#between autism physical disability and gender identity

[contagious-watermelon]

It's interesting to me that understandings of transsexuality have been almost exclusively filtered through the lens of queerness and the social aspects of gender. In other words, that the "T" was added to "LGBT." I've thought for a while that in a lot of cases, transness — and specifically dysphoria — makes a lot more sense when analyzed through the lens of disability rather than through queerness. (Personally I see it as being at the intersection between those things.)

I think that a theory of transsexuality would be incomplete without taking into account the societal aspects of gender, yes, but it seems to be similarly incomplete in the popular understanding of it.

I've seen a lot of discussion in the stuff I've read by disabled people about the contention between being objectively harmed or, well, disabled, by your disability, but still wanting to be proud of it or finding identity in it regardless. A lot of autistic communities, I've noticed, talk a lot about the fact that being autistic is difficult; it's made worse by other people's reactions to it, but it still is hard on its own (e.g. auditory overstimulation); yet people still can say that they'd rather be autistic than not. Or they may say they wish they weren't, but that they've come to terms with it because it's not exactly changeable.

Point is, there's open discussion about the differences between inherent challenges to your disability regardless of society, the ways which ableism makes things more difficult, and the contention of finding identity and community in your disability despite that. (And I use autism as an example because I'm autistic; I don't want to speak for, say, a physically disabled community as I'm able-bodied. But I have seen similar discussions there as well.)

The trans community, as I've seen, doesn't really have that. We're polarized between the extremely self-hating people who think that being trans is a curse and that people who like being trans are just fakers co-opting transness, and the toxically positive contingent who refuse to engage with the fact that sometimes dysphoria really does just hurt. And also that transphobia exists.

There's also the fact that in many ways, dysphoria is actually disabling. It isn't for everyone, and part of the problem is that transness as a concept covers so many things that analyzing it through just one lens will always be incomplete, but for me at least it caused me a lot of depression and dissociation, and made it difficult-to-impossible to interact with other people or function at my classes. Back before I medically transitioned, I related a lot to some descriptions by disabled people about their chronic pain, because my dysphoria effectively was chronic psychological pain. I don't want to say it's the same thing, because obviously I've only experienced one of those things, and dysphoria has a treatment while many (all?) chronic illnesses don't, but nevertheless it was a comforting lens to think of my dysphoria through in the time before I got top surgery.

Also of note is the way both our communities are treated by the medical establishment. I've heard many horror stories by disabled people of how doctors simply refuse to diagnose them or give them issues with their meds. Trans people obviously also have to deal with the shit that doctors put out in order to get access to HRT and any necessary surgeries. People deride HRT, saying that we shouldn't take it because it'll "make you a medical patient for life." People act like mental pain isn't real — calling depression fake, acting like because things like fibromyalgia aren't "real pain" that it shouldn't bother you so much, etc. — and that extends too into the way they dismiss the pain of gender dysphoria.

So, I don't really understand why the trans community has taken so many pains to disavow themselves from being considered even remotely similar to disabled people. I know that the common refrain, "we're not mentally ill!" is meant to combat the idea that we're deluded into thinking that we're a "different gender" than we really are, but the effect is throwing actually mentally ill trans people under the bus. The insistence that there's no way that dysphoria should be considered a disorder because there's nothing wrong with us — I just think that we could take a hint or two from the way that disabled people theorize about this subject.

[winreyplace]

Intro: Sean Renard

My Name: Sean Emile Renard My Personality: I possess lawful, gracious, and fastidious qualities. I'm one of the more reserved members of the family, preferring to carefully listen to others before expressing my own thoughts. My discerning palate and polished demeanor has at times gotten me called pretentious or overly particular, but I take it all in stride with a good-natured attitude when teased for those behaviors. My Birthday: October 21st, 1981 Species/Cultural Identity: Half-Zauberbeist Half-Human My Gender Orientation: I am a Neutrois man* and prefer masculine words and pronouns My Sexuality: Aromantic Asexual My Disabilities/Conditions: Autism Physical Description: I stand at 6 feet 4 inches tall, a stature that often draws attention. My eyes are a clear green, set beneath a brow that's framed by ash-brown hair, cropped short for a neat appearance. My skin is fair, untouched by excessive sun exposure. My build is substantial and sturdy, with broad shoulders tapering slightly to a narrower waist, creating a subtle V-shape that speaks to both strength and proportion. Overall, my physique could be described as robust but comfortable. My Relationships: Boyfriend: Nick Burkhardt; QPPs: Logan Noble and James ‘Howlett’. Other Intimate relationships: Damien G******-Sprinkles, Butler, Sara, and Theo Raeken. I’m also Renny to both Lav and Mel in both a parental and kink capacity as requested. My Hobbies/Interests: I enjoy reading, logic puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, BDSM roleplay scenario planning, bookkeeping, grooming, and a little bit of coin collecting. My Canon Backstory:

I was born a royal bastard my father was the king of Kronenburg (a small country in North America), and my mother was the Hexenbeist he was smitten with. We were forced to flee to the United States when his wife swore to kill us both, where I was raised and educated in the ways of both human and Wesen. I went on to exercise my ambitions by working my way up the ranks in Portland's police department (a career I have thoroughly denounced since then) as a way to maintain a royal influence on the local Wesen population. I spent the last few years of my canon life alternating between antagonist and grudging ally to Nick and his friends. Mel and Lav took me partway through my canon show, though I still have many hazy exomemories of later points in my canon self's story that I did not personally experience. My Bond Backstory: I was having lunch one day in my world when Nick showed up suddenly (notably after calling in a few vacation days and disappearing without a trace) with a young lady and introduced her to me as Mel. I had a peculiar sensation at the time of meeting her that I did not fully understand, and it made me suspicious. I pressed Nick to explain exactly who she was and why she was here, and he stammered through an explanation of munbonding and parallel worlds that barely made sense, but I couldn't help being intrigued. As someone who liked to be fully aware and in control of all avenues of power at my disposal, missing an opportunity to take advantage of the situation was inadmissible. I later understood that the parallel world Nick was referring to was both Winrey Place and the world that Lav and Mel lived in that we could visit through "fronting" in their bodies, and that the peculiar sensation inside me was the pull of a potential munbond. It was an interesting first few days where I learned a lot all at once. I will admit that walking into the situation I did wasn't my first choice at the start. I had built up enough networks and prestige in Portland that retiring from it all and leaving it behind would have been unthinkable, were it not for that first moment of settling into bed with the girls and being truly seen for who I was and who I was meant to be, reaching right into my soul. It was…inspiring. The Beast inside me wanted it and craved to possess it, and I realized a whole new way to meet the goals I'd pursued for so long. And over time, the hunger for power and control gave way to, well, a hunger for love, food, and a unique family I never thought I was meant to have.

[the-crystalized-cosmos]

Welcome to The Crystalized Cosmos

[PT: Welcome to The Crystalized Cosmos /end PT]

This is a place for us to coin terms, share our wordmojis, as well as just kinda do our own thing. Everything will be tagged, so if you don't want to see one of those, feel free to block that tag. Most of the terms we use are easily found upon googling, but feel free to ask what something means! General Heads up that we are not consistent! We may post several things at once, then nothing for a week. Energy varies, we'll be back soon enough.

There's a lot more under the cut, including a general "About Us" section, BYF/DNI, how we handle various accessibility features, and a general overview of our tagging system. Fair Warning it is long, but sectioned to help against some of the visual overwhelmingness.

Pronouns and general info can be found on our pronouns.cc (pronouns.cc link). All terms and flags are free to use by anyone. Anyone can make an alt flag/synonym for our term. Please just give us credit for the original coining.

[ID: A thin light red line. /End ID]

About Us

[PT: About us /End PT]

We're a system primarily made up of 2 side systems and a large sparsystem, and a second sparsystem. We're a mediple mixed origin specutien system, however specifics differ between sisasystems. Our overall host (and main blog keeper) is Zev, who has been frontstuck most of our life. Overall we're trans nonbinary genderfluid, aspec omni, and polyamorous, though obviously this differs by headmate. We're also intersex.

We are both neurodivergent and physically disabled in several ways. This includes Autism and ADHD, Multiple Personality Disorders, RSD, a Tic Disorder, Breathing Problems, and more. We are currently a nearly full time cane user (full time when not home, part time at home), and are a part time AAC user due to speech and typing ability loss episodes.

More info on individual blog keepers can be found at on our pronouns.cc (pronouns.cc link) but it is a huge wip currently, so be warned.

[ID: A thin light yellow line. /End ID]

BYF: (Before You Follow)

[PT: BYF: (Before You Follow) /End PT]

Our "Before You Follow" list is a list of our identities/beliefs that may make you want to not interact with us, however we have no rules around any interactions revolving things on this list.

We are bodily an adult

We are not comfortable using Tulpa for our created headmates in any way, however do not care if someone else uses it.

There will probably be cussing on this page. It will be tagged, but you've been warned.

We reclaim slurs, a lot. We, collectively and as individuals, find them important to our identity. They will be tagged, but not TW or CW.

[ID: A thin light green line. /End ID]

DNI/DNF: (Do Not Interact/Do Not Follow)

[PT: DNI/DNF: (Do Not Interact/Do Not Follow) /End PT]

Anti Endos, Sysmeds

Anyone fine with sharing anti-endo rhetoric/post into spaces that are supposed to be safe spaces for endos. We're fine if you interact (comment, reblog, etc), but don't want you following. An exception is wikis and archive blogs. This rule is loose, and we are more lenient on it, but trust our personal moderation for us best.

Anti Mspec Monos (bi lesbian, omni turian, etc)

Anti Lesboys, Turigirls, etc

Don't believe being any form of Aspec or Intersex is inherently queer on its own.

Anti Xeno- or otherwise Neo- genders, Anti Neopronouns or other form of Pronoun Nonconformity (She/Her Gays, He/Him Nonbinary, etc)

Believe non-physical disabilities belong in cripple punk (I will not debate what counts as physically disabled. If you use the label physically disabled, you can be a part of cripple punk, if you do not, you are not a part of it).

Radqueer/TransID (TransID in the Radqueer way specifically, not from the communities they stole terms from)

Generally a bigot (Homophobic, Transphobic, Racist, Ableist, you get the point)

We reserve the right to block whoever we want for any reason we want (and do), and encourage you to do the same.

[ID: A thin light blue line. /End ID]

Accessibility

[PT: Accessibility /End PT]

Plain Text:

Plain text is text that a screen reader can read without breaking, and in Tumblr is needed for everything that is not regular text (like this), a list format, and indented text.

We add plain text in the following format you've seen throughout this post which is [PT: example /End PT]. We also make it indented for easier visual separation.

"Why do you bother using formats if you have to write plain text?"

We mostly use plain text for Header formats. This is because headers help us not get visually overwhelmed when reading our posts, and make it easier for us to read.

Image Descriptions:

An Image Description is a text describing what an image looks like. We will primarily do these for flags, emojis, and dividers as we don't plan to post any other pictures (but will describe all images we post).

Image Descriptions follow the format you've seen in this post, and look like the following [ID: example /End ID], and are indented for easy visual separation.

"Why don't you use alt text?"

We don't use alt text for a few reasons! 1: it commonly breaks on tumblr, while in-post IDs don't. 2: we actually find them inaccessible! While we don't need them for most posts, images with a lot of words are inaccessible to us, as we cannot highlight to keep track of words, and cannot read it otherwise. Alt text is not highlightable! So it is just as inaccessible to us as the image itself for us.

Dividers and Headers:

As mentioned, and as you have likely noticed, we use both dividers and headers a lot in our posts. While we understand this isn't the most accessible to screen readers, we tend to get very visually overwhelmed when looking at long posts without separation. Headers and Dividers make finding parts of a post fast, easy, and mean we can read back our own posts. But as stated we always transcribe these for screen readers, and keep it simple too avoid overwhelming everyone.

TQs:

This is a section we will add to, once we've decided how we plan to handle this.

However, some of us do have involuntary TQs, and it causes us the same pain to translate in the moment as it does trying to force a not scribal headmate to type. It doesn't work.

They are allowed to make posts here. This is not debatable. We are currently trying to figure out the best accessibility option on posts, that doesn't require completely erasing their TQs, as that is a part of them and deserves as much recognition as a member not being able to talk or type.

These posts will be tagged, and we understand sometimes access needs are incompatible. However, if you will be pissy about this, get out. We will not debate the validity of what you think members "can" do, or "should" do.

[ID: A thin light purple line. /End ID]

Tagging Format

[PT: Tagging Format /End PT]

This is not a comprehensive list of common tags on post, but just general guide to how we tag stuff.

Poster:

Each post will be signed by who posted it with a dash (-) after the hashtag and before the name (ex: #-Zev). If multiple folks post together, each name will be separate (ex: #-Scribs #-Adrian). You may also see roles if it's from just most or all of the folks who have that role (ex: #-NPD Holders).

Along with this, you may see #-Translator for some folks who cannot type on their own. We wont put who the translator was as to keep the focus on who created the post, whether they typed it or not.

We also tag reblogs as #-Reblog and add the member who reposted it (so if Zev reblogs something, you'll see both #-Reblog and #-Zev)

Accessibility Tags:

We tag posts as either #Has PT or #Needs PT if they have or need plain text respectively. Same with #Has ID or #Needs ID.

We will tag any posts we suspect of being eyestrain-y as #Eyestrain. This helps us immensely, and helps a lot of others too. However despite being heavily affected, we may miss something. If you find something eyestrain-y that we do not tag, please either send us an ask or message us! Preferably with the link.

We also plan to tag any posts with a non screen reader safe Typing Quirk as #TQ and #No PT.

We will not be posting any videos with jump scares or flashing lights, and therefore do not have tags for them.

Please let us know if we need to tag anything else for accessibility!

Slurs and Cussing:

We will not tag usage of slurs with a TW or CW. We will instead tag them as #Reclaimed Slur as well as the slur itself like #Cripple.

We do not tag individual cuss words, nor do we tag these as a TW or CW, but just tag them in general as #Cussing.

Creations:

We plan on coining terms (as well as flags to go with most if not all the flags), as well as wordmojis (emojis of words) that we use for communication. While we don't actively advertise requests, we are willing to at least contemplate requests (and very likely to do it for wordmojis, terms take more energy).

We will tag terms as #Terms, flags as #Flags, wordmojis as #Wordmojis and #Custom Emoji. They will also be tagged as other things related to it (so queer centered wordmojis will be tagged as #queer wordmojis and what the actual words are such as #lesbian wordmojis).

However #Terms, #Flags, and #Wordmojis are good things to search if you're looking for something here!

Bonus Tags!

#Hazrds Hoard - Hazards identities #I refuse to be silent - Blade's (mostly punk) stuff

Other Things To Look Out For:

This blog will likely have bug talk, and bug pics, tagged as #Bugs #TW Bugs #Bug Talk and #Bugs #TW Bugs #Bug Pics respectively.

We are also likely to posts Vents (#Venting), and Complaints (#Complaining) so feel free to block that if you want. (Vent is more heavy than complaints, complaints tend to be little things that annoy us).

We also tag especially system/plurality focused posts as #Pro Endo and #Endo Safe.

Again, this is not an exhaustive list, but might help some folks better filter content.

[chroniccoolness]

do you know any disabled people irl? what about online?

what's something good that's come out of being disabled?

does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

how do you measure your energy? (spoons, battery, something else?)

whats something youve come up with or integrated into your life that makes disability easier, besides typical aids?

Here :]]

do you know any disabled people?:

i do ! @seagull-spouse is my irl friend (i don't remember if I've showed u this blog before.... this is Nico) and also disabled :3 additionally i have an ADHD friend, multiple autistic-ADHD friends, a friend who constantly teeters between being legally blind and not, and a general wide distribution of mental illness in my friend group (though I don't know who personally considers themselves disabled by their MI and who doesn't). my brother is also autistic, though he.... forgets that most of the time. online i have disabled friends + mutuals as well ! far too many to list lol

whats something good:

it's shown me who is willing to stick by me and who isn't. there's a world of difference between the friend I used to have who, upon finding out I was autistic, screamed in my ear on purpose and called me a "mental cripple", and my current best friend (hellooo elliott) who sits and bitches with me about the curse of Knees or my boyfriend who refuses to let me feel bad about having symptoms around him (and I've got. a Lot of symptoms).

it also makes me extremely hot /j

does disability affect other aspects of identity:

yes ! it does ! my autism affects my gender, bc it really fucks my internal perception of feelings, to the point I identify as autigender. my chronic fatigue, chronic pain and mental disorders all affect my identity as an artist, as they both influence the art I make (the subjects im called to, the things that resonate with me, what im physically capable of doing) and how often/easy it is for me to do. art is really important to me, and disability Does impact it greatly.

how do you measure your energy?:

battery ! how much battery I feel like I have when I wake up, how much each big task costs me, how much i have at the end of the day, how much i can lose before i have a flare or meltdown or fatigue crash, etc. it makes sense to me.

whats something youve come up with to make disability easier?

just. Sit On The Floor . if it's not noticeably dirty or going to get me in trouble, it is a floor I will sit on. father is in a long line in the store? i step out of the line, sit on the floor, wait for him to be done. standing in the shower is too hard? floor shower. teachers not looking in science class and standing at lab tables is making me insane? sit on the floooooor for a sec. it has improved my life tenfold. (I also sit down in chairs or on tables/counters/other flat surfaces whenever possible.)

[void-galaxy-healing-journey]

Pinned Post

¡Hey hi hello! My name is Nico, & we’re the Void Galaxy. We’re a traumagenic D.I.D. system. This blog is just for original content, especially realizations we’ve had along our healing journey.

I might add FAQs later on, but until then, have some info on me/us to start this new blog up ☺💜 ~Nico

⛓️⛓️⛓️⛓️

Gender:

Collective Identity: transgender + non binary (variations between headmates on fem or masc, but none of us are women, even our fem enbies are not women)

Collective Pronouns: he/they/xey on paper, but if used in good faith we accept some alternate pronouns

Collective Gender Expression: androgynous overall, but sometimes we go more intentionally fem or masc

Personal Identity (Nico): boyflux / masc nonbinary

Personal Pronouns: (Nico): he/they + a list of neo & old English pronouns (I have a list)

Gender Expression (Nico): varies day to day tbh. some days I'm intentionally androgynous but my Safe Outfit™ (tism) is relatively masc (t-shirt, button down, form-fitting sweatpants; t-shirt is a plural pride one).

⛓️

¿Transition?:

Social: Yes, already did 5+ years ago

Medical: on T (May 2nd 2023), want surgeries for ourself, but don’t believe it’s obligatory for others. also I/we want the body to look intersex because that’s what it was supposed to be, so we’re not aiming for cisman appearance.

Legal: In progress. Name changed, but want to update gender marker & birth certificate when possible.

((we don’t believe any of this is necessary to be trans or nonbinary, just comfortable sharing what we wanted to/are doing for ourself))

⛓️

LGBA+/Queerness:

Collective Orientation: “I dunno, queer? leaning t4t?” (difficult to generalize)

Personal Orientation (Nico): technically I lean t4t & I’m still aspec (demi/demiro; T shifted us a little further from full acearo territory but not out of aspec entirely), but simply put ‘no matter what your gender is, I’m gay for you’

Polyam/Non-Mono/Mono: Polyam collectively, but how many partners we individually attract to/would date varies

⛓️

Physical Disabilities:

⛓️

Mental Illness/Disabilities & Neurodivergence (AKA what we’re growing & healing through/may post about):

Autism/ADHD: Both, & both are professionally diagnosed (finally 😭) - includes Sensory Processing Disorder

Professionally Diagnosed: bipolar disorder (we only noticed depression thanks to amnesia & slower swings, until psychiatrist dx & medicated); complex PTSD (on paper as just PTSD because complex isn't in the DSM-V (hopefully will be in the next rendition)); Dissociative Identity Disorder/D.I.D. (or as Spirit (headmate) puts it (combining OSDD-1 & D.I.D.), ‘Dissociative Amnesia with Plurality’)

Diagnosis/Professional Investigation In Progress: eating disorder (unspecified); anxiety disorder (unspecified); synesthesia

⛓️

General Rules:

- Hateful replies will be deleted & blocked

- Hateful asks, anon or otherwise, will be deleted & blocked. This doesn’t include poorly worded questions attempting to understand.

- Ask box is open to questions, even if you don’t think you can word it respectfully. If you’re wondering it, someone else may be too. We will decide whether to answer & what’s comfortable, so you don’t need to quiet your curiosity. (We may do ask games if requested later on.)

- This is a personal blog. None of this is to be taken as professional advice, & we can’t diagnose people. That said, if you think you might have something we have, it’s okay to ask about potential coping skills for symptoms/traits you struggle with & it’s okay to ask what next steps to take if you just found out you’re plural or neurodivergent. Please note that our advice will likely include ‘please go to a medical/mental health professional if you can’ (we do understand that financial, racial, or other socioeconomic barriers might stop you).

- You can ask us for song recommendations if desired, but we won’t be responsible for feelings that music gives you if you choose to ask or listen.

- We can’t and won’t share or boost donation posts on this blog. This is a space for us to share original content & our healing journey. Please do not ask. We don’t think you deserve to suffer or struggle, but we cannot help.

- We are not responsible for misunderstandings of any of our content. We post what we feel & think. You read through your own lenses, & may miss pieces or interpret unintended meanings.

- Not everything that traumatized us will traumatize others. PTSD forms due to surrounding circumstances as well. Many of our “small”/“inconsequential” traumas became PTSD because we did not have community, support, love, appropriate attention, etc. afterwards. In some cases we were outright gaslit, shamed, guilt tripped, invalidated, &/or minimized. No, you don’t have to be traumatized by the same things. We won’t accept invalidation here either.

⛓️⛓️⛓️⛓️

[idkimnotreal]

maybe a very unpopular opinion, i do find myself becoming more conservative as i age into my 20s (or grow, i don't know if i'm aging yet?).

i think nonbinary people have some traits of narcissism. it's about thinking you're more important than other people. like thinking you have any right to demand being called some other pronoun because you feel slightly different. i believe some transgender people are right to feel the way they feel, because i don't think i have a right to tell them anything about themselves more than them. but i also believe transgender identity should only be considered when there is disrupting (in any degree, but disrupting) gender dysphoria in the person's life.

like, there's a lot of discussion over whether people couldn't just be feminine/masculine men or women rather than trans people? and i think when there is gender dysphoria, that's not correct, you should transition if you have experienced that for a certain length of time without interruption (say, a few years). but i think nonbinary identity is a grey area because you could theoretically just be cis and dress differently and still be cis. it's a matter of semantics - language rather than things. it's like it doesn't matter.

i'm a very reserved and discreet person and i can't see myself demanding to be treated a certain way from people in any case. i'm autistic and i'm very, very reluctant to tell that to people in order to ask for anything. in brazil, we have special seats on the bus that certain groups of people can use, including autistic people (and pregnant women, seniors, disabled people). most people don't respect that and just use them anyway. i never do, and i could. i think, hey - maybe someone needs it more than i do. i do my very best to hold things until i'm about to burst and then i ask people for something using the "autism card". because i don't think i have a right to disrupt people's lives over my own suffering. to cause them to suffer, even if slightly, because i don't want to suffer. it's a tradeoff and i don't think mine is worth more than theirs.

that's what sounds odd to me about nonbinary people. it's the assumption that feeling that way is enough for you to be noteworthy. it's not. please understand that people don't hate you because they get your pronouns wrong because you look like a man or a woman. if you ask me to, i will use whatever you want (i feel like asking for pronouns first is more scripted interaction that i don't need, and gender expression has a purpose; if you're very androgynous i'll ask first because i have a reason). it's just that, most of the time, i don't think it would end there and most nb people would keep making demands to be treated right. it's a toxic vibe.

i'm very interested in some psychological/psychiactric disorders and cluster b disorders are some of them. maybe i'm wrong, but i intuitively see a lot of overlap between "that part" of the left and narcissism. it's all me, me, me. why do you want to be so special? i could never think of myself like that. you know, maybe i envy you. but i still couldn't.

(brazil has universal and free public healthcare that offers gender transition service. i'm in favour of the maintenance of this policy and i'd also like for it to be benefitted whenever the system receives larger funding. i'd bet more than half of brazilians wouldn't approve of the system even offering this service at all, if they knew about it, which most people don't as it doesn't concern them. but this fits in my view about transgender identity being about gender dysphoria. it's an actual issue people go through that affects and disrupts their lives and, when the only solution has been proven to be transitioning, then we should help those people transition. medicine is about alleviating suffering, mental or physical. but gender dysphoria is a condition, like autism is. i don't pretend that it isn't, and it makes me uncomfortable that some people today think that autism is an identity first instead of an identity through lived experience, like being gay; this is the same kind of thinking that prevails with nonbinary gender, that it's an issue of identity rather than a condition or a trait that results in a distinct identity because one stands out)

[chaoticautie]

Unusually specific struggles that I’ve dealt with as an afab autie

Being hyperverbal because “women talk more than men” and i had to be talkative in a lot of social situations growing up, especially in school or family functions

Being dismissed as cognitively disabled because I’m afab

Masking a LOT

Gender confusion

Having several comorbid mental illnesses

Chronic and severe identity crises

Being distressed and dysphoric when I hit puberty and having even more sensory overload when my body was changing & when I got unwarranted attention for it

Being easily emotionally and/or physically taken advantage of by NTs, especially cis men

Being in a lot of toxic or abusive relationships with NTs

Very strained relationship with NT parents, especially my mother

“I’m not like other girls!” Baby you’re literally autistic and all of those girls are NT, of course you’re not

Being LGBT+ and wondering if it’s because of my autism

Struggling profoundly with the concept of romance & romantic social cues, even though I’m a hopeless romantic

Just,, NOT relating to NT girls at ALL

Being treated like a pet by NT girls in school

Always being viciously bullied, excluded & ostracized in school

Being invalidated because I’m afab, even though I’ve been diagnosed

Being diagnosed late because I’m afab

Finding a bra that is affordable, fits perfectly right and is 100% comfortable is like finding a needle in a giant haystack, in the dark, and you’re also blind, and the haystack is on fire

^^^ Binders are also often uncomfortable too and cause breathing problems, and finding the right binder is even harder than finding the right bra because you need one that fits right, is affordable, is comfortable, flattens your chest just right and won’t cause long-term damage

Extremely hyperempathetic to a T and it makes me burn out and become very apathetic for certain periods of time

Very nurturing and viciously protective of children, even kids that aren’t related to me to the point that I’ve had to mentally restrain myself from drop kicking a shitty parent when I see them mistreating their small child in the grocery store

^^^ Being EXTREMELY and unnaturally fiercely protective of autistic children in particular and wanting to give them the entire world and beyond

School & work are hell, enough said

Finding a good job you like is rough, and it’s worse when you’re not in college and have no degree and have to choose between fast food, retail, and factory work

Interviews are torture,, like PLEASE just hire me, I’m a hard worker and need money we don’t need to go over this trivial bullshit

Not being taken seriously

Being faulted for when I don’t allow people to walk all over me when I’m assertive or aggressive, but also being faulted if I’m passive because I get taken advantage of easily but I only allow it to happen because I get faulted if I do assert myself, it’s a horrid and really vicious cycle

Just literally being afab & autistic in an NT cishet white male dominated society is hell, especially when you have to shield yourself from the invisible double-edged misogyny + ableism sword

[capricorn-0mnikorn]

On the last day of Queer Pride Month,🌈 and the Eve of Disabled Pride Month ♿🐉

Here’s a post I originally made on r/lgbt, back in May, with slight edits:

Being Disabled in the [Gender, Sexual, and Relationship Minority] (LGBTQIA+) Community

This is a tricky thing to talk about. On the one hand, the GSRM community has fought long and hard against any link between our identities and orientations and physical or psychiatric illnesses, and so many folk in the community are leery of any association with Disability.

And on the other hand, heteronormativity itself demands that you not only desire the "right kind of people" in the "right kind of way," but that you be the "right kind of person" to be desired. Your intimate relationships could be as straight as a flagpole and as vanilla as soft serve from the mall's food court, but if your body and/or mind falls too far outside the bounds of normativity, your sex and your gender will be seen as "kinky" by the mainstream.

And so, many Straight Disabled people (but certainly not all) are also leery of any association with Gender, Sexual, and Romantic Minorities. Outside the small corner of Disability Studies in Academia, there's little discussion of gender, orientation, or relationships in those places where disabled people go for support and services.

Yet Disabled GSRM people exist. It's kind of like  Schrödinger's identity: Disability and GSRM identities exist independently of each other (Nothing about being GSRM is pathological, and nothing about being Disabled 'causes' someone to be GSRM). But they're also deeply linked; how we understand who we are and how we relate to other people is  shaped by how others treat us.

For example, I'm not Aroace, Panalterous, and (aspirationally) Polyamorous because I'm disabled. But, because of how people have acted around me as a disabled person, I spent the first 52 years of my life convinced I was the Token Straight Ally™ in nearly every one of my friend groups. 🙄

Also, in general, Disabled people share a lot of common experiences with GSRM folk:

 We're likely to be minorities within our own families

 We're apt to face the same prejudices at home as we do in the "outside world"

There's often a sense of shame around disabilities, and families are often reluctant to admit they have a disabled family member

There's often gaslighting of the Disabled family member, especially if they're a minor ("You're just lazy," "You're just complaining about how hard it is, because you want attention," "There's nothing wrong with you, it's just growing pains," "You're faking," "You wouldn't be bullied in school, if you tried harder to fit in," etc.).

And there's often pressure to "cure" the disability, even when there is no cure, so that if you're a kid, any free time you might otherwise have is taken up with therapies (Did you know that Applied Behavior Analysis -- a "treatment" for autism -- uses the same techniques as Conversion Therapy?)

Disabled people are often reliant on those ableist family members to get access to the outside world (needing parents to drive the wheelchair van, cancel the therapy appointment so there can be time for something else). And social events designed to be accessible to different disabled people are often run by church groups, or other organizations who have a homophobic (and transphobic) bent.

So even though I understand (and empathize with) the GSRM Community's reluctance to associate itself with the Disability Community, I wish it weren't so. Because it makes Pride Month all the more ironically isolating when the events and venues aren't accessible.

---

That’s where I’d ended the original post. But I’ve since had a “post-script thought” that’s less generous to the Normate Queer community:

Historically (at least from what I’ve witnessed) a lot of Queer Culture is celebrating the ✨Absolute Fabulousness✨ of the human body, and human sexuality. I know this is in response to, and a repudiation of, the cultural attitude that we are “Filthy” and “Shameful.”

But it also means that the presence of Disability, in the middle of all that celebration, is an awkward challenge to that -- with bodies that drool, and slump, spasm and get fatigued, with voices that stutter, or go silent, with minds that turn foggy.

And that makes it so much easier to “forget” that disabled queer people exist.

But a slogan popped into my head that might become an art piece for next year’s Pride Month(s):

Disabled Queers: Queering Queerness.

[writesistersociety]

Writing Disability and Neurodivergency

Writing Disability and Neurodivergency- Some simples Dos and Don’ts from a Person who is Both

Diverse representation in media is extremely important, and it’s more than just skin color or sexual/gender identity. Disability and neurodivergency are often grossly misrepresented in media, if they get represented at all. As an allistic, able-bodied, cishet woman, I’m constantly striving to put more diverse representation in my stories, but sometimes it gets scary! I’m a bad researcher, what if what I look up is wrong? When I’m so nervous about it, how do I know the line between accuracy and othering? 

I want to be able to represent these often marginalized and overlooked groups in a respectful way that doesn’t put my perception of them over what they feel and really are, so I talked to my friend @Franzidoeseverything on Instagram, and this is the rundown that thon gave me: 

“Word of advice, hold the opinions of someone living with the condition they’re talking about higher than someone who has a similar issue, but not the same thing. For example, I can’t talk about what it’s like to be in a wheelchair, but someone in a wheelchair who doesn’t have EDS cannot talk about what it’s like to have EDS. Same goes for neurodiversity, I can educate about autism but not ADHD.

NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS (Specifically Autism)

Don’t make them super weird or strange in unnecessary ways, but don’t try to make them as “normal” as possible. Stimming, being overwhelmed, shut downs, meltdowns, and things to accommodate sensory needs are normal for us, and they should be portrayed as such. Portraying them as weird, strange, or unnatural is gross. But simultaneously don’t make us as “neurotypical” as possible, don’t hide the less flattering sides of it, don’t hide the joy either.

Always avoid person first language. Say “autistic people” not “people with autism.” Make sure you’re using the right vocabulary.

Autistics aren’t robots, geniuses, or “special needs.” We’re disabled because our brains function differently in some ways.

All of our needs are different. Some autistics are nonverbal, some are hyper verbal, etc. We are not cookie cutters, we are just as unique, diverse, and individual as NTs. 

ALWAYS avoid stereotypes like Sheldon cooper and such.

Try your best to portray positive aspects of neurodiversity as actually positive. For example: “They were so overcome with joy about the news they couldn’t hold in from flapping their hands and jumping, a pure, unfiltered expression of happiness” is a better way to portray stimming than “Overcome with the news they couldn’t hold it in, as hard as they tried, and ended up flapping and jumping, which earned them some stares from everyone in the room.”

DISABILITY 

Everyone experiences pain differently. A wonderful, accurate, description of pain that comes to mind is the the beginning chapters of Misery by Stephen King. We usually have many different types of pain, caused by different things, and can sometimes distinguish between them.

We have good days and bad days, the good days are minimal pain (not none). The bad days are baddd. Learn about spoon theory, we use it to describe ourselves very frequently. 

DONT EVER CURE IT. DONT CURE PHYSICAL DISABILITIES OR NEUROLOGICAL. DONT DO IT. It’s horribly offensive and should always be avoided. Obvious exceptions for curable illnesses.

A disability will impact every single aspect of life, keep that in mind. For example, I have a lot of tooth issues due to EDS. 

Make sure your disabled character (physical or neurological) isn’t being infantilized by you. By other characters in order to make a point is fine, but as an author don’t forget disabled people smoke, drink, date, have a sex life, swear, get angry, get sad, feel joy, and every other aspect of life

Disabled characters should be in everything, even just as a background character, as long as they don’t exist for white saviorism or to make the main character look better. If you’re writing a piece with an emphasis on a disabled character, you have an ABSOLUTE DUTY to represent that community well or you cannot write that character. If you’re writing an autistic character, you bet your butt you’re personally gonna spotlight autistics, listen to them, and speak out against Autism $peaks.We aren’t inspiring for living day to day lives, stop the inspiration porn.”

Some general stereotypes to avoid:

Crazy/psycho ND character

Genius autistic

Sad good-for-nothing disabled character

Only there for inspiration disabled character

Only there to make another character look good disabled character

Only representing autistic children (it’s lifelong)

Saying “multiple personalities” instead of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, OSDD, etc).

OCD being only cleanliness character

Disabled character being cured or “finding God” and magically being fine (something about finding comfort in religion is obviously okay)

Some Instagram Accounts to Look At:

Thechronicon

Livingwaterless

Livingwithlilac

Living.With.Misophonia

Autiscope

Autism_unmasked

Actuallyautistictiktoks

Chronicallycatastrophic

How.u.feeling

Jessicaoutofthecloset

Sweetsensorystuff

εїз Happy Writing, Creative Minds  εїз

[traumatizeddfox]

tw/ cancer, drugs, psychological/financial abuse, death, murder and suicide mentions

i'm sorry fox, i still have to vent about my mom's melanoma but i have nobody to talk to right now.

i'm sure this is what she wants. this is her suicide. she knows that radiation might help her but all she tells me is how she wants to die. we are the only family that each other have left and i don't even fucking like her! i don't even fucking like her fox!!!!

of course i love her she's my mom but she psychologically abused me, refused my autism diagnosis chances, was insanely transphobic when i came out, didn't care when i was being starved and SA'd by my bio dad during the few years he had custody of me until i started "causing problems." lashing out and running away. she was okay for a few years after that but the whole time her and i were both being abused by my stepdad, who was claiming NINE DEPENDENTS on his taxes, getting insane amounts back on tax returns, plus a weekly income of 1500$. but somehow we were poor. we had name brand snacks but no real food. he bought me a nintendo switch, a 3DS, an xbox, and thousands of games among them, but i have no clothes or a car as i move out into my girlfriend's house. we had every single new streaming service but we couldn't pay the electric bills. he could get medical treatment for every ailment he had, but my untreated injuries, mental, and physical illnesses have left me completely disabled. he would chase us into corners and lock us into rooms in meth induced rages to yell at us to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE GET OUT when he's 3 times our size, and blocking every exit. it was fucking psychological TORTURE.

she and i are trauma bonded. i love her and would sacrifice my life for her because she's the only one that understands, but at the same time she'll never fucking get my gender, she'll never get my autism, she'll never get my chronic pain or digestive issues. she went into the relationship without anything effecting her body or brain. so she completely invalidates them all the time. i hate her for it.

and now? i have to sit here and watch her die. she's mid stage 3. she knows that her only son, will watch as life takes one of only things he has left. and it's making me so angry. i don't know whether to be happy or be upset. my entire life i just wished she would die. and now that she is actually dying, i don't know how to feel. i'm mostly scared. i experienced a death of a loved one once, and it was the murder of my cousin when i was 13. he was poisoned by his parents after pumping him with meth. he was only 11. he didn't deserve it, it was awful. i can't handle that grief again. this is scary fox, my girlfriend and i don't have the money or resources to get like ANY help. we are so poor and my mom and stepdad's legal problems reached into my life and now i don't have an identity anymore. it's just one fucking thing after another. no break between them. there's no way this is real i'm serious.

i constantly question whether this is real at all when it's just like this. i don't even get 10 fucking minutes between incidents! i have to deal with something jarring every fucking minute of every day! i am fucking traumatized with no room to recover and i am losing it so quickly. i am going to snap. i'm scared.

n0-weed

i wish i could rly help u! i am so sorry abt ur mom not wanting to take help but also understanding she was abusive 💔 i am so sorry. would u ever be comfortable with setting up a go fund me or like a paypal? i honestly wish i could save u from this trauma

[writing-with-olive]

How to include a diverse cast

A lot of people are totally on board with the idea of writing a diverse cast for their novel, but when it actually comes to writing it, it ends up looking a little more like

[id: a white background with a collection of randomly placed grey squares, with one blue square /end id]

... and a little less like

[id: a white background with a bunch of randomly placed squares where all of the squares are different random colors /end id]

(why diversity is important, how to include more diversity of all kinds in your writing, and usable advice below the cut)

What’s going on?

I think that the biggest problem is that most of the media we consume doesn’t really have much in the way of a diverse cast. Having all of the characters the same except for one doesn’t equal diversity. Usually, the cast we see is all white, cisgender, straight, athiest or christian, neurotypical and generally an abled person. There’s also mostly men. (Throughout this post, “usual” in quotations refers to the characteristics listed above, as they are the ones most usually seen in today’s media. It is in no way meant to imply that people who do not fit this demographic are to be considered unusual.)

While nothing is inherantly wrong with any of those demographics, the problem arises when all except one or two characters fit all of them. The one or two charcters are less of diversity, and more of tokenism. You don’t want token characters.

So how do I make sure my story is made up of different and diverse characters when my instinct is to make them all fit the mold we’ve all been taught through exposure?

The simple answer is to just.... make them different. That’s the answer that’s posted literally everywhere. However, while that’s enough for some people, it’s not entirely approachable for others. I’ve included a little bit about what marginalized or minority groups are being underrepresented, as well as some steps you can take to increase the overall diversity in your writing. Note that the steps are more of a starting point, but are not the final word in the matter.

Racial diversity

Remember that black and white are not the only two racial groups. There’s Native American, Latino, Middle Eastern, East Asian, Brazillian, Indian, lots and lots of others. The more representation you have racially, the more realistic your story will be.

Approachable steps:

Make sure that it’s clear that your non-white characters are protrayed as such. People tend to assume that characters are white by default, so clarify otherwise.

Make sure that your main cast (protagonists and important side characters) features at least one or two non-white characters for every white character.

Include more racial diversity than just white characters and black characters.

Gender diversity

A lot of people hear this term and assume that it means a balance of girls and guys but it’s more than that. There are also a lot of trans people and nonbinary (not boy or girl) people in this world. People don’t usually think to include diversity in this sense in their stories, but it’s still important.

Approachable steps:

At a bare minimum, make sure to have at least some representation of women.

If there was a character who you couldn’t decide whether they should be a boy or a girl in your story, make them trans, nonbinary, and/or intersex

Make at least one or two of your characters trans and/or nonbinary.

Sexuality

Not everyone will be super open about their sexuality, but no matter what culture, there’s going to be people who are attracted to people of their own gender, people who are attracted to people of a different/opposite gender, and people who fall in between. Some people will not be attracted to anyone.

Approachable steps:

Like with the racial diversity segment, people assume others are straight by default. To combat this, make it clear that your non-straight characters are in fact, not straight.

If you want to have a character who’s attracted to another gender, but also want them to be not straight, make them bi or pan

If one character isn’t straight, they probably have at least a few friends who also aren’t straight. LGBTQ people tend to travel in packs.

Mental diversity

This is one that actually gets overlooked a lot of the time, but being neurodivergent is actually more common than you’d think. There’s learning disorders such as dyslexia or discalculia, there’s trauma related disorders, such as PTSD and DID, and there’s also other things, such as depression, anxiety, autism or ADHD, and a lot of other things. Neurodivergence isn’t a bad thing, but unfortunately it’s so underrepresented in fiction and media in general that it’s often stigmatized as such.

Approachable steps:

If your character had a traumatic childhood or past, it’s possible that they could have developed a disorder related to said trauma. If it makes sense, give it to them.

Make at least one or two of your characters neurodivergent in some way.

Don’t give all of your characters the same thing; instead, mix it up a bit (for example, characters A and B might have ADHD, and character C might have OCD).

People will usually assume a character is neurotypical unless shown otherwise. Make sure it’s clear that your neurodivergent characters are neurodivergent.

Physical diversity

This is another one that often gets overlooked. Most media is flooded with completely fit and able-bodied people, and while there’s nothing wrong with being able-bodied, the sheer lack of representation otherwise raises stigma. Some disabilities are more visible, such as poor eyesight (needing/wearing glasses), amputations, or needing a wheelchair. Others are less visible, such as deafness, weak bones, or heart problems. It’s also important to include people of a range of body types

Approachable steps:

If characters need things such as glasses, hearing aids, cane, or wheelchair, give it to them. Often using these devices in order to get through the world can cause stigma. Stigma doesn’t go away unless it’s disproved.

Include at least a few people who are overweight, underweight, and/or don’t have well-sculpted/toned muscles.

Include at least a few people who are physically disabled.

Religious Diversity

More than 50% of the world is Christian, so it makes sense that so many characters follow Christianity if they follow a religion at all, but it’s important to include other religions as well. Hinduism, Islam, and Judaism are all major religions, but unlike Christianity, there’s a lot less representation for them. 

Approachable steps:

Make at least 25% of your characters follow a religion other than Christianity.

If your story takes place in another world with a different belief system, make sure to include some characters who believe in it, and some who don’t.

If you already have characters who do follow a religion other than the dominant one, make sure to make that clear.

General Tips:

Remember to research how to respectfully depict characters who identify differently than yourself, and avoid harmful stereotypes.

Make sure that if you only have one character representing a minority group that they have a life that moves beyond just what that minority identity is; avoid making them a token character.

Don’t keep all of your “usual” characters nice and safe while killing off or getting rid of the others. 

Don’t bunch up all of the “usual” traits on a few characters, but rather spread it out; at most, you should have one, maybe two characters who completely fit the “usual” description.

[phantom-le6]

Episode Reviews - Star Trek: The Next Generation Season 5 (4 of 6)

Time for another round of episode reviews from season 5 of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Episode 16: Ethics

Plot (as given by me):

During an inspection in the cargo bay, Lt. Worf is hit from above by a falling cargo container, and he awakens later in sick bay to learn he has been paralysed by the accident.  With no cure for the condition immediately to hand, Worf asks Commander Riker to assist him in a ritual suicide known as the Hegh’bat something all Klingons do when faced with such injuries.  Riker is appalled by the idea, and Dr Crusher likewise refuses to give up on the idea of Worf recovering, bringing aboard neurologist Dr Toby Russell to consult on the matter.

 Riker seeks advice from Captain Picard, who asks him to consider the matter from Worf’s perspective; as a Klingon, Worf is part of a warrior culture that, by its very nature, would disdain physical infirmity and cannot abide life with a disability as humans can.  Eventually, Riker finds a way out of assisting Worf by noting that the ritual should be performed by a family member, namely Alexander, and when Worf tries to use Alexander’s age and part-human heritage as excuses, Riker calls him on it, accusing him of being afraid to fight for his life as many of their fallen comrades have done.

 Meanwhile, Dr Russell notes that Klingon anatomy is heavily over-designed, possessing a redundancy for every vital physical function to ensure that if a primary organ is damaged, a secondary one can always compensate.  She suggests using a genetics-based replication therapy that could create a new spinal column for Worf, but it is still experimental and Russell has only a 37% success rate in holographic simulations. Dr Crusher suggests they’ll stick to conventional methods, but when these prove insufficient for Worf, Russell offers him her experimental treatment.  Later, the Enterprise assists survivors from the transport ship USS Denver, which has been damaged by a Cardassian mine.  When Crusher learns Russell tried an experimental treatment on a patient who subsequently died without considering the use of conventional medicine, she has Russell relieved of duty.

 Worf ultimately opts to undergo Russell’s procedure against Dr Crusher’s advice, and Picard has to convince Crusher that while normally her normal medical philosophy would be the more valid option, in Worf’s case a high-risk operation is better than either a life being disabled or ritual suicide.  The operation initially appears successful, but Worf goes into cardiac arrest moments after his vital functions are taken off life support, and he apparently dies.  A heart-broken Dr Crusher has to break the news to Alexander and to Counsellor Troi, who Worf named as Alexander’s guardian if he should die during the operation. Alexander insists on seeing his father, but when he does, Worf shows signs of life.  It turns out Worf’s brain has a back-up for his synaptic functions in the same way that his body has multiple back-up organs.

 While Dr Crusher is thrilled that Worf will recover, she condemns Dr Russell for putting her research efforts ahead of the lives her patients, pointing out that proper medical research takes time and intensive study, and that Russell is ‘taking short-cuts, right through living tissue’.  Meanwhile, Worf begins his recovery and allows Alexander to help him, having previously tried to keep the boy away during his paralysis.

Review:

This episode is one with a very apt title, as there’s actually not one but two issues of ethics being tackled.  The first is around the idea of euthanasia of the permanently disabled or terminally ill.  For me, this is the least well-handled of the two because it’s being tackled via a character from a warrior society, and those tend to be the most barbaric around the differently abled.  Consider the film 300, and what that showed us of how the ancient Spartans would kill at birth any child who was not physically ‘perfect’.  For all that it makes sense from a strictly tactical and militaristic perspective, assuming you’re only looking for physical prowess on the battlefield, the idea of trying to get anyone to kill themselves over a bum leg or deformed arm or anything like that is discrimination and murder, pure and simple.  To put someone out of their misery when facing a painful degenerative illness with no chance of a cure before the end whatsoever, that is one thing, but to euthanise the disabled just for being disabled?  That is simply barbaric and inhuman, and frankly an attitude no one on the Enterprise should have been trying to endorse.  Frankly, I lost some respect for Picard and gained a lot for Riker looking at how they acted; Picard is all but giving an all-clear to his tactical officer topping himself, and Riker is the only one trying to make Worf fight for his life like a real warrior.

 The other ethical debate revolves around the question of medical ethics, and whether the end justifies the means when it comes to short-cuts and other unsound research methods.  In this, it’s clear Crusher is the one in the right, because the validity of Russell’s argument is founded on the idea that Worf is from a culture where the high-risk experimental operation beats the immediate alternatives.  If, like me, you see Worf’s attitude as typical of the regularly abled acting like spoiled, whining babies because they’ve been made part of the differently abled community, then Russell’s arguments cease to carry weight.  Research should take time where it needs to, especially in case you’re proceeding from a false supposition that the research actually disproves.  The biased results of improper research into vaccines and autism resulting in autistics being vilified as a result of vaccine science when they’re actually nothing of the sort is by itself reason enough that improper research should not only be banned, but treated as a criminal offence.

 Perhaps the biggest undermining element of this episode, however, is that it centres on something happening to a main character of the show and not a guest character.  Anytime issue exploration on an issue like this involves a main character, especially on a show like Next Generation which doesn’t really do overall story arcs even by this stage, you know the character will somehow recover and all will return to status quo.  Had the show done this with a guest character, they could have gone a different way and perhaps avoided potential advocacy of some very, very morally questionable stances on these issues.  It’s great drama and good issue exploration, but I think the show should have been more opposed the idea of killing off the disabled just for being disabled than it appeared to me.  For me, the episode only gets 6 out of 10, and it’s lucky I don’t mark it down more than that.

Episode 17: The Outcast

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Enterprise is contacted by a humanoid race called the J'naii, who as a species have no gender. They ask the crew for help in finding a shuttle which has gone missing. It is theorized that the shuttle disappeared into a pocket of null space, a type of space which drains energy rapidly. In short order, a rescue mission is planned, for which Riker volunteers to pilot a shuttle to retrieve the shuttle crew. A member of the J'naii named Soren insists on accompanying Riker, acting as a co-pilot. Soren proves to be a good pilot. Riker and Soren share a meal and become more comfortable with each other. They are interrupted by another J'naii, and Soren leaves quickly.

 While the pair is charting the null space, the shuttle is damaged, and Soren is injured. While being treated by Dr Crusher, Soren asks her several questions about female gender identification. While Soren and Riker work on the shuttle, Soren confesses that she is attracted to Riker and states that she has a female gender identity. Soren explains that the J'naii are an androgynous species that view the expression of any sort of male or female gender, and especially sexual liaisons, as a psychological perversion. According to their official doctrine, the J'naii had “evolved” beyond gender and thus view the idea of male/female sexuality as primitive. Those among the J'naii who view themselves as possessing gender are ridiculed, outcast, and forced to undergo "psychotectic therapy". This is a form of conversion therapy meant to remove any desire for gender-specificity and allow acceptance back into J'naii society.

 The affair between Riker and Soren grows and eventually is discovered. Soren is put on trial, but before she answers to the charges, Riker bursts in and attempts to take the blame for the situation. Soren foils his attempt and proceeds to passionately defend herself and express her outrage at what their society does to those who express male or female identities. J'naii diplomats force Soren to undergo psychotectic therapy, citing reformed citizens' newfound happiness and desire to be normal. Riker's emotions and love for Soren grow and he decides that he cannot leave Soren to this fate. He tries to explain the situation to Picard, who is sympathetic to Riker but says that he cannot sanction a rescue mission as it violates the Prime Directive, not to mention Riker throwing away his career. Worf visits Riker in his quarters and offers to go with him on an "unannounced visit" to rescue Soren, since he is unwilling to let Riker face the task alone. When Riker and Worf beam down to the planet to rescue Soren, he realizes that the therapy has already been performed. Soren refuses to go with him, claiming that she is now happy and was “sick” during her affair with Riker. Soren apologizes to Riker, who returns dejectedly to the Enterprise with Worf.

Review:

‘The Outcast’ is one of those episodes where Trek aims to represent one thing, misses by miles and hits something else issue-wise instead.  The idea of the episode was to finally remedy the fact that homophobia and same-sex relations had never been dealt with by the franchise.  Apparently, this is something Roddenberry had very much been in favour of, as he was a big believer that 24th century humanity wouldn’t have the same kind of prejudices we have now around non-heterosexual relationships.  As such, the intended premise of this episode was to tackle the issue through the metaphor of an alien race.

 However, the race in question is one that abstains gender, and for whom picking a gender such as male or female is seen as a kind of deviancy by the wider society.  As a result of this, and the alien Riker falls in love with choosing a female identity, the homosexuality metaphor is very much weakened.  Instead, the episode becomes of an allegory about transsexuality and transphobia, which is even less well-tackled by the entertainment industry than concepts of homosexuality.  As such, Trek inadvertently went a bit ahead of its time.

 It’s great seeing Riker honestly try to get his head around the language issues that can be brought up dealing with someone who doesn’t apparently identify with a binary model of gender, but at the same time apparently lacks easily understandable substitutes.  In many ways, that’s probably one of the key reasons why it’s so hard for film and television to effectively deal with gender identity concepts.  How do you right about the many genders that apparently exist beyond male and female when they’re often not fully defined and perpetually being redefined? Physical sex and the societal construct that is gender get over-simplified and baked into the mainstream of our society at a very young age, and we’re leaving the wider scope of both out of the picture until too late in the lives of many people.  If we are to make society more inclusive to people from the LGTBQ+ community, I think that over-simplification needs to be reversed and the simplification process adapted so that all gender constructs can easily be taught at an early age and then built upon.  Unlike some, I don’t believe that gender itself is a problem, but how we let it be defined and taught is.

 This episode apparently got a lot of LGBT criticism back when it initially aired, mostly around the belief that the show was somehow condoning the conversion “therapy” Soren was being subjected to.  Looking at it from the objective perspective of an LGBTQ+ ally who knows his TNG, that’s not what the show was doing at all; otherwise, Riker would never have tried to rescue Soren from that fate.  The fact is that in any exploration of how the LGBT community was treated back then, and still is now in many parts of the world, you can’t always paint a rosy picture of how things should be and be done. Sometimes you also have to show the reality, and the reality is that conversion therapy was still something that was forced on people back in the 1990’s.  The fact that this practice is now going to be banned in the UK makes this episode now a cautionary tale of what we could revert to if we’re not careful.  For me, this episode is a good episode, worth about 8 out of 10.  It would have got higher had it actually tackled the issue it aimed for, or dealt more directly with transgenderism.

Episode 18: Cause and Effect

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The viewer is shown through the episode that Enterprise is caught in a time loop (referred to in-universe as a "temporal causality loop"). The loop begins with the senior members of the crew playing poker and continues for about a day when they discover a spatial anomaly. While studying the anomaly, a ship suddenly emerges from it. Commander Riker suggests decompressing the main shuttlebay to move the Enterprise out of danger, while Lt. Commander Data advocates using a tractor beam to push the other ship out of the way. Captain Picard chooses Data's option, although the tactic does not succeed and the other ship strikes one of the Enterprise warp nacelles, causing a critical warp core containment failure and the destruction of the Enterprise moments later, at which point the loop restarts.

 Initially, crew members are unaware of the loop. However, Dr Crusher begins to hear noises before she goes to bed following the poker game. Having a sense of déjà vu during the poker game and able to predict the cards Data will deal during a subsequent loop, Crusher takes a tricorder with her to her room, records the voices, and later Data analyses them to discover they are the panicked commands and broadcasts of the crew. The senior staff work out that they are stuck in the loop; the voices they are hearing are those of themselves from the previous loop just prior to the destruction of the ship. They evaluate the voices to determine that the loop is restarted due to the collision of the two ships but do not know how to avoid that collision in the first place. Data suggests that his positronic brain can be used to send a short message to himself in the next loop which may help them to avoid the collision. When they arrive at the anomaly, and after the collision, Data sends the message.

 On the following loop, Crusher again has a feeling of déjà vu during the poker game, but when Data deals the next hand, all the cards are threes, followed by a hand where all players have three of a kind. The number 3 begins appearing throughout other parts of the ship's operations while, again, they determine they are stuck in a time loop. When they reach the anomaly and the ship appears from it, Data suddenly realizes that the 3 stands for the number of command pips on Riker's uniform, and realizes that Riker's original tactic (decompressing the main shuttlebay) will work. This allows Enterprise to safely clear the oncoming ship. The anomaly disappears and the time loop ends, and the crew realizes they have been trapped in the loop for over 17 days, while the other ship, the USS Bozeman, has been missing for over 90 years. Picard welcomes the Bozeman's crew to the 24th century.

Review:

While the concept of the loop in time would be made famous more generally through the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day, this episode of TNG was written, produced and aired well before that, and if the TNG staff are right in believing such an approach to time travel hadn’t been done before, then this episode is quite ground-breaking.  It’s certainly not one that would have been easy to make, as Riker actor Jonathan Frakes directed the episode and was under orders to direct each pass through the time loop differently.  In essence, the episode uses a combination of alternate camera angles and changes in the events of each loop to try and avoid any appearance that you’re watching the same act multiple times.  Now I say try because apparently when the episode first aired in the US, a lot of viewers phoned in to report a possible broadcast problem.

 Watching with the benefit of advance knowledge of what the episode is about, it’s much easier to appreciate that you’re not just watching the opening act multiple times, and it gets more interesting on the later loops due to the crew’s growing awareness of what is happening.  However, I think we could have done with just three loops, as by the fourth one, we’ve worked out what’s happened and I think an extra loop at that stage is almost redundant.  It’s also a shame that Ensign Ro has so little to do in her recurring guest role this time round, as does Kelsey Grammer right at the end.  It would have been a much better idea if they could have saved a guest appearance by Grammer for something with more substance and less of a techno-babble problem episode.  Still, all in all it’s a good episode; I give it 8 out of 10.

Episode 19: The First Duty

Plot (as given by me):

As the Enterprise returns to Earth for Captain Picard to give the year’s commencement address at Star Fleet Academy, the Academy Superintendent Admiral Brand informs Picard that an accident involving Wesley Crusher has occurred.  Picard subsequently relates the news to Wesley’s mother Dr Beverley Crusher; apparently, Wesley has by now become a member of Nova Squadron, a much-revered part of the Academy flight team on campus lead by cadet Nicholas Locarno. The squad had been practicing a flight demonstration for the commencement event at the Saturn flight range when a collision occurred, resulting in the death of squad member Joshua Albert.

 Picard puts the Enterprise at Admiral Brand’s disposal if it should help the subsequent investigation, and while visiting the Academy Picard also looks up the groundskeeper Boothby, who once gave Picard some hard advice as a cadet that helped him out of a problem of his own. Picard tries to thank Boothby, but he notes that Picard having turned his life around well enough to become captain of the Enterprise is thanks enough.  At the investigation hearings, Locarno claims the crash resulted from Joshua panicking due to his being a nervous flyer, but satellite footage of Nova Squadron’s flyers reveals a discrepancy between the squad’s account and what actually occurred.  Picard later talks further with Boothby about the squad, who reveals what a high image they’ve established for themselves and the influence their leader Locarno has over them.

 An analysis carried out by Lt. Commanders Data and La Forge suggests the squadron were trying to ignite their plasma trails; combined with the squad formation depicted by the surveillance satellite, Picard deduces that Nova Squadron was attempting a different manoeuvre to the one they claimed; specifically, a Kolvoord Starburst, which involves the ships passing within metres of each other at a central point before igniting their plasma trails.  The manoeuvre has not been performed at the Academy in over a century because the last time it was, an accident occurred that killed the entire squad trying to perform it. Picard confronts Wesley with his deductions, and when Wesley refuses to answer, the captain tells him that a lie of omission is still a lie, and the ‘first duty’ of every Star Fleet officer is to the truth.

 Faced with an ultimatum by Picard to either admit the truth himself or be turned in by the captain, Wesley goes to Locarno, who refuses to even consider joining Wesley in abandoning their cover-up.  To him, the team comes above everything, and tells Wesley he should resign from the Academy if he can’t live with getting away with the accident via cover-up.  As Admiral Brand brings the investigation to a close, noting that she cannot prove any dishonesty on Nova Squadron’s part and preparing to give them a minor punishment, Wesley speaks up and admits the truth.  Initially, Locarno says nothing, but it is later revealed to Wesley by Picard that Locarno makes a plea to take full responsibility, noting that he abused his position as squad leader to not only make the squad attempt the prohibited stunt, but also to cover it up.  As a result, Locarno is expelled while the rest of the squad will have all of their academy credits for the past year suspended, preventing them from advancing with the rest of their class.

 Picard warns Wesley he will have a hard time ahead now the whole Academy knows the truth, and Wesley thanks Picard for his advice as the pair bid each other farewell.

Review:

While Data episodes tend to be my favourites among TNG episodes, I honestly believe this is probably one of the show’s most iconic episodes, if not the most iconic Trek episode ever.  It’s Wesley’s second guest appearance since actor Wil Wheaton left TNG, and to date it’s his best appearance, but it’s also the episode where we get to meet Boothby, who is a remarkably influential and iconic character for the series despite his relative lack of appearances.  Through in future Voyager cast member Robert Duncan McNeil playing Nick Locarno, and it’s well on its way to be being a very good episode before you factor in Patrick Stewart delivering some truly iconic acting as Captain Picard, especially the Ready Room scene with Wesley that makes the episode so iconic.

 Now apparently, executive producer Michael Piller had to do some pushing back against the original intentions of this episode’s writers to get us the episode in its final format.  Apparently, the original idea was that the incident was far more serious, and by not owning up the whole squad would have been kicked out of the Academy, with Wesley remaining silent to honour his word to his friends. However, Piller didn’t like the idea of Wesley doing something that severe, and as a parent he wanted to push for Wesley to be responsible and eventually admit the truth, to correct his mistake in the end by owning up even if it meant making things worse for himself and his friends.

 In both versions, the character conflict remains the same; to stand by one’s friends or by one’s duty to be truthful. Now granted, there will be other occasions where the circumstances require discretion and loyalty to one’s friends simply because most people would misunderstand the truth.  However, in most cases I think admitting the truth is the best thing to do, even if it does mean you and others close to you may get in a bit of trouble, and this is for two reasons.  First, true friendship means being willing to call your friends out if their behaviour is morally wrong, and making sure they do the right thing.

 Second, we’re all human and we all make mistakes; that is a simple, irrefutable fact of life, and most of the time if we do make mistakes, we can stop ourselves from repeating them by learning from them.  However, in some cases people can’t learn from their mistakes if they avoid taking responsibility for them, and some people may not take that responsibility alone.  Sometimes they need help, whether through being called on it like Picard did for Wesley, or owning up on behalf of those involved like Wesley did for his squad-mates. Moreover, a ‘friends before authority’ attitude backfires in other areas; it’s how bullying gets to be so prevalent in schools and work places, and it is why concepts of ‘playground’/’locker room’ honour codes should be systematically obliterated from our society.

 Friendship, true friendship, is not based on secret codes of silence that enable bullying, encourage lying and that are dishonourable and despicable to say the least.  It is based on honesty and trust, including the trust that your friends will hold you to account if you betray yourself and that you will do the same for them if they need it.  True friendship means sometimes being a bit harsh, a bit tough, and any friendship that can’t stand such tempering probably isn’t really friendship to start with. Overall, I give this episode 10 out of 10.

Episode 20: Cost of Living

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Lwaxana Troi arrives on the Enterprise, announcing that she will be holding her wedding there with a man that shares many interests with her, as judged by a computerized matchmaking system. Captain Picard, initially wary of Lwaxana's plans, is relieved that all she wants from him is to give her away as the bride. Privately, Counsellor Deanna Troi talks to Lwaxana about the marriage, and while she is happy that her mother is marrying again, she is surprised and concerned that she will not follow the Betazoid custom of being a naked bride at the wedding. Lwaxana informs her that such customs offend the groom and his people. Deanna notes her decision to abandon her own custom is strange given the pride she normally takes in her Betazoid heritage and the high rank that she holds in their society.

 Meanwhile, Lt. Worf is having difficulties in getting his son Alexander to complete his obligations such as homework and chores. Deanna offers the idea of creating a contract that would allow Alexander to have time to play after completing his tasks. While this initially seems to be acceptable to Alexander, Lwaxana arrives and downplays the idea. Lwaxana makes friends with Alexander, taking him to a holodeck simulation of the Parallax colony despite Worf's orders. Lwaxana encourages Alexander to be a free spirit, but Deanna believes that Lwaxana's message is confusing Alexander.

 Eventually, Campio, Lwaxana's husband-to-be, arrives at the Enterprise, and Lwaxana finds that he is not as perfect a fit for her as the computer match suggested, being stricter and more demanding than she was led to believe. She evades Campio by taking Alexander to the holodeck. There, Alexander reiterates some of the advice she had previously given him. Taking it to heart, Lwaxana arrives at the wedding naked as per Betazoid custom, and Campio, offended, leaves her at the altar. Lwaxana winks at Alexander, who smiles in turn.

 During these events, the Enterprise becomes infected with an undetectable parasite that feeds off nitrium, a component used in most of the starship's materials. Though initial system failures are attributed to normal wear, they become concerned when warp and life support systems begin to fail. The crew is able to identify the parasite, and as life systems fail and cause the crew to pass out due to lack of air, Lt. Commander Data, who is able to function without oxygen, navigates the starship to a nearby asteroid field rich in nitrium and coerces the parasite to move there. Ship systems are quickly restored to normal before the wedding.

 The episode ends on an amusing note with Lwaxana relaxing in the Holodeck simulated Parallax colony mud-baths with Deanna, Alexander, and Worf. Lwaxana admits she made a mistake with Campio and thanks Alexander for helping her out. Meanwhile, a confused and irritated Worf asks, "You're just supposed to sit here?"

Review:

As ever, throwing Lwaxana Troi into an episode proves to give us a rather poor showing, because the character is so over-the-top in her supposedly comedic antics that you end up feeling as annoyed by her as most of the Enterprise crew.  It’s only when she’s forced to drop that façade that you get anything of worth out of the episode’s main plot.  Basically, Lwaxana is trying to re-marry out of a desire to avoid loneliness, and ends up trying to live vicariously through Alexander because her intended husband is the total opposite to her.  It’s not the best approach to the situation, nor does the B-plot about parasites endangering the ship fit in well with that, or with Worf trying to teach Alexander about responsibility.  A better use of these elements would have been to have the intended couple each having trouble accepting the other’s perspective on life, and so they’d each take sides in the Worf-Alexander dispute to try and indirectly keep the argument going.  Worf might then be convinced to give his duties a rest for a bit to see things more from Alexander’s point of view, only for said dereliction of duty to endanger the Enterprise.  Getting through the danger, father and son would see the value of compromise and balance, and in so doing demonstrate the idea to Lwaxana and Campo, who would follow suit.  As it is, the episode is just another cringe-worthy instalment more worthy of the show’s earlier seasons, and I can only give it 4 out of 10.

[aroworlds]

I just want to let you all know that my health still isn’t good: I spent awareness week struggling with insomnia (not to mention before and now after) and trying to cope with making content for it while operating on almost no sleep just about broke me. I’m glad I did it, but I’ve spent this week trying to recover from it, and I struggle to find the energy needed to talk to people when I’m that worn out.

Right now, I’m trying to figure out more about transition options and support as a queer, transgender person, since it’s been made clear to me that my current environment is not ever going to be truly supportive. This week I had a really good conversation with my GP so my new pronouns are as officially on the system as they can be (with a system that doesn’t really support it, but at least referrals will correctly refer to me) and a conversation about my queerness that was summed up as “sexual attraction irrespective of gender, romantic attraction to nobody, no gender”. It’s not completely accurate because you all know I’m abrosexual, but given that I mostly use queer like a safety blanket in offline conversations, it’s as accurate as I get to someone who doesn’t already know me. I’m looking for a new psychologist, and there’s a few queer-centred clinics in my state’s capital (Melbourne, Australia) I’ll be checking out.

The extreme degree of lack of sleep is almost certainty a response to everything that’s happened this year with regards the incredible invalidation from my former psychologist and family, but it’s making it hard. If autism makes a lot of the above difficult, insomniac autistic cranks the playing level right up!

I’ve been thinking about the direction of this blog, since I would like to open up the ask box again. The problem is that this blog was becoming a little more community-conversation-support-and-validation than is easy for me to handle. It takes a lot of spoons to be available to provide that kind of response and support, and there is always going to be a greater need for it than I am able to provide. To be frank, it’s overwhelming to me to constantly see it in my inbox and my messages, and that’s not something I well handle as an autistic.

I’m a creative. I write, I sew, I scrapbook, I design, I make. I’m hampered by my disabilities and an inability to have or afford real workarounds in terms of accessibility aids, but as much as I am able to, I make things. I was quietly proud of myself during awareness week for being able to get past the “I can’t do it perfectly so why do it at all” tendency of mine to make pride-related pieces that weren’t perfect (lack of tape, time, editing, fabric, marker pens) but still existed, as that’s something hard for me. And it meant the world to me to see some of those pieces get likes and reblogs!

My highest shape of activism is always going to be creative media, yet this blog, combined with the limitations of my disabilities, was making it harder for me to do that. It’s not coincidental that I’m able to write more stories with the ask box closed!

The other problem is that a lot of the conversations I was getting more concerned aro-ace folks, aro-ace experiences and aro-ace relationships to the aro-spec, ace-spec and a-spec communities. I’m not saying that you don’t need or deserve the support, and it is by no means wrong that anyone sought this out, but I felt like I was providing more reassurance to folks with issues that don’t impact me in quite the same way, without the time to talk about my own needs (because I am disabled, my spoons are limited and I never had the ability to do both the way I wanted). That felt like I was working more to support other people than I was to support myself; my activism slowly moved further and further away from my own needs in the aro-spec and a-spec communities.

I hope folks appreciate that providing reassurance, validation and support to fellow community members is a lot of work--something that takes a lot of time, a lot of physical ability, a lot of physical energy, a lot of emotional ability, and a lot of emotional energy. It’s work, it’s skilled work, and it’s hard work--something I don’t think we always stop and acknowledge in activist spaces where the need of people to be supported is sometimes pushed ahead of the ability for people to provide it. Particularly when the people who are doing this work are unpaid, often unsupported in their providing of this work while at the same time being applauded for it, and have to face a never-ending need for it should they begin to offer it.

I’ve had asks that have distressed and triggered me, asks that need all the empathy and validation I can provide but at the same time distress me to the point where I can’t cope myself. Where do I go to talk about that? Where do I go to find help? I can’t write a post about it here; that would hurt the person who needs help and has done nothing wrong in seeking it. Psychologists see other psychologists for support, but we have a grassroots situation where folks are providing nearly the same sort of work on an untrained, volunteer basis, for a community in incredibly desperate need of it and can’t actually go to a psychologist who doesn’t understand aromanticism, without any kind of support network ourselves.

Without that, it’s very difficult not to succumb to overwhelm and burnout ... and for much the same reasons folks came to my ask box, I can’t easily see a psychologist myself for coping with this, or afford to do so as frequently as I need even if/when I do find someone supportive.

I think a good thing for the aro-spec community to discuss would be the ways we can support other community members in their community-support-and-community-building activities, in terms of making sure that the people who are working to build our communities are physically and emotionally safe, have spaces where we can discuss the challenges and problems in providing community support--in the same way psychologists also have these support networks--and have their labour acknowledged in the sense of our promoting their PayPal, Ko-fi and Patreon accounts (it’s hard to manage the emotional work of providing deserved support for our own when we’re panicking over having $5 in our bank accounts and a $100 bill to pay next month). We shouldn’t be taking it for granted that the people who are helping prop us up can do so unaided, not when we all know the struggles we face in a capitalist, amatonormative world. Let’s please acknowledge this, not just for me but for every other aro-spec who is putting their works out in posts, answering asks and creating the content we need and appreciate.

Let’s do our best to support the people who are supporting us and have open conversations about the struggles and stresses of activism, because I honestly feel that the only options for me include shutting down the inbox forever, being seen as selfish and demanding if I talk about the problems of being a source of support because I’m supposed to be helping people, quitting the blog entirely, or struggling through it all until I shatter.

In the meantime, though, as a disabled aro-spec, I have to draw a line.

For me, this comes back to what I want to do--run a blog about aro-spec creativity while making more original aro-spec creative content--and activism that directly concerns and impacts me. That means, specifically, allo-aro activism, because I’m increasingly finding a disconnect between general aro-spec approaches and my own needs. Activism for aro generally isn’t resulting in a-spec spaces that feel safe for me, and that’s where I want to direct my conversations.

For this blog, @aroworlds, I’d like the ask box to be an easy way folks can recommend media, discuss content, squee about something cool they read/saw/heard/found, share pride merch, give their thoughts on something with regards representation or creativity. I won’t say that I won’t make my own posts about activism here and there, but I’d like to get back to a focus on creativity. I am asking, therefore, that people please keep messages, submissions and asks to topics of aro-spec creativity and creative media. I am no longer taking support-providing asks, community information asks or community terminology asks on this blog.

For my other blog, @alloaroworlds, I’m happy to have more conversations about aro-spec community issues, identity experiences and creative media as concerns allo-aros. This is where I want to focus my activism outside of creative media, and this is where I want to have community-issue conversations. I’m not yet at a point where I’m really able to provide much in the way of emotional support, but if I ever get my life to a point where I can, that’s where I’ll be providing it. In the meantime, though, let’s talk the aro-spec and a-spec communities and where allo-aros fit into them--and anything else allo-aros want to talk about.

Thank you so much for reading this monster of a post, my lovely followers. I won’t be opening up the ask box here today or even this week, but I will hope to be soon. Because I really do miss folks telling me about something cool they’ve found, and I hope we can get back to that and other projects and discussions focusing on aro-spec creativity.

In the meantime, if folks could wish for me a week where I sleep every night, I would be exceptionally grateful!

[the-amalgam-house]

Once in a while I like to take note in any physical form directly in front of my eyes on the slew of identities I have and trials I face just to get a whole picture of what's happening. It pretty much goes like my pinned post, but sometimes I still face to reiterate from time to time.

The reason I'm thinking about it rn is cause I realized that at this point in my adult life, I've actually NOT worked for twice as long as I did work. My last job was in 2014 after struggling for 3 years to hold a job post-hospitalization. It has gotten to a point where I was in so much pain on a daily basis that I was incredibly suicidal. I was already starting to transition at the time but I wasn't out to my family, which weighed extremely heavily on my mind, and by that point it would be still several months to a year before I actually sought therapy. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to work, to "earn" my right to be part of a society, a productive part of my family. To this day I still struggle with the idea that I am worthless because of my disability. My body is broken. There's no level of wishing it wasn't that will fix it, and no way to access the help I probably need, for free. It all costs money, and I can't work.

To sum up physical limitations feels like I'm minimizing everything I experience when just listing them, but it's impossible for others to really understand otherwise. Even my own wife was harsh to me before she herself ended up with terrible back problems by her job's abuse and neglect.

In terms of physical health, I deal with:

Asthma, allergies, nearsightedness, eczema, possible lupus, possible fibromyalgia, chronic nerve pain, chronic back pain, cycling insomnia/hypersomnia, diabetes, GERD, chronic leg pain and weakness, post thrombic syndrome, pcos (resolved with hysterectomy), genetic obesity, carpal tunnel syndrome (that one's on me), and various sensory sensitivities.

As I already said, my mental state also was absolutely trashed by the time I stopped working. I refused to believe that I was disabled (despite the fact that I've always been disabled in more tolerable ways), and was fighting to recover from a major hospitalization 3 years prior that I never would have been able to do on my own no matter HOW hard I tried. My leg was irreparably damaged, my other leg began getting frequently injured from strain, my health deteriorating from passing way too hard. Therapy helped me figure out a few things, and with the things I learned there along with now decades of my own research and self understanding, I've overall gotten to a place where I can cope better with the mental struggles I have to face.

In terms of mental health, I deal with:

Chronic major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, PTSD, dyslexia (dyscalculia), autism, gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, and at least one or more dissociative disorder, namely Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) in which alters/headmates are present with varying levels of amnesia between.

There are large swaths of my childhood I simply don't remember. I have trouble with both short term and long term memory due to both trauma and learning disabilities. The strongest and most reoccurring memories are of traumatic events. I've been depressed since before I even hit double digits in age. My anxiety makes it extremely difficult to make phone calls, and manifested as "white coat syndrome" aka anxiety attacks around doctors/hospitals. It was this anxiety that brought to my attention at least one of my headmates, Greyson, as someone who has been taking care of me when I have to face those kinds of intense anxiety experiences. Others came forth over time. My first traumas from an age young enough to manifest DID were due to severe medical and home trauma...

On top of all that, I also take many medications. I'm not going to list them cause meh, but a lot have various side effects that cause sleep issues and memory issues and energy issues. I'd rather deal with those than the intense pain I feel without them, but even so, all of these things stacked on top of I've another more or less keeps me in bed for all of my days. I rarely move around even in my own home because I simply can't. On the rare days I have any net gain in energy, I usually do way too much because it's the only time I have that ability, and then just end up putting myself right bank into bed for weeks, even months. The most simple of tasks to average people are monumental undertakings for me, when they didn't used to be.

I'm not typing this to have a pity party. I think that I'm taking stock and looking back at how much I've survived. And I still fall prey to sinking into the depths of despair fairly often, but definitely overall have a better understanding of my limits and my coping mechanisms and myself in general in these years having to be bedbound, having to accept the cards that have been drawn and having to figure out how to best work with what I'm given.

I just needed to get all that out of my head. I've often told myself a lot of "oh other ppl have it worse" type of demoralizing things before, and someone's still do, but with disability activism and sharing life experiences with those who've gone through similar, I know it's not a competition of who has it the worst. We're all entitled to mourn the lives we wanted but can no longer have and still celebrate the victories in the steps we've made to survive. There's no shame in asking for help, whether it's physically or mentally or emotionally or financially. Being disabled is not necessarily a death sentence. There is community And mutual aid and kindness and caring out here in the world. Sometimes I can't see it, but eventually I remember.

[theworldunwrapsitself]

An Unkindness of Ghosts

I just finished listening to the audiobook for An Unkindness of Ghosts  by Rivers Solomon (goodreads link) and, shit, what a good book.

Quick summary: 

In what is essentially a space version of the Antebellum South, on the HSS Matilda, a “generation ship” (having left earth 325 years before the beginning of the book), we meet Aster, 25 years old, practicing medicine on fellow lower-deckers between her mandatory shifts in the fields. When her friend Giselle points out the code in Aster’s long-dead mother’s notes, Aster risks much to work out what her mother left behind, and what it might mean for the future of Matilda.

Trigger warnings for basically everything, including slavery, sexual violence, state violence, child sexual assault, non sexual child abuse, eugenics, suicide, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism (especially against autism), and probably more.

My review:

Haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. I was wondering how this book would end, and I liked the note of bittersweet, grieving hope it leaves us with. I have not read/watched any "all of humanity lives on a spaceship now" media except for Wall-e... this was not Wall-e. I didn't always follow, or really, honestly, try that hard to follow the structure of how Matilda worked, its layout, the way that decks would be connected to each other, but was interested in how that affected culture and life on the ship. The descriptions of the way languages developed deck by deck, the ways that gender and deck played into access and opportunity and how even some middle deck people seemed to be enslaved... I don't know that I fully understood all about the system of this world and definitely want to reread this book at some point. I loved that none of the characters in this book, except maybe for Flix for whom this does not work out, were hopeful idealists. Lots, if not most, of the actions of dissent they take are nonsensical, dangerous, and ill advised. Giselle especially is clearly acting not from a reasonable, sane mind, but from one which has been so traumatized and affected that while what she does is not good, or helpful, or reasonable, it makes sense that she would do that. This book paints a picture of an ugly world, whose characters still have to live, and still each have their own small reasons to keep on trying. Gender, and queerness, becomes just one part of the tapestry of Matilda and our characters existences, but one that rings so true. Astra would be called intersex in our time, Theo nonbinary, genderqueer, transfeminine. They know only the slurs used against them, and the ways they adapt to make life bearable, to live a bit as themselves as they survive and sneak and make it to the next day, make what space they can for themselves. The slow, slow journey they take towards consummation of romantic feelings makes total sense, not for any rom-com reason but because of who they are, their relationships with trust and their own bodies and others interaction with them. Theo seems to have OCD, Astra seems to be autistic, Giselle experiences psychosis, everyone seems to be traumatized, many have physical disabilities. These are not portrayed in the ways I've been seeing diversity in YA (desperately needed! Amazing! Beautiful!) of 'big happy family of differing people are loved for who they are and find ways to find joy because of, and within their differences' but in the ways that each of these divergences from identities or statuses holding power puts our characters in danger. Astra's autism constantly endangers her when she doesn't answer the guards in the ways that they want. It's scary and real and relevant to our world.

[paizleyrayz]

The Low 2D:4D Ratio

Low 2D:4D digit ratio linked to:

-general masculinisation effect

-more criminal behavior after puberty

-polygamy

-more aggressive dominant personality

-high risk-taking

-more aggression when challenged

-preference for normative behavior

-alcohol dependency in males

-hyperactivity and poor social cognitive function in girls

-higher dominance rank (in female rhesus macaques)

-reduced fear, lower sensitivity to punishment, increased risk-tasking, and enhanced attention to threat

-sensation seeking in men

-Eating disorders

-greater likelihood of self-employment

-physical aggression and contact sport

-psychopathic personality, fearlessness and impulsive non-conformity

-strategic gameplay (in dictator and ultimatum games)

-poor firm performance and commitment to strategic goals

-higher incidence of boxers fractures due to aggression

-low self-control in preschoolers

-internet addiction

-more sexual jealousy

-more status seeking

-higher incidence of Developmental Language Disorder

-greater decrease in effort when payment changes from fixed to "per piece"

-higher aggression, hostility and anger in adolescent males

-more alogia (incapable to hold a conversation)

-increased aggressiveness and sensation seeking in both sexes

-more masculine sex-role identity in women

-homosexuality in males and females

-hyperactivity and poor social cognitive function in girls

-low verbal intelligence, high numerical intelligence, and low agreeableness

-neurodevelopmental disorders

-higher participation in competitive sports and games for males

-less close same-sex friends

-sensation seeking, disinhibition and drug behavior in males

-less risk-averse behavior

-(and higher facial symmetry) higher levels of narcissism in males and females

-lifelong premature ejaculation

-higher enjoyment of competition

-high social phobia

-being more suspicious of others

-more cognitive decline in elderly women

-sensitivity to social dominance, drive for rank, the tendency to create dominance hierarchies, Poor verbal fluency and other language deficiencies

-preference for unimodal learning style

-more osteoporosis and osteoarthtritis

-higher incidence of nose deformity caused by accidents

-higher number of children

-lower taste sensitivity, liking sweets, and more caries in children

-lower life expectancy, more incidence of suicide, higher death rates from communicable, maternal, perinatal, and nutritional conditions, and more respiratory infections, asthma, neurological conditions, and Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias

-Stuttering

-faster reaction time

-more severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder symptoms in men

-carelessness, disorganization, revenge planning, and lower openness

-more overconfidence

-psychopathy (primary and secondary) in males

-initimate partner violence

-higher sociability, greater personal social capital, larger personal social-network size, liking parties and the company of friends, and isolation intolerance. but relations may be of worse quality, and more directed at social status

___________________

Lower right-hand 2D:4D ratio linked to :

ADHD in boys

aggression in African girls

___________________

-Lower left-hand 2D:4D ratio predicts risky financial behavior

___________________

Low 2D:4D women:

-prefer masculinized faces (high testosterone) for short- and long-term mates, don't bond well and are more promiscuous

-are less "feminine", prefer more masculinized long-term mates, and report shorter intimate relationships, less parental bonding and more menstrual irregularity

-may be more impulsive

-are more materialistic

_______________

-Masculinized finger-length ratios linked to Disruptive Behavior Disorders, low conscientiousness, effortful control, high activity levels and sensation-seeking, high aggression, and slow neural development in utero

___________________

-Correlation between higher meat consumption and lower 2D:4D ratio

-Male heroin abusers have significantly lower 2D:4D digit ratios

-Low 2D:4D digit ratio in male suicide victims

___________________

-Subjects with low 2D:4D ratio are less generous

-Children with low 2D:4D ratio are more likely to give less in public goods game

-More conduct disorder among children with low 2D:4D ratio

-Boys with lower 2D:4D ratio self-rate higher physical aggressiveness

-Males with lower 2D:4D ratio are more aggressive

-Lower 2D:4D ratio predicts higher propensity to attack without being provoked

-Low 2D:4D ratio significant predictor of criminal offense in men

-Regions with low 2D:4D digit ratio have lower emancipation of women

-2D:4D lower in Asian populations than populations more to the West; positive association between agreeableness and 2D:4D

-Low (right hand) 2D:4D men become less prosocial when they are more intuitive and less deliberate

-Low 2D:4D men more aggressive toward other men and their own partners; low 2D:4D women less possessive

-Men with low 2D:4D are more aggressive towards everyone, in women everyone is aggressive towards those with high 2D:4D (who are less aggressive)

-Low 2D:4D individuals less consientious, less scrupulous, and less apt to assume precautionary behavior in unsafe conditions

-Feminist activist sample has more masculinized 2D:4D digit ratio and are more dominant than males of the same country

___________________

-Men with low 2D:4D approach same-sex rivals more

-Low 2D:4D ratio in men makes them more attractive to women (but only as short-term mates, and especially to masculinized women)

-Men with low 2D:4D ratio are partnered more with women with narrow waists and large breasts

-People with lower 2D:4D ratios use smiling and flirtation as mild forms of aggression

-Women with gender identity disorder have lower 2D:4D

-People with low 2D:4D prefer more aggressive and erotic content on media

-Men and women with low digit ratios pay more attention to bodies than to faces

-Men rate women with lower right 2D:4D ratios as less faithful, based on facial photographs

___________________

-Low digit ratio strongly associated with more motor vehicle accidents in women

-Of all armed military services, Marines have the lowest digit ratio

-Females that choose uniformed careers have lower 2D:4D digit ratio

-Female military students have male-typical 2D:4D digit ratios

-Policewomen have male-typical 2D:4D ratio

-Female slash fiction readers have lower 2D:4D ratios

-Women who choose judo/boxing instead of aerobics have lower 2D:4D ratio

-Professional junior soccer players with low 2D:4D are not better at sports, but commit more foul play

-Fight bite injuries more prevalent among males with lower 2D:4D ratio

-In men, visuospatial performance declines with increasing 2D:4D ratio

-Low 2D:4D ratio not associated with more hunting success in Tanzanian Hadza male hunters; Tanzanian Hasza men have higher 2D:4D ratio than men in most Western populations

____________________

Testosterone

-Firms run by high prenatal testosterone entrepreneurs have lower profitability, because of their "empire building preferences"

-High circulating testosterone increases financial risk-taking

-Sudden surges in testosterone levels in males may be a factor in financial disasters

-The lower the 2D:4D ratio (the higher prenatal testosterone), the higher the salary

-Higher prenatal androgen activity is a risk factor for higher alcohol consumption

-Testosterone administration increases feelings of power and infallibility

-(Prenatal) testosterone weakens empathy

-High testosterone correlates with low empathy in men and women

-Psychopathic offenders with highest testosterone have biggest emotional regulation problems

-Testosterone decreases cognitive reflection

-High salivary testosterone linked to utilitarian morality

-Testosterone increases sensitivity to immediate reward

-High prenatal testosterone related to psychopathy in children and worse externalising behavior

-High prenatal testosterone decreases Theory of Mind (Reading the Mind in the Eyes performance) in women

-Higher prenatal testosterone correlates with lower empathy, higher post-natal testosterone correlates with higher number of sexual partners

-High basal testosterone correlates with intrasexual competitiveness among men and agressive mate-retention behavior

-Testosterone administration disables trust in low 2D:4D women

-Testosterone promotes behaviors intended to maintain and seek social status

-the people most likely to cheat are those who are aggressive (high testosterone)

-Testosterone has a negative impact on the detection of emotions in men

-High prenatal testosterone (in amniotic fluid) associated with smaller delay of gratification, and more attention problems/overactive behavior in 3-year-old boys

-Higher levels of testosterone increase effect of parental rejection on antisocial behavior

-Higher prenatal testosterone levels are associated with reduced social skills but superior attention to detail in infants

-Boosting actual testosterone levels causes men to be more interested in higher-status goods

-Prenatal testosterone associated with criminality

-Increased prenatal testosterone associated with reduced social brain functioning in males (but not females)

-Neonatal testosterone treatment turns female rat brains into male brains, as far as impulse control is concerned

-Low digit ratio and high circulating testosterone associated with less empathic accuracy (independent of sex)

-Women with low salivary testosterone levels are better at recognizing their own face

-High androgen levels linked to pathological gambling, financial risk-taking, competitive sports activities, aggression and criminality

-High androgen levels linked to ADHD, childhood conduct disorders, autism/Asperger's and status striving

-Terrorism, looting and rioting may be related to high androgen levels

-Elevated prenatal testosterone associated with slower social and language development

-High prenatal testosterone dampens connectivity in "social" brain networks in men

-Testosterone can impair emotion-recognition ability

-High prenatal testosterone linked to lower social skills and more restricted interests, more systemizing and less empathizing

-Facial symmetry linked to testosterone and psychopathic behavior

-Testosterone associated with male seeking dominance

-Testosterone inhibits acute fear and promotes reactive dominance

-Testosterone biases the organism toward threat approach and away from threat avoidance

-High testosterone (independently of cortisol) linked to religious agression

-High prenatal testosterone elevates probability of offending later in life

-High prenatal testosterone leads to crude violence in adolescence

-High testosterone is risk factor in child sex abuse

-High testosterone linked to antisocial behavior, inhibition of social empathy, incapacity for cooperative problem-solving

-Power corrupts people, but only if they have high levels of testosterone

________________

from https://h2d4d.blogspot.com