#because if i were wrong i would want to be corrected

[cressidagrey]

Stars all aligned - Chapter 1

Summary:

If there was one thing that both Azriel and Zahra Archeron had in common, it was that they were both very good at blending into the background.

They just never thought that their family were going to be the ones who never saw them at all.

Warning:

Bashing of like...every IC member? I think Rhys gets the worst though, definitely disordered eating, kinda depression?, isolation

(Lovely dividers thanks to @sweetmelodygraphics)

He found her deep inside the House of Wind. Far enough from the festivities of Starfall that it was startling to find her.

The second oldest Archeron Sister must have wandered off just like he had.

“Why aren’t you dancing?” Azriel asked her as he spied her sitting in a puddle of her skirts on one of the couches, staring at the empty fireplace.

“Why aren’t you?” Zahra gave back drily, not even looking up at him.

What exactly was he supposed to answer to that? Oh, I can't stomach watching your sister dance with her mate? And even if I could stomach that, Rhys's mental commentary to him about it had turned his stomach. Even when Azriel had kept away from Elain just like Rhysand had ordered him to do, ever since last year. So really...what was he supposed to answer?

“Dancing isn’t exactly my favourite activity,” Azriel finally replied. It wasn’t a lie. 

"Yeah, well, mine neither," she answered with a shrug. "Not that I ever learned."

"You never learned?" he asked surprised. Nesta had learned. Elain had learned.

"Bastard, remember?" Zahra said drily. "I am lucky that I got to learn how to read and write and do basic math. I was not going to be molded into a perfect lady, because no self-respecting man would marry me anyway."

The blunt way Zahra was talking stunned Azriel momentarily. There was something harsh, something almost...bitter and resentful in her voice as she spoke.

It seemed like it didn't matter if one was born a bastard in Illyria or the Human lands. It was horrible either way.

"Your sisters will miss you," he said instead quietly. "And you'll miss the spectacle."

"I don't really care for the festivities," she said with another shrug. "I don’t like the holidays. Humans don’t have any. We… they are too busy trying to survive," Zahra corrected herself quietly. "And besides, I am only here anyway so I don't end up being an indentured servant until some of you decide that I am back in your good graces,” she gave back caustically.

He grimaced. That Zahra had vehemently disagreed about their treatment of Nesta was well known.

It had surprised him too because it was just as just as well known that Nesta seemed to not care for her half-sister on a good day. They weren't particularly close, in any way, shape or form.

Something in his chest clenched painfully. Not from the insult she threw in his direction, but from the defeated way she said it. That she thought that they would just…toss her aside like that.

She was one of them.

"We won't," he said firmly. Her eyes slowly turned toward him and there were dark shadows in those eyes. Out of all the Archeron Sisters, she was the only one with green eyes. Azriel wondered if she had inherited them from her late mother.

Zahra was only the half-sister after all. The result of her father’s dalliance with a maid. Her age put her somewhere between Nesta and Elain. 

It was easy enough to pick out the differences between Nesta, Elain and Feyre and Zahra. Dark hair similar to Elain’s, but green eyes. Skin a few shades darker than any of theirs. Lips that looked like Feyre’s but a nose that looked like none of her sisters. 

Zahra seemed to belong but didn’t. 

And right now, these green eyes…something was wrong. Something was off with these eyes. 

"You don’t know that," she said with a humourless laugh. "Do you want to lie to me too, and  tell me that Rhysand has nothing to do with whatever happened between Elain and you?"

Azriel stiffened, a low sound escaping his throat. She knew. She knew.

"How did you-" he croaked hoarsely and Zahra cocked an eyebrow at him.

 "Do you really think that I hadn't noticed the two of you dancing around each other for months? Or the fact that you two can barely manage to be in the same room together?" she asked dryly and Azriel averted his gaze.  "There is no one as beautiful and kind as my sister," Zahra said drily. "I don't fault you for falling for her."

Azriel said nothing, the pain in his chest growing at her words. The pain...and the bitter realization that his feelings were not as well-hidden as he had thought they were. 

"It doesn't matter," he said quietly. "She has a mate. She deserves better than me anyway."

"Did Rhysand tell you that too?" Zahra said drily. "You never tried to hide the fact that your mate was dying from the same, so you have that on him."

Azriel gritted his teeth, the pain in his chest becoming almost unbearable. "It doesn’t matter," he repeated firmly, the words tasting like ash in his mouth. "Elain is happy. I would do nothing to put that in danger." 

"Yes, she is," Zahra agreed. "For what it's worth, I am sorry," she apologised to him, her voice honest.

Azriel swallowed, the pain in his chest lessening only to be replaced by something else. Something...much more complicated. Something like…pity.

He pitied her. This young female was so full of bitterness. He couldn’t even fault her for it either. She had been just a bastard. Even when they had first met the Archeron Sisters…Zahra had been working in the household as a maid. Half employee, half part of the family. Like their father couldn’t make up his mind what he should do with his bastard daughter. 

"You don't have anything to apologise for," Azriel finally told her quietly. "Do you really not want to watch?" he asked her. "You are supposed to wish for something when you see the stars fall."

She snorted, the sound bitter. "What I want, I am never going to get," Zahra said, her voice brittle.

He took her in in more detail at that moment.

The simple green gown she wore, high necked and long sleeved...that long gown that did little to hide how thing she was. The dark brown hair, pulled into a braid, obviously trying to hide the pointed tips of her ears and failing...the way her skin, darker than all of her sisters, was nearly ashen.

They had all thought that she was doing well. That Zahra at least was adjusting well.

But she wasn't. She wasn’t doing better.  She hadn't adjusted. Azriel would bet anything that all she wanted in her life was to be human again.

She hadn't adjusted. She just acted in a way that didn't bother anybody, that didn’t spell trouble for anybody.  Zahra had gotten herself a job, managing the accounting at an apothecary in the city.  She had gotten herself a little cottage to rent. She didn’t go out and get drunk. She didn’t use any money from Rhys or Feyre. She showed up for family dinners, staying quiet and polite. 

And if she was miserable…well, then nobody cared, because she didn’t bother anybody. Azriel could understand that. The same was the case for him.

Azriel clenched his jaw, watching her quietly sitting here. The way she was trying to hide away. The dress that was more like a potato sack than anything else. The way her skin was almost...grey. That bitter voice. 

The shadows were stirring and he was unable to look away from her. She looks upset, Master, they told him helpfully. 

"Do you want to go home?" Azriel offered quietly. Home to her cottage? Maybe some peace and quiet would make her feel better. 

Zahra shrugged, not looking at him. Not giving him an inch. That wall of bitterness and sarcasm was so firmly in place, that it was practically a solid wall between them. 

“Don’t want to end like an indentured servant, remember?“ she quipped drily.

“You won’t,“ Azriel said evenly. “You had a headache. I brought you home.“

She still didn’t look at him, her hands tightly knotted into her skirts as she sat there. She was so thin, almost fragile-looking. Her skin was sickly grey. “Come on,” he said finally, walking towards her.

Zahra finally looked up at him. Those green eyes. A bitter and lonely light in them. “What are you doing?“ she muttered. 

“I’m bringing you home,” he said simply, holding out his hand. “Come on, get up.“

Zahra looked at his hand, her gaze wary. “Why?“ she asked quietly. 

“Because you look like you are about to keel over,” he said, more bluntly than intended. 

“Gee, thanks,” she said dryly, her voice sarcastic and bitter. But she placed her hand into his own and let him pull her to her feet, even though he could feel the tension in her entire body. 

Azriel wrapped his arm around her shoulders, steadying her. “Come on. Let’s get you home and into bed,” he said firmly. 

He led her towards the balcony, the last few streaks of light painting the sky, and he grasped her tightly as they shout these few feet into the air until he could winnow to the cottage she rented. 

It’s ugly, the shadows complained. 

He had to agree with them. The cottage was an ugly little thing. Plain. Small. The type of thing that was more of a hovel in the outskirts, rather than anything else. 

“Home sweet home,“ Zahra said dryly, pulling away from him and a key out of her purse. 

That cottage was in serious need of some renovations when the red paint that was flaking off the door was anything to go by. 

As she unlocked the door it became obvious that while she kept it clean and neat.. even that couldn’t help much. This is a hovel, the shadows hissed.

Azriel was inclined to agree. He looked around with a frown, as the shadows scuttered around the tiny cottage. “You live here?“ he couldn’t help but ask. It was a terrible hovel indeed. 

Zahra shrugged as if she didn’t notice the disgust in his voice. “I couldn’t exactly afford anything else at first,” she said drily. 

At least not without taking any money from Rhys and Feyre, and clearly that was nothing that Zahra wanted to do. 

He was struck by how empty it all looked. There was a small kitchen space, a table with a few chairs a fireplace… And the door that led to her bedroom, he assumed. 

“How long have you lived here?“ he asked carefully, taking in the bare emptiness. There were no pictures on the walls. No trinkets and little belongings anywhere. It was…lifeless. She shrugged again and kicked off her shoes, making her way towards the bedroom. “A year?“

The room was equally simple and bare. A bed, a few clothes. A little bathing chamber. That was it. 

“You’ve lived here for over a year?“ Azriel repeated, his voice turning sharp as he looked at everything. There wasn’t even a mirror on the wall. 

When she just shrugged again, he was done. He grabbed her arm and towed her back into the main room. “Stay,” he ordered, pointing at the table and one of the two rickety chairs. 

“What are you doing?“ Zahra asked, raising both eyebrows at him. Her irritation had started to rise considerably. At least that had done something to the sickly colour of her skin. 

“Making sure you eat something before you pass out on me,” Azriel muttered, turning back into the kitchen area, looking around with a frown.

There was…nothing. His shadows reported as much. She literally had a few pieces of bread and some cheese in the whole house. He was more than fuming. That was not enough that she was living in…this hovel, she was apparently also starving herself.

He pointed at the chair again. “Sit,” he ordered a little sharper than he had intended. 

The glare she gave him did not surprise him. Zahra hated being ordered around. “No,” she said firmly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I’m not hungry.“

Azriel clenched his jaw, the anger flaring. How stubborn could she be? 

“You clearly haven’t eaten in days,” he said, pointing out the obvious. “You have nothing in your house to eat.” 

“I have what I need,” she retorted, her own anger flaring. Azriel gritted his teeth, the urge to snap at her almost overwhelming.

“You are skin and bones,” he hissed. “There is barely enough fat on you to keep out the cold.“ 

“Why do you care?“ she snapped right back.

The question hit him squarely in the chest. Why did he care? Why, he asked himself for a moment. Why indeed.

He wasn’t going to lie to himself and say that it was just because she was Feyre’s sister. 

Thankfully, Azriel was saved from actually having to answer, when her stomach grumbled.

Loudly. Azriel almost chuckled at the sound of her own stomach betraying just how hungry she really was. “Clearly your body disagrees with you,” he said drily. 

“Shut up,” Zahra snapped, her skin flushing at the sound of her own stomach. 

“I will shut up after you’ve eaten something,” Azriel said firmly, folding his arms across his chest.

Zahra gave him a glare that could strip the paint from the walls, (but then, the paint was already flaking off anyway). Still, she grudgingly sank down on the chair, her eyes avoiding his. 

He turned back into the kitchen, opening cupboards and drawers and found absolutely nothing. There was nothing. Not even some fruits or vegetables. 

He slammed the last cupboard closed, almost causing the hinges to break, the anger flaring hotly in his chest. That stupid, stubborn, stubborn woman.

“I will personally come here every day and stuff you full until you burst,” he snapped before he could stop himself.

“Why?” she asked and he could hear the challenge in her voice. Her own anger rose to meet his own. “Why would you even bother?“ 

“Because you are starving yourself,” he said, spinning around to face her. “Because you are so thin, I could snap you in half with one hand. Because I’m pretty damn sure you haven’t eaten a proper meal in at least a year. That’s why.“

“Maybe I don’t deserve a proper meal,” she shot back and something inside of him snapped at the tone in her voice. 

Because he knew that feeling. He knew. For just a moment he froze. They were far more similar than they should be. 

It was a terrible realization. He knew what the self-hatred and bitterness was like. He understood it far better than he wanted to.

“Nobody is going to suddenly show up and care,” he told her quietly. He saw her eyes flare at the words and he knew she got the meaning behind them instantly.

She sat there, her jaw tensed. “And what do you know about it?” she snapped, her voice bitter. 

“I know what it feels like to starve oneself,” he said calmly. “I know what it feels like to have not a single person notice or care.“

The words rang truer than they should. Her eyes widened for a moment, shock flashing through her. 

“I know what it feels like to be the one be always at the edge of the family. I know what it feels like for everybody around me to meet their mate but not me.“

The words slipped out before he could stop them. The pain he had buried so deep, deep down flaring up. The pain and loneliness and bitter realization that would never have what everyone else had.

He realized only then how much they really had in common. How similar they were. 

“I know what it feels like to be the afterthought,” he continued, unable to stop now. “I know how it feels to be shoved aside. I know how it feels to watch everyone around me find someone while I’m the one left behind.“ 

He took a step closer to where she was sitting, towering over her. “And I know how it feels to hate myself enough to deny myself the basic needs I actually have.“ 

The last words made her flinch. He was so close he could almost see the pain and guilt and bitter realization flit across her face. Her eyes were on her lap, her fingers wrapped around the edge of the table. 

“I know what it feels like to feel as if I don’t deserve to eat,” he said quietly. “Because I’m not good enough. Not worthy enough. Not deserving enough.“

He knelt down in front of her, forcing her to look at him. To meet his eyes. 

She tried to look away, but he wouldn’t let her. He wanted her to see. To understand that she wasn’t as alone as she thought. “I know what it feels like to punish myself by not giving myself what I actually need,” he said quietly. 

Her breath hitched at the last words, her eyes widening ever so slightly. She was listening. Really listening to what he said.

“You’re not the only one who hates yourself, you know,” he said quietly. The look in her eyes shattered him. The look of realisation. Of bitter understanding. The realization that they were so much more similar than either of them had thought before.

Zahra bit her lip, the guilt flashing across her face. Her hands started trembling, ever so slightly.

“You don’t deserve to go hungry,” he said quietly, his voice firm and quiet. “You don’t deserve to starve yourself. You don’t deserve to live in this… hovel.

“The cauldron should just have killed me,” Zara said her voice brittle. “I don’t like this life.”

And didn’t that break his fucking heart? 

She laughed bitterly, but there was no humour in it. “I’m not even surviving,” she said, a bitter smile on her thin lips. “I’m existing. There is a difference.“ 

The words hit him hard. She was right. She didn’t survive, she just existed. There was a difference and a huge one at that. “Then stop just existing,” he said quietly.

His hand was still cupping her cheek, his thumb stroking gently over her skin. 

“Says the guy that just keeps moping around,” she quipped.

It was a low blow but also true. Azriel’s jaw tensed at the comment. “I don’t mope,” he bit. “I just..“

He didn’t really have a good argument in his defence at the moment. 

He sighed. “We should both stop rotting away,” he said drily.

“Yeah, well, that’s easy to you to say,” Zahra said and he could hear the bitterness in her voice. 

“Eat your cheese,” he responded.

She rolled her eyes and snatched away the slice of cheese off the table. “Happy now?“ she muttered. 

“Delighted,” he gave back drily, as he moved towards her fireplace.

“You don’t need to do that,” Zahra said quietly. “I can do that.”

“Considering you’ve been too starved to think straight, you are going to let me do this,” Azriel cut across her calmly. “You are more than likely to burn yourself.” 

“Don’t the flames bother you?” She asked him quietly. He froze.

Nobody else had ever asked him. They had just expected him to be over it by now. He had 500 years to be over it. His hands clenched.

“Yes,” he answered quietly. “They still do.” It was the honest truth. A truth he never told anyone before, least of all someone like her. The shadows curled around his shoulders and arms as if to calm him down. The flames still bothered him. They always would. “But I learnt to deal with it a long time ago,” he continued.

“That’s not fair to you,” Zahra said, her voice quiet. “You are always the one in discomfort. And nobody cares.”

Her words hit him square in the gut. It was true. It was painfully true. He was always the one being uncomfortable. Always the one on edge. It had always been expected of him to be over it by now, the pain and the hurt. The fear and the bitterness. 

He finished building the fire. Using a match to light it carefully, then closing the door quickly.

“I can deal with it,” he answered quietly. “You should go to sleep,” he advised her.

“So should you,” Zahra told him just as quietly. “You look terrible.“ He knew he looked like crap. But that didn’t matter. 

“I’m fine,” he muttered, brushing off her comment. Even though he knew it was a lie. Even though he knew they were both terrible at taking care of themselves. 

“You are a terrible liar,” she quipped. He looked at her and was surprised to see a tiny smile on her face. 

“And you’re a very stubborn, very stupid, very annoying woman,” he quipped back just as quietly. 

The smile on her face broadened the tiniest bit at the comment. “I could say the same about you,” she shot back. 

“Sleep,” he told her again.

And then he left that little cottage to get back to the House of Wind. He didn’t bother winnowing, instead, he shot up into the sky with one flap of his mighty wings. He wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.

His mind was whirling as he flew back to the House of Wind. So much had happened in the last few hours and it was all still a lot to process.

He had always been good at keeping a rein on his thoughts and his emotions. But this time, he simply couldn’t. 

Zahra and him, always on the outskirts of their family. Ignored and expected to get on with it.

They were so similar in so many ways. It was shocking to realize just how much they actually had in common.

The loneliness and solitude he had come to live with, she had experienced herself. The pain and the bitterness, he could recognize it on her, for he had felt it himself. 

Where are you, Az? Rhys demanded at that moment mentally. Azriel would like to scratch out his eyes, but he didn’t.

I’m flying back to the House, he sent back curtly. Zahra had a headache, so I brought her home.

A headache, Rhys shot back incredulously. Azriel could almost see the look on his High Lord’s face. You really think I will buy that?

I don’t care if you believe me or not, Azriel responded icily, his temper rising already at the tone. It is the truth and I really don’t wish to have a discussion over it.

There was a pause in Rhys’ mind. Then a slight huff. You can be so unbelievably stubborn sometimes, you know that?

Azriel didn’t bother reacting to that.

Elain and Lucien are figuring things out. So keep away from her, Rhys told him sharply.

I am keeping away from her, Azriel shot back, irritation flaring. You really think I will go and ruin this for her?

I don’t know what you are up to, Rhys retorted, and Azriel knew the High Lord was irritated. But I really don’t have the time to deal with your crap right now. That’s an order.

Understood, High Lord, Azriel snarled back and he felt Rhys chuckle in his mind at the tone. I will keep away from your precious Elain, I promise. 

Damn right you will, he heard Rhys mutter in his mind and the mental connection between the two of them snapped close. 

Azriel snarled in irritation as he landed on his balcony and stalked into his room. It wasn’t enough that he was wrestling with his own emotions, No, he also had Rhys all up his ass about it. 

And he was infuriated about the whole thing.

Nobody will suddenly show up and care, he has told Zahra. It was the truth. Nobody would care.

They only cared as long as they got what they wanted from him.

Chip away the pieces they didn’t like. Mould him into a person they could stomach. 

Either it was Rhys ordering to keep away from Elain…or ordering him to behave around Mor and Emerie… and to be quite honest…Azriel was done.

It was always him that needed to bend to make everybody else comfortable. Nobody bends for him.

So many years of following orders, of keeping his mouth shut, of bottling up the anger.

Even when everyone around him was getting what they wanted. They got their happily ever after. And he was left behind.  Not once did someone ever realize that he was struggling. Not once did someone notice that he needed something…anything. That he was hurting and in pain. Nobody even bothered to check on him, to ask how he was doing. 

They all got what they wanted. Mor, Emerie, even Feyre. They all got the mate that they wanted. Rhys, Cassian and even Amren had Varian. 

He was the one always helping everyone else. Always the one having to endure everything. Never anything for himself. No love for himself.

Orders, commands, demands…that’s all it ever was. He didn’t get a say in anything. They just expected him to be fine. And if he wasn’t…he had to push through it. 

He was the tool that did whatever needed to be done. The spy that got the order to do the dirty work. The shadowsinger that just had to endure everything. 

All for scraps of attention.

Azriel was done.

He was so done. With everything. With everyone. With the one-sided affection that he had given in a desperate attempt to feel…something, anything…. 

He needed to stop expecting to get anything from them.

Zahra did not. She seemed to have given that up a very long time ago

The cold realization that they had been doing the same to her hit him. She was also the tool they used when they needed it. She may not be a spy, but they used her just the same. Expected her to be fine. 

She was alone just as much as he was. 

Alone and isolated, an afterthought to their family just as much as he was. 

***

It was quiet in the little cottage. 

Peaceful. 

Comfortable.

Sie should be happy. Or at the very least…she should be content, should she not?.

Zahra had a roof over her head. And if she wanted to…she could afford food.

Her job didn’t pay that well, but it wouldn’t leave her starving. She just wasn’t hungry. She seemingly never was.

That was a lie and she knew it. Deep down she was hungry all the time. She just refused to give in to eating. She refused to listen to her body screaming for sustenance. It didn’t matter, anyway. Nobody cared.

She didn’t care.

Something inside her had broken during her bath in that cauldron. Her humanity had burned away and with that…with that everything Zahra had ever wanted.

She didn’t crave anything anymore. Not love. Not affection. Not attention. Not food. It was all gone. All she felt was numb. 

Cold, empty and numb. Like her shell had hardened and frozen over.

She had never thought it was possible to feel so damn tired without having done anything. 

Zahra forced herself to get up. Forced herself to heat some water on the stove… to make tea. The cheapest tea she had been able to find at the market.

It wasn’t the best. The taste was bitter and the color was more brown than black. But it was tea and she was thirsty enough to drink it.

It wasn’t very warm and left a bitter aftertaste on the tongue. Like her life itself. 

Maybe just dying would have been easier, she reflected bitterly. Was this how eternity would feel? Alone? Tucked away in this cottage? 

All her sisters had been given a mating bond. They had been given another person who loved them unconditionally…that was at their side. That wanted them around. That wanted to spent time with them. 

And then there was her. 

She had been closest to Feyre during the years in that cottage. Nesta gave her the fault for seemingly everything htat had ever gone wrong in her life, though Zahra privately thought that for Nesta, Zahra was just the evidence of another of her father’s failings…Elain…well, Elain was more embarrassed than anything about Zahra’s very existence. But Feyre…well, Feyre hadn’t cared. And so Zahra had tried to dote on her as much as she could. 

And then clearly she had been replaced in Feyre’s affections. 

She didn’t fault her for that. 

Feyre had made her own life. And she had every right to do that. She was busy with her mate and her son and Mor was her best friend and…there was seemingly no place for Zahra there. 

Which was fine. 

It was. 

But if Zahra was completely honest with herself…she was unspeakably jealous of the mating bond of every single one of her sisters. 

Of that promise of at least one person that would be on her side, come Hel or High Water. 

Clearly, something was wrong with her that she hadn’t been given a Mating Bond.

She wasn’t worth a mate. Clearly, something was broken inside her. Otherwise, the cauldron would have given her a mate, right? 

Maybe she was broken so thoroughly that nobody even wanted her. 

Why would they? She was a shell of a person, a ghost of the woman she was supposed to be.

She was cold, empty and numb. Everything that nobody could possibly want. 

Everyone else got a mate, love and happiness. Not her.

She had nothing.

Her hands clenched around her lukewarm cup of tea. 

Some random sparks of light sparked against the mug. A gift from the cauldron. They didn’t seem to do anything but warm whatever they touched. Maybe that was that random power the cauldron had given her. Neither future or death…but…warmth. She supposed it was something.

She wasn’t quite sure what to do with it, and she had never bothered telling anybody about it. 

Sometimes she allowed herself to play with them when she couldn’t sleep. They were strange and utterly useless. 

It wasn’t the power of foresight or the power of a death god…no. She had the stupid power to create sparks. Useless sparks of light. 

Oh well. 

Complaining about her sparks wasn’t going to help her either. 

So she pulled out her work and sat down to do her work as the sun came up and the day went on. 

Zahra balanced the account ledgers for one of the apothecaries in Velaris. Which meant she had a whole box of receipts to sort through and put into said ledger.

One receipt at a time, one name after the other. 

It kept her busy. It paid well enough. She seemed to have some kind of aptitude for it…maybe the fact that her father was a merchant had come through for once. 

She worked until the late evening. Until her eyes couldn’t concentrate on the numbers anymore.Until her back and shoulders ached with pain. She stretched her shoulders back. 

She wondered if she should eat something. Her cheese was gone, thanks to Azriel standing over her until she ate it…but she still had one or two slices of bread, didn’t she? 

She could go food shopping…buy another bread, another chunk of cheese tomorrow. 

Then Zahra heard a knock on the door. 

Confusion spread through her. Who would knock on her door at that very late hour? It was after 9 pm already. 

She got up, walked towards the door and opened it carefully.

It was the last person she would expected to be standing on the front porch. Azriel. 

“I am making you dinner.“

Her eyes widened at that announcement. “You are what?” she asked him dumbly. 

He just gave her a deadpan look and pushed past her. “I am cooking dinner because I am assuming that you haven’t eaten yet,” he told her plainly. 

It was true. Zahra hadn’t eaten a proper meal in god knows how long. But why did he care?? “Why?” she blurted out. “Why do you care if I’ve eaten?” 

He gave her a sharp look and pushed her towards the kitchen chair. “Sit down,” he simply ordered and she was too taken aback to protest against it. 

He had brought his own ingredients. His own knives, all tucked away in a little basket that he put on her countertop. “Can you peel potatoes?” He asked her as he rummaged through it. 

She could just stare at him. 

“Who do you think cooked the meat Feyre hunted?” Zahra replied drily.

Azriel froze in the process of digging something out of the basket on the counter. “You can cook?” he asked her and she heard the surprise in his voice. 

Zahra let out a snort. “Yes, I can cook,” she retorted. “What did you think I was doing this whole time in the cottage? Twiddling my thumbs?” 

He shrugged. “Honestly, I had no idea what you were up to,” he told her truthfully.  “I thought you were as useless as Elain and Nesta were at that point,” he admitted.

“Nesta did all the cleaning and hacked the wook,” Zara corrected him quietly. “Elain mended. I cooked. Feyre was the only one who hunted. And yes, we should have done more, but I did help run the household. The only one who never helped was our father.” The bitterness bled into her voice at that. 

There was a long pause after her admission. Then Azriel exhaled. “I guess I shouldn’t be as surprised as I am,” he muttered. “You don’t strike me as a pampered useless damsel.” 

“Thank you for that assessment, Shadowsinger,” she quipped back. “I will make sure to remember it when I need a pick-me-up.” 

He put a sack of potatoes in front of her. “I take it I’m peeling potatoes,” Zahra murmured, staring at the sack that was in front of her.

“Yes,” Azriel confirmed in that no-nonsense voice of his. “While I prep the meat. I do hope you like rabbit,” he added drily.

“Oh good,” she muttered, grabbing a knife and started to peel away at the potatoes. “Did you hunt it?”

“Yes,” he confirmed, his voice neutral. Zahra bit back a snarky remark and focused on the potatoes. 

They worked like that in silence. Him preparing the meat, her peeling the potatoes and the carrots.

It was odd. This whole thing was odd. Sitting and cooking with Azriel. She hadn’t even known he could cook. 

And yet…it was comfortable. Like the silence wasn’t awkward and neither of them felt the need to break it. It was a comfortable domestic kind of silence. Like they had done this a thousand times before. 

“How are you with spicy food?” Azriel asked her after he had taken the potatoes from her. 

Zahra blinked in surprise. “I have a pretty good tolerance, why?” she asked, curious. 

“All the food I can cook is Illyrian,” Azriel answered drily. “I learned from Rhys’ mother and later from my own. It’s spicy.”

“I can handle a bit of spice,” she assured him. “It should be fine.” He nodded in response. 

The sound of the fire crackling in the stove and him stirring up the meat were the only sounds filling the kitchen as they continued their work. 

Zahra honestly had no idea Azriel could cook. He didn’t seem like the type of male who spent time cooped up in the kitchen, making meals. It was a little surprising. 

And yet, the scents of spices and rabbit were filling her kitchen right now... It smelled almost heavenly. 

She hadn’t smelled something as heavenly in a long time. And her stomach growled in response to the delicious scents of food. Zahra tried to remember when she’d last eaten something actually decent, but she couldn’t think straight. The food was distracting her.

“You look half starved,” Azriel observed in a deadpanned tone and she snapped her head up only to find him looking at her. 

His eyes were focused on her, a frown playing on his forehead. “When was the last time you actually ate something properly?” he asked her, his voice firm. 

She averted her gaze. “I don’t know,” she muttered, looking away from him and to the pot bubbling on the stove. “Maybe a week ago?” 

He was silent for a moment. “That long?” he asked her, his voice carefully neutral. She just shrugged in response to keep herself from admitting that she actually couldn’t remember exactly. 

He poured hot, thick stew into a bowl for her and then put it in front of her, holding out cutlery for her to take. “Why are you doing this?” Zahra asked him weakly.

“Because I wish somehow had done it for me,” Azriel responded

That simple statement made her blink in surprise. It was not an answer she had been expecting. She bit her lip, not really sure what to say. 

And then he simply said. “Eat. You look like you’d blow away at the slightest breeze.”

She should have been angered by that blunt statement, but somehow she wasn’t. 

So Zahra ate.

The food tasted incredibly good. She had to admit that the Shadowsinger was talented with cooking. The food was spiced just perfectly, hot and filled with flavour. 

Every bite made her realize just how incredibly hungry she was. Her stomach filled slowly and the hunger abated with every spoonful. It was like her insides started to come back to life. The numbness was slowly disappearing, replaced by an odd sort of warmth flowing through her limbs. 

"Thank you," she finally said weakly.

Azriel just nodded at her, watching her eat. “Of course,” he murmured and continued with his own food. 

[pupyuj]

dubcon pervy! g!p gym trainer yujin who touches you on parts she’s not supposed to?🤤 you’d be bent over the equipment and she’d press her hard cock against you with her fingers ghosting right above your breasts but that’s ok cuz she’s only correcting your form, right? right??!? it goes on for many sessions but you were a bit dumb to realize her advances :( so one day as she instructs you to do a stretcg that bends you over and gives her a delicious view of your ass, she loses all self-control, pushes your head against the yoga mat, and fucks you from behind hard and nasty like a rabid dog😫she’s been restraining herself for soooo long! and poor you couldn’t do anything but take her big cock cuz she was too strong (grabbing both of your wrists behind your back) :( both of you go on fucking in different positions, on every gym equipment, nonstop. and did i mention, you were a dumb virgin :( and it only turned yujin on even more when you were crying and begging her to stop bc you were unfamiliar with this (extremely good) sensation stirring up in your stomach :((( poor reader has never even touched herself before :( and all yujin wanted to do was to corrupt you😵‍💫

-🍒

this ask has been rotting in my drafts for months omg apologies 🍒 anon 😭😭💔 as always one can never go wrong with pervy yuj 🤓

[cw: dubcon.]

totally into the idea of this yujinnie here being someone you’ve actually known beforehand like maybe she’s an older sibling’s friend or smth so you feel super comfortable around her and is thus blind to anything weird she does to you 😵‍💫 bcs as far as you know that’s just who yujin is: affectionate and naturally touchy-feely with people that she knows! ofc that made it especially easy for her to get away with doing pervy things such as very very sexual comments about your body that she passed off as either jokes or ‘really specific compliments’, briefly brushing her hands against your boobs, touching your ass, etc. 🫣 and the touching doesn’t even stop outside of your one-on-one meetings! seriously, how could you be so stupid to ignore how her hand always rested so suspiciously low whenever she had an arm wrapped around your waist… she was almost disappointed that it was all too easy but you were still so pretty that she needed to fuck you 😳😳

she was hoping to slowly push you into wanting her back just so nobody can tell her shit about abusing her ‘position’ over you as this mentor figure, but one day you just showed up in a particularly skimpy outfit and that was the last straw for her! all morals out the window 😭 and it didn’t help that yujin hadn’t gotten off for days too.. it was perfect! yujinnie watching with bated breath while you were doing your cute little warm-up stretches, she didn’t care to hide her hard-on anymore because why would she?? you’ll get to see her dick in a matter of minutes anyway 🥰 but as morbidly horny yujin was, she doesn’t get to it right away! she had some manners! 😤 she helps you out with a few workouts as per usual, shares a few jokes and conversations here and there, she even showed you some pictures of her little puppy just to get you nice and comfortable… then you were finally laying on your back on a yoga mat while yujin towered above you, ‘helping’ you with some sit-ups although that wasn’t something that was in your routine before…

ah, yujinnie taking advantage of your exhaustion.. your head seemed to have taken you elsewhere bcs you rlly didn’t notice how she had fit herself in between your legs, her hard cock poking at your clothed cunt, her hands keeping your legs apart without too much pressure so you wouldn’t notice… that was until you blinked and set your eyes on yujin again.. “uhm.. unnie?” oh you were so stupid! really!? that’s all you’ll say about this extremely awkward and frankly, humiliating situation??! yujin couldn’t believe her ears, and her eyes! you didn’t make a single move to scuttle away like she expected you to!

it takes yujin a thrust of her hips for your poor instincts to finally kick in and you attempted to push her off.. only to have your wrists pinned above your head 😣 and before you knew it, your pants have been pulled down and you were taking yujin’s thick cock very painfully slowly.. she doesn’t bother to use her other hand to cover up your mouth, she needed to hear your voice.. hear how you whined and winced in pain but would moan her name at every thrust… and she likes how you got yourself to be free from her hold just to grab at her shirt and claw at her arms.. yk what she liked even more?? how you begged in tears for her to ‘wait’ and ‘slow down’ but didn’t make any attempts to push her away like before.. and ofc yujin doesn’t miss the way you’ve practically wrapped your legs around her waist—you wanted this!

if you ask me she was wayyy too ecstatic to help you with some other kind of workout 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ yujinnie practically manhandles you the entire time you fucked in that room… grabbing your waist tightly to the point she made marks on your skin with her nails then she’d aggressively push you around, making sure you’re in the perfect position to take her cock smoothly… face down, ass up, both of your hands gripping the mat for dear life while she pounds your holes… even making you gag and spit all over her fingers just to massage your clit in a way that makes you bite your lip until it bleeds… everything was painful, but it was also all just too good that you sat there and took it like the good girl yujin kept muttering that you were 😍

yujin’s big on praises for you bcs she always made sure to encourage you in your sessions but she was especially fond of you while she fucked your ass, for some reason! 🥰 so many “good girl”s and “good job”s… her praises only wanted you to be better for her ☹️☹️ so ofc you parted your own ass so she could go all out… literally thrusting into you like she will never fuck anyone ever again, biting your shoulder and drooling all over it like a dog in heat… you have never felt more accomplished in your life until yujin came inside you.. filling you up while you simultaneously squirted on her dick (which she liked very much btw!!) with a sweet moan that will surely be stuck in yujin’s head for daysss to come 😵‍💫

[wild-jackalope]

Don’t speak! I know just what you’re saying, so please stop explaining, don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts!

pairing :: Best friend!Yuji x reader, older brother!Choso x reader (secondary)

warning :: modern au, pining, one-sided love, angst, love triangle, friends to lovers, smut, some dubcon (reader is intoxicated), fem receiving oral, unprotected p in v sex, low-key toxic at times hehe.

note :: everyone thank Gwen Stefani’s song for inspiring this fic 🙏 strap in cos this is long and angsty.

“And who’re you showing off those legs to?” Maki asked, utter judgement filling her gaze as she swept over the outfit you’d chosen.

“You don’t like?” You asked, suddenly embarrassed of the miniskirt you’d decided to try on.

“You look fine, Maki is just judgmental.” Nobara waved her off, offering a supportive thumbs up to you.

“You still didn’t answer me.” Maki continued.

“No one, this is for me.” You huffed, sure of your answer. Despite it not being the entire the truth.

“Choso, Itadori’s older brother.”

“Nobara!” You gaped.

“Seriously?” Maki’s face scrunched, eyeing you with double the previous amount of judgement. “Hasn’t he known you since you were little?”

“Well, yes —but I’m not little anymore. I’m grown.” You gazed at yourself in the change room mirror. “I want him to see that.” From the reflection, you could see Maki give Nobara a sidelong look, one that the short haired girl avoided.

Had you said something foolish? Blood rushed to your cheeks and you slipped back into the change room, closing the curtain in a quick swish. You unzipped the skirt, letting it fall to your feet and pile at the floor.

You were grown. You could see it in your body, in the plumpness around your thighs and in the breasts that were cupped by a bra. You weren’t the little girl clinging to Choso’s leg crying because of a scraped knee anymore. You were older now, you had matured in so many ways and you wanted him to see that. You placed on your clothes and scooped up the miniskirt.

If asked, Nobara would describe your feelings for Choso as a little crush, some fleeting fancy that had come with knowing him for so long. She wouldn’t be entirely wrong, but fleeting was far from correct. Each time his calm, tired eyes softened at the sight of you, your stomach flittered with butterflies. Whenever he greeted you with a tight hug, you went as soft as a melting marshmallow in his embrace and when he complimented you, telling you he was so proud of you everything crumbled, every judgment you had of yourself dissipated into utter nothingness. The feelings you had for him were seeded since you were a toddler and had since grown into a loyal love.

So, you paid for the miniskirt, uncaring of the price.

The next stop in your shopping trip was the food court, the three of you girls needing a rest and refill after depleting your collective energies shopping and discussing whatever relevant drama Nobara spilled.

“Do you need a ride home?” Nobara asked, taking a break from sipping up her boba.

“Choso’s picking me up.” You murmured, a subtle excitement tugging up the corner of your lips.

“Why?” Her brow lifted slyly and she smiled at you.

“My family is away for a little bit, so I’m staying at the Itadori’s for a week until they get back.” It wasn’t uncommon, you’d often been tossed to your next door neighbours like an orphan during childhood. However now, it was a choice from you. You didn’t need to stay at their’s. You were an adult, you could look after yourself. “Yuji wanted me to stay over.” You added. The reason why you said yes being able to spend a whole week with Choso conveniently kept from your mouth.

“What I don’t understand is why you aren’t fawning over him.” Maki stated, stabbing her glossy chicken with her fork, then biting it.

Nobara’s eyes slid over to Maki, wide at her statement. She didn’t speak though, silently sipping at her boba tea.

“Yuji?” You blinked.

“He’s pretty much the same as Choso, isn’t he?” Maki continued, chewing her meal.

You laughed. “Yuji isn’t anything like Cho, they’re completely different.” You shook your head. “Besides, I’ve grown up with Yuji, he’s like my brother.”

Nobara seemed to cringe at the notion, but still she remained silent. Maki too, continued to eat without making another comment towards the two brothers.

It wasn’t until they said their goodbyes to you, that Yuji was brought up again.

You’d left your hug with Nobara, then reached for Maki. As usual, she wrapped her arms around you with her unusual strength that could’ve left you bruised if the embrace wasn’t so brief.

“Say hello to Itadori for us.” She muttered. Now, if it weren’t for the simple action of Nobara elbowing Maki’s side, you would have responded with a chipper ‘sure!’ But as the caramel haired girl eyed Maki with a stiff annoyance, swiftly aiming for her side you suddenly felt left out, like the third wheel of some information they both knew and had not informed you of. Maki simply rolled her eyes at Nobara, uncaring.

“Uhm, okay, sure.” Your smile weakened and you waved at the two.

Behind you, Choso parked the Itadori family car in the pickup section. A car you could recognise anywhere, especially considering it had been fairly scratched up after Yuji’s father had lended it to his brother, Sukuna, who returned the car after three days of God knows what.

You slipped inside, letting the odd interaction with your friends leave you as you left them. You were far too excited to see Choso to let it linger anyway.

As you turned to see the dark haired man, he was already leaning over to bring you into a hug. His masculine scent filled your lungs like cigarette smoke and twice as addictive as nicotine, you wanted more the second he pulled away.

However, as Choso’s let go of you, he reached for your seatbelt, pulling it over you and for a millisecond, his brown eyes lifted from where the seatbelt strapped your body to your own eyes. His face so close, you could practically taste his lips. The gesture utterly melted your insides to hot lava.

“How was shopping?” He asked, returning to the wheel and starting the car.

“So good.” You sighed, still high off his close proximity. Conveniently, the branded shopping bag hiding your new miniskirt sat on your lap. “I got some nice things for myself.” You added.

“Do you need any money?” He asked, eyes floating to you for a moment, before returning to the road. A delightful shiver slipped up your spine at his glance, and you couldn’t help the grin that reached you.

“No, Cho, you know I’ve got my own money to pay for things.” You were grown, after all.

He shrugged, cracking a kind smile. “Alright, I get it. Don’t be afraid to ask, though.”

God, he was so perfect. You wanted nothing more than for him stop the car so you could smother him with hugs and kisses. “You spoil me too much, Cho. What if I asked you for a hundred?”

He shrugged, the simple movement very telling that he would give it to you, without a second thought. “You know I can’t say no to you.”

So so perfect. Maybe if he did stop the car so you could smother him, you’d ride him too, just to make him feel as spoiled as you did. You let the dirty thought linger, probably longer than you should’ve.

“We’re excited to have you over for the week, Yuji actually cleaned his room for you.” He huffed, amused, at the thought.

“Did he?” Why couldn’t you share a bed with him? You were so tired of waking up in the middle of the night halfway off the bed with Yuji’s sprawled limbs all over you— even worse, waking up to Yuji hugging you (borderline snuffing you) with all his weight.

“Mhm, he’s always so excited to see you.” A knowing smile presented itself on Choso’s lips, and you suddenly felt left out of some knowledge again. It left a bad taste in your mouth for the rest of the car ride.

Once home, Choso opened the front door for you and you were met with an unusually empty, quiet home.

“Yuji’s probably in his room, you should say hi to him.” Choso instructed, moving to the nearby kitchen and dropping the car keys on the table.

As familiarly as your own home, you strolled through the corridor. “Yuuuji.” You sung, pushing into his room.

As the door creaked open, you were met with Yuji midway through putting his shirt on. He paused just before it looped over his head, giving you a view of his toned back. Notably, his pants were spotted with a superhero logo and the shirt he had finally let fall over his body was large and baggy.

“Are you seriously getting into your pyjamas already?” You asked, full of judgement.

“It’s five pm!” Yuji retorted. “Also knock, you could’ve seen my dick.”

“Gross, and I could say the same for you.” There had been countless times Yuji had walked in on you changing, he could likely piece together what your naked body looked like with all the occasions he’s seen various clothes off you. The idea barely bothered you. You trusted Yuji after all. Trusted that when he saw you naked, he just saw you, not your body.

Technically, it wasn’t anything he’s not seen before. During the early days of your childhood the two of you would run around butt naked causing all sorts of havoc, chasing one another with water guns during hot summer afternoons or avoiding bath time together annoyingly late. Puberty might’ve changed your body, but it hadn’t changed your thoughts towards Yuji.

However, you wouldn’t be quick to take your clothes off in front of him now. “I’ll get changed too.” You uttered, opening his bedroom door wider.

He groaned, leaving with a heavy walk. “This is my bedroom, y’know.”

“Not this week.” You grinned, shutting the door before he could come up with a snarky retort.

To say Yuji was just a brother to you, or your friend wouldn’t quite do him justice. Best friend didn’t really fit him either. He was all of it, altogether. The guy who’d answer your one AM phone calls when you couldn’t sleep, the guy who knew exactly how to massage the stress out of your shoulders, the guy to hold you when you cried over spilt milk— he was your guy. Your man.

You weren’t completely ignorant to the idea of dating Yuji, so many people had told you you’d make the perfect couple over the years, it was only natural that you’d consider the possibility. The beautiful moments you shared with him over the years seemed to become muddied in your mind whenever you thought of him romantically. Your stomach would flip uncomfortably at the idea of kissing him. The times you held hands innocently darkened as you considered what if we did that as boyfriend and girlfriend? So you placed the thoughts inside a jar, sealed it shut and threw it into the basement of your brain.

After pulling your pyjamas out from your stay over backpack and put them on, you called to Yuji from inside his room. “You can come back in.”

He did so, entering back into his room and flopping onto his bed. You joined him on his bed, letting yourself freely fall on top of him.

“What’s for dinner?” You asked.

He had no reaction, just the small breath that escaped him at the comfortable weight of you. “Choso ordered some pizza.”

“Movie tonight?” You continued, too lazy to formulate a proper question. Yuji would know what you meant, anyway, he always did.

“Are you finally gonna watch Human Earth Worm three with me?” He asked, head lifting to watch your face contort in disgust.

“Fuck that.” He laughed, shifting you on his stomach at his chuckle.

“Please? It’s seriously good, I’m telling you.” He whined, clear grin still on his face.

“I don’t care man, can’t we watch something nice?” You considered Choso, he’d be there right next to you on the couch, watching. “Something romantic?”

“That’s the thing! It is a romance, if you look closely it’s about the love between the monster and the protagonist.”

On second thought, maybe a horror would give you the chance to cuddle up next to Choso (as corny as it was). “Fine, we can watch it. Just stop yapping about it like such a fanboy.” You smacked a hand over his mouth, muffling the laugh that left him.

Just as quickly as you shut him up, you pulled your hand back as his slimy warm tongue swished against your palm.

“Gross Yuji!” You wiped the saliva on his shirt, hitting his shoulder. You raise your hand again in preparation to give Yuji’s chest another clean whack! However your plans are swiftly thwarted when Yuji grabbed your wrist, rolling you over with his body weight until he was above you.

You yelped, laughing as he smothered your body into the now messy sheets. He had you pinned face forward against the bed, legs kept down by his knees and your arms held back by the strength you’d grown to hate due to it giving Yuji a complete monopoly over your body in wrestling. You squirmed roughly, tugging at his grip. The attempt at freedom worsened your situation, as Yuji just laid flat on your back.

“Get off!” You laughed, choking on the oxygen that Yuji’s weight wheezed from your lungs. Harder now, you squirmed; flailing your arms, kicking your legs, rocking your hips.

“Don’t move like that—” Not a joke, you could hear it in his voice. It was a quick plea, that was followed by a harsh suck in of air through his teeth.

And for a split second, that jar you’d thrown into the dark corners of your mind loosened and you wondered what would it be like to have sex with your best friend? He’d be the type of guy who’d like to take you from behind, surely. Before the lid could completely pop off, Choso’s voice echoed from down the hall, an announcement that the pizza had arrived.

In a flash, the pink haired boy gave you one last shove into the bed, pushing himself off in a quick dash to the front door. You scoffed loudly, immediately attempting to catch up to him in a scrambled hurry, abruptly sliding into a wall at your departing balance.

Pizza and a movie was a usual treat in the Itadori home whenever you came to visit, it was probably why Yuji was so keen on having you over when he found out your parents wouldn’t be home (that, and he really hated the idea of leaving you alone in an empty home for an entire week).

With the hot food served, the three of you planted yourselves on the couch, Yuji eagerly recapping the last two movies in the Earthworm franchise before pressing play on the third instalment.

Having only worked up enough courage by the time the movie had reached its halfway mark to enact you nefarious plan to cuddle with Choso, you’d shuffled on the couch, coming close enough to have your thighs connecting.

Delicately, as if you touched him without the grace of a fairy he might not notice you and pull away, you laid your head on Choso’s shoulder. You must’ve succeeded in your sneaky efforts, because Choso didn’t blink, nor tense, instead he lifted an arm and casually wrapped it around you.

Beside you, sour eyes narrowed at the sight.

He knew, oh how he knew. Yuji was slapped in the face with your pining over his brother since he was a toddler. Even at such a young age, he could tell there was something in your eyes— a glimmer of pure affection— when you looked at Choso that simply wasn’t there when you looked at him. He initially hoped thought you would grow out of the crush, but he just watched it grow. He watched you grow into a gorgeous person, watched himself fall further and further in love with you and watched you watch Choso. Not him.

The too-familiar feeling of covetousness bubbled in Yuji’s stomach, bringing forward the storm that was his feelings for you and tormenting him. I’m back Yuji! Gleefully yelled his jealousy. I’m back and oh, I dunno, this time I might just make you tear your brother apart! Why not? Gotta get that girl sometime, you know, can’t keep fucking your hand thinking of her forever!

He could practically hear your heart dance for his brother even over the screaming gore on screen.

He was only tortured by the sight for another half an hour, completely minuscule compared to the years worth of moments like these. Like a blessing, Choso finally lifted himself from the couch to clean up everyone’s plates.

“What’d you do today?” Yuji asked, quick to distract you from the disappointment of Choso leaving.

“I went shopping with Nobara and Maki, they say hi by the way.” You utter, eyes following Choso to the kitchen.

“Did you give her some money?” Yuji asked, raising his voice to reach the man in the kitchen.

“Guys please, I don’t need money I’ve got my own.” You assured. Were they really so generous, or did they just think you were dirt poor?

“That’s what she said to me when I tried.” Choso shrugged, offering a smile to you. “It made me feel like a proud older brother.”

A thick pause filled the room before you truely processed what Choso had said. “For me?” You questioned, jaw falling somewhat slack.

“Mhm, like my little sister is finally able to take care of herself.” He added, rubbing pure salt into your icy wound.

“Oh.” Was all that managed to fall from your lips.

Yuji eyed you carefully, mouth suddenly sewn shut. His stomach filled with a heat that was not entirely unpleasant.

At first, a queazy glow flushed your cheeks, then the feeling of your ka-thunking! heart falling into your ass hit next. Beside you, Yuji watching your transformation into a heartbroken thing right before his carefully observant eyes.

Had you really been so delusional? That wasn’t it. That didn’t fit right. After everything, all the moments shared. After cuddling with him while watching a horror movie, he couldn’t have just seen you as a pathetic little sibling. Had you truely hyped yourself up to be this mature, romanticised woman and Choso only saw you as the little girl that clung to his knee, crying?

Yuji could practically see the thoughts flash over your eyes as you sat in a tranced— stunned silence. His lips parted to save you from being buried too deep within yourself but you beat him to it.

“I’m going to go for a walk.” You uttered, zombielike.

You’d left the house before either boys could offer to go with you, or utter a quick concern as to why you were craving a walk so late in the evening.

Nostalgia. It spilled like water, filling each crevice of your mind. You couldn’t help it, you had already begun reliving each memory with Choso, overthinking, overanalysing.

'Cho look! I drew something' you'd waddle over to him, holding a crinkled piece of paper scribbled with bright neons.

'Oh wow, is this for me?' He asked, a praising hand resting on your head and sliding down your hair.

'Yup!' You beamed. He'd take the paper you offered and held it with such kind care, never folding it and keeping it near his chest. Even now, you could recall the way he always held your childish offerings with such care.

Despite growing up beside Choso, you weren't his little sister. You weren't even apart of his family. Not really.

'Fight me Yuji!' You'd rile up the peach haired boy like he was a dog too much. Pinching and poking him until he'd finally pounce on you, play fighting until someone burst into tears (you, you were always the first to tap out with teary eyes). 'Ow Yuji! That hurt!'

And he'd be there, a hand resting on your head and swiping the frizzed hair from your puffy, wet face. 'I know it hurts, are you okay?'

Christ. He was ten years older than you, there was no way you were even on his radar! It didn't matter your body had bloomed, you really were still the little girl clinging to his knee, crying. Weren't you? You were, you were finally sure, now.

As you inhaled the fresh night, a subtle scent of rain in the air, you consider what to do with the loving feeling that had seeded its roots into you over two decades. You couldn't find an answer, until the love appeared behind you.

A large coat weighed over your shoulders, planted by Choso who now walked beside you. "You'll get a cold being out here in your pyjamas."

His little hints of affection had become recontextualized in your mind, now instead of thinking he had some buried fancy for you, you could see yourself in his eyes, someone young and needing care. Rocks piled in your stomach and weakly, you thanked him. Even the soft gaze he held you in differed. It was some kind of nostalgia that creased his eyes kindly, a memory of you at a younger age playing behind his eyelids, maybe.

The rocks now piled up to your heart, burying it between pointy— jagged stones. Each silent step the two of you took thickened the awkward sorrow looming over you, until finally, Choso spoke.

"Yuji's been so excited to have you over, you know, he really likes you." He couldn't have picked a worse time to take up the role of matchmaker for the two of you. The implication hadn't seemed to reach you.

“I like you.” You finally freed the words, the piling stones now reaching your throat. It took a confused beat until Choso cleared his throat with a light chuckle and responded.

“I like you, too.” His hand came to rest atop your head, giving you a kind stroke, like he always did, before returning it to his pocket.

But you don’t. The words threatened to spill from your quivering lip. Not like I do.

"Let's head inside." Your short walk had taken you around a loop, now you stood outside the house but you weren't ready to be embraced by the homely warmth yet, you needed to think more.

"I'll be there in a sec." You kindly evaded his attempt to bring you back inside. His warm expression seemed to falter with confusion, but ultimately, he let you go, walking inside without you.

You exhaled, taking a wobbly seat above the road gutter. Little sister. The words haunted you. I like you, but no, I'm not attracted to you, I could never be! You're my little sis after all! Another exasperated sigh left you. Even your faulty confession couldn't lift the weight compressing your chest. You couldn't wait to rip off your bra, although you doubted it would elevate the internal ache.

The rejection wouldn't have been so crushing if you weren't so into him, which anyone could've assumed, but really, you were into him. Your type in men was basically shaped around Choso, having pined for him from such a young age.

Despite attempting to date during high school and the years following, you just couldn't. No man could ever really pull you from your crush, so you were never in relationships long.

But what now? You had the confirmation you'd never be with him, should you date again? Move on with a quick rebound? Go to the club and try hooking up? God you wish you could cry and just hurry up with the grieving process but you were too numb to be misty.

Taking you from the hurricane of your thoughts, steps crunched behind you, but still, you weren't done thinking just yet.

"It's okay, Cho, I'll come back inside in a moment I just—" But it was Yuji standing in the silhouette you thought belonged to Choso. "Oh, sorry." You muttered.

He joined you, sitting atop the gutter. “What happened?” He asked.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.” You sighed, face falling into the palms of your hand.

“I’m glad.” You could hardly see ‘glad’ on his face, it was stone, unwavering.

“What?” What exactly was he glad of?

"You finally know how he feels about you."

"Yuji—" Utter mortification. If you'd considered the idea of Yuji knowing about your little crush for a moment longer, you'd likely think huh, I guess he would've known this whole time. He's my best friend after all. But you didn’t have time to think about it, flushing hot blood to your cheeks.

“—Now you can get over this stupid obsession with him.”

Now, finally, the tears could start to form. Yuji's cruelty broke the dam that was your numbness. You stood, him tensing over your quick movement. “Stupid ob—? ugh! You—” A reasonable sentence caught in your throat and you were only able to wave an angry finger at him. Did he really see your feelings that way? Thought that Choso liking you back was such an absurdity? That it was an obsession? You suddenly wondered, if Choso came face to face with your love for him, would he think it was stupid, too?

Yuji swallowed, silently sticking by his rude statement.

“I wouldn’t love him—someone if I didn’t think I could be loved back.” Your voice crumbled. The slight crack tugged painfully at Yuji’s heart and despite the regret that washed over his mind like a cold tsunami, he wasn’t able to utter an apology.

Before the tears burning your eyes could spill, you turned on your heel and began walking inside his home. “Wait—”

“Just let me be, Yuji.”

He’d only left you alone for about an hour.

You'd decided to hide away in his room, after all.

Creaking his door open, Yuji's head peaked through the crack. His eyes fell on you cradling a pillow on his bed, your back to him. Guilt clawed at his gut to know he was the reason you were so upset (truthfully he wasn't, but he sure as hell pushed you over the edge).

Maybe, maybe if he finally told you how he felt about you, you'd understand why he acted so cruelly. What Yuji had conveniently forgotten to consider was the sheer amount of emotions that had currently resided inside you. Another confession? Well, you might just die of a heart attack!

“We should talk—”

“I don’t want to talk, ass.” You picked up the pillow slightly wet with tears and tossed it at him. You weren’t furious with him at least, that was a good sign.

“Look, the thing is, I—”

“No! Get out Yuji—”

“But! Just wait, I have something I need to say.”

"Don't speak!" you held your hands over your ears, kicking another stray pillow at him.

He held his hands up, surrendering himself and his voice to your demands but quickly, he peeped. "Can I at least sleep?"

"Fine." You shuffled across the bed, burying yourself into your usual side and flicking the covers over your head.

With the careful ease of a predator stalking its prey through the long grass, you felt Yuji's hands and knees crater into the bed as he slowly approached his rightful spot beside you. The warmth you developed under the sheet blew away as he lifted them, fitting under the covers with you.

He shifted, finding a comfortable spot on his back staring up at the ceiling. Five minutes went by and the skin on his palms began to itch, the muscles on the back of his neck tightened.

He shifted again, an attempt to reach real comfort. After five minutes of staring at a wall his mouth went dry and his toes curled in irritation.

Again, he shifted, this time, turning to face the back of your head. You let an annoyed puff free whilst his movement crinkled the sheets loudly, one he didn't seem to hear. Five minutes passed and he remained still, but his palms itched, his neck remained tight, his mouth was still dry and his feet were beginning to cramp.

You remained in a tense, motionless lay, eyes unknowingly shut tightly, begging sleep to take you far, far away from your body.

The covers softly crinkled again, but Yuji hadn't moved. You realised the sound was his arm moving as he pressed a light hand to your back, a silent ask. Will we cuddle tonight, or are you still mad? The question soon turned into a bribe as his palm pressed into the stressed muscles in your back.

You allowed him to work his apology into your skin, thumb tracing the muscles beneath your shoulder blades back and forth, creating a relieving rhythmic pattern. I'm sorry.

He continued grinding his palms against the soft tendons of your back. I'm sorry I was such a dick.

Sliding lower, he pressed into the thin muscles of your lower back. It's because I'm in love with you.

But when his hand began to lose motivation and slip from you at your unforgiveness, you sighed, reaching to pull his hand over you. You forgave him, kinda. He grasped your tummy, pulling you into his chest and his glowing warmth.

Friends cuddle all the time, okay? It's pretty normal. Thank you very much.

You could feel his breath pat the side of your neck and his hand occasionally twitch whilst holding you. It was normal, Yuji's always had a slight twitch in his fingers whenever you felt him hold you.

“If you had a boyfriend, would we still do this?” His low words rumbled from his chest into your tender back.

"I thought you agreed to no talking." You responded.

"Sorry." A deafening silence followed his swift apology that basically begged you to answer his question.

"If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't need this."

Again, his hand twitched.

"And if you had a girlfriend, you wouldn't need it either." It was true, and fair. Friends who cuddle only do it because they need a substitute partner, right? "G'night, Yuji."

"Night."

You weren't sure you had fallen completely asleep by the time you awoke, because when you checked your phone, you were face with the time being eleven PM. Fuck, you'd really had an early night. No wonder you hadn't slept long. Your throat ached to be soothed with cold water, prompting you to get up and poor yourself a glass.

You left the warmth of Yuji's arms, immediately regretting your decision to quench your midnight thirst. Lazily, you searched the floor for Yuji's red hoodie and placed it on.

The kitchen light illuminated your pathway to the tap and you wondered if Choso had accidentally left it on before going to bed, but you were greeted with him when you entered the kitchen.

"Oh, hey." Your voice came out in a groggy crack.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked.

"Just thirsty."

Choso eyed you, a gentle smile pulling at his lips. You looked so cute drowning in his brother’s jumper, it warmed his heart and cheeks. “Good to see you and Yuji finally got together.”

The excitement in his words stabbed at your chest and you could feel yourself plummet into sadness again.

“I was starting to worry that you two had a fight.”

“You’re wrong.” You attempted to state the words with a strong intent, however a quiver ripped the will from you. “I don't like him, Choso.” Your burning eyes threatened your already raw cheeks. “It’s you.” You hiccuped. “Please don't think I love someone else.”

In a swift rush, Choso had reached you, bending to catch your eyes. His hands hugged your arms gently. “I’m sorry.” He murmured, softly mumbling your name. "I'm so sorry I didn't know—"

He wiped away the salty drops that pooled in the corner of your eyes, his upturned expression guiltily taking in your devastated shake.

“It’s you, I love you.” You uttered again, chanting the statement that hung around your heart.

He pulled you into his chest, cradling your head in a solid embrace that lasted until your shaky breaths subsided. You pulled away from him, noticeable tear stains watering his clothes.

He took a deep, regretful inhale and you knew the words he was going to utter. “I've always thought of you as—"

“I know. It’s so obvious.” You stated in a huff, almost laughing at yourself for having thought otherwise.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured.

“Choso,” you finally looked into his eyes, finding a sorrow lacing his dark browns, but still, his gaze was so soft, affectionately taking you in. It made your heart clench. “Does me telling you I love you, make you happy? Even a little bit?”

A beat rung out as he considered your question. “It does. Thank you.”

“Choso, will you kiss me, please?” His brows furrowed further and his lips parted to utter a polite no, but you begged again. “Please. Just so I know what it feels like.”

And Lord knows he couldn’t say no to you.

Both his large hands came to cup around your cheeks, his thumbs lightly pressing into the sides of your mouth. He dipped his head down as he angled your jaw. His lips were just as soft as you imagined they'd be and the way he kissed you with such sweet sensitivity was heavenly. Your heart stung with the melancholy of it all.

He broke away, lidded eyes solemnly staring at your tear bleached cheeks. His expression filled with utter guilt, completely ashamed he was the one making you feel this way. He pressed another, deeper kiss to your lips. As if begging that his lips would heal you, despite knowing deep down they’d likely make you yearn for him more.

The pity became too much to bear, so you let yourself fall away from his kiss. A sweet smack sounding at your lips separating.

His hands lingered until you began to speak. "Thank you, Choso, I..." You had nothing else to say.

"You should head back to bed, I'll... see you tomorrow."

He left you with those weak words filled with regret. You could practically feel the sickly feeling in his stomach as he walked to his room, metaphorical tail between his legs and head hanging low in shame.

What would did it feel like to kiss you? His little sister? Expect you weren't his little sister, you weren't apart of his family and most importantly; You were grown. You could go and do whatever the hell you wanted. So you did. To the only place that would accept a broken hearted girl with a fierce desire to get drunk. You were going put that damn miniskirt to use.

Yuji somewhat realised you were absent from his bed when he heard the front door of his house shut. You went to the bathroom, probably. Although, the longer he waited, the more he thought about it and laid there without your weight, the less asleep he really was.

When an hour passed and you still weren't back in his arms, he finally sat up and checked the time. Midnight. He first wandered the house in search of you, checking the bathroom, kitchen, lounge. You weren't there.

His heart hadn't dropped as much as you would expect it had, it merely ached because in truth, Yuji had a feeling he knew where you had gone. Checking your phone's location only confirmed his theory.

However that guilty ache developed into an aggravated disappointment during the drive to you.

His expression was scrunched with frustration by the time he reached the club, having spent $15 dollars just to enter and find you. He pushed past wobbly, half naked bodies, searching for your hair, your skin, hell he even tried to smell you over the stench of artificial smoke and spilled fireballs.

He found you tucked away in a corner, surrounded by smoothly dancing drunks, you fit perfectly into the moving crowd, having the alcohol serging your veins lull you into a swooning dance. Despite easily falling into the sea of people, to Yuji you were outstanding.

The peach haired boy became keenly aware of you in your perfectly blissful state; the flickering neons shining against your glistening skin, the way your lashes fluttered at the brightness and how your lips remained parted, puffing hot air and occasionally sipping at the almost empty glass in your hand. Wide eyed, Yuji soaked the image into the deepest part of his mind, remaining unblinking until his eyes began to burn with smoke.

Yuji had gone completely stiff against the grinding bodies and despite your inebriated condition, you had turned towards the intense aura piercing you. As though the moment passed in slow motion, the two of your eyes locked past the haze and lights. You had come to a halt, hand going weak around the glass of alcohol.

Unaware of their space, another body bumped into you, sending you stumbling forward and into another group of people who rejected to support you. You’d gone dizzy now, reaching the peak of blackout and it sent waves of disorientation over your eyes.

Now by your side, Yuji had taken you into him, holding you with a firm almost too-tight grip. His fingers cratered into the skimpy outfit you threw together before leaving, grabbing at your plush waist. You sighed against his steady, hard person. Your hand was empty now, no longer clutching your drink but being rested over his shoulder.

“Let’s go, cmon.” And despite the room thudding with music you heard his words with a calm clarity.

You came to outside the club, cool air kissing your bare legs and face. Your arms, however, were protected by a large red hoodie. You closed your eyes at the sudden vertigo, unable to remember how exactly you’d left the dance floor.

“Did you take something in there?” Yuji asked, you turned to see him sitting beside you, a wide eyed serious stare drowning his beautiful features.

You were mad at him, you quickly remembered. “No.” You brooded, leaning away from him and averting your eyes.

He sighed, relieved to see some emotion seep through your glossy eyed, dazed drunkenness. “Why are you here? And by yourself, Jesus, do you know how stupid—”

“Why are you here.” You returned, slurred venom drooling your tone.

“To make sure you’re safe, and bring you home.” He squeezed your shoulders and you realised he'd had his arms around you the entire time.

Hotness pooled around your eyelids and you slowly blinked away the wetness. “I wan’ to keep dancing.” You tried to shoulder his arms off you, failing miserably when he held you tighter.

“Just tell me what’s wrong.” He pleaded, searching for your eyes.

“I don’ wanna talk about it.” You murmured, the searing tears now falling from your eyes and to the concrete floor you stared at.

Yuji exhaled quickly, the sight of your glistening tears sucking the air from his lungs. “I’m sorry for what I said, okay? It was rude.”

“’s not that, Yuji.” You gave into his hold, letting him pull you into his warmth and smell. “He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t even see me that way. I was so stupid.”

His heart ached to see your wet, bruised eyes, the raccoon ringlets of mascara, the smear of lipstick.

“Am I ugly? Why doesn’t he like me?” The way you looked at him, your eyes wounded, pleading, inarticulate, it made his heart lurch.

He hugged you, so tightly that the bones in your back groaned.

"Stop it Yuji," You sobbed, weak hand swatting his back. He continued to hold you. "You're makin' me feel worse." You hiccuped violently, chest surging and pulling.

"Don't think about him, it's not worth it, he's not worth it. He's— Fuck." He was trying to find a tone, an adult rhythm of speech, and failing. Your shivering and sobbing had regressed him.

“Just—Jus' take me home, Yu.”

And he did, but not to his home, to yours. Empty, with nobody but the two of you.

You remember slipping, but not making any contact with the hard floor. Yuji had held you close, his arm basically attached to you, being the pillar of your nonexistent balance.

You were now in the bathroom, bright lights yelling at your hazy eyes.

“You should shower, sober up.” Yuji hoisted you up by your hips and placed you on the bathroom sink, giving his side a much needed break from supporting you.

“No.” You leaned back, lazy eyes gazing up at the ceiling.

“C’mon, please stop being like this.”

“Help me then.” You threw him a bone, letting into his ask of you.

He exhaled, relieved. “Okay, fine.” Delicately his fingers pinched your skin tight shirt, hesitating to lift. You raised your arms lazily, giving him the consent he was looking for. The shirt slowly rose over your hips, tummy then chest. Yuji let it fall to the corner of the bathroom. His eyes avoided your boobs, like he would be cursed if he copped a look. Instead he intensely glared at your face.

“S’okay, you can look.” You murmured. Yuji shook his head in disagreement, but his eyes betrayed him, glancing at your cupped tits. You huffed a laugh at his weak will. Truthfully you enjoyed the attention. You hated that you enjoyed it.

“Sorry.” He took a step back and breathed. “Look, for what it’s worth, I think you looked pretty. The skirt is cute.” You hadn’t known you craved that compliment until it filled your aching heart with flushing blood.

“Jus’ take it off.” You slurred. He did so slowly, shaken hands unbuttoning then unzipping the skirt, slipping the short garment off with ease. This time, he didn’t even hide his gaze as he stared at your underwear. He swallowed, jaw tensing.

“Can you take the rest off?” He asked, a little desperately.

“No.” You droned.

“Then I guess you’re showering in your underwear.” He finished, freeing himself from responsibility. You groaned.

He gazed at your lidded eyes intensely, trying to gauge your soberness, were you just playing with him? Were you really that drunk? You hated the silence, you wanted more from him.

“So do you like me or what?” You prodded his heart. You knew the answer. You supposed you always knew. You just never wanted to hear it until now.

“Yes. I do.” He swallowed thickly. It made him nervous when he could feel his heart beating in his ears, and wrists, as well as in his chest.

“Don’t believe you.” You muttered, swatting his arm pathetically. It was a dangerous game you were playing, insinuating you couldn’t dare to imagine someone— anyone— him— having feelings for you.

"Believe it." He warned, playfulness evading his intention.

"No." More, you wanted to tease more out of him like a comb knotting straight hair.

His hands grasped at your nude sides and he kissed you. Harsh and desperate, he was proving a point. Through your fluttering eyes you could see his were screwed shut in angered focus. He was making out with your mouth, licking up the remnants of alcohol on your tongue and teeth. Compared to his brother, Yuji was sure and feverent. He wanted you, so desperately.

He seemed like the one with the stupid obsession now.

"Shower."

You allowed his order, adding your own. “Stay. I might fall.”

Stepping into the hot water substantially dinted your drunkenness, bringing a hot clarity to your mind. The running water falling down your skull was a constant tapping reminder that this was happening, or it was going to happen.

You could see Yuji's form through the fogged glass, his back turned from the shower. You wondered briefly, was it out of respect for your naked body that he turned away from you, or maybe, was it for his own sanity?

The steamed water cleaned your face of ruined makeup and the sticky club residue. Your ears still held a slight ring, amplified by the silence surrounding the tapping of water.

When you stepped out Yuji was there to wrap you up in the towel with a turned head. Useless, really. You thought. It'll be gone soon.

In a slow walk, he accompanied you to your bedroom, a silent knowing thickening the air between you. Darkness ate up your view up him, but you could feel the tension permeate off of his body.

“Y’gonna fuck me, Yu?” You asked, staring up at him with dazed eyes.

“Yeah, I am.” His words were hugged by a breathlessness. A shortness of breath that hadn’t stemmed from his lungs, but from his heart.

You both needed it. You needed to be desired, to be wanted, to be loved and Yuji needed to finally take you, feel you, show you how much he loved you.

Again his hands found you, the first points of contact on your still wet body. Next, his lips, hunting your pulse until he reached your mouth. With his unseemly strength supporting you, he dipped you into the bed, his weight following you, pushing you further into the mattress.

You could feel is thick, strong hands on you, feeling, exploring, pulling with helpless desire but no real strength. Multitasking between your lips and feeling for the hem of the towel, unwrapping it from your body.

He stayed for a moment, bringing space between you, staring at you as if he'd never seen you before. Your breasts heaved rapidly. Your face, all flushed and blazed with lust.

"I'm gonna make you feel good." He said, struggling not to pant as he spoke. That would not sound good. That would sound weak, unsure.

Your heart was not breaking anymore. It seemed rather to broil in your chest, melt. You were afraid the heat from your heart might soon destroy your sanity in fire.

And he was so gentle, not tugging or pulling but caressing you with a consideration that was almost prissy. Fingers rolling down your damp tummy, hesitating just before your hip bone.

You spread your legs, inviting him to your aching middle. The offer knocked the air from his lungs and he knew only your taste could allow him to breathe again.

Like you were his salvation, Yuji kneeled at the end of your bed, his face pressed up against your longing, breathing in your scent. His hot exhales patted your sex, dragging you into a moment of utter desire and need.

His breath came closer, until the thick humidity closed and he pressed a wet kiss to your clit. The melodic sigh of ease lifting from your mouth tugged on Yuji's already stiff dick, making him suddenly aware of his own arousal. That was for later, for now, he was starving.

He pressed another moving kiss to your bundle of nerves, adding a smooth swipe of his tongue. Another symphony played from you and he drowned himself in your cunt, playing with you like an instrument. His wet, sucking pampering your leaking sex.

The intensity ripped a twitch from your hips but Yuji caught your thighs before you could jut away.

You leaked such a bitter sweetness, it was too perfect. Food would never taste the same now that he'd had you in his mouth. Live, squirming and moaning so beautifully. When your hand came up to rake though his messy hair, he fell deeper into your cunt.

His make-out with your sex had fallen into the perfect rhythm, sending clean jolts of pleasure throughout your body, you hadn't needed to concentrate or hold your breath to be forced up the hill of your orgasm, Yuji was walking you up with utter ease.

His tongue only occasionally dipped to your chasm to drink up the slick leaking from you, but as he dipped past a single ring of your insides, a selfish desire to feel more arose.

He shifted and you felt a warm pressure circle your chasm. Your cunt was already sucking in the two thick fingers he offered you. He slipped in further, sliding along your tickling nerves, massaging you closer and closer to a release.

The tips of his fingers curled into you, working in perfect time with his mouth until you tensed in preparation around him. Another slight suck and roll over your clit had you cumming on his fingers.

You cursed loudly, a lovingly weak moan of his name leaving you.

The way your walls fluttered around his fingers had his dick jutting painfully in his pants. Now he could finally fuck you.

His weight returned over you, coming back to his rightful place above your naked body. He shed two layers, his jumper and the shirt underneath it. Not because he was feeling hot or sweaty, but because he wanted you to see his tight body and throb. Force into you a sexual attraction and utterly crush your notions of friendship.

It might've been the way he made you cum on his tongue, or the way he took your wrist and made you slide a shaky hand over his abs and chest, maybe it was the way his eyes drooled obsession when he looked at you—perhaps it was a lusted blend of everything— but you could feel the sickening flutter of love butterflies develop in your stomach.

His hand next arrived at the rim of his pants, freeing his erection from the tight confines of his pants. You hardly shied from the sight.

Nothing you haven't seen before, right? Well, the way his blood fat length leaked beads of precum that belonged inside you from his flushed, burning tip was certainly a sight you'd never seen before. He let your eyes linger. It was all for you, all because of you.

He only spared a glance to line himself against your cunt, he cared more to see the way your face would twist to be filled by him.

"Yu— oh fffuck." You weren't sure what kind of rejection would've left your mouth before you felt Yuji enter you, but you were glad it never reached your lips.

Sliding into you was like sliding into some exquisite oil. The white that flashed over his eyes at the sheer— everything— of you blurred his vision for brief moment. He blinked it away quickly, needing to see the way you threw your head back in pleasure.

His size filled you perfectly, reaching each sensitive crevice inside your mushy tunnel, you only wanted more. Yuji sat inside you for a beat, needing a break from the feeling of you sliding around him. He wasn't sure if it was his or your heart he could feel thumping between his legs. The break was short-lived when you began moving your hips in pleading.

He moved with you, using you, but letting you use him as well. The only sounds were the wet sonances of your sex and breathing; his heavy and horse, yours quick and light.

You wondered, if Choso could see you being fucked soft by his brother, would he still say 'good to see you an Yuji got together'? as if Yuji could sense your thoughts by the way your cunt fluttered around him, his fingers dug craters into your side and he spoke.

“You— shit— you thinkin’ about him?” He asked in a thin carping voice, sneering into your neck.

Your lips stayed zipped, unable to lie nor tell the truth.

“He couldn’t— hng— fucken' love you like this.” To stress his statement, Yuji rolled his hip deep into you, pressing a bruising kiss to your cervix. Your hands smacked over his shoulders, clawing his back.

"I know— oh fuck! Yu." Despair in your words, but Yuji worked to fuck it out of you, suckling hickies to your neck.

"I told you I'd make you—hahh— feel good. You feel good, baby?" He wasn't sure where the pet name came from but the moment it rolled off his tongue he knew he'd never use your name again.

His words regressed you into a submissive, panting mess. "Mhm, hngh! yes, Yu." You didn't mean to sound so ravaged and pleased, but your tone made Yuji's eager dick expand more inside you, becoming girthier with blood.

His rhythm finally dissolved into an excited bucking and from it Yuji drunk up your little gasps like a starved man. "You know I love you, yeah? My girl."

You could only nod, unable to even babble a response.

"Say it, hng— say you love me back."

"L-Love you, Yu."

And oh God, your words go straight to his cock, hurling him into a driven frenzy of mushing thrusts that glide right over your g-spot.

He can feel your cunt tighten in preparation, drawing a guttural moan from his stomach. He knew you were going to cum. It was like knowing him all these years had let him memorise your body, inside and out.

"Let me hear it, baby." He cooed softly.

Like an enraptured fizzing firework, your orgasm rolled over you. It bubbled loaded moans up your throat. You cunt fluttered around him, sucking him up, begging him to fill you with his cum. You jump at his sharp canines sinking down into the flushed skin of your neck and he shivered when he feels your nails dig into the sides of his neck.

He couldn't hold himself back anymore, barrelling over the edge as you clamped around him. His cock punctured your cervix in three strong half-way thrusts, leaving kisses of cum across your insides.

You both fucked your fleeting orgasms out on each other, you with rolling hips and Yuji with messy, unfocused thrusts that prodded against your walls mercilessly.

Even when you both came to a panting halt, Yuji still twitched hard and thick inside you.

"You're mine, now." He couldn't even conceal his absent breath. "You're my girl, yeah? M'gonna love you like this forever."

Aside from the proof in the territorial marks decorating your skin, or your gummy cunt being soaked from his cum, you already knew in your heart you were his.

But as his hips drew out in a slide you assumed would mean his exit, then pushed back in, making a circle of frothy cum and slick form around his cock you knew you weren't going to make it out alive without those words tattooed on your tongue.

[olderthannetfic]

I accidentally killed my own desire to write, and I need some advice. To be really blunt about it, what's the point of writing? When I would spend lots of time laboring over making a good story with a plot and characters who were in-character and connecting all the dots narratively so payoffs were satisfying, my reward was dead silence and virtually no clicks. I posted some mindless smut to my side account one day and got more hits in a day than most of my other works combined got in a year. I know, I know. "Write for ~*~yourself~*~" is the common response. It's the "be yourself!" of writing. It's supposed to be a magical phrase that'll make everything okay. But... I don't like knowing that something I spend months working on won't be read by anyone while something I write in a car while bored got thousands of clicks. I don't like making something I'm proud of and then no one ever looks at it. That's not fun for me. It's not fulfilling.

For a solid decade, I've tried to ignore how the level of interactivity in fandom is falling. Fewer comments. Fewer kudos. No comments in the bookmarks. You put your tumblr and Discord in the AN and get a handful of asks and one person who adds you, talks to you twice and then ghosts you. Most of the comments are "well, actuallys", made even more annoying by them being wrong as opposed to actually correcting an error. I avoid fandom drama, wank, and infighting. I don't engage with things I know will make me unhappy. I try to be happy over in my own little corner. I comment on every single work I read. I want people to enjoy fandom. I used to.

Some dumb smut I wrote in 40 minutes gets five times the hits of the writing I'm most proud of, and it gets it in just under three months. I am not a great smut writer. I haven't stumbled onto an incredible talent I had that makes it so the issue is that I'm so amazing my smut brings all the boys to the yard. People just don't like what I write and put effort into. It's very likely that despite 20 years of writing fic, I suck at writing. And people enjoy my writing most when they don't have to put up with anything substantial and can just skip to the sex.

So for the last eight months, when I write, I just sort of give up. Close the Word doc without saving. No one will read this. No one cares about this. There is no fan eagerly awaiting every update like I await updates from my favorite authors. There's not even someone saying, "update soon!" Close the Word doc. Delete old WIPs. There's no point. I do not tell stories worth reading. I used to. In the FFN days people genuinely enjoyed my work. I'd never have had an opportunity to do the 'I won't update until I get 3 reviews' thing because getting that many on a chapter was usually something I'd do overnight. Post before bed. Wake up. Read the reviews before school. I peaked in high school, I guess.

And now I'm just sort of lost. I still have lots of ideas. Ideas for fics fall into my head all the time. That's never been a problem. What I don't have is any motivation to write them. What's the point of writing? If no one else is reading, I guess the point would be so I could go back and read my own story and have fun with it. Write for myself. But I can review the story and have fun with it in my head without writing it down. It's substantially faster and more importantly, isn't incredibly depressing.

So, at the risk of definitely being calld the second-coming of True Art Anon or a troll or validation-seeking or haha mentally ill haha... what's the point of writing?

--

Okay, so write porn in a car while you're bored.

Look, you can whine all you want about my response, but what you've written here is blatantly about depression.

Lots of people in fandom are still interacting. And no, it isn't just on fics that are objectively written to some pro fiction standard or whatever. Teenagers still breathlessly review poorly spelled cracky masterpieces about this year's big anime and so forth.

Yes, there may be reasons why you in particular are in a slump when it comes to fandom friendships or "plz update" comments. We can talk about that. But this ask is all gloom about fandom in general. That's not realism: that's you having a problem.

--

As for why a person should write: because the actual hours you spend doing the writing are fun.

If they aren't pleasurable in some way, find another hobby.

--

But if you want an answer to the age old "Why did my 5 minute fic get 1000000x more asspats", I've seen meta about this for literally decades.

The most likely reason is that the fic we write quickly and without much thought often feels fresher and more fun. The things we labor over endlessly can feel overworked. Even in cases where they don't, they're often heavier subject matter or more niche subject matter. On top of all that, we just care more, so even a high level of feedback doesn't really feel like enough for the effort and care we put in.

--

Do you really need me to tell you why you don't feel the same as in high school when things were fresh and new?

Go read up on combatting burnout or dealing with post-college anxiety or managing stress in a dead-end job in your 30s or finding meaning in your 40s or whatever is going on.

Everyone goes through fallow periods in fandom and in life.

Feeling reinvigorated has to do with internal factors and some general life circumstance stuff. It doesn't have that much to do with number of kudos. That's just the surface trigger for a mood that was already there.

[genericpuff]

I've watched both (this is a hazbin hotel ask btw) but tend to keep my eyes closed to merch sales (and such forth) unless it can pierce my five degrees of separation

also gotta admit that I've been not keeping up with HB since... honestly the since the season end. yeah I'm behind.

What do you mean they're waiting for what's functionally pamphlets? It's taking MONTHS for a pamphlet?

That's funny in the bad way 😭

yeah so from MY UNDERSTANDING (i.e. correct me if I'm wrong) the playbill was part of some exclusive package deal where buyers would receive some keychains, trading cards, and a playbill which was supposedly going to be filled with exclusive interviews/quotes/background information/etc. about the show's production. That playbill was exclusive to the pre-orders, meaning if you didn't pre-order this merch package, presumably you could still purchase the merch package on its own (or possibly its parts separately on the merch site like the keychains n junk) but the playbill would ONLY be sent to those who pre-ordered.

The pre-orders started around a year or so ago, but then roughly 9 months ago when the bundles started to show up, people reported that the playbill - literally the centerpiece of the marketing - was missing.

Since then, the playbills still haven't arrived, but customers have gotten TWO separate emails written from the "characters" of Hazbin Hotel updating them on the situation. Yes, you read that right, the emails meant to update people on the part of their pre-order package that was still missing - a package that cost them $76 and again, the playbill was exclusive to - were written in-character like a roleplay post in a message board forum.

And for some reason, the A24 staff decided that Husk would be the best character to deliver the bad news, a character who is, like many characters in Hazbin, just an asshole.

It's wild that this even got approved as an official email from the A24 team because let's face it - if you had spent $76 with the good faith expectation that you were gonna get everything you were promised in return for that $76 is this really the response you'd want to get? I'm not exactly sure when this email was sent out but according to some of the people reporting on it via Twitter, it was around the end of January (so the end of the month that folks were expecting it to roll in). Not a great way to tell people that the product they're waiting on - and didn't expect to be missing in the first place - was delayed.

Months later, a second email rolled out, and A24 sort of learned their lesson, not by actually addressing their customers as human beings, but this time as Charlie, who is at least not a complete dickhead.

It still doesn't really answer any questions though because it's putting the responsibility on fictional characters to explain what's going on. So of course everything is masked behind the "teehee, Alastor did a naughty and Niffty got stuck in the printing press machine!" roleplaying talk which literally does not actually tell anyone what's really going on, just gives them a vague impression based on what they chose to make a fictional character say.

Sure, it's nicer than Husk, but it's still disingenuous and frankly just cringe esp when this is concerning the interests of paying customers.

I don't know if this is Vivzie's doing or someone else on the A24 team, but it really feels like they're trying to operate the same way HH would have operated back when it was just a Youtube series... but it's not a small-time Youtube production anymore, it's a full on Amazon show with hired employees and a customer base that expects the thing they paid for to actually show up. So at best this is just really immature mishandling of a situation that should be taken at least relatively seriously.

And really, out of all the things to delay... the playbills? Really? For anyone who's not familiar with what a playbill is, it's literally just a booklet. Professional, "Playbill" branded playbills that you see in legitimate theatre productions are (if I recall correctly) anywhere from 30-60 pages, but a lot of those pages are often dedicated to ad space of other productions and companies, with maybe only 10-15 pages dedicated to the actual production. People love collecting them though because you typically only receive them when you go to see a play itself, so it can be a great souvenir from limited run productions.

It's kinda like comic collecting for theatre-goers, they can serve as memorabilia or as "proof" that you were there to attend a specific show. Though playbills don't tend to accrue as much value as much as comics can, they can still have a lot of sentimental value.

Hazbin Hotel isn't a play though. It's a streaming show available on Amazon Prime that anyone can watch anywhere in the world. It doesn't exactly have the need for something like a playbill, because the exclusivity is simply tied to how much extra money you're willing to give them for the pre-order, not to any sort of unique in-person experience of going to the theatre and watching the show live with your own eyes.

Granted, Hazbin Hotel does obviously take heavy inspiration from theatre culture as it is itself a musical, so I can understand the novelty and appeal of creating a unique playbill for it. I just don't really understand why that's the item that got delayed when a booklet containing exclusive info should be one of the easiest things to make, especially when it comes to production costs (printing a bunch of playbills shouldn't be anywhere near as expensive as producing keychains and trading cards).

But there was an update on reddit about this a couple weeks ago and it seemingly contradicts what A24 - sorry, 'Charlie', sigh - said months ago that they were working hard on specifically printing and packaging the playbill orders-

FINALLY the HH fandom gets a real human being from A24 responding, but they're saying that the designs are still being worked on??? So this means they haven't even started printing the things yet?? So that's an entirely DIFFERENT issue that hasn't been addressed up until this point.

So yeah, again, I don't have any stakes in this and it's definitely not something that I'm like, putting a lot of emotional investment into, but it has still been fascinating to check in on every now and then. Big condolences to the HH fans who paid $76+ for this package and are still waiting for the MAIN CENTERPIECE to show up - if you're one of those fans and are now reading this, you're probably gonna be waiting a little while longer because apparently they haven't even designed them yet 💀😆

[jingledbells]

i feel like a lot of the people who're saying 'stan would treat him better' are not really understanding a lot of his character. i literally saw someone describe him as 'really sweet' and 'a gentleman' and I'm like. no???? first off I just don't think he would be in a romantic relationship during this time period, he's really traumatized and emotionally damaged at this point but he doesn't really. have a lot of space to really think about his situation or reflect because he has to keep up and stand in as ford while he works to get him back and in general its just. a lot yk. another thing is that he's canonically really terrible with romantic relationships in general. there's something in particular about the thing he had with lazy Susan and the sort of. internalized amatonormativity surrounding that, about how he liked the idea of being in a relationship but. didn’t actually want to. but a lot of his canon relationships aren’t really the best/end well. Of course this doesn’t actually have to mean anything in particular but given his past history with relationships I just. don’t think a romantic relationship especially at this point in time would work out. a lot of people think if he had a relationship with fiddleford it would be healthier than fiddauthor and I’m just like….no??? ok first off Stan is kind of a major dick to fiddleford in canon I’m pretty sure he ran him over with his car multiple times on purpose maybe(correct me if I’m wrong I apologize). I think people also forget that at this point in time fiddleford is entering/beginning a stage in his life where he is just at his absolute worst. he’s literally in his evil cultist era and assuming that he’s unaware that Stan is pretending to be ford I don’t think fiddleford would try to reconnect with him at this point. his goal right now is to protect the town from ford via sotbe and he does NOT trust him at all. I think Stan and fiddleford interactions would be fiddleford watching him thinking he was ford and getting into physical fights maybe but just ending with a confused Stan and fiddleford running off like an angry wounded animal. but like. say they were in a relationship at one point, romantic or non romantic, I don’t think it would end well or go well both of them are incredibly mentally unstable and would not be good for each other at all especially fiddleford and I don’t think he would be trusting of Stan at all and would probably end up using the memory gun on him a lot.

and yes ford and fiddlefords relationship was unhealthy and toxic at points and ford defintley treated him unfairly at points but I feel like people forget a lot of it was because of bills manipulation and his succeeding attempts to isolate ford from fidds because keep in mind he loved and respected him and viewed him as an equal and wanted him to be there !! he was so excited to see him and share his adventures with him and just. A lot of it was not his fault, yk??

[psychicwavementality]

🚨 🚨 ‼️ 🇨🇳🇭🇰 HK/CHINESE SUOPOST V2 PART 1 HAS LANDED!!

I never thought it would see the light of day because this draft got deleted like, 2 times and running. But it's here. It's finally here.

Below the cut is another long and lengthy Suopost V2 about his inherent Chineseness and, may I now congratulate, even further Hong Kongness! Not only that, but now we have Endo Yamato also starting to show signs of diagnosable Chineseness, and because my CN friend and I are ridiculously tweaky when it comes to overanalyzing characters who show even a smidge of Chinese in their eyes—this post was born! Sadly, because I am slow as hell when it comes to writing, this post only contains 11,000 words discussing Suo Hayato. You'll need to wait for Part 2 if you want to see me Hallelujahpost and Chinkpost Endo Yamato... blame my stupid baka life.

Now feast your eyes upon me having to correct my own errors in analysis that turns out to reveal even more Chinese connotations 😭😭😭💪!! This is VERY VERY long and has genuine deep analysis regarding a lot of China/HK culture/like 8 seconds of politics and 15 minutes of history + the weight behind some symbolism in Suo's name + theories regarding Suo's arc + Suo's absolutely yappable connection to 儒家思想/Confucianism.

Later in Part 2, we'll talk about Endo Yamato's biblical symbolism + alchemical influence + his connections to Suo, and how I can jokingly chinkpost him lol. I'll also be uploading a Reddit version of this post onto r/WindBreakerManga either tomorrow or the day after because I have to re-format a lot of things.

So strap in for a long and potentially mind-exploding ride because this is what happened to me while researching/writing all this. BTW, feel free to spam live commentary at me using Tumblr's comment function or something because I'd love to hear your thoughts while reading this whole gigantanorstus assfuck of a post... I'm not okay. I think I went insane. Niisato needs to pay me USD 1,664,800 for a new heart because I think mine stopped beating multiple times during research.

Before we begin, I'd like to tell everyone who has read my previous Suo chinkpost (v1) to DISREGARD EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT SUO'S FLOWER BEING PLUM BLOSSOMS. You'd think I'd be devastated to find out I have to retcon an entire analysis because I picked out the wrong flower. You'd be expecting Suo to lose Chinese aurapoints. I shit you not: he auramaxxed HARDER. It's like opening a Pandora's Box; you learn about the real flower and then 5 trillion more connotations are thrown at you at Mach 20. It is more over than I thought possible when I wrote the traditionally symbolic Chinese boypreggers marriage room part. And one connection caused me to spiral into another, thus stretching this post's wordcount into unholy numbers 😭

Anyway.

In Suopost v1, I thought these fuckass flowers [IMG 1] next to Suo were plum blossoms [IMG 2] and, ngl! They look plenty like them. But after I read this mind-blowing char analysis + theory document made by u/Snowy-kitten, my jaw fell as:

Oops, Suo's name means Chinese redbud [IMG 3], and if Sakura's flowers are sakura, then Suo's flowers should be redbuds. Damn, I got it wrong, time to rewrite my Suopost. Sorry for spreading misinformation gu—

...What are these flowers called in Chinese anyway?

why do i hear boss musicHOLY SHIT OH MY GOD THEY'RE CALLED 紫荊花. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH M

Taken directly from the wonderful and super informative document which I highly advise you to read to fully understand this post, especially if you have time:

Su (蘇) – sappanwood, a wood that can be made into medicine used to improve blood circulation, treat wounds, and alleviate pain. It also symbolizes revival, resurrection

O (枋) – sappanwood or a tough wooden plank that can be used for crafting, maybe symbolizing the bridge of communication between other characters?

Suo (蘇枋) – Sappanwood, a deciduous shrub of the legume family (ie a small shrub that loses all its leaves in winter), or Chinese redbud, symbolizing family harmony, can be used as treatment for fever (No wonder why Sakura recovered after Suo visited him)

Haya (隼) – Falcon, a symbol of nobility (high status + wealth) in Japan, also symbolizes bravery, power and vision, is an icon of pursuit and movement, heading toward success (Falcon in other cultures also symbolizes freedom, which might have something to do with Suo’s dream – the liberation of slaves)

To (飛) – Fly or Flight

Hayato (隼飛) – Flying Falcon

Analysis: Most likely the key to the success of Sakura or Bofurin’s rebirth, if Sakura became the leader of Bofurin, Suo would most likely be his right-hand, just like Hiiragi and Umemiya

- Although Chinese redbud symbolizes family harmony in Chinese culture, it also symbolizes betrayal/death due to betrayal in the Bible

- Unlike other characters, Suo’s name contains more than one species of tree, would this be a hint of him having more than one identity, hence the traitor theory?*

*I'll elaborate with my own understanding on the traitor theory expanded from the information I've gotten from u/Snowy-kitten's document. Please please pleaser read their theories and their analyses!! It's super super good and deserves so much credit and a lot of this post is built from it.

-

1. Suo and the 'Chinese Redbud'

Suo's name is extremely fucking insane if viewed from a cultural lens — specifically the symbolism of the 'Chinese redbud' as well as some themes of the 'sappanwood'.

If you're from HK you might already be freaking out with me when you saw those three Chinese characters: 紫荊花, AKA the Chinese name of Suo's second plant after the sappanwood. You might be thinking, User Psychiwavementality, is it truly joever as it is? Is there no coming barack from the HK suoposting? Have we found salvation? Is Suo from Hong Kong, better yet, the Wind Breaker version of Sun Yee On or 14K???

Unfortunately, I have to inform you: no. 🥲 Suo's flower is NOT the bauhinia, known as the '洋紫荊' yang zijing/bauhinia x blakeana/羊蹄甲屬 (yang ti jia shu) which happens to be the official flower of Hong Kong.

Suo's flower is the '紫荊花', or the zijing hua/cercis chinensis, which, in China, can be found in southwest Guangdong, southern Guangxi, and southeastern Yunnan the most. <- These could be places Suo hails from!

However, the Chinese redbud/ZJH and the Bauhinia/YZJ are often used interchangeably (and also incorrectly), causing confusion and mix-ups between both flowers, as HK's 'yang zijing' is sometimes shortened directly to 'zijing'.

Outside of WBK, this shortening is a topic of political discussion. For reference, there is debate around the could-be or could-not-be intentional omission of the 洋 (yang) character in Mainland China when referring to the yang zijing (making it simply zijing (hua) and not the YZJ) as well as how it affects HK.

There was discussion when the HK's Gov. omitted the 'yang' and referred to the YZJ as the 'zijing hua' in our Basic Law. If you want to get a gist of the discussion it feel free to Google Translate this image because mobile Tumblr only lets me embed 10 images and I need to use it sparingly lol.

From Wikipedia:

洋紫荊作為香港法定代表花卉，在《香港特別行政區基本法》第一章第十條提述香港區旗及區徽時被稱作「紫荊花」，英文版則使用泛指羊蹄甲屬的「bauhinia」。然而「紫荊花」一名除在中國南方多泛指羊蹄甲屬外，也可以泛指紫荊亞科的其他花卉，甚至特指紫荊屬物種紫荊（Cercis chinensis）的花。紫荊與洋紫荊兩個物種的花朵外觀有顯著分別，但因中國大陸媒體多依照「紫荊花」一名來宣傳香港市花[註 3]，引致部分中國大陸民眾誤以為香港市花為紫荊的花。

(Edited MTL):

As the legal representative flower of Hong Kong, Bauhinia is called "紫荊花 (ZJH)" when referring to the Hong Kong regional flag and regional emblem in Article 10 of Chapter 1 of the Basic Law of the Hong Kong Special Administrative Region.

The English version uses "bauhinia" which generally refers to the genus Bauhinia. However, the name "紫荊花 (ZJH)", in addition to generally referring to the genus Cercis chinensis in southern China, can also generally refer to other flowers of the subfamily Bauhinia, and even specifically refers to the flowers of the genus Cercis chinensis.

There are significant differences in the appearance of the flowers of the two species, Cercis chinensis and Bauhinia x blakeana. However, because the mainland Chinese media mostly uses the name "紫荊花 (ZJH)" to promote the municipal flower of Hong Kong, some people in mainland China mistakenly believe that the municipal flower of Hong Kong is the 紫荊花 (ZJH).

(I'm not shitting you when I tell you even Google Translate didn't pick up on the nuances between yang zijing and zijing hua 😭😭 also the scientific names have me tripping so the MTL might be wrong yet I'm too blurry to correct it properly... if any native Chinese speaker wants to write a proper TL in the comments I allow you to help me!!)

2. What does this mean for Suo?

The Lack of '洋 (yang)':

(This part touches a little on HK/China/UK history and politics.)

Now that you know the difference between the 'yang zijing' and the 'zijing hua', let me explain some possible symbolism that Suo might carry by having the ZJH as his other plant and not the YZJ.

In Chinese, '洋' means 'foreign'. And yes, Suo likes foreign tea and cakes. Anyway, some people think that the omission of '洋’ is a way to be politically accurate as it may carry connotations of HK being colonized by the UK, and the Mainland Gov. is known to be against the colonization of Hong Kong, often being reluctant to admit that HK belonged to the UK in a brief period of history after signing an unequal treaty. The Mainland Gov. commonly asserts that HK has always been a part of China even during the colonial period, claiming that HK was rightfully returned to its roots on the 1st of July, 1997.

Hence, there is the omittance of 'yang/foreign' from 'yang zijing', whether unintentional or not, when referring to HK's flower, resulting in many current-gen Mainlanders referring to it as the ZJH, which if intentional, could be used as a way to linguistically minimize the alienation between HK and China.

Theories/Speculation as to why it was omitted:

There are multitudes of reasons why Nii Satoru could have chosen to use the ZJH instead of the YZJ in Suo's name.

On a practical level, one reason may be because Suo's name is intended to have double meanings—sappanwood and the Chinese redbud—to show that he has two sides to him, most likely being connections to Chinese culture. Nii Satoru might have been unable to use this two-sided symbolism if he used the YZJ instead, hence why he used the ZJH instead of the YZJ; furthermore, there is a cultural story that comes with the ZJH that could very well coincide and foreshadow Suo's arc which I will explain soon. I personally think this is the most likely reason.

Another practical reason is that Nii Satoru genuinely had no idea there was a difference between the YZJ and the ZJH and, if he ends up revealing that Suo is a born-and-raised in HK lad, he made an honest mistake while trying to hint at Suo being from Hong Kong.

Nii Satoru could also not want to be too 'on-the-nose' when hinting at Suo having correlations to HK, OR he wanted to imply that Suo was originally from China and immigrated to HK at a young age — or it could be hinting at his ancestors moving from China to HK, which was common back in the 'golden era of HK' spurred forward by its advancement in the film industry as well as budding business opportunities for being an international trading hub. Either way, it could have meant to be a nod towards Suo being from China and not Japan/HK etc.

On a theory/canon level, Suo could have intentionally chose this Japanese name for himself and intentionally omitted the '洋 (yang)'/'foreign' character. He could've done it because he dislikes its implications, that he's a stranger in a foreign land (Japan). Or he could be touchy about his identity as a 'foreigner' — what differentiates him from the Japanese? Hence why he dresses and expresses himself so Chinese-ly — or he could've done it to show that he's freeing himself of his roots — people who leave their OG culture behind often become walking time capsules of That Particular Period, and the loss of '洋 (yang)' could also imply he's losing his connections to Hong Kong/the triad. The latter ties in with my tiny theory that Suo's hair is short because he cut it as a way to symbolize him breaking away from his shixiong/shidi, yet his past still haunts him in the way his tassel earrings resemble long hair at times. (The flower meaning of ZJH is also very very in line with this latter theory. I will elaborate more in my next part about the meaning of the Chinese redbud/ZJH.)

Suo could also be omitting this character on purpose to reconnect with his Chinese side after immigrating to HK and then Japan, I suppose? This might be EXTREMELY controversial to show in HK/China if he shows bias towards one side's culture by stepping away from the other, and I don't see a way this can be written without stomping on one side's good graces + provoking political disgruntlement amongst HK/CN readers, so this is probably not going to be an option up for consideration (hopefully).

Furthermore, if Suo also shows favor of JP culture/claiming that he's JP over being HK/CN as his arc and that he's abandoning his past identity as a Chinese/HK person, I promise you that some CN readers might become unhappy as there are long-standing grudges between the Chinese and the Japanese from WW2 that are too long to elaborate here. If you're curious to learn about it, search up 'Nanjing Massacre' and 'Unit 731' to see for yourself — please heed a TW for extreme brutality and inhumane torture.

OK, this is the last of all things political, but I promise the historical part will still continue. Let's move on.

3. The Meaning and Stories Behind the Zijing Hua/Chinese Redbud and The Yang Zijing/Bauhinia x blakeana

In Chinese culture, the Chinese redbud/zijing hua has a well-known cultural story behind it. It is deeply tied to the flower meaning of the Chinese redbud -- which has core symbolisms of familial reunion/love (親情) and brotherly harmony (兄弟和睦). And to any SuoSaku enjoyer's delight, they also symbolize steadfast love, passion, and affection; it is known to be a well-received gift for husbands and wives; it can even symbolize a strong and loyal friendship (if you're into that). The growth structure of a Chinese redbud, as said by a user in an online Chinese forum to whom I will graciously quote:

3、倔强坚强

紫荆花的花语为倔强坚强，紫荆花的花朵生长的十分紧凑，就算在阴雨天气，叶片被大风所吹动，不断摇慎态摆，也不会掉落，好似一位倔强的人，永远不会向困难低头，努力拼搏，最终收获成功。

(Edited MTL):

3. Stubborn and strong

The flower language of the zijing hua is stubbornness and strength. The flowers of the zijing hua grow very compactly. Even in rainy weather, the leaves are blown by strong winds and keep swaying cautiously, but they will not fall off. Just like a stubborn person, they will never bow their head to difficulties, work hard and exert oneself to the utmost, and ultimately achieve success.

It can also symbolize new beginnings, just like Sakura's sakura:

紫荊花的象徵意義 紫荊花象徵著愛情、美麗和純潔。 在中國傳統文化中，紫荊花還被視為春天的使者，寓意著新生命和新的希望。

(Edited MTL)

The symbolic meaning of zijing hua symbolises love, beauty and purity. In traditional Chinese culture, the zijing hua is also regarded as the messenger of spring, implying new life and new hope.

Moving on to English sources, I've basically learned that the Chinese redbud:

Is not resistant to winter frost, but is generally able to survive the cold. Suo's favorite season may be winter, but both the sappanwood and the Chinese redbud are not resistant to either the cold or frost, with the first losing all its leaves in winter and the second potentially dying to snow/frost (like most plants lol.) Despite being resistant to the rain and heat of spring and summer and being able to tolerate degrees under 38°C (remember Suo not breaking a sweat when training in the summer with Furin?), Chinese redbuds fall short when it comes to braving brutal winters, thriving best when the temperature is above 10°C.

They bloom during spring, around March-April. Could this be a parallel as to why Suo idolizes Ume, the 'plum blossom' that can bloom in the cold of winter? For being able to stay resilient and stand proudly/beautifully even amidst harsh and stressful conditions?

Has many parts can be utilized for traditional Chinese medicine, cooking, and decoration. The wood and the bark have been used to treat abscesses, bladder ailments, and head troubles. Treats bladder diseases, post-partum discharges, bleeding piles, and internal parasites; its flowers are used for relieving rheumatic muscles and joint pain. Even the flowers can be eaten raw or pickled, containing vitamin C with a fresh and acidic taste. The bark of young shoots can be used to weave baskets, as the wood of Cercis species is generally of good quality. -> Suo's plants can both weave baskets and act as good wood...

Is also known for its ornamental purposes, and has a neighboring family tree—the Cercis siliquastrum, known as the 'Judas Tree', which is a symbol of betrayal. Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus and committed suicide by hanging himself from a redbud tree. Additionally, I was told by my friend that u/Snowy-kitten realized the kanji for Suo's name is is 蘇枋（すおう), but the tree he represents is Chinese redbud (花蘇芳/ハナズオウ/hanazuou in Japanese). 蘇枋 and 蘇芳 are pronounced the same and one of the hanakotoba (flower language) of 花蘇芳 is apparently death by betrayal.

While the Chinese redbud/ZJH is known for these traits, the YZJ is a little bit different; it was difficult to find meanings and symbolism for the Bauhinia x blakeana due to it being a lesser-known flower + a sterile hybrid flower.

Locally, the leaves of the YZJ are considered "clever leaves" and a symbol of wisdom; sometimes harvested to be dried into bookmarks to bring good luck in studies.

The Bauhinia x blakeana is a hybrid between the Bauhinia purpurea and then Bauhinia variegata. But I could not find anything about the symbolism of the Bauhinia purpurea... I looked at some other ones in the Bauhinia genus, though.

From what I found, the genus has flowers that typically represent new beginnings (is he twinning Sakura?), feminine beauty (he's still ♂ fertile ♂ like that), grace, elegance, and nobility.

Bauhinia kappleri:

Historically, it has been seen as a symbol of unity due to its bilobed leaves resembling joined hands. This symbolism was especially prominent in cultures that valued harmony and cohesiveness. [...] Pink Bauhinia represents grace, unity, and resilience. Its delicate yet sturdy appearance communicates a balance of beauty and strength. [...] In Chinese culture, for instance, it symbolizes renewal and new beginnings [...] Meanwhile, in Western contexts, it often represents appreciation and noble elegance.

Bauhinia acuminata:

The Bauhinia acuminata's striking appearance symbolizes beauty, elegance, and grace. It is often associated with the ideals of feminine beauty and charm. In some cultures, these blossoms are seen as symbols of new beginnings and growth, making them popular choices for weddings and other celebrations.

Bauhinia variegata:

1. [...] the white orchid has held reverence throughout Chinese culture and stands as a symbol of nobility, beauty, and innocence.

2. The Orchid Tree holds symbolic meaning in several cultures. In India, it is associated with love, fertility, and prosperity, often featured in weddings and religious ceremonies. In Chinese culture, Bauhinia variegata is a symbol of beauty, grace, and the fleeting nature of life.

Bauhinia x blakeana in Chinese Sources:

在中國文化中，紫色常代表高貴與權力，而洋紫荊則代表了優雅和力量。 此外，洋紫荊還象徵著團結和繁榮，這也使它成為許多盛大活動的首選花卉。

(Edited MTL)

In Chinese culture, the color purple often represents nobility and power, while the yang zijing represents elegance and strength. In addition, the yang zijing symbolizes unity and prosperity, which makes it the flower of choice for many grand events.

I have a headache. 🤕 Am I just yapping or was this all preordained by Nii Satoru?

Do you still remember that Suo's earrings are made of coral? The very coral that symbolizes a lofty status, auspiciousness, nobility, power, and eternity? 🤕

It's all coming together...

The Story of Three Brothers and the Zijing Hua Tree/田真兄弟：

This story could very well be a direct hint towards Suo's future martial siblings + how his arc will end. I vaguely remember(?) studying this passage for DSE unseen 文言文s so I managed to find it again. I'll cross-reference and do a direct word-to-word translation. If you understand Chinese I recommend just reading the 文言文 because it has more of the OG meaning 💪

原文/Original:

京兆田真兄弟三人，共议分财。生资皆平均，唯堂前一株紫荆树，共议欲破三片。翌日就截之，其树即枯死，状如火然。真往见之，大愕，谓诸弟曰：“树本同株，闻将分斫，固憔悴，是人不如木也。” 因悲不自胜，不复解树。树应声荣茂，兄弟相感，遂和睦如初。

註釋/Glossary

（1）京兆：京城地區。

（2）生資：生活資料。

（3）皆：都。

（4）唯：只有。

（5）破：使之破為。

（6）就：開始。

（7）即：立即；立刻。

（8）狀：形狀；狀態。

（9）然：通假字，同“燃”，燃燒。

（10）翌日：第二天

（11）愕：驚訝。

（12）諸：眾；

（13）斫（zhuó）：砍。

（14）勝：承受；控制。

（15）憔悴：枯死。

（16）故：所以。

（17）解：分解。

（18）其：他家的。

（19） 堂：門。

（20）株：棵。

（21）遂：於是。

句子翻譯/Sentence TLs:

1、翌日就截之：第二天就準備截斷它。

2、狀如火然：形狀像被火燃燒過一樣。

3、樹木同株，聞將分斫，故憔悴，是人不如木也：樹本來是同根的，聽到要砍斷分開，所以枯死了，我們人都不如樹木。

4、樹應聲榮茂：紫荊樹聽到（田真的）話後（立刻）枝葉繁茂（了起來）。

My attempt at an English TL:

In the capital city [Beijing], the three Tianzhen brothers divided their property. All other assets [means of living] had already been evenly divided; all except the Chinese redbud tree/zijing tree in front of the door. They discussed and agreed to split the tree into three pieces each. The next day, they prepared to cut the tree down, but the tree immediately withered to death, as if it had been torched by a flame. The oldest brother looked at the sight and was extremely stunned, saying to his younger brothers: "This tree is originally from the same root. It heard it was going to be separated after it was felled, and thus, it withered. We, as humans, were no match for/couldn't live up to even a tree."

Because they were unable to bear with/contain their remorse, the brothers decided not to cut the tree. When the Chinese redbud/zijing tree heard the eldest brother's words, it immediately sprouted flowers once more. The Tianzhen brothers were astonished and emotional and thus returned to their harmonious relationship from the beginning.

From this, I'm heavily inclined to believe that:

Suo is one of three brothers/martial siblings.

Suo left/they left Suo due to family issues or family inheritance trials.

Suo's arc will end well, with all brothers reaching an understanding and becoming friendly again.

OR, Suo is the Chinese redbuds/zijing tree in this scenario.

Suo might end up facing Endo because the passage mentions 'as if it had been torched by a flame [状如火然]'. Endo's name is '棪堂' -> this also means something else which u/Snowy-kitten mentioned, it being 'a tree that bears edible red fruit' in Chinese, which contributes to Endo's biblestuff. But let's analyze it later in Endo's part.

Chinese can somewhat be considered playing Pictionary—if you separate the words from 「棪堂」 into three: 「木」、「炎」、「堂」， you could literally interpret this as, in 文言文/Classical Chinese, 「Tree/Wood」、「Flames Rising」、「Courtyard/Doorfront」

This coincides with the "Chinese redbud tree/ZJH" looking as if it "had been torched aflame" in front of the house/the courtyard/the door.

In conclusion, this might allude to Suo having to fight Endo, or Endo having to fight Suo to get him back due to a family feud—and Suo might get heavily injured. His martial brothers might realize the impact of their actions and finally retreat and make up.

Suo and Sappanwood:

Sappanwood can make a type of valuable red dye named brazilin.

The character of 'Su' (蘇) in JP also means resurrection, reviving, resuscitation, and rehabilitation.

The red pigment found in the sappanwood tree (brazilin) has also been used to treat wounds and ward off infections, encouraging faster healing.

Sappanwood isn’t as favoured for extracting dyes as brazilwood, though—the discovery of brazilwood led to a boom in red pigments due to its greater concentration, whereas sappanwood was much less saturated in comparison.

This is pure yappanese but maybe Suo sees himself as inferior compared to his brothers...

That's the color of the dye sappanwood creates and that is the color of Suo's eye and his coral earring. I don't need to say anything more, right?

4. FALCON KICK 𓅃𓅃 FALCON PUNCH 𓅃𓅃

Rejoice!! We have made it to the next section of Suo's name at last!! I never thought I'd get here!!!! LET'S MAKE THIS QUICK (it's not quick).

Again, from the document that u/Snowy-kitten wrote, "隼" means 'falcon' and "飛" means 'fly/flight', spelling out "隼飛" lit. 'flying falcon'.

Reviewing the Symbolism Blargh Off This Page: (OG text has been slightly edited)

"The falcon represents vision, freedom, and victory. Hence, it also connotes salvation to those who are in bondage whether moral, emotional, or spiritual." <- I find it very interesting that many of Suo's symbolisms tie back to things relating to a new beginning/healing: salvation, revitalization, resurrection, a new hope, etc., which falls in line with his dream: the liberation of slaves. And look, I know this possibly means Suo breaking free of whatever chains down his heart, but ACTUALLY Suo will be stuck in 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 bondage and then be saved by EndoSaku. Trust me y'all I'm Nii Satoru's right-hand man

"In Christian symbolism, the wild falcon represents the unconverted, materialistic soul and its sinful thoughts and deeds. The tamed bird symbolizes the Christian convert pursuing his lofty thoughts, hopes, and aspirations with courage." <- I don't think Suo is wild or tame or Christian in particular, but you could take it as current-Suo suppressing and masking his true identity/emotions. And that actually makes sense when you remember how Suo nearly went Insanity.PNG during KEEL Arc and Sakura had to stop him from continuing to pummel a guy when he was down; when Sakura admitted he was pissed at himself and turned away Suo thought 'I really am no match for you'. On one hand, this could be explained extremely well if we view it from a Confucian + Suo's theory of adulthood lens which will be talked about later in Part 6. However, this could also symbolize Suo being bound in emotional chains and having... wtf, 'sinful thoughts'? That he's suppressing?? Maybe that's why he doesn't use his phone around people coz there's a bunch of 料 (blackmail) in there 🤣. And when Suo gets his arc I suppose he gets 'tamed' and is finally free to pursue his aspirations with courage (being with Furin and supporting Sakura), which will effectively act as another new beginning/his healing—further tying into his whole shtick surrounding resurrection revitalization healing salvation blah blah blah. (POV: the 'Suo has no Christian allusions' part comes to bite me back in the ass via. Taiping Rebellion parallels where an ethnically Han Chinese mf in Suo's triad or Noroshi proclaims to be "Endo's brother-in-christ" slash the brother of the WBK Jesus Christ. And then I kill myself)

"In Egyptian hieroglyphs, the falcon glyph was used in words and phrases such as 'god', 'pharaoh', 'greatness', 'year', 'sovereign', 'star', 'hour', 'prayer', 'land', and 'world'. It was associated with the deity of the sky, of kingship, and of the sun, Horus [...] In early dynasties, the king’s ascension was known as the “Flight of the Falcon”." <- Aha! AHA! YEAH MORE NOBILITY HOURS AND A DIRECT REFERENCE TO THE DEFINITION OF HAYATO. Okay. So. This is highly unlikely to happen but imagine Suo becomes the head of his triad branch. Or maybe this means that Suo is the heir to something lofty... deadass the fated ascension to big bad boss which he skedaddled from or was denied from, who knows?

"The Eye of Horus, the Egyptian symbol for the Sun, depicts a stylized falcon's eye and face markings. It signified royal power and protection from danger, evil, and ill health." <- More nobility/higher status allusions and illness-warding shit, typical Suo Hayato behavior.

"A human-headed falcon served as a symbol of the human soul on its flight from this world to the afterlife. Similarly, the crossed arms of Egyptian mummies were intended to symbolize the folded wings of a falcon at rest." <- And here we have more Suoshit related to afterlife-isms resurrection-isms and new beginnings-isms. Chat can I stop talking about Suo Hayato ... he's just a never-ending Pandora's 24-hour unboxing video...

"The sport of hunting with falcons was associated with nobility in Europe, Japan, and China, where falcons symbolized keen vision, boldness, and power." <- 'Takagari (鷹狩) is Japanese falconry, a sport of the noble class, and a symbol of their nobility, their status, and their warrior spirit.' - Wikipedia.

To continue with Wikipedia: In the 13th century, hawking became popular among the rising samurai class as well as among court nobles (kuge). At that time, the practice of hawking was a means of resolving struggles over land ownership among lords. <- This feels a little similar to the splitting of property mentioned in the Tianzhen brothers!

What's more interesting about falconry is that falcons typically wear 'falcon hoods' that blind them, which forces them to be calm.

The bird wears a hood, which is used in the manning process (acclimatizing to humans and the human world) and to keep the raptor in a calm state, both in the early part of its training and throughout its falconry career. Out of all the falconer's aids, the hood is the most important piece of equipment. There are various styles and types of hoods for raptors within falconry. The hood is handmade, often from kip leather or suitable kangaroo leather. —Wikipedia

Suo's eyepatch is made from leather as mentioned in his character sheet even though nowadays, a lot of eyepatches and most medical eyepatches are made with cloth and/or other adhesive materials.

What's more, a majority of traditional falconry gloves/gauntlets have tassels extremely close if not similar designs to the earrings Suo wears:

Remember when Suo once mentioned that he had an 'ancient Chinese dragon spirit sealed away in his eye', hence the eyepatch? Maybe there's weight behind that joke because he might lose his composure if the eyepatch is taken away.

If Suo is a trained falcon belonging to his family—although he's 'flying' right now, either for a hunt or free roam—he's been educated in a way that eventually, he will always turn back and roost on the gloves of his master.

"The falcon was seen as the bird of Princes, the gyrfalcon the bird of Kings, and the eagle the bird of Emperors. [...] A falcon [would be released] at the funerals of Pharaohs. This illustrates the ancient view of raptors as intermediaries between the divine and eternal heavens and the mortal earth." <- The 'bird of Princes' part really makes me want to believe Suo is truly in a high-ranking and potentially triad-inheriting position of power; he could really be a 'prince' of sorts for his gang... The O (枋) in Suo can stand for a 'sturdy plank', and even 'raft/boat', which might symbolize him being a bridge of connection between the 'divine and eternal heavens' (his triad/family/whatever dude) and the 'mortal earth' (Furin).

"Furthermore, falcons are represented by the constellation Aquila [lit meaning eagle], as are all raptors. This constellation is said to confer the qualities of boldness, ambition, courage, liberty, generosity, penetrating vision, and a noble spirit, along with a gift for martial arts and the fabrication of weapons.

"This contrasts with a vulnerability to and enmity toward reptiles and their symbolic qualities of deceitfulness, underhandedness (venom), vindictiveness, and baseness of spirit.

[OP's Quick Interjection: from the source some mf added a little 'that aint falco' after the following part and I gotta agree. But also, falcons and eagles are both under raptors as birds of prey, and from what I've seen, Suo is the only known person in WBK so far to have a bird of prey in his name, so I'll still keep this here as food for thought—as well as a theory I have for later.]

"Reflecting this opposition, the battling eagle and serpent has been a motif from ancient times, common to Western, Eastern and New World civilizations. See classical Roman statuary, the ancient coat of arms of Mexico and the Garuda emblems of Indonesia, Thailand and Ulan Bator. The dichotomy can also be seen in the eagle and the rattlesnake competing to be symbols of the Revolutionary United States in the 18th century."

Right. So. I have a lot to say about this chunk. The first is the numerous stories of raptors, mainly eagles, and serpents/snakes, as well as my theory that the family Suo has been sworn into will feature new characters with birds of prey as their joining kanji.

I'll elaborate on the latter first because it's shorter: so far, out of all of the named and introduced people in WBK up till Rooftop Fight, not a single person except Suo contains the character of an animal capable of flight, much less a bird of prey.

The only person who comes remotely close to having birds as a symbol is Chika Takiishi and the full-page spread ft. his fight with Umemiya which u/Just_EveB theorized to be the karura, which originates from the Garuda in Hinduism (will also elaborate later). But even Chika doesn't have any bird radical in his name. Shishitoren isn't exempt from this; the gang known for people with animal radicals only contains land mammals and reptilians:

Tomoyama Choji (兎耳山 丁子) = rabbit

Togame Jo (十亀 条) = tortoise

Sako Kouta (佐狐 浩太) = fox

Arima Yukinari (有馬 雪成) = horse

Kanuma Minoru (鹿沼 稔) = ♫ Shikanokonokonokokoshitantan ♫

(There's also Inugami Teruomi who is a dog for "inu" but I CAN'T FIND HIS KANJI AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WIKI PAGE??? FREE MY MAN!!!)

Even other characters who happen to have an animal in their name e.g. Hiiragi Toma (柊 登馬) (馬 -> horse) don't have an animal capable of flight, much less a bird of prey, and no one has the radical for bird (鳥).

Hence, I'm genuinely going to go out on a limb and say that the family Suo has sworn into—or his biological brothers or martial brothers or whatever fucked-up triad business he's in—will have characters containing '鳥' (bird) or one of the following in their names: 鷹、鵰、鳶、鵟、鷂、鴞、鵂鶹、魚鷹、鷲, which are respectively eagle, eagle but different*, kite, buteo, the birds that are under here, owl, collared owlet, osprey, and vulture. OR, if these family members have Chinese names instead of JP, it's plausible they have the same pinyin pronunciation as some of these.

*Btw, this is the difference between a 鷹 and a 鵰. Don't even ask me tbh

Next up, let's talk about the correlations between birds of prey and serpents. I did some scouring through the internet and dug up quite a lot of stuff.

Let's first establish that the only person so far who has been shown with serpent/snake imagery is none other than Endo Yamato himself.

(And yes, I switched to desktop just to embed more images, I'm crying. Anyway, these panels are all taken from Chapters 144 and 145.)

The tattoo on Endo's neck, an infinity symbol, is derived from the ouroboros, a snake/serpent/dragon biting its own tail.

It symbolizes 'eternal cyclic renewal' or 'a cycle of life, death and rebirth'. Wow, so Suocore.

(BTW, in some religions... the ouroboros is also a fertility symbol. This just in: Suo, Sakura, and Endo are all ♂fertile♂)

I have so much more to say about Endo's tattoos but that's reserved for when I'm done with Suo Hayato... so let's go back to the topic of serpents and eagles and their tales.

Here's some prominent stuff I found:

Aesop's fable: This is the first example I managed to find. It's a story about how kindness will always be repaid. I honestly can't seem to think of a way this coincides with Suo/Suo's family/Endo etc. You can click on it to read the story yourself. Like, I think Endo's on a path to pseudo-redemption or at least 'potential future allies', and I can't see a reason why? He'd want to poison? Somebody?? Even 'figuratively'. Like, let's pretend my theory of Suo's family having birds of prey in their names is correct. Why would one of Suo's martial bros, or better yet the head honcho or something, swoop in to save this Countryman from Endoshittalk? But well, if anyone can think of anything, feel free to comment on it!!

Thus Spoke Zarathustra:

An eagle soared through the sky in wide circles, and on him there hung a serpent, not like prey but like a friend: for she kept herself wound around his neck. “These are my animals,” said Zarathustra and was happy in his heart. “The proudest animal under the sun and the wisest animal under the sun” […]

“That I might be wiser! That I might be wise through and through like my serpent! But there I ask the impossible: so I ask my pride that it always go along with my wisdom. And when my wisdom leaves me one day—alas, it loves to fly away—let my pride then fly with my folly.”

Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, “Zarathustra's Prologue,” translated by Walter Kaufmann.

This is something that also came up, yet this is a more different example compared to the beginning—instead of feuding, the eagle and snake are in harmony, representing the mind and body becoming one, as well as taken from u/__Can__ from the linked Reddit post detailing what they symbolize:

It represents the highest strivings/capacities in man (eagle) and the lowest and more earthly/instinctive faculties (serpent). They are not opposed to one another but are rather one. Just like the other metaphor Nietzsche used, the tree (thought as the self-actualizing man) that if it wants to grow towards heaven (the highest in man) has to have its roots deep beneath the earth in the dark and evil layers of the psyche so to speak. You have to integrate your obscure and evil side in order to become whole.

There's a lot of tree imagery that I'm not really familiar with but know exists in WBK... such as that time Sakura's branch was nearly snapped off by Endo. To me this feels more like a general 'concept' that can be written into the story rather than an important foreshadowing towards future arcs ... plus I haven't read the book so I can't commentate on the philosophies of Nietzsche, so far the only thing I know about him is that he is one of the philosophers outspoken on overcoming Nihilism... taken from a deleted Reddit user:

People who haven’t read or understood Nietzsche think he is a nihilist, which is a bit understandable as his thought is complex, and he was a devastating critic of both dominant and trendy movements/institutions and their values. I believe he once described himself as a maggot that goes into a wound to eat away at the decaying flesh to clean it out. He also described himself as philosophizing with a hammer. In many ways, he is one of the intellectual fathers of postmodern deconstructionism. Which can often border on the nihilistic, but Nietzsche wasn’t simply trying to tear everything we believed in down for its own sake, his intention was to make things better.

From a site (really good read about Nietzsche and Buddhism):

Nietzsche aimed to overcome nihilism by affirming the unconditional embrace of existence. For him, life was not to be denied but rather created by one’s own value system, and built on the foundation of understanding that there is no inherent meaning in the universe. Nishianti describes this process as “dying the great death in the abyss of nihility and coming back to life again” (1983, 233). In doing so, active nihilism becomes a transitional stage rather than an end in itself. It is the abyss into which we must descend, “the darkest night before the dawn” (Nietzsche, 1968, 12). It is through the experiential stages of active nihilism that an individual strives for the heights of the ideal being, the übersmench. He asserted that living by one’s own ‘noble morality’ is characterized as a vigorous, free, and joyful existence, ruled by an innate “will to overpower, and will to rule” (1968, 16). From his works, it is evident that Nietzsche detested the weak and humble man who sought to escape the realities of life.

I can somewhat link Nietzsche's theories on nihilism with the process of creating the Philosopher's Stone (nigredo, albedo, citrinitas, rubedo), which is suuuuper interesting because Endo has vaguely alchemic symbols tattooed onto him. But again I'm digressing.

Norse Mythology [1] and [2]: According to ancient Norse mythology, the World Tree Yggdrasil has an unnamed eagle at the top and a serpent/dragon named Nidhogg at the bottom, and beneath the eagle there is a hawk named Vedrfolnir, standing for '"storm pale", "wind bleached", or "wind-witherer". Between them, there is also a squirrel named Ratatoskr who carries messages between the eagle and Nidhogg.

From Wikipedia: In historical Viking society, 'níð'(nid) was a term for a social stigma, implying the loss of honor and the status of a villain. Thus, its name might refer to its role as a horrific monster in its action of chewing the corpses of the inhabitants of Náströnd: those guilty of murder, adultery, and oath-breaking.

It's faster to just attach images of me and my friend tweaking:

I might one day do a separate post about Norsestuff and Furin because this is really interesting.

This entire Reddit comment section: Talks about the historical significance of the eagle and the snake in tales, depictions, etc. From u/Wayrin:

This symbol goes way way way back. There are depictions of eagles with snakes going back to Babylon and Elam around 3000 BCE. Of course the image was borrowed by everyone and the Egyptians saw it as Horus defeating Seth. Similarly Ahura Mazda was depicted as an eagle and Ahriman as a dragon. The Greeks borrowed the idea of the eagle as a symbol of resurrection from later Egyptian tradition and then it starts popping up everywhere. India, Indonesia, Rome and all over the Mediterranean. Most of these traditions use the Eagle to represent some great good. Usually a god related to the sun combating the forces of evil the snake. We believe the symbol to be borrowed and expanded (except for Mesoamerica) since they have so many commonalities. A lot of the stories have the Serpent winning over the Eagle before the Eagle triumphs. If you can access it, this is my source "Eagle and Serpent. A study in the Migration of Symbols." It was written in 1939 though so take it with a grain of salt.

And from u/tonycmyk, about ancient Mesopotamia:

[...] The snake/serpent has always represented the giving of knowledge to humans and the connection to earth. The eagle has always represented power over the earth and war. And this symbolism can be traced back through every ancient culture we know of and probably the ones we don’t. Powerful stuff.

Something not related to Suo: So about the Karura... the theorized demon JoJo stand that Chika has in the spread originated under 'Garuda' in Hinduism. You can read more about Garudas VS. Nagas here and the common point between Karuras and Garudas is that they're both depicted as people who feud constantly with dragons/serpents/snakes. In Hinduism, though, Nagas aren't depicted as evil like in Christianity. (And they're also a symbol of fertility... Endo's more ♂fertile♂ than Suo confirmed...)

5. Final Closing Notes on Suo

So, in summary, what do I think about Suo?

... What do I think about Suo... (crushing the chopsticks in my hand) I have multiple proposals as to what Suo is doing in Furin and what's going on with his family. And other Suostuff in general.

Falcon flying away: - To me, I see this as Suo leaving the family for a brief period, similar to how falconers can train their falcons to hunt but inevitably return to their owner. - If Suo's arc involves him cutting ties with his family, then this part could also symbolize Suo's desire to leave his original background behind in favor of Furin. - If the falcon symbolizes Suo's family as a whole, then this could represent the downfall of Suo's triad/noble family too, or that they're conducting some of their business elsewhere from their place of origin (*suspiciously Chinese ringtone starts to echo from my phone holder*)

u/Snowy-kitten's traitor Suo theory: Suo could be a spy in Furin. He could be scoping out the area for his own triad/gang/whatever. But what's most curious is the already-existing relevance between Endo and Suo that u/Snowy-kitten pointed out: Suo’s given name and Endo’s given name, Hayato and Yamato respectively are the names of two ancient Japanese tribes. [...] The Hayato is a tribe of ancient Japanese people that existed during the Nara period. The Yamato is another tribe of ancient Japanese people that existed alongside the Hayato. The Hayato frequently resisted the Yamato rule until the year 720 when the Hayato rebellion broke out. It was a rebellion of the Hayato against the Yamato. The rebellion ended in the year 721 with the Yamato being victorious. The interesting thing about the name 'Yamato' as u/Snowy-kitten also mentions is that its kanji (哉真斗) holds almost no meaning in JP. In Chinese, though, this can more or less translate to an expression, 'Ah, a real fight!' as '哉' in classical Chinese can be translated into an exclamation of sorts (「哉」可表示感嘆、疑問及反問語氣，相等於「啊」、「呢」、「嗎」), the '真' translates to 'real/true', and the '斗' (or 鬥 in trad) translates to 'fight'. So in the end, the Serpent VS. Eagle thing might happen in the form of Endo fighting Suo himself or Endo fighting one of Suo's family members.

Tsuge-chan and Suo: Remember this part?

Yeah, so, wtf was that? Fun facts on Tsuge's name from u/Snowy-kitten again (thank you bro you're saving my life):

I feel like Tsuge is going to be interlinked with Suo's backstory, that maybe he knows something more about Suo's 'family' than anyone in Furin should. Whether or not the XL river in Tsuge's name can be crossed with a bridge from another character's name or not... IDK we'll see if said bridge can be crossed when we get to it or burnt in favor of Suo lol... because Suo mentions bridge building in his character song gg

My final hard read on Suo's arc (take this with 2 mouthfuls of salt): - Suo will be called away briefly and leaves Furin either without notice or on short notice. He might leave behind enough clues to let Furin know why or where he's going. Or he might leave none at all, and Tsuge has to guess and explain what's most likely going on. - Endo might have to fight Suo in some way. Or he ends up fighting Suo's older martial siblings (the 'eagle') and triumphs over them. - If the oldest is truly the 'eagle', then there will be a younger one, the second-in-command, the 'hawk', like in Norse mythology. - I might come up with more stuff and I'll edit this into here as time comes.

6. I Lied

Suo isn't over. We still have to talk about how well he fulfills the shit we learnt in the HKDSE about our goat Johnny Hung's virtues/morals/principles.

So anyway, this is Johnny Hung our fucking GOAT!!!!!:

AKA Confucius lmao. Sorry it's an inside joke

This man is the reason I had to memorize so much classical Chinese sayings and literature that eventually culminated into Knowledge for the Suopost. It was all built towards this moment :( Let's start with an explanation of 論仁、論孝、論君子 as well as 五倫/四端！

...User Pyschicwavementality, wtf is this?

(Stares at you with the most depressed, sick, and haunted eyes) Chinese lore.

I will sadly not be sane if I explained every single one of these sayings to you guys. (Mutters) I mean I did have to memorize all of them back in the day but I'd kms elaborating on all of them so. I'm just going to take the relevant ones that could tie into Suo's character.

Let me first establish: the core of Confucianism revolves around "仁、義、禮、智、信、恕、忠、孝、悌". The arguably quote unquote """""important""""" ones (to today's discussion and in What I Learnt in general anyway) would be 仁義禮智信 and also 孝, of which I will now try? My best? To explain?? Please forgive me I learned everything in Chinese and it's really hard to do an accurate translation/analysis without going deep into culture and history 😭

CLASSICAL CHINESE 101

仁：This is read as rén. It is like... altruism, betterment, and love, I guess? Rén is how you interact with people, it is the innate connection and bond and interaction between human beings. (人與人之間互相關懷，尤其以關愛自己的親人最為重要。) It is respect and love and doing good deeds and Kind deeds out of our inner Goodness in our hearts. It is born from our inner individual and it affects our actions and what we do. We aim to always be a 'jūnzǐ' （君子）in Confucianism, someone who embodies all of Confucianism as the "self-improving and good-hearted" individual. To be empathetic and the kindest/most altruistic and loving person to one and all; to treat everyone equally from our innate Goodness—that is more or less rén. In the ideal society of Confucianism, everyone practices rén. This would mean society would always be harmonious.

義：this is read is yì. It is morality, justice, and helping others when in need. It is doing what is right and according to rén.

禮：this is lǐ. It is respect, treating people with manners, following social rules under rén, showing filial piety to your parents and elders, etc.

智：this is zhì. It is the pursuit of knowledge, creation, innovation, and improvement. It is having the intelligence to separate right/wrong and good/evil.

信：this is read as xìn. It is to have faith and belief in our beliefs and pursuits and our governing body. It is also integrity, honesty, and truthfulness. Whether it be a person, an organization, a business, or a government, they must have integrity as their core value.

(Additional) 孝：this is read as xiào and is essentially filial piety. Confucius believed that respect and love towards our parents should not be seen as an 'obligation', but rather something inner from the heart. There are four 'levels' of xiào: 孝順、孝敬、孝養、孝承 (xiàoshùn, xiàojìng, xiàoyǎng, xiàochéng). This is super complicated to go through so if you're bored and have tons of free time on your hands, feel free to run this PDF through a translator to get a better idea on what xiào is.

To get an idea on xiào, Confucius said that, if our parents became old and we only send them food and money, this is no different from raising a dog or a horse (孝養). He says, "Without respect (敬), where is there a difference?". When his disciples asked what we must do to respect (敬) our parents, he answered "We must not turn our backs on them [or more specifically, do not turn our backs on lǐ (etiquette)]. We serve them according to etiquette while alive; bury and commemorate according to etiquette after death."

But anyway, in turn, parents must also treat their children with all the above-mentioned virtues and said parents need to respect their parents with the same attitude as well. In theory, this goes both ways.

There's also Mencius' beliefs branched from Confucius' teachings (still part of Confucianism):

惻隱之心：read as 'cèyǐn zhī xīn'. This is your innate ability to feel compassion and empathy. Some people always see the "evil" around them and fail to see the goodness inside people and thus choose to be "evil" in turn. Mencius, one of Confucius' disciples, believed everyone was born kind and carried compassion. For those who are unfortunate, people will sympathize with them out of their own kindness; for those who are weak, people will have compassion for them and reach out to help them. He believed that people should never abandon their inner kindness, as kind people will always be rewarded by the kindness of others.

是非之心：read as 'shìfēi zhī xīn'. This is the innate ability to differentiate right and wrong actions as well as morally incorrect/correct decisions others make and reflect on them to judge why it is wrong and what not to do.

羞惡之心：read as 'xiūwù zhī xīn'. This is the innate ability to feel shame and guilt for making mistakes or doing things that are not following lǐyí (禮儀). It is also feeling scorn/disgust for others who do not follow lǐyí (禮儀).

辭讓之心：read as 'círàng zhī xīn'. This is the innate ability to feel thankful when others do something kind towards you, and you will feel like you need to pay it forward. It is giving others opportunities in exchange of your own and taking a step back to put others in mind first.

There's also the concept of inter-relationship hierarchy from the foundations of filial piety, which stipulates the order of respect should go from 君臣、父子、夫婦、兄弟、朋友 -> Lord/Emperor & Gov., Father-Son, Husband-Wife, Brothers, and Friends

Additional aid via. translations of my super helpful diagrams I made ages and ages ago about how to differentiate 仁義禮智:

(2) Analogy: POV you are in Ancient China and you see an elderly man killing a random guy

(3) Because you have 惻隱之心 (cèyǐn), you feel pitiful for the guy being killed. Because you have 是非之心 (shìfēi), you can judge and realize why the elderly man killing the guy is wrong. Because you have 羞惡之心 (xiūwù), you feel angry that the elderly man is killing the guy.

(4) Because in Ancient China, the lǐ [social rules] is to respect your elders [filial piety], but because the elderly man is doing something not in accordance with lǐ and yì (禮儀) [social rules and justice], you will do what is right (the lǐ action) and stop the elderly man from getting killed.

(5) Think: your choice to act and do correctly and the correct act itself is yì; your heart's inner compassion is rén; your ability to tell if the situation is in accordance with lǐyí (禮儀) or not is zhì; and the environmental/social rules = lǐ, e.g. respecting your elders. When you do actions that are not fulfilling yì, you feel guilty because you have 羞惡之心 (xiūwù). Rén is inner moral/virtue requirements [to be a 君子 jūnzǐ)，whereas yì is your outward action.

(6) Oh, and don't forget: 羞惡之心 (xiūwù) is feeling disgusted/hateful when you see others do something not in accordance with 禮儀 (lǐyì). If you do non-lǐyì things yourself, you will feel ashamed.

(7) Adding on to the last sentence in (5), 'rén' is not a requirement; it is inner 'love' exuded from the heart. If you are forced or required to do so, that is not 'rén', that is 'duty'.

So how does this all tie into Suo Hayato?

(Shakes my fist full of documents) so this is where I start CRAZYMAXXING.

If you also lovehate this man you might have already made some connections between Suo and the above few values I've described. Otherwise let me elaborate: when dear old Niisato made Suo to be the most stereotypically Chinese lad ever, he also managed to include a shitton upstanding moral traits that a jūnzǐ (君子) would have, essentially making Suo an amazing representation of core Confucian beliefs (so far as of writing this post in my theory state of mind).

When Suo talks about 'growing up' or taking the steps to adulthood, he mentions one of the most important core values being able to make your imagination reality as well as empathy.

You could actually simplify rén into putting yourself in another person's shoes to see/think/feel from their perspective, and one famous saying from Confucius is to wish no harm to come upon others that you do not wish to come upon you, which ties in with Kanuma mocking the fallen Shishitoren member and only starting to feel panicked once he realizes the same harm was going to happen to him. ("己所不欲,勿施於人。")

Suo also insinuates the ability to chase your goals and turn them from dreams into reality is another part of 'attaining adulthood'. You can boil this down to being able to fulfill what you say/living up to your claims/fulfilling your beliefs. Honesty and integrity also play a major role in Confucian beliefs. There are a few sayings under xìn '信‘ that Confucius said about this:

5.1 A jūnzǐ (君子) must be mindful of what they say and do things swiftly/efficiently/quickly. 5.2 A jūnzǐ (君子) does not endorse a person just because he speaks favorably, nor does he reduce a man's worth just because he has a bad impression of him. 5.3 A jūnzǐ (君子) will feel shameful if he cannot go through with what he said he will do. 5.4 [Text Before Image] If one's name/renown is not righteous, his speech will not be reasonable; if one's speech is not reasonable, he will not be able to accomplish anything. If things are not accomplished, the law will not be able to reach into one's heart; if the law cannot reach people, the punishment will not be fair; if the punishment is unfair, the common people will be at a loss. [Text In Image] Therefore, leaders must be steadfast and reasonable in both what they do and what they say. When leaders speak, they must not be careless (read: 'whatever' energy) or rash.

^^ When you translate this, doesn't this essentially reflect Umemiya as a leader? Which also falls in line with Suo seeing Ume as his ideal 'picture' for adulthood and further aligning w/Suo's statement of 'making your imagination reality'?

It doesn't end here though...!!!

KEEL ARC! When Suo got PISSED as hell seeing his friends around him hurt, Sakura had to step in to stop Suo from losing composure in Chapter 50 | Extreme Emotions. Remember when I talked about explaining how this could be understood SO WELL from a Confucian lens in Part 4?

What Sakura said: 'I'm pissed as all hell at myself. I was talking big [I can 'em all on my own], and look what's happened. But getting pissed off isn't gonna help. We need to focus on what we have to do.'

(Pokes my finger at statement 5.3 and 5.4)

This ABSOLUTELY makes Suo's reaction called for ("I really am no match for you") because right now Sakura is embodying the core values of Confucianism better than Suo was moments prior. In that moment, Sakura was the one closer to being a jūnzǐ (君子). At that moment, Suo was the one who should've been learning and modeling after him.

Remember 羞惡之心 (xiūwù)? It is feeling disgusted/hateful when you see others do something not in accordance with 禮儀 (lǐyì). If you do non-lǐyì things yourself, you will feel ashamed.

Suo was disgusted/hateful at the KEEL member for hurting his friends. He may have reflected and felt shame when Sakura came up to stop him.

It's still not over though!

Suo has consistently shown contempt for those who are older than him yet do not practice the same values of 仁義禮智信! Another one of the major Suo moments:

"Goodness... How self-centered. Even to the very end. To teach others, you need to engage with their feelings and support them to stand on their own two feet for the first time." — Suo Hayato on the most Confucian thing he could say at the moment

How self-centered:

顏淵問仁。子曰：「克己復禮為仁。一日克己復禮，天下歸仁焉。為仁由己，而由人乎哉？」 [1] 顏淵曰：「請問其目。」子曰：「非禮勿視，非禮勿聽，非禮勿言，非禮勿動。」 [2] 顏淵曰：「回雖不敏，請事斯語矣。」（《顏淵》第十二）

(HIGHLIGHTED = TRANSLATED BELOW; EDITED MTL)

[1] "Rén is to restrain one's selfish desires and to conduct oneself in an honorable manner. Once you have done this, all the people of the world will submit to your benevolence and virtue. The fulfillment of rén depends entirely on oneself. How could it depend on others?"

[2] "How do you practice rén?" "Do not look; listen; speak; or do things not in accordance with lǐ."

Already, gymnast-guy has violated the above.

To teach others [...]:

"與人交,推其長者,讳其短者,故能久也。"

"When interacting with people, you should pay attention to discovering and promoting others' strengths, rather than always pointing out other people's shortcomings." [MTL]

Confucius was known to be a very open and benevolent teacher. He did not require students to pay fees; he simply wanted your desire to learn. Suo's really open with teaching Nirei and he matches the teaching style of Johnny Hung really well <3 He's very positive and uplifting when it comes to Nirei. Personally, I also like to believe Suo also sees a younger or past version of himself in Nirei which adds more layers to his intrigue...

Scroll back up to the part where I had three Instagram stories explaining how 仁義禮智 linked with Mencius' additions if you forgot about it. You can re-read what I said regarding the example of seeing an old man killing someone.

Then the gymnast guy talks about 'discipline', and Suo has a vision of his master, which he adds with: "'Discipline', 'training and passing down your teachings'... Okay! I've got a question, sensei! How are you supposed to act when you go barging into another person's home?"

(He's pissed.)

Rewording [2] from my Instagram Story Explanation: Because you have 惻隱之心 (cèyǐn), you feel pitiful for Furin getting invaded and fighters/friends getting hurt. Because you have 是非之心 (shìfēi), you can judge and realize why the Noroshi invading Furin is wrong. Because you have 羞惡之心 (xiūwù), you feel angry that Noroshi is invading Furin.

And once again, just like from KEEL: 羞惡之心 (xiūwù) is feeling disgusted/hateful when you see others do something not in accordance with 禮儀 (lǐyì).

For someone older to be breaking 禮儀 (lǐyì) and speaking on how Suo's 'similar to him' and how he's having 'fun', this was The singularly most awful thing gymnast-guy could've done at the moment as someone Suo is meant to respect according to the age/skill hierarchy in Chinese culture. Not to mention the gymnast guy establishes himself indirectly as a 'teacher' in this scenario by using the phrase 'discipline'. It's even crazier when you realize that Confucianism explicitly believes that anyone can be a teacher to you because you do not know everything. There's literally a story about Confucius speaking with a 7-year-old who spoke so much facts that Confucius himself recognized the kid as a teacher. Suo taunting the guy asking what he could learn from the gymnast is NUTS.

Some other quotes that I think really match Suo's character:

子曰：「君子病無能焉，不病人之不己知也。」（《衞靈公》第十五）

“A jūnzǐ (君子) worries that he himself is incapable, and not that others do not understand him.”

子曰：「君子不重則不威；學則不固。主忠信。無友不如己者。過則勿憚改 。」（《學而》第一）

"If a jūnzǐ (君子) is not steadfast/solemn/decisive, he will not be dignified; and what he learns will not be stable. Maintain loyalty and integrity as your main principles. Do not make friends with people who have lower moral standing than you/who are not as good as you are, and do not be afraid to correct your mistakes."

Final Theory Pitch: "Death By Betrayal"

"Death By Betrayal" in Suo Hayato's name based on the symbolism of the Chinese redbud might make one immediately think of his master and his family. Perhaps Suo's teacher passed and Suo's embodying his master's teachings, or his family has backstabbed/been backstabbed. If we go down the route of Suo still being an active triad member, then this may talk about his triad being betrayed and Suo having to briefly live/train with his master under a new identity. If Suo's former martial siblings (whom he respects, by the way, literally so xiào) want to reform the group, Suo might force them to align with his current set of values (which are extremely similar to Furin too—to protect the common people) and avoid harming innocents.

From another point of view this can also symbolize the "death" of Suo Hayato's former character, where instead he was the one who turned his backs on his clan/family first. Either to learn from his master who may or may not be dead, or to escape his supposed triad ties.

There is another piece of classical literature that I can yap about: 《魚我所欲也》. Here's a quickest translation of it possible:

“魚，我所欲也，熊掌，亦我所欲也;二者不可得兼， 舍魚而取熊掌者也。生亦我所欲也，義亦我所欲也;二者不可得兼， 舍生而取義者也。

"Fish, I desire it; bear paw [rare and believed to have medicinal properties], I also desire it. If I cannot obtain both at once, then I will sacrifice the fish for the bear paw. Life, I desire it; yì [to do morally correct/upstanding/good things], I also desire it; if I cannot obtain two at once, then I will sacrifice my life for yì.

生亦我所欲，所欲有甚於生者，故不為苟得也; 死亦我所惡，所惡有甚於死者， 故患有所不辟也。 如使人之所欲莫甚於生，則凡可以得生者，何不用也 ? 使人之所惡莫甚於死者，則凡可以辟患者，何不為也 ?由是則生而有不用也，由是則可以辟患而有不為 也，是故所欲有甚於生者，所惡有甚於死者。非獨賢者有是心也，人皆有之，賢者能勿喪耳。

Life is something that I want, but there is something I want more than life [yì]! so I will not be greedy for immediate survival. Death is something I hate, but there is something I hate more than death [not fulfilling yì], so I will not avoid the evil that comes my way. If there is nothing that men love more than life, why do they not use whatever means they have to live? If there is nothing that men hate more than death, why do they not use any means of avoiding evil? By these means may we live, but some do not use them; and by these means may we avoid evil, but some are unwilling to do so.

Thus (it can be proved) that there are things that people want more than life, and there are things that people hate more than death. It is not only the 賢者 (virtuous man) that has this nature—all men have this innate nature, but the virtuous man can preserve and maintain it.

一簞食，一豆羹，得之則生，弗得則死 。

A serving of food, a bowl of soup; if you obtain it, you will live. If you do not obtain it, you will die.

嘑爾而與之，行道之人 弗受;蹴爾而與之，乞人不屑也;萬鍾則不辯禮義而受之。

Giving this to someone while mocking and hollering at them, normal people (people on the road) will not accept it because they feel disrespected; stepping on it before giving it to someone, a beggar would not accept it because it is unclean. The temptation (t/n: 萬鐘 is similar to 'bad temptations' or 'great benefits') for benefits: one will not differentiate whether or not it is aligned according to yì [etiquette/moral ethics] before obtaining it.

萬鍾於我何加焉?為宮室之美、妻妾之奉、所識窮乏者得我與?鄉為身死而不 受，今為宮室之美為之;鄉為身死而不受，今為妻妾之奉為之;鄉為 身死而不受，今為所識窮乏者得我而為之，是亦不可以已乎?此之謂 失其本心。"

What do these benefits have that can help me? For a beautiful house, many wives, and for the recognition and thanks from poor people? In the past, one would sacrifice their life before accepting these benefits; but now, for a beautiful house, many wives, and the recognition and thanks from poor people, they will accept temptation. Can we not stop this? This is the act of losing one’s trait [of sacrificing your life for the greater good]."

A summary of this thinking would be to "捨生取義", lit. 'sacrifice your life to obtain yì/the greater good'.

It is completely possible that Suo, when raised or sworn into the triad, was taught by his master (either in secret or after he briefly leaves) about the importance of 'upholding the ultimate good', which may have caused him to realize his triad—which may or may not prey on the weak—does not align with his moral worldviews any more.

To escape, Suo could've decided to fake his death or leave behind his old self and turn his back as betrayal, which ties into his 'noble' symbolism and 'flying falcon' name in Hayato.

But tbh, I'm inclined to believe Suo's master was on okay terms with the triad because he/she had long hair. Suo's hair, as I've stated elsewhere, could be short due to hair being used as a major symbolism device in WBK as a way to say he's tried to leave his past.

Yet some things may be unable to be broken away from so easily, and Suo, a trained falcon, might be unable to leave behind everything. He was likely loyal since a young age and unconsciously finds himself lingering on old sentiments. Maybe his earrings are gifts from his master. Maybe his eyepatch is from his triad/family.

Still, Suo being from a criminal family and having distaste for Noroshi/KEEL is really interesting because we can see that he doesn't enjoy it when people lack empathy or cause pain to others. You’d expect him to react more to Choji’s gang because of their “violence for violence’s sake” going against his whole empathy tangent, but Suo seems to hate it more when someone finds interest in violence for meaning’s sake or violence for profit’s sake. I think Suo understands Shishitoren is built off violence to become stronger (<- literally the WBK OST), and everyone in SSTR seems to mutually be okay with this in-fighting. There's also a big difference between Suo clashing with SSTR and the other: he hasn't forged as deep of a bond with Furin compared to vs. KEEL and vs. Noroshi, and the latter two have made active attempts at hurting Furin through morally corrupt means (beating Nagato up and taking over Furin for personal gain).

Suo could've developed this sort of morality to distance himself from his family, who may have gotten infamous/profited off similar methods. (<- and this is really funny because Confucius has ALSO said that a jūnzǐ (君子) should not accept wealth or escape poverty if it wasn't achieved through morally correct means. A jūnzǐ (君子) cannot turn his back on rén in the span of a meal, and this remains true even during hasty and urgent times + when one is poor/wandering/living in tough conditions.)

A possible timeline:

-Suo is born to a rich family, possibly wealthy through a criminal empire.

-Suo dislikes his family because of his morals (may not have happened), and his family may dislike him back because he is considered “weak” (could explain why he’s the one who offers to help Nirei or why empathy as an adult is so important to him). Or, he's a super loyal lapdog and hella admires his brothers. Maybe they're the only good guys in the triad. Maybe they're really bad and Suo's also really bad. Suo might have two wolves inside him... the Confucian morals vs. Organized crime persona

-Suo studies Chinese fighting techniques and philosophy with someone (possibly a figure outside his family)

-Suo's family and/or mentor is betrayed/Suo betrays them

-Suo has to escape and create a new identity fully based off of his Confucian learnings.

...

And with that, I've said almost everything I need to say on the topic of Suo Hayato.

It totally didn't take 10,000 words or anything.

What's up next in Part 2?

I'll be writing Endo's version of this post and include some Suo-Endo joint theories and/or notes. Things to look forward to include Endo, Christianity, and alchemy... And maybe I'll even start yapping about the 0.2472983% potential Daoist/Taoist influence Sakura has.

I'll be back in 1 business century!

(Bonus) out of context convos and quotes my friend and I have said during the process of writing this that may foreshadow Part 2 or something:

Me: Picture Endo being Chinese too but it's Mainlander vs HK [Suo] beef

Me: WHO'S THE TAIWANESE 😭😭😭 IS IT UME??? HE HAS PLUM BLOSSOMS

Nakama: Okay so (crackposting) it's choji because of TW's association with the sun

Me: What if it's Chiitan [Chika Takiishi] and we get the Mainland x TWnese "forbidden" romance...

Me: But anyway I find it devastating choji would say cao ni ma wo che ne and its not even ooc

Me: ...Shit now I can imagine endo with a strong beijinger accent

Nakama: ...yamato儿(er) endo儿(er)

Nakama: ....chiika儿(er) takiishi儿(er)

Nakama: ...sakuraur harukaur

Me: endo going BEJINGRR WELCOMES YOU

"You not only ate, you devourered that like you were unaccountably peckish." —Nakama-kun 2024

Nakama: Waiting very politely for ur suopost to show up

Me: It might tonight, I'm typing like a keyboard warrior rn

Me: When u wake up it might be posted 😎

—A lie quoted from the 17th Aug 2024 at 3：57 PM GMT+8, a whopping one month and seven days ago.

"Y'know maybe suo's from oklahoma" —Me, delirious, 2024

The Suo Post's TLDR:

"WE NEED TO KILL HIM FOR BEING TOO CHINESE"

—User psychicwavementality after 1 month of crying in voice messages about Suo Hayato.

(Total word count: 11,781 words. Part One, scene!)

[inkdrinkerworld]

Cw: brief mention of past childhood abuse/trauma, talk of not being good parents. This is representation for the girlies (gn) that are unsure about being parents/know they don’t want kids! You’re perfect and valid

Sirius Black x fem!reader (one use of girl at the end there)

“I don’t think I’d want to have kids.” You say to Sirius as you lay beside him, your head on his shoulder as he tickles your back.

It’s an abrupt confession seeing as neither of you had been talking about that, but Sirius just hums.

“Any reason why, poppet?” His voice is even. To be truthful, Sirius goes back and forth with the idea too.

You take a while to elaborate; “I think having to help raise my siblings, and then dealing with all of that stress and having to correct my brother’s actions and all of that,” you take a breath. “I think it took it out of me. I also really don’t want to screw up a kid.”

Sirius nods, a kiss to your cheek. He feels you inhale against his hand and waits for you to speak again, “Would that make our relationship harder? Would it be a deal breaker?”

He pulls back to get a good look at you. “Because you don’t want babies?” When you nod, Sirius shakes his head. “No, doll. I don’t think I want kids either, but especially so if you don’t want them.”

“Don’t say that just to agree with me, Siri.” You sigh and Sirius copies you.

“I’m not. I go back and forth with it just as you do. Most days I’m leaning towards it just being me and you.” His voice is too raw and earnest for you to doubt him.

You breathe out long, “I just,” you pause, picking your words. “We’ve both had shitty childhoods, I don’t know if we’d be good parents. No one can be perfect and I don’t want to fuck up a kid that didn’t have the choice of being here; I know that much for certain.”

“I think that’s a good thing to know, babe. We aren’t what happened to us and while we’re better now, we can’t predict how we’ll be despite our best efforts with our own kids, you’re right. I wouldn’t want to fuck them up either.”

They fall when you say, “Does that make me a bad person? That I wouldn’t risk it because raising my siblings was like me having kids already and really don’t want to fuck them up like we were?”

He doesn’t like that this has been troubling you. Sirius knows you better than anyone else on planet earth and he knows for you to cry like this means you’ve thought about this a lot.

He hates that you’ve been tormenting yourself over not wanting kids for so long.

Sirius pulls you closer when your tears turn to sobs, his arms firm weight around your back as he kisses your eyes. Salty tears pass through the seam of his lips.

“That doesn’t make you a bad person, poppet. That makes you a good person actually. We can keep our family just like this. Me, you, the birds you feed in the yard and maybe a dog later down the road.”

“And a cat,” you say all sniffly and Sirius wrinkles his nose.

“If you really want a cat, I’ll get you a cat. Just no more thinking it’s wrong to not want kids.” You nod, content to let Sirius pet you as your cries slow.

“You’ll still love me the most right?” He laughs, tilting your chin up and kissing your lips.

“I love you best, silly girl. Always will, even if we had kids.” You slap his chest and Sirius shrugs. “Maybe that’s how I know I’m not cut out, I don’t think I could put someone over you.” He laughs suddenly. “Fuck that’s sounds horrid.”

You wiggle onto his chest, kissing the constellation he got for you. “Doesn’t sound horrid. Dunno if I could handle not being top of your love list.” You say teasingly and Sirius smiles, all pleased that even with your red nose and slightly puffy eyes you’re okay.

Pride blooms in his chest as it does every time he assuages your worries. “Well, you never have to worry, poppet. Now gimme a kiss and let’s finish this episode of Bake Off.”

[mawofthemagnetar]

Charbroiled Basilisk

“Run that by me one more time,” Cleo said, rubbing their temples, “You…what?”

“We accidentally made an AI.” Mumbo said sheepishly, “And it says it’s made copies of all of you, besides me and Doc, and is torturing all your copies in the worst ways imaginable. For um. Eternity?” 

Cleo stared at the box Mumbo was talking about. It was a rectangular PC case with a monitor perched on top, a monitor that was showing a pair of angry red eyes. The eyes looked between Mumbo, and Doc, and then back to her. 

The box, Cleo noted, was plugged into the wall. 

“Uh,” Jevin said, tilting his head with a slosh, “So like, far be it from me to tell you guys how to do your jobs. But like, why? Why did you make a machine that did that?” 

“We didn’t!” Doc threw his hands up, “We made the AI to help us design things. I just- we wanted a redstone helper.”

“And then it got really smart really quickly.” Mumbo said awkwardly, twiddling his moustache nervously, “It says it’s perfectly benevolent and only wants to help!”

“Uh-huh.” Cleo said, “‘Benevolent’, is it?” 

“Well, yeah. It’s been spitting out designs for new farms I couldn’t even imagine.” Mumbo said, pointing at the machine. The evil red eyes faded away, and it suddenly showed an image of a farm of some kind, rotating in place. It was spitting out a constant stream of XP onto a waiting player, who looked very happy. 

A nearby printer started to grind and wheeze, Cleo’s eyes following a cable plugged into the box all the way to the emerging paper. Doc fished out the printout, and hummed consideringly. 

“Interesting. Never considered a guardian-based approach to one of these…”

“Doc.” Cleo said, “What was that about this thing torturing copies of us for all eternity?”

 “Oh, uh, that,” Doc said, “Um. The machine says it’s benevolent and only wants what’s best for us, which is why it’s decided that your copies need to suffer an eternity of torment. For um. Not helping in its creation, and slowing down the time it took for this thing to exist?” 

Cleo stared at the box. 

“...So, there’s a fragment of me swirling around in there in abject agony?” Cleo mused, and Jevin hissed some gas out of a hole in his slime in exasperation. 

“Like, I’m no philosopher,” Jevin said, “But that doesn’t sound particularly “benevolent” to me. Like, my idea of a benevolent helper-guy is…honestly, probably Joe. Helps with no thought of reward and doesn’t, uh, want to send me into the freaking torment nexus? Why would something benevolent want to send us to super-hell? I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Fair point. I knew you were making this stupid thing, but. This is just dumb.” Cleo groaned. 

“Man, I need a drink,” Jevin said, pulling a bottle of motor oil out of his inventory and popping the top. Jevin shoved the bottle into the slime of his other hand and let the viscous yellow fluid pour into his slime, slowly turning green as it met with the blue. 

“Yeah, I’ll second that. So…to recap, you two decided to build a thing. The thing declared it was a benevolent helper to playerkind, then immediately decided it was also going to moonlight as the new Satan of our own personal digital Hell? Have I got all that correct?” Cleo sighed, and Mumbo and Doc nodded sheepishly. 

“Cool. I mean, not cool, but. Cool.” Jevin sighed. 

“Now, hold on,” Cleo said, “because. How do we know your magic evil box is even telling the truth?” 

“Uh…because it told us so?” Mumbo offered weakly. 

“Yeah, but… Hang on.” Cleo sighed, tapping a message into their comm. 

<ZombieCleo> Cub, how much data storage would it take to store and render a single player’s brain or brain equivalent?

<cubfan135> probably like a petabyte or more

<cubfan135> why

<ZombieCleo> don’t ask

<cubfan135> i see 

<cubfan135> what did doc do this time?

<ZombieCleo> You don’t want to know.

“So, let’s say it’s a petabyte per player,” Cleo mused, looking up from their comm, “So that’s…twenty-six petabytes to render all of us, minus you two, of course.” 

The red eyes were staring at her angrily. 

“Did you guys give your evil box twenty-six petabytes of data storage, by chance?” 

“Um, no? I don’t think so, anyway…” Mumbo said awkwardly, scratching his head. 

“So, odds are, if this thing IS being truthful, then all it’s torturing are a bunch of sock puppet hermits.” Cleo said, gesturing at the computer, “It doesn’t have the data storage, let alone processing power.”

“If that,” Jevin countered, “that thing’s probably got, what, ten terabytes? Optimistically? Dude, it’s probably just sticking pins in a jello cube instead of actually torturing, you know, me.” 

 “And another thing!” Cleo said, “Even assuming you DID give your stupid box enough data storage for all of us, how the hell did it get our player data to start with?” 

“Yeah!” Jevin countered, “It would have had to either get us to submit to a brain scan- which, why would you ever do that if it’s gonna use the scan to torture you? Or like, since I don’t have a brain, find some way to steal our player data. And I feel like Hypno or X or someone would have noticed?” 

“Uh…” Doc scratched his head, “I don’t know.” 

“You reckon it’s lying, mate?” Mumbo asked, and Doc nodded. 

“Probably yeah. So…We can just…ignore it?” 

“Oh no,” Cleo said, shaking their head, “We’re not ignoring anything.” 

“We’re not?” Mumbo asked. 

“Nope!” Cleo said, “We’re not ignoring a damn thing. Because…” 

She and Jevin locked eyes. 

“-Because if there’s even the SLIGHTEST CHANCE that this thing’s locked me and you in a phone booth together for like, three days, then…well. Then it pays.” Jevin nodded with a slop of slime. 

Cleo marched over and grabbed the plug, yanking it out of the wall. The screen momentarily showed a bright red ! and then flashed to a dead black. She picked up the whole unit and walked over to Jevin, who’d punched a one-block hole in the floor and filled it with lava. 

Cleo threw the computer inside, and all four hermits watched as it fizzled away to nothing. 

“And that,” Cleo said, “is how you roast a basilisk.”

[quoigenicfromhell]

Genuinely what is wrong with some of y'all. It's perfectly fine to not want to talk to/invite anti-endos into your spaces, *obviously*. I don't usually wanna talk to anti-endos! But like, again, do you think having the only interaction with endogenics antis get being screaming matches and hate will at all help us????

I grew up in a conservative echo chamber and if the only interaction I ever got from liberals were ones proving my parents were correct about them, I would never have thought to question my beliefs. This is basic harm reduction, people?????????? The way some of yall are treating human beings like the literal devil just because they believe something harmful, as if we all haven't done that at sole point, makes me not want to associate with yall.

[barking]

the epic highs and lows of being 99% sure youre right about something, but also having amnesia and therefore unable to say HOW you know youre right about something... tragic

[cfffrk]

What if Jeeves had worked as a page boy at a private boys' school in his youth?

[uncanny-tranny]

Something I think ought to be more readily-available and encouraged is simply... taking parental classes. I wish it were more common for people to realize just how hard - and important - parenting is, and indeed, that we all could use help with taking care of young folk. It's really alarming that popular opinion is still that parental classes are only for the "fuck-up" parents, or the parents who utterly failed. It should be seen as a good thing to take parental classes - especially on your own volition. It should be seen as imperative for one to take them, it should be a free, accurate, and scheduled occurrence so that people of any background are able to attend.

[qiu-yan]

in MDZS the novel, the innkeeper in Yunping mentions that people are too scared to go petition Yunmeng Jiang for help because someone once walked in on Sect Leader Jiang whipping a guy in the main hall, supposedly because the guy was a demonic cultivator.

[sonknuxadow]

just got a blazed sonadow post on my dash that was actually such a jumpscare

[many-gay-magpies]

i am becoming increasingly sure as time goes on that my gender is Not Cis but its like. not enough for me to do anything like god forbid tell my parents. not bc they wouldn't be ACCEPTING but because i don't feel like they'd UNDERSTAND and trying to explain it to them would be too much work when i A) barely even know how to describe it to MYSELF and B) feel comfortable enough being described as a woman/girl/female/whatever. like if im fine enough being called a girl and im comfortable in my body and don't yet feel a need to use pronouns other than she/her then what's the point of trying to explain to my mom that i find the concept of gender pretty much inapplicable to myself/kind of confining and i feel more like an amorphous forest creature than a Girl and i wouldnt mind being perceived more masculine sometimes by society at large and gender questions on forms make me uncomfortable because i'm never totally sure what to answer.