9/24/23 — 1:10am
theres a lot that happened within the past two days its insane. on the 22nd, i had to train this new associate for the whole day. he's rlly nice, and he's fun to talk to. he caught on really quick! im excited to work with him
also, that same day, i got back with my ex!!! it could be a dumb decision (because this is the 3rd time) but i really want things to work out. again, no one is going to know besides you... and... my coworkers, but thats different
the coworker that gave me his number, he gave me a note at work that says "im awkward so i dont know how to say this out loud, but i like you" and then taped a soda tab on it (it was the "hug" meaning one, which... i dont like but could be worse). so! ive told the new associate i have a boyfriend. im going to tell them i have a boyfriend, but im telling those im closest to at work that its because i dont want my worker to hit on me anymore
if he keeps going after that, i have to report him. im not letting someone get away with that, not this time.
i have to start standing up for myself... im just scared because of that teenager who got killed because she rejected her (adult) co-worker, im afraid its going to be me. this is the reason i dont like hearing abt death.
on another note, back to abt my boyfriend....
im writing this as soon as i ended the call with him. i miss him already. i wonder how and why my brain changes how i react to things because of a label. i feel so clingy. i want to talk to him more. he does make me happy, and i hope i make him happy too
oh, i also bought this candle... its supposed to "smell like london" and it says the scent is "afternoon biscuits and tea" so thats nice. i bought it to think of you, nd its nice that the color of the candle matches my room
oh last thing ! i took my permit drivers test and i passed it! feels so surreal because i never thought i was ever gonna end up driving but here we are lol
anyways i like this song
6:06am —
dude i couldnt fall asleep until like 4:30am and my mom woke me up at 5:30, screaming at me to find something i didnt have!!! i found it! and it was in her bag, a place she didnt look (because she only looked one place!!!!!!) at least i can sleep now, but idek if i can do that because i feel awake now. im going to sob. FUVKKK I HAVE A HEADACHE AND SINUS PAIN NOW IM GOING TO CRY DUDE. and the fact that she walked up the stairs to scream at me (she never walks up the stairs)???? ooo. im so mad bro! like im going to wake up whenever i have my alarms set and im going to punch a wall because i cant sleep without getting interrupted. IM PISSED TF OFF NOW bevause i havent had adequate sleep since my last off day (a week ago) and i dont have a lot of sleep for tomorrow because i have to wake up at 6am for an appointment thats 2hrs away. sure, ill sleep in the car, but with my mom? she wont let it happen. and i dont have another off day untl thursday, and i cant sleep in for that one either becahse i have another goddamn appointment in the morning. like, is this what being an adult is? being harrassed by coworkers, never having enough sleep, never able to fall asleep.... it cant be cause those all haopened when i was a teenager too. stuck in that cycle, though, and i cant wait for that cycle to finally end.
bad things always tend to happen to me. is it because i bring bad energy? AHHHHHHH i just need to scream cry
i am going to try to sleep now. I've rambled on for way too long
11:17pm
been incredibly sad today. i think it was my lack of sleep, or maybe it was my mom yelling at me and waking me up. still, my heart feels so ... heavy. i cant help but feel bad for people who love me. if i was them, i would choose anyone else to love endlessly. im undeserving of it all, anyway. i dont feel happy tonight. i hope tomorrow's better. i dont know what changed and made me feel this way because when i woke up and went to work, everything was fine until half way through my shift. it didnt really effect me, but them saying "oh, fun's over.. [my name]'s in a bad mood again.. everyone get away" keeps playing in my mind. it didnt affect me then, so i dont know why i keep thinking about it
i just want to fit on my roof and look at the moon, but its been rising really early so i dont think ill be able to see it now. ill watch some livestreams from space of the earth/the moon instead. something to comfort me while listening to music. i havent been able to watch any videos all the way through recently.. havent even been able to watch those gaming streams i like. hopefully ill feel better before i go to sleep
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Unfortunate Outcome
Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....
It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...
Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....
Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....
Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....
It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.
Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want
Idk what I need....
I know I dont need this constant bullshit
Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations
Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be
Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long
The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....
Doesnt matter where they go
Doesnt matter the time they let slip by
Hell it doesn't matter what they do .
In still feeling the same things
I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this
I live everyday waiting still
I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again
I literally feel myself slipping
I'm already dead because of them
Added with how I'm still feeling
I'm not sure of this feeling will subside
It's all mind consuming
I can't just stop about this
It's the one thing that no-one understands
The reason why I'm like this
The answer is simple
Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage
I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....
I didnt get closure
Instead I get the only thing that's never changed
Them leaving my life.....
Something promised against but in the end
They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......
It's hard living and feeling like this
I have no faith
I don't have confidence
I'm trying to find a purpose
But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....
They're just haunting to me now...
Only because of how and what I've done
You really think I can just magically become better
No.
It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here
Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring
Until I'm given that
I will not get better.
I will not heal
This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence
This isn't what I what wanted
None of this is
I don't want the depression
I dont care for the desire.
I just want to feel happy again.
I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......
I just wished someone would hear me out
After asking for three years now...
I cant just move on
God Damn it man
If they only knew just how bad I really am
I wonder if things would be different....
I wonder if anyone wouldve left....
I just want someone to be here for me
Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship
My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here
Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again
Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.
I don't trust anybody any more
I don't even crack a smile
You know who you are
The person im addressing anyway ..
I hope you're happy
I hope you feel accomplished at what you created
With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....
Idk how else to stress this fact
Because I cant get that little bit of respect....
When I shouldn't have been involved anyway
I should've walked away
I should've listened to the voice in my head
"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat
If I'd knew then what I knew now
I would've never showed up
I would have never existed
But its thanks to you ive gotten like this
Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me
Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.
Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..
Days I'm angry, I blame you
Days I'm depressed, It's your fault
Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.
Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.
It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....
I'm not fine
Im not ok
I'm suffocating myself
Its hard to not still be bitter....
How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....
Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....
You wound up treating me the same
This is my unfortunate outcome
Its been a battle especially the last two years
I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain
Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you
The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back
I already know how it's to be
Its why I never understood you
But I still kept trying to
Maybe that was my mistake
Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....
Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....
Its ruined
We're ruined
Were gone....
The end....
Hope you're doing well.....
Sorry for being impulsive and annoying
I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.
Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....
Wishing you luck on your endeavors
Ill miss you
I have been already
Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.
It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.
I just idk how to be ok.....
I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence
As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....
Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...
Respond or don't respond
Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.
Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....
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