#but i dont really like most of them and idk how to fix that
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how will some adults go around unwarranted announcing to the world that they don't like and don't eat vegetables like are you not embarrassed by that. like I am
#i want SO badly to be a guy who loves vegetables#but i dont really like most of them and idk how to fix that#i mean like try different preparations but wow we do not have the money for fresh vegetables then making them into meals#literally nobody in this house even eats more than one meal a day#anyway. at least theres cauliflower and spinach and sometimes onions#joyousposting
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you're never going to be the most popular magical girl when your colour is orange
cassidy from sleepless domain
#i love orange#and i love creepy powers!#and i love cassidy's design the most of all the characters!!!!!!#tho i did not draw her outfit particularly accurately!!!!#sleepless domain#sd#fanart#orange and blue#tarot#tagged that bc i was vibing w two of swords for composition even tho the symbolism i dont think works very well for her#you could force an interpretation that matches but nah. thatd be boring i think. i just like the pretty#i don't know which is the biggest problem when I try to scan coloured pencil drawings...#the scanner? the driver? me and the settings i have used?#they never look right and i don't really know how to fix it in gimp either#or any other software (that i don't currently have)#ah well#might try photographing things with my camera instead#idk#and NOT my phone camera like the nona drawing#my proper camera. but it's so many extra stepppppps sigh and i should do it when the sun's out but it's 10pm#whatever. posting now#if i ever take nicer photos of my drawings maybe i will post them but in the meantime have another picture with weird saturation levels#swords suit#tarot other#two of swords#art by me
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I change how I feel about Gregory and Tony's relationship ten thousand times a day
#like i dont even think theyd get together if tony was how he was in ggy#gregory wouldnt work to fix him or something hed hate him for being mean to ellis#its why all my beckory stuff i always imagine is in a specific scenario both when theyve been through stuff#and also after like years have passed and theyre 14/15#AND most importantly tony has had the chance to become a better person and make up with ellid#i think there cant be beckory without ellis#all the stuff ive made for them save for like rabbit burrow i feel doesnt match how i see them in my head#i don't even know how i feel about gregory in a romantic relationship still#idc about it when hes 12 and doesnt have 3 star fam yet but ive alqays seen it in a beckory dtance#as it being good that gregory can think about romance now because he got what he needed most already#but atill.#hes just such a family guy#but i really do like the beckory ship#its so interesting#idk ive changed my mind a lot and havent made enough stuff of them to keep up#with how i see them nowadays#i want to fix that#also i think i feel like the beckody stuff ive made feels shallow because#if its in a scenario where a lot of stuff has happened to get them to that point#and none of that stuff is shown and you dont see them chance#they just feel like randomly completely different people#idk im trying to muster up writing that multichapter ive been wanting to write#and sovereign is pretty much abandonded only because it wasnt working out at all#and ive truly taken everything good from that fic and added it to this new concpet#that made both seperate ideas better#so its a good thing#after the week im gonna try and recharge my writing battery#since the great ipad explosion of 2024 and scrambling to finish the week kinds fried my brain#i miss writing💔#and also wanna explore this new fic concpet im absolutely in love with
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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Really struggling with trying to figure out what's me. Like what I enjoy and what ideas/traits/desires are actually my own. I think it's beautiful that people influence each other and grow together, but I'm left feeling lost right now and wondering what's actually me.
#idk ive been thinking about it a lot and really struggling#hard also to tell what's the depression and whats actually something i don't care about#i feel like i can say that playing world of warcraft was something that came from me.#but it started feeling like a chore in Dragonflight so i stopped playing.#and now everything feels tainted by other's influence and i dont know whats me anymore.#although i do need to remember that i did start playing Dragon Age on my own but it only feels like it was influenced by others because#i discovered my one irl friend used to love the games and then i got my other irl friend playing them#but i dont know how much of going into physics was my own choice or just following the path i saw before me#although i loved physics when i started doing mechanics in calculus and thought it was so cool#then i found accelerator science and detectors and nuclear physics to be so cool when i did an internship at a national lab#and then i took the most direct route to get into doing research at that lab#but things have gotten so lost and tangled up with all the horrible stuff that grad school puts you through#and the horrible stuff from this collaboration in particular#that it feels like all thats left is shame and fear and none of the wonder or curiosity#everything i do or write or whatever feels like an opportunity to 'get found out' as a fake or just fill me with shame#i thought that getting a job offer would fix me and help me get through the bullishit but the pressure is makikg things worse#and with this job im wondering if im just doing what im told and being influenced by other's suggestions and wants.#(dont go to grad school. its literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health)#vent#okay this actually kind of helped so im glad I made this post#feel free to reblog if you relate
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Keep seeing Zelda movie news reactions and like feel like my only contribution right now is I'd much prefer live action to an illumination style animated movie...
#i feel like just the littlest bit its showing their target audience isnt *little* little kids which is somethingg#and idk guess like 4 years or so is still a relatively new loz fan for me but#feel like no matter what they do theres no way to please everyone#not even the games bave been able to do that#theres so many different tones they could aim for with it and w so many different mainline games who know which theyll pull the most from#just like#ofc id rather see animation#the art brain in me goes feral about the possibilities there#but idk... its always written off by vast majority of adults as kiddy stuff and like you dont have to tell me it shouldnt be#gosh do I know#but if theyre wanting to make money and be taken seriously#even find a new audience who arent prev loz fans#im not surprised really that this would be the direction theyre working towards#at the end of the day like we already have cartoon and cdi link and even they get love sometimes on this site#its just another link#and maybe one w wasted potential but that doesnt take away from all the amazing ones we already have so ajdkfkf#forgive the million typos my gosh#too lazy to try to fix them tonight but i promise i know how to spell TT
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genuinely kinda pissed I have to give a presentation tomorrow for school and I'm going to be graded on eye contact (among other things) WHICH I CANNOT DO not only bcuz of autism but because my eyes physically. do not have the ability to focus together on a person place or thing like the muscles in my eyes are too weak. im gonna be wearing an eye bandage anyway so I'll be basically completely blind unable to see my teacher but I just hate being graded on something I quite literally have no control over. ughhh education system sucks
#it most likely won't be a problem bcuz i go to an alternative school for people with Issues And Problems who didnt graduate normal school#disabilities are to be expected#idk its just annoying. people get soo pissy about eye contact even when I have actual medical excuses for why i cant. MULTIPLE OF THEM EVEN#every interview or whatever they're like make eye contact. girl I cant#not just “its uncomfortable for me” like I can't. its like telling someone without eyes/who is completely blind to make eye contact#like that isnt something im capable of doing on a very basic level bcuz i dont have control over where my eyes are looking or for how long#sorry for Schoolposting so much today it isnt that interesting. im just frustrated w/ myself and also with the world#and my optometrist for having to wait 6+ months for a single appointment. not that its really gonna fix anything but yknow#ophthalmologist**#txt
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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legitimately what the fuck was that
#ig im dissapointed lmao#sorry most of it i just kind of expected (bram regaining his body and stopping the vampires. fyodor dying bc there isnt really anything els#you can do with him. dazai and chuuya both alive)#mostly i wish aya awakened an ability give her oneee also i want to see how they manifest#idk we'll see soon where this goes ig but 1. i really wish fukuzawa had just died alongside fukuchi and 2. that there would be some calmer#chapters more focused on political repercussions rather than more fighting but the 2 hours later thing isnt really pointing to that huh#ill have to reread this arc at some point bc fukuchis and fyodors plan got so convoluted i was barely following it#and also 1. what abt sigma do they just. leave her there#i mean surely not bc she has info on fyodor but dazai really just did not care#and 2. yeah i wish fukuzawa died but now that he didnt. does he???? just keep the one order#and wheres that fucking page#and whats exactly on it#bc i dont think they can just rewrite anything 1. they dont know how much space is on it and theyll need a lot to fix this mess#2. god knows if they even can do anything or if theres some condition written in already thatd stop them#also asagiri for the love of god get into anticapitalism bc you cant just go into criticing states and military without talking about it#and i still need the hunting dogs dead even if i know its likely not going to happen#but how are you going to go all “absolute power corrupts” and “omg fukuci dont create a military state” and then just leave the super cops#running around and getting redeemed bc “they mean well” yeah they do but it doesnt matter#they are complicit in the state violence THEY ARE state violence#asagiri pls i can show you theory you havent even dreamed of#txt.
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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute
#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys#i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my#head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it#may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it#dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt#equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there#like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he#doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be#like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in#ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get#herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you#like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his#actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior#idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be#i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around#blah#sui sq
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#officially we wont know how things will shake down until next week#but unofficially?? i think i already know. i cant explain how but. i think i know already which direction its gonna go#and its not like i havent been preparing for this for years but . man.#i genuinely dont know how im gonna do this guys. im being so fr.#im just starting to get my feet back under me from losing my friend like that and now im gonna get bowled over again#and its gonna be so much worse. and i dont know how im gonna get a job or fix my fucked gpa or even finish out the semester#im going home in a few weeks and my siblings and i are gonna put pink in our hair for october#and ofc by the time we do that we'll know. one way or another. and thatll be that.#nothing i can do about it. nothing i can do to stop it or make it better.#my brothers are still so fucking young man. my youngest brother doesnt even remember a time when it wasnt like this.#he's only ever known this version of her thats sick and exhausted and hollowed out like she isnt even there most of the time#and man. idk.#really i am so close to snapping and dropping out of school and this might just be what finally breaks the thread. i am being so fr.#winter speaks#personal#and theres so many projects that i want to do but i Know that i wont be able to do any of them for a while once it hits#and just. hhh. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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does anyone know when life is supposed to calm down. does anyone know when it all ends
#im so exhausted.#ive got a fucking annoying headache and i had a nightmare earlier and im just having a bad day#and now im literally dealing with bpd^2 rn like.#my ex is having a really hard time because her moms health is declining and shes being put in a really hard position#and shes horribly stressed out but she feels guilty about feeling like her life is falling apart bc her mom obviously has it worse#and i know what thats like and i know its just going to be hell for her now and i cant fix that#and i just like. god if i could take all of her pain i would#she doesnt deserve the horrible fucking set of cards she was dealt#my nightmare was actually originally that i went to the hospital with her to see her mother#it did not end remotely related to that but it just. yeah not great#also struggling bc i dont know how to handle people i like (separately than her) being in relationships or liking other people#it is so. so fucking. i dont even know its like physically painful and when i see them talk about it it like ruins my whole day and#its so hard to handle these mood swings and like. Have A Life#its why i got off tumblr like i just cant. i cant have all these feelings and still be okay most of the time#it feels like im trying to stay afloat but every day the ball and chain on my ankle gets exponentially heavier#idk. i just like. cant regulate my emotions. whatsoever. clearly#jace.txt
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idk if people on tumblr know about this but a cybersecurity software called crowdstrike just did what is probably the single biggest fuck up in any sector in the past 10 years. it's monumentally bad. literally the most horror-inducing nightmare scenario for a tech company.
some info, crowdstrike is essentially an antivirus software for enterprises. which means normal laypeople cant really get it, they're for businesses and organisations and important stuff.
so, on a friday evening (it of course wasnt friday everywhere but it was friday evening in oceania which is where it first started causing damage due to europe and na being asleep), crowdstrike pushed out an update to their windows users that caused a bug.
before i get into what the bug is, know that friday evening is the worst possible time to do this because people are going home. the weekend is starting. offices dont have people in them. this is just one of many perfectly placed failures in the rube goldburg machine of crowdstrike. there's a reason friday is called 'dont push to live friday' or more to the point 'dont fuck it up friday'
so, at 3pm at friday, an update comes rolling into crowdstrike users which is automatically implemented. this update immediately causes the computer to blue screen of death. very very bad. but it's not simply a 'you need to restart' crash, because the computer then gets stuck into a boot loop.
this is the worst possible thing because, in a boot loop state, a computer is never really able to get to a point where it can do anything. like download a fix. so there is nothing crowdstrike can do to remedy this death update anymore. it is now left to the end users.
it was pretty quickly identified what the problem was. you had to boot it in safe mode, and a very small file needed to be deleted. or you could just rename crowdstrike to something else so windows never attempts to use it.
it's a fairly easy fix in the grand scheme of things, but the issue is that it is effecting enterprises. which can have a looooot of computers. in many different locations. so an IT person would need to manually fix hundreds of computers, sometimes in whole other cities and perhaps even other countries if theyre big enough.
another fuck up crowdstrike did was they did not stagger the update, so they could catch any mistakes before they wrecked havoc. (and also how how HOW do you not catch this before deploying it. this isn't a code oopsie this is a complete failure of quality ensurance that probably permeates the whole company to not realise their update was an instant kill). they rolled it out to everyone of their clients in the world at the same time.
and this seems pretty hilarious on the surface. i was havin a good chuckle as eftpos went down in the store i was working at, chaos was definitely ensuring lmao. im in aus, and banking was literally down nationwide.
but then you start hearing about the entire country's planes being grounded because the airport's computers are bricked. and hospitals having no computers anymore. emergency call centres crashing. and you realised that, wow. crowdstrike just killed people probably. this is literally the worst thing possible for a company like this to do.
crowdstrike was kinda on the come up too, they were starting to become a big name in the tech world as a new face. but that has definitely vanished now. to fuck up at this many places, is almost extremely impressive. its hard to even think of a comparable fuckup.
a friday evening simultaneous rollout boot loop is a phrase that haunts IT people in their darkest hours. it's the monster that drags people down into the swamp. it's the big bag in the horror movie. it's the end of the road. and for crowdstrike, that reaper of souls just knocked on their doorstep.
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ok sry last one. sry
#its like i know im unwell but when i go to talk to ppl abt it i just cant#it never phrases right i never actually am able to articulate how I feel because i dont really know i guess. and it feels like the words i#use r judt sort of. borrowed? i dont say things how i feel bc i dont know how i feel i say like. i say things how i think a person would say#them. and sometimes its nott acurate but i dont have anything in my toolbox thats closer#does that make sense. snd i also like. ontop of base communication issue#i dont like being honest. thats not rly it. i want to be homest bc i want help#but when i talk to a therapist im bad at telling the full like. how do explain#im bad at being like..how i actually am bc i edit mysel#and sometimes i edit tooheabily an i leave out entire bits of like. tje context i guess#which is bad im supposed to give full context but it makes me feel ill to not tell ppl what they want to hear#and obviously a therapist doesnt Want to hear anything theyre judtdoing their job#but i cant r fullt honest snd the idsue is ill focus too much on one aspect eith the therapist#snd then they think thats the only thing and then i bring in a nother thing and they like. ots too much theres not enough time to talk abt#everything bc i ramble#i dont know. i eish i knew how to properly seek help#i need to get a pcp too. i need it for the blood marrow thing they said i need apcp bc of the fainting thing#its judt bsd luck. i just happene to hsve a fainting spell a couple days b4 the call#it doesnt rly mstter. i dont faint often its like every 2 months maybr. and its always my fault#i dont know what it was last time i think i was just overstimulated and maybe hungry#and that time at work was um. hunger anyways#and most times b4 that it was hot showers or baths or blood or whatever. it doesnt matter#and of it is a deepseated issue and ill die from it..idk. i dont want 2 get it checked out bc then ill habe to.pay.to.get it fixed#and i dont hsve a job which means my family will have to apy to get it fied and who cares#its probably just a blood pressure things and the doctors would just. idk. not getting into it#i just dont think it matters i guess. if i die i die and then its not my fault yk NFNFJG#and i wont die its judt lightheadedness and somrtimes fainting. and i can get on the ground usually
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venting in the tags yippeee
#damien.txt#gender talk time 🤪✌️#....................................................................................#screaming crying throwing up rolling around on the ground <- said completely deadpan#uhm. as always. thinking abt gender. and questioning. my whole life. bc. i cant stop doing that#soooooo like. my big thing. abt gender. is as much as im like. he/they-ing it here and irl. its kind of... complicated?#as ive gone on ive realized more and more that i dont. really. feeling Anything towards those pronouns#neither do i she/her. or they/them.#and just generally the whole Concepts of male/female? so like. im always like hmm. whats happening here#and other completely incoherent statements djbdhdbf sorrry anyways#i keep having these moments where im like. hmm. maybe. im leaning too hard into the masc. maybe i am not. he at all.#but ive like. really full committed to the bit yknow? like esp irl. all the ppl ive introduced myself to in the last 2 years have known me#as 'he'. and as someone who wears mostly masc clothing and generally attempts to present masc#and like. i bought a skirt a while ago and i was trying it on today and i was like oh. wait.#and before u @ me i KNOW!! clothing does not equal gender!! but there was just something abt it#and recently (the past like. year lmao) ive really been contemplating like. what i actually want out of transitioning or whatever#bc like. increasingly its become more obvious how... fucking difficult that is.#and the more i think abt it the more im like. bro its not even worth it for me? tbh? also like. sometimes i look in the mirror and am like#hmm. this does not feel better than it did when i hadnt transitioned at all. yknow?#like the last 10+ years ive been existing in this state w my body where im basically just. tolerating it. ignoring it. even.#and that hasn't... changed. after t. and ik thats not like the fix-all but its got me wondering if some of it/a lot of it#is just body dysmorphia? rather than dysphoria? bc like. god knows i have that too.#and just. idk. i feel Really Really anti-gender most of the time. would in fact. not like to be conceived of at all.#but on some level im trying to think abt it practically bc if that ^ is my thoughts on gender fr. i have to decide whats worth it#and like. i miss cool clothes. god men's clothing is so fucking boring. holy fuck.#and AGAIN i KNOW gender doesnt equal clothes but also like. i am Aware to the wider world it still works like that#and truly if i rocked up to work/class in a skirt everyone would be like What The Fuck#and i kind of want to!! but im also scared of that reaction lol#AHHHH why must gender be so complicated. i want to lay on the floor#lol there was literally more but i ran out of tags LMAOO sorry everyone. gender complicated. peace ✌️
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