#buildup of emotions from this week. I forgot how hard school is

[genderwip]

oversharing again - dysphoria , infantilisation , hints of misogyny if u look for it , idk

this week I have been being more open with everyone about my dysphoria , I talk to a couple of close people about it often but I usually avoid talking to others about it since as Ive been realising , whats the point in becoming vunerable about dysphoria only for people to clearly not care ?? because as a nonbinary transmasc my dysphoria cant be that bad right ?? I can just be a feminine enby and get placed into the "girl nonbinary" category right ????? people dont take me seriously at all ,, maybe because it took me longer to figure my dysphoria out than other people ? i've been identifying as trans since I was 13 ,, its nothing new and I wish people would just please stop infantilising me and making me question it , its definitely worse because im also autistic and people really seem to infantilise autistic transmascs for some reason ( its transphobia and ableism ) . its killing me everyday knowing that everyone sees me as a woman . I see people talk about how its easier to be transmasc because you're gaining power from patriarchy or something but ever since opening up about just how uncomfortable I feel with my agab and cis people realising I actually want to transition they don't take me as seriously as when I was fem presenting , I can tell they just see me as a silly girl .

I wore a binder in school today in the first time in a while , mostly because it really does impact my comfort throughout the day , and I have back pain and general discomfort in school anyways but the binder really does make it worse ,, I felt more dysphoric seeing my reflection in all the glass in the buildings and still looking like a girl even though I can barely breathe . I just dont know what the point was , it just made me feel othered from everyone and I couldnt concentrate on anything because I was so concerned trying to hold my binder so I couldnt feel my chest hurting constantly . idk if im just noticing it more but ever since starting to present more androgynously ( I consider it masc for me tho since before I was hyperfem ) , I get misgendered way more and again just feel like im not taken as seriously . at this point I feel like I should give up and become hyperfem again because at least I can pretend that im just doing dress up and that people are only misgendering me because im playing a fem character and not that people genuinely see me as a girl .

[arendaes]

June reading roundup! I didn't read quite as much as I hoping this month 🥲

A Tempest of Tea - I'm still...really conflicted over how I felt about this one. The premise was so interesting, and I really liked the cast of characters. There was also a twist involving the main character that I didn't see coming (I could just be dumb though) that I really enjoyed. But the pacing was very odd - the book is divided into three parts, but part one was over 50% of the book and pretty much everything interesting happened in parts two and three. There was also a scene near the end of the book I could tell was meant to be very emotional by the way it's written, but there wasn't enough buildup to it so it just fell really flat. There was also some weird King Arthur references in this, which the synopsis I read didn't even hint at so it kind of came out of left field for me. Ultimately I rated it a 3 out of 5; I bounced between 2.75 and 3.25 for its rating and I guess I'll wait and see what the second book is like. Maybe it'll retroactively make me change my rating on this one.

All Boys Aren't Blue - My nonfiction read for the month. It was very insightful and emotional; there were several times I teared up listening to the audiobook. George M. Johnson is very honest and upfront about the problems they've faced, both in relation to their race and their gender and sexuality, and I feel this is an excellent book for younger readers to read precisely because of how straightforward they are about this topics. It doesn't surprise me that it's one of the most challenged books in the country and that book-banners are trying so hard to get it taken out of schools, because it might do something they've failed to do and actually teach their children something about people different (or not so different) from them. Anyways, that by itself is reason enough to read it, and the fact that it's a great book is an even better one.

Most Ardently - This was a retelling of Pride & Prejudice, told from the perspective of Oliver Bennet. This was a delightful retelling; Oliver was so easy to get invested in as a protagonist and I found the alterations made to the story were fresh, exciting, and made sense within the context of the story that was being told. Gabe Cole Novoa's prose is very crisp and flows very nicely. The scenes between Oliver and his parents really stood out to me for being very emotional and well-done. Overall just a great book, 4.25/5.

Dragonfruit - This was another I was really looking forward to, and unlike a Tempest of Tea I do know for sure that I liked it. The worldbuilding in this one was engaging, and I loved the characters, especially the main character Hanalei. It was another were I felt the pacing was a bit off - the book started off strong, but then the middle lagged a little before finally picking up again at about 75% of the way through. I'm also not sure about the decision to market it as a "romantic fantasy" - the romance felt pretty sparse and again, didn't really come in to play until near the very end of the book. Besides that though, it was enjoyable, I'd probably read it again so 4/5.

Anyways, I'm going to spend the next few months pretty much reading whatever holds come in at the library, and continuing my re-read of the October Daye series. I have two books checked out right now; one I'm really looking forward to (Spells for Forgetting), and the other...I wasn't originally interested in but two reviewers I trust had opposite reactions to it so now I need to read it to find out what I think (Belladonna). And in case you think I forgot - yes, I am planning on reading Gideon the Ninth, I put it on hold at the library and it says I still have approximately a 3 week wait so...I'll get to it whenever I get it lol

[roz-ani]

Okay, so first: I am so sorry it took me so long to respond, dear anon. I was really busy with school. Not to mention Tumblr wasn't kind enough to put this in my ask box, but I fortunately took the screenshot the day I received the message, while it got lost in all the other notifications.

Now, properly responding to your ask would require me to write a looonnngggg analysis. I have absolutely nothing against Bumbleby or Blacksun. In fact, I feel indifferent about both. I did say once I ship BS, but it kinda... disappeared? I think around V5. I'm not even sure what to think about Bumbleby at this point. I do feel like something is missing there, but I also don't think Blacksun should've become canon? Like I said, I haven't formed my opinion on the matter, but I'll try to explain it as good as I can while hoping to not write a novel XD

In volumes 1-3 we witnessed how friendship between Blake and Yang formed. After leaving Adam, Blake needed someone who would focus on positives, make her feel comfortable and offer emotional support. She found that in team RWBY. Did she form any special connection with Yang then?

I think this moment is one of the most important ones in their whole relationship. Yang told Blake she can't focus on fighting all the time - she has to rest too, with her friends by her side. She even winked at her, but I don't see it as something romantic. I'd connect it to Yang's playful personality.

After that, we didn't see anything really important. There were a few smaller moments between them, usually shared with Ruby and Weiss. Until the Fall of Beacon:

I've noticed many people pointing this out as the first evidence of Yang's feeling for Blake. For me it doesn't really make sense. I'm 100% sure her reaction wouldn't change if it was Weiss, not to mention Ruby.

After that, Yang expressed how disappointed and crushed she felt when Blake left. She obviously didn't blame her partner for what happened, but she was trying to protect her at that moment, she heard how she screamed after Adam hurt her. But Blake felt guilty and went to the only people she had left in her life - her parents. Sun travelled there with her, therefore they logically had to spend more time together. More one that later.

Now, them missing each other is understandable, but were they really that close? Yang wanted Blake to be with her. It was not the first time someone left her, when someone didn't give enough support after something tragic happened. Many people saw it as something romantic. I didn't. Weiss explained Blake's way of thinking to Yang and Sun did the same for Blake. However, many interpreted that longing as more than friendship. I honestly don't blame them. It really felt like they tried to work with something that... just wasn't there. Now, it all seems to come back to the moment when Yang lost her arm and Blake left her. And that's the thing that probably confuses me the most, so let's just leave it here and move on.

Volume 6, oh sweet, sweet volume 6. We started with Yang still being uneasy around Blake... for a moment. She said it'll take time for things to be normal again, but what mattered the most was the fact her partner came back. On the Brunswick farm Blake tried to show her support by promising Yang she'll protect her - Yang obviously wasn't happy with that. The audience received an information that there's still a problem, something's wrong... but then they started to talk normally again. Now, there were more important things to focus on, but it felt like the whole issue disappeared, it went absolutely nowhere. Then we got the fight with Adam. My biggest problem is his line "What does she even see in you?". It's really, really difficult, if not impossible, to not see it as something connected to love/romance. Would he say the same thing if it was Weiss not Yang?

After that we got the hug and hand holding. Was it romantic? Pretty much yes. Saying that the Renora airship scene from v4 was intimate, but this one wasn't seems kinda unfair to me. But why? Why was it romantic? What lead to those feelings? Where did they come from? There had to be something in v6. If we accepted the fact them missing each other was completely platonic then why it would suddenly become romantic?

Now, Blacksun. The first time we met Sun he immediately found Blake interesting and knew about her being a Faunus. 

And while he might’ve been a bit “insistent”, he kept supporting Blake while trying to get closer to her. It’s obvious he was the one initiating something, like inviting her to the dance. Then we got this: 

Now, blushes are something that can be interpreted in a few ways, mainly embarrassment or something more romantic. I think we can all agree it’s the second option. Again: why? When did Blake start to see Sun as someone she could possibly date? We obviously skipped some school weeks in the story, so it’s possible that they just spent more time with each other. Still, there wasn’t much we could pick to support this. At the same time it was more than what Blake had with Yang at this moment. While Sun became someone she started to develop feelings for, Yang remained her close friend.

Then came the Fall of Beacon. Blake ran away and Sun went after her. He felt like he couldn’t leave her alone, she needed support. Like I said, Sun can be insistent, but he’s still a great friend. The only time he acted like he was flirting with her was when he called her “his hero”. After that he kept being supportive, help her solve the White Fang problem etc. Blake on the other hand was constantly saying she doesn’t want his help and that she came here to rest. If there was any romantic development from v3 left, they both knew it wasn’t the right time for it. After Sun got hurt, Blake revealed why she ran away, why she didn’t want her friend to get close to her. She viewed herself as the source of their problems, wanted to be hated. Sun explained to her why her mindset isn’t healthy.  

He even knew Blake kept thinking about Yang. 

Oh, I almost forgot about the parents thing XD It’s obviously an old scenario: overprotective father and supportive mother meeting their daughter’s boy-friend. It’s always connected to romance between two young people, so I don’t blame Blacksun shippers for pointing it out. After that, we didn’t get much between the two. They focused on their mission, Sun kept supporting Blake in her fight. I v6 Blake expressed how much she'll miss him and kissed him goodbye. Sun told Neptune it was never about romance and it’s true to some degree. I’m sure he’d go after her even if he wasn’t in love. Sun is an amazing friend. He has his flaws, but you can’t deny his loyalty. 

Okay, I skipped a few things here and there, but there’s still something I want to point out: the audience perspective. I think it’s safe to assume that Blacksun was more obvious choice. Does that mean Bumbleby never had a chance? Absolutely not. It’s not about whether it was planned from the beginning or not. It’s about buildup. When Blake and Yang got separated it was obvious they’re going to reunite. I wasn’t part of the FNDM during v4, so I assume people expected Blacksun to become canon during v4-5. I think it was still important to remember the fact of Blake and Yang reuniting in the future, which would obviously be crucial for their relationship. I also believe it was pretty obvious Sun wouldn’t stay with the group, so Blacksun would have to be confirmed later. I think the biggest problem with Bumbleby people seem to have is how obvious it is now. We all know it’s going to be canon, some even say it’s canon now. It does make sense since it’s inevitable at this point. But let’s look at this: 

It seems like they’re trying to make up for what was lost in the previous volumes. Bumbleby technically isn’t canon yet. Blake and Yang seem to be fully aware of their feelings, it’s just a matter of time before they confess. Now, that may annoy some people, because we all already know it’s the endgame. At least that’s how I see it.

Now, which ship had more buildup? It’s honestly hard to say. Just because two characters shared more scenes together it doesn’t mean the ship is going to be canon. You have to look at the context. It’s also important to not have those characters be together all the time. It gets boring and annoying. Sadly, RWBY likes to do that (although v8 is doing a great job so far). I think both ships would need more time to be properly built up. Now Bumbleby is basically canon. The ship has its flaws when it comes to writing, but it’s not something that can be changed.

[snowdice]

Gaps in His Files (Part 12) [Relabeled; Refiled Series]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters:

Main: Logan, Patton

Appear: Remy, Virgil (but only in the epilogue)

Summary:

Logan Berry has learned many things the last 10 years: a lot of math and physics, a bit of humility, and how to be a hero being just a few. Through his education, his experience teaching, and his exploits as the superhero Bluebird, he’s changed in a lot of small and large ways. He has recorded these changes in well-organized documents and files. He’s even had to create two new file designations: a red one for files about his moonlighting at Bluebird, and a light blue one dedicated to his boyfriend, Patton.

When Bluebird is targeted by a memory device and all of those 10 years of progress suddenly disappear, Patton Sanders and Logan’s extensive files are left as his only resource to get those memories back. But what is Patton supposed to do when there are clear gaps in his files? And what does he do when he is one of them?

This is set 25 years before Sometimes Labels Fail though it’s story is completely independent of it and it is not necessary to read that one first.

Notes: Superhero AU, memory loss, past child abuse, past child neglect, unhealthy ideas about ones place in relationships, emotional suppression, self-deprecating thoughts, medical procedures mentioned, very brief unhealthy views of sex

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

This one is very heavy. Patton is spiraling hard and expresses some very unhealthy deep seated views of himself and his role in relationships. So be warned and if you want to wait to read this, feel free. Basically all of the warning in the notes apply in this one except medical procedures.

Patton’s back ached from falling asleep on the floor next to the couch once again the night before. It had been horribly quiet in the apartment in the last 24 hours since Patton returned from the hospital to find Logan gone. He didn’t know what to do.

They’d defaulted back to looking through the files that they’d already pretty much read through at this point and Patton was starting to wonder if there was even any point. They’d looked through the red ones last night and the green ones this morning before rotating back to the blue ones which were now spread all over the coffee table.

Patton had snagged one of the fluffier blankets from the closet and curled up under it, but it didn’t make him feel any better. In fact, he might feel worse because he couldn’t keep insisting that Logan pet it like he normally would.

Logan didn’t even seem to care enough to voice his obvious unhappiness with Patton. His silence just made Patton feel worse and worse and made his thoughts spin and spin. Logan was tapping his fingers against the table thinking about something. Usually Patton would respond to that action with patient fondness, but today it just made him want to curl up into a ball wondering what he was thinking. Patton’s mind kept returning again and again to that place it had been in on and off the last two months except that place was getting darker and darker every time he came back around to it.

Ever since the rejected proposal, Patton had tried to figure out what it was about him Logan didn’t like. He’d tried all sorts of things. He’d tried not inviting himself over to his apartment as much, not being as pushy about Logan taking care of himself, offering sex less, offering sex more, not being as pushy about spending time with him, being more quiet, letting him decide what they did on dates, not talking as much about his job, not depending on him as much when he was stressed, not crying in front of him when he was overwhelmed. He’d tried. He’d tried so many things.

The problem was Logan. Or at least Logan before.

What Logan hated most in life was change and he’d clearly gotten used to how Patton naturally acted over the years. Thus, he kept getting distressed when Patton tried to change something.

When Patton avoided his apartment for over a week, he’d asked if Patton was mad at him and then since Patton had that Saturday off, he’d managed to cajole Patton into spending all day in Logan’s bed napping and cuddling.

The not pushing him to care for himself had only lasted a few hours. Patton knew it had to be annoying, but he couldn’t stop himself from reminding him to eat breakfast and Logan hadn’t seemed mad when he’d started back up. He’d even brushed a kiss across his cheek when Patton handed him a plate of bacon and breakfast potatoes.

He seemed to be able to tell when Patton wanted to have sex with a startling amount of pinpoint accuracy, like he had Patton down to a science. When Patton wanted it, but didn’t start something, he initiated it himself and he looked at him with abject confusion when Patton tried something when he didn’t want it.

He showed up to the hospital to take Patton to lunch in the cafeteria when he didn’t mention meeting up for lunch because he assumed the reason was that Patton was too busy that day. He pushed when Patton didn’t speak much, citing that he was worried something was wrong and he insisted on his input on dates before he’d move forward with any plans.

Patton had kept quiet about his job for three days before Logan had gone and talked to Remy behind his back to ask if something was wrong at work. Under pressure from both of them, he’d spewed out the buildup of stress all over the place. And it was so hard. It was so hard not to cry about it when Logan pressed soft kisses to his cheeks and temples and asked him if he was okay.

But now Logan wasn’t used to Patton and wasn’t set into patterns that he probably didn’t actually like, but just allowed because he wanted to be nice to Patton and was used to it. The problems with Patton were becoming apparent every time Logan side eyed him.

Patton had been hoping that maybe he could figure out from this version what parts of Patton he really did not like. Then Patton could hold more firm about getting rid of those things once Logan got his memories back. He’d definitely appreciate it after an adjustment period. That is if Logan even wanted him after this. He hoped he’d at least give Patton a chance to fix himself.

Patton was good at pretending. He knew how to cut pieces of himself off to get people to love him back. He’d had a lot of practiced. Make sure to do your homework at the dinner table at mom’s house so she knows you’re not being lazy. Cook when you’re at dad’s house so dinner is ready when he gets home from work, but make sure you’ve cleaned up by the time he gets home, so he doesn’t see you cooking. Don’t let grandma cook potatoes; she doesn’t like them and will blame you for them being on the dinner table. Never turn on the television at mom’s house; it rots the brain. Make sure the television is on the sports channel by the time dad gets home. Don’t touch grandma’s remote no matter how loud the volume is. Sit up straight for mom. Don’t cry in front of dad. Be quiet for grandma. Pretend dad doesn’t exist for mom. Call dad’s new girlfriend mom. Don’t try to correct grandma when she calls you by your dead grandfather’s name. Get good grades. Get into a good college. Get a job that pays well. Don’t complain. Don’t get in trouble. Don’t be gay.

Patton knew how to do it all. Logan had never asked it of him. Never, not once had he told Patton that he needed to fix himself or that he had to change for him; he deserved it more than any of them.

“We’ve talked a lot about me,” Logan said surprising Patton out of his churning thoughts especially since he had barely spoken all day. “but what about you?” he asked. “Tell me more about you. Tell me about our relationship. Why do you want to be with me or at least the me with my memories?”

“I…” Patton started. “There are a lot of reasons.”

“Then tell me one.”

Patton bit his lower lip. “You read my papers.”

“Your papers?”

“I’ve written a few research papers and you looked them up and read them and tried to understand them because you wanted to be able to talk to me about something I was interested in. That was the first time in my life that someone looked at me and it felt like they actually wanted to know me. And you kept doing things like that. You remember my coffee order and bring my favorite sandwich to the ER even when you know I’m in surgery and I can’t be there to see you so you just leave it with someone else to give it to me when I’m done. You eat the stupid cafeteria food at the hospital when I only have time for a 30-minute lunch just to spend time with me and after the first time we had sex, you got up early and cooked me an omelet because you didn’t know how to cook anything else. You try to find ways to help me feel better when I’m upset even though it doesn’t come naturally to you and you’re willing to throw popcorn in my mouth from across the room with your powers just because I ask even though you think it’s silly. You once took me on a picnic to a park 5 hours away because I mentioned how much I loved it when a group of us went there on a retreat during medical school even though you don’t like eating outside because of the bugs. And you didn’t even complain… well, I mean, you did complain, but only enough to make me laugh, not so I thought you really resented being there with me. When we go to parties and I say I want to go home, you pretend to get a migraine so we can leave early and sometimes we end up having sex in the car outside. And even though you complain about how annoying you think Remy is, you know he’s my friend so you still make a point to make an effort with him and hang out with him even when I’m not there. So…” he swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You really love me,” he stated, eyes intent on him and unreadable.

“Every part of me loves you Logan,” Patton said, gripping the soft blanket in his fingers. “You can have whatever pieces you want.”

“Whatever pieces?” he echoed.

Patton forgot for a moment that the man in front of him did not have context, that he didn’t and couldn’t understand what Patton was asking. “Look,” he said. “I know there is something wrong with me. I know there are parts of me that annoy you or make you angry, but if you just tell me what they are I’ll change them.”

“You think I don’t like all of you?” Logan asked.

“Clearly not!” Patton said, standing up suddenly and throwing the blanket off onto the ground. He paused and took a breath, forcing his tone to be calm and clinical, like he did when he got too emotional at work. “Look at this,” he gestured to the piles of files in front of him: blue, green, and red. “This is everything from your personal files to your work files to the files for your alter ego, but where am I? You have the receipt from the first fast food order you bought with your credit card, the invitation from your five-year high school reunion that you didn’t even go to, and your sixth-grade report card. But there is nothing in here about me. Not really. I am not important enough for you to keep. But I can be if you just tell me how. I can be whatever makes you happy. If you love me at all, I will rip myself apart until I’m what you need.”

Logan looked him directly in the eyes. “If I love you, I don’t want that.”

Patton blew up. “Then what do you want, Logan?!” He snapped his mouth closed and looked away, tears that had been building since Logan had lost his memory, since Patton’s marriage proposal had been rejected, since his mom had first called him stupid because he’d gotten a B on a math test in the 5th grade, springing to his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he swallowed and stood, a picture of calm. “It has been a stressful couple of days,” he said, flicking a tear off his cheek. “I think I need to go back to my place and rest for a while. I’ll come back tomorrow morning and we can… I don’t know, try aromatherapy or something.”

Before Logan could say anything more, Patton beat a hasty retreat.

Want to read more? Click below!

Part 13

[yupuffin]

Why I love Nezumi

I’ve now had a week or two to digest the tail end of Juuni Taisen, and I have another week or two ahead until I watch it again (actually for the third time) when Funimation releases the dub, and of course Juuni Taisen is all that has been on my mind since then. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head so it might help to write them down into a slightly more coherent mess.

Spoilers ahead! I recommend you finish the whole anime before proceeding!

(also just a quick warning this is a lOT LONGER THAN I INITIALLY INTENDED ;7;)

The vast majority of the time, when I watch an anime or read a manga, I will have one favorite character out of everyone, who I quickly latch onto visibly more than the rest. It’s not always easy to tell who will become my favorite when I start a new series. Especially not with the storytelling in Juuni Taisen, in which we barely get exposed to a character until they get one episode of “me” time and then promptly die. A few episodes in, I thought Dog was cool, Ox was cool, and Rat was okay (if only because I still have some mad respect for rats after watching/reading No. 6 a few times).

I semi-jokingly pondered to myself a few times that the only character I’d really get attached to was the one who got the most screen time and thereby won the Zodiac War -- in other words, the only one who didn’t die. Obviously, that’s what happened, although for additional reasons I hadn’t initially anticipated.

A few days after I finished the anime, I said to myself, “I was prepared for 99 things, but that ending was not one of them.”

By the time I started episode 11 for the first time, I hadn’t gotten full-on attached to Nezumi yet, beyond thinking he was kind of a neat character (mostly due to him surviving this long). But then, that STORYTELLING.

At the end of high school, I wrote an essay on another anime (Free! for anyone who’s curious) about the “hesitation effect,” a device used in writing to indicate a surreal, dreamlike and uncertain state. Put shortly, writers employ the hesitation effect via ambiguity and situations that are only just strange or unrealistic enough to make the reader stop and consider for a moment that maybe what’s happening isn’t 100% reality after all (hence the name).

Duodecuple launches into “Will you stay for an interview?” mode. Nezumi refuses, quietly gets up and heads for the elevator. In the middle of the descent, the elevator malfunctions, and Nezumi plunges to his death.

But then... it REWINDS! We’re back at Duodecuple going “Will you stay for an interview?,” followed by Nezumi refusing, quietly getting up and heading for an elevator - exactly as before. This time, foreseeing the elevator accident, Nezumi takes the stairs, only to be shoved from behind, (apparently) plunging to his death (again).

But then... it REWINDS! Again!

After enough iterations, I’m getting really sick of Duodecuple asking for an interview in the exact same tone, and it’s starting to give me a seriously creepy feeling. Moreover, watching Nezumi die several times in different, gruesome ways is far from pleasant. I’m laughing, but not because it’s funny - it’s that confused laugh that you get when a situation is really tense and strange and you want to dispel the pungent aura of anxiety from the air. I have no idea what’s going on, but what is certain is that this anime is making me feel exactly what it wanted me to feel.

Finally we get to Nezumi explaining how his special ability, “The Hundred Paths of Nezumi-san” (or “Hundred Click,” its Japanese name), allows him to read one hundred different outcomes of a situation and make his choice accordingly.

A few different lightbulbs go off in my brain at once. First is the satisfying “click” of the link bto the repeated death sequences. But perhaps more appealing is the second lightbulb moment. I’m brought back to one a quote from my favorite manga, Wild Adapter, written and illustrated by a genius named Kazuya Minekura. It goes something like: “There’s no point in regret -- no point in wanting to turn back time -- because there’s no guarantee that any choice is the right one.”

The genius of art is that two very different pieces can express the exact same notion. In this case, the two situations are opposite: as for Nezumi, he can find out exactly which choice is the right one, idealizing any situation to avoid regrets (supposedly!!). In the case of Wild Adapter, the character who thinks this quote went down a less-than-ideal path in life and ends up in a bit of trouble, but decides to think positively anyway precisely because he does not have Nezumi’s foresight ability to tell him “if I had made this choice differently a little while back, this is where my life would be right now.”

As Nezumi mentions later, there are some situations you could do-over one hundred times and still not have them work out. Things like that are just out of your control. Even if you think you slipped up somewhere, there’s no telling for sure that doing something different would have helped you come out the other side any better off. Regret can only do so much, so in a lot of cases it’s better to live without it.

That was just episode 11. That had me thinking hard for a long time. Fortunately, I was late enough for the hype train only had to wait a couple days for the final episode.

Knowing Nezumi was charged with coming up with one ideal wish out of one hundred possibilities, I started wracking my brain for real game-changing wishes that might make sense. Maybe he’d wish the Juuni Taisen would never occur again? Perhaps he’d wish away his special ability so he didn’t have to use a ton of effort just to overthink everything?

Most of the final episode was an anticipatory buildup. It was nice -- even a bit emotionally disarming -- to see all of the previous characters again, getting reminded why they existed and what they brought to the series. By the moment Nezumi was considering a hundred different wishes simultaneously, I was a nervous wreck. You’re totally overthinking this! I inwardly shouted at the screen. Just pick something! (My mindset is, if there’s so many good potential wishes, there isn’t really a “wrong” choice!)

Nezumi faced Duodecuple. “I’ve decided.”

I was leaning forward in my seat, staring almost accusingly at Nezumi as though doing so would make time move faster.

“Just let me forget.”

Feeling my tension evaporate, leaving behind an aching hollow feeling, I sat back down, essentially crouching in my seat. “Okay.”

As the episode drew to a close, I was feeling two very opposite feelings. One half of me was delighted, relieved, and felt like doing a happy dance because Nezumi was finally free of his trauma. The other half was grieving and wanted to turn off my computer and just have a good cry. Of course, the two of them conflicting and at a stalemate, I just sat there and stared at the wall for a while.

I was sad because such a simple wish felt very anticlimactic. If Nezumi forgot that the entire Juuni Taisen ever happened, then what was the point to the entire anime? Surely there were countless things he could learn from experiencing it, let alone one hundred separate times? Why wish for something dumb like “forget it happened?” Moreover, Nezumi was a level-headed, apathetic character throughout most of the series -- suddenly, in the final minute of the final episode, we have him crying right in front of our faces: a reveal of the unimaginable stress he hadn’t even hinted at until just now. I don’t know about you, but unexpected displays of emotion from serious characters tend to tug at my heartstrings quite a bit.

Which leads to the reason I was happy. Put most simply, it was refreshing and cathartic to see Nezumi finally content at the very end of the series, still alive, but having forgotten everything he and the reader had invested in the prior twelve episodes.

The thing is, “forget it happened” is far from a dumb wish. Sure, “I want a penguin” is probably a better wish from my standpoint, but when I think back to how anxious I was watching mere second-long clips of Nezumi dying while attempting to escape Duodecuple’s interview, I can’t imagine what Nezumi experienced dying -- probably violently -- ninety-nine other times in the failed Juuni Taisen “routes” and remembering every single one. I didn’t pay much attention when he first said it, but thinking back, his indication that those ninety-nine other deaths are still burned into his memory, even though they never happened, is crucial.

Another quote from Wild Adapter: “Sometimes it’s better not to remember.”

At a convention earlier this year, I gave a lecture-style panel on memory and trauma in the manga Deadman Wonderland. Long story short, my conclusion was the following: remembering traumatic experiences can be downright excruciating. In many cases, there are indeed things you can learn from them, but the question is whether this benefit outweighs the drawback of having to carry those memories with you as long as they last.

From Nezumi’s point of view, I would much rather forget dying 139 (99 plus the other 40) times than remember whatever satisfying tidbits on life I got from the experience.

As much as I would rather Nezumi have an emotional support penguin, forgetting trauma really is the best choice for him. Freed of the burden of overthinking one hundred outcomes of choices that can risk his life or death, he can go back to being a (relatively) normal high school student whose only expectations are to survive society, rather than a brutal war to the death among twelve fighters -- and then just use his ability whenever he thinks is necessary, like asking out a cute girl.

That being said, after all that, I’m sure if one of Nezumi’s top 100 wishes really is to have a girlfriend, or even a best friend, I’m sure there are plenty of members of this fandom -- including me -- who would be willing to oblige.

[ukesonfire]

have i done this before?

i’ve written a bunch of songs since my freshman year of high school. recently, i went through them and gave them all new titles. BOY CONTEXT:

boy #1- a brit i met at a summer camp

boy #2- my high school muse

boy #3- an individual i crushed on in middle school, ended up as close friends

boy #4- someone who i became close with on a musical level

boy #5- a mess that friends tried to set me up with

boy #6- my longtime high school crush

boy #7- he had feelings, i didn’t

“gee I wonder what this rock opera is all about” *the lead character dies at the end* “so like hamilton but more angsty and emo got it”

pseudo-mary sue has tragic backstory. now with big fancy guns!

and in the blink of an eye, [boy #1] disappeared back into USA 2.0: universal healthcare edition. ukesonfire still maintains feelings

that time when my cousin educated me about “deep emo lyric writing”

my sister writes a verse and a chorus with actual real emotions. instructions unclear, song isn't dark enough for ukesonfire

pseudo-mary sue had a little bit of time where people weren't trying to kill her. it's up to The Real mary sue (ukesonfire) to save the day (for some reason??)!

ukesonfire writes a dark fucking monologue and then bases a song off of it because that's a Great Idea (TM)

pseudo-mary sue dies, as the title track suggested. Real Mary Sue is forlorn and seeks answers.

ukesonfire is angsty because she's not emo enough and how she regrets being a poser prep two years prior

seriously how many times does pseudo-mary sue get accosted by fucking demon stalkers??

a lot of big words thrown together between over-processed guitars

bdsm stage version of hamlet induces intense feelings of loneliness, alternate universes, and cristofori's dream

post concert feelings strummed out on a new ukulele in an empty band room

I recently read 1984 and I hate the government!: starter pack

ukesonfire gets angsty … feat. somewhat intermediate Spanish (TM)

remember that time ukesonfire almost decided to transfer to [nearby catholic school]?

ukesonfire gets emotional about [boy #2] while she's at camp, part 1

ukesonfire gets emotional about [boy #2] and is convinced that she has an unspecified mental illness that only his affection can cure while she's at camp, part 2

is this about ukesonfire's personal life or is she lowkey shading summer camp divas? tune in next week

honestly don't remember the original meaning behind this one but the second verse sorta came true so who's the real mvp here

the piece that time (and ukesonfire) genuinely forgot

ukesonfire has feelings … in [native language] (R)

ukesonfire is super judgemental and has never actually inhaled a marijuana

ukesonfire gets reminiscent in [native language] and also listened to The Eagles a lot for some reason

ukesonfire has a brief moment of self reflection and a really fucking catchy riff

writing songs about secret agents are dark and mysterious, also very historical

the one where mama just doesn't understand that I am an independent 16 year old dammit

no one writes songs about october that aren't about halloween! also I recently downloaded the decemberists' entire discography!

ukesonfire tries to write something sappy and uplifting. she fails

junior year is a mess and also ukesonfire has conveniently placed herself in a black void trash can For Fun (C)

decent lyrics are fucked over with pitiful attempts at trying to sing better scat lyrics

ripping off a moderately famous [native country] band's song, but it's ok if the meaning is completely different and also in spanish!

ukesonfire believes she can save the world by hiding from everyone and discovers the truth about everything but decides not to tell anyone because trust no bitch amirite

3oh!3 inspired chord changes, dismal lyrics, intended for edm probably

lol I can't focus for shit also let's have a loose understanding of this mental illness and make fun of it

forgotten lyrics in an english binder, now rewritten to include [boy #3] because ukesonfire hasn't written a song about him yet (long after that one time she crushed on him hard, lol remember that??)

ukesonfire has feelings about friends that she'll never see or connect with again

ukesonfire is convinced that she's going to die young, better write a indie will (half insp. by the band perry)

thinly veiled metaphors for self reflection and turning points in life are thinly veiled. meredith monk secretly had something to do with this

ukesonfire tries to write rap. it does not end well

subtweeting [boy #4]. mostly in the last part. the second half of the last part.

Based On A True Story But With A Fictitious Plot And A Generously Inserted Mary Sue (also it's kinda about mama)

title character backstory, because it has to be Flawless and Epic

ukesonfire is still a huge judgemental asshole, apology and all

ukesonfire takes heavy inspiration from contemporary choral music and turns it into a romance

ukesonfire gets drunk and listens to some neon trees and strings some words together and then [boy #5] thinks it's the most magical thing he's ever seen

let's throw every nifty choral element ukesonfire's heard in the past two months and jam it into this one, featuring a whitacre-esque ad libitum vocal bit at the end for like four measures

you want a song about [boy #2], [boy #6], [boy #7] and [boy #5] all at once? well here ya go friendo and boy is it loaded with burns, emotions, and excedrin!

let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, but in [native country]

[boy #5] is an asshole so I stole his song and threw some angsty lyrics at the end

weak buildup to an even weaker finale of a 12-minute long epic, but got damn those instrumentals though

very thinly veiled historical fanfiction

maybe this one won't sound like shit at the end ft [boy #5]/[boy #4] feels

[brokennbones-blog1]

The Significance of CSH to Me

CW: depression, angst, general sad stuff Car seat headrest was a welcome entity of validation in my life a little over a year ago. A little bit of change in a world that had become so full of monotony and routine for me. Nothing in the fragmented reality I'd built from the jagged angst of my past felt genuine because I was trying to escape something that would always be an extension of me: depression. During the Summer of 2016 I'd clean viciously throughout the day, busying myself, making up responsibilities that didn't truly exist after the first time they were completed; then I'd go out and eat with a group of people that were friends with me for the same reason I was friends with them: it was a transitional period and we didn't have anywhere permanent to go. This was the first time I had more than one or two friends (and for reasons untold here I had lost the only one I'd had for years), and this was the first time I felt I had to blend in and be "normal" (whatever I thought that was). Nothing we talked about was real. We were all so "happy" together, in the least happy sense. It was all jokes and smiles. We were only entertainment for each other. Only when we retired at night would we slump into our beds, head in hands, questioning the overlapping theme or lesson that came with all of this latency (AP language and composition could never prepare us for this). My depression only existed when I was isolated. Theirs only existed when they were alone. We were all on the same page to a fault. It was pure avoidance, a buildup, a calm silence before the shattering breaking point. At this period in the beginning of the summer, I was searching for experience in any way I could find it. I wanted to do something different, chase the feeling of accomplishment; the kind you felt after a breathtaking adventure. I hung out with a friend of mine down in Milwaukee, and it was my first time driving there. It was truly a blast despite my constant thrumming nervousness; I'll admit I was free the entire time, and channeling the excitement of the city felt electrifying, like a steady buzz beneath my skin. Afterwards, we shared our music. She gave me a playlist that I promptly bathed myself in as I got home. I remember feeling nothing, laying in bed, stretched like a lazy cat, staring at the stark, blank ceiling, and listening with a dull, emotionless outlook. The beginning of "Cosmic Hero" meant nothing to me at first; it came and went like a chapter in a textbook. Then, a sudden transition into clear, melodic guitar, and the crooning voice of Will Toledo caught my ear. Over and over he sang "it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be alright, it'll be alright..." and as melodramatic and cliche-emotional as this sounds, as soon as I heard this repetitive, raw, beautiful, reassurance a sudden overwhelming swell of all the emotions I'd been repressing so well exploded within me. Like a pressure bomb I burst into tears and cried openly for the first time in what seemed like ages. I let the tears roll down my cheeks freely, and listened to the song again, and again, and again, each time finding new sections which brought forth emotions I wasn't sure I remembered how to feel just minutes before. The song was the perfect validation for my feelings of anger and hopelessness. I listened only to that song for about a week: over, and over, and over. I bought Spotify premium just so I could listen only to that song. I longed to feel so bad. Then, in a lull in which I forgot to start the song over, "The Ballad of the Costa Concordia" came on at some point. This time, the beginning immediately caught my acute attention, ears perked and ready. The entire time I listened to the lyrics intently, and once again, felt the emotions pouring back in, as if rain into a gulley after a long drought. For the next week, I listened to the two back to back on repeat. Looking back, I realize that's a bit strange. Wouldn't listening to the same songs on repeat only contribute to the monotony? But when you've got depression, sometimes you have to take what you can get. If music was going to free me from the nearly year-long rut of repression I'd been in, then so be it. I don't know at which point I finally started listening to the other albums of Car Seat Headrest, but it was a slow and engaging process. I invested my entire soul into listening to these compositions and absorbing all the meaning I could from them like a leech. Once my senior year started, every day before school's "0-hour", 6 AM gym class I'd listen to a Twin Fantasy song or two, crying the whole way like a complete reckless pussy (it was 5:30 AM, give me a break). Then I'd jog for up to 20 minutes, depending on what the teacher said, forgetting myself in the music, not even feeling within the realm of physical exertion (no, for real, to this day I no idea how I jogged for as long and hard as I did). Then I'd drive back and forth from the park with the best Pokémon (RIP Lake Park Pokémon go) and my house, over-analyzing the beautiful harmonies and melodies within Teens of Style. It was obsessive, and weird, but it got me through whatever the fuck I was in. Since then I've expanded my music library back to a substantial size, but I always go back to car seat headrest (and more than just three albums now), and as I've grown Will's voice has always stuck with me. Through every up and down there's a song I can relate to, and I can't help but feel deeply grateful and connected to the band even though they've seen me maybe once in the crowd at Summerfest. Seeing them live and playing right in front of me felt akin to some sort of home. It opened up even more feelings in me, that I instinctively want to chase, but can't. It simply doesn't work out that way. I can't always be in the presence of my favorite band, that's really creepy. So I continue to expand, and find things that make me happy or validate my sadness, and I try to release myself from the dark entity of depression that has ridden on my back for years. I know it'll always be there, but so will music, and so will car seat headrest, and for now, I'll count it as a win.

[siliconwebx]

Why Being Resilient is Essential to Success

The day my boyfriend moved his furniture out, a week after I’d ended our six-year relationship, my Mom called as I was curled up on my temporary makeshift couch of two oversized pillows pushed together. “I’m okay,” I said. “Oh, I know you’re okay,” she replied. “You’re strong as steel.”

Steel. I love that word. It’s a noun, of course, but it’s also a verb: to steel oneself, to mentally prepare for a difficulty that’s coming. Life is hard. Steel is harder.

There’s a storm before every calm. We’ve all faced one and will face more. You will not escape it. Some of us are probably in the middle of one right now.

Flailing and complaining, worrying and unraveling – these reactions don’t help us. They’re natural and honest, and they deserve acknowledgment, but the next steps are release, acceptance and bracing for impact.

Success isn’t found in the breakdown. It’s in the buildup.

We Need Resilience in Small Doses, Too

Resilience isn’t required for just the big things. Anyone who freelances, runs a business or is striving to level up in their career – or who has a newborn, is healing from an injury or is going through a divorce – knows that it takes bite-sized resilience multiple times a day. I’d argue that it’s more difficult to stay strong in little moments than in big ones. When life-or-death isn’t the conundrum, it’s much easier to buckle under lesser pressures, especially as they build up.

Rock Bottom Doesn’t Have to Be the Springboard

When the worst has happened, either by fate or your own fault, the way up is obvious because it’s the only way. You can be resilient before you stretch that rubber band that is your life as far as it’ll go, though. In so many situations, you have the ability to stop, shift and change the outcome; to improve your day now instead of waiting for tomorrow; to foresee bigger problems ahead and start making repairs now to avoid them.

Mister Rogers has a song called, “What Do You Do With the Mad That You Feel?” and even though it’s to help children make better decisions when they’re angry, it’s applicable to adults, too – because let’s be honest, we can all turn into toddlers when we don’t get our way. Here’s the best line: “It’s great to be able to stop when you’ve planned a thing that’s wrong, and be able to do something else instead.” Whether the difficulty you’re facing is within your control or outside of it, you can choose how you’ll recover.

(Have you see the Mister Rogers documentary? Watch it. Be prepared to cry.)

Maybe It’s a Good Time to Bail

When I was in high school, there were these two cousins who wanted to beat me up, tough, mean girls who wouldn’t have hesitated to punch me right in the face. They told me to meet them down in the parking lot after school. All day long, people came up to me to ask what I was going to do. I just shrugged, unflustered – “I’m not going to go down to the parking lot.” I left at 3 p.m., walked to my after-school job and nobody ever clucked another word about it.

We’re always bouncing back from something. Sometimes you have the luxury to choose what you want to cope with. I didn’t have to learn how to be resilient after getting a black eye. Instead, I bounced back from a scary threat and school-wide speculation, which taught me an entirely different – and more worthwhile – lesson.

Get real with yourself. What’s required here? What do you want to deal with? What are you even capable of dealing with? Is there a better, smarter choice with positive, long-lasting impact?

Life doesn’t reward you for taking the harder, tougher route for toughness’ sake alone. Your choices should make you a stronger person.

5 Ways to Be More Resilient

Assuming you can’t bail right now, here’s how to become more resilient, both in the moment and in daily life – think of it as your resiliency training.

1. Ignore the finish line. Believe in your abilities.

Few things turn out the way we envision them. A lot of the time, they end up way better than we could have pictured. Or way worse.

Goals are necessary so there’s something to strive for, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll know exactly how a situation is going to turn out. (I dive into this some more in my article about the illusion of control.)

Personally, the best things in my life have come from two ideas working simultaneously: (1) utter acceptance that I have no idea what the future will look like and (2) complete and total faith in my abilities. Sometimes my ability is as abstract as making good decisions and leading myself in the right direction, and sometimes it’s a lot more tangible, like being able to write well and provide good customer service to my clients.

The point here is that if you’re more confident in your capability than hung up on the outcome, you’ll have an easier time bouncing back because you’ll be relying on the most trustworthy person in your life: yourself.

2. Gamify it.

Right now, you can’t do the last thing – you can’t solve the entire problem – but you can do the next best thing. Sometimes that’s super hard, like the time I hiked Giant Mountain, fell three times, hurt my knee and realized I didn’t bring my headlamp as the sun was setting (or the right boots or enough water). Or like when climber Joe Simpson shattered the Hell out of his leg at 19,000 feet – spoiler alert, he survived and then wrote Touching the Void about the experience, which I recommend you read.

Joe and I both gamified the experience. He created a pattern of movements to use for each step; I got up and down that mountain in 100-step groups. I’m sure we both cried, but we also both lived to tell the tale.

The point isn’t necessarily to make the situation fun but to make it bearable, to keep the mind distracted and focus on one crisis at a time. If you’re not in something as threatening and unforgiving as the wilderness, you can even give yourself small treats as you reach mini-goals.

3. Manage your impulses.

If you’re generally an impulsive person in life, you’re going to be an impulsive person under stress – possibly more impulsive and with worse consequences. Staying calm and making rational decisions can help you be more resilient because you won’t make a situation worse before it can get better.

Since most days you’re going to deal with minor problems and not major ones, get used to acting less impulsively. Don’t make decisions out of pure frustration or even pure excitement – think them through first. Write a pros and cons list if you need to. Or see what happens if you make no decision right now and give yourself plenty of time to sit on it.

4. Move through the stages of grief quickly.

There are seven stages of grief:

Shock: Paralysis when facing the situation.

Denial: Avoiding the inevitable.

Anger: Bottled-up emotion and frustration pour out.

Bargaining: Trying to find a way out of the situation (but not in a healthy or productive way).

Depression: Realizing the inevitable is…inevitable, and being upset about that.

Testing: Looking for realistic solutions to the problem.

Acceptance: Finding a way to move forward.

People who are resilient move from the shock stage to the testing and acceptance stages quickly. They may even skip some of the stages in between, especially if they’ve faced the same difficulty in the past. Laurence Gonzales writes about this in Deep Survival (great book, BTW): “The best survivors spend almost no time, especially in emergencies, getting upset about what has been lost, or feeling distressed about things going badly.”

Forcing your way through the stages of grief takes a lot of willpower, especially because the middle stages are so tempting to sink into. Getting it all out can help, whether that’s out loud to someone you know or down on paper. If you need to, write out the different stages and how you’ve experienced them. Then start listing those solutions.

You can definitely practice this in everyday life. When something small-but-totally-annoying happens, force yourself to skip over the “I’m so upset about this” stages. Go right to solving the problem. The next time you spill an entire carton of orange juice on your kitchen floor, start cleaning it up without hesitating. If you forgot to buy something at the store, put your sneakers on and head back out before you can beat yourself up over it. If you get a splinter, gather the rubbing alcohol and the tweezers and get that sucker out. Just get it done.

5. Learn from others.

“Others have been through it too” isn’t comforting for everyone, but it’s always been comforting for me, especially when I can tie my experience to that of a specific person, not just the general public. We’re all unique butterflies, but honestly, one person’s heartbreak or firing from work or fight with a family member is a billion other people’s, too. Knowing that others came before, labored through and walked out the other end healed, employed or on speaking terms is supremely hopeful. Pardon my penchant for sappy stories, but this quote from P.S. I Love You pinballs in my head whenever I feel alone in disappointment or sadness: “Thing to remember is if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too.”

In practice, this can mean telling people about what you’re going through – you’ll hear similar stories in return. I’m not a “spill your heart out” person usually, so my solution has always been to pick up a book or read a magazine article about how Joe Famous Person faced something horrible and got through it. And if you really need a jolt of “everyone’s been here,” listen to Nate Berkus’ interview called “Surviving the Storm” on the SuperSoul Conversations podcast.

On the same note, this is a perfect time to give back. Helping others can give you a fix of “my life isn’t so bad,” or just shake you out of whatever slump you’re in. If you get a confidence boost from being selfless, I give you permission to enjoy that – it’s not selfish to feel good about yourself.

Wrapping Up

If you’re not a person who can handle daily life and all its teeny struggles, you’re going to have a difficult time moving through those stages of grief in order to help yourself when the you-know-what really hits the fan. Your habits and the way you handle your emotions on a normal day are the training and preparation you need to be truly resilient when you need it most. Get used to helping yourself in small ways so that it’ll be second nature when serious drama or trauma blows through.

Excited about being less impulsive and more cool, calm and collected? Check out this article about how responding instead of reacting can improve your business relationships.

The post Why Being Resilient is Essential to Success appeared first on Elegant Themes Blog.

😉SiliconWebX | 🌐ElegantThemes