#but idk man I’ll be running programs for kids and shit and it’s just different

[good-night-space-kid]

I’m going to be living and publicly working while trans in a small town this summer and besties I cannot lie. I am nervous

[olivetreehugger]

SnK Warriors as Health Care Workers

I’m an ICU nurse, and I’ve come across a tonnnn of different types of healthcare workers in my line of work. These are just my hc’s for what kind of HCWs the Warrior unit would be. These are totally my opinion! Also, real healthcare is NOT the same as TV healthcare, not every doctor is a surgeon (and they’re not the best, either). Anyway, here we go :)

Warnings: mentions of blood, medical procedures, opioids, death

-Zeke: he’d be a fourth year neurosurgery resident. Neurosurgery residents are either cold, arrogant assholes or fun bros. No in-between. They’re always on the move or in surgery honing their skills. They don’t sleep and they’re on call 24/7. 

Zeke is always carrying a strong, black Starbucks coffee and reeks of cigarette smoke. He’s always exhausted because he's covering all the neuro patients in the hospital overnight and then rounds with the attending (Magath? idk) in the morning til like 2pm. It’s a miracle he doesn’t kill anyone. He’s wicked smart and super talented in the OR, but kind of a dick with the nurses. He shows up at the bedside to do a quick procedure, doesn’t tell the nurses ahead of time. He grabs all the supplies on his own because “the nurses don’t know what I like” and then when he’s done he’ll leave the leftover dirty gloves, removed drain, stray bloody gauze, and empty boxes all over the room. He has a somewhat asinine attitude towards patients, poor bedside manner. He doesn’t order pain  medication for the intubated patient before removing a drain bc “they’re sedated, right?” No, Dr. Jaeger, neuro patients don’t get heavy sedation. Please order a small dose of pain meds. You’re hurting them. “Oh, right. I’ll order that.” No, he won’t. Zeke always promises to throw in orders, always forgets. 

You’ll spend your shift paging him for orders, cleaning up after him and getting rude comments over the phone. He’s gonna make a fantastic neurosurgeon, though. He’ll save your life.

-Porco: An ER resident for SURE. He loves the chaos of the emergency department. A typical male in healthcare-he loves the trauma, the blood and guts, the crazy. He tries to avoid pregnant women and kids, they freak him out. BUT, that didn’t stop him from holding a woman’s hand when she gave birth right there in the ER lobby.  Great bedside manner. So smart. And he’s super sweet, actually??? He also creates secret handshakes with the kids and sweet talks the old ladies to make them more comfortable. He tells them to call him Pock or Porco, not Dr. Galliard.

Unfortunately, When he first started, he got a little too cocky and claimed he didn’t need to scan a patient after getting hit in the chest with a hockey stick. Patient suffered a ruptured vessel and almost died right there. After a very rigid monitoring program, he was able to practice again. He’s also a giant flirt. He dated most nurses in the hospital and they ALL talk about his dick game.

Porco rides his motorcycle to work and sometimes skips his helmet. All the nurses shame him for it, reminding him of the horrible head injuries that come in through the trauma bay because of motorcycle crashes. He comes in double fisting Monster energy drinks and jamming to whatever his air pods are playing probably Hamilton. ER residents are chaotic and funny and Porco is no different. During a code blue (a patient’s heart stopped) he kept calm and hummed “stayin’ alive” while they performed CPR. He runs a code like a goddamn CHAMP. He has ACLS memorized to a T and intubates better than most attendings. The nurses will tell him the patient’s labs look better after the medication he ordered and he’ll be like “Hell yeah, let’s keep it goin’” or “A’ight let’s get crazy” before an emergency procedure. If the nurses can’t place an IV, you bet your sweet ass he’s grabbing the ultrasound and throwing a few in for them <3

Pieck: She’s an infectious disease PA. She’s very soft-spoken, patient and intelligent. Orders and notes are always flawless. Apologizes whenever she orders blood cultures and even offers to draw them for the nurses if they’re busy. She buys everyone pizza when she’s on the unit. All the nurses love her. She’s perfect. 

Annie: A nightshift CVICU nurse. There’s a joke online that cardiovascular/cardiothoracic ICU nurses are the biggest bitches ever.  And it’s true, most are. BUT. Annie is probably the best nurse to have if you’ve just come out of open-heart surgery or had a lung transplant. She knows exactly what to do when a patient is crashing and is a BEAST when it comes to chest compressions. She is a pro at putting in IVs and troubleshooting pumps/machines when they don’t work. She has every single lab value, test and medication stored in that brain of hers and can pull it out before you can finish asking a question. 

She gives a quick, concise report on all her patients and expects the same. If you don’t, she rolls her eyes at you and rushes you. “I don’t need useless information. What drips are you running?” She gets in trouble sometimes because she makes her student nurses cry, but “why don’t they know how to zero an arterial line? it’s not my fault they don’t know their stuff.” No, Annie. You’re supposed to teach them. “Oh.” 

She wears the newest, cutest scrubs and has an ivory and rose-gold stethoscope. Don’t tell her it’s basic, though, she’ll put you on her shit list lol. She also hates being floated to the medical ICU because “they don’t know what they’re doing”. 

Reiner: Our king is a medical ICU nurse who started in the ER. He loved the wild west that was the ER but started to feel burnt out after seeing so many child deaths and cases of abuse. When he finally realized what it was doing to him he applied for a medical ICU position on night shift and transferred right away.

Baby, he thrived there. This guy is so compassionate with his patients and knows how to advocate for them well. He has a great rapport with all the physicians (except Porco, when Reiner was working ER they would butt heads frequently) He’s great to give report to, never gives the previous nurse a rough time. When he reports off to the next shift, his rooms are a little messy sometimes but he ALWAYS has extra supplies for you and the patient is clean. He learned so much from the patients and his peers that he was eventually promoted to charge RN. He’s the best charge nurse. Knows all the protocols and will call any doctor for you. Anytime you need help doing a procedure, he’s your man: IVs? “How many you want?” Blood draw? “I’ll grab the tubes”. Patient’s about to code? “I got compressions”. Call security for the violent patient down the hall? “I AM security”. 

His scrubs are a little snug around his shoulders and chest and he knows this. Baby likes to show off. He likes to flex his muscles for anyone watching, but he’s not a douche. Reiner is an absolute gentleman with his female coworkers, never complains when they ask him for lifting help. In fact, he loves being of use. It’s why he’s a nurse in the first place: he loves helping people <33

Bertholdt: He started with Reiner in the ER but wanted something more stable so he transferred to the burn unit (get it?). Reiner still hasn’t forgiven him. 

Colt: He’s in nursing school but loved the idea of being a trauma nurse. Then he did a clinical rotation in the trauma ICU and fainted when a confused patient ripped a screw out of his fractured arm. After that he decided to do pediatrics lol.

[human-trash-fire]

Beautiful Disaster: Chapter 5 (Pynch Soulmate AU)

Alrighty my loves, this chapter has been a labor of love from the beginning. As you continue reading you will see art pieces and each is correlated with a song (those will be at the end), and references yet again will be made to the EMFS playlist (Ronan’s rehab playlist- I’ve actually made it on spotify! you can find it here)

As usual you can find this story on Ao3 @ glam_reaper 2 if you’re interested <3

TW: Mention of suicide attempt, a panic attack though not super descriptive, cannon typical language.

Iv.

You,

I made a friend last week.

I know for most people that wouldn’t be a big deal, but I assume by now You understand what that means for someone like me. I guess “friend” may be a generous term? I don’t know if we are there yet, Blue definitely disagrees with him “on principle.” 

You see, President Cellphone as she calls him, or Richard Campbell Gansey III (I know, what a douchey fucking name) is all boat shoes and privledge and perfect teeth. Gansey isn’t someone I’d normally associate with mind you, Henry kind of met my quota for rich extroverts in the inner circle, and yet…

So, here’s the story. I’m writing my last letter right? And I was so fucking lost. I decided to walk home from Nino’s- I thought maybe it would help me settle. And there, right around the corner is this fucking ‘73 camero. It should have been beautiful, really.. A classic like that? It’s a dream to look at. Only this fucking thing is the UGLIEST color of candy orange you could ever imagine… And it’s blowing smoke all over the damn place. I was honestly going to leave boat-shoes to call his daddy or mechanic or what have you, but he looked so confused. I offered to help him out and was able to get it running long enough to get to Boyd’s.

I expected him to just drop off “The Pig” (the car) like any normal person and come back for it, only I apparently made “quite the impression.”

Gansey ended up staying with me, prattling on about his Masters History program and some welsh king the ENTIRE time I worked on the damn car. At first I was tuning him out, but without realizing it I became completely entranced by the whole story. I’ve never seen such passion for anything, and I have VERY spirited friends.

He has one of those voices you know? The kind that can stop a room, raise an army, lead a nation. The kind that demands to be heard without ever having to raise itself.

That’s Gansey though.

I think he’ll be good for me, I don’t think he’d give me much of a choice in the matter though to be honest. He kind of adopted me this week? That should bother me and yet, being around him is just… It’s being included. It’s a sense of purpose.

I think he needs it too, he doesn’t seem to talk about negative things but you can tell, he’s haunted by something. That’s what solidified it for me really. He may be a senator’s son but he’s seen some shit. 

I wish you could have met him, I wonder if you would have been as intrigued by him as I find myself. 

Blue is being a total idiot about him, but I’m about 82% sure it’s because she is into him. I know for sure the feeling is mutual. It took Gans approximately 15 minutes after meeting Blue to ask me for her life story, offend her beyond measure, and then haul ass out of Nino’s. It was the first time I’d seriously laughed in so long. Have you ever been second-hand embarrassed for someone? It was that. 

I’m going to wrap this up now though, I need to head to Nino’s for my shift, Blue’s working so of course Gans is stopping by. He said he’s bringing one of his best friends with him, some dude named Noah. Apparently he’s pretty cool, so I’m moderately less apprehensive. He said he wished he could bring his other best friend/ his and Noah’s third roommate but the guy is staying with family for a few months or something. Idk? He doesn’t talk about the other roommate much. I honestly don’t even think he’s ever said his name. Who gives a shit though, I can barely handle one new friend, let alone a 3-pack of Ganseys. Good God… I hope Noah isn’t another Gansey…. Fuck.

Welp.

Here goes nothing.

*****

It started with a not-so-subtle idea from the esteemed Dr. Allen. “Show me what happened.” Ronan was never great with words before all this, and since… When he spoke it was usually a litany of curse words. So Dr. Allen had suggested art. In the weeks since his entombment in this fine rehabilitation center, Ronan had kind of already been doing what he was being asked to do now. Though, he didn’t mention it to Allen. He’d spent countless hours sketching his life, the whole thing, in snapshots inside that beautiful leather sketchbook Gansey had given him. 

He started at the beginning, pictures of Aurora and his brothers, the Barns, his father playing guitar by the fire. He drew their family vacations, the cows he used to sneak out and sleep beside when he was a child, the feeling of winning the Tennis State Championship when he was 15. He drew the bad things too, his nightmares, his drug-trips, that old stained couch in the basement of Kavinsky’s house. He put every piece of himself, all 22 years of memories down in that book, woven together with song lyrics in the margins. 

So when Dr. Allen asked him to look specifically to his addiction and create, he didn’t see a problem. He needed to return to school with a series anyways, Declan had called to inform him that strings had been pulled to allow him to finish his final semester at Georgetown, but he needed to walk in with something to show at the January exhibition. Two birds, and all that.

He settled on 7 pieces, each done in oils on canvas, each accompanied by a song. 7 moments in the life of his battle with addiction, from the beginning to now. With each stroke of his brush he felt infinesmally lighter, pouring his grief into the images before him. 

It started with “The Fall.” His father’s murder in reds and greys; fracturing lines and deep shadows. He mixed his paints with tears and used his heart to drag color across the canvas. For the first time in years, Ronan allowed the memory to consume him. He’d re-lived it plenty of times in his nightmares, but this was different. His hands shook, jagged strokes of anger and confusion bleeding through. He painted the brief moment, the final moment, when his world was whole before his teenage mind finally realized what it was he was looking at. His last free breath. And he painted his screams, the cacophony of pain, endlessly mixing with sirens until his vocal chords gave out. 

He drowned the canvas in un-kept promises and hung it out to dry with childhood dreams.

Then came “Chasing the Void.” It was a story told in stark lighting. High beams on a backroad, swirling smoke and broken bottles. It was white glasses and white-powder lines on shark-nosed hood. It was going 115mph, bones rattling with the beat of the bass in his sound system. Ronan painted a black tattoo, used the blood on his knuckles to tint bloodshot eyes. His brush moved with his mother’s disappointment and his brother’s anger. Whimsical lines and Gansey’s head shaking when he found Ronan passed out yet again. He painted the highs and lows when sobriety reminded him that he hated the face that stared back at him in the mirror. 

Each new piece he added to the collection was brought to Dr. Allen’s office. Together they worked through each memory associated with the piece and slowly Ronan felt the weight on his chest lighten. 

Gansey visited every Monday and Friday like clockwork. He kept Ronan apprised to all the goings on of Monmouth and updates on Matthew and Declan. Ronan never asked for them, but he appreciated it regardless. His current obsession though seemed to be a new friend, Adam something. He had been going on for 30 minutes now about how this man single-handedly raised the Pig from the dead. Ronan tuned out most of the conversation, but nodded at what he assumed were appropriate moments while sketching.

“Ronan, are you even paying attention?” Gansey asked, irritation only slightly evident.

“Mmm?” Ronan hummed. “For sure. Pig. Smoke. Some new guy.”

“Essentially. I was saying that Noah and I are heading to his second job, the man works 2 jobs and is getting a masters can you believe it? Anyways Nino’s, so Noah can finally meet him and Blue. Have I mentioned her yet?” 

Blue? He thought. Who the fuck names their kid Blue. “Once or twice.”

“Well they both work this afternoon, so I assume we’ll just hang there until they get off. Then maybe grab a bite. I wish you could come, I’m sure you’d get along nicely with Adam.” Gansey said, choosing to ignore the previous sarcasm and barrell on. Excelsior. 

“Doubt it.” Guy sounds like a douche.

“On that note, thank you for another lovely visit. I’ll see you Monday, Ronan.” Gansey gathered his coat and made his way to the door with a final wave.

Ronan waved back with a single finger and a saccharine “Bye, Dick.” Then shoved his Airpods back into his ears and lost himself in the EMFS playlist.

*****

As Adam gathered the tub of dirty dishes from above the trash and made his way back to wash them, he was lost in thought. These last two weeks, recent events, had been so much and yet he strangely was beginning to feel some semblance of peace. He knew that Blue had wanted him to write letters to help him cope. If he was admitting to it helping, he also needed to be honest with himself in noting that it may have been hurting just as much. He was falling in love with a ghost. A figment of his imagination that he could tell his every secret too, someone who listened without judgment; Someone who never asked more of him than he could handle. It wasn’t healthy, wasn’t what Blue had intended, of that he was sure. But, if it brought him peace and allowed him to sleep without seeing cold, dead eyes, then what was the harm?

He rinsed the mugs and plates loading them efficiently into the dishwasher, and dried his hands. As he moved to toss the towel into the bin, he heard the bell chime above the cafe door. He made his way slowly to the front, knowing that Blue was currently handling the register meant that he didn’t need to rush. On his way down the hallway he stopped to straighten a missing cat flier on the community bulletin board, taking a moment to snap a picture of the cat in question so he could be on the lookout, then continued toward the front; eyes glued to his phone.

He rounded the corner towards the coffee bar to the tune of laughter, it seemed Gansey had arrived. His eyes found Blue first. For all her insistance that she loathed the man in question, she was positively glowing, head tossed back in a hearty laugh. Lost in the bubble of charm Gansey operated in. 

“-And so I asked him, mind you I’ve had a lot to drink at this point, ‘Hey senator, why do you fucking hate poor peo-‘ Oh! Adam” Ganseys story of embarrassing his mother at one of her Republican fundraisers interrupted, as he caught sight of Adam sliding behind the bar.

“Hey Gans,” He smiled. 

“My apologies, this is Noah.” Gansey stepped to the side to reveal the man in question, and Adam’s breath stopped. 

There, eyes blue and wide with shock, mouth agape stood the man from the alley. The one whose scream still haunted Adam in the dark, solitary hours of sleep. The one that began his every nightmare of that night.

He was different now, tears weren’t pouring from his eyes to dance across the plains of his smudgey face. His blonde hair free of blood was slightly tousled, and his clothes were clean, albeit a little disheveled. 

“No,” the word was a broken noise, barely a word at all, closer to a sob. Gansey and Blue looked frantically between the two for what seemed like an eternity before Noah spoke.

“It’s you…” 

“Who? Noah, you know Adam?” Gansey’s voice was quietly confused.

Adam began to shake his head slowly, increasing with speed as his breath finally returned to him; Erratic and wild. Crocodile tears blurred his vision, and he finally croaked a simple question, “What… What was his name?”

“Ronan.”

“Oh, god” Blue breathed. 

Adam ran, desperately fleeing the scene and chorus of his name called from the front. Ronan, his name was Ronan. Adam couldn’t breathe. His pain fresh, an un-mendable wound reopened now that he had a name to grieve. He paused, only long enough to grab his messenger bag from the back, and took the alley door. 

Then he ran, faster than he’d ever remembered running. Tears turning the colors of the world around him to a haunting watercolor. His breath came in painful stabs, each beat of his bleeding heart an excruciating truth.

He somehow made it back to his apartment. The moment the door closed behind him he fell against it and slid to the floor. Ronan Ronan Ronan-

“R-Ronan.” He spoke the name the first time aloud, the feeling of its weight on his tongue was an answer to a question he’d been asking for a month. For a lifetime.

Adam didn’t know how long he sat on the floor, grief taking time and twisting it in on itself. An amalgam of pain, hopelessness, and questions. Gansey, Gansey knew Ronan, knew Noah. Noah the boy he’d last seen carted away in the back of an ambulance covered in red red red. Noah, who’d screamed for help like the world was shattering. Noah, who’d clung tightly to the shredded arms of a bleeding man in a dark alley.

Help me, his mind screamed, his internal voice morphing into Noah’s from that night. 

Help me, I’m not okay…

A key twisting in the lock above his head brought his attention to the present. Adam pushed away from the door, and waited as Blue made her way into his dark apartment. Night had fallen sometime since he’d been here, on the floor, lost in the alley. Lost in a name.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Th-that was-”

“I know. Noah told us after you left. Adam, there’s… Adam. I need to tell you something.”

It was a concentrated effort to drag his gaze from the space between their bodies on the floor to meet her eyes. Lights from the street poured through the window in the living room, painting Blue’s honey warm skin in a haunting glow. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, so he waited. He watched. She brought a trembling hand to his, her brown eyes lined with silver, she squeezed.

“Adam, he’s alive.” 

A sob born of heartbreak and pain tore from his chest, he couldn’t form words. He broke then, completely and wholly. Blue came to cradle his head against her chest as he cried. Every hope he’d killed since the alley came barreling to the surface; All the pain and confusion, love and questions, beating like waves against the shores of his mind. Some minutes later he finally raised his head and met Blue’s eyes, her smile was wet and broken. He dragged his hand under his nose, across his eyes, and finally found the word to the question he needed to ask. “How?”

So Blue told him. Apparently, him finding Noah and Ronan in that alley, the tourniquet he’d made of his scarf, that extra minute he’d bought him had been enough. The doctors were able to stitch his wounds, and though it had been a close call, he’d pulled through. She explained that he’d had a hard life, though Gansey wouldn’t give details because he insisted those were Ronan’s to share when he was ready. He did however give her basic facts. Ronan Niall Lynch is an artist, a senior at Georgetown. He’s an orphan, and a brother. He’s an addict in recovery at a facility in Arlington, and Gansey’s third roommate. 

Blue explained that, when Adam was ready Gansey and Noah wanted to meet with him, to talk more. She offered to accompany him when that time came, but they all agreed they wouldn’t push him until he was ready. “Thank you,” he’d said to Blue. For getting the information. For telling him. For allowing him space. She understood that his history made this difficult, an addict for a soulmate was something he would need time to process. She eventually asked if he wanted to be alone and when he’d told her “yes” she kissed his forehead, and made her way to the door.

“Adam,” she paused, and he looked up. “We’ll wait on your text okay? Whenever you’re ready. But please check in so I know you’re safe.”

“I will.”

With a perfunctory nod she slid back out the door. 

Adam spent another minute in silence before dragging himself from the floor. He made his way in a daze to his desk and he collapsed into his chair. Slowly, he pulled out a blank sheet of paper. 

His hand shook.

He took a deep breath.

He wrote.

V

Ronan,

You’re alive…

**********************

Art Pieces and their correlating songs (linked):

“The Fall”  The War- SYML

“Chase The Void”  For What It’s Worth- Malia J

[trekkele]

Hi bit of a random question here with a probably unnecessary prelude. You seem to like Captain America and support the view he supported in CA:CW, which is fair enough. I'm not asking about that though. What I wanted to ask was your opinion was on the Siberia part of CA:CW. I personally think that whilst it wasn't right for Tony to attack Bucky and Steve, I do think it was understandable, as he'd just seen his parents been murdered and the person who did was right next to him. What do you think?

Oh hi! Glad you’re still around, you always have great questions! And this is a doozy, lemme tell ya.

I have, a lot of issues with that part, mostly because of how canon was changed over the years (originally the winter soldier was not involved, it was a mob hit with possible ties to Hydra) and how impractical it feels: to wake up the WS, reprogram him, send him to New York/America, and have him go after someone he once knew, when those are all things that have previously broken his programming. All that just to shoot a tire out of a car? Not worth the time and risk.

And then have a video laying around, convenient, when every other record of it being a WS/Hydra hit was apparently destroyed? Nah man, thats just...overly serendipitious for Zemo’s plot.

[[MORE]]

But that’s not you’re asking. You’re asking if, in the moment, Tony was justified for going after the person he was told had killed his parents. Yes, he kind of was. Had he punched Bucky and tried to take him in for murder, that would be one thing. Had Bucky been a mercenary hired to kill the Starks, and had chosen to kill them, that would be another thing.

But the problem is the buildup of that entire movie was trying to prove something about teamwork, communication, community, and ‘Bucky Barnes is a fucking victim here’. (Ok really, its, dont be fucking racist)

What happened in Siberia was a real clusterfuck of wrong place, wrong time, wrong last 24 hours of misunderstanding and miscommunication (dear G-d fucking communicate), and wrong players. Steve couldn’t let Tony kill Bucky, Bucky finally doesn’t want to die, and Tony was already pissed at the two of them and willing to let that drive him. He was not in the wrong exactly, (but uh. If you want to walk around wearing a small army base worth of weaponry, please learn some coping skills that aren’t ‘blow shit up’) but he wasn’t entirely right.

If this had been the first five minutes of the movie instead of the last five, I would have been a lot more sympathetic actually. Because Tony has, in the last two hours of screentime - given a ‘pity me’ speech right before mocking some kid in the crowd, supported a bill that would affect everyone without consulting everyone, supported a bill with direct negative effects on human rights, insisted everyone be held responsible for actions he deliberately concealed from them, refused to consider second opinions on said bill, and shot a paramedic for trying to do their job. Oh yeah, and had everyone arrested without due process and dumped in an underwater prison controlled by someone who wants to vivisect his teammate’. He’s not been acting like someone we should really root for. (I will never forgive them for making him trust Ross, I’m sorry.)

He also first asked Steve ‘did you know?’ which is not an indication of presence of mind (i don’t remember the correct term) but does show that he had some sort of ‘wait wait what?’ Going on. The way he attacks Bucky is desperate, but also calculated to an extent. (Side bar: imo, Steve didn’t know. He thought Hydra did it, but using the WS, as i mentioned, was impractical. And Steve understands the importance of the practical application of resources. When he said yes, he was 1. Redirecting Tony’s anger in a direction he could control, and 2. Answering whether he had known Hydra had them killed.)

There’s also the matter of - has Tony been living under a rock? The evidence of what Hydra did to create the winter soldier is probably not hard to find, especially if Steve’s been running after him for (idk what the timeline is like) a year? More? Tony is nosy enough to find those files and see what they did. He knows Bucky isnt the WS, kind of like he isn’t the suit. Difference is, he built it and put it on, didnt have it forced into his head, and when the government threatens to control him, he says (in this order) fuck off, no, and finally: I’ll take it off. He gets to walk away. Bucky and Steve, Natasha, Wanda, Vision, they don’t.

I know this isn’t exactly what you asked, since it’s technically a yes or no question, but the context makes it so much more then that. It’s a question of, can you, a hero with enough firepower to destroy a city, control yourself in a personal situation? And the answer is no. And that means you probably shouldn’t have enough power to destroy a city in your control 🤷🏻‍♀️.

So tl:dr: Tony is justified in his momentary anger and shock, not in his continuous desire to kill/hurt Bucky and Steve (and his inability to move past his personal trauma for the good of the world/others). Get a therapist, punch a brick wall.

[marshalldodger]

oh hi there, welcome to holiday, MARSHALL “DODGER” VAN DER BYL. you’ve been here for ONE MONTH? awesome! you look just like BERK CANKAT, it’s crazy. oh, so you’re a/an THIRTY-THREE year old AVIATION SYSTEMS TECHNICIAN. and you’re CISMALE and use HE/HIM? okay, just checking! oh, people say you’re QUICK-WITTED & TRUSTWORTHY but IMPULSIVE & STUBBORN? well, i’m sure that you can prove yourself here. you’re looking forward to the CHRISTMAS celebration? that’s a good one, you’ll love it. i have to get going now, bye!

Marshall Van Der Byl was one of those children who knew what he wanted to be the moment the question was presented to him. He adored planes, more than anything in the world and knew his future was in the sky. 

His father was a military man and brought home with him a sense of national pride that he instilled in his son. Though his words always came with a warning: Marshall was too young to understand what service meant, and would not be permitted to serve until he had ( at the very least ) completed university.

So the idea floated from Marshall’s head for a number of years. The passion for aviation was still there, but he allowed himself to explore other options. He wasn’t dead set until he was forced to watch Wings (1927) in his history class. It seemed he was the only kid in class that actually picked up on the movie’s meaning, That it was a love story between two pilots -- even going so far as to show the first gay kiss ever in american cinema. ( receipts -- this shit is gay ).

but Marshall’s dad was still against it. He didn’t think his son would have the stomach to serve when the going got tough. He managed to get into his head.

The thing was, Marshall was just as passionate about the mechanics of the planes as he was about flying them. When it came time for university, he enrolled himself in two programs at two schools. One for piloting, and the other for aviation systems management at a local college. To fall back on, as he explained to his family. It was hell for four years, doing night classes and getting his courses cut down to the minimum so he could handle his work load. He managed to pass both, somehow. 

When he was ready, after a year off to rest, he joined the military. Aged 23. He was a member of the air force, enlisting for a six year run.

The badge almost went to his head. He got cocky and brash, pressed on by his fellows, who had much the same attitude. In time he thought he was beginning to loose his sense of self. not to mention how...hard it was too see hardships of war. He couldn’t help but think that what he had seen wasn’t even been the worst of it. That every day he might be put into a situation -- a dog fight, a rescue mission -- that might really fuck him up. He wanted to preserve his sense of self.

When his six years were up, Marshall applied to be an AST instead. A year later, he was running out to the planes to do maintenance as the pilots climbed out of their seats. 

that’s all i have for backstory rn. there’s def something else there but.....i don’t know what yet. maybe he gets conned. maybe he has a scandal idk

HEAVILY subject to editing when i’m less tired/have his back story sorted out better!! and i’ll....rb it when i do that

Marshall still uses the hanky code in the year of our lord 2k19

def part of the NGPA (National Gay Pilots Association) man he’s j like that

his callsign: “dodger” is a play on “dodge her” because there was a girl lusting after him first year that he avoided like all hell

but now they’re besties 

has a pet cat! his name is Wilbur and he’s actually evil. will sit on his chest and knead if he sleeps in

big yes to coffee big no to tea

can drink a leprechaun under a table

beard vs. no beard are different moods for him

has so many tattoos but some include: a triangle with a depiction of the sky, a bar code on his thigh, a sound wave and a compass on his right breast.

this is........a mess.....im working on it ok

[bienstockonnativ]

Week 2

Wow its been more then 2 weeks here (this is late, week 3 is coming soon)! While it does feel like we’ve been here a while, it is sort of strange that I’m not going home tomorrow or something. I’m not yet at the point where its really really weird though since I’ve been here up to a month before.

Anyways, this week classes were in full swing and are definitely a hand full! As I explained last time, we are in the mini master phase which means we basically have the same 3 classes every day (except the third one skips a day sometimes). I continue to despise my second class, modern jews, but the other two are great and super duper interesting. Especially since today in my first class we learned that Moses may actually be god (WHATTT), I know right. So here comes the summary!

Monday, Sept 11th

On Monday it was a full day of school. From 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM. We have to  be down to shacharit for 7:00 on Mondays, not 7:15, so we can read torah. Which is absolute hell. I don’t think I’ve been on time once this week. I mean, not only is it just like normal prayer- it means nothing to me. I’ll tell you what’s really meaningful when we get to the weekend.

So after breakfast we pile on for our second day of school- I fell asleep in Modern Jews (obviously) and almost fell asleep in my favourite class! I stoped myself by getting up and standing for the rest of the class. I literally just got out of my sea and stood there with my notebook, constantly flicking my pen at my head to keep me awake.

After my morning classes we went to our first Jerusalem Course! Basically its a class that Nativ makes us take about the history of Jerusalem. There are two teachers and the 67 kids are split up among them by last name. One is David Keren, USY director of Israel Programs in the summer, and the other is Alexandra Benjamin who teaches on TRY and is really really cool. In Alexandra’s class we went through a (sort of) brief overview of the history of Jerusalem going from 1000 BCE all the way to today. I even made a fancy timeline that I was quite proud of. That first day we just took notes but goodness was there more to come.

That night I met with my Friend Tehilla from school who was in Jerusalem visiting from her Yeshiva in Modiin. Tehilla took me Nachlaot, an artsy hippie sketchy neighbourhood not far from where I live; there she took me tiowards the Shuk to a restaurant that her old family friends owns and runs. There I had a fish burrito where was a really nice change. Then later, while we were walking on Ben Yehudah we ran into Shira from Nativ as well as Samantha Charlat- all people we went to school with. So naturally we took a picture before Tehilla and I said bye and I walked back to Beit Nativ. That night I went to bed early (or relatively early)!

Tuesday, Sept 12th

Another day, another early as fuck wake up. And yes in case you were wondering, I was indeed late.

Today at school, my historical texts teacher (other wise known as chief mind blower) continued to do just that as he developed his thesis. I will attempt to explain it now although I will explain it wrong.

Basically- the covenant is a three pronged constantly changing and learning relationship interdependent upon each other to survive and thrive whilst attempting to understand why everything is here in the first place. Part of this is the idea that the covenant of the Jewish people, god and the land of Israel is a microcosm of the macrocosm that is the relationship between the world, humanity, and god. And then somehow the idea that god is both transcendental (above us and unknowable) and imminent (here with us) is crucial to developing that thesis.

Idk man I just go here.

Anyways its super nutty and I will understand it eventually.

On the complete opposite hand, my Modern Jews class continues to annoy the hell out of me with its sheer yuckyness- nuff said.

Today we didn’t have Jerusalem course, instead we had an academic orientation for the fall semester! Yay school! (ew) (but also yay). Linor, our academic advisor, otherwise known as lord of 80s clip art, showed us how that will work. Basically we can only take the 2000 series classes, only the ones taught in english, only the ones for freshman… so what you end up getting is a list of about 15 or 20 classes. I took a look a them later in the week but on Tuesday it was going in one ear and out the other.

We literally just started mini mester and now they want to talk about more school… the world we live in man.

So after a fit of questions about how the library works (which no one understands still), academic orientation was over and we could go home! Yay home!

So another thing about minimester- there are a fuck load of readings that everyone is supposed to do for class. How much of that anyone actually does is the real statistic. I try to do the mandatory ones… or at least some of them…. or maybe the first few lines.

Anyways readings exist so yay.

Later that day I was bored and didn’t want to work so I went off to Mamila- the richy sort of outdoor shopping mall that’s 10 minutes away from Beit Nativ. The important part is that I found the best Ice cream place (so far) called Golda’s, which is always the most important thing to do. I had chocolate (obviously). I walked over to the edge of the old city with my Ice cream and just had a moment of like omg I’m in a land full of Jews, eating random kosher amazing ice cream at a 2000 year old wall next to a 50 year old shopping mall.

After my ice cream venture I went to the adidas store to try and find some shorts that weren’t super long or super nice cause I have nothing like that. I was successful and found my way back to Beit Nativ in time for dinner. After Dinner we had our first Erev Nativ where we watched a documentary on 9/11. Honestly it was one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen in a long time. I mean I knew what 9/11 was but not to that extent. There was no narriation, just the entire sequence of events from the perspectives of dozens of people across the area. Through each hit, tower fall… everything.

It was pretty intense but the day wasn’t over yet. After that I ran upstairs to my computer so I could get some USY work done and then called Molly while I was waiting to start an IGB meeting at 1:15 AM- yup you read that right. And then I finally got to bed or like 3 or something. Waking up at 7 yay!

Wednesday, Sept 13

I am writing this quite a few days after everything happened so its hard to remember specifics but I’ll cover the major stuff.

One thing cool that happened was in Jerusalem course we traversed the City of David! For those of you who don’t know, the city of David is the oldest remnant of Jerusalem we have- built in c 1000 BCE, before the current old city. The original city existed right next to where the current old city is, covering a lot less land.

The reason why it was called City of David is because although he was not the founder, he built up the city significantly. He built a palace for himself and lay the groundwork for the second temple (which his son would build later).

Its a really neat archaeological site as it is one of the main proofs we have for a jewish state, how our claim to land existed much before 1948 with the establishment of modern Israel.

Fun fact though: We don’t actually have proof that david himself existed. We know there was a city, we know there was a palace, we know the palace had staff, even that some of them had indoor plumbing- but not that David (the city’s name sake) actually existed. 
Some say that the tanach is still right and we just haven’t found stuff yet while others think that because we haven’t found proof, he just doesn’t exist.

We also learned about King Hezikaiah, a descendent of David who fortified the city and redirected the water flow to protect from the imminent Assyrians. His tunnels are still in tact to this day, we walked through them! Also still in tact is the old spring where King Solomon was annointed as well as different areas of the palace that King David built.

We took a moment at the end of class to talk about the current political climate in the old city, how there are both Jewish and Palestinian homes right next to each other- Jews who moved in for religious reasons and Palestinians who also claim it their home.

Once Jerusalem course was over we all travelled back home, and of course after a long day and a lot of walking I collapsed on my bed. But soon after dinner, I went out with a few people to see my friends get ear piercings! Ahh! Jacquie got a thing right through the top of her ear while Zach got little studs in the normal area- they both looked really good but it scared the shit out of me! Piercings in a foreign country? Ahhhh.

I ran around with Jace to try to find a Pizza place, eventually finding our way to Chili Pizza nearby (not before we went to the other side of the area and back of course).

After pizza time we went back home and then I went to bed really late because I’m stupid.

Thursday, Sept 14th

Today we talked a lot about brutal sectarianism and how it can be the downfall of all of Judaism.

We went to the Robinson’s arch area archeological park to talk about life during the end of the second temple period. We learned about Herod the builder and premier of Israel while under Roman control. He fortified the second temple and made it and the city around it beautiful and grandiose.

Once we got to the park we took some time to get acquainted with the history of the site. The stones we were walking on were walked on by people 2000 years ago, the hole in the wall was a shop front etc… It was crazy.

Then we went to the other building to get a virtual tour of what the area would have looked like all that time ago. The guy there was fricken hilarious. He kept on making super dry jokes that no one in the room understood, when he went over the walls he was like “oop sorry about that folks…. coming in for landing shortly”. Of course most of my class didn’t get it but I was right in front laughing my ass off- so much so that he thought I was faking it.

When we left we said goodbye to our new friend and sat on the grass to chat about sectarianism. We learned how 2000 years ago there was tons of different groups in Judaism, kind of like today, that were hostile towards each other. We talked about the idea that their baseless hatred towards each other and self destruction within the community itself ended in a punishment by god- the destruction of the temple. And reflecting on that, we spoke about the sectarianism that Jews face today and ways we can deal with it so we can prevent disunity.

The idea of how to create Unity is something that I’ve explored a lot the past few weeks. In my class about Philosophy with Dr. Isaacs we talk about the existence of unity within differences. How the understanding that each of us is fundamentally different is the one unifying factor that brings humanity, jews included, all together.

Of course many people see this is as a contradictory argument but its an opinion that I’ve had for a while now and will continue to explore!

On the way out from the site there were a ton of soldiers doing their tours in the sites as a compulsory part of basic training- the IDF makes sure its soldiers have an ideological background to why they do what they do.

That night we went out which was a fun break from the intensity of school and the day and then played cards against humanity before bed!

Friday, Sept 15th

So on friday I slept in which was beautiful and then a bunch of us went out for lunch at Sam’s Bagels on Ben Yehuda. I had a pizza bagel (yum) and then went over to the TEVANAOT store to make the best purchase I’ve made so far: Teva Sandals- trust me they are worth it. I go purple and blue ones!

After that, I met Tehilla to hang out for a few hours before she had to go back to Modiin. We ran around Ben Yehuda a little and then finally settled on the park for a while before heading to Agron to chill with Yona Grossman who was also visiting.

We talked about prayer and the confusing feelings it gives us- mainly me. As I’ve said in previous Facebook posts, I have a really hards time connecting to traditional prayer. That doesn’t mean it never happens- Kabbalat Shabbats always give me the best feels and the occasional shacharit or musaf with the right leader does to; but most of the time, I feel nothing.

I know I’m not alone because many people have trouble with T’fillot in general. I want to connect to god and take time out of my life to do just that, but I don’t know if traditional prayer is the way to do that. I am a big fan of new things- things that may make us feel uncomfortable because of their newness but in the end are better for finding meaning in our lives.

That’s what its all about- finding meaning and connecting to something other then yourself. And whatever way one can do that is what one should do. The thing about Nativ is its very stuck in its ways and doesn’t necessarily like ideas like these. But that doesn’t mean it will always be that way :). I think the way Judaism is revolutionizing is going to make it so we will have to grapple with this idea of change in our tefillah structure- and I’ll be ready for it, hell I’ll help make it happen if I have to! I’m not worried at all…

Just another day in the life of being a person, and a jew.

Speaking of meaningful tefillot, that night was the beginning of open shabbat. That means that most of Nativ left base for shabbat for a variety of things. A lot of people went to Tel Aviv to party and do things like that while others went to visit family.

Myself and a good group of 25 or so people stayed here at base for shabbos so we could sleep. That night was magical.

First of all, myself as well as a few others went over to a new synagouge to try called Yakar. Now Yakar was the subject of the same facebook post I was talking about before. It was probably the best prayer experience I have ever had.

It wasn’t so extraordinary. It was just like any other Shabbat, at a random shul that I chose two seconds before Ieft… small moves brought me to this experience.

The Hazan and rabbi were so into the service, the tunes were all those that I knew, but the way that they sang the songs and said the words had so much meaning and were so beautiful. Not only that, everyone in the room was enveloped by the experience that I almost fell asleep. It was in such a meditative and immersive experience that I don’t think I can ever replicate again.

After that whole ordeal, we almost got lost getting home with our staff guide Odayiah- the only Israeli madricha so that’s pretty ironic. But we got home in time for dinner and had a nice meal.

That weekend I definitely got closer with Odayiah- I was never scared of her or anything, everyone else was, I just knew that I didn’t know her yet. So I took the time to make conversation and I’m so glad I did because she is super awesome. She’s being a madricha because she actually loves this shit, not only that but she is very learned in jewish practice while also maintaining a pluralistic and accepting attitude of everyone. Those are the kinds of people I really appreciate.

Later that night we had a hella lit tisch which in lay man’s terms means really amazing and great. Because there was so few of us we just kind of made a big circle and sang a ton of songs- Odayiah even taught us a new one. Her and my Madrich Ethan were the only staff staying around so it was deffinitley easier to make connections.

Also that night, we sang to the pedestrians from our window while playing cards. It didn’t work out so well… some creepy Israeli yeshiva boys got into Agron and visited us singing. Which was pretty strange, but they went away so it was fine in the end.

After that a bunch of us chilled in a room together where we attempted to deep talk but never got to it since everyone was so loud and all over the place. We did play bible toss though, which looking back was pretty disrespectful but also really fun. We took the new testament, through it from person to person and read random quotes in a preacher voice. Eventually it went out the window… anyways enough about that story.

Eventually I got back to my room for bed :)

Shabbat, Sept 16

Shabbat was super chill cause no one was at Agron. Most of us didn’t go to shul, including me; so I got to sleep in until noon before lunch.

After lunch we played Taboo and banana grams for a free hours which was where everyone realized I couldn’t spell and a multitude of jokes were invented. I’m just a funny person okay, don’t make fun of me :).

Anyways after games we had more praying and food and then shabbat ended! What a great shabbos amirite?

That night was the beginning of slichot that we were all required to go to. I did not feel like praying more so I just went to the great synagouge across the street which was pretty stupid and overwhelming.

So when I left, me and a bunch of other people walked over to the kotel and some time with that instead which was much much better. I probably have already talked about this but connecting to that wall may seem strange but it happens and every time I go its just amazing.

On our way back we stopped for pizza (where I learned a valuable lesson about not paying for people) and met a creepy drunk dude. He was asking us where we were from and doing weird things- but it was fine though, he wasn’t dangerous or anything.

Eventually we walked back and went to bed!

Sunday, Sept 17

So school (yuck) is back and kicking.

I’m not even going to summarize the 2 first classes. I will tell you however that in my philosophy class we were speaking about the blurriness between prophets and god and how its a necessary element to understand the covenant.

Don’t worry if you don’t get it, most people don’t. Let’s just say that Moses is pretty godly and some would say- god itself.

I know… let’s just move on.

In Jerusalem course it was Christian day! So we went to (the otherwise restricted) christian quarter of the old city to visit the Chruch of the holy sepulchre and talk all about that other fun religion. We learned all about Jesus’ last week on Earth, how he spent it in Jerusalem. We also learned about the historical context for the creation of Christianity by Paul of Tarsus and then Constantine as a legit religion in the 4th century CE, over 300 years after Jesus’ death.

We learned about St. Helena, Constantine’s mom, and how she built the city’s Christian landscape to be what it is today including the church (to some extent). Then we learned how  influence would affect the area for years to come- including how Jews were prevented from living there still under Christian rule- a ruling held by the Romans hundreds of years earlier.

The church itself is super strange- there are so many periods represented and it can be overwhelming sometimes but all in all its pretty spectacular. The same building has both 10th century mosaics and 2 thousand year old pillars.

That night I had an IEB meeting where I gave the board an overview of everything to come on the Israel side of things! (there is so much yay!!!)

Later, I hated Agron food so I ran over to get a Pizza from the nice place across the street with Zach. I ended up going again since Lauren needed someone to go with, and on that journey we struck up a convo with the guy serving us who was actually from Milan; it was funny cause both me and Lauren have Italian ancestry.

I also changed my sheets before bed and then saved another one of my friends from having to walk home alone from a bar.

All in a days work!

Monday, Sept 18th

Monday was a heavy counterpart day! Yay counterparts!!! I love talking to them and hearing their ideas, its just so much fun and a great way to spend down time as well.

School was pretty boring, but I did talk to my Philosophy teacher about what we can actually do to fulfil the covenant- to which he replied that he has no idea and that its really up to us. Ha lol.

After school we had a Rosh Hashanah seder meeting. I was part of the group that explained the different elements of the seder and ran it. Later on that when we get to the Rosh Hashanah recap. Anyways, after that little meeting we had a little birthday party for 3 different people- one from each track. I had some great conversations with then new friends like Erica, Mariah, Rayut etc which was lovely. And then chilled with Zach M, Jacquie, Odayiah and others.

Let me tell you, Odayiah is fricken hilarious. I have a bunch of amazing quotes from her from that experience- she literally completes my life that woman. The best one is “You know how to solve the Palestinian conflict, take all the Palestinians, put them into Gaza and saw it off of Israel” “They’re just so close, so we’ll just push them towards America and they’ll blow them up”, But Odayah, you can’t just blow up millions of people! “Trump will find a way”. 
Just a preview of the hilariousness. You’re welcome.

Today, we were also introduced to STD. Otherwise known as Shayna Tziona Dinkelberger (thanks Emily), our kinder toy that I received as a gift for getting a question right in the weekly email (thanks Ethan).

Tuesday, Sept 19th

Last day before Rosh Hashanah prep!!!

School was school… I slept in Modern Jews again and philosophy was cool. I did have to write up a paragraph to validate how horrible I am at Hebrew, just something to switch up the day I guess.

At jerusalem class that day we travelled to the tower of David and learned all about Muslim influence in Jerusalem. Did you know that Islam’s claim to land is actually based on many more years of history then the Jews. All that means it that both our claims to that land is legit. Also, both the Torah and Quarran don’t reference Jerusalem- only vague references to the place that would later be known as Jerusalem; al quds (or far place) for them and shalom for us.

I just thought that was an interesting tidbit.

Anyways, the tower of david was named that by muslims and had nothing to do with Jews which is pretty funny. We saw a beautiful view and learning all about what Jerusalem means for Muslims.

later that day I bought my own Personal machzorim for the high holidays with much pressure from the Madrichim and then we had erev nativ! At erev nativ this week we had Jerusalem U come and give us a lecture/discussion about the conflict. And by the conflict I mean THE conflict.

I thought the presentation was sort of flawed.. He was quite abrasave and painted the conflict very black and white where as it isn’t that easy to explain. I did appreciate his attempt though. I may or may not join the subsequent sessions.

We also had a Rosh Hashanah seder committee meeting where I was assigned the apple and its significance. More on that with the Rosh Hashanah post.

Also that day was some more USY calls, yay counterparts!!!!!

__

Alright friends, I know its a week late but that’s been my Tumblr post for my second week on Nativ in Jerusalem. Its been a crazy ride and Rosh Hashanah was pretty insane so more on that in the next few days. I promise I’ll get to it before too many more days pass!!!

It can be really really hard sometimes to be living here without parents or best best friends but I’m slowly getting used to it. Week 2 was a lot about getting more comfortable on Nativ, at the house and making new friends in the process.

Next week will be all about meaning, getting those deeper relationships and the dawn of starting to try new things.

Nativ! You’re a blessing and an issue but we’re gonna make it work!!!!

**#sorrynotsorry about the spelling errors, in the words of Zach Sieff “you type fast”**

[gaysin-space]

The curious thing

you’re so cute, sending me asks to do omg

1. What are the things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Myself and my mental shit tbh

2. What will people say at your funeral?

Idk summat about me being gay and savage tbh

3. Standing at the gates of heaven, and God asks you “Why should I let you in?” What do you reply?

“I don’t know man it’s up to you like i don’t mind either way”

4. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you run into to make everything ok?

My girlfriends tbh i’ve done it before so yeah she helps me alot

5. Does this person know how much they mean to you? When was the last time you told them?

I like to think you do, I mean i tell you nearly everyday

6. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?

Explain how war doesn’t solve anything and just makes everything worse and how we need to stop

7. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

I’d travel the world and give enough to my parents to support them for the rest of their lives

8. If today was the last day of your life, what would you want to do?

See the great wonders of the world or go to space tbh

9.What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d spend more time with my loved ones than i already do

10. If your entire life was a movie, what title would best fit?

The unadventurous life of the depressed emo

11. How would you describe yourself in 5 words?

honest, sarcastic, funny, loving, trusting 

12. What are the chances you’ve passed up on that you regret?

none really? Like i’m happy with most of the decisions that i’ve made that effect my life 

13. How do you apply the learning from this regret to your actions today?

I don’t tend to hang onto negative emotions like that like I just forget and move on

14. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Everything like literally

15. If you could watch everything that happened in your life until now, would you enjoy it?

certain things yeah but i wouldn’t want to like the past is the past for a reason

16. If you could ask a single person one question, and they had to answer truthfully, who and what would you ask?

idk tbh maybe Harry and if he’s happy 

17. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

A lot of things tbh all my mistakes would be erased 

18. When you’re 90 years old, what will matter most to you in the world?

My family definitely 

19. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of? What’s stopping you?

Yeah but im working on it and my brain needs to get with the program

20. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Yes.

21. Do you ask enough questions, or are you happily settling for what you know already?

I think i do? Like im a really curious person so ill always wanna find out more if people let me

22. How do you celebrate the things you do have in your life?

I make do with the little things i have and make everything go a long way

23. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

I will have said a lot but i always go through with what ive promised to do

24. When was the last time you tried something new?

The other day i think? I always make sure to say yes to trying new things

25. What were you doing when you last lost track of the time?

probs watching videos on youtube 

26. What is the difference between living and existing?

Living is enjoying life to the fullest and doing the things you love everyday, existing is just getting by doing the bare minimum to survive

27. If you had a friend that you spoke to the same way you speak to yourself, how long do you think that person would allow you to be your friend?

Not very long, they’d probs get annoyed with me very soon and leave me alone

28. If you had to teach someone one thing, what would you teach?

How to be nice to people

29. What makes you smile?

The people who care about me and i care about

30. What drives you to do better at something?

My parents and the fear of disappointing them

31.What do you really love to do? Do you do it often? If you answer no, why not?

I love to read and write and i don’t do it that often but i want to start doing it more as soon as i’m finished with whats causing me stress at the moment

32. What can you do today that you couldn’t do a year ago? What will you be able to do at this time next year?

Talk about my feelings better and actually let people in, and hopefully next year ill be even better at it than i am now

33. What is the last thing that you’ve done that’s really worth remembering?

When I spent a whole day with my mum

34. What gets you excited and driven to achieve?

The future i could potentially have 

35. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

when i went to Birmingham to visit my girlfriend 

36. What do you want most out of life?

Just to be happy and have a family

37. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you?

Hopefully it would help me but knowing my luck it would probs hurt me 

38. If you could go back in time, once, and change a single thing – what would it be?

When a certain person hurt me and fucked up my life

39. If you had a year left to live, what would you achieve over the next 12 months?

Visit every place on my bucket list and tell all my family i love them

40. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

To be happy

41. What do you “owe” yourself?

Nothing tbh

42. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My gf tbh cheesy i know but still

43. How do you spend the majority of your free time? Why?

Watching youtube or spending time with people i care about

44. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A power ranger or a spy omg 

45. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

Went to uni tbh 

46. What terrifies you the most?

People leaving me and being on my own

47. What are you looking forward to?

My future tbh where im married with kids 

48. Describe the greatest adventure of your life

Havent been on it yet

49. Where would you like to live? Why haven’t you moved?

Paris and money tbh

50. What have you done that you’re most proud to have achieved?

Gone to uni tbh didnt think i would but im here 

51. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

I wouldnt be able to live or get a job tbh

52. What is your greatest strength?

Listening to others and giving advice 

53. What is your greatest weakness?

My paranoia and insecurities 

54. What did your life teach you yesterday?

That people will always talk about you behind your back no matter if you thought they cared about you or not 

55. What have you done today to make someone’s life better?

Sorted out some money issues so my parents don’t have to stress about it 

56. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?

My parents most likely

57. What makes you special?

No idea, I don’t think i am tbh

58. How many people do you truly love? What are you doing for them?

A few and I’ll always make sure im there for them whenever they need me

59. What bad habits do you want to break?

Biting my skin and nails and the major bad one i do

60. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

many times especially concerning my sister and dad 

61. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Building my life with my gf and our future together tbh

62. If you spend a day watching movies when you should be working a day wasted or well spent?

Wasted omg i feel so guilty whenever i do

63. Would your life be better or worse, if you knew the time and place where you would die?

worse id always be thinking about it 

64. What is honor, and does it even matter anymore?

to me its being true to yourself and i would like to think it does 

65. Would you be a martyr and risk your reputation by standing up for what is right in front of your peers? Or is it better to be pragmatic and do nothing?

always stand up for what is right and be true to yourself and not lose yourself in fitting in with everyone else 

66. Could you be persuaded to kill someone? If you answer no, how much money would it take to change your mind?”

Depends what they did tbh and why it matters to me 

67. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

I’d be where i’m supposed to be but idk its never going to happen

68. Would you rather have 10 years of excellent health, or 30 years of average health?

30 years tbh the longer the better 

69. Is being open-minded a virtue, if it’s causing destructive ideas to spread throughout society?

Everyone should be open minded but not if its causing destructive ideas to blossom and spread 

70. Do you consider yourself the hero or the villain in your story?

Villain definitely i sabotage my own happiness too much 

71. How much control do you really have over yourself?

Not much tbh my head gets in the way 

72. When did you last push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

Yesterday tbh to hang out with my new mate 

73. What have you given up on?

Too many things tbh you’d probs cry 

74. Who are you really? Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think.

Im the best person to have fighting for you in your corner and ill do everything in my being to help those who need it 

75. Deep down, who are you?

No idea, if you ever meet her lemme know yeah?

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

ey

this was so long ago it’s gonna be rough remembering. here goes nothing.

getting in the first night was super nice. my flight was easy, ubering was simple. when i got to the hotel they gave me a warm cookie!! that was so cool! basically i just set up camp, showered, ordered room service, i got this spinach risotto it was delicious dude, and then watched riverdale. i had a roommate, alanna, super sweet girl, she came later at night so it wasn't as freeing as when i was at gt and had the single and hooked up my phone to the tv and watched kimmy schmidt. but it was still good.

the next morning alanna and i went to get breakfast. we went to this place called yolk and it was super yummy. after eating we went exploring together and we went to millenium park, saw the fountain, saw the bean!!!!!! i can't believe i saw the bean in real life. it was amazing. i wish i admired it more. one thing is for sure, i will go back to chicago. it was an amazing city. one of my favorites i think. the streets were so fun looking and it was surprisingly very safe. i had a really great time just walking around and admiring the buildings and landscaping. after exploring, and snagging some starbucks, we went back to the hotel to get ready and headed up to the rooftop for lunch. immediately, like I'm not kidding as soon as we walked in, these two professionals come up to us and greeted us. i was so shook tbh. they were so hospitable, and it was such a kind ay to enter. we hadn't registered yet so one of them even went down with us to do that. we came back up with our name tags and got lunch and sat with these professionals, they were super nice and fun. it was really easy to feel welcome everyone was so nice. after eating we played this human bingo game and had to find people that did things or can do things and mark them off just as an ice breaker. it was really cool, and a quick way to meet more people. it was here i first met alexis, and who'd have known that by the end of the night, we’d be so close. i met this professional who i thought was a student at first, but we bonded over her going to an eric nam concert. what a time. next we headed down into the conference room and began. 

the conference was alright. it wasn’t bad, but just the whole time i could not engage myself. and i kept thinking it’s okay if you think deloitte is where you’re going, you can still learn from this one. and i just could not get myself to engage. and the speakers were good, but i didn’t really find anything that i could take away from them. only one, kara, she talked about her young daughter going to sports camp and being the only girl and feeling weird and having to learn how to kick butt. it was a really real conversation and that’s the only speaker i learned from. the rest i just had a lot of trouble connecting to. we didn't have any group activities like we did at deloitte. and we didn't have a  set group. we switched tables i think 4 times, i think the point was to meet more people but like that’s hard to do when no one really introduced you and you didn't interact with your tablemates. it was just another table to sit at and disengage from the speakers. the organization of the program was a little off, i know it’s hard to time these things but they would run out of time a lot, or run over time, or not have something last as long as it should’ve. idk man i don't know why but they were just bad on time. the professionals i talked to were really sweet though. they were kinda helpful in terms of explaining what they do if you got one alone at your table, but they were better to talk to about random things. i didn't feel like anyone really knew what they did. only this one girl who did national tap, so i signed up for that as my preference. we had this like networking thing were each table set up was a different sector we could go into, and you could go around and talk to professionals about that they do but literally no one could give me an answer. literally no idea what was going on i just keep talking to people and nodding my head but i cannot tell you the difference between rap and tap. so i just said tap because that girl was the only one who could tell me what her job was. 

once the end of the conference approached we were dismissed to go get ready really quickly and then get on buses for the dine around tour. it was waiting for the elevators that i saw alexis again and we began a conversation. i learned that she was a graduating senior this decemeber and that she already did her interview with ey and has the offer to start once she graduates! i congratulated her and told her that was killer and we talked about her current job at school in florida working as a consultant for a smaller firm, and we got a little into her concerns for her ey offer because it’s in florida but she wants to be in austin with her boyfriend and was worried that people would think she was stupid for following a boy and then did she really want to leave her job because she liked the she knew everyone and likes the smaller firm feel. we reached the elevators by now so we promised to meet back up on the bus and continue our conversation. once i got back down though, i realized that she must have been later than me because my bus filled up before i even saw if she was outside the hotel. i later found out that she got on the second bus and told me she freaked out and was looking for me! i felt so touched, she genuinely wanted to continue our conversation and was looking for me. i think i was so surprised by it because another girl i met earlier we connected over not being able to engage hahah, but she said that we should talk more and we said we’d sit near each other on the bus too and she completely ditched me. so to find out that alexis was looking for me was really sweet. while on the bus though, a girl named sara sat next to me and i‘m glad that she did. she talked to me about her opportunities with frito-lay who she was interning with but they weren't giving her exactly what she wanted to she wanted to see what ey could offer and potentially switch but she doesn’t know what she wants completely yet, she’s still in limbo. i told her about all my slp’s and she told me i was really on top of my shit. she’s a year older, so she’s in a position similar to alexis. sara told me i was doing really well and that i should get more confidence in myself. she shared her journey and she had to work up to realize how great she was and that at my age, i’m doing great, and that by the time i grow and get to her age, i’ll be unstoppable. i just have to recognize that i’m super freaking amazing. it was a very empowering bus ride to the appetizer restaurant. 

i got into the restaurant before alexis as my bus got there first and i kept checking the door for her to come and and she was looking for me too as she walked in. we continued our conversation about her and her worries about austin vs. florida and what she’s going to do. a professional sat with us and she was able to give alexis the proper people to contact and gave her great advice, like she’s really lucky that that lady was the one who sat with us. after talking with the professional, alexis had explained her whole self and i had a really great grasp of who she was and what she cared for and she felt reassured about the rest of the process. we walked out of the restaurant with arms linked and made sure we both got onto the same bus. we sat together and she looked at me and said that it was my turn. that by now i knew so much about her and now it was her turn to stop talking and to start listening. this was a crazy concept for me. i’m always the listener, and i’m really bad at talking about my self and i confessed that to her. she didn't act like it was a big deal or made me feel awkward, just encouraged me to share and talk about myself. i talked about me, where i come from, what i do at school, all my programs, deloitte and how much i loved it and that they were giving me what i wanted from them. it was really nice to be able to just dump verbally though. we reached the stop for dinner, giodornos, this deep dish pizza place and alexis, a chicago native was super excited for me to have my first slice of deep dish. it was so freaking good you guys. all pizza should be like this. it was like a pie of deliciousness and cheese. i had to struggle to finish the second piece of pizza but it was so good. it was here that we talked about our brothers and our relationships with them, traveling, i shared about my excitement for china and she elaborated on her trip to europe and how she visited like 30 countries. we made a deal to travel and explore europe together and i know it’ll happen. this girl next to us was talking about how she thought the food looked “gross” and how she didn't like it and alexis and i just kept looking at each other and kept digging into our pizza cause it was so good and we were not abut her negativity. later that night we talked about how we thought it wasn't really a place to be in to not like the food. when you’re at these programs, or any event with professionals, and they get you food, you shut up and eat it all. you don't complain about it and act ungrateful. i’m glad that she recognized that too. as we left the restaurant we got back on the topic of the firms and she shared again that she did like what she was doing with her small firm a lot and we talked about the glamor of a big 4, but then if you go to one to move down to a smaller firm, if you know you want to end up small why not just start at a small firm. why go through the trouble of making the transition from big to small. we were able to connect very quickly and have very practical conversations being real about the realities we could end up in. it was the most engaged and real thing i had encountered yet at ey, aside from my conversation with sara.

by now we had reached the john hancock building and alexis and i just played tourist. we took pictures and marveled at everything and it felt like we were old friends adventuring in the others hometown. as we were taking pictures and having a mini photoshoot, we kept talking about how the lighting wasn’t great and kept trying to fix our pictures. after taking a few more, this boy stopped me to ask if i could take some pictures of him and i said of course and gave him the photoshoot treatment as well. it was really fun. i gave him back his phone and told him it took really great pictures, he offered it then to me and alexis and said he could airdrop them too us so we could have better quality pictures. it was honestly such a nice and kind act. we gladly accepted and redid each others photoshoot and he airdropped us our pictures. i asked him if he was a tourist as i noticed his accent when he spoke and he said yes he’s visiting his brother at ithaca and now they’re exploring chicago. he told me he’s from taiwan, not thailand! he clarified and i laughed and told him not to worry i know the difference between taiwan and thailand, and told him i was going to china this fall and would hopefully get to visit taiwan while i’m there. he told me to have fun and to enjoy taiwan if i get to go. i thanked him again for the photos and we went our ways. alexis and i found a spot to sit and rest as we were getting sleepy and we kept chatting. after a bit, the boy came back and extended his phone asking if i wanted to add him on facebook or something if i do end up going to taiwan and reach out. i thought it was so sweet and told him yeah and added myself. by now i should probably learn his name and he told me it was edward. i looked him dead in the face and said “okay but what’s your real name i know it’s not edward” he laughed and told me it was bi yue and i asked yue like the moon? he said it’s pronounced the same but a difference meaning. we wrapped up our conversation now and i told him i’d let him know if i make it to taiwan and thanked him again for the pictures and to enjoy his time in america and we parted ways again. alexis just nudged me and was like “ooooh” and i was confused for a bit until she explained that he was most likely flirting with me since he came back to get my facebook. tbh, i’m pretty shocked at that. i guess that’s pretty cool. go me. getting random taiwanese boys’ facebook in the middle of chicago. china get ready for me haha. we got back to just talking now. we walked around a little more, seeing the place from different angles and i told her that i would be back to chicago for sure. it was so beautiful and i fell in love with the city. we began to make our way back out to the bus to head back to the hotel. we saw a basketball team in the hotel we were parked in front of so that was cool. we just kept talking all the way back to hotel and said goodnight once we got there. 

i had made plans with tara to meet up so i dashed off to see with her as soon as i said night to alexis. tara picked me up and took me all over chicago. i felt like a teenager. exploring the city and just walking around being teenagers and seeing it at night, it was beautiful. we walked along the water, tried to see the bean but the park was closed, rude™, she drove me through the batman tunnel while playing big shot, we listened to chance as we drove along the shoreline of the lake. it was just so beautiful. it reminded me of lebanon. driving through beirut standing out the sunroof and looking at all the lights. i stuck my hand out the window while going along the shore and let it just wave through the wind and feel the resistance. it was just such a peaceful night. so beautiful. i was so lucky that tara saw my snapchat and reached out to me and invited me to show me her city. 

the next morning alanna and i talked about the program and both confessed how it wasn't what we were wanting it to be. that we were just gonna see it through but it just wasn't what we wanted. it was nice to be able to share that together. the second day of the conference, i was really just waiting for it to end. i was done. i made my friend for life, i saw chicago, i was over this conference. but i still tried to listen and stay engaged and see what else it could offer. they did a case study prep course and it was kinda helpful it really just confirmed what i already thought you’d do. then we had lunch and this small activity that really lasted way too long. it was getting so close to my flight time that i didn't care anymore. i was so scared i was gonna miss my flight. the program finally ended about 45 minutes late. i won a selfie stick in the last 10 minutes of it so that was fine, but the rest i literally was ready to just get up out of my seat and leave early. i ubered with some other girls to the airport and they were concerned they were gonna miss their flight and they were at the airport 2 hours before it. me, i got there 1 hour before mine and security was wrapped a million times and all the way to the back wall. i anticipated this and called while we were driving over and changed my flight to the later one, so once i did that the car ride was a lot less stressful. i was ready to just plug my laptop in, get myself some nice dinner, and wait for my flight that was now 4 hours away. once i get there i take my time, i change i call my mom, i get my ticket printed, and i go stand in line. and then suddenly while i’m waiting, i remember that mckenzie had emailed me earlier asking if i could call so i took that time to call her. she said she was glad i called before the end of the day because she wanted to tell me before the holiday weekend, that i had received the internship offer with deloitte in risk and financial advisory! i was beaming as i went through security. and she told me that shipla, my interviewer, wanted to call me but got busy. i was literally so ecstatic and you guys know the rest of that story. so now i’m buzzing as i go through security and once i make it to the other side, i realize, my plane still doesn't leave for another 20 minutes. they actually got us through security really fast. so i book it to my gate and ask the attendant if i'm still on the flight since they never cancelled my ticket just bought me a new one. and low and behold, they did, my seat just got moved to the very back. no problemo. so she printed me a new one and i was the 4th to last person on the plane. i made it on time and was on my way home, on time, and with gr9 news.

so it was a beautiful ending to a crazy weekend. i loved everything about it that didn't have to do with ey which was the saddest part. i loved the people i met through it, the city it was in, and the food they gave us, but i didn't care for anything associated directly with them. for fucks sake the best part of my weekend was getting that call from mckenzie telling me i got the internship with deloitte. but everyone i met was so incredibly nice, krisite the recruiter was so kind and attentive, and kara was so amazing. they were the first people i met, they were the ones who saw alanna and i walk in and i loved kara’s talk. i just wish the conference had more of them in it. but i already knew where my heart lied before i even got there. and that’s okay. i still am grateful for all that ey did for me, and i’m grateful that they chose me to partake in these opportunities, they just weren’t my fit. and that’s okay. 

[goldenscript]

yeah dude my brothers make bank and they always offer to buy me groceries so bless them. in ms-hs i was really involved in the SAFE program at davis, not sure if you’ve heard about it! it’s an asian american org and was always great+very insightful for me. not advertising i swear!! awh good luck with english and your papers! sounds like you’re never gonna be running away from writing lmao and yeah about that, im trynna switch my major atm and go into human development. i have a friend (1/?)

that works in the department at davis already too and he’s willing to help me out if i transfer so that’s lit. see man i got so many people and connections at davis issa shame i couldn’t go there ;-; but it’s my fault, i was waitlisted and they eventually accepted me but i didnt see the email until a month later and they give u a 1 week deadline to reply… so.. ye there’s my tragic story.. eYY lmk your results if you do hop back on! and yes omg xmen is so.. like biologically cool bc every- (2/?)             

thing’s explained and ur like so when am i gonna like get some powers lol genes wya. YES IT IS!! omg wow we’ll be in such close proximity of each other that’s wild?? AND RIGHT LMAO KOOK HAD ME HOLLERIN bc i could imagine it so vividly. but really?? no way!! that’s crazy bc it’s so popular, it’s abg central but the drinks are bomb i swear on my LIFE em. i usually go for okinawa or plain milk t tea if im not at pekoe. i have an essay due monday so i have to be working on that all day tomorrow (3/?             

but other than that i prob wont be doing much! oh and tell me about some of your childhood/favorite shows! (4/4) -sjsu            

i haven’t heard about that actually but it sounds so cool! especially since it’s an asian american org too. i haven’t gotten around to joining any orgs and part of me half-regrets it since i really do like doing those kinds of things. i was a club president back in high school and i was always stressed and top of my shit but in the best way tbh??? but yeah, that’s amazing that you enjoyed it so much! thank you though! i’ll just have to work hard to finish this quarter strong so i’m taking all the luck i can get

ooh, human development! my roomie’s considering minoring in that since she wants to be an elementary school teacher. that’s so tight that you have so many connections already dude. :( i had a friend who was waitlisted and was gonna go to sac state but switched back to davis since they wound up admitting her a few afterwards jkdhgruijngs regardless, i can’t wait for you to come here and hopefully we can meet and hang!

i will!!! i promise!!!! and dude, yes, i fuckin’ love that their explanation has some scientific plausibility, though i don’t know a whole lot of its accuracy since i am only a mere English major - i still like to hope and think it’s pretty damn accurate tbh. but god, imagine having a power??? what would your power be? i’m torn being being an empath or manipulating time, because with empathy if i worked hard enough to develop my skill i’d actually be able to mimic powers (i spent a lot of time looking into powers when i was doing this writing thing with an old friend of mine) or with time manipulation i could actually.... teleport like How Awesome would that be ksdfhsjfskfskfs

MOOD. i love that thread and i wish it’d come into fruition tbh. also, oooh okinawa! i’ve tried that one. i’ve tried different ones but i always jump between earl grey and wintermelon since they’re both classics to me. i wanna try pekoe now :( also, omfg good luck on your paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a few of my favorite childhood shows have gotta be totally spies, teen titans, kim possible, courage the cowardly dog, and scooby doo. god i loved those shows so much, especially teen titans! omg and american dragon: jake long!!!!!!! nowadays, i watch agents of s.h.i.e.l.d. and i think that’s it lmao. i used to watch teen wolf (hated it after season 3b), once upon a time (the most recent season is pretty wonky to me and idk i just fell hella behind and i’m too lazy to try catching up), and the 100 (like the first two seasons were good but then it started getting meh with the major characters deaths and the ways they went about the character development... though i’d call it more like underdevelopment in more ways). what about you?

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

The Childhood Story of JP Dejoria into Adulthood and His Parenting Skills

So I recently only slightly cared about​ JP Dejoria and why he would rape his daughter. And after why he pimped her out to his friends when she got pregnant and he didn't want to get caught. His foster family father raped him and he liked it. And so he raped his kids. It doesn't really make sense until you put in the fact that his foster father had emotionally manipulated him and told him that's what dads do. Well. I think that if he had talked about it with real people they would told him that that's not what dads do. He was rich, he should went to a counselor. A clergy member. Anyone. He's trying to tell the world that no one told him it was bad. And that he never thought that he was just doing it because he wouldn't get caught and it was free sex. He never once thought it was bad. And that he should tell Alexis to lie and say it was her father's friend and take her to w counselor and join in on the sessions and talk about what happened to him and say he thinks it was not good although he hadn't been sure at the time so he wanted to get her help after killing her unborn child. Never thought anything but pimping her out to save his own skin. So while it's an interesting story, it doesn't sit well. I know I'm quite the harsh critic and maybe I'm not the best person to be talking to since I had FBI in my life at a young age and my father and Aunt P and Uncle Ry at an even younger age. That's why I feel so hard for Dejoria. That's why she gets my sympathy. However her father. He must had known it was bad. When he knew she was raping and drugging men because of what he did to her. And I know he has known for years. I know I told him. What did he do? He paid people to shut up. But she continued to rape. He didn't help her. I tried. I did try and yes I did fail at stopping her quickly. But I did absolutely everything that I could think of to help her, to stop her. To kick her ass. What did her dad do? I felt so hard for Dejoria, I eventually didn't care if she was going to get arrested or not. The time it took for her to get arrested also played a way bigger part. I just gave up on the cops. I did. But I believed, because it had taken so long and I saw eventual progress, I believed that Dejoria could stop on her own. Sure it was after her hip broke. But God man. That's what it took. It makes me so pissed off. Not that she didn't deserve it, cause her shitty selfish attitude but because no one else fucking did anything. It pisses me off that her life was ruined. And her father is telling me "oh I made a mistake :-! God has to forgive me!" Well I don't believe in Jesus. I don't believe Jesus Christ died for our sins. I believe he made his own. I believe that Jesus is more like Alexis Dejoria. Never taught right from wrong. Never taught to be selfless. And so because no one taught her, she's collected the ways of the sinners. That's who I think Jesus is. JP doesn't deserve to be forgiven. No one does. He has the responsibility to help his daughter to become a more responsible person to be responsible for her own actions. JP isn't taking responsibility for his actions. He's running around crying "I fucked up, I don't deserve punishment and if you try to punish me, I will kill you!!!" So forgiving JP is not on my timeline of life. It's not my job to forgive him It's his job to accept responsibility for what he caused to occur in his daughter's life and fix it. I've fucked up in my daughter's life. And I have to find where I made my mistake and I have to tell her "mommy fucked up. Mommy realizes this happened and mommy didn't want that to happen and mommy will never let anyone hurt you again but you have to tell Mommy." Or "mommy didn't know this would happen when/if mommy did _____. Mommy that ______ would occur/was happening. Mommy was wrong." My daughter has to forgive me. Or my daughter has to stand with me and hate those that hurt her. My daughter has to be the one that's okay. Not me. I can be fucked up all day and night about something That happened to her and I am. But not her. I don't care the hell in my mind as long as my daughter doesn't feel that hell and can move on and live to be productive and happy. JP doesn't feel that way. He doesn't care what he did to her. He tells me he enjoyed what his foster father did. That's his only defense. He's never said that he cares more about Dejoria than anyone, never said he wanted to take her pain so she can't feel it. No. He told her to kill herself so that he would not get in trouble for raising a rapist because he raped her. He told her to kill herself. To kill herself. Not "I'll kill myself because I was wrong in what I did to you and I know now" NO. HE TOLD HER TO KILL HERSELF. Sure me and my dad told her to kill herself too but we didn't rape her. We told her to stop raping. We weren't protecting ourselves from getting in trouble. We tell my mom to kill herself too But once JP told Alexis to kill herself. We stopped. We said no more. No more of that. JP is not getting away with that. Hell fucking no. I'd be God dammed and I will NOT be God dammed. JP wants sympathy and forgiveness. I can't. No. Dejoria is so so so hurt by her father. I HAVE to stand next to a rapist and hold HER hand and say "we will get this bastard" That's why Dejoria accepts that she will be punished. That's why she's okay with going to prison. And she is. Ahhh she begged and begged the cops to arrest her. She never turned herself in, mind you do she just caused the scene but. In her heart and mind she knew. But she could not stop raping. She was so fucked up. And I love her for that. Crazy yes. But it pisses me off. At everyone, the cops. The cops mostly. For taking so long. For abusing her. That's how I see it. Of course, the eyes of investigation are different and I'm sure they have an argument but in the end it doesn't really matter since she's going to willingly go to prison anyways, even if she takes it to trial to try to envoke sympathy and lesser years. JP wants me to to help him? I told him what he should to do. He needs to become an advocate against rape. He needs to provoke awareness of the rapes in the foster system 📣 Work with people to create some sort of screening process for foster parents Beg more outstanding members of community to become foster parents. In my very small county there's 150 homeless children in need of foster care. It's a small county. They're desperate for foster homes. So better people need to stand up and be a foster parent. He needs to create a program that can help kids of America to be homed and not raped. Well. Someone does. I doubt he will. He thinks he deserves forgiveness for saying "I made a mistake" He thinks he can shame Me for punishing her family with the police. He thinks I care. He thinks he can emotionally push me around and damage me. I'm human. And yeah. He can. But he doesn't deserve that right. He can go fuck himself in the ass with a shotgun until one of the other explodes. And I don't care which because the result is the same. Or nearly enough for me. That's all I have to say I'm.going to go watch Cedar Cove where it's fantasy and nothing like that shit happens and everyone is happy and painfree except for a few minutes or until the next episode. But before I go, it's currently Memorial Day Monday Do not thank a Veteran. It's not their day. It's the day of the dead. Sympathize with one. Tell him/her "I'm sorry for your loss and the loss of our country" I am sorry for the life lost of both JP and Alexis Dejoria. I am sorry that no one helped them but hurt them instead But now it is time for them both to stop hurting others. So while you think back to Vietnam. Remember those people that killed and were treated like shit after, that's what we do to rape victims that turn to raping others. Does that matter? Any other day but today, yes. Unfortunately our country has never been great and has never found a way to fix itself. And fix it's citizens that are not properly educated Idk why we don't teach it's not okay to rape in schools. Idk why it's kept a secret. And I'm sorry our country is stupid and hurts people. I do the best I can. I'm trying. I'm trying not to hurt anyone but heal them. I'm trying the best I can. In honesty, it hurts me. Makes me sad and want to cry. This isn't happy work. I wish the world was different. Unfortunately.... Well.. we know the truth.