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aliengirl-97 · 10 months ago

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bluerayhealing 10h if it's any consolation that at least you had this person you love for 10 years. i would've taken those years with the person i love even if it was abusive. it's 10 years for me since i was with this guy that i fell in love with who would shove me when i didn't want sex and pulled my hair so hard i felt my neck would snap, but he left me and all this time i wish i had been good enough and i wish he would've stayed even if it was abusive, it's better than indifference.

I took a lot of time to digest this message and figure out how to reply to it. Every emotion flickered through my mind.

The short:

A man who abuses you doesnt love you. A man who abuses you is indifferent to your suffering, they just pretend otherwise to keep you around to fulfil the further need they have to abuse and control.

The long:

When I was a teenager, I was extremely unstable - self harm, alcohol use, risky sex behaviour, the works - and very vulnerable to abuse. I met a man online who was there for me, he listened to me, he cared, he assured me my abuse didnt make me unlovable and actually made me better (giant red flag), and I began to see him irl.

I moved in with him after 2 years in my late teens.

Over the course of this relationship, he would hit me, control everything I did - the way I spoke, dressed, acted, who I could talk to - and abuse me physically and sexually, including things like strangling me. He would constantly remind me I wasnt good enough - pretty enough, not funny, not smart, the only good thing about me was that I was useful. And I agreed.

I am in my late 20s now. I have been isolated from anyone but him for so long that I cant function. I have no idea how to do shit like pay rent due to the financial control. I wont trauma dump more details, but I was treated incredibly badly and will be in therapy for the rest of my life.

My diary entries for years were begging him to love me, begging for me to just be better, do better, if I was better he would love me more, oh Im such a bad person to make him put up with this etc. I was groomed and systematically abused until I thought I was the problem against all greater logic. After all, he couldnt be bad, he loved me, right? It's my fault, I am not giving him what he needs, and as he reminded me I could give him what he needed or fuck off. And I had no one but him, so I clung on.

A man who abuses you doesnt love you. A man who abuses you is indifferent to your suffering, they just pretend otherwise to keep you around to fulfil the further need they have to abuse and control.

I would give anything to have no spent 10 years with a monster, to have woken up sooner, I'd trade my left arm to have my teens and 20s back. Im gonna spend til Im 30 just putting my life back together.

What you describe and experience is similar to the trap I was in for 10 years - yearning, desperately, to be enough for someone who doesnt give a shit. Difference is mine kept me around cos I was useful, doesn't mean he cared. And this may sound harsh, but it isnt real love, it's a obsessive bond that forms from trauma. Heightened when someone dangles the idea of being 'good enough' over your head.

I have many, many mentally ill rants in diaries about how I'm not even good enough to abuse, and I can only say that doesn't exist. I'm glad that man isnt in your life cos he's not good enough for you, no one deserves someone who treats them like that. I used to think that treatment was the best I could hope for.

Use me, abuse me, just as long as you stay and love me - I can have the illusion of love for a while, even if deep down I know I'm being used.

I dont know if I am ever gonna escape that mentality and that girl still lives within me, but I am awake enough to know where that path leads. That path leads to 10 years of your life giving things away that no one should, all for a man who doesnt even fucking like you. My ex hated everything about me - my interests, hobbies, humour, appearance - but always gave me 'chances' to improve. They keep you pining so you're too focused on yourself to see the abuse.

I wish I could say something that could stop you ever ending up in that situation as you are at risk for that, but I also know there's shit all anyone could have said to me. People did over the years and planted the seeds of doubt that took years to grow into "oh, this isnt okay".

There is nothing wrong with you. There's not something defective about you that made you not good enough. This is what abusers do. They hurt you, keep you around til they get bored, and throw you away. But non abusive love exists, and so does finding people who think you're absolutely wonderful for who you are.

#trauma vent #abuse vent #cptsdhealing #actually abused #trauma healing

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