#because i havent slept in over 40 hours

[melodicbones]

Thinking about that one sound that goes like:

Person A: I'm definitely the one that's in charge in the relationship

Person B: Babe, stand up.... sit down.... look over here..... Hmm. Interesting

A (Having followed every direction): Aaanyways, watch this. Babe, can you bring the car around please?

B: Of course my love

Thinking about how that is very much desertduo

[yeongrak]

have you ever considered compiling a sample pack/have ever made one in the past? im really curious about where you get alot of the stuff you use and id like to also make my own scary wet meat anime girl music

i havent actually considered making a sample pack no but i can do something that in my opinion is probably more useful and tell you what i use and where/how i get it: https://www.sounds-resource.com/ you can get entire sfx and voice packs from a ton of games here and thats where an absolute ton of the sounds i use come from, especially the packs from MDK, unreal, quake, misadventures of tron bonne, xyanide, spyro, and very commonly ape escape and 40 winks.

actually here is a kind of "soundfont" (not an actual one just wavs of the dif samples that make up the psflib file) i ripped from the .psf's of the ape escape ost that im gonna ul cause it was a bit annoying to do https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rwsGC1Xf1ltNDgcbyAFODAaJOAEkH50j/view?usp=drive_link its not all of the tracks though just the ones i wanted

the acapellas you can find by just looking for kpop acapellas or covers of them on youtube or soundcloud, if they sound too clean you can try detuning them a wee bit by fucking them up with an autotuner, layering some white noise underneath it and exporting them at a really low bitrate (recommend using .amr or .spx especially if you have something like xmedia recode that gives you a lot of control over the quality - i've managed to crush sound files down to 2kbps with that and the effect it has on vocals is really interesting)

the other big thing is just my own tracks, a huge portion of my stuff for the last 5 years or so has been me taking a track of mine, chucking it into renoise and either slowing it down or speeding it up an octave and using that as a base to build off of (if its minimal enough you dont even need to change the speed), because you can trigger samples at dif points in renoise and a sample can be just an entire track - you can end up making it sound quite dynamic by just changing the start point of the sample and the entire base of the sound has changed. really you can do this with any music and i dont mind if you want to use my music to do this, you dont even have to credit me although im not sure how this might work in other daws.

i like cutting chunks of the beginnings and ends of squishy/vomity noises, layering rhythms, using really flat and lifeless sounding percussion, using long almost-unedited samples from genres that are very different to the one im making, i use a synth called jellyfish and synplant a lot

im just now realizing after ive written all this that not only does this only really apply to stuff ive made in the last couple of years and may not apply to stuff you're asking about that could be older, but this is not what you asked,you didnt ask for a whole ass fucking tutorial on how i make my music and i could not be more sorry, but this is the best i can do as i have started adjusting to some new meds and slept about 2 hours in the last 3 days. ive let you down and i will never be the same

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for the Avengers’ days off

Avengers x reader

warnings: stabbing mention lmao, guns

a/n:

prompt: anonymous: “can we have a y/n just chilling with all the avengers?”

over the years, it was hard to have a peaceful day off, but sometimes that was the priority

each avenger had a preference on what they liked to spend their free time on

but we all know that there’s never a true stress-free day when it comes to your team

most of you preferred sleeping in, but not cap or sam, it was 6:00am sharp for them

you had begged tony to soundproof this place, but noooo

“it’s just not practical, what if someone’s being stabbed? what if we cant hear them yelling for help?”

so you could hear the clattering of the kitchen and buried your face into your pillow

sooner or later you’d roll out of bed and find breakfast had been cooked for the whole team

“‘morning, y/n! we made eggs, toast, bacon, waffles, and cut up some fruit! here’s your plate and here’s some juice”

“oh, wow, smells great”

it could’ve been worse, at least there were no coffee grounds in the disposal so you didn’t have to hear tony complain

speaking of tony, he emerged from the hallway in his silk robe with bags under his eyes

“well, i dont know about you guys, but i slept great!”

“how many hours of sleep did you get, tony?”

“you know, like...two”

sooner or later, the rest of the avengers had been woken up and everyone gathered in the living room to watch the news and talk about their plans

“can we watch something other than the news? i’d honestly be down to watch spongebob, anyone else?” -rhodey

you were in charge of the remote

“hell yeah, i thought you’d never ask”

this full group of adults peacefully watching nickelodeon together until everyone was finished

now there was a pile of dishes in the sink and a very dirty kitchen but everyone just kind of forgot about it and went on to other things

so what relaxed the avengers?

well, most of them liked to train, but they had other hobbies too

like steve, he liked to draw (every once in a while he showed you his sketches and they’re honestly really good?? especially the redraw of a monkey in the ‘40s)

sometimes he even asked you to model poses for him

“just another minute, y/n, you’re doing great”

*you standing on one shaking leg in a kick position*

steve made u draw with him

“it’s therapeutic”

you left your art in his room and now it’s hung up on the fridge

and then there was tony, who was working on some new inventions that you were a bit worried about

you snuck past the lab, but FRIDAY told him that you were near

“y/n! come help me with this really quick!”

“damn, so close”

“can you try this on and shoot it at that target over there?”

“why cant you do this?”

“because your body is able to ‘take the heat’ or whatever that dumb catchphrase you have is”

luckily it worked, but “not good enough” and you ended up helping tony hold the thing in place while he worked

“so, how’s your day off going so far? do anything fun?”

“hung out with steve while he was working on some sketches”

“so i’m going to take that as a ‘no’”

tony relieving you of your duties so that you could roam the compound once more

hearing wanda play guitar!! you loved hearing her play!

“knock knock”

“come in”

you laid in her bed for a while and listened to her soothing voice, it made up for tony’s lab assistant thing

“do you know what’s for lunch?”

“i think today’s special is ‘serve yourself’”

you and wanda went off to the kitchen to make macaroni and cheese (because why not??? im about to make my own mac and cheese)

(also u made tony a pb&j bc u knew damn well he wasn’t coming out of that lab for a while) (u gave him lightly salted chips too bc he needs to cut down on his sodium)

“tony, eat lunch”

“aww, for me? you shouldn’t have”

yall think wanda watches shameless?? bc i kinda do and these are my headcanons so she watches shameless

“we’re more unstable than the gallaghers, they should make a show about us”

she almost choked on her mac and cheeseeee

“keeping up with the avengers”

“‘tony, what the fuck is up with your wifi, you have this big-ass compound and you can’t afford a wifi box out here?’”

“‘it’s not about affording, it’s about radiation’”

“‘you’re gonna die anyway! you understand that, right? die with a good snapchat going through!’”

nearly pissing yourself laughing

but vision asked wanda a favor and you wandered off to another part of the compound

ah, yes, the training room

clint, nat, sam, and rhodey were all in here; it was target practice day

“y/n, grab a gun and get over here!”

“a gun? let’s teach y/n some archery”

“nobody wants to learn archery, clint”

“what? you said you wanted to”

“yeah, but you never taught me”

“well, i can teach you right now”

“fine, let’s go!”

red-wing flew very close to your head

“watch out, y/n!” -sam

“dude, you’re gonna kill them” -rhodey

“seems like now is a bad time?”

everyone was just kind of bickering as per usual, you were just a teeny bit bored

but sam agreed to a round of hand-to-hand combat that really relaxed you

no, really, the best stress reliever is a peaceful fight between your roommates

you were kinda glad it wasn’t nat you were fighting because she’d probably put you on the mat twice a minute

soon, each of you worked up a sweat and you went to your private bathroom to take a shower

there was always hot water at the avengers compound, so that was a comforting thought

after you were out, you got dressed into some cozy pajamas and walked out to the kitchen, where wanda and vision were making dinner

a few avengers were already out on the couches, just watching the tv

you joined them and suggested that they should all watch a movie tonight

“what kind of movie?”

“i dont know? hot tub time machine?”

everyone agreed

and side eyed steve when sebastian stan popped up on screen

“guys, i really dont see the resemblance! cant we just watch the movie?”

“are you blind??”

“his 90 year old eyes deceive him”

it was a good dinner

“sam, you stink”

“i havent taken a shower yet”

what a loving family

[brynfelan]

I posted 1,373 times in 2021

358 posts created (26%)

1015 posts reblogged (74%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 2.8 posts.

I added 574 tags in 2021

#brainrot - 290 posts

#the idnek and bryn show - 48 posts

#answered - 44 posts

#ask game - 41 posts

#look it's rae! - 35 posts

#multi-fandom-trashbin - 28 posts

#kuzuhina - 28 posts

#danganronpa - 27 posts

#drabble - 18 posts

#what comes next - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#listen i know i should be writing but i havent slept in 36 hours and i need to stay awake for at least 4 more hours lest i wake up at 3am so

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

February 12th: Aesthetic

it turns out i can’t stop drawing soudam HUGGING. i love them SO MUCH. anyway, happy dangantines! enjoy!

sidenote: i know we’re all gushing over nagito with a ponytail, but PONYTAIL KAZUICHI is doing things for me that i didn’t know it would

39 notes • Posted 2021-02-12 21:20:16 GMT

#4

Whaddup, I forgot about day 2 of dangantines so here’s a cheeky little doodle of my BOYS (it’s meant to be just after Gundham wakes up, but could also be taken as during Despair or something like that). Have a good week I have NO idea what I’m doing tomorrow!

39 notes • Posted 2021-02-08 17:12:31 GMT

#3

i’m very upset that kuzuhina isn’t very popular because all i want is to sink 4 hours of my life into reading a balls long slowburn fic of them but it doesn’t exist on ao3 and i simply refuse to use wattpad. ff.net has provided no results or the highly specific thing that i want. my own fic is painful to read. aaaaaaaaa

42 notes • Posted 2021-02-03 08:20:59 GMT

#2

 kazuichi soda wearing gundham’s big coat that’s it that’s the post thank you

53 notes • Posted 2021-04-17 03:40:41 GMT

#1

ok I'm back with more assumptions: You're favourite trop is mutual pining, you love characters who are angry with a soft spot for one (1) person, your sleep schedule is trash (thats a fact, don't deny it, but your writing also has some chaotic 4am vibes (in a good way)), and you HATE miscommunication (sorry)

1. mutual pining is 100% my favourite trope. i LOVE pining AND yearning. 2. right this is a callout you’re RIGHT but you don’t have to come right out and say it like that. 3. yes. i have never written a single thing before midnight, and do not plan on doing so in the future. 4. miscommunication makes me SO FRUSTRATED and i HATE it but also i love it in fics even though it makes me want to slam both pairs of the ship into a wall and tell them to get their shit together

85 notes • Posted 2021-02-18 23:56:08 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[a-kayy47]

Learning to Live

I never knew how to be on my own until it was the only option I had. My childrens father had pushed me past my limits. I had let a lot slide in our relationship of the last 7 years, the drugs, the cheating, the occasional beatings, but when I came home and find him in OUR bed with his little tart of a girlfriend and drugs in the house I was officially done! That was our one agreement nothing was to come into our home and be around the kids. I silently thanked God for never letting me marry that man. As soon as I walked in and saw that I calmly turned and walked out and into my daughter's room and started packing her stuff. "Anna she doesnt mean anything to me!" Johnny said as he entered Rayne's room. I scoffed "Isn't that what they all say, Johnny you know Im not even mad anymore. We haven't loved each other in a long time and the only reason I've stayed is because I never thought I could make it on my own. But being on my own would never be as bad as watching the father of your children and a man thats supposed to love you do this right in front of you're face." I said folding Rayne's clothes and putting them in her duffle bag. "Come on dont do this! The kids won't understand." Johnny said grabbing my arm and trying to pull me up. "Let go of me Johnny!" I seethed. "You're not taking my kids away from me!" He said tightening his grip on my arm. "Like you spend time with them anyway." I remarked which earned me a backhand to the face. "Go ahead Johnny slap me around some more it wouldnt be the first time, but it'll sure as fuck be the last!" I said through gritted teeth. That earned me a black eye and a bust lip along with a few cracked ribs I'm sure of. After he was done he gotdressed and left for his afternoon shift like nothing ever happened.

Setting against my daughters bed holding my newly brused ribs all I could do was laugh, how could I be so foolish to stay in a relationship with someone like this for so damn long! I had no more tears to cry. I pulled myself up off the floor and went back to packing my daughter's duffle bag, if I wanted to have our stuff packed by the time the kids got home from school I only had a couple hours. I finished packing Rayne's duffle bags and set them by the top of the steps and moved to Jameson's room to start packing his. After I got everything packed I carried the 6 bags down to the garage and packed them into my Tahoe. After putting the bags into the suv, I went and sat on the front steps waiting for the kids to get off the bus.

Three o'clock rolled around and the bus stopped in front of the house. I watched my two beautiful babies get off and run full force towards me. "Hey momma" Jameson my seven year old greeted me as he sat down beside me. "Hey babies how was your day?" I asked trying to be as normal as I could before I completely up rooted their lives. "Good. Momma whats wrong with your eye?" My 5 year old daughter Rayne asked. She's always been the one to notice the little things "Let's go inside babe and I'll explain everything." I told them getting myself up letting out a wince from my ribs being moved.

"What's going on momma?" Rayne asked. Jameson and her looking intensely at me. "I hate to do this to you babies but...we have have to leave. There is a lot about your dad that you don't know and momma feels that this isn't a safe place for you anymore. So we're going to go on a little roadtrip." I told them holding back tears and trying to make this 'little roadtrip' fun. "Where we going?" Jameson asked. "Where do you guys wanna go?" "Let's go see Aunt Brit!" Rayne said excitedly. "Yeah, I miss her and we havent seen her since she lived in Georgia and thats been like 2 years ago." Jameson replied giving me puppy dog eyes. "Well I guess I could give her a call and shee where she living now and if she'd be up for some company for a while." I told the kids. "Yayyy!" The kids high fived and celebrated with each other. "Okay, Now I already packed your clothes so go grab whatever else you want to bring and put it in the duffle bag that's laying on top of your beds. And remember we wont be coming back here for a very long time so get the stuff you absolutely cant live without. While you guys do that I'll call Aunt Brit." I told them and they scurried up the stairs.

Setting at the bottom of the stairs I dialed Britni's number. After three rings I get an answer. "Hello" Brit greets me. "Hey B how ya been?" I asked almost on the brink of tears. Britni and I haven't talk for a couple years ever since she found out about me knowing that Johnny was cheating on me and using drugs to her I was a fucking idiot and derserved better and she wasn't going to sit around and watch it happen. Good thing she didn't know about the occasional beatings. "Annie?! That you?" She asks halfing yelling. "Yeah it's me, this a bad time?" I ask. "Absolutely not! Let me step out of the garage so I can hear ya better. So what's up? How's the kids?" "They're good. But I do have a favor to ask." I tell her getting straight to the point. "Sure, anything for you and those babies!" She told me. "I'm leaving Johnny and I have no where to go." I muttered out feeling ashamed that it's took this long for me to leave. "Baby girl you know you and those kiddos always have a place with me. I'm just glad you finally left that basturd! I'm working at a garage out in Cali and got a two bedroom apartment just around the corner from the shop. You come on out babygirl I got you!" She told me which brought a smile to my face. Knowing that someone that isn't even related to me could be there for me at the drop of a hat. But then again she always has been since kindergarten. " Thank you so much. You don't even know how thankful I am!" I told her. "Shut your mouth bitch and get your ass out here I miss you and the squrits!" Britni said chuckling. "As soon as they come down from packing toys I'll be on the road! We miss you too something fierce." I told her hearing footsteps coming down the stairs. "Okay, I'll text you the address to the shop cause I'm here 75% of the time." She said inhaling sharply. I figured she was taking a smoke break while talking to me. "Awesome love you babe see you soon!" I told her standing up and turning around to see the kids standing there holding their backpacks ready to go. "Love you to babe. I gotta get back to work keep checking in through." She told me sternly. "Promise." I told her and we ended the call.



"Well babes it sounds like we're heading to California!" I told the kids laughing seeing their jaws drop. They've never been further than Georgia and that was the last trip we took. "That's clear across the country!" Jameson explained. "It sure is baby we have a very long trip ahead of us." I told them walking towards the garage. Coming from West Virginia to California was about a 40 hour drive with no stopping. "Alrighty do you have everything you need or want?" I asked one last time before we got settled in the car to start our journey. "Yepp we got everything momma." Rayne answered. "Let's get buckled in then and get going."

By now it was already 5 o'clock and we haven't even left the county. I figured we better stop and fill up with gas and get some snacks and about 10 ice coffees if I was going to drive through the night. By the time we got back on the road I received a text from Brit with the address of the auto shop she was working. Brit may be a bit ditzy but there was one thing that bitch was good at an that was fixing cars. She had the life that I had always wanted. Getting to travel all over, not being tied down, now don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and would go to war for them but it was never in my agenda to have two kids and an a steady boyfriend at 25 but there I was watching my best friend living the life I had always wanted.

After about the fifth hour of being on the road the kids was fast asleep and that gave me time to drown in my thought. Was I really doing this? Where the hell had I grew the balls to leave? I'm on my own rasing two kids. I'm going to be alone forever, no man in his right mind will ever want a plus size single mom with baggage. I mean I'm not huge at least I don't think so but after having two kids and a love for some good food I'm about a good 16,18 jeans of course my big ol' ass and hips takes up most of the room. And if I do say so myself I've got a pretty nice full rack, and have two full sleeves of tattoos which I've always got compliments on. That and my long black hair with my olive complexion is what first attracted Johnny to me. Wait fuck Johnny dont think about that prick. After that thought is when I turned on my favorite station and started to drown out my thoughts.

Stevie Nicks' voice filled the vehicle and pushed all the negitive thoughts out of my head making me focus on her voice and the road. After another 3 hours of driving I decided it was probably a good idea to stop and get a hotel room for the rest of the night.

Pulling into the rundown motel parking lot, I looked back at my two sleeping kids and thanked the lord of giving me such wonderful blessings even though their dad was a dick, they was perfect. Getting out of the car I opened Jameson's door first and gentley nudged him awake. "Wake up baby." I whispered. "Mommy where are we?" Rayne asked waking up rubbing her eyes along with Jameson. "We're at a motel somewhere in Missouri." I told them unbuckling Jameson then moving to Rayne. None of us slept well in that shitty motel but it was better than nothing. The next morning around 10 we got back on the road. I drove for about 12 hours straight that day and only pulling over at a truck stop to sleep. It wasn't that I was really watching my money since I had been saving all of my tips from the salon for the last 12 months for this trip and working at one of the best salons in three county I made bank. It was the fact that I couldn't sleep in hotels, everytime I would fall asleep I would wake back up thinking that Johnny had found us. Not that he would come for me but he'd come for the kids. This driving for 8 sleeping for 8 had become a routine for us for the last couple of days. And was working pretty well.

After four days of driving and sleeping at trucks stops we was finally in Navada. "Alright kids, you can get unbuckled let's go in and get some snacks!" I told them as I got out. Walking in the the gas station I noticed about four bikes on the opposite side of the gas pump's and smiled it had been so long since I'd been on the back of a bike.

"Okay, now you can get whatever you want but remember you have to eat good food before your candy." I told the kids. As they went picking out their snacks I grab a bottle of water and a blue powerade. When I gathered the kids up I noticed two of the bikers were standing in front of us in line. 'Sons of Anarchy' I thought to myself taking in the kutte. Hearing a Scottish accent they drew my interest more, making me think of Brit she was always a sucker for a man with an accent especially a Scottish one. I watched as the men payed for their gas and cigarettes and walked back out to their bike.

Putting our stuff on the counter for the cashier to ring up and prepaying for gas I handed her cash and picked up our bag.

I got the kids settled into their seat and the snacks passed out then I went to pumping gas still kind of being to nosy for my own good. I couldn't help it though there was something about those bikers that drew me in. As I was eavesdropping I heard the sexiest voice I have EVER heard. Peaking over the pump to see where that husky voice was coming from I looked into the darkest eyes I've ever seen and from that moment on I was hooked. All I got was a subtle wink and I was weak in the knees. I finished pumping and got back into the car and immediately called Brit to tell her about this dark eyed mystery man.

000000000000000

"Talk to me. " Brit answered after the third ring. "Holy Shit I think I'm in love!" I said with a smile on my face. "What the fuck are you talking about? You smoking again?" She asked full out laughing. "Bitch this ain't funny I'm dead serious! We locked eyes over the gas pump, his eyes were so dark it was like he was looking straight to my soul!" I told her with excitement. Good thing the kids had their headphones on so they couldn't hear me gushing about this mystery man. "Chick you really are sex deprived aren't you." She replied to the statement. "Yes but thats beside the point, Im fucking serious. Plus he was with a MC, had Sons of Anarchy on his kutte, along with the other three that was with him. And his friend had an Scottish accent so I can bang dark eyes you bang the scot!" I said acting like we was in highschool again making a plan on how to bang these random guys we didnt even know. All I heard on the other like was Holy Shit and Britni laughing hysterically. "Whats so funny bitch?" I asked "Was you in Navada when you seen these guys?" She asked me. "Yeah why?" I replied confused as to how she knew that. "You'll see when you get here horndog." She said laughing and then hung up. I looked at my phone disgusted. What the fuck was this bitch talking about? Now not only can I not get this mystery man out of my head but now Im thinking about what I'll have awaiting me when we get there.

- In Charming

Brit's POV

Hanging up with Annie all I could do was laugh, Bitch had no idea what she was walking into. As I was walking across the lot from the garage to the clubhouse the guys that we had just been talking about pulled in. "Hey baby how was the run?" I asked my ol' man leaning in for a kiss. " Good as can be expected lovey." He answered in that deep Scottish accent I love oh so much. "Whats goin' on here?" He asked wrapping his arm around my shoulders and leading me into the clubhouse. "Well...there is something I need to talk to you all about." I said sweetly. "What did ye do know lovey?" He asked taking the shot of whiskey the prospect gave him. "You remember me talking about my best friend Annie and her kids? And how her kids sperm donor is a piece of shit and beats on her and is a druggie piece of shit?" I asked getting angry and clenching my teeth just thinking about what all he's done to her. "Easy there darlin' might blow a fuse." Tig joked. "I just hate his fucking guts. She deserves so much better." I told them. "Okay well what about her?" Chibs asked trying to get me back on track. "Well she finally left him and she'll be here." I was telling him before my phone interrupted me. "Well actually she's here now." I said with a little chuckle. "Listen don't worry she knows how this life works, we grew up in my Uncle's clubhouse so she knows the part and let me tell ya she plays it way better than me." I said laughing. "Well fellas I guess lets go meet the lass." Chibs said as Happy and Tig followed us out to the lot curious to see whonthis Annie was.

ANNIE'S POV

I pulled into the lot and it was stepping back in time. It reminded me so much of Uncle Tommy's clubhouse. "Alright darlings we're here." I said letting out a breath I didnt realize I was holding. "Mommy why are we here?" Jameson asked. "This is where Aunt Brit works. We have to meet her here first then we'll follow her to her house." I explained to both of them. While the kids were getting unbuckled I quickly checked my hair and put on some mascara and chapstick. I took one more quick glance in the mirror and saw Britni followed by three guys making their way toward us. I decided it was time to get out, as I got out I pulled the distressed demin shorts down a little in the front so they wouldnt look so short and pulled my shirt up a little so I wasn't showing so much cleavage. "Bitch!!" I heard as I was opening the back door for the kids to get out. I automatically got a huge grin as soon as I heard her voice I had been to damn long since I had seen my best friend. I turned around and immediately stopped when I seen him. It was him dark eyes from the gas station! I was frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest! As I stood standing there like an idiot the kids took off running to Britni.

"Hey kiddos! You've gotten so big look at you!" Britni said talking a good look at them.

"I'm seven now Aunt Brit!" Jameson told her a little cocky. "Well you're almost a man!" Brit said with a slight chuckle. When I heard her laugh I snapped out of my trance and started paying attention to the exchanges between my children and the Aunt they haven't seen in years. "And look at you babygirl I can't believe how beautiful you are! I'm so glad you took after your mother and not your ugly ass daddy." She said laughing and looked at me. I just rolled my eyes and laughed. Why don't you kids go play over on the swing set while me and your momma talk?" Britni said looking at them. "Can we momma?" Rayne asked. "Go on." I said smiling and kissing both of them on top of the head before they took off running for the pay ground.

"How was the trip?" She asked pulling out a cigarette and handing it to me with a look knowing that I needed one. "It was good the kids were great. They're actually excited about starting over." I remarked taking a hit of the Marlboro red. "So you gonna introduce us to this beautiful women or what?" Tig said looking me up and down. "Shut up Tig you pervet fuck!" She told him. I couldn't help but let out a laugh. "Annie this is my ol'man Filipe or Chibs as most people know him by." She said with a smile plastered to her face. "Nice to meet you!" I said as I studied him a little better, then my eyes went wide! He's P the guy with the accent I thought to myself. " Aye, nice to meet ya lass I've heard lots about ya and thee rugrats." He said with a smile shaking my hand. Yepp that's confirmed, I thought to myself. "That pervet there is Tig." "Nice to meet ya doll." Tig said as he grabbed my hand and kissed it. Dark eyes just rolled his eyes at Tigs gesture. "And that's Happy the grouchy fuck." She said and looked at me with a shit eatting grin on her face. My heart stopped. I could not believe that he was here she knew exactly who I was gushing about! That bitch. "Hi." I said shyly. All I got was a head nood but that was good enough for me.

[h2odown]

This weather can go fuck itself.

Fuck snow storms and fuck freezing rain. Work sucks, I cant do anything or go anywhere because it's basically a death wish. Havent seen my man since Saturday and probably wont until Friday if he's free. I dont know if he has his son this weekend for Family day. So maybe not even then.

Like. Seasonal depression fucks with my other disorders so hard. I've been picking my skin BAD these past few days, I slept for like 13 hours yesterday after work, havent really eaten more than one meal a day, IF that. And I'm broke. I have 40 bucks until Friday morning and it is for gas/smokes.

Been trying to keep my OCD and intrusive thoughts in check but I'm struggling a bit.

Kind of over shared by accident at work a couple times today because it was such a shitty day.

While delivering a parcel to the copy center after receiving it, I said "Hey, you should totally help me shove this through my face so I dont have to live anymore." And upon them talking about the bad weather I blurted "haha, maybe I wont make it home and then I dont have to come in tomorrow" and walked away laughing.

Those two know about my issues sort of, but like.. calm down edgelord.

If I get to see my man this weekend, he doesnt have any gigs, I'm going to tackle him and bury my face in his chest and just stay there a while. He wont know what's going on, but it's just what I need.

[feua-old]

57 facts about me

I was tagged by @plumbbby so thank you!!!

1. I am pansexual

2. I share my birthday with my cousin and my art teacher

3. My birthday is 1/23/04 (it's in numerical order)

4. I have pretty bad anxiety + depression

5. I take piano

6. I want to learn how to play a ukelele (I might be getting one if I can convince my mom)

7. Eveyone says that I sing good but I dont really know??

8. I will avoid pictures at any and every chance I get

9. If I look at myself too long in the mirror, I'll start to cry

10. I cut my hair short and changed my hairstyle to try and forget the old me who was friends with a toxic person

11. I've never dated anyone

12. I'm pretty sure I had a crush on Stella in Lemonade Mouth but I thought that I just thought she was cool

13. I have like 10 irl friends (maybe???)

14. I memorized the entirety of Hamilton

15. I can rap Guns and Ships

16. My music taste goes from rock to soft songs

17. I've written atleast 3 different essays in one night (not at the same time)

18. In 5th grade, my D.A.R.E essay was chosen to be read at graduation and I had to read it front of my entire grade

19. I used to like science but my science teacher got mad at me for having a panic attack

20. Same with English, except he actively made fun of my anxiety (might I add that both teachers were male)

21. A girl I'm not friends with told one of my favorite teachers that the English teacher was making fun of my anxiety and she got pissed off that he was treating me like that

22. I'm very self conscious about my body

23. I like dark, oversized shirts but I don't own any

24. I quote vines constantly

25. I say, "Spill the tea, sis" all the time

26. My friends say I'm the equivalent to "What the fuck, Richard?"

27. I learned the beginning of the Mii theme on piano

28. Same with Welcome to the Black Parade

29. I absolutely s u c k at math

30. I work best when listening to music

31. I get stressed easily

32. I hate it when people try to motivate me because I let everyone down

33. If they tell me I cant do it, I'll either agree or do it out of pure spite

34. I've lived in the same place my entire life

35. I really like creative writing

36. And art

37. I never go outside voluntarily

38. I used to play baseball

39. But then I discovered video games

40. I very much dislike sports

41. I'm an atheist

42. I used to think that I had to wear makeup (idk why because my mom doesnt wear it and almost no one else in my family does)

43. Same thing with dresses and skirts

44. Once I got into an argument with a kid over a glue gun in shop class, I dared him to burn me, he did, I didnt flinch and he became scared and gave me the glue gun

45. Another time, a friend did the devils pinch thing on me when I wasnt paying attention and I never acknowledged it and continued to do my work

46. My 5'5" ass scares many people. I am full of anxiety and rage

47. I'm allergic to dogs

48. I think dogs are really gross tbh, no offense

49. I like crime and forensic shows

50. My school only teaches Spanish and I want to learn French

51. I'm a w f u l at texting people that I havent seen in a while

52. We had to paint self portraits and my teacher had to help me mix my hair and eye color because they're so complicated

53. Sleeping is amazing but I dont get enough

54. I slept for 18 hours straight once

55. And I've stayed awake for almost 2 days in a row

56. I tried coffee once and it was absolutely disgusting

57. I really like Disney and Pixar movies

I tag whoever wants to do this because it is a lot of work and I dont want to force anyone

[claryvoyantfray]

Do all of them u coward

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COWARD, FARMER???1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yes there is2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?I mean, I forgive people very easily so I guess. I havent seen that person in over a year since going to college, but I don't hate them3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”Firstly I think of a cat, and then I think of that one song/video where the only word is meow4: What’s something you really want right now?Chinese food and pickles just because I feel like it's been so long since I've had either5: Are you afraid of falling in love?Kinda, just because I get attached easily6: Do you like the beach?I love the beach! Last time I went was with family on vacation (and the time before was senior skip day)7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?I have. The las time it was for my friend's birthday. Me and this one girl fell asleep on the couch together and in the morning I felt like my legs were cut off8: What’s the background on your cell?Lockscreen is a series of 10 pictures. My home screen is from my brother's Christmas concert. He's in the middle being hugged by our friend Bean and my boyfriend9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?Mine at college, mine at home, my boyfriend's, and my friend's10: Answered11: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?This girl who I met at winter conference. Her name was Bekah12: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?Emotional pain by far. With physical those things go away (and you might have some cool stories to tell) but with emotional, that stick with you for a long time13: Answered14: Are you tired?I always am lately. I took a 4 hour nap today. But since it's a little after 1 (1:02 to be exact) I'm a little tired15: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?Like first alphebetically? That would be Abby and I've known her for 2 years. If it's first ever, that would be my mom or dad 😂16: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?Ha... that's funny. Considering that my last ex is a terrible person who cheats on his girlfriends and the one before is gay (and my best friend), I'm going with a strong no. Although me and my best friend keep saying we'll get married at like 40 if we don't have anyone17: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?No I would not, especially since I'm a stressed out college student. I would wanna wait til I graduate to do something like that18: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?A total of zero19: Is there a certain quote you live by?None that come to mind, but I do love a lot of quotes20: What’s on your mind?Just stuff for the future and what living with 3 of my friends will be like next year21: Do you have any tattoos?NO BUT I WANT SOME22: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?March 10 (the day I come home for spring break)23: Who are you texting?Nobody really right now, but I did just send a text to my friend Colin24: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?Alwayssssssss25: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?That would be Colin26: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?Well I would hope so27: Answered28: Were you single on Valentines Day?You bet I was, but I gave my friends super cute gifts29: Has anyone upset you in the last week?I don't think so30: Have you ever cried over a text?Yeah, but only like once or twice31: Where’s your last bruise located?I get a lot of random bruises everywhere, but there's one on my thigh currently32: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?Probably in the middle of last semester. I just wanted to go back home33: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?My dad. I was asking him what I could use as a bottle opener if I didn't have one34: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?No because every day is a bad hair day for me. I just own it35: Answered36: Do you make supper for your family?No I don't. Me and my brother did a couple times, but not recently. I like baking more than cooking37: Does your bedroom have a door?Yes, but no lock (it's an old house so it's like those skeleton keys, my door could lock if I knew how to work the key)38: Does anything on your body hurt?My shoulders. I need to get a massage39: Are goodbyes hard for you?Depending how me/them are gone40: How is your hair?Long and messy with purple tips41: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?I kinda wish I was home, but I'm alright42: Answered43: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?Probably wondering if any of my friends snore (I had 3 of them over last night)44: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Yes. I always try way too hard45: How old will you be in 5 months?19 and a half46: Where is your Mum right now?Probably in bed sleeping, unless she worked overnight, then she's at work47: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?Sadly I haven't48: How many people have you liked in the past three months?I think 3 on varying degrees49: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?Not my underwear, but last night my friends saw me in my bra50: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?Already did51: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?If it was weed, no (because everyone I know does it). But if it was the hard stuff I would be concerned depending on what it was. So yeah I would care52: Who was your last received call from?A blocked random number53: Have you ever trusted someone too much?I trust everyone I talk to way more than I should (but it's fine. It's only been bad twice)54: Do you get along with girls?Oh God I would hope so. But yeah I do55: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?Yeahhhh. I'm supposed to tell my mom something that I refuse to talk about (just because she'll be mad)56: Answered

[stanvicton1109-blog]

Victon’s Last fansign

Hey guys me again with a story from Victon, a lot has happened since the last time I posted about the fansigning. So I attended the last fansiging of the Identity era with some of my victon friends I finally made some Alice friends haha though some are from home. Anyways I met with one of the Alice friends I met here in Korea she is a teacher who lives in here, and she is one cool lady, Sejun biased nice girl. Anyways I met with her while waiting on my home school friends to arrive who was late by the way. I chose my number and I got 80 I kind of need to be like before 40 if I am going to be at a fansign. I realized this, anyways while waiting I just talked to my friend because she switched with someone and sat right next to me. While we were talking we are waving to the memebers who did not have anyone in front of them, I did not wave much I think I only waved to Sejun, Seungsik, Hanse and Subin, I do not clearly remember. But, when I waved to Sejun I shot my hand up like a kid in class trying to ask to go to the bathroom and waved to him he waved back. so  after an hour and a half of waiting it is finallly my turn to go up I waited in line, the staff cheked my album and checked my name and such so they could confirm I am me ( for some reason they were a lot stricter with the id checking that day) I am at the bottom of the stairs two people away, also I forgot to mention  they were 6 that day because Byungchan had caught the flu, and he was not there sadly. As I wait I talk to one of my home school friends I asked to record me since she had a good seat which was 1. Finally I am there up on stage sitting in front of Han Seungwoo the most amazing guy ever

Seungwoo: We say Hi to one another and he starts signing my album he writes to Porscha (yes that is my name) and he is like how do I say this again he does say my name right and I am like Yea in english and he like like Yeahh? I am like yea???? He tells me to say it again and I am like say yea again? he is like yes! I am so confused but I go Yeah yea yeah yeahhhhh yeah yea yea yea yea, and he is like ohhhh my god you are a rapper. I laugh so hard like WHat son oh my god I cannot. we continue our conversation and he asks me what did I do over Chuseok ( Week long Korean thanksgiving) I was like ummm I went to the club, and Seungwoo is shook guys and my myself was like oh my lord what have I done why did I say that, but he asks me where, I told him Hongdae, and he is like WHICH CLUB I am like NB2 and he is even more shocked I am like god take me now he is like ygygygyg I am like lord please take me now and he asks me did I drink whiskey I am like no, he is like what did you drink I am like Vodka and he like wow by this time comes it is time for me to move on to Sejun and while I am moving to Sejun who Yolo’s at me Seungwoo tells him that I went to NB2 and hes like ooooo

Sejun: ohhh how I wanted to die, We say hi to each other he is like soooooo you went to NB2 and I am like yes, he goes into saying how its interesting and how the Dj is in front and the people are like woooo and I  am sitting there like yea.... but how do you know but i didnt ask Sejun was sick so I gave it a pass. He is like earlier I saw you waving at me and showed me how I did it and i mimicked him, we laughed and he asks me something and I am like oh my please I cannot Korean right now and he figures and grabs my wrist shakes it and he asks me about the comeback that did I enjoy their promotions and I say yes, he say like thanks for coming all this time and seemed really genuine about it, we say bye and I move to chan and while I am moving to chan he tells Chan that I went to NB2 chan shake his head like yea then looks at my album and is like WAIT WHAT?!

Chan: Chan asks me did I go to NB2 and I was like yes, he asks me when and I like Saturday and Sunday, I say two nights he is like wowwww, I shook Chan then he changes to another topic did I mention that Chan is an angel sent from heaven and that I love him if I havent then I am now. He asks me about school he is like you are a student right I am like yes, he is like you are here for a long time I am like yes and he asks me where my university is I tell him Dongdaemun and that I go to University of Seoul he is like wowww. then he goes on to another topic like that the promotions are over and I answer yes.... and he is like oh no sad right I am like yes *makes sad face* and he copies me and tells me to come for next promotions, and I am like of course we say our goodbye’s and I move on to Hanse

Hanse: I seriously feel bad about how me and him interact when my mind wants to be an ass and not understand Korean. Hanse does not speak english at all the members before him mostly spoke korean but when I did not speak back or understand they tried to english a bit and it had not helped I had not spoken Korean like at all for over a week. While he spoke I shook my head ys but he asked me a question that I didnt know how to answer and it still was quiet he asked again and I was like uhhh I still do not know what you are saying honey, so he asked me about the promotions and I answered and I was like yes then he like told me by I feel so bad like seriously hanse I am so sorry I love you you know this thinking back I think he asked me did I go home over chuseok but I will never know. He tells me thank you for coming and to come again often. then I move on to Seungsik

Seungsik: We say our hello’s and he immediately tells me that Hanse and I have similar shirts on and I am like oh really, and he says Neon Style. My shirt is is bright yellow and Hanse’s shirt is highlighter green and they were both long sleeves, anyways Seungsik starts signing my album and im like wow m baby in my head. when he looks up he says something and I try my hardest to try and answer and I just shake my head and he says something about being there and for the 3rd album promotions and I am like yes, and he asks me if I enjoyed the promotions and thank you for coming all this time, and I say yes and he says you will come for 4th promotions and I am like yes we hi five at some point and I move on to Subin.

Subin: Oh my baby my son that savage maknae is learning. He tells me hello and I say hi, he signs my album and asks me have I been well and I am like Yes I have been well, and he asks me what have done over chuseok and I am like I slept ( I learned from earlier)  he laughs and said we are similar hehehehe, because we slept during Chuseok which leads him to ask me about school its kind of slipped my mind what he said last about school but I think I responded with what school I go to he then writes a message in my book. He told me to study harder at Korean and I read it and I felt kind of offended I know Korean quiet well but I translate in my mind so slowly that it feels like I do not know Korean the dissrespect but I will try harder. Thank you Subin for the encouragment

The end of it came soon after and the fansign ended after 10pm they had to go soon after they talked for about 10 minutes and then they left. when I finished my turn I like sunk down into my chair to hide the shame and I wanted to fade into nothingness but none the less it was fun and I love Victon still and I am sure they thing I am a real weirdo and that I am insane but I hope they think well of me since I am really in love with them as a whole :D I am getting better at talking with them though I have to work on my talking with Hanse I belive it will get better

[crazykendal]

Bored, Single, and Dead

1. What was on your mind mostly today? MOVING ON from some people and why my right arm feels fucking wierd

2. If someone looked on your bed, what would they find? oh shit idkk

3. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? im going to Tahoe

4. Are you nice to everyone? no

5. Is it possible to be single and happy? for me, no

6. Is it easy for people to make you cry? no but once someone made me cry when I heard them SING for the first time YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

7. Did you sleep alone last night? I had a sleepover with my sister

8. Do you play with dead bugs? ew no wtf

9. Honestly, are you dating two people? im not even dating one person wth

10. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? yeah, im going to be dead ass lonely or dead

11. Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone other than family?   nooo

12. Do you want to see somebody right now? yeaahhhh

13. What if you had a baby with the person you like? that's not physically possibly

14. Are you happy? not right now nope

15. Have you ever tripped in public? trippin is my game

16. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? I sometimes think everone secretly hates me

17. Have you ever sat in the back of a police car? nope

18. Are you stubborn? veRY

19. Do you tend to hold a grudge? yeah, and it can get baddd

20. What’s a fact about the last person that texted you?   oh, well.. they're a scammer

21. Has anyone called you perfect before? nope

22. Where is the biggest scar on your body? my left ankle. I shaved a huge chunk of my skin off and it was baddddd haha

23. Have you ever been told you were amazing? no

24. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?

immediate no

25. Are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment? well guess what YES and its killlling me

26. Do you trust all your friends? no I cant trust any of them 27. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? haha well yeah

28. What pissed you off today? my sister scratches up my arms and it looks like ive tried to cut myself or something

29. What was the last thing you cried about? this one person

30. Who was the last girl you talked to? ^^ same person as ^^

31. Do you know anyone who drinks a lot? no

32. Who sits next to you in English? SCHOOLS OUT BITCHES

33. Ever talked to someone who was drunk? no

34. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? yes everything is about them and its driving me crazy

35. How late did you stay up last night and why? I stayed up til 12:30 reenacting Stranger Things scenes with gummy bears with my sister.

36. Do you know how to properly use grammar in a sentence?   kinda? 37. Are your parents very protective of you? yeah

38. Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? I fukin wish

39. How many drugs are in your system?   can a Capri Sun count

40. The person who hurt you the most calls and needs you, do you go? bitch no

41. Is it easy to pretend everything’s okay for you? yeah, I do it every day

42. Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to on the phone? uh that was my dad, so sure

43. Do you think you are a good person? oh god no, if hell existed i’d be going there

44. What do you want right this second? I WANT A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

45. Do you think it makes him weak if a guy cries? no

46. Have you ever cried cause you were so mad? yeah

47. Could you last in a relationship for over a year?   yes

48. Who were you with on your birthday? i don't really remember or care 49. Have you ever crawled through a window? I feel like I have but don't remember

50. First person to talk to you in 2014? how the fuck am I supposed to remember that, it was 3 years ago

51. Do you miss your past? Not really but I dont regret meeting some sweet ass people

52. It’s 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it? a telemarketer, I have like no friends so no one ever checks up on me, by the time someone does I might be dead.

53. Do you have anything interesting planned for the next week? VIDCON I get to meet Sara Rubin, Ashly Perez, Allison Raskin, Gaby Dunn, Stephanie Frosch, and Bria and Crissy and maybe Simply Nailogical haha

54. Who was the last person to text you?

scammmmmmmmer

55. What were you doing 4 hours ago? i dont remember

56. Is there a certain song that you can’t stop listening to atm? Secrets by The Weeknd

57. Tell me 3 things that your friends don’t know about you. well well well I cant say

58. What is something that people often give to you as a gift? honestly nothing

59. Do you tend to hold on to a lot of stuff you don’t need, just because it has sentimental value? yeah then a month later I can get rid of it

60. What is something that reminds you of your ex?

well guess what i havent even dated at all so nop

61. Has the last person you kissed ever cried in your arms? my cat Bub has not cried in my arms

62. Which would you prefer to receive as a gift - flowers or chocolate? chocolate

63. When did you last take a shower/bath? Do you wash your hair every time? I took a shower like 2 hours ago, yeah I was my hair every time.

64. Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? yep

65. Do any of your followers on Tumblr have your phone number? yeahh

66. Will you be going out tonight, or staying in? staying in listening to Alone by halsey because it’s relatable.

67. How many times have you been in love? ONCE and maybe I still am but I need to fix it BECAUSE SOMEONE ISNT GOING TO MY HIGH SCHOOL NEXT YEAR and im going to be so fcked and messed up so pray for me

68. If you were heartbroken, who would help you pick up the pieces? ususally myself of this one friend I have she’s cool and she bacically proved I was bi. No it’s not you olivia sorry dude

69. Apparently, it’s very common to crave chocolate around the ‘time of the month’; do you ever get that craving? no

70. How would you feel about dating someone who had a reputation for being a player in the past? Do you think that players will ALWAYS be players, or is it possible that they can change? I’d give them a chance but idk Ive nvr fcking dated at all so whaat

71. Did you sleep well last night? sure

72. Is your bedroom big enough for you? sure

72. Are you looking forward to seeing someone soon? imexited to see Sara Rubin on Friday because she actually screwed up my love life and I dont even want to get started with that because it’s actually funny but will make me cry.

73. Ever had a one-night stand? nope

74. Is anyone flirting with you? I wish

75. Have you ever felt pressure to do anything you didn’t want to, like smoking, drinking, or losing your virginity, before you were ready for it? If so, how did you deal with that? all the time, like when the teacher tells us to do homework like wth hahahahahahaahaha idk

76. Do you consider yourself to be an intelligent person? Why/why not? no im really stupid and can have absolutely no common sense its actually really funny

77. Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with? Ashley Nicolette Frangipane

78. Is there anyone you’d HATE to be stuck in a lift with? oh my god yeah like the chick who plays Enid in the walking dead, and like my whole school.

79. When did you last talk to the person you love/like? What did you talk about? pff what lemme look... a hour and a half ago ahahahahahah

80. Have you ever seen your father cry? no

81. How would your parents react if you got pregnant? well i dont know because I dont really want kids

82. Do you/did you keep to your school’s uniform/dress code? sure

83. If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? Bub is a mean cat to my other cats and I wouldnt believe it

84. What was the highlight of your summer? cant rememeber

85. The last time you threw up, was it because you were hungover? idk

86. Have you ever seen the film ‘Wake Wood’? What did you think of it? never heard of it

87. Are you confused about anything atm? Is there anything bothering you? Or, is everything good? some people and their lies

88. If you say ‘I’ve had enough’ or ‘I’m done’, do you always mean it? no haha

89. Who was the last person that invited you to their house? honeslty scammer because I have no other friends

90. Have your parents ever told you about any alternative names they considered for you, or the name they would have chosen, if you’d turned out to be a boy? ASHLEY

91. Are you friends with any of your exes? n/a

92. Have you ever had to make an emergency phone call?

no

93. If you’re in a relationship, how is it going? If you’re single, are you looking for someone? *cries*

94. What language do you like the sound of? english ;)

95. Think about the last guy, outside of family, that you had a conversation with. Do you find him sexy? ew no wtf

96. What do you think is an assumption that someone could make about you, just by looking at your Tumblr? Would this assumption be correct? idk

97. What’s the most attractive physical feature of the person you love/like? HA I’d rather not write an essay right now

98. Do you consider yourself to be a strong person? Why/why not? .kindaaa?

99. Tell me about a special moment you’ve had with the person you love/like. just convos

100. What are you doing tomorrow? Im going to tahoe

[wholesome-lesbiab]

Wanna do all the numbers?

I assume you mean the “wanna be nosy” post? If not, blame the sleep deprivation and here it is anyway. You really want me to do all of them? All 44?? Well ok I’m only doing it because I can’t sleep and im bored

0:Height: 187 cm or 6′1 ? idk how you say it in inches1:Virgin?  Yea2:Shoe size  393:Do you smoke?  nah4:Do you drink?  Oh how I wish I had a bottle of vodka rn. Yes.5:Do you take drugs?  no6:Age you get mistaken for  17 goddamnit I hate that one bussdriver who always asks that7:Have tattoos?  I wish8:Want any tattoos?  Yeah9:Got any piercings? Yup, earrings10:Want any piercings? I think I’m ok with just the lame earrings 11:Best friend? Two best people I have had the blessing to be friends with for over 15 years. I love them so much 12:Relationship status Single and not ready to mingle13:Biggest turn ons  a kickass gaming computer and huge game collection14:Biggest turn offs  Being too pushy 15:Favorite movie  Uhhhhhh.... Impossible to pick one so I’m just gonna say all the POTC movies because they are my life16:I’ll love you if  take me to a museum17:Someone you miss  My best friends18:Most traumatic experience  First thing to come to my mind was that one day as a kid when I was walking my dog and a large dog attacked her out of nowhere, ripping a huge piece of her skin and making her flee. 19:A fact about your personality I’m awkward when I meet new people but oh boy do I still try and embarrass myself20:What I hate most about myself Not being able to sleep, among the many other thins I hate about myself but that’s just the “depressed sleep-deprived me” talking. 21:What I love most about myself The “depressed sleep-deprived me” doesn’t know what to answer to this lmao. If you ask me again when I have slept for two days straight, I might be able to give a proper answer22:What I want to be when I get older  Well slept. Also a history professor23:My relationship with my sibling(s)  We have that weird “we hate each other but deep down we care about each other but are too stupid to actually show it”. There are six of us and we like to say more “I hate you” than “I love you”. I can’t see myself ever saying that to any of my siblings. Does that sound too mean? Not in this family.24:My relationship with my parent(s) It’s ok, better than it used to be25:My idea of a perfect date TAKE ME TO A MUSEUM GODDAMNIT26:My biggest pet peeves  I dont really know27:A description of the girl/boy I like I havent felt romantically attracted to a guy in ages so idk28:A description of the person I dislike the most HOOO BOY she’s a one - nvm I’m not gonna be mean it’s all in the past and I have totally not forgiven her 29:A reason I’ve lied to a friend Maybe just to make myself look better/cooler30:What I hate the most about work/school The teachers are horrible and not supportive at all31:What your last text message says My... social security number hah hah32:What words upset me the most there was this one word but I cant remember what it was33:What words make me feel the best about myself I dont really know34:What I find attractive in women their make up skills35:What I find attractive in men their make up skills and some other stuff36:Where I would like to live far away from this god forbidden land37:One of my insecurities For so long it used to be my height and thin figure but now it’s just the acne38:My childhood career choice an actress. What was I even thinking? Even imagining myself on stage gives me an anxiety attack39:My favorite ice cream flavor chocolate40:Who wish I could be someone able to get decent hours of sleep every night. Also wealthy41:Where I want to be right now Away42:The last thing I ate Chocolate43:Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately Jensen Ackles44:A random fact about anything I was told to lie about my height in one model competition a while ago because the person who said that thought I was too tall. When I was being interviewed, the judge asked if I really was the height I told him (186cm as I was told to lie. Just one centimeter change. Why?) The judge was clearly baffled of my height, even slightly mockingly, so I swallowed my pride and lied about my height even tho I have been so long proud about it. I hated myself because I couldn’t just say “no, in fact I’m slightly taller”. It left a bad taste in my mouth because I couldn’t stay true to myself. I know it’s just a centimeter difference but it means a lot to me. I just hate it when i’m apparently “too tall” 

If anyone read this far I applaud to you and thanks for asking.

[fadedmelody]

100 Questions Tag!

tagged by lovely liv ( @nebula-simms ) ty!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? closet? :’)

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? never been in a hotel tbh

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? idk i just sleep with a blanket

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? no??

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? yes i do! i usually use them to remind me to post something on tumblr or take/edit some screenshots :)

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? i never use coupons oops

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? ok for the long run i think bees because even though they could hurt you.. not as much as a bear so?

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? i have them across my nose and under my eyes :)

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? idk, not usually because im a ~poser~ and i have a horrible smile

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? im stealing this answer from liv, when people walk *so slow* at school and like.. do they not want to get to their class on time?

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? nopee

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? no?

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? no?

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? maybe if i’m doing something like cleaning my room

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? i used to chew my pens but not anymoree

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? 734635437927837.3

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? single :’)

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? black and gold by Sam Sparro :)

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? of course!

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? not reallyyy unless it’s a film or something

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? ooh idk

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? ooooh probably in my room somewhere because no one would ever find it :’)

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water, i can’t go like 2 hours without water i stg

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? usually ketchup :)

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? vegetarian spaghetti bolognese omg :’)

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?

Tangled omg, i love that film ;-;

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?

ooh idk (wow mia you havent answered a question like that yet)

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?

nopee

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? not rn? since i’m a minor ;-;

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? when i was like 7 i think oops

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? nope

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? i can’t even drive lmao

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? no because i can’t drive lmao

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? chicken and stuffing fite me

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? waffles

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? ok recently its been like 12am but its usually around 3am or something

37. ARE YOU LAZY? lordt yes

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? yesss i still do i cri

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? rooster binch

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? english and french :)

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nope

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? lego i guess bc i’ve never heard of lincoln logs?

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? a little bit i guess, because whenever i have to pay someone and they’re like ‘nah it’s alright’ im like nO TAKE MY MONEY

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? who dat

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?

noo

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

i mean if i was stood on top of a skyscraper ig i’d be scared :’)

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? only if the music is loud enough for people to not hear me

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? ok sad story we only have a bath at my house so no

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?

no?

50. EVER USED A GUN? no because they’re not legal here unless you have a hunting license i think

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? ooo when i was a baby

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? obviously musicals like hamilton and in the heights aren’t but some are

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? yess because i have to worry about what gifts i have to get my friends and family w/ the little amount of money i have and the little amount of time i have?

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? nope

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? imma be basic ig so apple

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? i used to wanna be a vet until i realised you’d have to put animals down so hell no

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? ye boi, i mean it’s hard not to in my house :’)

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? not reallyyy i think its just when i’ve actually done that thing before

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?

nope

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?

nope

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? a dressing gown? is that that? then yes ig sometimes

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? whatever i fall asleep in tbh

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? never been to onee

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? tescos 4 lyfe

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? nike

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? we don’t have them here

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanuts

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? umm no but ik what it means lol

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? nope

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? oh shit idk

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope, everyone else in my family can do it tho

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? never been in one

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? this is really sad but i cried when i got ts4 because like.. no way my mum agreed to me playing it because she thought it was about sex & strippers :’)

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nope

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? yes but i think my mum only has a few records

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? umm no

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? ye boi

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? owl 👏 city 👏

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? never been to one

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hott

81. TEA OR COFFEE?

tea binch

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? wth are snickerdoodles

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can float but if i even think about water on my face i hyperventilate like.. sometimes i think im gonna drown when i WASH MY HAIR

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? yep!

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? to a certain extent

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? idk

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? yess i’ve won a few ik i have but idk what they were

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nooo

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? errr none?

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit a little bit

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? living room? i dont want fire near my stuff or even in my house for that matter

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? umm i guess idk

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? lol

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? idk i’ve had more than 1? is that bad??

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? nooooo im not a lil biatch

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? um how about no

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? idk maybe

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? purple

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? yes >:>

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? um idk if you guys have done this/want to do this but i’m gonna tag @femmesim, @bananahut, @wanderlust-sims, @loniden, @faeflowr, @skywardpalms, @lilwisp, @kotiij and anyone who wants to do it :’)

[noiseartists]

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze: The Facebook Group

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze is a Facebook group created by Kevin Cleary. The group is arguably the biggest one on Facebook counting over 40 000 members. Noise Artists meets the moderators.

How long have you been and admin for this group?

Mark: I joined the group back in January 2019 and joined the admin team shortly after as a mod so i'm the new kid on the block.

Darren: For several years now. Too long to remember when it all started.

Kev: I created Shoegaze, Dreampop & Nugaze in 2009. My reasoning at the time was to find bands that kept the shoegaze candle burning (damn that sounds cheesy, lol). Acts such as Airiel, Ides of space, Resplandor, the Meeting Places, Astrobrite, Mystery Machine, etc.

Nico: I can’t remember, I got asked maybe a year and a half ago? What are the perks of being an admin?

Mark: Meeting all the cool bands and fans.

Darren: To be able give a platform for new bands to be heard and discovered by a new audience.

Kev: Over the years I've become a bit introverted, don't belong to a band and not hitting shows the way I once did (Dad life). The biggest perk is the music that I would never have discovered otherwise and the friendships that have developed. No gaze orgies, groupies, monetary benefit, drugs, etc. Maybe things would have been different if this was 1993, lol.

Nico: I guess, it’s like running a fanzine back in the days? it’s a lot of work for very little reward but you do it cause you like music more than anything else

What are the drawbacks of being and admin?

Mark: Dealing with disputes and arguments on the group. Why cant we all just get along people?

Darren: Having to moderate the troublemakers and haters.

Kev: "Why did you delete my Radiohead post?!Facist!!!!" It hasn't been all that easy and trust me, the page burns me out at times. Pet peeves include, getting tagged in a post bashing the group, reading a post from a FB friend, "sorry Kev, but the page....." A lot goes into running a page with over 45,000 members! Thank the Gods for the current (Darren, Mark & Nico) and past mods.

At some point we got in a war with WHIRR, which apparently wasn't the band but someone moderating their social media.

Oh shit, the whole Pranav Agrawal thing!

Where to even start with that one?! Pranav was a professional English swimmer, living in India with his boyfriend Matt. Yes. He was one of seven of us managing the page.

We were a tight bunch, often chatting several days a week. He was an integral part of the page, with great ideas and input. Things got weird when one of the mods forwarded a google image of a professional swimmer Daniel Goodfellow. Pranav had created this entire persona based on the swimmer! We called him out and poof, just like that, he was gone! Keyer Soze style.

Nico: Oh definitely the people with zero social skills and a lot of issues who are desperate for attention but know only how to seek it in negative ways. They clearly need to be educated but you can’t do that publicly because they want the attention so the only way to deal with them is to not give them any, delete, block, gone. Is there any perks? groupies? drugs? free music? 😉

Mark: The only "perk" i've had so far is some boudouir snaps of my fellow mod Nico Beatastic! I still havent slept since seeing them.

Darren: I occasionally get free music. People often reach out to me directly to share music that they feel I'll enjoy.

Kev: Ehhhh, not so much for a 46 year old married dad like me. The free music that group members send me! Ooooo, I listen to it all and totally appreciate it. Another perk is hearing or reading about the page in a positive light. Nico: the true perk is having Mark to send my boudoir pics to, I know he truly appreciates them.

What do you like best about the group?

Mark: The community spirit. The shoegaze community is incredibly tightknit and supportive.

Darren: Always being turned on to new music and forgotten treasures.

Kev: The music I've discovered and friendships that I've made over the last decade. Wow, talk about generic answers! There was a time when Darren, Rayanne, Greg, Romini, Liam, Pranav and I would drunk message for hours most every Friday/ Saturday. Mind you, we were all in different time zones. Those were fun times!

Nico: when shoegaze started it was called the scene that celebrates itself, people were supportive of each other, I think that’s mostly the case, also it’s never been about who’s got the biggest one (it’s Mark) , there’s no macho bullshit.

What do you like the least about the group?

Mark: The posts that begin, Its not shoegaze but.... or What is the most shoegaze <insert inanimate object here>. Wasn't funny the first time, not funny now. Stop it

Darren: Just because some music has elements of shoegaze or exists on its peripheral, doesn't make it shoegaze. It's hard to draw the line sometimes and that comes from someone who's been listening to this music for 30 years, let alone for people who are new to shoegaze.

Kev: Damn, if I let the cat out of the bag it will invite in hundreds of trolls! Like the teenage British invasion of 2015. Darren is the only mod who was around at that time and it SUCKED!! So my lips are sealed on this one.

Nico: the little wars, the negativity, the group is meant to post music you like, no diss music you hate. If you don’t have anything nice to say , don’t say anything.

If you could have anyone join the group, who would it be and why?

Mark: Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine for he is our lord and father. All hail the Kev!

Darren: Erik Blood. He's my favorite producer and has had a hand in recording/producing/creating/performing some of the best music from the Pacific Northwest for years.

Kev: We've had quite a few genre icons come and go throughout the years. Rachel and Emma were both members until they were called out in numerous posts. I was blown away when the lead of my favorite band joined several years ago!

Nico: I’d have my fave musician ever, Billy Corgan

Who should be an admin?

Mark: Elliott Frazer from Ringo Deathstarr as i inadvertantly removed him from the group. That would let him get his revenge on me.lol

Darren: Someone who loves music, music debate, and has an insatiable hunger to hear and discover new music.

Kev: Easy; Darren, Mark and Nico! Now i'm going to try and name everyone who has helped moderate the page over the years. Rayanne Die, Vic Winters, Dean Bromley, Steven Webb, Romini, Mike Contreras, Liam Doyle, Greg Wilson, Krissy Vanderwoude.

Nico: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Nick Cave, Henry Rollins. You can’t mess with them and they’re good with words. I’d love to have The Rock turn his boot sideways and stick it someone’s arse when they make a homophobic/racist/rude/mean comment.

Who should never be an admin?

Mark: Anyone who posts Its not shoegaze but.... or Whats the most shoegaze <insert inamimate object here>.

Darren: Someone who is thin-skinned.

Kev: Anyone not ready to put time into building and maintaining. I'm grateful that we have a great team running the page now and for all of the past admins.

Nico: I agree with Darren.

What is the sweetest thing you've seen happen in the group?

Mark: I seen a member post that they had just had a bad break up with their partner and was looking for tunes to cheer them up. The comments below that post were 100% supportive and full of some of the best music. It was testament to the family vibe we are proud to have on the group.

Darren: I've seen small unknown bands and musicians grow into being leaders of the scene that celebrates itself.

Kev: Krissy Vanderwoude and Andy Jossi collaborating! Two phenomenal musicians. I also love seeing obscure, unknown bands grow in part due to this group.

Nico: I think each time anyone posts a band they like, it’s an act of communion with the world , we share what we want so we can improve other people’s lives and that my friends is what life should be about.

Have any couple met on the group and got married and have children?

Mark: i have no idea. One of the other more learned admin may know.

Darren: If so, send me pics of them making babies.

Kev: I haven't received any wedding invites. Not to say that it hasn't happened. A group member did create a Shoegaze romantic connection group.

Nico: Mark and I are expecting ;)

What is the best band you've discovered through the group?

Mark: That’s not fair. There’s too many AMAZING bands ive discovered via this group. If you absolutely forced me to name one id have to go with The Stargazer Lilies. Occabot blew my tiny mind.

Darren: Flyying Colours

Kev: Oooooh, a "best band?" As far as my personal favorite, I'd have to say Echodrone. Dean "Shoegaze" Bromley, one of the original page members/ past admin, turned me onto them. There are SO many greats that I never would have heard of if it wasn't for SGDPNG!!!

Nico: that Russian shoegaze scene is pretty cool. Maybe Pinkshinyultrablast ?

How did it get so big? (the group Mark, the group!

Mark: We have an open door policy and we get a lot of people inviting friends. We also have a lot of members who are in bands. It means they can interact with our members directly which is a huge thing for fans.

Darren: People love shoegaze and want a place to share and learn more about it.

Kev: Be careful of what you wish for!! There were waves of growth starting with the MBV/ Slowdive/ Lush reunions. Then there was the whole "bro gaze" movement, not the happiest of times on the page.

Nico: The big 3 coming back , the old school gazers have older kids now so more time on their hands and the brogazers. I went to see Slowdive a couple of years ago and the audience was clearly 14 to 60, lots of kids. The Rachel look is quite iconic, it appeals to a lot of young women.

Have you ever thought of making tshirts? mugs? merch?

Mark: I’d love that. We did that in another group i admin. See what King Kev Cleary has to say. He's the boss!

Darren: I would love if one day we could release music by some of the bands that we discover in the group.

Kev: A few years back I created a website with the intent of doing just that. Never materialized. I remember what Greg Wilson, one time page mod, went through getting DKFM to where it is today. Don't have that sort of time to dedicate.

Nico: it’s all very doable, especially a compilation series, that would be fairly easy.

[effervescentmind]

Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio. 

So I have a lot of crappy news to talk about. These last few days havent been very great. Last Tuesday I woke up with some strange sharp pain on my right collarbone but the pain would only come if I inhaled. I dismissed it, thinking maybe that I had slept weird and it would pass. Wednesday, it moved to my left collarbone and I knew it was too much of a coincendence to be a strain but I still ignored it. Thursday I felt no pain until the evening when my waist started feeling a bit sore. It wasnt a sharp pain but more like the soreness you get from working out. I’m a server and work at least 40 hours a week so I figured my body just felt tired like usual. Friday I woke up around 3 a.m. in sooo much pain. It felt like someone stabbed my ribs, I could barely move without screaming. I eventually fell back asleep and then called out of work when I got up. When I explained to the manager that I was going to the hospital for unexplainable pain, he told me he had my morning covered but he fully expected me to be there that night for dinner shift. I hung up and was very upset at the lack of concern he had for my well-being. I didn’t have any money to get a lyft to the hospital and texted my mom and best friends’ mom for ten bucks. My best friends mom didnt get back to me that day but my mom was able to cash app me. I called my job and spoke with another manager, updating him on my situation and that I would keep him posted. When I got there, I was seen right away because there was no line. The doctor immediately knew I had Pleurisy.

 From what I understand its a viral infection that inflames the protective lining of your lungs. The lining is suposed to protect your lungs and make sure they expand smoothly against your ribcage. When the lung gets inflammed, it creates friction. That friction was what I was feeling everytime I inhaled. The doctor gave me a 800mg ibeprofen and kept me there for an hour to see if it helped. It worked very slightly but I was still in pain and breathing shallow. He perscribed me the ibeprofen and instructed me to stay home that night and the next day. I called my job and a third manager picked up. I updated him and let him know that I had to stay home. He was very upset about it and then we hung up. 

Saturday morning, I get a text from my bestfriends’ mom. It was her husband telling me that she was in the hospital and thats why I didnt get a call back but that he would still send me the money if I needed it. He was concerned about me as well. I told him what happened and that I was ok and didnt need the money. Then I asked him if mom (I call her mom because she took me in and is eveything to me) was ok and he said he didnt know. That she had tried to overdose on Xanax. I was in shock and told him I was so sorry and that I wanted to come see her. I asked for her number and expressed my convern for him and my little sister. He said she was fine and that they told her that mom just needed help feeling happy and that she would be home soon. My heart was heavy and I cried for hours. I ended up talking to my best friend and we got high on the phone and cried together. Neither of us had talked to mom because we didnt want to upset her with our emotions.

Sunday morning, I was still in pain but not as much as the day before. When I got to work, I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I couldnt walk very fast or I would get winded because of all my shallow breathing. Talking was very short and limited or very strained and exhausting. My coworkers kept asking me if I was ok and wondering why I was so quiet. I felt like shit and the more I worked the worse the pain would get until I had to stop every two minutes to catch my breath. I started talking to coworkers and asking if anyone wanted to pick up my shift. No one could because they were all doubles so I went to my boss and told her I couldnt breath. She immediately told me that I had to go home and stopped me from trying to find people to cover my shift. She told me I was fine. 

The guy that picked me up drove like a fucking maniac and added to the horrish pain I would eventually feel when I got home. It felt like he was tossing me around in the back seat with a thousand knives around me and I was too winded to speak up. Then when I got home, I dropped everything on the floor and tried to sit on the couch but couldnt even sit. It was too painful to move. I literally had to keep my torso perfectly straight and spread my legs to lower myself onto the couch. I could not use my abs AT ALL or I would trigger a sharp pain and scream. I eventually took a shower and stayed on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Going to bed was a thirty minute process. Just finding the right angle to lower myself and figuring out what movements I had to make for the least painful experience was exhausting. My sleep was rough and uncomfortable. 

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body. 

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back…I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumb and it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene. 

The worst part of this all is that my boss was on his side and basically told me that I was being emotional and that Jason didnt mean anything by it. Hes just a very black and white person and thats what got him the job in the first place. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!! I didnt even argue back because I’m so done witht his place. I’m offically fucking numb. I’m just going to work on getting my car and then line up a better job so that I cant quit. I’m not even going to tell them, I’ll just not call and block them. Fuck these bitches.

[loveismyreligionom]

Entry 18: 07/10/19 @ 3:42 p.m.

I’m at work on the patio. 

So I have a lot of crappy news to talk about. These last few days havent been very great. Last Tuesday I woke up with some strange sharp pain on my right collarbone but the pain would only come if I inhaled. I dismissed it, thinking maybe that I had slept weird and it would pass. Wednesday, it moved to my left collarbone and I knew it was too much of a coincendence to be a strain but I still ignored it. Thursday I felt no pain until the evening when my waist started feeling a bit sore. It wasnt a sharp pain but more like the soreness you get from working out. I’m a server and work at least 40 hours a week so I figured my body just felt tired like usual. Friday I woke up around 3 a.m. in sooo much pain. It felt like someone stabbed my ribs, I could barely move without screaming. I eventually fell back asleep and then called out of work when I got up. When I explained to the manager that I was going to the hospital for unexplainable pain, he told me he had my morning covered but he fully expected me to be there that night for dinner shift. I hung up and was very upset at the lack of concern he had for my well-being. I didn’t have any money to get a lyft to the hospital and texted my mom and best friends’ mom for ten bucks. My best friends mom didnt get back to me that day but my mom was able to cash app me. I called my job and spoke with another manager, updating him on my situation and that I would keep him posted. When I got there, I was seen right away because there was no line. The doctor immediately knew I had Pleurisy.

 From what I understand its a viral infection that inflames the protective lining of your lungs. The lining is suposed to protect your lungs and make sure they expand smoothly against your ribcage. When the lung gets inflammed, it creates friction. That friction was what I was feeling everytime I inhaled. The doctor gave me a 800mg ibeprofen and kept me there for an hour to see if it helped. It worked very slightly but I was still in pain and breathing shallow. He perscribed me the ibeprofen and instructed me to stay home that night and the next day. I called my job and a third manager picked up. I updated him and let him know that I had to stay home. He was very upset about it and then we hung up. 

Saturday morning, I get a text from my bestfriends’ mom. It was her husband telling me that she was in the hospital and thats why I didnt get a call back but that he would still send me the money if I needed it. He was concerned about me as well. I told him what happened and that I was ok and didnt need the money. Then I asked him if mom (I call her mom because she took me in and is eveything to me) was ok and he said he didnt know. That she had tried to overdose on Xanax. I was in shock and told him I was so sorry and that I wanted to come see her. I asked for her number and expressed my convern for him and my little sister. He said she was fine and that they told her that mom just needed help feeling happy and that she would be home soon. My heart was heavy and I cried for hours. I ended up talking to my best friend and we got high on the phone and cried together. Neither of us had talked to mom because we didnt want to upset her with our emotions.

Sunday morning, I was still in pain but not as much as the day before. When I got to work, I realized that I wasnt ready for it. I couldnt walk very fast or I would get winded because of all my shallow breathing. Talking was very short and limited or very strained and exhausting. My coworkers kept asking me if I was ok and wondering why I was so quiet. I felt like shit and the more I worked the worse the pain would get until I had to stop every two minutes to catch my breath. I started talking to coworkers and asking if anyone wanted to pick up my shift. No one could because they were all doubles so I went to my boss and told her I couldnt breath. She immediately told me that I had to go home and stopped me from trying to find people to cover my shift. She told me I was fine. 

The guy that picked me up drove like a fucking maniac and added to the horrish pain I would eventually feel when I got home. It felt like he was tossing me around in the back seat with a thousand knives around me and I was too winded to speak up. Then when I got home, I dropped everything on the floor and tried to sit on the couch but couldnt even sit. It was too painful to move. I literally had to keep my torso perfectly straight and spread my legs to lower myself onto the couch. I could not use my abs AT ALL or I would trigger a sharp pain and scream. I eventually took a shower and stayed on the couch for the remainder of the evening. Going to bed was a thirty minute process. Just finding the right angle to lower myself and figuring out what movements I had to make for the least painful experience was exhausting. My sleep was rough and uncomfortable. 

I had monday off (thankfully) and still had a considerable amount of pain but felt much better. Spent the day relaxing and catering to myself and body. 

Tuesday (yesterday) I felt GREAT. Hardly any pain and no laborous talking. I went in to work and people were happy to see me and happy that I was back...I realized that I was happy too. Not because of my job but because holy shit I finally felt close to normal again. Everything was going great, we had a slight pop and I was in my groove. Then the mid-manager comes in (the one that was upset about me not coming in over the weekend) and askes me how I was feeling and without letting me answer comments, disappointedly, on how I called out again on Sunday. I looked at him and said that I had to, I couldnt breathe and he scoffed at me. I then told him that I did come Sunday and tried but left early and he just walked away and didnt say anything. I continued to take care of my tables but his comments were in the front of my mind, They were really bothering me! So as soon as I found a monet to talk, I pulled him aside to speak in private. I told him that I didnt appreciate his comment earlier, that it was insensitive. I tried my best and still came in despite my condition. I missed out on at least 300 dollars over the weekend and noe had a 200 dollar hospital bill to pay without insurance. He somewhat sympathized and agreed that he was maybe a little insensitive. I said it was alright and he proceeded to tell me about one of my coworkers and how they have been working for two weeks with rib pain. Then I told him that he had nothing to do withme and that it my pain was different. It was my lung and I explained what the doctor told me about Pleurisy. He listened and acknowleged that he might have been insensitive but then told me about how he was at work for a whole week once with kidney stones. Again, I told him that his stones have nothing to do with my long and that he was downplaying my situation. He then someowhat agreed with me and we ened the conversation. i thought we were good and it was over but he follwed me to the bar and told me that earlier he was just asking me a question and he wasnt being rude. I reiterated what he said and how and told him that he was expressing disappointment. He then denied it and reitarated a version of his “question” with the same words and nicer tone. I told him that yes he did say that but not in the form of a question and not nicely. He continued to go back and forth with me and I stopped him saying that I wasnt trying to argue with him. He wouldnt let it go so I told him he was being defensive and he told me he wasnt and started trying to fight with me about being defensive. I told him that this was dumb and that I wasnt going to argue. He cut me off and said it was dumba nd it was dumb for me to bring it up in the first place. Then (yelling) told me that I had the resturant in a disarray for no reason. He said this while walking away from me and by guests, making sure he was heard. I yelled back “I’m so sorry Jason that you had a hole in your floor for three days because I was in the hospital, you asshole!”. He then went to our boss and started talking shit and then immediately after went up to the hostesses telling them that he didnt care that I felt like he was being insensitive. I couldnt believe that this MANAGER was acting like a stupid like fucking child and causing a scene. 

The worst part of this all is that my boss was on his side and basically told me that I was being emotional and that Jason didnt mean anything by it. Hes just a very black and white person and thats what got him the job in the first place. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!! I didnt even argue back because I’m so done witht his place. I’m offically fucking numb. I’m just going to work on getting my car and then line up a better job so that I cant quit. I’m not even going to tell them, I’ll just not call and block them. Fuck these bitches.