#but i hadnt talked to him since February so maybe i was just happy to talk to him

[ra-vio]

Art summaries by month are hard for me because I tend to do most my drawing in one month as opposed to around the year

[kozykricket]

ANIMAL WELL THOUGHTS (+ bigmode dunkey publishing thoughts)

so, animal well came out, and... i remember hearing about it sometime around february or march, but i hadnt realized bigmode was publishing it lol i havent played it yet, but i definitely plan to heres what i know: its a very funky and mysterious game, surreal kinda vibes. if you liked rain world for being a metroidvania but then also deciding to do weird shit with its world and go founky, but you maybe wished it was more about weird funky stuff, then... maybe you'll be interested! ive heard from furyforged, a yter i watch, that through following its development it has given him noita vibes in terms of the mysteries afoot in the world, and how there were even ARGs for stuff like the release date... but its supposedly all meant to be reasonably solvable without the internet? its supposedly quite surreal, and ive heard nothing but "oh my god this is literally one of the best games ever" even from people who i... really thought wouldnt give a darn about a quirky indie game which helps with the segue into the bigmode in the room

so, i honestly forgot dunkey did that whole thing with starting a game publishing thing... and now everyones talking about "wow, the first game that he publishes comes out and its a 10/10 GOTY contender according to most outlets. after we all laughed at him for saying i will only publish good videogames" and i think that no matter how you spin it, that is definitely quite hilarious, and huge congrats to the devs of animal well for having such positive reception. but it got me thinking about ... well, a game being published by someone well known for their career before publishing. by an influencer, content creator, whatever you'd call dunkey, and... like yeah, i suppose the duty of a publisher IS to help spread the word of the game and do the marketing and stuff, so the devs themselves dont have to, but it must be kinda strange to have people not just talking about your game for its pure contents, but talking a lot about DUNKEY and like. HIS achievements. i guess i just... don't want that to overshadow the game itself? i mean, it probably wont since... yknow, people separate publishers and games pretty darn easily. its what publishers do: they give games attention. dunkey said what he wanted to do with bigmode was to like, invest in games that he BELIEVES in and that he thinks SHOULD get more attention instead of just being yet another indie swept under the rug... which is great, because theres too many good indie games that go underappreciated just bc they dont get enough good marketing. it just kinda feels sad being reminded of that though but like, i just hope it isnt confined to being "the dunkey owned publisher, no way funny haha man" out of... yknow. well. i dont want games published by bigmode to be overshadowed by him. ...probably a silly worry though. again people dont say stuff like "oh yeah i really love [game publisher] they did so great" they talk about the devs when it comes to the contents of the game. the reason people are talkin about dunkey is probably because this is the FIRST game for bigmode to publish, and ... that he proved himself right, at least so far i mainly just ... think its a bit of a unique experience, and it makes me simultaneously happy for animal well, and bummed out for other small indie games, knowing that ultimately there are games of this quality coming out and flying under peoples radar just bc they dont get the resources and marketing of a good publisher

edit: cleaned up post

[bardanameeks]

The Masquerade Ball

Who: @doveportdanam​ and @doveportcharles​

When: 29th February

Notes: Charlie and Dana spend time at the ball to then go home with each other in the hopes of sex, ends up with them cuddling until they fall asleep. 

dana

Dana was glad she was spending time at the masquerade ball working behind the bar, she was just gutted she couldn't drink the drinks but she also accepted it because there was not much she could do. She was glad her dress covered her baby bump, because she still wasn't sure what to do. She stood there as she looked over at the bar before noticing Charlie at the bar and she let out a slight smile before she looked over at him for  a moment, "Well Hi, don't you look handsome." She smiled slightly looking at him.

charlie

Charlie was already a few drinks in. He didn’t really know what to expect when he game to this thing but it seemed like everyone was having a good time and Charlie liked when people had a good time, it made him happy seeing people with smiles on their faces. He’s taking a sip of his whiskey on the rocks when Dana approaches him. He gives her a sincere smile and he can feel himself blush slightly at her comment. “Hey...I just kinda threw this on, no biggie.” He shrugged with a small laugh. ���You look beautiful, you shouldn’t be behind the bar working, you should be out there dancing, having fun before you can’t anymore.” Charlie mentions.

dana

Dana stood there as she looked at him and laughed at his response, she knew he was still trying to get to grips with what was about to happen to his life. “Of course that’s how you’d play it out! Don’t lie you wanted to look hot!” She laughed a little before smiling a little, “Thank you. I mean I can still dance, I just can’t drink. No matter what baby bump I have I will still be able to rock some kind of moves and still look hot.” She smiled over at the guy, “I just volunteered to work behind bar to help everyone out and make the night more bare able because I can’t be drunk. So will you get drunk for me?”

charlie

Charlie circled the bar to come up behind it, next to Dana. “You never know who’s watching. Of course I wanted to look good.” He chuckles with a wink. He brought his hands up to her shoulders and massaged her skin gently. He always got sort of handsy when he had been drinking. “You should take a break, go dance or sit for a sec. I can watch over the bar if you’d like.” He tells her sincerely

dana

Dana smiled as he looked over at him as he walked behind it, this was probably the first time they had been this close in a while. She smiled and laughed, "Of course you did, And I don't blame you, but you know you don't need to look good to catch a girls attention." She laughed a little before she felt his hands on her shoulders, she knew she should probably stop him but she didn't care to at that moment. "But are you sure? Like I offered to do this but you didn't." She asked looking over at him for a moment.March 9, 2020

charlie

Charles didn’t say anything to that. He felt like his attention catching days were gonna be over soon anyway. Soon he’d have a kid and who knows how much things will change. He squeezed her shoulders once more before dropping his hands. “I’m sure, go, have fun, gets some food. I’ll watch over things here.” He told her as he started to clean some things up. “Talk me up to the ladies and fellas.” He winks

dana

Dana looked over at him as he stopped touching her shoulders and she felt like she had hurt him in some way. She smiled softly as she nodded, “well if you’re sure I will go. I will try my best.” She smiled as she left the table and danced a little before she hugged a friend and then walked back to the table, “How was I?” She laughed a little.

charlie

Charles served a few drinks, flirted with some guys and girls as he watched the pregnant girl dance. He was glad to give her a break so she could have fun, after all she was basically making a human being in her body. That seemed exhausting.  As she comes up to the bar he pours her a cup of cold water. “Here, you need to stay hydrated.” He says with a soft smile. “You were great. Really.” He wiped down the bar and looked over at her again.

dana

Dana looked at him as she took the cup of water and took a sip of it. She smiled, “Thanks for that. I needed it.” She smiled as she placed her hand on her bump. “Well I am very glad you think I was great. So how was the bar?”

charlie

“You don’t want to take a seat? You’ve been on your feet for hours.” He tells her. “Bar was fine. Nothing special.” Charlie grabs another cup with ice and pours himself some more whiskey. The alcohol is making him sweat so he pulls on his bow tie, loosening it up and unbuttoning some of his shirt underneath.

dana

Dana sighed, “But I am meant to be serving, and I promised I wouldn’t let this get me down or stop me from doing something.” She smiled before looking over at him for a moment, “Are you okay?”

charlie

“Dana, you’re pregnant. That doesn’t make you weak for wanting to take care of yourself and stay healthy. You can’t over work yourself, it’s not good for you or the baby. I’m sure there are other staff that can take over.” He says as he takes another sip of his drink. He wasn’t mad or anything, maybe a just a bit agitated that Dana maybe wasn’t taking care of herself. And he didn’t want to tell her what to do but he didn’t want anything as to happen. He was getting more used to the idea that soon he’d have something that was his to care for and if anything happened to his child he didn’t know what he’d do. “I’m fine. Just hot.”

dana

Dana sighed and looked down for a moment, “I guess you’re right I’m just not used to slowing down.” She sighed a little looking over at him for a moment, she was glad that he was finally seeing the fact that he cared. “Well did you wanna go outside for fresh air, I’ll come with?”

charlie

Charlie bites his lip and sighs. He can feel his anxiety bubbling up again and he hated it. His anxiety was the reason he had showed up at Peyton’s last time and found out about his feelings for her. He figured it would go away and he was just feeling lonely because he was drunk, but the feelings continued to linger. He didn’t know what would happen if he went outside with Dana. He tends to do stupid shit when he’s drunk and lonely, like sleep with Dana in the first place.  But shut happens, right? Maybe he wants to like Dana in the way he loves likes Peyton. It definitely would be easier if they dated since they were having a child together. But what if he couldn’t commit? What if he ends up cheating on her like he did with his first serious girlfriend? God, his mind was racing. Maybe he did need fresh air. He nods. “Okay.” He whispers at Dana.

dana

Dana stood there, she looked around for a moment as she ran a hand through her hair. Her life was changing and she had to accept it. She could sense something was wrong and she didn’t know what but she shrugged and walked towards the door, “So what’s going Charlie? Seriously are you okay? I know the last time we properly spoke well over text it wasn’t great and I’m sorry about that.”

charlie

Charlie walks with her and composes himself once again. He was fine, it was just the alcohol talking. As soon as they’re outside he takes a deep breath and the chilly air helps ground him. “Yeah, I’m good, I’m fine.” He tells her. He can’t break down now. He can’t be weak for Dana. He needs to be strong, be her rock. Not the other way around. “Like I said, it was just hot in there.”(edited)

dana

Dana stood there, she ran a hand through her hair for a moment, as she let the cold hit her for a moment and she smiled, “if you say so but I don’t think it’s because you’re hot but I’m not going to push you.”

charlie

Charlie purses his lips and nods. “Good.” He tells her and he can feel himself reverting back into the closed up asshole he didn’t mean to be. He just hated talking about his feelings with others. He really only trusted Peyton with that. He finishes his drink and sets the cup down on a ledge before turning to Dana. She did look extra glowy and pretty. “Do you think it would be a bad idea if we slept together again?” He asks her.

dana

Dana stood there as she ran a hand through her hair for a moment and shrugged for a moment. Was there a part of her who wished they could communicate like people who were together could? Yes but she knew it wouldn’t happen with them. She laughed a little, “well I couldn’t get more pregnant so, I wouldn’t say no.”

charlie

Charles knew this wasn’t the best idea but with all the alcohol clouding his judgement he didn’t really care. “Wanna come back to my place?”

dana

Dana looked at him, she had to question it, she was meant to be working bar, but she had craved sex for a longtime especially since being pregnant so when he offered she wouldn’t say no.”Well sure I would love to.”

charlie

Charlie grinned as he headed back inside and slipped a staff member a couple large bills so he could watch over the bar before calling an Uber for him and Dana. “You have all your stuff with you?”(edited)

dana

Dana hadnt come with much, just her leather jacket she had on her. She smiled looking over at the guy beside her, “I have everything.Dont you worry.”

charlie

Charlie nods and walks them out to their car and he opens the door for Dana, getting in after her. The drive back to Charlie’s place wasn’t long. He lived near by in a nice area of town, next to the beach. His house was a very decent size and well kept. On arrival he once again helped out Dana and walked her to his place. And as the alcohol was wearing out he was becoming tired. He honestly wasn’t even in the mood for sex, he just wanted someone around. His house was too big for just him.

dana

Dana was unsure as to why she agreed, it’s not like she was drunk. At this point it was possible that she just wanted company since her housemate probably had Avery over after the party. As she walked to his place, she walked in and looked over at him for a moment. “This might be the first time sober in your house.”

charlie

Charlie let out a small laugh. “Well, I certainly am not sober.” He says as he takes off his coat and sets in on a chair he has in the entrance. He then leads her up the stairs to his bedroom. His bedroom is the the entire upper level of the house and includes it’s own walk in closet and huge bathroom. “Do you mind if I get more comfortable? Do you want to get out of that dress? Take off your shoes. You can’t be comfortable in those heels.” He says as he’s shrugging off his shirt.

dana

Dana looked over at him for a moment and laughed before she followed him up the stairs. She made it up but felt worn out by walking up the stairs. She nodded, “Go for it. I mean the heels ain’t comfortable so you know I was planning on taking them off.” She laughed a little as she took her shoes off, as she tried to undo her dress herself.

charlie

After Charlie takes off his shirt he goes into his closet, taking his pants off and slipping on a pair of joggers and grabbing a Graphic tee. He ends up grabbing a two maybe Dana wanted one. When’s he coming back he sees the woman struggling to undo her dress and Charles comes up behind her. “Hey, here, let me help.” His fingers follow down to the zipper and he slowly undoes the dress.

dana

Dana was happy to just be around someone tonight, it was comfort. As Charles helped her with her dress, she couldn’t help but be happy, “Thank you, that really is helpful.” She smiled looking over at him now that the dress was undone but part of her felt uncomfortable getting out of the dress completely in front of him for some reason.

charlie

He nods and takes a step back to let her undress, after a moment he remembered that he had brought her a shirt. “Oh, here. I brought you this so you could be more comfy.” He hands her the shirt but doesn’t bother putting his on. He was still running hot. Her turns around to grab the remote off his bedside and turns on the tv, just to make it less awkward, then he lays in his bed, surfing the channels. “What do you wanna watch?”

dana

She smiled as she looked at him, “Thank you.” She smiled looking over at him for a moment, she heard the TV and she ran a hand through her hair as she slid the dress on and then put the shirt he gave her. She looked at him, “Sounds cheesy and cringe kind of but maybe Madagascar?”

charlie

He raises a brow. “Huh, so you got a thing for Alex the lion I see.” He chuckles and nods. “I do guess Ben Stiller could be sexy.” He smiles and he searches for the movie on Netflix. He also makes a space on the bed for her to join. “Are you gonna lay with me or what?”

dana

Dana laughed a little, “Well his voice is pretty great and I love lions.” She laughed a little as she soon noticed him make space for her and she nodded as she joined him on the bed before glancing at him for a moment.

charlie

“Are you ogling me?” He asks with a smile. “I know I’m pretty but don’t objectify me please.” He says jokingly to her. In all honesty Charlie loved the attention. He knew he was good looking and he loved getting compliments.

dana

Dana laughed a little as she ran a hand through her hair shaking her head for a moment,  “Can’t help it. Sorry.” She laughed as she shrugged for a moment.

charlie

Charlie grinned as he turned to face her. “Okay, I guess I can make an exception for you but only you.” He reaches out to push her hair back from her face and sighs. “You’re really pretty. This baby is gonna be really pretty.” He looks down between them to her belly. Her bump was already noticeable but it didn’t freak Charlie out. Inside Charlie felt excited almost. Maybe he really did want this but he was just afraid of not being good enough. “Do you think I’m gonna be a good dad?”

dana

Dana smoked and laughed a little, “I am glad that you will make an exception for me.” She smiled as she watched over at him and smiled for a moment, “Thank you. I hope the baby is pretty. They will have my prettiness and you’re good looks.” She smiled fir a moment before nodding, “ I really do think you will be a great dad, you just need to believe in yourself more.”

charlie

Charlie nods with a soft smile, his arm wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer to him. “It’s gonna be gorgeous, people will be jealous.” He chuckled softly. “You’re gonna be such a good mom. I know it.” He tells her quietly as his hand rubs her lower back.

dana

Dana smiled softly, as time went be she was getting excited to be a mom it all scared her but it was excitement fear now. She smiled, “Well you’re sweet to say that. I hope I will be a good mom.”

charlie

Charlie leans forward and kisses her forehead. “You will be.” He nods. He shifts his body slightly so that he can lay on her chest, his arms wrapped around her as he gets comfortable.

dana

Feeling his kiss on the forehead made her smile for a short moment before she saw him move. Her natural response was to stoke his hair as laid on her chest.

charlie

Charlie leans into her touch feeling better than he had in a long time. He felt comfortable and safe and he loved her fingers combing through his hair. It relaxed him and he could feel a wave a sleepiness hit him. He let out and a soft enjoyable groan.  “ ‘m sorry we didn’t have sex tonight.” He mumbles softly.

dana

Dana sat there as she continued to stroke through his hair for a moment as she looked at him as he spoke, “You don’t have to be sorry.” She smiled as she felt relaxed for once.

charlie

“Okay.” He says quietly, his eyes starting to flutter closed. He was exhausted. “You’re gonna stay the night, right?” He asked  hopefully.

dana

She laid there for a moment, “if you’ll let me stay then yes I will stay the night.” She said through a quiet yawn.

charlie

Charlie nods as a response and his grip loosens a bit as he begins to drift off to sleep. It had been quite a night but he felt like things were finally falling into place.

dana

Dana felt comfortable and relaxed and as she noticed he had fallen asleep, she slowly drifted off too.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[itsdjjones]

Now If We’re Talking Bodies

TAGGING: @notpeterxparker​ & @itsdjjones​

TIME: Feb 23rd

PLACE: Dom’s Dorm

NOTES: Dominer seeing each other the first time after an accidental sext

Parker knew she had to face Dom at some point, after all, they were friends but she had hoped that he didnt look at the picture, since she hadnt look at their messages ever since. So here she was, in his dorm, playing video games and knew that she had to ask if he did, in fact, look at the picture. However, she wasnt for sure how to bring it up, so she was playing it cool. "So." She started to say as she gotten more comfortable next to him. "How's your mom doing?"

Dom had no idea what to do when he got the picture from Parker. It wasn’t one that he was expecting at all and was very confused about it. Of course he looked at it though. It just popped up on his screen how could he not look at it. It made him feel some type of way that he had no idea what to even think about that. Now sitting in his dorm with her playing video games it was the first time they had seen each other since that accidental text. He glanced over at her at her question. “She’s good.” He nodded. “I had dinner over there a couple nights ago.”

"That's good." Parker said as she glanced over at him and back at the screen. "I have to go over there and have dinner with your parents since its been a while." She pulled her knees to her chest, swallowed a bit before she relaxed against the couch and kept her focus on the T.V.

“Yeah they would like that I’m sure. I mean they’ve always loved you. Maybe even more than me” He laughed and joked. Dom looked over at her and he nudged her with a smile. “So that text...” He said knowing that it was the elephant in the room.

Parker let out a laugh. "I know for sure your mom loves me more than she loves you." She retorted as she joke. She paused the game as she let out a sigh and could feel her cheeks warmed up. "Which, Im so sorry about and I didnt mean to send it to you and I hope you didnt see it. Let me die right now." She buried her face into her hands before she  fell away from him.

Dom laughed and he shook his head. “Parks it’s cool. Don’t even worry about it.” He paused. “And I definitely did see it.” He smirked. “You sure you didn’t sent it to me on purpose?” He asked. Dom would be lying if he said he didn’t keep the photo. “But uh...who was it supposed to go to?” He asked

Parker groan when he said he saw it and grabbed the blanket she brought and covered herself up with it. "Im sure." She said as she placed her legs in his lap. "Some guy from one of my classes."

“You’re sending those pics to just some guy?” He asked. Dom was pretty protective over Parker and he always wanted her to be happy with whoever she was with. “I didn’t know you were dating anyone.” He said softly. Dom pulled the blankets off of her. “Parks stop. Why are you so embarrassed? It’s just me. It’s not like you sent it to your dad or anything.”

"Some guy who only wants me for my body." Parker closed her eyes as she kept the blanket over her and rubbed her forehead. "Im not, we've been just, flirting a bit and that happened." She looked at him when he pulled the blanket off and sat up. "Because its not something that I usually do and having it be sent to you, kinda makes me feel like I shouldnt have done that and Im not usually a risk taker. I dont know, I dont want you to think differently about me."

Dom shook his head. “I don’t see you any differently. At least not in a bad way.” He said softly. “I mean...I didn’t even know you took pictures like that.” He swallowed thickly and rubbed the back of his neck. “I just think you’re fucking gorgeous and not everyone deserves to see that.”

Parker relaxed against the couch once more as she tried not to close herself from him. "It was my first and last time of taking those kind of pictures." She replied softly as she started to play with  her pant leg and looked over at him with an eyebrow raised, taking in his actions.  "You're saying that because you're my friend and your protective over me but are you okay?"

Dom rolled his eyes and he put his hands on her legs that were on his lap. “No I’m not. I’m saying that because it’s true.” He shrugged. Dom nodded and he looked at her. She was the only girl in his life that he never tried to be with and a lot of people were surprised at that. They practically acted like a couple anyways even when Dom was dating other people. Parker was always there.

Parker looked at him as he talked and rested her head on his shoulder. "Well, thank you." She said as she grabbed the blanket and covered them both up and let out a sigh. She heard the whispers, why havent they date? Or her favorite one, why dont you guys get together already. Parker knew that he didnt like her like that and she didnt like him like that. He was always there for her.

Dom wrapped an arm around her and he nodded. “You are welcome.” He looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. “Wanna watch a movie?” He asked as he put his controller down. He felt like relaxing more than anything with her. It was one of his favorite things to do was cuddle up on the bed with her as they watched movies.

"Yeah, I do." Parker said as she looked up at him with a small smile and kissed his cheek. "I'll even let you pick the movie." She teased as she pulled away and stood up to stretch. "Want anything while Im up?"

Dom smiled as she kissed his cheek. He pulled out his phone as she stood up. “Yeah sure there’s beer in the fridge.” he said pointing to the mini fridge in the dorm on the other side of the room. He reached for the remote to get the tv ready and put it on Netflix. He wasn’t sure what she wanted to watch put landed on a classic Goofy Movie. One of Doms favorites.

Parker nodded as she grabbed him a beer and ran her fingers through her hair. "I dont know how you get alcohol." She said as she sat down next to him and placed it in front of him, knowing that she didnt feel like drinking at the moment.

Dom grabbed the bottle from her and he smirked. “I have my ways.” He said winking at her. He took a swig and then placed it on the table next to her. He pulled her closer and tickled her side.

Parker smiled as she shook her head when he winked at her. "Of course you do." She felt him pull her close to him again and let out a laugh when he tickled her. "Dom." She said as she squirmed.

Dom laughed and he pulled her closer but stopped tickling her. “What what?” He asked. He looked down at her and was silent for a moment.

"Stop." Parker said with a smile and looked up at him as she placed her hands on his arms. "Do I have chocolate on my face?"(edited)February 24, 2018

Dom put his hand on her face. “No.” He smiled and caressed her cheek. Dom pulled away slightly and he leaned back on the bed. Putting one hand under his head he looked back at the tv as the movie played.

Parker smiled as she nodded and felt him caressed her cheek. She rolled onto her other side so she could see the tv better, while being next to Dom and watched the movie. She scooted closer to him once she turned around and rested her head on his chest.(edited)February 26, 2018

Dom looked down at her and he pulled her into his arms closer. He was content. Things were just easy with her and he didn’t know why. “Can we just stay like this all day long”

Parker nodded against him once he pulled her into his arms. "Yeah, we can." She said as she let out a breath and fixed the blanket a bit before she looked at him.February 27, 2018

Dom smiled. “You don’t have anywhere do be? You know with some guy from class?” He asked. Dom wasn’t really the jealous type but then again what did he have to be jealous about? It’s not like anything was going on with them. At least he didn’t think anything was.

Parker shook her head as she fixed the blanket and looked at him. "Not that Im aware of, why? Are you wanting me to go so you can have a little study session with some hot, cheerleader who needs help with the human body for some ridiculous test." She propped her head up with her as she teased him with a smile before she took a drink of his beer and made a face. "Yeah, thats still nasty." She placed the bottle back down.March 1, 2018

Dom laughed and he shook his head. "Oh no I think I got enough anatomy lessons from that picture you sent me" he teased her right back. Dom took the beer from her and gasp. "Rude." he smirked. "Hey that is a good pick up though. I should scope out anatomy classes" he joked.

Parker smiled as she shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Delete the picture or I'll post a throw back picture of you from high school." She teased and laughed as she pulled away from him. "Sorry, but that beer isnt that great." She shook her head once more when she looked at him. "Thats a weak pick-up line, I know a better one."

Dom frowned. "Why? I kinda liked it." he said seriously. "You're kinda hot in it and...I'm not just saying that because we are best friends. I mean it" He looked back at her and licked his lips. "Okay okay tell me a good pick up line then. See if it works on me" he smirked.

Parker opened up her mouth but closed it and let that conversation topic dropped. "I hate space, so how about we close the space between us and get closer?" She asked once she looked at him and sitting on his bed.

Dom listened to her and he nodded. "Yeah you'd definitely get me with that one" he laughed. "I'm hooked." He said mimicking a fish being reeled in on a fishing pole. He laughed and looked back at her.

Parker laughed as she watched him mimicking a fish and shook her head. "I dont know what I would do without you." She said as she looked him with a smile.

Dom smiled at her. "Probably cry" he teased. Dom sat up a bit and he reached for her hand. "It's been you and me for a really long time. Us against the world basically. I don't ever want that to change. You're my ride or die Parks." he smirked and squeezed her hand gently. "You know that right?"

"Or party." Parker shrugged a bit with a small smile. She swallowed some as she listened to her and felt him squeezed her hand. "Yeah, I know that."

Dom shook his head. "We do that anyways" he chuckled. "Good" He smiled. "I wouldn't want anything less." Dom pulled her closer and he laid back down on the bed, the two of them cuddled up together.

Parker sighed as she relaxed and tried not to think about Elijah and what he had said the other night. She swallowed thickly and tried to get lost in the movie.

Parker slid her hands into her coat as she walked up the front steps of the Jones' house, knowing its been a while since she had been at the house. She knocked as she waited for someone to open the door, wringed her hands as she thought about Elijah & changing her minors.

[sisternomister]

okay im going to vent here bc i want to

im just so sad. i was good and now im not. i felt numbness and now i am just fucking sad. i guess something is better than nothing. but fuck. im so overwhelmed and i dont do SHIT with my life. like im not doing ANYTHING productive with myself and im more stressed out than i have been in SUCH a long ass time. is it reverse seasonal affective depression? or just the regular old depression i already fucking have? I’m so fucking sad. im lonely. i have no view of my future. all i want is to be happy. i felt that if i could just be free of depression that i would gain a drive, ambition, motivation, will, to get out and do things for me. I have a weak ass personality. i have 1 and half friends now. i dont even see them once every couple of months. i last saw one last month, and before that i hadnt seen her in five fucking months. and the OTHER one I havent seen since february. i don’t see people other than my family. i dont go out bc i dont have people to hang out with, or things to go do bc of myself, and i dont have fucking money. i need a job but i am just so mentally unstable rn. maybe it might add stability. but i want a “perfect” job. which no one like me really ever gets, at least not presently. like if i want a job I KNOW i could do easily and have it be enjoyable, theres the STRONG likelihood of not meeting people i can relate to. bc i also crave people, i miss social interactions, i miss having friends and id probably have to work in fast food, restaurants, and retail in order to do that and man retail really drained me. i worked the worst hours, couldnt feel like i clicked with three coworkers and it really made me hate myself more, i couldnt get time off for exams bc we were short staffed and i just quit. i had no time and now i have all of it and im doing absolutely nothing with it. i put things in gods hands. i let him lead me through things. i have held on to hope for years and this is the first fucking year where i have lost it all. man i want to be fucking happy. i would love having friends to hang out with. i am a good friend. i would love to have a group of people who knew me more than my family. the people i have in my life now, i am grateful for. they are good. plus ihave been so fucking irritable lately and it really disappoints me. its like for no fucking reason, i have attitude. and romance? godddddd. the guy i was talking to for two weeks, i like(d) a lot but we decided it was best not to see one another since he works so much and does so much and he doesnt have time for me. you know what? did i like HIM or the things he did? idk anymore. i need to get over him. im going to delete him. i dont need to check up on him. i dont want to know. just did it. didnt really feel good but i felt a shift in my heart. something changed. something happened. anyways ill deal with that when it bothers me again. fuck man im turning 19 in less than a month having done nothing that benefits the future i would ideally have for myself. and i hate it. i know hate. i know this. why did my brain do this? why did i do this to myself? im full of hate, yet only want to love. I am so negative, but only wish to be able to get out of it. i want goodness. i am blessed, i am lucky, i am fortunate, i am loved. but i am depressed, i am lonely, i am isolated, I have no more true driving force that would help me reach any goals for my future, i have no idea of my futture. i am not who i want to be. i asked for gods help. help me please. i dont want to live like this anymore. its been so long. its killing me. I dont want to die, but wont fight it. help me please. 

[chipsanddespair]

Clinton Naik

Argh, Im so angry today.

I dont know where this anger came from, but Ive just been cranky all day. I woke up and I just felt bored, and angry because of it, and so complacent and dissatisfied. My whole life, those who are in my life, my body, my bank account, where I stay…just, e v e r y t h i n g made/makes me unhappy. I want it to be better than it is right now. I just wanted some fun activity to wake up and do this Saturday. I wanted a partner to get up with me and motivate me. I wanted a house to myself to wake up and dawdle around in whilst I still woke up. I dont want a dog but I cant let him go. I do everything I can to make sure he is well taken care of still, but at the expense of my own happiness. He is a handful. He is too active and eats anything for any reason. Hes a bulldog but looks like a pitbull, so people judge him by his breed and I can tell they look at us like we are a part of a gang or something and it really pisses me off. It hadnt even reached midday yet and the downward spiral was beginning. I dont have that much money in the bank thanks to my obsessive need to pay back things and not be in debt. Even though Ive set it aside, as in most of what I earned this payday, I still feel snowed under and I will have to use my credit card and thus in turn, pay that back in the future. Earlier I was shown a bit of attitude from Beau about sending him some money to pay back for the times hed paid on my behalf. I thought I sent enough, I cant be sure because I didnt keep track of all the times and what that added up to in the end. Just know this, I have spent well enough on behalf of him too and havent seen compensation for that - it just set me right off to notice this ungrateful trait. I gave what I had left to him. He is the one that quit his job to pursue his passions and cannot control his impulsive preference for fresh cooked food (i.e. take out). This is a personal rant that probably wont make sense. Im not writing it to make sense to anyone. Im just letting whatever needs to come out, come out. Im still pissed off. I dont feel like this relationship works anymore. I dont want to take care of anyone else except myself, maybe I should re home the dog for my well-being. I try my best with him but its just getting too much. It does not help that we live in a small place unsuitable for dogs and we make do with the space we have but its just, no backyard equals poop stops out on the roadside. Anyone reading this would probably judge me, people tend to do that, and I totally get it. I kind of walk the same line as well sometimes. But argh, I just need to complain, pettiness and all. Because Im feeling better as I do it. I had a long phone call today with my Dad. I hadnt spoken to him in ages and it was nice to catch up. I got mad though, he has a knack for not listening. Or you say something and hell say something different as if he wasnt listening. Or hell retell a story hes told a thousand times. I need to be easier on the people who retell me stuff, I just have a big ego and that ego doesnt want to be seen as stupid. Im still mad, but better. I just want to get out of here, I want to drive a thousand miles in one direction and not have to worry about anyone else or any responsibilities. I caught my reflection in the mirror, I exhaled and relaxed my stomach and it spilled out. I look like Im pregnant and my back hurts because of all this weight. Does anyone ever get caught in that pit of despair where they just cant talk. I dont want to cry for help because Im angry at every single person I think Id meet, but I most definitely need some kind of help, or something, I dont know. Conflict is the worst. I need to hold on to hope, and cut this rage in half. Sit down with it for a bit and let it tell me what it needs to. Im not mad at anyone, I truly am not. Im disappointed, maybe, that people cant read my mind, or they arent empaths so they cant understand what I feel and give me what I need. So in turn, I need myself. This is just a slump. A rough patch on the windy road to happiness. They say happiness is a choice, and okay, I choose to be happy now. I have identified my anger, I have identified my dissatisfaction with my current relationship. I have identified that what I am doing now makes me feel somewhat better. I go back and forth still, angry and okay, angry and okay. An annoying song always played on the radio echoes in my head and it only serves to irk me. Is it wrong of me to want the hurricane to come down here and devastate. If it were only me, I would be all for it. No one else would have to get hurt. Im weird like that. I feel like I have such a mundane life that anything like fire drills, floods, tremors, anything that will rip me out of everyday life, those things will liberate me and I will have something else to live for. My basic needs will be more important than my need to go to work and pay bills and expenses. That I will have to survive and experience the thrill of survival rather than crawl through this oppressive corporate world. When I had a freak out like this, mid-January some time, or February. I remember just collapsing in on myself. I couldnt speak, I couldnt feel anything good. I lay down, I wasnt even sleepy, I cried and cried and every emotion was just desolate and I couldnt get up or eat. Beau was there however he could be, but its never quite what I think I need? I appreciate what he does, in all his limited knowledge, but theres something thats missing, compared to someone who has had years in this world and lived an involved and rich life, does that make sense? I need someone, who knows what its like to suffer and have come to terms with their torment, not someone who has known anxiety all his life and not fully reflected upon it. Its not his fault though. Nothing that happens to me is anyones fault, I must remember that. I choose who is in my life, and because of how I have chosen to go about things, I have no one close to me anymore. They are overseas, and available by message but I cant bear to be askedHow are you? How are things? Because I have so little going on right now and I am just not in a mentally healthy space to hear about all the great things others are doing. Does that make me horrible? If it does, Im quite used to being horrible.

POSITIVE. Got to remain positive. Things that are getting me down is: EVERYTHING. BUT, what can I do to fix it?

I am okay for funds. I need to buy me food for the week but I can try and make that a total cost of $50. In that case, I will only have to repay the credit card $100 and that is doable for when the time comes. I will have to pay for gas soon, $60, $160. That is okay. Im taking Beaus rainy day fund for a ticket he racked up using my car and I will also use that for board and pay it back slowly because Im still mad he even dared call my contributionlittle given our circumstances. I will check out the gym tomorrow, have a look around, and when I have the funds, I shall join asap and proceed to go to group fitness classes after work. By the looks of it, the best classes start from Wednesday through to Sunday. Four days of seven is okay! Monday and Tuesday can be swims or dog walks. I need to get my Fitbit charged so I can monitor my calories burned. That being said, before even going food shopping, I need me a caloric diet plan and I will stick to that like no other. Its funny, my biggest personal growths are always from moments between Beau and I that further separate us. I dont know if thats actually good or not but personally I feel motivated to get myself sorted the more he makes me regret wanting to be associated together. That does actually sound really toxic, well see how we are by the years end. I should do a weight loss progress report after this. I need my weight and measurements, do some calculations for calories and then think about what I like eating and fit that into my caloric diet. What I learnt when I was having fun with this last year was that even though 1700 calories is pretty hard to stay at or under, if you go and burn a few 100 at the gym, youre all sorted! You can eat more, you dont feel like youre starving and you get to ride the wave of endorphins because of the exercise - win win!

I feel like theres something missing.

I could tidy the room a bit. I need to buy more tights - they are usually $6 a pair. I think I could get three. $178.

Oh my gosh. I owe a friend a banner designed on photoshop, and because I take a long time to do things, especially creative things since Im not bursting with ideas, that is low key stressing me out because I dont want to let him down. Oh wow, maybe thats why I have such salty feelings :o

I have to set aside some time to do that tomorrow.

On an consistency achievement note, I have been diligently salt water soaking my piercing that was giving me trouble and it looks like its settling down :)

I already feel better. You know what would make it even better, a nice hot shower. Oh yes, I feel way better. Oh hey, and why not stop there, Im going to make me a perfectly tempered hot cup of tea and tune in to a Netflix movie before I say goodnight to my subscription. I feel like rewarding my eyes and brain with the talents of Heath Ledger and his amazing portrayal of the Joker.

So, tonight:

caloric diet to be made

weight and measurements to be taken

tidy room a bit

shower

watch The Dark Knight after cup of tea is made

Tomorrow:

design banner for friend

scope out gym (maybe sign up if they offer something beneficial for me in my circumstance)

check out this yoga/pilates place near house

laundry! clothes, sheets and blankets

give $200 board to landlord

Next three days:

pay off $150 ticket

cancel Netflix

pay car rego $13

Letting out the bad unfiltered helps to clear way for the good. And planning how to get the good gets your mind thinking of how to be productive.

Thank you, blog <3