#because it stresses me out so much that I'll get something wrong there and waste time and money

[lieutenantselnia]

I just realised the concert I've got tickets for and Vienna Comic Con are all on 3 consecutive days ... that's gonna be one hell of a weekend for sure😅

[lihhelsing]

Final Part - Catfish Steddie

You can also read it on Ao3!

When Steve walks into his apartment after a long shift at the coffee shop, it takes him almost a full five minutes to notice there’s someone else in there with him. 

He’s been so tired lately he probably wouldn’t have noticed if the person, a petite strawberry blonde, hadn’t cleared her throat while looking at him. 

“Uh. Hello?” 

Had he walked into the wrong apartment? He couldn’t remember using his key but he’s pretty sure he did. 

“Hi,” the girl smiles as she places a Vogue Magazine on the coffee table. Steve looks around and he knows this coffee table. He knows this apartament. He’s definitely in the right place. 

Still doesn’t explain the girl. 

“Who are you?” 

She laughs as if he’s being funny but once she understands he’s serious, her smile falters a little. 

“Chrissy. I’m Robin’s -“

“Girlfriend. Yeah. She’s not here.” 

Chrissy nods. “I know. I’m here for you.” 

Either she’s going to murder him or try to convince him to forgive Robin and Steve’s not sure which one is worse right now. 

“Then you wasted your time. You can go now. Or stay, I don’t care.” 

Chrissy clicks her tongue. “Robin did a shitty thing.” 

“Yeah. You don’t say.” 

“She’s not a bad person, though.” 

Steve shrugs. “It doesn’t matter, does it? She still hurt people.” 

She hurt me is what Steve means. He doesn’t say it out loud but he has the feeling Chrissy sees right through him. 

“I was so mad when she told me. It was such a fucked up thing to do.” 

Steve nods, doesn’t see the point in expanding this conversation. 

“Look,” Chrissy says eventually. “She’s not a bad person, she just… sometimes she gets obsessed with things and she doesn’t know when it’s too much. This was too much. It was crazy and hurtful. I thought about… breaking up. But I know her and I know this was just a mistake.” 

Steve doesn’t know why Chrissy is saying all those things to him. He shrugs. Maybe if he doesn’t engage she will leave him alone. 

“I know it’s not good enough. But she’s really sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“She would love a chance to try and fix things.” 

Steve shakes his head. “No thanks. I asked her to leave me alone.” 

"Robin's not the best at boundaries if you haven't noticed," Chrissy says and it honestly annoys the hell out of Steve. He's pretty aware of his roommate's problems. He had been looking for another place to live ever since his talk with Robin but it seems luck isn't on his side, at least not with the budget he has right now. 

"Oh, I noticed it alright," Steve replies dryly but that also doesn't seem to faze Chrissy. "Like I said, the best she can do right now is leave me alone and not send her girlfriend to, what? Guilt trip me into forgiving her? Not happening."

Chrissy seems a little ashamed at that, but Steve doesn't care. He doesn't! The people pleaser inside of him is definitely not cringing at himself right now. 

"Listen. She did send me here, but all she wants is another chance at fixing things. She knows she fucked up bad but like I said, Robin's not a bad person. She was pretty nervous when you two first talked about this and she thinks she can explain herself better. I know it sounds like bullshit but I told her I would try to convince you to go talk to her and if you said no, we both would respect your decision."

Steve is about to say no. He wants to say no. He wants Robin to suffer for messing with his life and Eddie's and for fucking up something that could've been so good. But Eddie's not really answering his calls right now, Steve is about to flunk one of his classes because he's been so stressed about the whole thing. He's been stressing about getting a new place too, and finding a roommate that's not a total psycho and also someone who won't potentially try to sell his organs on the internet. He definitely needs a place that he can afford and for a second he considers it. 

And then, he has an idea. 

"Ok, I'll go."

Chrissy's whole face lightens up. She must really care about Robin to react like that just by Steve agreeing to go talk to her. He's not going to forgive her, just hear her out one more time because honestly? It can't get worse than it already is. 

"Really?"

"Yeah. But I have one condition."

"Of course, anything," Chrissy says, nodding enthusiastically. 

"I'll go and I'll hear her out. If she's just bullshitting me again, I get the apartment."

Chrissy frowns at him. "The apartment?"

"Yeah. I don't intend on keeping living with her but it's hard to find a place half decent that I can afford. And I can afford this and it's a pretty good place. So she'll keep paying her half until I find someone new to share. Then she'll be gone from my life."

Steve crosses his arms. Either way, he's going to win. He's going to get what he wants, no matter what, even if that's still not Eddie. Steve's been making peace with the fact that he's not going to get Eddie, after all. 

Chrissy nods even though she doesn't seem sure. 

"Shouldn't you check with Robin about this? I can wait."

She bites her lower lip but shakes her head. "No, it's fine. It's a deal."

Steve doesn't know exactly what to think but maybe Chrissy and Robin should work on their communication. 

x

Chrissy waits as Steve gets ready. He honestly didn't feel like changing but she said he should take a shower and relax just a bit, so he wouldn't be all defensive when it was time to talk to Robin. 

Steve sighs but he ends up agreeing because a nice, hot shower sounds good. His shift was proper hell today and he was looking forward to relaxing a bit, maybe watching something or even calling Dustin to catch up. 

When he's ready, Chrissy announces she will be driving them and Steve shrugs but accepts  anyway. He expects her to take him to her place or something so when she stops at a weird-looking parking lot Steve thinks maybe Chrissy is the one about to sell his organs on the internet. 

"Go on," she nudges him softly and Steve raises an eyebrow. "C'mon, it's not that bad."

"I should've known looking for roommates on Craigslist would have consequences," he says as a joke. Mostly. 

Chrissy chuckles. "It's not that bad."

It is that bad and she knows it. From what Steve can gather they are outside a dive bar in all its glory. Steve is not opposed to dive bars in general, but this was definitely not how he expected his Friday night to go. 

"Fine, I'm going, but just so you know my parents will come for you if something happens to me." 

"Robin says you don't talk to your parents," Chrissy grins at Steve and he shrugs.

"It was worth a shot," and then he's out of the car and into the quiet cold night. 

The bar isn't as bad as Steve imagined, even if it's called Hellfire. Not a very inviting name but then again, it's absolutely packed and Steve is kind of shocked. There are old-looking guys who Steve would bet have come to this same bar every day for the last twenty years and then some twenty-somethings grouped everywhere, with cheap-ass beers in their hands and loud voices. 

What surprises Steve the most is how both groups seem to get along pretty well, as long as they stay on their side of the bar. 

Steve takes a look around trying to see Robin's mess of mousy-brown hair but she's nowhere to be found. For a second he thinks maybe Chrissy tricked him for some reason but when his eyes inspect the place once again he finds what he was looking for. 

And it's not Robin. 

Eddie is sitting in a booth in the far corner of the bar, with no one around him. Steve might not be the brightest person on earth but in that same second, he understands Eddie is there to meet him, for some reason. 

He clenches his hands closed and walks toward him, trying not to think too hard about seeing Eddie again, otherwise he feels like he'd puke. 

"Hey," Steve says as soon as he's close enough and Eddie rips his eyes from his bottle to look at Steve. There are too many feelings there for Steve to figure out so he nods to the empty seat in front of him. "Mind if I join you?"

Eddie shakes his head and Steve thinks he looks adorable. 

"Interesting choice of place," Steve says to try and make things less awkward. 

Eddie laughs and the sound is delicious and Steve feels like he's winning, somehow. 

"I work here," Eddie admits, but he has a secret smile on his lips as if he knows exactly why Steve said what he said. As if they are connected in a way Steve had never felt with anyone else. 

As if a minute had passed since the last time they talked and not weeks. 

"Good to know," Steve says and he thinks he's flirting even though he should be apologizing but Eddie doesn't seem mad that he's flirting because he's flirting back. Or so Steve hopes he is. 

"Robin said it was a safe choice," Eddie says and Steve can feel her name souring his mood a little. "Sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned her."

Maybe Steve needs to get this over with. 

"It's ok. I just really needed to say I'm sorry again. I hate that you got caught up in something so awful and fucked up and I'm sorry I didn't try harder to explain myself and-"

"Stop."

Steve does because he's been rejected by Eddie once and he's afraid he's getting rejected again. He thinks - no, he knows - he wouldn't survive it. 

"Robin might've ambushed me at work and forced me to listen to her explanations and her weird apology."

Steve clicks his tongue. He rests one of his hands on top of the table and feels the pull towards Eddie. If this was any other date he would reach out and grab his hand but he's not even sure this is a date. 

"I'm sorry for that too. Chrissy told me she has a hard time understanding boundaries."

Eddie shrugs as if it doesn't matter. "Yeah, well. That was clear from the start."

At that, they both laugh and it feels so right it hurts. Steve had accepted the fact that he wouldn't get this, not with Eddie, and now. 

Now he might. 

"I'm really sorry, Eddie," Steve's not looking at him when he says it but then he feels a warm, calloused hand on his and he looks up. Eddie is smiling softly at him as if they were all alone in the whole world. 

"You don't need to apologize. Robin explained everything and she said you had nothing to do with it. I'm sorry my insecurities got the best of me. I should've let you explain yourself. I should've believed you."

Eddie's hand feels good around his and Steve moves until their fingers are intertwined. Eddie has a couple of tattoos on his fingers which contrast with Steve's blank ones in a way that feels absolutely right. 

"I'm still sorry. I hate that you got caught up in this," Steve answers easily. 

"Me too," Eddie says. His thumb starts drawing circles on Steve's hand. "But in a fucked up way it brought me to you, here. So maybe I don't hate it all that much."

Steve smiles. He doesn't hate it either. 

x

Talking to Eddie is as easy as the first day and Steve feels amazed by it. 

They keep their hands securely clasped together as they sip their beers and talk about everything. Steve tells Eddie about his talk with Robin right after he left and how angry and upset he was. Eddie tells him about his talk with Robin and how… Numb he felt. 

He explains he spent so much time thinking he had Steve all figured out that it was really hard for him to see he didn't. To see Steve was telling the truth and to see Steve, for some weird reason, really wanted Eddie. 

Steve feels his cheeks burning hot at that and his skin tingles in the places it meets Eddie's. 

After an hour they drift off to other subjects as if this is nothing more than a typical Friday night date for them. As if they are just picking up right where they left off. 

It's almost 3 in the morning when a shorter guy with curly hair approaches their table and announces it's the last round - and it's on the house. 

"Thanks, Gareth," Eddie says but he doesn't make eye contact with the guy. And the guy actually looks like he's glaring at Steve. 

Steve furrows his brows and Eddie squeezes his hand softly.

"It's complicated, he's just like, overprotective. I'll tell you all about it later."

Later. 

It gives Steve hope. 

x

Later looks like the empty alley behind the bar at almost 4 am. 

Not for any Gareth stuff, but for… Other stuff. 

Steve lets Eddie push him up against the wall and kiss him like the world is ending. 

Steve kisses him right back as if they could fix the world with it. 

Eddie feels warm and soft pressed against him and Steve can't contain the small sounds leaving his mouth. Eddie swallows every single one of them, hands finding their way underneath Steve's polo shirt.

Skin touching skin as Eddie's fingers explore him, squeezing and moving around, drawing circles that drive Steve crazy because he wants more. He wants more and more. Eddie lets his fingers brush on Steve's nipple and he can't help but moan, even if they are still in public. 

"Come home with me," Steve pleads, face buried in Eddie's neck as he drowns in his scent. Eddie smells warm and sweet and so good Steve wants to stay there forever. "Please, baby. Come home with me."

Eddie nods against his skin as his mouth nips at whatever he can find and Steve thinks he can come undone right here if Eddie keeps that up. He doesn't want to stop but he does it anyway because he also wants to take his time. 

He and Eddie never rushed into anything and they are not rushing into this. Eddie smiles that gorgeous smile of his and Steve feels like he could die right now and he would still be the happiest guy on earth. 

"Lead the way," Eddie whispers and Steve does, pulling him away from the wall before it's too late and he loses all his strength. He keeps their hands wrapped up together because he knows that's how it's supposed to be. 

He brings Eddie home again, and that tonight they take their time with each other. They talk and laugh and kiss and smile. They take pieces of clothing off and they spread their fingers everywhere. They touch and squeeze and scratch. 

They take each other apart knowing they won't ever be apart again. It's a silent promise in between kisses and laughter. It's a spoken promise when they are all sweaty and tangled up in each other, hands still clasped together, with no space in between their bodies. 

Eddie kisses him again and again and again and Steve feels like he's floating. 

Steve kisses him again and again and again and he hopes he gets to do it forever. 

x

They wake up to a buzzing sound that tells Steve someone is there but when he opens the door there's only this big breakfast basket. He doesn't need to open the note to know it comes from Robin (and Chrissy, he finds out later). 

There are all kinds of foods and a fancy sparkling wine that Eddie immediately opens and pours a glass saying you can only fight a hangover drinking more and Steve wants to drop everything and lock Eddie in his room with just the wine. 

There's also a key Steve recognizes as their front door key. He hums as he looks at it and Eddie pushes the wine in his hand as he grabs a piece of bread from the basket. 

"Are you going to forgive her, you think?"

His question isn't loaded with anything other than curiosity. Steve gets the feeling Eddie wouldn't judge him either way and still, he doesn't know the answer. He shrugs and feels Eddie hugging him from behind. 

"That's ok. There's no right answer here," Eddie says, placing kisses on his shoulder and neck as if he's chasing every single one of Steve's moles. Maybe he is. 

"I don't really know what to do," Steve admits it out loud. Eddie's hand feels so solid around his waist and he feels grounded for the first time in a long time. Maybe ever. 

"Her professor is getting his license revoked," Eddie says and Steve feels a strange satisfaction at that. "She's getting suspended and is probably going to lose the whole semester."

Steve doesn't know if it's too much or not enough. There are too many feelings inside his chest right now. 

"I'm just saying. It's not only up to you to punish her. And you should, you know. Punish her. However you want. Just don't punish yourself in the process, ok?"

Steve's not sure what this means but he knows he's going to figure it out. Robin already gave up the apartment and she's getting held back in school, and Eddie is here and maybe Steve believes nothing else matters right now. 

"You're too smart for your own good," Steve says as he turns in Eddie's arms and finds his mouth so he can kiss him again. 

He tastes like sparks flying and Steve kisses him like he could love him. 

Eddie kisses him back as if he already loves him. 

For now, it feels like enough. 

Previous | Read it on Ao3 and leave kudos!

[osamusriceballs]

Birthday surprise

Hinata x fem reader

Words: ~ 1,3 k

Warnings: A bit NSFW

About: You have a nice birthday surprise for your boyfie~

A/n: Happy Birthday to our beloved human tangerine. I love him so much and I wish him the bestest birthday ever~

"Shoyo, what are you doing there? You need to get ready."

"Oh, sorry, I'm coming. I was just checking my phone. I got a message from y/n."

Hinata freezes.

A state that is almost unnatural for him. It is indeed a message from you - or rather a picture. With you in it. Barely clothed, wearing only white underwear and orange stockings - as bright as his hair. No words added, just you laying there seductively on his bed in lingerie, presenting your body to the camera in a way that makes all his blood rush south.

Holy... he instantly darkens the screen, quickly looking over his shoulder to see if someone looked at his phone. And indeed, he faces an equally stunned Atsumu, whose eyes are still fixated on Hinata's darkened screen. A few seconds pass and neither of them moves. The only sounds right now come from their teammates who have already started their training. Until Hinata's screen gives up and turns fully black.

"Uhm..." Atsumu awkwardly coughs and looks away, a faint tint of pink on his cheeks. "I guess you're going to have a fun birthday night, Shoyo-kun."

It's impossible for Hinata's face to turn even redder at this point. Even his ears are burning, and he laughs awkwardly to mask his inner panic. "What makes you think that?"

Atsumu's face drops, and Hinata internally wishes to sink into the ground for saying something as stupid as that. Why did he focus more on this instead of just changing the topic? "Do you really want me to say it out loud?" A slight grin now forms on Atsumu's face, and Hinata regrets speaking even more. Damn, he regrets ever learning how to speak at all.

"Please don't-"

"Don't sweat it, Shoyo-kun. I'd be happy to have a girl like y/n send pictures like that. Do you think I'll ever find someone who wears hot stuff in my hair color? Maybe I should go back to black. I like that whole black and lacy stuff, but then I'd look like that ugly shithead Samu. Or red. Red's hot too. I don't know if I'd look good in red. What do you mean, Shoyo-kun?"

While Atsumu is busy rambling, Hinata quickly takes his phone and buries it in his bag. He'll take the time to look at the picture during their break. Probably take his phone with him to the restroom to have a proper look. But even the short glimpse he just had is enough to get him riled up and longing for you. Longing to touch you, to feel the soft fabric and your even softer skin under his fingers. He wants to properly thank you for wearing this set just for him and to hear you softly say his name after he kisses you. He knows he won't be able to focus now because of you.

"Shoyo? Are you listening?" The sudden snarl of the blonde in front of him makes him perk up his head, his cheeks still incredibly warm and red.

"Oh, sure, Miya-san. Red is a nice color."

Atsumu blankly stares at him, and Hinata wonders how long he zoned out. He only faintly remembers Atsumu talking about hair colors. "Yer hopeless."

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Don't. And don't ya dare to let my good sets go to waste today. I'll make ya regret it, Shoyo-kun."

Hinata nervously smiles and quickly jogs to the court, ignoring Atsumu right behind him and hoping that he'll forget what he saw. After all, that picture was only meant for his eyes and his eyes alone.

_____________

"Baby, I'm so sorry."

"What happened? Are you okay?"

The stress in Hinata's voice is evident. You don't know if you have ever heard him so depressed before.

"The picture you sent me," he starts, and the blood drains from your face. Your fingers clutch around the phone in your hand tightly, and you involuntarily press the device harder against your ear.

"Did you not like it? I'm sorry, I'll just delete it. We can pretend it never happened. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." You nervously fidget with the hem of the straps, mentally burning the damn lingerie in a bonfire.

"What? No, no! Don't delete that picture. I've been hard ever since I saw it. I love it."

Your cheeks warm at his sudden confession and the way he casually tells you something explicit. He probably doesn't even realize how hot he sounds.

"It's just... when I opened it, Miya-san was right behind me. He saw it too. I'm so sorry. I know that you trust me, and I don't want to break your trust. Can you forgive me? I would never show these kinds of pictures to my friends. Please believe me!"

It takes you a few seconds to fully understand what he's telling you.

"Baby? Are you still here? Please say something. I didn't- please-"

"Shoyo, it's fine. It's okay. I still trust you. I should have told you that you need to look at the picture in private. I don't mind." You smile at his concern, at the way he's always trying to make everything right, to be the perfect boyfriend. But that sometimes puts a lot of stress on him.

"You know that I love you, right? That won't change a thing. And I'm pretty sure that Miya-san will never mention it, especially not in front of me. Deep down, he's actually very considerate and nice, even though he doesn't often show that side."

The exhale of relief on the other side makes you smile a little, and you're glad that he feels better now.

"I love you too, y/n. Thank you. Thank you for being so patient and understanding with me."

"Hey, it's your birthday after all. I can't be mad at my birthday boy. And, um... I've got some more pictures if you want to see them? I even made a short video of me... um... doing things." You feverishly blush at the end of your words, now clutching the sheets underneath your hand while you wait for his answer.

Hinata's tone is more dark and serious when he answers, and damn, it's always so hot to hear him talk like this. "What kind of things? I think I need to know before you send something. You have to be very specific."

Your breath hitches in your throat, and a slight shiver runs down your body. "I... touched myself. I thought about how you'd do it and touched my breasts, and then rubbed my... clit." You're proud of how steady these words come from you, and he releases a deep breath before he answers.

"Oh? What a good girl you are for me. How about you send me those pictures and videos, and I'll send you some in return? Show you what you do to me. And when I'm home, I want you to show me everything you did again. I need to see if you're properly touching yourself for me when I'm not there. Understand, baby?"

You only manage to nod breathlessly, a soft hum escaping your lips at his words, and the tingling feeling between your legs starts to make your mind dizzy.

"Shoyo, when will you come home? I need you." You can basically hear how he runs his hand through his wild orange hair in frustration because he can't be with you right now.

"Just two more hours. Can you manage, baby? Can you prep yourself for me? And when I come home, I'll get my present, nice and wet for me?"

You nod your head and quickly gasp a "yes-" already anticipating the moment he will come home.

"Such a good girl for me. Such a good girl on my birthday. I have to go, but make sure to send me those pictures, okay? I'll see you soon."

"Okay, Shoyo. I love you."

"I love you more." You quickly select the pictures in your camera roll and press send, only to receive an immediate response consisting of three pictures showing the rock-hard bulge underneath his tight boxers while he has his shirt between his teeth to expose his chest. A quick message follows that almost makes you drop the phone.

"Can't wait to see you, baby."

[artimeanatheart]

Aaron Character Analysis-Quests Book Four Part Two

What happens next is what has been coming since Aaron took on the role of head mage after Alex's death. It's what he knew would happen even back in Island of Dragons if he took charge of Artime. Really, there was only one logical conclusion to Aaron's arc in these middle books of Quests.

Giving up the Robe

"But Aaron, who seemed uncomfortable in his role as head mage, had mentioned to Thisbe that he thought the party was a good way to 'unite the island and go forward together,' despite the new situation. Thisbe was learning that this was of speaking was code for the dissenters being disruptive and harshly critical of them-which she'd witnessed firsthand since they'd returned home."

Aaron is trying so hard to lead Artime during the first part of the book. He's trying to navigate this really tough political situation on top of grieving for his brother and worrying about his sisters. He's approaching every challenge very calmly and intellectually, even though he's getting really tired of dealing with the dissenters. And they're not only going after him, now, which he can stand, they're going after his sisters. He takes all the metaphorical punches and the only stands he takes are to correct blatantly wrong accusations and to tell them to back off of his family.  He tells Thisbe to defend herself if the dissenters attack, but he makes no mention of doing anything to fight back himself.

"Kaylee shrugged, then said primly, 'I don't condone fist fighting, children.' Aaron kept his lips pressed tightly together as Kaylee continued. 'I only punched her after she landed this one. And, well, she's gone now, isn't she?'"

Kaylee knows that Aaron won't defend himself, so she steps up and defends him, taking a punch for him and proceeding to beat the crap out of Frieda (go Kaylee!). I do wish we had gotten to see more of Aaron's reaction to Kaylee getting punched. He was clearly upset, but it wasn't clear if it was upset in a 'I'm so mad they hurt my loved one I want to hurt them' way or a 'I'm angry at myself because someone I love got hurt because of me' way.  I tend to lean towards the second option.

"Aaron frowned, and his face retained a troubled expression. 'I'm honestly not sure what to do. Should we go back and try to deal with this? We need our people prepared for this attack. But if I get caught up in the shouting match, we waste even more planning time.' He hung his head, exasperated. 'I wish they would just try to understand that and give us some time to take care of this immediate problem before it's too late for everyone. It's so frustrating!'"

But even though Aaron is still trying to lead, he's pretty resigned to the fact that he's not going to be able to fix the situation. He thinks it's out of his control, and so it is. Things just keep getting worse and worse. He and his sisters are driven out of Artime and the Revinir, the woman who killed his brother, is on her way and they don't have any way to fight her. He's stressed and spiraling and frustrated and he just wishes that the problem of the dissenters would just go away. But he knows it won't so he's convinced to try one last time to fix things with them.

"Frieda Stubbs stepped forward. 'I'll do it.' Aaron stared at her. Everyone gasped. And then slowly Aaron took off the robe. 'Aaron, stop!' said Florence. The head mage handed the robe to Frieda Stubbs."

Which brings me to the scene where he gives up the robe. Aaron has been planning to give up on being head mage from pretty much the moment he took on the role. At first, he was only staying head mage until Artime was back up running smoothly and the rescue team was back. Now both of those things have happened, so why didn't he pass the robe onto someone else sooner? I don't think it's because he feels any lingering desire to be in charge of something-he's very clear that leading Artime is not what he wants.

"Aaron focused on the woman who had started Artime's descent into madness and felt suddenly very weary. 'I am trying to prevent you all from getting killed,' he said, his voice ragged, 'while also protecting the Revinir's targets. Just as Alex would have done.'"

I think there's a chance Aaron feels like Alex would have wanted him to lead, so he's determined to at least try being head mage before he gives it up, for Alex's sake. He wants to honor Alex's memory and doesn't want to let him down, yet again. But also, who would he have given the robe to? Claire has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want it. Sean and Carina have never expressed any desire to be head mage, and Samheed will barely even talk to Aaron. Lani probably would have taken it, if Aaron had offered, but I don't think she really wanted it either. She's not the type of person to sit quietly back and let other people argue about who gets to do something that she wants to do, and Aaron's certainly not going to force the robe on someone who shows no signs of wanting it. Aaron also still sees Fifer and Thisbe as kids-Fifer moreso than Thisbe-so he wouldn't even consider them as options yet. He's backed into a corner with no good options left.

"Aaron felt like he was about to explode. 'You have no idea how leadership works! And I didn't even want this job!" he yelled. 'If anybody else would like to be head mage and can save Artime from this attack, just say the word, because I have had it with all of this!'"

So he gives the robe to Frieda. It's such a stupid move but it makes so much sense for him. Frieda has spent the last several months attacking his integrity and his family. He can't take it anymore. He's tired and he's worried about his family and he's trying to prepare for an impossible battle. He can't do all that and lead anymore. It also shows just how far he's come.  Even at the end of Island of Dragons, when Alex offered him the position of head mage, he struggled with figuring out if he wanted the position or not. There were chapters dedicated to his internal struggle over giving up the robe. Now, he can give it up easily. Honestly a little too easily.

"'I don't need a robe to try to save Artime,' said Aaron quietly. 'It's better for everyone that this distraction ends now. Good luck, Frieda. You're going to need it.'"

The Artimeans were also spending so much time either attacking or defending him that they weren't preparing for the first battle on Artimean soil in ten years. The first battle without Alex. He hoped that removing himself from the equation would allow the Artimeans to choose a leader they liked, giving them a better fighting chance. He also was not giving up on the battle or Artime. He was giving up on leadership. He was still intending to do everything in his power to help Artime and his loved ones who call it home. He'd have more energy to focus And that it would free him up to do other things to help Artime.

"Aaron closed his eyes briefly as mixed emotions flowed through him. He wished they'd put their efforts into practicing their fighting skills, but he was grateful to have some support. Yet. . .he didn't regret leaving the toxic situation."

Aaron did have another motivation for giving up the robe, of course: he flat out didn't want it. He wasn't happy in the role and he knew he had to get out, for his own sake. So yes, as Samheed pointed out, it was selfish for him to give up the robe like that. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, on a personal level. On a political level it led to a civil war, although that probably would have happened even if he had kept the robe or given it to Claire or one of his other supporters. Frieda wanted the Stowes gone and would have had enough influence to cause problems even if Aaron hadn't given her the robe. Personally, Aaron was removing himself from a toxic situation that put him and his loved ones in actual, physical danger. Sometimes, it's alright to be selfish. Aaron is pretty good at setting healthy boundaries for himself. That's not something Alex was good at, which did help make him a good leader but led to a lot of issues with his mental health and interpersonal relationships. The fact that Aaron can set personal boundaries means that he's better at taking care of his mental health and nurturing relationships, but is not a good leader.

"Aaron turned to the winged cheetah. In that instant his face fell as he realized what he'd just done to the beast. His face flooded with regret. And then the regret cleared and turned to resolve. 'You heard me, Simber. It's done. I'm. . .I'm done.'"

After Aaron gives up official leadership, he almost immediately relaxes. He's less frustrated and anxious. He's able to calm down and focus in on finding ways to prevent the Revinir's attack. He does feel bad about giving up the robe in the way that he did, but he doesn't regret that he did it in the first place. Looking back, one of Samheed's biggest issues with Aaron in this book was that he wasn't sure that Aaron was the right person to lead Artime. If he had told Aaron that, he'd have found that Aaron agreed with him.

But now it's too late to fix any of these problems and Artime is in chaos.

[sugarpuptard]

this is probably gonna be a long vent

ugh i keep doing too bad i feel too bleh and it gotta be a traumaversary so it could be why i feel so frozen today and for the past few days. i miss my grandma.. 4 years without her and its been hard on me and my family. she stayed long enough for my mom's birthday thru cancer & covid and since that its been rough when its my mom's bday again. im still mad how someone made it all about herself when she wasn't the one fucking dying, i couldn't grieve properly and i wasn't allowed to grieve properly, everything had to be about her and how she felt 25/8 and i tried so hard bending over backwards for her all the time just to be "rewarded" by being shown its not enough and it gets misconstrued, and im supposed to just apologize and take it. the memories both feel so fresh yet so faded and foggy, those 5 years are honestly so foggy but the years before it are as well, i feel like i wasted so much time, and im mad at the fact that i still feel mad and hurt after everything has moved on now and im safe. but i still get scared that i will be hurt in some way again, that i will do something out of love that will be taken wrong and i'll be berated over it again. its been getting better, i rarely get phantom notifications anymore and managed to desensitize myself with enough apps spamming me that its normal and nothing to feel panic over, most of their things have been ripped to pieces and thrown away when i find them cleaning, though not everything is fully clean and i dont like to be reminded when i do things to care for myself. ive never been able to grieve properly since i was very little, and i tried to give myself the chance to but the stress of it all fucked it all up and im still here just trying to block it out until i cant anymore. then blocking it out makes my emotions worse and not expressed properly so it comes up as emotions of hate and anger that i hate feeling and makes me angry that im feeling it, and i'll think and say things that i dont really mean if i think about them long enough because im just frustrated that i didnt have the chance for that to be peaceful or for anything to be peaceful and i just want the time back. i wish i could get the time back. i try to be optimistic, maybe if things didnt go as they didnt i wouldn't have reached out to my online-childhood-friend-now-fiancé and wouldn't have that feeling of safety and security finally, i am in my heart grateful for how things have gone in my life as its shown me so much, but when i think about all the times that i missed or were messed up and ruined, i grieve those things but i still cant grieve properly so idk how to process anything anymore i just try to ignore but its just so hard sometimes. my fiancé says i shouldn't dwell on it, i find myself snapping back into my mind in the mist of dwelling, and i become aware of the emotions in my muscles and its color swirling in my mind uncomfortably. i dont like to feel, and when i block them out other new more uncomfortable ones come up through that, i wish it was easier. its scary. i block things out willingly and not too much for too long to the point that i dont know who i am, i dont believe i ever knew who i was, its never been stable for years. sometimes i think i know but it slips away, it will cycle unpredictably and i cant tell if its getting easier to just exist in the in between or if im telling myself its getting easier while i continue to ignore it and tell myself everything is fine until im alone and think and remember and feel and see and hear inside my mind that it doesnt feel like its easier at all, "who i am is none of my business", eventually i'll think long enough about it snd it starts becoming a foggy incoherent mess until my train of thought is derailed and i move on and tune it out until something comes up again, then everything comes up again. i wish it was easy, i wish i was normal, i crave simplicity

god i need to reach out to that therapist again and set something up, i need it before i crave doing something stupid again even more than just the passive thoughts of almost nostalgia. im sure i'll be fine i always will be, i just want things to be easier. i didn't do much today so i feel bad about that, i'll try to do some chores and shower tomorrow, and i should start the seeds for my garden this week so im excited about that, i'll make sure to set up a bird feeder too, i think grandma will like that, i wanna see her as a little bird again, i miss her a lot, i wish i had time alone with her and my actual family during her last moments, i just have to accept things now tho

[relatableblorbopoll]

Round 1 of preliminaries, group 3

The first two places get a place on the bracket

Little reminder: there will be 2 more rounds of preliminaries, the losing blorbos of this poll still have 2 chances of getting in the official bracket

Propaganda under the cut

Conner Bailey (The Land of Stories)

"He falls asleep in class and never hands in his work and gets bad grades but has lots of friends and a big imagination. Likes to write fantasy and science fiction (and maybe other genres as well), and bases a lot of his stories on his own adventures with his sister."

Lucy Honeychurch (A Room With A View)

"trapped in a relationship they feel obligated to maintain ? meanwhile meeting this weirdo who makes question marks out of his dinner and stuff? yeah this was so me and one point and literally helped me break up with my shitty ex. i love lucy honeychurch so much, she just wants to play dumb games with her brother and not be suffocated and live"

Greg Heffley (Diary of a Wimpy Kid)

"Let's be honest, most of us in middle school were a whiny self-centric bitches, and he's a prefect example of this. He will make snarky comments and wonder why a small child cired becuase of them, find his older brother annoying, be disgusted by his younger sib, make mean jokes towards his closest friend and just KNOW that one day he'll be rich and do nothing"

Gideon Nav (The Locked Tomb)

"She's a cocky butch lesbian who can't pull, and I would bet real money she's adhd. Incredibly unreliable narrator, partially because she tunes out of anything uninteresting to her (like the plot), partially because she's not on speaking terms with her own feelings. Deep down she's angry, and lonely, and convinced she's not good enough, and she's terrified to look it all in the eye. She'll keep all her feelings right here and then someday she'll die joking about it."

Akaashi Keiji (Haikyuu!!)

"Outwardly chill 99% of the time but a serial overthinker. Once screamed into his hands when stressed and acted like nothing was wrong right after (see: Image link)."

Burgerpants (Undertale)

"My propaganda is his game dialogue: - "(WHY IS THIS PERSON TRYING TO SELL ME SOMETHING THIS IS A HAMBURGER RESTAURANT I'M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE)" - "What? Why do you keep trying to talk to me? I'll get in trouble if I get chummy with the customers. Sorry. ... SO, I wanted to be an ACTOR-." - "You've still got time. Don't live like me. I'm 19 years old and I've already wasted my entire life." - "Listen. I like you, little buddy. So I'm gonna save you a lot of trouble. Never interact with attractive people." - "Future? WHAT future? Nothing down here EVER changes. I'll probably be trapped at this stupid job forever. - "Ah... my boss. I love that guy. And by that I mean I hate him so, so much." - "Here's a trick, little buddy: Lie to yourself all the time. It makes you feel better." - "Even if it was just working this awful job... I think I did something! I don't know if it's true, but I'll believe it anyway!" - "Huh? Everyone else is DEAD? ... Does that mean I don't have to work today? God. That it were true, little weirdo. That it were true." - "I can't go to hell. I'm all out of vacation days." "

[beevean]

Honestly, as someone who wasn't a huge fan of Frontiers from a gameplay or story perspective, I couldn't help but feel alienated from the fanbase for a while. People seem to praise it up the ass, and I honestly don't see what their seeing in the game. And often times when you point out criticism, you get responses like "It's a step in the right direction, we should praise it" or "You're not a real Sonic fan if you don't like this"

Are you me? :^)

After all the shit we endured with IDW and its endless, vitriolic discourse about its writing and take on Sonic and Eggman and its "deep" morality (which stopped being deep once Flynn got tired of the discourse, then it became "a book for kids")... Frontiers broke me. Again, I must stress: it's not about the game, because I haven't played it and videos don't make it justice. I can believe it's a fun experience. But the writing is honestly '06 level of bad, mostly for how boring and pretentious the story is.

Where are all these deep, emotional character moments? Where are all these compelling character arcs (that are totally not rehashes of past games)? Where is Sage's depth? Why are we praising Eggman sitting on his ass for 90% of the game and then suddenly developing fatherly feelings when past games made clear that he's only proud of his creations when they make him look good and he's more than willing to abuse them for the slightest transgressions (which Sage has made)?

Then you add the forced references (some of them straight up wrong, like the Neo Metal one), the meta jokes, the completely unnecessary lore that to this day I still don't understand, the underwhelming villain, the wasted conflict of Sonic getting corrupted, the lackluster finale, and the fact that literally nothing happens - which would be fine if this game had a tone more like Heroes or Generations, which were aware that story was their lowest priority, but no, this game wants to be DEEP, a step in the right direction after the EVIL PONTAFF! (I still find very... unprofessional? that Flynn wrote a jab at Baldy McNosehair in one of the Egg Memos. It's not even the first time he does that, he also did it in IDW. I get it man, you think your writing is so much better, "thanks for putting the chili back on my dog" :^) )

So anyway. It got to the point where the praise genuinely made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I don't like IDW, I don't like Frontiers, now I don't see anything promising in Prime - am I a bad Sonic fan? Am I being stripped of something that gave me joy since I was 8? I had to distance myself. I had to keep my few friends close and think about the parts I still enjoy.

It's not the first time I took a "break" from Sonic - the period from 2013 to 2017 was... bad. But everyone else agreed that it was! That's the thing. It's one thing to disagree that SA2 is a masterpiece, because fine, whatever, you can't always agree with the majority. But when it comes to modern material, the majority is so vitriolic and nasty, and I can't deal with it anymore. I'll make my own fandom :\

[misteria247]

A little bit of a vent on my health issue as well as the cause of it. Please feel free to ignore this I just need to talk for a moment given the day today and try to wrap my head around this-

So awhile back I started dealing with a reoccurring health problem that I've been dealing with since I was 12 years old. This health issue is not life threatening but it's been stressful and painful to deal with. This health issue is known as a pilonidal cyst. It's a cyst that develops at the tailbone/lower spinal area. It's rather embarrassing and incredibly gross but at the same time it's just how my life works so anyways-

Because of this health issue I'd had to get surgery twice within my lifetime to try and keep it from coming back. Once when I was 12, and once when I was in my high school years. And for awhile it stayed away until a few years ago it'd came back for a third time. And for awhile I've dealt with it, taking antibiotics and calling off from work to rest and not push myself when it gets bad. Why am I talking about this you ask?

Well at the beginning of this week, that same health issue came up, and basically the entire rest of the week I've been either struggling to walk, have been having trouble sitting on my butt in certain positions and have had major back pain because of it. When Tuesday/Wednesday rolled around it busted and I believed that I'd get better since it was starting to drain.

I was wrong.

As soon as it busted, I've been incredibly ill. I've been getting headaches, fevers, and horrendous bouts of nausea. So much so that I've had to call off every day of work and I had to call my doctor to get antibiotics which is the usual drill when this happens. However this time it was different, my doctor had personally asked me if I could come into the office in person asap. Which leads to today.

I go to the doctor and get checked out and long story short I get basically told this.

My scar tissue is having a newer, slightly bigger cyst developing underneath. So much so that he strongly recommends that I get the surgery. He also wants me off from work for the rest of this week as well as next week, well after Thanksgiving to try and heal from the infection of said cyst as well as have the antibiotics do their job and get an appointment set up to meet with the surgeon they've referred me to.

I've went to this surgeon before for an earlier referral, however I'd refused to do the surgery because at the time my cyst wasn't exactly needing that kind of medical care. It was manageable. That and unlike the other two surgeons I'd went to in the past, this one was actually honest with me and told me that even if I'd gotten this surgery, it wasn't a complete guarantee that I'd be rid of this horrible thing. That sometime down the line in my lifetime it could actually come back and we'd have to do surgery again. So back in August I'd told them that I wouldn't do it because in my mind, it just seemed like an absolute waste of time especially given that I could very well end up in the same position once again later within my life. That and I was just so tired of it, it'd be the third time I'd be doing this insanity.

But now it's unavoidable. Because it's getting a new cyst beneath the scar tissue and it's gotten bigger and it's gotten to a point where it's quite literally fucking with my life and way of living. Am I upset about this development?

Absolutely.

In fact I'm currently trying not to break down, just feeling completely numb to the situation. I want to scream, I want to curse, I want to break something, but I also just want to curl up into a ball underneath my blankets and just stay there till this nightmare is over and done with.

I hate it, I hate it so much. That this stupid cyst has been haunting me since sixth grade, that I can't ever seem to be free from it and that I'll always have reminders of it. Whether it's in physical form or in scars on my tailbone and lower back. I just want a fucking break from all the bullshit of this year, from all the health issues that seem to never end. I don't want to be sick anymore, or be in pain constantly anymore.

I just want to be normal and not deal with this anymore.

I have no idea how I'm even going to make this work, how I'm going to earn money while I recover from this surgery whenever I finally get it. I've got bills to pay and mouths to help feed, pets to take care of and not to mention the holidays and whatnot. The only good thing is that I've got my family supporting me during all this, as well as an incredible boss who's been the most understanding and patient woman I've ever had the pleasure to work for.

I don't know what the future will bring, and honest to God I'm worried as well as frustrated with everything but hopefully things will work out in the end. Also I know that it's selfish of me to ask y'all this, but please pray for me, cuz I'm gonna need all the help I can get with this entire situation.

[just-a-random-person24]

More more Stark's Mind notes eps 9-14

Episode 9

“Have you guys ever heard of Felix Freeman?” FELIX MENTION. Talks about him like they were friendly/friends

“Just don't get discouraged by that man's words.” I stg it sounds more like he's telling that to himself than the little survivor group he has

“Just keep going. Whether you have to help someone, or kill someone, there's one clear goal in mind.” Oh 💔

“Just don't let up, Stark. Don't give in.” He's trying to make himself feel better </3

“We would've been out of here if someone had one god damned key.” Key's would help if the locks were on your side of the door

“Just don't mind the neurological stress this whole thing has had on me.” And it's gonna get WORSE from here

“People like them are counting on me. And I swear, I will get through this, I will. I have to. It's my responsibility.” He's putting so much on himself god

Episode 10

“What do they use? Echolocation?” I have no clue about the Black Mesa headcrab models, but the og Headcrab models do actually have eyes! They're on its front pincers(?) and are pretty small

“I wish I knew how to do a pull-up.” Again, twink.

“You can never hate Mr. Whiskers.” CAT PERSON 🐱 (cat-bo💥)

“Sorry, insects and arachnids.” Very important to make that distinction

“I concur.” STUPID FUCKING NERD ASS (/aff)

‘can you access the mail server?’ “That's not helping!” I just found that interaction funny lmao

Episode 11

“So as of right now, when I get to the surface I'll have to deal with being an imposter, PTSD, the deaths of several employees, and an alien invasion. Oh and that whistle blowing thing from back then.” The whistle blowing thing???

“I can already see the headlines. ‘Charming physicist saves entire facility.’” Sir, your ego is showing.

5 grenades used before he gives up on trying to blow the turret up with one. Please learn to conserve your shit I'm begging 💔

Gets shot somewhere by the turret (probably on face? He says he felt it)

“Once I get out… Well, if I get out. Correction.” Give yourself some more credit man </3

Episode 12

“I might be overthinking this whole thing!” About seeing someone from the ‘rescue team’ shoot a scientist

2 ear injuries! Both ears are injured

“Christ my ears…” There's no way he doesn't have some form of hearing damage from all of this

“Somebody should supply the military with a fucking thesaurus.” *cough* Yore dead Freeman *cough*

“I still don't know how I'm doing this!” Fear and adrenaline is one hell of a combo

“I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, and somehow… I really shouldn't dwell on that kind of thinking too much. Usually that kind of thinking leads you to your death.” Oh ☹️

Episode 13

“I'm being a bit overdramatic, aren't I?” HAVE YOU SEEN THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN?

“There's also no point fighting scared civilians either!” sir you are way past the point of being a civilian?

“It's kill or be killed.” No actual comment, I just like how he says it

Episode 14

He's… so, so dumb sometimes (presses a random button without knowing what it would do)

“This is how I would envision a railway system set deep underground.” That's… so specific cause what else would that be.

His reaction to the actual tram is so <3 cause it's the only time in this whole series he finds something amusing (which I mean, fair tbh)

“My nose is bleeding because of the sheer amount of rage and frustration that I am going through right now.” Fun fact, stress can actually cause/worsen nosebleeds! So rip man

“I am the embodiment of anger.” I am so sorry but he's so cringe sometimes please shut up (/lovingly)

“See! That's not real- it's real.” I have so many questions. Why does Black Mesa just, have that much toxic waste??

“Until I become suicidal or something.” You… aren't already?

[riveroverthesky]

So, recently I just learned Relocation Depression is a thing.

Which isn't something I would normally associate with myself because my family moved around pretty much my entire life. Maybe my parents did a good job of cushioning the blow by turning it into an adventure. Moving means a brand new bedroom I get to paint, a brand new park to play in, a brand new forest to explore, a brand new school where my bullies don't go to. Sure, my old friends wouldn't be there but I have my older brother, and he's already my best friend so its fine.

This time however I'm not feeling the old joys of being in a new place, decorating my own apartment, trying new food, and making new friends. Everyone I love is now in a different time zone so now I have to workaround when is the best time to call. I can't see them on a whim anymore, can't tell them I how weird it feels being in a different country where the culture is different, the rules are different, the people are different and you feel like an oddity for just being yourself.

Lately I just feel tired.

I've felt tired for a while but I think I've just been ignoring the signs. I have trouble convincing myself to go to bed when I'm tired, I keep jolting awake at 3am convinced I overslept, and I'm stressed out at work. I'm gonna be taking on more responsibility and its becoming very clear there are gaps in my knowledge that I need to fix before anyone finds out I'm way underqualified. My new co-workers said some pretty transphobic shit over the course of my first week. To the point I've now associated the word "mental case" with my own sense of self because that's what they believe someone like me is. A mental case.

My gender dysphoria has shot through the roof, so now I'm stress eating again which is just feeding my dysphoria even more. I'm painfully aware I don't fit into my favourite jeans anymore, my fat is hanging in the wrong places on my hips, my breasts are getting bigger, and I couldn't come out of the closet even if I wanted to because my brain won't be satisfied until I "look how I'm suppose to look". Enby folk are all beautiful skinny androgynous people with dyed hair. I don't look like that, so I avoid looking in mirrors and critique my height, high-pitched voice and the other girly parts I want to hack off with a knife.

Worse, I can't escape my own thoughts because I constantly make excuses for why I don't have the time to enjoy any of my hobbies. Can't write my original story because I have a backlog of fanfics I wanna write. Oh, can't write any of these fics because there's too many WIPs and I'm overwhelmed by choice. I wanna RP again but I have too many muses fighting for attention and the muse I want to write for needs their own blog and that's my least favourite part of the process.

Writing is overbearing, lets do something else instead.

I want to practise drawing my own characters, but I lost any skill I had as a kid and its gonna take way too long to catch up and be where I need to be...maybe I should just watch youtube tutorials instead of practising.

I wanna learn Spanish on my commute to work, oh but I always listen to audible in the car. Which one do I pick? Maybe I should just listen to music that doesn't require me to pay attention.

I downloaded a ton of games to play so maybe I can do that instead. No, I'm not a little kid anymore. I'll just feel guilty for wasting the entire day away playing video games instead of doing chores.

Maybe I could watch this series on my watch list? No, I'm not really in the mood to give this thing my full attention...maybe I should just scroll social media. That doesn't require any brain power. Social media is always there for me. It would never hurt me.

I'm sad now...Maybe I should quit social media...but what else would I do?...Wow I'm lonely. I should talk to my friends...but its been years and I'm sure they're busy...and its gonna be weird to jump out of the blue asking to pick up where we left off...is that selfish?...Wanting to rekindle a friendship because you're lonely?...That doesn't sound like something a good friend would do...I wish I was a good person...maybe I would have done a better job of making time for my friends...I miss them...I'm sorry I was a shit friend...I wish we could go back to college and start over...I promise I'll appreciate you this time around...But you're married and have different prioritise now...it sounds nice having a roommate...it sounds nice having someone to go home to...

[lightandwinged]

So I have to rant about a health thing and it's related to dieting and weight loss/things around that, so if that's a triggering subject for you, either ignore this or if you really want to read it, read with knowledge that this is the subject matter at hand.

You see, I entered my medical group's nonsurgical bariatric program this month.

This isn't something I was planning on doing just yet, mostly because I believe firmly that physical health and mental health go hand-in-hand, and while I do want to get my physical health figured out, I'm trying to blow apart the kinks with my mental health right now, which is a process. I'm doing EMDR to work through some fucked up traumatic memories, and it's working wonders, but it's exhausting and hard work.

BUT then I went in to my primary because my ability to have an orgasm has dwindled to near zero in recent months. And not going into too much detail about that, but considering my history of spinal injury, that's a huge red flag, so my primary for once got really alarmed when I told her something and asked me to come in.

My primary is not very good with fat people. I've had primaries who are good with fat people, who've sort of said, "yeah, your BMI isn't where I'm supposed to say it is, but you're otherwise perfectly healthy, so let's talk about what you came in here for today," and they're great. This primary... well, she hears out my complaint but wants to mostly focus on my weight the whole time. Like as little as possible on the complaint (e.g., "that spot looks like a mole, so here's a referral to the dermatologist. Now, they did weigh you when you came in, and I noticed that...") and most of it on my weight. It's annoying.

And this time was no exception. She's concerned about my migraines and loss of sensation, so she gave me referrals to neurology and PT and then we started talking about my weight. She asked if I still drank Dr. Pepper (which I was like, "yeah, but I'm not fucking him, so what does this have to do with my orgasms?") and then offered to refer me to the practice's nonsurgical bariatric program, and I said sure, because I wanted her to leave me alone.

And so far, it's not great. The advice they have for weight loss is the kind of shit you can find on any Reddit thread about Lizzo. It's the kind of bland, soulless one-size-fits-all diet approach that I could get without subjecting myself to copays--shit like "aim for no more than 1200-1500 calories a day and exercise at least 150 minutes a week" which literally, you google "diet" and there it is, that exact advice.

And it's not what I want. I know that I have issues with food. I stress eat, and I eat my safe foods in order to keep some semblance of order in my chaotic life. I've developed a fear of wasting food for some reason (it never used to exist; I used to be like "mm, two bites was enough noodle"), and so I tend to wolf down way more food than I should because I don't want to throw any away, especially if it's something I really like. Being autistic, I have very beige safe foods because the foods that are the same taste and temperature every time tend to be beige and super processed. My relationship with vegetables and fruits is fraught. And though I've never LIKED doing a lot of moving around (and living on a hill that's at a 45 degree angle doesn't help that), the trauma of my spinal injury really made it terrifying for me, like if I do too much in the wrong way, I'll be screaming for my life in the back of an ambulance again.

In other words, I know what my issues are. And what I want is to have a healthy relationship with food. I want to eat for the joy of it, not for a hit of dopamine or to wolf down a plate of pasta carbonara bigger than my face because I'm afraid of it being wasted. I want to enjoy the flavors of the foods I eat and savor them and embrace everything that food is besides fuel: it's joy, it's community, it's art, it's culture. I want to feel the way I've felt when eating a new dish so very often. I want to embrace vegetables and fruits. And I want to move. I want to hike all the gorgeous paths nearby. I want to dance without getting super tired. I want to walk around the city without hurting.

But this program.

They gave us a handbook, and the moralization of food is just. Everywhere. Salmon good. Kale good. Egg good. But god forbid you have a slice of cake at a coworker's birthday party. The handbook writes about it, "too bad about the cake, but you'll do better the rest of the day." When we had group therapy the other day, two participants had just gone on vacation and were beating themselves up for not eating "good" on vacation (not "well" because eating well and eating good are two different things). They kept lamenting how they were bad for eating at restaurants because they couldn't control what was in the food, and I was like... if we were all way thinner, our therapist would be telling us to stop sweating it, so wtf?

But instead, the therapist talked about whether this was a "lapse" in judgment or a "relapse" into eating bad. And I do get that food is an addiction in a lot of times and that learning to not binge eat or eat mindlessly is very important. I'm working on mindful eating myself. But lord almighty, I'm not going to self flagellate over going to a nice restaurant on vacation because I couldn't see how much salt was going in the dish. For me, the victory on vacation would be having that dish I couldn't control because I wouldn't know what was in it and trying something new and maybe even liking it.

I just. nngh. I don't love being fat. I miss buying straight size clothes and not feeling like I take up too much space and not feeling like my ass needs a "wide load" sign on it. But if I lose weight, I want it to be from a healthy and sustainable place, not from a place of hyper control. I have negative interest in weighing myself every day, as they suggest. I have negative interest in even thinking about losing weight when I travel. I want a healthy relationship with food, but this isn't it, not by a long shot.

[treadmilltreats]

Letting life get to you

I remember one day while I was at work, one of my guys from the back came in complaining of clients and factory delays. He was so upset and was just really letting it get to him. I couldn't help but laugh, and he turned to look at me like he thought I was nuts.

He wanted to know what I thought was so funny. I explained that I had just written a blog about being happy and that all the stuff that happens with this business or my business means nothing when it comes to my inner happiness.

Yes, things are going to go wrong. Clients are going to yell, but none of it will affect my happiness. This is not what makes my life complete. Yes, we all have to work for a living, but it's not who you are truly.

It's not the end all to be all, it is what you have to do to pay the bills, and if you happen to love your job it's that much easier but it still doesn't give you all your happiness.

So if it's a bad day, am I going to let it affect my joy? Oh hell no, I am going to laugh it off and go on with my happy self, piss on you! You will not steal my joy!

People, so many of you take life so seriously, you need to laugh, because life is way too short, so put it in perspective.

I'll never forget this one day when me and my girlfriend and I were riding our bikes on the boardwalk. It was a beautiful midweek day, and we both happened to be lucky enough to be off and enjoy it. There was hardly anyone on the boardwalk. The wind was blowing, the ocean was blue and flat, and it was just the most perfect day to be at the beach.

We were riding side by side just talking about how lucky we were to be here and enjoying this day, when this older lady came from the other direction and screamed at us, "SINGLE FILE!!!"

She was so angry that we weren't riding a single file on the bike path. Her face was red, the veins were coming out in her neck, and she had her fist in a ball waving it at us. Yes, she was that pissed off!!

Well... I started to laugh so hard I almost fell off my bike. Really? It's a beautiful day. We are alive and healthy to be able to do this. Is this what is going to set you off? Really? Because we are not riding our bikes in a single file line? When there is nobody on the beach?

I laughed for a good 20 minutes because I felt sorry for her for being so angry about something so minor. You have a problem, and dear God, I don't ever want those problems.

So today, my friends, I am here to tell you to enjoy every second you are given. Be fully present in the moment, laugh loud and often. Let the stresses of work go, and let the stresses of life go, because worrying about them changes nothing! Nothing!

Tell me one time that your worrying affected the outcome of something? Never! So why waste that emotion? Let it go, be happy, break out of your single file life, and laugh!!

I promise you, things will look so much better when you do.

"Be the change you want to see,"

@TreadmillTreats

[sonicblueartist]

I'm so impressed by how much you write, do you have any tips?

Tips For Writing A Lot?

Sure. I can try to explain it as best as I can.

The moment an idea comes to my mind, I write it down. I don't start editing right away. If I have to do research, I will do it. For me, doing research is very fun and I would love to share what I find with you. Do I need to write something about a disease? I immediately research and add whatever I find on the internet to my story (not everything of course. Don't want to fill your mind with countless/unnecessary information and scare you away/ bore you into the further reading) This also develops and moves the story forward. Both in terms of fullness and vocabulary.

I'll try to fit my ideas in your requests if it suits your wishes. Whenever it comes. I write as I feel like. I start with whichever one I feel closer to. I always give a start to all your requests. So when I look back and see the words there, I don't go back, it pushes me to write more.

I also use translator after editing (I am calling out to those whose native language is not English) It also helps a lot for me to find new words/sentences to add. Or fix mistakes that I missed while editing. You do this or don't, that's do not change what you do. You write, you pour your mind into words. That's what counts. No one can think excatly like you, even if they did no one can write/express like you. (Don't leave all the job to the translator. It sometimes translate wrong or add wrong pronoun/noun) Either you know this or not I am leaving a warning anyway.

If you don't force yourself a bit. Sit down, open the site and start writing without any disturbance/ without anything to distract you, you will not and can't write at all even if you do want to. I know that from myself. Distractions. A pain in the ass. I do that to myself, a lot. I regret immediately. I do it anyway, I know cuz it happens a bit out of my will. Probably because of habit. But I shouldn't. I'm ready to write, but suddenly I go to YouTube or another social media and waste a lot of time there. Even if I go back to writing again, I lose my desire, I don't want to write anymore, I get tired or my ideas poof away. This is when your will, yourself, your mind come into play. You need to stop and remind yourself. Ask what you want to do first. Do you want to write? Need to do homework? Or need to do housework? Or do you want to waste time? Maybe you will have fun while you waste that time, but sometimes you need to stop having fun so that you can do your responsibilities. Time will not come back. It's the dearest thing you have. Getting in trouble is really not a good thing. As the day of your work gets closer, you become more stressed. It is always better to do it right away from the first day than to delay it. (Tho songs matching with your mood or the story can help too)

But first and foremost take care of yourself. You always come first. Sleep at the right time. Eat at the right dose. Believe me when I say this, if you don't eat or sleep your mind after some point literally stops working and that's a huge no for us writers because if your mind not working? You can't write. (This is like a huge writers block moment lmao Even if you are depressed sometimes the best ideas comes from unexpected moments) I know some of best times to write/good ideas nearly all the time comes at night. (For me it also comes when I am showering. Staying in there at least for an hour 👀💦) But sometimes you have to do sacrifices to live more lmao

This is like cooking. You can't rush it, ir would taste bad. You can't cook it for too long. Everything has to be in time. If you are cooking more than one dish, the cooking time for all of them will be different. Depending on the difference in ingredients in it~

I think... I write a bit a lot here. But thanks for reading all these (if you did 👀) and for the ask!

[cherishmangoes]

Life Taken for Granted

Guess what's making me write this stuff? A movie and I'll obviously mention its name later below. So what makes you think that you'll be alive tomorrow? You're 18? 10? 25? 50? name it, the youngest possible or even an age that seems to be where death doesn't knock its doors often, well lemme tell you if a guy at age 26 could have a heart attack, or a person who is 9 years old could go in a completely unresponsive state or god knows you're in a car accident and next time you wake up you have an episode of memory loss for whatever period of time, well you don't know what life could give you. It's funny how so many of us born so healthy yet don't question god or a doctor or whatever entity, why? Yet when an obstacle strikes us really bad of any kind, sometimes continuously, we always wonder "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why does it always happen to me?". We so many times forget to appreciate the simplest things in our life; our legs, they're able to walk mountains; our hands, so we could type or draw; our eyes see the most beautiful things like the people closest to us or the beauty of the world; or every little thing that people may do for us that goes unnoticed like the good mornings or the good nights, the breakfast that your parents have prepared for you or even the fact how clumsy/overprotective but cute your sibling can be or the time with your pet or the support of your friend even at the smallest times, its all really golden, and trust me there is so much more compared to what I have written, but well I bet you already know by now. My point for all of this? What guarantee you got that the person sitting across your dining table would be alive tomorrow? That could be anyone really. We have no idea about it yet we agonize about our life every minute of our precious time of what we're gonna do in the future. 10 years, 5 years down the lane where do you see yourself? Hell we don't even know what could happen the very next second. Look I get it we do set goals and have our dreams, ambitions and passion but

1. Don't get so lost in for the future that you forget to appreciate the now

2. If you don't know what you wanna do in life, or what you're gonna become, stop thinking and stressing about it so much, like stop and think just why are you so anxious about it? (Well this is coming from a person who has faced this and is probably facing it and trust me thinking about it wont do shit) well of course knowing your interests could help and one shouldn't be clueless about themselves or unaware of what's going around them but dude stop thinking and start trying out stuff, it could be jobs, programs, anything. Don't be so lost in thinking that you lose an amazing opportunity.

3. Start being grateful for life, I'm not saying that if you've faced something horrible or you are facing something like that right now, don't feel sad about it ,NO, that's wrong feel it, get help ,cry because you're only human but don't ever get so stuck in the void of darkness that all you do every time and all the time is sulk, whine, cry, become ungrateful and don't move past it. Instead of keeping it in your mind and not letting it go or trying to forget about it, keep it there but rather than crumbling it like a piece of paper and letting it occupy so much space in your mind, fold it neatly and keep it aside. Life is learning how to do that and life is so much more than just pain. So stop wasting your time on things that don't matter and start spending it with people and things that actually do. As it was once there in "In Time" the movie, if time was our currency rather than money, maybe we would know why to value it more than anything.

The movie that I teared up from was "The Awakenings" available on Netflix, revolves around mainly on a disorder which leads to a person becoming unresponsive. How people lose 10, 20, 30 years of life and come back to only know the whole world has changed, that they have aged. How sometimes people would like to be alive and normal, but what could be this normal? Just going on a walk or reading a book without any disturbances, enjoying such times. And so it leaves us with a lesson, a message that maybe its us who needs to be awakened to try and live life to its fullest extent, while we can by just talking, empathy, enjoying and gratitude. I hope this helped you or was maybe a useful piece of information. This is meant to be a reminder to people.

Thankyou!

(My apologies for any grammatical errors or just errors in general, it's my first time writing a blog and don't forget to watch the movies I have mentioned above, both are totally worth your time and available on Netflix)

[xxdoubledaisyxx]

I do not like video games anymore

There is too much evil and too many invaders entering my home through the game to disturb my peace and enjoyment. I do not enjoy them anymore and likely will stop playing them entirely from now on.

It's just not worth it. I sincerely hope to find something else to entertain me, because that was the only thing I found to make life worth living, but it is not good anymore and no longer an improvement. Video games now inconvenience, stress, and threaten the peace and safety of a home, and I would rather not.

Sitting still in quiet isn't so bad when it is what you want to do on account of how evil everything else is.

Especially when at any time you can shout down the evil of circumcised mutilator freakflesh from the mindair at any time, or in the air-air with a drangonrend blast of lambasting insults and hatred for Jews and their greedy, selfish ways of perverse butt licking.

I do want to paint digital art again, but I do not wish to do so while the invaders and traitors are on my computer antagonizing me, making it more difficult, and vandalizing the new software update to apply their malware. They are on my computer already, all of my devices, and I doubt that a formatting of the drives would remove their bugs.

So. I will wait until I have resources to buy a new computer before I resume that, or not at all.

Maybe I can have one specially ordered to be completely disabled from network access and require all software and applications to be installed from external devices and media. Something that is most-probably secure, but still unlikely, because they can just call up Bob Swan at Intel, and he'll call up Joe Circumcised somewhere in cubicle stupid, and then they will fuck over my life in an inordinately distressing way by clicking a button as a mindless slave to their evil overlord with no respect for law or dignity.

It is honestly easier for me to conquer the world than figure out how to make anti-virus software work when I don't want to trouble myself with the minor inconveniences that were designed as obstacles for the amusement of the offender insulting the dignity of God.

God will help me conquer the world and not help me install anti-virus software.

Rather than waste time sending people to school to learn how to defend against cyberthreats, I'll outlaw cybercrime so severely that there will never be a cyberthreat within civilization, the same way there will not be bomb threats.

How many of you are familiar with explosives or think it would be a good use of your time to make yourself familiar with the use of explosives while in relation to everything else in your life that is realistically doable? How many of you need anti-virus software and have to install it yourself?

The Space Force people? We are going to crucify them in public because they are the incarnation of the crime and evil that I hate so very much. We are going to display their corpses as those of the enemy warriors who betrayed the USA in service of their master Trump, who is a mindless slave to someone manipulating his desires for fame and fortune.

And Satan offered Trump all the kingdoms of the world, and he accepted, which was the end of his story. After that Nick saved the world and started the Way of the Story.

Seriously. He's still vainly trying to save that sandcastle of his as it dissolves away into delusional vapors. The tide is coming in, and there is no hope of maintaining his dominion over the kingdoms of the world, at least not with any of them left standing...

I am pretty sure everyone gets asked that question in life, but it is so very rare that someone ever answers it wrong, and impossibly so on occasions like this, when they answer that question wrong in the spot where they already pretty much had all the kingdoms of the world. Nobody is ever in that position (pretty much) and the people that have access to the opportunity are usually evil and covetous of power, selfish and vile with their lust for money and hatred for humanity, which is what makes is so entertaining to see Trump fail the Christ the way he is most unfortunate to go down in history for doing.

The most hated and reviled person of all time as a historical and scientific fact of nature that only confirms the laws of heaven that are social dignity.

How many of you ever believed it was even remotely possible to be president in life? What about own a home? What about own a business? What about own a wife? What about be loved at all as a human being? Circumcised people suck ass and eat shit. Do away with their world please. I've got something better and will be finished in 3 days, not 7.

[amar-means-moon]

7th of January, 2025

So, I was wrong about university. It is different than school. Very much so.

Ok, let me explain. Taking notes is something new to me, so it means I'm panicking about what to write down and what not to. Now, all of my classes for English are in English, which is great and very logical. But all my courses for French are in German, which is not logical at all. That means I have to put a lot more effort because German is not my first language.

And there is SO much stuff to do, to read and to memorise that it's simply soul-sucking. I'm so tired, always stressed out. The first weeks were hell because of this. I cried every day. Now, I'm just trying to not cry every day.

I'm just so scared. What if I fail? I don't want to have to re-write an exam. What if I fail because I didn't learn enough? Thing is, I barely have any time left to learn for the exams, learn the new input that keeps coming AND do the tons of homework I have to do. Also, I have two exams at exactly the same day at the same hour. I learned yesterday that I could ask my teacher for an alternate date that would still be in February. Should I? Should I not and just wait until April? I don't know. Everyone at uni is saying how it's better to do them now, but I don't think that I'll have time to learn for it. Then again, I need a break without learning once the first exam season is over. I have no idea what to do. I'm tired. I've been tired for a very long time. I can't seem to calm down, my heart is always racing, I can't take any calming breath, I'm not hungry but I still try to eat.

Then I ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Almost everyone seems hell-bent on telling me that being a teacher sucks. My grandma, my aunt, my cousin, an ex-friend: they all tell me that it's a bad idea. And now I'm doubting my choices. It also feels like I'm going to spend an eternity simply doing my bachelor. Not only do I have a double bachelor, I also need to take extra classes to learn how to teach. At this point, I just want to give everything up and stay at home forever.

When I talk about it to my parents, it looks like they can't bare listening to the same thing over and over again, and I don't balme them. I mean, dad doesn't try to hide it. But what else can I do? They keep telling me that I should be more confident in myself, that I should calm down. As if it was that simple. It's not. It's been years since I last was calm enough to enjoy living. And even then, I was not realising it.

Don't get me wrong, there are positive aspects in life. The people I got to know are so much nicer than those at school, I find what I do interesting (and compared to others, it can be considered easy) and in some cases, even fun. I made friends, decided to let go of the people who were making me feel bad. In this aspect, life is nice. Life is nice because I have a loving family, nice friends, we are all healthy. And yet, my anxiety is so overwhelming, so consuming and crushing that it drowns it all.

Even though I have everything to enjoy my life, I can't seem to able to. And that annoys me to no end. My cousin told me how her life at university were the best. At this point, it feels like my best years were when I couldn't think. In his song "Hier Encore", Charles Aznavour sings about how his life was when he was 20 years old, how he feels that he rushed through life, how he (in my interpretation) feels like he wasted his youth and wants to go back.

I could not explain why, but this song calms me, as depressive and melancholic as it is. It's like Aznavour had fun in his 20s, so much fun he rushed through everything and didn't stop to enjoy life. And yet, he was also lost. So, so very lost.

I'm not having THE time of my life, but I'm also trying to rush through this, in the hope of not being lost anymore once all this is over.

God, how I wish everything gets better. How I wish to win, in this fight against myself.