#but Nikolai's so much like a foil I feel

[kikizoshi]

Sometimes I ask myself, 'Why does no one ever talk about how much of a foil to Kunikida Nikolai seems?'

And then I remember, 'Ah, that's right. Everyone else thinks reasonably.'

[deonsx]

If They Cheat On You Revenge

Part2!

Feat: Dazai, Chuuya, Fyodor, Nikolai, Jouno

Content: Cheating Revenge

Not:You have a chance to choose the next story below, don't forget to vote

Dazai Osamu

After that incident, everything became worthless to you. You were afraid that the man you valued more than yourself would betray you and drive you to suicide. How could he do this to you? You were still in the same house because Dazai said that he would leave that house and at least he wouldn't be able to take the house full of memories from you. A week has passed since this incident and now Dazai was only coming home to take his clothes, he was taking his memories at home to erase them more and more day by day

One day you decided to go out. You wanted to give yourself what you needed to get yourself out of this darkness. Of course, you didn't decide to do this alone. Chuuya-san, Osamu's closest partner, heard about your incident and called you

You met and talked for a long time, Chuuya was really interested in you, he was always Dazai and your closest mutual friend, you used to meet, but now the wheels have changed and the man you thought you would marry and live with forever..he touched the skin of a another woman

"Why don't you leave that house, s/o? There's no point in being in a house full of bad memories anymore." When he told you this, you thought he was right and you decided to go home together and collect your belongings. As you were taking your steps towards the house, you saw your door open and heard a woman's voice. "My love, Should I take these too?"

You saw a woman right in front of the door, she was taking your belongings and throwing them away one by one. "How dare you put your hands in my house!" You looked at the woman who quickly dropped the frame in her hand with your shout. You looked at your ex and the woman he cheated on you with. "I-I just.." she try to talk, Chuuya stepped into the house and gave the woman a hard look, "I see you have your eye on my relationship with s/o, chuuya" Osamu was hateful but tried to stay calm, Chuuya just chuckled "Shame on you..you prefer silver to gold, Don't you even dare talk to her”

Chuuya Nakahara

After that day, everything changed. You left the house you lived in to never see his face again. You came across your old friend Osamu. "My my! This beauty? Why does Chuuya leave you alone? Is he still at work like this?" You were in the agency's cafe and suddenly your eyes filled with tears as if it hurt you. When you saw this, the brunette's face became serious. "What's going on, s/o?"

You felt a lump in your throat and you couldn't stop crying. Osamu narrowed his eyes as he gently held your chin and wiped away your tears. "I understand..so he chose another woman over you." Even though you were amazed at his intelligence, you felt very helpless and continued to cry on his chest

You spent your days talking to him and he made you feel good. One day, while you were laughing with Dazai about something, you heard the sound of the door opening behind you, but since your back was turned, you didn't feel the need to look. "So I guess I wasn't the only one who was behind someone back all this time." That familiar voice.. for months. The voice you didn't hear rang in your ear. You were afraid to turn around, but Dazai's voice protected you

"Who is this pathetic man? It's doubtful that you can even talk yet" Dazai grinned and mocked the red haired man "So you've had your eyes on my girlfriend all this time? I should have guessed" Chuuya got angry and the force of gravity covered the surroundings "You're the one who cheated and you're still so daring? Try and Beat me if you dare"

Fyodor Dostoyevski

After everything you've been through, you didn't want the fraud committed on you to go unanswered, so you did the only thing that could hurt your lover... you decided to expose his plans, you took all the documents, messages, records and foiled Fyodor's plans one by one

Fyodor trusted you very much even when he was cheating on you.. you gained his miraculous trust, you took every penny of the money in his bank and gave the crime documents and plans to the Detective agency, that is, his enemies, of course you did not leave it like that, his current biggest enemy "Dazai Osamu, you are finally here" everything in one day you did

You met him in one of the back dark alleys "These documents..why are you giving them to me? What do you want in return" You gave a deep breath and shook your head "the best thing you can give me is Fyodor's collapse Osamu" You grinned and just winked and left, Your phone start ringing after couple hours, you knew this sound, Fyodor Dostoyevsky

You answered your ex's phone with a look of happiness on your face "You..What the hell are you doing s/o?" You heard the tense voice coming from the other end of the phone, seemingly calm but eating at you inside, "What have I done, dear?" The phone hung up on you as soon as you asked this, his next move was obvious, he was coming for you

Finally a black silhouette appeared at the door and opened it quickly "Very rude Fyodor" You spoke to him mockingly "How long have you been on the different side s/o" you squinted your eyes as you looked into his purple irises he still thought he didn't know what he was doing "Ever since my beautiful lover held someone else in his arms"

Nikolai Gogol

Even if you found out that he was cheating on you, you did not want to abort your child, the fruit of your relationship and love. You were very indecisive at first, but now you had a due date and were waiting for the day to come. You did not leave the house during your pregnancy, you were all alone except for your friends who visited you

At the end of 8 months, at the insistence of your friends, they took you to a nice restaurant a few days before the birth to celebrate it in advance. "I can bet that she will look like her aunt!" Your friend said, laughing and looking at the others, Your daughter was going to be your daughter, but she would grow up without a father

"I bet he will look like me the most " You made a bet with your friends and it was a night you had a lot of fun. Your friends offered to take you home, but after a long time you wanted to walk by yourself and now you were walking alone on the street, accompanied by a white street lamp that turned on from time to time, towards your house

“S/o..?” That familiar voice that made you freeze where you were.. you wanted to turn around but at the same time you didn't want to see his face. When his hand touched your shoulder, you quickly backed away. "Don't touch me." When you turned towards him, he looked at your swollen belly. "Is this baby.. our child?" Silence surrounded you, you did not answer him, with the sudden tension, you were about to fall to the ground in pain, Nikolai quickly held you

Your birth had started, Nikolai quickly took you in his arms and brought you to the hospital, and now you had your child in the hospital, whom you had been waiting for 8 months. She looked like his father with white hair and colorful eyes. He looks like his father. There is a Nikolai looking at her longingly, but you were not going to let him touch this child. "Go away." you protected her from his as you hugged him "S/o...please let me love her" he said with his eyes narrowed and his voice trembling "Just the fact that you looked at her is a blessing I gave you, don't come near us again”

Jouno Saigiku

You couldn't believe that the love you had given for years was so simplified. He had been cheating on you for 5 months, and while looking into your eyes, "It's been 5 months, s/o." What he said pierced your heart with a sharp arrow

You quickly slapped him and let your eyes fill with tears "You fucking! How could you do this to me!?" you kept hitting him and your eyes were burning in pain, "Get out of my house right now! GET OUT!" You quickly kicked him out of the house and vowed to end him

You tried to get yourself together for 1-2 days and then you went to your rivals' agency. When you entered, everyone took cover. "I came here to do something important..detectives agency." You gave all the information you could about him. It didn't take long for them to trust you of course, it took them months. A total of 1 year later... Your big plan was ready, finally the agency decided to raid their headquarters and you were going to kill him there

Everyone dispersed as planned and in the end you trapped them all but you did something that wasn't included in the plan and locked you in the same room with him "You are finally here...finally" you spoke as you walked towards him. When he tried to use his ability you quickly drew your sword and caught him at his weakest point..you always knew him. you learned everything and now you were his rival

You put the gun to his head.. But you didn't, you couldn't pull that damn trigger. Your hand shook. In the face of the man you believed would make you happy for the rest of your life.. That person wasn't the person you wanted anymore. "I'm not someone like you, Jouno, I won't kill you like you killed me”

Enjoy!

[sofasoap]

A quiet moment - Lastochka

Pairing : Nikolai x F!Reader ( OC/Mini MacTavish) + Taskforce 141 + König

Summary: Little Anya getting all the love from her family.

Part I , Part II, Interlude,Part III,Part IV,Part V,Epilogue, Night

WARNING: Mature theme, talk of pregnancy, swearing, slight hint of sexy time

Thanks to @homicidal-slvt for planting ideas into my brain. this whole series is all for you :)

My usual thanking @saltofmercury, mother of Mini, for lending me the character :) Please go and check out her fics!

“masterlist” for Mini MacTavish expanded verse.

Nikolai can hear you groaning over the headset, in discomfort. But he couldn’t see what was happening. They are flying over a danger zone, he can’t afford to lose his concentration nor tear his eyes off from the sky, no matter how much he wants to turn around, and check up on you physically. He has noticed you haven’t really been yourself in the last month or so. Often wake up groggy, exhausted all day, and losing appetite. He is seriously starting to worry there might be something wrong with you. You are currently bending over, head in your hand and legs curled up in your seat, trying everything to distract yourself from the nauseating feeling that hits you in waves every time there is a slight turbulence, shaking the helicopter.

“Um… Uh, You ok??” König asked, trying to pat you on the back clumsily. Letting out another groan, you threw your headset to the side, curling up even further into your seat, into a foetus position. Slightly panicking, König reached into one of his side pouches, where he brought out a little tin container. Opening it up, he took out a piece of candied lemon ginger from there and stuffed it into your hand. “Ah, have this, I , um, get motion sickness sometimes, and um, this usually helps.” he stammered as he explains, encouraging you to put the candy into your mouth, hoping to give you a bit of relief. Turning your head slightly with watery eyes, you nodded your head, and quickly putting the candy into your mouth. Getting slight relief from the tanginess of the lemon and spiciness of the ginger, you turn onto your side, leaning your head against the back of the pilot seat. “Give me comfort to have my wife as close to me as possible.” Nikolai said once when you question why he always insists on you sitting right behind him. Now you are glad you have something to lean against, other than trying to lean against König, which you are sure the giant soldier probably will get a panic attack if you do that. With a shaky hand, you pointed to the med kit on the other side of the helicopter, mumbling something. König leaned closer and asked you to repeat.

‘.... ondansetron…..med kit… pass it to me please…” you said weakly. You knew you should have taken it this morning before boarding the flight.  But went against it because you didn’t want to fall asleep during the mission. 

Quickly unbuckle his seat belt, passing other soldiers as he stride over to grab the medication you needed, and pass it onto you. Breaking the foil and putting it under your tongue, try to let your mind wander, and think of everything else other than the breakfast and bile that is threatening to come back up, at the same time praying the anti-nausea medication will kick in ASAP.

König took his headset off, leaning closer, trying to be discreet, “Not trying to be nosy but um, my wife.. She had similar symptoms when she was… you know.” motioning with his large hand, indicating a large stomach. 

You feel like someone has dumped a bucketful of cold water over your head. Shit, you forgot that might be the possibility. But… you have a birth control implant. That’s when you realised, it has expired. For quite a while too. CRAP.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Fidgeting with his hand as he reassured you,you nodded your head with gratitude, thanking him for looking after you.  He pressed the small tin box with the candy into your hand. “Here have this, just in case um, you need it again.” Opening your eyes wide, you shook your head, trying to decline.

‘It’s ok. I can make more.” “You, you made this?” Gosh, that was a surprise.

Twiddling his thumb, he confessed, “I .. I like baking. And um, carving.” Your eyes brightened up. Two of you spend the rest of the flight discussing recipes, and exchanging your famous chocolate biscuit recipe for his Oma’s mouth watering apple strudel recipe. It was a welcoming distraction until the helicopter came to land.

Nikolai found you lying down across the seat, lazily waving goodbye to the soldiers as they departed for their mission. 

“Hey.” You greeted your husband with half closed eyes, the medication has finally kicked in, so has the side effect.

Frowning as he gently moves your head into his lap and caresses your face, “What’s going on little bird, I am seriously worrying about you lately.” “Nothing. Just getting a bit air sick.”Closing your eyes as you enjoy his loving touches, and trying to dismiss his concerns. Not wanting to fuss about you and letting him in on the news until you are a hundred percent sure. There is a chance maybe you ate something that doesn’t agree with you, or maybe you are getting a bit old, and motion sickness gets you easier now. But deep down, you are pretty certain the cause of the discomfort. “You never get motion sickness. At least not when I am piloting.” He puffed with pride. “I know how your brain works, little bird, tell me what is wrong.” He can always read your thoughts. When you are hiding something. When you are uncomfortable. When you pretend to be strong. “I really don’t know.” You are scared. Scared by his reaction to a possible new addition to the family? Or are you scared that after finally working your way back to active duty, you will be pushed back to sitting in the barrack again, that feeling of uselessness coming back to you again. Taking a deep breath and circling your arm around his waist, “Maybe it’s something I ate. I’ll get it checked out once we are back at the base.” 

“Promise me you will?” He gave you a look of warning. He knows you too well. You will put things off until the last minute or until necessary.

“Yes love. I will.” burying your face into his abs, taking in his scent, giving you some comfort. Not yet. Just to keep it to yourself a little bit longer..

“Positive?????” “Positive. Congratulations.��� 

Chameleon passed you the pregnancy stick and blood test result. “Now you know what that means right?”

Your shoulders drop. Rubbing your forehead, you know you have to stop all active duty pretty much from now on. You are going to miss looking after the team from the frontline. 

“How did you do it?” You asked after staring at the piece of paper in front of you. Signing off another few documents,she replied,“ Well,I guess my situation is slightly different, I rarely get sent out, so it was easier for me. But.” passing the prescriptions to you, “You know how much John fusses over things, he was texting every hour, if they weren’t going dark,asking how I was feeling.” She sighed. 

You can just imagine the Captain hovering around his wife, nagging away like a mother hen. Letting out a snorting laugh, you took the documents from her. 

“Anyway, go get some rest. I’ll file the reports to the HR tomorrow. But it’s up to you to break the news to the boys now.” She smiled. You gave her a big hug before you left the infirmary, back to your shared room. You don’t know how long you have sat there for, zoning out, thinking of ways to break the news to the team. Or to your husband first. Also trying to fully come to terms with the situation, another big twist to your life. The two of you have briefly talked about the possibility of starting a family when you first got married. You were quite reluctant to jump into it after trying to recover from your ordeal, and Nikolai never mentioned anything again, and you assumed either he wasn’t too keen to bring up the subject or he had given up on the idea. You heard the soft click of the door unlocking, before seeing Nikolai stepping into the room. Calling out to him with a wavering voice, lips trembling, trying hard to contain the tears that are threatening to drop from your eyes. Those damn hormones are already wrecking your emotions, you thought. Why are you even crying???? It’s a happy occasion isn’t it? That self doubt starts to appear again. What if he gets angry at you? What if he doesn’t want the child at all? On that thought you bursted out crying. Nikolai immediately closes the door, taking a few steps forward and kneeling in front of you. “What’s the matter Lastochka, was it bad news from the doctor? Please tell me?” He gently wraps his larger hands around yours, encouraging you to talk. 

Trying very hard not to hyperventilate, you closed your eyes, taking a few deep breath before Letting out the news. “I .. I can’t be with you anymore….” you hiccuped. You feel his hand tighten around yours. Opening your eyes, you can see flashes of fear before staring at you with hardened eyes.  

Realising your mistake, you quickly explain, “ No. nono, that came out totally wrong.” you quickly pull back his already retracting hands, guiding it towards your now slightly showing bump. “I can’t go on missions with you boys anymore. Lady Fortuna is officially off active duty now.” you let out a weak chuckle. “ and you.” Patting his hand and softening your gaze at him, “Have to start learning to be a Papa.” He was still staring at you, you couldn’t figure out his emotion at all. You chewed on your lip, waiting anxiously for his reaction. Pulling one of his hands away, his eyes dropped down to your stomach, slowly caressing it as he started mumbling words in Russian. Your eyes fill up with tears again as you see him showing tenderness towards the unborn baby.

“...Boy or girl?” he whispered. Shaking your head. “I am not sure yet. I am going for the scan in a few days.” “How far along?” 

“I am guessing I am still in the first trimester….” You didn’t want to say, but you had a pretty good idea when this happened…. 

That night was the first time he showed his full possessiveness towards you. Filling you up again and again.“That Сука has tainted my beautiful Lastochka with their filthy hand…” “I have told you before, you will only crave for me, no one else.”

“My beautiful bird,sing for me again.. I know you can do it..” 

Your face starts burning when you think back to the night. “From that covert mission?” he chuckled. “We were.. Quite busy that night.” standing up, he moved himself to sit beside you, and pull you into his lap. 

“Thank you.” He whispered as he slowly and gently kisses you.

“For what?” you murmured.

“Carrying our child.” You chuckled. “Hey, you were part of the production as well.” you teased. “It’s only the start of the journey. We still have a long way to go.” Caressing your bump, he cooed, “Well, can’t wait to meet you, our little nestling.” 

“COME ON Anya, come to uncle Gaz!!!” “Nonono Anya, come to your REAL uncle here!!” 

“....... “ Ghost sits there, opening his arm, staring down at the baby without a word. “Ignore those .. What is the word, bampots? Come to Poppy Price.” Little Anya crawled forward, looking at each one of them, confused. She slowly moves towards Gaz, who is waving one of his latest crochet dolls at her, trying to lure the baby. Anya pouted a little, and looked at her Uncle Soap, currently flashing a brilliant smile at his niece. Anya hesitated, and eyed Ghost, and her eyes went wide with tears in her eyes, and started quickly crawling towards Price. “There there.. It’s ok.” Price cooed and patted the poor baby as she burst into tears, startled by Ghost’s balaclava. Ghost hung his head, shoulders down, feeling defeated. Gaz and Soap gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “ Maybe lose the balaclava and just wear a face mask next time…” Gaz suggested. Stuffing one of the dolls into his hand, “Or maybe try this.” 

The four men were in quite a shock when you called them into Price’s office days after your discovery. 

Sliding the ultrasound picture onto the desk. All four of them stared at it, looking up to you, and back to the photo, and seconds later, Ghost, Gaz and Soap erupted into an argument over who is going to be the godfather to the baby, while Price rubbing his temple, irritated at their antics.

You shifted yourself off base towards the end of the pregnancy, getting ready for the birth.  Price helped you to find a place, close to the base, easy for you to go back and forth for work and visiting. 

The soldiers at the base also have secretly named Ghost Gaz and Soap “Cerberus” as there is always one of the men walking around with you all the time like a guard dog whenever Nikolai isn’t around to look after you.

Little Anya was definitely spoiled by his godfathers and uncles even before she was born.

König and his wife sent a baby gift in a huge crate. You found all sorts of things there. Blankets and winter clothes his wife has made, wooden toys and baby mobiles with aeroplane and helicopter hanging off it made by König. Even a rocking horse. You were really touched by the thoughtfulness of the couple, especially his wife, who you never met before.

This fired up Gaz’s competitiveness when he discovered all the clothing and toys König had sent. He came over one day with a huge bag, inside was all the crocheted dolls of everyone.

Price with his signature boonie hat and little cigar in his mouth, Soap with his mohawk, Gaz with his Union Jack cap, Nikolai and his aviator and headset, and there is you too, in a little combat gear. Konig in his hood and gears. He even asked for photos of your parents crocheting new doll figures afterwards too. 

“You made all these?????” Your jaws drop as he keeps bringing over new knitted items. Now you know where all your previous birthday and holiday gifts came from, you always wondered how everything fits you perfectly with all the unique patterns. Gaz has really surprised you with his unexpected handcraft skills. Soap and Ghost practically decorated the whole nursery full of stuff from the cot and changing tables and the dressers and any supplies you can name? They bought it all.

“.... Boys, you realise you have bought a half room full of nappies that I possibly wouldn’t ever finish using?”

“Hey, they did say newborns pop a lot, better to be ready than sorry.” Soap shrugged his shoulders. “And my niece deserves the best. Doesn’t she??” he bent down and started talking in a baby voice to your very ballooned up stomach. You can see Ghost nodding in agreement behind Soap. 

Price and Chameleon, being experienced parents to two adult kids, provided you with tips and guidance when you needed the most. Especially Chameleon, she knew the hardship of being a soldier’s wife, looking after the children alone. She was there when your water broke, to calm you down when you were crying and worrying Nikolai and the men wouldn’t make it back in time to witness the birth of the baby.

Anya MacTavish ( Nikolai and you decided she would take on your surname, as it was dangerous for Nikolai’s true name and identity to be attached to the child ) was born a healthy baby, inheriting her father’s more calming nature, making minimal fuss when she landed in this world. 

Nikolai tries to be there for the two of you as much as he can. Between assisting the SAS and running the mercenary group, he is a busy man. His heart often drops every time when he comes home, his daughter will clutch onto you, in fear and looking at him as if he is a stranger. It breaks his heart. He decided he needs to start pulling back, spreading his workload to his second in command and spending more time with his family. 

Ghost looked down at the doll he was holding, thought hard for a second, before he went ahead and removed his balaclava. You have only seen once or twice in rare circumstances the real face of Simon, but you didn’t expect him to remove the face covering just for your daughter. Hiding her face in the crook of her Poppy Price’s neck, she turned her face slightly as Simon tried to call out to her, waving awkwardly the little doll of himself. She looks at him, eyes going wide again, trying to make sense of who this “ new person “ is, before reaching out for the doll, Price slowly passes Anya over to Simon, while she is distracted. She let out a little yawn as she fiddled around with the doll, eyes fluttering and fell asleep snuggling in Simon’s arm. Everyone smiled at the scene in front of them.

You can see mixed emotion in Simon’s eyes. Happy that both him and Anya are slowly getting comfortable with one another. Your brother-in-arms deserves every bit of happiness after all the trauma he went through with his life, and maybe his goddaughter will bring him that tiny bit of joy. You gave Nikolai a nudge, reminding him to guide Simon upstairs towards the nursery to put the baby down in the cot to sleep.

“Still sleeping?” Nikolai asked in a hushed voice, as he came up and checked his little princess after all the men had returned to the base. Peering over the cot, he can see she’s holding on tight to the Ghost doll in her arm, while sucking on her thumb as she sleeps.

“Sleeping like a log. Nothing is phasing her even if the ceiling collapses.” You are fortunate Anya has been a very easy baby, sleeping through the night most of the time. A very deep sleeper too. “Just like her mother.” “Hey, I do wake up when I sense danger.” You pouted, referring to the safe house incident where you didn’t even realise Soap and Gaz had entered the apartment.

Nikolai bent over and gave his little baby daughter a kiss on the cheek. Thinking back when he proposed to you. He thought he was lucky enough just to have you in his life, now he has a tiny little precious bird he will give all his life to protect her from all the evil of the world. Letting out a yawn. Exhausted from entertaining the guests you were ready to sleep.  You let out a little yelp as Nikolai scoop you up into a bridal carry. “Time for bed for the big princess.” Kissing you lightly on your forehead, carrying you back towards the bedroom. Ideas pop up in his head. Maybe another baby wouldn’t be such a bad idea…

141 boys often volunteer for babysitting duty.  They were a constant presence in their goddaughter’s life growing up. There is also the constant battle of “ who is Anya’s favourite” going on between the men.

When Anya got married, she insisted her Papa and all her uncles and Poppy walk her down the aisle. 

Anya often changes which doll she is in favour of, one week might be Ghost, next week might be Gaz, or hugging both Price and Soap’s doll to sleep at same time. You tease Price and Chameleon if they are getting clucky again, or they are wishing for a grandkid, Price paled thinking about his little Grace being married so young. You tried out König’s recipe of Apple strudel. And it is heavenly delicious. It became one of Nikolai and Anya’s favourite desserts. 

Yes, thanks to  @siilvan , I am so inspired and might write another chapter in regard how Anya was produced *wink wink * what exactly happened the night of the covert mission (Let’s hope the muse of Smut will inspire me bit more this time )

taglist:

@homicidal-slvt,

@roosterr @preciouslittlecreature

@siilvan @floral-force @kaplerrr

[dazais-guardian-angel]

I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

[faux-ee]

So What if BSD Fyodor is Dead

Guys. I finished Stormbringer last night (finally) and had an epiphany. If Rimbaud can survive in the form of a singularity ghost in his ability space, and if Shibusawa's ability could trick him into thinking that he's still alive, why couldn't it be possible that all the mysteries around Fyodor (his height, his age, the nature of his ability, etc.) are because he's already dead?

Fyodor's weakness is that he has a weak composition, now I think the anemia is actually indicative of death. A lack of blood.

A friend of mine noticed that throughout the manga, Fyodor has been referring to himself as "Boku," which is not really proper for a grown man as it is more for young boys (boku no hero academia, for example). He should be calling himself "Watashi" if he's older than 15, and since Kyouka is 14, Fyodor definitely looks older than 15. Shibusawa also said Dostoevsky's "an old friend". Dazai met him once when he was younger. It's weird Fyodor insists on addressing himself like a teenage boy, unless he never aged mentally past that stage.

A lot of his talking in riddles could also be attributed to teenage behavior: from arbitrary statements like "breathing is sin, thinking is sin," to "this is fun" and "marvelous (素晴らしい)" which he repeated time and time again, lowkey reminding me of those ghosts repeatedly doing the old habits they had when they were alive.

Gogol brought Sigma to Meursault bcs one must know Fyodor's ability to kill him. Which means he isn't expecting the poison to kill Fyodor at all, or he had full confidence in Fyodor winning. Either way, if he truly wants to kill Fyodor himself, it's not very likely he'll simply just let the poison kill Fyodor. The latter is already weak bodily, so it doesn't make sense that he'll be immune to poison - who can't poison kill? Either ppl who have an antidote (which neither of fyodor & dazai has), or ppl who are already dead.

Also, Gogol's statement provides an important conclusion: Fyodor can't be killed any other way than knowing his ability. Fyodor's life will only truly come to an end after the mystery around his ability is unravelled. What if he, like Shibusawa, is a singularity who refused to be dead? When he said living is a sin, he didn't see himself as a sinner. Perhaps he really wasn't entitled to the sin called life.

So, if he's dead, why is Fyodor still seems to be alive and walking? I have two theories.

One, Fyodor's also a lab product, and like Chuuya, also has a clone. This could offer additional explanation as to why he was able to control Chuuya, as he would then have as deep knowledge of this kind of experiments as N.

Fyodor said, "I am crime, I am punishment." It means he only defines himself through his ability. Now this could be a result of trauma but also - I feel like every time Fyodor makes claims about his own ideal, it's kinda stiff. One sec he's saying that he hears the words of god, and the next he's saying "if god doesn't exist, then I am god". It feels very much like two different personalities: a servant and a master; and they coexist in him.

His clone, instead of dying, could have merged with him and provided young Fyodor's consciousness a physical form. The "god" is Fyodor's true self commanding everything behind the scenes, and since he's no longer corporeal, he could move in and out of prison and that could be an effective way of transferring info.

(After all, irl Dostoevsky wrote a novel The Double exploring a man's psychological breakdown and identity disorder, which is "the most Gogolesque of Dostoevsky's works" and explores how the pursuit of freedom turns into self-destructive tendency. I'm guessing Asagiri probably had decent knowledge about that book based on this.)

Two, Fyodor and Nikolai are set up to be foils/partners, and BSD partners' abilities/identities are sometimes indicative of each other. Rimbaud and Verlaine trading names, Chuuya being the "non-human" to Dazai's "tainted sorrow," Atsushi facing the Rashoumon dilemma upon his first appearance. Gogol was committing crimes and punishing himself with guilt. Fyodor, like Nikolai, is always wrapped in what we think is a cape - but it has buttons and perhaps should be worn another way, like an overcoat. What if Fyodor's ability protected his body like an overcoat? What if his very being is an overcoat - a fixed role assigned to him by society that he could not escape from, a savior, a man-god?

This might sound too abstract but the basic idea is that Fyodor's more an Ability created to serve a specific purpose than a living human being.

I'm afraid I have to end the meta here because I simply can't find more clues, but this theory strangely sit right with me. Thank you for reading to here.

[rebeccadumaurier]

my notes on bungo stray dogs season 4

alright now that i've finally watched s4, i can be insane about this show for a bit. spoilers abound below obviously, and also i only watch the show and don't follow the manga (not something i intend to change anytime soon, so pls don't spoil haha <3)

my thoughts

crazy how reading meta on the character and relationship foils in BSD actually significantly improved my media literacy, not to mention increased my respect for asagiri a lot. but speaking of foils i went insane watching this season. the way it BUILDS on so much of the previous seasons is wild

everything about mushitari and yokomizo's relationship is SOOOOO much and we barely know them. the theme of trying to be remembered forever through your writing. the foils to the murakami arc, the way ango is dazai's translator despite their own strained relationship, do i even need to explain how it parallels poe and ranpo's relationship.

not to mention the way the manuscript / evidence destroyer arc is constructed reminds me a lot of how they foiled dazai x chuuya with steinbeck x lovecraft in the double black episode.

speaking of which, ranpo fans (and ranpo/poe fans) really had their time this season! yes i'm getting queerbaited no i don't care i love this this is awesome. i havent been queerbaited like this since i watched double black and it permanently rewired my brain (affectionate)

the book as metacommentary on storytelling and what it means to construct and alter reality and the evils of trying to play God as written by a real-life writer, an inherent role of playing God. im shaking asagiri like a ragdoll for answers

unsure how i feel about the continuous upping of stakes but do respect the overall lack of power creep for our main characters. dazai, yosano etc are exactly as powerful as they were when they first started, and i enjoy that.

the obvious contrast in ranpo as silly emotionally volatile 14-year-old vs grown-up ranpo in present time and how he's developed so much as a character and grown to care for others. the relationship between him and fukuzawa. im going to be sick. i need him to be safe and protected so bad...i just want him to be happy.

the empathetic and thoughtful way BSD approaches the treatment of children really gets to me. the attempt to preserve innocence and the way it is so often destroyed. but also it's worrying how with each flashback going further back in time, the characters depicted are progressively younger - dazai at 18 -> dazai and chuuya at 15 -> ranpo at 14 -> yosano at 11. if we continue in this direction, i think we will probably see akutagawa's childhood and him joining the PM, which i can't imagine will exactly be a happy fun time.

speaking of which, the contrast in this season between the patience and compassion with which fukuzawa treats teenage ranpo vs the cruelty with which mori treats child yosano and then the fact fukuzawa and mori's friendship ended over that treatment. oh my goddd. and i'm sure there will be further examination of the trickledown-effect of how mori's teachings impacted dazai which then impacted akutagawa which then impacted kyouka. the intergenerational trauma of it all

-> the parallel between mori shooting yosano's friend to force her to heal him with her ability vs dazai shooting akutagawa to force him to protect himself with his ability. oh my god!!!!

on the decay of the angels: really confused by how nikolai's character ties in to the real-life gogol (who i don't know super well, but i've read a few of his stories and like his writing). waiting for a mishima character to show up, since well, the decay of the angel is a real-life mishima book. excited for that since real-life mishima was also....quite a character, to say the least

my questions (and further thoughts)

so far, the state of several ADA members remain unknown. we currently only know the whereabouts of dazai, atsushi, kyouka, and fukuzawa, and that's because uh, 2/4 are in prison.

(also the parallel of fukuchi helping fukuzawa find oda in prison vs fukuchi's conversation with fukuzawa in prison. hm.)

speaking of which — i'm curious where mersault really is. it's obviously not a normal prison — there's most likely at least one ability user at work in making it function. (plus i need an albert camus character so bad PLEASE.) the way it's depicted, with the yellow confined spheres, reminds me a lot of the ability of camus's countryman, arthur rimbaud (from the the fifteen arc). hm! anyway, to go over the remaining ADA members:

so, where's yosano? tachihara spared her (unsurprising imo, though there's no doubt a degree of poetry for him in forcing her to heal herself over and over like she did his brother, but he's clearly not the sadistic torturer type).

ranpo is...somewhere. he was able to contact kyouka at some point about the manuscript, and he's obviously not dead. the question i have, although this applies to pretty much all of them, is what is he doing??? presumably he has...plans, of some sort.

tanizaki and kenji - i'll be a little surprised if tanizaki doesn't try to get in touch w/ naomi. the fact we still know very little about kenji, and he remains a fairly static character, makes me nervous considering how fleshed-out the other ADA members are. i dunno, i really feel like he's hiding something. my theory is that he's a spy the way tachihara / ango were spies but i have no good evidence here besides "does not pass vibe check."

kunikida's fate also unknown, besides "alive"

the margaret / hawthorne subplot seems unresolved - both character fates are like, extremely ambiguous. will say though obsessed with lucy casually throwing hawthorne into the void and atsushi just expresses no concern whatsoever.

(obsessed with everything about lucy tbh she was a member of an incredibly powerful gifted organization and then decided to just become a waitress at a cafe, where she bullies atsushi all the time and uses her pocket dimension to store her boss's coffee, and then she quits her job to go on an incredibly risky mission for the ADA. lucy i would do anything for you)

so confused as to what happened w nikolai 😭😭 maybe i should just accept that if you're a major character in this series who exists in the present, there's no such thing as permanent death.

the most notable exclusion from this season to me: where the hell is akutagawa? dude, you can't tell me asagiri just didn't have room for him. i don't believe that. i am nervous for him!!

[lisiya-gori]

(from @sxnyarostova​ on this post. thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about this!)

so, we all agree that sonya and boris are narrative foils, right. this much is obvious. two children who grow up on the periphery of the rostov family, in it but never really of it. neither of them ever able to forget this fact. sonya is natasha’s best friend growing up, and boris is nikolai’s. sonya has an innocent little incestuous childhood romance with nikolai, and boris (remember!) has one with natasha. nikolai and natasha can act like they don’t notice their friends’/crushes’ lack of financial and social stability, but boris and sonya have to notice. it’s the defining fact of both of their lives. I don’t think tolstoy meant to do this but the fact that we never get either of their full names has always felt important to me. it signifies that lack of stability, the fact that they’re not completely established or accepted in the society of the novel

ok, so they start off in the same place, but then their paths diverge rapidly. again, narrative foils. @alleyskywalker wrote me a whole yuletide request about this back in, I want to say 2017? and I wrote this a couple years ago, which touches on it. boris leaves, sonya stays. sonya devotes herself to the rostovs, boris devotes himself to the grind. I feel like you can even say something here about their respective involvement with hélène and dolokhov? it would work better if it were anatole, but still—

anyway. boris has a last name. he has a living parent, even (whose patronymic we do know). he grows up enmeshed in the rostov family, but he also has his own, separate identity that exists outside it. boris is a boy, and he has a mom who’s willing to work vasily kuragin for his benefit, so boris gets to have a career. that career is what really takes him away from the rostov family circle, and the more he advances in it, the greater that distance grows. boris doesn’t have a dad. presumably he had one at one point, but we never hear about it and nobody seems to care. boris isn’t living up to anyone’s legacy. he’s not in line to take over anyone’s estate or fortune, and he doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s baggage. he’s as self-made as you can be in an aristocratic society. he’s anna mikhailovna’s son, and his own creation. 

sonya has a dad. he’s dead now, but we know he existed, and we know his name. sonya has parents who aren’t count and countess rostov, and no matter how much she wants to be part of the rostov family, she can’t get around this. she calls the countess maman, but she also says things like “if I were maman’s daughter.” it doesn’t really matter who alexander is or was; the only relevant thing about sonya’s “alexandrovna” is that it isn’t “ilyinichna.” sonya is a girl, so if she wants to escape the rostovs she has to do it through marriage. but who does sonya want to marry? the one guy who will allow her to tie herself to the rostovs forever. sonya doesn’t have a last name. people assume it’s rostova, even though there’s no actual indication that it is, and isn’t that sort of typical of her whole situation? she can never fully be a part of the rostov family, but she also can’t envision any kind of life outside it. she ends up permanently stuck in this sort of halfway position, a not-quite daughter, a not-quite sister, and eventually a not-quite wife and mother. 

so there you go: sonya has a patronymic but no last name, and boris has a last name but no patronymic, and you can absolutely read that as symbolic if you try hard enough

[wygolvillage]

Oooh shanoa, Alucard, and Charlotte for the ask game

shanoa

1. albus. forsaking everything and dooming himself, just for her. it makes me insane. all the little snippets we actually learn about their childhood are really cute too

2. laura. theres a reason the game implies theyre soul mates im just saying. laura is someone who is tenacious enough to try and break through her walls while shanoa broke through hers. theyve faced similar (metaphorical) demons. its like poetry it rhymes

3. daniela!!!! shanoas cool grandma!!! this girl whos faced so much hardship having someone whos so warm and caring to come back to!!! the promise that theyll go on a picnic together!!! aaaaaaaaaa

4. anna and serge (two for one special). shanoa helping out and entertaining the children is Extremely Cute and i think once she has her emotions its really Nice, to her, that there are kids who admire and look up to her. also not to go into something that probably deserves its own post but i think anna and serge are supposed to parallel the ecclesia siblings a bit, theres the line about albus telling serge to be strong enough to protect his sister, but theres also that thing about serge thinking of anna as a bit of a crybaby even though he really cares about her, which we also know is true of shanoa when she was of a similar age. so like i think its interesting bc its like. shanoa and the childhood she never really got to have. but the main point of this is that i think shanoa as a babysitter is fun

5. man i wish nikolai had more dialogue bc i think his being a foil to barlowe is really really interesting conceptually and i would LOVE to see how that interacts with shanoa and her whole healing process post-ooe (and after he says shanoa helped the villagers to heal too, see this is All Connected). but um yeah i think he cares for the people in his community like a family and shanoa too is becoming part of that family, which hilariously makes her an honorary belmont. idk i think theres a lot of potential here

alucard

1. maria, theyre besties. i always like dynamics that are like, a very stoic, guardrd person + someone whos more of a people person who is kind of an expert at cutting through the bullshit and getting to actually know them. i think she gets him

2. graaaant the angst potential is through the roof. a conflict of ones own humanity and the monstrous when you can only see the monstrous in yourself and the human in your counterpart 😂😂😂 "like" if you relate!!!

3. richter theyre narrative foils. something something breaking of the cycle

4. soma... dadson and sondad... "youre not a god or a demon youre only human". "hes looking out for you because you have the same dark powers". screams forever.

5. yoko theyre literally besties

charlotte

1. jonathan of courseeee theyre castlevanias ultimate duo. best friends for LIFE and they have such a fun dynamic. i lovethe differences in how they handle their emotions and how that sometimes ends up clashing (admittedly i read into this more after learning that in the original japanese script she knew john before he died, which blew my mind)- charlotte wants to Talk About It whereas jonathan deeply wants to avoid having to think too hard about those complex feelings. they have so much to work with and their interactions are always interesting and/or entertaining.

2. eric, i wish they got more interactions but i think theres something to the idea of charlotte being the "successor" to the role eric played to his morris sidekick. and whether or not theyll succeed where they failed while hes trapped in the place where he lost everything. charlotte being the one to save his daughters also plays into this. rotating this in my mind

3. john. i think charlotte having known john really does add a whole dimension to the narrative. portrait is, above all else, about putting old ghosts to rest, and sometimes those ghosts are grief, and god damn does john haunt the narrative. im just sayig words at this point but you know what i mean.

4. i think her and the twins should be besties, stella especially. i think maybe she would see a bit of herself in stellas formality and insistence on being the "older sister" tbh, like this desire to be seen as capable and mature while underneath the surface everything is Bad and Confusing and Scary. i think they write letters to each other frequently after the events of por

5. (grimoire of souls-verse, headcanon) LET!!! CHARLOTTE!!! AND!!! ALBUS!!! GEEK OUT TOGETHER!!!! OVER COMPLICATED MAGICAL SCIENCES!!!! i wish i couldve seen more interactions between them

[qzwrites]

so in addition to Sasha just also having a Mark (baby brother Nikolai who is immediately made by virtue of incorrectly gendering Jaz) i was thinking about other teens/young adults who would be in a clone reintegration program

i immediately came up with Ras, an ordinary sixteen year old boy whose father had no apparent reason to want an illegal clone and spent way more money getting it done in Crime System than it would have cost elsewhere (so why the hell did he get it done in crime system???)

and Anissa, a fourteen year old girl who was pretty obviously designed to be a sex toy, and whose sex drive was cranked up so far the first medical team to examine her after she was freed declared it basically torture

these two are pretty obvious foils for Nikolai and each other, but the group can't be just three people, both for narrative reasons and because that just doesn't feel like a big enough class at Clone School

so i also came up with Bu Lin, a nineteen year old who was one of a set of orphan identical triplets, who pretty much figured they had to be clones because what are the odds otherwise, and who had the misfortune of being the control group

Bu Lin is also a natural fit into the dynamic here because Ras and Nikolai both have a sibling they didn't expect to have, whereas Bu Lin is now missing the two he is used to

but like. okay four kids still doesn't feel like enough. and i've been thinking for a while about what other interesting things can i do that aren't the very straightforward and probably most common "intended to die so their progenitor can brain transplant into a new body" backstory (their program lead has this backstory)

i read the excerpt from the new murderbot today and realized i had not given them a gengineered supersoldier friend, so obviously i came up with one

Zetta is not technically a clone, although honestly probably Anissa isn't either, but a genetic hodgepodge created and raised pretty much like the other illegal clones. ze has a complicated gender situation because ze is an ambi, but that is usually a gender restricted to Gnillesians and ze was obviously created and raised in the Crime System, not on Gnilles

Anissa, Zetta, and Nikolai all look older than they are, with Nikolai looking the oldest. Bu Lin and Ras look their ages but Bu Lin is so pretty that everyone assumes he was modded to be more attractive, like Anissa clearly was, but no!

Zetta was designed and trained to be a weapon (although the goals of the project kind of shifted halfway through because gosh it's just. not a very good idea to try and gengineer supersoldiers; they were first intended to be grunts and kind of wound up more like shock troopers) which is obviously something Nikolai, who was made to be an assassin, can relate to, but Zetta also has something in common with Anissa, in that ze also pretty much likes zeir intended purpose and will probably be pursuing something related to what ze was designed for

(that's the bit i got from the murderbot excerpt i read, although murderbot is in denial about how much it likes protecting people and would absolutely be like "it's just something i'm better at than anyone else is i don't like it or anything" whereas i think Zetta is going to be more open to just. leaning in to being a mom friend.)

anyway, Zetta is like six feet tall and fat, because being large and having fat reserves gives zem advantages in combat and survival situations. and that also means ze has something else in common with both Nikolai and Anissa, who are somewhat abnormal shapes, also to make them better at their intended purposes!

since this is an ani mosity story and also about teens aged 14-19 there is also certainly some sexual exploration, but honestly it's mostly only important for Anissa and Nikolai. Anissa for obvious reasons and Nikolai because one thing he inherited from Mark Vorkosigan is sexual trauma. Ras gets sex scenes mostly because he's prominent in both Anissa and Nikolai's sexual development lol

[number63liveblogs]

Ruin and Rising: Chapter 11

Oh Sasha. Don’t you know that you don’t want to punish people for doing what you want them to do. If you want people to come to your side and give you precious information, you want them to have incentive to do that. If you murder or mutilate everyone who tries to come back they’ll just continue fighting against you, when you could have had an ally.

I kid, this is a good characterization beat. He’s losing his cool, and making suboptimal decisions, and not only regarding things that are directly connected to Alina. That, and he feels like he’s close enough to victory that he has the slack to turn away prospective allies.

I’m pretty sure Nikolai isn’t dead, the Darkling’s comments about him sounded more like he was being turned into some kind of… vampire kind of thing. So we’ll definitely see him later, maybe even as a foil to the Darkling who’s choosing to do bad things, compared to Nikolai who’s fighting against impulses coming from outside of himself. I don’t even think it matters much if he wins the fight or not. Although it’s more likely that they’ll manage to save him, if he hasn’t gone around slaughtering people left and right.

Baghra, on the other hand, has just dropped a huge exposition dump and taught Alina some of her techniques, so it might be that she’s no longer needed as a source of information and training. Killing his mother would also be a good way of making the Darkling feel irredeemable, if that’s where she needed the story to go.

[caprica99]

Shadow and Bone rant, because I need it

Shadow and Bone has some incredible potential, both the books and the show, but neither actually lives up to it.

Alina could have been interesting. Cartographer is a rare profession for fictional characters, but in the books/show she's just a beginner (at 17/20 it's understandable). Make her at least 25 with 9 years of experience in the army, give her a promotion with subordinates she's responsible for and you would get a more interesting character who saw some serious shit in the army, acts like a soldier, and knows responsibility. (And maybe wants to stop the war at all cost, utilizing the Fold maybe.*wink, wink*)

It bothered me that we never saw her using cartography this profession that makes her unique for reaching her goals. In the show, she has dreams about the stag. It would have been interesting to see HER figuring out the whereabouts of the stag by using the stag's surroundings like mountains, specific types of trees, topography, etc. Work smarter, not harder.

Diana Bishop suffers from the same passiveness in the first book of the All Souls trilogy, but she actively uses her science historian background and those passages are the most interesting parts of her POV. Alina's interest in drawing and geography would give her a unique personality, and made her relatable to many (see ADoW and history nerds). Many YA heroines have a specific and useful skillset: Katniss-archery, Clary Fray-drawing, etc. Sadly, her entire personality is running away with Mal.

Mal's character feels pointless to me. The story depicts an oppressed minority group with special powers, and their struggles in the world, the heroine and the antagonist are both part of the said minority group, and he's constantly shown to be a bigot against the Grisha, so what makes him so important to the plot? His tracking skills? Give the job to a no-name tracker and I wouldn't miss him.

At least the show made him more likable, but Archie and Jessie still lack romantic chemistry. However his chemistry with his friends Mikhail and Dubrov was spot on, I really liked it. They showed life as a simple otkazat'sya soldier on the front, and their death was painful to watch. I thought that his friend's death would make a bigger impact on Mal, him wanting to get revenge on the fjerdans and end the war at all cost, and saying that maybe Kirigan's plan actually makes sense would make an interesting narrative. (They are at war dammit, there's no black and white only grey.)

Mal and Alina don't act like soldiers in a war-torn country, they act like American teenagers, and it's annoying. The General and Ivan are the only ones who act as soldiers in a 3 front war. When the villain shows the most responsibility in your story you should rewrite your heroes completely, or make the villain your hero.

The show is better than the books. It's a rare phenomenon but it is something everyone agrees upon. To me, the first book reads like a draft the author forgot to expand. The worldbuilding, the Grisha, and the characters were a perfect base to an original fantasy universe, but it all falls flat. The show made it richer by introducing multiple POVs and giving the actors more leeway (Ben Barnes ladies and gentlemen). But in the end, they had to stick to the books.

This is incredibly confusing to me because we have numerous fanfictions about Alina staying at the Little Palace, embracing her Grisha side, helping the Darkling because his plan makes sense, or changing his plan by coming up with a better one, or having dark!Alina etc... Clearly, this is what book fans wanted: giving Alina agency, make her realize that she had to work with the Darkling because she's Grisha too and they have the same goals but have different methods, let her be Professor X to Alexander's Magneto, ending the corrupt and incompetent Lantsov line, anything would have been better than taking Baghra's words at face value and running off.

Change I like: the whole West-Ravka storyline, it made the General decision understandable. Zlatan sold Grisha to the fjerdans, wanted to kill Alina and his actions could have led to a civil war, Kirigan only acted as a general of his time (not 21 century guys, we are talking about the unforgiving 19 century) and besides we only see the destruction of Zlatans army (BTW they were ready to kill everyone on the skiff) and not the whole city.

Change I don't like: making Alina half Shu. I'm not completely against it, but it was poorly executed. The racism Alina faces overshadows the Grisha-hate, rather than complementing it. Alina acts like being half Shu is somehow worse than being Grisha, eventough there are literal Holocausts going on against Grisha in two neighbouring countries, slavery in another, and the show never addresses it. This is the biggest problem with her character, she never embraces being Grisha, sides with the muggles, and makes her mission to kill the only person who stands between Grisha and persecution.

Would have been good: the show could have made little 5 minute scenes depicting the plight of Grisha in other countries. Either at the beginning or the end of every episode.

Episode 2: the Ice Court

Episode 3: the Shu concentration camps with the experimenting

Episode 4: slavery in Kerch

Episode 5: the Wandering Isle with consuming grisha blood

Episode 6: the Demon in the Woods storyline

Episode 7: Luda+Aleksander

And now... The Darkling/ Aleksander Morozov/ General Kirigan: the most interesting character in the entire series.

In the first half of SaB he was depicted as every soldier's dream general. Sitting and eating with his men, fighting side by side with them, constantly checking on his troops while other generals prefer to attend court. But in the second half, he transforms into a Mustache Twirling Villain TM and makes rather OOC decisions throughout the trilogy. He could have been a generic villain from the start, but why make him then a compelling character with understandable motivations?

In the books, I understood his motivations, but in the show, he was completely right. His backstory shows that he tried peaceful tactics but those never worked out. The only thing that worked against his enemies was power and violence. The price of hesitance was Luda's life (I'm willing to bet they were married). The Fold was actually a mistake born from desperation. He spent centuries in hiding, seeing his people persecuted. Even with the Little Palace and the Second Army Grisha are considered second-class citizens, they can't hold properties. He has to walk the fine line between usefulness and being a threat. He has to bow to incompetent Kings who don't give a shit about the state of the country. If Alina had to go through so much how would she end up? Because it's a miracle that Aleksander still has it in him to fight for the Grisha.

Many bring up Nikolai Lantsov as the Darklings foil ( or Diet Darkling as @ambitious-witch calls him) to show there is an alternative to Aleksander, but it's wrong. Because Nikolai was never part of an oppressed minority group, never had to fear centuries of persecution, he's an actual prince, it's easy to not be radicalized with his background.

Bonus: If Bardugo wanted to create a fictional world with tsarist Russia as a base, the least she could have done is to open a Wikipedia page or a dictionary for the correct names and terms. Starkov is a man's name: Alina Starkova is the correct form. Ilya Morozov, Aleksander Morozov, and Baghra Morozova would be the correct forms.

EDIT: They could have shown the building of the Little Palace and the start of the Second Army. I wanted to see the normal life at the Little Palace before Alina came along, little Grisha enjoying their powers, their reaction if the Darkling comes to see their training (I headcanon he visits the lessons at least once a year), the other teachers, and their reaction to Alina. Alina in canon is good with kids, maybe if she had spent time with little Grisha, she could have embraced her powers sooner. Having met with foreigners (Fjerdan, or Shu) and hearing their gruesome accounts of the foreign treatment of the Grisha would made her willing to fight for their future.

[serpenteve]

why we ship darklina

an essay literally no one asked for

Nobody needs a "reason" to ship Darklina. But considering this is a villain x hero pairing, it got me thinking about why we shipped it in the first place when the narrative and author so badly wanted us to root for the more sensible alternative pairing and why it became the most popular ship of the entire trilogy.

Personally, I find it really interesting (and low-key hilarious) that a lot of the reasons shippers gravitated towards Darklina can be directly traced back to how badly Bardugo bungled Alina's character arc, Mal's entire characterization and narrative role, Nikolai's wasted potential as an alternative love interest, and the noble intentions she gives the the Darkling.

Alina's Character Arc

Alina's character arc doesn't match who she is as a character. I've written more about that in this post, but a lot of readers were introduced to a passive and insecure protagonist who we were expecting to undergo a typical YA coming-of-age character arc where Alina acquires self-acceptance, confidence, and embraces the full breadth of her powers over the course of the trilogy. Instead, Bardugo gave Alina the kind of character arc that's usually deserved for power-hungry anti-heroines or tragic heroes with a fatal flaw to punish.

The plot offers a strange binary: either Alina suppresses and hides her powers and therefore stays away from descending into villainy OR Alina attempts to find Morozova's amplifiers in order to defeat the Darkling but then becomes corrupted by power in the process. Alina's journey to self-acceptance and exploring her own powers are unfortunately entangled with her relationship with the Darkling. The only way she is allowed to move forward through the plot is to succumb to the corrupting influence of the amplifiers.

For better or for worse, the first character to really embrace her powers instead of thinking she's a fraud or that she's weak or that she's an unholy abomination is the Darkling. He's the first person to recognize her power for what it is and accurately judge its potential and implications for the rest of the world. He advocates for her in front of the royal court, in front other Grisha who think she's weak, and even against Baghra who is initially a very ill-tempered mentor with little to no faith in Alina's abilities. He even rather ironically advocates for her even when the heroic person who's supposed to be supporting her (Mal) does not.

At the start of her journey, Alina is insecure and in constant need of assurance and validation. The Darkling's role as her mentor and guide into this unfamiliar world of Grisha makes him the perfect advocate not only for her powers but also to help Alina see her place in the world. However, once he is revealed to be the villain, Alina also fails to realize that it's time for her to advocate for herself and throws the baby out with the bathwater.

Mal's Characterization & Narrative Role

When Alina loses the Darkling as an advocate in S&B, Mal steps up to take this role. Alina is still rather passive for the majority of the first book and it's Mal who originally wants her to have Morozova's stag as an amplifier if it will mean being able to stand against the Darkling. Bardugo intended for him to be a heroic love interest as a foil to the villainous love interest and I believe she mostly succeeds for the first book.

However, because this is a story about punishing Alina's "evil ambition" (despite there being very little evidence of that) Mal is supposed to serve as a voice of reason in the narrative. Once Alina considers the necessity of acquiring more amplifiers to defeat the Darkling, it is Mal's role to warn her of the potential consequences, to remind her of her inner humanity, and to ward against the corrupting influence of Morozova's amplifiers. Mal's declarations that he wants back the old girl he knew without any power is meant to drive an ideological wedge between them, yes, but he's also meant to be Correct™ because, again, Bardugo is writing a story about a corrupted power-hungry heroine who goes too far and needs to be punished rather than the arc we were all expecting and the one that Alina's character needs: a coming-of-age story of self-acceptance and personal growth.

Some point after the backlash of Siege & Storm, Bardugo seems to have become aware of her mistake and attempts to scrub Mal's character to be more sympathetic. There is a bizarre exchange half-way through the third book when Mal finally declares:

"I wasn't afraid of you, Alina. I was afraid of losing you. The girl you were becoming didn't need me anymore, but she's who you were always meant to be."

This is an interesting line because it's a complete reversal of Mal's narrative role so far. He's supposed to be her voice of reason that opposes her at every turn but readers interpreted him as being resentful of Alina's powers and angry that she was no longer dependent on him. Bardugo is forced to retcon Mal's entire role in the narrative from being a voice of reason that opposes Alina's quest for power to a supportive friend who will fight by her side. But this was never her initial intention and I believe this change was brought on 100% by audience reaction because she failed to understand the arc her heroine needed and the kind of story her audience was anticipating for such a character.

Needless to say, having your heroine's main love interest actively resent her quest for power until half-way through the third damn book did not endear many readers to Mal. Because Bardugo failed to understand the kind of character development her heroine needed and failed to understand audience expectations, we hated Mal. He became the embodiment of every toxic chauvinist we'd ever met who can't stand the idea of his partner's success and feels entitled to be the center of her universe. He was not the voice of reason. He was an annoying gnat hellbent on dragging the heroine down and away from her destiny. We did not want to root for him. Even the villain was more sympathetic than him because he could bring her closer to achieving the self-acceptance the narrative was obsessed with denying her.

Nikolai's Wasted Potential as a Solid Love Interest

Nikolai plays several roles in Alina's journey but most importantly in our discussions for why we ended up shipping Darklina, his entire potential as a serious love interest is wasted.

When we meet Nikolai, we have hitched our wagons to the Darklina train because despite being the villain, the Darkling is the only one who will allow the heroine to accept her powers and come into her own. Her heroic love interest, Mal, is actively sabotaging her efforts and holding her back from her true potential. But then, in swoops Nikolai and we pause, wondering if there may be a better heroic alternative after all?

In a lot of ways, Nikolai and the Darkling alike: they are eager for Alina's power and see her as a solution to all their problems. They may want to use Alina to prop up their own agendas, but unlike Mal, Alina's summoning powers are a massive plus, not a burden. Nikolai is the heroic alternative to our villainous Aleksander. So we wait, wondering if Nikolai will be the one to fix this mess of a romantic subplot. His royal connections offer an easy path to upwards mobility for our heroine and we sense that an alliance between them (even if it's initially political in nature) may bring our heroine closer to obtaining more power, influence, and self-acceptance not only for herself, but also for the oppressed minority she is a part of.

But, again, Bardugo is still obsessed with that "punish the heroine for wanting power" agenda so while Nikolai exists as another mentor figure who offers Alina advice on how to rule, how to appeal to other people, how to charm, how to win people over, and Alina learns and applies much of what she learns from him, he is not treated as a real love interest.

Despite Nikolai being written as a fairy tale prince (handsome, charming, smart as a whip, brave in battle, etc) Alina never actually considers him romantically. They are friends and allies at best and the only time she considers kissing him is only when she's pissed about Mal.

Nikolai's proposal at the end of Ruin & Rising feels like one last saving grace, one last opportunity for our heroine to take control of her life and make a dramatic change to break from the past. But this too is rejected because Alina's arc will never let her access any power. She does not reject Nikolai because she wants to marry for love. She rejects him because she has been "punished" for wanting power and has internalized that she must not seek any more power for fear of angering the plot gods (and Bardugo). She must return to being nobody in order to remain a good and moral person.

(And, of course, we resent Mal even more because who in their right mind would choose him over Nikolai? Once again, he becomes a roadblock on our heroine's journey to power. We grow irritated that the heroine is failing to grasp an opportunity to elevate herself. We throw the book against the wall. Why are we even following this heroine?)

The Darkling's Motivations

Still, all of the above might still not have been enough to pull the reader to the villain's side. But the Darkling is the living embodiment of Villain Has A Point™. He is not pure unadulterated evil. He is not Lord Sauron or Voldemort or the Terminator.

He's more Magneto, Roy Batty, or Ozymandias---a man who is part of an oppressed minority who longs for justice and power but is absolutely unhinged in his methods.

Alina runs away because she does not want to be a non-consenting weapon in hands. But we always end up wondering what would have happened had Baghra not warned her. What would have happened if Alina gladly joined the Darkling's side? There's hundreds of fanfics written precisely about this situation because despite the villainy of his methods, we wonder if Ravka might not have been safer after all?

If the Darkling had used the Fold as a weapon against Fjerda and Shu Han, would any of the problems Ravka faces in the later books even exist? Would any Grisha fall victim to the khergud programs or be killed as witches? The Darkling wipes out Novokribirsk and kills hundreds of lives, but how many would he have saved with the Fold as Ravka's greatest shield and sword? 🤷🏽‍♀️

And therein lies the problem with the trilogy inconsistent moral landscape. The Darkling is an anti-villain that exists in a narrative that is very black and white, unlike the rest of the books in the Grishaverse where our protagonists are anti-heroes who kill, steal, and torture their way through the plot with nary a judgmental glance from the narrative. We long to see our heroine give in to her dark side and get her hands dirty because watching a naive, passive, scared little girl grow into a ruthless powerful Grisha would have made for a hell of a compelling story.

But that's not the story Bardugo wanted to tell.

The Greg Trilogy

Despite taking place in a fantasy Tsartist setting, the Grisha trilogy is oddly anti-Grisha. The narrative doesn't spend much time trying to examine the context or implications of an oppressed minority group fighting for power other than to say "magic powers = evil". Nikolai skates by on a throne of inherited wealth, privilege, and imperialism but it's okay because he's charming and witty and the only monstrous part of him is the Darkling's curse. Literally everything is worse for Ravka and their Grisha after the destruction of the Fold but Ravka must move forward into a new age without relying on Grisha power but putting their efforts into new muggle technologies. Alina must be stripped of her powers and returned to her "old self" in order to be purged of evil.

Basically, it's all one gigantic ✨ dumpster fire ✨ of mismatched character arcs, incompatible moral aesops, inconsistent characterizations, wasted potential, unexamined plot points but it's a a dumpster fire we lovingly and spitefully embrace in fanfic.

We don't ship Alina with the Darkling because we're stupid abuse apologists who somehow missed the giant flashing moral aesop of the books---and honestly, who could have possibly missed them when it's shoved in the reader's face every other chapter? We ship Alina with the Darkling because the entire ship is the embodiment of wasted potential (and wasted ✨aesthetics✨ tbqh 👀). We ship Alina with the Darkling because we're sick and tired of stories where female power is demonized. We ship Alina with the Darkling because the plot gave us literally no other alternative to see our heroine succeed except to give in to her alleged villainy.

But most of all, people ship Darklina because Leigh Bardugo utterly failed in writing the story she intended to write because had she succeeded, Darklina would not be the most popular ship of the trilogy.

[turtleofdamascus]

Bardugo and ribbons and flower motifs

I don’t know how to express this well but I really like how flowers and ribbons are motifs that Bardugo emphasizes especially in Kaz Brekker’s backstory and Nikolai’s life which I feel are sort of foils of each other. Both of them mask their feelings for their crush - Nikolai with humor and Kaz by not addressing them at all. While Nikolai came from wealth and Kaz from destitution, I feel they both desire the same simple things. To have their loved one safe and to maintain some sort of power but not abusing their power (Kaz taking Haskell down) (Nikolai trying to choose a rightful leader). They both have a sense of moral and justness that they cling to. 

 Kaz remembers the detail of Saskia’s red ribbon. It’s a symbol of his lost innocence, childhood, his love for life and others. I thought it stood out because this was a detail disclosed to us in a flashback but Kaz didn’t verbally share it with us , the readers. It is only when he repeats this detail to Pekka when we realize this red ribbon is personal to him and deeply affected him. Kaz is a deeply sentimental person at heart and he is still a child hurt by the loss of losing everything that made him happy. He lost the red ribbon. And you see why he is so deeply vengeful. He remembers everything he lost. 

 For Nikolai. he seems to have this sort of fetish . Well I don’t like fetish word. But obsession with Zoya’s ribbon. It’s Something that signals his crush on her throughout the book. If we’re going with the theme ribbons symbolize childhood, I feel Nikolai’s obsession with the ribbon represents his youthfulness and childness at heart. He has in some ways a boyish naivety to his love for Zoya even though he is a king. 

Geraniums, Inej’s mother’s favorite flower, comes up a lot. And right after Inej talks about Kaz and how he won’t give her flowers, she talks about how Kaz is not the man to do that. He teaches her how to pick locks and gives her knives. And I mean the parallels are quite deeply drawn. Kaz gives Inej “flowers” through him teaching her and. obviously Kaz is this man who is providing for her. He gives her a ship. He thinks of what she wants. We do get a flower moment in CK when Kaz dumps the geraniums into the canal and swoops a cloak around Inej like a phantom in the night. It’s sweeping. It’s romantic and over-the-top. 

Not sure about other flower moments but it is mentioned quite a lot in the books like the blue irises for Alina as a symbol of the Darkling’s manipulation and Mal’s care for her. 

I love how flowers symbolize the thought and care that the partner shows for the other. I guess that’s usually what most people use flowers for in books but I like how its mentioned consistently through different relationships in the books.  Edited : so I got some tags that mentioned Zoya’s garden which I totally forgot. I love that moment so much in Rule of Wolves and its a perfectly exemplifies how flowers symbolize how much a person means to the other. Zoya is another character similar to Kaz in that she masks her trauma. Her secret garden (intentional reference) is an outlet for her vulnerability and shows how deeply she thinks about each person she lost and how she clings to their memory through having them live on in her garden. Having that intimate moment wi th me Nikolai was her letting go of her barriers. I also love how Bardugo is self aware and when Zoya says the thorned flower is “not a metaphor”. So she totally knows what she’s doing. Bit of a meta moment. Similarly, Kaz reveals his sentimental nature when he reveals his attatchment to the ribbon in front of Pekka and Inej. It’s more subtle though

[faux-ee]

I posted 3,543 times in 2022

That's 2,736 more posts than 2021!

737 posts created (21%)

2,806 posts reblogged (79%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@kyouka-supremacy

@colourofthekites

@grishaverse-chaos

@chenechen

@akhlys-san

I tagged 1,669 of my posts in 2022

#fyolai - 51 posts

#dabihawks - 50 posts

#bsd - 33 posts

#bungo stray dogs - 19 posts

#personal - 18 posts

#spotify - 17 posts

#asks &lt;3 - 16 posts

#bkdk - 14 posts

#soukoku - 13 posts

#sskk - 13 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#it was so unfeeling and repetitive and like. sir. i can’t relate to ur experiences and u aren’t doing a very good job making me care abt it

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

bungo stray dogs is a piece of media thats so filled with tumblr energy. Its like a collective mass hallucination of famous author fanfiction with just the right amount of derangedness, mental illness, generational trauma and existential crisis. Each and every character gives major gender envy. Everything is enemies to lovers to enemies to freinds to lovers to enemies. Everything the characters do is high-key illegal and everyone agrees that old guys in the government r useless except for this one triple spy who's sleep deprived to a fault. There is a guy who is chronically online and absolutely cannot leave his futon. There's another guy who could write novels in days and is more attached to a racoon than the rest of the world. bram stoker listens to spotify. bsd is the true tumblr-esque media.

Edit: and as it often appears bsd characters become each other's blorbos. They wanna hug each other they wanna see them going through the undying pain of human existence they spin them around in a mental microwave or smth

Edit edit: also tumblrinas love literary analysis and bsd is full of literary motifs

420 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

ranpoe actually foils fyolai bcs when poe had his mind set on killing ranpo he had a moment of realization that he wouldn't know how to live in a world w/o him, and several chapters after he became besties w/ ranpo, but nikolai already knows that fyodor is his intimate friend, there will never be another person like fyodor for him, yet still decided to kill him, bcs he "wants freedom more than any kind of joy"

434 notes - Posted June 29, 2022

#3

Kacchan is the only thing Izuku allows himself to have

and it's why Izuku’s always vague when it came to the intensity of his feelings about Kacchan & why Katsuki at first instinctively pushed Izuku away. 

idk if anyone has done this before, but anyways here's my fav aspect abt BakuDeku's relationship: Izuku's possessiveness over Kacchan and Kacchan only.

So I've been thinking abt Kamino a lot, and specifically two scenes: a) Izuku shouting "Give him back to me!" to Mr. Compress, and b) Izuku's devastated scream after Bakugo was taken away.

Izuku is an extremely selfless person, with only the heart for "saving people". That was part of the reason why he was almost immune to Katsuki's bad attitude towards him: dude doesn't think about himself a whole lot, alright. He's just kind of out of it. An observer. He wants to focus on his own feelings much less than he cares about others.

When have you seen Izuku do something for himself? Sure, he wanted to become a hero, he wrote 13 notebooks' worth of hero analyses. But this may as well only be an exertion of his obsession abt quirks & strategies, because despite all the talk about his dream, he never actually thought to exercise and improve his body strength before he got the OFA.

Here's an idea: Izuku doesn't know how to do things for himself, unless given a larger purpose. He takes little care of his own ambition before taking the world's weight onto his shoulders.

And he is subconsciously avoiding any selfish thinking, especially any private feelings he has about Kacchan, platonic or otherwise. 

He doesn't know what has triggered the blackwhip; can't remember what Kacchan told him before almost sacrificing himself to save him; doesn't remember whatever made him go berserk in battle. He acted like none of this emotional turmoil he experienced happened at all and went back to being this people-saving, smiling sunshine every. single. time. Even after Kamino, his first thought was Kouta, except that after Todoroki mentioned Katsuki, the light returned to his eyes and he finally broke down. 

Izuku actively avoids thinking about anything that causes strong emotions to erupt in him, yes, but more importantly, even when he is recounting these experiences to others, he omits whatever part that concerns Kacchan (i.e. when he told his classmates “I couldn’t save what was in front of me” - right, but Izuku, why are you describing Kacchan as if he is just anyone else instead of the person you have looked up to for all your life?)

He doesn’t allow himself to be selfish, to be partial, to treat Kacchan as somone special even when that’s what he does (notice how he’s always going like “Kacchan and the others”). 

Let’s look at what he said to Mr. Compress again: “Give him back to me!”

Didn’t he almost sound like a child who was robbed of his favorite toy? 

Why would he feel such possessiveness over Kacchan, though? 

Kacchan is Izuku’s Symbol of Victory, right? Izuku follows him, admires him, idolizes him (”closer to me than All Might, this amazing person in my life”). Here it is: Kacchan has been somewhat of an idol to Izuku, the incarnation of victory. 

Kacchan was part of Izuku’s definition of heroism; and heroism, to Izuku, is almost like a religious belief. He draws strength from it, uses it to cope with the pain of being quirkless, and admires All Might as one might do any deity. 

I’m going to go a little further here: when one prays to whatever deity one believes in, one is often praying to this concept inside one’s head, and taking what one needs from this private connection. Similarly, Izuku feels possessive over Kacchan because the latter to him is something of a god-like character, from the attachment to whom Izuku draws his desire to win. To Izuku, Kacchan is not just the Symbol of Victory. It’s his Symbol of Victory. 

Katsuki is his. His sun, his god, his drive to win. 

Izuku, who is so selfless that he rarely wants things for himself, doesn’t want to acknowledge that he can, in fact, be a little selfish when it comes to Kacchan. 

Meanwhile, as Mr. Compress had stated, Bakugo doesn't belong to anybody. And with such a big ego Bakugo would hate to be anything but independent. Something about Izuku made him want to keep his childhood friend at arm's length; he felt as if Izuku was stronger than him, looking down on him - and where does he get this feeling? Because Izuku offered to help him once at four? Stood up to him a couple of times?

There is another dimension to it, I think: it was also because Izuku had always followed him. And Katsuki, being the kind to always over-think, could mistake Izuku's possessiveness for Izuku seeing himself above him.

If an independent person ever finds himself on the receiving end of such possessiveness, he would feel chained, scared, and pissed off. Don't come, Deku, I don't want anything to do with you because the way you stick with me as if I belong to you, it almost chains me down. 

Thanks for bearing with my shipping brainrot xD

445 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

#2

B-B-Boyfriend? Like a guy who your body moved on its own for when he was in danger? Who you've grown up with? Activated a whole new quirk for?

550 notes - Posted March 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

being invested in bsd is such a unique experience bcs u watch the anime and think oh theres mafia and detectives and terrorists this shit's so hardcore and then u open bsd wan and they r kindergarteners and magical girls and princesses and ur just like. look at my cute little uwus <3 and then u read the manga and was hit with like three different schools of philosophical thoughts and suddenly become interested in classical novels with rlly deep themes and start to develop an existential crisis. its like yeah i watched an anime abt super powers and it all went downhill from there lol

993 notes - Posted June 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[meyhew]

so i’ve seen far too many comments since s&b came out that are comparing kaz to the darkling. things like, “how come kaz gets to be a hero loved by everyone who hates the darkling when they’re both morally grey murderers?” and frankly i’m sick of every variation of the sentiment.

even though they never meet in the books and their stories have nothing to do with each other, kaz and darkles are foils of one another. just so what i’m saying doesn’t get misconstrued at any point in this point, a foil is “a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist.”

what we know about the darkling: he dabbles in merzost and the end result is the fold. centuries pass and he doesn’t figure out a way to get rid of it (because he can’t). alina comes along and instead of actually eliminating the fold like he says he will, darkles exploits alina's powers to push boundaries of the fold and sacrifices thousands of lives in order to expand his own power. he quite literally enslaves her for months and puts her through so much psychological abuse—and that’s excluding the torture and deaths of her loved ones. darkles’ ultimate goal is power power and more power. nothing else. he starts by wanting safety for the grisha but delving deeper and deeper into merzost corrupts him from the inside out. by the time we meet him, grisha safety is no longer his main concern; if it was, he wouldn’t have served genya to the king. individual grisha lives are disposable to him. alina is disposable to him, bar her sun summoning powers.

what we know about kaz: he comes to ketterdam with his brother jordie after the death of his parents and, long story short, jordie dies because some rich merchant (pekka) cons them and they’re too young to see it coming. kaz has to use his brother’s corpse as a raft to survive swimming to shore, lest he die too. this all happens when kaz is nine years old. he then becomes consumed with avenging jordie and destroying pekka brick by brick. everything he does somehow serves the purpose of ruining pekka in the long run—or he tells himself. kaz rietveld becomes kaz brekker. kaz brekker is cold and cunning and ruthless and he’ll do the despicable things no one else will but he still has an undercurrent of humanity, which leads me to my point:

out of the two of them, kaz is the only one who is morally grey. darkles is straight up black. there is no actual moral complexity because he feels no guilt or remorse about any of his actions.

in rule of wolves, beloved alina makes an appearance and says to the darkling, “Tell me you regret some of it. Any of it. It’s not too late for you.” and to that he replies: “I didn’t come here to speak lies. Do you really believe this is the life you were meant for? Powerless and pathetic? Wiping the noses of children who will forget you? Telling them bedtime stories that will never come true?”

now. it’s evident how little he thinks of alina’s choices and how much he doesn’t regret his own. the choices that include: putting a collar on alina, pretending to be mal to get in alina’s bed, blinding his own mother and causing her subsequent death, torturing genya more than once, using zoya, destroying novokribirsk and who knows how many cities with the fold, leaving a demon inside nikolai. the list goes on and on and he feels remorse for none of it. and i'm not going to sit here and tell you that kaz is an ethical person who feels guilty and remorseful about the awful things he does, but kaz has an undercurrent of humanity in him. he’s a man driven by revenge, but at his very core he is still human.

in crooked kingdom inej manages to escape getting her legs smashed by telling van eck that kaz would never take her back that way. she’d be no use to him. and she fully believes that. she doesn’t say it to trick van eck; she very much believes that inej with broken legs would be a waste to kaz brekker and he’d simply get himself a new spider. because that is the reputation he has built for himself.

“He was going to break my legs,” she said, her chin held high, the barest quaver in her voice. “Would you have come for me then, Kaz? When I couldn’t scale a wall or walk a tightrope? When I wasn’t the Wraith anymore?” Dirtyhands would not. The boy who could get them through this, get their money, keep them alive, would do her the courtesy of putting her out of her misery, then cut his losses and move on. “I would come for you,” he said, and when he saw the wary look she shot him, he said it again. “I would come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together—knives drawn, pistols blazing.”

it’s not an admission of guilt or regret or remorse, i admit, so let’s look at one:

“For the briefest moment, Kaz and Van Eck sized each other up from across the bridge. Kaz couldn’t help but be reminded of when they’d faced each other this way seven days ago. He’d thought too much about that meeting. Late at night, when the day’s work was done, he’d lain awake, taking apart every moment of it. Again and again, Kaz thought of those few crucial seconds when he’d let his attention shift to Inej instead of keeping his eyes on Van Eck. It wasn’t a mistake he could afford to make again. That boy had betrayed his weakness in a single glance, had ceded the war for the sake of a single battle, and put Inej—all of them—in danger. He was a wounded animal who needed to be put down. And Kaz had done it gladly, choked the life from him without pause for regret. The Kaz that remained saw only the job: Free Inej. Make Van Eck pay. The rest was useless noise.”

he kills the part of him that put inej’s life in danger, that compromised all of their safety, and he doesn’t let himself regret that. he does regret having landed himself and others in this predicament. he does regret that inej’s life hangs in the balance because of him. because of his trauma and because of the person he has sort of been forced to become, he might not be able to articulate his guilt and regret and but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel those things. those feelings are there because, unlike darkles, kaz hasn’t been corrupted by power. kaz is greedy but not for power over other; he has a one track mind and that’s taking apart pekka’s life brick by brick. kaz is a victim of circumstance; darkles is not. kaz commits violence when he has to; darkles commits violence because, after so long of doing so, he relishes in it. i’d go so far as to say that kaz isn’t even greedy, per se. he wants money, yes, but not for the sake of having money. he wants more and more money because that means less and less money for pekka.

(this is a very good post to read re: kaz’s humanity) 

and i’ve seen the argument from occasional showl only fan that kaz is just like the darkling because he own inej (since he’s “buying” her from tante haleen). kaz pays off her indenture to haleen, he does not buy her. kaz gives her a shot at freedom—something she would not have had without him. he doesn’t make her get the crow club tattoo like everyone else because “he wouldn’t be the one to mark [her] again.” in the books, kaz sells his shares of the crow club to pekka so he can help inej. he then buys a ship for inej so she can hunt slavers. he reunites her with his parents. on the show, he essentially liquidates his assets to get inej out from under haleen’s roof. in the books and on the show, at every turn kaz gives inej a choice whenever he can.

try and line that up with darkles sparkles. he isolates alina into the little palace even if he makes it seem like a splendid place. he cuts off her communication from mal and makes her feel abandoned, giving him an easy opportunity to charm a lost girl. who wouldn’t fall for the sexy powerful man doting on you’ve lost everything else? he never gives her any options regarding what she can do with her powers. he tells her what he has to do. when she doesn’t comply, he forces her to. he puts a collar on her. he brands her as his puppet. he perverts her power with his own. he kills the only parent figure she’s ever had. time and time again, he strips alina of her agency, holds her captive, hurts the people she cares for.

to put it succinctly: darkles is the government and kaz is an anarchist. kaz is a byproduct of people like the darkling. darkles is a ruler. his responsibility is to take care of the grisha under his command. kaz is a 17 yr old kid. he has no such responsibilities. his only commitment is the vow he made to avenge his brother’s death, which happened because of a man like the darkling—hungry for more more more. in six of crows kaz says, “When everyone knows you’re a monster, you needn’t waste time doing every monstrous thing.” and like… that directly juxtaposes the darkling, who does feel compelled to do every horrific thing he can do. kaz is mostly bark with an occasional bite; darkles is a feral dog that needs to be put down. 

without using thousands of words: darkling is an ancient powerful being and kaz is a CHILD. there should be no comparison of their morals and ethics.

[black-rose-writings]

I read Ruin and Rising because I’m bored

And I also hate myself

Like with the last book, I have a vague idea of the plot and stuff from tumblr and fanfics. I will also be refering to Darkling as Sasha for most of this.

I am still Darklina trash and don’t particularly like Mal.

On a different note, I’ve finally moved for college, but the internet here is trash, so I’ll probably have a lot more reading time now, since most games I play are online and will crash without internet.

Before

Cool story. Let’s hope Alina stays a badass.

Who am I joking, I know how this ends.

Chapter 1

So far so good. I hate the Apparat, per usual. Alina’s there basically dying and that bitch can’t wait to see her do so.

Cult leader to the core this one. He probably hates that his figurehead is alive and also not brainwashed.

Cult leader doesn’t like swearing. How surprising.

My boy David is completely right. What kind of irresponsible dingus keeps centuries old books in a fucking wet-ass cave? (Or a tree for that matter *cough cough* The Last Jedi *cough, cough*).

Genya is fun to be around.

Oh, shit, let’s go.

Chapter 2

Jesus Christ, Alina, Zoya isn’t that bad.

This is one hell of a shitshow.

I live for this version of Alina. Badass. Scary. I want more of this Alina.

Chapter 3

Out of all the random little details from crappy smut fics, I did not expect Oncat to be from the books, lol.

Mal actually has a supernatural tracking ability. Like, literally, they put a bug into the pouch with gunpowder so he could make the shot. I guess this was kinda said before, but never this directly, right?

Alina’s merzost-skyping Sasha now, yay.

Alina is horny for Sasha boy. Yay.

Alina canonically has a praise kink. Nice.

I hate LB with all of my heart at this very moment. How dare she bait us Darklina people like this? How DARE she? (Shipbaiting is the worst, seriously.)

Yes, yes, yes. These two lines. That’s what their relationship is all about. They’re each others foils, the yin to the other’s yang and... ugh. I am Darklina trash to the core and this hurts.

Darklina: You have a terrible taste in men.

Alina: I liked you once.

My boy Sasha walked into that one.

Chapter 4

Alina is a Queen. And we love her.

David, my beloved, my spirit animal.

It’s surprising they can read it at all, given it’s been centuries. Have you ever tried reading medieval manuscripts?

Honestly, with a father that crazy, it’s no wonder Baghra’s a bitch. And I’ve seen it said somewhere that the books imply Ilya’s experiments are what caused Baghra to be a shadow summoner and you know what? I can see how you’d make that connection.

Why is there so few Tidemakers in the books? Waterbenders are useful. I want more waterbenders.

Alina picking up some habits from Baghra I see.

Ah, yes, we love an educated giant.

I’m starting to think Harshaw is a bit nuts.

Shut up, Hershey. Or at least share the weed with the class. I’m not here for this “He’s mean to you because he likes you”. I might believe that in like, elementary school, but yall are (more or less) adults. Jesus.

Well, that was a bombshell of a twist.

Chapter 5

Oh boy, we’ve got some trauma bonding for out merry band of misfits. Yay.

Adrik has a crush on Zoya. And she hates it, lol. Cut the kid some slack, he’s like 15 or something.

That reminds me, I have a four-leaf clover pressed in books from close to year and a half ago. Time flies.

They’re really diving into the Mal has supernatural powers, huh?

Ghosts, let’s go.

Alina “I’m so happy to be outside I start to shine like a fucking fairy” Starkov and Mal is entranced. He’s definitelly nicer now. I’m not forgiving him for all the shit he’s pulled before and for using the silent treatment way too much, but hey, at least he’s improving.

I am not a Zoyalina person, but like... gay? Please? Rivals to grudging allies to friends to lovers, 300k slowburn? Sounds more fun than whatever Mala dn Alina have going on, lol.

(I’m starting to realize I’m not as much a Darklina person as I am anti-Malina person, lol. Like, literally everyone has a more interesting dynamic with Alina than tracker boy over there. Malina is at best boring AF and at worst toxic, codependent and emotionally abusive, while also being boring AF at the same time. It has literally nothing going for it except God herself liking it).

I can see why Nadia is gay in the show. The book version of her definitelly has a crush on Tamar. Homegirl likes a woman, who can murder her with the flick of her wrist and honestly? Same.

Alina has some big “coming out of lockdown after a year” energy atm.

The cat is one of the most realistic characters in this thing, lol.

And since Tamar is also heavily queercoded, our lovely ladies make off into the night, flirting. Or maybe not. Let me dream, though.

At least Blade Boy is aware that his tattoo is stupid. To quote someone ranting about him on tumblr: He’s embracing his identity as a tool.

Oh, boy, this will be fun.

Evil soldier is horny for Mal. Saints, is there a woman in this book who isn’t horny for Blade Boy?

And here comes Niki to save the day.

Chapter 6

Niki saved the day.

Fiberglass? And David being David. Genya being in love with her nerd of a boyfriend.

Jesus Christ, this one crazy kid has moved the technology in this universe a whole century on his own. So, when is David going to propose to him?

Baghra hasn’t changed much I see.

Baghra’s about to drop some truthbombs, but no, we have to be rudely interupted because Genya’s rapist is throwing a fit.

Chapter 7

How does Mal sound? Is she gonna say the Blade boy sounds like her dad? I mean, I know voices are partially genetic, but it has been tens of generations between them, probably.

So, we’re finally taking Genya’s trauma seriously after all this time? Good. Better late than never, I guess.

I wish that regicide was already finished and I’m pretty sure that Genya does, too. Stop defending the fucking king, narrative.

David’s a nerd in all things I see.

Someone please just kill the king already. And the queen, too, for good measure.

Now that’s a romance.

Infodumping and listening to said infodumps is a legitimate love language, Alina. Let them nerd out over poisons.

Wait, has Alina never directly killed anyone before? I thought she did... hmmm.

And just like that, it should have been over. Ugh.

Somehow, Baghra is a better teacher now than she was before. She half feels like a completely different character.

Nevermind, she’s back at it.

Chapter 8

Holy shit, Nadia and Tamar are canon. They have canon gays here.

So, which one of them is gonna die?

Chapter 9

We arrive at that scene. The one, where they should have fucked.

Jeez, girl, get a hold of yourself. Life is short, fuck a villain.

In other news, Genya and David definitelly fucked.

Chapter 10

Poor David. He just wanted to know.

Damn... I never realized just how young Baghra was, when she killed her sister.

I’ve already made a post about this, but it really does strike me like Baghra has already decided to end her life at this point in the book.

Why is that whole “but what if we’re related” thing even in there?

Chapter 11

We love a suprise attack.

When did Sasha boy learn that trick?

Baghra really just did that. Oh boy.

Chapter 12

No, don’t kill the kid... ugh.

Emotiona support cat. She should be friends with Milo.

Porrige for brains. Oof.

So Nadia was the one, who got bees set on her in the book. Cool.

That’s a good question. Why was it never brought up to Alina, that other Grisha get blocks, too?

David already thinking of steampunk prosthetic for Adrik is honestly kinda sweet.

Chapter 13

Back home... kinda.

Is that really... you really care about Mal bonking the Grisha school mean girl over a year ago? Okay.

Chapter 14

Angst! Yay!

And more angst.

Chapter 15

Sasha really went “My mom killed herself to save you? Well, I’ll kill the closest thing to parents you have.”

Chapter 16

Nikolai’s alive. Kinda.

And these two have such a sibling energy, I can’t.

And then they fuck. Ew.

Chapter 17

Wait, wait wait... so Alina isn’t even the one to destroy the Fold?

Okay. That’s... weird.

Holy shit. That was...

So, Aleksander is dead. Mal isn’t. Someone else destroyed the Fold for Alina and now she has no powers.

Okay.

That’s a weird-ass ending.

Chapter 18

The gays survived, so that’s nice.

Genya made good on her promise of making Alina a ginger, lol.

After

What emotion is this supposed to give me? Cause all I feel is kinda sad.