#bnai talks

[transmascpetewentz]

Also sending in some positivity! Made two new friends at shul tonight and they invited me to get pizza after services and then we chatted til like 11pm at their apartment 🤩 we talked about current events, klezmer punk, yiddish, our bnai mitzvahs and torah portions, and queer stuff

!!!!!

[oseh-shalom]

Went to a weekday morning minyan for the first time today and really enjoyed it! My home shul is pretty small, so we don’t have weekday services-- only Shabbat & holidays. I generally prefer davening at home during the week anyway due to my work schedule, so that’s totally fine with me. (Plus my shul is 30-45 mins away, depending on traffic.) But now that I’ve moved closer to the ~big city~ near me, I have several larger shuls within a 15-20 min drive. So I’d been meaning to try out a weekday service since it’s more accessible now. 

Anyways, I’m really glad I went! I was so anxious (for absolutely no reason!) that I circled the parking lot 3 times before I forced myself to go inside, lol. But everyone was super nice and welcoming. We didn’t quite make a minyan (it’s a holiday weekend and there was no religious school, which cut down on the regulars that normally come), but it was still great to daven with other Jews. If my work schedule/ energy levels allowed for it, I think I’d regularly join a minyan during the rest of the week as well. But if nothing else, I’d like to start making a habit of it on Sundays when I’m off work.

Also, I think I’m still learning the balance between casually chatting with new acquaintances and telling them my entire life story, lol-- specifically when it comes to telling people I converted. Though, this might be a situation where Jumblr has influenced what I think is normal. Lots of folks on here seem to think you should never tell people that you converted because it’s nobody’s business. And while I think there’s some truth to that... idk. Today, I was talking with a couple of guys after services, and they were curious if I grew up nearby (this city has a sizeable Jewish population, so the “Which Shul Did You Grow Up At” conversation is well-loved by locals), if I go to one of the local synagogues, how I learned to read Hebrew, etc.... and so much of that is impossible to answer truthfully without mentioning my conversion process. Sure, I could be evasive and say I didn’t grow up in an observant household, that I began connecting with Judaism after college and learned Hebrew during my adult bnai mitzvah classes... but at a certain point, I’d be spending so much energy avoiding the elephant in the room that it prevents me from fully relaxing and connecting with others. My conversion status isn’t something I want to advertise, but frankly I don’t see any reason to conceal it from people who are genuinely interested in my life and just wanting to connect. Idk... just something I’ve been thinking about recently!

[fantasticallyfruity4]

The party celebrating life events is so special to me.

Bnai mitzvah, weddings, graduations. I just.

I can talk for hours.

[eriong]

stellar’s discography is top tier u can stan them for something other than sympathy u know

[benevolentbirdgal]

“Thirteen″ Tips for Writing About Synagogues / Jewish Writing Advice / Advice for Visiting Synagogues

So your story includes a Jew (or two) and you’ve a got a scene in a synagogue. Maybe there’s a bar mitzvah, maybe your gentile protagonist is visiting their partner’s synagogue. Maybe there’s a wedding or a community meeting being held there. For whatever reason, you want a scene in a shul. I’m here as your friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional to help you not sound like a gentile who thinks a synagogue is just a church with a Star of David instead of a cross. 

Quick note: The are lots of synagogues around the world, with different specific cultural, local, and denominational practices. The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well. I’m also writing from the view of Before Times when gatherings and food and human contact was okay.

Bear in mind as well, in this discussion, the sliding scale of traditional observance to secular/liberal observance in modern denominations: Ultraorthodox (strict tradition), Modern Orthodox (Jewish law matters but we live in a modern world), Conservative (no relation to conservative politics, brands itself middle ground Judaism), Reconstructionist (start with Jewish law and then drop/add bits to choose your own adventure), and Reform (true build your own adventure, start at basically zero and incorporate only as you actively choose).

Synagogue = shul = temple. Mikvah (ritual bath) is its own thing and usually not attached to the shul. Jewish cemeteries are also typically nowhere near the shul, because dead bodies are considered impure.   

A Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah is the Jewish coming of age ceremony. Bar (“son”) for boys at 13+, Bat (“daughter”) at 12+, and Bnai (“children”) for multiples (i.e. twins/triplets/siblings) or non-binary kids (although the use of the phrase “Bnai Mitzvah” this way is pretty new). 12/13 is the minimum, 12-14 the norm but very Reform will sometimes allow 11 and anybody above 12/13 can have theirs. Probably a dedicated post for another time. Generally, however, the following will happen: the kid will lead some parts of services, read from and/or carry the Torah, and make a couple of speeches. 

Attire: think Sunday Best (in this case Saturday), not come as you are. Even at very liberal reconstructionist/reform synagogues you wouldn’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt or work overalls. Unless they are seriously disconnected from their culture, your Jewish character is not coming to Saturday morning services in sneakers and jeans (their gentile guest, however, might come too casual and that’d be awkward).  1a. The more traditional the denomination, the more modest the attire. Outside of orthodoxy woman may wear pants, but dresses/skirts are more common. Tights for anything above knee common for Conservative/Reform/Recon, common for even below knee for orthodox shuls. Men will typically be wearing suits or close to it, except in very Reform spaces.  1b. Really, think business casual or nice dinner is the level of dressiness here for regular services. Some minor holidays or smaller events more casual is fine. Social events and classes casual is fine too.  1c. Even in reform synagogues, modesty is a thing. Get to the knee or close to it. No shoulders (this an obsession in many Jewish religious spaces for whatever reason), midriffs, or excessive cleavage (as I imagine to be the norm in most houses of worship). 

Gendered clothing:  3a. Men and boys wear kippahs (alt kippot, yarmulkes) in synagogues, regardless of whether they’re Jewish or not out of respect to the space. Outside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew” but inside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew or a gentile dude who respects the Jewish space.”  Outside of very Reform shuls, it’s a major faux pass to be a dude not wearing one.  3b. There are little buckets of loaner kippahs if you don’t bring your own and commemorative kippahs are given away at events (bar mitzvah, weddings). Your Jewish dude character not bringing or grabbing one is basically shouting “I’m new here.”  3c. Women are permitted to wear kippahs, but the adoption of a the traditionally masculine accessory will likely be interpreted by other Jews as LGBTQ+ presentation, intense feminism, and/or intense but nontraditional devoutness. Nobody will clutch their pearls (outside of ultraorthodoxy) but your character is sending a message.  3d. Tefillin are leather boxes and wrappings with prayers inside them that some Jewish men wrap around their arms (no under bar mitzvah or gentiles). Like with the kippah, a woman doing this is sending a message of feminism and/or nontraditional religious fervor.  3e. Additionally, prayer shawls, known as tallit, are encouraged/lightly expected of Jewish males (over 13) but not as much as Kippahs are. It is more common to have a personal set of tallit than tefillin. Blue and white is traditional, but they come in all sorts of fun colors and patterns now. Mine is purple and pink. It is much more common for women to have tallit and carries much fewer implications about their relationship to Judaism than wearing a kippah does.  3f. Married woman usually cover their hair in synagogues. Orthodox women will have wigs or full hair covers, but most Jewish woman will put a token scarf or doily on their head in the synagogue that doesn’t actually cover their hair. The shul will also have a doily loaner bucket. 

Jewish services are long (like 3-4 hours on a Saturday morning), but most people don’t get there until about the 1-1.5 hour mark. Your disconnected Jewish character or their gentile partner might not know that though. 

Although an active and traditional synagogue will have brief prayers three times every day, Torah services thrice a week, holiday programming, and weekly Friday night and Saturday morning services, the latter is the thing your Jewish character is most likely attending on the reg. A typical Saturday morning service will start with Shacharit (morning prayers) at 8:30-9, your genre savvy not-rabbi not-Bnai mitzvah kid Jewish character will get there around 9:30-10:15. 10:15-10:30 is the Torah service, which is followed by additional prayers. Depending on the day of the Jewish year (holidays, first day of new month, special shabbats), they’ll be done by 12:30 or 1 p.m. Usually.  After that is the oneg, a communal meal. Onegs start with wine and challah, and commence with a full meal. No waiting 4-8 hours to have a covered-dish supper after services. The oneg, outside of very, very, very Reform spaces will be kosher meat or kosher dairy. 

To conduct certain prayers (including the mourner’s prayers and the Torah service) you need a Minyan, which at least 10 Jewish “adults” must be present, defined as post Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah. In Conservative/Reform/Recon, men and women are counted equally. In Ultraorthodox women are not counted. In Modern Orthodox it depends on the congregation, and some congregations will hold women’s-only services as well with at least ten “adult” Jewish women present.

In Conservative and Orthodox shuls, very little English is used outside of speeches and sermons. Prayers are in Hebrew, which many Jews can read the script of but not understand. Transliterations are also a thing.  In Reform synagogues, there’s heavy reliance on the lingua franca (usually English in American congregations). Reconstructionist really varies, but is generally more Hebrew-based than Reform. 

We’re a very inquisitive people. If your character is new to the synagogue, there will be lots of questions at the post-services oneg (meal, typically brunch/lunch). Are you new in town? Have you been here before? Where did you come from? Are you related to my friend from there? How was parking? Do you know my cousin? Are you single? What is your mother’s name? What do you think of the oneg - was there enough cream cheese? What summer camp did you go to? Can you read Hebrew? Have you joined?  A disconnected Jew or gentile might find it overwhelming, but many connected Jews who are used to it would be like “home sweet chaos” because it’s OUR chaos. 

In Orthodox synagogues, men and women have separate seating sections. There may be a balcony or back section, or there may be a divider known as a mechitzah in the middle. Children under 12/13 are permitted on either side, but over 12/13 folks have to stay one section or the other. Yes, this is a problem/challenge for trans and nonbinary Jews.  Mechitzahs are not a thing outside of orthodoxy. Some older Conservative synagogues will have women’s sections, but no longer expect or enforce this arrangement.   

Money. Is. Not. Handled. On. Shabbat. Or. Holidays. Especially. Not. In. The. Synagogue. Seriously, nothing says “goy writing Jews” more than a collection plate in shul. No money plate, no checks being passed around, even over calls for money (as opposed to just talking about all the great stuff they do and upcoming projects) are tacky and forbidden on Shabbat. Synagogues rely on donations and dues, and will solicit from members, but don’t outright request money on holidays and Shabbat. 

Outside of Reform and very nontraditional Conservative spaces, no instruments on Shabbat or holidays. No clapping either. Same goes for phones, cameras, and other electronics outside of microphones (which aren’t permitted in Orthodox services either).  11a. In the now-times an increasing number of shuls have set up cameras ahead of time pre-programmed to record, so they don’t have to actively “make fire” which is “work” (this is the relevant commandment/mitzvah) on Shabbat, so services can be live-streamed. 11b. After someone has completed an honor (reading from the Torah, carrying the Torah, opening the ark, etc), the appropriate response is a handshake after and the words “Yasher Koach” (again, Before-Times).

Jewish services involve a lot of movement. Get up, sit down. Look behind you, look in front of you. Twist left, twist right. A disconnected Jew or gentile visitor would be best off just trying to follow along with what an exchange student we had once termed “Jewish choreography.” Some prayers are standing prayers (if able), some are sitting prayers. It’s just how it is, although a handful of prayers have variations on who stands. 

[kosher-salt]

I teach at the religious school. The birthday girl came in and when I asked if she wanted a sticker, she pointed to the shiny badge on her shirt (cute tho. our city has good a good police force). Our teensy tiny synogogue only ever has police during high holy day/bnai mitzvah parking to direct traffic.

My 2nd grade class asked me why the police were here. I had nothing to say to them but "it's just for security." I comforted the converting family, and worried for the husband, with ptsd and anxiety. The director asked me if I wanted to talk about it, because it showed on my face. It never shows on my face.

Outside of shul I'm facing constant harassment, refusal for a diagnosis that doctors who were not my own (so in no position to make one) reccomended I pursue, and authorities who will turn on me the moment I'm not convenient.

Fuck this.

[progressivejudaism]

if i convert as an adult will i be considered as a part of minyan even if i havent had a bar/bat mitzvah?

Hi there,

So many great questions tonight! 

Yep- you would be considered a part of a minyan.  The Bnai Mitzvah ceremony is simply a marker to indicate to the community that a child has become an adult in the eyes of the Jewish community.  Most converts have already reached that point in their life and would automatically be considered of age.

Would you like to have a Bar or Bat Mitzvah once converted?  The occasion is marked by the person being called up to the Torah for an aliyah.  You can absolutely have one- just talk to your clergy person.

Why did I write “most converts” above?  That’s because technically, children can have a form of a conversion ceremony prior to they hit the age of Bnai Mitzvah.  In these cases, no Beit Din is required and the child is automatically welcomed into the Jewish community with hatafat dam brit /  brit mila and mikveh.

Have a great night,

PJ

[snowbees]

Not gonna lie I kinda really miss our old temple :/

[optimumonprime]

i love working with bnai mitzvah kids its by far my favorite part of my job

i had two waiting in my office and just heard one of them tell the “oh bro, she has NO chill” like idk who youre talking about my guy but hard same

[daviddeeey-blog]

Had Ana amazing time today talking to 60+ participants at the #kaplanminyan @bnaikeshet Montclair, NJ. Thank you so much for having me! #activistlife #transawareness #pride (at Bnai Keshet, Montclair, NJ)

[eriong]

there are like 2 and a half insomnias on this site

[benevolentbirdgal]

Went to a zoom Bar Mitzvah today / 10 Differences I noticed

This morning I attended a Bar Mitzvah for my little cousin on zoom. It was, um, different. I want to start by saying this is no shade (or sheyds) to my cousin (who read way more Torah than he had to and did a wonderful job) or the shul who is doing their best and being super adaptational during this weird time. 

This was my first zoom mitzvah (I’m saying zoom like we say Band-Aid, it was another platform). I’ve been to at least a hundred and probably closer to 150 total Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvahs across a variety of denominations (everything but Jewish Renewal) in four states and one outside the U.S., but this was my first one watching on livestream as opposed to live. 

First time for everything, I suppose. I should also note that the shul in question is VERY reform to begin with (and has been doing livestream services for a while), and in a warm state. 

1. It was outside under a tent. Again, warm/hot state. The rabbi actually made some jokes and talked about the tents of Moses. I thought this a nice touch-addressing the weirdnesss of the now. It was also a VERY small group in physical attendance.

2. Everyone was masked except for people as they read from the Torah or prayer book, standing like ten feet away from everyone else. For the participatory honors most individuals (or couples) came up and stood away from everyone else to say or read the thing into the microphone. No physical contact with the bar mitzvah boy (other than his parents). 

2a. When my elderly great-aunt and great-uncle read the aliyah blessing for the second aliyah (they’re Levi-em) they had a microphone way away from everyone else and where other people had been unmasked. 

3. Because it was Reform, there were only four aliyot so there weren’t that many people coming up anyways. The only readers were the bar mitzvah and his dad, so very little standing near the rabbi and cantor. Both had personal space when they did their readings, much more than you’d have as a Torah reader in normal times. I’m not sure if my cousin had always planned to read that much Torah or if it was a as-few-people-up-here-as-possible-thing. 

4. No throwing candy. This tradition has become less popular in the last few years anyways, but when his older brothers had theirs 3 and 6 years ago it was a thing and it certainly wasn’t here. 

5. No hand-shaking with yasher koachs. 

6. Fewer people had honors (because fewer physically in attendance). 

7. Kiddo’s dvar Torah included stuff about the pandemic, as did the parent speeches and Rabbi’s speech. 

8. L’Dor V’Dor with the Torah (passing from generation to generation the physical Torah during the service, i.e. grandparent to parent to kid) isn’t a super common tradition anyways, but they did do it from just his parents to him (because his parents were household contacts anyways). 

9. It was definitely more interactive than most I’ve been to. Part of this is because of how very nontraditional the shul is, but also the small size of the service (one of the few they’ve had any in-person component of in months). People kinda had to shout to be heard because masks and distance, but there was a sort of charm to it. 

10.  No oneg.

[eriong]

everyone was soooo ‘omg support the girls :(’ when stellar was still around but not a whisper about youlri’s ‘mamacita’ has appeared on this site

[eriong]

rocket girl was honestly not as bad as ppl make it out to be? sure, it sounds dated NOW but it was pretty on trend for 2011. it’s so catchy, in’t tooo out there while simultaneously being original. 

[eriong]

i think i cried some actual tears when that rearranged version of bad girl good girl started playing

[eriong]

i’m gonna be in lab meeting making a presentation when stephanie’s video drops + when ot23 resonance video drops