#but i dont feel like being angry today im tired of being angry i need to just be sad rn

[binders-and-beanies]

Required to file for unemployment in order to stay insured. Have to file within a specific 7 day period that starts today. Only 1 day off within that time frame (today) and it’s a sunday. Can’t access the application bc of my usual identity verification issues and can’t get help accessing it bc the office is closed. Don’t even know if I have to actually Qualify for unemployment in order to have insurance or just prove that I filed, don’t know what happens if I get a new job or what time frame it would have to be in etc. Can’t ask those questions either bc again it is sunday. Tried asking when I learned I’d be losing my job but was told I have to wait until my job officially closed (2 days ago). So what’s the point of being told in advance if u don’t get to do anything abt it until u have to scramble during a short time frame anyway. The irony of not having time to deal w this bc I do in fact have another job, for one more week. Just beyond the time frame in which I’d be able to file. Killing killing killing

[wormmpile]

Analyzing my childhood for signs that I was OCD the way ppl analyze for signs they were queer....... like perhaps there was something a little odd about me inspecting all fruit for evidence of worms/bugs or the fact that I used to cry and freak out because I thought there might be slugs in my ramen that snuck in there when I wasn't looking

[audiovisualrecall]

I'm sorry I don't get why it matters if my team dusts the tops of the platforms the orchids sit on when no one can see the tops of the platforms unless they're stupidly tall, and especially when the stupid floor polishers and general maintenance literally push dust and dirt and debris down from the Cafe area onto those platforms every single day. 'It should be easy to do' okay then, you do it then. I said 'we're trying' because it is impossible to keep up with bc if we haven't done that day's dusting yet when store leadership get step stools and peer at the platform tops to see if we've cleaned they obvs will look dirty, and bc ive either been out sick, doing inventory, or HELPING YOUR DEPARTMENT for the past 2 weeks. Sorry yeah I have '3 full time tms' in floral but even when all 3 of us are here u don't LET ME HAVE ALL 3 OF US! And if a day is me and one tm, and I'm sick/unable to come in,then it's just the one tm doing everything, or if they call out and it's just me, etc - how is one person supposed to do EVERYTHING and Not go overtime or take their break late??? Ffs. And again, recently I've been in produce more often than floral. Yeah 'helping' ok but if I said we couldn't bc we have to dust the p.o.p areas u'd be annoyed to say the least..........

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Im not really sure if I am or not so I'm going here.

WIBTA for forcing someone to give me closure?

Hi, I (22NB) have a crush on a guy I'll call C (21M). I've had feelings for him for a very long time even though we don't know each other that well. I was tired of not knowing him and only seeing him every once in a while, so on his birthday (the only day I was sure I could see him).

I told him I liked him, but I didn't know him well, so I was interested in getting to know him better over time. I also understood that we were both busy with college and work, so we might not spend a lot of time together this semester.

He reacted vaguely receptive to my confession. He was nice about it and told me he also wanted to get to know me better.

A few months later and the ambiguity is killing me. He never said he returned or didn't return these feelings, and I don't really understand hints or implied language unless they're obvious. I know I should move on at this point, but I'm stubborn, and the nature of the ambiguity leads me to believe that there might be something more in the future.

What I really need is a direct yes or no, but I'm afraid it'll ruin our friendship. And I'm afraid to let go of our friendship but I really can't ignore these anxious what if's.

The breaking point for me is that today we hung out with his friends, and they started talking about relationships, and he said he'd like to find someone one day. I didn't make eye contact and became quieter afterward. I really dont know what to think, and all I did was feel angry and depressed.

Later, I told him I wanted to talk privately at a later date, but we have not had this talk yet because I don't know what to say and I feel stupid for wanting to say it.

I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings and just wanted to keep being friends by not telling me directly what he felt.

I feel like I'm being an asshole because I am forcing my mental well-being on him for closure and potentially throwing away our friendship because of some feelings I can't tamper down or ignore.

I feel like I'm being a weird, desperate incel but I also feel like he's trying to avoid a conversation with me. He never talks to me first, and even though he is nice to me and kind, I just feel like I don't matter to him at all.

Would I be the asshole for forcing this from him? I feel like the only person who'd really benefit is me. If I am rejected, I can accept that, and if I am not, then I can feel a little more secure with where I stand with him.

If he rejects me, he might lose me as a friend (because I will want time away from him to process it). I can't forsee him returning my feelings because if he wanted to be with me, we would have already been working our to that together by now. Am I just impatient? WIBTA for doing this?

What are these acronyms?

[1ntercosmos]

WARM EMBRACE — VANITAS X NOÉ

a/n: my first fic (woop woop) hope you all enjoy. i'm working on making my fics more detailed but here it is!

wc: 602

the window crept open as vanitas swiftly pulled himself through and made his way inside the room. he closed it behind him and drew his curtains closed. a content sigh left his mouth as his shoulders fell slack. today’s mission was particularly labor intensive, his body was tired and sore from the strenuous activities he had to endure. 

he slipped off his outer coat and let it fall slack against the floor, along with all his other extra garments. he’d tidy it up in the morning. not long after he took his shirt off, his vision was blocked briefly. a squeal left his mouth as he whipped around trying to figure out what happened. standing behind him was the vampire he swore on his life he couldn’t stand. noé gave him a warm smile.

“hey vanitas, you’re back earlier than usual?” he stated softly as he fixed the pajama shirt he slid over the human’s head, smoothing out the fabric.

still startled, vanitas swatted noé’s hands off of him, like an angry cat, “i- why are you back so early?”

“domi and i cut our meeting short because she had some business to attend to,”

the angel sighed again as his whole body now went slack. they both knew he wasn’t really. he was just so utterly frustrated from today’s mission and it was blatantly evident in his features. noé’s never seen anyone get so tense. a faint smile snuck onto the vampire’s face and he embraced the other gently in his arms.

“come, let’s lay down. you look like you need to calm down and destress.” noé grabbed vanitas’ by his wrist and led him to his bed, and didn’t argue at all. he slowly wrapped his arms around noé’s neck and laid his head on his shoulder.

the vampire sat down and leaned back a bit with vanitas still in his lap. usually at this point, he would’ve crawled to his own spot on the bed, but he just sank deeper into noé. he smiled to himself as vanitas mumbled,

“‘dont feel like moving right now…and you’re really warm..”

“that’s fine, you can lay here for as long as you need..” noé cooed

the older snaked his hands under vanitas’ pajama shirt, further spreading his warmth through his body. he pulled his impossibly closer as he slowly stroked his back & under his shoulder blades, applying pressure occasionally. vibrations spread through noé as vanitas softly hummed into his neck, visibly relaxing under the other’s touches. the massages slowly transitioned into slow, soothing back rubs. a mumbled ‘thank you’ left the younger’s lips in that pillowy voice that noé didn’t hear all that often. he responded by patting his back.

it was almost an hour later when noé figured the latter would want to lay in his bed by himself, and started getting up.

“okay, im gonna get up now so you can rest, okay?”

he awaited a response but the room was deafeningly silent, except for the hushed breathing of the man on him. he was curled into his lap, a look of relaxation painting his face that was only brought out when he slept, which he didn’t do often. noé didn’t have it in his heart to wake him up. the thought of having to see him rub his eyes and sit up after being woken up made him want to cry. he hoped deep down vanitas wouldn’t mind if noé stayed in the bed with him, considering he was knocked out cold on his lap. he carefully slid down onto the bed and pulled the covers over them both.

[c0rpseductor]

have to explode about this somewhere or i simply will not make it

i am so fucking mad at my mom. i realize in isolation everything happening recently is totally innocuous and normal, it's just like. in context that it hurts.

i hate that she's sick with Probably Covid and asking me for a bunch of extra favors. i had to wash her a cup for water because she didn't feel good the other day, yesterday i had to do her laundry, today i had to cook for her. if this were like, between anybody else it would be fine. it's just like. agh

i feel so angry that she wants me to take care of her and i've ALWAYS taken care of her and i always feel like she just does not give a fuck about my most basic needs beyond "well, lestat's not dead!". it makes me feel ungrateful because i know she does nice stuff for me sometimes too, it's just like, it hurts when i always hide when i'm upset and barely ask her for anything even when i'm in such bad physical pain that i can't function. like most of the time if i'm too unwell to make something to eat i just go without food. i don't like asking her for things and i always feel like there's a limit to how often i can ask for her help, and that i have to be careful to mostly be a kind of pleasant background decoration that never imposes on her.

i always had to be her mom, ever since i was a kid. even when i was little she wasn't consistent and would berate me or get angry with me for just, like, being a kid and wanting or needing stuff. meanwhile i've always been like her little stuffed animal to talk to when she's sad. she always acted like she loves me so much and we're so close but mostly like i'm a possession of hers. i just like. i dont know. im so hung up on when she was drinking and high on coke and she said to me like, "oh id much rather just have a roommates relationship with you instead of being like mother and son." explains much about like, my Entire fucking childhood!

and then she takes credit for how i've turned out as if she raised me, like, i feel like not only did i raise myself but i'm raising her half the time trying to explain basic things about emotional regulation and hereditary mental issues and shit, being the first person she comes to for everything, always having to calm her down or support her when she's venting when i KNOW i can't rely on her in the same way or tell her any of the really challenging issues i have, like just. it's not fair. it's so tiring. materially i am very grateful that she is willing to let me stay with her and that she understands i'm disabled and can't work right now and tries to still help me live a comfortable life (and, cynically, i feel that she's kind of okay with me being in this kind of bad position as long as i don't leave), i know i'm lucky to have food and shelter and things like that.

i just like. man i don't know. i feel like i've been holding this back for days because i just fucking feel like it's so unfair that whenever mom feels bad i'm Favors Boy and i can be expected to do anything for her that she wants, but when i feel bad it's like, locking myself in the bathroom trying to cry quietly enough that she won't notice to clean off blood after cutting, or holing up in my room with a migraine and having to drag myself out of bed to use my Very Little Energy to make myself coffee or get water and then not being able to eat because im too tired to make myself anything substantial and god forbid i ask her, and then after i have my bad episode she's like Hey so i know you have a bad leg and stairs make it worse but i dont like taking out the trash so can that still be your job. it's not like the front steps are even THAT bad it's just like, ok, im so glad you thought about my limp. of course she wouldnt though it's literally her fault my leg is so fucked up and when i went to the hospital for it way back when and it didn't turn out to be a broken bone she was all like haha i told you so! and then laughed at me when i tripped and fell on my crutches coming home. she just does not give a fuck. but ohhhh lestat would you mind feeding me like a baby bird.....your poor old mother is so sick and feeble.....

[mxnkeydo]

feel free to scroll past this bc its sort of long but i need to get some things out

so my parents just. like. they're so annoying. im not allowed to be on my phone, EVER, and when i get two minutes to pick it up they're like NO YOUVE BEEN ON IT TOO MUCH like i literally only used it for five minutes today??

i cant talk back, EVEN when they've got the entire story wrong and when i do tell them theyre like your fault, should've told us sooner. they scold me for the simplest of things, like accidentally spilling water. like, if my dad spills water my mom doesnt say anything but when i do she lectures me on being careless?? i know my dad has more "power" than me but we're both human beings and we both make mistakes, do we not?

the other day when i was going to bed, my mom made me clean my room from 9:30 to like 10 because "one book in my shelf was out of place" and "your clock is not facing the right way" and then she proceeded to dump all my clothes on the ground and make me fold them again, THEN criticized me when one fold was off, and then she got mad when i got upset because of that

and when they tell me to "not care about how other people think of me", i get it. they're tryna look out for me. but that's the thing, I CANT NOT CARE. my mom was a teenager too once, i dont know why she cant understand. i have to be athletic, good at school, the PERFECT daughter and student, but i can't be a try-hard or a teacher's pet. they get mad when i eat too much and they get mad when i eat too less. i honestly don't know what they want from me

i cant wake up at 5:30 for school and take an hour to get ready and i cant get up at 7 and take thirty minutes to get ready because "one hour is way too long to get ready" and "thirty minutes is not enough time to get ready", i cant leave without eating breakfast and yk what's for breakfats every morning in my house? grated carrots and cucumber hunks in yogurt, every single day without fail, because its "good for my skin" and then they get mad at me for wanting something else because im "selfish" and "greedy" for having cravings.

after my basketball games my dad gives me advice. thats fine. but then he sounds like he's angry with me and im too scared to tell him to sound a little gentler. i drove to my basketball game today with my friend's mom and her mom was so gentle with her advice i was like. damn. so that's how its done with other families. and when my dad gives me advice my mom starts jumping in with absurd comments even when she knows nothing about the game? and she's like, "if youre not doing well drop out why waste our money" like canot i enjoy something i do without being good at it??

man. im just tired. and exhausted. and annoyed. any chance im offered to get out of my house i take it. urgh.

[hesitatingspirit]

I. Boy v. World

it feels like the world is against me sometimes.

and i dont know how to make it clear that i just want to be left alone. say hi my name is adam nice to meet you please dont hurt me im just a boy please i just want to be treated like one of you. you dont have to even talk to me but if you refer to me just maybe say he but if not its okay & i’m still too aggressive. say nothing at all and i’m just too difficult to even bother with at all. loser from the start, this is an eternal summer and you’re god’s least favourite cold-blooded experiment. strap in and enjoy the ride: you’ll be here for a long time.

If I am offended by someone calling me a woman, I am too much. I am one of those trannies that makes everything about them, the spitting image of the blue-haired, big-mouthed, angry-faced caricatures of trans individuals created by the right. If I am not offended, I am making a bad name for my fellow trans siblings by not standing up for myself when people misidentify me. I am normalising the idea that people are allowed to “mess up” on purpose, label me as whatever they want. I can never win: The only way would be to never get misgendered again. To not even have it be a possibility…

But we all know that this can never happen.

No matter what I do, I am always wrong,

because what did I expect when I chose to do this?

I mean,

Everyone knows how the world feels about people like me.

What DID I expect?

Would it have been easier for me to just stay a girl?

Easier for which one of us?

The world is run by spiders weaving complex webs of lies and careful misinformation, all vague enough to seem true to those who only catch the news in passing and parrot it at work, conversing at the water coolers. But being wrong is a disease, and baby, it's contagious: Mask up and shut your mouth and maybe even your ears too.

They are just trying to provoke me. They want to make me step out of line, so when I finally say “hey im a bit uncomfortable” They can finally say

I knew there was something about him!

He is one of those, he lied!

He DOES make his identity his whole personality!

No. It seems that my identity has become YOUR personality,

because my gender defines everyone but me:

The way people react to my face usually tells me all I need to know.

I can recognise a cold gaze from around the corner,

through a brick wall and from a mile away

I'm a psychic, honey, and I'm never gonna change,

so dont shoot the Messenger, okay?

and it goes like this it goes

boy with mustache makes a face when stranger calls him a girl

boy with mustache apologises for the trouble in case stranger noticed

stranger scoffs i dont see why it's such a big deal you can't expect everyone to understand

boy says i know and i’m sorry

boy goes home and forgets what he looks like.

It kinda goes like this:

different place wake up with a different face who am i today well everyone sees different things

but you know me i ride my own wave, this is My summer soundtrack

i am a skateboarder i am a stoner i am a rockstar

i am a bleach blond baby boy abandoned by god and i will never die again

mask after mask name after name

another ring around my eyes after another night awake

bags full of sleep deprived weekends staying busy with a racing head

lids heavy with the memories of endless nights

it’ll weigh me down ‘til i’m lowered into my early grave

and all the brick roads and sunsets up in my favourite singer’s hometown will never hit me the same

ghosts see the world differently,

ever so slightly colourblind

translucent lids half-covering eyes that have grown so tired from all they’ve seen

an eternity an observer

an eternity more to go

the people who care what you look like or hate what you listen to aren't really people that should be in your life anyway. so i don't care too much when they cut me off.

i don't care at all,

i just find it so insane that somehow i'm hurting people by being alive. by breathing.

if i enjoyed the shapes of the words she and her in your mouth if i enjoyed the twang of their sound waves if i could love the way the words hit my eardrums then my existence would be pure, a gift from god and i would be a miracle

but because i stand up for myself

because i have committed the crime of wanting to be happy

i am irredeemably evil

forever unclean,

stain on society and a file best left unopened.

top secret, confidential. don't ask, don't tell, but tell them what you don't know, tell them what you want to think. don't ask, don't tell, but they’ll always ask, and you’ll always tell.

“we don’t talk about her anymore.”

“she went crazy.”

“i heard it was drugs that did it.”

“i heard it was schizophrenia.”

“i think she was into witchcraft.”

god forbid a boy want to be loved: god forbid i avenge my death.

porcelain is so easily cracked,

you don't think i have a right to self defense?

i have to crawl out of my grave because this city is all i know. and this place can get so damn cold.

my rebirth will be slow. it will be terrible. and it is commencing.

[christianbaleismyworld]

Hi guys this is my first post so it may not be perfect but enjoy

Ship:Patrick Bateman x fem!reader

Warnings(murder,swearing,violence,patrick being nice😱)

If your a minor dont read for your own good!!!

BREAK

You were getting ready for a nice warm bubblebath,you had a hard day at work.you were in a bathrobe looking trough the mirror looking in to the abyss,finally you got out of your thoughts that you could go to the bath.you lie down,you felt a wave of relaxiationg go down your body suddenly you heard the phone ring,you couldnt just get out of the bath to answer a phone call so you just staid in bath for 30min.when you got out of the bath you went to your closet and chose a pretty and a warm pyjama (it was winter)than the phone rang again,you went to pick it up and you said “who is this?”a angry voice yelled “why havent you picked up the fucking phone you bitch!?!?”it was your toxic boyfriend,you explained why “anyway i want to break up with you i found someone better than you,so no need to bother me again you annoying brat”he said,you broke down in tears on the floor bc you really loved him even tho he was toxic but now it was all over.after having a breakdown you went to the fridge to get some icecream,after getting it you went to the living room to sit on your soft couch to watch your favourite movie.after the movie you went to bed hugging your pillow because it made you comfortable and feel safe

TIMESKIP TO WORK

At work you got so many piles of papers and they had to be done till tomorrow,you were so tired that you almost started sleeping but gladly your co-worker came in “Hey y/n there is someone that would like to meet you,can i let him in?”she said.”ofcourse i am not busy right now”(ofcourse you were lying)She letted a tall handsome man in “hello you must be Y/n L/n,im Patrick Bateman nice to meet you”he said in a gentle but a very low voice “Yes!Nice to meet you too Mr.Bateman”you said a bit flustered.”So i have some business things i would like to discuss”he said “Sure go ahead”you said quickly “Well there has been some problems in our orders that we have ordered from here,is everything okay in here?”He asks a bit worried and annoyed “Omg!im so sorry,i havent paid any attention on my workers,i apologize this wont happen anymore”You said embarassed.After 15mins of talking “Hey y/n would you like to join me and my friends to a club to night?”patrick asked “Oh sure i would like that”you answered a bit slowly “nice ill meet you there,oh and here is my business card!”He gave you his business card from his pocket “Thank you!”you answered to him

TIMESKIP TO NIGHT

You were applying your make-up on and doing your hair,after that you go to your closet to find the perfect dress for you.You found the perfect dress that was black and had diamonds on it and it wasnt too long or too short.Your cab finally dropped you to the club it was very big and you could hear loud music come out,so you went in and tried to find patrick and his friends,they were in a corner drinking alcholol like real business men after a long day at work.”you gasped and saw your exboyfriend in there with them,you got scared and almost got a panick attack until a nice man asked you if you were okay “Lady are you okay!?”He asked worried “i dont know i think i need to sit down…”you said feeling dizzy,patrick saw you across the room and came over to you and the man “y/n are you okay?”patrick asked with a annoyed and an angry voice “im fine…”(you lied again)”you can go now”Patrick shoed the man away and patrick took you with him to the corner,your heart started bounding harder and harder the closer you got to your ex.You sat next to patrick and your ex asked patrick why you where there angrily “shes my goodfriend,shes our guest today”patrick said.after a while a gorgeus man sat next to you,everyone greeted him saying “Hey Paul you finally got here”.He greeted them back and looked at you and said “oh hello miss,im paul allen”, “oh hi im Y/n L/n nice to meet you paul!”you said quick,He shouted to everyone on the table “Im serving!”and everyone started shouting,after everyone had 3rounds it was time to go home,you and Paul were totally drunk because you weren’t the best with alcohol,neither was Paul.Patrick said he’d take Paul home and he at least called a cab for you.Next day you came back from grocery shopping,when you were about to open your apartment door you saw Patrick across the hallway with a massive garbage bag “Patrick you had garbage day or something?”you asked “oh yeah,i did”he said.after you got home you took your jacket off and went to the kitchen to unpack your groceries,after a while you got a knock from the door you stood up and went to open the door,it was Patrick he looked you like some predator you were a bit scared what was about to happen, “Y/n,i’m in love with you,your gorgeous,beautiful,stunning you are like a treasure to a pirate”he said gently,you were in a shock after what you just heard “Patrick,i love you too”you smiled at him.he kissed you from happiness witch you never thought he would do because he was Patrick Bateman,obviously.After that you made food(meat soup)”mhmm…. im still suprised that he just confessed to me”you were thinking by yourself

part 2 coming soon

im tired so yall have to wait for a part 2

[mejomonster]

My gastroparesis driving me up a wall. And by that i mean ive been barely eating for over a week now and my symptoms still arent improving and im really not havin a great time im exhausted my bodys in pain trying to get me to Rest but i gotta work full time and my abdomen absolutely hurts but painkillers slow digestion even More so ive been laying down on heatpad as much as possible and i really dont wanna go back to an All Liquid diet (but even if i did im at the nausea and vomiting point of a gastroparesis flare which means even liquid only im likely to throw up either way) and like. I just wanna comfort eat bread cause i feel miserable exhausted in pain and it would be a small joy. But bread is absolutely not something i can eat during a flare. I can only eat it when doing good if i take benedryl. Im so angry and tired and id like to sleep for days. And i gotta still Make myself eat chips and protein shakes even tho i got nausea cause my gi meds dont work unless i eat Something. Even if i got nausea and tons of pain wooh

Anyway im getting flack from family for being so tired the last week and i love em and all but its awful feeling guilty for not calling Enough when its like goddamn eating (something humans gotta do at least once a day) hurts phenomenally and i barely can but i obviously desire to like any human then i eat and Ouch my body didnt fucking like that and punished me for it and im so mad. I feel awful and yeah im mad i dont got energy to hide how much pain im in and chat false enthusiastically for 20 minutes after already doing it all thru work. I had 1 teaspoon of peanut butter today and my remaining options are soup broth (but it had beans cooked in it and my body cant take fiber today so idk if its worth the risk of any accidental beans) and salad (which is of course raw vegetables fiber very hard on stomach rn so i can probably just eat a handful size portion and hopefully ill chew enough its mush and my body will tolerate it). And a protein shake (but its got fiber and is made of chickpeas i think for the protein so idk if my body is tolerating it or not im just drinking it so i dont have no calories). I had chips yesterday but i think my body considered it too solid or large to digest idk cause im eveb worse today. I also had toast yesterday cause i was so angry and hungry and wanted comfort food. So of course that messed me up. Which means i should take more benedryl. But then i wont just be hungry and pain tired, ill also be drug tired. And im so sick of being miserablr all day at work just to pass out the second its over cause allergy meds knocked me out then ive lost all day. But without allergy meds i can eat hardly anything i like. I mean i cant eat rn but like. Right before this fuckjng flare and hopefully once its over. Im just sick of it. Im tired and when i go to therapy next week shell probs ask oh what do you do to stress relief and its like... i get it but are u fucking kidding me. Im knocked unconcious from benedryl. And tired anyway cayse no food, and pain nonstop from gi tract. So im barely doing anything. I cant really get outta bed cause i need the 4 sq feet heatpad or ill be in agony over my abdomen. Dont have tv in room so i can use phone i guess. So tired i can barely keep eyes open or think so im not writing reading or watching shows on phone. I can idk listen to a reaction or lets play since if i fall asleep and wake up i dont need to follow a plot. But like im not in a state to be going for a fucking walk (i wish! I wanna dance and walk but my abdomen and back feel awful and im so tired im dizzy when i stand) or hang out w friend, which im sure idk shed prefer to hear some productive ass activity like god im just trying to keep myself employed and out of the ER until the flare rights itself. Please

And i know jts not that bad. Ive been worse. I couldnt eat solid food for 6 months once. I was in the ER weekly it was so bad i blocked most of it outta memory. This is only a couple weeks. And i havent thrown up much! I was throwing up 5 times daily back then. And i have had chips and peanut butter! I recognizr thats nice, i got some solid food and held it down! I know my gastroparesis is EONS LESS severe than it was when it started.

Its just like. It still sucks barely eating for weeks and any eating hurting immensely and nonstop nausea for days and pain not lowering. Like a normal healthy person might snap from anger if they try to go 20 hours without eating, or crash and need to eat to keep going, or just be run down as fuck and justifiable if they barely do anything that day. But i go days like that and im expected to just appear fine and live life normally like im not worn down af and just desperate to not feel nausea and pain and i just really wanna eat again. Normally.

[artemisbarnowl]

When you're not staying up past your bedtime tell us your thoughts about checking up on people via social media!

Thank you for indulging me this long weekend why would you do this

Warning I'm gonna be pathetic because i am still grieving a nine year relationship and grieving, especially in this context, feels so UNDIGNIFIED. Also its my grieving thoughts about the socials thing not like well srticulated thoughts about the socials with some grieving mixed in. I just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out.

1. Like, ultimately don't. Its not helpful at all i think. Unless if literally is just idle curiosity about what happened to someone in your class from ten years ago and you actually dont care what you find.

2. I am experiencing the urge to check up on my ex CONSTANTLY. (They do not really use social media this doesnt amount to much btw). I understand why people be lurking on someones insta or whatever to see what theyve been up to. Sometimes you hope theyre failing and miserable because they did you wrong and you want to feel validated. In my particular case i am worried, and i miss them. There are no posts for me to see or wonder about so this is useless but i think i also want to see that my ex is sad (because i was important to him for such a long time) but also, not like, too sad. And I'm fantasising about him sort of DOing something about it. I want to see what he's up to. Is is dancing? Is he injured? Is he Making? Is he finding small joys in life like hanging out with friends or seeing a cute creature on a walk? Seeing posts about these things would not help me! Because i would likely assume he was not sad, then i would feel angry and bitter and disappointed in myself for wasting my time. We dont share when we are sad (or why) on socials. I am NEVER going to see a post that effectively says "my smart and beautiful and extraordinary girlfriend of 9 years left me, and I am sad i couldn't be what she needed. I miss her a lot and wish i could have showed her this garden i saw today, she would have loved it. I will never forget her and dont know how to be okay with this". No one is going to see that. But ultimately i think we check up on people because what we want to see is some variation of that, so we can feel validated and know that they UNDERSTAND how were feeling.

Because this is tumblr I have made stupid posts a bit like this! I miss him all the time, i made a facebook post about a doco that I watched in the hopes that he would see it and watch it, because i think he'd like all the adorable english woodland creatures. This is also stupid! As are posts showing how well youre doing in hopes ypur ex seems them and feels stupid. Devoting this much energy to a game in your head where you will never get an outcome that satisfies you cannot help you move on or heal. But i do think its weird that we look for any possible thread that tied us to people we are without, even the terrible online ones that can never retie us! We talk to gravestones like the dead can hear us. I am currently checking my mailbox every day for a letter that might not ever arrive, and even if it does it sure and shit wont contain any information that helps me live my new single life where no one thinks I'm special, and there's no one I'm 100% comfortable to be all of myself around and who I dont get tired of being with.

I will never know if he saw the fb post, let alone watched and had opinions on the doco I talked about. Knowing wont help. He knew i have a tumblr but i dont think he'd go through it as its a huge pile of memes and stuff he wouldnt understand to look for 3 things that say im sad. And again, knowing I'm sad won't help.

Normally im very good at being like "well this is unproductive/not the best course of action" and then, you know, STOPPING but unfortunately I will continue to wonder how he is and what hes up to and cling to actually unreasonable, unfounded fantasies of what happens IF he sees.

Anyway this is a long vent that basically says i think i get why people do it now but ultimately it will never bring the carthsis we hope for (:

He knew i had a tumblr but I dont think he's checking up on me coz. Whats the point. Its a lot of stupid memes for 3 im sad posts. Which accomplish nothing as discussed.

[bokettochild]

🦊im being annoying, i’ll shut up now. im sorry. you can just ignore me. im not gonna send anymore asks when i feel like this, m just being bothersome and more of a burden at this point. (…n if you want you can kick me out of lava family…i dont think i deserve to be in it, honestly. im just a burden to everyone around me.)

Sugar, I don't hate you! None of us do! And we don't want you out of the fam, I promise

I need you to understand though that my life get's busy, I took on two extra hours at work today because money is a bit tight and I wanted the bigger paycheque, so I'm a bit more tired, had less time online, and generally have my brain spinning already from making stuff

I'm not mad at you. You did nothing wrong. I just have less time on my hands and just as much stuff to do.

Please relax. No one is angry, we just don't always have time to answer our asks right away, and sometime's we don't see them until hours later :)

[ohleander]

9.9.24

been dealing with a plethora of emotions today and I think I've finally snapped in an unsavory way. Feeling extremely annoyed and also angry, lonely, fearful, regretful.. feeling insecure, like ive never been enough and like I'll never be enough. I dont have any direction in my life right now, I feel like I'm masking that with 'comfort' but the comfort just aint comforting like I pine for it to.. I pine.. I am dealing with jealousy, annoyance, maybe even just a little bit of hatred and moreso than anything hatred that I'm feeling these things that I am. they're flowing over me in an all consuming way and I want to yell and cry and lay blame. Thats what feels right and just. I'm tired of dad never leaving the house and just always being here taking up all of the space there is.. i pine for a different routine than the one I have, I pine for my routine to not involve him at all. I see where my entire life has involved him in every way and I really just get tired of it sometimes. Its wild being the caregiver/supporter of a parent while also failing to feel like an adult. Its scary. I feel like I'm constantly a child whos taking care of things, and yet I am in charge with no real concrete skills. I know this is only an exaggeration of reality, amplified by the magnifying glass of my feelings and I know these things I'm saying sound ridiculous and I'm just so full of negative feelings. I'm tired of being strong all the time I'm tired of being neutral, always trying to be happy and not let things bother me but I feel so bothered by everything. Feeling inadequate, feeling left behind by the people that I love most, left behind by the consequences of my own fear and inactivity, blaming dad for everything, blaming myself for everything even more because I havent been able to see where I am going or what I am doing. I never feel like I know what I am doing and its very tiresome. Im always supporting others and it feels very much like if I didnt check in on anyone, they certainly wouldnt check in with me. I feel very extra.. I feel like people need me but not because they like me but because I provide things for them.. because I'm useful. been dealing with extremely negative feelings personally, at work, and at home. feeling absolutely left behind by the folks that I love most.. not in the loop.. feeling very confused.. i dont feel like I mean as much to others as they mean to me.. i dont think anyone thinks of me as much as I think about them.. i really dont feel like people think of me at all. It would be very easy to disappear.

LA

[magicalslug]

Life update

...Because those are always fun.

In yet another thinly veiled attempt at writing something that's totally not a vent, you get to hear what I'm up to today.

I'm planning an itinerary for ~a trip to NYC~

(this stays between us bcus this is a V1SA requirement but i aint planning on THAT. I just need it to make any plane trip to canada cheaper instead of direct. bcus apparently your plane landing in usa for even a microsecond requires you to have a v1sa for that. SO fun)

Anyway. Of course it has to be believable. And idk maybe one day it'll be real bcus you know, I do want to watch a broadw ay play LIVE someday.

So I had to do a little research and watch some videos because i had no idea what to put down on it other than "watch musical at 7pm" on it.

And i watched some guys videos about "nyc tips! best places to go! best locations! dont do this here! dont miss this!" type of things.

And the more i watch the more.

Sad? I get?

Traveling abroad is so expensive. Traveling at all is a luxury.

I... I will never live the kind of life that lets me throw money into the fire like that. To travel all over. To enjoy that type of vacations.

Because (and this is the part where i wonder if this isn't just because my brain has been in a terrible state lately) traveling for vacations is kind of a waste right? We all think that? We're all disillusioned by prospect of being away from the worries of your daily life for 3-4 days and then coming back to your nightmare again to live it until the next time you can afford the Momentary escape? Yeah? We're all on the same page?

(What do you mean it's just me?)

It's just.

I've been so sad lately.

"ignoring your friends because it's all too much" type of sadness. "sleeping it off almost daily because it's all too much" type of sadness. "having The Thoughts again almost every day again" type of Sadness.

And it feels like nothing will ever make it better.

And i keep thinking that I know why. I know why i'm feeling like this. But it feels like deflecting the blame.

It feels like i'm lying.

But it must be because I'm back living in the place I wanted to escape from, that i got a momentary escape from it, and now that i'm back it feels like.

Like I was right.

That I will never be free.

And time is running out to escape from it.

And I'm losing anything that made me happy. That made it worth it.

I don't have my freedom. My peace of mind. My art! I can't do art anymore! The friends I had made are now too far away! And the friends I have here are so far away I can't even visit easily!

And I'm so fucking tired and angry and sad all the time!

And stuck living with someone that I hate. And that hates me back.

And guess what!!!! We ALL HAVE PROBLEMS!!!

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE LIVING IN HELL!!! YOU COMFORTABLE LITTLE POSH THING!!!! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SORRY LITTLE THING!!!! PATHETIC!!! MEDIOCRE!!!!! STOP FUCKING CRYING !!!!

i DON'T LIKE IT WHEN IM MEAN. BUT NOW IM MEAN ALL THE TIME.

I'm.

I undid so much work in just a few months.

I wanted to live. I really wanted to live. Did you know? I kept calling myself immortal. I kept saying it to friends. I kept going "oh duh, I will never die so jot that down" and i don't think anyone ever asked me why I kept insisting on it.

But it's because it was a comforting thought, a clutch to hold onto. I will never die, so it'd be pointless to be s uicidal. A grandiose claim to train my brain into not wanting to die anymore.

(And though it wasn't the only thing that helped-- It worked. It had worked.)

And reclaiming my life had felt so easy. When I wasn't stuck living with my abuser.

But now I'm back here again. And I hate my job that sucks the life out of me. And I hate where I live because it's just a constant loop of being dehumanized while trying to play nice with the hand that feeds and chokes at the same time. And i hate myself most of all for being so weak.

So weak for it all.

Living my life should be easy. Someone else would not crumble under things so easy to live through. Someone else would be able to defend themselves. SOMEONE ELSE WOULDN'T BE SO PATHETIC.

Because I was getting better. And I was happier. And it wasn't perfect. But I did think for a moment that I was going to make it.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years"

Dead. Dead if i'm lucky.

I lost everything. Even now I feel how I'm losing myself.

What good am I for anymore. I failed at everything.

"You're never too old to start living life!"

Well that's the thing.

I am getting old.

Too old to keep dreaming of ever achieving anything important.

Anything good.

Anything worthwhile in this world.

So why even wait for more time to pass.

Why not cut our loses.

And leave the world while a few people still care about me.

I want to jump in front of the metro.

I want to jump so badly.

And it'd be so easy.

So easy.

It would welcome me with open arms.

Death would be asking what took me so long.

Why I made her wait.

Why I wasted my time.

Why I wasted everyone's time.

I miss my grandpa.

[mycrepuscularray]

Rage - 5 September 2024

Ive come to a realisation that i may have anger issues. At this point, it isn’t even “may”. Smallest things triggers me. What is the problem even?

Can u imagine, some random person knocks on the door and talks to you, asks u some questions (ex: some person came to talk about dakwah from surau nearby, btw i shifted to jb) and from his questions, i got TRIGGERED!! The question that triggered me was maybe somewhat when he asked me “muka macam melayu” and my mouth just somehow answered gehshaigsjsuhs u know what i mean?

Why?

Do i have something that’s really bothering me? Is there something that im really mad about? Did Allah take away my calmness?

I also realised that when i think abt a scenario of hows and whys, i tend to get it. Example 1, i wanted pimples when i was small, i got from 14 till 24 i guess. 2. I actually lowkey fantasised abt living in tight financial situation. U know the scene in housebunny where she closes her car door and everything sucks, with broken car and life, i kinda liked it like idk what was the appeal, WTF RIGHT? Cause i got it…….

So i asked for this rage? 2 consecutive nights, i fought with Anwar. The first fight was bad. I was kicking the box and stuffs. I really got angry to the point i was sweating so bad. I left the house in silence without my phone so he wouldn’t track me and went to the playground. At one point, it struck me that it was just about a small matter. Why did it even go till that way? Understandably, the matter was abt 12liters container (ive told him so many times but he still said “i dont know” so that triggered me, maybe cause he made me feel like he wasn’t listening??)

The second night (today) was abt him wanting to wash the toilet and i wanted to shower. He wanted to finish washing and i argued back, insinuating i am the entitled and he just needs to shut and back off. It was just that. As i left the room saying i need to calm myself, i was already feeling like crying. I did shed 1/2 tears i guess and the feeling just left. Maybe i felt stupid? Guilty? Im not sure now.

Rage….. where do you come from. Was it from my wonders? Is it something taken away from me? Suppressed feelings? Life frustrations? Current world situation (syria war, women being killed, generally bad news cause im on social media alot)? Tired? I dont know. Now my aim is to understand, acknowledge and solve this issue.

Ya Allah, Ya Ar-Rahman, Ya Ar-Raheem

I wonder why? Assist me Ya Rabb, i am just a weak servant seeking for the best

Also im balding very bad now. My top part of the head is basically so sparse now that u can see the scalp and strands of hair. Shaving off soon. Hope to catch u again

Bye for now

Assalamualaikum

[kusundei]

i have a headache . haircut is fine i suppose like. i can live w this. honestly it just looks like? ajaxs? so i suppose we r matching. kinda looks like how i draw his hair??? definitely doesnt fit me though but hair always grows back^_^ will probably look normal and how i wanted it to before i leave for japan anyway. i just. am still. bothered from earlier. being here is making me. ill. a bit. i forgot about the smell. because she smells like him and jesus christ i felt my heart drop like bad. seeing her also made me the same amount of anxious i expected. was bad bcuz she kept talking to me and i wasnt thinking or registering anythint because i was so nervous??? oh and. the picture of him. on the mirror. but aside from that im okay^_^ just tried to ignore and not look st it im glad they moved locations and the other one got shut down because i think i can be okay like this

god forbid my mom is getting her hair done too though and jesus christ am i. im still. upset. because why did you start lashing me as soon as i got into the car??? complained and called me selfish?? dumb??? but i suppose it was expected. just like what the fuck??? like i can handle you pestering me about work and school and everything but everytime. its always. ajax. you bring him up every single time because you know thats how you’ll get a reaction out of me because i cant act unbothered when you do because what the fuck??? keep his name out of your mouth he wasnt even related to the fucking conversation??? pestering me because i wont tell you things but im not fucking lying to you im telling you the truth??? god forbid i dont ask him those things because why do i need to know that? and let alone why would I TELL YOU. why do you care why is there always a problem??? and youre so upset for what??? i didnt even do anything why am i always the one who has to deal with your moods?? youre always so angry anyway its jsut i didnt even do anything its so fucking frustrating im sorry and you lash me while youre driving??? like keep your hands on the wheel what the fuck is wrong with you??? and then you complain “ohhh so you dint wanna talk to me anymore?” like fucking obviously??? talking to you is like talking to a brick wall you do not listen. regardless of what im talking about regardless of if im telling you the truth or lying and its repeated REPEATEDLY its the same thing yoyre always so upset that we have to have the same conversation everytime but youre the one who starts it??? im sorry you always have a problem with me im trying. i truly am i just wish you could learn to realize that not everything youre thinking has to be verbalized. i do not need to be subjected to every thought you have you complain that i am quiet and dont talk but thats because if i do you would kill me for even saying anything. again i am fighting a losing battle with you every single time whats the point? so you have an actual reason to hit me??? like im not giving you that

but irs okay. it is. okay. i am fine. i am filled with love. we are leaving soon and i do not need to tweak or let it consume me. she will not be upset again when we get into the car and we will either continue to drive in silence or she will speak to me like a normal human being because she is calm and reasonable now. she is giggling w tina surely she will be okay in the car and amused. she will leave me alone and not pester me. my head hurts so bad though i feel sick and ill and im hoping thats just from. being tired and not eating and nothing else. but im okay. i will not tweak. i am normal. i am okay today can still be a good day because it was up until this point^_^ wasnt even this upset being told to walk home and then getting lashed after it truly was just. the insulting. the mentioning ajax and then hitting me. but its okay.! im okay ^_^