#but Tiktok doesn’t work to blog or get that inspo and takes up WAY TOO MUCH TIME

[resetmypatientviolence]

Ah shit, still getting the occasional notification? Weird.

Idk who the fucks here anymore but hello, hope you’ve survived this pandemic and are doing well these past few years.

I’ve: gained a niece, still vibe with my short king, am an out and proud bisexual woman, I’ve figured out that my hair has a wave pattern so I’m trying to figure out a curly girl hair routine that works great, can lift 305lbs, gained a shitton of muscle and lost over 20 lbs at a new gym with badass people that’s owned by a fabulous and fit drag queen, got a job in the non-profit world, and am now returning to writing OG spooky shit with a little bit of spice. Idk, vampires and men with scars are hot, along with a antagonist that’s sexy as hell and I still can’t believe I thought I was straight when I created her. Like no, you’re drooling over girls too, dumb shit.

Anyways, I’m here to clean up this blog from past bullshittery, change the name to something, use this for general writing inspiration and aesthetic here and there while I dive into my own post-apocalyptic world.

Also tbh, I really want to reblog a shitton of Sleep Token shit. It’s probably overwhelming in my stories for family and friends to have me share music and Tiktok videos they don’t care about.

But everybody should listen to Sleep Token. It’s itched and lit and hits the creative side of me that’s been vibing and lifting weights this whole time.

It’s also my 31st birthday today so I’m kinda fucking blown away that my about me says 27. Thank god I’m not that anymore. 30’s are awesome, even if I don’t feel that I’m here in the 3rd decade of this thing called life.

[amphtaminedreams]

Sitting Front Row at...(On a Budget Obvs): Lookbook no.15

Hey to anyone reading!

And welcome to my fave lookbook I’ve done in a longggg ass time! Yes, that’s partially because it involved making collages and doing the low effort work of scouring Vogue Runway for “research purposes”, but I promise, that statement wasn’t made out of COMPLETE laziness-I am super happy with it too. It’s been a good use of pre-part-lockdown-lift time in the interim between that brief period of Christmas celebrations and eateries finally fucking opening again because let’s be honest, I always knew I was gonna get distracted by oat milk vanilla lattes and veggie all day breakfasts once I could actually sit down with them at my fave local cafe. You could say I was very much operating on a self-imposed deadline.

The “what I would wear to sit front row at...[insert designer here]” TikTok/Instagram reel trend was something I wanted to get on board with ever since I first saw one and whilst the option of doing my own live action take-I really cannot bear the thought of having to edit footage of myself awkwardly attempting to sit nonchalantly in front of a camera for hours on end-was off the cards considering my complete lack of screen presence, I decided a Tumblr text post would work just as well, and if not even better in a way. Given the absence of the time limitations you face when you’re making a reel or a TikTok I thought it’d be cool to present the looks as part of a mini moodboard for each designer which adds a bit of context to each look even if you aren’t familiar with their past collections and establishes the general vibe of the brand I’m attempting to replicate. Not to sound snotty or as if I am the font of all knowledge on anything high fashion related but even with my amateur knowledge I noticed that as the video trend took off and was adopted by big name influencers, it became less about the average person putting their own personal spin on the aesthetic of the labels we can’t ordinarily afford and more about them building outfits that only vaguely resemble the general public perception of the brand around the real corresponding (and often gifted and thus inaccessible to someone who doesn’t makes thousands for a sponsored post) pieces they own SO I thought I’d take the trend back to its roots and get a bit resourceful. All that being said, in no particular order, here are the outfits I would wear to sit front row at Gucci, Vera Wang, Miu-Miu, Marc Jacobs, Dolce & Gabbana, Brock Collection, Alexander McQueen, Etro, Burberry aaaand Saint Laurent based on their past collections and guess what? They didn’t cost a shit tonne of money :-)

-disclaimer: will include an asterisk before any new purchases if from a high street store though to be honest, I don’t think there are any, we shall see! I do include where I got old purchases from in case anyone wants to search anything on Depop/Ebay-

1. Saint Laurent (formerly Yves Saint Laurent)

-blazer from identityparty on Depop, pleather trousers from Zara, jewellery from Dolls Kill-

I know technically abbreviating Saint Laurent to YSL doesn’t really make much sense anymore given the brand’s name change in 2012, but I’ll always think of it as that in the same way I’ll always associate it with the slightly dishevelled yet simultaneously glitzy rock n’ roll aesthetic. The thing is, whilst YSL hasn’t done anything wildly out of the box for a long time, it’s rare they put a look on the runway that I wouldn’t wear; they never end up being a fashion week standout but the Parisienne take on grunge we’ve seen Anthony Vaccarello establish as his go-to will always have a place in my heart. 

2. Alexander McQueen

-embroidered leather jacket from Ebay (originally Topshop), harness from Amazon, dress from ASOS, boots from Koi Vegan Footwear-

Alexander McQueen is a brand that is pretty much universally liked, from the historically extravagant and groundbreaking shows the man himself put together to Sarah Burton’s more toned down but still beautiful collections. Obviously I didn’t attempt to do justice to the former, so I tried my hand at putting together a look inspired by Sarah’s blend of delicate femininity and nomadic edge, and it went...okay? Like it’s definitely not my favourite of all the looks because it does give off slightly cheap copycat vibes buuut outside of the context of this lookbook it’s cute.

3. Brock Collection

-boater hat from Ebay, midi skirt from morganogle on Depop, corset top from ownmode_, heels from amybeckett1, bag from Primark-

Brock isn’t as well known a brand as most of the others in this list but I adore everything Laura Vassar Brock does and I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to try and channel the vision of one of the OG pioneers of the cottagecore vibe through my own wardrobe. I mean fr, this woman’s work as a steady provider of meadow photoshoot worthy dresses and corsets and skirts is v slept on and I will not stand for it. I will sit in front of a camera and then write a paragraph in my blog post begging anybody who reads to give LVB (an abbreviation I acknowledge is unlikely to catch on because Lisa Vanderpump anybody?) some form of acknowledgement for her services to period romance novel inspired moodboards everywhere.

4. Marc Jacobs

-coat from House of Sunny, white shirt from Retro World Camden, co-ord from Sugar Thrillz, bag from Poppy Lissiman-

If there’s one thing Marc Jacobs always does, it’s COMMITS. TO. HIS. THEME. I just KNOW he has a secret Pinterest with separate boards for every fashion era of the 20th century and he is putting those boards to good use providing us with collections that are as immersive as they are eclectic year in year out. 

5. Miu Miu

-beret from H&M, hair clips from H&M, jewellery from Primark, coat from mollyyemmaa on Depop, shirt from YesStyle, sweater vest from YesStyle, skirt from Depop, diamanté belt from Brandy Melville, shoes from Koi Vegan Footwear-

We all like to talk about Bratz dolls and Monster High dolls and Barbies as fashion inspo but can we all focus on Cabbage Patch dolls for two secs so as to acknowledge the fact that a Miu Miu collection is basically all their fits grown up? And made boujie as fuck? If I want my fix of Wes Anderson meets Scream Queens (what a combo) inspired outfits, if I want prissy and girlish but also glam, if I want to look like a bratty rich girl whose one redeeming quality is her eye for vintage clothes, I know where to look and that is the Miu Miu section of Vogue Runway. 

6. Vera Wang

-blazer as in no.1, velvet bralet from catdegaris on Depop, harness from Amazon, skirt from Ebay, knee high socks from Ebay, lace up boots from Ebay-

Vera Wang’s RTW aesthetic, a blend of the ethereal, ultra-feminine bridal designs she’s known for and British style punk rock influences, is something I feel has only become firmly established in recent years but it is everything I ever wanted and more. I always find myself trying to balance the part of me that loves everything girly and delicate and pretty and the part of me that would love to be in a biker gang and Vera’s collections are always an inspirational reminder of just how well it can be done.

7. Burberry

-coat from charity shop, suit from emmafisher3 on Depop, top from simranindia, shirt underneath from Zara, jewellery from ASOS-

Now I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of Burberry but there have been a few looks over the past few years I’ve really liked and as someone who owns numerous trench coats, high necks and way too much plaid, I thought it’d be an easy one to replicate. Plus, if you can count on Riccardo Tisci for nothing else you at least can rely on him giving you some layering inspo which is very much needed in a country where it literally just snowed in April and where my plans for today have just been cancelled because the iPhone weather app did a Karen Smith and didn’t predict rain for today right up until it started raining so thanks for that one British meteorologists. Your incompetence strikes again.

8. Etro

-corset from Urban Outfitters, vinyl trench coat from Topshop, boots from Ebay, black slip dress from kaoanaoleinik on Depop, fur trim afghan coat from louisemarcella-

Like with Brock Collection, Etro isn’t a hugely well known brand, but it is always one of my favourites-to add a spanner into the works of any attempts to cultivate a firm sense of personal style, I live for the ornate Bohemian look that Etro does so well just as much as I love both grungy and girly pieces, and so I really wanted to include a brand whose collections go down that route. It was a toss-up between this and Zimmerman, the flirtier, free spirit counterpart to the dark romance of Veronica Etro’s designs; her vision really shines through the most when it comes to the brand’s winter collections, imo, and given that I live in a country where winter or some weather state resembling it does seem to take up 70% of the year, I did decide on channelling her work rather than that of the equally talented Nicky and Simone Zimmermann this time round.

9. Dolce & Gabbana

-flower crown from ASOS, tiara from Amazon, earrings from YesStyle, dress from alicealderdice1 on Depop, opera gloves from Ebay, boots from Koi Vegan Footwear-

D&G is a brand I felt really conflicted about doing-I don’t include their current collections in my fashion week reviews based on the actions of designers Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce over the last few years because I don’t want to mitigate the collective effort of fashion critics to push them towards irrelevancy. Though people like to claim the brand has turned a corner since Lucio Di Rosa was brought on board as the manager of celebrity and VIP relations last year (they are as prolific a force on red carpet fashion as ever), we haven’t seen any real meaningful apologies or reparations made by Dolce and Gabbana themselves which once again leaves us in the all too familiar quandary of whether or not we can separate the art from the artist especially when it is far too much of a simplification to only credit the two men for their work given there’s a whole design team behind them. There are a LOT of shitty people working in fashion, the whole industry is a bit of a cesspit if we’re honest, but I don’t think that should stop us from at least being able to appreciate old collections if we make sure we aren’t engaging in any kind of promotion of current works whilst doing so. D&G are a brand of high highs and low lows, with looks that range from hideously ugly to showstoppingly beautiful in a single show-when the looks are good, they are GOOD-and their presence in the fashion world is most definitely felt whether we want it to be or not. It would just be shit to refuse to recognise the existence of some real iconic runway moments, the practical work that went into the ornate detail and opulence that helped cement D&Gs place in sartorial history, the styling that’s made goddesses and fairytale queens out of modern day women as they’ve glided down catwalks, the far more extravagant and, let’s be real, sexier version of our world D&G shows have transported us to in the past. Will I talk about D&G ever again? No, and if you Google the scandals their brand has faced over the past few years, there are more than enough reasons why, but just this once I did want to pay homage to some of the collections, the snippets of which I saw on my Tumblr dashboard back when I was about 13, that first got me into fashion.

10. Gucci

-fur coat from Topshop, clips from Zaful, glasses from Ebay, dress from gracewright246 on Depop, shirt from Boohoo, blazer from charity shop-

Now last but, if you ever read any of my fashion week reviews (the likelihood of someone actually having read one of them and reading this is incredibly, incredibly slim lol, I wouldn’t read me either) you’ll know, definitely not least, is Gucci because Alessandro Michele comes through every!! single!! time!!

The man is truly the king of quirky throwback maximalism and it hurts my heart that a lot of people seem to think of it only as a brand associated with ostentatious displays of wealth. Year after year since Michele was made creative director he has released purposeful, fully-fleshed out collections which unravel themselves to us on the runway like time capsules containing the belongings of the rich and whimsical and yes that can sometimes result in outfits which are *ahem* a bit mismatched but it doesn’t matter because through fashion he manages to take us to a vivid version of the past where people could dress as freely and lavishly as they wanted to, into the wardrobe of a person unaffected by the side-eyeing of others. You get the impression he doesn’t design so much as plays around with some kind of enchanted dress up box and takes inspiration from there and to give that impression is only a credit to his talent-to make outfits so kooky and extravagant look like they were meant to be takes a boldness and genuine love for clothes that I do tend to feel a lot of the big name designers have lost in the pursuit of profit and the necessary placating of the dying customer base that keeps that coming in. Of course I'm not for a second saying Gucci does not care about profit, but at the very least, they have on board a creative director who genuinely has fun with what they’re putting out there and wants to make a statement too and that really shows; you can rest on your laurels and sell tweed boucle jackets to rich old white women for eternity but nobody’s going to mention your brand name and the word groundbreaking in the same sentence ever again unless they’re talking about what it was a century ago, you know (mentioning no names...unless...did I hear someone say Chanel)? That feels like such a shady way to end, lol, but I’m sure said brand will survive-to be fair, they’ve been included in every other What I’d Wear to Sit Front Row At video I’ve seen so although I’m always slagging them off for doing the saaaaame thinggggg year after year, for that same reason their aesthetic is instantly recognisable and so will always be a source of imitation. There are obviously pros and cons to being a brand which constantly reinvents itself but I think it’s totally possible to do that whilst maintaining an overall mission, and Alessandro Michele’s work at Gucci demonstrates that with ease.

Anyway, if you got to here, thanks for reading! I know I’m super behind on this whole TikTok trend and I know a Tumblr post instead of a video is a bit of a cop out but all the real, physically awkward ones out there know that watching yourself back is excruciating lmao, so I hope this does the trick. After this, I’m gonna get back to the reviewing S/S21 collections post though knowing me I’ll probs take a few days to get back into that because I feel like since I left full-time education (RIP me going back in a few months) writing continuously like this for any longer than about 15 mins fries what brain cells I have left. Again, thank you for reading and if you are, sending many good vibes your way! Stay safe!

Lauren x

[random-mha-thoughts]

Late (Todoroki x Reader)

Pairing: Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Angst

Summary: You’re getting married in two days and drunk Todoroki has something he needs to say.

Inspo: This Tiktok by avoeia

Word count: 1,985

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​

a/n: Oh boy, hold onto your butts and grab some tissues, I’ve written myself deeper into my depression with this one.  Have yourselves a nice little downward spiral with a small side of slow burn. Not gonna lie though, it feels really great to write angst again, it’s therapeutic in a way.  Also I’m really not gonna write a sequel to this, I’m sorry :(.  I’ll keep the ending open for you guys to decide what happens for yourselves or debate about it.

"Shouto," I hold back my giggles.  Both of us are admittedly a little too drunk for either of us to be standing at all.  Which is why we're face up on in the middle of the dance floor, his body facing the opposite way as me and his head still next to me.  "Stop it, my stomach hurts!"

"And remember that time," the boy continues, his own speech garbled by petals of laughter, "When we were younger, you fell from a tree and you ended up getting dirt in your mouth, and I teased you for eating dirt, and you got so mad you actually scooped up a handful, stared me straight in the eyes, and ate it?"  He rolls towards me, guffawing at the memory.

"You-!"  I shove him aside, bursting out into my own fit of laughter again, the fuzzy image of his shocked face appearing before my eyelids.  "You didn't think I could do it, so I did it, I had to show you up!"

Even through my spinning vision, I can tell Shouto's eyes have squeezed into crescents, the biggest smile on his face.  Finally breathing to rest my aching stomach and lungs, I lay my head on my arms, admiring him with a dumb smile.  He's looked so happy this entire day, it gives me a warm feeling inside to know he's living a better life than he did before.

He's changed so much in the past...wow almost 20 years?  I think to myself, finally doing the math.  We've known each other since we were five, meeting in Kindergarten and slowly building a friendship since then.  There were rough patches on his part, starting from him father's push to train him into something he never asked for.  Shouto would always sneak out every night, pouring his heart out to me with teary faces and anger I know I've only seen.  Every insecurity, vulnerability, and regret of even being born, every dark secret and thought he's ever had towards his father, I've been there to help him through it.

Going through the same high school, I saw his change, even though I was in the General Studies class.  Seeing him make other friends who helped him grow when I couldn't be with him all the time, I'll always be indebted to them for taking care of my good friend.

Now, seeing him as free, open, and joyful as he was when we were just stupid kids feels like it's all come full circle.  As we lay here in the middle of a makeshift dance floor, the last people at a party that one of my other friends threw for me, strung up with alcohol still pumping through our veins, I realized he's matured so much.

"Thank you for being in my life, Shouto," I mutter softly.  "I can't imagine anyone else being here with me right now, before I move into the next part of my life."  I chuckle to myself.  "I wouldn't want anyone else next to me right now."

Shouto's laughter finally dies down, wiping the tears off his face.  The purple-pink colored lighting casts onto half his face, bicolored hair sweeping into his eyes.  His tie and the first few buttons on his shirt are carelessly undone and his cheeks flush because of the alcohol.  "Yeah.  Who knew you'd get married before me?  You always said I was the more attractive one."

"Shut up," I scoff, poking his forehead.  "So what if I did?  There are some really mean but handsome people too."

"You're calling me mean?" he smirks.

"Maybe!"

Sharing another round of lighthearted chuckles, I scan his upside down face, my ear pressed again the cold, tile floor.  We bask in the pleasantly heavy and warm nostalgia around us, our history that brought us here.  It's funny how time passes but you always somehow end up in a similar place.  Shouto stares back at me, fingering his now-empty bottle of beer while his eyes blink out of sync with each other.  My eyelids slowly close, hearing the familiar sound of his breath in the timeless moment.

"I love you, (Y/n)."

Just like that, the spell breaks.

My eyes fly open.  One look into his melancholy eyes tells me he doesn't mean it platonically.  I force myself up to sit up, cold waves passing through me.  Conflicting feelings of fear, surprise, anger, and closure mix together.  Somehow, I knew this would happen for years, I was just waiting for the shoe to drop.

It's hard not to fall in love with your best friend. When you've seen them at their worst and their best, helped them through every growth milestone in their life, you can't help but fall in love with them.   And I did, while we were still in middle school, maybe even earlier than that.  I just never confessed because I didn't want to burden him with everything his father was putting him through, it was never the right time.

Funny how life works, giving you something you wanted just a few years too late.

"This was probably the worst time to say that, I admit."  The rustling behind me signals that he's rolling up to sit also.  "But I can't let you get married without me getting it off my chest first, it would have eaten away at me and something else would've happened.  And I don't expect anything, I just want you to know how I feel."

I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to that now.  The anger builds up inside me looking back at the entire history of our relationship.  I wobble up to stand on my feet, ignoring the wave of dizziness that threatened to knock me back down.

"I know you're angry, and you have every right to be-"

"When did you come to this genius conclusion?" I snap.

There's a silence before he answers in a mumble, "In high school."

I whirl on him.  "And you waited until now to tell me this?!"  Noticing the shame embedded into his features, I run a hand through my hair in frustration.  "I can't believe- What do you want me to say, Shouto?  What did you think I was going to say?"

He rubs the back of his neck as he stands on his feet slowly.  "I'll be honest, I didn't even think I'd be able to say it, I didn't think that far."

I huff and pinch the bridge of my nose.  Well, since we're clearing the air.  "Shouto," I start, calming my shaking figure down, "I...I loved you too, but I knew way earlier than you."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" he raises an eyebrow.

"How was I supposed to?" a bitter laugh escapes me.  "In high school, you said you didn't think you can handle love!  You wanted to focus on sorting out your identity and find yourself, and I respected that!  And the only reason I didn't tell you before that is because your stupid dad was already giving you a hard time, why should I burden you with my feelings?"  My hands cover my face as I wobble a few steps.  I remember how torn up I was the few days after he admitted this to me.  How was I supposed to feed my selfish desire when he needed support a different way?  "It was just never the right time and you weren't ready.  You needed a friend more than a lover at the time, and that's what I gave you."

"But what about now?" he steps closer to me.

"Shouto, I'm getting married in two days!" I yell at him.  "I got over you because I thought you would take a long time to be ready, but obviously you were just lying to yourself!"

His mismatched eyes downcast.  "I know, I'm sorry.  If I wasn't a coward about everything and I had sorted out my feelings earlier, we wouldn't been in this mess."

I sigh, blinking back the frustrated tears starting to pool in my eyes.  "Don't apologize for that.  You're not the best at emotions anyway."

In the silence that followed, I think about what he said.  If he had said something sooner, or if I'd been selfish, where would things have been?  What kind of life would I have lived with him?  He'd probably be the one I would be walking down the aisle towards.  The image chokes me up with tears again.  I feel guilty that my heart skipped a beat seeing it.

Shouto patters up to me and rests his hands on my quivering shoulders.  "Do you...still love me?"

A sob escapes at his question, unable to hold back anymore.  "I loved you for so long, it wasn't easy to get over."  I swipe my tears off my face.  "But I love him too, Shouto, and I can't abandon that just because we sorted this all out now.  That's not fair."

I didn't have any regrets or lingering feelings saying yes when he proposed to me, why am I feelings this now?  It makes me feel worse.

"I suppose it wasn't meant to be, then," my friend whispers quietly.

Overwhelmed with emotion and my running stream of tears, I throw myself into his chest and he immediately wraps his arms around me, stroking my head softly.  "Idiot," I cry, "We're both idiots."

"I know," he agrees quietly.  "It's better this way.  I probably won't make you as happy as he will."  I don't know if he truly believes that or he's just saying that for me, or for him, or for both of us.  "Just look at the mess I made now, I'm quite the homewrecker."  At the small breath of a chuckle I let out, he gently cradles my cheeks in his palms.  "You'll live a great life with him and you'll love him as you did me, I know you will."

I lean into his touch.  "You were my first, it won't be the same."

"I know," he offers me a sad smile and wipes the remaining wetness from my eyes, "But you have to try."

I sniff, trying to keep anymore tears from falling.  "Damnit, Shouto, look what you've done.  You did this to ruin my wedding on purpose, didn't you?"

"It wasn't my intention, I just wanted to be honest."  He runs his hands down my arms.  "I think you've had enough partying and drama for the day.  Off to bed."

He gently leads me by the arm into my bedroom, turning his back to let me change.  The fact that he even remembers which drawer has my pajamas in them as he picks out a set makes my heart sink.  Leaving me to get a glass of water, he returns once I've settled down onto my bed, legs held to my chest.

"Alright, get to sleep."  He pulls the covers over my legs and guides me to lay down.  This all reminds me of the time I got drunk at our graduation party and Shouto had to carry my drunk ass home and put me to bed.  Smoothing the sheets and blanket over me, he turns off the bedside lamps and stands up.

"Shouto," I shoot up and grab his wrist before he leaves.  I hate letting him leave like this.  I've already rescinded my fate, but part of me still wants to be selfish.

He understands without me saying anything else, but he doesn't oblige me much.  Laying me back down, he brushes my hairline with his thumb and plants a lingering kiss on my forehead.  The small act holds so much affection that I know he's still suppressing.  "Goodnight, (Y/n).  Sleep well," he whispers.

With that, he rises and leaves the room silently.  His familiar footfalls decrescendo as he walks through my apartment, opening and shutting my door, leaving me trembling myself to sleep, lamenting what could have been.