#because he knows (from personal experience although he hates to admit it) that eventually people get tired and move into the next thing | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

magenta-embers · 1 year ago

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Hi! Nice to read you.

I've been in Tumblr for years, and this is the first time I send a message. I mostly use this app to read, and I'm usually just a ghost because I don't comment or anything else besides read, lol.

Well, the reason I felt like I needed to send you a message is because this channel of yours is new and I have read all your posts so far and I am absolutely intrigued to read more from you in the future because you already made me laugh a few times plus you have a psychology degree and although I don't have one because funny enough, I hated reading so much when I took psychology classes that I couldn't fathom getting that degree.

I do have a way with humans that is not common with the bast majority. I'm very intuitive and empathic as well, which makes my interactions with people deeper than I sometimes would like it to be. But that's a different story... I digress...

I found BTS this year because of K-Dramas. All of a sudden, I don't know how my Instagram went from KDramas to BTS. They are all over my explore feed, lol.

(Well it's not that difficult for IG to full my feed with them since once you like KDrama stuff, the whole South Korea country shows up in the algorithm lol, I just find it funny, sorry again I digress...)

The way I got to "meet" BTS was with the Run Episodes mini Reels in IG. Again, they are all over my feed. So eventually I found out they sing, and found a song I liked, searched it up, found out it was from them, got obsessed with the song, and now I have a few more that I like a lot so far.

I do not consider myself an Army, and I don't think I ever will. I do think BTS is absolutely talented and great performers and I may like more songs in the future if I go over all the albums because so far their songs find me in reels and that's how I have come to like the ones I do. But I do think the fandom is very toxic in my opinion, I'm not saying that all the people in there are, but overall from all the experience I have so far from them, that's the feeling I get as of now from most of the fandom. so I don't see myself connecting that far.

I like all the members. They each have something that I like about them, but what I have come to find out is that Jimin is out of this word. I don't know what that man has, but for God's sake, he can get people obsessed if they are not careful.

Do I consider myself a PJM? No.

However, the man can convert me at any minute to be honest, and I won't notice.

Well, my main reason to write to you is because although I've known about them in more detail the past few months, I'm really new to them. The past month, I got to know what shipping means, and like you, the first thing I saw on Instagram was the JK and TH one. I did not understand what was the romantic side of the videos I was being shown because I couldn't see anything beyond a great friendship. Then, I don't know how, but a video of JM and JK showed up. It was a compilation of them staring at each other and another one of JK walking to any direction JM was going to, and let me tell you...

I felt like I was spying on a couple that were in their private room and I just happened to be in the closet looking through a small hole because I got trapped there before they showed up and shut the door and I could get out. I FELT SO INTRUSIVE THAT IT MADE ME TURN MY HEAD SIDEWAYS MORE THAN ONCE, like I shouldn't be watching such a intimacy without consent. JESUS!!!

The feelings were deep. Let me tell you that much.

So, I, as a romantic person that loves LOVE and anything related to that, such as movies, and again K-Drama, well... I came to Tumblr to investigate this situation, hahahaha... and let's just say that in the past 2 weeks, I have consumed an insane amount of BTS shipping posts than what I would be proud to admit. It's very bad, I need a break. But I'm a binge watcher, and the content seems infinite (WOW), I'm the type of person that watches a K-dramma in one sitting because I can't do it anyway else.

Well, I have told you too much irrelevant sh*t sorry lol

My reason for the message was because I would like to read more posts of JM and JK from the perspective of people that that have follow them for a while and watch original content and express their thoughts on what they see and why they think of them as they do because of what they see.

I am interested in reading how people evaluate what they see without my personal thoughts about what I see as bias. I have been finding the posts I have read like that entertaining. But unfortunately the past weeks as well most of the things I see is people asking bogglers why they think JM and JK are still together and a constant fighting about recent things like video leaks, JK meeting too much with his friends but no with JM, this or that, and it's getting boring seeing these bloggers intelligence wasted on those questions.

My opinion is this: I won't assume they are a couple unless they say so (highly unlikely) or when definite proof gets leaked or posted by Dispatch or something like that. (Which I really hope it never happens, they don't deserve an outing like that if they are not ready) but I find it very concerning that these so called fans, and shippers just want proof that they are together so bad, that they don't care how that proof gets to them, which may hurt their so called bias. That's honestly SICK behavior! And then they wonder why people joke that BTS fandom is full of 12 years old. Again, I digress...

So, as I was saying, I won't assume they are a couple because I respect people, and I don't want to assume their sexuality or relationship. But I don't judge those who assume in a respectful way, I just personally don't want to cross that line.

In my personal opinion, they make me feel like they have feelings for each other and that they are aware of them. Have they crossed the sex line yet? Maybe.

The vibe I get is that they are aware of their feelings towards each other and might be scared to cross that line for the sake of their friendship or the group. Though, that doesn't stop them from being as physical as they show to be on screen.

They're like, "we know we have feelings for each other, we won't cross the sex line, but we will play with fire." And one thing is for sure in this life, intimacy goes beyond the sex act.

They are probably more intimate than what sex could make them be. I don't even know how to explain it in a coherent way to those who just see sex as the way of being fully intimate.

Also, I don't know why people have to assume that they are gay if they are proven to be with each other. I can never get disappointed enough of humans and their limited intelligence, like sometimes two people have a connection so strong that even if they have been only in a heterosexual relationship their whole lives, and there was this one instace where they were in a homosexual one, it automatically doesn't mean the person is part of the LGBTQ+ community, it's just means that there was a person, possibly what they would consider their "soul mate" that happen to be their same sex. But otherwise they have only been attracted to the opposite sex and will find themselves only attracted to the opposite sex if that person no longer exist in the picture, because they will never feel somethig like that again.

I've seen it, that's why I get mad when people don't see that, in this world there's so much that can be possible without putting a pre-existing LGBTQ+ label on it, that's why there's a + in it I guess. But AGAIN, I digress...

Now, even if JM and JK come out saying that they never have had anything going on, that they are with other people in a relationship or whatever else. I won't ever doubt that they had feelings for each other up to 2023. That much I am sure of, no matter the outcome of their relationship. These two had a mini encounter on a live a few days ago, and they both malfunctioned at one point lol they don't know how to control themselves.

But I just wanted to say that I hope you share more of your thoughts of what you see and saw on content where they are part of, like the youtube video you shared, (which I will watch once I have almost 3 hours to spare because once I start that, I won't stop until it's done lol) so I hope to read your opinions on those contents, your thought process as you watch those things. That would be entertaining for me as a new person viewing this shipping world, and those new like me that want to read stuff like that as entertainment or to learn more about them.

People here write as if all the readers are old in the BTS world or, more specifically, the Jikook world and not all of us are. I caught you doing some comments like that too so far, like "if you know you know," or like "you know what I am talking about," and I'm like... "But I don't know, I want to know but don't know lol" so I'm left clueless lol

Please, I hope that if you are here for a long run, remember that people like me will always exist and we may find your blog in our way to discovery and won't know sh*t lol. Also, I hope you tag more words so your posts are easier to find for people like me. Like when a post is about Jikook, you can also tag JM and JK tags since it is about them anyway. I was just following the Jimin tag, and now I will follow the Jikook one because some posts don't make it to the Jimin tag even tho the post includes him. But you may have your reasons, so it's totally fine if you don't.

Sorry for the long message. It's my first one ever, and I took it seriously, apparently lol.

I'm a millennial, I use lol a lot...

Att: The LOL Millennial

P.S. Any possible grammar/spelling mistakes are expected for my old age lol, thank you :)

God, I love a good, long message. Hi! Hope you don't mind me sharing your story and thoughts. It was a good read! I've also been a lurker until recently.

I'll try to respond in order.

"But I do think the fandom is very toxic in my opinion, I'm not saying that all the people in there are, but overall from all the experience I have so far from them, that's the feeling I get as of now from most of the fandom. so I don't see myself connecting that far."

It is absolutely okay to be a casual fan. It's healthier even. About the fandom, it's big enough to be a country, and as we know, a country holds many perspectives, personalities, religions, opinions, factions, moral/political alignments, criminals, and creeps, but also mostly just regular folk trying to make it through the day. That's how I see ARMY. It's simply too massive for everyone to get along. I think the toxicity has gotten much worse since the solo era started and the fandom is more divided than ever.

However, I believe that once BTS returns as a group, all of the garbage that's happened or been said this year will be forgotten. Solo projects have rotted the fandom's brains and yet were absolutely vital to the artistic growth of each member. It's a necessary evil, and BTS will be way, way stronger for it. We, the regular folk here, just keep our heads down and weather the storm. Amazing things are coming.

"But unfortunately the past weeks as well most of the things I see is people asking bogglers why they think JM and JK are still together and a constant fighting about recent things like video leaks, JK meeting too much with his friends but no with JM, this or that, and it's getting boring seeing these bloggers intelligence wasted on those questions."

We're getting a lot more fan interaction from the members during this hiatus than I thought we would. So it was surprising to me to see people whining about Jimin and Jungkook not posting about each other enough. Some people seem to think those two need to communicate solely via public social media otherwise they hate each other. Some people have entire narratives on how/when/why jikook broke up based on the stupidest shit you can imagine. As I said, solo era has been painful. My brain cells are dropping like flies.

"but I find it very concerning that these so called fans, and shippers just want proof that they are together so bad, that they don't care how that proof gets to them, which may hurt their so called bias."

Because to them Jungkook and Jimin are dolls to smash together while making kissy sounds. They just want to "win" their little ship war. As far as I'm concerned, there is no war because jikook is an actual possibility and the others are not. End of story. Any explicit "proof" getting out would be disastrous for them at this point in time.

"In my personal opinion, they make me feel like they have feelings for each other and that they are aware of them. Have they crossed the sex line yet? Maybe.

I think this was pretty much my opinion too until I started my deep dive and observing the timeline. The "state" of them of being aware of their feelings for each other but hesitant was late 2015/first half of 2016, in my personal timeline, it's one of the big shifts I saw. Their relationship has several developments after that too. So if they're currently in a romantic/sexual relationship, they have been for years. If they're not, then it's not likely to happen.

"in this world there's so much that can be possible without putting a pre-existing LGBTQ+ label on it"

Sexuality is a spectrum and people shouldn't have to define themselves if there is no label that quite fits. The more labels and distinctions we make, the more we box people in and become less inclusive. Jimin could be bi, Jungkook could be gay, but we don't know. We can't know. What I do know is that they really find each other really, really attractive.

"But I just wanted to say that I hope you share more of your thoughts of what you see and saw on content where they are part of, like the youtube video you shared"

Thank you for your support! That's the plan! It was painful to be so undetailed in the intro post.

"People here write as if all the readers are old in the BTS world or, more specifically, the Jikook world and not all of us are. I caught you doing some comments like that too so far, like "if you know you know," or like "you know what I am talking about," and I'm like... "But I don't know, I want to know but don't know lol" so I'm left clueless lol"

I know that's annoying, it was for me as well when I was starting my journey. But the "if you know you know" stuff I'm referring to is pics/info that leaked and we weren't supposed to see. More "evidence' I suppose. Nothing that would ruin their lives, obviously, but far far more telling than any dumbass clip/pic we've gotten for their other dating "rumors." Maybe you've already seen them. I'm not going to gatekeep these things, since they're out there anyway and you can find them, but you can reach out to me if you'd like and I can tell you in private.

"Also, I hope you tag more words so your posts are easier to find for people like me. Like when a post is about Jikook, you can also tag JM and JK tags since it is about them anyway."

The reason I didn't tag them individually is because solos, akgaes, and taekookers (jk tag) lurk in those tags and they're eye-twitchingly annoying. Especially right now.

Nonny, thank you so much for listening to my story and sharing yours. It was lovely to wake up to. I appreciate the interest a lot. I hope to hear from you in the future!

#jikook

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officialchristiancagebbgirlblog · 7 months ago

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Fluff alphabet: Christian Cage

Here’s my take on a fluff version of the NSFW alphabet I did a little while ago. It’s a bit all over the place but here’s my version of that!

Affection (how do they show it):

He spends a lot of time touching you in some way: brushing your hair, caressing your body, leaving trails of kisses down your arms. There’s nothing he loves more than just feeling you in some way

Body (what part of your body is their favourite, whose clumsier):

He loves every part of you but if he had to choose, he’d definitely go for your legs. Seeing how strong and smoky they are just makes him swoon. In terms of clumsiness, it’s you! He finds himself kissing your bruises from when you’ve accidentally hit your body on corners or hurt yourself in some way

Cuddles (is that something they like):

Absolutely LOVES his cuddles. Cannot get enough of them. He will actively search you out to get one

Domestic (who’s better at cleaning/cooking, who tends to be the one who fixes things):

Cleaning? You. Not to say he’s unclean but he does enjoy not having to deal with keeping up with cleaning as often. Cooking? Him. It’s one of his hidden talents after all! He really enjoys cooking, especially with you as he can use you as his personal Guinea pig with taste testing. He loves seeing your happy face when you try his food. With fixing, he’s surprisingly good at fixing things! Though he will usually try pass the job onto you first…

Ending (how would they handle a break up or a rough time):

Not the best, he will try and get comfort from close friends as he’d prefer to not be alone during hard times. He feels more comfortable being around people during

Fast (do they like to take their time with things or experience things quickly):

Christian struggles with attention so, although he tries not to at times, he tends to go through things quicker. He’d prefer to take his time but sometimes it’s so hard to keep himself focused that he end up rushing through things

Gentle (are they a gentle kind of person or more serious/strict):

Leans more towards gentle but can be strict or serious when he needs to. As he’s usually a laidback person he prefers to be seen as the nice one rather than the “nasty” one. He hates being the bad guy when it comes to telling someone off. He can do it, but he’s not happy about it

Hugs (favourite way to hug):

He couldn’t choose, honestly! He loves hugging the normal way as he enjoys being able to kiss you and feel your smile against his chest

Irritate (do they like to playfully irritate you, how do they do it/how do you irritate them):

The. List. Is. Unending. He will do everything and anything to push your buttons. He’s particularly interested in tickling you as he gets to hear your laugh. Another favourite of his is to bite you at inopportune times as he knows it gets on your nerves

Jealousy (how jealous do they get):

He doesn’t admit it, but he gets VERY jealous. It��s not like he’s stupid and thinks you’re trying it on with anyone because he knows you love him and him alone, but he just always wants your attention that he gets jealous when it’s given to someone else. He’s very much like a puppy who’s attached to their owner

Kisses (favourite way to kiss):

Christian is a cheeky boy and enjoys kissing the French way. He loves hearing you moan as he kisses you passionately. But his favourite is definitely just a regular one. The romance of it makes him swoon, make him feel comfortable and happy

Love language (how do they show it):

His love language is touch, words of affirmation, and gift giving. He loves to spoil you in any way he can especially. It’s hard to sometimes accept his gifts as you feel bad that he spent so much but with a little encouragement, you do eventually take them as it makes him happy too

Mornings (who wakes up first, who makes breakfast, how are mornings spent with each other):

You usually always wake up before him. He enjoys his lie ins, usually laying in bed for an extra 30 minutes just playing on his phone. And trying to convince you to stay and have a cuddle with him which usually always works. When you both do eventually get up, he likes to make you breakfast (it’s mostly because he’s very specific with his eggs)

Nights (how are nights spent with each other, who tends to fall asleep first):

You wake up first because you fall asleep first, before him. Mornings and nights are usually spent the same with some phone time and a big cuddle. Sometimes you’ll watch a movie together if you can be bothered and if you think you’ll both stay awake long enough for it

Open (are they open minded about certain topics, how open are they to sharing feelings):

He’s very open minded with you! No topic is too far for him, he’ll talk about anything and everything with you as he has no filter. It took him a little while to share his feelings in the start but with some encouragement, he did open up. At this point in your relationship, you hear every little thing that goes on and it makes you smile to hear how comfortable he is with you

Patience (are they patient with other people/you, how much can they take before they snap):

Very patient with you, he’s used to all your little questions and quirky habits! With other people? Not so much. If he doesn’t know someone as well and they do something that’s either irritating or takes a bit longer to do something, he gets very annoyed. Even if he doesn’t verbally say it, you can see him get irritated

Quizzes (how good is their memory):

Not as good as it used to be. Since he suffered his concussions, his memory went south. He can remember quite a lot of things but his short term memory isn’t fantastic anymore. You are usually always asked questions like “where are we going again?” And “have you seen my glasses?” Or some form if that question

Remember (what’s one thing they always remember from when you first got together):

He’ll never forget how when you were both outside having lunch and a seagull stole your sandwich from your hand and he got to see your shocked, annoyed face at the realisation of what had just happened. It’s still something he pokes fun at you for years later, and still gives him a giggle when he needs it

Safety (how protective are they of you, how do they protect you in situations):

Christian is very protective of you. The second he hears or sees someone trying to step up to you, he’s there. Normally a quiet, kind man, if he feels someone’s trying to hurt you he switches up in a second and will do whatever he feels is necessary to protect you. It usually involves his fists though…

Try (how much effort do they put into things such as dates):

He puts a lot of effort into dates as, even though he knows you’ll love whatever he plans as you get to spend some romantic time with him, he still wants to completely blow you away with what he puts together

Ugly (do they have any bad habits or insecurities):

Some of his worst habits include: peeing with the door open, spending a lot of time on his phone playing games, refusing to move from the sofa while watching any Hockey game, not allowing someone to help with something he’s doing like fixing something. In terms of insecurities, he’s mostly pretty secure with himself. However his biggest issue is that he tends to not feel ‘good enough’. That there’s always someone better. Which is crazy to you as there’s nobody else who compares to how truly amazing he is as whatever he does

Vanity (how concerned are they about their looks):

He likes to be well kept, neat and tidy but he doesn’t obsess over them. It’s mostly his hair and facial beard that he’s most concerned with keeping top notch at all times

Whole (how do they feel when you’re not there with them, do they feel incomplete):

Due to the nature of his work, he has gotten used to not always being able to be with you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss you terribly though. Every night he’s not with you, he feels your absence. It gets so bad to the point that he brings a bottle of your perfume and a top or jumper you’d wear around the home and pull it over a pillow so he can cuddle his pillow and imagine you’re there. It’s nowhere near as good as the real thing but it’s something that gets him by

Xtra (random headcanon):

It’s never been admitted by him but he 100% uses your toiletries in the shower as he loves the smell a lot more

Yuck (something that turns them off a person or just things that disgust them):

Seeing people spit or drool makes him want to vomit everywhere. Same as people with runny noses. He always turns away towards you for distraction so he doesn’t dry heave

Zzz (favourite way to sleep together):

Spooooooning. He’s always big spoon as he needs someone to hold on to during the night to help him sleep. A close second would be having you sleep on his chest as the warmth of your body helps him drift off

#christian cage #christian #captain charisma #christian wwe #jay reso #instant classic #christian cage headcanon

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deltastra · 2 years ago

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Going to be giving my thoughts on chapter 113 of Chainsaw Man

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Okay, as someone who hates deviating from a set schedule, I found this super funny.

But what’s more interesting is that Denji genuinely wants to enjoy his time here with her. I know that isn’t saying much but I’m so happy to see Denji doing normal teenager things. And when he said yes to going out on a date with Asa, it’s just so that he can experience an actual date because a girl finally asked him out.

But I will admit, I really want to see Nayuta and Denji’s home life now but that’ll wait as Asa is technically our MC (We did see Nayuta’s head when Denji was sleeping in the previous chapter I believe…).

POOR DENJI :(

Let the boy see his penguins!!! Another thing I like is that he’s more willing to stand up for himself and his opinions in Part 2! (Yes the majority of my reactions to this Part is just going to be me enjoying Denji’s progression as a character! >:3

Another interesting thing is that Asa seems to have trouble realising when her tone sounds rude. This dynamic is turning out to be more interesting than I initially thought and not from a romance perspective.

This is by far my favourite scene and solidifies my thinking on what Denji is like now.

He will not be controlled. He will not have another Makima in his life again.

It was hinted when he was eating cake with Yoshida. He tried to control Denji by taking away his cutlery, but Denji retaliated by eating with his bare hands. It was the “Denji” way of showing his new way of going through life.

But this scene is great too. I think he would’ve waited for her to finish but that “You don’t need to think about a thing” gave him red flags and for good reason. I’m sorry but I’m just so proud of Denji here. Go see those penguins king!

Poor Asa tho, she rehearsed so hard for this haha.

SOOO FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE?? Lets go!!!

Fami seems nice though, why is she helping Asa? Surely it’s not JUST because she’s her sister right?

But what’s more intriguing is that Yoru doesn’t want Asa to trust her. Do all the horsemen of the apocalypse hate each other?

I love how Denji’s first reaction is “Ah damn, Eternity devil is back again urghhh”

But wow, Fami’s ability is so unique. I wondered how they’d show “Famine” as an ability but even tho this is kind of like Eternity Devil’s ability, I suppose the difference is that you’ll eventually wither away from starvation.

Also wow Denji looks like a regular teenager in this shot. I’m so happy for him ;-;

_________

Overall, a great chapter! We get more insight on what Denji’s character is will be like for part 2, more insight Asa’s personality and mentality (which I think is that she is afraid to admit when she’s wrong? I need to look into that more, I’m not sure), and finally, Famine Devil confirmation.

And although it was brief, Yoru’s reaction to Fami gives me the feeling that the apocalypse sisters do not get along. I cant wait to see Death Devil but I’m sure they’re still in hell. I mean, Death is feared by so many people and animals, I’d be surprised if the devil isn’t the strongest in Hell…

#chainsaw man spoilers #chainsaw man #csm #csm 113 #csm denji #denji #asa mitaka #my thoughts #chainsaw man manga #chainsaw man manga spoilers

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lesbianp1lled · 3 months ago

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as a fellow gold star who's never been lucky enough to experience reciprocated love and has been led on by many bi women, I probably do read more male gay fiction than lesbian fiction tbh. because I obviously don't get anything out of straight romance, osa makes me nauseous or feel nothing at best, however every time I even watch a video of a lesbian couple or read lesbian fiction I get so deeply envious and sad, not in a toxic hateful way ofc, just flat out crying out of loneliness like an idiot.. so m/m fiction is the only emotional relief for me to relate to homosexual love while also being completely detached from any personal feelings since I'm not male nor into males.

I have no trauma with men, have thankfully never even had to pretend to have any romantic feelings towards any in my 25+ years and have never had any self-insert thoughts about any of the gay fiction I've read other than the occasional 'I wish I had a lesbian version of that relationship'.

I want to make it clear that it's not about internalized misogyny, just plain lesbian solitude and the feeling that no woman is really attracted to women (I know it's ridiculous but that's my trauma) and specifically to me. which is all the more upsetting since as I guess a conventionally attractive feminine woman I have to beat straight men off with a stick.

although I do realize now that this sort of escapism and detaching yourself from your own sexuality to get secondary emotional fulfillment from fictional relationships completely unrelated to you isn't healthy in the long run. it's just very hard to find a gf in my homophobic country so I've used fiction as a crutch to not deal with my own personal life.

I do think most so-called 'fujos' who actually fetishize gay men are bihets though who think thirsting after fem gay men makes them qweer, when that's literally ultimate het behaviour. just saw one call herself a lesbian while openly lusting after a gay man, saying she wishes she wasn't a lesbian and that he wasn't a 'man kisser' so they could be together because 'she needs him bad'. girl, you never were a lesbian, probably not even bi, also actually consider ki!!ing yourself, these homophobic fakebians have 0 shame nor logic denying the existence of homosexuals of either sex.

no lesbian would ever conjure up such a homophobic double 'conversion' fantasy, I'm enraged to the point of wanting to hurl. the gen z larpers are so unhinged now that they genuinely don't even respect homosexuality existing, all they do is fetishize opposite-sex homosexuality while spouting actual 'corrective' r*pe level hetero fantasies which I've noticed a lot of bihets from either sex have. a lot of this obsessing over 'p3gging' and feminizing men is born out of their fetishization of gay men, doubt any of them would even enjoy any of that, they just want to 'queerify' their zesty straight sexuality to look subversive, they even pretend it's 'feminist' somehow.

and ofc they either support the homophobic tiffies who larp as gay men of eventually become them, straight up admitting to wanting to r*pe gay men under the pretense of totes being men as well while wanting to have het aka piv sex with males.. it's sinister how every gay fandom is overrun with transhets or normie hets, don't even get me started on the yuri hentai fetishizing het male 'transbians' invading 'lesbian spaces' made up mostly of bi women anyway.. it's just way too personally offensive and painful to even witness.

what should be the only safe haven and a joyous source of entertainment makes me spiral with rage against the hetero machine instead. so often I see sb seemingly decent, exclusively posting about gay topics only to eventually reveal they are a bihet thirsting after opposite-sex homosexuals and my heart drops again. where are the real lesbians?

so while I know from personal experience that people can enjoy fiction that doesn't relate to their sexuality, it is rare and usually related to some sort of trauma. I know het women who never consume het romance because it's so unrealistic/ insulting to their experiences and only read f/f fiction. whereas for me I do now admit it stems from loneliness and trust issues with women, fearing all women will turn out to be hetero and leave me to the dust again. my ex told me I was the perfect woman for her and that she'd never date a male again only to ghost me randomly and get married to a male who looks like he could be her uncle within a year or two lol.

I was just happy to see a lovely post from a woman about her wife only for her entire feed to be about obsessively thirsting after a ton of famous men. imagine just getting married to a woman as a same-sex attracted woman only to write insane s3xually harassing comments like a het coomer towards a grown strange man (who at least presents stereotypically gay btw, common denominator), saying bs like he's 'her pwecious pwetty boy' whose abs give her an aneurysm.. and it's just some skinny twink, no offense. I've never even met het women this male-crazed. bet her wife's the same if she tolerates that. they genuinely think calling a vaguely 'pretty' man their 'girlfriend' justifies their hetero attraction towards males as a supposed 'lesbian'. they truly are our worst most insidiously evil enemy, they're the ones who embolden trans-identified het males to believe they can be included in lesbianism. I'd rather stay single and loveless forever than humiliate myself by dating a bihet like that..

I would never trust sb is actually a lesbian if they have a dedicated account for posting about men, fictional or not, obsessing over a particular man/ men. nah, I'm a fan of some male singers etc but having an account for posting about everything they do is simply not lesbian behaviour even if they pretend it's platonic admiration. no lesbian is that obsessed with a man/ men.

that’s the main sign to look out for, it's one thing to root for a gay couple and completely different to have any ideation about inserting yourself into that relationship or fantacize about the men in question. which is so disgustingly homophobic as well, idk even if the characters are bi, having het thoughts about people in a same-sex relationship is gross peak bihet behaviour. I'm also generally heterophobic to be fair, spare me of any mention of osa.

so it does bother me that anyone female who consumes any male gay fiction/ media is automatically associated with these homophobic osa lunatics, however as mentioned, it is unfortunately often justified. there is ofc gay fan fiction in particular written by hetero-attracted women which fetishizes gay men but a lot of it is just general escapist romance from a female perspective, reading more like a lesbian relationship which is why it's relatable to lesbians as well while retaining that sense of detachment. I truly just need one good woman to fix me lol and bring me out of this self-destructive denial of myself as a romantic/ sexual person who deserves love.

I have hope for you anon that you will find the woman of your dreams one day, even in a homophobic country it’s still possible 🙏

I get why you read m/m fiction. It’s just when these women are SO OBSESSED with m/m fiction and nothing but m/m fiction that I side eye them. Like I said before, I have read books with m/m characters in them, even though it’s not my first choice, i’d go for a sapphic book first, but I think there are good m/m stories too! I read Maurice which is one of the first classic gay books by e.m foster a few years ago and it’s really good even though mid-way through to the ending it’s quite sad.

#asks #answered

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itsclydebitches · 2 years ago

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With all the discussion of CRWBY/RT's apparent obsession with heroic sacrifices in RWBY as of late (and how poorly framed/managed they are), a part of me can't help but wonder if they're trying to chase the high of Epsilon/Church's sacrifice at the end of Red VS Blue Season 13. (Here's the scene in question for context: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5jM_mrOqec) Which I will admit, I found to be a pretty good scene as a sendoff to the character and at the time thought it was a nice way to end the show. Though RT ended up souring it by continuing on with season 15.

Thank you for the clip! I obviously have no idea what RT's motivations might be regarding the prevalence of these sacrifices - is it "chasing the high" or is RvB just early evidence of a writing trend? - but regardless, I like this a whole lot more than what RWBY's been giving us. I think this has a nice balance between the somber, emotional soundtrack and the funny one-liners that sound like they're core summaries of many character's personalities (unlike Weiss who suddenly becomes the comic relief). I like that Church (if I'm right about how is speaking there) doesn't actually end with "...I hate you all the least!" but has his actual goodbye speech once he's privately recording. I'm missing a ton of the nuances of his argument, but I like that it at least comes across as thought out: he's reassuring the AI voice that he's sure about this, he lays out how the sacrifice will hopefully help the others survive, he acknowledges that he's only here in the first place because of them, and there's some element of being "held back" that this sacrifice would do away with. Finally, I LOVE the self-referential acknowledgement that heroes don't get to see if their sacrifice was worth it (which is one of the problems with having Penny die and then chat with Winter, or Ruby drinking the tea and then waking up fine in the tree: suicide presented as just a journey where you don't really lose your connection to life), ending with the blank screen. We don't get to know if they win either! We are emotionally connected to Church in this moment, experiencing the story through him, and like him we don't get the reassurance of knowing whether the others survived! (Well, until you hit Season 14, apparently lol). You've just gotta have faith that the sacrifice meant something - "aint that a bitch."

And all this, I want to stress, is coming from someone who has NEVER watched more than like two episodes of RvB,which I've now totally forgotten. This scene is the entirety of my context... and I enjoyed it. Which I bring up largely because of the Moistcritikal drama. Personally, I take issue with the idea that someone's negative opinion of a clip is unreliable because they haven't seen the rest of the show. Does that mean then that my enjoyment is unreliable too? Most RWBY fans wouldn't say so because, after all, why would you get mad about others agreeing with you? They're only up in arms because he was critical of the show, rather than praising it, despite both situations stemming from the same ignorance. To say nothing of the fact that criticism is dismissed even when fans (like me) do keep up with the canon, a ton of the side material, are immersed in fandom, and are present for every major development. Doing everything "right," apparently, still doesn't earn you any trust in your opinion, so... why was all that necessary again?

I do believe that context (for obvious reasons) can severely skew an opinion one way or another. For example, I recently saw a new Magnus Archives listener saying that although they were loving the podcast, it really took them out of it to try and believe that all these people just happened to write down perfectly composed, poetic narratives about their experiences. I so wanted to say that there was a reason for this. That, eventually, the podcast would reveal a canonical explanation for how this occurs, taking what's originally a huge aspect of suspension of disbelief - arguably to the point of annoyance - and reframing it as a major worldbuilding detail that enhances the enjoyment instead of detracting from it. So there are obviously cases like that, just like I might enjoy the RvB scene more or less depending on my experience with the rest of the show... but that doesn't mean my enjoyment now is wrong? Nor is Moistcritikal's lack of enjoyment wrong. I find the 'Oh, you just don't understand and you're willingness to speak on the topic without every scrap of information is insulting' to be, itself, a pretty insulting response. This desire to invalidate someone's honest opinion of what they've been given is an issue on its own, but beyond that, a good show should be able to read well even without the rest of the context. Hasn't anyone ever analyzed a clip of a show in school that they enjoyed? Gotten excited over an ambiguous moment in a trailer? Decided to watch something based on just a video/GIF-set here on tumblr with no other info? Good media is good even when you don't fully know what's going on and bad media will read badly without the distraction of already being emotionally connected to the show. Toss in the fact that people can pick up a fair bit of context from the scenes themselves and that Moistcritikal had fans in the chat explaining the situation. People can still look at a clip and think the dialogue is badly written, or the acting shoddy, or the animation poor, or the whole conflict - once explanations are given - to be pretty badly conveyed. None of this takes an intimate knowledge of nine Volumes to develop an opinion on. Moistcritikal might miss character dynamic details like Yang standing in front of a passive Blake to 'protect' her from her little sister, but he can still respond to the general gist of the situation and the ways in which it was executed.

#rwde #rwby #RvB #mymetas

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dominaxnoctis · 1 year ago

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Now I’m even more curious, what’s Lydia’s opinion of Kurda? / @mariiposas unprompted questions status: always accepting !

HOOOOOOO this is a whole box of angst I didn't know I'd be unpacking ajsdkjas.

So I haven't talked much about her relationships with the other vampires on this blog as I have on past blogs for Lydia (had two others and lost the passwords because I have the memory of peanut), but she was also good friends with Kurda Smahlt. I could actually lowkey argue she was closer to Kurda than she was with any of the others but she won't talk about him unless pried so it's not easily brought up. Lowkey almost shipped them even, but that's a whole other thing. He was closer to her age compared to the others she knew or met (who most were MUCH older than her and Darren was much younger while Kurda was only 30 years older than Lydia).

If Kurda is brought up in post story 'present' parts of her timeline Lydia refuses to talk about it for several reasons. His betrayal was one of the most hurtful moments in her time as a vampire besides the loss of Rosaline (I say this because nothing can be more hurtful than her time being alive and losing everything all at once, but this crept fairly close to agonizing).

Yet, despite what he had done, she does make a passing mention after his death that she could never truly hate him as much as she absolutely wanted to for what he did because Kurda always had good intentions and only ever put others first rather than himself. She even broke down after his execution when she was finally alone. Any mention of Kurda is painful enough, it's fairly easy to see it in her eyes no matter how hard she tries to hide it. Which of course that leads to him becoming Harkat.

I'd say knowing that the tiny people belonged to Desmond made her EXTREMELY distrustful towards them. I'm talking anytime poor little guy was around her she would stare daggers into him like he was some type of monster to be rid of, but after it's revealed that he was Kurda before there's an entire turn around in her attitude towards him. More polite, eyes softening when she looks at him, etc. Although she still looks extremely sad when she does lay eyes on him. She doesn't really speak to him though. She refrains from it even though he doesn't remember anything himself even after Desmond revealing it(especially since his reaction to that is different depending on the Manga or Book), and remains that way towards him. She never sees Harkat again after the events of the series, but muses about him fondly saying she found him 'endearing and somewhat adorable' yet won't outright say it's because of his connection to Kurda.

NOW IF WE GO WITH ALTERNATE TIMELINE WE GET A GLIMPSE OF AT THE END OF THE SERIES (which l lowkey wanna make a verse for because happier??? Lydia? Come on now-)

I'd say with many of the ones she lost being alive, her personality changes a lot. All of the deaths experiences contributed to Lydia being more cold and distant as well as definitely contributed to her habit of pushing others away. If theoretically that alternate timeline happened instead and Kurda was somehow alive, she would still hold Kurda in high regard noting that he might have been a traitor before, but she herself eventually forgave him. So she would be much more willing to be openly opinionated about him and it would mostly be positive rather than driven by her feelings of being upset and hurt.

TLDR: Her feelings towards that man are a little sus, but she wont admit it nor talk about him because everything that happened with him was too painful.

Also their personalities were very similar in terms of 'intelligence/kindness over fighting strength' and I think if we put all of those events aside Lydia genuinely liked him for not only that but just how kind-hearted Kurda was. Other vampires may have seen that as a weakness, but Lydia admired him for it and often thought he made up for what some of the others lacked.

#// Thank you for this too I haven't had many chances to ramble about this stuff recently adjksadj #// This got way longer than I expected but also has me lowkey eyeing that ship again.#mariiposas #🕸ᴡɪᴛʜᴇʀᴇᴅ ᴘᴀʀᴄʜᴍᴇɴᴛ / asks #🕸ɪɴᴅᴇᴄɪꜱɪᴏɴ ɪꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴏᴜʀᴄᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴄʜᴀᴏꜱ / musings

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pieceofcqke · 3 years ago

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how would classic engie feel about tf2 engie getting married to a transman? would he treat them any differently? how would he treat anyone romantically involved with his son?

CLASSIC ENGINEER + TF2 ENGIE X READER

Second person POV, trans man hcs mostly, general hcs.

(I had no idea what to title this one. 😂 I hope you enjoy.)

If you’re trans, you may need to put in more effort to convince Engie’s family about you, at least to a point of acceptance.

Fred wouldn’t understand at first. He grew up in a conservative, southern household during the early 1900’s, mind you. He was used to being surrounded by people who shared the same values and beliefs. All this to say he’s never actually been around a trans person before, at least knowingly.

TFC Engie, usually blunt about his opinions, would be extra dodgy with the way he talks to you two. It’s clear that he doesn’t approve.

Dell would be appalled of course, but wouldn’t always stand up for you. Though he loves you to death regardless of your gender, he’s deathly afraid of letting down his family.

I hope your someone who’s strong enough to take the heat, because you’ll have to put up with it for a while until they can all come to their senses.

On the bright side, Engie will always be there to comfort you if your upset. He’ll reassure you that his opinion hasn’t wavered because of his dad. He’ll pull you into his arms and call you the most handsomest man that’s ever walked the damn planet. He hates seeing you upset over this.

Best case scenario, Fred’s opinion of you will change the more he gets to know you, and the rest of the family will follow suit. Once you’ve gained their respect, your identity won’t matter to them, and they’ll refer to you the correct way.

Fred is a family man with a nurturing side. Once he starts to see you as part of his family, he’ll treat you as his own child. He’ll take you on excursions, just the two of you, to spend some time together.

Although it would take a really long time for him to accept you, and an eternity to start to see you as more than an asset to the family, he’ll gain more insight from your conversations. He’ll start to empathize with your experiences, and his undying loyalty to his family will eventually extend to you too.

Fred’s demeanor towards you will be noticeably more relaxed and sincere, he’ll stop making subtle comments about his doubt. He’ll call you “son” and ask you to help around the workshop. Maybe one day he’ll even grow to love you as a family member.

Anyone who wants to marry into the Conagher family will have to gain their approval first. No matter your gender, this will be a long and grueling process. They’ll be watching your every move, judging you behind closed doors.

They want you to prove your worth. If you can’t handle the pressure, then you can kiss their blessings goodbye. You’ll have to adapt to a life of lies, hard work, and crime. They all may put up a charming, hospitable front, sure, but only to conceal their secrets.

If this proves too difficult for you, then Dell will gladly take you away from that environment. He understands completely, although you’ll probably still be forced to see the family sometimes. Dell is more chained to them than he cares to admit. It would be very hard to escape his mercenary family.

If he finds a way however, he wouldn’t mind running away and starting a new kind of life with you. Dell only wants to see you happy.

Authors Note: I hope this is up to your standards! I always get nervous about writing for other people. My interpretation of Fred and the Conagher family dynamic isn’t exactly the most wholesome, as most of the fandom loves to interpret it being. 😅 Thank you for the request!

#tf2 x reader #team fortress #team fortress classic #tf2 engineer #tfc engineer #tfc

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merakiui · 4 years ago

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hii could we get an angsty scenario/hcs of xiao and scaramouche/any characters you prefer! who are basically head over heels for someone but that person keeps getting with the wrong people and constantly getting their heart broken? Preferably with a good/fluffy ending but it’s up to you!

cw: angst + heartbreak note - decided to go for scenarios! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

[Xiao]

One Call Away—

The sudden shout of his name had brought him out into the open, where he finds you sitting in a field of wildflowers, your head hung and quiet sobs racking your hunched form.

“You called?” The gruffness in his voice startles you and your head snaps up. He notices your pained expression and the tears that refuse to cease, and it gives birth to a strange feeling within his chest. “What happened? Surely I am not too late.” And then he shakes his head. “No, I’m never late.”

“Ah... I’m sorry.” You sniffle, pitifully rubbing at your eyes. “I guess your name slipped out. I didn’t mean to bother you. I just didn’t mean to call for you either.”

Xiao raises a brow and then surveys the surrounding area. “Well, it doesn’t look like you’re in any mortal peril. In that case, I’ll leave you to—”

“No!”

Your sudden shout startles the both of you, with you drawing back and Xiao’s eyes widening ever so slightly. He wonders why you’re crying when beautiful scenery surrounds you. Are you truly that pathetic? Are mortals usually this weak-hearted? Xiao can’t wrap his head around the idea of grief; he’s an immortal who has seen plenty of hazardous scenarios worth grieving over. Yet with the passage of time he has learned to let such emotions drift away on a wind current. Emotions are useless to an adeptus.

But now he’s stuck with them.

“No?”

“D-Don’t go...” Your voice wobbles and you wipe at your reddened eyes. “I don’t want to bother you, but could you stay here with me? For a little while, at least. It’s all I’ll ask...”

He feels like he should decline your desperate plea before it spreads its perplexing roots throughout his system. The words are practically on the tip of his tongue and he struggles to verbalize them. If he could, he’d shake his head and vanish from your sight. There’s something about your expression that forces him to stay, and he truly detests the way his emotions run wild at the prospect of something he can’t quite comprehend.

“Fine.”

And so Xiao listens to you. It’s something he does best; his eyes and ears are open as he gives you his full, undivided attention. Half of him observes your reactions as you explain what happened and the other half zeros in on the way your subtle hand motions. While he might not be anywhere near a cupid—and he would never be caught giving out relationship advice to mortals, which is something he couldn’t do even if he tried—he is still a being of immense power. From what he’s able to understand from your explanation, your loved one decided to part from you because they believed it just wasn’t working. And you, having been struck with an immense sadness, failed to call out to them to clear up any misunderstandings.

Eventually, after internally wrestling with his own thoughts and feelings, he asks, “Do you want me to teach them a lesson? Should you need them to feel the same amount of despair you’re feeling—”

“Oh, no! No. No. They don’t deserve to be punished for that. I understand now that our feelings weren’t the same. We really weren’t working and that’s okay. It just...hurts.”

Xiao tilts his head, an innocently childish show of confusion. “Where?”

“It’s not a physical pain, Xiao. I mean, it could be. But...this is more emotional.” Your hand reaches out, fingers wrapping around his wrist. He stares down at your hand and he almost pulls away. Before he can even consider what’s happening, you’re guiding his hand to where your heart is. “In here. It hurts now, but I’ll overcome it eventually. I’m used to it anyways...”

The straight-faced adeptus remains still as he feels the fast-paced beat of your heart. Mortals have always been weak in his eyes: feeble beings who break at the slightest inconvenience. Although you don’t seem close to shattering and that confuses him more than he’d like to admit. Perhaps you are one of the more resilient humans he’s come across in recent years. It’s strange when he feels your heartbeat, so very certain and alive with the sour feelings a heartbreak brings. He’s never understood that either. Heartbreaks and relationships. The differences between friendship and romance. Both can be seen through to the very end, if fostered healthily.

So then why are you so sad?

Truthfully, you’ve always seemed sad to Xiao. As an adeptus, he’s never been able to fully grasp the meaning behind human emotions. They’re insignificant in his eyes, mere flashes of feeling that can hurt and blind. They’re troublesome and useless—certainly not something he would ever want to experience. But those emotions can heal and bring cheer. They’re not all entirely bad, nor are they as evil as he seems to think they are.

Xiao realizes his hand has been on your chest for a while now and he’s been staring at you so much that you’ve begun to shrink away, partially embarrassed to have him analyze you with so much scrutiny.

“Is...something wrong?”

He shakes his head slowly at first before retracting his arm. And then he notices you’ve stopped crying. He’s not sure when this happened, but he’s oddly relieved to see your neutral expression. Somehow your crying face is painful and it wounds him in a way he never would have imagined.

“Thank you for listening to my rant. I know this is probably meaningless to you, since you’re an adeptus and all, but it really means a lot. So I’m glad I was able to get these things off my chest. I feel a lot lighter now.”

“You’re not sad?”

“Ah. Well...” Your gaze flickers, eyes darting to and fro while you struggle to look at him. “I’m still sad, but I’ll get over it! Don’t worry! I’m resilient!”

Xiao’s brow furrows in confusion. As he has thought plenty of times before, mortals are far too complex. Eventually he sighs and says, “It’s okay to cry. Don’t keep that inside, okay? You’ll just hurt yourself even more.” Now he’s avoiding your gaze and there’s a barely noticeable tinge of pink dusting his pale cheeks. He’s really not good at consoling humans.

“Oh, Xiao.” You pull him in for a hug and he stiffens, trying to squeeze out of your arms like a cat near water. But then he feels your fingers digging into his arm and he realizes that you might actually need this hug. Despite the fact that he’s not used to freely giving out hugs—or even cheering up mortals, for that matter—he is definitely out of his element. “Really, thank you. I promise to make you an Almond Tofu as thanks.”

“There’s no need for that.” Hesitantly, as if he’s worried he’ll break you, he wraps his arms around your form. “I’m just helping you because you called my name. That’s all.”

But that’s not the full truth. Hidden in those words is the real reason why he even bothered to stay despite the false alarm. And it worries Xiao when he thinks about the implications. He really does like you and this admiration has surpassed platonic love. As long as you’re okay, though, he’ll swallow his feelings in favor of making sure you’re always happy. It’s one of his duties as your friend.

Friend. A word Xiao never thought he’d ever use, but it feels nice. He likes it.

Yet The Distance Remains Harrowing.

[Scaramouche]

To Mend a Broken Heart—

You’re spilling your emotional guts in front of the Sixth of the Fatui Harbingers, tears freely running down your cheeks like two faulty water faucets. It’s a pathetic sight, really. Scaramouche witnessed this exact show just a few weeks ago when you were so certain that that fisher was the one. Now, after meeting and getting together with someone else for a short time, you’ve come out of yet another relationship, unhappy and unsatisfied.

He’s jealous. There’s no denying the envy he feels when you talk so highly of these people and then wail about them a few days later. It’s a vicious cycle of mending a fragile heart and then breaking it into pieces all over again. With no end in sight, you fall victim to your own demise in the pursuit of love. He wonders if you’ll ever learn to choose your next partner carefully rather than settling for anything with a pulse.

“This is exactly what I said would happen, was it not?” he says with a sigh. “Oh, woe is you. If you were smarter, this last relationship might have lasted longer.”

“That’s rich coming from you. I’ve never seen you in a relationship before,” you mutter, wiping angrily at your eyes. His eyelid twitches at the not-so-subtle jab. “Ugh!I hate being so unlucky! This is the worst.”

“Rather than your foul luck, I think the problem lies within you and your taste in partners.”

Sniffling, you lower your head onto the table, hoping to just melt into the crafted wood before you end up making even more of a fool out of yourself. It’s rare to be in the company of Scaramouche, considering how often he’s assigned missions that require swift travel and a covert profile. But whenever you do find yourself sitting across from him, indulging in light snacks and tea, it’s always because you’ve lost your latest lover; and your own sadness requires the nullifying effects of Scaramouche’s cynicism.

“They’re good people! I just don’t know why it never works out. We’re happy and we both like each other—it doesn’t make any sense. Am I missing something? Is it my fault? They probably got tired of me because I’m not a good person.“

“Perhaps.” He takes a moment to sip his tea and you muster a weak glare. Only Scaramouche can delight in his beverage while you’re holding back another onslaught of tears. “Your crocodile tears are hardly flattering and your apparent need for consistent affection might come off as clingy. And you have a tendency to find flaws within yourself whenever something doesn’t go your way. Adding onto that, you doubt yourself a lot and you’re always quick to take the blame for things that are out of your control. In a way you are partially—”

“I get it. I’m not a good person.”

“I never said anything of that sort. Now you’re just asking for pity.”

Oh, how close you are to punching that smirk off of his face.

“Then since you seem to know everything, my oh so helpful friend, why don’t you tell me what I’m missing?”

“With pleasure.” His cup finds the surface of the table as he ponders your demand for a moment. “You’re missing someone who meshes well with your personality.”

“That’s not true. Everyone I’ve been with so far—“ His skeptical look makes you stop short. “Okay. Maybe we forced it because we thought it was love. But that’s besides the point! There was still an attraction! I think...” You huff and bury your face in your arms, nearly almost sprawling on the table. You’re too depressed to even consider how impolite your actions look, and Scaramouche scoffs at your poor display of manners. “Where am I even going to find someone who ‘meshes well with my personality,’ hm?”

“I’m sure you’ve already found them.” He clears his throat, tracing a finger along a sanded knot in the wooden table. “You’re sitting across from him.”

Whether he intended for you to hear that whispered part, you can’t say for sure. But your head perks up and you fix him with a lopsided grin. “You’re kidding.”

“Hm?”

“Me and you, a couple?” A small giggle escapes your lips and you swipe the remaining tears out of your eyes. “Don’t joke about that. I’m trying to be sad here!”

It wasn’t a joke, he almost says and he catches himself, suddenly self-conscious.

“I don’t think we’d work out,” you continue, motioning between you and him. “We’d hardly see each other and you don’t seem like the type for romance. Besides, I’m not attracted to you in that way. You feel the same, right?”

Scaramouche stares into his cup before he meets your gaze, a tight smile gracing his expression. “Of course. Your inability to settle isn’t all that attractive.”

Your eyes roll and you finally pick up your own cup to take a large gulp of lukewarm tea. The bitter Harbinger observes your actions with narrowed eyes. There’s a distinct pain that taps at his hardened soul, splitting it apart as your words echo within his spinning head. I don’t think we’d work out. I’m not attracted to you in that way. Why is he suddenly feeling...upset? He’s not one for pitiful emotions; he’s a Harbinger, not a lovesick fool! He ought to glare at you and storm off, demanding the two of you never speak again. But he won’t say that because he doesn’t want to hurt you. Because he cares for you. Because he loves you.

You feel the same, right?

No, that’s not right. This is the love he’s been wallowing in since he first got acquainted with you. It’s strange when he remembers every event that has led up to the blossoming feelings that reside deep in the epicenter of his heart, but it’s even more strange that he can’t find the courage to voice his own opinion.

“We wouldn’t mix,” he reaffirms your statement with a cold tone. There is no warmth in his eyes. “After all, your taste in tea is as bad as your taste in partners.”

And even though he wishes you could see through his walls—just this once he’ll allow you to tear them down for the sake of a half-baked confession—you just sit there and grin, no longer teary-eyed and forlorn. How odd. His heart feels far heavier than it’s ever been before. And you’re already scanning your surroundings, hungry for a love that will never keep you sated. Perhaps you weren’t even sad in the first place.

Upon realizing this, Scaramouche wants nothing more than to disappear into the wood like a feeble worm and never come back out.

You Must Break Another.

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact scenario #genshin impact xiao #xiao x reader #xiao scenario #xiao #genshin impact scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche scenario #scaramouche

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bibbykins · 4 years ago

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Rocking Chairs and Rocking Cars

A/N: No full blown smut here, but ofc horny thoughts remain! I should be posting the aftermath texts and what not soon, but I hope you enjoy this in the mean time! It’s a bit rushed, but I hope that doesn’t ruin the experience for you! As always, tips are appreciated since I am saving up to buy a house with my gf, but ofc tips are not required! Hope you all have a great day/night!

Note: This is a drabble for The Household’s Bunny Series

Pairing: Soft Yandere! Jungkook x Chubby! Reader x Soft Yandere! Hoseok

Word Count: 5k

Warnings: 18+, crying, lonliness, body image issues, unhealthy workout habits, abandonment, allusions to body dysmorphia, mommy issues, grinding, lustful thoughts, mentions of cumming, mentions of erections, pussy cupping (?), not rlly yandere although this is kinda a soft yandere series, obsessive behaviors, low self esteem, horrible communication, mentions of anxiety, mentions of car shaking

The house was quiet, and somehow knowing that no one else was home made your floor feel that much more empty. Granted, none of the guys came up all that often. Ever the gentlemen, they actively tried not to intrude on your space. Although, you really wish they did on days like these. It was 10am on a Saturday morning, although the lack of natural light could fool anyone otherwise. The clouds were heavy in the sky, cradling the sunlight in a thick blanket of grey, squeezing themselves for all the water they have. The rain tapped on your window, almost mocking you, reminding you that water was the only company you had.

You debated texting to ask if anyone wanted to come home and have a movie night, or build a fort, or just simply sit next to you, but decided you would just be bothering them. You had that very intimate moment with Jin and Yoongi, and they had remained sweet with you, but you weren’t able to be intimate with them again yet. They had been busy and you had been deprived of the very addicting affection. You’re sure they would come to you if asked, but you didn’t want to be clingy. The last thing you wanted to do was annoy them by following them around like a puppy just because they made you cum. They hadn’t explicitly stated they liked you as anything more than a friend, and you never wanted to go through the embarrassment of assuming such a thing again.

With college almost done, you had nothing to distract you from the looming loneliness you feel sometimes, and it was exhausting. You grew up by yourself, and you swore that would change when you were older. You were determined to be surrounded by people who loved you as much as you loved them, and yet, here you were. You were laying on a couch, watching the rain fall, all by yourself in a 10 floor renovated motel, reaping the consequences of high hopes and naivety your child self didn’t understand. You were never good at making friends, not that your plump figure helped you with your social drawbacks either. Although you made peace with your lack of charisma in person and have made strides to loving your body, the loneliness never subsided for long.

There were few things you loved more than talking to people and having them listen to you and vice versa, and yet it rarely happened. Maybe you had been spoiled by your seven housemates, so it was making this bout of loneliness that much worse. Since moving in, there was almost always someone home making noise or even talking to you. However, they all told you summer was their busy season, and boy, they weren’t kidding. You had caught mere glimpses of the boys this week, only communicating via text and post it notes.

You pressed your eyes closed for a moment as you listened to the rain. You thought of your mom. Her cheeks were chubby like yours and you remember her crying when she figured your metabolism was the same as hers, and you couldn’t understand why she hated herself so much that she wanted you to be nothing like her. Your mother had always been beautiful in your opinion, and it was a shame she never saw herself, or you, in that way. You thought about forcing yourself to go to the gym with her for hours on end, just to be able to be next to her. You had always been desperate for her company, desperate to be liked by her. Part of you regrets putting your body through that, but then a part of you is happy you were able to spend time with her until she left.

Ah, yes, the day she left. That’s exactly what you should be thinking about right now, on a rainy day, all by yourself. You cringed when you felt a tear get a little too close to your ear, wiping it away. You were shocked when you felt even more in its wake. You always felt really silly when you cried, but you figured you might as well let it happen if you're gonna be home alone on a rainy day, thinking of all the ways people avoided spending time with you while you tried even harder to spend time with them. Who's next? Jungyoon? The uncle who took you in just to admit drunkenly how much the sight of you upsets him three hours into your 17th birthday. Your dad? No. That's not wise.

You sighed. Maybe if you had learned better social cues when you were younger, you wouldn't be a college graduate with no friends to talk to.

It didn't take long for you to break into full on sobs. You stuck somewhere between angry at the people who didn't want to be with you and sad that they didn't want to. Childishly, you deemed it wasn't fair and all you could do was cry. You hadn't had a day like this in a while, but holy shit did it suck each time.

Eventually, you ceased your tears and were left a red and puffy mess, so you decided to go to the kitchen to depuff your face with some ice. Then the rest of your day could only go up from here. You had your cry, and even though the elevator was going down, your day would only go-

OH NO WHY IS IT STOPPING AT FLOOR 5?!

You couldn't even think of who it could be as you looked in the mirror at the corner of the elevator and wished to evaporate. You had obviously been crying, terribly. Nevermind you were in a cropped long sleeve, short shorts, and thigh highs, your eyes were red and a little puffy, your cheeks were clearly tear stained, and even your lips were swollen. You couldn't, "oh, it's allergies." Your way out of this one.

"I didn't know you were home, Hobi." You murmured.

"Yeah, I just popped in real quick to grab something before I go back to…" Hoseok's smile dropped the instant he saw your face. You didn't even have the chance to look away, but you tried to anyway. He gently gripped your chin, guiding your eyes to meet his, "Bunny, is everything okay?"

You pressed your lips together before nodding, "Yeah, it's just…" You glanced at his face, surprised to see him clinging onto your every word, "Sometimes, I get lonely." You shrugged as his eyes widened, "I get to thinking about my mom and…" You made vague hand movements as you shrugged.

He thought for a moment, “Even though we all kind of grew up together, we never really treated each other like more than roommates, but you’re here now.” He pulled you into a tight hug and you gasped before relaxing into his embrace. You closed your eyes for a moment as you held him close to you, "We've all been really busy, I didn't even consider how lonely you would feel." He lamented and you shook your head.

"I'm a big girl, I can be alone." Your words were muffled in his shirt, "It's just a little crying-"

"But you don't have to be alone anymore, and I don't want you to cry, none of us do." He placed a chaste kiss on your forehead, "Thinking about my mom used to really ruin my day, doesn't now, so don't worry, but that took time." You nodded, feeling tears creep in again.

"Thank you." You hummed as he pulled back, "Sorry to-"

He shushed you, putting his finger on your lips, shaking his head at your apology.He leaned his forehead on yours, making your breath hitch, "Do you want to go with me?" He asked softly.

You blinked in confusion, "With you, where?"

His grin only widened and you looked to him skeptically, “Do you trust me?” He asked all too innocently and you nodded, “Then, do you want to go with me?” He asked again as he placed purple-tinted sunglasses on his face.

“I suppose…” You studied his smug face, “Let me go change-” You went to press the next floor so you could get off but were stopped with a soft grip from Hoseok.

“I’m in a bit of a rush, and you look great.” He smiled as the elevator reached the entrance.

You wanted to protest, but you let it be. Surely you would not stick out in the slightly scandalous outfit you were in.Truthfully, it was your body that seemed to make it scandalous to other people. Although, if you had a skirt on, it would just be a typical outfit for you, so maybe it wasn’t so weird? These thoughts ran through your mind as you slipped on some shoes and went into Hoseok’s very nice car.

So are you gonna tell me where we’re going or…?” You asked as the renowned hair stylist drove with a smirk in response to your question, “Okay Mr. Mysterious, can I ask questions about it until we get there?” You asked cheekily.

He chuckled, “Of course, you can do whatever you want, baby.” His voice was silky smooth and the nickname shot straight to your nether regions and you scolded yourself for it.

“Are we going to a job of yours or am I just running errands with you?” You looked at his unwavering smile as you asked.

“A job, but the client will not mind if you’re there, before you ask.” He stole your next question by answering it smugly. You pursed your lips as you studied him. He was in a lavender dress shirt with the top two buttons undone and sleek navy blue slacks, all of which complimented his black hair.

You, on the other hand, wore a baby pink turtleneck with the hem ending just barely above your matching form-fitting high-waisted fabric shorts, showing just a sliver of your stomach skin while a lot of your thigh skin was on display with white over-the knee socks. You had taken scandalous photos for your OnlyFans, and if you lifted your arms all the way up, a lacy bralette would greet the outside world. You were just feeling a bit self conscious considering the well dressed man in the car next to you. Sure, you looked cute, but was this level cute appropriate for his job? You didn’t want to make a bad impression and have that effect Hoseok.

“And here we are.” He sang and you snapped back to reality as he parked behind a building that had no defining qualities from the back. The ride went by in a flash and you pouted a bit at not even asking another question.

Ever the gentleman, he opened the door for you as he led you inside with him. The hallways were crowded with people running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Judging by the bits of chatter you could pick up as you scurried behind Hoseok, this was a photography studio and a high-level star was having a photoshoot.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here!” A man that seemed to be in his late 30s sighed in relief when he saw Hoseok, “He is in the worst mood today, and I’m so frightened-who is that?” The man’s wild eyes fixated on you for the briefest of moments and he realized your puffy features and shook his head, “Whatever, just go in there and calm him-”

“This is our housemate, y/n, and the shoot isn’t for another 30 minutes and he just needs hair, right?” Hoseok spoke calmly in spite of the chaos surrounding the both of you as the man nodded, “Great, I just need to touch him up and we’ll calm him down in time to take some good photos.” The man nodded tiredly, “Is the dressing room empty now?”

“Yeah, he kicked everyone out so he could calm down, but that never works.” The man cried out helplessly, “Why is he so frightening?!” Hoseok simply patted the man before navigating the hallways. Frightening? The man shivering looked quite burly and tall, who could be scaring him so much?

The “we’ll” made you nervous, but you held Hoseok’s hand so you wouldn’t get lost until he pushed through a dressing room door, “Hobi’s here.” He chimed and you heard a man behind a partition grunt. You looked around the spacious room to see a comfy looking green L couch along with a wooden rocking chair, which you thought was interesting. Beyond that, there was the typically lavish amount of mirrors and counter space, “I also brought a surprise!” Hoseok sang and you were ripped from your observations.

“It better not be anything dumb-” Jungkook’s voice died on the impact that was emerging from the partition and seeing you. Hise eyes studied your body, namely the slight squish of skin between your socks and shorts, which made his pants feel a bit tight, “Y/n, what…”His voice trailed off when he noticed you had definitely been crying, and not long ago. Right as he was going to accuse Hoseok, he saw you let go of his hand and give him a smile, figuring it wasn’t him that made you upset.

Your eyes brightened when you saw a familiar face, “Oh hi, Kook!” You beamed, “I didn’t realize Hoseok was taking me with him to see you, how nice!” You cheered, “I’ll be out of your way while you work, though!” You went to go sit on the couch as Jungkook nodded, robotically making his way to the chair in front of the mirror. He wore a silky black shirt with a harness around his waist and black slacks with razor thin pinstripes and black dress shoes. His hair was styled mostly to perfection, making you wonder what more there was to do. Alas, you weren’t the professional.

Hoseok looked to the younger man with a smug smile, “Just some last touches need to be done and then you can calm your nerves a bit with our little bunny.” He chided and Jungkook scoffed.

It took no more than five minutes for Hoseok to style the star’s hair into further perfection, “Wow, you look super handsome, Kook!” You cheered, earning a small smile from the man in question.

Hoseo chuckled, “He does indeed.” He cooed, making the younger man scowl, “Now, you have some time to zen out with bunny, use it wisely. I’ll come get you when it’s time.” He patted Jungkook before giving you a wink and exiting the room.

“You having a bad day-”

‘Were you crying?” His voice sliced through yours and you’re taken aback for a moment. With no response, he stood, making his way over to you. He towered over you before leaning down to grip your chin lightly, “Were you?” A hint of worry flashes across his eyes, and you wondered if you were just seeing things.

“Yeah… I was just feeling lonely.” You speak honestly, shrugging, “It’s not a big deal-”

“Why didn’t you call me-or anyone?” He asked, voice rushed as his eyes searched your face for an answer. It’s like an interrogation that you don’t have comprehensive answers for, so you shrug.

“Everyone was busy.” You murmur, “I only cried because I thought about my mom and stuff, it’s okay.” You avoided eye contact with him as you said this, feeling out of your element talking about your mom. This made his mouth part, but he haid no words. He understood what you meant, and that made it all the more harder to comfort you.

Jungkook sighed at how you’ve shrunk under his barrage of questions and sinks down to his knees, his hands going to your waist, stroking the sliver of exposed skin, “Nobody was mean to you, right? You didn’t cry because anyone bothered you?” You smiled at his tenderness before nodding.

You watched his face, studying the cleverly concealed dark circles under his eyes and gave him a sad smile, “Are you having a bad day too, Kook?” You asked softly and he sighed, like he was letting himself relax for the first time before nodding, “I see..” You thought for a moment, unsure how to make him feel better until you remembered, “Did you want to touch my thighs?” You said the first thing that came to mind and before you could be embarrassed, he nodded, "Okay, how do you want me?"

What a question, Jungkook thought, smiling tiredly, "Sit in my lap?" He looked up at you hopefully and you nodded.

"I won't be too heavy or anyth-woah!" You gasped when he lifted you, legs wrapping around his waist as he carried you to the rocking chair, sitting you both down, "I stand corrected." You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck while his hands placed themselves on your thighs.

He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling your thighs in his hands, rocking you both back and forth. In every dressing room, he required a rocking chair, in case he needed to calm down. He debuted at the ripe age of 15 and with no guardian until 17, he was prone to panic attacks. The company sent him to therapy and the rocking chair was introduced. He never let anyone touch the chair, but he couldn't deny how nice it was having you in his arms, cradling his head into your bosom.

“I like the rocking chair, very calming.” You mused, as if reading his mind and he offered a tired hum in agreement.

The day had truly been terrible. Stage after stage, minimal hours of sleep, and stupid people asking the same stupid question. And yet, here you were, hands stroking the skin on his neck as he lost himself in your form. Your thighs were softer than he anticipated, and he felt himself let out an exhausted sigh, finally relaxing into you.

"You haven't been home a lot, so I get why you're so stressed." You mused into his hair, "But you should go a bit easy on the staff, I just saw a buff thirty-something year old near tears when we came in." You giggled and Jungkook couldn't help but laugh a bit.

"Sungmin is my manager, he can take it." He felt blissful for the first time in a while as he rocked you both back and forth, his thumbs stroking the supple skin of your thighs.

"Still, maybe if people aren't so stressed around you, it might ease your stress." You chided softly, pressing a chaste kiss to his head.

The affection made his eyes flutter closed and he hummed, "We'll see, but don't hold your breath." He joked.

You had never felt Jungkook so calm before. Usually he has something snarky or detached to say. Some kind of non committal or indifferent comment, but he was too exhausted to do even that. You smiled softly at the cozyoment and the affection. It was hard to realize how touch starved you were, dreading when you would have to get up.

Youboth rocked back and forth for an indeterminate amount of time, too wrapped up in the calmness of each other’s presence to say much at all.

Finally, you spoke up a bit, "This is making me feel better. I like the closeness a lot." You hummed softly, "I remember when I was in some club in highschool, we were taking photos with girls on the guys's backs and all the guys scrambled to not have to give me a piggyback ride, so I just stood on my own." You did a short laugh. Jungkook fumed at the idea of stupid people making you feel like anything less than perfect, but you continued, "And now I'm in the lap of a pop star, it's a little funny." Now he felt smug, giving your thigh a small squeeze.

"Sounds like you had some weak ass guys in your highschool club." He snorted, leaning his head up as you settled down onto his lap further, now looking eye to eye with your torsos farther apart, his feet planted firmly on the floor to keep the rocking chair still, "I'll deny I was ever this nice, but," He studies your face for a moment, "You're so beautiful." He sighs out and he watched your face light up, and feels what that does to him, scaring the fuck out of him.

You couldn't find words except, "Can I kiss you?" You breathe and he nods with hooded eyes, and before you knew it, you were surging forward to press his mouth to yours. The kiss was fierce, but he responded to it at the speed of light. His mouth moved in sync with yours before taking control of the kiss, moving closer as he stilled the chair. Your hands were shyly clutching his shoulders, careful not to mess up his hair. One hand traveled to your hip as the other massaged your thigh deeply, thumb inching its way to the inner part. Your tongues intertwine and you gasp needily when he's a mere centimeter from where you want him most. You damn near whine when his hand stops inching closer to your core making him grunt.

Jungkook nearly lost his mind when he feels your nails dig into his shoulder and your hips wiggle in the slightest. He wanted to tell you to just mess up his hair, fuck everything else, and just let him make you cum in his lap. He wants to feel what he’s doing to you, uninhibited. His hand cups your sex and you groan into his mouth. He smirks at how warm it is, how wet you must be from a little bit of kissing, and how wet you will-

KNOCK, KNOCK

You jump, effectively falling off of the chair, and onto the floor just as Hoseok walks in, "Hey Jungkookie, it is time to- Bunny?!" Before Jungkook can even reach out his hand, the older man is helping you up.

"I'm alright, just clumsy." You chuckle awkwardly, before turning to the celebrity, thanking the stars his makeup and hair aren't messed up, "Well, have a good photoshoot!" You beamed, "Let's go get some lunch, Hobi." You spoke rushedly as you took the man's hand, dragging him along.

"Oh, uh, bye!" Hoseok hollers to the dumbfounded Jungkook as he watched the dressing room door close, leaving him winded with a boner.

When you get in the car, your eyes are like saucers and Hoseok can't help his curiousity as he turns on the car. However he doesn’t push until you both are a little closer to home, but before he can even ask you grab his leg and stare at him with panicked eyes, "Fuckfuckfuckfuckwhatthefuckdid- AHHH!" You let out the quietest scream, before looking at him, "How do I go about life this stupid?" You seem to be genuinely asking and yet again, before he can ask, "I kissed Kook and I let him hold my pussy for a moment." You blurt out and Hoseok blinks for a moment. You look to him, waiting for him to freak out but he just shrugs.

"Well color me a bit envious." He muses, before tilting his head in confusion, “When you say he held you pussy-"

“He cupped it and I was gonna let him go further had you not walked in.” You looked to the man as he saw home in sight.

“Ah, I see.” He nods thoughtfully, “So were we wanting to pick something up for lunch or just order delivery, we could cook…?”

You gaped at him, "Are you not gonna tell me how dumb that was?!" Hoseok shakes his head, "He probably hates me now!" You whined.

Hoseok sighs, "I promise, he doesn't." He reassured you, "Did he… kiss back?" He asks curiously.

"Yes, but I'm not sure what he meant by it." You murmured, "I’m really bad at gathering those kinds of clues. I kissed him because he called me beautiful and I didn't know how to respond and I-"

"You're beautiful." Hoseok interjects, "My turn, my turn!" He parks the car at the house, turning to you with a grin.

"Wait, that's it!" You point to him, "You can tell me what kind of kiss that was." You beamed and he looked at you quizzically, "So kiss me and I'll show you how Kook kissed back so I can understand!"

Hoseok could not believe his ears. Had people played with your head before? Did you seriously not understand that kissing back meant that they were attracted to you, at the very least. Not wanting to take advantage of you he asked, "Are you sure? You can just describe it to me-"

You nodded, "I don’t want to misrepresent it with my words but I need to know what it meant, but if you feel weird about kissing me I get it-"

Hoseok was watching the chance slip away, so he pressed forward, placing his mouth on yours and groaned when you responded with a force, hand going to his thigh to try and mimic Jungkook's movement. Your tongue finds his way into your mouth and he can’t resist the opportunity to feel your tongue against his. His hand goes to the back of your neck to press his mouth into yours deeper. It was in no time you both forgot what you should be doing.

All you could focus on was how good the affection felt. How nice it was to have someone’s mouth on yours just as needily. You were used to sex and affection being out of convience. You were used to people seeing you willing and figuring, “Why not?” But Hoseok and Jungkook had kissed you with a certain force you had never known. Where Yoongi and JIn were soft, sweet,and comforting, they were urgent, needy, but rough.

Hoseok’s arms wrap around you, bring you into his lap and you feel his growing length beneath you. Against better judgement, you grind down, causing the both of you to gasp, “Fuck, baby.” He groans, gripping you to him harder. His leans down to kiss your jaw and reach your neck, making you press yourself further onto him with a choked moan when you feel him guide you hips as you set a steady pace grinding into him. You groan at the sensuality of hearing his voice riddled with lust and making the windows steamy and the expensive car rock.

“Hobi,” You moan out as he sucks a particular spot on your neck, “Feels good.” You whined, grinding yourself more desperately.

“It does, bunny?” He cooed into your neck, trying to shield his own rising arousal as you grind onto it desperately. You nodded with a moan and found yourself wishing he would just strip you of your clothes and take you. You would love nothing more than to feel his hands around your neck as he pounded into you, your hips working as wildly as they were then with his hands on them, threatening to limit you, edging you closer, and closer, and-

HONK

You both jumped, not able to go far in the driver’s seat on top of Hoseok after accidentally honking his car horn. You take a moment to look at the position your in and clasp your hand over your mouth, "I did it again!" You whined, muffled by your palm, "What's wrong with me, I get I'm horny but AH!" You groaned from frustration, both sexually and emotionally.

"Calm down, it's better than okay." The man beneath you strokes your hip soothingly, "I enjoyed it, and if Kook did any of that, he did too." He reassures you, "It's just some consensual kissing, we're all adults, it's okay."

You frown, "But you guys don't need me throwing myself onto you, that's not fair to you." It’s made people recoil from you, you want to say. You don’t want them to recoil from you, you couldn’t take it.

"Arguably, I do need you, in particular, throwing yourself onto me." Hoseok quipped and you rolled your eyes.

"Ha, Ha, very funny, but come on." You deadpan and it only makes him more confused. You don't know how to explain that the odds of a guy like him, or any of them, wanting you, specifically, and not just wanting affection are slim to none in your eyes, judging from past experience alone.

"What?" He asks and you shake your head.

"Ah, forget it." You shrug, "Nothing to fuss about, but sorry I nearly came in your lap-"

"Please do not apologize for something I wanted, almost happening." He groaned and you chuckled, shaking your head, genuinely not believing him, “In fact, I invite you to please hop back on.” He chuckled a bit, so you figured it was a joke. Surely he would be joking about wanting you sexually.

"You're a funny guy, Hobi." You open the door and hop out, "Well I'm gonna go masturbate or something, and then maybe we can regroup for some lunch when I'm done?" You glance up at the flabbergasted man who nods numbly, too perplexed to even offer his services, "Okay, well thank you for the kiss and what not, the affection is always welcome!" You chirped, "I can give you kisses on the lips more often if you want like I do with Jin and Yoongi?" He nods again and you smile. You give him a chaste kiss on the lips before heading inside.

Hoseok blew out a breath as he sat in his car with a hard on. So the issue wasn't you not being attracted to them. The issue was you not believing they would be attracted to you. Somehow, that was harder for him to dissect, unsure how to prove that he would give you the world if you just mentioned an interest in having it. Not just him, but six other men. To you, kissing or sexual acts wasn't proof that he was attracted to you for being you instead of just another body. They all had to somehow prove you weren't being kissed because of convenience, but desire. All of them were too emotionally stunted up until now to already know how. Yoongi was right, this would be a lot of work. Work they all were willing to do.

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#yandere bts #soft yandere bts #bts smut #bts fluff #bts angst #soft yandere hoseok #soft yandere jungkook #bts fanfic #bts drabble #jung hoseok #jeon jungkook #yandere smut #poly bts #poly bts au

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angry-geese · 3 years ago

Text

Alien Blues

Gojo Satoru x Reader

Warnings: none! sfw. romantic/platonic(interpretable). mainly fluff. mentions of overworking and death, but nothing graphic. gn!reader

Notes: touch-starved Gojo

Word Count: 2.3k

Gojo doesn't get a lot of downtime in his line of work.

It comes with the job. Sorcerers don't exactly work a 9 to 5. This line of work is far from a normal one. Curses don't exorcise themselves, nor do they pick convenient times to show up. He usually has his hands full; be it taking down curses, or dealing with his students. A guy like him really can't take a vacation.

Despite going to the same school—and being only a year younger than him—you didn't meet Gojo until well into your adult life. After graduating, you went off on your own. The typical way of life for sorcerers wasn’t for you. You really didn't want to work with—or under—any of the major clans. At that point, you just wanted to do your own thing. To hell with the school; you’d be fine on your own. And you were.

You spent much of your time exorcising curses across the world, traveling from place to place, not staying in a single town for very long. A lot of it was freelance work. Such jobs were typically frowned upon, or at least looked at strangely. But it really didn't bother you. On your own you were powerful, and an impressive fighter, but you were working in a world that didn't accept you.

So you said to hell with fitting in.

Doing your own thing was the best decision you’d ever made. To this day you’ll stand by that. The jujutsu world is meant for people like Gojo. It demands so much more from you, and in return gives a whole lot less. It demands perfection from you—maybe even more—while he’s the set standard for this perfection. You hold no ill will towards him for it. He didn't make things this way. But it's hard not to envy him at times.

When you came back to the school, you were first assigned a teaching job.

Although you were a talented sorcerer, it was clear from the beginning you weren't meant to be a teacher. Your teaching style was viewed as a bit harsh, as you tended to just throw your students into a situation and let them figure things out for themselves, correcting them where needed. Overall you weren't a bad teacher, but your students got sent to the infirmary often. And by often, it was nearly every day. You just wanted them to be capable. You wanted your students to be prepared. To be the best of the best. How are they supposed to improve if they don't have experience?

To be fair, your students were some of the best in their grade.

For the most part you substitute if needed.

Upon first meeting, he was too eccentric for your tastes. Really, you found him annoying. Your first impression of Gojo was that he was full of himself and out of touch with the world around him. His first impression of you was that you were stuck up and a bit of a bitch.

There wasn't one thing that changed. Maybe he wore you down to the point where you tolerated him. He likes to think it was because of his charming personality. You know otherwise. His charms rarely work on you; if ever. Over time you found yourself less and less repulsed by him. The two of you bonded over harassing Nanami. On your own you weren't much trouble, but when paired with Gojo, Nanami learned to stay out of your way. If you let him. Usually you tracked him down. Your sweet tooth was just as insatiable as his. When you first took up baking, he was always nearby, wanting a taste. You’d drag him along to see new movies or shows or anything you’d think he’d like. He likes co-existing with you. The two of you don't have to even be doing anything. He can sit for hours with you by his side, doing absolutely nothing.

You've gotten to the point in your relationship where you show up unannounced. It's payback for all the times he’s come to your apartment, claiming he has some work for you, only to stay and raid your fridge, conveniently forgetting what he had to tell you. Yes you have scared the absolute hell out of Megumi on several occasions. In Gojo’s defense, he likes your cooking.

He’s not used to having you stay in one place for so long. You’re not used to it either. It feels strange sticking around Tokyo for so long. You hate feeling trapped more than anything. Maybe that’s why you moved around so much. Maybe you’re getting sentimental the older you get. For the first time in years, you feel truly at home. Gojo is one of your closest—if not your closest—friends, and there’s not much you wouldn't do for him.

You guess this is home. The end of the line, or whatever. You don't see yourself leaving for a while.

It's well after dark by the time he gets home.

The place was empty when you got here. Megumi must be out with friends. He's a strange kid. Strange circumstances lead to strange adults—or almost adults in his case. You try not to judge him too hard. You don't have a whole lot to say on his… situation.

He notices your form curled up on the couch, your face illuminated by your phone screen. The tv plays some horror movie you’ve long stopped paying attention to. Your face lights up when you see him.

His hand briefly touches your head, messing up your hair. He looks tired. There's dark circles under his eyes. He was gone for a while this time.

“I brought takeout,” you say, gesturing to the fridge, “I wasn't sure when you’d get home so I put it in there.”

“Did you eat already?” He asks. He makes a note to pay you back for the food later.

“No, I wanted to wait for you.” You say.

A bit of guilt hits him. You really didn't have to wait for him. You know his habit of being chronically late. He says he’s fashionably late, to which you reason he is never fashionable ever. He actually seemed a bit bothered by that one, which only made you tease him more.

Momentarily he disappears into the kitchen, returning with your food. You have his order memorized. There's only a handful of things he’d get anyway. He’s not a picky eater, and usually gets what you get. Pick one of about three things and he’ll probably eat it.

The food is still good even while cold. Gojo talks about his recent job while you eat. He says it was nothing special. But he called Nanami for backup, so you know that’s a lie. He hardly touches his food. Since when doesn't he want to eat? The guy has a pretty impressive appetite at times. Seriously, he could eat you out of house and home.

“Are you done?” He asks.

You nod.

He clears away the empty takeout containers from in front of you, returning the leftovers to the fridge.

When he returns, he sits next to you, throwing his arm over the back of the couch. The leather is an ugly shade. You’re sure if it weren't for Megumi, he would have bought something much worse. His taste—in everything, really—can be tacky. You make sure he knows this. Always have to keep him on his toes. Nanami is right about some things. You never take Gojo’s side for too long.

“You were gone for a while this time.” You say.

A smug looking grin spreads across his face. It's almost enough to make you roll your eyes and groan. “Sounds like you were worried about me.”

Really, you could worry yourself sick thinking about him. It's hard not to. Everyone has their limits, and you constantly wonder when he’ll hit his. Strongest or not; he’s human after all.

“Of course I worry.” As much as you hate to admit it, you care about him. You won't say it. It feels like bad luck to say it out loud.

He knows. He feels the same way. Over time he’s grown jaded and angry with the way things are. He tries not to worry too much about you. This life isn't an easy one, but you can handle yourself. He knows that. Years on your own have proven you're not only a capable sorcerer, but a talented one. The strongest doesn't need to worry about himself, so much as the people around him.

In a weird way he’s proud of you.

You open your arms, instinctively he goes into them.

You pull his head to your chest. He does little to fight against you. Hell, he practically leans into your touch. You take his glasses, setting them on the table beside you. His eyes close when your hands move to his hair, gently pulling it out of his eyes. He’s not quite sure what to do with his arms. Eventually he settles on resting them at his sides. One snakes around your stomach, coming to rest on the fleshy part of your hip. You're awfully comfortable to lay on, he notes.

Your movements are familiar, and oddly comforting. He makes note of the way your heartbeat suddenly drops off, before picking up in pace. From the smell of your shampoo, to the sound of your breathing. He can only describe it as home.

Lots of people will die in this line of work, but he has faith you’ll always be around. You’re too stubborn to die.

Touch in a sense like this is almost foreign to him. Touch in a non fighting context is just bizarre. He never de-activates infinity long enough to get hit. He's had his fair share of one night stands. Hell, he could have anyone he wants. He’s had everything and anything in between. Men and women across the world either want to be him, or be with him. But this—intimacy like this—is strange. The others get kicked out the morning after. But you’ll always be around. He likes to think he’ll be around for you too.

Maybe he’s more touch starved than he thought.

He’s Satoru-fucking-Gojou, a man like him doesn't get touched starved. He feels a wave of shame at his reaction. His face burns. His pride won't allow him to admit how much he enjoys this.

It's the first time you’ve held him close like this. The action is so oddly intimate and it’s not even in a sexual way. Your movements are familiar. He fits so nicely against your chest, he notes.

He practically purrs in delight as your fingers brush a sensitive spot towards the back of his head—where his neck and shoulders meet—sighing softly. Goosebumps rise along his exposed flesh. You take note of his reaction, and focus on that spot more, dragging your fingers across his skin. Your nails are getting long, and feel nice against his scalp. His eyes close as he leans into the crook of your neck.

"Do you want to watch something different?" You ask.

His heart nearly stops when your hand moves to cup his cheek. His face is warm. He's a wimp when it comes to horror movies. He says they don't scare him. They do. You’ve spent plenty of night sitting next to him, watching his body tense with terror.

He wasn't paying attention to the tv until now. He shakes his head, but his eyes remain fixed on the ground and not the screen.

"This is fine." He says.

"You sure?"

He nods.

He fights sleep as long as possible, but eventually he'll have to give in to it. You’ll be there long after he’s fallen asleep. Maybe even after he wakes up. His head nods, his eyes struggling to stay open. His breaths even out, his chest rising slowly.

You're not really sure what to do once he falls asleep on you. Your position isn't the most comfortable, but you suffer through it so as to not wake him up. If he’s fallen asleep on you, then he definitely needs the rest. He’s a light sleeper anyway. Any movement would be sure to wake him up.

It’s not long after that his body heat—and the sound of his steady breathing—lulls you to sleep.

You wake up to a blanket haphazardly tossed over the two of you. The tv is off. Two glasses of water are set out on the coffee table, condensation collecting on the outside. Megumi must have come home. Gojo's drool collects in a small pool on your collarbone, which is a bit gross. You use the corner of the blanket to wipe it away. It’s a bit odd seeing him so at-peace. It's rare he even lets his guard down. You rest your chin on the top of his head. His hair is soft, and tickles your neck. The sight of him makes your chest swell with affection. The intimacy of it all is enough to overwhelm you. It's been a while since you’ve cared so much about someone.

It's nice having him home.

He stirs, stretching out a bit like a cat. You card a hand through his hair. He grumbles something in response. Probably a weak “what?” Your joints are a bit stiff from staying in the same position for so long.

“Do you want coffee?” You ask.

He sleepily mumbles an answer—one which you don't understand. It's just as legible as the first. His eyes don't even open. You take it to mean he wants to go back to sleep. You pull the blanket up around his shoulders, tucking it under his chin. The sun is still barely up. You’re not in a rush to get up. You don't have anything to do today anyway, work can wait. If Nanami calls, you’ll just ignore him. You could stay in all morning if you wanted.

And you just might.

Come hell or high water, you’re staying on this couch.

In a bit you should get up and start breakfast. Most of the food in the house is for Megumi, but there should be enough to make something small. Pancakes sound nice.

#jjk x reader #jujustsu kaisen x reader #gojou satoru x reader #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojou satoru #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen fluff #gojo fluff #sfw #fluff

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basic-otaku · 3 years ago

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My thoughts on Xue Yang's character (based on the drama and novel)

Xue Yang is a character I didn’t fully understand until I finished The Untamed. I looked back on him with a bit of pity but little understanding. It wasn’t until I listened to his character song that I truly began to dissect his character. Reading those lyrics completely flipped my perspective on him, and I went back to watch the Yi City arc again. I was shocked by how much I had missed. Xue Yang has since become one of my favorite characters of the series. I’ve spent so much time thinking about him and his motives that I finally decided to write down my thoughts. This analysis comes mostly from what I perceived, so it may differ from other people’s opinions. You are free to disagree with me.

Let’s start with what we know: Xue Yang was a street kid with a hard childhood. We know he was abandoned at a young age, but we don’t know how young. However, he must have been old enough to survive, so he couldn’t have been younger than four when he started fending for himself. We don’t know who his parents are because he doesn’t remember them, nor does he remember anyone else who had potentially taken care of him. His parents could be dead for all we know, or they could have dumped him somewhere when they no longer wanted to take care of him. It’s all up to speculation. He also has a very high pain tolerance, probably due to constant beatings as a child.

When you’re all alone in the world, you have to learn to put yourself first. There’s no one to care for you, so only you can care for yourself. I believe that Xue Yang wasn’t always a bad person because no one is inherently evil. However, because he was alone, there was no one to nurture him and teach him right from wrong. When all you experience is violence and hatred, that becomes your response to similar situations; you don’t expect kindness or want to give it in return.

One of Xue Yang’s flaws as a child was his naivety — he was much too quick to trust. That’s how he got himself into such a bad situation. He was eager to have something he was never able to have (candy), so he immediately trusted that shopkeeper when he said he could have some as a reward for running an errand. What he got in return wasn’t candy, but a brutal beating and a severed pinky. If Xue Yang had still had any faith left in humanity, this is the point where it would have left him. The remaining childhood innocence in him was gone. This brings me to an interesting piece of dialogue. In Yi City, when Xue Yang confronts Song Lan and tells him what he’s been up to, Song Lan curses at him, calling him an animal. Xue Yang laughs at him and says, “I quit using those words when I was seven.” And what happened to Xue Yang’s finger? “One finger was ground into battered flesh on the spot. The child was seven.” Even Xue Yang himself knows that moment was when everything changed, and he still carries the resentment with him now.

Back to the cart incident. This event scarred him for life and was the primary reason he became a sociopath. Now he’s bent on revenge. He was powerless as a child; just another street rat who shouldn’t be treated like a human being nor spared any pity. So, when he realizes he can do the same to those that hurt him, he takes it much further. When he was old enough and strong enough, he exacts his revenge. He wanted to make the Chang Clan feel his pain — not only for the finger he had lost but for his whole miserable life up to that point. If no one deigned to understand him, then he’d make them understand in the only way he knew how. With violence.

Xue Yang was only fifteen or sixteen when he slaughtered the Chang Clan, killing more than fifty people. This is where he meets Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. From the first moment, Xue Yang hates Xiao Xingchen. He’s so righteous, so full of light. He thinks he makes the world better just by doing a little good. What a hypocrite. Where was he when he was needed? Where was he when Xue Yang was a seven-year-old boy left crying in the streets after having his finger ground to a pulp? No, nobody can be that good.

When Xue Yang is captured by Wei Wuxian and the others, Xiao Xingchen takes him back to Qinghe to be apprehended, and Xue Yang vows to get his revenge on Xiao Xingchen for it. It isn’t long after he escapes from Qinghe that Xue Yang slaughters Baixue Temple, blinding Song Lan in the process. According to Xue Yang’s logic, hurting Xiao Xingchen’s friend is just as bad as hurting Xiao Xingchen himself. This is what causes the rift between Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. Without this incident, Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen may never have met again.

A few years have likely passed while Xue Yang was working for Jin Guangyao. He is probably closer to eighteen or nineteen when Jin Guangyao injures him and throws him out, which is how Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing find him. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t hesitate in bringing Xue Yang back to Yi City with him and A-Qing and caring for his wounds. Xue Yang wakes up pained and disoriented, but he immediately tries to back away when he realizes who is tending to him. He doesn’t know Xiao Xingchen is unaware of his identity, and probably thinks that Xiao Xingchen is getting ready to take him to face justice or something. But Xiao Xingchen insists that he doesn’t need to know who Xue Yang is and that he’s only doing what’s right. Xue Yang is clearly shocked by this admission. He truly cannot comprehend kindness, and this is the first time he’s ever experienced it.

This is also the first time we get to see his genuine smile. It’s shocked and incredulous, like he can’t believe this is happening, but it’s there. Throughout the series, Xue Yang’s snarky words and sly smirk are a token of his character, but now we know they are just a mask he uses to hide the small, broken child inside of him. If no one can see the hurt he hides, then no one can hurt him further. But with just one kind gesture, Xiao Xingchen was able to bring out the young boy who just wanted love and comfort.

This kindness is such a foreign concept to Xue Yang that he doesn’t think it’s genuine for a long time. But as the years pass, Xue Yang comes to realize that Xiao Xingchen isn’t a threat. This is something he scoffs at. Xiao Xingchen is ridiculously naïve; so stupid. If he knew who he was living with, who he was eating with, he wouldn’t act like this. He would treat Xue Yang the same way everyone else had. So, Xue Yang decides to trick Xiao Xingchen into murdering innocent people for revenge. Xue Yang can’t wait for Xiao Xingchen to find out what Xue Yang has made him do because it’ll break him. What this revenge is for is up to interpretation. Maybe he’s still angry about being captured and sent to Qinghe. Maybe he’s angry at the world for treating him so badly. Maybe Xue Yang wants to show Xiao Xingchen that his worldview is stupid and that there are no good or pure people in the world. I choose to believe that it’s the last one.

At least, this is his motivation at first — he slowly loses the will to harm Xiao Xingchen. This brings me to another interesting point. In episode three, Xue Yang says he doesn’t fear death, he fears boredom. But isn’t this domestic life he’s living with Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing considered boring by his standards? I think the boredom he speaks of is really the fear of being alone and having nothing at all. Now he’s happy, however reluctantly he’s willing to admit it. He wouldn’t have put up with A-Qing’s petulant behavior if he didn’t enjoy the time they spent together. Although they didn’t get along at first, Xue Yang protects A-Qing and takes care of her like an annoying older brother. He teases her, sure, but he also cuts her apple slices in the shape of rabbits and gives her advice on how to scare away the people who bully her (even though killing them isn’t great advice). Xiao Xingchen and A-Qing were the family he never had. Now he would do anything to preserve the life he is living.

After about a year, Xue Yang’s plan stopped being about revenge. I’m not completely sure how he justified this change of heart, but I like to think he told himself he was still biding his time and that he’d get back to it eventually (even if he had stopped thinking about hurting Xiao Xingchen). Based on what A-Qing told Song Lan when he arrived at Yi City, Xue Yang hadn’t taken Xiao Xingchen out on one of those night hunts in a long time. And most of the people that Xue Yang made Xiao Xingchen kill were the merchants that made fun of his blindness and cheated him with bad vegetables and high prices. It was a messed-up way to get revenge for Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang hates being looked down on, so shouldn’t Xiao Xingchen feel the same way?

Nevertheless, the time they spent in Yi City was probably the only time Xue Yang had been happy in his entire life. Xiao Xingchen was so in tune with what Xue Yang needed that Xue Yang came to care for him deeply. Whether those feelings were romantic or platonic in nature is up to the viewer, but I believe Xue Yang had fallen in love with Xiao Xingchen in the only sick and twisted way he could. Xiao Xingchen understood him more than anyone ever had, going so far as to listen to his idle ramblings and bring him a piece of candy every day after hearing that he had loved sweets as a child but could never have any. He managed to tame the savage beast in Xue Yang’s heart with only his presence and basic human decency. Xue Yang’s bloodlust was satiated as long as he had Xiao Xingchen to take care of him. At this point, I don’t think he would ever actually kill Xiao Xingchen. He had stopped wanting to hurt him a long time ago. A-Qing? Sure. She’s expendable, but Xiao Xingchen is irreplaceable. Even if Xue Yang reluctantly came to care about her, it wasn’t the same kind of bond. She had never shown him the same kindness that Xiao Xingchen had. He wouldn’t hesitate to hurt her if she betrayed him, but she was important to Xiao Xingchen, which meant he couldn’t do her any harm if he didn’t want to disrupt their happy life.

If Song Lan hadn’t found them, how long would Xue Yang have stayed? I don’t even think he knew. He just knew that he didn’t want to leave anymore. Xiao Xingchen gave him too much for him to want that. The viewer can easily see the happiness in his eyes when he looks at Xiao Xingchen. Xue Yang acts like a kid around him — playing games, joking around, making him laugh with childish remarks. Even in the quiet moments, he’s happy. This was especially noticeable in the campfire scene. It wasn’t shown in the original drama, but in the special edition, Xue Yang smiled at Xiao Xingchen from across the fire, and the look in his eyes as he gazed at his daozhang was so tender that it honestly caught me off guard. It seemed to catch Xue Yang off guard too because he caught himself, and the smile slowly fell. It’s like he realized what he’s doing and remembered that this should be about revenge.

Where in the past, Xue Yang hated Xiao Xingchen for his righteousness, he now loves him for his naivety. Without it, Xue Yang knows that Xiao Xingchen would be disgusted with himself. There would be no more laughs, no more games, and no more smiles. Then Xue Yang would lose the one person who didn’t treat him like dirt. So, when Song Lan finds them, Xue Yang immediately perceives it as a threat to their domestic life. He knows how important Song Lan is to Xiao Xingchen, and there’s no doubt in his mind that Xiao Xingchen won’t hesitate to leave with Song Lan when he discovers Xue Yang’s identity.

Furthermore, Xue Yang resents Song Lan for taking Xiao Xingchen’s eyes (even though it was voluntary on Xiao Xingchen’s part and was essentially Xue Yang’s fault). His logic tells him that having Xiao Xingchen kill Song Lan would be the perfect way for Xiao Xingchen to get his revenge. What Xue Yang doesn’t understand is that not everyone thinks about things in the context of revenge. I don’t believe Xiao Xingchen ever truly regretted giving up his sight. But Xue Yang can’t comprehend how someone could be that selfless.

This is where it all falls apart. A-Qing sees what happened to Song Lan, and she runs to Xiao Xingchen and tells him everything. When Xiao Xingchen comes back to confront him, Xue Yang spills it all. There’s nothing left for him to lose. His mask falls again, and he basically bares his soul to Xiao Xingchen. This is probably the first time he’s told the story about his finger, and I think he genuinely thought Xiao Xingchen was going to understand him; that if he knew what Xue Yang went through, he’d sympathize with him and justify his action (thereby justifying his feelings). Instead of that, however, Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, and it flips a switch inside of Xue Yang. How can Xiao Xingchen call him disgusting when he’s killed people too?

I think one of the reasons Xue Yang led Xiao Xingchen to kill those people was to bring Xiao Xingchen down to his level. Xue Yang doesn’t think that anyone can be as good as Xiao Xingchen claimed to be, so he had to taint his perfect record. Maybe if he killed people, Xiao Xingchen would understand him. Xue Yang thought that when Xiao Xingchen found out, he’d stay with him. Now he’s not the same righteous person he used to be, so how could he be good enough to travel the world with Song Lan? No, he should stay with Xue Yang instead and live a happy life together.

So, when Xiao Xingchen calls him disgusting, Xue Yang was probably confused and upset, which made him instinctively put his mask back up. Being vulnerable only hurt him again, so he’s back to harsh words and smirks, telling Xiao Xingchen that this is why he’s always hated him and that all of this was fun. Fun in every sense of the word: the killing and the happiness.

Xiao Xingchen finding out that he killed Song Lan was the last straw. Xue Yang is still laughing as Xiao Xingchen slits his own throat. It takes a moment for the realization to set in, but as it does, the smile falls from Xue Yang’s lips, and his hands begin to shake. This is the third time his mask has fallen. His eyes begin to well with tears, but he tries to keep up his act, saying that dead ones are easier to control, but the only one he’s acting for is himself.

The next scene is the one that really solidified Xue Yang’s feelings for me. He cleans the blood from Xiao Xingchen’s skin with the same care that Xiao Xingchen had shown him when he first found Xue Yang in that ditch. Xue Yang clearly thinks that Xiao Xingchen is going to come back and that the ritual will work, that he staves off his tears and sets out food for both of them. He considers eating his candy but then decides he should wait until Xiao Xingchen comes back. If he’s back, then Xue Yang is sure to get another piece.

When he realizes that the ritual isn’t working and Xiao Xingchen isn’t coming back, he breaks down. The tantrum he throws is so full of rage and anguish that it really shows the depth of his feelings for Xiao Xingchen. Again, he goes back to acting, trying to guilt Xiao Xingchen’s dead body into coming back to life by telling him all the terrible things he’ll do to Song Lan and A-Qing if he doesn’t reawaken. Obviously, Xiao Xingchen can’t hear him, and Xue Yang knows this, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. He finally dissolves into tears, screaming and crying over Xiao Xingchen’s corpse. This may have been the first time he’s cried since he lost his finger. Crying is for innocent, naïve children, and it doesn’t help anybody. But now Xue Yang has had a taste of pure sweetness and doesn’t want to go back to the bitter life he has known, so he finally lets himself weep for all the things he could have had.

Xue Yang spent the next seven years trying to bring Xiao Xingchen back to life with no success. We don’t know much about his activities after Yi City, but we have gotten information through rumors that Shuanghua was being used to kill innocents. It seems like Xue Yang wanted to keep a part of Xiao Xingchen with him. He even continued his sick revenge plot after Xiao Xingchen’s death by gouging out the eyes of and killing the remains of the Chang Clan, including their leader, Chang Ping, by lingchi. Xue Yang doesn’t blame himself in the slightest; he just thinks that Xiao Xingchen’s death was an unfortunate consequence of the situation. He will put the blame on anyone and everyone other than himself. Thus, instead of performing lingchi on himself like Wei Wuxian suggested, he takes out his anger on the remains of the Chang Clan.

Everything Xue Yang does in the present is tied to Xiao Xingchen, yet he still can’t bring him back. So, when he heard that the Yiling Patriarch had suddenly come back to life, Xue Yang knew it was his last chance. The sword ghost/ghost arm is what led Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to Yi City. It was pointing to its murderer. I’m sure Xue Yang could have avoided a confrontation if he wanted, but this was intentional. As for the juniors, I have a feeling that Xue Yang was behind the cat corpses that led them to meet up with Wei Wuxian. This is still unclear though because Xue Yang doesn’t have a real reason to get them involved. The only person he needs is Wei Wuxian.

Xue Yang has tried everything at this point. So, when Wei Wuxian finds him in Yi City, pretending to be Xiao Xingchen, he is completely desperate. I do wonder if that is something he has done more than once. Did he often go around dressed as Xiao Xingchen? Was he playing with the life they had in Yi City? Pretending he was still there? Or was it a one-time thing to trick Wei Wuxian into dropping his guard? I also wonder how often he used his own sword because only after Lan Zhan took Shuanghua from him did he pull out Jiangzai. That could be because he was acting as Xiao Xingchen, but we can’t be sure. However, that isn’t the point. Right now, Wei Wuxian was Xue Yang’s only option because the Yiling Patriarch surely knew things he didn’t. Xue Yang had lived with Xiao Xingchen’s corpse for those seven years, keeping him in pristine condition. I’m pretty sure the only way Xue Yang could have done this was by giving him spiritual energy every day, which would be incredibly draining. I don’t think Xue Yang had an exceptionally strong golden core to begin with either. He is primarily a demonic cultivator, which means he doesn’t use his golden core often. It must have taken most of his strength to keep Xiao Xingchen’s body in such good condition. But anything for daozhang, right? Xue Yang needed Xiao Xingchen’s body to be perfect when he returned. He also put aside his pride and used Song Lan for protection all those years. He kept the one person he continued to hate with a burning passion around him for so long.

When Wei Wuxian tells Xue Yang he can’t bring Xiao Xingchen back to life because his soul is too broken, Xue Yang refuses to believe it. It’s been seven years already; he can’t give up now. Deep down, I believe Xue Yang knows Xiao Xingchen wouldn’t want anything to do with him even if he did come back, but he can’t figure out why. Because nothing was his fault, of course.

Something Wei Wuxian said really struck me as I went back to rewatch episode 39. Before the fight, Wei Wuxian turns to Xue Yang and says, “you disgust him to the core, yet you still want to pull him back to play this stupid game.” Xue Yang responds with “I want nothing of the kind.” And he’s being honest. He doesn’t want a stupid game — he wants something real. He wants a life where Xiao Xingchen knows his identity and stays with him in spite of it. He just wants one person to accept him as he is, but that will never, nor could ever, happen —not with all the crimes he has committed.

When Lan Wangji cut off his arm, leaving Xue Yang bleeding on the ground, I think he knew it was over. There was nothing left for him now. He was never getting Xiao Xingchen back. He never had him in the first place, not in any way that counted. So he laughs, blood spilling from his lips, to cover up the tears he wishes he could cry.

He’s ready when Song Lan stabs him, dying with a smile on his face as he gazes at the last piece of candy Xiao Xingchen had ever given him. It’s blackened and inedible, yet Xue Yang held on to it for so long; it was a reminder of his daozhang and of why he was fighting so hard. Like his character song said, he was “too determined to let go.”

It’s kind of sad that even in death, he was never respected by anyone other than Xiao Xingchen, and all of that was built on a lie. He didn’t even get a proper burial, although I suppose he kind of deserved it. Xue Yang is the character I pity the most in this series. He isn’t a good person, nowhere near it, and he deserved the end he got, but I wish things could have been different. What hurts is that it just as easily could have been Wei Wuxian. If Xue Yang had been taken in as a child; if he’d had his own Jiang Fengmian, his own Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, he could have been happier. Maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe he would have met Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan and started a sect with them. Realistically, he and Xiao Xingchen would never be lovers because Xiao Xingchen was so strongly connected to Song Lan, but I think they could have been friends.

However, one question I still have is did Xue Yang fall in love with Xiao Xingchen because of how he treated him or because of the person Xiao Xingchen really was? If they had met under different circumstances (and if Xue Yang had had a support system when he was young), would Xue Yang have still fallen in love with him? I guess that’s up to the viewer to decide.

Ultimately, Xue Yang is still a sociopath who can’t understand empathy or feel remorse, so I don’t think he regretted any of his crimes. However, I do believe that Xue Yang regretted the consequences of his actions in Yi City. He didn’t want Xiao Xingchen to die, but his actions were what caused his death. It’s more of a dissatisfaction with where things ended up than feeling guilty for his death. Although I don’t think Xue Yang felt remorseful, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t grieving, nor does it mean his feelings for Xiao Xingchen weren’t as genuine as they could have been.

I don’t know where Xue Yang or Xiao Xingchen will end up now, but I hope they’ll both be happy in their next lives. The same goes for A-Qing and Song Lan (when he finally meets his true end). There are so many things that contributed to Xue Yang’s unstable mind, but I think the moral of the story is that it pays to be kind. If just one person had taken pity on him as a child — had shown him that there was good in the world — I wonder what kind of person he would have become.

I already know how cruel fate is

Not looking, not asking, not grieving, not hating

Waiting to relive my life just for a single person

Ups and downs in life

I would leave no regrets

I tried searching in the darkness of night

When I am trapped in the past

I still hope that a flicker of light will appear in my heart

The legend of this lonely city

Who came here before?

And gifted to me my karma

I am waiting for this karma to liberate spirits, liberate souls, and liberate me

Even though I am already too determined to let go

If I get rid of these inner demons

Would you forgive me?

Gaining freedom from destiny, starting all over again

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f1united · 4 years ago

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Shop - DR3 Imagine

Part 2 to Zoo!

Daniel Ricciardo Imagine

Summary: You and Daniel are thinking about having a family :)

This contains mentions of periods, fertility and pregnancy so please do not read this if you think you may find it triggering!

Please let me know if you have any f1 requests, I am more than happy to write anything for you!

You weren’t quite sure that your sex life with Daniel could have become any more frequent but ever since you had considered trying to get pregnant it had seemed to. Over the Christmas period, anytime you guys had some time to yourselves you would end up in between the sheets in the kitchen, in the shower. The car when you were coming home from shopping, a dark cupboard when you had popped out somewhere and sometimes the toilet if you were at a party. Throughout the day you’d be watching a movie on the sofa, his hands would be tracing circles on your hips and he’d look up and say, “you might be at your most fertile now”. You would roll your eyes; you didn’t need an excuse to sleep together.

You had only briefly mentioned to you families that you were thinking of having kids. Neither of you wanted the pressure of people constantly asking how it was going because neither of you knew how it was going to go. You hadn’t been in this position before, you’d never been pregnant and although you had regular periods you didn’t know if you were fertile, or if Daniel was capable of having kids either.

It wasn’t until you were in Monaco at Daniels apartment and he was away at preseason testing that you first had an inkling that something had changed. When you were anxious you often felt sick, so when you woke up one morning and couldn’t get the thought of throwing up out of your head you began to wonder what was subconsciously on mind that was making you feel like this. Suddenly you got up out of bed and headed straight for the toilet, just about making it in time. You didn’t feel any better after getting yourself ready for the day and decided maybe some food would make you feel better. However upon opening the cupboards, you were met with a stale loaf of bread and not much else.

Daniel had kindly left you the keys to his car, he often did this while he was away and you were very grateful especially when you weren’t in your town with your own car near. When you arrived at the supermarket you grabbed a trolley and began to fill it with food. With Daniel home in a few days you knew you’d need to get a lot in. You passed through the medicine isle and grabbed some calming sweets. You had used since you were younger, and they always made you more relaxed. Your eyes glanced up and down the shelves as you walked through as you tried to recall anything that you might need. You saw some pregnancy tests on the top shelf so reached up to grab some and added them to your shopping. They were something you kept stocked up on just in case your period was late. Kind of just as a reassurance. It wasn’t until you reached the bread isle and the smell of baking dough made you gag that your eyes widened.

You were nervous to take a test, knowing that this could be the first time a positive line might appear with your intention for it to. You weren’t sure how Daniel would react, of course you’d had the discussion about kids but what if he’d changed his mind since being away? You didn’t mention it to him when he facetimed you that night. Your phone had rung while you were crying away at a film you’d stuck on the TV from Netflix. He chuckled slightly at the sight of you, you didn’t often cry at films unless you were due on your period and hormonal.

“Must almost be that time of the month” he smiled on your screen.

“Yeah I think it is” you stared at him as he spoke. He really was the love of your life. You didn’t want to take his mind off testing so you decided to tell him about your suspicions when he was home that weekend.

When Daniel arrived home, he was greeted by rose petals trailing from the doorway towards your bedroom. You often did nice things for him when he arrived home and he loved it. When he was away he’d send you gifts which you always refused to accept but eventually gave in, saying if he didn’t want you to have it he wouldn’t have bothered ordering it. You often felt guilty, knowing that you couldn’t spend the same amount on him that he did on you. You hated it but he reminded you how it was the little things you did for him that meant the most. His exact words were “Brands send me stuff all the time, but they don’t leave notes in with my lunch telling me how much I mean to them”. You felt defeated sometimes, but it was true, Daniel wasn’t the type of person who wanted to show off how much money he had, it was his family that meant the most to him.

He dropped his suitcase at the door and immediately headed in your direction. You had heard him come in, his usual shout announcing his presence had been forgotten about due to his curiosity. You had on some lingerie and a silk dressing gown that he’d brought you for Christmas. You took one final glance in the mirror before leaving the ensuite and meeting him in the bedroom.

“Hey baby” you wrapped you arms around his neck as he brought you in for a hug, “I’ve missed you”.

“Oh I think I’ve missed you more” He loved being in your presence, your smell, your smile, he just loved it.

“I doubt that” you gave him a peck on the lips as you pulled apart, he took one of your arms and twirled you around.

“You look insane” a compliment from him never failed to make you blush. That’s what you loved about your relationship, the spark never seemed to disappear. You rolled your eyes slightly but the smile stuck on your face was a giveaway that no matter what he said made you weak in the knees. Overtime your confidence had grown and you’d learnt to give it back. You had slightly less sexual experience that Daniel when you’d met to say the least. He admired how you tried not to let it show, he found it quite cute actually, which is why he was surprised when one day the tables turned and rather than getting you to beg for it, it was him doing the asking. He liked it more than he let on and that didn’t go unnoticed as you watched his every move. You had started teasing him more at work, especially when your relationship was still unannounced and there wasn’t much he could do about it. Your favourite was at dinners or parties when you were both dressed up and couldn’t take your eyes off one another. That’s what tonight had felt like. The few days apart had made you irresistible to one another. You both laid in bed for a while after just looking at each other in a comfortable silence and you decided that you couldn’t keep it to yourself any longer.

“I love you” you whispered; a tear ran down your cheek as you spoke which turned his loving smile into a look of concern. He immediately pulled you on top of him and then in for a hug.

“I love you too” As he spoke you began to cry more into his neck. You lifted you head up after a minute or so and looked at him. Whenever you were upset he’d never immediately ask you what was wrong, he’d comfort you until you were ready to speak about it. His facial expression softened slightly when you let out a little laugh. He couldn’t help but smile at the state of you which made you laugh a bit more.

“I’ve been an emotional wreck the last few days” you admitted, “and I think I might know why”. Your hands played with his as you sat on his lower stomach. You still felt nervous as his eyes scanned your body even after all these years. He’d seen you naked countless amounts of time and had probably seen your body from more angles than you’d like to admit but his gaze still made you shy.

“Your period?” he asked casually.

“No” you took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes as you held his hands still on his stomach. “I think I might be pregnant”.

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