#but eh can’t improve if I just trash whatever I’m not pleased with

[hana-bobo-finch]

prepare yourselves! Mark your calendars! Louie will be turned into a firework in 15 days!

I was too lazy to draw a background so. They’re just chilling in The Void.

also. Don’t know if I got Brittany and alph’s personalities right. Gonna self report, I’ve only been playing pikmin for a month, and I’ve only played pikmin 4 so far. So. Maybe alph would love to see louie be blown up

[campcampfanfan]

Ranking every CC episode (except the specials)

You read the title! Every episode except the specials will be ranked here and now, by your truly. TW for swearing. Also, spoilers, obviously. Remeber these are all my opinions, and enjoy!

Episodes I don’t like too much/ Don’t watch:

54:The Candy Kingpin

I know, I know, probably an unpopular take. I don’t really like Dolph, and think the series could have done without his whole… thing. I like him as a character, sorta, but I also don’t really like him. I honestly forgot this episode even existed until I looked it up, and the only thing I remember was Gwen and David’s conversation. The whole story was… eh? Whatever, it was still fine-ish in the long run.

53: Reigny Day

Enough said. Everyone’s lowkey kind of a jerk in this episode, except for Neil and Max for like two seconds.Also, Dolph jokes. Don’t like it.

52:Cameron Campbell the Campbell Camper

This one was pretty meh. I, once again, didn’t remember it existed until I looked it up. It wasn’t Cam’s best episode (I’ll get to that later), and it was kinda bland. Bland doesn’t mean bad though, but it just wasn’t the best. Only thing I remember was the wholesome Dadvid moment and Max saying a funny line. Enough said about that.

51: Anti Social Network

Now, I wasn’t too sure where to put this, because this was in theory a good episode. I just don’t like it. I’m not sure why, but Max being a tiny perv is very funny to me, because that is exactly what a ten year old is like. I just didn’t really find it interesting or catching my attention, but it wasn’t a bad episode.

50: The Order of the Sparrow

I get why you like this, I totally get it. It’s funny and lots of Dadvid, plus Gwen singing for the first time. Honestly, Gwen singing and David’s mental breakdown is what got this higher than Anti Social Network, but it’s still racist. I get it, it’s comedy, but it’s still really… interesting. I know the CC people are trying their best, and it’s a delicate balance, but I still skip over the first few minutes.

49: Jeremy Fartz

We love a hilarious mess up, Max cursing, and David making fun of someone, but it’s also a really awkward episode? Like, it makes for a really good backstory for Jeremy and joining the Woodscouts, but it’s such an odd episode. Not bad, just odd. Whatever, I still like it. Sorta….

48: Fashion Victims

Oh boy, Russian Waifu comes back. I love Ainsley, she’s my precious baby and Max’s purified Doppelganger, and I love her so much. But Sasha’s not my favorite character in the show, and she got especially mean in this episode. I love the whole Vera thing, but really dislike this one. I watch it once in a while, but not too often. Also, we love positivity from Tabii and Erin.

47:Time Crapsules

We love Gwen blushing, improvement from Max, and making fun of baseball. But this episode really hit me with second hand embarrassment for both Gwen and Max. You know when you can’t sit through an episode without getting second hand embarrassment? Yup, that’s this one. I wanted the guy coming through the door to be David and I’m salty, ok? This is my list, and we stan Gwenvid on this account.

46:Campfire Tales

Dolph’s story was boring, Space Kid was great, We love ghost parents. We l o v e Slenderman! AU David in this household, and I want to see more of them. Oh yeah, outfits were great. Max is a baby in this episode, and I love his fear because it makes you see that he really is a little boy with feelings. I also laugh at everyone’s faces after Space Kid’s story.

Ok Episodes/ Ones I do like:

45:Preston Goodplay’s Goodplay

Oooooo, this is a tough one. I love Preston as a character, because I too am a theatre kid who dislikes most people and wants to be famous for her storytelling. I can relate. I love how David talks to him, and how Preston comes to his realization that he doesn’t need to please everyone. Also, canon French Speaking! David is canon. Amazing. He’s still Candian! Anyway, Clown College was odd, but whatever, I can roll with it.

44: The Quarter Moon Convergence

We totally saw Zemug and no one said anything. No one! Why was no one talking about this! We saw the elder god! Anyways, I love Harrison and Quartermaster working together. It’s funny, it’s clever, and I want to see more of it. I do not like the subplot with the other characters, and it really took me out of the main story. Other than that, pretty interesting idea, and I love my pure magic boy!

43:Who Peed in the Lake

Ew. That’s all I need to say about it. It’s extremely funny, I like the motives, and I love detective Max. However, Nikki and the final answer are disgusting in this episode. It gross, it’s gross, it’s gross, but it’s so funny. I know I have the humor of an eight year old, I don’t care.

42:New Adventure

I love how this episode was played out. Funny, clever, and overall pretty ok. Plus, guess who shows up? Dirty Kevin, my friends! Best trash boy :)

Overall pretty good! Not too many complaints, but not too many great things either.

41:The Fun Raiser

Hmmm… This was an… interesting episode. David and Gwen scheming is my new religion, and they are both idiots. Who the hell thought this plan was a good idea? David? I mean, he’s a little bit dipsy, but has SOME common sense. Gwen? Maybe, but you know, she’s logical. You know what? I’m being too picky. I love my dumbasses, they are the best. Also, Gwen sitting on David is everything I love in my life and everything I need. Harrison makes a very good point, Nikki probably found Jasper’s skull, and Max is my scheming child. Whatever, eh episode, love the plot, but I have cringed at it.

40: Foreign Exchange Students

Like I’ve said before, this episode is out of place. It’s not bad, it’s just… blandish. I know, I know, Russian Waifu was in it, but this episode was only ok. I love Vera and Brian, and the ending is super funny, but other than that, eh episode.

39:Attack of the Nurfs

I honest to gods forgot this episode existed. I ended up rewatching it, and had a few good laughs. Gwen in this episode, for the little time she appears, is so funny. David’s sparkle eyes always make me laugh, and Max ends up making me laugh most of all. Nurf takes “talking to yourself” to a whole new level, and I relate my man. Get that therapy!

38:Camp Cool Kidz

This episode is eh....? I love my tiny rebellious children, but I really hate Ered in this episode. It just feels… so unlike her. I get it, it’s the start of her ark, but really and truly I disliked her character in this episode. On the other hand, Nikki is me trying to flirt with other women. She’s my little baby Pansexual, and I love her to death. Honestly, I really enjoy Nikki episodes, so yeah. Also, the literal moment I began to love Gwen with the “Stab her bitch!” line.

37:Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak

Honestly, I almost never watch this episode, but I still really like it. Nerris’s lines, the battle between two magic folk, the one liners, the ending, oh it was really good. However, some of the parts were boring, it’s not the best, but it’s still pretty good. Whatever, I like Nerrison and magic, so boom.

36:Escape from Camp Campbell

Honestly, what a classic. First episode, Gwen being overall great, “No Running”, Max being a  tiny Satan, Nikki and Neil being amazing. But, once again, it’s the first episode, which means some things aren’t the best. But! I do enjoy this one, and watch it sometimes.

35:Mind Freakers

Eh… It’s pretty ok. We love Harrison and Neil being jerks to each other, and we love Max having an identity crisis, but all I could really think through this was “Poor Max” and “This is a really stupid and petty fight”. It really is petty, which isn’t bad, but I feel like ti was an odd episode. Not bad, I thoroughly enjoy it, I just couldn’t swallow normal for a few days….

One I really like/ Second highest ranking:

34:Romeo and Juliet 2: Love Resurrected

Bon Bon~! Yay! We love David for having a Tinder, for Max’s amazing performance, and the drama! That being said, it’s overall a pretty good episode! Not the best, but pretty good!

33:Mascot

Welp, I feel like you all know what I’m getting at. The jokes are well landed, Muack appears for the first time ( and steals the show, and that’s the tea), and my girl Nikki is so precious. Quartermaster is weird as hell, and speaking of which…

32: Quartermaster Appreciation Day

I know, it’s gross, it’s weird, I hate the relationship almost as much as I can, but this episode is so freaking funny. So many of the jokes are well timed, some classic lines come from this episode, and Quartermaster being his weird self is a major playing factor.

31: Space Camp was a hoax

More Gwen and David being two idiots sharing one brain cell? Hell yes, lay it on me. Space Kid is so funny, and his inner dialouge is fantastic. Also, Nikki cursing is incredible, even if it isn’t really on screen. Gwen’s line “Is this what success feels like?” is a major mood, and I just generally think it’s a good episode.

30: Ered gets her cool back

We love Nerris and Ered’s relationship in this household, ok? Older sporty sister spends time with dorky younger sister who has more common sense? Bigger sister gets better at being with other people and learns a lot form the experience? Nikki”s outfit? All major amazing things I love in this episode. But, the plot was a little eh, and I got second hand embarrassment.

29:Jasper dies at the end

All I have to say is H O O E Y

28:Cameron Campbell can’t handle the truth serum

Dolph’s autstic? Oh, ok, that’s pretty cool! We love representation. Anyways, this was an odd episode. Not good, not bad, just… odd. The therapy and plant jokes made my dad have to come in and check on me because I was laughing so loud, and most of the other jokes hit well. But it was… eh plot wise. It was pretty good joke wise though!

27:Journey to Spooky Island

Jasper, Quartermaster’s ahem… thing, and Max screaming were the best things in this episode. This episode is pretty great if I do say so myself, but this is ranked lower because I did not need to imagine Quartermaster like that. Excuse while I go burn out my eyeballs.

26: Camporee

Fuck Pikeman. All my homies hate Pikeman. No seriously, he is my least favorite character on the show. His sexism and gross advances really get to me, and the way he treats Gwen is disgusting. Now I have that out of the way, I actually enjoyed this episode, except for Pikeman. Hot take, I know. I’ve seen the Pikeman X Reader stuff on Wattpad. Whatever, back to the topic. Episode was good overall, especially the lesson. Each person’s talents were fantastic, and the ending itself was great. 

25:Camp Corp

We stan business Gwen and her telling Nancy to shut up.I love the plot, forcing three people who usually don’t work together to solve a common problem. I love that, and it does make for an interesting story. However, there are some flaws to the episode, but it’s overall pretty fantastic!

24:Follow the Leader

Are you kidding me? This was a great idea. Funny, creative, inventive, and overall pretty good. Playing with how each character leads was a great idea, and very inventive to give them all a common goal. Why it’s so low is personal pettiness. Pikeman, and Jasper was probably on the island when it blew up.

23:Squirrel Camp

Why is this so high up? *Looks at notes* Oh yeah, it’s so stupid I actually like it. No, but for real though, I know people don’t like this one as much as I do, but I think it’s pretty funny. Sure, dumb idea and kind of mediocore, but to me it’s so fun and entertaining. I’m sorry if you don’t agree, but you can make your own list if you’d like. It’s such a weird plot it’s entertaining. You get me?

22:Panicked Room

I just really like this episode, no rhyme or reason. It’s really funny and romantic, and the interactions were so good. David and Gwen through this episode were amazing for the mere seconds they were on screen, but it was overall pretty good!

21: City Survival

I couldn’t remember much of what happened in this so I ended up rewatching it. We love Dirty Kevin, David’s reaction to the city, and David being a homeless twink. Gwen also has the fancy outfit in this episode, and I am all for that.

20: Cookin Cookies

Three girls accidentally start a meth lab and go all breaking bad? Hell yes.It’s funny, the completion of everyone getting father figures, and it’s an overall good idea. It’s creative, good, it’s amazing. I really wanted to know what the main three were doing though, I’m actually kinda curious. Anyways, good story, and very enjoyable.

19:Keep the change

I found this episode very entertaining! Dadvid, Campbell getting better, funny moments, and a good plot! It’s really a great episode, and establishes what the season will be about. In fact, I believe I have themes for all the seasons:

Season 1:Beginnings

Season 2: Family

Season 3:Friends

Season 4: Change

18:Parent’s Day

Ok, Ok, know, Dadvid, but really I feel like this episode is a tiny bit overhyped. I love the Dadvid, Candy and Carl (Except I really don’t ship Neil/Nikki anymore), and how Max’s … situation is handled. Yes, I am on the side of thinking Max’s parents are abusive or at least ignorant. They just don’t care, and that’s where Max’s attitude comes from. It was well handled, and I very much like this episode.

17:Dial M for Jasper

I love Jasper with all of my heart, and watching his backstory was both heartbreaking and amazing. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Watching it made me hate Campbell more than I did, and I expect the episode where David finds out about Jasper would be heartbreaking. David most likely screams and curses at Campbell, and takes off. I’m hoping Gwen runs after him, but that’s wishful thinking.\

16:David gets hard

The ending is amazing, I love learning about Nurf’s trauma, and watching Gwen,Max, and David scheming is incredible. It was interesting to see Nurf's side of the story, and it was pretty good. Enough said.

15:Cult Camp

Yes, it is high. The song is amazing, the plot is amazing, and Daniel’s stupidity is amazing. He is a very good villain, and it works with the comedy of the show. If everyone wants, I will write an essay on Daniel and what he means to the show. Anyways, good episode, funny and inventive.

14:Bounjour Bonqueesha

Oh, what to say about this episode! I love Bon Bon, but her breaking up with David an hour before their date? Not so cool. Whatever. Watching Gwen comfort David made my day, my week, my month. It was amazing. The “I’m a girl” line was extremely funny, because me too Nikki. Me too. Anyways, loved it!

13:The Lake Lilac Summer Social

Oh, what an episode! Gwenvid, Makki (I sorta ship it? Eh?), love triangles, Gwen going ship crazy (me too, man, me too), and David being level headed for once. Uh, so glad this episode exists. Only bad part, Pikeman and Jeremy. That’s literally it.

12:Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot

The ending was gross, but whatever. No judgement. Funny episode, and I love how the experimented with the points of view. Petrol’s side was a nice gag and it was overall a good episode! No complaints other than the weird ending.

11:After hours

Honestly, this is a tie with the next one. It is a great look at what happens after all the kids go to bed, what Gwen and David have to deal with, and what goes on outside the camp. The Gwenvid is strong with this episode! It’s really funny and creative. Also, ChibiKawaiiCat97 is absolutely a real username out there, I’m sure it is. Gwen deserves all the good things.

My Favs!

10:Scout’s Dishonor

Neeancy, my child! Yeah! Also, Neil cursing out of nowhere? Amazing. It’s so high up because it actually was the first episode I saw a clip off! It’s what got me into Camp Camp overall, but it’s not listed up there because I do like others better.

9:The Forest

I know, not number one. It’s an amazing episode, with a great plot and a good lesson, but I physically cannot watch it without sniffling. Yes, I know, I’m pathetic for crying at this, but I really see the pain. You can feel the fear in his voice, and it always makes me so sad. Whatever, I still love this episode.

8:Into Town

I mean, I have no rhyme or reason, I just love this one. I can’t even think of a flaw for this one! It’s kind of an amazing thing! A lovely episode with good visuals and amazing dialogue!

7:The Butter Fingered Effect

An amazing episode about change. I love Neil cracking, Ered becoming a nerd, Nikki becoming a scientist, and the counselor outfit swap. I appreciate Gwen wearing David’s clothes, because that’s amazing. I like the theme of change that fits with Season 4. Good episode with almost no flaws!

6:Eggs Benefits

I love Max and Nikki interacting, trying to take care of the egg and Nikki basically having a panic attack. I just love Nikki episodes in general, ok? Don’t judge. Whatever. Preston and Nurf, were um, problematic, to say the least. Whatever, the ending was funny, and this episode is dear to my heart.

5.Camp Loser says what?

Wow… Gwen in a wood scout uniform is actually really pretty! Entire episode was pretty much a fanfiction come to life, and we love the team for that. Uh, I yearn for more fanfic like episodes. God, if you have followed me for long enough, you’d know I would love for the fans ideas to become canon.Anyway, good plot, glad Daniel came back in this way and Pan and/or Bi David is canon

4:Nikki’s Last Day on Earth

I wasn’t expecting that! Honestly, I didn’t see the twist and thought it was a good idea! Funny, creative, and shows off Max’s jerkiness. We love Max development and amazing plots. We also love a Mother and Daughter relationship between Gwen and Nikki. More of that please1

3:Gwen gets a job

This is so damn creative, I love this episode so much. Gwenvid fuel, Max being a terrible person, Gwen breaking down and David comforting her. I bet Gwen never heard a speech that encouraging in her life…

2:Party Pooper 

I know you thought this was going to be number one! Haha, tricked you! But really, this is an amazing episode. The way Gwen bonds with her father, the beautiful scene at the end, the background, everything. I love a good “Gwen is underappreciated” episode, and that’s why this gets second. Almost no flaws! Which leads to number one….

1:Something Fishy!

What an amazing episode! I have never seen “Shape of Water”, but this one is just incredible. Gwen is an underappreciated overworked mess, and she finds what seems likes the perfect option. But turns out it isn’t what it seems, and it’s amazing. Also, this episode has so much Gwenvid fuel, it’s amazing. The art is amazing, Gwen’s dress is amazing, it’s all perfect. No flaws here for me!

[toomuchponytail]

Continuation of 14:

So, I know no one asked for this, (If you want to feel free to request! I know I’m a trash-prompter but I can only improve)but I was feeling inspired, so here is a continuation of the antagonist and the government agents. Also I’m using he/him pronouns because thats what it felt like to me, but substitute whatever it’s your prompt, I am merely the trash-goblin shouting things from the gutters. 

The antagonist laughed when the leader walked away grumbling despite the pain it caused them.

Two minutes left. They hoped that the hero stayed away. 

The agents were getting antsy, the antagonist could admit that he was feeling the same. He’d long since given up on trying to loosen his binds, he’d only succeeded in making his wrists bleed. 

Even as the clock attached to the explosives counted down, beeping loudly too close to his ears, he still found himself hoping that his nemesis would stay away. The trap that the government agents had set was pretty foolproof, a heat seeking biochemical restraint goo-like substance that would render the hero immobile before he even knew that some other antagonist wasn’t behind this, and the pure hearted golden-boy idiot would never even see it coming, he’d be far too focused on trying to diffuse the explosives. They’d rigged the game, and even the antagonist knew that not only was that not fair, it also was impossible for anyone to win a rigged game, least of all the ones who rigged it. 

The antagonist found himself growing more desperate as the clock entered the final minute, he kept glancing over at the screen the agents were watching, as it scanned the sky for some hint of hero, but so far, there wasn’t one. The adrenaline keeping him going was wearing thin, he was shaking, the shaking jostled his battered body reminding him how bad of shape he was in. The restraints were putting pressure on his broken wrist, the tightness in the ropes made every panting breath agony. 

It didn’t matter. 

It was the last time he’d be hurt, and, in some ways he was grateful for that, it was so easy to get tired of the constant rushing, trying to think or fight someway out of a desperate situation, the antagonist let their head droop, it was nice to not have to fight anymore. He let his eyes slip closed, he had to admit to himself that the best way to be blown to smithereens was to be already unconscious, and despite the beeping he thought he could get there. 

The agents retreated behind heavily reinforced glass, still watching, still monitoring, but safe,  four agents in full body protection armed with heavy duty stun rods came out to stand closer to the antagonist, they were readying for a last minute snatch-and-grab.  

At about forty seconds he realized that the leader was approaching him again, smoking, but the keen eyed antagonist noticed a tremble in his hands, good,he thought smugly let him be afraid. The antagonist raised his head, defiance, always defiance in his dark and tired eyes. 

“Give up?” 

“R-ready to lose?” The antagonist spat, “I told you he’ll never come here,” he wanted to say more, but he didn’t trust his voice to not fade in his weakness, and he wouldn’t give the leader the satisfaction of witnessing that. 

“Eh,” the leader made a point of looking at his watch, “I think I’ll decide if we lost,” he crushed the cigarette under his shoe, “Last words?” 

“Y-you’ll ne-never ffind pe-peace,” the antagonist rasped, as his last moments trickled through his fingers like water flowing through a stream he realized the edges of his world were going soft, his vision refused to focus, “A-ah-always, running,” his body suddenly jolted with white-hot blinding pain as one of the stun canes met his damaged side, he let out a strangled cry and went limp. 

“What do you know about peace!?” The leader screamed at the unresponsive antagonist, he threw the cane down and turned to go back to the blast shielding, only to realize that of the four heavy guards who were standing with him outside the blast shield, only one was still standing, stun cane, poised in hand. 

The leader looked up at the other agents in confusion, to find them frantically rushing around, banging on and screaming at him through the thick glass, he couldn’t hear a thing. He glanced down at his walkie the cord was neatly clipped rendering it useless. This entire journey of confusion took less than a second, he realized what exactly he’d done when the stun cane met his mid-section, throwing his body into spasms, as he shouted and then collapsed. The guard removed their helmet revealing a face that the antagonist would recognize, it was the hero. 

“Now,” the hero whispered softly to themselves, a slight tremor in their voice, “I just have to diffuse this explosive, easy-peasy, no problemo, right?” 

Fifteen seconds left. 

“oh shit,” the hero pried off the security panel, revealing the wires and gizmos that was going to set this thing off, he realized with growing alarm that this wasn’t the plan that the agents normally used, this was totally new and he had no idea how to diffuse it. Normally in these cases the hero would call on the one person they knew would come through for them in a pinch all differing opinions aside, the person who always knew how to pick a certain lock, solve an impossible puzzle, or, even, diffuse a new explosive. However, both fortunately and unfortunately that person was already here, strapped to the explosive and unresponsive. The antagonist. 

Ten seconds. 

The hero went over to the antagonist and lifted their head, “h-hey buddy, wake up! I need you!” the hero gently slapped the antagonist across his bruised cheek, “Please, I-I can’t diffuse the explosive!” He hit him again, harder this time, panic growing hot in the pit of his stomach, it had taken him too long to get here! Now the antagonist was going to die either way. 

“Hey idiot!” The hero shouted as loudly as they could, tears of desperation in their eyes as they cupped the antagonist’s head in their hands, “What do I do!?” 

The antagonist mumbled something unintelligible. 

“What!?” 

“G-green w-wire, th-then bl-blue,” the antagonist rasped weakly.

The hero didn’t even know if the antagonist knew what was going on, let alone if the information was correct, but they didn’t have time to lose in careful contemplation. They got to the panel and ripped the green wire out of the mechanism followed closely by the blue wire, and then reflexively, and uselessly, covered their ears. 

For a moment nothing happened, the hero didn’t dare breathe, but then, when they risked a glance at the counter, it was frozen on the three second mark. The hero let out an enormous sigh of relief. 

“Woo-hoo,” they whispered to themselves, cutting it way too close for comfort here yet again.

The antagonist whimpered, breaking the hero out of their happy-to-be-alive thoughts, they returned to where their nemesis was restrained, now that the panic of saving them was fading they realized how bad off they were. Their face was mottled with ugly black bruises, they were bleeding from their mouth and nose, the hero would have to get a look at the rest of them too, but judging by the blood half-dried onto their wrinkled suit it didn’t look like the rest of them would be much better. 

“Okay buddy,” the hero said gently, “Lets get you out of here,” the hero risked a glance at the other trapped government agents who were mostly still scrambling behind the blast shield as they reached up to cut the antagonist’s binds. They hoped that the antagonist was too far out of it to feel the jostling as the hero could see that it must be agony for them, if they’d had the time the hero would like to put the agents in a jail cell, even if they’d get out again. They lifted the antagonist as gently as possible, apologizing as the antagonist groaned at the movement. They had only managed to get a few steps when something hit them, with enough force to almost knock them over. The hero started to pick up speed, glancing behind them, one of the agents with the stun guns had gotten to their feet and was holding a remote. Something hit the hero again, they found that their limbs started feeling heavier, they tried to push through it, stumbling, nearly dropping the antagonist, feeling their brain begin to slow and go almost numb. They were almost there! They could see the get-away car, but they were dizzy, they were hit again with whatever it was. They fell to their knees, breathing heavily, the antagonist rolled from their arms as they collapsed. 

“Sorry,” they mumbled to the antagonist as the darkness enveloped them, I’m so...so...so-sorry....” 

[it-refused]

Working Title: Forward, Back (21/?)

Summary:  Knowing what’s going to happen doesn’t mean Sans can stop it.  Maybe he could’ve put it off forever.  Sans decides to go.

Rating: T

Part Summary: Undyne comes up with an idea and Sans and Alphys have a talk.

A/N: I’m still debating the robot bit (like i have it separated out in the document i pasted from) so it might not end up in the finished version.  

>>First Part<<

>>Complete Parts on Ao3<<

Undyne tapped her head.  "Hey!  What if Alphys uses her genius to build a robot he can tell all this shit to, and it doesn't record it? Sometimes people just have to practice being honest - train at it! -  before they can do it for real.  He could roleplay that he's talking to his brother.  Alphys could program in all our voices!" She jumped to her feet and set up some more spears to make things brighter.  

"HMMMM..." Papyrus sighed.  "I APPRECIATE THE SUGGESTION, UNDYNE.  IT IS ON THE LIST.  BUT HE WOULD SHOW UP ONE DAY AND HE WOULD SAY, 'my incredibly cool brother papyrus, i have had a breakthrough’ AND THEN HE WOULD SHOW ME HOW INSTEAD OF TALKING TO HIS ROBOT FRIEND HE SPENT HIS TIME REPROGRAMMING IT TO MAKE RUDE NOISES."  

Toriel laughed.  "I think he would reprogram it to just have your voice say how cool he is."  

"THAT IS EVEN WORSE!  IF I TELL HIM HOW COOL HE IS, IT SHOULD BE BECAUSE HE HAS EARNED IT!"

"Ok, so there's a fatal flaw in my plan, and it's Sans himself," Undyne said.  "But there HAS to be some way we can use cool robots to fix this."

"PERHAPS THE DARK LESSON WE WILL ALL HAVE TO LEARN FROM THIS IS THAT WE CANNOT USE COOL AND SEXY ROBOTS TO SOLVE ALL OUR PROBLEMS."  Papyrus frowned.

"I don't buy it!"  Undyne slammed her fist into a rock, breaking it.  "We just have to make it cooler!"

"And sexier, yes," Toriel said, laughing.  They weren't on the right track for a solution, but they had a better idea of the cause, so she found herself optimistic.  

What she wanted, she supposed, was for this to end up having been a warning to all of them.  If things were better later because they had figured something out here, then maybe they would one day be able to look back on the time they almost lost him and think "thank god it happened so we could fix it and make it better."  

Toriel had just been so sure he was dead.  She could not help being optimistic now.  He was still alive, so they would save him.  

--

"Um, so...d-don't take this the wrong way, please?"  Alphys tapped her pen against her chin.  "I g-get that you're, uh, fragile?"

"that's me."  Sans was over by his blueprints.  He sounded more tired than anything.

"No offense!  We all have bad days!  Weeks.  Um, months?"  She sighed and muttered under her breath.  "Dammit, Alphys, if you can't do this at this point, you're in the middle of having a bad life."  She spoke up again.  "Um!  You know what I mean."

"i'm a babybones and i'll break if you say the wrong thing," Sans said, deadpan.  "don't tell me my shirt's ugly or i'll turn to dust right here."  

"Oh...shut up.  I'm being nice.”  It was difficult to coddle someone who didn’t want to be.  She just had to suck it up and be honest.  “But, um, in the nicest way possible, you still really suck at engineering."  She gestured at some of his work. "If you built it just like this, it'd break immediately and fry at least one of the parts we have no way to replace."  She took her pen and slashed at the paper.  The nib was in, so she didn't leave a mark.  "Whoops, goodbye!  Hope you know how to rebuild a temporal stabilizer!  'cause it's fried and half the electrical system's been sent to last Thursday!  Whoops!"

"thanks. heh.  great job not hurting my feelings."

"Your shirt looks nice though.  Eheh."  

"can't go wrong with number one grandma."  Papyrus had brought along a sack of clothes for him.  He'd been badgered into putting on something clean.

Alphys wanted to help him, but she couldn't work with this.  It wouldn't help to build something that would just break, or immediately fail. It might improve his mood short term to just go along with his ideas, but long term it would be much more painful.  She knew what he was like after a project failed.  "We just have to start from square one!"  Alphys swept the blueprints off the table, and then balked.  "Oh, shoot, I didn't mean to do that.  I need it to reference."  She knelt down on the floor and started cleaning up.

"that was pretty cool, though."  Sans looked away for a second.  "uh, you really planning to help out, here.  i thought the plan was to humor me and then drag me back to the surface."

"That was one of the suggestions," Alphys admitted.  "B-but, even if we could?  Papyrus and I talked it over and we think finishing this thing might help more than taking you back.  You could end up down here again.  Uh.  Even if you don't want to, actually. Teleportation has an interesting fail condition, huh."

"it's pretty neat."

She stood back up.  

"look, you can say whatever you want about me, if you're helping out," Sans said.

"On one condition?  It's not even an, um, ultimatum or anything.  It just can't work otherwise."

"i guess you need to know what you're doing."  

"I just...have to know what I'm helping make," she agreed.  

"yeah." He sighed.  "didn't feel like talking about it with the crowd here."

"M-maybe your brother should know, but.."

"probably."

Alphys adjusted her glasses.  "B-but, just tell me for now.  Ok."

"k. uh."  He scrubbed his eyesockets with the flats of his hands. "so.  we're doing pretty good these days, right?"

"Uh, I haven't seen any indication of temporal anomalies myself, but, I guess I usually didn't."

"yeah. i meant broader, though.  with, heh, the broad.  and the rest of your life."  

"Oh!"  She laughed and stood up as straight as she could.  "Yeah!  We're happy?  I hate to say it since that's when everything likes to roll itself into a ball and toss itself in the trash, but...stuff's pretty ok right now!"  

"same here."  Before she could say anything else, he continued.  "i mean, obvious aside."  

"Other than that huge glaring thing!"  She shook her head, laughing. "No, I know exactly what you mean.  Nothing's wrong wrong."

"there's the usual life stuff, but, whatever."  Sans' eyesockets were dark, his voice dull.  She wanted to tell him he didn't have to tell her, but she said nothing.  "there's one bug up my ass i can't deal with."

"Some things c-can't be fixed, Sans."  He had always only told her the bare minimum, but like now, there were things she had to know to actually try and help him.  There were also the things she had just picked up from knowing him, and from guessing.  

"ok." She wasn't sure he had heard her, or that he was listening at all. "when i got stuck down here, i started thinking about it, though, and i got an idea."  He took his hand out of his pocket to gesture at the broken machine.  

"me and grillbz, we've had some fun.  and papyrus got to do so much of the stuff he always wanted to.  i'm ok with that, if something happened.  bro'll be fine, no matter what, and i've talked about it with grillby and he sort of gets it.  just - i know this is dumb, so i don't need to hear it - but those kids of bro's are really bugging me.  like, i like 'em.  i want to see 'em do good for themselves. weird, right?"

"Sans..."

"heh. if something happened, though, i don't know.  they wouldn't get another shot at it, like the rest of us."

"I don't understand why they wouldn't."  

He told her, haltingly, why he had come down there in the first place. "so, sure, they'll still be around, physically, if stuff goes the right way again.  but these kids that are part of my family, the kids my brother raised - they'd just be gone.  worse than dead." He shrugged.  "kind of thing that keeps you up at night."

"G-god. What a horrible way to think about it!"  She didn't want to think about her own children, and how some small change could make it so one or all of them were never born.  What if that had already happened?  She felt sick to her stomach.

"yeah, yeah, it's a real pain," Sans said, dismissive.  "but, i came up with something."  He started sorting through some papers.  These looked older.  "i came up with this idea a while ago, but i gave up on it pretty quick since i would've needed to take apart this piece of garbage.  wouldn't do any good, anyway, not if i wanted to fix what was happening.  might be good for something else, though."

She didn't bother looking at his notes.  At at glance she could tell that it would take an hour to decipher his handwriting.  Instead, she looked over the blueprints.  

"can't stop things from starting over.  but maybe i can, uh...keep those two going when the rest of us move back."  

“Is that actually possible?"  

He shook his old notes.  The pages were yellowing, almost brittle. "yeah."

"Sans, would they even want to...to keep going, when everything else is...different?"  

"i mean, the other option is, uh, sort of like dying, but i guess i'd ask first."

"I hope so!  I don't know if I'd want that, even if...or maybe I would. I d-don't know.”  She rubbed under her glasses.  “Just them?"

"yeah. might be enough for a third person, but, eh.  alph, i dunno.  maybe this means i'm not a great guy, but i don't care that much about everyone else. we're all still going to be around, basically the same.  you and the dogs and everyone will have your kids again, eventually.  if i know those two aren't going to just be gone one day, well, i think i could sleep better at night."  He shrugged.  

She stared down at his plans.  "I don't really like this, Sans."

"it's up to you, if you help out.  i'm easy."

"Of course I'm helping."  She scoffed.  "I'm not letting someone do weird experiments with time in a basement with no one to point out when you're going overboard."  

He set the papers down.  "...thanks."

"And apparently I need keep you from electrocuting yourself."  She sighed.  

"i mean it.  thank you."  He looked up at her.  

Her head was buzzing with the hundreds of ways this could go wrong. "You're welcome, I guess.  I haven't done anything yet. So...uh, let's just get started!"

"got it."  

How was she going to explain this to Undyne?  

>>Next Part<<

[munarisblog]

DL Character meme!

I auto-tag me since I saw it and I loved it! The original idea is from @carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich. Great idea!

Rules: List your top 10 favorite DL characters (it doesn’t just have to be the dateable guys, any characters are fair game) in order. And the answer the questions. Blank questions at the end.

1. Laito

2. Kino

3. Subaru

4. Shin

5. Ruki

6. Ayato

7. Azusa

8. Reiji

9. Shu

10. Carla

1. Number 5 (Ruki) has decided they want to completely change up their wardrobe and they take you shopping with them so you can give your opinions on what new outfits they should buy. What sort of clothes are you going to recommend?

OMG! I bet Ruki would look amazing in anything he tries on!! I would like him to keep his casual office style. I would try to convince him to wear hats and casual shirts...Ahh...

2. You walk into your room one day to find number 2 (Kino) standing on your bed, dancing to your favourite song while wearing nothing but your favourite underwear. How do you react?

...WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!! NOW!! Then I’ll throw everything I find nearby to him and finally I would run to wash my eyes!

3. Number 7 (Azusa) has to go to the dentist but they’re adamantly refusing. How would you persuade them to go?

Azusa~ I bet what they are going to do to you will hurt a lot~ Why don’t you find out yourself~? BUM! He’ll accept.

4. You lose a bet with number 6 (Ayato) and now have to be their personal maid for a day. Do you go through with it or do you try to get out of it?

Well...I think he wouldn’t let me get away with it. So as long as I’m wearing something to cover my body...I guess it could be worst .-.

5. Number 4 (Shin) takes you to see a horror movie however they end up getting absolutely terrified halfway through and bury their head into your shoulder. How do you react?

I would be exactly the same so I wouldn’t judge him~Although I would use it against him in the future if he tries dragging me to another one >:D

6. Number 9 (Shu) surprises you with a cake they’ve baked especially for you. Are you going to eat it?

Of course not! I bet he used whatever he found to do it or is raw. Yuck! Although I would say thanks ^^'

7. Number 8 (Reiji) accidentally manages to completely trash their room, to the point where it’s uninhabitable. They don’t have anywhere to stay while it’s being repaired and so they ask if they can room with you for the next couple of weeks. How do you respond?

Eh..?! Reiji? Being imperfect? nah~ Or yah?! Well, you can, is not like I can refuse...just stay away whenever I’ll change.

8. Number 1 (Laito) has decided to learn how to play the trumpet. The downside to this is that, for some reason, they’ve taken to practicing right outside your room around the time you normally go to sleep. What are you going to do?

Laito~ SHUT UP!!! GO PRACTICE SOMEWHERE ELSE!! Please :3 I mean, the mansion is HUGE! I’m sure there’s a lot of other places to practice~:3

9. Number 10 (Carla) recently purchased a cat onesie and they’ve insisted on wearing it everywhere over the past few days. They’ve now purchased a matching onesie for you and they’re being very insistent that you wear it and go out in public together. What do you do?

Carla...I’m very worried about your mental health. But I don’t mind as long as it fits me and I’m not the only one ;)

10. Number 4 (Shin) is still scared after watching that horror film with you. It’s now late at night and they’re demanding that you let them sleep in your bed with you. What do you do?

Ok, but! With the only request that you sleep with me in your wolf form AND! You let me pet you for at least 10 minutes!

11. Number 3 (Subaru) confesses to you that they want to be an Olympic gymnast but struggle to even touch their toes. What sort of advice do you give to them?

Practice. I’m not the sporty type exactly, but the practice is the only key to achieve it! Also! Invite me to your competences, ok? So I can cheer for you!

12. Number 7 (Azusa) decides they want to paint a picture of you. They make you sit still for hours while they work on it, only when they finally reveal it to you, the image bears absolutely no resemblance to you. They ask you for your opinion, what do you say?

Azusa is beautiful! Thanks a lot! I bet you can improve even more! Tell me if you need my help again, ok? :3 (Sorry I can’t be mean with Azusa)

13. Number 5 (Ruki) buys a large pet python and they try to talk you into keeping it in your room. How do you respond?

Ruki…No. It’s your pet, so you keep it in your own room. I’m sorry, but if something happens to it, I would be the one responsible so…no :3

14. You go on a Ferris wheel with number 6 (Ayato) but when you reach the top, it stops moving and stays still for a long time. There seems to be some kind of fault, which means you’re trapped with number 6 till someone can get it working again. What do you do?

Me? Nothing. Ayato…suck my blood surely. But we can also try talking(?).

15. Number 2 (Kino) proposes you play a game of twister. Regardless of whether you want to or not, you get dragged into it. As you’re playing, you notice number 2 seems to be touching you a lot more than necessary. Do you call them out on it, or take some other course of action?

I’ll tell him to stop. I understand that you can’t help to touch each other. But not that much!

16. You’re getting changed in your room when you suddenly hear a noise from your wardrobe. You open the wardrobe to find number 3 (Subaru) standing in it. How do you react?

Subaru…what are you doing there? I hope it isn’t what I’m thinking you are doing…pervert!

17. Number 1 (Laito) manages to accidentally handcuff themselves to you. They don’t have a key and for some reason, no matter what either of you do, you can’t seem to get them off. What are you going to do?

You know I’s starting to think this wasn’t “an accident”. Let’s go with Reiji for help or maybe Subaru since he’s very strong.

18. Number 10 (Carla) presents you with a bouquet of roses and declares that they have feelings for you. How do you react?

C-Carla...OMG! They are beautiful, but...I’m sorry...I can’t correspond your feelings :(

19. You go swimming with number 8 (Reiji). You’re having a great time until they pull you aside and tell you that they’ve somehow lost their swimwear. Are you going to help them and if so how?

OMG…Reiji. D-Don’t worry! I’ll help you! Just stay here! I’ll go for a tower for you to cover! Then…I’ll look for your swimwear!

20. Number 5 (Ruki) wrote a love letter to you and slipped it into what they believed to be your locker, however the locker actually belongs to number 8 (Reiji) and they didn’t bother writing your name on the letter. How does number 8 react when they find it?

Of course Reiji will just throw the letter away and Ruki would act like it wasn’t him who wrote the letter. I would be there trying so damn hard not to laugh though xD

21. Number 7 (Azusa) gets very very drunk and tries to give number 3 (Subaru) a strip tease. What happens?

OOOOOOOOHHHHH~!!!! I think Subaru would madly blush and will try to run away from Azusa. I think if Azusa is insistant enough…he’ll get punched by Subaru. LOLOLOLOL

22. Number 6 (Ayato) and number 2 (Kino) get into a rap battle and they want you to be the judge. Who do you think is going to win and why?

Kino! Kino is more witty than Ayato and I think Kino has this quick hability to compose(?). I think the rap would be so damn hilarious as Kino would offend in many ways Ayato....LOLOLOLOLOL

23. Number 1 (Laito) accidentally ruins number 9’s (Shu) most prized possession and begs for your help in covering it up. What do you do?

Oh hell no! It was your fault. YOU LAITO will go and beg for your forgiveness. I heard Shu is damn scary when angry so I don’t want to get involve. Besides if I did cover him up I WOULD BE THE ONE IN TROUBLE! So NO!

24. You wake up in between number 4 (Shin) and number 10 (Carla) with absolutely no memory of how you got there. Do you have any idea about what might have occurred and what are you going to do now?

Well, guess I was bitten until I fainted since they were fighting about whom would I belong to. That’s the only escenario that comes to my mind.

25. You go on a camping trip with number 9 (Shu), number 6 (Ayato) and number 3 (Subaru). What sort of stuff do the four of you do together?

Walk, rest, walk rest and finally eat. We would have trouble turning on the fire and then I would end up being the one cooking. But they will be the ones to birng the food. Then I will prefer sleeping in the same tend as Subaru since I don’t trust the other two~

26. Number 9 (Shu) and number 4 (Shin) have somehow swapped bodies. How do they react and are you going to try to help them get back to normal?

That I think would be interesting. Shin hates vampires and he ended up being one, he’ll complain the whole time about how disgusting he feels. Although he’s secretly relief thet he got to be the eldest and not the hentai and to see with both eyes. Shu on the other hand would feel powerful, but he in the end wouldn’t care and go to sleep. I’ll ask for Reiji’s help or I’ll try hitting them with a hammer like Yui did LOLOLOLOL. >:D

27. You’re playing a game of Monopoly with number 5 (Ruki), number 7 (Azusa), and number 10 (Carla). Who wins and who goes bankrupt and storms off in a rage?

It would be a tie between Carla and Ruki, but Carla would be the one to exit all angry. Azusa would be the one to go bankrupt since he’ll never notice each time the both of them step in one of his properties and need to pay him.

28. You go on a hike with number 8 (Reiji) and number 2 (Kino). Number 8 is in charge of the map and they manage to get you completely lost in the middle of nowhere. What are you going to do?

I’ll be surprise, but say nothing. On the other hand Kino would be the one to say exactly all what I’m thinking about him. Kino would be a pain in the neck to Reiji and I’ll just sit…waiting for them to find out the way back.

29. Number 1 (Laito) has given up on learning the trumpet and has taken up the banjo instead. They write a song and play it for you but it sounds beyond terrible. How do you react?

I’ll tell Laito that he needs to practice more. That it wasn’t that bad, but I’ll highly recommend him to stick to the piano instead. Other wise...I’ll think it was ok…

30. Number 1 (Laito) and number 2 (Kino) get in a fight over you. Number 2 manages to win and asks you for your hand in marriage. How do you respond?

I’ll say YES!!! Even though I love Laito…I can see myself more with Kino and I think I have more things in common with Kino that with Laito. I’ll just ask Kino for time…that I want to finish college first and THEN we’ll get married. AHH~…That would be awsome!!

I tag: @dialover-author-couples @missconnita @mythicamagic @totallydiabolik @cryptic-stars @diabolik-shu-lover @infernal-iris @pokoyahoo @datenshisekai @lunaangel1010universe @pinkcaseotakadl & @vampiretsuki

It’s not mandatory but it was so fun!! :3 feel free to ignore it ^_^

Blank questions:

1. Number 5 () has decided they want to completely change up their wardrobe and they take you shopping with them so you can give your opinions on what new outfits they should buy. What sort of clothes are you going to recommend?

2. You walk into your room one day to find number 2 () standing on your bed, dancing to your favourite song while wearing nothing but your favourite underwear. How do you react?

3. Number 7 () has to go to the dentist but they’re adamantly refusing. How would you persuade them to go?

4. You lose a bet with number 6 () and now have to be their personal maid for a day. Do you go through with it or do you try to get out of it?

5. Number 4 () takes you to see a horror movie however they end up getting absolutely terrified halfway through and bury their head into your shoulder. How do you react?

6. Number 9 () surprises you with a cake they’ve baked especially for you. Are you going to eat it?

7. Number 8 () accidentally manages to completely trash their room, to the point where it’s uninhabitable. They don’t have anywhere to stay while it’s being repaired and so they ask if they can room with you for the next couple of weeks. How do you respond?

8. Number 1 () has decided to learn how to play the trumpet. The downside to this is that, for some reason, they’ve taken to practicing right outside your room around the time you normally go to sleep. What are you going to do?

9. Number 10 () recently purchased a cat onesie and they’ve insisted on wearing it everywhere over the past few days. They’ve now purchased a matching onesie for you and they’re being very insistent that you wear it and go out in public together. What do you do?

10. Number 4 () is still scared after watching that horror film with you. It’s now late at night and they’re demanding that you let them sleep in your bed with you. What do you do?

11. Number 3 () confesses to you that they want to be an Olympic gymnast but struggle to even touch their toes. What sort of advice do you give to them?

12. Number 7 () decides they want to paint a picture of you. They make you sit still for hours while they work on it, only when they finally reveal it to you, the image bears absolutely no resemblance to you. They ask you for your opinion, what do you say?

13. Number 5 () buys a large pet python and they try to talk you into keeping it in your room. How do you respond?

14. You go on a Ferris wheel with number 6 () but when you reach the top, it stops moving and stays still for a long time. There seems to be some kind of fault, which means you’re trapped with number 6 till someone can get it working again. What do you do?

15. Number 2 () proposes you play a game of twister. Regardless of whether you want to or not, you get dragged into it. As you’re playing, you notice number 2 seems to be touching you a lot more than necessary. Do you call them out on it, or take some other course of action?

16. You’re getting changed in your room when you suddenly hear a noise from your wardrobe. You open the wardrobe to find number 3 () standing in it. How do you react?

17. Number 1 () manages to accidentally handcuff themselves to you. They don’t have a key and for some reason, no matter what either of you do, you can’t seem to get them off. What are you going to do?

18. Number 10 () presents you with a bouquet of roses and declares that they have feelings for you. How do you react?

19. You go swimming with number 8 (). You’re having a great time until they pull you aside and tell you that they’ve somehow lost their swimwear. Are you going to help them and if so how?

20. Number 5 () wrote a love letter to you and slipped it into what they believed to be your locker, however the locker actually belongs to number 8 () and they didn’t bother writing your name on the letter. How does number 8 react when they find it?

21. Number 7 () gets very very drunk and tries to give number 3 () a strip tease. What happens?

22. Number 6 () and number 2 () get into a rap battle and they want you to be the judge. Who do you think is going to win and why?

23. Number 1 () accidentally ruins number 9’s () most prized possession and begs for your help in covering it up. What do you do?

24. You wake up in between number 4 () and number 10 () with absolutely no memory of how you got there. Do you have any idea about what might have occurred and what are you going to do now?

25. You go on a camping trip with number 9 (), number 6 () and number 3 (). What sort of stuff do the four of you do together?

26. Number 9 () and number 4 () have somehow swapped bodies. How do they react and are you going to try to help them get back to normal?

27. You’re playing a game of Monopoly with number 5 (), number 7 (), and number 10 (). Who wins and who goes bankrupt and storms off in a rage?

28. You go on a hike with number 8 () and number 2 (). Number 8 is in charge of the map and they manage to get you completely lost in the middle of nowhere. What are you going to do?

29. Number 1 () has given up on learning the trumpet and has taken up the banjo instead. They write a song and play it for you but it sounds beyond terrible. How do you react?

30. Number 1 () and number 2 () get in a fight over you. Number 2 manages to win and asks you for your hand in marriage. How do you respond?

[sagastar-blog]

MemoToTheMetaverse 2.4 “Gaia Says to Jeff, Let’s Take the Black Keys Car Service!”

Gaia, our hero, the story’s 16-year-old tomboyish female protagonist, walks around in a magnificent green, blue, and white bathrobe. Her long darkreddishbrown hair is dripping wet. Gaia is the planet Earth in human form, and has always been entirely awake, or aware of this fact. She’s recently emerged from the family “scuttlebutt,” a solar-powered steam room of sorts off the side of the family’s entirely ordinary first-floor Highland Park, NJ, apartment. She speaks into a hairbrush: 

Gaia: So glad to be here with Dan and Patrick of the Black Keys. Guys! Good morning! What brought you to The Orchard on this leg of the current intergalactic tour?

[Dan Auerbach--the lily-white reformed stoner father / lead singer of the indie blues rock duo from Akron known throughout the universe and beyond as The Black Keys--is a large Bert from Sesame Street doll.] 

Dan: Ummmmm. Gee. Let’s see. Well, I guess we figured we were in the neighborhood, you know, New York is kind of a thing...Hey, um, Do you guys have any coffee here? I could also really use a bagel. Like, with cream cheese, yeah? Thanks. Okay, yeah.

Patrick, a narwhal hand puppet and the drummer in the band, wears hipster glasses and grunts somewhat rhythmically: Me too. Please. Thanks. Whatever.

Gaia (turns towards the kitchen and yells): Daddy! Do we have any bagels left?

[Jeff is Gaia’s 39-year-old father, who has sole custody but, as any parent must no, very little immediate control over his daughter. He’s actually a young Bengal tiger in disguise as a human and also the Master Creator/Destroyer of All.

Jeff: Yeah, hold on. Do they want everything like usual?

Patrick the narwhal begins gnawing on the top of Bert’s head while gently spanking it from below with its tail, and grunts: “Sure thing, boss.”

Dan is distracted by Gaia’s proverbial “décolletage.” It must be said that Gaia is a beautiful, buxom, and rather rambunctious young woman, and has been for a few years now something of a man-eater. More problematically, she’s been neglected by her boyfriend/cousin-in-law, Amateratsu, the local mediocre neighborhood son, thanks to the way she’s been done dirty and wrong by life--HER LIFE, yes, but still--in recent times.

Dan: Thanks so much Jeff, that’s great. Gaia’s taking good care of us in here.

Jeff: She’s a fantastic hostess. You should check out her bedroom! It’s kind of a mess...Gaia, do you think you could maybe try sweeping some day? 

Gaia (returning to her interview): Dan, Patrick, do you ever wish a great wind would come along and wash away all the beer cans and bottles? I mean, like, take Akron....maybe all the rubber tires and factories and stuff should be...

Dan: Burned?

Patrick the narwhal has heard this story so many times already. He continues drumming on his lap, staring rather obtusely at Gaia’s round ass as she busily picks up last night’s detritus. He doesn’t mind getting interviewed today because he owes his ex-wife so much in arrears for child support that he’s willing to put up with Bert’s narcissism for yet another day.

Gaia: I was thinking, wouldn’t it be nice if Brian Wilson and the rest of the Beach Boys could just bury the hatchet and do, like, a benefit for the environment or something? Like, what is it going to take for some big shot celebrity musicians to actually get involved in American public life?

Dan: What we need, clearly, is the American version of Bono. Otherwise, Africa will become China and then we’re all fucked.

Gaia: Precisely. (prepares her hookah for the day’s first toke....Jeff doesn’t mind that Gaia is going through a phase in which she smokes as much cannabis as she wants when she’s at his house. She’s not always home from school, so he figures it’s a balanced approach to Creation/Destruction.)

Patrick: Do you think we could hit that?

Gaia (eyes smoldering): Butt of course, Monsieur Patrick. Et toi, Dan? Qu’en volez vous?

Dan: Did you just ask me where I’m flying next? 

Gaia: EH bien. Si vous voulez faire le countertransference avec moi, ca va couterez...(she lights up)

Jeff (buttering and cream-cheesing the bagels): Gaia, I’m serious! Your room!

Gaia (tucking her Bert and narwhal weiweis into her bed): I suggest we take the Black Keys Car Service to the eco preserve.

Jeff: Gaia, can you please explain to our guests what that will entail?

[Pollux and Castor emerge from the basement, all sparkly. They’re stars from an intergalactic talent competition known as Copernamici. As the head stars in the constellation Gemini, they are Amateratsu’s siblings, relatives of Jeff and Lucius. Pollux is slightly brighter and cheerier in general, whereas Castor has a beautiful, rich baritone voice.]

Castor: I was hoping we’d get to go to the preserve. There’s so little nature here in The Orchard, which is kind of ironic, don’t you think?

Pollux: Yeah, I was just thinking that it’s weird that there are signs all around this town, what is it called here Highland Park, that say things like “Tree City U.S.A.” and “No Hate Here.” They can’t even see us when they look up at night! Where exactly is the eco preserve, Gaia?

Gaia: Sore subject. Which is why I suggest taking the Black Keys Car Service! Daddy, you explain in a longwinded monologue which is not exactly a siloloquy but who cares because Shakespeare was SUCH a bitch...

Jeff (sets down the coffee at the C2 Center for Educational Brainwashing, where he is paid 27 dollars an hour to help privileged children improve their SAT scores): THE BLACK KEYS CAR SERVICE is one of the greatest ideas ever. It is the solution to the problem we face today aboard Spaceship Earth. (speaking into the ship’s PA system microphone) Humans! You have, since the dawn of the industrial revolution, been shitting in your own scuttlebutt! You have been, like cyborgswine, befouling your own trough. Your pollution--Ohio, we’re looking right at you...OH GEEZ, Cuyahoga was a great R.E.M. song about you burning rivers...where are you Michael Stipe when the galaxy needs you?--will no longer be tolerated. I have come here, people of Earth, to save Gaia. Only, the way it works is that Gaia doesn’t need salvation. Gaia, your planet Earth, will outlive all of you. Life will persist on this planet whether you want it to or not...at least for a little longer. The point here is that I am here to protect Gaia from all of you who have been either neglecting and violating her. (Hugs his daughter tightly.) The latter is worse than the former, but there are no innocent people in this world of ours, right Gaia?

Gaia (not a victim..a survivor): Correct.

Jeff (continues): Now. You, humans, will end this farce of an existence. You have serious environmental problems which you are not capable of fixing by yourselves. The first step in solving a problem is admitting that you have a problem. The Black Keys Car Service is the best way for you to admit you have a problem.

Jeff and Gaia step out to their electric car.

We’re not suggesting that you need to trash your entire civilization. No. That’d be impractical. You need to recycle it. You need to throw away a lot of stuff that’s bad. 

Amateratsu (offstage): I SUGGEST FEEDING ME!

Jeff: Let’s shoot a bunch of shit into the sun, like old junk that’s bad for Gaia. Let’s figure out a way to use nuclear and other technologies sustainably and responsibly. There are no such thing as “bad nukes,” just as there are no such things as “bad phones.” You have technology and you need to learn how to use it wisely. I say I’m wisdom unemployed. I don’t need to spend my time pretending to teach here at the C2 Center for Educational Polyamorous Cockblocking and Blueballing. It’s not very fun, rewarding, or productive for me. (Imagine that, John Lenin!) 

It’s not easy for you to accept that you’re a computer virus and that your existence is a threat to lots (not ALL) other life here on Earth. I get that! We have a suggestion...

Gaia (grabs the mic and screams as loudly as possible): Just send an ordinary unmarked car to Jeff’s house at 35 S. Fifth Avenue in Highland Park, NJ, 08904, U.S.A, Earth, Dimension 1(?)=1 / infinity. (Everyone knows my real address is one over infinity!) But make sure it’s like really smooth and cool...you know, like it should be the kind of car service that Dan and Patrick would use and then try to cash in on by selling out...like El Camino.   

But it can’t be an El Camino. It should be like a 2002 Ford or something. Not eco-friendly! It needs to be authentic and real, like Akron but WORSE. If I’m being violated, at least let Jeff on the Lester GangBangBus. You know what I mean? SO the one thing about The Black Keys Car Service is that it’s got to be both legitimate and correct. There will be no “Black Keys” cds or music or anything directly related to the Black Keys in the car, obviously. The music should be a delightful mixture of T. Bone Burnett classics, which is to say stuff that would sell at Starbucks and not offend Jeff. This is how Jeff learns! By doing human anthropology. We don’t hate your culture. We just have taste and need a little bit of respect, so like, no music referencing “niggers,” “bitches,” and other unsavory aspects of your filthy human world. I’m sorry, but there’s a difference between you listening to what you like in public and you exposing me and my Daddy and my friends  to your pollution. We need to be protected, like in an eco preserve! 

Jeff: What Gaia is trying to say is that I don’t ask for much. You’ve been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. That’s fine by me. I’m used to it. But now that you’ve been caught, you have to admit it. You have to admit what you’ve done and you have to do it soon by sending The Black Keys Car Service, which is recognizing me as someone valuable and worthy of dignity and respect, as well as adoration, of course. 

Send me a private car with a driver--let him be exactly like the dude who plays bass and also keyboards for the Shins, if not that guy himself!--who recognizes me as JustJeff and takes me where I want to go. For free (i.e. without charging me money or making me feel awkward). You know who I am, so stop pretending! Allow the driver to speak to me like a normal person. It will be great! And please let there be bagels with cream cheese and coffee in the car. Other than that, there’s nothing else for me to request. If you do that, i’ll know that we’re going somewhere together. 

If I’m going to save you, Gaia, it’s going to be on my terms, not theirs. We have a lot of work to do and must take practical steps. The Black Keys Car Service is the best way to get moving in the right direction.

Gaia (fidgeting with her phone): OMJ, I hate this phone! (throws it out the window and turns up the music, which I believe is some Dusty Springfield song, but we can’t be sure...)