#been meaning to draw this for ages!! love events like these for motivating my to do it >:)

[krugecrow]

Kanej plague doctor au for @grishaversebigbang reverse minibang!!

Check out @nugget-hater ‘s fic Crotchety Remedies on AO3!! (Tumblr post)

[marleemutt]

TLDR: im a black trans artist who can use some help right now following the sudden passing of my only sister - her doberman is now the responsibility of my parents and we can use help for his food, supplements, toys etc.

Kofi (help me send Chewy orders to my parent's house)

Wishlist (literally send him things like toys, treats, etc.)

⬇️ more info ⬇️

hey guys

some of you might be aware of this already, but early October, my eldest sibling & only sister suddenly passed away due to a seizure, she had been dealing with epilepsy her whole life.

this has been incredibly difficult for me, and my family. her passing was incredibly sudden, she was only 30.

for the past month or so ive been struggling to find any motivation to draw, and barely able to work.

she was the incredibly devoted owner of a doberman named Remi(Ramsey). Me and my sister traveled 4 hours to pick him up three years ago. He's a goofball who tears up socks and needs constant supervision. My parents love him, but I can tell he is a lot of work for two people who have fulltime jobs and have lived long lives.

I'm going to try to help them take care of him as much as possible, I feel that it's the least we can do to honor my sister's memory, since she loved him so deeply.

My sister always wanted a doberman, for years she would watch videos about dobermans and talk about them to anyone who would listen.

Remi wasn't easy to raise - I shared a room with my sister when she got him in 2020, she still worked a 9-5, five days a week, so I was his nanny for most of his difficult childhood. I was his chew toy for the first year of his life about - but that only made him bond closer to me. If he wasn't following my sister, I was choice #2. Dobermans are "velcro dogs", they were bred to guard their owners, and because of this, they are fiercely loyal. I've been moved out of my parent's place for going on 3 years, and my sister had just moved with Remi out a few months prior to her passing.

A week before my sister's sudden passing, we had to board Remi at my dog daycare job while my family and I took a trip out of state. When dropping him off, although he was happy to see me again for the first time in months, the moment my sister turned her back to him he began to panic. He got through the boarding all right but my coworkers told me he would cry and wait by the door for me or her. When my sister picked him up, they said he jumped all 80+lbs into her arms.

Since my sister's passing, Remi has been directionless. He's with my family, people he trusts, but he's bored, confused, and heartbroken. My sister would often take him to the dog park, social events, on runs, etc. but my parent's can't do that in their age. If my apartment allowed large dogs, I would take him, but I can't, and I see him maybe twice a month if possible.

Ramsey's Christmas List

I made a christmas list for him of things that might help my parents better take care of him. We're trying different food brands out because he struggles with frequent stomach issues, and we can't seem to figure out what food my sister was feeding him. This list is by no means a necessity for him, but I tried to add things to help with his boredom and keep him stimulated when my parents can't give him all their attention.

i do want to state that my family is capable of providing him with the essentials to live, we arent irresponsible. i would just like to help my parents out since a 3 year old 80-90lb doberman is a lot of work to be suddenly placed on them soley. And I worry for his health and well-being sometimes - Remi has a tendency to eat/tear random objects when he's bored.

please consider donating whatever you can. Everything goes directly to him.

thank you for taking the time to read this, and possibly reblog if possible. ❤️

[jesncin]

I’d really like to hear your thoughts on MAWS characters alongside Lois, if you want to do that of that’s entirely up to you but it would be really interesting ^_^

I've written about maws a fair bit on this blog! You can find my general thoughts on the jesncin talks maws tag and my massive maws Lois essay here for my thoughts on her. Suffice to say I'm not a fan of this show, lol. I haven't been able to stomach watching season 2 so my entire knowledge is limited to season 1. With that said, roundup of my thoughts on maws characters:

Clark Kent: boring. Vanilla. Critical lack of hero motivation and idealism outside of "people are getting hurt!" as a platitude. Just some guy who does chores because that's the nice thing to do. Not defeating the Superman Is Boring allegations- just has an uwu cute cinnamon roll himbo filter on it.

Lois Lane: xenophobic asian lois lane is the worst crime ever committed to me. A historically jaded, award winning, accomplished career woman fighting against work place misogyny is now a cutesty uwu girl-failure who needs the help of two men to get hired. Barf.

Jimmy Olsen: I get the attempt at making him a conspiracy theorist as a means of tapping into Jimmy's wacky silver age antics and to bounce off of Clark for shenanigans, but it doesn't meaningfully interrogate how that is at odds with his job as a journalist. Also he was sidelined hard in S1- more than he was in CW Supergirl.

Perry White: I was hoping that unlike STAS and if MAWS was going to pull from anime, that this meant strong relationships with Superman's cast system. But nope. Perry is just a running gag. I was hoping for a Snapper and Kara dynamic like in CW Supergirl.

Scoop troop (Cat Grant, Ronnie Troupe, Steve Lombard): Superfluous characters, easily delete-able. All of which have been reinterpreted as anime stereotypes. Yawn.

Newskid Legion: Also delete-able and a waste of my time. They should be called newsies. They make no sense as outdated characters placed in a futuristic setting. What is child labor doing this late in the game. Be more creative with modernizing outdated characters.

Pa and Ma Kent: Boring. The biggest problem you can have with the Kents is making them generic supportive parents like they're sentient Hallmark cards. Pa Kent got the bad end of the stick as the clueless parent, while Ma Kent was pushed as the heart of the family to Clark. Not that she did much.

Vicki Vale: Absolutely insane of this show to add another Asian xenophobe woman journalist. The MAWS crew love gloating about how they're not going to include Batman in MAWS, but they can't resist putting a Gothamite in their show and stealing rogues from other heroes. Could've brought Angela Chen (a canonically asian Metropolis reporter) from STAS but I guess she's not as big a name as a Gotham character, eh?

Livewire: the glowdown of a century. DCSHG continues to outperform every modern version of this character. Why make her a generic smuggler when her original job as a shock jokey is far more interesting?? Podcaster or influencer was right there. Her motives make no sense too.

Intergang crew: Why. Did they consolidate. Banshee with two random rogues (Mist & Roughouse) and call them Intergang. That's so many glowdowns at once. I've never seen someone look at a hero's diverse rogues gallery and say "let's consolidate all these characters so we have less material to work with in the future". I hate how the rogues are all tech based, and share the same origin. These baddies kickstarted the show's "villains with petty crime motivations": no ideological or thematic draw to them.

Ivo/Parasite: Another villain with nonsensical motivations. His business is going bankrupt so he sets up an investor event party to show off his Black Panther Lexo suit (which was apparently a response to Superman! A stranger that we can't trust! And somehow these expensive suits are more trustworthy) only to attack his investors and get owned by Superman. Then he just has a hateful vendetta against Superman. People who think this is a good Parasite interpretation because they projected vague Elon Musk are kidding themselves. I could clown on MAWS' Ivo all day. He is so badly written.

Heatwave: Why genderbend a Flash villain when Superman already has a Fire Woman in his rogues gallery? Volcana? Remember her? She's from the same show yall got Livewire from? Praise this show all you want for "reigniting interest in Superman", it's clear they're willing to toss away actual Superman cast characters for more popular characters from other heroes when it suits them. What's Heatwave's motivations? Petty crime.

Slade Wilson/Deathstroke: Imagine building this character up to be a big threat only to do nothing with him lol. I can't take him seriously, his voice acting is the worst and I hate his design. This show is so desperate to make attractive villains for fangirls it's frankly pathetic. How did people even mistaken him for Superman? He doesn't FLY.

Mallah and The Brain: This is what happens when you revive gay villains and put them through the HarlIvy Respectability Beam on fast forward. The gay villains aren't villains anymore! Because that would be bad representation! They're now cute cuddly domestic dads who want to raise robot children and run away together!! How TRITE. Mallah has "american faking a french accent" syndrome but bad voice acting is the norm in this show.

Mxy: The one time they include a villain that Lois and Jimmy could easily help Superman defeat (Mxy's whole deal is that you can send him to his dimension by tricking him to spell or say his name backwards) they opt to make it even dumber by just "removing his hat". Because the MAWS crew aren't smart enough to think of ways Superman and his pals can trick Mxy. For the record, CW Supergirl got this right in comparison.

Legion of Loises: It's the way this show can't write competent women even when that's the goal. All the characters act so stupid and that includes the Legion of Loises. At least MAWS!Lois learns the important lesson that even though she's not as accomplished as these career focused versions of her, at least she can keep her man. Misogyny in a cute package.

Alex/Lex Luthor: Go away. Ugly design I can't stand him. Miserable voice acting as usual.

Amanda Waller: She's pretty generic here. Playing second fiddle to Sam Lane for the most part, but this show has a problem with fleshing out Black characters in general so.

Sam Lane: We now have up to THREE asian xenophobes in MAWS season 1. The crew did not think their diversity through because at the end of the day S1 was really about a White Guy Alien getting oppressed by mostly people of color. Without a hint of irony.

Jor-El: I thought the language barrier between him and Clark was an inspired choice and clever as a means of postponing Clark learning about his heritage. But nope. Jor-El just starts magically talking in English later on. Otherwise boring and generic!

Brainy: I know he's prominent in S2 so I can't speak much for his character from the small impression I got of him in S1, but I can say that he looks mad ugly <3 truly horrible rogues designs in this show.

PHEW!! That's my roundup of MAWS character opinions! Wild how I can't even pinpoint a character I like on this show, lol. I know Kara's in S2 as well, and what I've seen of her sounds awful. Her design is bad too. I'm just not ready for the heartbreak of meeting that version of her because I love Supergirl so much :((

[kingsansa]

Writing questions, when you start a new story do you mostly have it planned out or do you sort go with the flow? Do you know the beginning, middle and end and all the in between is changeable/movable? How much time do you spend on the characters before you start writing?

I love your writing and I'm always so impressed by how you manage to adapt them into you stories, I feel like they are how the characters would be in the time/setting for each of your stories.

Thank you for writing and sharing your stories.

Over the years, I’ve definitely gotten more neurotic about my writing process. In this sense, writing fic sort of gave me training wheels in a way and I’d say I’m more confident in my ability to lay the foundation for a story than I was five years years ago. With that being said, I’m still half of the belief that there is a such thing as over planning. There are times where I’ve written so much that I feel like I’ve already written the story and I have no interest in it anymore. So I tend to stick to these three steps.

where are we going? I’d say that I spend more time immersing myself in the setting than I do with the characters. When I say setting, I don’t just mean the country and city they live in, but the world they exist in, the circumstances that have led them to where the story starts. Sometimes I’ll write a timeline of precanon events. Sometimes I’ll create a Pinterest board. Sometimes I’ll make a playlist. Sometimes I’ll do all three. But some settings require more work than others. I prepped for IY by watching the proposal and rereading the wall of Winnipeg and me. I prepped for pp by watching spinning out on Netflix and reading a book about a girl who got pregnant as a teenager. The last three one shots I’ve been workshopping are all set in England in some regard, so I’ve spent a lot of time watching British shows. The goal is to lay a foundation solid enough for me to build the rest of the story on.

Who is all gonna be there? - I don’t spend a lot of time on the characters before I write beyond choosing who I’m going to write. During the hiatus after s6, I probably rewatched the show fifty times. I have all the books on audible. I even have the interactive editions with the maps, the character glossary, and the art. I have f&b and twoiaf. So I guess all that was my character work? I’m not claiming to be the number one asoiaf fan (it’s not even my favorite fantasy series) but I am a die hard stark loyalist, so I like to think I know those characters very well. But, with the exception of Robb and Rickon, they’re POV characters. We don’t have to draw conclusions about their personalities and motivations and hopes and dreams. We know them. For me, the more interesting character work lies in the characters that manage to make an impression without having a POV. We know Jeyne Poole is dramatic, irrationally romantic, and has a bit of a mean streak. We know Edmure is a lot more intuitive than people give him credit for, a hothead with a heart of gold. We know Mya is beautiful, brave, and wears her heart on her sleeve. I also like using what little we know about them to draw conclusions. Myranda and Mya grew up together, so it’s more than likely they’re friends. Benjen and Edmure are around the same age and share siblings by marriage but couldn’t be more different from each other. How much do you wanna bet they butt heads at family functions? Brandon was fucking anything in a skirt. Did he learn that from Rickard? Arianne had feelings for Oberyn, was in talks to betroth herself to Edmure, and was once betrothed to Viserys. That’s three different uncles! Is she an uncle fucker? These are the questions that keep me up at night! And I love finding ways to fit these different characters together in my stories. Myranda, Mya, and Theon have more in common than their age—they all have daddy issues, a flirtatious disposition, and are secure in their sexuality. Why wouldn’t they be friends? Or lovers? Robert has 16 children—and those are only the ones we know of—there’s no way all of them are white. Theon likes milfs and Cersei likes pretty boys that flatter her. They would definitely hook up. Jeyne is Sansa’s best friend (and possessive of that title, judging from her friction with Arya) she would DESPISE Margaery. Catelyn and Alerie are both southern girls that love popping out kids. What if they were in the same sorority in college? I’ve come up with ships you guys have probably never even considered based on as little as one shared trait. I have an entire tik tok collection dedicated to Mya and Waymar. Why? Because it’s fun! That’s what character work is for me more than anything else, having fun.

How are we gonna get there? - after I establish where the story will start and where it’s gonna end, it’s just a matter of getting there. With that being said, my outlining process can be fickle. I like to do three outlines. The first outline is extremely sparse, just a list of events I want to happen in no particular order. In the second outline, I rearrange these events I see fit. The third outline is where I break these events down into scenes. For every scene, I write down what I need to remember for when the time comes, including bits of dialogue. This is the skeleton I use to write. Sometimes, when I’m writing, I find that what I wanted doesn’t actually work on the page and I have to go back to the drawing board, which is the first outline. Hell, I’ll even start over from scratch, which calls for three more outlines. But with wips, my second outline is my Bible, so on a macro level, I try to keep everything static. The things I do end up changing and rearranging are never drastic.

Hope this all made sense. Thanks so much for reading!!!! 💗💗💗💗

[lean-mean-demon-genevieve]

Who’s this Anson character? I took a step back from tumblr and now I feel like I need a book to figure out what I missed lol.

With him yet again leeching off of appearing with Jared this weekend, now seems as good a time as any to circle back to this ask because I too have been perplexed by Jared’s supposed friendship with this guy for some time. And as per usual, I brought receipts.

Anson Gordon seems to first be publicly linked to the Pads in Sandy Molinare’s Instagram in 2016. This looks like he has been a part of the wealthy, and fairly conservative circle that both the Pads and the Ackles use to run with at that time.

He clout-chased a few times in 2018 in his IG story and wanted to let the world know he has famous friends, with Jared and Danneel (in the background of a video) making appearances. He then started more regularly sharing pics of himself attending UFC fights with Jared in January 2020. And since then, his presence has only grown to include other Austin goings-on, more testosterone fueled events, some weapons safety and/or stuntman gig on Walker that included some brief screen time, meeting up with the Pads on their 2021 Italy trip, Jared’s car accident last year in which he and his son were passengers, and a spot on the Pads Family Feud team earlier this year. He is seen, and confused for Jensen somehow in the comments, in this IG post of Jared’s, sliding down a slide like best buds. He is regularly seen showcasing himself on socials interacting with Pads errand boy, Charlie Capen (you won’t convince me he didn’t record that slide video), as well as Clif and various Walker actors.

I will be 100% transparent here about my political leanings that run deeper than fandom. I don’t like this guy because I feel like he is the very conservative, aging frat boy of my nightmares. I don’t care that he’s rubbed elbows with other rich people at the Out Youth Gala, he is a salesman at the end of the day. I feel like he and I would strongly disagree on a lot of important (to me) issues/values, and the transference I feel when I look at him is strong. (That means he reminds me of people I know in real life.) He appears quite motivated to flex next to Jared at any opportunity and draw attention to himself. (Jared doesn’t showcase him nearly as often. The slide post kinda surprised me. Again, who’s a good boy? Charlie is!)

To me, Anson comes off as caustic, shallow, arrogant, and chauvinistic. Here’s the story of how I got bored and nosy during the pandemic and came to these opinions:

This post from February 2021 was deleted months later as Anson posted more and more with Jared and Walker actors and gained followers/eyes on him. Now why in early 2021, would some folks from Texas even joke about secession?? The most obvious answer: the growing uproar over covid, mask mandates, vaccines, general pandemic limitations on their gentrifier (sorry/not sorry, wealthy Austinites) rich-kid fun. Look out y’all this privileged white male is “startin trouble.” Somebody ask this guy where he was on January 6th.

Exhibit B is less damning, but it irritates me so imma include it:

A smug face and pose like this with a firearm captioned “virtue signaling” sure feels like a jab at the sNoWfLaKeS, given the rest of the context. No, shooting guns isn’t a crime, and in fact it’s this guys livelihood, but why add the snark if you’re not an ass and hoping to instigate? It feels like a safe bet that gun laws were also up there on the list of reasons for Texas secession dreams.

Exhibit C, posted to his story in August ‘21 just prior to his IG account going private for a few months and right about the same time the Pads themselves got Covid:

I would love to know how Jared responded to being tagged in this mess. No I’m not suggesting he gave the Pads Covid, but I do think someone from the Pads or Walker team told ole boy to cool it with the anti-mask rhetoric so as not to reflect negatively on Jared, hence the private account. However you may feel about mask mandates at this point, remember that this was late summer/fall of 2021. Covid was obviously still rampant as the Pads and Anson himself would soon learn after returning home from Italy. How dare the Uber peasant ask that he respect his safety as he provides a service. Fuck that guy, right?!

It was after this in November 2021 that Anson first seemed to try to redeem himself by attending the Out Youth Gala with the Pads and also with his favorite accessory, his wife, in tow. What I won’t include here are the gross IG story video highlights from a different event that this tool has conveniently saved in which he documents his seemingly intoxicated wife’s side-boob for an uncomfortable amount of time. Guys can dig their wife’s bodies, and even do so on their own social media, but you gotta trust me that the ick factor is palpable. Bodily autonomy being what it is, maybe she’s ok with the multiple posts of this type, and I can respect that…and he’s shared quite a few.

But for me the final straw was when, not 24 hours after the horrific Robb Elementary school shooting in Uvalde, Texas on 5/24/22, Anson’s IG story was plugging his firearm silencer business and hyping the launch of new products at the NRA convention that coming weekend in Houston.

If you followed the link early on when I called him a salesman, you may have already figured out that this man has made a sizable fortune off of engineering top of the line silencers for assault rifles. The IG account tells me that they sell for about $700-$750 each. None of this is a crime, but he’s not exactly reading the room in this moment. In comparison, Gen was sharing post after post to her IG story during this time about the need for reform around gun laws and sympathy for the victims. But this guy knew a big convention was approaching and he needed to capitalize. Then he went golfing.

Are you still with me?

So this is why I cringe whenever I see this Wish version of Jensen snuggling up to Jared.

He’s not deserving of the positive assumptions that some fans/Jared stans have made about him based solely on his proximity to Jared. And let’s be honest, with the great big fandom divide these days, a lot of Jared fans are just all too eager to root for anyone that isn’t Jensen. But, in my opinion, you don’t get to show up at an LGBTQ fundraiser claiming to be an ally when you have no doubt voted to protect your own interests (guns, money) and cast ballots for people who also support drag bans and an end to gender affirming care. It doesn’t work like that, especially not in Texas. He’s invested in Texas staying red, and if you recall or scroll up, there was a time when it wasn’t red enough for him. He’s certainly not voting for LGBTQ+ human rights, but he will write them a check for damage control in the aftermath. What a guy.

To clarify, this is NOT an anti-Jared post, although some may see it as such. There’s no suggested call-to-action for the fandom coming from me. Jared is not Anson’s keeper. But at the same time, to an extent, we are who we associate with and with whom we spend precious time. And Jared spends a fair amount of public time with this clown and allows Anson to attach himself to him and profit off of him. Leeching onto Jared is the best thing this guy did to get his face and his veneers seen by a larger audience. So Jared, I love ya, but it’s not a good look. This guy had no qualms showing people who he was when fewer people were looking, but deleting posts doesn’t delete screenshots. And I’ve got those, as you can see.

[kurtmustdie]

third entry, Previous | next

Another Sketchbook dump post

Might do this every day when I have something new in my sketchbook might get me motivated to actually use it (I meant to over the summer but I just.. didn’t. For some reason.)

1st page: an older page from a while ago where I was coming up with a brightheart redesign and I really like it!! I like seeing her as a flame point cat so uh.. she is now it is canon I am the Erin’s now

2nd page: some very rare cookie run related art wow. I like AffoVelvet. Watch me go drop this on the wiki after being inactive for like a month hehe. I just kinda doodled red velvets new design I used to draw him very differently.

3rd page: moreeee warriors au contennntttt look it’s Ebonydrift she’s back :D she’s Jessica Drew’s cat counterpart and she’s deputy of SpiderClan. She’s one of the coolest deputies I’ve written in a while (mainly because I haven’t focused in on deputies since.. the old OC times ☹️), and I really like how fluffy she is. Fluffy cats are really cool

4th page: some Spider-Man OC lore but simplified!! In a longer explanation: Jumping Spider (or just Mikey) is from a universe that was completely destroyed due to nuclear war. Super cool (which basically means all his canon events involving dead family members all kinda took place in the same general time.. oops.. maybe I should use that 👀)

5th page: some more lore. js is very lonely and will scream.

6th page: idk I felt like making Mikey, Hobie, and Gwen all friends because I felt liked they’d get along. (JS is only like.. a little less than a year younger than Hobie idk I can’t decide on a canon age for him so I’m keeping it vague??)

They’re basically just idiot, instigator and “omg guys stop”. But they get along I swear /lh

I’m very tired (also thanks for all the love on my art, I’ve barely been on tumblr for that long and I already love posting art here, y’all are awesome :)

[sabraeal]

hello! I absolutely love your writing style -- have a lovely way of implying what the character is thinking or feeling without being very obvious about it, so as a result your characterizations (regardless of the characters's ages) are mature (I'm not sure if I did a good job of articulating myself, sorry haha). What are your inspirations and influences? Thanks and hope you have a lovely week!

Ahhh, thank you so much! I am a firm believer in Limited 3rd Person POVs, and an even bigger one in low narrative interference. The job of a POV character is to relay events and their thoughts about it from their point of view, which I think at times people confuse with the like...true perception of the story. So I try to make sure that they only perceive what they are able to-- which sometimes means that they misinterpret other characters' motives, or disregard things that are important for the story later. I really want the reader to work a little, to make their own opinions about what's going on, since that's what really makes a story you want to go back to-- something where each time you read, you find a little something more to deepen your understanding of why things happen, or how other characters are perceiving events.

I would say my inspiration and influences change from fic to fic! Every story is a little different, and I draw from different things I've read or watched or heard depending on what I want the fic to be. I'd say that my perennial favorite authors are probably George RR Martin (Jaime/Brienne was a formative ship for me, both in ASoIaF, and in fic), Daniel Abraham, Genevieve Valentine, Catherynne M Valente, and Frances Hardinge; but who I draw from purely depends on what I'm writing 🤣 There are fics where I strive to be more lyrical (not a natural muscle for me to flex), and some that are more comedic; some where I'm digging deep into a more archaic fantasy style and some where I'm going for something comfortably modern. I've also absolutely been influenced by other fic writers, but that list would be MASSIVELY long.

[humanwheatleyslefttoenail]

why do you ship chell and glados if glados is basically her mom

Okay this is actually a pretty common misconception in the fandom that unfortunately a lot of people have taken as canon, but I’m feeling nice so I’ll answer your question.

Basically, anon is referencing a theory from around 2012 that Caroline is Chell’s mom. The evidence for the theory is as follows:

- The turret opera calls Chell “bambina”, which means “little girl” in Italian

- Chell’s name can be found on a Bring Your Daughter To Work Day science project

- GLaDOS references the possibility of Chell being adopted multiple times

- GLaDOS is significantly nicer to Chell after discovering she’s Caroline 

And, anon, you’re right, it does sound like a pretty good argument at first glance. The problem is that a lot of these points don’t actually hold up to scrutiny.

For example, although “bambina” literally translates to “little girl,” it’s often used in the same way “baby girl” is used in English - it can mean child, but contextually it’s usually a flirtatious term. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary)

For Chell’s science project, it doesn’t work as evidence for the theory because GLaDOS killed the scientists around 1998-ish, when Caroline had presumably been uploaded several years earlier and Cave was already dead. Also, Chell’s in her 20′s, and since we know from Lab Rat/Portal 2 that people don’t age in stasis, and that Doug put Chell at the top of the test subject list only weeks after the takeover, Chell was 28 at the time of the takeover. The science project is really only an Easter egg and doesn’t actually fit into the canon timeline let alone prove anything about Caroline and Cave. 

GLaDOS talking about Chell being adopted is a pretty strong point, I’ll admit, but also it’s important to remember that maybe half of what GLaDOS says is true. And even if we take what she says at face value, she also says there’s a man and a woman in stasis with Chell’s last name, which could not have been Cave and Caroline because they were already dead at that point. And the official book Final Hours Of Portal 2 confirms Cave and Caroline were not married and could not have shared the same name anyway. It was also the 50′s, an an unmarried couple of two likely famous people having a child would’ve been scandalous, and yet we see no hint of something like this affecting their company. 

Also, although GLaDOS is nicer to Chell after the Caroline reveal, that’s not necessarily indicative of a mother-daughter relationship, and neither is any of their interactions. It’s just. GLaDOS being friendlier. 

Finally, when this theory was made (and let’s be honest - it still is happening) Chell was constantly whitewashed to hell and back. 

Chell is Japanese-Brazilian, and Cave and Caroline are white, so it would be a near impossibility for her to be their biological child (and insisting otherwise is kinda. just. whitewashing). And although people will cry “adoption!”, based on what I’ve previously proven, that’s pretty much impossible. This theory that somehow she’s Cave and Caroline’s daughter erases an important part of her identity. [Disclaimer, I am white, but this is what I’ve heard from around the fandom]

With all that said, the idea that she’s the daughter of Cave and Caroline really doesn’t hold weight when you really analyze the canon. It’s surface level analysis that doesn’t hold up. And honestly? The idea kinda cheapens the story. It’s much more powerful that GLaDOS learns to care about Chell and becomes kinder than just. Oh, she remembered she’s related to Chell. 

But to actually answer your ask. 

Why do I ship them?

Well, they aren’t mother and daughter, I think that’s pretty obvious now. But if you actually look at a lot of subtext in Portal 2, without the lens of the mother theory, it’s actually pretty romantic! 

I know that sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!

Now - it’s totally okay if you don’t ship them. I get it. Their interactions in Portal 1 and the first half of Portal 2 are toxic if not outright well. Y’know. Murderous. I completely understand why that turns people off from shipping them, and ultimately, shipping is a personal thing. To each his own. 

But before you judge me, let me present my case.

Exhibit A: Portal 

Portal is kinda gay. No, really. Chell and GLaDOS are enemies in this game, but the entire focus is on their relationship (good or not) and the power struggle between them. They are opposites, two sides of the same coin, different representations of opposite ideologies. People have analyzed Portal as a relationship metaphor, or as a metaphor about women’s role in society - either way, the heart of Portal is the complicated dynamic between Chell and GLaDOS. 

That’s not necessarily enough to code a romance, but a lot of popular (and especially popular queer ones) ships begin with opposite ideologies, symbolic powers colliding. Portal cements their relationship as a toxic one, something on the verge of falling apart and hurting both parties in the end. The ending image, of Chell and GLaDOS side by side after the battle, reinforces the symbolic parallels between the two. 

The companion cube is also pretty symbolically important to this interpretation. It’s literally a representation of someone’s heart, and you are told to protect it and preserve it under GLaDOS’ orders, and then you have to destroy it regardless of how you actually feel about doing that. You are destroying GLaDOS’ heart, so to speak. 

There’s also the ending song, Still Alive. The lyrics speak for themselves.

They hint that GLaDOS’ feelings about Chell are more complicated than they may appear (if she’s not being sarcastic...) and she literally talks about Chell breaking her heart (also, think back to the companion cube. Yeah.). The entire song is structurally similar to many a breakup number, with the laments of “I’m glad it happened, but also leave.” 

At the end, we also see that the long promised cake GLaDOS was supposedly lying about was real the whole time. Before Portal 2 came out, it was mostly interpreted as a stinger ending (along with the nicer lyrics of Still Alive) to make you question GLaDOS’ true motives and intentions.

She actually did have a real cake waiting for you. (Side note - not really evidence, but in Argentina, “torta” means cake in Spanish. It’s also a slang term for lesbians. So. Do with that what you will). The cake is what GLaDOS offers you to lull you into the sense that she cares about you, so discovering that “the cake is a lie” wakes you up to the realization that she doesn’t. Except then the idea is subverted one last time, at the very end, showing that the cake is real and at least some of what she said she meant. 

You also see the companion cube. You know, GLaDOS’ symbolic heart?

Now, okay, you might be thinking I’m extrapolating a bit too much. And you might be right. But Portal is not the only game in the series, and if you’re asking me about Cave and Caroline you obviously know about Portal 2.

Exhibit B: Portal 2

If you thought Portal was gay, Portal 2 turns that up to 11.

Even before GLaDOS wakes up, you’re treated to some visual subtext. A few of Rattmann’s drawings representing the events of Portal 2 focus a lot on the relationship between GLaDOS and Chell, with more of the cake symbolism.

In this, you can see a face layered on top of GLaDOS. This could be foreshadowing about Caroline, and likely is, but also resembles his other drawing of Chell. It insists that Chell is a part of GLaDOS, or reinforces parallels between Chell and Caroline, hinting at something either way. 

In this picture, we also see Chell standing on top of GLaDOS, in the same position where the overlay of the feminine face was, again referencing the parallel. It also presents them as opposites, fundamental parts of the same thing and both connected to the same basis, but on opposing sides. 

When GLaDOS wakes up, she returns to her antagonistic role, but there are more hints to something deeper just like in Portal. 

Here, in her awakening lines, she references Chell not unlike an estranged ex. Also worth noting that GLaDOS is pretty much the personification of testing (in a sense, she is testing since she can control all of Aperture like an extension of her body), and insinuates that Chell loves to test. And that she reciprocates that feeling.

In test chamber 10, she says this:

It’s supposed to be threatening, but it does read as almost... sentimental. 

There’s also another chamber with companion cubes in Portal 2. I already talked about their symbolism in Portal, and the same pretty much applies to them here. However, GLaDOS says something interesting about them during this level:

Once again, meant to be intimidating, ends up coming off as “well, GLaDOS, why were you going to give Chell a heart shaped representation of yourself that says ‘I love you?’” And you might think I’m stretching the GLaDOS’ heart metaphor thing a little far here, and I might agree, if the companion cubes didn’t literally sing Cara Mia for you. 

Cara Mia is the turret opera from the end of the game, which is all about how much GLaDOS cares about Chell. More on that later. But the companion cubes play a song called Love as A Construct, and when you get close to them, they sing a specific part of the song that has the tune of Cara Mia. These things literally exist to sing about GLaDOS’ feelings. 

Which makes this line a lot more. For lack of a better term. Tsundere-ish.

Then, right before the escape, she starts talking about the confetti from her fake surprise. 

I really don’t have to explain this one. What else does GLaDOS consider an inconvenience but might miss anyway? Or, more aptly, who else?

Then, during the escape, she teases a (fake) final test chamber in front of you, and forms the panels in the shape of a heart. No, really. 

Up to this point, a lot of the points I’ve presented are interspersed with a fair amount of antagonization on GLaDOS’ behalf, more Foe Yay than anything actually hinting at something deeper than GLaDOS being conflicted about whether she loves or hates Chell. But things really ramp up after Wheatley’s betrayal, when the two of them are forced to team up. (I should also note here that “enemies to lovers” is a pretty classic queer romance trope.)

Here, GLaDOS is put on an equal level with Chell and they have to rely on each other if they want to survive. For the rest of the singleplayer campaign, GLaDOS becomes a lot nicer and even friendly to Chell. There comes a point where she starts referring to Chell as a teammate, calling them “we.” She begins to consider them one unit, two opposites unified. Here’s what she says after the lemon rant:

You can not only see her using we, but actively talking about how her and Chell are going to fight Wheatley together. There’s also that last line - “let’s explode with some dignity.” GLaDOS has fully accepted the very likely possibility that she and Chell might die together. That she might die on the same level, and the same team as Chell. And she seems... surprisingly okay with that, as long as she and Chell go together. 

It’s during the Old Aperture levels that Chell and GLaDOS also discover that they have a lot in common. This is the part of the game where GLaDOS figures out she’s Caroline, that she’s human. Or, that she’s like Chell. And Chell discovers (from what we can tell anyway) that Caroline is kind, that she’s funny and smart and so many of these things she never noticed about GLaDOS before. Now also with the knowledge she is fighting alongside another human being. 

You can also draw parallels between Chell and Caroline, both intelligent women ultimately betrayed by their seemingly innocuous male friends before being trapped in Aperture and forced to team up with one another in a way that will free both of them. We see that really, GLaDOS isn’t that different from Chell - she too has been imprisoned in this place against her will, but in a completely different way. Once again, the idea of two sides of the same coin applies here. 

I’ve written another meta about this before, but I also think the whole idea of repressing a part of your identity and hating it, before bonding with another woman and then realizing that it’s okay to be like her and to be on her side. It’s okay to be yourself and meeting her is what helps you discover this new part of yourself. Is kinda inherently gay. GLaDOS’ discovery of her own humanity just fits so well into a queer realization narrative, to me at least.

Then, Chell and GLaDOS escape Old Aperture and have to get through Wheatley’s tests. 

Here, GLaDOS isn’t just begrudgingly on Chell’s team. She’s actively helpful. She wants to help Chell solve tests, defends her from Wheatley’s insults, and makes jokes to lighten the mood. Things that can really only be explained by her caring about Chell, especially the part about the insults. See below.

After the two escape Wheatley’s testing track, right before the boss fight GLaDOS has a few other things to say.

GLaDOS is not going to betray Chell, because of some kind of conscience. But she could easily ignore that back in her body, and yet? Here she’s deciding not to, and for no good reason. She didn’t have to say that to Chell, but she did, because she cares and she wants Chell to live.

And then, moments before the fight:

The final lines imply that GLaDOS does not think of Chell as an enemy anymore, and that it doesn’t matter what Chell thinks because they are in this together and they are getting revenge together. It’s pretty heartwarming to be honest, to know that even in a fight that will almost certainly kill you, she is there rooting for you and caring about you, even if you don’t feel the same way about her. It no longer matters to GLaDOS whether you even reciprocate - you staying alive, you making it through is enough for her.

So Chell fights Wheatley and sends him into space, all well and good, and at this point, GLaDOS has the option to kill Chell. But not only does she not, she actively saves Chell, and holds her hand in the process. If you don’t believe me:

And not only that, but when Chell goes unconscious from her injuries, GLaDOS sits and waits for her to wake up. It’s also implied that GLaDOS carries her to the elevator, since it’s where she wakes up but not where she passed out. In the scene where Chell blacks out, you can also hear the part of Love As A Construct that sounds like Cara Mia. Yeah. Yeah.

If you think that this cannot possibly get any gayer, you are wrong again, because then GLaDOS makes her final speech. Which is really just a love confession, let’s be honest.

The “surge of emotion?” Do you mean love, GLaDOS? And the idea of GLaDOS considering Chell her best friend, despite everything these two have done to each other? The idea that GLaDOS, out of all people, forgives someone?

Except this isn’t even Chell’s final send-off. GLaDOS writes her an entire opera of turrets, that sing a literal love song. (Note what I said earlier about the use of the word “bambina”).

It really can’t get any more obvious than that. “My (affectionate romantic term here), my dear, I adore you.” How. Is. That. Heterosexual. In. Any. Way.

So Chell goes to the surface, set free by GLaDOS (think of the saying “if you love something, set it free), and you think that’s the end. Until GLaDOS gives you a companion cube so you aren’t alone on the journey, and from the burn marks, you know it’s your first companion cube. Her original heart, her first gift to you, a piece of her that she wants you to carry with you to remind you that she does care about you after everything. It also gives the lyrics to Still Alive a much more genuine meaning. 

Portal 2 ends, and then the ending song, another GLaDOS number plays. Just like Still Alive, Want You Gone is structurally a break up song and very obviously about GLaDOS missing Chell and “counting on” (read: caring about/loving) Chell’s tendencies and quirks. 

She’s accepted Chell completely, and yet also given Chell the one thing she wants most. Only wanting Chell gone can mean GLaDOS not wanting Chell in her life anymore, but can also mean she wants to give Chell the freedom she’s wanted for so, so long. It’s the best thing she can give.

In the co-op campaign, GLaDOS also references still caring about Chell.

And that’s the end of the Portal series. Except. Brace yourself. Despite the games being over, there is STILL more subtext somehow. It gets. Even gayer.

Exhibit C: Supplemental Evidence

Valve has made a lot of extra/cut content for the Portal series, and I’ll be looking at some of it below.

This official valentine from Valve shows GLaDOS offering a romantic partner cake, which as we’ve established before, is very symbolic of GLaDOS’ feelings about and/or relationship with Chell. 

There’s a lot of other concept art and official art that emphasizes their relationship too. See below.

There’s also some cut GLaDOS lines that are even gayer than the source material and again, sound like confessions or references to a breakup:

The idea of “discovering things about someone”... how much more obvious can it get?

The developers have even confirmed a lot of my commentary on Chell and GLaDOS’ relationship in The Final Hours Of Portal 2. See these quotes from the book/this post:

The devs literally describe it as a romance. They use terms like “cheating,” they wanted to write a romantic duet, JoCo purposefully wrote the endings like love songs. It is literally, blatantly said by the creators of the game that their relationship is interpreted romantically. By the creators of the game. 

And if Word of God confirmation isn’t enough for you, have a song written for a cut alternate ending by GLaDOS’ voice actress, Ellen McClain. The song is literally nothing but GLaDOS talking about caring about Chell, about not wanting her to die/leave GLaDOS alone, about wanting to bake a cake with Chell, about waiting for Chell to wake her up. It’s so genuinely sweet and sad, and really, really romantic in the most heartwrenching way possible. 

JoCo also came back for the Portal levels in Lego Dimensions, writing one final breakup song for GLaDOS to sing about Chell. It comes off as GLaDOS not wanting to admit she misses Chell even though she obviously does, trying to replace their relationship but failing, and even explicitly forgiving Chell/wanting her to come back.

Also, the “finally I understand,” as if only now GLaDOS understands just how deep her feelings for Chell are... What else can I say?

In Lego Dimensions, GLaDOS also outright rejects anyone who isn’t Chell.

In Conclusion:

Why do I ship Chell and GLaDOS? 

Well, ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether I ship them. 

Because I think it’s glaringly obvious Portal does.

[attempted--eloquence]

So I was going through my drafts. and like, back in February when I was thinking about Valentine’s day fic ideas, I ended up drafting this silly matchmaking fic (based on the 36 questions for love) but I decided to abandon it bc it’s silly and I’m too lazy to flesh it out any further than this. But I dunno it’s maybe cute-ish. So I figured I’d post it here. So yeah!

anyway below the cut is Liam and Theo meeting at a matchmaking event<3

Liam Dunbar - ♥ - Theo Raeken

It’s a Match!

——————————

Name - Dunbar, Liam

Age - 25

“Question one,” Mason reads, settling beside Liam on the couch. “What is your idea of a good night out?”

“Uh, I guess…dinner? A movie?” he shrugs. “Wait, no, don’t put that. That’s probably what everyone is gonna say. When’s the last time I even went to a fucking movie theater? Umm, let me think.”

“Liam, dude.”

“No, hold on! Just—just gimme a sec,” he says.

“How about I just put ‘dinner and a movie’ as a provisional answer and we can move on—”

“Got it,” Liam blurts. “Mini golf.”

“Mini golf?”

Liam nods. “Mini golf.”

“Okay. Mini golf,” Mason sighs, typing in his answer.

“Wait! Maybe one of those barcade places, actually?”

“Only ten questions, and yet I’ve got a feeling we’re gonna be here all night,” Mason sighs.

——————————

Name - Raeken, Theo

Age - 27

Tracy stretches out on the futon, draping her legs across Theo’s lap. She says, “Alright, c’mon. What’s your idea of a good night out?”

“That night you, me, Don, and Josh broke in and hotboxed the projection booth during the horror movie fest is hard to beat,” he grins.

“Mm, try again. Something that won’t prompt the matchmaking company to report you to the local police department?”

“Like they’d be able to find anything on me,” Theo scoffs. “My record’s been expunged.”

“Fine. Good nights out that don’t involve criminal activity?”

He hums, offering a lazy shrug. “Don’t remember most of ‘em.”

“Theo.”

“Kidding,” he sighs. “You know, I hear bingo nights at the senior center get pretty rowdy.”

“I really hate you,” Tracy says beneath her breath.

“Heard it before.”

——————————

“What color best represents your personality?”

Liam glances down at his sweatshirt.

“Blue.”

“Okay,” Mason nods.

“That’s kind of basic isn’t it?” Liam frowns. “I mean, blue? Everyone’s gonna say blue. What color did you say on yours?”

Mason raises a brow, says, “Green.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m comforting and have a mellow energy, I don’t know, dude, I just said green!” Mason answers, waving a dismissive hand.

“Personally, I think you’re more of a teal.”

“Okay, last I checked, you were only signing up for this event with me because I’m too chicken to go alone. Now, you’re putting more effort into your answers than I did.”

“...Let’s go with blue,” Liam relents.

——————————

“I’d say…something between green and black. Like the solid part of birdshit,” Theo answers. “Familiar, but distinctly unpleasant.”

“At least you’re self-aware,” Tracy mutters. “I’m putting red. Confident, warm, and inviting.”

——————————

“I’m easy-going, but also, uh, motivated. And…confident. Yeah. Confident. But not arrogant. Definitely not that. But I have a sensitive side, right? I totally have a sensitive side. Oh, and Hayden used to say I was very thoughtful, so maybe that. And charismatic.”

“Liam—”

“And genuine.”

“That was like ten times the amount of words you were supposed to give,” Mason sighs.  

“Okay, look, just put down…” Liam trails off. He glances around his apartment, like his home decor will give him the answers. “Adventurous, kind-hearted, and intelligent.”

——————————

Tracy scrolls to the next question. Says, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Down. To. Fuck.”

——————————

“What traits do you like and dislike most in a potential partner?”

“My dislikes?” Liam says. He draws his lip between his teeth, thinking. “Um, Impulsivity, indecisiveness—”

“Are you just describing yourself?” Mason asks.

“Very funny.”

Mason doesn’t laugh.

Liam falters. “Oh, shit. Wait. Am I?”

——————————

“What traits do you like and dislike most in a potential partner?”

He grins. Answers, “I like hefty bank accounts and dislike rigid morality.”

“Fucking hell, Theo, you have to take this somewhat seriously. They’re gonna match you with an absolute trainwreck and then I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Trace, I never even wanted to do the whole speed dating—”

“It’s a blind date event,” she corrects. “Not speed dating.”

“Blind date thing. It’s a combination of my two least favorite things, mandatory small talk and insincere pleasantries with strangers. You’re kinda forcing my hand here,” he grumbles.

“Donovan didn’t complain a single time when he took the personality questionnaire,” Tracy says.  

“Donovan is a serial dater. He’d probably sign up for this even if it wasn't a promotional event for your restaurant.”

She adds, “And Josh helped me put flyers downtown advertising Singles in the City for hours last weekend.”

He narrows his eyes. “Are you implying I’m an unsupportive friend?”

“I’m implying that I’m thinking of demoting you to ‘acquaintance’ status.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would.”

Theo shoots her a dry look.

“I know it’s silly to you, but it means a lot, okay?” Tracy stresses. “Hopefully, people will come and meet their soulmates and then fall in love, and get married, and have babies, and they’ll tell their kids the story of how they met at some cheesy matchmaking event at Chimera, and they’ll return on their anniversary and ask to sit at the table they first met at, and—”

“This is a soft opening for your restaurant. Not a rom-com.”

“I know, I know. I’m a mess,” she groans. “If all else fails, it’s an easy way to establish a customer base and gauge how the appetizer selection will go over with guests. If…anyone actually shows up.”  

Theo softens. He relents, “Okay, whatever. I’ll take it seriously. Promise.”

“Good, ‘cause I’ll be too busy overseeing the front and back of house to get in on the love connection action. I’ll have to live vicariously through you,” Tracy sighs. “Last one. Do you have a gender-specific preference?”

“Eh, surprise me. But, if they match me with a chick maybe I’ll send her your way.”

“Now that’s worthy of you being promoted to Best-Friend-For-Life status.”

“Only if the date sucks though.”

“Wow. How generous of you.”

——————————

“And last pre-survey question…” Mason mumbles. His composure has melted. He’s a lump on the couch, looks more ready to nap than anything else. “Do you have a gender-specific preference?”

Liam shrugs.

“Nope.”

Mason sits up, bewildered. “That’s the only question that hasn’t taken you five minutes to answer. I’m kinda proud.”

“Well, in that case, you think we can reinvest the remaining four minutes to look over my other answers?”

“Oops, my finger slipped,” he presses enter and shuts the laptop. “Looks like your answers have been submitted.”

——————————

“You gotta last name to go with that first?”

Liam startles, only slightly. A guy—his date?—settles into the chair across from him. His nametag says Theo. His face says he’s uninterested.

“Dunbar.”

“Dumb-bar?”

Liam scowls, “No, it’s—”

“Raeken,” he says.

“What? I said Dunbar.”

“My name. Theo Raeken.”

“Oh. Oh,” Liam nods, shifting in his seat. It’s quiet. He hates the quiet. He wonders if his questionnaire answers should’ve been tweaked so that he could’ve been paired with someone that would show more interest in him than in the trays of food being carried around by waiters.

“Look, this is gonna suck, probably,” Liam says. “I mean it’s always weird having to do icebreaker questions and shit with people you don’t know, but uh. Let’s at least give it a shot. Full-fledged honesty’s the best way to go about it, right?”

Theo pulls his lips into a smirk. “And what if I told you I’m a pathological liar.”

“I’d say we’re off to a great start,” Liam mutters.

Theo leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. He runs a finger along the stem of his champagne glass.

“Full-fledged honesty? This is my friend’s place, and I only agreed to participate to offer moral support in exchange for free drinks and hors d’oeuvres. Not love. Sorry to disappoint.”

Over half an hour spent filling out that stupid questionnaire and Liam gets someone that bluffed for a complimentary dinner. Just his fucking luck.

“But…you’re single?”

Theo nods.

“Yes.”

Liam quirks a brow. He asks, “And you’re not lying about that?”

“Nope.”

Liam shrugs.

“Alright. I can work with that,” he slides the sheet across the table. “Ask me something.”

Theo lets out a bemused snort. He loses the disinterested expression, though, so Liam will consider that a win.

“Okay. Question one: Out of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?”

Liam mulls the question over for a few seconds. Says, “Maybe Plato.”

“Anyone in the world and you choose an old dead dude whose greatest ideas are already documented and who speaks a different language.”

He scoffs, “Who says I don’t know Ancient Greek?”

Theo shoots him a dubious look.

“Alright, so, maybe I don’t. But in the fantasy world where anyone can be my dinner guest, let’s assume I’m fluent in every language. And I’m not gonna pass up the opportunity to chat with an ancient Greek philosopher,” Liam answers. “I’d mostly just hope to soak up some enlightenment through osmosis. Plus he’d probably be running his mouth enough that I wouldn’t have to bother with entertaining him much.”

Theo takes a sip from his champagne glass.

“Running his mouth, huh. Sounds familiar.”

Liam sends a glare his direction, but it’s weak. He says, “Alright, smartass, who would you choose then?”

“Pet names already? I’m flattered,” he drawls. “My sister, probably.”

“Out of everyone. In the entire history of the world.”

“Yep.”

Theo doesn’t elaborate, just slides the question card over back over to Liam. He plucks a bacon-wrapped scallop off the appetizer tray carried around by one of the waiters, pops it into his mouth and raises an expectant brow.

Liam gulps.

“Question two…”

——————————

“Do I have a secret hunch about how I’ll die?” Liam groans. “Geez way to kill the mood. I’m still trying to work through the crushing mortality of reaching my mid-20s and this certainly doesn’t help with—”

“I think I’ll go out in a horrible freak accident somewhere random. Like a hardware store. Accidental beheading in Home Depot aisle 12,” Theo interrupts.

His insane answers are almost charming. Theo doesn’t take himself seriously and that makes it halfway-easier for Liam to let his guard down, too.

“Well. Personally, I was thinking something more along the lines of…uh, old age,” Liam shrugs. “My grandpa’s still kicking at the ripe age of 98.”

“Damn. Hope you didn’t just jinx him.”

“Dude.”

Theo raps his fist against the table, lips twitching into a grin.

“Knock on wood.”

——————————

“Am I boring you, Dunbar? Guess my idea of a ‘perfect day’ is too routine for you, yeah?”

“No. Sorry, not at all. Just,” Liam’s eyes drift across the restaurant, “that’s my friend and his blind date. I’m wondering how it’s going.”

Theo cranes his neck. Asks, “Which one?”

“The guy in the denim jacket at the table over there.”

Mason laughs too hard at something his blind date says, spills his glass of water on the neckline of his shirt in the process. Smooth. He’s totally gonna rant to Liam about that later. But his embarrassment will probably be overshadowed by the way he’ll swoon over how blind date guy uses his own napkin to dab at the wet splotch on his collar.

After a moment of unceremonious staring, Theo glances at Liam and says, “They’re beating us.”

“What?”

“Look at them,” he jerks his chin in the direction of their table. “They’re totally leaving here together. Hope he wasn’t your ride.”

Liam frowns. “Well. He actually was—”

“So, c’mon. You gonna let them outdo us or are you gonna win yourself a ride home tonight?”

Well. Liam’s never been one to turn down a challenge.

——————————

“Next one,” Theo says, face scrunched up in preemptive distaste. “Take four minutes to tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.”

Liam grimaces. “Think we can go back to the stupid fantasy questions?”

“C’mon, let’s hear it,” Theo sighs. “I’m timing you, motormouth.”

“I don’t like that pet name.”

“Didn’t ask.”

Liam levels a halfhearted glare at him. Says, “Fine, I’ll start, but you have to promise not to interrupt with a snide remark.”

Theo frowns, all mock-hurt. “That doesn’t even sound like me, but, whatever. Go ahead.”

It’s rushed, Liam’s summary of his life. Dad. Mom. Wedlock-baby him. Glosses over a volatile home life and shared custody and years of anger issues and psych appointments and school re-assignments. Finding a home in lacrosse, his college scholarship, his current assistant-coaching side gig when he’s not working as a curator. Fills in the a picture of his life with a broad brush that he hopes doesn’t make sirens blare in Theo’s head. The timer doesn’t go off. He’s not sure that Theo ever set it.

“So, yeah. That’s…me. I guess,” Liam sighs. At Theo’s patient silence, he adds, “I mean, whose idea was this? Yeah, reveal all your personal baggage to a complete stranger. Boom, instant love connection.”

Theo snorts, “Hey, I don’t know about you, but the subject of court-mandated therapy really gets me going.”

“Alright, your turn,” Liam says, grateful to step out of the spotlight. “Give me some of that full-fledged honesty.”

Theo’s casual about growing up. Only slightly vague. Keeps his voice even in a way that suggests he’s had to do a lot of reckoning with past. Talks about his parents, how them not being around much put him through situations he wishes he didn’t have to experience. But when he mentions his sister, her death, his words go heavy with self-directed blame.

Liam doesn’t time him. At all. Partly because he’d forgotten about the time constraint and partly because telling Theo to stop is the last thing he wants to do. Plus, it’d be a real asshole move. Making someone shut up the moment they decide to open themselves up.

“Anyway, yeah. Self-destructed my way through high school. Cut ties with my parents and got my shit together enough to go to college. I’ve been pursuing social work ever since,” he says, idly smoothing out creases in the tablecloth. “How much time is left?”

“Uh. Well. That would assume I even started the clock in the first place.”

There’s a lull. Quiet but far from uncomfortable. Liam’s cheeks heat up. He’ll blame it on the…lighting. The flame of the tealights in the center of their table. Definitely that.

Theo says, “So. Associate curator.”

“Yep. I spend long nights staring at old, dusty artifacts,” he nods. “Social worker, huh.”

“Mhm. My bank account is full of cobwebs and dust, so we have that in common,” Theo quips. “But, it’s important work to me.”

“Yeah,” Liam murmurs. 

Theo nods. “Yeah.”

——————————

What is your most terrible memory?

Theo’s expression flattens. He says, “Not to impede this highly-scientific matchmaking process, but I’ve found that alcohol and reflecting on bad memories don’t mix. If you don’t mind, I’ll pass.”

Liam exhales, lips tugging upward into a shaky grin.

“You have no clue how badly I was hoping you’d say that.”

He picks up the card, taps it once against the table.

“Alright, next question. What does friendship mean to you?”

“My friends are my family,” Theo says.

“I can tell,” Liam snorts. “You wouldn’t be suffering through a matchmaking event otherwise.”

Theo’s forehead creases. “You think I’m suffering?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Theo gestures to a table across the dining area, where a man and woman sit stiffly across from each other donning match expression of discomfort.

He says, “I think they’re having a much worse time than us.”

——————————

Stare into your partner’s eyes for four minutes.

Liam blurts, “Would this be a bad time to—”

“Shut up, you’re supposed to be staring dreamily into my eyes right now.”

Liam rolls his eyes and stops the clock.

“How long did we make it?” Theo asks.

“Thirty-nine seconds.”

“God, I take it back. That thirty-nine seconds is my most terrible memory,” he huffs out. “You were saying?”

“I—uh. Sorry, this is embarrassing,” Liam mumbles. He draws his lower lip between his teeth. Admits, “I forgot your name like, twenty-five questions ago. Although I could probably rattle off your entire backstory now. But, what was it again?”

Half-restrained amusement flits through Theo’s eyes. He pulled his name tag off and balled it up inside his napkin shortly after introductions. Liam blames that noncompliance for his forgetfulness.

“I only agreed to 36 questions, Liam.”

“We skipped one,” he points out. “So technically you owe me one more answer.”

“It’s Theo.”

“Theo,” Liam echoes, lips curling upward. “Alright, it’s only fair that you ask me something now.”

Theo leans forward, eyes trailing across Liam’s face.

He asks, “Can I have your number?”

[sitp-recs]

Hidden Gems by scoradh

Scoradh is another personal fave that I don’t see being recced as much as she should, or at all. Which is a shame because her HP fics are absolutely brilliant! Most of her works were written back in 2005-2008 and updated later on AO3 so maybe that’s why they’re all hidden gems? You should all go check her LJ page too, which is where I found out she’s in her 30s now, and that knowledge left me shooketh. How is that even possible?! Guess some people are born genius like that 🤷���‍♀️ I’m listing below some works that may have fallen off the radar, Drarry and rare pairs at your heart’s content. Tbh I haven’t read some of those more than twice because this author has a penchant for MCD 💀 I don’t go there anymore but those fics still left a big impression on me not only in terms of world building and narrative but also in terms of clever dialogue and characterization, chef’s kiss content.

Rachel’s writing is unique, charming and full of wit; it builds the mood effortlessly and allows the characters to come alive and work their way inside your heart with their banter, their pining, that sexy angst and those emotional endings. I love her perception of Harry and Draco as two quirky, vulnerable, edgy and complex creatures. This is the kind of author that gets me willing to try pretty much everything they decide to write no matter the ship or trope. Mind the tags and feast on these treats!

Drarry

Clear As Mud (2005, M, 10k) - brilliant fwb, pining & jealousy, miscommunication, mentions to infidelity (Hinny). One of my favourite Dracos ever!

Set post-war and post-Harry's-conscience...Read my rec here.

Open Season (2005, M, 10k) - hilarious one shot, 8th year get together, meddling friends

Disaster lies in wait for the unsuspecting. Harry encounters a series of confusing events which lead him to one person: Draco Malfoy. Unfortunately, Draco is as befuddled as he is ... featuring a cast of thousands who are all in the know, and two boys who most emphatically are not.

Snakes and Ladders (2005, M, 20k) - Professor Draco, dad Harry, enemies to friends to lovers, slow burn. Cw: Cho bashing, misogyny

Sixteen years after he last clapped eyes on the Boy Who Lived To Be A Thorn In Draco Malfoy's Side, Draco is filling Snape's old shoes with aplomb. History, though, has a nasty habit of repeating itself. Draco has his comfortable existance turned topsy-turvy with the appearance at Hogwarts of Harry's son, who turns out to be able disrupt Draco's life with as much competency as his father.

Drawing Down The Moon (2006, E, 20k) - another fave with disaster Draco and pining Harry giving him some love advice, fake relationship, found family, all the good stuff. Cw: major character death

After breaking up with Blaise, a drunken Draco begs Harry Potter for help in winning him back. In a fit of misguided philanthropy (plus one or two ulterior motives) Harry agrees. In the midst of the ensuing chaos, at least one person falls in love.

DIY Messiah (2008, M, 26k) - so well written! friends to lovers slow burn, kid fic, divorced Draco, living together. Cw: infidelity (Hinny) - Ginny is awful here, you’ve been warned

Harry stopped hating Draco Malfoy on Bring Your Kids to Work Day.

Interview With The Hero (2006, E, 71k) - Draco in Egypt and Spain, identity porn, a thrilling mystery and great OCs! This fic is a fantastic journey. Cw: domestic abuse, prostitution, major character death, ambiguous ending

At the age of twenty-five, Draco is confronted with the past he'd rather not remember and the questions that still need answering. Still, a little Slytherin guile goes a long way. The only problem is that he might discover more than he bargained on about the people he thought he knew.

Rare pairs

Of The Race That Knows Joseph (2006, E, 8.4k) - excellent Remus/Regulus with enemies to lovers, getting back together, non-linear narrative, background Remus/Tonks

When dead men walk and badgers give you sarcastic looks, it's time to re-evaluate what it means to be a werewolf.

Like Candy From A Baby (2006, E, 13k) - sweet and funny Harry/Ron with friends to lovers, pining and sexy Ron on a mission to seduce oblivious Harry!

Ron seduces Harry.

May Contain Nuts (2006, E, 32k) - brilliant, hilarious, chaotic post-war Harry/George, a must read. cw: major character death

After Voldemort is defeated, the script for Harry's life comes to an end. Unsure of what to do with his life, he does nothing. Only one person is on hand to show Harry that a hero is not the sum of his vanquished enemies, but he's got problems of his own.

The Road Less Travelled (2007, M, 55k) - a very sweet and refreshing Scorbus journey (written before CC)

The adventures of Albus Severus Potter and his best friends, Scorpius Malfoy and Rambo Dursley, as they face down bullies, make friends and in passing learn some magic at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

[virlath]

The great betrayal

So far, we’ve only really heard what happened in ancient times based on Solas’ own words. But we also know that he speaks in half truths. His own dark legends as told by Felassan, his old friend, paints him as cunning and practiced in double-speak dark wisdom.

His MO is reminiscent of Imshael, a forbidden one who tricked Michel into releasing him (thereby reactivating the eluvian network, which was ultimately what Solas wanted). They both blur the line between spirit and demon and they both traverse the fade as if it is their home.

And I have to say, Solas’ version of events leading to Mythal’s death doesn’t add up.

He claims the precursor to the veil was the evanuris killing Mythal. Abelas reaffirms this version of events by specifically saying ‘the dread wolf had nothing to do with her murder. She was slain, if a god truly can be, by the people who also destroyed this temple’.

But at the end of the day, the only person who stood to gain the most from Mythal’s death was Fen’Harel and his slave rebellion, not the evanuris.

After all, the evanuris’ entire claim of divinity hinged on the claim that they were truly ‘immortal’.

"The gods, our Evanuris, claim divinity, yet they are naught but mortals powerful in magic who can die as you can. In this place, we teach those who join us to unravel their lies."

Based on ancient mosaics at Fen’Harel’s sanctuary, we can presume the evanuris knew the secret to ‘effective immortality’ by body hopping. I am assuming the method to do this is probably similar to Corypheus and his arch demon.

It seems that not many regular people knew of this secret however, which was why Solas took it upon himself to start his rebellion, expose their mortal flaws, and fight back against them to reclaim their freedom.

If the evanuris betrayed and killed Mythal as Solas says, they would have had to announce to everyone that the head of their pantheon, the goddess of love and protection, was dead and gone forever. But in doing so, they would also be exposing their own false divinity, revealing that they themselves can also be deposed.

According to Solas, Falon’Din started many wars to gain more worshippers. They likely started all these wars because the evanuris had the security of effective immortality. Their primary motive seems to gain more followers or slaves, rather than power over each other. In fact, Solas’ surprise at learning Corypheus also learned this secret proves it was not common knowledge even back in ancient Elvhenan.

So, knowing that the evanuris likely kept the secret of true immortality close to their chest, why would they want to off Mythal completely? Deposing her did not automatically mean they gained more power. Remember her killers destroyed her temple but left her well intact, and that was really where a lot of her power lay.

Maybe they were really were power hungry as he says, and mutinied against Mythal. Maybe they were poisoned by the void’s magic. Or maybe, they were manipulated by Fen’Harel to betray and kill her, to set an example and turn people against the false gods.

"The brand of the Evanuris can be lifted from you, that all may know you oppose their cruelties. None here are slaves. All are under our protection. All may choose to fight."

Fen’Harels sanctuary reveals his rebellion actually did attempt to try to fight against the gods. So imagine if Mythal, the head of the pantheon, was actually killed.

Mythal’s death would have sent a very clear message to the evanuris and everyone under their rule- the gods were not divine, and they were all mortals just as they were. This event would have been a huge turning of the tide for Fen’Harel’s rebellion to be honest.

I previously thought Solas and Mythal worked together in their rebellion, but maybe Solas was cunning enough to evade even her. Based on Cole’s dialogue, it wouldn’t be a surprise to learn he was also once a slave of Mythal’s (he left a scar when he burnt her off his face). And as to the reason why he doesn’t trust anyone? His distrust could simply be because he himself is the betrayer.

We can assume from DAI’s epilogue that Mythal and Solas were once close and Flemeth even calls him ‘old friend’. Perhaps Fen’Harel used his close relationship with Mythal as his shield, because the last person you expect to betray you is the person closest to you.

Just remember, an enemy can attack, but only an ally can betray you. Betrayal is always worse. 

Solas does seem genuinely remorseful about everything and his dialogue with Cole indicates he created the veil to save them. Maybe the evanuris were on a trajectory to destroy the world by using their magic and their slaves in their endless wars. Orchestrating Mythal’s death could have been a big part of his rebellion- he needed to resort to drastic measures to send a clear message.

I did not lead a slave-rebellion against immortal mage-kings without getting my hands bloody

There is also the propaganda on the dread wolf we can find in trespasser:

The pages of this book-memory?-warn of a terrible danger, a wolf with slavering black jaws and pits for eyes. The Evanuris-the elven gods-stand in a ring around it, as if preventing it from attacking.

"Beware the forms of Fen'Harel! The Dread Wolf comes in humble guises, a wanderer who knows much of the People and their spirits. He will offer advice that seems fair, but turns slowly to poison. Remember the price of treason, and keep in your heart the mercy of your gods."

It’s been assumed that this propaganda was released by the evanuris to dissuade people from joining Fen’Harel’s rebellion. But a lot of it also rings true, and it is one of those codices that has bugged me for ages in how foreboding and ominous it is.

It has parallels to the inquisitor’s own journey. It has elements of Solas’ own MO. And it reveals that Fen’Harel potentially even manipulated the false gods themselves.

From the dev notes in DAI, he will kill anyone- even Flemeth. He killed Felassan, his old friend. He says in Tevinter Nights, he will kill anyone without hesitation if they stand in his way.

I think there is a lot of solid evidence of his underhanded tactics in the events leading to Mythal’s death. Maybe he persuaded her killers to leave the well intact so that she could come back as a new being and reclaim her power. As he says ‘his people do not die so easily’. Mythal’s death and creation of the veil could have even enabled the blight as we know it today...

Because as told by Flemeth, Mythal became a wisp, just like Solas’ wisdom spirit friend. Based on dialogue with him, he insinuates wisps grow and reform in the void, where its assumed the blight’s magic is based on. 

Maybe his intention was to use Mythal as an example for his rebellion, but also attempt to reform her because she was his friend. But along the way, Mythal’s spirit corrupted into vengeance because she was ultimately betrayed by people she trusted.

If Mythal was Fen’Harel’s big sacrifice, it would also draw so many obvious symbolic parallels to Andraste, who as I’ve said before has a lot of suspicious links to Mythal. Remember Solas’ chess game with Bull in DAI? He sacrifices the queen in order to win the game.

This is of course all speculation and deduction- I don’t claim that Solas definitely betrayed Mythal. But from a story perspective, this would be an absolutely amazing plot twist, even bigger than the reveal of Solas being the dread wolf.

I mean....can you imagine that reveal in DA4?! It would explain so much of his regret and burden of guilt because Mythal was once his closest friend. On a thematic level the emphasis on power and sacrifice and revenge and forgiveness would all be there.

Fen’Harel being the betrayer but not the true killer but the orchestrator behind everything, completely embodying the trickster god trope...ahhh I just can’t stop thinking about this tbh.

[kotokoharrow]

Case Study 001: Haruka Sakurai

Note that this analysis is based around my own views. I do not present my way of interpreting Haruka as fact, and I am sharing this to see if others agree with me. If you disagree, you are more than welcome to say so and we can discuss it!

Content Warning: This analysis contains discussion of: Animal abuse and death, child abuse and death, emotional abuse, child neglect, murder, flashbacks and nightmares. Please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to any of these topics!

Evidence List:

Haruka’s Profile

Haruka’s Voice Drama

Undercover

Weakness

Two Breaths Walking

Voice Line

Timeline Convo

Character Analysis

A young male prisoner, quiet with downcast eyes. During Es’ early interrogations, he offered only a few constrained words in response. However, he has gradually become more talkative, forming an emotional bond over the course of his interviews. Once one begins to converse with him, his gentle pre-disposition is revealed.

He has a meek temperament and, even in Milgram, does not appear to be dissatisfied. Barely manages to communicate with Es and the other prisoners. However, during conversations, as if some meaning is lost along the way, there is a disconnect.

Haruka is a teenager with a very low opinion of himself, shown in his attitude in his voice drama and the lyrics of his song. When he appears in Undercover, he is shown wringing his hands together, avoiding looking at the camera, and when he finally does shows an unhappy expression. These pieces of his body language show that he is an anxious boy.

Haruka doesn’t appear to be very bright, with his song being written in hiragana, and he struggles to follow along with everything that Es says to him in his voice drama. He even says himself that he isn’t very bright. However, this is likely a result of his mother’s treatment of him, as he hasn’t been allowed to develop as he should have.

The shot in Undercover that shows his room shows young children’s toys on the floor. This, along with his speech patterns, show that he remains in a child’s mindset, despite being 17 years old. I believe that this is due to him becoming ‘stuck’ at an age where he experienced a traumatic event as a child - the event that revolved around fireworks and the girl in his MV.

Haruka’s primary motivation is love. He was neglected and emotionally abused by his mother his whole life, and so has been deprived of the love that most people receive from their parents. Despite love being his motivation, he shows in his interrogation questions that he doesn’t really understand what it is - he just knows that he wants it.

While his primary motivation is love, Haruka’s primary fear is abandonment. He is also afraid of being deceived, which again ties into his fear of abandonment. Haruka believes that everyone will leave him when they learn what he has done, and also believes that he will bring misfortune to others. This belief of bringing misfortune to others is likely a belief that his mother gave to him.

Haruka avoids situations and things that remind him of his trauma, such as animals and small children. This, as well as imagery in his MV, his mother’s treatment of him and his general personality, lead me to believe that he experiences PTSD.

The kanji in his given name means ‘far’ or ‘distant’, which likely references his personality, and the fact that he finds it difficult to get close to and communicate with others, due to having been deprived of connections for most of his life.

MV Analysis

I believe that Weakness takes place after Haruka has committed his crimes, and that it’s showing events from his past in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, which is why they appear distorted and there is heavy symbolism. As a result of this, even what we see in the MV is ambiguous as to whether it really happened, as dreams are not always literal and even with flashback-type nightmares, key facts can appear different to what happened in reality.

At the beginning of the MV, we see Haruka sitting in front of a dressing table, looking at himself in the mirror. The table is likely his mothers, as the perfume bottles on it seem to belong to a woman. Behind Haruka, we can see a window that shows that it’s daytime, but when his reflection in the mirror changes into his younger self, we can see that it is night-time outside (with red sky and a full moon). As the image changes, I believe this is Haruka experiencing a flashback, or perhaps a sign that he is having a nightmare.

I also believe that Haruka experiences PTSD as a result of his mother being emotionally abusive and neglectful towards him. I believe that this mistreatment when he was a young child explains a lot of his current personality - his behaviour fits in well with the behaviours of people who survive emotional abuse (doubting his own perception of things, a very strong negative opinion of himself, fear of abandonment).

There are many lyrics in Weakness that I believe point towards Haruka’s mother being emotionally abusive. The notable ones to me are: ‘Tell me, why are you drifting away from me? / Tell me, why do you say it’s my fault?’ and ‘If I tried and couldn’t say it / You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”’. I believe that these lyrics are directed at Haruka’s mother.

As for imagery in the MV, when Haruka initially falls backwards from the dressing table, he falls into the liquid from his mother’s perfume, which shows how her treatment of him has surrounded him. Later, while he’s walking alongside her happily, she barely looks back down at him, and when adult Haruka pushes his younger self back, the following image is shown:

I believe the drawing in the background is meant to be Haruka’s mother, and his cruel treatment of his younger self is meant to show that he has internalised his mother’s abuse, going on to blame and punish himself for what he believes she would blame and punish him for.

Later, it shows Haruka as a child watching the fireworks with a girl his own age, whose face is blacked out like his mother’s. While it’s not clear what exactly happened, something bad happened to the girl, and she vanished from his life.

This is pure speculation, but I don’t think that Haruka killed the girl. I think something bad happened to her - possibly she even died - and that Haruka blames himself for what happened, whether fairly or unfairly. I believe that what happened was traumatic to Haruka, and he tried to avoid thinking about the bad part by focusing on his memory of the fireworks, which is a part of his denial.

Later, Haruka is petting a dog with his mother. Then, he goes outside to search for the dog, and comes across the dog’s body. Initially, I believed that Haruka had killed the dog, and I still think that this is a highly likely theory, as yellow roses are seen (which in flower language used to represent jealousy), and the lyrics that play during this point are ‘You praised me by saying “You’re crazy” / Thank you, I’ll do my best’ which, to me, alludes to children acting out for attention when they are being neglected, because due to the lack of positive attention they begin to see all forms of attention as a good thing, including negative attention.

However, in the timeline conversations, there is an exchange between Haruka and Shidou where Haruka has bloodied hands, and he tells a concerned Shidou that it comes from a bad habit of his, that when he’s tense he clenches his fists and his nails dig into his palms, causing them to appear bloodied.

Shidou: Sakurai-kun...? Could you show me your hand? Haruka: Hei!? No, this isn’t... it’s n-nothing... Shidou: Lend it to me. ...Your palm is covered in blood. Let’s have it disinfected. This... has it always been like this? Haruka: A-ah... I-it’s a habit... W-When I feel tense I grip my hands really tight, and my nails...

This detail has caused me to wonder if Haruka didn’t actually kill the dog. We see child Haruka looking for the dog nervously, and then appearing horrified when he finds the dogs corpse, then he looks down at his hands and sees blood on them. We also only see adult Haruka bludgeoning the dog. It’s common for people with PTSD to re-experience trauma from different perspectives, or with details changed, so it’s possible that Haruka did not kill the dog.

However, at this point, I think either explanation could be possible, so I’ll leave both of those theories here and move on.

Later, when it shows adult Haruka strangling child Haruka, I believe that this is when Haruka’s Milgram murder takes place. Before he begins strangling his child self, he is seen looking at a memory of himself being ignored by his mother, and becomes enraged, lashing out at his child self and strangling him, seemingly in an act of self-loathing.

However, I believe that Haruka is actually murdering his mother, having finally snapped and let out all of his repressed feelings. After the murder is over, I believe that Haruka was so horrified by what he did, he went into denial - which is something he has practice from doing his whole life - and the details of what he did became distorted.

In conclusion, I believe the following:

The MV takes the form of Haruka’s nightmares, which is why it’s ambiguous, unreliable and distorted

Haruka was emotionally abused and neglected by his mother since childhood

Haruka didn’t kill the girl, but he does blame himself for what happened to her

EITHER: Haruka killed the dog to try and get his mother to notice him, OR Haruka didn’t kill the dog but still in some way blames himself for the dog’s death

Haruka killed his mother directly due to his repressed feelings of anger towards her for abusing and neglecting him

Haruka is horrified by what he did, and on some level is in denial of the facts of what happened

Misc Analysis

Undercover

Haruka’s bedroom has toys that would be more appropriate in the bedroom of a young child. This shows that he is mentally stuck in a child-like state. Interestingly, there is also a drawing of a tree with two snakes that also appears during his MV. I don’t know what this means.

Haruka is shown strangling Es, which backs up the idea that Haruka’s murder happened when he was shown strangling his child self. Haruka’s mouth is wide open, showing that his murder involved heightened emotion on his part. This wasn’t a cold and calculated murder, this was a spur-of-the-moment response to something.

Interrogation Questions

I’m picking a few notable interrogation questions to analyse. In general, though, Haruka’s answers were much simpler than Yuno’s, which shows his child-like mindset and difficulty in understanding things.

Q: If one of your wishes could be granted, what would it be? A: I want to be loved.

Pretty straightforwards. This shows Haruka’s core motivation is to be loved.

Q: When was your first love? A: I don’t know.

Q: What’s the difference between romantic love and just love? A: Don’t they both mean that you like someone?

Q: What’s your ideal date plan? A: I don’t understand.

Despite his core motivation being wanting to be loved, Haruka doesn’t understand much about love, due to having been deprived of it his whole life.

Q: What kind of person is your father? A: I disappointed him.

This is the only time we hear of Haruka’s father. I’d guess that his mother blamed Haruka for his father leaving them, and that’s why he believes that he disappointed his father.

Q: Have you ever had a pet before? A: I have not.

Q: What is your favourite animal? A: I don’t like animals.

Q: What are some things you can’t deal with? A: Small children and animals.

Haruka denies any incident that was traumatic to him.

Q: What do you think of your family? A: I love them.

Despite having been deprived of love from his mother, he still says he loves them.

Q: Tell us what you enjoy doing. A: I like talking with the other prisoners.

Haruka talks about what he’s been doing since coming to Milgram, which implies that he didn’t have much he enjoyed doing beforehand.

Two Breaths Walking

A song about a boy meeting a girl. The girl tries to teach the boy about life, but due to the boy’s mother having taught him about life wrongly, he struggles to understand, and as a result ends up hurting the girl.

With Haruka as the boy, the girl in his MV as the girl, and his mother as the boy’s mother, this directly parallels Haruka’s MV. There isn’t much to talk about, because the parallels are pretty direct. It backs up the idea that Haruka’s mother was abusive, teaching him wrongly through her abuse and neglect.

Voice Drama

Es: Now, let’s begin the interrogation. Prisoner Number 1, Haruka. Haruka: O-Okay… I-I’m sorry… Es: Huh? Do you have something to apologise for? Haruka: U-uh, no… I’m sorry.

This shows us Haruka’s submissive personality. This kind of apologising for any perceived fault is very common in survivors of emotional abuse, because they learnt in the abusive environment that their abuser could find fault in anything, and to lower the severity of abuse, they would apologise. However, as this level of apologising isn’t needed or expected in regular situations, when it carries over it stands out.

Haruka: Ah, uh, um… I didn’t understand whatever it was you were saying. It was difficult. Es: Huh? Haruka: Uh, um… I’m sorry. I’m not that bright. Es: Haruka. What age are you? Haruka: Um… 17 years old, I think. Es: You think? Haruka: Uh, well… I have no interest in my age… I’m sorry.

Haruka isn’t used to having to think for himself, which is also common in survivors of emotional abuse. Abusers try to make their victims dependent on them, they may try to make decisions for their victims, or in the case of abusive parents may speak for them and deprive their children of the ability to develop. Taking into account Haruka’s cover song, I think it’s likely that this was the case with his mother.

Es: The only name left that hasn’t been said is Amane. Haruka: A-Amane. Es: What’s wrong? Haruka: I-I’m not good with them. Children at that age. A-Amane is a good girl, but she brings back b-bad memories.

This is most likely referring to whatever happened with the girl in Haruka’s MV. Haruka avoids thinking about traumatic incidents, even in his nightmares he avoids the details of them. Avoiding triggers of traumatic events is a symptom of PTSD.

Haruka: It’ll happen sometime. I… I… Even though I try to be normal, everything gets ruined. You, everyone, if you knew me… If you knew everything that I did… I’m… gonna be abandoned, that’s bound to happen. Because I’m a selfish killer.

Due to his abuse, Haruka solely blames himself for everything that happens. It’s likely that his mother blames him even for things that weren’t his fault, so this thought process stuck. Haruka’s primary motivation is love, and his biggest fear is abandonment.

Glitched Voice Line

Then what should I have done instead!? Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!

I believe that this line from Haruka is addressed to his mother who he killed. He felt that he had no way to gain her love, and he is looking to her to tell him what to do.

Other Theories

Twin Theory

A theory I’ve seen says that the child in Haruka’s MV isn’t Haruka as a child, and is actually his twin. I don’t think we have any evidence to support this. I think that, given how much of Haruka’s MV is made up with abstract imagery, we should be careful with interpreting it too literally.

Autistic Haruka Theory

I have no issue with people seeing Haruka as being autistic, however, all of the theories about him being autistic seem to come from an outdated view of autism. I am autistic myself, and while I can recognise a lot of autistic traits in Haruka’s behaviour, I don’t think autism is what they were going for. I think that Haruka’s ‘autistic traits’ are, instead, supposed to show that he’s in a child-like mentality after a trauma that took place in his childhood, and that his behaviour has been strongly influenced by his abusive mother. I believe we have evidence that points towards this specifically, but no evidence that points specifically towards Haruka being autistic.

Unexplained

Why does Haruka say that his hands bleed when he’s nervous and what connection does that have to the blood on his hands in the MV?

What is the significance of the necklace that Haruka wears?

What is the significance of the girl in the MV?

What happened while watching the fireworks?

Did Haruka kill the girl?

What’s the significance of the tree and the snakes?

Final Verdict

My Verdict: Innocent.

I’m very glad that the popular vote determined that Haruka was innocent! My major reasons for this are: 

1. His MV is the most abstract right now - it’s unclear exactly what happened, so any judgement based on his crime is going to be difficult. 2. For Haruka to open up more, I think he needs to be reassured that he will not be abandoned. I think that Haruka’s second MV will give us more details, because we have reassured him that he will not be abandoned.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long thing! I hope to write these for all of the prisoners, and eventually catch up to where we currently are with the voting! If you enjoyed my analysis, please consider sharing so it can reach a wider audience!

[chicksung]

Can’t You See Me? || Choi Chanhee

part of @ficscafe fic exchange event!

Genre: angst, little bit of fluff, ghost!au

Pairing: ghost!chanhee x reader (ft. younghoon)

Word Count: 2.4k

Warning/s: death, depictions of depression, dealing with death, mentions of a car accident

Synopsis: You loved Chanhee, with your whole being. You didn’t what you would do without him. However, it seems like life intended for you to be without him for the rest of your days

A/N: this fic is for rani @letteredwings please enjoy lovely. sorry that it’s a little late :/ this is unedited. please ignore any mistakes

any and all feedback is appreciated

Choi Chanhee promised you that he would love you until the day he would inevitably stop breathing and cease to exist. You always laughed off the comment, thinking it was just a stupid saying he would be saying into old age. You wished you had taken it as a sign, maybe you would’ve been more cautious, maybe this whole situation could’ve been avoided. What you didn’t know is that he had died a liar when he said those ridiculous words. He loved you after he passed too.

Chanhee stood helplessly in the kitchen, watching you stand there with an aching heart. You were wide eyed, shocked and frozen from the news.

“I’m…sorry?” You stammered, hoping, praying, that your ears were deceiving you with mean elementary school tricks.

“Is your partner Choi Chanhee?” The man’s voice seemed down, like he was scared to tell you again.

“Yes, he is. We’ve been together since high school,” You informed him, trying to push down the sickening churning in your stomach.

“I regret to inform you that your partner has passed away. We received a call this morning of an accident. A truck had collided with a car. The truck driver seemed to be okay, but your partner’s injuries seemed to be more serious.” Every word pricked your heart, which was as fragile as a balloon being poked with a needle, “We tried everything, but he eventually passed away. I’m very sorry for your loss.” You nodded, your chest tightened painfully, your vision blurry from the tears in your eyes. 

“Alright, thank you for letting me know. Have a good afternoon, sir,” You signed off, trying to keep your voice from cracking.

“You too, and again, I’m sorry for your loss,” The line went dead and you placed the phone on the kitchen counter. Chanhee? Dead? No, he can’t be. He had specifically said he would be careful on the road. Tears slipped down your cheeks like sweet raindrops, your knees pathetically giving out as you wailed, yelling out obscenities and curses. Chanhee ran behind you.

“No, I’m right here! Can’t you see-” He went to place his hand on your shoulder when he realised how pale, almost transparent, he was. He sat beside you on the floor, a million thoughts passing through his mind. He couldn’t comfort you, only able to listen to you cry his name in a desperate plea to bring him back to you. Chanhee’s heartstrings tugged harshly, but he was helpless. He was nothing but a memory now, a missing part of your shared apartment, a ghost. 

You stood amongst crowds of familiar faces, his friends, family, distant relatives, colleagues, the list goes on. Who they were didn’t really matter to you, what mattered was the casket being carried away from the church doors and out into the miserable weather. Fitting, you supposed, that it was pouring with rain on the day of his funeral. Attendees moved outside, umbrellas creating a dismal cloud of sorrow above them. It had been two weeks since Chanhee had passed away now, but for some reason you could not bring yourself to cry. No matter how many times you felt his absence, not even after looking in his open casket, no tear stung your eye. You watched emotionlessly as his coffin was slowly dropped into the rectangular hole just beneath his headstone. 

                    Here lies Choi Chanhee

                Loving son, brother and friend

                 April 26 1998 - August 17 2021

                   Until we meet again, my love

You felt a hand slide across your shoulder comfortingly, Chanhee’s best friend, Younghoon’s. You didn’t react, didn’t flinch, didn’t move. You remained stone cold and kept your face void of expression. A different feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. Irritation? Anxiety? Frustration? It was hard to describe, which typically meant it was complicated, and you didn’t really like complicated feelings. You could sense a storm coming, and judging from the storm clouds of emotion in your mind, it didn’t look like it would be clearing up any time soon.

A distance away from the gathering of mourners, a pale figure stood solemnly. Sure, watching his own funeral felt weird, but Chanhee could only think of you, and how you stood there, in a similar way to him, unable to display your emotions. He wished for one second, just one, that he could understand what you were thinking, feeling, praying. Maybe there would be a way to ease the pain you felt in your heart? He was technically responsible for said pain, so shouldn’t he try and fix it?

Younghoon had been coming over more, Chanhee would notice when he would be sitting on the foot of your bed, which you had not made the effort to get out of. Everyday, the time you would eventually get up would be pushed back. Before, it was only an hour later, then it was two, then three, then four, until one day, he noticed that you only got up to go to the toilet. He would listen to you cry, sniffle, send the occasional text to someone. Younghoon had seemed to notice, so had made it routine that he would come over at exactly 1:09pm every day to help you get out of bed and try to create a productive day together. Chanhee had memorised the sound of Younghoon’s footsteps, the sound of his keys jingling in the door’s lock, the way he would hum as he made his way to the bedroom. Younghoon had become the life inside of the dead quiet house. Chanhee noticed the way that his best friend would look at you, the sad sigh that would escape his lips when he saw you, sprawled out and weeping. 

“Come on. You can’t keep moping in here,” Younghoon sauntered over to your bedside, crouching down to get a better view of your face.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want. Go away,” you hissed, pulling the covers over your head, childishly pretending that if you couldn’t see him, he would simply fade from existence. 

“Bubba,” he called out sweetly, tugging the covers out of your grasps, “you’re running low on food. I don’t want you going hungry, and besides, it’s a nice day outside. Whaddya say?” With a low groan, you slowly rose from the safety of your sheets, loose hairs sticking up in wild directions. Chanhee rushed to your side, his cold touch to your cheek sending a cold shiver down your spine. He sighed somewhat sadly as he watched Younghoon help you out of bed. It should be him helping you out of bed every morning, it should be him trying to motivate you with small activities. However, deep down he knew that if it were him, you wouldn’t even be struggling to get out of bed in the morning. He was the cause of your lack of motivation, he was the cause of your pain, your suffering. Every emotion you were feeling right now was because of him, and somehow, in some way, he wished he was still there. He wished he was Younghoon.

“Where’s Uncle Chanhee?” Your young nephew looked up at you with big eyes, confusedly looking around to find his favourite uncle. You sighed softly. You knew you would have to have this discussion with him sooner or later. 

“Uncle Chanhee...isn’t going to be coming today,” you explained, kneeling down to the four year old’s level. Chanwoo’s bottom lip quivered slightly, “Why not?” He asked with glossy eyes. He had been really looking forward to playing with Uncle Chanhee, and couldn’t understand why he didn’t wanna play with him. You knew Chanwoo was too young to understand death, but he had seemingly noticed Chanhee’s absence. You chewed the inside of your cheek, trying to think of some sort of acceptable lie to tell a child. 

“He’s not well today. He says he really wish he could play today, but he had to stay home,” You pet the boy’s head softly, hoping he would understand. The little boy nodded, seeming to understand.

“Can I make Uncle Chanhee a get well soon card?” He asked with wonder in his eyes, and you would have to be a monster to have said no.

“Of course, Woo. Go get your craft things.”

You helped your nephew decorate his ‘card’ which was really just a folded sheet of printer paper, but you weren’t about to rain on his innocent parade. 

“I’m still sad that I can’t play with Uncle Chanhee. I wish he was here,” Chanwoo admitted, writing a sweet message in lopsided messy handwriting. 

“Just because he’s not here in person, doesn’t mean he’s not here in spirit,” you explained, drawing a sun in the corner of the card for the youngster to colour in. 

“What do you mean?”

“It's kind of like magic,” you pondered aloud, “like a hug you can feel from someone who is not there.” The child nodded.

“Yeah! Like it still feels like mommy is hugging me even when she’s not there,” it was your turn to nod. 

“Exactly, Woo! You’re such a clever boy,” you ruffled his soft hair, making him giggle uncontrollably.

You were right, in a way. Chanhee was there, as a literal spirit. He felt a warm surge crash over his pale body, knowing that Chanwoo wanted to make him a card without fully understanding what was going on. A child too sweet for this world. However, it wasn’t Chanwoo he was focusing on. It was you. You weren’t crying, you weren’t wailing his name in agony. You seemed peaceful, collected, like you were watching the sunset over the sea. You were starting to come to terms with no longer having your boyfriend there. Sure, it pained you every morning to roll over and say good morning to someone who never even got into bed that night, but it didn’t hurt as much as it used to. He was unsure how long you would stay in this peaceful mindframe, but only the best storyteller will tell, time.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Younghoon asked softly, eyes just as gentle as his words. You nodded, confident in your decision. You were a little unsure when you first brought up the idea to him, but it had to be done. The both of you walked up the hill in the cemetery, hands intertwined. You two had been dating for some time now, but you always had this lingering feeling that Chanhee wouldn’t like what you were doing. You loved Chanhee dearly, but you felt the same about Younghoon. It had been almost seven months since you received that phone call, but slowly everything in your life was piecing itself back together, formerly shattered after the tsunami of emotions that wiped out everything that made you feel human. You stood at the face of his gravestone, his name etched prettily into the cool rock. 

“Hey,” you greeted, your hand slipping out of your boyfriend’s. Chanhee displayed an invisible smile.

Hey.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The sentence felt awkward and heavy on your tongue. 

It has. How have you been?

“I’ve been doing well. Just trying to get by, you get it.”

Yeah, I get it. Is that Younghoon?

“I was getting to that. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did. He helped me a lot after you passed. I owe him a lot. Mainly ice cream,” You laughed at yourself, partially because of your bad joke, and partially because of how ridiculous you must sound to anyone passing by.

You’re dating now?

“Yeah. I just...I wanted to say thank you,” you blurted, playing with the tips of your fingers.

Why are you thanking me?

“You taught me a lot, Chanhee. How to cook ramen properly, how to make the best oven baked pizza anyone has ever had, but most of all, you taught me how to love. And while I love you so much, my god, you can’t even believe to comprehend it, I’ve found someone else that I love,” You felt tears spring to your eyes. You were the only one talking, so why did it sound like you were saying goodbye? You glanced at Younghoon, who only smiled weakly. 

“Can I say a few words?” Younghoon stepped forward, placing his hand on your shoulder, the same way he had done the dismal day of Chanhee’s funeral. You nodded wordlessly, watching your boyfriend stride towards the grave of his best friend. Younghoon traced the etched marks of his friend’s name before giving a small smile.

“You’ve been gone too long,” he started, giving a sad chuckle, “and a lot has happened during that time.” Chanhee laughed silently at his friend’s words, slumping against the cold headboard of his resting place.

“But I will promise you this. I will look after them for you. I will care for, and nurture and love them for you. It’s what best friends are for, right?”

Chanhee nodded, a friendly smile finally adorning his features. He felt something new, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, peace. His body felt as light as a feather, as if it was drifting through the breeze. He dropped his gaze to his hands, only to see that the aforementioned body part wasn’t there. He was fading, an experience he had thought about many times before, but somehow, it wasn’t as scary as he thought it would be. Chanhee looked to you, and he could’ve sworn that for a moment, just one moment, you could see him, slowly dematerialising out of existence. He wasn’t scared anymore, scared of how you would cope without him. You had Younghoon, the only person other than you that he trusted his life with. 

“Until we meet again, my love,” Chanhee bade his final farewell to this world, taking a small bow and with a slight change in the wind’s direction, he was gone. 

You felt light, like the weight of an entire urbanised city had been lifted off your shoulders. Younghoon took his place by your side once more.

“Should we go home?” He suggested, earning a relaxed smile from you.

“Yeah. Besides, it’ll be dark soon,” you squeezed his hand, your eyes glowing in the reddened flare of the sunset. Hand in hand, you walked down the stone path and out of the overly large rusted gate. It was never easy letting go, not by any stretch of the imagination. You would always carry a piece of Chanhee with you, and even without him by your side, you felt closer to him than ever.

[seancekitsch]

I was Never Young: A Klaus x Reader fic

Anyways uhhh heres my fic based on the Klaus spin off series!! I made sure not to really spoil anything in the series if u guys haven't finished it yet but it does take place after the series events. there's no smut which is weird for me bc i usually write just smut but like yolo this is where it went.

Klaus had been through the ringer. Los Angeles seems to just be more of the same, so why even leave home? Right, he’d been kicked out and cut off. Well, at least one of those problems has disappeared, he thinks as he pats the ugly little satchel full of money at the side of his hip.

He meanders down the street, no real direction or motive as he shuffles down. The diazepine is starting to wear off, and he’s going to need something to dull the corners of his mind in about an hour. A neon green sign draws his eyes, looks as sick as he’s about to be.

‘Cobra’s’ the sign says, and this one is probably as good as any.

The bar has exactly six people inside of it, he realizes as he pushes the door open. It’s hazy, full of the stale and welcoming scent of menthol tobacco. Perfect, Klaus thinks.

The bartender is a stern looking man, like he used to be a wrestler. Maybe this is what Luther or Diego will look like in thirty years if they don’t eat their wheaties.

There are two other men sitting in a booth by the corner, deep in conversation with one another. They’re boring suits, no one that Klaus could have for company. He’s just looking for someone alive to have a conversation with while he numbs himself. Someone alive, he clarifies to himself. His last friend left for heaven’s greener pastures, which he’s happy for him, but maybe the guy could have stuck around on this plane of existence for a weekend longer.

There’s a couple at the end of the bar that looks like they're on a date. In the middle of the day? Wonder if their spouses know they aren't at work. Klaus laughs out loud, poor bastards.

And then there's you, with your mixed drink, absentmindedly swirling it with your little stirrer. You seem like a safe bet, so his feet drag him over to sit down at the middle of the bar near you. He more or less throws himself into the chair, his feet immediately feeling the relief. He’s still clammy and feverish in the come down, his stomach hurts, but that’s nothing a little booze and sugar can’t help.

You notice the guy as soon as he walks in. Of course you do. After a few years, you start to recognize people even if you don’t know them. You don’t recognize him. He looks paranoid, fresh off a set and worried about what a job will do, for and to him. Poor thing. Probably one of those River Phoenix types. Young, pretty, and overwhelmed.  In teen mags one day, in the obituaries the next. All preventable, hundreds of people that could step in if money meant more than the people around you.

“Hey,” the guy next to you greets you, his voice uneven, watery and cautious. His hands shake a little as he pulls a stack of cash out of his threadbare satchel, pulling a few bills from the rubberband holding it together and flattening them out against the bar.

“Hey, yourself. You new here?” He looks surprised as the words leave your lips, but is interrupted by the bartender approaching.

“Yeah, whatever that special is for today, that’ll do,” he orders like he doesn't really know what to do at the bar. He turns back to you, looking ever so boyish and lost with his big green eyes.

“How did you-?”

“How did I know you're new here?” You throw the rest of your drink back, carelessly placing it at the far end of the bar from you, “Because you don't look absolutely beaten down. I mean, you look a little twitchy, but you look fresh.”

Fresh? That’s not at all how Klaus would describe his look, having not slept in days and having been using an extreme amount of controlled substances, even for his standards.

The bartender slides a glass towards him, and he scrambles to catch it. There’s a total of two umbrellas, a flamingo stirrer, and two straws in it. In all, garish and hard to look at. The bartender takes the money, and they nod at each other.

“You look kinda young to be here,” with that remark, Klaus takes a long sip of the fruity cocktail he ordered, a sickening blue color so intense you bet it could substitute as hair dye.

“You do too,” you quip. You’d been working in this town for a few years now, on and off movie sets and bartending clubs with live acts. This boy? He looked fresh. Like he’s just been taken for his first ride. He looked rough and unused to it.

“How old are you?” he asks,  he can’t place your age or accent. You look just as young as him, if not younger. You sound southern- Boston- Chicago- western and somewhere European he can’t place. Is that what Hollywood does to people's speech patterns? Is that gonna happen to him? But you seem to be as much an anomaly here as he does.

“How old are you?” you mimic back.

Klaus stares in awe as you rest your elbow against the bar, making sure he sees that as you snap your fingers, a cigarette materializes between them. You quickly shift the rolled tobacco to rest between your index and middle finger, ready to place it against your lips.

“Listen, I’m old enough.” That's all you have to say about that.

“Yeah,” he agrees, “Sometimes I think I was never young.”

You exhale sharply through your nose, the hint of a laugh.

“Yeah, alright.” You fish around in your jacket pocket for the lighter and ask, “Do you wanna get out of here? Only smoking bar in town, but it ain’t got hotdogs.”

Hotdogs, Klaus thinks, He remembers having sausage back home, but he’s never had a hotdog.

“Why are you lookin’ at me like that? You never been to a baseball game or something?”

He shook his head, no. Klaus hadn’t ever seen a baseball game. He knew the history of it, the impact it had on American society. All from a very clinical and academic standpoint. Sports weren’t really his thing.

“Nah, I always preferred activities with a bit more... uh, substance.” He laughs at his own joke, whether you get it or not really doesn’t matter.

“Right, right. So River, what’s your real name?” You talk with the cigarette but between your teeth, lighting it quickly, before the lighter in your hand vanishes from sight.

“It’s….. uh, It’s Klaus.”

You give him your name, and he repeats it, tests the name out on his tongue.

You take a deep inhale, blowing the smoke out of the corner of your mouth.

“So Klaus, wanna buy us some hotdogs?”

You leave as soon as he finishes his drink, and he talks in a way that he thinks might be too much. But you listen. You’re the first living person that’s actually listened to what he had to say since he got here. He asks about you, your story, but he doesn’t get as much as he wants. You like your smoking, you’re a special effects designer, you dropped out of high school to come out here, and you fucking love Alonzo’s hotdogs.

“Hey ‘Lonzo!” you shout, interrupting Klaus mis sentence, raising both arms above your head, the baggy sleeves of your jacket falling closer to your elbows.

“How’s my kid doin?” The man shouts back. A tall man, with heavy brows and a mustache. “And who’s this?”

“My friend Klaus here just directed a movie! With Vivian Clarke, and the kid’s never had a hotdog! Can you believe it!” Your footfalls come quicker, starting to jog as you clear the end of the block, Klaus starts to shuffle quicker to catch up. When he gets to see the man up close. clear chocolate brown eyes greet him. He looks pretty trustworthy, Klaus thinks, Like Santa Claus, or John Stamos. Basically, like anyone but Dad or Viv.

Alonzo asks all about Klaus’ recent accomplishment, not exactly something he wants to talk about, but he likes that Alonzo is genuinely curious and polite. The only thing you say is “extra relish, on both. Big shot director pays.” during the conversation, focusing more on finishing your cigarette and stubbing it out with the toe of your boot. Klaus looks down and the cigarette butt leaves no trace on the concrete.

“So back there,” he says as you wait for your dogs to be handed over, “That cigarette business, are you a magician?”

“Nah,” you say, not fully meeting his gaze, “I’m a Libra.”

You nod at the guy as he finally pulls the dogs over the edge of the cart he operates. Extra relish, just like you asked. When he places the hotdog in Klaus’ hands, the redhead’s eyes go wide. Guess he wasn’t kidding about never having relish, you think.

“Huh,” he starts, dumbfounded by the hunk of grease and meat and relish in his hands, “I’m a Libra too, actually.”

“Guess that’s something about balance or something,” you say, effectively ending the conversation again by opening your mouth as wide as you can to accommodate the sheer mass of one of Alonzo’s hotdogs.

He looks at the meal, his first and probably only for today, and then takes your lead, opening his mouth as wide as he can before finally chomping down on a huge bite of it. The bite is… heavenly. Pickled vegetables and chutneys exploding on his tastebuds, the coolness of it contrasting with the fresh off the grill meat. No offense to mom or Pogo, but none of their cooking could ever hold a candle to this street hotdog.

“Good, yeah?” Your voice, distorted by a mouth full of food, breaks his almost nirvana like trance.

“So good,” he tries to say, mouth just as full as yours. He finishes chewing, swallows with a huge gulp.

“You got any more food spots to show me?”

[borisbubbles]

Character analysis: Vivienne de Fer (Dragon Age Inquisition)

So, if you’ve wondered where I popped off to the past two months or so, I’m going to give you an answer - I finally bought Dragon Age Inquisition (legit on my gaming wishlist since its 2014 release) and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since. 

The main draw to this game however, isn’t so much the gameplay (if you want a game that feels similar but has better gameplay - Assassin’s Creed Odyssey is what you’d want instead), but the storytelling and particularly the character development are top notch. All nine companions are fascinating and fleshed out in such a realistic manner I’m still gasping in awe on my fifth playthrough.  Thus, a post on it is in order. It’s a bit different from my usual content, but don’t let that discourage you - clearing my head from Dragon Age will allow me to let Eurovision back in and continue my unfinished 2020 ranking.  In this post, I will be analyzing one of DAI’s most interesting characters - none other than Madame de Fer herself, Vivienne.  Now, I’m under the impression that this is a rather unpopular opinion but I absolutely love Vivienne. And no, I won’t apologize for it. As a Templar-thumping elitist with a icy, sardonic demeanor the sheer ‘Idea Of A Vivienne’ is meant to make your head spin. Dragon Age has always been a franchise in which mages are a socially surpressed group and to be confronted with a socially confident enchantress who likes Templars and seemingly supports the social shunning out of her own ambition is the walking embodiment of flippancy. 

and yet, I feel a lot of sympathy for Vivienne. 

Yes, she’s a bitch. She knows she’s one and she’s a-ok with it. I won’t argue with that. Sadly, the “Vivienne is a bitch” rhetoric also drastically sells her short. Vivienne is highly complex and her real personality is as tragic as it is twisted. 

Madame de Fer

So let’s start with what we are shown on the surface. Vivienne is a high-ranking courtier from an empire notable for its deadly, acid-laced political game. She seemingly joins the Inquisition for personal gain, to acrue reputation and power, and eventually be elected Divine (= female pope) at the end of the game. She presents herself as a despicable blend of Real Housewife, Disney Villain, and Tory Politician, all rolled into one ball of sickening, unctuous smarm. Worse, the Inquisitor has no way to rebuke Vivienne’s absurd policies and ideas. You can’t argue with her, convince her to listen to your differing viewpoints or even kick her out the Inquisition. She has a way with words where she can twist arguments around in such a fashion that she lands on top and makes the other person look like the irrational party.

“Thus speaks the Inquisitor who has made so many mature and level-headed choices so far. Such as releasion malcontents upon the population without safeguards to protect them should they turn into abominations. Very wise. I rearranged some furniture. Lives aren’t thrown into jeopardy by my actions. Perhaps a little perspective is needed.”

She’s Cersei Lannister on creatine, Dolores Umbridge on motherfucking roids. If you look at merely the surface, then yes, Vivienne looks like the worst person ever created. I love a good anti-villainess however, and she’s definitely one. 

Yet, she never actually does anything ‘evil’? Yes, she is ‘a tyrant’ as a Divine, but 1) the person saying this is Cassandra, whose dislike for mage freedom is only matched by her dislike of being sidelined 2) Divine Vivienne isn’t bad to mages either? (hold that thought, I’ll get to it). She never actually sabotages the Inquisition, no matter how low her approval with the Inquisitor gets. She never attempts to stop them, no matter how annoyed she is. She’s one of the most brutally honest companions in the cast, in fact. (It always surprises me people call her a ‘hypocrite’ - you keep using that word and it doesn’t mean what you think it means.) The ‘worst’ display of character is when she attempts to break up Sera and the Inquisitor and even then - are we going to pretend Sera isn’t a toxic, controlling girlfriend with a huge chip on her shoulder? I love Sera, but come on.  

Vivienne is a character where the storytelling rule of Show, Don’t Tell is of vital importance. The Orlesian empire is an empire built around posturing and reputation. Nobody really shows their true motivations or character, and instead builds a public façade. It’s like how the Hanar (the Jellyfish people) in Mass Effect have a Public name they use in day-to-day life, and a Personal Name for their loved-ones and inner circle. Vivienne’s ‘Public Visage’ is that of Madame de Fer - this is the Vivienne who openly relishes in power, publicly humiliates grasping anklebiters with passive-aggressive retorts, the woman who is feared and loathed by all of Orlais, and this is the Face you see for most of the game.

The real beauty of Vivienne’s character and the reason why I love her as much as I do (which is to say - a LOT) are the few moments when - what’s the phrase DigitalSpy love so much - Her Mask Slips, and you get a glimpse of the real woman underneath the hennin.

This is the Vivienne who stands by you during the Siege of Haven and approves of you when you save the villagers from Corypheus’s horde.

This is the Vivienne who comforts you when you lament the losses you suffered.

This is the Vivienne who admires you for setting an example as a mage for the rest of Thedas.

This is the Vivienne who worries about Cole’s well-being during his personal quest, momentarily forgetting who or what he is. 

This is the Vivienne who, when her approval for the Inquisitor reaches rock bottom, desperately reminds him of the suffering mages go through on a day-to-day basis because of the fear and hatred non-mages are bred to feel towards them and how this can spiral into more bloodshed without safeguards. 

This is the Vivienne who shows how deep her affection for Bastien de Ghislain truly is, by bringing you along during his dying moments. I love this scene btw. This is the only moment in the entire game where Vivienne is actually herself in the presence of the Inquisitor - needless to say, I consider anyone who deliberately spikes her potion a motherfucking psychopath ^_^)

“There is nothing here now” fuck I *almost* cried at Vivienne, get out of my head BioWare, this is WRONG -- people who delude themselves this is an irredeemable character. 

So, who is Vivienne really?

Understanding Vivienne requires recognizing that the mask and the real woman aren’t the same person. I think her relationship with Dorian is the prime example of this. I love the Vivienne/Dorian banter train, obviously - an unstoppable force of sass colliding with an unmovable wall of smarm is nothing short of a spectacle. However, there’s more to it than their highly entertaining snipes. As the incredibly gifted son of a magister, Dorian represents everything Vivienne should despise, and should be a natural enemy to her. And yet, she doesn’t and he isn’t.. Their gilded japes at each other are nothing more than verbal sparring, not dissimilar to how Krem and Iron Bull call each other names when they beat each other with sticks. In what I think is one of the most brilliantly written interactions between characters in DAI, I present Vivienne’s reaction when the Inquisitor enters a romance with Dorian:

Vivienne: I received a letter the other day, Dorian. Dorian: Truly? It's nice to know you have friends. 🙄 Vivienne: It was from an acquaintance in Tevinter expressing his shock at the disturbing rumors about your... relationship with the Inquisitor. Dorian: Rumors you were only too happy to verify, I assume. 🙃 Vivienne: I informed him the only disturbing thing in evidence was his penmanship. 🙂 Dorian: ...Oh. Thank you. 😳 Vivienne: I am not so quick to judge, darling. See that you give me no reason to feel otherwise.

Madame de Fer can never be seen directly expressing approval to a relationship between the Herald of Andraste and an ‘Evil’ Tevinter ’Magister’. By this subtle, subtle conversation, Vivienne indirectly tells Dorian that she considers him a good match for the Inquisitor and approves of the romance. It’s one of those reasons why I could never truly dislike Vivienne - between the layers of elegant poison lies a somewhat decent woman who never loses sight of the bigger picture. Not a good person maybe, but not one without some redeeming qualities.

The crux of Vivienne’s personality is that she, like all DAI companions, is a social outcast. She’s a mage in a fantasy setting where mages are psionically linked to demons, and grew up in a country where the majority religion has openly advocated the shunning and leashing of mages (’Magic exists to serve man’ - the Chantry is so, so vile in this game.). Vivienne’s “gift” was discovered so early in her life that she can barely remember her parents. Vivienne grew up in a squalid boarding school, learning from a young age that she’s dangerous and her talents need to be tamed and curbed. She is also terrified of demons, as her banters with Cole point out:

Cole: You're afraid. You don't have to be. Vivienne: My dear Inquisitor, please restrain your pet demon. I do not want it addressing me. Inquisitor: He's not doing any harm, Vivienne. Vivienne: It's a demon, darling. All it can do is harm. Cole: Everything bright, roar of anger as the demon rears. No, I will not fall. No one will control me ever again. Cole: Flash of white as the world comes back. Shaking, hollow, Harrowed, but smiling at templars to show them I'm me. Cole: I am not like that. I can protect you. If Templars come for you, I will kill them. Vivienne: Delightful. 😑

Vivienne’s Harrowing is implied to have been such a traumatizing event to her that she’s developed a pavlovian fear of demons ever since. (Hence her hostility towards Cole.). Vivienne is fully aware of the inherent dangers of magic, and projects this onto all other mages. 

Besides, given how Dragon Age has a history with mages doing all sorts of fucked up shit, ranging from blood magic, murder, demonic possession and actual terrorism (yes, *ElthinaBITCH* had it coming, but let’s not pretend like Anders/Justice was anything other than a terrorist), Vivienne’s policies of controlled monitoring and vigilance are actually significantly more sensible than the options of ‘unconditionally freeing every mage all over Thedas’ and ‘reverting back to the status quo before the rebellion’. They’re flawed policies, obviously. When Vivienne says “mages” she pictures faceless silhouettes foremost and not herself. Regardless, unlike Cassandra and Leliana, Vivienne is aware of the fear others harbour for her kind, and how hard it is to overcome such perceptions.  

Additionally, Vivienne’s a foreigner. She is an ethnic Rivaini, a culture associated with smugglers and pirates (Isabela from DAO and DA2 is half-Rivaini). This adds an additional social stigma, again pointed out by Cole:

Cole: Stepping into the parlor, hem of my gown snagged, no, adjust before I go in, must look perfect. Vivienne: My dear, your pet is speaking again. Do silence it. Cole: Voices inside. Marquis Alphonse. Cole: "I do hope Duke Bastien puts out the lights before he touches her. But then, she must disappear in the dark." Cole: Gown tight between my fingers, cold all over. Unacceptable. Wheels turn, strings pull. Cole: He hurt you. You left a letter, let out a lie so he would do something foolish against the Inquisition. A trap. Vivienne: Inquisitor, as your demon lacks manners, perhaps you could get Solas to train it.

This is the only palpable example of the casual racism Vivienne has to endure on a daily basis - Marquis Alphonse is a stupid, bigoted pillowhead who sucks at The Game, but remember - Vivienne only kills him if the Inquisitor decides to be a butthurt thug. She is aware that for every Alphonse, there are dozens of greasy sycophants who think exactly like he does, and will keep it under wraps just to remain in her good graces. 

Finally, there’s the social position Vivienne manufactured for herself, which is the weak point towards her character imo. Remember, this woman is a commoner by birth. She doesn’t even have a surname. Through apparently sheer dumb luck (or satanic intervention) she basically fell into the position of Personal Mage to the Duke of Ghislain. Regardless, ‘Personal mages’ were the rage in Orlesian nobility, and the prestigious families owned by them like one may own a pet or personal property. By somehow becoming Bastien de Ghislain’s mistress and using his influence, "Madame de Fer” liberated herself from all the social stigmata which should have pinned her down into a lowly courtier rank and turned the largely ceremonial office of “Court Enchanter” into a position of respect and power. This is huge move towards mage emancipation by the way, in a society where, again, Mages are feared and shunned and are constantly bullied, emasculated and taught to hate their talents. Vivienne is a shining example of what mages can become at the height of their power. Power she has, mind you, never actually abused before her Divine election. Vivienne’s actions will forever be under scrutiny not because of who she is, but because of what she is. The Grand Game can spit her out at any moment, which will likely result in her death. 

Inquisitor: “You seem to be enjoying yourself, Vivienne?” Vivienne: “It’s The Game, darling. If I didn’t enjoy it, I’d be dead by now.”

Whether Vivienne was using Bastien for her own gain or whether she truly loved him isn’t a case of or/or. It’s a case of and/and. The perception that she was using Bastien makes Vivienne more fearsome and improves her position in the Grand Game, but deep down, I have no doubts truly loved him. Remember, Vivienne’s position at the Orlesian court was secure. She had nothing to gain by saving Bastien’s life, but she attempted to anyway. That Bastien’s sister is a High Cleric doesn’t matter - Vivienne can be elected Divine regardless of her personal quest’s resolution. She loved him, period. 

No, I don’t think Vivienne is a good person. She treats those she deems beneath her poorly, like Sera, Solas, Cole and Blackwall (characters I like less than Vivienne), which I think is the #1 indicator for a Bad Personality. But I don’t think she qualifies as ‘Evil’ either and I refuse to dismiss the beautiful layering of her character. I genuinely believe Vivienne joined the Inquisition not just for her personal gain, but also out of idealism, similar to Dorian (again, Cole is 100% correct in pointing out the similarities between Dorian’s and Vivienne’s motivations for joining, as discomforting it is to her). 

In her mind, Vivienne sees herself as the only person who can emancipate the mages without bloodshed - her personal accomplishments at the Orlesian court speak for themselves. Vivienne isn’t opposed to mage freedom - she worries for the consequences of radical change, as she believes Orlesian society unprepared for the consequences. Hence why she’s perfectly fine with a Divine Cassandra. Hence why her fellow mages immediately elect her Grand Enchanter of the new Circle. 

Hence why Vivienne is so terrified by the Inquisitor’s actions if her disapproval gets too low. The Inquisitor has the power to completely destroy everything she has built and fought for during her lifetime. Remember: Vivienne’s biggest fear is irrelevance - there’s no greater irrelevance than having your life achievements reverse-engineered by the accidental stumbling of some upstart nobody. This is the real reason why she joins, risks her life and gets her hands dirty - the only person whose competence Vivienne trusts, is Vivienne’s own. 

Even as Divine Victoria, I’d say she’s not bad, at all actually. Vivienne has the trappings of an an Enlightened Despot, maintaining full control, while simultaneously granting mages more responsibility and freedom, slowly laying the foundations to make mages more accepted and less persecuted in southern Thedas. Given that Ferelden is a feudal fiefdom and Orlais is an absolute monarchy, this is a fucking improvement are you kidding me. (Wait did he just imply Vivienne is secretly the best Divine - hmm, probably not because Cass/Leliana have better epilogues - but realistically speaking, yes, Viv should be the best Divine and it’s bullshit that the story disagrees.) 

Underneath the countless layers of smarm, frost and seeming callousness, lies a fiercely intelligent and brave woman, whose ideals have been twisted into perversion by the cruel, ungrateful world around her. Envy her for her ability to control her destiny, but know that envy is what it is.  

The flaw in Vivienne’s character isn’t so much the ‘tyranny’ or the ‘bitchiness’ or the 'smarm’. Her flaw is her false belief that she is what the mages need the most. Her belief that her competence gives her the prerogative to serve the unwashed mage masses... by ruling over them. For all intents and purposes, Vivienne is an Orlesian Magister and this will forever be the brilliant tragedy of her character. She was created by a corrupt institution that should, by all accounts fear and loathe her but instead embraced her. It’s that delirious irony that makes Vivienne de Fer one of the best fictional characters in RPG history.  the next post will be Eurovision-related. :-) 

[imaginesforthosewhoseekthem]

Just a quick update

Probably should have put a trigger warning at the last post, but Mentions of pedophilia and r@pe. Reader digression is advised.

Thank you so much for everyone tho reblogged and liked the last post. I really don’t have time for the people being complete idiots when it comes to fandoms. I don’t generally let these kind of things bother me usually, but something about a character from a thing I really like being accused of a thing as serious as pedophilia, I just kinda snapped.

I’ve heard other things have been going on like people white-washing Mammon, Simeon and Diavolo. People sexualizing Luke...a LITERAL child. Calling Lucifer a rapist. Giving the voice actors shit for reasons I have no idea why. Shipping the brothers together which...look, I was expecting to happen eventually cus these kinda of people can't fuckin chill.

There is probably other stuff I’ve been missing. I didn't even hear that shit on here, by the way. I heard it on Tik Tok. Most of the things they’re doing are Just. Plain. Stupid. I feel like making posts on WHY what they’re doing is stupid and I feel like I shouldn't even have to explain. But you know, some people just don’t use or don't TRY to use their common sense that maybe...what they’re doing will cause them shit from other people. you posted shit, MOSTLY PROBLEMATIC SHIT, on the internet and are surprised to get hate for it...How...did you survive old enough to USE a computer with how stupid everything is. I dunno if I will make a post about why Lucifer is not a rapist, but it’s a pretty big phobia of mine, so it might take a bit to write. Also due to like 2 pieces of evidence as to why I could think people would say that about him, being the vampire event and the end of chapter 20 (If anyone else has reason to think that, do let me know. I’m only on lesson 26, but I will play through the game again and look at spoilers to get evidence. I don’t care about spoilers in this fandom.)

Fortunately, I believe the GOOD people of this fandom outweigh the dipshits. Because I don’t wanna make myself angry, I will make some bullet tips as to what we can do as a community and a fanbase to not let the toxicity spread.

If you are going to call a character a title THAT serious. USE. YOUR. BRAIN. There are fairly young people that play this game and they would never be allowed make a game like this if such titles were true. So maybe TRY to get some more information before you make accusations. If you’re not bothered, either face the music of looking stupid or say nothing. They’re FICTIONAL characters. Use that energy to get ACTUAL pedophiles and rapists arrested. 

You can draw Luke as an adult FOR SPECULATION. That’s fine. If you;re just, in your own way, expression what Luke would look like at Simeon’s age, that’s fine. You just have an idea of what that would look like. But if you’re doing it to sexualize a minor...that is being WAY more pedo than anything people accused Levi of doing. Luke is canonically 10 in human years and is a canonical child among the other angels. I don’t care if he’s thousands of years older than the human. If the devs SAY he’s a child, regardless on if the years are different, then he’s a child and you treat him like a fucking child. If picturing sexual things about them is how you treat a child, that is pedophilia. You are disgusting and should be disgusted with yourself. I don’t care if he’s a fictional child, it’s still gross to do that to a child. I BET you there are people that call Levi a pedo and then sexualize Luke at a “Legal” age. Stupidity really just evolves, doesn’t it?

The case of shipping the brothers together...Look, maybe I’ll make a separate post on this too, but the explanation is SO. PAINFULLY, OBVIOUS. That I really don’t wanna waste my breathe on common sense. I know the brothers are not directly related by blood. Doesn’t matter. It can apply with adoptive or step sibling logic. If someone has grow up with you or spent their lives with you as a sibling figure in your life, shipping them in still incest. Family doesn’t end in blood.The brothers all still share one father. They are siblings. I know some of the cards MIGHT seem sexual or something...but that is what fan service is. I think people shipping the siblings. I think they’ve stopped making those types of cards a while ago for this reason...but yeah. No...You’d feel weird if someone shipped you and your sibling or a friend close enough to BE your sibling. So don’t do it here.

STOP. WHITE WASHING. CHARACTERS OF COLOR! You don’t white wash actual people of color so why do this at all? “I wanna see what he would look like as a different race!” WHY?! Why in the wing, fluttering fuck does race even matter?! Can’t you just enjoy how they already look and look past that? In my mind, only one race exists...the HUMAN race....I dunno how this holds up with a game about demons, but still. If you are so insistent on making characters of color a different race, all that means is that you’re being racist. If you insist you’re not, you will have no problem cutting out the white washing and accepting how they look already. BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER!

In the case of the voice actors. If you see people harassing the voice actors on any form of media, the simplest solution is to give the voice actors your love and appreciation and reporting them to the app to get their comment or account removed. Simple. It’s online safety 101. If you’re worried about them getting hate in their DM’s, there’s not much we can do about it. It’s private messaging between the commenter and the voice actor. The voice actors are grown men with common sense and they will appreciate your love and support because it means you’re trying to help them however you can. They can block those people themselves if they are DM’d. Don’t feel terrible that you can;t do more. You can only do so much and the VA’s appreciate your love and support for the game.

Finally...don’t spread hate. That’s what these kinds of people WANT you to do. Don’t get angry. Don’t start text wars. It will just make people think this fandom is more toxic than before. I know you’re just trying to set the record straight and you can do that in a more polite way, but don’t waste your breath on people if they don’t want to listen. You can tell them politely because they MIGHT just be people that are misinformed, but if they push the point forward without listening and they still won’t pay attention, their loss. you were trying to stop them looking like a jackass. They had their chance. If they’re causing further harm, just report them. It’s as simple as that. These kinds of people are not worth getting angry at. Don’t stress yourself out over people being stupid and try to enjoy the fandom in your own way, alright?

Sorry for two serious posts in a row. I’ve had complex feelings since my last post over my recent loss and ranting like this did help a lot. I’m also playing Mystic Messenger on Jumin’s Route and Day 11 will be tomorrow, so I should be getting to the asks soon enough. I know I say that all the time, but I actually wanna get back into writing because I’m super passionate about it. It just...sucks when being depressed makes it tiring to do the thing you love the most. Seeing everyone enjoy my writing really makes my day and I want to try motivate myself to not take as long in between. I’ve never let other people being weird or toxic destroy how I feel about the things I love because life is short and all that. THESE recent things I’ve heard about the Obey Me fandom don’t even get under my skin, but it’s a fandom I’m really passionate about and that the Tik Tok community want to get across to others. So, I contributed the only way I knew how. 

Thank you for listening and have a good one ❤