#bladerunner meets star wars

[calamity-aims]

20 questions!

thanks for the tags @gaeasun @saltsanford @purgetrooperfox <3 love you guys

How many works do you have on AO3?

75

What’s your total AO3 word count?

238,592 (ooh I'mma celebrate when I hit a quarter million)

What fandoms do you write for?

mostly Star Wars! I wrote fic for some other fandoms early on but we don't talk about those

What are your top five fics by kudos?

your heartbeat's a countdown - crack fic in which the Jedi know the clones are a trap and try to avoid them at all costs

Necessary - a whumpy Voltron Klance fic I wrote after the first season (before the show went to hell)

their days are darker - in which Wolffe doesn't know how to drop anything and Fox is having the worst two days of his life

the broken-hearted rang their steeple bells - tropey Witcher kinkmeme fill that for some baffling reason has tons of kudos

exploitation, hesitation - short oneshot in which Fox assumes General Kenobi is just like his natborn superior officers and reacts accordingly

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to reply to every single one (unless it was just emojis) but then I fell off and now I feel bad :( I read them all though! and they are so treasured! one day I will make it through the backlog

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ooh see despite writing a lot of angst, I almost always write happy endings, so maybe I'll take no gold, I'll take no silver (please read the tags on that one). maybe spit some blood at the camera is pretty sad too, actually

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

all of them!! yayyyy! even if it's not spelled out, I usually resolve things because that's the world I want to live in! every fic is a fix-it fic

Do you get hate on fics?

not really, mostly just people asking when I'm going to finish, although I have seen people complaining that my version of Fox/Corries is banal and overdone which like yeah. I agree. but my brain won't let me move on.

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

hell yeah I do! I don't know what "what kind" means - I write characters fucking, never x reader and rarely OCs; and it's usually somewhat kinky because I just can't not

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I've written a few fusions/AUs - elysium is as far as to is a Gladiator AU, everyone wants a double feature is a Pacific Rim AU, and more human than human is a Bladerunner AU. but I've never done a straight-up crossover, although there are a few bouncing around in my brain (namely, the GAR joins the Decepticons and another where Boromir meets Rex and falls in love)

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

yeah I've had real problems with people plagiarizing fics, from lifting whole sections of dialogue to copying really specific scenes

Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope, but one got a podfic

Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

yeah I cowrote hold me like a grudge and sometimes a parrot talks (unfinished) with the fabulous @postapocalyptic-cryptic!

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

oh man. I love Quinlan/Fox to death. but I will admit that I was Stucky trash from the very beginning.

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

ooh there's a lot. Mace/Fox fic, sometimes a parrot talks, deaged Corries, chroma...

What are your writing strengths?

hm. I don't know. I think I'm good at characterization and dialogue?

What are your writing weaknesses?

fukcin plot beyond "there is hurt and then there is comfort". and also explaining more about people's emotions, like, I know what they're feeling but I need to tell other people

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I just use google translate, I'm sorry

First fandom you wrote for?

oh boy oh fuck. The first fandom I ever wrote for was Phantom of the Opera when I was in eighth grade. go ahead and laugh

Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

uhhh. aaa? um. probably unexplain the unforgivable, but I also really liked how a once and future sun turned out

no pressure tags for @postapocalyptic-cryptic @meerlichtz @milfmisspiggy @catboydogma @jaigeye

[noocturnalchild]

FicRec!

So I’ve been into a Cyberpunk phase these days and went on hunting Ben Solo/ Kylo Ren/ Reylo fics that are set in a Cyberpunk AU or at least have some Cyberpunk elements in them, and ofc found some that I want to share here! 

1- Blade Runner 2085 

By : DanieMarie on AO3 

Pairing : Ben Solo/Kylo Ren x Rey 

Where Kylo is a replicant and a blade runner and Rey is a member of the police forces! 

2- Ideas Are Bulletproof

By: Automatic-badgirl on AO3 

Pairing : Ben Solo x Rey 

The sitting is near future : 2027, Rey is a hacker and Ben an FBI agent !

3- We Own the Sky 

By: Eveningeyes on AO3 

Pairing: Ben Solo x Rey 

A fantasy/outrun/cyberpunk Reylo AU with integrated Star Wars elements!

4- Dystopia 

by: @cosmogonika 

Pairing: Kylo Ren x Rey 

The year is 2149, Kylo is a lethal hitman android, and Rey a Bladerunner ! 

5- Humanoid 2.0 

By : Kyloren on AO3 

Pairing: Kylo Ren/ Rey 

Where Rey is a human organs courier and Kylo a speeder rider ! 

Oh also, you might like some themed music to accompany your reading?

help yourself : 

Scandroid - Neo Tokyo 

Time Cop 1983 - Static 

Perturbator - Vanger 

MegaDrive - I am the program

Carpenter Brut - Turbo Killer 

Art by : Pablo Ruiz 

[deviantaccumulation]

Rambling thoughts on Obi-Wan Kenobi (the series)

Man maybe I'm getting cynical or haven't consumed enough Star Wars lately, but the first two episodes were pretttttttttttyyyyyy underwhelming for me

I'm very glad many of the people I follow seem to be enjoying it, but so far I'm not really; if you don't want to hear me ramble about that for several paragraphs best stop reading now ':D

First episode was still kinda alright, though it dragged a bit, but I can vibe with taking it slow to establish the setting and where the characters are at and just the general mood of the show

Now I know the joke of The Kenobi series is just going to be Obi-Wan sad in a cave for 10 episodes is a true and tried one, but damn I wish they had spiced it up a bit. At this point it feels too cliche to actually go for depressed 24/7; I would have preferred there to be some variety, something about him interacting a bit with the locals (the part with the Jawa was cute but since they didn't return it felt very one beat), some appreciation of the beauty of the desert, some small joys, and then you can make the sadness hit that much harder when you contrast e.g. with the night terrors. Like this they just felt like another point on the checklist

Also what I'm afraid is dooming the series for me a bit is that I cannot get myself to like Leia. She feels like every generic bratty but supposed to be adorable child character to me and it is grating. There is a very fine line to walk with being bossy and talking back and not having it be annoying, and she falls very firmly in the latter. It doesn't help that within the plot she is constantly an obstacle and not a helper. Many of her actions in episode 2 seems extremely stupid, and while I can get with the whole Being a child and Being in a very dangerous and unpredictive situation and Being afraid, it does not make her causing half the problems in the episode that much less grating. Especially since the biggest one is literally a shrek-level of misunderstanding between Obi-Wan and her

In general, but in episode 2 more egriougsly, the show suffers from so many conveniences. People just meet each other within vast cities, they learn crucial information by happenstance, and so on and so forth. Episode 2 is all over the place with where its characters are at and when, it's bad both from a writing and editing stand point

Whined enough about the technical side now, moving on

I really wish Leia and Obi-Wan's relationship could be landing for me. If they continue with this plotline it will be a cornerstone of the series, and it could be absolutely adorable and wholesome, but at the moment I don't know which bantha wrote Leia's dialogue, everything she says feels very forced and unnatural. Yes, she's mature for her age, but can we please tone down the hashtag feminism girlboss energy and have her talk like an actual 9 year old once in a while

If there's one thing I like about the series it's the world. The worldbuilding is nice, and the sets and costumes are beautiful. I loved the bladerunner esque aesthetic of the planet of the second episode, and just the diversity of all the people milling around. Makes me sad that Obi-Wan is apparently contractually obliged to stick to the sand tunics when there is absolutely no in universe reason for him to do so? The whole planet knows your face, for the love of god just put on a helmet and pretend youre a bounty hunter of which there are thousands here.

Sigh

My main hope for the series is that they explore the spiritual angle of the Force a bit more, but so far that's not happening, though i will be patient about it and just hope it comes up in the later episodes

So far this is not a show I would recommend to someone who is not a big Star Wars/Obi-Wan fan, it's fairly mediocre so far with episode 2 nearing being bad

I'm still holding out hope that it gets better, and that we'll see a nice character arc for Obi-Wan and it will make it worth to start on such a monotone note, but my expectations are tempered

[dappercheshire]

Shuttlecore

-old space craft decorated with moss and ivy (Like a cottagecore trailer park camped outside Roswell)

-modern technology coexisting in a cottagecore/farmcore environment

-vaporwave meets cottagecore aesthetic

-space, stars, aliens, bugs, faeries, mushrooms, telekinesis, witchcraft, cryptids

-Star Trek, Star Wars, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Farscape, The Neverending Story, Ender's Game, Shadowrun, The Fifth Element, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, Stargate, Futurama, Bladerunner, Enslaved, She-Ra and The Princesses of Power

Will update later, im excited! This is just me brainstorming as the founder of a new aesthetic, Ill have a proper list asap, not all of this is final, just putting it into words!

[thelogicalghost]

About Roleplaying

The internet is really useful at bringing people together, but it’s also, in my experience, sometimes useful for someone to point out places to start.

Roleplaying is a vast umbrella term that covers a diverse spectrum of activities, and if you enjoy any part of it, you might want to consider trying other styles.

I say this because, as someone who has been involved in both the least and most regulated forms of roleplay, it took me far longer than it should have to find out that there are dozens of gradients and variants in between, and I want to get more people involved in that growing diversity. 

I’m prompted to do this now because everyone being stuck in isolation has caused a boom in virtual gaming through apps like roll20, and I’ve discovered Discord-based text roleplay games that feel like the evolution of the LJ forums I used to love. So this is a great time to research, experiment, and find games to help keep us connected and sane. But finding the right game is extremely important.

Here’s the thing: there is a whole world of tabletop RPG outside of Dungeons and Dragons. D&D absolutely has its place in the TTRPG world, but oftentimes I see people frustrated with its limitations because they’re trying to use it in unintended ways. I’ve learned that different rules systems exist to help promote or restrain different kinds of stories. 

I like to think of RPG rulesets as falling generally into these (highly overlapping and by no means all-inclusive) categories:

* Numbers-intensive, or “crunchy” systems are very granular and the most intimidating to new players. Crunchy systems are often built to try to quantify things that other systems handwave. There are players who really love these kinds of games. They can be really rewarding to master, for one. Because so much is quantified, they can allow complex interactions that other systems can’t handle, such as simulating the mechanics of a play-by-play fight between a werewolf and a psychic alien. 

* In contrast, a Rules light system will try to lower the barrier for entry as much as possible for new players. It’s much more like collaborative story-writing, with the rules mostly existing to help tell the story, add an element of chance, and give the players numerical reminders of their strengths, weaknesses, and progression.

* Live Action Roleplay, or LARP intended systems are meant to be run live by a group of people actually acting out the characters, kind of like cosplaying an OC with a bunch of other people and doing improv of their interactions. These systems are designed for two purposes: to define the world and relationships between people in it, so that players build characters suited to the setting and know how to interact with it and each other, and to make the process of breaking out sheets (having to stop and calculate the results of something done by numbers) as fast as possible so people can get back to playing.

* Other systems are more necessarily true Tabletop. Some require maps and grids, different sets of dice for different rolls, or even armies of small figurines. In the old days, this could be intimidating because of the money and effort needed to amass materials, but these days, digital systems can let people play many games for free, and players who are more invested can spend money for fancier programs. Even if you just want to run your game over voice on Discord, you can upload a dice-roller bot to keep play transparent and fair.

* Another important set of terms are one-shot, scenario, and campaign, which are probably the most common ways of discussing intended game lengths. Some game systems are specifically written to be played in a single session and tell a single story. These usually have the most work done for you, such as handouts and schedules of when events should happen during the game. Other game systems have potentially hundreds of pre-written scenarios, which contain all the information a game runner needs to run one or more sessions through a pre-written story. Not every game is intended to be a campaign that extends out over weeks and months of increasingly hard encounters, and often shorter games are much better ways to meet new people, try new systems, or just have fun for an evening.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is, if you like roleplaying, there is a game out there for you and this is the perfect time to find people to play with.

Is D&D too rules-heavy for you? Why not try a rules-light system like FATE or Powered by the Apocalypse? The former is incredibly flexible and can easily be edited to fit any setting, while the latter has a dozen fun varieties like Monster of the Week (a Buffy/Supernatural show setting) or MonsterHearts (more of a CW supernatural teen drama vibe). 

Do you like the rules, but not the setting, of D&D? How about Shadowrun, a near-future heist game in a Bladerunner-meets-magic world? How about World of Darkness, which has specific settings for modern-day clans of vampires, werewolves, fairies, and mages?

If you’re particularly fond of a certain licensed property, check around: there might be a TTRPG made for it. Star Wars has multiple systems geared towards telling different stories. There are games for everything from Serenity to Leverage, and many of these are available in less-expensive PDFs you can download to both save shelf space and maximize how much of your money supports the creators. 

I utterly love some of these less-common systems. I love what they can do and the kind of stories you can tell with them. I really, strongly feel that if more people knew these options were out there, more people would try them and play them.

[ayankun]

First Thoughts on Picard

70% of the way through Picard.  Here are the titles of possible reviews I’ll never write.

Star Trek: Picard: You’ve Heard of the Tal Shiar, But Are You Ready for the Zhat Vash?

Star Trek: Picard: I Like My Trek How I Like My Dabo Girls, Pretty and Dumb

Star Trek: Picard: Angry Vulcan Wears Sunglasses

Star Trek: Picard: “It Must Be Chewed”

Star Trek: Picard: Foreshadowing so Strong it’s Just Exposition; Exposition so Light Whole B-Plots Won’t Stop Coming out of Nowhere

Star Trek: Picard: A Treatise on Unhealthy Relationships As an Essential Narrative Device

Star Trek: Picard: Who Are All These Characters and When Will I Learn Their Names

Star Trek: Picard: Bladerunner Meets Star Wars

Star Trek: Picard: You Cannot Believe How Many Times I’ve Said “Now Kiss” (and I Hope Soon They’ll Hear Me)

Star Trek: Picard: Generally Not Bad For A Fanfic

[misterclandestine]

My Favorite Stuff from 2017

It’s been a tough one, but there was a lot of awesome stuff that made it easier. Here are some of my favorites in no particular order.

DAMN by Kendrick Lamar, Album - The World felt different once this was in it. Kenny’s 4th release proved he’s just as thoughtful, agile, and hungry as ever.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by Johnny Sun, Book - You can go through this hybrid graphic novel/picture-book in one sitting, but there’s so much to chew on here that I recommend taking time with this story, which follows Jomny, a misspelling aliebn sent to earth to study human behavior. The brief, direct interactions simply, & hilariously reveal everything beautiful and tragic about what it is to be alive.  

Abstract: The Art of Design, Series - This Netflix series drops you into the lives of 6 masterful creators moving through subcultures of artistry (i.e Footwear Design, Illustration, Stage Design). Each revealing their varying methods, ideas, and joys about creativity. The standout episode follows Christoph Niemann, an illustrator for the New Yorker, and his blue-collar approach to his work.

Game of Thrones: The Spoils of War, TV Series - Though this season was rushed, clumsy and arguably unrecognizable from the compelling and prestigious drama that has unprecedentedly impacted our culture, you won’t find a more gripping hour of television. You know a show is wilding out when you don’t know who the hell to even root for anymore (Get em, Drogo! Wait, not Bronn! Wait, not the incestuous child killer!)

Insecure: Season 2, TV Series - The show you didn’t know you needed. Issa Rae’s hilarious dramedy paints a picture of what it’s like to be young, ambitious, unapologetic, lonely, intelligent, sexy, successful, and losing.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Season 4, TV Series - Oliver’s weekly recap simultaneously manages to be enlightening, funny, depressing, and hopeful. His takedown of Alex Jones was one of the most satisfying things I consumed all year.

Do Not Disturb by Drake, Song - the final track of More Life, a surprise ‘mixtape’, samples ‘Time’ by Snoh Alegra, and is one of his most personal songs to date. Without a chorus, he raps for 3 minutes about not needing romance, fear of irrelevancy, and the quickening passage of time. Gracefully shifting between insecurity and arrogance with dizzying fervor, Aubrey continues to capture the emotional woes of an entire generation.

Get Out, Film - Jordan Peele’s directorial film debut is the rare instant classic, and it’s not because it has one of the most crowd-pleasing endings of all time. The satirical, social commentary cloaked in the guise of a horror comedy, refuses definition, and peels back layers of race, and class previously untouched in cinema.

Melodrama by Lorde, Album - With a kajillion pounds of pressure on her shoulders to follow up one of the best pop debuts of all time, Ella delivers. She croons on top of Jack Antonoff’s unruly production about heartbreak, fame, and the feeble impact of acclaim. As one Twitterer put it “I gain an extra chromosome when the beat drops in ‘Sober II’.

mother!, Film - I can’t say I enjoyed this movie because it was the second most excruciating sit I had at the theater all year (kudos to Justice League), but it left me SHOOK. It’s clearly allegorical, but what makes it masterful is that the way you take this movie in is colored almost entirely by your own personal experiences.

Master of None: Season 2, TV Series - A perfect double-feature to Insecure (give me a shared universe where Dev and Issa are a power couple). Ansari’s relentlessly entertaining series accomplishes what every second season strives for. It tops the first, while redefining and expanding itself. The show is tirelessly committed to the experiences of ‘others’ (a deaf person, a lesbian, a non-believing muslim, service workers in NYC etc.) It’ll leave you crying, laughing, and hungry.

Split, Film - When we’re lucky, films hit ya with “SURPRISE, muthafucka” moments that Jesus himself would not see coming. Shyamalan’s second hit in a row (after a run of all time duds) ends with one 17 years in the making. The iconic villain terrifyingly played with razor-sharp swiftness by the world-class James McAvoy is the icing on the cake.

Isaiah Thomas, Athlete - If not for Russell Westbrook’s record breaking response to Kevin Durant’s betrayal, the “King in the Fourth” takes home the MVP. Watching him play through tears the day after his sister died in a car accident will stay with me forever. His 53 point performance on her birthday a few weeks later starkly reminded me of the unifying, powerful spirit of sport.

Moonlight’s Best Picture Win - I’ll begin by saying that I really liked La La Land. A month after we swore in Don, we got it wrong again… psych! I’ll never forget the roller coaster of emotion that came over me in this moment. Barry Jenkin’s tale told through 3 untraditional acts (titled ‘Little’, ‘Chiron’ & ‘Black’) was gorgeously shot, flawlessly acted, and supremely helmed. It arrived at a time we needed it most and Mahershala Ali FINALLY got his shine.

Coco, Film - We got one shot this year, and we NAILED it. This breathtaking portrait of Mexican culture demands to be seen on the big screen and illuminates the importance of dreams, family, and tradition. No manches!

‘No Man’s Land’ scene in Wonder Woman - There were two times in the theater this year that I felt that sinking drop of a roller coaster in my belly, this was one of them. Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins must be emboldened and protected at all cost.

Woody Harrelson, Actor - The rare movie-star actor quietly had a phenomenal year, further etching the grooves of his name into Hollywood lore. His turns in The Glass Castle, The War for the Planet of the Apes, and Three Billboards in Ebbing Missouri prove he’s STILL at the top of his game. I’m shocked that his heartbreaking portrayal of a drifting, alcoholic yet whimsical and passionate father in The Glass Castle hasn’t gotten more attention.

S - Town, Podcast - The colder you go into this one, the better. All I’ll say is that you’ll step away from this one feeling some type of way about people, the feeble sustainability of the planet, and clocks.

The World Series, Sports - The. Best. Ever. After being devastated by Hurricane Harvey, the Astros grant Houstonians some restoration via their first World Series Championship in a thrilling 7-game series that was literally witnessed by the World.

The Keepers, Documentary Series- This 7 episode series documenting the varying controversies surrounding the Catholic Church left me epiphanized about what it means to remove the seemingly impenetrable powers of institutions. Targeting one single individual, or a group of individuals or an organization won’t get it done. We must take down the viral ideas themselves.

Bladerunner 2049, Film - Aside from being wondrously constructed technically (you won’t see better production design or cinematography - give Deakins his Oscar now dammit), this story about a robot serves up a surprising amount of soul. Denis Villeneuve, solidifying his auteur status, delivers a nostalgic yet entirely unique follow up to the beloved sci fi classic.

‘Throne Room’ scene in The Last Jedi - This was the other time I felt like I was falling in the theater. Despite considerable problems, Rian Johnson showed us stuff we’ve never seen before in the SW universe. It’s the showdown you dream about as a kid.

The Big Sick, film - Kumail Nanjiani’s autobiographical story of how he met his lover is sorta the woke edition of Meet The Parents. Like Dev on MON, Kumail struggles to blaze trails while upholding loyalty to family and falls in love for a white girl along the way. Ray Romano and Holly Hunter turn in a pair of the year’s best performances.

Big Little Lies, Mini Series - I resisted the marketing for this one initially: dissatisfied, rich folk in Monterey. But the re-teaming of Jean-Marc Vallée (Wild, Dallas Buyers Club, Demolition) & Reese Witherspoon seemed promising. Momentum grew with each weekly installment (I overheard people theorizing whodoneit in restaurants), which is refreshing in the Netflix age. The leads are all stellar (believe the hype about Kidman) and Zoe Kravitz proves she should be working more.

Creature Comfort by Arcade Fire, Song - A painful examination of youth that’s equally heartbreaking and melodic.

Homecoming Season 2 - The fictional podcast about the remnants of a government coverup of a failed rehabilitation program for distressed veterans makes some questionable narrative choices in it’s second season and Oscar Isaac is absent throughout most of it (likely due to a loaded schedule). He does “appear” at the end of the second episode ‘CIPHER’, in a brilliant usage of audio storytelling, and it left me in puddles.

Mindhunter, TV Series - We all know Fincher is a technical maestro, but I don’t think he gets enough credit for being a complete storyteller, which he clearly is. The 13-episode made-to-binge Netflix series based off the book by the same name follows Holden Ford, an idealistic FBI profiler, and Bill Tench, played by Holt McCallany subverting every macho character role he’s ever taken on as a highly intelligent, hardened fed, as they attempt to break ground on our understandings of serial murderers. All of Fincher’s trademarks are there with sprinkled elements of Seven, & Zodiac.

Tyler the Creator’s Tiny Desk Concert, Podcast - I enjoyed ‘Flower Boy’, but didn’t find myself returning to it. That all changed after this. In a year of fantastic TDCs (i.e: Thundercat, Chance the Rapper) Tyler’s stands out. With help from a pair of stellar background singers, his array of talents are on full display, namely: composing and orchestrating melody and harmony.

Colin Kaepernick, Athlete - it’s not about the flag or the military don’t @ me.

20th Century Women, Film - Released wide in January, it remains one of the year’s best. Set gorgeously in 1970′s Santa Barbara, Mike Mills’ deeply personal tribute to motherhood, women, & outcasts overflows with heart.

Kamala Harris, (D) CA Senator - She is so bad, can we get started on the 2020 bumper stickers now?

What Now by Sylvan Esso, Album - ‘Hey Mami’ from their 2014 debut popped up on my Pandora one day and I was IN. Amelia Meath’s angelic vocals layered over Nick Sanborn’s unpredictable production is sublime. The “Echo Mountain Sessions” include dope af live recordings of the album’s standout tracks.

Logan, Film - The Wolverine movie we deserve also features a star-making performance from Dafne Keen and an unrecognizable Professor X. With a decade between the last time he inhabited his iconic portrayal of Charles Xavier, Sir Patrick Stewart strides (wheels?) back into the role with award worthy tact.

Fargo Season 3, TV Series - The best season yet and that’s really saying something. David Thewlis is haunting as Varga, the creepiest, most frightening villain in the series’ history and a collection of top-tier thespians rounds out the rest of the cast. There’s also a moment in one of the later episodes similar to the ending of ‘Split’ that’s a real delight.  

Mr. Robot Season 3, TV Series - Showrunner Sam Esmail moves us through this complex dystopia, which has begun to bear resemblance to our reality lately, with complete CTRL. We see Mr. Robot AND Bobby Canavale like never before. That oner episode is pretty cool too, but it’s not even the season’s best.

Other Notables: Patton Oswalt: Annihilation, Girls Trip, The Leftovers Season 3, Glow, Twin Peaks: The Return, Ingrid Goes West, BEAUTIFUL THUGGER GIRLS by Young Thug, Add Violence by NIN, Good Time, Stranger Things: Season 2, Legion, Dunkirk, Crashing, NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES by N.E.R.D, 4:44 by Jay-Z, Dirty John, Wind River, Dear White People

FYI: I still haven’t seen/listened to a lot of stuff, namely all the big award contending films.

[calamity-aims]

calamity-aims/always_a_slut_for_hc fic masterpost

Hi! I’m calamity, currently obsessed with writing (and drawing) about Star Wars. My AO3

multi-chapter:

their days are darker: commander fox, commander wolffe, commander cody, commander bly || after the death of arc trooper fives, an altercation at 79's leads wolffe to spend his leave snooping around the coruscant guard. fox assumes he'll drop it and leave the corries to their fate; it's what everyone else has done. he is very, very wrong. (happy ending)

i’ve been sent up & i’ve been shot down: commander fox, commander wolffe, commander thire || an AU of ‘their days are darker’ in which cody court-martials fox and he is sent to solitary confinement to await his sentencing. (complete, happy ending)

your heartbeat’s a countdown: jedi & clones || the jedi order discovers very early on that their army of clones is an army of thermal detonators, primed to blow. crack!fic. (happy ending)

and the arms of the ocean deliver me: cal kestis & commander fox || ten years after the rise of the empire, the city-planet of coruscant has had enough. cal kestis is its chosen prophet, to be sent back in time and prevent the fall of the republic. (happy ending)

single-chapter:

took a shot and didn’t even come close: commander fox, commander wolffe, commander cody || a night out at 79′s goes bad for commander fox, but cody and wolffe are there to help. (happy ending)

get in line and I’ll grieve you: commander cody & commander fox || faie and cody recover fox, six months after the end of the war. (happy ending)

don’t fret precious, i’m here: quinlan vos/commander fox || quinlan is acting odd - he won’t tell fox where they’re going. (happy ending)

exploitation, hesitation: commander fox, commander cody, obi-wan kenobi || the coruscant guard makes a mistake while working with the 212th attack battalion. fox prepares to take the heat. (happy ending)

night so black that the darkness hummed: jon antilles & commander bacara || jon antilles investigates a distress call in deep hyperspace. (happy ending)

how far down i can sink: commander neyo & trilla suduri || after the fall of the republic, purge trooper neyo meets trilla suduri. (happy ending)

i’ll take no gold, i’ll take no silver: commander fox & oc clone trooper fen || a shiny corrie guard watches commander fox protect him from the dangers of coruscant. (dark)

maybe spit some blood at the camera: commander fox, commander thire, & sheev palpatine || thire has a plan to rescue fox. it doesn’t work. (happy ending by @chiafett - or climb to your feet and manage a scream)

talking to a dead dead line: captain rex & arc trooper fives || on corellia, fives manages to get robbed, get a concussion, and adopt a tiny han solo. (happy-ish ending)

side by side, just within reach: quinlan vos/commander fox || quinlan and fox get stuck in an elevator. (happy ending)

elysium is as far as to: aayla secura & anakin skywalker || gladiator fusion AU; post-order 66, aayla secura and emperor skywalker face off (happy-ish ending?)

up the wolves: commander neyo & commander faie || dred priest has left neyo no choice. (happy ending)

adam raised a cain: commander bacara & commander neyo || neyo and bacara are four years old and already dred priest’s little project. (now with a happy coda requested by @chiafett)

more human than human: captain rex & commander cody || bladerunner 2049 fusion AU; rex sprints through the streets of los angeles, pursued by a familiar face.

too much, too late, or just not enough of this: commander fox, captain rex, anakin skywalker, & commander thorn || on the hunt for ahsoka tano, anakin skywalker makes the decision to remove fox from the equation. (incomplete; will have a happy ending)

in our secret world we were colliding: commander bacara & jon antilles || bacara isn’t expecting to be rescued, especially by a strange jedi. (happy ending)

better off against worse for wear: dogma & the 501st || locked in the umbaran brig with dogma, pong krell has a plan to escape. (happy ending)

everyone wants a double feature: commander wolffe & commander fox || pacific rim fusion AU; wolffe gets chronic migraines. (happy-ish ending)

partaylir: commander thorn & commander fox || fox returns from reconditioning on kamino. (happy ending)

rise above my station: captain rex & pong krell || rex takes damage from an angry besalisk. 

we treat mishaps like sinking ships: dogma & tup || dogma is dogmatic; tup is torn.

bright smile, dark eyes: commander thorn/padme amidala || thorn and padme’s first kiss. (happy ending)

i foresee terrible trouble: captain rex & anakin skywalker || anakin learns some harsh truths when he, rex, and fives are captured. 

look away down: the coruscant guard commanders || the coruscant guard isn't on the front lines, but they bear battle scars anyway.

open hand or closed fist: commander colt & asajj ventress || at the battle of kamino, ventress doesn’t kill colt - she takes him.

cold hands warm heart: the bad batch || tech unsuccessfully tries to fix a ship. his brothers successfully get him to join the cuddle pile. (happy ending)

also, playlists!

their days are darker playlist

febuwhump fic titles playlist

[tisfan]

The (honey do) List

Longer Fic

Holiday Spending -- November and December chapters and then DONE To Victor Goes the Spoils -- probably 2-3 more chapters Predation Games -- I just started this and I estimate about 40,000 words. I have a complete outline Mother of Tides -- yet another Sandbridge story, currently 27,000 words, with a vagueish outline All American Road Trip -- another 6 ish chapters to go Coulson's Final Case -- about 10 chapters to go Phoenix Rising -- another Communal Kitchen story, mostly just needs to be closed out, and then edited Everyone Goes to Tony's -- longish fic, in the planning stages, need to have 60% done by Nov 1, because it’s for a bang. so, 24,000 words to write in the next 45 days The Galaxies are Transient -- Star Wars fic, my first dabble into StormPilot. We’ll see if I get anywhere with this

Short Pieces and Prompts

3rd Date -- for Stony bingo Cuttlefish/Mershark -- for the Fish Tank/Imagine Tony & Bucky Clint/Coulson Holiday Exchange story -- I have my prompts for this, still pondering them WinterIron Holiday Exchange Story -- can’t start this until I get my prompt sheet AD&D -- prompt for Imagine Tony & Bucky haven’t started Communal Kitchen short/Walk all Over Me -- prompt, haven’t started Murder or a Heart Attack 2 -- requests, and I have some ideas NSFW Bondage -- porn-please prompt for Imagine Tony & Bucky Steampunk AU -- I started this, had an idea for it, idea has wandered off. Still pondering Unless you Dream of Me -- another art-collab piece. I have a plan. Id fic at it’s weirdest. Going to be very... dubcon/weird/trashy (but not Hydra Trash) First Meet Clint/Coulson -- inbox prompt. I have no ideas. atm Off the Menu continuation -- @27dragons is an enabler and no help at all. (not true, she gave me an idea for this prompt Natasha's Good Boy -- kink story, haven’t started Sex Powered Space Ship -- WinterIronDoom dub con/sex pollen/tentacles/id fic/trash (but not Hydra trash) Public Sex (and combo with request for a sequel to Kiss Me Through The Phone) -- planning stages and I have to convince 27dragons to come play with me again

Also, shut up brain

I have a couple of ideas that I’m not counting yet as ideas:

Bladerunner AU Wingfic with @beir doing some collab art You’ve Reached the Life Model Decoy... Sandbridge get-together story for Wanda/Sam

Stuff that’s Forthcoming

Bucky’s nightmare, Tony keeping watch (this is written for the Sandbridge AU, just needs to be added in at the appropriate time Yoga!Bucky and Art Teacher!Skinny Steve art and fic collab with @chiyume. Awaiting art. Spilt on the Ground like Water -- Art and fic collab with @mto-art will start posting on @imaginetonyandbucky on Sunday in four parts. Entire fic will post in full on A03 on Wednesday

Reflections of Fear -- Clint/Coulson horror story for Imagine Clint/Coulson’s Halloween Event, posting Oct 31st

[blairtrabbit]

Writing Good World building

I get alot of nice compliments about the world building in my writing so here. I wrote down all my secrets. They aren’t very good secrets but they’re all I got.

1.       Do not info dump all at once. Even if it’s tempting as fuck and you just want to talk about everything cool in this world your’re creating in the first chapter. DON’T DO IT. Space it out. Reveal things a bit at a time. If possible have your discoveries build on one another. Have a character mention something they would know about but the audience won’t in an early chapter then reveal it later. Reward your audience for paying attention. If you info dump everything in the first few paragraphs of your story then the reader gets bored. World War Z (the book for god’s sake not the movie) is possibly the best example of this particular brand of world building. In early interviews Max Brooks will masterfully introduce a concept (feral children or The Battle of Yonkers for example) and later on they will be mentioned in passing by another person being interviewed. This connects the world together and gives it depth. Always remember that all the characters in your story share this universe and speak the same cultural language.

 2.       Always have a character who is also unfamiliar with the setting be your main. If your story stars someone who is completely familiar with the world of the story your gonna get info dump problems. The lead will either look like a crazy person talking to an invisible audience about things they encounter everyday or they won’t explain anything at all and the reader will become frustratingly out of the loop. Your lead should be as clueless are your reader. This is a good rule of thumb for movies too. Luke doesn’t know anything about Jedi so the people around him explain and when he learns the audience learns. It feels natural and leaves room for discovery and growth.Don’t have someone explain TOO much however or you head straight back into TMI issues.

 3.       Commit to it. Even if your world has some insane bullshit thing going on if everybody takes it seriously your reader will too. Harry Potter gets away with some utterly ridiculous spells but they have life and death consequences so no matter how goofy a scenario or idea might sound when you say it out loud? (flying brains/death curtain/unicorn eating) Given the right build up and complete seriousness by the characters its going to feel concrete to the reader. Pacific Rim or Neon Genesis Evengelion-…really anything in the big robot fighting genre Is another good example of this. Big robot fights might seem stupid but to the characters/reader involved in the un-ironic struggle the foreign elements have to feel genuine otherwise the world doesn’t feel real so the stakes aren’t real and there's no tension or conflict.

 4.       Read/watch documentaries/ learn about everything. BE FUCKING CURIOUS. Pay attention to world history and politics.  Have at least a passing idea of how economics works. If your world is based on a time period then research EVERYTHING about that time period. Like research what kind of socks people wore and what fruit was available and what the weather was like. If your world is based on mythology then for the love of god research the culture it came from. The small details can make everything so much more interesting.

 5.       If your premise has one focus (Magic is real/soulmates exist/Aliens attack) think of it as a web. That premise is the center but how is it going to affect everything around it? How will it affect world governments? Climate? Growing crops? Will children learn things in school differently? Will different class systems exist? How will countries interact?  I like to think of it as the domino affect of world building and while it doesn’t seem important it IS. There are two ways of examining this. The Macro world and the Micro world.

 Thinking in the Macro

Example: My basic premise…uhhh mermaids exist. That works. Questions: How will mermaids existing affect the fishing industry? Do mermaids own tracts of ocean? Do mermaids have allies or enemies on land? Do they trade with humans? Do they believe in currency? How long have we known they’ve existed? Ideas from questions: Let’s relate things to the real world to give our story grounding on the familiar. So like…Oh man! wouldn’t it be cool if mermaids boycotted Seaworld? Or if they were on bad terms with Japan because of the shit that goes down there like the documentary the Cove?  Oh man that would be pretty cool. Man Japan eats a lot of fish. If they had some kind of tiff with mermaids that lead to an all out war what would that be like because I know from my research Japan doesn’t really have its own army after WW2 so would allies be involved? Story: Japan (and its allies) are at war with Mermaids.

 Thinking in the Micro OR Taking my Macro idea and shrinking it.

The Macro idea is just the world now you need a premise that rests within the larger story. Love stories are great because everybody roots for a love story. Let’s do that.

Example: Mermaids are at war with Japan and a hot merman and a Japanese guy fall in love. Oh NO! What will they do?

Questions: How does the Macro situation affect the micro situation? How can the macro influence the couple in interesting ways? What are the positions of the characters in this universe? What jobs can they have? How will the war affect them on a personal level or their families? Ideas from questions: Well the Japanese guy has to be near the water to meet hot merman so maybe his dad was a fishermen but when the war happened he had to stop so now his family hates those darn ole mermaids. Situation--> cause for conflict. Hooray! Maybe the merman is caught stealing something…what’s something that would affect him? Maybe hes sabotaging something? Is he part of the war effort? Maybe hes a scientist. Aww lil merman scientist. Story: A fourth generation out of work fisherman’s son stumbles on a hot merman scientist and his families stereotypical portrayal of mermaids don’t fit so he must acquit…or kiss kiss fall in love??? Aww yiss I would read that!

6.       One of my personal hero’s when it comes to world building is Paul Verhoeven. Yeah the guy who made Showgirls. That guy. But two examples of straight up amazing world building can be found in Verhoeven’s films Robocop and Starship Troopers. Are they dumb? Yes. Yes they are. Are they masterpieces of world building? Also yes.

In the first 3 minutes of Robocop you learn everything you need to know about the world our characters live in. How dire the situation is and what kind of tone you can expect. They briefly mention a strike they bring up the villain and they introduce our hero. All in one beautiful swoop. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PNi2nC5iLA  (warning bewbs)

 Verhoeven also uses news clips, commercials and other cultural hallmarks to give a natural sense of the world. At no point in the movie does anyone need to explain a single thing. We can gather everything we need as an intelligent viewer just from context clues. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LKQ3eX9pEg (warning insane shit)

This great scene in Starship Troopers not only establishes our villain in an interesting almost clinical way. It gives the viewer a cool visual and shows another teacher/vet suffering horrible damage from the war. It also shows our main has nerves of steel. It accomplishes all three goals flawlessly and you didn’t even realize you were learning. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMuRm70JlDM (warning alien gore)

In Starship Troopers all of the war vets suffer horrendous damage/missing limbs and scars. In Robocop there is a commercial where a woman is selling sunscreen with an impossible spf because of global warming. Is it ridiculous? Fuck yes. Does it tell you something about the world these characters live in? FUCK YES.

Although there is a big difference in written language and film language there is still a huge lesson to be learned from the Verhoeven method of world building. How are the circumstances of my world affecting the cultural language of my characters? How can I use that to my advantage? How can I teach my reader using something that doesn’t make them feel like they’re doing homework? Can I establish multiple things in a single scene?

7. Learn from the masters. Read alot of sci-fi books like Dune or Riverworld. Watch alot of great worldbuilding movies like Bladerunner or The Fifth Element. Don’t copy them but examine and think about why they are good and how you can use what they teach.

[rawinternets]

Star Wars Episode 2: A rediscovery

OK... at this point, I’ve reviewed in series: 

Rogue One Ep4: A New Hope Ep5: Empire Strikes Back Ep1: Phantom Menace

And boy, I am not excited for Episode 2. Still, I’m ready to give it a chance. 

What happens when I do this is, I watch a movie that improves upon the effort in Episode 1. You can sense here that George Lucas took a lot of the criticisms to heart, maybe even ceded some control to others whom he trusts. Jar Jar is significantly toned down, the spectacle is there but the mystery and darkness is turned up a bit. 

Still, we have a mostly flat movie. Only one “9″ scene and really it’s just the visuals, which have always been Star Wars’s strength. And, we are introduced to George Lucas’s Awkward Teenager Fantasy of a Space Romance (tm) featuring a horribly directed Hayden Christensen and a bewilderingly amenable Natalie Portman. Like, at no time at all in this movie does it make sense that Padme should be falling for this petulant, whiny, and kind of creepy kid... unless we simply assume that she kind of sucks, too. 

Despite John Williams again trying to save the day (and this romance) with a score that soars to beauteous heights with Across the Stars, the film definitely fails here. The infamous “sand” line, etc etc etc all to come. 

Lastly, we get an incredibly hokey and just inexcusably bad Gladiator style setpiece. 1′s and 2′s abound. The end result is a film that kind of flops on the main plot points and otherwise just plods the prequel plots forward, setting up an ep3 that might well have been made into three movies since it’s the only prequel that is interesting or ties to the originals in any satisfactory way. 

On to the scores. 

Average score: 5.48 Standard deviation: 2.07

Scroll. 7. This whole scroll made me say, “I guess...” Like, fine, I guess Count Dooku is a necessary new Sith character. I guess the Republic needs to create an army to help the Jedi... None of it makes me that excited. Appropriate omen for the rest of the movie. 

Approaching Coruscant. 6. Very pretty ship. Very pretty cloudy day on Coruscant. Terrorist attack! Holy shit! Hollywood dramatic death of the decoy getting killed, bad directing/acting by Amidala. I wrote, “woof.” talk about botching an interesting idea. 

Palpatine and Jedi. 7. More expository scenes here. “Dooku was behind it.” Sure, whatever. Keep republic together, sure, whatever. Yoda is fine. Samuel L is bad (must be the directing...). Palpatine scheming is just sort of Meh. 

Obiwan and Anakin. 8. Not too bad, to be honest. Ewan does well, he’s turning up his “Alec Guinness” knobs quite well. 

Jarjar / Padme, re-meet Anakin. 7. Damn, Amidala friendzones Anakin immediately. Anakin less good in this scene vs. with Obiwan. But the tension here actually makes sense.  I wrote, “I’m OK with it.” Jarjar, man. Boo. 

Worm assassination attempt, city chase. 6. This was supposed to be a big sexy setpiece and I was not loving it. Pretty imagery - very bladerunner - but Anakin’s “not another lecture” and subsequent arrogance during the chase scene means I really can’t understand how the Jedi didn’t see this coming. He’s a total prick. On top of that, one basejump from a speeder down 500 feet to another moving speeder *might* have been excusable, but two? And Obiwan catching a lightsaber out of nowhere? Plus, we get bad alien cutscenes. They go to a bar and there’s robot football on in the background, and that’s just a SMH / facepalm type stupid easter egg. Wasn’t into the cigarettes / “death sticks” line that much either. Anakin as a detective is a “meh.” Just... lots of falling flat going on here. 

Jedi Council and Palpatine. 8. Obiwan tracks down the bountyhunter-assassin and Anakin gets to guard the Senator. So, I actually think this is starting to set up Anakin’s turn pretty well. Palpatine is subtly sowing confusion, discord in Anakin’s mind. The council shows serious flaws in trying to spy on Palpatine via Anakin. Palpatine can appeal to Anakin’s ego. Again, the Jedi really were pretty stupid, which I guess we just have to believe (and call-forward to Episode 8, Luke’s POV). 

Jarjar becomes senator. 3. Copy-pasting my notes: “bad. why is anakin monologuing? padme is just sitting there. anakin temper tantruming for no reason. anakin a little rapey.”

Refugees. 3. I skipped over this scene accidentally and that would have been appropriate. Anakin and Padme stilted banter is bad. “At least we have R2! ha, ha, ha!” Good music (as always, JW). 

Diner. 5. Obiwan goes to see an “old friend.” They give a big alien a mustache and have him talk like a Chicago line cook. Gimme a big “meh!” Gotta go to the outer rim to meet some cloners. hurray. 

Library. 7. Jedi archivist arrogance. The mystery deepens - no system is there where the cloners are supposed to be! zomg. But this is all fine, and almost decent with deepening the mystery. 

Padme and Anakin refugee dinner. 7. Kind of as painful as watching someone’s first date at a bar while waiting for a friend. “Attachment is forbidden but we’re encouraged to love unconditionally” and a bunch of other hoke. Anakin is persistent. Still, not a bad scene. 

Jedi training w/ Yoda. 7. A little hokey how Yoda asks the padawan kids to guess at why there’s no system in the archives. A bad yoda chin scratch. A little hokey, but good. 

Back on Naboo. 4. Good music. Dialogue between Anakin and Padme continues to be pretty rough. “Keep our faith in the republic.” More politics. Lake country. Anakin and Padme tension is dumb. 

Camino. 7. Bad name, cool scene. Good mystery unfolding... why is Obi-Wan expected? What are all these soldiers doing here, who ordered them, what’s going on? Kind of clunky revealing dialogue and the CGI is a bit out of hand but also decently cool. I wrote: “I’m OK with the secret army storyline.” 

Lake country on Naboo. 2-6.  Padme is smoking hot. Beautiful scenes here, but then we get this gem: "I don't like sand. it's coarse, rough, irritating... gets everywhere. Here, everything's soft and smooth." Anakin is such a douche. Padme lets him kiss her, but why? Not sure i'm buying this shit. Love song (Across the Stars) is amazing. Beautiful waterfall. But then they dissect their first kiss. mehhhhh. Let's talk politics at a picnic? No. "Make people agree." Anakin is authoritarian and sort of evil. How could she fall in love with this dude? Then he surfs a cow. No. Now they’re rolling around in the grass. No. No thanks.

Django and Boba on Camino. 8. One of the better and subtler scenes maybe in the whole series for acting. Obi-wan and Django do a great job of dancing around each other verbally while sizing each other up. 

Anakin-Padme Dinner / Wooing. 3. God, I wish I didn’t have so much to say about this tripe, but I do. I guess i'm fine with wooing Padme with Jedi tricks... But I still don't really buy the love story. And now we get lines like: "I'm in agony. the closer I get the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you." Suuuuuper creepy. “Haunted by the kiss you should have never given me.” “You are in my very soul tormenting me.” Honestly! This is like The Room. "THEN YOU DO FEEL SOMETHING!!!" Just a bad scene overall. Now Anakin is getting nightmares. "Your presence is soothing." Meh. Natalie Portman - did I mention she’s smoking hot? Anakin's mother is suffering in his nightmares, so he’s leaving to help her. Padme will go with him!? what the fuck. Bad lines too. Also callback to Luke leaving to help Han and Leia... I don’t know. Bad.

“Collect call.” 7. I believe this is the scene where Obi-Wan calls back to the council and Yoda or Samuel L. says their powers are diminished for not being able to see the creation of this clone army. Decent plotline, OK. 

Django Fett vs. Obi-wan fight. 6. Decent. Too much ledge-hanging and Jedi are too super-duper-heroey. Tracking Django is fine but looked hokey. 

Tatooine. 4. A fancy ship lands at Mos Eisley... man, they’re really going back to this well a lot. We see the stupid slave owner bug guy again and long story short, Anakin’s mom has been taken by the Tuskan Raiders. Time to kill some things. 

Obi-wan tracks Django. 6. Asteroid field again. Depth charges again. Supposed to be a good action setpiece but I’m distracted because there’s not supposed to be any cool noises in space. Fine with Obi-wan faking his death to avoid Django. Very pretty scenery and Obi-wan sneaks around some. Whatever. 

Anakin on the mother hunt. 1-7. Clever shadow of Anakin-as-Darth on the side of the building. Back to good music from Ep1. Finds his mom, and we’re back to bad dialogue. “Ani? Ani? Ani? Ani?” ... should feel something here, and don’t. The actor chemistry is just so bad, and I blame George. Still, Anakin going HAM is a good slip to the dark side. Hebrings his mom back dead, and proceeds to monologue shittily to Padme. "Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things. I'm good at fixing things.” Awful. “Why'd she have to die? Why couldn't i save her? I know I could have?” what the FUCK. Terrrrrrrrrible. "I killed them. I killed them all." "I'm a jedi, I know I'm better than this." OK, finally at the very end as he breaks down, some sort of decent turn in this scene.

Count Dooku. 4. Jesus, how long is this movie? We get a random weirdo trying to create a new treaty with the trade federation to oppose the Republic. TWIST! This is what the rebellion does, but they’re somehow good! Sigh. 

Yoda and Windu. 4. “Pain, suffering. Young Skywalker is in pain.” Whatever. 

Funeral, message. 4. Here’s what I wrote and I remember none of this: “Clete is fine. Not really buying the whole anakin thing with mom. anakin stay where you are and protect the senator! padme is a mess too.”

Senator scheming. 5. So blatant. Sometimes this plotline is really well done and sometimes is sucks. Could have given this a 3-5. 

Dooku and Obi-wan. 7. OK, we have an exposition-y scene where Dooku tries to recruit Obi-wan to his side. This scene saved by two very good actors giving a good performance. 

Jar Jar in Senate. 2. The worst thing the franchise ever did gets to deliver the vote that gives Chancellor supreme powers. Jar Jar is a f***in’ tw*t. And Chancellor creates the Grand Army of the Republic. 

Padme and Anakin on planet. 1.  Oh, right. Anakin was going to go find Obi-wan or some shit. Padme saving the day with her senate powers! mehhhhhh. C3PO and R2 engage in dumb banter, but not as bad as jarjar. We’re now on some kind of shop floor ... that’s a No. Padme is now running through stampers. No. Bad. Dumb. No. Anakin also dumb. No. bad. My reviewing devolves into 2-year-old level angry language. We see machines making machines. C3PO hangs off a ledge. R2 flies around... come on. Wow, this is so bad. Padme falls into a fucking steel boiler. NO. NO NO NO. Anakin’s lightsaber is cut in half and we get a terrible "Obi-wan's gonna kill me." BOOOOO. And now droids and the fucking bountyhunter show up. God, that was worthless. 

Padme and Anakin pre-Gladiator. 2.  Anakin gets to deliver this gem: “I’ve been dying each day since you came back into my life. I love you.” I don't feel this makes any sense. Except I guess it’s clear now, as i said at the beginning of the review, that Padme kinda sucks. “I truly deeply love you.” Why?

Gladiator Death Battle. 1. HOW LONG IS THIS MOVIE? Also: GOD, THIS IS HORRIBLE. The only good part is Obi-wan with some sarcasm, otherwise we have unnecessary zerg monsters and midriff-revealing claw slashes and general dumb gladiatorial action. The “bad feeling” line was terrible, worst of the series. And where did Padme get her fucking keys? 

Jedi save the day. 3. The Jedi look very hokey and stupid, to be honest, and they don’t look like very good fighters at the end of the day. Scores 3 for light sabers but otherwise it’s a 1 or 2 scene. What’s the end game here? Get surrounded and killed? Django vs. Mace Windu who cares. We get terrible Anakin and Padme cheesing, terrible C3PO humor, bad Jedi vs. Droids action, just all around shit. 

Clones save the day. 5.  Yoda arrives with clones to save the day. At least the plotline is somewhat nuanced - who is fighting who, who is good and who is not. This ambiguity is good. But nobody wanted to kill Dooku until he was already escaped? Sort of mediocre action. Soundtrack just sounds like the matrix. Why is yoda so into the fighting? He’s trying to protect the Republic, which he knows is eroded. The jedi sure fucked up.

Death Star Plans? 5. So having seen Rogue One, this doesn’t make any sense at all (continuity errors!) ... but the DS was actually a design from the Trade Federation, apparently? Not into this. George Lucas sucks and Dooku sucks. 

Dooku Chase. 7. God, I can’t wait for this to be over (the movie and the review). Padme falls out of the transport - OK. Obi-wan and Anakin argue and it’s good. Finally some good acting out of this guy. 

Dooku fight. 7-9. Notwithstanding that Dooku seems like a very unnecessary character, this climax is decent. Anakin’s an idiot apparently, and force lightning is apparently a big sith weapon. OK light saber fighting until double-lightsaber fighting, at which point it’s hard to follow the action. George is too busy focusing in on faces. And Yoda shows up. Huzzah. Fun to watch him with the light saber, maybe a bit too much spining around and Yoda ParkourTM, but why is he shouting? Aren’t Jedi supposed to stay calm? What happened to the Quigon meditation approach? Dooku esacpes. bleh. 

Dooku Sidious meeting. 8. It’s all going to plan, yes, yes. Who the fk is Lord Tyranus? Very good music. War has begun, cool. All to Sidious’s plan, no surprise. 

Yoda and Windu. 7.  "Victory you say? Not victory. The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun the clone war has." Meh. 

Clone Deploy. 9. The visuals of Star Destroyers lifting off and a huge army deploying is pretty cool. This is the highlight of this movie, which is sad. 

Secret Marriage on Naboo. 7. Very pretty shot, no dialogue is good, anakin has a fake arm, bad kissing. definitely not an “8″. 

Credits. 6. The tone of the ending music (traditional theme) is too upbeat. Should have taken a page (pre-emptively) from Rogue One’s book and used a quiet, somber theme. Gets there after a minute or so. Bleh. So glad this is over. 

VERDICT

Not memorable, not unique, and basically a handful of scenes could have done the job here instead of what felt like 5 hours of filler. Happy to forget this movie ever happened. It grades out on the histogram as mostly 7′s and an even distribution around 4 or 5, but really, the 7′s were often due to boredom or “meh” type scores. Very flat movie in experience, with only downside and very little upside. 

REVIEW LINKS:

Introduction: Star Wars, a rediscovery.

Rogue One: 6.92 / 10.00 (stdev 2.06).

Episode 4: A New Hope. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.34).

Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back. 8.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.29).

Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 5.00 / 10.00 (stdev 2.08). But probably worse than that, actually.

Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. 5.48 / 10.00 (stdev 2.07).

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith. 7.00 / 10.00 (stdev 1.77).

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. 7.90 / 10.00 (stdev 1.91).

Episode 7: The Force Awakens. 6.57 / 10.00 (stdev 2.01).

Episode 8: The Last Jedi. 6.31 / 10.00 (stdev 1.89).

Verdict: Star Wars, A rediscovery.