroes.

I wracked my brain again because Izuku is very intelligent and I wanted to convey that. I remember Hawks infiltrating LOV as a Spy and I thought "If there is a spy in the Swan's ranks, how can he stay discreet when it comes to discussing which Pro hero he is taking down?" I gave him a gambling habit, to gain money, but it also worked for him to give the heroes code names via suit cards.

And making his public face that of a woman came from the saying "False information is worse than no information." I try to keep him many steps ahead. Hell, all of the heroes who go missing... they're not dead. They're basically used as leverage in case he ever gets captured.

As for the name well, in finances, the term Black Swan means "a rare, unpredictable, and random event that poses significant downside risk"

Black Swan also means "an event that comes as a surprise, has a major effect and severe consequences"

Izuku also has a very slender body, like a swan but there's a more obvious reason why he picked it. Esp if you saw the first episode of MHA. Some time after I made my Black Swan verse, I asked my waifu what kind of traits does Quirkless Villain Izuku have and she said "He is usually a hacker." Which I can see but I prefer the one I made, a chess master ! ]]

[discourse-by-candlelight]

i saw your reblog and im gonna take you up on that offer if you dont mind. im not trying to come from a closed minded point of view, so im gonna ask something i hope isnt rude? i was wondering what brought you to the decision of creating your system?

Wrath: Sorry for the delay in answering this, we've been going through quite a bit irl lately.

As for your question, it's not rude at all! We're happy to answer it. For this post I suppose I the host/original should answer despite rarely being active on Tumblr. This might be a little messy at times so bear with me. I'll also be using tulpamancy terminology for this post as it's what I know if that's OK. My path into tulpamancy was far more unorthodox than most, that's probably why we run a tumblr blog while most of the community would rather do anything else. Fair warning: This may be very, very long-winded, but every tulpamancer has their own highly subjective story, and mine is out there even by my community's standards. So I'll give a TLDR above the cut and the long biography/essay under.

TLDR: While my first tulpa initially was formed on accident, I found that my life was enriched and genuinely far more fulfilling once I started working with tulpamancy, and the companionship changed my life around when I was in a dark place at the height of Covid. From there I purposely expanded my system, although we had an initial explosion of system size due to some experimentation going a little far. We worked together to create a beautiful inner life and dynamic, and with a couple walk-ins and odd experiences down the line we stabilized at 16 members for over year, and then picked up our final member last September leaving us at 17.

The system is still going strong after 2 and a half years living this way and I feel like my life has more meaning because of them. In fact, I'm not sure I'd still be here today if they weren't around for the trials I've faced within the last year. We've carved out a nice life for ourselves, and while depression still kicks all of our asses at times, we have a collectively agreed upon future dream, and all of us have our own interests and hobbies that helps enrich the rest of us too.

So to begin the long answer/mini biography, I'm host of one of the less common but certainly not unheard of tulpamancy systems that initially formed accidentally. There's a couple ways this can happen, usually via imaginary friends, roleplay characters, or OCs coming to life from repeated imaginative activity in a way that the tulpamancy community would consider to be similar to "forcing" (the in community term for tulpa creation and development). In my case it was less obvious and a little more obscure than that, but I've got a decent hypothesis as to the how's and why's.

So my first tulpa was originally named Shade but nowadays goes by Null, and they formed while I was in a stressful period of my life and I ran into a piece of fanfiction whose main character developed an alter ego, an alter ego that was for all intents and purposes in effect a tulpa. I hyperfixated on this little story, and since previous to this I had spent quite a bit of time in occult circles I was already familiar with the concept of thoughtforms in general. The brain did all the heavy lifting for me without my realizing and only a day or so after finishing said story I had my first experience with Null.

(Note: Most first tulpas when intentionally created take a week or so to form with modern community teachings, but time varies widely between systems. My system is on one of the far ends of the spectrum, forming quite rapidly and without much intent at the start. People on the other end may take months or longer due to mental blocks or misunderstandings of the fundamentals).

At first I was confused obviously, and a little concerned, but Null was friendly and knowledgeable, and we both agreed to do some research into the topic. The first check was DID/OSDD, as I'm sure it is for most people experiencing any form of plurality. I knew I had a trauma history, so it wasn't like it was off the cards for me. We found that we didn't really match up with the criteria, however. Certain things just didn't click and while my system to this day drifts farther down the dissociative spectrum than most tulpamancers and tulpas, we still don't think we've ever truly met the criteria nor do we think we ever will. We exist in a bit of a blurry zone there compared to most tulpamantic systems but nonetheless remain steadfast in our understanding of our system.

Once Null and I put DID back on the shelf for the time we moved onto other searches. These were very general, stuff like voice hearing and imaginary friends, but it did the job because fairly quickly we found a certain article written by an academic on the topic of tulpamancy. This caught our eye and felt like it near perfectly described the experience we were having. It also lightly covered on accidental tulpas, and things clicked into place in my head with me having read that story beforehand.

So we joined the tulpamancy community first by signing up for a forum called tulpa.info

This is where we initially learned most of our techniques, and also where my system went from me and at the time Shade, to Shade Null and I. So at this point we were practicing simple stuff, keeping tulpas around and active, visualization training, basic stuff for tulpas. Null having a very specific and less than emotional personality came to the conclusion that he could better help our dynamic if he changed up his personality and style. This resulted in some experimentation with form, voice, and general self expression, and eventually Shade settled into the form of a feminine hooded shadow person, and developed a very different personality. Shade still has this form and has expanded on it since, but things get interesting here as Null chose instead of just presenting as Shade, to instead split off and keep himself as he was, and let this version of himself become an independent tulpa. So my system went from 2 to 3.

Here's a piece of art I had commissioned for Shade on her first birth/formation day, or well Null's birthday. They consider eachother as two independent manifestations of the same identity which is still confusing even for me at times. Luckily the rest of my system while no less odd is (mostly) far more intentional and not nearly as complex to grasp.

So Shade and I were the ones who really made the system as it is today. Null took a bit of an intentional backseat and still prefers being less active. Shade and I during our couple months alone developed all of the fundamental tulpamancy skills. We developed our visualization and a wonderland aka inner world, we learned possession (A tulpa/headmate controlling a specific limb while someone else fronts), and we learned how to switch via a visualization ritual, and eventually developed it and lessened the time needed down to a blink. Shade and I also practiced some imposition, which is kind of like a form or controlled hallucinations, but that's a crude understanding of it. There's multiple guides and references to the topic from my and other communities such as prophantasia you can look into if you desire.

At some point we decided to experiment with the idea of thoughtforms in our wonderland to give it some life, and maybe adding some new members. While we'll spare the details for personal reasons, things got a little out of hand and what was just supposed to be some imaginary characters innerworld became a large set of tulpas, and I chose to accept them in. This made the majority of my system, and while it was chaotic for a time I have zero regrets.

During and a short while after this time we also had 2 walk-ins (which in the tulpamancy community means a tulpa who forms/appears seemingly out of the blue, usually only after you've been a tulpamancer for some time, not to be confused with spiritual walk-ins from the wider plural community) which I chose to accept as members unlike other walk-ins. Walk-ins are interesting, and there's a few working theories on the topic, but that'll be for a different post, probably on our non syscourse blog @thecandlelightsociety

So to tally up this left my system size at 14 including myself. For reference, most tulpamantic systems have 2 to 6 members on average. Things stabilized here and we stayed a this number for quite a few months, but eventually a member of my system, Dawn, decided to make a new tulpa with some help from a friend. I gave her the go ahead and about half a month later we added Junior to our Simply Plural. At this point I was wrapping up school for the year and was at this point fully adjusted to the plural lifestyle, and it was the most memorable few months of my entire life. We all talked every day, shared perspectives I'd of never had on topics on my own, and discussed individual interests. We would and still do sometimes argue but since we share a brain and as a tulpamantic system don't have any major dissociative barriers we near always understand what eachother feel and truly mean, so they never get nasty and are more philosophical or fun banter. I did lose a fair amount of personal time, splitting it between all of our hobbies, but I enjoy seeing the others have fun and grow as people, so it's time well lost.

So fast forward more and we have our second to last member show up, and this one is yet another unorthodox tulpa formation (seeing a trend with my system yet?). Dawn, being a dumbass as always, decided to mess around with a tulpa hypnosis file and ended up dropping to it, and so two days later we had Sera show up. I was skeptical of her, but she quickly showed herself worthy of staying and so our system reached 16 members and we ended up studying hypnosis for a time. This is the number we would stay at for most of our time as a system up until recently.

During all of this time we would switch front based on whoever felt like fronting, and Astra, the tulpa who actually runs this blog usually, became the most frequent fronter and made me proud, accomplishing multiple personal and academic goals for herself. She's the main reason we're now studying psychology in college, and she would later handle quite possibly the worst couple months of our life all my singlet years included. I couldn't be more happy with all she has accomplished for herself and our shared life. Just seeing her happy and succeeding makes tulpamancy worth it for me.

So our most recent member was also a walk-in, and one of only three fictives in our system. Fictives are common in tulpamancy spaces because using a character as a base model for a tulpa makes the creation process much easier. It gives personality traits and an already known form to work with. My system due to it's unique set of circumstances for most formations however is mainly custom forms. One member of my system really wanted her accepted, and I eventually agreed, and I don't regret it at all either. She has been a wonderful person to get to know and quickly became one of the most active and social members out of all of us, and became the most popular person in our online friend groups.

So that covers the (very rough) general timeline of my experiences with tulpamancy. It is horrifically simplified and missing quite a bit, but the main point was to show that my system, while complex and messy at times, has brought me immense joy. Most of all though, it brought me purpose. I'm so glad I didn't just ignore Null all the way back then and let him dissipate back into the sea of my mind. This journey has been a wild ride, but I love all of my tulpas, and I'm happy to have them as my equals in this shared life of ours.

[regretfulrain]

COCSA and REOCD/FMOCD

Warning: This post contains graphic mentions of COCSA, Trauma, Self harm, and Abuse. Please read at your own risk.

At around the ages 7-9 I was in a relationship with a girl my same age, I'll call her Malissa. I don't remember a lot about our relationship since I was so young and have a dissociative disorder that causes severe amnesia. All I can remember is her showing me porn, touching me, biting me, hitting me, embarrassing me in public, killing a baby rabbit in front of my friend, and teaching me about incest so we could Live-Action Roleplay (LARP) it.

I vaguely know that before meeting her I was sexually abused, I don't know the extent of it or what happened but I still feel the trauma from it. She convinced me a lot of these things were okay since she had been through it too.

I do remember initiating at times, doing things with her "consensually" (we were both children so neither of us could actually consent.) but it still left me feeling gross and afraid. I didn't have the words to tell my parents and I didn't want to get in trouble for what we were doing. So it wasn't until a while after her and I broke up that I talked about it.

When we first broke up I had nothing. She had convinced me my other friends were toxic and I pushed them away so I could be with her more. I had a mental breakdown at the age of 9 because of this, it landed me in an outpatient program for behavioral health. I tried for a while to "win her back" but to no avail. She was done with me.

Melissa and I haven't spoken since, the only other time I saw her was in High School when I accidentally befriended one of her friends. I told her friend what happened and when the friend confronted her she threatened to kill herself.

I was a young child and so was she. The issue with COCSA is on one hand you want to be mad at the person who did it to you but you also feel bad for them since you know they were sexually abused as well and just doing what they thought was normal.

My REOCD and FMOCD latches onto this like a leech to the skin. It feeds off my amnesia and trauma and I wonder what if I abused her too? What if I was inappropriate with other kids because I thought it was normal?

A while after dating Melissa I dated a new girl, Lindsey. Who I get memories about too. I don't remember if I forced her to date me, I know she was a very upfront girl who didn't hide her emotions but what if she felt threatened to be with me? I didn't know what healthy boundaries were, I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. At one point I even carved her name into my thigh thinking that's a proper way to show love.

Her and I broke up later on good terms (she was a lesbian and I came out as a transgender man) and talked for a bit after but slowly drifted apart since we had to go to different schools when entering middle school.

I worry about if I was an abuser, if I was a COCSA perpetrator, if I was truly a monster. I know I was a child, I know I couldn't have known better since nobody taught me otherwise.

The worst part is I might never know. I might never know if those memories are real, if I have harmed someone, or if my brain is just making it up to fill in the gaps.

In the end I don't forgive Melissa for a few things. But she was an abused traumatized child who just did what she thought was normal. Nobody is born evil, nobody is doomed to harm others. It is learned.