#but if I do take the meds it’s a tricky game of “did that actually happen or were you asleep?” memories warped and a little foggy

[stemroses]

The dreams have been getting a little too real. Like my co worker telling me that her husband accused her of cheating Friday morning which is why she was excused to go work in the back office was real- that happened. But my co working coming back from the office with a bruised face stained blood and dried tears was fake- a dream.

[missmarveledsblog]

You're not wrong but don't mean it's right ( Billy butcher x doc reader ) part 7

summary : to deal with the cabin fever doc decides to create an effective supe sedative which means she is in need of few things which means the gang need to well go undercover to steal said equipment . frenchie has an embarrassing predicament to get them out of a tricky spot .

warning: mostly goofy fun in this part ,

It  had to be the trick of the light they were sure of it , coming home to see the two were actually not well butcher was less of a prick and doc wasn’t looking at him to guess which of the many ways she could kill him . For once things weren’t bad , for the first time in a long fucking time well things were actually good . everyone was seemingly in better mood even getting used to soldier boy being around . although one thing that was probably annoying was the cabin fever but giving the fact that the blonde supe thought he had killed doc well was probably for the best. They all sat watching a movie as she lay on chair while annie played with her hair , massaging her head .  they were talking about ways to catch supes. 

“ juliet wouldn’t work supe dna is completely different to normal humans  i did study in med school even low  level sort of supes some of our normal medicines don’t even penetrate the virus” she sighed at relaxation of her head being rubbed. 

“ so what  it has to be stronger dosage” MM asked attention turned to the young doctor .

“ sometimes yes but even normal medicine could have no affect that’s why their spent more research in cure for supes then regular people because it involves more money and investments” she shrugged.

“ that’s fucked up so what cancer research and that’s bollox” butcher scoffed. 

“ yeah for most part unless likes of one of seven were to get it well they would work harder to get cure  one of them then someones grandmother it’s a dog eat dog world even in the medical and chemistry field”. 

“ That's brutal but like wouldn’t compound V  help” hughie asked. 

“ no i mean it would but it actually does more long term damage then well a cure it more money game don’t get me wrong medical field preforms miracles and shit and there is advancements but other take priority too” she explained sitting up giving them her full attention. 

“ why did you become a doctor then” butcher asked.

“To help people i genuinely like helping those who need it plus money to work to a point i’d never have to worry about life again” she smiled . 

“ ain’t you little miss world peace” butcher winked. 

“ annd” frenchie looked at her pointedly. 

“ to kill people like my father to point they feel more pain but less messy” she hopped up head towards the kitchen 

“ she kidding right?” hughie gulped. 

“ i spent years learning nerves and the human anatomy  i know how to kill you to point you feel nothing or everything  depending on  mood” she  called back . “ 

“ she shared some with me back in the day it’s effective” frenchie nodded in agreement. “ before she went to med school” he added as they all looked at her even soldier boy look sort of shocked. 

“ hey actually we should use that” butcher called making every gaze turn to him . “ not like that i mean she clearly brainbox  how do we knock a cunt out the quickest” he called out. 

“ hmm supe or well normie” she asked taking swig out of the bottle of wine. “ usually with normal person you could induce them with a sedative or well juliet  and boom well they would be out cold in second but it doesn’t work on supes” she passed the bottle to her brother. 

“ how you know i mean we could test it on a supe and we can find one for ya” butcher smirked . 

“ tried it already as well as frenchies concoction to knock out on ben since i tried juliet on him works for a little , you would need a continuous flow” . 

“ you let her try something that could of killed you , you who hates doctors and scientist” MM Looked at the man surprised. 

“ she an exception , i trust her , she smart for a woman ” ben replied easily. 

“ get me  a white board  actually i’d say a couple and few other things and i think i could work on a supe strength version or even a fast acting sedative”. 

“Write a list doc” butcher winked. 

......

This wasn’t their first rodeo , it wouldn’t even be their last  as they began the plans on where to get the things needed through docs extensive shopping list. They stole few white boards from local elementary school which she wasn’t exactly happy with but she did need them . 

They stole the beakers and things from a college although was lightly putting it when they went to buy them off a dodgy professor she knew .  Willing to pay til he said some unsavory things about doc and then ben punched him knocking him unconscious  in his office . while that went down frenchie took a novelty  sex toy that someone left at the mans office an egg keyring and a small dildo keyring he thought were hilarious . 

Next on the mission log was the mentally insane sort of dump she interned in that experimented on the  patients there. They got security passes  from old friend of hers showing the sweet Doc had some  useful Connections .  listening To her through a ear piece where Each Person had to go  where Things where As well as trolly to carry Thing butcher was One to offer for that since well his compassion was lacking  then again so it would be a perfect job If this all fell To shit. The place was a dump completely and utter shit hole .  personally she wanted them to burn the place to the ground make sure  it was never used again but even  for hell hole  it unfortunately   had it’s uses .

“ how the fuck did you work  ere” butcher grimaced watching some patients doing fucking weird shit As he passed. 

“ That professor tried roofy me. So I asked him for the placement that got me the best grade , that sadly was the place” she called through an earpiece. 

“ place is fucking hell on earth” mm voice was heard. 

“ yeah but most Fucks in there are depraved fucks so it balances itself out” she rolled her eyes.

“ depraved like how?” Soldier boy asked sitting at her side watching her looking  the screen of her computer as she watched them making their way around. 

“ like the cell hughie is at is a family killer , he killed everyone  And if he wasn't caught he was gonna wipe His family tree off face of earth but he was caught at airport , then two cells down  a wanna be jack the ripper but with men “ she shrugged Easily. 

“ so we're in a criminally insane asylum great because a normal one just  isn't bad enough nah you gotta add crazy fucking psychos to the mix " MM huffed out. 

“ although it did help me With the grade I think the professor thought it would scare me nothing scares me well no man scares Me” she laughed as they walked through halls. 

“ can we hurry their flinging their shit like monkeys in a fucking Zoo “ butcher grimaced . 

They almost Had it all nearly til the security were Doing their round stopping as Kimiko And hughie filled a gurney with some supplies . 

“ who the fuck are you” the arched their brow looking the three Down as they went to grab the passes only for frenchie to find his lost .sharing look with other Panic on his face .

“ pretend to be med student Bringing A patient in , they usually give the interns that shit ” she called through. 

“ we're med student  on our internship we found this one trying to escape He needed in .. erm therapy” he called .

“ he doesn't look crazy” the man's brows arched. 

“ the voice Tell me to do thing like .. this “ he said pulling The sex toy key rings out and swallowing  them almost choking ad they went down  while starting To strip . 

“ we better get him back now” hughie and kimiko pulled frenchie Along. 

“ the Voices tell me to fuck your mother” frenchie yelled as they moved down the hall til they were out of view . “ shit” he winced. 

“ what happened ben covered my eyes ” doc called concern in her voice . 

“ he swallowed … Sex toys like mini ones from that weird professor and tried to strip ” .

“ mini like how mini?” she asked although they could hear her trying to keep her composure .  “ nevermind we have laxatives  But you'll need to Lube it gonna Hurt coming out” she snorted . 

“ hey I got us free … It won't hurt that much” frenchie stated  As she and Soldier boy shared a look . 

“ come on we got the shit let's get out of this hell hole” Butcher called as they all walked out. “ shit we got problem” . He looked to see homelander and what was left of seven walking other Side of the hall. 

“ I'm on my way “ was all soldier boy said as she nodded letting him know she be ok .

 She sat Turning off the communication  knowing homelander heard her through comms it Was all over, knowing  it would be about half an hour or less they would find a way back. She did hate the fact she was stuck in but it had to be Right time , that moment she could let him know he didn’t win and he wasn’t this glorious god of a man he projected himself .  oh she wanted the prick downfall as much as the rest of them he hurt more people than he “ saved” and this whole charade of him  being this savior the world needs well that really needed to end .  maybe she could be the one to help in the down fall of homelander she just needed to get it all right and she knew for certain she was in the right mix of people to do it with no matter how fucked and dysfunctional they were . But always the door breaking down just had to signal the good spell they had as she found herself surrounded.

" what do you want?" she stood watching them .

" simple, you " .

part 8

taglist : @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @dwinchesterspie1967 @bduchrnskei

[dzpenumbra]

1/29/23

Not really "with it" today. Just tired. Yoga was fast paced and intense, but good and I was able to keep up with it. I still don't know what I'm going to do when this 30-day challenge thing ends, I only have 2 more days. I ordered pants on Etsy so I can actually go to an in-person yoga class and humble myself there... but I ordered them 2 weeks ago. The person finally messaged me back this morning saying they were having trouble getting them in stock and immediately cancelled my order for me. God knows I'm never ordering from them again, 2 fucking weeks and it took me actually messaging them and requesting a delivery date. I guess they were content to just pocket the cash and hope I forgot I ordered them, huh. Maybe I'm a bit suspicious, but either way that's just shit business, sorry. That upset me. So I don't know what to do for pants, and every time I sit down and try to shop, it just stresses me out and overwhelms me, so I just... put if off. Again.

I did, however, get my coat rack set up. That's a big win in my book. I got the piece of mahogany I had and just said "fuck it" and left the raw wood. I might sand it at some point, and add that wax finish to it, but raw is fine for now. I just wanted to get it done. I measured even intervals and hand drilled the screws into the wood with a screwdriver. My shitty battery powered knock-off Dremel barely did shit drilling into the wood, so I just powered through it by hand. I need a manual drill, I don't mind the physical labor and exercise, but like... I need the right tools for this shit. I got the job done, but it would've been much better results, much less time, and less stripped screws if I just had a drill. Oh well, I'll put it on the list. But that coat rack is mounted on the wall.

Max, once again, did not eat her breakfast or dinner. I was able to get her to eat the anti-nausea med this morning, but not much more than that. And dinner, couldn't even get her to eat the chunk with the med in it. I'm stumped, honest. And it's tricky because this is all wet food which she will refuse to eat after it dries out, so... a lot of food has gone in the trash. But, more importantly, she's not eating food. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call the vet tomorrow and see if they think it's okay for her to start eating regular foods now, treats and shit. Like... she can't just eat half a can of food in the span of 3+ days. That's not good. It's worrying, of course. And my frustration with it is leaking out, and it's pretty hard to communicate clearly that I'm really frustrated because I can't like... communicate to her that I can't give her better food. That she has to eat this, or nothing. Otherwise she'll get sick. So yeah, if my phone rings at 9 AM and I'm just barely awake, but it's the vet on the line? I'm picking that shit up. I need to get this figured out. Because if I can just give her a really tasty fish meal or something? Just to get food in her? Just sayin...

So yeah, I went grocery shopping, which was fine. Just got up and went and did it, which is good for me. Leaving the house is much easier now. I guess it was an acute trauma thing, go figure. I made myself some homemade chicken fried rice and it was really good. I'm definitely putting a pin in that recipe, the tiny difference was greasing the pan with butter instead of oil. It made a big impact.

I ate some ice cream, played Dwarf Fortress for the first time. I considered streaming, but honestly, I'm kinda just exhausted. I think the vet yesterday really wiped my emotional energy, I'm just drained. It's 11:30 and I'm thinking I'm just gonna go get ready for bed. Might as well. But the game was cool, very in depth, very complex. It's going to take me a while to understand everything that's going on there, but I think I'm going to like it. I don't really like how things just jump from tile to tile, aesthetically, but I'm guessing it's a hardcoded thing and just kinda part of how the game functions, and after a while I'll get used to it.

So yeah, that was pretty much the day. The only other thing was that the rock tumbler was supposed to be done today, but... they still need time. They're still foggy and opaque, not shiny and glossy how they should be. It's always a bit unsettling putting them in longer and longer, because the longer they're in the more mass they lose... but this is the polish stage, I don't think they're losing that much if they're in a few more days. This should be like... the end of it. I'll check in on them tomorrow and see where we're at.

Guess I'm gonna call it early.

[justanotherblonde23]

You Can’t Please Everyone - A Marcus Moreno Story

Author’s Note: Welcome to Part 3 of my Marcus Moreno and Doctor Iris Moreno one shot series! This wasn’t originally the one I planned on releasing today, but I was going through it last night and @autumnleaves1991-blog​ suggested that I write my feelings out and let it all pour into my writing. She was right, I felt so much better afterwards. Still no descriptions for what Dr. Moreno looks like, I want you to feel like you can see yourself as her <3 Thank you all for your love and encouragement, I really appreciate it. 

Warnings: angst, crying, parental problems, hurt/comfort, pregnancy mentions, language

Let me know what you think, what you’d like me to write next, want to be on a tag list for this series, etc. I want to interact with you all! 

Iris opened the front door, trying her best to be quiet; she didn’t want to wake the kids. If Marcus got the timing right, their girls should have just finished their bedtime routine and have settled in for the night. She took her jacket off, hanging it up in the coat closet. All she wanted was to grab a glass of wine and curl up and have a good cry. Unfortunately, being pregnant meant no alcohol, so she would soldier through with a good cry in the shower, maybe. 

Her heels clacked on the stairs. She went slowly, her heart and mind weary. Both girls had their doors open a crack, the universal sign that they wanted kisses and to be tucked in by momma, too, even if she came home a bit late. The drowsy kisses and ‘I love yous’ filled her with joy, covering the ache just a little. She knew that no matter what went wrong throughout the day, she would always be coming home to two precious little girls that loved her dearly. At this point, she couldn’t even imagine life without them. 

Marcus was right where she expected him to be, in bed curled up with a good book. It still blew her away every time she stopped and realized that he was hers, and she was his. Being his wife, it was bliss in every sense of the word. She hadn’t expected him to propose; how could she when his last marriage ended the way it did? Iris would have been happy to be with him forever in any way that he’d have her, but she had to admit that she had wanted to be his wife. She had changed her name as fast as humanly possible, for the thought of being Dr. Moreno filled her with pride. He had suggested keeping her last name or maybe hyphenating it after he proposed. He knew how hard she had worked to make that name worth something, and he didn’t want to take that away from her. She had appreciated the gesture, but she insisted that her work was her own, no matter her last name. She wanted to share everything with Marcus Moreno, including his last name. 

The man in question looked up, giving her one of his earth-shattering smiles, the one that made her feel as if she was the center of his universe. How could she not melt when his soft brown eyes held her gaze, baring his soul to her? She loved this beautiful man with every breath she took. 

He frowned when he noticed her eyes had welled with tears, leaving black mascara tracks down her cheeks. Silently, he stood up, gently unzipping her dress for her and helping her into a shirt of his that she loved to wear to bed. He knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. He would wait her out; it was better not to press her. Marcus led her into the bathroom, sitting her up on the counter while he cleaned her face with a warm washcloth and makeup remover. With each tender swipe of the washcloth, more tears fell. He could feel her shaking underneath him, the silent sobs giving way to heaving gasps.

Once he finished washing her face, he cradled her in his arms, carrying her back to their bed. He settled her on his lap, her legs straddling his hips, arms wound around his neck, face tucked in next to his own. The closer he could get to her, the better he knew she’d be able to feel. His hand snaked under the shirt, rubbing soothing circles on her back, fingers pressing patterns into her spine. He whispered words of comfort in his wife’s ear, willing her to hear what he was saying. Darling, I love you. I’m here for you; you’re not alone. Let it all out, baby. It’s okay to cry. Don’t keep it all stuffed inside; just cry it out. Missy loves you, Jules loves you, I love you. He went on and on, pouring his love and adoration into her. Eventually, her tears subsided, and she was ready to talk. She pulled back a bit so that she could look into those kind eyes of his that never judged her or made her feel less than. 

“Dinner with my dad was a disaster, Marcus, it was horrible. I should’ve known it would be bad, but I was hoping that this time might be different.” 

He nodded sympathetically; her relationship with her father was complicated. That man was manipulative, two-faced, selfish, and frankly a terrible parent. He had never approved of their relationship, blatantly refusing to even come to their wedding, insisting that they’d be getting a divorce at some point anyway. No matter how happy they were together, that man was always finding something to nitpick. If it wasn’t the age gap, it was the fact that Iris had stepped up and filled the spot of mother that the girls had so desperately needed. He hated their jobs, their house, the fact that they were individuals with enhanced abilities. Marcus couldn’t think of a situation where he had ever said anything positive about, well, anything. 

Despite all of this, he knew that Iris still loved him, still cared about him, and desperately wanted some type of relationship with him. She was the kindest person that Marcus had ever met. Her passion for people, her ability to truly empathize with others and try to help them heal was inspiring. He had never seen anything like it. He had seen it firsthand with his girls. She poured every ounce of love and devotion into them, treating them as if she had given birth to them herself. She said time and again that there was no difference to her. They were her girls just as much as they were his, and she loved them as such. That love and care extended to her father, too, no matter how many times he hurt her. 

“What did he do, honey?” he was hesitant to ask. Marcus knew that he would get mad at her father and have to rein himself in. He hated to see his wife hurting like this, and it made his blood boil. No one should cause her this much turmoil, especially someone that was her parent. 

“The whole thing was just a mess from the start. Dad was giving the poor waitress a hard time the second she came to the table. You know when he acts like he’s funny, but actually, he’s just rude? He was playing that game. I tried to talk him off the ledge and get him to bring it back in a bit. You should’ve seen her face, Marcus. She was petrified. Every time she came to the table, I could see the apprehension in her eyes. I tried to make sure that I was as nice to her as humanly possible to make up for him. Jesus Marcus, he should know better. I bartended to help mom with money when she was sick, for goodness sake. I was just like that poor girl all through med school and up until I got hired at Heroics HQ. You’d think he’d be willing to consider that.” 

He shook his head, placing a kiss on her forehead, not interrupting her as she spoke. He knew that Iris needed to get it all out before he chimed in. 

“Then he realized that I didn’t order any wine and commented on that, and oh fuck Marcus; it just came out. I just blurted out that I wasn’t drinking because we’re having a baby. He fucking laughed at me, told me not to joke about shit like that. When he figured out that I was serious, he was furious. He told me that I made a mistake, that this baby would just tie me down. He told me that this was a sign that it was time to give up my career and commit to being a mother. I just- I can’t believe everything he said. He went on and on about how I was finally having a real kid of my own as if Missy and Jules aren’t mine, and how it was unfortunate that this baby was yours. I thought that maybe he’d be happy that he’d be excited, but it was a shit show. He didn’t ask how far along I was or anything. I don’t know why I even do this anymore, why I even hope for his approval. It’s a battle I’m never going to win, so why even try? And fuck, these pregnancy hormones are making me so goddamn emotional. I couldn’t even make it through the main course. I made up a work emergency and left. I’m hurting, I’m fucking starving, and I just want to curl up and call it a night.” 

There was silence for a few moments, Iris once again hiding her face in the crook of Marcus’ shoulder. He wished he could physically take the pain away, that he could take her heart in his hands and cradle it to his chest, protecting it from everything that threatened to break it. It killed him to see her like this, and it wasn’t fair; she didn’t deserve this. It didn’t help that at 12 weeks, her pregnancy was beginning to take a toll on her. It was always tricky for enhanced individuals to carry a child, even more so when the child was also enhanced. It just made everything a bit more complicated. He hadn’t seen it up close himself before. His ex hadn’t had powers. To see Iris suffering and struggling with harsher than average symptoms tore at his heartstrings. They were both so excited to have this little one; it would just be a bit more challenging.  

“Baby, I’ll be right back. I’m gonna grab a few things, get comfy okay?” 

Marcus hated untangling himself from her, but he knew what might make her feel a bit better. She let out a noncommittal grunt, letting him know that she heard him. He quickly went down to the kitchen, grabbing supplies. He put everything on a tray, double-checking that he had what he needed before going back up to the bedroom. He set the tray on the bed, earning a grin from his darling wife. 

“Okay, so you said you were hungry; I thought I’d grab the things you’ve been craving recently. I’ve got a bowl of butter pecan ice cream with strawberry sauce, the whipped cream from a can, and crumbled up potato chips with a side of frozen Reese’s peanut butter cups and that guava juice you started liking last week. Oh, and a grilled cheese that I made earlier and put in the fridge. I know you like them cold right now. I’m not gonna question it. I’m sorry you didn’t even get to eat anything when you went for dinner, but this might be even better.” 

He settled into bed next to Iris, putting the tray on her lap. The giggle of delight that left her mouth made him feel warm inside. He watched her dig into the ice cream, telling him about the new developments that she was working on for his katanas, how she wanted to adjust the grips a certain way, and asking for his input. There she was, his wife was crawling back out of the pain and the hurt. He adored her enthusiasm for science and invention. She always had some idea or other to improve his weaponry and armor. He could listen to her passionately explaining her thoughts and ideas for the rest of his life, and he’d never get bored. 

By the time she finished, the disaster of a dinner had been wholly forgotten. Marcus got up, placing the tray on the dresser. He’d deal with it in the morning. They spent another hour talking, cuddling, and holding each other tightly. After a while, he noticed that Iris began to nod off, her eyelids struggling to stay open. He adjusted their position so that they were lying down, and his love was wrapped securely in his arms. She fell into sweet slumber to the sound of Marcus murmuring sweet nothings in her ear and his hand rubbing her tummy, holding her and their baby close. She may not be able to please everyone, but she had Marcus, their two girls, and this baby. In the end, that was everything. It was all she needed.  

Tag list: @autumnleaves1991-blog​ @madness-roses​ @bisexual-space-slut​ @dindjarindiaries​ @frannyzooey​ @cinewhore​ @revolution-starter​ @mrschiltoncat​ @softpedropascal​ @paniclana​ @jollyrancher87​ @hdlynnslibrary​ @maybege​ @corrupt-fvcker​ @cyaredindjarin​ @magicsuperheroes​ @flightlessangelwings​ @itspdameronthings @fallingoutofthe1975​ @thestreamergirl​

[kylescheiblehateclub]

Big Jet Plane

by: kjllingmoon (me, hi) || my twitter

chapters: 1/1 || words: 2.6k || rating: general audiences

summary:

It was a bad idea.

Still, it couldn't hurt to help.

----

In which Kojiro takes a beat-up Kaoru home after his little escapade from the hospital.

This was a bad idea.

It was one thing to let Kaoru stay in the restaurant despite sneaking out of the hospital with a broken leg (which, by the way, how the hell did he manage to get to Luce by himself?), but this was in another league of its own. He could already hear the slew of insults coming his way. You dopey gorilla, what if you dropped me? Why would you let me fall asleep without knowing if I have a concussion? I see your interior decor hasn’t gotten much better since last time.

He could stand it and not fight back, if just for one night. Frankly, he felt comfort when seeing Kaoru at the restaurant. It meant the accident wasn’t too bad, at least physically. And there was the sense of superiority that came with knowing he chose his restaurant, of all places. Superiority at knowing he was Kaoru’s priority, and comfort at knowing Kaoru still cared for him. Despite everything—the years of arguing, being split up during their respective years of higher education—there was still care. Which is more than what he could ever feel towards that other asshole.

It wasn’t like he’d verbalize how he felt on the ride to the emergency room. Hours had passed and he still couldn’t figure out if he had been shaking from the worry towards his friend, or hatred towards the man they once thought they knew. All that was certain was the regret he felt upon not beating Aino—Adam to a pulp right then and there, for everyone to see.

Ainosuke, Adam. The same rotten person at the core.

That violent nature wasn’t like Kojiro, it wasn’t expected of him. Which only angered him further. How was it that he and Kaoru let it get this far? S had begun as a way of self-expression, and it snowballed into a free-for-all that sometimes made him sick to his stomach. The notoriety got to his head, despite the promise he’d made to himself years ago. It was a tricky situation, one he didn’t like thinking about yet still kept him up at night.

Kojiro sighed in relief as his house came into a clearer view (giving him a break from his thoughts), surprised Kaoru slept through the ride. The pain meds must have kicked in…. He fished his keys from the pocket of his jeans and unlocked his front door, turning a light on before carefully pushing Kaoru inside. The door was promptly closed and locked, followed by his shoes being removed and all the shit in his pockets being moved to the bowl next to the door.

Once again, he found himself debating his options. He knew fully well that he should have dropped him back off at the hospital, it’d been ringing around his head during the whole walk back to his house. How was he supposed to know he’d be okay, though? Surely one night won’t kill him. They’ve gotten into bigger problems and walked away unscathed. Then again, neither of them had gotten swatted at high speed by a fucking piece of wood and metal until that night.

Options, Kojiro.

Perhaps he could start with actually waking Kaoru up and asking if he’s okay. He crouched in front of the wheelchair, nearly eye-to-eye with the man, and carefully shook him by the shoulder. “Oi, Ru. Up and at ‘em, c’mon.”

Silence. He remained still as the other stirred, bright yellow eyes looking around in confusion. Another thing Kojiro would never verbalize was the way his heart picked up as he saw thin eyebrows knit together, chapped lips pursing.

“Kojiro.” Kaoru groaned, removing his glasses. His heart had moved on from picking up to doing backflips. He began scratching at his eyes, and the act made him look younger and even more fucked up at the same time. Amazing. “Why are you staring? Didn’t your mother teach you that’s rude?”

She never said anything about admiring pretty things. “Whaddaya need, kid? Want me to take you to bed, maybe get you some food?”

Both of them looked down at Kaoru’s lap, at the way his free hand fiddled with the temples of his glasses. It felt awkward; like he was actually… embarrassed of whatever was on his mind. Kojiro stood up, figuring he’d be doing him a favor by giving him the time and space to speak. No use in forcing words through a muddled mind. He took a seat on his couch, his back facing Kaoru.

“Back at the hospital, they just…” Kaoru sounded frustrated and like he’d given up despite barely beginning. Kojiro didn’t move. “They only cleaned the affected areas and I knocked out as soon as my head touched the pillow. I feel dirty.”

Ah. Hot springs, showers. Same difference. Kojiro wouldn’t find the courage in either scenario.

“Will you wash my hair?”

A terrible, no good idea, indeed.

And yet, he got up and wheeled him into the bathroom, with not so much as a peep leaving his mouth. It’s the friendly thing to do. It also wasn’t anything new between them; Kojiro saw it as one of the perks of having known him for more than half their lives.

And yet, as he helped Kaoru sit on the toilet seat and turned Carla off to preserve her battery, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. What a bad idea. Washing his hair, as if they were an old couple, with habits and routines.

Are you implying that friends can’t have routines? Have you seen how the kids act around each other?

“How are you keeping my cast dry?”

The two men looked at each other, playing a mental game of chess. With all the bandages around Kaoru’s face, the cast had become the last of Kojiro’s concerns, but he was right. Without excusing himself, he retreated back to the kitchen, returning shortly after with a trash bag in one hand and an old beach chair in the other. “S’not perfect, but I think it’ll get the job done.”

“You don’t have to do all this, you know.” Kaoru still had that embarrassed inflection to his tone. It was reminiscent of a time when Kojiro had to make up an excuse or other as to why they kept cutting class. “I know I asked you to—”

“And that’s all there is to it.” Kojiro took a step back from his shower, looking at the chair smack in the middle of the tiled floor. It was a ridiculous setup, but it would work, for now. Hopefully. “You’re my friend, Kaoru. You’re asking for a favor.

“Before you even think of it,” he added, now turning to face the other, trying to figure out where to begin the process. Maybe undressing the bruises would be a good start. “I’m not doing this out of pity. I know you wouldn’t let me if that were the case.”

His hands were shaking again. They were chef’s hands, trained for years to be steady and precise. The experience had roughed them up, with various small slices and healed burns around his fingers and palms serving as evidence of his hard work. They were athlete’s hands, being accustomed to heavy lifting and scraping along the concrete on his board. Hands that held pride in his achievements and deceit in the shape of women. Steady, sturdy hands, goldened by the sun and failing him before his very eyes.

He began with the bulk of the bruises—his jaw. While one hand cupped Kaoru’s chin, the other one removed the tape holding the gauze to his skin, being careful to not tug at it too hard. Gnarly purples and reds came into view, the bruise obviously still fresh. Then he moved to the bandages around his neck, then his head. Neither of them dared speak, even when they winced at the sight or the sensitivity.

The anger was resurfacing. One good punch, right in the nose. That’s all he wanted. “Think you can stand?” Kojiro felt too loud in the small room, even though his voice was low. He took a step back and extended his hands, as if to invite Kaoru to try.

The other’s felt soft. He took good care of them, needing them to make a living. They were polished, well cared for, albeit also scarred from his tinkering with his AI materials and his experience skateboarding. They were pale, seeming bright as they held the other’s. Such a contrast.

Both of them took their time in getting Kaoru to his feet. It was a process, trying to balance him to remove his robe and get him in the shower. Kojiro didn’t bother removing the arm brace; that’s a bridge they could cross later. The big plastic bag was wrapped around the leg cast, with both of them hoping the water would stay out. A messy, bad idea.

It only took Kojiro a minute to strip down to his underwear. He couldn’t afford to get lost in his thoughts again; being shirtless at Crazy Rock, being half-naked with the man consuming every waking second of his life for the last few months—what’s the difference, right? He was making himself dizzy, going in circles.

He turned the faucet on, being careful not to wet Kaoru just yet. The detachable shower head was gripped, and he pointed it at the wall, feeling the steady stream until it was at a comfortable temperature. Then he began. 

The ends of the long hair were first, going up to his scalp, digging his fingers into it to make sure everything got properly wettened. The faucet turned off, and he squirted shampoo onto his palm, feeling automatic; as if this really had been a habit of theirs for the longest time. Why wasn’t it? Why had his cowardice driven him into this cycle of guilt and heightened expectations— why didn’t those girls suffice him? What made him think he could ever compare to the thrill given to Kaoru when Ainosuke was in the mix?

The sound of a sob pulled him out of his thoughts. He furrowed his brows and pulled his hands back, initially thinking he had hurt Kaoru somehow. Maybe he touched an injured area?

“Ru?”

Another sob, followed by a sniffle. It made his heart drop. “Fuck. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

What? “What? What’s wrong?” He was crouching in front of the other before he could give it a second thought. The sight was… it was something he hadn’t seen in a while. His stomach was churning. “Kaoru. Why’re you saying that?”

“I just—” Kaoru paused, trying to breathe, to calm down. He had snot on his red nose, which Kojiro cleaned without a second thought. “I really thought things would change. I didn’t want— didn’t need to win, but shit— I don’t even love him anymore, I just— I wanted to prove that it could— that we could still be friends. That things could go back to when we were kids.”

Eat your fucking heart out, eh, Kojiro?

“Hey.” He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing to say. His friend, the man he’d been hopelessly head over heels for, got fucked over by the same person in the span of seven years, and was crying his eyes out, injured, in the shower. It brought upon him a horrible feeling of deja vu, and he couldn’t shake it away.

But he could help again. Just like when they were teenagers, directionless and feeling everything all at once. He’d do it over and over if it meant Kaoru would be okay.

His broad arms wrapped around the man, and he didn’t let go, albeit their uncomfortable position. One of his hands was rubbing his back in soothing, circling motions, with the other one hiding in his hair. He felt cold, his body shaking with each little sniffle and sob.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Kojiro wasn’t sure if he was heard. His voice wasn’t much louder than a small mumble. He let go of the hug and cupped Kaoru’s pale cheeks instead, being as mindful as possible of his bruises. His thumbs wiped away the tears as they continued falling, and a chuckle escaped him, feeling his own eyes getting watery. “Fuck him. He’s nothing but wasted potential. You’ve done so much without him and I know you can do so much more.”

If I’d known this is where we’d end up, I would have cut him off ten years ago. Completely separate myself from him and take the opportunity to tell you what I’ve always felt. I know I wouldn’t have stood a chance, I’ve never been what you crave. But I wouldn’t have been such a coward.

“You look so ugly when you cry.”

The two men laughed at the feeble joke. Kojiro didn’t expect Kaoru to do that, but he figured it would happen. Both of them had always had a problem with vulnerability.

“Like you look any better. Your face is the same color as your hair.” He wiped Kaoru’s tears once more, then leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. Allowing himself just this one thing. “You don’t need someone like that to prove things can still be good, Ru. I believe in you.”

He could tell Kaoru didn’t fully believe the words. And that was okay. He’d be okay.

Kojiro pressed another kiss to his forehead, then his knuckles, praying above all else that the actions could convey everything he was trying to say, as well as everything he felt. I’m here for you. I love you. I love you.

It was back to washing his hair then. Neither of them spoke; there was no need. Kojiro washed, conditioned, detangled Kaoru’s hair, washed his bruises, helped him dry off, and guided him to the bedroom, offering fresh, warm clothes. He even blow-dried his hair and braided it, just like he used to do when they were teens, keeping it out of Kaoru’s face. Now it was just a matter of changing into some new clothes himself, and set up the couch…. His heart wanted to explode, beat straight out of his chest and straight into bed with him.

So he did. The night was full of mistakes and bad ideas, anyway; what’s one more? He lay on his side, watching as Kaoru attempted to do the same, settling about three-fourths of the way there. They were eyeing each other, both of them seeming like they had something to say.

Kaoru went first. “Thank you. You could have just left me back home, or at the emergency room. This means a lot to me.”

“Of course.” Kojiro got closer to him, allowing himself to push his hair back, over and over, creating a rhythm. “You mean a lot to me. I’ll help any way I can.”

“Langa completely destroyed you.”

“Youth is wasted on the young.”

Kaoru was holding Kojiro’s hand by then, guiding it to his cheek. Kojiro left it there, softly running his thumb along his thin lips.

“You know I’m beating his ass if he comes near you again, right?”

Kaoru smiled, tired. His eyes were halfway shut. “Nothing in the world would make me happier.”

Kojiro smiled back, the feeling of relief and comfort slowly returning. “Need a lullaby?”

A shake of the head signaling no, followed by a sleepy sigh and closed eyes. “Just stay here. The kids’ll be okay, yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, honey.” Honey. Sickly sweet. He pretended he didn’t notice the way his cheek felt hotter against his palm. “They’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

The way Kaoru kissed his thumb sent a jolt down his spine. A bad idea for another day, Kojiro decided. 

He sighed again, keeping his own hand loosely wrapped around his arm. “Goodnight, Kojiro.”

“Goodnight, Ru.”

[earnestly-endlessly]

Can i request Cherik fic rec of collage au? Pretty please? Extra cookie points if it’s long fic

Thank you for the request anon! I am so sorry how late this is, but I hope that this list will give you plenty of new fics to read and enjoy!! 

College/University Cherik AU 

** Where they’re both college/university students**

A Road Trip to Pennsylvania – Aainiouu

Summary: For a year Charles has nurtured the biggest and most embarrassing crush known to man towards Erik. They are friends and roommates and when Erik asks Charles to accompany him to home on Thanksgiving of course Charles goes.

Of kittens and teacups and love – Ren

Summary: Modern AU in which Charles and Erik are flatmates. Charles studies psychology and likes tea and chess and keeps bringing home stray kittens, and Erik lets him because he's maybe perhaps a little bit sort of in love with him.

Love Medley – ikeracity

Summary: Charles and Erik have been friends and roommates for two years. They've also, coincidentally, been in love with each other for two years. Neither of them has ever had the courage to admit it to the other, but Erik's new friendship with Magda and an untimely accident forces them to confront their feelings once and for all.

it was a red scarf semester – ikeracity

Summary: When Erik makes a bet that he can get into Charles Xavier's pants before the semester ends, he doesn't expect Charles to resist quite so much. And he doesn't expect Charles to change everything he thought he knew about mutants, friendship, and love.

Can You Feel My Heart – FuryRed

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr hates Charles Xavier.It’s as true as the words written on the wall in the bathroom at the university that Erik attends. Erik sees them one day- accompanied by a crude drawing of Erik and Charles glaring at each other- and recognises the truth of the sentence, and smiles.

He hates Charles. Probably…

Enemies With Benefits – bettysofia

Summary: Casual sex with your sworn enemy gets tricky once feelings get involved.

CMUniverse - Pookaseraph

Summary: A series of fics that star Tony, Charles, and Erik (and probably some others as the idea expands) at Carnegie Mellon University. Some are AU of each other, don't use logic.

Math Reasons - pearl_o, pocky_slash

Summary: "Mom says Erik always knows what he wants, it just sometimes takes him a little while to actually realize it," Ruth said.

Charles fell in love with Erik the first night they met, the first week of freshman year. Two years of friendship, adventures, arguments, hijinks, secrets, and summer visits later, Erik is starting to catch up.

Still Life with Cookies – stlkrchck

Summary: It wasn't fair that he only wanted Erik to draw him when Erik wanted to listen to him talk about how unfair the lack of emphasis that tenure committees placed on teaching ability was and tuck him into the hat and scarf and mittens that he wore even though it wasn’t properly cold yet and kiss his gorgeous, ridiculously red mouth and make out with Charles on the bed that he'd apparently wedged between the window and "pipes of some sort, don't ask me why there are pipes in my room, Erik," in his tiny dorm room.

Or: Charles is a nude model, and Erik is an art student.

The Pretender – Clocks

Summary: Charles is sick of having his best friend Erik drop to one knee and fake-propose to him in restaurants, just to score a free dessert. He doesn’t know which is worse: the complete embarrassment, or the likelihood that Erik doesn’t mean a word of it.

That time the System didn’t work – bluexlily

Summary: "pick each other up from bad dates" au

They had stablished The System a long, long time ago.

Since they became each other’s roommate, actually, and realized that they had more in common than their home state and decided they should be friends.

Whenever he or Charles is on a date, they send a first message after meeting the prospected boyfriend.

Accidentally Welcome to the Rest of Your Lives - Kianspo

Summary: Non-powered college AU. Erik and Charles have nothing in common until they end up having sex at someone's party. They don't have much in common after that, either, but find each other a hard habit to quit.

A Study in Advanced Lecherism - orphan_account

Summary: Charles has this thing he does when he's drunk. He gets completely lecherous. For some reason, that really pisses Erik off. Who knew?

Learning Curve – pocky_slash

Summary: (Non-powered college AU) Erik takes a trip back to campus to visit a despondent Charles and does his best to offer comfort.

Charles Does Not Buy a Shamwow - Madneto

Summary: Charles and Erik are spending the first few days of their university's winter break alone at Erik's mother's house. Then, Erik's mother decides to come home early unannounced... while Erik and Charles are naked on the living room couch.

5 Times Charles Had Nothing to Say and 1 Time He Did – BadLuckBlueEyes

Summary: Charles Xavier usually has a lot to say. But sometimes he doesn't and that's nice too. (Written for the prompt: Erik befriending and falling in love with mute!Charles)

Five Useful Signs When Dating Charles Xavier (a down under remix) – letosatie

Summary: Erik meets a fascinating mute boy and rapidly discovers sign language is useful.

Home Together (The Finding Our Way Remix) – significantowl

Summary: Erik is not the sort of person other students strike up conversations with. His expression, his posture, every part of his manner say: Don’t talk to me. I don’t want to talk to you. But none of that stops the boy ahead of him in line with the collapsible white cane, and nothing can stop Erik from falling for him, like it or not.

The Wall (a.k.a.  Erik Lensherr) – fkbunnyclub

Summary: Charles doesn't really want to have a crush on the cute stoic senior who keeps dropping by the library where he works who also has a pregnant girlfriend. Or so he thinks.

Building a fire – dedkake

Summary: Erik wishes he were in law school instead of med school, because then he would be researching the legal remedies for the doubtless thousands of violations his apartment building's slumlord owner, Sebastian Shaw, has perpetrated on his tenants.

On the bright side, maybe he can finally coax his bizarrely oblivious roommate, Charles into sharing his bed, or curling up together on the couch under many blankets. Purely for surviving the night, of course.

April Showers – ikeracity

Summary: Walking home in the dark in a rainstorm is not Charles' idea of a pleasant night. Of course, the stranger with the umbrella who offers to walk him home makes the experience infinitely more agreeable.

Alles hat ein Ende, nur die Wurst hat zwei – Darksknight

Summary: “My mother has expressed that if I come dateless, I will be assigned one, to put it lightly. So, you see... well, I have a favor to ask. Erik, darling. Will you be my pretend boyfriend?"

Erik thinks it over for a second. "... No."

Mutant House at Dead Kings College – mabyn

Summary: When it comes to romance, Charles has terrible timing.

Best of Enemies – Black_Betty

Summary: Student and mutant rights activist Erik Lehnsherr is furious when the college newspaper chooses to interview his opponent Charles Xavier instead of him.

He's mad because of the politics of the thing. It nothing to do with how hot Charles looks in the picture accompanying the article.

Seriously.

The Luck You’re Born With – Lynds

Summary: College AU. Erik thinks Charles Xavier is an arrogant, rich brat, whose only redeeming quality is his intellect. Charles never disputes this image. Then through an accident Erik finds out that Charles has been long cut off from his family and is essentially a single parent to a ten-year-old Raven.

Like Roses and Wine – Schwoozie

Summary: Charles is not what you would call a “sports person” - but the promise of free kisses after the game, especially with one Erik Lensherr playing midfield, is a temptation Charles can't resist.

Every Song I Know – Fengirl88

Summary: “Erik,” Janos says wearily, “you had amazing sex with this guy. He obviously really likes you. You have, what, a month, six weeks left? You can spend it moping and hiding and worrying you're going to run into him. Or you can call him, have a good time, and figure out where you go from there.”

Erik groans. It's what he wants to do, so much it scares him.

[or, the one where Erik and Charles meet and fall in love as exchange students, break up, and meet again by chance seven years later]

Argue me tender, argue me true – Wild_Imagination

Summary: “You’re having your bad-boy crisis with seven years of delay, Charles.”

“Why must he spit out those hateful, misanthropic, science-free, separatist ideas of his with a face like that!”

Charles and Erik attend the same college, and they never, ever agree on anything. But that's fine, because Charles can't stand him. No, really.

Simultaneity – TurtleTotem

Summary: Trying to deliver roses to his girlfriend, Erik knocks on the wrong door -- but Charles is so happy to get them, how can Erik possibly tell him the truth? Love, lies and exhaustion follow as Erik tries to keep boyfriend and girlfriend happy and, most importantly, unaware of each other!

**Where one of them is a college/university student**

in the moonlight, on a joy ride – scarlettblush

Summary: Librarian AU. Charles is the young librarian and Erik is the college student who is completely besotted with him.

Mutually Beneficial Transaction – Pookaseraph

Summary: In his sophomore year at Columbia University, Erik, feeling slowly strangled by his mounting college debt, places an add on a sugar daddies website. He doesn't know exactly what to expect from it, but when he's contacted by a man named Charles who seems less creepy than the other people who have responded to his profile, he decides to give it a shot. Charles is nothing like what he expected, and Erik finds himself slowly falling in love with his sugar daddy while trying to find out exactly what caused this amazing guy to buy his emotional and sexual intimacy when he clearly deserves so much more than that.

Authority kink – aesc, Subtilior

Summary: “You’re going to be in your room, on Skype with full video, when I call you tonight, at … nine o’clock sharp, your time.”

Tonight.

Erik, a proud and surly graduate student, keeps his deepest, darkest desires under tight control. Charles, his genetics professor, keeps handcuffs on his copy of the university handbook. You can see where this is going.

An Ideal Grace – afrocurl, nekosmuse

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a visiting professor at Columbia University, as well as an acclaimed and award winning poet. Charles Xavier is a lead researcher with the Genetics Department who is well on his way to tenure. But what happens when Charles has to cancel a class because half his students abandon him in favour of a mysterious new English Lit professor? Naturally he ends up sitting in in the class, where Professor Lehnsherr mistakes him for a student. It's really too bad Erik has such a strict policy against dating students. It's also too bad Erik doesn't seem to know how to use Google.

Note: This is not technically a university/college AU, but I’ll let it slide because it’s one of the best cherik fics out there and for the majority of the fic Charles is in Erik’s class (even though, unbeknownst to Erik, he’s a professor as well).

[beantheanarcat]

I dont typically post things like this on any of my social media but I feel like this is important.

I know a lot of you out there struggle with things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD, etc etc.

And I know people always say "It will get better"

And I know youre just Waiting for it to finally get better, but you still feel like it's an empty sentiment said simply to make you feel better, even if it actually doesnt make you feel better.

I know cause I was always waiting for it to get better. I waited the better part of my life for it to get better. Until I just accepted that it would never get better and I should just learn to deal with it.

But I was wrong.

It did get better.

I didn't think it would.

I thought the best it was gonna get was when I went from being suicidal All the time, to just being suicidal when things were really bad. I thought That was "better". Though I know, if you do or have struggle with suicidal thoughts, it IS a lot better to not feel those so often. But my point is, I thought that was as good as it was gonna get.

I was still depressed and anxious. I was still so Angry. I still had trouble just doing...Life, in general. Life was still really hard. Harder than it shouldve been with the circumstances I was in.

I moved far from my old town, and that sorta helped cause I hated my old town, but that's not what made things better. I got a new doctor, who gave me a new medication (cymbatla, if anyone is wondering), that I've been taking for...5 months now.

And I'm not depressed anymore. Its pretty much just gone. Most days its gone. Every once in awhile I have an off day, but even then its nothing like it was before. My anxiety is still there, but I have more ability to control it. My PTSD is gone. My anger is gone.

Its finally better.

Now I'm not here trying to push pills onto folks. I have seen all sides of medications, good and bad...mostly bad. I know someone who was given various very strong anti psychotics they didnt even need, leaving them with more problems than they had before the medication. I was given welbutrin, which later caused me to attempt suicide - and almost succeed. Ive been given and seen people given meds that made things worse, or just did nothing. Medications are tricky and serious. Id been on so many I figured none would work for me. I only tried cymbalta cause I have chronic pain and its supposed to help with that (which it has.)

But it's gotten better for me now. I'm able to enjoy life, not be so mad. Id given up on it ever getting better, but I was wrong.

So I just want y'all to know, it can still get better. And I mean Really better, Happy better.

And I dont mean you Have to take meds, everyone is different and this is just what worked for me. But theres still something out there for you that will take the pain away. Maybe its a pill, maybe its a new therapy, maybe its a pet, or a game, or a friend, or a book. Who knows. But its out there just waiting for you.

And most importantly...

I know you're trying. And you're doing a good job.

I know it seems like you can never do enough, that you're not trying hard enough, like youre letting everyone down. I know what its like when the people around you just get tired of dealing with you.

But I'm not tired of you.

I see you trying your best every day. No matter how big or small it is.

Youre doing a great job.

Keep going.

[ursoself-satisfying]

do you think eugene is maybe scared of long boat trips? i was thinking about it the other day, maybe he plans on going on holiday with his s/o and the only way to go abroad would be on a boat right? but maybe he would get a little (a lot? im not an expert on this) ptsd while being on the boat and his s/o supporting him but not fully understanding because lets be honest, no-one apart from the soldiers fully understand this sort of stuff, and maybe there's another veteran on-board who helps him?

Before we get into it I wanna say I totally agree n that unless u actually have experienced that ur rly not gonna understand what the person is going thru n this applies to all kinds of trauma but just bc u dont understand doesnt mean u cant do ur best to or that u cant still love support n help them handle it n it doesnt mean they're not gr8tful for ur involvement even if u dont understand,, writing for post war eugene is always tricky cus I dont wanna assume ik how any of this goes or the extent of what it entails i havent done this I've barely done any research its heartbreaking tho n unfair n I just wanted to say all that before u get into this cus it's a combo of both asks but also more of a touchy subject than I feel like I've addressed here so that's just a heads up but enjoy!!

Omg eugene my bby

I def think hes still afraid of boats big time,, so when the two of u decide to go abroad for ur honeymoon it's a big decision for u two to make one w lots of beforehand discussions n considering all ur other options but in the end the push of ur families n the pull of the convenience of a boat eases u both into the decision, even tho nothing about it u kno is going to be easy,, Eugene is p nervous cus I mean the nightmares have lessened n u both have been learning how to handle his flashbacks n the like but u had never tried anything like this yet so on one hand it could be a good time to test the waters but on the other hand neither of u have any idea how itll actually go

Even just in the car on the way there he starts to get shakey n then on the dock it gets a bit worse but ur hands r on him somehow the whole time either locked in his or on his leg or arm or stuck in his pocket n that comforts him, ur touch anchors him n keeps him from drifting to worse thoughts it keeps him thinking about u instead,, its till hard tho just thinking about it being back on that boat forcing himself to remember hes going to France n it's not occupied n hes not alone n hes going to get to see the sights w his wonderful wife n thoroughly enjoy those bright French mornings n that it's going to be quiet, no more bombs or raids or alarms just u n him under thin sheets hot n sticky n just together n safe

But first,, the boat

On the boat? It was rough,, every bit of turbulence n every odd sway made him anxious n as much as u tried to entice him to enjoy more of the boats activities like a cabaret show or even just playing some chess out on the deck n tho u could get him out a few times n he did enjoy himself,, he spent most of his time in the cabin trying to ignore the fact he was on a boat at all,, the rest of his time not being coaxed out by u he spent napping in a deck chair w u often lounging beside him n watching over his sleep carefully, also making sure he didnt burn n lathering her exposed skin in sunblock as much as u could as he slept

U two kept busy in the cabin tho I mean it was ur honeymoon after all ;;;))) so he ravaged u as often as he could bc not only were u a comfort but also a distraction,, u did other things as well tho like laying n listening to ur favourite radio shows or playing guitar to him or sketching him or dancing together or once even doing a silly little fashion show where he def tripped after putting on ur heels

He did have a few attacks tho but u had prepared as best u could n even if some of ur cabin took a beating in an outburst u had always managed to talk him down n he spent a lot of time in ur arms

His breakdowns btw would come suddenly when something would trigger him like a sudden movement or a splash against ur window n then he would get angry n scared n become protective of u until his aggression bubbled over into hot tears drowned out by ur soft words of confirmation trying to tell him u were on a modest cruise liner n u were going to Europe n that the guns n the bombs n the tropical climate were all far away n u would pull him into a cold shower w u n he would often (fuck u hard first then) just cling to u n cry until he could calm down n fall asleep n if he stirred in his sleep u would repeat the process until he could sleep soundly

He was gr8tful to finally be off the boat n back on land tho n once in Paris the two of u could rly enjoy ur honeymoon beginning w breaking in ur hotel bed ;;;)))

But then the two of u got to see the Eiffel Tower n the Seine n the Louvre n Notre dame n it was all so amazing!!!! U spent half the time w ur head in ur sketchbook n he spent all his time taking photos of u w ur head in ur sketchbook lol

The photos were brilliant n sweet n excessive n there were def a few of u bare n freshly fucked (pardon my french) w the Parisian skyline out the window behind u, the morning like shining thru ur messy hair like a halo,, but there were also many of him from the perspective of u kneeling over him n many more of both of u playfully holding up the tower or picnicking in front of a cathedral w u plucking at ur guitar or him w a bottle of wine at his lips

It was all v picturesque n romantic n perfect n u thought he deserved nothing less n he thought the same for u ::""))

U spent about 4 weeks there together n he had throughly used his time to fuck u in every way possible n use every toy u brought with but then it was suddenly time to go home n u were concerned about eugene being back on the boat but he seemed less nervous when u got on n he admitted to feeling a lot better after the first trip n this time he actually went out w u n u played board games w other passengers n danced in the halls n sang w the cabaret n he still sunbathed n napped n made love to u n wrecked ur cabin n u still listened to all ur radio shows n drew n sang but ur lives felt more full somehow after this experience

Oh n u def showed off everything u had bought is Paris n as much as he loved that silk dress on u he loved peeling it off u even more ;;;)))

He rly did feel better when u were finally home to ur little cottage for the first time together as a globetrotting married couple ::"")) he felt better that he hadnt handled it nearly as bad as hed expected n urs n his trip abroad left u feeling loved n cultured n more experienced in life plus u both had taken a huge chance n now u were better for it n felt more capable n confident that he was getting better n it was an affirmation that u would take care of him n that u would always be there for him, just as u had said in ur vows ::""))

He was happy to consummate ur new marriage in ur own bed for the first time tho lol n on top of that gr8 feeling it was just gr8 that he felt less held back w u there w him especially after the boat experience

So yeah a quick note I rly do think he would be terrified of ever stepping foot on a boat again n would refuse it n be vvv adamant about not doing it again for a vvv long time but I think he could be worn down n would EVENTUALLY be ok w it but maybe not this fast n tho I dont feel like I go into much detail here he def has a hard time on the boat as well like hes just agitated the whole time n probably was prescribed some medication for it if just some motion or sea sickness meds n maybe anxiety but i would say it prolly makes him drowsy so hes kinda out of it which keeps him calm but doesnt stop certain flashbacks n maybe he lashes out n hurts someone once in a while cus it's incredibly traumatic returning to that environment but anyway yeah he would be v fidgety n not like it but in this scenario hes willing to take a chance given how well hes been recovering n how much he trusts u n how much u have helped him n the option had pull so that's why but rly I dont think irl he would have gone back on a boat anywhere near that soon but this is romantic fiction so ::))

Also I have a v specific image of who eugene is w if u cant tell lol so I'm sorry for that specificity but I'm so whipped for him n his gal I lov sm I hope u enjoy n guys I'm so motivated to finally write out the storyline I have for him I'm gonna finally get out his fic ok I promise

[toothyblowjob]

hi! i’m anon from mamoru (asking here cus asks aren’t on on ur sims blog) i’m really interested in your thoughts about incorporating disabilities into the sims, i’m trying to develop my own sims game cus fuck ea lol, and i’d really like to be as incorporating of disability as possible. thanks!

damn, my asks weren’t on? that sucks. i think i fixed it now, but i swear i already had them on...

anyway!!!

i’m looking at this more from a perspective of “how to make the sims 4 better” than like “how to make my own video game” and i don’t know much about coding or game development so idk how helpful some of this will be but hopefully some will?? infodump incoming!!! sorry if it’s not that coherent. i’ve bolded some keywords in case you want to only read sections pertaining to certain disabilities.

starting with canes, bc i use one and i wish my simself did: sims 3 had canes, but for some reason they were coded weird so only elders could use them (iirc modders weren’t even able to fix it?? wtf ea). plus ts4 has custom walkstyles, and your sim can hold things like umbrellas while walking, so it’s almost definitely possible to add canes and crutches.

adding walkers would probably be a very similar process, tho i can imagine there might be some issues w clipping? not that ea has ever given a single fuck about that lmao

i’m a little bit less sure how wheelchairs would work, but the best reference i can think of is the strollers from ts3, or maaaybe some of the smaller vehicles. i have a vague memory of like a bike or a hoverpad or something that you could ride everywhere and not just on the road, but idk. the main issue i can see is that certain animations and interactions would need to be a lot more flexible--eg, sims would need to be able to do things like cook or paint or give hugs while sitting down. i can also see it being a little tricky to animate “transfers” from like, a wheelchair to a desk chair or w/e. honestly i think this would be easier to implement in sims 4 than it would have been in sims 3, because ts4 at least allows you to multitask some things. idk, it would probably be on the harder side, but holy shit it would be so worth it.

and then for some reason when i think about wheelchair users in the sims i start to wonder how feasible it would be to include little people (i hope that’s the right term?). simmers have been wanting height sliders since at least ts3, but any time a modder tries to add one the animations start getting kinda wonky, and i don’t think anyone’s really considered a height slider that goes low enough to make sims with dwarfism. i KNOW there are non-sim games out there that use height sliders, but idk how tf they do it without giving everyone telekinesis.

there was a mod in sims 3 that added sliders for amputated limbs, but it was a purely cosmetic thing, so like, sims would still walk like they had two legs or write with their “missing” hand or w/e. ideally i’d love to see a way to give sims limb differences that actually affected how they went about their lives + gave them the option to use prosthetics. i found a set of running blades in the “shoe” category for sims 4, but like... if you give them to a sim they’ll still magically grow legs in the shower lol.

deafness i think ties into my desire for sims to be able to speak multiple languages. not all deaf people use sign language, of course, but it would be great if sims had the option. i guess languages would function like any other skills, and if two sims don’t have any languages in common, they won’t be able to communicate beyond very basic things. maybe if you wanted a deaf sim to be able to speak, you could hire a speech therapist, or purchase some sort of object for them to practice with. also, dyou remember the earbuds in ts3 that made it so like, you’d only hear the music when you selected the sim using earbuds? i think you could probably make it so that when a deaf sim is active the game volume is either much lower or completely off. then for things like hearing aids, you could equip them and the volume would get a little bit higher.

blindness could use a similar mechanic, but instead of everything being silent, everything would be very dark and low-contrast. maybe objects that were making noise or places your sim had been before would have more detail. blind sims could also use navigation canes that would like... light up the area immediately in front of them.

invisible disabilities, allergies, and neuropsychiatric conditions would probably be a bit easier to add. sims 4 has a “quirk” system for celebrities where certain actions can trigger your famous sims to develop new traits. 

i think the best example of how you could use this to make, for example, mental illnesses is the “emotion bomb” quirk. famous sims develop it after experiencing intense anger or sadness, and it basically makes them experience that emotion much more intensely. that’s already a symptom of a mental illness called bpd! so what if something like repeatedly being mean to a child sim had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop bpd? or if having a powerful sad or tense moodlet had a 0.1% chance of causing them to develop depression? 

(side note: i can really easily picture something similar to the “dark form” for ts4 vampires being used for dissociative identity disorder. genetics would be consistent across all personality states, but they could have different traits and voices and clothing,)

certain conditions could also be present at birth, like autism or adhd. i actually have custom traits for these; they’re not perfect, but if you want to google them they might be a good reference. one little thing that i think would be neat is if autistic sims had idle “stimming” animations, like flapping their hands or spinning in a circle. the biggest problem, though, is that autism and adhd are highly variable and i’m not sure how to make it so that not all autistic sims have the same behaviors.

allergies i guess would have to have some sort of severity scale, and be triggered by a sim eating a certain food or petting a certain animal. i’d want the likelihood of a sim developing a particular allergy to be pretty low, but that’s just me lol. maybe sims with allergies could keep meds on hand to deal with the worst of their attacks?

actually, the allergies thing reminds me--diabetic sims! depending on which type, a sim could either be born with it or contract it later in life. i’m not totally familiar with how insulin works, but a sim could have a pump equipped to mitigate their symptoms, or take regular injections.

i have a custom trait in my game for chronically ill sims, which basically makes their energy deplete faster and sometimes gives them moodlets with little blurbs about their illness. this seems like a pretty good system for chronic illnesses, but obv it would vary a lot by which illness your sim has--eg, would you actually animate a sim with ehlers-dahnlos popping a joint out of their socket, or would you just give them an uncomfortable moodlet? in particular, though, i think the mechanic that makes elder sims unable to do most exercise would be great for sims with dysautonomia. 

also, i’ve mentioned some assistive devices already, but i think figuring out how treatment works would be a big deal. do sims have single-payer healthcare, or do they have to pay for everything themselves? can sims crowdfund their medicine? what kind of treatments/cures are available? are their side effects? some conditions don’t have cures irl, but maybe a sim can pay like $30k to a witch to make their fibromyalgia go away!

this is almost definitely more info than you wanted and i’m kinda embarrassed i wrote this much, but uh... here you go, a mostly stream-of-consciousness essay on disabilities in the sims! god i hope it’s readable

[tgr489]

Lent-ills

OK so it’s Lent, the jolly season for abstinence, Whilst this is primarily a Cristian holiday other religions offer up the same fasting shenanigans too which means the bulk of the population play homage to such tribulations I thought why not join them. So with the muslims using the exercise to bring them closer to their god and the christians having it as a prep for the big event, I’ve decided I need to bring myself closer to me, because I am my own god, no I don’t have a god complex, and I’ll plan for something ‘big event-wise’ for the easter weekend. 

What to give up? Traditionally this is meat, fish and fat, but that’s kind of easy, well giving up a bit of fat may be tricky, but the rest is fairly simple. I can go without meat quite happily enough, fish would be a bit harder but doable. I’ve lived with various forms of the more choosier eater. From those that only meat which swims in the sea and things that don’t have a face, to those which abstain from animal products altogether.Crazy ones those. So anyway I have a pretty good repertoire of vegetarian meals. So I thought of all the things I probably do without for the next 6 and a bit weeks.

I started thinking about all those things I’d given up in the past the I’d had some form of addiction to, voluntarily or forcibly, and ultimately how many I’d not gone back to and those that were repeat offenders.

Alcohol

Cigarettes

Weed

Cocaine

Workf

Money

The top too are by far the biggest offenders from my past and the hardest ones to ever give up, but everyone knows this, and I managed to finally quit cigarettes a few years back. I realised the first time I smoked weed it would be a life long relationship, and it pretty much has been to this day. Alcohol was the first substance I didn’t realise I had a problem with, until a doctor pointed it out to me. When asked how many units of alcohol I usually drink I said 10 to 15, maybe double that on a weekend night. He stood there like a large mouth bass, shocked at what I’d told him. I spent a bit of time following that conversation in hospital recovering from a car accident, so the abstinence was forced, but it wasn’t difficult. I didn’t want it and when I was discharged I didn’t rush out and get tanked because I craved it. I just enjoyed it a lot for that time in my life. Everyone I worked and socialised with, drank about the same as I did. I was working in a bar/restaurant to put some context to it, but no one seemed to have a problem with it, we were just young and having fun. Of course Booze and Fags are dirty bed fellows, with the raunchy Weed to make it a convenient ménage à trois. Because of the pain meds I was on I couldn’t touch alcohol, and smoking without drinking is like pretty unsociable so they were easy. Weed however was back on the scene as soon as possible. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t like to cane it excessively, just have a toke at least once of twice a day. 

With the good ol’ Bolivian marching powder, I had a bit of a heavy thing with for a very short period of time, but when I saw what it did to a good bunch of people, I banged it on the head for a long while. This now has it’s time and place in my life, sometimes not always nicely at the same time but it’s all about moderation. 

The last 2 went hand in hand as well. But for different reasons. When I work I like to work really intensely for short periods of time and then balance it out by doing some serious time wasting and chilling out. I’ve pretty much lived like this for a long while and it suits me very nicely. The period of my life where I had a workaholic thing defined my life, to a degree, and at some point I’ll write it all down, because that intense section of time will be of benefit to me for hopefully the rest of my life. Essentially I worked like a demon trying to deliver a vision of something I could never really achieve, and I didn’t realise I’d succeeded in delivering a vision which so many people loved, that money just came flooding in to me and my flunky business partners. After a year I was done and walked away and took a year off and did some travelling.

Coming back to the task in hand and I’ve decided on giving up Sugar. It’s in just about everything in a form or other and I can almost certainly do with less of it. At 2 weeks in it has been fucking hard. I have a bit of sweet tooth so I know I’ve always gotta keep some restraint, but actually giving it up has been harder than I thought. The stuff is in more than I first imagined. To take my mind of it I actually started running again, although this will be short lived, as running from my place is tricky unless I run early or late to avoid the masses of people. As the weather is warming up I will be back on my bike in no time and that’s far easier on the body than the impact of running. Of course I could get impacted by a car but I’ll take my chances.

I’ve also taken up a sewing class, at the coercion of Jason’s girl, Mina. After learning how to sew a cushion I’ve already planned for making a small zipper bag to keep all the fucking cables and adapters I continually have to carry around to plug 2 apple devises into each other, a power socket or a screen. It’s ridiculous. Anyway my idea is cool, the delivery will be taxing but the vision of the end product is awesome so I’ll smash it. Plus with my focus on that I’m taken away from thoughts of a girl out west, which is still distracting me. There’ll be more on this and I’ll share photos.

I covered the whole addiction thing with my man and he seems to think I have a grip on things in that area. I’m sure he was a ‘shroom head when he was a bit younger, he just has that look about him.  I asked but he turned it back on to me. We both play that evasion game a times.

Anyways it’s sunny out today and I’m going for a long walk up town to see Harv. Later gator. 

[gamearamamegathons]

Trauma Center: Second Opinion: Bombs Are Basically Organs, Right?

[Content warning for surgery stuff, and euthanasia, a topic which this game *also* handles poorly]

Circe here! So, now that Derek has learned to use dark magic and defeated evil lung monsters, he's caught the attention of Caduceus, a super research lab that's all about curing incurable diseases. GUILT, admittedly, seems pretty curable with basic surgical tools, you just have to be really good with them, but I guess wielding the healing power of dark magic is worth taking notice of. Derek decides it'd do the most good to roll with Caduceus, so our next surgery is going to be the last one at this hospital before we move on. Here, we've gotta fix a young girl's heart. Hopefully the music can free her whenever it starts. But her heart, unlike the music, is actually stopping quite a lot instead. I hope you remember how to use the defibrillator! I skimmed over it before, but basically you have to push the remote forward, then press B and Z with specific timing, and you get to try again until either you get it or the patient dies. Yay! Here, we need to replace her heart valve with a fake one, but her heart stops, like, every ten seconds, which makes things a bit tricky. I, um, I'm sure she won't suffer any long-term effects from her heart stopping like a dozen times in the space of five minutes, right? Definitely. She's fine. It's fine. She's fine. She's *fine*.

But okay, time for another aside with Dr. Weaver. This time, a shady guy needs her to remove some real bad tumors from some other guy. These tumors are...weird. Each one is surrounded by three veins that have to be severed with a scalpel before it can be removed. Things get pretty wild near the end, and we find that Dr. Weaver, unsurprisingly, also can use dark magic. So it's all good. It seems like Dr. Weaver is seriously indebted to this shady guy, which is why she takes whatever work he needs her to do. Apparently something went bad in Japan, so she had to change her name and leave -- she used to go by Dr. Kimishima, although I'll admit, that name doesn't mean anything to us right now.

Back to Derek! He's off to Caduceus. Unfortunately, Angie's going with us. We're also introduced to a pretty big cast of characters, but I'll just kinda touch on them as they become important. Our first surgery at Caduceus is basically just practicing on the same tiny disease monster as last time, which we now know is called Kyriaki. There's a ton of different strains of GUILT, and it's basically just a catchall for whatever made-up anime disease monster the devs wanted to stick in.

As promised, one of the characters is now important! Introducing Tyler Chase, Derek's friend from med school. Remember the shady whisperings about a 'death doctor'? Well, it turns out Tyler's our guy. Today, in a very special episode of Trauma Center...let's talk about euthanasia. After Derek finds out about this, Tyler talks about how he just wants to end unnecessary suffering, and that's why he euthanizes patients. He talks about Derek 'turning him in' for this, so with the full breadth of context, it seems very much like Tyler is euthanizing patients in secret, illegally, and without asking them. Which...I think is actually murder, not euthanasia.

This comes to a head when we see Tyler's kid sister Amy. She's infected with an incurable strain of GUILT, and all the surgery that has been done on her hasn't helped. Tyler thinks we should just stop, rather than prolong her suffering, but Derek cannot allow that, so he insists on operating. When we go to Amy's room, she says she wants the surgery, and this one moment of a patient objecting to being allowed to die abruptly changes Tyler's mind completely. Which, again, confirms that Tyler has really not been asking anyone if they want to be euthanized. I should hate Tyler more, but this plot point is so bizarre and artificial that I can't really work up the same kind of reaction as I did to Angie. At least there's a sort of driving logic behind Tyler's actions, even if they're, like, kind of awful. This exchange also tells us a lot about the core ethos of Trauma Center, but I think I'm going to save a discussion of that for the end of this game, after we've really had a good chance to just...take in this game's worldview in full.

The surgery itself is more GUILT-based absurdity. This kind if called Deftera. It's made up of red and blue parts, which the game calls tumors, and claims that they only appear to move by replicating their DNA very rapidly. I can only figure that this is confirmation that their tiny monster appearances are kind of...visual metaphors for disease, I guess? But it's kind of sloppy and imprecise so I'm going to continue to treat them as totally literal. Anyway, when a blue and red one crash into each other, they start trying to consume each other, and they can be damaged in this moment. When they're damaged enough, they start freaking out and damaging the patient a lot, but then we can cut them out and remove them. It takes me a couple tries, because it gets kinda hectic once the game introduces two of each color. But eventually we manage it, and Tyler realizes that actually people don't want to die. Hoo-ray.

After this, Derek heads off to an international doctors' conference with another Caduceus doctor, Cybil Meyers. Apparently she used to be a cop before becoming a doctor, and remember that, it's going to be important later. Oh, we also meet Victor Niguel, who's one of Caduceus's R&D guys. Actually, I don't remember if he does anything important, so nevermind him. At the conference, an important-looking guy says that GUILT is being spread by a terrorist organization called Delphi, and we found one of their labs in Africa, where they were experimenting on people. So we should, like, go there and take a look. Everything's good until suddenly, the lights go out and the emergency doors lock everyone inside, and we find a bomb. Cybil makes the logical decision, which is that if we're going to blow up anyway, we should definitely try and just defuse the bomb. I said she's a former cop, right? Apparently she dated a member of a bomb squad, so she like, totally knows about bombs, and how to defuse them with surgical instruments.

Yes, that's right. It's time to operate on a bomb.

As you'd imagine, this patient is a bit unlike any of the others. We need to turn the screws to open the cover, and we need to figure out which way to turn the screws or else the bomb will blow up. After that's done, we need to mess with the voltage, which is just, like, messing with pins till a meter goes right. It's not that interesting. No, the *next* part is where it gets interesting. The bomb core is surrounded by white panels, and at any given time a small number of them will be flashing red. You need to zap the white ones with your laser and avoid the red ones, till they're all gone. I'll admit, it's kinda tense. God, I can't imagine doing this without direct mouse control. Once we get the last of these, we expose the bomb core, but it's surrounded with spinning patterns of red tiles, so we have to laser it without hitting them. It's easiest to use Derek's dark magic here, they go pretty fast. With that done, the bomb is defused, and all the doctors are saved.

Time to go to Africa!

Wait, hold on. First, on the plane over, one of the passengers gets sick, so we have to drain his bad stuff out. This is a pretty conventional surgery, except you're regularly interrupted by airplane turbulence. I also found it kinda boring. You spend way longer than necessary draining fluid from this guy.

OKAY NOW WE'RE IN AFRICA. We find this village abandoned, but after some searching we find this one kid, who conveniently leads us to Delphi's lab. There's not much there, it's been totally abandoned too. The trip turns out to be a wash, but worse yet, when we see the kid again, he's caught...TRIANGLES.

Okay, so let me break this down, because this is where the game starts getting mean. This kid's organ is getting covered with triangles, which basically will petrify it. This will kill him...obviously. This thing is made up of two parts: a regular pattern of triangles, and thorns that stick out of the points of the triangles. A triangle can only be removed when there are no thorns touching it, but the thorns grow back fairly quickly. Also, whenever you remove a triangle, they will attempt to go through a growth cycle. In a growth cycle, an empty space becomes a triangle if it's adjacent to a triangle and two thorns are touching it. There's also another condition, which I only learned about from the wiki, where a triangle with no other triangles next to it will generate three new ones, one on each edge, if it has any thorns touching it at all. Phew. You can see how this could get out of control quickly. I appreciate how this is sort of a puzzle, but it also feels like it doesn't take very many mistakes before you may as well just start over, because if there's a lot of triangles, beating back the growth of thorns is brutal. Also, some thorns will dissolve into mist, and if you don't vacuum the mist out, it'll spread even more triangles. This isn't very hard, but the biggest problem is that it distracts you from your flow of removing thorns as quick as possible, and can lead to falling behind very quickly. It's hectic and difficult, but with a bit of quick thinking and careful action, you'll get rid of every triangle.

At this point, we've actually just hit a chapter break, so I might see about breaking these posts into single chapters from now on. We'll see how that goes. So let's review: shocking a small child's chest a dozen times, tumors with vein shields, amazing fighting color-coded tumors, a fucking bomb defusal with a scalpel and a surgical laser, and of course the peril of triangles. That is all, see you next time!

[outdamnedguilt]

vent

———-

I love you. I love you and ive never loved anyone like this. Next month we’ll have been dating for a YEAR. That’s really weird to think about. It hasn’t always been easy but at the same time it hasn’t felt. Difficult. It’s nice and a milestone, but not an “oh god we made it.” I dont want to take it back. I love him. I love him in ways I didn’t know existed. I love him in ways that made me ache in all the right places.

And that’s where it gets tricky, yeah? Because he does this thing where we promised to change and promises to work on stuff and it’s a month, two tops, and then. It’s back. And this is his last chance. He knows if he fucks this up it’s going to be a “one that got away” thing. And so will I, but I’m going to mourn for the person I could have had. I love this one but I can’t do this forever. How fucked is that? How casually cruel. It’s the eating and health thing where he got a nutritionist and lost 15 pounds and talked big game about wanting to lose like, 50 pounds except now he’s using his diet as a justification to eat shit and slack off instead of using this as a justification to change. Do you really want to change? Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you try? I don’t understand. Like you don’t understand why people are stupid, I don’t know why people won’t try. Congrats! You had all the tools and never used them! You yell at me for not using skills or calling Kati but what about you? Do you listen to your therapist? Do you lie to her too?

You don’t know you’re lying, do you? You lie to yourself enough that you believe it. You hear what you want to hear. You make it the truth. It’s killing me, you know? Did you know that? Did you know you give me panic attacks and I call it caring? You told me today when you were drunk that the only thing you really cared about was power and you’d sacrifice your morals and everything for it because nothing mattered to you and the faster you realized that nothing mattered in life the faster you’d be able to get places.

You made me want a fucking family, asshole.

You made me actually want to care about people and you made me open up and you made me think that maybe life had purpose and that the best part of it was the part you realize with other people. That you matter, and people matter, and the morals and values and activities you build your foundation on are what you base your happiness on. He bases his happiness on me. And here’s the part where I can hold him but I can’t fix anything and I don’t know how and I’m not even mad I’m just upset and I’m scared that I’ll lose you and that you never turn into the kind of person that stands for something. If you don’t stand for anything, what will you fall for? Boyfriends made out of cardboard and tape. Blow away in the wind.

And the part I tried to say something about was that I’m scared. But I wasn’t going to bring up us, because bad mental state rough night etc etc etc. I was scared because I’ve been manic for three days and I stopped feeling hunger and idk I’d I’ve eaten over 2000 calories over the last 3 days combined but I have so much energy and I hyper focus on work. I’m amazing. I’m a robot. I’m obvi cable. I’m not sleeping. Like, 5, 4, 5, 3, 3 hours. That’s deadly. And so much caffeine. And so many ibuprofens and lithium and meds. I’m wrecking my body in a desperate attempt to be good enough to keep it together. That’s why I was scared. Because I was sitting in the bathroom and shaking uncontrollably and can’t focus my eyes on anything to me and I was SCARED. And I was trying to tell you that I can’t stop thinking about tearing my thighs apart and I can’t think of a single good reason not to hurt myself other than “everyone will be upset at me” because I want to feel something human and I want to prove I’m still a human with blood and not circuit wiring because I don’t feel human. That’s what I wanted to say josh, because I went to go stuff all those feelings down and walk in and pretend I was so okay but then we tried to talk and I KNOW I have bad timing and my bipolar flares up at the perfect wrong time so the conversation didn’t happen and I let you sidetrack it and then you had a panic attack and I held you and everything was okay.

You kept repeating that you needed to stuff it down. That it wasn’t you. The bad stuff. And I know it isn’t you because I know you. But I can’t tell you that you have to unpack your god complex and you can’t hide everything you don’t like because it scares you. You know every one of my fucking skeletons and you’re watching open all the locked doors that you’re slamming closed on yourself. Do you see? I did the same thing. I know how it feels to have feelings that aren’t you and you don’t want so you try and step on them. I’m having them right now! Look babe! A party trick! I can kill myself at the drop of a hat! Isn’t that funny? That I tried to tell you.

And now it’s 3:30 am and I’m bawling my eyes out in the corner of your bed because I want to not exist and I want to disappear and I want to go in your fucking bathroom and tear a razor apart so I feel something and so all my temper tantrums and moods and sadness and burden gets paid for. You’re too patient. I have to burn something down, but you’ve already got yourself covered. You’re doing everything so right and being so supportive (like, with hiccups sometimes but on balance great) and I feel like all I ever am at you is irritated unless it’s me staring at you across the passenger seat when you take me out to dinner and play pop punk and we sing together at the top of our lungs. And then we get to the restaurant and you have no money because you don’t have a job and keep making excuses for why. Fucking dammit I wanted this to work. FUCK. FUXK. I want to scream. I’m already sobbing. I love you I love you I love you.

It isn’t enough

[calledchaos]

VILLANELLE IS NOT A PSYCHOPATH, IN THIS ESSAY I WILL-

Okay, so Killing Eve is currently my favorite TV show, but there's one thing that's been bothering me since season one and it's the INCORRECT assumption that Villanelle is a psychopath.

First things first, please note I'm not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, but I've done a lot of research for this show (if you listen to the parcast's Serial Killers podcast, you saw what I did there 💁🏾‍♂️).

While I don't know a lot about hired assassins, I do have a fair amount of knowledge on serial killers and their traits. So let's break Villanelle's character down so I can explain why I don't believe she's a psychopath OR sociopath, for that matter.

Actually, before we even to that, let's clarify WHAT IS a psychopath. For starters, the correct medical term used, as in, when you get diagnosed it's not as a psy/sociopath but rather as having antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). A person with ASPD can be born like that (that's what we usually call a psychopath) or can become like that (that's the sociopath). Their main difference is that psychopaths are most likely to be organized and calculating, whereas sociopaths are more "react in the moment" type, they're sloppy and messy.

Here's some patterns of ASPD:

* Superficial charm;

* Dishonesty;

* Lack of empathy;

* Coldness;

* Inability to form honest relationships;

* Poverty of emotions;

* They don't think through the consequences of their actions and they don't care about them either.

* They break rules, laws, moral codes, etc.

Now you're probably going like "well, you just described V before she met Eve", BUT NO, my dear fellow gay, NO. What really sorts a person with ASPD out is their inability to FEEL REMORSE.

They CANNOT FEEL IT. It's been scientific proven that their brains are wired in a different way than the regular human. If they're in a relationship it isn't based on love, but rather some kind of profit, whether it's financial or sexual, or whatever. If they're with you it's because they WANT something FROM you. They don't form relations as in "I vs You", but rather as "I vs It".

Now what normally shapes a person's personality besides their nature it's their nurture. Villanelle grew up in a toxic home with an abusive mother. That's like... mental illness starter pack (a very familiar field for tumblr users, ain't it? Have you taken your meds today btw?). Did yall see her mother? It's pretty easy to understand why she looks for validation so desperately and why she's attracted to older women with wild hair. Mommy issues at its finest.

Now to be diagnosed with ASPD a person necessarily needs to also be diagnosed with conduct disorder before the age of 15. For what we've learned, Villanelle was a difficult child and she did set the orphanage she was living in on fire, which is one of the patterns to qualify her. But if you suffer from some kind of abuse at an early age, you will act out, one way or another. They didn't make it clear, but I don't believe she used to torture animals and commit petty crimes when she was a kid, and those are the most common behaviors of children with conduct disorder. So if she didn't behave like that, she couldn't be diagnosed with ASPD after she turned 18.

When she killed Anna's husband it was from a place of jealousy, which's pretty common for female murderers, you don't have to be a psychopath for that, could very much be a crime of passion. His castration, however, indicates she perhaps needed to set a ritual to get her point across - which she repeated when she murdered Frank, but then again that was staging the body to shock Eve... Did she want to shock Anna as well or did she want to emasculate the husband? Honestly, I don't remember what that was about. BUT had her not be recruited by the Twelve, would she had killed again? She seems to be questioning that herself and from where I'm standing, I'd say maybe no. Because SHE ISN'T A SERIAL KILLER. I mean, now she is by definition, considering she's killed a ton of people, BUT LIKE serial killers kill because that's all they know, that's the only thing that brings them fulfillment and even that it's a tricky statement, because MALE serial killers kill for satisfaction; FEMALE serial killers normally kill for profit, like a tool to reach their goal. There are very few female serial killers that I know of that kill for the sake of it or even less so, for sexual gratification.

It's difficult to follow a pattern with a character, because you don't know how accurate the writer intended to be or how vast is their knowledge on people with ASPD, but because she has shown empathy for various characters so far (Konstantin, that kid she killed in the hospital so he wouldn't have to live without his family, her brothers...) and also because she fell in love with Eve, she CAN'T have ASPD. I mean, sure when it comes to human behavior nothing is 100% certain. Gary Ridgway, aka The Green River Killer, was convicted for murdering 48 women, but by the time he was caught he was married to a woman who pretty much said he was a great, loving and caring husband and he did say he actually loved her too, but he kept soliciting service from sex workers and killing them afterwards.

The thing is, specialists say that killing can be addictive. Though I don't consider Villanelle a psychopath, I'm okay with her having psychopathic tendencies. When she said she doesn't feel anything, she's just so bored, remember? It could very much be the reason why she got stuck in killing. Her first kill, Anna's husband, got her in jail where she would've stayed if it wasn't for the 12 recruiting her. They taught her how to do the job and I believe that gave her some kind of fulfillment. It made her finally feel something and that's why she kept killing. She had to learn how to disassociate herself from what she was doing in order to keep doing it. People became just subjects. But once she felt connected with Eve, that all started to crumble down.

Okay, so the first two seasons we don't see her really loving Eve, we see her obsessing over her. And that's pretty easy to crack: there was a middle aged woman with beautiful hair dedicating her days to find Villanelle. For someone who so desperately needed reassurance and attention, that was probably a burst of excitement she wasn't used to feeling.

The game changer happened in season 3, though. That scene when Konstantin told her Eve was still alive was SO WELL DONE. The camera angle tilting to the side, the slow motion, Konstantin's voice fading away. You can actually see in her eyes she's SPIRALING and that single tear rolling down her face while she smiled... IT'S A GOOD SCENE. I think in that moment she realized her feelings for Eve were a lot deeper than just her need to have someone to control and play with. She learned that her actions almost made her lose the one person she actually loves and probably also actually loves her back and she doesn't want to blow the miraculous second chance she got.

Since she thought she had killed Eve she was even emptier inside and killing wasn't giving her satisfaction anymore, but the thought of Eve surviving made her burst with emotions. She didn't need to kill anyone now, she just wanted Eve back.

Needless to say that's NOT how ASPD works. They're literally incapable of these kind of feelings. SO the pattern I THINK fits better is NARCISSISM.

Now, see... There are 10 personality disorders divided in three groups: clusters A, B and C. Antisocial Personality Disorder is one of the four disorders in cluster B and withing this group their common trait is narcissism.

There are two kinds of narcissists, the one that concerns us here are the ones that are charming, confident, they'll do whatever it takes to get what they want, even if means emotionally abusing their peers, manipulation, lying, cheating... They think they're the very apex of the world, people that only know them on the surface love them, they're the life of the party and yada yada yada. They're normally very successful, because when you don't care about people around you, you will climb to the top way faster (most - if not all - CEOs are narcissists btw). You're gonna noticed that this description is pretty similar to ASPD, but the big difference here is that narcissists CAN FEEL REMORSE AND SHAME, people with ASPD CANNOT.

BUT being a narcissist doesn't mean you have a personality disorder, it just means you're probably a fucking jerk. What will give you a diagnosis though is when your narcissistic behavior causes you impediments. When it causes you trouble in all areas of your life, professional, personal, familiar, etc., when it makes you miserable it's when you can be diagnosed with another cluster B disorder: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

It is incredibly difficult to diagnose someone with NPD, because these people very rarely see themselves as having a problem. Like I said, they normally live their best lives, no need to change anything. So when it comes back to bite them in the ass (which sometimes never happens, because the universe is unfair) and if by a miracle they realize that THEY are the problem, that's when you get a NPD ticket. If you're following my thought process you know where I'm going with this...

VILLANELLE ISN'T A PSYCHOPATH, SHE'S A NARCISSIST WHO DEVELOPT NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER.

While being an assassin was giving her everything she wanted, Villanelle was just fine with her nice life, cool flat and fun job. The only thing she was lacking was someone to watch movies with and being a narcissist she thought she had to control someone in order to be loved by them (narcissists are actually very insecure, that's why they're so extra with the manipulation, they don't deal with rejection well). Once she felt actual feelings, when she realized how her explosive ways almost costed Eve's life, that's when she understood that her actions took her to a place she didn't quite like anymore and if she wanted to have a another shot and do things right, she needed to change.

In real life people with NPD need a lot of therapy and even so, they won't impruve much tbh, 'cause that's just how their brains work. But for the sake of the poetry, I'm more than okay with accepting that Villaneve's connection is so strong it made an skilled narcissist assassin to come down from her high horse to put Eve as a priority. Villanelle giving Eve the option to walk away for good to have a better stable life away from the chaos their feelings for each other created is probably the most romantic thing I've ever seen and I can rant about that season 3 finale for hours too, don't try me.

[po8ofhearts246]

Team Project (Games) Final year (week 16)

With our next deadline coming up next week, the team was hard at work on their various assignments and I was determined to not fall behind. I focused my attention on developing high poly versions of of the remaining two versions of the oil tanks and since I had created them before, recreating them as high poly versions was a relatively simple feat. Thus it did not take me long to complete and I submitted both the high and low poly versions of the oil tanks as well as the UV's on to Github. My next objective was to model a med kit using a reference that Adam had given me. Building this model proved to be a tougher challenge than the oil cans as it became necessary to go back a few steps when I considered they were better ways to approach certain problems. Though the process of this development was time-consuming, I was able to complete the full model in just a few days with the only task left being to unravel the models UV's, which would probably prove quite tricky do this he complexity of the model.

It was not long before our Friday session took place and regrettably, Adam was too unwell to attend the session. Matthew and Simon came over to evaluate our progress and while they were pleased that our progression, there was once again some concerns as they wanted to see a actual level, which in their eyes had not been developed yet. They informed that it was the duty of the designers to undertake this task and with Adam out of commission the time being, that task fell on my shoulders. Fortunately, they were not expecting me to build an entire level just like that and simply wanted a blocked out of what it might look like. This made the task much simpler to accomplish and Liam aided me in this by showing me the Github desktop software, which will not only allow me to keep tabs on our product progress but also allow me to update our files in real-time so everyone would be aware of what was being updated and who had done it. One small snag was that because my unreal engine was updating itself with the current build, this made the task a bit more complicated and thus I was unable to undertake this task for this week.

Though the unexpected circumstances surrounding this week were unfortunate, they are certainly not disasters like what took place in previous weeks and considering the nature of the game level, a single day should be more than sufficient to construct a block out of the game stage and be ready for our beta submission next week.

[dxmedstudent]

dx I'm on my first placement where I'm living in hospital accommodation and I'm finding it really hard to leave work behind me at the end of the day. because I can't get any physical distance from the hospital I think, and I'm doing acute care and don't know anyone's outcomes, it hangs over me. not really sleeping at the min. do you have any advice?

Hello! I can empathise, I’ve had outfirms since 3rd year of med school, and stayed in in hospital accommodation for a lot of that time. I’ll be honest, hospital accommodation can be pretty grim; unlike private accommodation, hospitals put very little (read: no) effort into making it feel homely or even vaguely nice. It can feel like an extension of hospital. And I’ve lived close to hospital often enough to agree that it’s hard to distance yourself when you can literally see your workplace from your bedroom window. It’s also difficult to maintain sleep hygeine when you basically live in one room. For that, I’d suggest taking walks after you finish uni for the day, if it’s not too late. Explore the local area, and find the nice places to be, if there are any. Part of your problem is the ‘trapped within four walls’ feeling that comes of living in hospital accommodation. I recommend looking up sleep hygeine, and seeing if there’s anything you can improve on, though it can be tough when we live in a constricted area. I’d also recommend befriending the other students living there, if at all possible. When I’ve liked who I’m living with, it doesn’t much matter to me what the flat itself is like, because living with people you get on with makes it fun. Whereas if you’re kind of alienated from each other, then it’s more miserable for everyone. Try to get everyone to have tea, or cook together once in a while, it might make a big difference. Perhaps even go out together as a group, particularly if you’re all stuck miles away from wherever you all live during termtime. That’s the most fun part of outfirms; the way everyone kind of bands together when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere. I’d also recommend changing your room environment to make it feel more like home. I could never get my friends or colleagues who lived in hospital accommodation for months or even years, but brought so little of themselves to their rooms. Like they looked really bare? That’d make me feel miserable.  The only thing I would not recommend is candles. The fire alarms are always suuuper sensitive. But there are lots of other things you could do. Little things like:

Bring a blanket from home; even if they give you bedding, it’s always really impersonal. Half the time it’s standard hospital stuff.Something from home can make a real difference.

Warm clothes. Sometimes the heating really sucks. One particular winter when I was a student, I ended up wearing a scarf to bed because the heating just wasn’t functional at all during a cold snap.

Fairy lights. I also like fake flowers; they don’t need watering or replacing, and they don’t die.

Houseplants. I have several, and they keep growing, and now I have to think about how I cart a 25cm cactus everywhere, but I still recommend  having some greenery.

Get a couple of nice cushions.

Print photos of all your friends and family. Stick them on the wall. Lots of hospital accommodations have cork boards or something, but otherwise they tend not to care what you do with the wall too much. I have pictures of friends and family from a while back, but also graduation photos to remind me of how hard I worked to get here.

It doesn’t just have to be photos of loved ones. Put up postcards you like. Or inspirational quotes. Or artwork you like. Or pictures of cats. Or pictures of your favourite series, or celebrity crush, or favourite car, or football team, or favourite memes or whatever. It doesn’t actually matter, as long as it’s stuff that makes you happy. In the past, I’ve put up my own art on the walls. Currently, my walls are covered in nice landscape photography, Alphonse Mucha’s art, and cupcakes, all from calendars over the years; I tend to keep the photos I like for putting up when I need cheering up.  I haven’t bothered framing anything nice yet, because its much easier to move around loose paper than framed artworks or photos. One day, when I settle down I’ll have proper framed stuff on the walls. 

Bring something that you do to unwind. Knitting, art materials, ereaders,  games etc. I’ve seen students bring their gaming consoles. I’ve had colleagues bring their keyboards. Have stuff there that helps you to relax. It may be a room you work in, but it also needs to be a room that you can relax in. You can’t really relax if you haven’t brought any of your hobbies with you. For me it’s art materials. I can’t live anywhere without something to create with. It doesn’t even matter if I’m too busy to draw, I still have to have some nearby, just in case I get some spare time.

I bought a colourful plastic tablecover because the tables are usually nasty. Now I look at cupcakes when I’m studying.

Your favourite books or films or CDs etc. You don’t have to bring a huge collection, but it helps to have some stuff that makes you feel happy. I always feel better when my room isn’t just filled with medical books or notes.

Bring the medical books you most find useful, leave the rest at home. You do want at least a few books, because your local hospital library will be much smaller than your university library, and they won’t have everything. If you can leave stuff in your old room or with your parents, it makes it easier because then you don’t need to bring everything.

All hospital accommodation usually has things like table lamps, microwaves or kettles. All of them give you a desk and a chair. There’s usually a dustbin. The flat should have ample cutlery and crockery. If any of this is missing or not working, let accommodation know so they can replace it.

If they don’t have a working kettle, I recommend getting an affordable one from the supermarket, because life is miserable when you can’t even make yourself a cup of tea.

Some basic cleaning kit. Even if there are cleaners (there usually are), I’ve always found that accommodation can be cleaner. Making sure your environment is up to your personal cleanliness standard will probably make you feel better.  Since you can’t burn candles or incense, you can get an infuser or something else to make your room smell nice.

These things can all build a feeling of being ‘home away from home’, particularly if you take them with you from placement to placement. As for acute care, I always found that tricky about being on-call or working in AMU myself. I felt that I never really saw the full effect of our treatment, because no sooner had we started treating, then we shipped them off to another team. On the plus side whenever I did ward cover on-calls, I recognised so many of the patients because they’d all come through our AMU. It made dealing with sickies on the ward a lot easier.  The good news is that you can actually follow patients up with  a modest amount of effort:

When seeing patients, note down their hospital number, initials and DOB. Perhaps ust keep a small pad just for it. Don’t write anything about their clinical conditions, you want this to be anonymised.

Or keep slightly more detailed notes, but keep these in the doctors’ office at hospital. Legally, any identifiable patient information shouldn’t leave the hospital or be left where anyone can see it. Regardless, you should throw the pad in the ‘ confidential waste’ bin when you finish your rotation. Don’t take patient identifiable information with you!

When you have free time, go up to the ward clerk and ask them if they can find out which wards some of your patients ended up on. It’ll take them seconds to find out, if you give them the hospital number.

When you have time, go up to those wards, and after introducing yourself to the ward team, you can either ask them what’s happened to your patients, or ask if you can peruse their notes to catch up. I’d be more than happy for students to be checking up on patients they have seen, and I don’t see why any clinicians or ward staff would object, as long as you’re wearing ID and don’t look suspicious!

 Patients seem genuinely touched to know that you’ve come over to see how they are doing, so you can always pop by and ask the patient themselves.

For me, it’s easier, because I can chase things like blood tests or Xrays on the system myself. But even I have to ask the ward clerk where my patients have gone, and I too sometimes have to get a hold of the day team looking after my patient if I want to check that they are OK. I still do it when I can, because it helps me get feedback on my initial diagnoses. Following up on patients is an important part of our learning process as clinicians, so it’s a great skill to get into the habit of.

I hope this helps :)

[eframschweigersskincells]

If you could rank all the characters in za4 (some main stage NPC's too if you want) what would your ranking be?

Ooooooooooooooooooo boy to rank all the characters in za4, boy of boy this is going to be a though one.

Okay so overall there are 13 characters I believe including main stage npcs.

Karl, boris, shola, jun, hector, Josiah, werner, Marie, bruno, Edie, Dutton, Schweiger and Hitler.

I'll rank them from hated to loved.

13. Edie- fuck edie, you get points for being a fellow brit and that's all you get. As excellent as her voice actor is it can't over shadow how badly I'd strangle edie is she was real. And then this bitch had the a u d a c I t y to slip in to schweiger's spot instantly after we were forced to kill him then gets herself trapped in a fucking nazi facility? I have to drag my arse out there to save you and I dont even get a thank you? And and and I've got some suspicious vibes from her during the entire of the terminal error mission if she turns on us I wouldn't be surprised but I'll still be pissed. Also she looks like the art teacher that burned my artwork out of spite so fuck them both.

12. Jun- now I will give her one thing, her different outfits are actually really cool the night ops looks amazing but that's it. Apart from finding a lot of her dialogue repetitive, dull and slightly grating her perks and cons dont fit with my play style and I just don't find her story that interesting although I'll admit her role in the book was good. Also the people I meet that play her (and thats like 70% of people) are 9 times out of 10 an absolute asshole and an all around maniac who'll die by their own stupidity, but that's besides the point.

11. Josiah- now this one was tricky because if I'm fair I've rarely ever seen him used, I've played this game since day one and over the course I've only ever seen him used atleast 10 times. His perks and cons dont work to my play style and I find his personality slightly jarring and aggravating although I'll admit I like how kind he can be at times. From the few times I've seen him used they have a tendency to just wander off, get their fair share of kills and probably die to a fan trap but they are decently nice in rough situations. As much as I wish I could say more I really can't sorry bud but you're at 11.

10. Hector-Points for being British, minus points for being posh. Hector is a hard character to get along with, I'll say that he can be funny and I'll admit that I did enjoy the effort put in to his voice by whoever voiced him but the voice lines themselves are just slightly frustrating, it might be from my childhood growing up in a rough town surrounded by rich snobby old men that sound exactly like hector and talk in the exact same style as him, or maybe its just my deep rooted hate of the posh brit stereotype but I dont like him too much. I do not mind his alternative outfits and the lucky charm he came with was a main stay on an old favourite weapon of mine, I also liked some of his perks although they didn't really work for me in the long run. I see him A LOT and 9 times out of 10 they are magnets for death, they must think the extra bleed time means they can get away with shit more often because they will just walk in to danger like its nothing and you can't help them either because hector cant heal via divine weapons or grenades and I'm not wasting my med pack on some dumbass who'll waste it seconds later.

9. Dutton- I like Dutton, he's not around much in the main campaign but I like him in the dlcs, hes witty, charming and his voice actor really put effort into him and also his voice lines dont make me want to eat glass. He really stepped up his game from being the captain of a dying ship so to speak to basically your main helping hand while bruno sits on his fat ass and fucking EDIE does nothing but go on and on about dissecting shit and blah blah blah. I cant say much more but yeah Dutton has grown on me I'm glad he got a bigger role, and his shit together.

8. Bruno- bruno you Italian bastard , you came from absolutely nowhere and some how managed to become the boss of the alpha squad! I like his style. Hes a bit dull granted but also a tad aggressive and slightly terrifying at times his voice actor really went all out voicing bruno and the other characters he plays. He funny at times and snappy and to the point not one to mess around for the most part which I enjoy hes got a nice balance in his character. He doesn't do much apart from bark orders down the phone at us but he does it with passion. Well done bruno I dont hate you.

7. Hitler- it's kind of fucked how high he is on the list but man hes funny as fuck. I hope that rebellion payed his voice actor well because the heart and soul put in to voicing that weasley twat is amazing! Hes the perfect blend of creepy, funny, extravagant, menacing and down right pathetic. Hes all bark and no bite and the way he begs when you beat him in hell machine is satisfying and a joy to watch. Also his design is cool despite it being the rotten corpse of hitler you can really tell hes been shaped by hell and ready for revenge. All in all despite it quite literally being Hitler, hes so funny hes decent on my list.

6. Boris- the scary Russian bear, god I love this guy, hes bad ass and funny as fuck. He has such a fun personality and despite being such a troubled character with a dark past his mostly chipper attitude is so well done you cant help but be amused by this guy. His outfits are amazing too! The ZAT and berseker outfits are fucking legendary and I get a lot of amusement watching people who use the berseker outfit run past me and the zombie head bounce around on his hip. All in all Boris is a great character ever since I first played the trilogy I like boris's design and backstory and to see him built on to and given a voice is great to see, props to the voice actor you did amazing. And people who play boris are usually pretty chill, because boris is slow they also usually take things slowly, I've never had a problem with a boris player and you have a place in my good books if you main Boris.

Okay this post is really long I think I'll do my top five as their own posts to cut things down.

Now give me a minute while I collect as many vogue worthy pics as I can.