#but I’m exhausted at the end of the day bc of being nervous- which hopefully will lessen

[highwaydiamonds]

So - halfway through the day - ok sort of anyway (I work til 6 technically but rn we’re pm only on the phones til about 5) but I’m not freaking out which is progress! Does that mean I’m not nervous for this afternoon- of course not! I am an over achiever when it comes to anxiety! But people have been helpful and encouraging and I feel like I am slowly improving with the systems. But dude - it’s a lot. I think I’ll get there but it’s a lot. When is it the weekend already?

[adorerdraco]

Not My Type (Like You) ✧ Draco x Reader

Request: you should like do a one shot or even another mini series about amortentia/love potions in general. i’d soooo read that

AU SEVENTH YEAR WHERE VOLDY NEVER CAME BACK <3 f**k that mf !

italics are for flashbacks <3 i love them if you couldn’t tell 

Warnings: mean!draco, cursing, more mature themes/ideas, little bit of spice towards the end teehee but not too much bc idk how to write smut to save my life

Words: 4.5K

A/N: I saw a tiktok that kinda inspired this and i couldn’t get the idea out of my heaaaad if anyone knows which one im talking ab send it my way so i can show !!!! ALSO I LOVE THIS ONESHOT I LOVE DRACO AND I AM IN MY FEELINGS this might be my new favoriteeeee

Draco Malfoy was insufferable.

The Prince of Slytherin was unbearable for many reasons, things you've been taking notice of since your first year at Hogwarts when you accidentally had the ”pleasure” of interacting with him when he called you stupid in a class for reciting a spell incorrectly. That day, a hostility blossomed. A hostility that ensued nothing but teasing, mocking, and criticizing that would sometimes go too far and you'd both have to be pulled away from each other by your friends’ before either of you said anything excessively harsh that had no return.

You often felt like Malfoy sought you out to bother you and only for that. You could be sitting in the Quad with friends, conversing and laughing like nothing in the world mattered, and a few minutes later you'd be hurling insults towards the blond across the courtyard after he would yell something infuriating to you with that smug smirk on his face and his goons laughing wildly beside him as if he just said the most hilarious thing they've ever heard. 

On the days you’d ignore him, not having the patience or the energy to deal with him, he would still somehow find a way to push your buttons. Little things here and there like passing you in the corridors and tugging at the ends of your hair gingerly like a child but enough to tick you off or sending you notes from across the class in the form a small fluttering bird with a lousy drawing of you usually with a message along the lines of, “Y/L/N, hopefully, this note finds itself in the nest of hair you have today xx DM.”

In all honesty, there wasn’t a day you didn’t encounter Draco and it’s been that way for seven long years. Neither of you ever gotten tired of mildly or spitefully bullying each other and neither of you ever dreamed of stopping. He was one of the few constants in your daily life, and you in his. It was like you both lived on annoying the other, and in the midst of all the chaos that you brought to one another; there was a small, teeny, tiny acquaintance - not that either of you would ever admit it. You may have noticed it the time you bet each other ten galleons for who would win in the Triwizard Tournament your fourth year and he bet on Viktor Krum while you on Cedric Diggory. (he’s very much alive i refuse to think otherwise.)

“So you’re telling me, your mother is the reason why you’re not at Durmstrang,” you scoffed. “This whole time I could have been saved four years of headaches.”

“You’re just jealous some of us have more opportunities than others,” he snarks back pompously. “Unlike you, I hardly believe you would be graceful enough to even be considered admission into Beauxbatons.”

You had gone to see the last task of the competition just like the rest of the schools, all packed tightly onto the stands and watching carefully the exit of the maze. Naturally, you had arrived with your own friend groups, but somewhere during the time of sitting there and even being a few rows behind the blond and his minions, the two of you had met in the middle bench after he was trying to prove something wrong to you. 

When Cedric appeared back in front of the stands with the glowing Triwizard cup held high over his head in victory and every Hogwarts student loudly celebrating, you had jumped up from your seat and shook wildly an irked Draco beside you. He roughly shrugged your hands off his stiff shoulder, looking up at you with a sneer that you met with a bright beaming smile.

“Pay up, Malfoy!” You held out your hand towards him, opening and closing your fingers to receive the bet money. “I believe it was ten galleons you owe me.”

He begrudgingly reached into his coat pocket and fished out the coins, counting them defeatedly before tossing them into your palm. “What a waste of galleons.”

“Hey, you made the bet,” you reminded him with a still very bright smile. You shoved the money into your pockets, keeping one of the gold coins in between your fingers, and gave him a small hair ruffle that he harshly recoiled from before you turned to jump back up towards the level of stands your friends were originally sitting at.

“Were you really sitting with Malfoy this whole time?” One of your friends questioned when you reached them, a goading smirk on his face.

“Ooooh, she definitely was,” another friend piped up, wiggling her eyebrows. “They’re obsessed with each other.”

“Shut up,” you smack her arm casually, showing the pair the one gold galleon you were holding. “We are not. I was only sitting with him to get my bet money.”

“Sure,” they drawled in unison, sniggering when you threw your head back in annoyance.

You looked down the rows to see the mop of white hair you just sent into disarray. He was slowly descending the stairs of the stands with Crabbe and Goyle following closely behind him. Almost as if he felt your eyes on his back, he turned back to look at you, his cold gray eyes gazing into yours. It was like everything around you went quiet, the only thing in your focus was him and all you could do was stare back. It wasn’t until your friends started stifling laughter and whispering “aww’s” that you snapped out of the short-lived and odd few second trance you were in. He waited for you to do something before he turned back around, and you did - by holding up both hands; the one golden galleon on your left and your middle finger on your right, grinning to yourself when he rolled his eyes throwing you the finger right back before he finally disappeared into the mob of people below.

You were briskly walking down the corridors, books held tightly to your chest with your friend at your side while you made your way to Advanced Potions with Slughorn after Snape finally made his way into the DADA position. It was an easy class, potions being something you had a knack for and it gave you enough leisure to mess with your “favorite” Slytherin who shared it with you. 

“Look there goes your boyfriend,” your friend teases, elbowing your upper arm roughly and nodding her head down towards the hall to the tall blond appearing around the corner and entering swiftly into the class.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” you hiss. “I’m tired of everyone saying that. I hate him and he hates me, end of story.”

“You know when you say you hate him, it just sounds like the opposite,” she says tauntingly. “Besides, hate is a strong word and very misplaced. Maybe, it’s just years of built-up tension that both of you have been too nervous to do anything about.”

“Tension? Yeah, I want to strangle him,” you laugh to yourself at the thought.

“Not that tension, idiot,” she shakes her head, “I mean sexual tension...clearly.”

You gave her a horrified look mixed between being disgusted and being offended. You held your hand over your mouth and pretended to gag as dramatically as you could. “I am appalled that you would even say that. I would rather be locked in a room with Filch and Peeves and hear them argue and fight all day than to be with Malfoy like that.”

“Come on, think about it,” she encourages, stopping the two of you a little ways away from the classroom. “You guys 'hate' each other?” She finger quotes the hate, looking at you with a raised eyebrow. “When you hate someone, you don’t go out of your way to talk to them every day.”

“It’s not like that,” you wave a hand dismissively. “Also, this isn’t a cliche, this is real life. We hate each other, that is all there is to it.”

You picked up the walk again, your friend to following behind you while letting out a deep and exhausted sigh. You couldn’t help but think about what she said, sure, perhaps at one point you thought Draco was attractive with his bright silver hair, his glittering gray eyes, his little button nose that he would crinkle up every other word he spoke in his charming haughty voice, or the way he’d tower over you in the middle of a conversation gone wrong and he’d be talking lowly to you but all you’d be able to focus on was the sweet scent of apples and cologne that radiated off of him.

“No,” you whispered almost silently to yourself, forcing yourself out of your thoughts and shaking your head from side to side as if it was going to get the image out of your head. He was mean, disrespectful, arrogant, and insulted you daily - even if you both laughed about it or gave props for the perfect jabs.

The first thing your eyes landed on when you walked into the dingy Potions classroom was Draco, his focus trained on the ceiling as if he was deep in thought. Just as his eyes were about to flicker down towards you, and sensing that he was about to, you quickly avoided his gaze and concentrated onto Slughorn who was waiting patiently by his desk with a bubbling cauldron for you and your friend to join the crowd in front of him.

“Great! Now that we’re all here,” Slughorn began excitedly, fixing the sleeves of his robes as he grabbed the ladle in the cauldron and began stirring it while continuing his lecture. 

You were trying to listen, capturing only the professor’s last sentence as he called on someone who raised their hand. All attention was thrown out the window when you realized Draco was standing near said classmate, a look of annoyance suddenly clouding his features when his pale eyes met yours.

“What?” He mouthed. You ignored him, trying to turn your concentration back onto Slughorn but nothing he was saying made sense, and right as you caught a word you did understand, a shuffling and an abrupt arm knocking into yours threw you right back out of the loop.

“Watch it,” you snap hushedly when you notice who it is. “Why are you over here?”

“I can’t say hello to my number one fan?” He whispers back, snickering slightly when you scoffed quietly.

“Fan? Says the one who shoved his way through the crowd to come over here,” you grumble, crossing your arms. 

“I hardly shoved,” he mutters. “I only moved because I couldn’t see Slughorn from where I was standing. Not everything’s about you.”

“Really? Because to me, it seemed like you came over here for my attention.”

He let out a breathy chuckle, a patronizing smile making its way onto his face. The type of typical boy smile where his mouth is half agape with his tongue smoothing over his teeth as he stared off across the room with his fingertips rubbing thoughtfully against his jawline as he thought of what to say. You stood still as he bent down, nearing his mouth towards your ear and whispering hotly, “you wish, darling.”

Slughorn sent everyone to their paired tables, and as everyone began moving and Draco sauntered off away from you, you stood stuck there, shocked with the lingering chills that were sent down your spine from your archnemesis’ comment.

“I told you, you’re into each other,” your friend sang expectantly from behind you, grabbing onto your sleeve and directing the two of you towards your table. 

You were working peacefully at your workspace, cutting up, peeling, and crushing the ingredients that your friend was sliding across the surface to you. In the table behind you was where Draco was working annoyingly quiet, tossing the stripped stems of the roses at you that you had to peel, tiny thorns pricking at your ankles through your socks since the bigger thorns had been taken off for the potion. As payback, you would throw back loose extra pearl dust you ground up, giggling tauntingly when he would frown at you for getting the coarse white powder all over his Italian leather shoes and most definitely inside of them as well.

When you, and seemingly the rest of the class, had finally thrown in all the ingredients and the potion promptly finished brewing, beautiful clouds of white and pink smoke began rising from the cauldrons, each one having a lovely scent of first; freshly pressed high-priced linens, then a faint smell of a brand new racing broom out of a box with a freshly polished wood handle that then quickly transformed into a sweet harvest of apples, green specifically, and finally...

“Ugh, gross,” you pinched your nostrils closed, turning your body around and sending a scowl towards Draco’s way. “Malfoy, we get it, your cologne is expensive, now stop spraying it. I was smelling all these wonderful things and you ruined it.”

He arched an eyebrow at you, looking at you as if you were crazy. “Are you mad? I didn’t spray anything, I think you’ve finally lost it.”

“Well you laid it on too heavy this morning then, it reeks in here.”

“You’re one to talk, Y/L/N. Did you bathe yourself in that dreadful perfume you wear just now? And that ghastly lip shiner thing you use,” He sneers, crinkling up his nose. “I can’t even think straight, I might vomit.”

“Lip shiner? It’s called lip balm, you prat,” you retort, crossing your arms angrily. “Either way, I haven’t used or sprayed anything either so-”

“For Merlin’s sake!” Your friend suddenly exasperated loudly from beside you making you briskly whirl around to look at her, a look of pure annoyance etched onto her face. “Are you two really that daft? Honestly? Have you been paying attention to anything other than each other? For instance, the potion we just made?”

This gained the attention of your classmates around you in the surrounding tables, turning their heads slightly but not obviously with small knowing smirks on their faces while they snickered quietly and listened. It was soundless as you reached towards the book in front of your friend, pulling it painstakingly slow towards you in fear of the words that were written on the open page.

“Amortentia,” you muttered glumly as you read the page, pushing it away from you dejectedly as everything began to click.

“The reason you’re both smelling each other is because you’re what the other desires and is attracted to. Wow, what a revelation! As if the whole school didn’t already know.”

You were afraid to turn around. You could feel the cold and hard pair of eyes burning holes onto your back and the immediate amount of whispers and giggles of the people around you. Luckily, Slughorn was busy at the other end of the room, working diligently with another pair of students who managed to mess up their potion. 

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Draco announces finally.

“What’s so ridiculous about it?” You questioned, your heart falling to the pit of your stomach when you turned again and took notice of the way his lips were curling upwards as if it was the most disgusting thing he could have ever heard.

“Think about it, Y/L/N,” he deadpans. “Why would I ever desire someone like you?”

There had been occasions over the years when you were in this situation. None as drastic and as revealing, but there would be times when friends and others would poke fun and say the exact same thing your friend told you earlier. The usual, “they got the hots for each other!” and you would always brush it off and joke about how you could never, and he’d do the same. It was always amongst laughs and jokes, but as you looked at the Slytherin in front of you - there wasn’t a hint of amusement on his hardened face.

“Piss off, Malfoy,” you seethed, biting down hard on your lip to refrain from lashing out either in tears or in insults, you couldn’t decide. “If I’m so revolting, leave me alone from now on, I mean it.”

“I never said that,” he argues. “You’re just simply not my type.”

For some eerie, awful reason, the words tore into you like a sharpened knife going easily through butter. You were used to his insults, his mocking, his comments about your appearances - but this hurt, and you couldn’t explain why. You thought, for a second, possibly, that maybe your friend was right. Maybe there was a hidden attraction you had for the platinum blond that you buried deep away and one that he had for you. There was no way that was the case now, not at all. 

And for the first time in your life, you couldn’t be more sure of a simple little fact.

You hated him.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

You don’t know how long you spent sitting in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom, back against the cold tiled wall with your knees brought up to your chest. Your friends had tried to console you after the public rejection and humiliation, but their words only made you feel worse. You felt silly for being so bothered about being rejected by Malfoy, he wasn’t exactly someone you fancied, to begin with.

After dinner, you went off the grid and found yourself where you’re now sitting. The ghostly girl flew restlessly around you, popping out of her stall now and then to chat but then going back into her abyss of nothing when she learned you were still upset. You noticed it made her a little too pleased, considering the fact it was always her who was miserably wailing about her problems in the bathroom. She tried to hide it and let you talk to her about how you felt, but she gave terrible advice most of the time. 

“Well, if it was me, I would have never started fancying someone who was mean to me,” she mumbled. “Like when Paul Wighorn made fun of my hair for a whole year and laughed when I cried. I hated his guts then and I still do now.”

She had a point, but she was also Myrtle. Nothing about the overly dramatic ghost made sense.

“I don’t fancy him, It’s just weird,” you trail off. “I can’t imagine a day without him, even if he is a complete arse. We always joked about how we hated each other, but I didn’t think he actually meant it, I guess.”

“I think you do fancy him, though,” she whispers knowingly in your ear, making you flinch from her cold draft. “Stop denying it, it’ll only keep making you feel worse. Amortentia doesn’t lie, silly. Maybe when you drink it, but before that, all real feelings are there, whether you know it or not.”

You sat quietly, taking in her words before something came crashing down onto you like a wall of bricks.

“I suppose that means he’ll have to stop denying it too,” she adds thoughtfully. 

“Myrtle,” you rush to get up, smoothing your hair down profusely and fixing the wrinkles in your clothes. “You’re a genius.”

“I am?” She asks excitedly. “What did I say?”

You waved her off, giving her another thank you before rushing out of the bathroom and into the empty corridors. You were trying to go back to your dorm to sleep, hoping that when tomorrow came you would be bold enough to confront the Slytherin Prince but it was thirty minutes past curfew, something you didn’t notice until you were bustling down the steps in a rush and came face to face with the man of the hour himself doing his Prefect patrolling duties.

“Go to your dorm, Y/L/N,” he sneers. “I’ll take away house points, don’t test me,”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That I’ll take away house points? Watch me. Five-”

“No, you twat,” you groan, swatting his arm with your hand. “I don’t believe that I’m not your type.”

He stayed wordless for a moment, biting the inside of his cheeks and clenching his jaw as he peered down at you from his lanky height. “Why not?”

“Because I didn’t think you were my type until the amortentia made me aware of it,” you answer quietly. “Actually, my friend had a hand in it, but it was mostly the potion.”

Silence, again. Still and deadly. You could hear the large clocks around the school tick and tock, the hundreds of paintings snoring peacefully or chattering quietly. You avoided looking up at the boy in front of you, all of a sudden feeling small under his gaze until you felt cold fingers brush against your cheekbone and then softly through your hair causing you to finally look up into the soft wandering almost blue eyes. 

“I didn’t find out with the amortentia,” he muttered almost reluctantly as if it was the most difficult thing he had to reveal. “I’ve known I’ve liked you for a while.”

“How long is a while?” You curiously wonder aloud.

“I’m not telling,” he smirks. “Perhaps you’ll figure it out one day.”

Both hands came up to rest on your cheeks, slightly cold but soft and tender. It sent chills throughout your body as he took a step closer to you and then closer, backing you carefully into the diagonally ascending stone wall that went in the direction of the stairs. Your breathing was getting uneven, you noticed the way you accidentally switched to manually forcing yourself to inhale and exhale normally when he leaned down with his face now being mere centimeters from yours. It was torture, having your eyes closed and feeling the way his nose was brushing against yours, minty breath warm against your lips as he ghosted over them with his. He was so close, you smelt everything that was in the damn potion that got you here. It sent flutters of warmth down your body, trickling down and seeping deeply into every bone in your body as if this is was the remedy its been needing. This is what you’ve been missing.

When you finally felt a soft pair of lips being pressed into yours, it felt almost unreal that you were there. It was awkward the first couple of seconds, both of you wondering how in the world had you gotten yourselves in this position, but after you relaxed and he found his Prince of Slytherin confidence - it was magic. His lips moved languidly against yours, affectionately and full of longing. He kept his hands on your cheeks, still timid to move anywhere else while you kept yours resting lightly on his sides. It scared you a little, how fast and how easily you melted into each other, like if this was something you’ve been doing with him for years rather than torment the other for laughs. 

You hated the feeling when he pulled away, a gust of freezing castle air passing through the space between you and cooling your lips and face from his contact. His hands dropped down to his sides and he looked down at you with a small smile, a teeny bit smug, but happy. You wanted to feel the same way, but a question still loomed over your head, overpowering the giddiness you were vividly feeling.

“Why did you lie earlier?” You question softly, directing your gaze to the floor. “In class, I mean.”

He thought about his answer for a second, sighing deeply when he realized he had to uncover more truths about himself to you. You took a mental observation at that, he didn’t like to talk about feelings. “You didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look at me. I thought I’d beat you to it and reject you before you could reject me.”

“What made you think I’d reject you?” You coaxed. “Other than the fact that I made you a sworn enemy at eleven.”

“Exactly that,” he laughed lightly. “You’re unpredictable, Y/N.”

You smiled to yourself at the realization that he finally used your first name. “So are you, Draco.”

“Not really,” he grins. “Like in just a few moments, for example, I’m going to start snogging you.”

You opened your mouth to encourage him but shut it quickly when he closed the space between the two of you again, this time much closer than he was before. He was flush against you, and when you say you could feel everything; you could feel everything. You were almost begging for him to lean down and kiss you again by the time you felt his hands on you again, running delicately around the exposed skin of your hips when your shirt hiked up an inch on accident. He leaned down again, and with the advantage of his lowered height, you let your hands slide up his arms, biceps, and ultimately the nape of his neck where your fingers continued up into his hair. The breathiest gasp escaped his throat as you tugged at the ends gently, smirking to yourself when he closed his eyes in delight at the touch.

His lips came down onto your fast this time and hastily, pressing himself impossibly closer into you. You could feel his grip tighten against your hips, his hold moving upwards onto your waist as he continued to kiss you fervently. His teeth bit down softly on your bottom lip and you wasted no time in parting them slightly for his tongue to meet yours. You tugged at the platinum strands of hair again, feeling triumphant when a low groaning sound emitted from his throat at the sensation as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss further.

You knew you were done for when one of his hands slowly slid up your upper body, stopping first at your collarbones with warm fingertips fluttering over the skin, before he moved it upwards completely and he now had his large hand wrapped comfortably around your neck. You gasped in delight into the kiss, a swarm of butterflies going directly to your lower stomach as he squeezed against the artery in your neck meticulously, the coldness from his Malfoy family crest ring only adding fuel to the fire. He tore his mouth away from yours with his hand still clutched firmly around your throat and you were almost sent into orbit with the look he was giving you. A look filled with desire, adoration, and intensity - his pale gray eyes were much darker, almost a dark blue that resembled the starry night sky on a summer night.

Lips reattached themselves roughly and feverishly against your jawline, peppering long and tender kisses all the way towards your ear and then down towards your collarbones where he was beginning to undo the rest of the top buttons of your school dress shirt. You felt him smile against your hot skin when you’d writhe underneath him, emitting weak whimpers that you couldn’t hold back that he ended up having to clasp a free hand over your mouth as he whispered into your ear to stay quiet.

It didn’t matter that you were in the middle of a poorly lit corridor where anyone could walk past and see the frenzy that was unfolding, nor did it matter to Draco that his Prefect duties were long forgotten. Your friend was right, and everyone else for that matter; it wasn’t hate you felt for the blond at all, it was years and years of a craving and a hidden yearning packed with displaced tension.

And now, you were both exactly where you wanted to be; together.

[athina-blaine]

“Hey, everyone, welcome back to my channel. My name is Maggie Abernathy and today we will be continuing our investigation of the, uh, eldritch monster slash English teacher who calls itself Jonathan Sims.”

-

Maggie is determined to catch Mr. Sims via her channel, and then everyone would see how cool and smart she was, right?

For @skyberia​, check out their amazing art!

Chapters: 1/1 [Complete]

Words: 5,998

Tags: POV Outsider, Teacher AU, 160 Never Happened, Scotland, The Eternal Struggle for Validation, Statement-Related Trauma, this ended up being a little less crack humor than i had first intended lmao, i blame jonny

~

The video opens to the image of an empty school courtyard. There’s a grunt, and then a young girl runs into the frame, turning to face the viewer. She has wild hair and even wilder eyes and is patting the wrinkles out of her grey, baggy hoodie. She couldn’t be more than 13.

“Hey, everyone, welcome back to my channel. My name is Maggie Abernathy and today we will be continuing our investigation of the, uh, eldritch monster slash English teacher who calls itself Jonathan Sims.”

Cut to a classroom, the camera peeking through a zipper.

A man with dark hair and nice clothes was standing at the front with his back to the other students, writing on the board.The video quality drops sharply, a faint whine humming in the background.

A low-quality dub begins playing over the image.

“Jonathan Sims came here in September of 2019. After some investigation, I have discovered that he previously held a position at the Magnus Institute in London, which investigates paranormal activity. Coincidence?”

There's a shift, and a voice from within the video speaks out.

“Mr. Sims, I have a question!”

The man turns, and there’s an touch of impatience to his expression.

“Miss Abernathy, this is not the time for—”

“Where’s the ark of the covenant?”

A sigh. “It was dismantled and melted down in 588 BC. Miss Abernathy—”

“What’s written on the Voynich manuscript?”

“Astrological readings and herbal recipes.”

“Who killed—”

“Miss Abernathy,” the man says, stringent, “please stay focused on the lecture. I’ll answer any questions at the end of class.” He turns back to the board. “And put away your phone.”

A hand appears over the camera, shoving it deeper into darkness. Another fuzzy dub plays over the image.

“Mr. Sims knows all these things he shouldn't know! Everyone says he's just joking, but I think it's something else. Maybe he's an immortal?"

Cut to a bustling lunchroom.

T he camera stares between a carton of milk and an orange, pointed towards a table filled with adults. One of them is the man from before, sipping from a porcelain mug. His back is to the camera again.

Suddenly, a mysterious object sails through the air. It’s a cup of vanilla pudding. The man turns sharply, eyes landing on the incoming projectile, before it hit him square in the face.

“Did you see that!” a voice hisses as the man scrambles for napkins. “There’s no way he could have known what was coming unless he literally has eyes in the back of his head! Researcher’s note: he might literally have eyes in the back of his head. Investigate further.”

“Miss Abernathy—”

The camera spins to an older man with graying hair walking into the frame, and, with a bitten off swear, the image spins away entirely.

Cut to an empty, school hallway. The camera is facing the door to a classroom.

“Every day, at the same time, give or take an hour, Mr. Sims returns to his classroom for some reason. He always makes sure no one's nearby before going in and locking the door. What's he hiding?"

The man walks into frame, glancing up and down the hallway, before walking inside, closing the door behind him.

“I bet he's doing some kind of dark ritual or something. I swiped a key from the teacher's lounge," the camera points down to a hand clutching a silver key, "so let's bust him."

With a jerk, the camera rushes towards the classroom and bursts into the door.

“Mr. Sims, Mr. Sims, there’s an emergency!”

The man shouts, dropping a bag full of tapes and papers.

“Miss Abernathy, please,” the man, startled. “Where did you get that key?”

Another dub plays.

“Okay, so I didn't catch him doing anything weird, but it's only a matter of time, right?"

Cut to a pair of feet walking across the sidewalk, the camera rocking back and forth.

“Every Friday, Mr. Sims leaves the school grounds and goes into town. He might be meeting some other eldritch thing. Hopefully, we'll find out.

The camera peeks around a stone wall. At the end of the sidewalk, there’s the man talking to another man with short hair and glasses. They seem friendly. The second man glances directly into the camera, then lifts his hand and waves.

The first man whirls around and, with a tight mouth, begins storming over. There’s a muffled shriek and the image blurs, footsteps clacking wildly on the pavement.

“He does have an accomplice!” the girl says, panting.

Cut back to the courtyard. The girl is wringing her hands, and she clears her throat.

“So, I haven't found anything substantial yet, but I think I'm getting close. Remember to, um, like, comment, and subscribe, everyone, and I’ll see you next Tuesday.”

She walks out of frame and the camera is jostled. The video ends.

 Maggie’s alarm was going off. Reaching over, she tapped around for the snooze button. Five more minutes.

Failing to find the button, she groaned, and lifted her head.

6:43.

Her alarm was set to go off at 6:15. School started in 17 minutes, and it was a 20-minute bike ride, minimum.

Swearing, she ripped off her bedsheets and ripped clothes off their hangers in her closet. No, no, she already had detention this weekend for the pudding cup thing. She couldn’t be late today. Crap, where was her backpack? She plucked it out of a pile of discarded clothes on her floor, threw on her hoodie, and ran out her bedroom.

Speeding through her bathroom routine, she ran into the kitchen, snatching up a granola bar, before tearing through the living room. The sound of deep, rumbling snores stopped her.

Dad was sprawled on the couch, still wearing his work clothes, blanket knocked aside. He hadn’t even taken off his watch and his work boots were caked with mud. Maggie had been up until 3 AM editing her video, which means he must have come home even later.

Jeez.

She fixed the blanket and shoved a pillow under his head and he barely stirred. He must have been really exhausted. Maggie dropped a kiss on his head before sprinting through the door and clamoring onto her bike. If she really pushed herself, she might make it before attendance.

By the time she rolled into school, the second bell was ringing. Her name was second on the attendance sheet. She wasn’t going to make it.

Dumping her bike near the rack, not even bothering to lock it up, she burst through the double doors and raced up the stairs, throwing open the door to her first period classroom.

“—Abernathy.”

“Here!” she said, squeezing the word out of her overwrought lungs.

Mr. Sims looked up from the attendance sheet.

“Welcome to class, Miss Abernathy," he said, unperturbed. "Right on time."

It wasn’t. It was, in fact, five minutes after attendance was usually taken. Maggie didn’t have the energy to process that, though, slumping into her seat with relief, heart racing in her chest. Ugh, she was sticky and sweaty and felt gross. She hated cardio.

Mr. Sims finished taking attendance shortly after, and then asked for the class to turn in last night’s homework. He went from desk to desk collecting their papers, and he slowed when he reached Maggie.

“I would ask that you not stay up so late in the future."

He said it with a gentle, knowing curl of his mouth.

Maggie stared up at him. Any other time, she would have pulled out her notebook and jotted down such obviously suspicious activity, but, for now, she let herself savor the fact that she wouldn’t be having double detention this Saturday, and shrugged, pulling out her English journal.

There was time for investigating, later.

 It was pizza and green beans for lunch today. Maggie scanned for available seats. Today, she was lucky. There was a seat open by Cynthia, from math class.

“Um, hey,” she said, approaching the table. There was a hushed silence as eyes swiveled towards her, and she swallowed, nervous. “Can I sit here, today?”

One of the boy’s eyes shot towards another, who shrugged.

“Yeah, go ahead,” he said.

Pleased, she sat down. Usually, she’d have to sit in the far corner of the cafeteria. It was much colder over there.

“So, I, um, posted a new video last night, on my YouTube channel,” she said to Cynthia, stirring her green beans, “if you guys wanted to check it out.”

“You’re still making those things?” said Cynthia with a raised brow.

“Oh, uh,” she said, pausing at the tone of her voice as she said things. “Well, yeah. I’ve gotten, like, three new subscribers.”

“You’re so obsessed with him, you know that? It’s kind of creepy.”

Maggie barely held back her flinch. “I’m not obsessed, I’m investigating—”

“Isn’t he married?” said one of the boys. “I think I met his husband at the bake sale last month.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” said Cynthia. “My mom sees them both all the time in the café. Won’t shut up about how cute they are. Oh, that reminds me, we had this customer the other day—”

“I bet he’s doing something really freaky during study hall,” Maggie said. If she could just get them to care … “You know, whenever he goes back to his classroom? He always looks around to make sure no one’s watching and locks the door. Isn’t that suspicious?”

“Yeah, sure, weird,” said Cynthia, turning to the boy across from her. “So, we had this customer, and I think he must have been from Wales or something …”

Maggie opened her mouth, but nobody was looking at her. Embarrassment flushing her face, she stared down at her food, because still, still nobody cared about her videos. She briefly fantasized about huffing and picking up her tray and dramatically storming off, but there was nowhere else to sit. Nowhere but that cold back corner of the cafeteria.

She’d just need to dig up something more exciting to put in her videos. For instance, what it was that Mr. Sims got up to during study hall. Then they’d check out her videos. Then they’d see what a good detective she was.

She plucked up one of her green beans, but found she wasn’t hungry.

 Maggie knew there was something weird about Mr. Sims since pretty much the moment she met him; when the principal was introducing him to the class at the start of the semester, and he was taking attendance.

“Maggie Abernathy,” he had said, and Maggie’s eyebrows shot up, stunned.

“Um. Here?”

He didn't react to her surprise, moving on to the next student. At the end of class, she walked up to his desk, fidgeting with her hands in front of her chest.

“Why did you call me Maggie?”

Mr. Sims looked up, one brow raised. His expression was so severe and dignified that Maggie had to look away, too intimidated to make eye contact.

“It’s your name, isn’t it?”

“Actually, my name’s Margaret.”

“Oh, that’s,” he lifted the attendance sheet, squinting. “Yes, that appears to be the case. I apologize.”

Well, she didn't know about all that. Yes, Margaret had been her name, but she hated it. It was so old and came from her grandmother, who yelled at her all the time. She’d always wanted to have people call her Maggie, but she had this terrible vision of people calling it stupid. Only her diary knew what she really wanted.

Mr. Sims smiled, his expression gentling. It made him look a lot younger, and she flushed.

“Unless you would prefer to be called Maggie, Miss Abernathy?”

The heat on her face became that much worse, and she fixed her hair.

“Um, yeah, that would be cool.”

At home, Maggie was working on her new video and decided talk about her new teacher. She had titled it, My new teacher’s a cryptid!, half-jokingly, but it had received the most views she’s ever had. Almost 200! She had received one comment, the only one she'd gotten that wasn't from her dad, and it had said she should keep investigating.

So, she just sort of … started investigating. She hadn’t really expected anything else to come of it, but then Mr. Sims just kept acting strangely. Nothing to prove anything, not really, but just enough to make Maggie wonder that, maybe, there actually was something more going on here. And if it got her videos more views, then, well, she supposed it was a win-win.

It was more than just the name thing, after all. She always got the feeling Mr. Sims was … watching them, somehow. Even when his back was turn to the class. He always knew who was playing with their phone under the desk, who was cheating, etc.

Even outside of class, she sometimes got that feeling. It only became more obvious when the feeling went away; it felt like taking her backpack off at the end of the school day. That’s how she knew the best times to continue with her investigations. Like now, for instance.

Maggie waited until Mr. Sims left before sneaking over to the classroom. She could have anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour, so she needed to be quick. He locked the door, but Maggie had just swiped the key from the teacher’s lounge, again.

It’s not her fault they just left them dangling on a hook where anyone could grab it.

As quietly as she could, she slipped inside and closed the door behind her. Now, to investigate.

Pulling out her phone, she cleared her throat.

“Okay, um, hey, guys,” she said, voice low. “I’ve successfully infiltrated Jonathan Sims’ classroom. Hopefully, we’ll discover more information about whatever it is that’s happening here.”

Reaching for the desk, she froze. She hadn’t had a problem imagining going through his desk, but being here, actually faced with doing it, she found it much harder. This was his desk. What if he had something ridiculously private in here?

Come on. The camera’s rolling.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the first drawer, but found it to be locked. She tried all the drawers, but they were all locked. Dammit. What was she supposed to do now?

She scanned the desk with her camera just to have something interesting to put in the video.

“What’s with this weird tape recorder?” she mumbled, fingers brushing the buttons. “Looks ancient.”

Then, she heard a voice. Mr. Sims.

Crap. It would be suspension for sure if she was caught having stolen the key again. Trying not to move anything out of place, she sprinted towards the back of the classroom and into the closet. She could see though the slit panels as Mr. Sims entered the room, talking on the phone.

“—go straight home,” he said, taking his seat. “If you buy one more scented candle, I’m going to—”

He sighed.

“Yes, alright, fine. I love you, too.”

He hung up, and then pulled the tape recorder closer to him, grabbing a file from the stack of papers. Intrigued, Maggie held up her phone, still recording. Perhaps this wasn’t a waste of time after all.

Mr. Sims cleared his throat, and then pressed a button on the recorder.

“Statement of Timothy Dale regarding an appointment with his acupuncturist. Statement recorded by Jonathan Sims, former Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute.”

Maggie narrowed her eyes. He was taking a statement? Like some kind of cop? He had mentioned the Magnus Institute just now. Did this use to be his job?

How … boring. No wonder he left if this is what he did all day.

Mr. Sims took a deep breath, and then his voice … changed.

“I didn't think I had so much blood,” he said, softly. “I don't think I have so much blood. I don't know how I'm alive.” He paused, seeming to collect himself, before continuing, “It started when I went to visit my acupuncturist. I’m a pretty stressed out guy, you see. It’s funny, how something can sound so painful, like being stabbed with dozens of needles over and over again, can actually be quite relaxing, but Mrs. Lloyd had a magic touch.”

Maggie shuddered. Gross. She hated needles.

“Mrs. Lloyd wasn’t there that day, though. Instead was a strange man who called himself Mr. Bail. I asked where Mrs. Lloyd was and he said she was on an extended leave of absence, but that he would be able to provide a level of care even better than Mrs. Lloyd, if I was interested. Obviously, I was interested, I had been looking forward to this appointment all well, and I figured he was trustworthy since Mrs. Lloyd left her facility in his care, so why not?”

It may have just been the needles, but Maggie was starting to feel weird. Unpleasant. Maybe recording this was a bad idea, after all? But even though she thought about it, she couldn’t bring herself to lower the phone.

“The procedure began, and it didn’t hurt, but it felt different. Everything was fine until the end, when I noticed that some of the puncture marks were bleeding. I hadn’t even felt it. I confronted the man, enraged, but he said it was all a part of the healing process. He said it all with a smile. The front desk person was sensible enough to give me a refund. They were lucky I didn’t call the police. But something wasn’t right. The marks wouldn’t stop bleeding. No matter how long I kept the bandages on, they kept bleeding. Days went by and they just kept bleeding.”

This was gross. This was really, really gross. Did some guy really go to the Institute and make this kind of statement? It must have been a prank. Mr. Sims had to know he was being pranked, right?

She didn’t think he knew, though. He sounded scared. Why was he reading it if he was so scared?

She needed to get out of here. She might be suspended, but she didn’t care anymore, she just wanted to get away from this awful, awful story. But when she tried to move her legs, she found, with a sinking feeling, that they wouldn’t go. She willed herself to open the closet door, but it was like she was encased in a stone mold. She couldn’t even lower her phone.

The only thing she could do was shake, and breathe.

“I’ve lost so much blood these last few weeks. I don’t know how I’m still alive. My chest hurts and my breathing’s shallow and I’m so pale and cold, but more just keeps coming out. It’s gotten on everything; my clothes, my bed, the walls. And the smell …” Mr. Sims frowned. “Have you ever been around that much blood before? You can taste the metal in the back of your throat, all the time. It doesn’t go away.”

Stop.

Please stop ...

“And it just keeps coming.”

He talked and talked and talked, until Maggie’s eyes burned and her legs cramped. She was shaking so hard, she thought that at any minute Mr. Sims would hear her and save her from whatever this was. But he just kept reading.

Finally, Mr. Sims' voice returned to normal.

“Mr. Dale committed suicide shortly after this statement. Due to the amount of blood discovered in his home, the police initially suspected a burglary gone wrong, but there were no signs of forced entry. There’s little else to be gleaned from scanning through online archives.” He sighed. “Even the statement file had blood on it. It sounded like a pained existence. End recording.”

Maggie slapped a hand over her mouth to hold back her gulping gasp for air.

It was over.

Leaning back in his chair, Mr. Sims let out a long breath. The lines on his face seemed deeper. More tired than before. But there was something else. Something … satisfied. Nausea curled in Maggie’s stomach. He looked as if though he had just had a big dinner.

At last, Mr. Sims got up to leave, and she could have cried. She so, so desperately wanted to get out of this closet. She wished she had never come here in the first place.

But then, just as Mr. Sims fingers brushed the handle, she saw something on the back of his hand. Some kind of wrinkle, gnarled and ugly. How had she never noticed such an eyesore before?

But then, it opened.

It was an eye, bright green, and it was staring right at her.

When Mr. Sims closed the door, she slid to the floor, arms and legs wracking with tremors. Tears streamed down her face.

What did she do? What did she do? Lifting her phone, she tried calling dad, knowing full well he was likely in the middle of his shift, but she needed him.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” she whispered, biting her lip. It went to voice mail, and she buried her face in her knees, tears trailing down her cheeks in thick globs. “Please …”

She needed to get out of here. When the shaking subsided and Maggie felt like she could move again, she stumbled towards the school entrance, not even stopping to grab her bike.

She wasn’t sure where she was going, but anywhere was better than here.

 The 403 bus would be coming in another 34 minutes. It could take her to the Glasgow airport. She didn’t know exactly what to do with this information, although a vague plan of buying a ticket back to America was forming in the back of her head. Mom would probably be mad to see her, but there was nowhere else that Maggie could go.

A bus pulled into the stop, but it wasn’t hers. It was still another 23 minutes. She really hated living in the countryside, sometimes.

“Excuse me.”

She looked up. There was a man with soft brown hair and glasses standing near the bench. He must have just gotten off. There was something familiar about him, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

He smiled.

“Are you Maggie Abernathy?”

She straightened up with shock.

“Sorry,” he said, holding up a hand. “I’m a big fan of your YouTube channel. Your videos are very good."

Maggie's jaw dropped. Well, that was certainly ... unexpected. She tried to say something, but it kept getting twisted up by her tongue. She’s been so desperate for anyone to take even the slightest interest in her videos, that, now that she was given the chance, she didn’t even know where to begin.

“I, um, not really,” she said, tracing the pattern of her jeans. “I just copy stuff I see from other channels. You know, BuzzFeed, Ghost Hunt UK, and stuff.”

“Oh, Melanie King fan, are you?”

“I mean, yeah. She’s only got the best ghost hunting channel online. People say its Franco Overton’s channel, but they just like his dumb humor." She kicked at the gravel with a pout. "King has the real stuff.”

“I’ll be sure to pass along the compliments.”

It took a moment for her to process the implication, but when she did, it hit her like a brick wall.

“You’re friends with Melanie King?”

“Well, ex-coworkers, really,” he said, scrubbing the back of his head. “Although I’ve been trying to get her and her partner up for Christmas. She and my husband don’t really get along, though.”

Maggie only knew of two out gay couples in town, and, with a sinking feeling, she figured this man wasn’t Mrs. Adair. He wasn’t wearing nearly enough hair spray.

“You’re Mr. Sims husband, aren’t you?”

“Oh, does my reputation proceed me?” he asked, smiling. “My name is Martin Blackwood. It’s nice to meet you.”

Maggie lifted a hand in greeting, too stunned to form a polite response. If Mr. Blackwood knew about her videos and was watching her videos, that must mean …

“Does … does Mr. Sims watch my videos, too?”

“Sometimes. I keep telling him to talk to you about it, but he says to let you have your fun.” He laughed a little, “Honestly, I think you intimidate him."

Somehow, she had never considered that Mr. Sims could be watching her videos, too, and all the terrible things she did and said. Mr. Blackwood was watching them, too, who seemed so awfully nice.

Now Maggie remembered where they had properly met before, outside of her ambushing. It had been at the bake sale last month. Maggie had brought scones, but they were wrinkled and soggy, even though she thought she had stored them correctly.

Mr. Blackwood had advised her to sprinkle her scones with flour before putting them in the oven, that way the glaze would set in right. He still ate one, and said it was delicious.

What was such a seemingly normal man doing with ... whatever Mr. Sims was? Had she made some kind of mistake? But that was impossible. Even now, she could see the image of that, that thing on his hand.

Another image came to her, though. Mr. Sims had tried one of her scones as well. His eyes had widened, exclaimed them to be "Quite good" and asked what she had put in them, to which she said orange zest. At the end of the day, he had come back for a second scone.

Maggie's video that week had been all about how Mr. Sims seemed to have some kind of compulsion power, and all the malicious ways could potentially use it.

Maggie lowered her face in her hands, her stomach roiling so badly she thought she might vomit.

“Are you okay?” said Mr. Blackwood, taking a seat next to her. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to …” She trailed off, not even sure what she had even meant to do. “I just wanted to do something cool.”

“I think your videos are pretty cool.”

“No you don't," she said, under her breath. "No one does. Everyone at school thinks I'm creepy."

“I suppose you do get a little intense, sometimes. Although, I was really impressed how well you aimed that pudding cup.”

Her face flushed bright red, more embarrassed than she had ever thought possible.

“I’m sorry,” she sniffled, wiping her face. “I don't think those things about Mr. Sims. I just thought this channel would make people want to talk to me.”

Mr. Blackwood hummed, looking out towards the road.

“Well, I think you have the right idea, personally,” he said. “If you do the things you love long enough, you might meet people who love those things, too. And they might want to be friends.”

Maggie looked down at her feet. It was hard to process anything with how much was stuffing her brain. But Mr. Blackwood was nice. She liked the sound of his voice. Having him sit next to her, silent and patient, helped her senses settle themselves.

She grimaced. Had she really been thinking of flying back all the way to America?

Seeming to sense her struggle, Mr. Blackwood turned towards her.

“Is it alright if I ask what you’re doing out here?”

She futzed with her hands, trying to find the right words. This was Mr. Sims' husband, after all. “I saw Mr. Sims reading something. I think he called it a statement.”

Some of the color drained from Mr. Blackwood’s expression, and she fully expected him to call her crazy, because, yes, it was a little crazy, but instead, he said,

“That must have been rather frightening.”

Maggie blinked. He knew.

Mind racing with questions, she started with, “Why did he do that? It looked like he enjoyed it or something, but also like he didn’t. Like he was, I don’t know,” her nose twisted, “eating it.”

“It’s complicated,” he said. “He doesn’t enjoy it, though, but if he doesn’t do it, well,” he glanced down at his feet, “he won’t feel so good after a while.”

Maggie leaned back, considering the trees on the other end of the road. It sounded awful, having to read those terrible stories all the time. No wonder Mr. Sims looked so old.  She’d only listened to one, and she was pretty sure she was going to have nightmares for weeks.

A noise caught her attention. A car was pulling up to the bus stop, and when the door opened, every muscle in her body stiffened. It was Mr. Sims.

“Jon,” Mr. Blackwood said, rising to his feet and Maggie jumped up alongside him. Mr. Sims glanced at him, surprised, but his attention turned back to Maggie. She glanced at his hand, but nothing was there.

“Miss Abernathy,” he said, voice laced with distress as he closed the car door and began approaching them, “you can’t just disappear like that. The entire school is—”

Mr. Blackwood pressed a hand to his husband’s shoulder, leaning in close and whispering something into his ear. The expression on Mr. Sims’ face shifted from barely concealed concern to stark horror, the color draining from his face.

“Oh my god,” he said. “Miss Abernathy, are you—”

“I’m fine,” she said, quickly. Mr. Sims didn't seem to think it was fine, though. It unsettled her, seeing that fear in his eyes.

“I am so sorry," he said, holding his hand out, as if he were placating a wild animal. "You were never supposed to see that.”

“Is …” She hesitated, picking at a frayed thread in her hoodie. “Is it okay if I go home early today?”

Mr. Sims didn't seem capable of formulating a response. Mr. Blackwood squeezed his husband's shoulder, and smiled at Maggie.

"I'm sure that will be fine. How about we go back to the school together and wait for your parents?"

Her eyes slid over to Mr. Blackwood before returning to Mr. Sims. Both of their eyes held nothing but concern. Mr. Sims had brown eyes. Not green. She hadn’t noticed that before.

She nodded.

 Maggie got to stay home for the rest of the week.

After her voicemail, dad had lost his mind. She said she just had a bad nightmare after falling asleep in class, but that didn’t seem to be what was troubling him.

It was only later that day, towards the end of dinner, that he gently admitted he was furious at himself for missing such an important call. She told him it was fine, he was working, she knew that, but that didn’t seem to make him feel better.

He even took a few days off to spend time with her, make sure she was okay. They watched TV and played board games together. It was the most she'd seen him in months.

And she didn't have to go to school! Much as she loved her dad, that was still probably the best part. She had all her assignments emailed to her and she would sleep in until noon.

There was still her channel, though. During a bout of intense guilt, she had deleted it, barely giving herself time to second guess. She just couldn't stand the thought of all the things she'd said and done being bared before the world. Then, she turned to her phone. 

It took her hours to build up the courage, but when she finally played that video, she was almost disappointed to find that it was distorted beyond all recognition. She deleted it.

By the time the nightmares finally abated by the time Monday rolled around, she was actually starting to feel better, just a little bit.

 Maggie was in the school library when she saw Mr. Sims again. She had been in the middle of staring at the tail of a mountain hare, scratching her chin, when the door closed. She looked up to see him juggling an armload of books.

“Hey, Mr. Sims!”

He jumped, the books tumbling out of his arms and onto the floor with a loud crash. Maggie winced, and shot up from her computer, but Mr. Sims held out his hand.

“That’s alright,” he said, leaning down to begin picking up the books. “It’s good to see you again, Miss Abernathy. How are you feeling?”

“Better."

“I’m glad to hear it.” As he straightened up, dusting off the sleeve of the books, his expression shifted to something a bit more unpolished. “I should have told you this much earlier, but I wanted to apologize for frightening you so badly.”

Sheepish, Maggie soothed down a loose strand of her hair. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean it.”

Mr. Sims frowned, clearly deciding it mostly certainly wasn't okay. “Still, you can rest easy knowing I won’t be taking statements on the school premises any longer.”

"I shouldn’t have snuck into your classroom in the first place.”

“It’s not your fault, it was mine for not being more diligent."

Still, it must have been awfully inconvenient for him, but the way his lips curled downwards made her think he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She cleared her throat.

“I’m also sorry about filming you,” she said. “And stalking you. And throwing food.”

“It's alright. I’ve been through much more harrowing experiences than a wayward cup of pudding.”

Maggie had no trouble believing him, fully aware of the rumors of the scars that pocketed Mr. Sims skin, but she was pulled from her musings when Mr. Sims glanced down at her monitor.

“What are you working on?”

“Oh, um,” she fixed her hair, blushing, “the multimedia club asked if I could put together something for morning announcements. They wanted a segment on the rabbits that live nearby.”

“Did you get these images yourself?”

“No, I’m just editing it. Frank is the one who films it. He’s got this amazing camera his dad got him for his birthday.”

“Seems like it’s coming along nicely.”

“Thanks,” she said, taking her seat, picking at her cuticles. She wasn't quite sure what exactly the boundaries were, but she couldn't know until she asked. “So, like, you know everything, right?”

Mr. Sims raised a brow.

“Do you know when Brendon Urie is dropping his next album?”

“Unfortunately, precognition is not among my list of skills.”

Maggie pouted. Mr. Sims looked torn for a moment, before sighing.

“I believe there’s talks for a holiday release, however.”

“No way,” she said. “Do you know when he’s going on tour? Is he gonna come to London again, or maybe Glasgow? Is it—”

“Have a good day, Miss Abernathy,” said Mr. Sims, continuing further into the library. Maggie huffed, but returned to the monitor. The school had way better editing software than what she had at home, so she was hoping to finish this before school ended.

“Hey, Maggie.”

She turned. Frank lifted a hand in greeting, dropping his computer bag on the table and she smiled.

“Hey there, Frank. You got some really great footage today.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” he said, a light red staining his cheeks. “It’s hard to take a bad picture with this camera, though."

"No way, you've got a real knack for it." She pulled up an image of two rabbits cuddling next to each other. "This looks so good! You must have waited around for hours to get a shot like that."

Frank scrubbed the back of his head, the flush  of his face growing bright. "Yeah, I had to work for that one a bit. By the way, Alice is inviting the club over to her house later so we can go over our videos together. Her mum’s bringing snacks. You wanna come with?”

Maggie's hand paused on the keyboard. “Oh, um ..." Be cool. "Yeah, that sounds fun.”

“Great. See you there.”

Frank waved and Maggie waved back. Oh, shoot. Now she’d really need to finish the video before school ended if she wanted it ready to share with the rest of the club.

Pulling out her phone, she sent her dad a quick text about her plans, before turning back to the monitor.

[survivor-halsingland]

Ep. 1: "There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance." - Amy

Amy

Initial reaction of cast reveal: I’m toast But for real this can go a couple of ways for me, none of which have me seeing myself make merge lol. I’m either going to be a very early boot here or be nice and active enough to solidify a place for a while. Lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces. Hopefully the people familiar with me won’t want to immediately vote me out. I have already mentioned to Derrick that I played with DeNara before, so hopefully we can bond over that and it not be used against me. I have explicitly asked Jared to not exclusively lie to me this go haha but we both said we were more playing for the other half of our duos and just agreed to do it. I was excited to see Blue on my tribe and I also know Leanne, and have already had a good chat with Klied - but his name does have “lie” in it 👀. Honestly I want to do a quick portion of divide and conquer, I planned on chilling in a pool tomorrow and going to drag bingo with Ava. But no one has solidly chosen anything so they are really about to force me to be tribe leader and sort this out. Things I look forward to: vibes, chatting with cool people, meeting people, twists, and drama Things I will not be doing: sitting on hours and hours of video calls. Not my style. But I know several people in this game love it. Let the good times roll y’all

Kenneth

HERE WE GO AGAIN! i'm fresh off of ingary, but jay has magic powers and pulled me in to another season of a potential clown fiesta <3 but seriously, this already seems a lot more enticing and spicy because of the theme in itself and how the challenges and idol hunt are structured so i am very excited to play :) i learned a lot about my last game and i will improve on it (hopefully) by taking more risks and plays that WILL be appreciated by the jury, and not be overly attached to people, which would result to tunnel vision. the first challenges are already pretty great, and i cannot wait to play this game. TO WIN! hehe >:)destiny i’m super confused about a lot of stuff tbh but everyone on my tribe is so nice and welcoming and i’m sure i’ll get the hang of it all soon :) i’m excited to be playing and just hoping i don’t screw things up for my tribe :/

AmyThis tribe is exhausting. Challenges where I need to send a photo back quickly really hate me. My phone took like a minute to actually send the photo, but Waldo went well. Except I started in the bottom right looking with vertical transects and Waldo was hiding in the bottom left 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Woulda been 30 seconds had I started over there. But I’m already expecting tribal so I’m just hoping I wasn’t the worst portion of our challenges haha!

Leanne

Not very much to share so far. Some people on this tribe are much bigger talkers than others, Jared, Derrick, Klied, and Amy. It’s been harder to get Convo from Jesse and Blue, and I’ve barely heard from Josh or Aubree. I wonder if other people have had the same experience. Haven’t dared try game talk with anyone yet. Hoping I’m not behind, but it’s only day 2 right? Maybe I’ll try to put some feelers out with Amy. Maybe I’ll tell her about some things in the idol hunt and see if she’ll give me anything in return, maybe try to get a partnership going. I’m glad she’s on my tribe, but also a little bit scared because I’ve seen exactly how good she is. Aside from that, the person I feel best about right now is Derrick. We’ve had some good chats and seem to connect well. Hope he feels the same way. And Moth. I’m especially nervous about them. When we played before we didn’t exactly hit it off, but I think we’re both… trying. I hope we can have a new start this time, a new story. And from what I know of them they are a very loyal allies so, here’s hoping. Also happy to see Sarah here, and my yinzer JG. Maybe he and my dad can bond over that? And that’s all I’ve got so far. God I hope I did enough in the challenge today. *whines* I don’t wanna go to tribal first!

Jared

Don't mind me making a confessional before the game even starts, call me a game changer. https://youtu.be/JFOxzamkcH8

Jared

Not one, but two, confessionals before the game even begins. Sorry not sorry! https://youtu.be/SETx-0LoI9E

Shawn

Well, things are going good so far! I think anyway. Although I like everyone on my team, I do have to say it's odd playing with someone whose older than my father is, Frank. Usually I like to take charge in games like this, I like to be the leader. Yet, with Frank, it's difficult because he's so much older, I feel like I'm a little kid around him. I don't wanna tell him what to do, because I don't wanna be disrespectful? I'm so excited so far though, absolutely loving the challenge and how we get to pick! Im not that bright so I'm happy I can do creative stuff.

Aubree

This is my first BvW confession! Idk about the other tribe, but the Mysa Tribe is super chill. Most of the conversations yesterday consisted of everyone saying hi and that they were busy and would be active later. Day 2 and the activity level is still the same, which is kind of a relief since I am much more of an introvert. I have been trying to be the first to reach out to people since I feel that is something I have struggled with in past ORGs I’ve played in. I’m usually the reserved/silently-strategic player, but I’m going to try and be more proactive for this game. Ive talked to Klied, Jared, Amy and Leanne a decent amount and have enjoyed our conversations. I know of Amy due to the games she has played with Sarah, so I am hoping that works in my favor. Amy did say that Sarah voted her out in the first game they played in, so that could work one of two ways for my game… like if it came down to a vote between me or Sarah later on?? but maybe it is too soon to think that far ahead? Lol Even though I’m an Art Teacher I chose to steer away from the Creative part to our first challenge. Tbh I’m so burnt out irl when it comes to being creative due to my job, so I’m okay with taking a step back from the creative challenges for now. I’ve enjoyed being a part of the Scavenger Hunt, even though it was a bit harder than expected. I was so stoked to have a Starry Night print, but since it wasn’t real it didn’t count… Like who the heck has a REAL VAN GOGH?? (Or quick access to one) LOL As much as I would LOVEEE to have an original painting, that teacher salary-bracket doesn’t allow for that!! Lol I haven’t had anyone directly ask to me to be in an alliance with them… so that is - interesting? I’m used to the last two games I played where it felt like everything was very paced. Now, It’s either A) everyone is just chillin’ and not wanting to rush things or B) bonds HAVE already started to form but I’m not a part of them? I guess things will spend up more after the first challenge is over and we see where our strengths and weaknesses are in the tribe. Until then! - Aubree

Moth

Hi!! I’m back again and playing with someone I know. I actually happen to be on call with Destiny as I type this but like- were vibing And also once again I’m starting off on the wrong foot, not at home when the game starts.

Moth

I don’t trust Jared Straight up And I feel like that’s fair- Twice I’ve been voted out for my connections to Kyoshi island and it’s really fucking frustrating- Jared apologized and sounded sincere but idk I trust people too easily.. Brayden, Denara, and Leanne are also all in this game All people I’ve played with Leanne I don’t trust right off the bat. I tried that before but like- that didn’t work for me. I just want to at least make it to the merge

Frank

Having fun, learning as I get going. Truly impressed by the comraderi among people whom I've never met. Old dogs, new tricks, this is cool.

Klied

The game is going pretty well so far! Everyone has been really nice and supportive of one another. I hope this tribe dynamic continues for the next rounds of the game! :>

Moth

I fucked it up I genuinely feel really bad because everyone’s so confident in me- And I’m totally going to be a target now

Moth

Ohhhhh thank god Thank god because I was absolutely going to be on the chopping block if we lost I don’t want to be first out That being said

I don’t want Destiny to be first out either

Shawn

I'm not very happy tonight with how things went. I truly believe the other team deserved the win, the video was creative and a lot of effort was put into it! I think it was a great thing. But I disappointed that we lost so many of the challenges. I'm also getting annoyed that people are being present on the chat. I feel like it's me and another tribe member that is putting in all the work. Not impressed, but whatever. I just really hope I don't get voted off tomorrow.

Kenneth

welp i bombed the where's waldo challenge and my team lost by a hair in the riddles challenge because of an advantage so rip. i really hope i don't get voted off first because i severely underperformed in the challenge akjdnsajkndkjsnd i'd be really disappointed in myself :/

Amy

Shocked. Absolutely shocked we aren't headed to tribal lol. And here I thought my 4 minutes on Waldo was too slow but it was enough. Honestly we are lucky Blue's quit disadvantage was only what it was bc they quit after 30 minutes apparently. All these advantages at play! And I'm sitting here with a disadvantage. I think I'm clearly doing the idol hunt wrong 😆 all I have is a disadvantage from poison feast food and a chipmunk named Wadsworth in my pocket. Based on how little anyone is speaking I was certain we'd be going to tribal hands down no question. So I am very, very happy we avoided it in the end. I think it would have been between Jessie and Josh though bc they aren't active. I would have voted Jessie bc Josh did the video even after saying he didn't actually want to do the creative part so that's major props to him in my book! I am very curious as to who the other tribe is going to vote off in the end. I hope it's no one I want to make it far. Oh basically I know I'm probably not making merge so I'm trying to align things to get certain people farther and get other people out. I'm rooting for a newbie to take it. Anyway woo day off and I won't be first boot. Fingers crossed it's not Ava. I wouldn't be surprised if she was targeted for her association with me. Love this game! Love this cast! Love the idol hunt! The reward challenge was the most fun bc Ava and I were incredibly intoxicated after Drag Bingo and we did better each time! The last one we went "office" and "turnip" and literally bust out laughing and both said "Nate". I would like to personally apologize to Ellie for having to witness that nonsense. Thank you to everyone! Oh one last thing. I did not want to work with jared at all but it looks like I am going to be forced to do so. I think I have to put trust in Jared and in Leanne who has voted me out of two games prior 😆 but that's me always just bonding most with the people who are active and want to talk to me.

Amy

There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance.

Aubree

Who won the first challenge?? MYSA DID! Woot woot! Even though Jared, Jessie and I didn’t win the Scavenger Hunt portion after the advantages were added in - we did win as far as how many total objects were found, so I’m pretty proud about that! To top it off Sarah and I won the Reward Challenge!!!! We both get 3 stat points to add to our Idol Hunt… which I have yet to do… I should probably do that tomorrow O_o

Avat

hings are going well i think!!! i've had a lot of fun and i sorta vibe with everyone so far on the tribe. i'm really hyped and fingers crossed we do well. i've been sorta inactive with my challenge bc of work but i'm doing what i can for now. more to come soon

DeNara

Well this is my first confessional of the game and oh my is this going to be an interesting game. Initial impressions of my tribe...... Sarah +Jodi- frenemies because they are so good at survivor Frank- I really like him. He seems like a cool dude Kenneth- Seems cool, I may want to work with him, but he seems to be playing harder than he should so early Brayden- Didn't get the best first impression, but that could change Shawn- Super quiet, then they started chatting so that helped Ava, J.G., Destiny- Really inactive so I don't really know- potential first vote I want to work with Sarah, Frank and maybe Kenneth. Jodi would be good to work with although who knows what she is thinking. Everyone else I will stay open to working with, but really don't care too much as of yet.

DeNara

The first challenge was weird because everyone just took their roles and stopped talking. I HATE QUIET. Period. The creative challenge on my tribe wasn't super creative imo, but they tried. I didn't help in the scavenger hunt as much as I wanted too so that sucks, but at least we won that part so that looks good. I am so excited for this idol hunt! It is amazing! Props to the hosts! WE LOST, DAMMIT. At least Derrick won't be the first boot. I hope I am not either or HE WILL NOT STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT AND I WILL DIE.

DeNara

Well it is chaos now. Shawn has made an alliance with Sarah, Kenneth, and myself. I like the safety of that. Jodi, Sarah and myself also made a Subrosa alliance (we all knew that would happen) and I feel like this will keep me safe for a while at least. Both Sarah and Jodi want to work with Brayden and potentially Kenneth so we may make an alliance of 5 with them- but that also means Sarah and I would have to talk to Kenneth about not telling Jodi about the other alliance and that could be very risky early on.... hmmm idk about that. Also, Frank is my dude. I hope he stays. I think I am going to lean towards J.G. or Destiny.

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQ

Kenneth

I am now in 2 alliances: one with denara, sarah, and shawn, and another one with ava and brayden! i feel good about both alliances, with the first one feeling solid and loyal (for now), and the second one for the long term! i feel very solid about sarah and denara, i feel like i can last long with them as my good allies. jodi's a tricky one, because i know she's a damn good player, but it's better to keep her on my side for now until an opportune time to make a move (and i actually really like talking to her!).

Jared

me: i'm gonna try to make this concise also me: 8 minutes on the very first episode where i'm not even going to tribal oh boy

Brayden

https://youtu.be/reALs2hizjk hey everyone I'm here

DeNara

So now I am in a bunch of alliances. I guided Kenneth to make an alliance chat with Sarah and me to tell us to keep our alliances with 1. Shawn and 2. Brayden and Jodi a secret. Insert evil laugh here lol. So all together right now I should have Sarah, Jodi, Kenneth, Brayden, Shawn and Frank backing me, so I shouldn't be first boot. It sounds like we are going for Destiny because they aren't very active, which was the name Kenneth threw out first so he is getting what he wants without upsetting me.

Ava

so so so bummed about going to tribal i thought we had it in the bag especially with our advantages but alas... i formed an alliance with brayden and kenneth which i'm super obsessed with i really like both of them - hopefully this means safety for tomorrow. i hate working two jobs and the week after next ill be working just one which is just so fucking sweet fingers crossed i can make it that long in this game. anyway that's all for now

Jodi

I'm so happy to be back. This time, I promise to play a chill Jodi game as I said in my intro, and I want to relax and enjoy this twist of a season. Jared and I are thrilled to play our second season together in the actual format of BvW, and we will be playing our own games. So far, I'm glad to have Denara, Sarah, Brayden on my tribe, as we all know each other but never played before (except Brayden). I want to keep an open mind and play fluidly. Kenneth told Brayden within 10 mins of the game starting that he was scared of me, but I hope I can gain the trust of people and not play as flashy as people remember me for. Looking forward to the connections I make!

Jodi

I promised y'all a chill Jodi game and here i am, delivering it. I think. DeNara and Sarah immediately made the "The Best of SubRosa" chat because obviously that was bound to happen, but additionally, the 3 of us are in an alliance with Brayden and Kenneth called "the clock" (because of our time zones ahahahaha). This game's dynamic is so different because even though we hate going to tribal, it also means that our loved ones are safe from tribal, which sometimes, could be better. I hope Jared is doing good on the other side. Obviously I trust Sarah and DeNara but I also know Sarah will cut my throat when it needs to happen, even if she gonna be crying while doing it, so I'll just...not be blinded by that. I trust Brayden 100%, Kenneth calling me scary is not great but I guess he rather be with me than against me, for now. Y'all Ingary kids what did you say about me??? LMAOO ♥️ I did ask him why he didn't cause ruckus at 5 and whip out the superidol and he said "tunnel vision". Hey that's two of us I guess!

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQJessie So I’m still working on making like connections and stuff but we won the first challenge so no tribal which is a very good thing . ❤️ I’m enjoying this interactive scavenger hunt and I’m totally not trying to pull a Danni from Midsommar lol.

Brayden

hey guys im in a 5 person alliance rn with jodi sarah denara and kenneth and i feel pretty good and excited bc i think ill win this whole game but sadly destiny is prob leaving tonight <\3

Derrick

First challenge done. We rocked it! I don't really have any sort of alliance at this point but I seem to be getting along with everyone. Josh didn't seem to put too much effort into our creative set up but it still worked out OK. It was unfortunate I was on my trip at the time as I could have done so much more with. I think as long as we support eachother we can rock every challenge that comes our way!joshIM SOO HAPPY WE WON! our tribe seems to be like friendly but i havent made any alliances i think so idk if im in a good spot if we lose a challenge but we didnt this time so🙃ShawnEveryone in the tribe is messaging about Destiny, and that is who everyone is thinking of voting off. I'm still thinking of voting Frank off, and I think that's who I'm going for. He's not good at technology, and this whole game is about technology! We lost the creative challenge because all we could do with him was write! Still, everyone thinks because Destiny isn't very active she should be the one to go. I'm not sure what I want to do. JGOh hey! Here we are round one. I feel so out of it playing this game. For the first time in a while, I barely know any of the other players. Which is refreshing and tough. I also feel like my social game is kind of lacking but that is kind of my brand for round 1. I have had some great one on one conversations with DeNara, Jodi, and Sarah. I've talked to Brayden and Kenneth as well a little bit less than the first three. Shawn and Ava, barely. Frank and Destiny not at all. The vote should be Destiny since we sadly lost. Which works for me. I feel the closest with DeNara and Sarah. Really hoping I can start to get my footing. If we were to lose again, Frank would probably go but I don't wanna put myself in the line of fire again. Well here's hoping things improve. Hopefully, I'm not blindsided. Here we go.blueMy tribe seems pretty cool so far, everyone is nice and seems pretty active so thats nice. Shawns going to tribal so I hope theyre gonna be safe :(((DeNara As far as I know, the vote is going to be Destiny. I feel bad for them for not getting the chance to play, and I feel really bad for Moth, they always have the worst luck in ORGs. That being said I sure hope nothing crazy happens tonight or I will cry 100% Tribal, here I come...AubreeThere is hardly any game talk (at least from where I’m standing), so I may start trying to get a feel of where people are at by asking some game-related questions in the tribe chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love the personal chit-chats… BUT I’m also feeling a bit empty-handed as far as knowing everyone’s game motives. Maybe I’m being too bold… idk. I’m not normally the one to standout in ORGs, so hopefully my tribe doesn’t take this as me prying… even though I guess I kinda am?? 😬 “Oof look at me being all dangerous and shit!” 😤🤘🏼😂blueSO here are more detailed thoughts on my tribe. Amy of course is a queen and a legend and we've played together before and have a good rapport. Leanne is so kind and so funny, and I would be super down for working with her. Jared is SO nice I get really good vibes and really enjoy talking to him. Aubree is also very nice and seems genuinely interested in my irrelevant stories 10/10 good vibes. Moth is dope as expected and turns out we have a lot of the same interests ie. witcher and the mcelroys very fun. The rest are yet to be determined.AmyI would like to start out by saying that Brayden's video during their tribal almost made me seasick thanks buddy. So today was a DAY. It was a day off and like I had a weird day at work lol 😆 and then I remembered there was the task of talking to people who h i slacked on today whoops sorry. But for half these people idk if they even noticed bc my tribe is so quiet. Did I already say I tried asking Jessie what their favorite berry was? Like that's how exhausting conversation has been most all around. I think I'm talking to Leanne, Derrick, and Jared the most. I am begging for bygones to be bygones. But anyway I was trying to do a little of the hunt throughout the day bc after seeing

all those advantages last go I was SHOCKED. Then at the end of work I made it to thevpart where I was talking to the grumpy sad flower crown man and after falling on my weak ass on a ladder I picked the lock with a bobbypin and charisma's him to make me a flower crown which got me to the maypole which had me do a scavenger hunt and I got an idol. Writing this all out is absolutely hilarious. But yeah I have an idolllllllllllllllllllll which I don't want to use anytime soon. But I have a feeling I'm going to struggle to make merge. Anyway I got this idol like directly after the other tribe finishing tribal and I love a funny timing like that. I'm glad Ava survived weee! And wow they have some very vocal tribe members haha I'm sure Denara and Jodi are working together which tracks bc I've been closest to both of them individually in prior games early on. Curious if it will stick. So next was rock paper scissors for which I have a 10% disadvantage which apparently applies to the overall tribe score ☠️ . I won my game against Brayden who was at seemingly a raging Big Brother watch party. Sorry buddy. But we've been chatting like he asked how josh was and I said Josh is great and really stepped up to the plate for the creative challenge even though it wasn't what he wanted and also he loves tom holland so I instantly trust him. Then he said everyone likes ava bc she's just so cool and yes I get it I am personally intimidated by how cool Ava is and I have to be around that cool level every day honestly I don't know why she talks to me but she's a badass. Anyyywayyyy he doesn't seem keen on actually talking game and I need to figure out if I need to just tell my tribe I have a disadvantage rn or be like what the fuck the other tribe is so mean to give me a disadvantage 😭 Anyway excited to explore the hunt some more and this game is so fun. If we go to tribal I think Jessie is most at risk tbh. Okay that's all bye ❤️

[etherealrj]

same game - reddie

pairing : reddie

words : 2K

warnings : none

MASTERLIST

request here 

five times richie flirted with eddie and the one time he didn't

A/N I've never written one of these before so I hope its okay anon! it's four am rn but i was so determined to finish this but then tumblr wiped it and i almost cried. i wasn't gonna post it now but my last request did super well so i'll treat ya'll.

i legit googled how to flirt with someone bc i have never. So I legit googled how did people flirt in the 90's and then this happened :') I'm so sorry in advance, I got so carried away with this my god. Imagine if Pennywise never happened and Ben, Bev and Mike were losers from the beginning.

I

Eddie had always known Richie to a big flirt. He was his best friend so it was granted that Richie was to flirt with Eddie, so Eddie just put up with it. It started at the young of ten when the boys were sat side by side in their respected seats. That’s why in the middle of English class when Richie leant over to doodle a love heart on the corner of Eddie’s book with their initials ‘RT + EK = Forever,’ written within, he thought nothing of it. Everywhere you went throughout the school, Richie would have marked his territory by writing some obscure devotion of love for Eddie. Whether it was their initials in a heart, ‘Richie ♡ ‘s Eddie’ or Eddie Tozier, there were signs written everywhere. From classrooms, to bathroom stalls, to random wooden chairs that lingered around the school’s perimeter. Eddie knew Richie had a book covered in variations of their names etched upon every single piece of paper, he also knew the Richie’s parents weren’t too fond about it. But Eddie never understood why.

II

They were at the school disco, at the age of twelve, all the losers rocked up in hopes of having a nice time. In other words, they were forced by their parents. But Mike did end up tagging along so they were all happy about that. It wasn’t any surprise that the seven misfits sat in the back of the gym, all sitting around a circular table in their own conversations completely oblivious to the rest of their peers. Eddie sat with Richie to his right, Stan to his left. He was in a deep conversation about the new Captain America comic book when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He glanced at Richie’s out stretched hand to see a small red bottle of Panda Pop sitting in his palm. Richie had a wide grin permanently stuck to his face. Eddie glanced at the drink before looking back up to Richie. He looked around the circular table at the lack of drinks in any of the other loser’s hands. “Richie.” Eddie said, gazing locking with the taller boys. “You forgot about everyone else!” He exclaimed. “This is just like you.”  Eddie shook his head, standing and brushing shoulders with Richie as he headed in the direction of the rectangular table filled with beverages. All the other losers glanced up at Richie, with amusement behind their eyes. Richie sent them a glare and fell back into his chair.

III

When the boys reached the age of fourteen, Richie’s charade continued and Eddie saw no end to the plague of Richie Tozier. After a long, exhausted filled day of school Eddie just wanted to leave the prison that they were supposed to call a haven. Ducking around the back of the school to meet the loser at the bike racks, hopefully avoiding Henry Bowers and his goonies at the same time.   Heavy footsteps echoed his ears and a slow cringe made its way onto Eddie’s face. He froze in his place, bracing himself for the first round of physical abuse he was about to endure. But nothing ever came.

“Hey Ed’s!” Eddie felt an arm wrap around his shoulder, which caused the poor boy to let out a sigh, his body coming down from the fright. He really wasn’t in the mood to get beat up right now.

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie mumbled under his breath and began walking again. Richie hummed in response, tightening his grip around Eddie’s neck.

“Do you have a band-aid- “

“You know I do Richie why.” Eddie’s patience was running low with the boy. There was only so long you could handle being around Richie ‘trashmouth’ Tozier.

 “Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. “Eddie rolled his eyes before shrugging off Richie’s arm and began to walk away from the boy in a huff.

“Eddie my boy, don’t be like that!” Richie said in one of his completely ridiculous accents that Eddie could only describe as the, ‘shitty British John Cleese.’  Richie jogged lightly to catch up with the shorter boy. “You know I love you! Almost as much as your fat Mom!”

IV

At the age of fifteen was when Richie had really began listening to music. His home life was rough, that Eddie knew and the only way Richie seemed to deal with it was listening to his music. Eddie never seemed to see the appeal. That’s way when Richie Tozier snuck into his bedroom window at two am with a mixtape, Richie’s chicken scratch hand writing over the top, reading the words ‘Eddie Spaghetti’ a messy love heart was added after his name and a doodle of roses sat beside it. Eddie didn’t know what to think.

Richie hadn’t even stayed long enough to make sure Eddie would listen to it, but he did and Richie knew he would. Eddie opened the plastic container, a folded piece of film fell out from on top of the cassette tape and landed within his lap. Picking the white film up he unfolded the picture and was greeted with his own laughing face starring back at him. He was sat on top of Richie’s shoulders, the photo he remembers being taken only a week earlier after school.

He remembers the day clearly, he had fought Richie and told him to leave him alone because there was no way in hell, he was willingly getting on top of the 5”7 boys shoulders without a fight. But there he sat, legs hanging over Richie’s shoulders Richie’s hands holding tightly on Eddie’s own. As both boys smiled happily, hand in hand.

Eddie admired the wide smile on Richie’s face, the pure joy that seemed to radiate from the photo brought a small smile to his own. Brushing his finger lightly over Richie’s face, just appreciating the loud boy. With a sigh, Eddie flipped over the film to read the small words written on the back, “love is like syphilis, it makes you crazy, eventually leading to death.” [X] Eddie rolls his eyes at Richie poor attempt of humour but he was humoured at the very least.

Leaning over to the stereo on his shelf, he turned the volume to the minimum as to not wake his mother, the first song started to play. The tune of the song made his eyes roll before the words even started to play. He laid back onto his bed, arm behind his head, the words filled his ears, a small smile on his face.

“Oh, I can't fight this feeling any longer,

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow

What started out this friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show,” [X]

V

A year later the losers were standing at the counter of the Aladdin. Richie’s arm in its forever permanent spot around Eddie’s back. The smaller boy subconsciously leant into his side. Eddie wonder if Richie ever regrets how much he flirts with the younger boy, Eddie thought he surely would be stopping any girls from getting to Richie. But Richie didn’t seem to care.  “Hey Babe?” Richie questioned.

Eddie hummed in response, too use to the pet names that Richie’s given him over the years for it to matter. Richie had grown a whole lot in a year, he had to be nearing 6” foot by now. Eddie was not at all jealous over the fact he was still barely reaching 5”5, still the shortest of all the Loser’s, Bev included. Eddie felt Richie shift behind him, head resting on top of his own, arms around Eddie’s waist. “Did you want any popcorn?” Richie could be extremely clinging when he wasn’t in your face obnoxiously joking about sleeping with his mom. Richie didn’t seem like he was in the happiest moods today, all the Loser’s would agree, so Eddie went with the flow and gave him the attention he thought the older boy needed.

“Don’t worry about it Rich, I’ll pay for the popcorn. You got us the tickets.” Eddie said with a light tap of his hands-on Richie’s own.

“It was my idea to come see the movie Ed’s, I’ll get the popcorn. “ Richie said, stepping away from the teenage boy. Eddie turned around to catch him before he left.

“Hey Richie?” Eddie questioned. Richie turned with hum in response. “Why do you never buy any of the others popcorn?” Richie eyes lifted slightly in surprise, a small smile playing on his face, he flicked his tongue out to swipe itself across his bottom lip. He stared over to where the rest of the loser’s stood, laughing loudly at something Stan had said. Richie’s face deadpanned.

“I’m trying to impress your Mom, Ed’s. “

+ I

All the Loser’s sat around a circle, it was March the seventh which means it was Richie’s seventeenth birthday. Buddy Holly [X] was playing lowly in the background. And Eddie was feeling nervous. The past few days Richie had seemed to distance himself from the boy and Eddie had wondered if it was something he did. Neither Bill or Bev had any idea on the matter which Eddie feel even worse about the situation. Eddie bit his lip as he passed the bottle half filled with amber coloured liquid around the circle. Richie seemed perfectly happy but Eddie felt out of place. Without the touches or the kind words or jokes about his Mom. Richie wasn’t Richie.

Moments later, the bottle was done and the group had dissipated. Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand and pulled him away from the main floor. “Ed’s?” Richie questioned. “Is everything okay?”

Richie eye’s squinted to look into Eddie’s own. “I-Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Richie turned his head to the side seemingly confused. Eddie opened his mouth before closing it. “I-Yo-We-Bu-,” Eddie stared at Richie in exasperation.

“Damn Bill, calm down a bit would ya?.” Eddie stare turned quickly into a disappointed glare. Richie held his hands up in defence.

Eddie crossed his arms over his chest, looking up at the taller boy through his dark brown curls. Eddie let out a huff, “Why don’t you treat me like you use to.” Eddie looked at the ground, suddenly more interested in his stark white converse than the conversation.

Richie cracked smile. “Finally.” He muttered. “I was waiting to see how long it would take for you to miss me.”

Eddie tilted his head in utter disbelief as he watched Richie face etched with a cheeky smile. Eddie shook his head and in one quick moment his small moisturized hands were upon Richie’s cheeks, he stood on his tippy toes and placed his soft pink lips against Richie’s chapped ones with an impatient desire. Eddie felt Richie gasped in surprise as he lips moved against Richie’s own. Eddie was yet to pull away when he felt Richie began applying the same amount of force or maybe even more back. Eddie noted that Richie tasted like tobacco and cheap whiskey, but the boy couldn’t get enough. Richie’s hands trailed down to Eddie’s hips, gripping the edge of the small boys lightly coloured shirt.

As he pulled away, the feeling of Richie’s lips lingered against his own, Eddie brought a hand to his lips touching them with his fingertips as a smile spread across his face. He rested back on the balls of his feet before looking up to meet Richie’s gaze.

Richie’s mouth laid ajar, eyes widen in feign surprise. “Was that you trying to flirt with me Eddie Kaspbrak?”

A/N this did not turn out what I was hoping but eh, still cute ish

if you wanna be in the reddie tag list lemme know!

taglist :  @colinmorgay @its-ya-girl-mercy @tastes-like-cherry-coke @netzoflix @bitch-its-youknowwho @prkrptr @ladycataztrophe @whoisjjacob @eddies-inhaler @stenbroughh @eddierichietozier @scienceyyy @randvmfandoms

[presstointeract]

a weird janky timeline for sakine’s early days in the gameworld. weird n long, goes up ‘til her losing her eye

nearly executed

clutching her pearls neck the entire way out of helgen bc a giant axe came down like 2 inches away from it. tamriel nearly lost one of its best voices and no one would have ever known

“warns riverwood” with ralof (ie, follows him down the mountain because she sure as fuck didn’t want to be walking around at night alone with only an iron sword)

begrudgingly agrees that someone needs to take the news to the jarl. convinces them into sending a guard (bc this isn’t Really her problem) and lopes up to the barrow to Adventure, because it’s been a hot minute since she’s been in a ruin and... well, she’s helping get the claw back or whatever, but moreover she’s testing some limits. she hasn’t Really adventured since... well. since varun died. she’s used the associated skills in the interim, but she wants to see if it’s still as good as she remembers

the barrow is exhilarating, blood-pumping, and reminds her that ruin-diving was once the only thing she ever wanted to do in life (and still kind of is) - and she slurps up that weird rune at the end, and is instantly enthralled by what it could be - it’s burned into her brain like an after-image on her retina, and she won’t ever be able to forget it, but. but she doesn’t know what it means. either way, she pops out the other side and, seeing that riverwood seems to still be standing, delivers the claw, sells the other stuff she got, better outfits herself, and sets off to whiterun to look for a ride to windhelm

she comes across the guard Very Dead on the way to whiterun, sighs, takes the letter of request for aid he was carrying, and decides to deliver it to the jarl against her better judgement. this isn’t her goddamn problem, but he’s dead and she’s already on the way there, and - and. someone has to. 

delivers it to the jarl, gives the dragonstone and a rough drawing of the rune she has burned into her brain to farengar in expectation that he’ll give her a rubbing and a translation in a few days, catches delphine’s eyes on the way out but keeps going (again, dragon stuff? none of her business)

irileth runs by her on her way down to the wind district and basically Orders her to help fight the dragon - sakine is suitably ruffled by this (whomst ORDERS her), but... alright. she’s curious. how many more dragons is she going to see up close? (helgen didn’t count, was 2 scary) (also irileth kind of gave her a backhanded compliment about being competent enough to get the stone from the barrow and sakine is. hrm. a little gay and instinctively knows irileth doesn’t mess around, so that also helps settle her into going with the guards)

dragon fiiiiight. absorb soul. this is all very textbook skyrim, except sakine wants Nothing to do with all the ‘oh you’re dragonborn!!!!!!’ exclamations. this isn’t her problem. stop saying these things. 

local greybeards scream her name at mach 10209120192019 and scare the shit out of her

she promptly decides Fuck This Shit, I’m Not Doing This Garbage while balgruuf and co. discuss how she has to because it’s such an honor and she has to fight the dragons and - etc. etc. she came back to skyrim for one thing only, and she’s gonna go do that and then... figure out what to do next. she guesses. but it’s time to go to windhelm. some other Big Hero can make the climb to hrothgar, she’s not special and she’s not going.

MEANWHILE, INDMIRA: heard that bigass shout from the throat of the world direction, was distracted from her usual passes through the windhelm territory to help lost travelers. she begins migrating towards whiterun bc she’s been having like a Solid Week of prophecy dreams and that’s a) highly unusual b) she fucking hates it - maybe it’s connected to the Screaming Mountain Men. so she goes.

indmira sees sakine coming down the road from a ways off and clambers up into a tree, then nearly falls out of the tree when she squints closer @ this traveler bc she doesn’t look like a bandit and she doesn’t look lost, so - and sakine’s showed up several times in her prophecy dreams, but she looked. different? she was missing an eye and dressed differently, but it’s the same woman. indmira manages to NOT fall out of the tree, but does decide to follow sakine at a distance

sakine goes into windhelm and indmira promptly Nopes Out, because indmira hasn’t been in a major city since childhood and hates the concept. she’ll wait outside for a few days and carry on her merry way if the Mystery Woman From Prophecy Dreams doesn’t come back out again.

in windhelm: sakine’s trying to find the sister of varun and her children to deliver varun’s will. gets sent on a big runaround because none of the gray quarter elves trust her (for good reason, she’s a nord come sniffing around after a particular member of their community, etc), ends up having a bit of an anger snap and beats the shit out of rolff stonefist at like 3 am, which turns into a huge scuffle that draws out nearly every dunmer in the quarter and also several guards. a stallfront gets wrecked, a small fire gets started in the street, and both sakine and rolff get to spend a night in jail, during which rolff whines and sakine is stonily silent. she’s having a bit of a crisis, internally, because she grew up outside of windhelm (near kynesgrove) and she had... no idea that things were like this. were they always like this? was she just too young to know? were her PARENTS like this? she had even been thinking about joining the stormcloaks up until that point due to ralof’s help and her very intense hatred for the thalmor, but... how many stormcloaks think like rolff? she’s disgusted at him / his rhetoric but she’s also disgusted at herself in some abstract fashion.

galmar stonefist comes to get his brother early the next morning and is impressed w sakine’s handiwork (in beating the shit out of him), invites her up to the palace. sakine sullenly goes, because maybe she’ll get a chance to be an Asshole to rolff some more, who knows. ulfric invites her to join the stormcloaks, they could use someone as tenacious as her, etc. sakine politely declines as she’s only in skyrim for a short while, may talos bless your endeavours, etc, bye.

goes back to the gray quarter to pick up anything she might have dropped last night and immediately gets treated to a free meal at the cornerclub because finally FINALLY someone did what they’d all been dying to do but couldn’t - beat the shit out of rolff. it’s not like ‘everyone loves her now’, but it was enough of a spectacle for someone to finally tell her what happened to varun’s sister. they went on a journey to solitude some years ago, and no one’s seen them since. their house/apartment has been empty ever since, though some people think it’s haunted (oooo) 

sakine is like. okay. that’s kind of weird, i thought they lived in this city. i guess i’ll just have to head up to solitude to find out for sure. she thanks ambarys and wishes for the best with rolff (though she doesn’t think he’ll be raising hell again any time soon), and then decides to go again before she overstays her welcome. restocks in the market and sets off back towards whiterun to hopefully catch a caravan over to solitude. 

indmira follows her from there, still nervous about prophecy dreams (though they stopped last night after she first saw sakine, so she’s going to assume that’s a good thing). this continues for a few nights, and sakine doesn’t really See indmira but she Knows that she’s there. sakine just pretends like she doesn’t notice anything and keeps going, meandering and investigating a few dungeons or above-ground sites, carving herself a new lute to make up for the one that the imperials took from her before her execution.

valtheim towers - sakine is accosted for the ‘toll money’, invites the bandit to go ahead and try and take it from her, and is immediately in over her head. indmira hates the idea of making herself known but also sakine disappears inside the first tower for a few minutes longer than indmira is comfortable with. then, just as indmira is like readying herself to do something stupid and help this dumbass nord with a confidence problem, sakine accidentally shouts (she’s only done it once before and it literally tears her throat apart - mortal bodies were not meant for immortal voices) and blasts all three bandits fighting her off the bridge over the big river

indmira watches their bodies sail through the air in mute fascination, then watches sakine take an arrow in the shoulder from the bandit all the way across the river and also fall in. indmira takes that freakishly long shot without hesitation (piercing the bandit through the throat) and then jumps in the river after sakine, hauling her ashore and doing her best to administer the wound (she can’t take the arrow out until there’s a healer on hand, and whiterun... isn’t that far away. but to get her help, indmira is going to need to . Go . Inside the city. she decides to worry about that later and gets sakine awake (she passed out when hitting the water, as ydo) and walking, blood still dripping from her mouth (from the shout). she’s exhausted and only really comments “ah, my ghost decided to show up” in a whisper in reference to the fact that indmira’s been tailing her for like three days, and then goes dead silent to account for how much Fucking pain her entire throat+mouth region is in

they get to whiterun a few hours later and indmira just kind of. dumps sakine on the ground, who had previously been relying on the shorter dunmer for support. but indmira Cannot go inside the city, no way no how, and so she just kind of drops sakine and hightails it out of there. a guard comes and gets sakine, and danica takes care of the wound, just telling her to take it easy on that side for a week or so. sakine doesn’t ask for healing for her throat, as that would. be. hrm. she just Doesn’t Ask, because it feels like admitting that she has this Weird Power that no one else does, and she doesn’t want to admit that.

balgruuf comes to see her while she’s chillin in the temple and basically is like do i need to send you to ivarstead with an armed escort. you need to see the greybeards Right Now. and sakine is like (still whispering) - listen, i know that you’re a nord and i’m a nord and you expect me to do this because of our shared cultural history, but i’ve been away from this country for over half my life, and i just don’t care. this isn’t my problem. some other dumb hero can go up there and be the chosen one and i’ll write ballads about them to sing at the bannered mare, but this is NOT my problem.

[hard cut to sakine walking down the road with a bunch of whiterun guards, looking absolutely miserable] 

they take her to ivarstead and she’s like. fine. i’ll fucking. go. look, my traveling companion just showed up, and she grabs indmira out of the bushes where she was hiding. they make the climb together, which allows them to properly introduce themselves to one another and begin to bridge the gap of ‘why were you following me for like four days and why did you dump my injured ass on the ground’, etc.

ok i’m finishing editing this on my phone so let’s keep the rest short/sweet:

get to high hrothgar after a fun trek up the mountain; sakine stops that one frost troll from crunching indmira in half and makes a comment about the valtheim debt repaid (which... indmira doesn’t consider it debt at all, but feels a twinge of wary friendship at the idea of having someone besides herself watching out for her)

greybeards immediately send sakine on an errand to get the dang horn, which she agrees to but Is Bothered About

go through the ruin, get delphine’s note, meet up with her, sakine recognizes her from before, delphine refuses to hand over the horn until they help with the dragon at kynesgrove, Sakine Angery Dot Jpeg

they fight the dragon at kynesgrove, sakine realizes she doesn’t know dovahzul and it’s a Problem, get the horn and hoof it back to ivarstead

dragon attacking ivarstead, sakine Stupidly stupidly decides to lure it away from the town and fight it basically by herself while indmira stays in town and makes sure people stay safe (which is a task that requires she Talk to people, but with all the adrenaline, she nearly forgets to be self-conscious) (also she tries to warn sakine about her eye, because this ‘dragon at ivarstead’ was in one of her prophecy dreams and - but sakine is already gone, not listening) 

sakine fights the dragon. sakine pulls away from a lunge just a little too late - enough to avoid dying, not enough to avoid getting her face slashed Real Good. she Shouts in response (it’s a gut thing at this point, her finer control doesn’t exist yet) and kills the dragon, but then indmira has to run up and get her and start hauling her up to hrothgar because she’s bleeding from face and mouth and - and indmira has dealt with heavy injury, but not like this. they get up to the top a few hours later and sakine has mostly recovered from her shock-state, enough to be Fucking Pissed at the greybeards

she yells at them (and accidentally shouts, again, which shatters almost every pot in the entire monastery) and is basically like, i’m not going on any more stupid errands until you actually teach me something. i want to know dovahzul and i’m not leaving until i know it. i’ve had a Shitty day and everyone is trying to shove shit way above my head on me and i just got maimed so you’d better FUCKING tell her something worth her time.

then she’s really just very exhausted so she crumples on the first vaguely bedlike surface and finally indmira (and the greybeards, but more removed) attend to her face. hello, stitches and nasty herb poultice and heavy gauze. sakine is like, indmira what the Hell are you still doing here. you really don’t have to do this, it’s probably better for you to go and get outta dodge. indmira is like... I Cannot Tell You Why, but it’s important that we stick together. for now. plus you have no idea where you’re going half the time and could use a guide. she’ll stick around until sakine’s eye is healed, at the very least. sakine agrees to that and passes tf out.

so that’s where they are: sakine, half-blinded and grasping for wisdom in return; indmira, who is bewildered and afraid of being Known but knows she gets treated to Obnoxious prophecy dreams every night she doesn’t spend near sakine. both of them don’t Really want to be doing this, but sakine is rapidly realizing that this is Very Real and it’s very probable that no one else will be able to take care of it (and she saw the broken bodies at helgen, at the watchtower, at kynesgrove, at ivarstead. she doesn’t like having responsibility shoved on her but... but. but those people are Gone and so many more can just be Deleted or Maimed like she was nearly deleted, like she was maimed), and indmira only knows that this nord really loves doing stupid shit and she’s now had to fish her out of two sticky situations. she doesn’t relish the idea of .. whatever this dragonborn shit is, but her job has always been to assist wayward travelers, and they’ve already helped a lot of people.

[jazzhands] they’ve got so much shit yet to get into and another party member to pick up but. Soon. i have to stop myself from just rushing ahead to dawnguard stuff lmao

[lovelykiheon]

Monsta X Beautiful Tour Hi-Touch & Photo Op Experience 170721

This story is LONG overdue, I know. BUT, this was one of the best experiences of my life and i’m still suffering from post concert depression 2 months later. Warning: This might come out to be very detailed, but it’s only because I want you all to know how I felt (feel). I’m also going to be brutally honest about some things that i’ve noticed/experienced.

The final stage had ended. I was in awe as I watched the six out of seven men, (Hyungwon was injured) who completely consume my life, waving as they exited off the stage. There was a rumble of conversations throughout the audience as the curtains shut. Boys and girls of all ages, including myself, in the P1 and P2 sections began to pull out their mirrors, compacts and brushes to fix themselves up before receiving further instruction. I fanned myself to rid myself of any sweat droplets on my skin and in my hair. My sister assisted our new friend, that we made in line outside prior to the concert, as she got ready. It was then that over my right shoulder a man began to belt out instructions for us to make a single-filed line and to follow him. This was it. This was the moment that my heart began to race because I was about meet, and even touch, the idols that I admire so much. Before continuing the line stopped before anyone went through the doors the security guard stood in front of. I assumed that the boys were still getting prepared. 

The line began to move once again. I was anxious because aside from meeting them, I wanted to record the hi-touch as well, but I was nervous if security would catch me doing so. I got closer and closer to the door. As soon as I entered the room, there they were. I had to act fast, so I took my chances. I pressed record on my phone and placed it in my front right pants pocket; facing the members. 

My first impression of all the members was that they are all normally sized! I know that when we see pictures of them they either look a bit chubby, way too skinny, very tall/short, some facial features being too big/small, but that was not the case. I’m 5′5″ or 167cm tall and all of them were taller than me! (yes, even kihyun!) I will get more into specifics on each individual.

The first one to greet me was Kihyun. He wasn’t as skinny as he looked in pictures at the time. I’m happy that he’s gaining weight back though. Now, I initially planned on telling Kihyun how beautiful and angelic his voice is, and im sure he hears it all the time, but once I got face to face with the man.. I blanked. He gave me the largest and sweetest smile as he leaned across the table to get closer. I randomly belted out “I love you, Kihyun!”  He responded with a chuckle and “I love you too!” 

I moved onto Wonho. He was also averagely sized, but he was definitely bulky. Somewhat similar to his photos. I understand that they just performed for two hours, so that is probably why he seemed very mellow. I said hello to him and he just gave me a smile in return.

Next was Shownu. Now this man is what I call A MAN. He was quite tall, and exactly what you would expect him to look like in person. I remember his arms to be nice, thick, and long (not strangely long but ya kno a good length). I was so stunned that I also just said “Hi shownu!” He gave me a small smile with a quick bow of his head. I couldn’t help but notice how much power he puts into his high-fives. He caused my lightstick, which was dangling on my right arm (the one i used to touch them), to sway back and forth.

My interaction with Changkyun went by fairly quick. He wasn’t that much taller than me (similar to Kihyun). Now, I know that he always mentions how large his nose is, but personally I didn’t think it was as big as it seemed. It was a good sized nose. I think its just that since his eyes and lips are a bit small, it makes his nose to appear larger. He was so sweet though and told me “thank you so much for coming!”  to which I responded “No, thank you!” 

After him was Jooheon. 

Now let me give you a little back story. in case you didn’t know, LEE JOOHEON IS MY ULT BIAS. I am very soft for Jooheon. I can tear up just by looking at a new photo of him. BUT Jooheon speaking english is also my kink.  

Days before the concert, I decided last minute to create a sign for Jooheon to show him love and support during the concert. The sign I ended up creating was a honey pot with his name on it. At the time I didn’t think it was that big but once I got into the venue, which was pretty small, I realized that i’m definitely going to get noticed. Especially with how close to the stage I was (about 3rd-4th row in the pit). I apologize to those behind me because I was being that annoying fan with a sign slightly larger than a human head. Here’s what it kind of looked like.

I got noticed quite a lot by him. Ugh i’m flustered just thinking about it.

ANYWAYS CONTINUING THE HI TOUCH.

Jooheon was gorgeous. His height compared to me was perfect and he was actually skinnier than they make him seem, but a healthy skinny. 

As soon as I left Changkyun, Jooheon immediately says “I love it!” referring to my sign. Being the emotionally confused person I was (bc soft for him, but english kink at the same time) I quickly nodded and said “thank you! I love you!” I was completely in shock that after those words left my mouth I practically blacked out and I just noticed him point at me with the cutest dimpled smile. 

Last but not least, Minhyuk. I noticed that he was also very tall. He is a total visual/model etc. He looked so amazing. Unfortunately, he seemed the most exhausted. It really hurt me to seem him like this since he’s the most energetic and chipper. This was something I kind of noticed as he was on stage as well. He took my hand and he really looked into my eyes and said “thank you for coming.” I thanked him back of course. 

That was the end of it. 

Although the entire hi-touch experience was literally only 17 seconds long, I noticed a lot, being a detail oriented person.

After leaving the room we were directed upstairs to get back in line for the photo op. Now, remember I recorded this hi-touch, so after I met them I listened back to the video (you can barely see their faces bc bad angle) I listened to every response from every member, but one stood out in particular. I played over a part where I saw Jooheon’s hand point at me. The point where I went blank. It was then that I realized that after I told Jooheon I loved him, He told me “I love you too yeah!” At this point I was on the verge of crying in line, but I knew I had to keep it together for the picture I was going to take. The one picture i’ll probably ever have with Monsta X for the rest of my life.

Moments passed by as we all discussed what we just experienced. Suddenly, one of the employees of powerhouse made his way down the line as he counted each person. Once he arrived to us he said that me, my sister, and our friend are numbers 1, 2, and 3. Meaning we were going to be standing right next to the members in the photo op. We freaked, subtly, since we didn’t want to rub it in to the people in front of us who were going to be no where near the members.

Unfortunately, somewhere during the numbering process, the man either miscounted, or people jumped out of line.The security just before we went to enter to take the photo counted us as 17, 18, and 19. I was livid. I guess that’s what we get for getting our hopes up. I tried to convince the guard that there has to be a mistake because I was told that we’re supposed to be in the next group. Being the stubborn bitch I was, I refused to enter with that number. Another security guard rudely threatened to take us outside if we weren’t going to join that group. I sucked it up and went to take the photo anyway. As I descended down the stairs toward the room so many thoughts ran through my mind. I wasn’t going to risk my chance to take the photo I payed for because I was feeling some type of way.

There were, are, and will be other people in the same position. I thought Hopefully in the future you will get another chance. Suck it up.

the whole situation ruined my mood. I’m sure I looked like a rude bitch once I entered the area. I didn’t want the guys to see me like that so I refreshed my face. I honestly couldn’t even look at them because I knew they would be making heart signs and talking with the other Monbebe. 

They told our row to get on our knees so they could see those in the back. The first photo I didn’t even smile with teeth. All I could do was imagine what was happening behind me. What Jooheon was doing. 

I noticed a lot of staff in front of us. There was the photographer and also a woman with one of those cameras that Monsta X typically use to vlog for MXCH.

“alright everyone smile 1, 2, 3!” said the photographer

*CLICK* the camera and flash shuttered over one another.

I might as well have a nice picture. I thought. I forced the cheesiest smile onto my face. 

The camera flashed again. Photographing yet again the moment I felt the most broken.

I still feel so bitter about it to this day. You guys might think i’m being a bit dramatic (maybe i am lol), but It honestly hurts to even write it. But it’s what happened. (and it’s not only about me, my sister and friend felt very similar emotions, along with many others i’m sure)

Once that was over, we stood up. The staff ran over to block Monbebe from getting any closer and bombarding the members. 

It was at this time that I remembered my letter.

The night before I had written a letter specifically for Jooheon which basically expressed all of my admiration and love for him. 

I tore open my purse to grab the letter. I went over to Jooheon, sliding past each person that was leaving. So much commotion was going on that I could barely hear myself think. 

The staff separating me from Jooheon tried very hard to block me from handing over my letter. Luckily Jooheon noticed and moved his head the opposite way of the staff’s. “Jooheon!” I called out as I stuck out the letter for him to grab. He slipped his arm passed and took it. With yet another cute dimpled smile he said “Thank you!” My starstruck ass said “Bye! I love you!” and headed out before security tried to drag me out.

After exiting the venue I found my sister and friend outside. We discussed once again what we just went through. Overall the security sucked, but the interactions that I received were perfect.

My sister told me that she was going to leave the photo op area, but noticed no one was following her. She turned back and saw that I was so close to Jooheon. Honestly I didn’t even realize how close I was until I thought back to it. 

I still do.

I wish that Hyungwon could have made it to the concert, but his health is more important. I’m glad that he’s having fun on the tour, and that they can all continue and finish up without any injuries.

Despite the negative aspects, this was honestly the best fucking day of my life.

I’m very grateful to have experienced this entire concert and I hope to meet them once again.

Bonus: After going through Hi-Touch I would say that they all have really soft hands, but the two hands that I remember the most are Kihyun’s and Minhyuk’s. Their hands are the softest hands ever!

A/N: I will link my twitter thread here for those of you who wish to watch a few of my videos (including the hi touch)! This thread is more about the actual concert and my experience/interactions.

i’m sorry that this post is kind of a mess, but if you have any questions for me, feel free to ask!!

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Finishing My 27th Year

It’s 12am and I have lots on my mine right now. Actually lots on my mind for many days now, but just been feeling all scattered brain to write anything down.  So here is my attempt. I just get overwhelm with all the thoughts that run in my head so that’s why I run away from my thoughts at time and just want to handle it as they come. 

I feel like so much has occurred in the past few weeks into 2017.  

Currently I just feel a bit out of place and missing you Naan! You are leaving tomorrow for your  family trip to Disney World! You don’t know how much I wish I was coming with you right now. I just want to be a part of this trip. It’s just suck on our situation at times, and I just want our life to start. Facebook hasn’t been a help either bc I have to see my friends pictures of their lives so happily married and starting family. I just want to get to that point with mine too. And I wish so badly my turn is coming...not sure exactly when, but I really hope it soon this year.  It’s tough at times to ignore people and I hate my career choice because of it I feel like I miss so much stuff in my life. Anyways I know it wont make much difference that you are going away for few days to a different state, but mentally just feel like its making an impact on my mind that we wont be in the same state and were gonna be even further away than usual and you’d be busy and I’d prob be busy too with my stupid work but still feel this anxious feeling inside me. I just want you to stay safe and be careful while you are away. I have this restless feeling inside me and just want you home asap and I know it’s your vacation and you want this week to last long, haha but for me I’m wishing Friday can come asap. That being said I really hope you have an AMAZING TIME at Disney World!!! You will enjoy it so much and please try to be open minded and be a kid to really enjoy it!  It’s one of my favorite place to be because I feel carefree. Just promise me that we will do this once when we can start hanging together and sneaking out into trips and once we have baby Hassan!  Take lots of Pictures for me!!! Really want to feel part of it!  And don’t let anyone get you down...just relax!!!  Things wont go as you plan during most vacation especially when people go with family, but just let things go and enjoy. Muaah I love you!!! I am at a point where I just can’t wait to hang out with you even as a friend this point.  Hope that day is coming soon. 

Thank you for yesterday!!! Thank you for making me feel so special on my Birthday!!! The night before my Birthday was a hell, and I cried my eyes off because I felt like crap. Felt crappy in a sense I worked my butt off that Friday while my tooth was in pain and handling everything was just so hard. And then I was away from family and friends who I can’t really spend my Birthday with, so was just feeling down. Thank you for making me feel not so lonely on my Birthday and cheering me up!  Hopefully in the future we can spend our birthdays together and thats more than enough what I want. Thank you for the spontaneous breakfast in bed, lovely chocolate cover strawberries, and my cute little petite cake!!! You are just very sweet and loving!! Thank you for everything you have done for me!  You put a HUGE SMILE on my face! You probably had a hint what my wish was when I blew my candle was for us to start our lives together soon! 

Friday was just bad day, it started bad because I got a stupid paged at 3 am...funny thing was this girl resident loves messaging me at 3 am...even yesterday she send me a birthday message at 3 am...I’m like are you serious????  Just because you are on night call doesn’t mean I am on night call too...I heard my text message go off at 3 am yesterday.  I was like shaking my head....lol  Anyways floor was rough Friday and sorta rough 2 weeks into the January. I just have annoying needy patient and annoying needy attending that except everything to be done. And they become so dependent in me bc I baby them. But somehow I made it through Friday and even today wasnt easy! Morning was a bit rough handling consults in ED and going to random Ankle Case but somehow it worked out. Good thing was I got 6 free numbers in the OR this last week which is a huge thing!! So it’s not all bad but Hummus is just mentally exhausted. On top the day before, I decided to get a root canal done at the dentist bc my wisdom tooth was in pain which end up getting me a throat infection...so now I am in process of losing my voice bc its itchy and hurts to talk. I hate taking medication but I have to force myself to take the antibiotics to prevent infection. Have to go back in 2 weeks to finish up my procedure. 

So what else happen was my parents bought me a car, so that part settled for me which was worrying the hell out of me. They said car would be delivered end of this month. I’m still pretty nervous handling a car in NY and freaked out of my mind how I am gonna manage driving here. I really think I’ll die in an accident. Anyways I got a Black Nissan Versa Note 2016 model. I just hope it works fine and it will last me 3 years without any problem and then this car can do whatever it wants to hopefully lasting me more years but just need these 3 years to be easy. Thank God this got settled I was very worried. 

Hmm I’m starving right now, but I can’t fully eat bc of my tooth I feel like my teeth on left side is jamming my gums and even when I sleep I wake up from pain bc Im grinding it down. My bite mark isn't the same anymore so its bothersome. Hopefully by the second procedure things feel better. At least the pain is gone which is a huge thing because it was pound pain! I wanna have the cake so badly right now and maybe I will.  

Tomorrow is my 3rd week into Floors. I just want it to finish so I can relax in February in my off service month! Just annoyed not having a vacation since September. Can’t believe how fast months have gone and its already end of January! That’s crazy!! It’s a good thing because I just want these 3 years over soon! I want to start focusing on my personal family life! 

There is so much else on my mind and I have a headache thinking about it, but I can’t think of it right now! I’m just really missing you right now!!! You are the best thing that happen to me and I want us to make it through any challenges that comes our way. I know we get into so many random fights and almost break up because of me but I just want us to make it through. It’s been a rough 8 months at times just staying apart and thats probably what is making things difficult. And people around us don’t help because I get jealous so easily seeing other people happy because I want that happiness too. I just want my turn!  

I LOVE YOU!!! MUAAH!!! I want to wish you a safe trip to Orlando Florida and wish you safe trip back home!!! I can’t wait until you come back!!! I promise I’ll wont be needy this week and lay low and take care of myself. You have to promise me you do the same and if something random happen you need to tell me RIGHT AWAY...I don’t need random clues that something is wrong!  Please ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!! See You Home Soon!!! I LOVE YOU!!! MUAAAH!!!!!

[cryptidofthekeys]

Jason and Dean prompts!

1: Jason and Dean struggling to find each other in a crowded place (more like Jason struggling to find Dean's stupid ass). Fortunately, Jason knows just the thing. (prompt number one comin right up! Gonna put a keep reading here just in case)

Dean and Jason were out and about, they had needed some stuff from the grocery store, of course... Jason didn't exactly like going to this particular grocery store because there were so many crowds, so many people... It irritated him, luckily though... Dean was with him, so he had something to focus on to keep him distracted, he was listening to Dean ramble off some of the items they needed, and every so often Dean would go off topic and be rambling about something else, they eventually got to the aisle they needed to be in and started gathering some snacks and various other foods, Jason had went into the other aisles to grab some of the extra stuff Dean told him to get. After they had gotten everything they needed, they headed for the checkout immediately, Jason rolling his eyes when he noticed the cashier's fear, he looked away from them and just let Dean do everything, after the stuff was paid for they both hurriedly headed out, Jason already seeming more relieved to be away from all those noisy nuisances, his relief was short lived however when he noticed there was a large crowd formed in the streets, Dean seemed confused "Th' fuck is all this shit?" He then took notice of the floats beginning to pass by and he seemed interested actually "Ooh! A parade, huh?" He sped off into the crowd, leaving Jason behind to sigh "...So much for getting home quickly..." He muttered to himself, casually walking towards the direction Dean headed in. However he got lost in the crowd after trying to search for him, whatever this parade was in regards to it definitely had gathered a rather large crowd, after a bit of searching, Jason had gotten fed up and stopped dead in his tracks, for a few moments he was silent until he spoke "Dean's a lil bitch!" He yelled out, not caring if he got a few weird looks because as if right on cue, there was someone yelling out profanity and pushing his way through the crowd "What the fuck did you just say about me you fu-" He paused after he pushed the final person out of the way only to see Jason standing there with his arms crossed "You got a problem, buddy?" He joked, grinning down at Dean who only rolled his eyes "You lookin' to get your ass kicked today? Because I can definitely oblige" Jason only laughed at that "I'd love to see you try pipsqueak... But, more importantly... Let's get our groceries home before we fight, I'm not going back in there again" Dean nodded "Yeah, good point... Let's go" And with that being said, Dean and Jason finally headed on home to put the groceries away, they will probably most certainly fight afterwards but nothing actually serious of course. (got no better way to end that bc im not doing a fight scene rn) 2: Imagine the big, bright smile on Jason's face when Dean finally says ‘I love you’ for the first time. (prompt number two babey) Dean had told Jason he was going to go out for awhile, to keep watch of the place while he was gone which Jason didn't mind doing, he really didn't feel like dealing with people today, which luckily for Dean that makes his plan much more easier... He went out to an area only he really knew about, its a place he never told Jason about... He was going to forge the other a new weapon, a hook and chain something that isn't usually common... It'd be the perfect gift to build this up considering he knew Jason really loved unique weapons and he really needed more time for what he wanted to say, for once he wasn't feeling as confident as he usually was, this always occurred when he wanted to just go for it and tell Jason how he REALLY feels about him. Dean took a deep breath at the thoughts, the fear of how he thought Jason would react is what scared him the most, he knows its just his mind overthinking things but... He can't shake the feeling of Jason either not feeling the same or worse... He'll make fun of him even for... Having these emotions, either way... He was going to try and admit to it today, he just shook his head and tried to ignore the bad thoughts as he began to forge Jason's new weapon, he was lucky that Jason didn't know he could also forge and make weapons, Jason was the one who collected random stuff and turned into weapons, he still remembers the day Jason gave him the handcrafted weapons he had made and admittedly that had brought a smile to Dean's face, he loved how creative Jason could be, some of the stuff he's brought in before Dean didn't even think it COULD be made into a weapon but somehow the other made it work. After a long and exhausting while of forging, he wiped the sweat from his forehead and took a deep breath, it was complete... "Hopefully he likes it..." Dean muttered to himself, testing the hook and making sure the chain it was attached to wouldn't snap or nothing went wrong with it, once he made sure it was sturdy and strong enough he had grabbed the wrapping paper he brought with him and placed it into a large box, he then proceeded to wrap it up rather... poorly but listen, Dean can only do SO much... He's not good at EVERYTHING, once it was wrapped up enough to him, he turned and headed back to their 'house', his nervousness was starting to become more intense with each step he took... After awhile he had finally made it back and crept inside, noticing Jason was nowhere in sight so he must've been in his little area for the evening... Dean took a deep breath, his heart was racing as he called out "Yo! Jason! Can you uh, c'mere a sec?" He hid the box behind his box and his heart had almost sank when Jason came out of the darkness and then the other was standing right in front of him, arms crossed as usual "What do you want?" He didn't sound irritated or as if he were in a bad mood right now so that was a good sign... Dean however was not doing so well right now, his heart was pounding in his chest and he was obviously nervous "I uh... Um... W-Well..." He mentally cursed himself for stuttering and making it more obvious than he needed too, meanwhile Jason merely rose a brow "...Well? Spit it out already..." Dean shook his head and scoffed "G-Give me a minute! Th...This... isn't... is... um... uhhh.. isn't easy!" This made Jason fall silent and he was now waiting patiently, he even uncrossed his arms, he seemed... Interested as to what Dean was going to say. Dean was beginning to shake and panic internally, he took a deep shaky breath and pulled the box from behind himself "U-Uhh... here.... I... I made ya something..." He quickly shoved the box into Jason's arms and turned away, he couldn't do it... He just couldn't... Jason looked confused as he glanced down at the box and opened it up, his eyes widened as he grabbed what was inside, the chain clanking against itself, he looked over the chain itself and then the long sharp hook that was attached to it, he felt the tip and winced at how sharp it was, it had actually drawn a bit of blood from his finger even! He looked up at Dean "...You...? Made this...? Yourself?" He was... absolutely shocked, he had no idea Dean could make stuff like this... Watching as the other nodded "Yeah, uh... hope you like it..." He was about to walk away before he stopped dead in his tracks, he sighed... No... No, he would NOT do this again... He would NOT let his fear destroy another opportunity... He turned around and walked back up to Jason "No, that's not all... I'm... Jason... I.... I-I've... I've got... to tell you something...!" Jason fell silent and placed the hook back inside the box and set it to the side, he then stared down at Dean and waited for him to speak, he was... Somewhat hopeful this was going to be what he thinks it was... He knew his hope was probably false but, still... Maybe... Just maybe... Dean proceeded to jump in place and wiggle his arms around and even clench his hands into fists occasionally "Fuckin' hell why is this so hard?!" He shouted, mostly at himself, rubbing at his face with his hands, he was becoming angry with himself, why couldn't he just do it?! Why couldn't he just say it?! He looked up at Jason, the other still said nothing and just waited for him to speak... He's taken so many deep breaths and now he's taking another one "...Jason... I.... I'm.... I uh... umm... I lo... looo..." His heart pounded louder than it did before, he then shouted it out really quickly "ILOVEYOU!!" Dean squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the worst outcome to befall him, he waited... and waited... and waited... But there was just silence in place, he slowly opened his eyes but he didn't look up at Jason, he couldn't look at the other's expression... He was afraid of what he'd find until he heard Jason speak up, his tone becoming softer, well... As soft as a voice like his could be "...Dean... Look at me..." Dean took yet another deep breath and slowly shifted his gaze up to meet Jason's, he was shocked at the other's expression... It looked... Softer, loving even... "...You have no idea..." He paused, before smiling "How long I've waited to hear you say that..." And now Dean was REALLY shocked, he didn't expect that in the slightest "Yo...You aren't... like, upset or angry at me or anything?" Jason shook his head "Angry? Why the hell would I be angry for you loving me? Truth be told... I've felt the same way for so long... I was... You know me, I'm not afraid of anything but I was... Always afraid of you finding out and making fun of me for like, being gay..." Dean's eyes widened before he shook his head and grinned, tears were in his eyes now... "Nah man, We both know I'm an asshole for sure... but I'm not THAT type of asshole, so wait... Y-You... You feel the same...?" Jason immediately scooped Dean up and chuckled, he also had tears in his eyes right now "Yes, yes I do... and thank you for the weapon... I love it, and I damn sure love you..." Jason immediately pressed his lips against Dean's, giving him a nice little smooch which made Dean blush intensely, the moment Jason pulled away he noticed this and laughed "You're blushing~!" Dean then scowled and gave the other a swift punch to the arm "S-Shut the fuck up! ....Wait..." He had finally noticed and cheekily grinned at Jason "You're also blushing too ya smartass!" The other merely grumbled and rolled his eyes "Whatever..." He couldn't hide the smile on his face "...I'm glad you feel this way... I'm glad we... both finally... admitted it... This is.... the happiest day of my life..." Dean couldn't help but smile, he gave him another smooch, this time on the cheek "Same here babe... Same here..." (two gay punks finally admit love for each other! y o w i e w o w i e! ...im sorry for using that quote- but onto the final prompt) Horror movie night with the lads! Dean sighed and slumped down on the couch "Jason, I'm fuckin' bored...! There's nothing on TV!" He exclaimed, which led to Jason standing up from his spot and walking over to one of the shelves, he quietly skimmed through it until he pulled out a certain movie "Let's watch this..." Dean looked over at the movie Jason had in his hands... It was See No Evil... Dean rose a brow "...Never seen that one before? What's it about?" Jason shrugged "The plot and backstory is a bit... Plain but honestly, the gore is pretty good... Think you can handle it hotshot?" Dean only laughed "Pah! Are you kiddin'?! It's just a silly movie, I can handle ANYTHING!" Jason scoffed "We'll see about that..." He popped the dvd into the player and then immediately set back down on the couch, it was a good night for a horror movie night anyways... It was quiet as could be, pitch black out and there was even some thunder on occasion. (listen... I k n o w- that horror movie isnt very good to many people but hey... I love it and want to reference it so shh- also it kinda fits for reasons being Dean gave Jason a hook as a present so just shsh-) Once the killer came on screen, Dean actually looked surprised "Damn... A pretty tall dude that one is..." Just then, he watched as the killer sank his hook into one of the victim's leg and this made Dean whistle "W o w... Pretty interesting weapon, don't see a hook used TOO often..." Jason nodded "Yeah..." He glanced over at the other, noticing he wasn't terrified or even scared in the slightest yet, if anything he looked excited for the gore... After awhile and halfway through the movie, Jason had gotten a great idea... He smirked for a moment before getting up "I'll be right back, gotta use the bathroom..." He then walked off, leaving Dean alone for a good bit... He walked into his room and grabbed his own hook and chain, he wanted to test something... He didn't know if this would scare Dean or not but he was somewhat hopeful that would be the case. Jason slowly crept out of his room and stood a good bit back from the couch, he'd have to make sure NOT to hook the couch, he didn't want to tear it anymore than it already was... He stood there for a few moments and then he threw it, right beside Dean, upon hearing the loud clank Dean yelped and jumped back, which led to him falling off the couch, he then noticed Jason holding the chain and snarled "You fuckin' asshole! What the FUCK?!" Jason couldn't help but laugh at this situation "Oh man... You look like you saw a ghost...!" He continued to laugh and then he pulled his chain back and grabbed it, he then walked over towards Dean who immediately tackled him onto the couch and began throwing (fake) punches to which Jason only chuckled at that and placed his hook against Dean's back "You wouldn't last five seconds in a horror movie if this is what you're going to do... I think you forgot... About my weapon" He gave Dean a little poke with the sharp end of the hook, he noticed Dean only grinned at that however "Oh... You're gonna get it... I'm GONNA get you back... Shoulda never given that stupid hook to you, knew you'd pull some bullshit with it!" Jason sneered and chuckled "I'd love to see you try..." Dean only gave him a final 'punch' and scoffed "When you least expect it big boy... Is when I'll strike..." Oh yes... Dean would get him back, he'd just wait until Jason never expected it... (aint got a better way to end this either but bam, three prompts donezo! Next up for story wise is gonna be a full length one and not "quick fire prompts" its gonna be a werewolf au in fact with these two lads, which should be fun to plan out but here's some quick fire prompts and some references to a movie I really love even if it isnt the best plot/backstory-wise)

[ts-nightingaleislands]

Episode #6- “so here i am not getting any strikes.”- Vincent

TIM IS GONE!! That sneaky mother fucker. Am I allowed to curse on here? I will be taking credit for that thank you very much.  So Chris was busy most of the day, but came back online about 15 min before tribal. We were the swing votes between Tim and AnnMarie. We decided that I would vote for AnnMarie to make it seem like I am with them, and Chris would vote Tim and claim that he didn't see the change. Kyle wants to know why Chris would vote Tim, and I told him that AnnMarie must have gotten to him. Hopefully we can convince them that she was the mastermind behind it. We shall see.

WHAT THE FUCK!!! I didn't see that coming at all. I thought for sure I was going home or at least getting some votes. Guess the game really is just starting :)

Well that was radical, I had to pretend I was off before this tribal when I was on for a half hour with Gwen. Here I learned the vote switched from Liam and Tim to AM and Tim and it made my decision easier, I didnt wanna do Tim so early but I do like AM more and feel like I dont need the shield in him to make it far. It is kind of funny that had this switch not happened, Tim would probably be here. Regardless, now is the time for damage control

Now that its the morning after I've done some thinking. My next step is going to be to ignite Petrel people to come together. I would love for us to win out til merge and keep Austin as a number, but we have to look at the bigger picture and until I see otherwise, that picture involves what's best for me and my allies, which seems to be getting Noah/Cheatham out. So I want to spend the next bit getting everyone feeling comfortable with each other again. I'm pretty sure there are people who will think I'm playing the middle, but I will stand by the vote on Tim instead of AnnMarie.

if the hosts had edgic i'd be incentivized to write more confessionals but unfortunately they only incentivize us by giving strikes for not writing any. so here i am not getting any strikes. so i won the hero challenge against annmarie, continuing thrush's win streak which is definitely about to end. the challenge is live endurance, and we are bad at that. but we've voted out the inactives so maybe not this time? one thing which i found weird was that at the reward, we were given the option to forfeit to get the results of a tribal. annmarie, who had just received 4 votes, didn't take it. tbf maybe i misread the rules and she couldn't, but that felt weird to me. i've spoken a bit with steven again, and i do not see myself going very far with him like with noah/austin. not in a cheatham way where keeping him around would be actively detrimental, but in a neutral way. also i like how my cfs are 50% perfect grammar/syntax and 50% forgetting that the caps key exists. it makes the game of reading a cf and trying to figure out who wrote it much more fun!

Kentucky Fried Austin's mist is so strong! Kidding but I am feeling like I prefer Austin staying as opposed to Kyle since it seems Kyle's heart isnt in this as much. Not to mention the way he performed in the challenge was a bit of a red flag to me.

The status quo has returned to normal, Thrush has returned to tribal council. Petrel's strategy of not sleeping won over Thrush's strategy of sleeping before beginning, apparently. I still want to vote out Cheatham, but I was a little worried because everything was a little too convenient, almost as if it fell perfectly into place. Then I realized that if Cheatham knew he was in trouble and played an idol, he wouldn't take me out. Noah is a much bigger threat in my opinion, so any surprise idol plays would likely see him go. Steven is on board, making the plan 3-2 if everything goes as expected because Amy has to self-vote. Will it go right? I sure hope so. But worst case scenario, Noah is idoled out. I mean, that would be terrible, but I'd have three more days to plan something then, so I really don't see myself being in a ton of danger tonight. this is probably my last cf

We won again! I'm still a little confused & annoyed about our tribal council because I was completely left in the dark about the AnnMarie votes, but I guess it ain't too big of a bother since I survived with no votes against me despite what I was told! I hope we merge soon because I'm so ready to take this game to the next level ya have no idea.

Man that last tribal was crazy. So I pretty much constructed the target and I had a good control of the game. However Chris voted Tim out because he wasn’t active in the last 2 hours to see the plan change. In theory I was the person that wanted Tim out so it wasent so bad but I voted Annemarie out and that put me and Gwen in jeopardy. So winning this immunity was crucial. I just hope that my relationship with Chris and Gwen are still very solid. I have Kyle in my corner we just need one more. I seemed very well liked so I don’t think I have to worry but I am nervous going to my next tribal but I do think I have a great grasp of this tribe.

I really still don't know how I wanna play this game . They are alot of good people here but I just don't know who to really trust yet. I hope a merge happens soon just so I can check in with my old tribe .

Kinda exhausted that it’s my name being brought up as the back door every fucking week. At least I have Noah who just tells me stuff. I don’t wanna act like he’s doing EVERYTHING because y’all should hear the stupid shit he brings up and i’m like “No that’s stupid”. But I honestly just expect to go to tribal and try and figure out a way to not get voted out. This idol doesn’t even make me feel safe since I might not even get to use it. I just hope we merge soon and there are more targets than just Cheatham. Mwah

well, steven is now on our tribe so it consists of me/vincent/noah/steven/cheatham. this round the plan is to vote out cheatham bc he has an idol. but everyone else will make him think that they are voting for me so that he doesn't play it. if everything goes according to plan, we will flush and idol and ill lose someone thats been coming after me for a while now

Yeah, my head is currently more cluttered than a kitchen sink so I don't have a lot to say.... but... Still really, really hoping that I can make something work with Austin and AnnMarie! I trust AnnMarie fully, Austin is still slightly questionable! I tried to get Kyle in on it too but he ignored me so...rip! I did get word not though that Liam wasn't super happy about being left out of the last plan though, so maybe we can pull him in. If we have to go to rocks at any point....I'm not scrrrrd!

AAAAAHHHH!!! just thinking back to tribal council makes my heart pound again. I was betrayed, oh my. Most everyone who was working with me changed up THEIR plan and decided to vote for me instead. Chris saved me, but I am not particularly fond of liars. Gwen, bless her heart, is very very very sneaky. Knows exactly what to say to not make herself seem guilty. Tim is gone, and that was the only thing that went according to plan. I now know where my relationships stand with my tribe mates, and things aren't looking good. I am working with Sarah and Austin now, but no one else. I fear that I am now on the bottom. Oh well! I will probably put in another confessional to go more in depth to what happened  

Well we lost the challenge. Me and Noah kind of dropped the ball, leaving Vincent to fend for himself. He obviously couldn’t carry the entire tribe, even with the reward advantage(which he also won), but props to him for the valiant effort. So we’re going to tribal tonight. My streak of being the longest player to not go to tribal is finally coming to an end. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. Luckily the plan I’m apart of if pretty much guaranteed to work, so...(bye bye Amy). Hope every thing works out.

Things have calmed down since the tribal council. We won immunity again. I can't believe I posted every 5 minutes for 12.5 hours. Am I a crazy person? Probably. Did I have fun? Yes. And i got to bond with Austin so that is good. Chris and I are talking about ways to do damage control with the AnnMarie and her allies. I wish I could just tell her that I knew where all of the votes were going and that I knew she would be fine...that Tim would go home. But I can't risk her exposing that to Rizo and Kyle. So we are just going with the story that Tim told us last minute that he was targeting us and that one of us would go home if we didn't vote AnnMarie. Since Chris "didn't get online in time" it makes sense that he didn't see Tim threatening him. Fingers crossed this works! I hope we don't have a tribe swap. That could mess things up, depending on who gets switched on to each tribe. Please please please, no tribe swap!! :)

3 votes Amy, 1 vote Cheatham.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #6: “Can i PLEASE get a blindside.” - Jared

ok so basically the game has been sooo quiet and ive like.  felt dead. idk. i had a breakdown last night bc of it and i cried on my couch (KNOW THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN THIS LKSDJGKLDSGLS I WOULDNT CRY PURELY BC OF THAT) but yaaa and now im better but like the entire day i was throwing up in class (or like feeling anxious im exaggerating sorry) about going home.

i didnt want mo out but with that being said i didnt want anyone out?? after i mentioned to him that stephen/mo were targeting each other, rhys came to me with the idea that like him jared chloe and i should make a chat, and i was down for that bc it would secure my positioning and like ALSGKSDG who'd flip on an alliance THIS early.. right?? right..

chloe was really not talkative with me. stephen/jared were active so i appreciate that immensely. im just thrown off. i dont really know who i can or cant trust.

OK ALSO SIDE NOTE CHRIS SENT ME [IM NOT EXAGGERATING] 55+ MSGS SPILLING TEA ABOUT HOW THE TUATHA HAD AN OG ALLIANCE WITH EVERYONE BUT MITCH + MAYNOR - which i knew about but LASKGLDKS AHHHH. and he leaked that stephen wanted kori/bryce targeted and i leaked that to bryce to further stephens target. IM JUST SO MESSY LOL

also i kind of predicted a swap likeee omfg. and i dont know how i feel. i kind of felt safe on my tribe??? but like.. oh no. anyway, my tribe isnt super dominant in challenges or anything (compared 2 the other tribe who has bryce/stephen/drew), but i think we can win a lipsync since we have a woman, gay men, and a metrosexual male who has an outgoing personality (and i mean that in the nicest way obviously). IDK I HOPE WE WIN BC THAT TRIBAL WAS HORRIFIC AND I LOVE MO SO MUCH AND AHH.

ill probs give a video soon in more depth with what chris said. yalls deserve it.. oops period.

I HOPE YALL CAN FORGIVE ME. im eating hotdog. bye bye love u all.

Wow I like the whole tribe! Alyssa is probably my front runner of talking and honestly she's great! I am in her spell ahhhh but hey JARED is here too woo! I think at least with Mitch and Zach too I'll be safe but I'll see! This challenge could either go really well or really badly for us but I'm excited to do anything creativity!!

I absolutly love my tribe at the moment, i'm getting along well with alot of them except Kori who i haven't spoken to much at all but im confident in our abilities to win! Jared is talking a little bit about wanting the game to pick up a little bit and i agree to some extent however blindsiding someone just for the sake of a blindside isn't smart gameplay so im just gonna lay low nd continue making those strong bonds here there and everywhere to hopfully come out on top should we end up at tribal

Can i PLEASE get a blindside

________________________________________________________________

hi it's 6 am but rhys fucking filmed vertically so if we lose he automatically has my vote

I feel good but also scared. I dont think I'll do as good of a job as I hope, but it also is turning out decently so far. My biggest concern is time. With having work tomorrow, I can only do the editing on my lunch break of 90 minutes, then whenever i get home which probably wont be until 6, given the upload time that leaves me with about 3 hours in total. Hopefully I'll be able to work with Rhys and Jack's stuff, as i think it'll be easier for me to do it then. Regardless, I'm gonna be a zombie but LOL this is the second Wednesday in a row I stayed up late except this is not for school and instead of 3 hours, ima get 2 hours of sleep haha that is so sad and funny and heebee jeebee zoinks, alright goodnight

Two things: 1) there's really nothing quite like making a fool of yourself multiple times in a single org, just to be immune for one round. 2) i am horrible at looking for idols

So Matt just told me he thinks we’re gonna have a double tribal right before merge which is like ew I hate that throw it out please, speaking of throwing out uh Kori can go because he’s wearing on my nerves like yes we’re gonna get things done on time calm down please and thanks.

these people are actually delulu if they think that video is winning. no fucking way we are winning. time to go to tribal!

So the swap has happened, and I get what is almost probably my worst case scenario player-wise. All of my close allies, with the exception of Kori, are currently on Cyrena. Meaning that winning immunity isn't even really good, since it puts them in danger.

I think there's a way to make this bad situation good though. Getting to finally work with Michael, Matt, Loris, and Drew can actually be a blessing in disguise. If I get on their good sides now, they might clue me into their plans once merge rolls around. That's the hope, anyway. For now my goal is just to survive being swapped with a bunch of people I've barely spoke to!

The past 24 hours have been major toughie for me. Staying up late and then trying to manage editing a video, work, and time constraints, and I won't lie, its been exhausting, but I didn't want to let my tribe down, or anyone down I guess. A little ways through, I kinda felt pretty defeated and then learning at last minute it was due an hour before I predicted made me panic A LOT internally, but it does seem like the tribe likes it so if we do lose and if they do vote me out, I can look back at this and feel like I did something right.

Well a lots happened and to be honest at times life and this game move too quick for me to even remember if I've mentioned it. We swapped, and I'm trying to just keep myself afloat however I can.

The challenge was overly stressful and I have no idea if we'll pull it out. Editing has been so stressful and I've found new appreciation for the people that do it. I just hope whatever I whip together will just be enough so that I can breathe and really take stalk of my new situation.

So, I haven't been around a whole bunch recently. However I'm glad we didn't go to tribal, that could've been  a reason if my name came up. So I'm glad I have time to more cement my bonds on this tribe and keep my name out of peoples mouths.

We JUST WON IMMUNITY WOOHOO. I was kind of nervous with a music challenge considering the only other one I did previously I did not do the greatest in :P. Both videos were amazing and im so glad Eve and Jones's mom liked ours significantly greater than the other one! As far as my position is concerned, I am reunited with Jared and our relationship is still strong I think so that's good. Stephen I am HOPING will be ok by just latching on to Kori at least for premerge. Those two are still the ones I trust the most, but I also like Alyssa Chris and Zach. I WISH i could connect more with jack, but i feel like every time we play together it gets more difficult to hold a conversation, so that's a yikes. Jared myself and stephen are diligently working on the idol search, but it's likely already found. I'm pretty sure there are too many components for someone to just find it by themselves

WELL. Im a target tonight! God we really do love that for me. We really do. Kori, eat my fucking ass. You leave me on read all the time. And then you have the NERVE. THE ACTUAL NERVE. to be like "omg stop slipping in my dm's!" Boo if you didn't leave me on read constantly then maybe i would actually want to speak to you! an actual moron. And then STEPHEN HAS THE FUCKING AUDACITY to me like "ya lol i'll be at tribal i'll make the decision between you and Kori at tribal!". BOI. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU GET TRUST IN SOMEONE. Its fucking ridiculous. Thank god Michael is in my corner, hopefully drew and bryce too. I am NOT getting 15th right now, no way. I am BETTER than this. i am going to make it work, tim gunn style. maybe its time to break the fajitas and channel their energy once again

Why do I go on the initiative literally ever? I'm clearly bad at it, I wasn't even remotely thinking things through and I SHOULD have let Stephen or someone else suggest someone but no I had to be mildly greedy and wanna send home Matt whom I barely DM.

I already flopped editing the video, and now here I am flopping the social/stategy game that I love playing supposedly.

Of course I tried reaching out to Michael and Drew FOOLISHLY because I wanted to build trust and maybe work with them. So naturally Michael tells Matt because ofc they'd be close as would Drew probably since he and Michael have been together since Day 1. As it stands I'm stuck praying Loris is gonna vote with me and it just sucks because I'm so bad at this game.

I'm trying to keep a cool head right now because there's still time. Stephen and I are trying to work logistics, see if we need to switch the vote to say Michael in case of an idol, but I'm not sure Loris/Bryce would be on board for that.

There's a pretty good chance that I'm definitely dead. But I'ma fight to the bitter end!

Today I learned from Stephen that Kori is in some dangerous water. He I guess said Matt's name to Michael who told Matt and now them and Drew are voting Kori. However Bryce and Stephen and perhaps Loris are all voting Matt. Now this is good if it works because honestly that group having to endure their numbers dwindling is good for my game. It only leaves Jack and Alyssa but I think we better be careful because I can see both of them slipping through the inevitable war zone that is gonna be happening.

Today's been a pretty informative day for me. After losing the immunity challenge by a hair, I was worried because I didn't think I had bonded very well with my current tribe through One World, luckily for me, that doesn't seem to be their biggest concern at the moment.

During the initial stages of the vote, I talked to Kori and the two of us decided Matt would be the easiest target to take out. I was leaning towards voting Matt because we hadn't talked very much, so hearing Kori was on board right away simplified things for sure. Bryce and Loris both seem to be on board with it too so I shouldn't have anything to worry about at this point.

In the morning, things got a whole lot more complicated. Matt found out he was the target through Michael, and began his campaign to get Kori out instead of himself. I'm not entirely sure why Michael decided to do this, but it doesn't make much of a difference at this point. Matt campaigned to me, and I sorta pretended to be on the fence. I was listening to what he said, but Kori is realistically one of my closest allies, there's no way I'm voting him out to side with people I had just met.

Once campaign season got under way, I had a conversation with Chris. Chris tells me that on original Orfeo, him, Loris, and Zach believed there was an alliance of Chloe/Sharky/Drew/Michael formed. This explains not only why Sharky was seen as an easy boot on swap-Tuatha, but also why Michael wants to keep Matt instead of Kori. With Chloe re-joining after tribal, him/Drew/Chloe/Matt would form a tight majority. Without Matt, they're a minority.

I proposed an idea to switch the vote from Matt to Michael or Drew. I said it was because I was worried about an idol, but this alliance is the real reason I wanted to do it. However, Kori, Loris, and Bryce are comfortable with the status quo and since it's not my neck on the line I didn't feel the need to push too hard.

Me, Kori, and Bryce now also have an alliance with Loris, which is cool? I haven't gotten very close with Loris yet but he seems like a smart player tied to Chris and Zach which spells good things for us working together in the future. Assuming I survive this vote and have a future, of course.

hi I think I might make it past final 15 that’s nice umm... I suggested an alliance of me Bryce Stephen Kori to counter the potential power of chloe Matt Michael and drew once chloe joins our tribe because my brain is massive. but now we’re like scared for idols . scary shih anyways like how r u I’m good.

________________________________________________________________

oh huh tribes r gonna be even again next round... so I have to make this conf by default just in case of a you know what wait no anna u said no more 24 hour challenges QUEEN ... thank god I can’t be bothered to delete this so she’s being SENT

Right now there's so many things running through my head with the introduction of Matts vote steal, because realistically i could convince him to give to me or i could keep him around as a potential shield. I don't want to do it to the guy but also a vote steal could shift the tides of the game in my favour later down the line. so it's a difficult decision and one id rather have more time to contemplate.

Wooo ok operation vote steal is a go and next round we’ll be swimming in green hopefully but with one world sis og tribe lines just ain’t it!

God im over this tribal. Like ugh these people really are under Kori's mist so like im probably going home. Do I think i might be able to survive? a small glimmer of hope says yes, but i'm not confident. God im just... so annoyed at this. Im clearly on the outs here and I just HOPE i can pull through i just am so scared. I know if i do leave though that I have fought my damn hardest to stay tonight. Im trying to think of the positives because its hard to do so because im being sad atm.. UGH. the fajitas really have failed me tonight, their light has dimmed and their guidance is no more. i am now with the darkness. we r one.

Oh my fucking god my heart is breaking. Matt is basically in such a deep hole he's going to go home, unless he plays an idol. And Alyssa has an idol. And she doesn't think it's smart to use it on him because Michael says he's just gonna go home next round. His social game hasn't been up to snuff and they're gonna boot him regardless, so she wants to keep us with power and let him go. And I agree with her. Which kills me. I'm usually able to just be a robot when it comes to this like yes I will make the smarter decision if it means I'll be emotionally torn, and this is such an instance. Luckily, it's not my idol to give up. Yes Alyssa says it's "our" idol but it's her call end of the day. I just... fuck. This is all stars man. And I'm actually starting to feel, for once.

Well it's about an hour before tribal and at least on it's surface it would seem Matt is going. I'm not confident though because any number of things COULD happen. I'm hoping there's no idol play, just because I feel like pre-merge just isn't a good look for me.

If Matt does pull something off, then kudos to him, and if it's me that'd make this my final confessional for the season. I've had such an amazing time playing and while I feel like I've been playing a lower key game on purpose I feel like I'm doing what I can to really come into my own. I hope the bonds I've made are gonna stick and that everything works out for us.

But if it doesn't I guess I'll have to find a way to be ok with that. This has been such a unique All-Stars experience so far, and I hope I can take what I've gotten from it and make myself better for it. (Also highkey hopefully this isn't my last confessional and I'm getting sentimental for no reason.)

________________________________________________________________

Kori is voted out 4-3.

[survivorwakea]

Episode #2: “yee yee can’t wait to DOM” - Anabel

a joint tribal!?!?!?! THIS IS JUST TOOOO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!! 

Tbh like I wanna win but I also don’t want to put in a lot of effort just for us to lose Bc I fully expect some other tribe to go try hard and I can’t see our sorry sack of losers being the best at any challenge much less one that requires effort

Okay so like anybody who thinks that this round is going to be anything near simple is absolutely oblivious to what game we are playing. This is going to be complete chaos. Whatever game plans you have come up with you can just toss out the window because I don’t think there is a single person that has any idea of what to aspect or even how the hell to handle this. Shot completely shot

I’m starting to get more and more annoyed with these people as time goes on. Are y’all aware this is for immunity and yalls games are on the fucking line? Because it definitely doesn’t look that way. NO EFFORT AT ALL BEING PUT INTO CHALLENGES. And the stakes are higher than fucking ever this round.

this fucking challenge is legitimately draining me bc i keep fucking up and i feel like joey and jared hate me lol.... i might jump out a window but we’ll see

it’s 1am, jared just told me he was proud of me and im legitimately SOBBING. this is the most exhausting challenge i have ever participated in.

So, we finished in second again. That is the good news. The bad news is, only one tribe wins immunity. So we’re at tribal with Haumea and Kanaloa. The question is, do we go with Haumea, and take away potential swing vote power from Kanaloa, or do we go with Kanaloa, and try to whittle another tribe down to 4? Decisions, decisions.

wow y’all i just called jared for like 45 minutes and he might be the kindest human on the planet ugh... im keeping him. he’s the new johnny. bye johnny helLO jared. and jared isn’t even straight!! so that’s another thing he has over johnny BESIDES being nicer than him (just kidding i love johnny so much johnny if ur reading this u will never be replaced)

can’t believe we won immmmm this is crazy i love this tribe and this game and that challenge yee yee can’t wait to DOM

So it looks like a 14 person joint tribal is coming like what the fuck! I'm excited though. This vote I can see being based off of activity. It's probably the safest move but I am saying that now, things can change later.

this joint tribal really got me fucked up. of COURSE we lose immunity. what a shocker. it’s not like ben fucked up two times in a row when we were so close to being in the 30s... if he would have never fucked up, we LITERALLY would have won. i’m so mad. but ugh. anyway. being at this joint tribal is a blessing and a curse. a blessing because i have 24 hours to kinda build other relationships outside of my tribe incase of a swap, while the other immune tribe is missing out on building relationships. a curse for the obvious.. i don’t wanna be voted off! yes, i have the idol, but i wanna just play like i don’t have it for now and i don’t wanna rely on that. i need to save that for the future. obviously, i have elmo’s back. even fucking bens back even tho he got me real mad. ian? he can go at anytime, i truly don’t give a fuck. he’s rude and disrespectful and i’m sick and tired of his slick ass remarks. adam? a non motherfucking factor. but i don’t want ian nor adam leaving in this tribal, just because i think i faked it so good and they actually think i like them. justin messaged me and i LOVE justin so i’m feeling good about that. taylor messaged me and he’s a king in training.. he could use a little more work. and johnny messaged me and he seems iconic. only red flag is.. he’s straight..! i know.. a big red flag. other then that, i have chloe on the other tribe and i talked to her a bit and i think we’re on a mutual understanding not to vote eachother out. so as of right now, it’s kinda just a wait and see who wants to thro the first name out, because i don’t. and to be completely honest, i don’t care who goes home. it’s to early to even throw a random name out and maybe have it come back and bite me in the ass. i really don’t care who it is. i’m willing to vote out absolutely anyone right now besides myself and elmo. so. we’re gonna have to sit and wait, but i’ll make sure it’s not me.

this is an interesting round bc i think logically in a normal situation a tribe with fewer numbers would be in the middle here but since the general vibe at least right now is that the blues (bar chloe and thomas i think?) are inactive so that tribe could end up being targeted

I think that there isnt rly a reason to make a big move at f19 in the game so i think most ppl will jump to whatever vote they hear first but at the same time usually u dont want to be the first one to throw a name out because ppl can pin the vote on u and make u a big threat etc i definitely need to talk to everyone on my tribe just to get their vibes i talked to zack and ben a lil and they both seem to agree that we should work with haumea

idk who will be the target but my prediction is either asya or dean honestly rn im just trying to be social with everyone bc if there is a change of plans or whatever then i dont want to be the one who will be paying the price

anyway im somewhat calm right now? i dont know if there is a plan already in the works without me but i highly doubt it also if there will be a plan that shouldn't involve me, im fairly certain that i would hear from it

What’s going on? Honestly idk. Not even sure who is on the other tribe and we aren’t far enough into the game for me to care too much (jk jk I care but also damn I don’t have time to get to know 5 more people). Luckily I already know and love Elmo. I’m really hoping I can sway him to vote for someone on his tribe instead of ours. But we will see. I don’t have much time today to play so I’m hoping I use the little time I have wisely.

So major Internet connection issues  forced me to unofficially sit out of the challenge. They carried over today and now I've barely spoken to anyone about tribal. I'm so out of the loop it's actually hilarious

Heading into what I believe will be a three tribe swap of 6 players each, I feel good. Not having to go to Tribal is making me a bit nervous tho, I need to get some blood on my hands in order to establish a place for myself in the game.

So first tribal for our tribe Haumea, and it's a joint tribal! Whoa! I've never been a part of a joint tribal, but I'm just trying to lay low and let everyone else decide what will happen. Of course socially I'm trying talk with everyone so I don't get targeted for NOT talking to people. It's also great for starting to build that foundation with some of the other players so when the eventual swap comes I can already have  connections. It's like using 2 -in-1 paint & primer🖌️ it's just more efficient, and time saving 😂 It seems that the consensus may fall on Dean from Kanaloa. I think it'd be a smarter move because it would anger the least amount of people. Leaving Kanaloa with only 3 members. But of course some things are never that easy, So i guess we'll see. Connections-wise I really like Elmo and Zacky, and would be interested to know more of and potentially work with Asya too. Johnny has definitely taken the leadership role of our tribe, which I'm completely okay o. Takes the pressure off of me and means I can just sit back, relax and enjoy the shield.

Oh god I feel so sick right now writing this. Being chucked into a tribal with like 12/13 other people most of whom I didn’t know was insane. Especially sort of feeling like I was on the bottom. All day people have been saying to me about Dean being inactive and I’ve been like ok cool I’ll vote him if that’s how it swings. And not it’s basically confirmed he’s the vote I feel sick that I have to turn my back on someone I’ve worked with the last couple rounds and who would told me he’d look out for me. But at the same time how can you look out for me if you’re never here and have put in very little effort to ensure that we didn’t end up in this position. I barely even had a proper chance to talk to the guy he’s been so inactive but I still feel like such a terrible person

https://soundcloud.com/bodhi-small/week2/s-seqAf

my tribe won immunity but we thought we lost it so that was funny

it allowed me to exercise my connections with people. it showed me that me and jared are close and that me and joey arent close! so im gonna go fix that if i can but hopefully we can win to the end

________________________________________________________________

Dean is voted out 11-1-1.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Can’t fall asleep right now...too much thoughts racing in my head. Just want us to be okay. Just want everything to be okay. We need things btw us okay because we have so many challenges we have to get through and I want the little things in our life to be okay so I feel confident we can make it through.  I mean its been tough jaan....right now i do feel like i don't know how our day will end ...it could end good or it could end bad...and its so frustrating to me. I don't want to be difficult. I don't want to come off needy. I want us to be happily ever after but I know my expectation are unrealistic at times. I don't know why we fight so much...maybe it comes from tiredness and we take it out on each other or maybe were not thinking correctly. Just want us to be okay to get through this together.  

I can feel it these days that you are slowly just giving up on me and I feel like you don't care about me as much and you mention it..which basically scares me into thinking that things may not work out btw us as we dreamed and hoped. And it scares me a lot jaan. I don't want us to distance and our feelings to die apart. Truth is my feelings for you would never die even if we don't end up together.  I would love you still a lot and it will bother me for rest of my life why it couldn't be. 

Anways I had to restart my post because I couldn't pick up from the last one. My week has been busy/ mediocre at work. Work this whole week consisted of 

Rounding in 10 Patients with 4 different attendings. writing notes for all patient, updating census, taking consults , updating attendings, covering OR cases, working in clinic, dealing with 20 + students texting me about coming to visit program, figuring out which student to take, and alway back in my mind wishing so badly I could be with you at Disney World. 

Work was a good distraction bc I was forcing myself not to think about who much I was missing you and keeping my mind busy and not thinking what you were doing every 5 min.  I was missing you so much and kept checking my phone and stopping myself from bugging you and letting you enjoy. But trust me I wanted to be next to you so badly and I wish I was.  And in my head just couldn’t wait for our days to go there together. 

I did try to socialize more and became little chatty here and there with people but being on floors I still had to finish work bc noone else was gonna do it for me. Just wanted to get everything I needed to get done before I left.  I hate staying past 5.  I was thankful that my coresident C was helping me out here and there.  This whole month attendings took lot of my time rounding...bc they spend hours with patient and it drove me nuts...and I had needy ass patient.  You think I am needy!!? ...this one lady just keeps on talking and had panic attack in front of me and I was like calm down...I don't have time for this. Literally spend 45 min calming her down. 

And then I had another attending who is so clueless and doesn’t know what he’s doing and is taking his freaken patient 4th time to the OR again!  It’s ridiculous and he hogs me forever ....not sure why but people have this going joke that he’s your boyfriend. -.- So very annoyed with him bc I’m trying to get rid of his patient so I can be done with him but his patient is getting sicker and sicker. 

And then students have been messaging me right and left about visiting.  Feel bad leading them on bc they all think we like them, but the truth is we can’t say no to them directly so we have to pretend to like them. And I feel terrible bc were basically wasting their time when were not really interested. We can’t release any hints on who we like bc its conflict of interest. So yes I am leading many students on bc I have to play this game.....I feel like such a player. LOL We already know who we want...and tomorrow we have a meeting of figuring out who we want to chose as our new residents. 

Clinic this week has been decent because we had so many students come to visit, we even finished 1 hour early. And same thing will happen next Tuesday which is pretty sweet. Its weird bc lots of students are fighting to get this program, mainly because of the pay and they think its super chill, when reality is its still just as much work. Clinic regardless exhausts me.

I feel like I hadn't had a decent rest since last Friday. Friday I worked. Sunday I worked. Then Monday through Saturday I’ll work again....so been a little exhausted. Rounding takes a toll on me these days ..bc I have to round on 10 patients usually. 

Thankfull in one week my second month of floor will be over. And then I’ll go off service which I’m nervous bc I’m getting my car next week and Im nervous as hell driving. You don't know how SCARE I am. I feel like I’m not gonna live to see 2018 bc NY scares me with driving. Last thing I wanted was to have a car in NY.  Please pray of me that I’ll be okay and wont get into car accident or die. 

I’ve been taking care of myself as promised...been eating appropriately on time and taking medication and sleeping. Right now my mind is buzz and I can't fall asleep bc so much on my mind and its 1 am.  

What else..oh yeah I mentioned about our current drama at work...its between C and I...Its just stupid shit but I is a bitch. And R is just struggling in IMED. 

And as promised I did make attempts to chit chat with R...he stayed backed yesterday to hang out with me before he headed home. He seemed stressed and felt left out of conversation in podiatry, so I just updated him on what was going on in the call room. Odd thing was he was on my case on getting a car...he was like you need to look, I can come with you to see cars, what you looking for etc...I didnt tell him yet i got a car, but I was like why do you care so much on my car problems. I mean its nice of him but still you know. Can’t figure him out.

Anyways tomorrow is how my schedule looks 

6:30 am to 9 am: Morning Meeting & Hopefully Discussing About Students (huge chance they may move it after 5pm...I hope not)

9 am to Noonish: Notes/Round/Update Census/Consults

2 OR Cases: 7:45 & 3:00 which both C will do it 

Noonish to 5pm: Consults 

Swoosh List:

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Logs/Duty Hours w/ Naan

Notes for Saturday

Monday PowerPoint Presentation 

Check Bills

Exercise 

Shower 

Pray

Nap

Talk Ami

Spend Time w/ Naan bc NAAAN IS BACK AND HES MINE MINE MINE!!!! 

Anyways I gotta go pee and I should try to sleep bc its 1 am. Sorry again about making things difficult. I love you!!! Muaaah!  I hear you snoring ....it so soothing.  I am so tempted to wake you up but I wont because I can tell you are tired..and jeez now your snoring extra loud LOL!!! Haha if you were sleeping next to me right now Id be like hugging you tight and my legs on top of you and just snuggling into your warmth body and possibly drooling on the side and you'd be like ewww hummus.  Okay okay Im gonna end this and sleep too. MUAAAH!!! I can’t wait for you to be back! Please have a safe trip back to NY!!! Pack everything and don't forget anything!!! I LOVE YOU!