#basically i have to post this now or ill overthink it again <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[silverislander]

day 1: piltover

grey bruises red into strong pink and you hope it tastes like the sump all the way up in bluewind court. light slashes and drips never-powder-again blue down the stolen gold of rooftops. nothing ever stops in your head but now you've stopped the world and said i win and it's spitting out citizens like teeth onto the streets and cowering in the corner of the horizon agreeing with you. you hope it hurts like a boxer's fracture- no, more, as much as you have ever hurt combined and times ten million- and heals wrong, untreated, just like hers had to.

there's not going to be any pink and blue anymore, but for one last time, they're together again. it tears the fucking sky apart.

[running-in-the-dark]

I've got more to say on that post (tw I'm insane I don't know what to tag this as its just. mental illness man idk.)

I'm really, really glad that other people apparently really don't know what it's like to feel like that. like you're not allowed to think certain things or that thinking them makes you bad.

because fuck I wish that was me.

I find it almost impossible to talk about this but I'm trying because I've found it's really the only thing that helps a little bit - and it feels like literal torture, like. I am having to actively fight every instinct in my head to be able to type any of it.

but. just. man I just can't. sometimes I can do it, but sometimes it's like now and I get so panicked about it that all the words just fucking disappear. literally can't talk about it.

okay, I'll try a different way. so. I get extremely obsessed with fictional characters (which you know if you've ever looked at this blog because duh). obviously that means I think about them. a lot. all the time really. and it's. it is really really hard, honestly. just like. imagine having to basically check every. little. thought. to see if there's anything there that could make you a bad person.

again, can't go into any more detail because My Brain (probably should stop saying that, I guess it's like, part of the ocd tendencies I have or whatever) won't fucking let me.

so, I'm trying to work on that, and for some reason I'm doing that by writing it down instead. because then I have like, the option to go back and look at it and be like actually this is probably fine. not horrible, not the worst thing anyone has ever thought, and even if it was - no one but me is ever going to see this, so why should it even matter?

but more than anything it's like. shown me how fucking insane that is. I literally can't even write so much as like. a hug. without feeling like I'm the most disgusting piece of shit ever (lots of complicated reasons but it boils down to basically. well you're thinking about his body. and that his body would feel nice. and that is absolutely not allowed in any way). when I've said that I'm writing some insane shit I don't mean like haha, this is sooo dirty hehe :3 no guys I mean it is literally insane and mostly me literally having to write paragraphs of dialogue in which the character assures me that it's okay and I'm not horrible for thinking that and. like I'm literally writing him as if he's my fucking therapist because that's the only way I can justify it in my own head.

like, I am not exaggerating when I say that I've made myself feel like I'm physically ill from overthinking this so much. I literally felt like I had a fever because I got so extremely stressed out about it. I think that was about like. holding hands or some shit. I'm 32 fucking years old. I'm literally married (won't even get into that but fuck dude just imagine being like this and. yeah).

and the funniest part about all of that is that I feel so unbelievably ashamed about all of it that I don't think I could even mention it to a therapist or whatever. like the thought alone is so absolutely horrifying that it makes me feel like I need to be punished for it. so I just convince myself that well it can't really be OCD anyway because I don't even have compulsions anymore (even though I did, and they affected my life so much for like, 15 years at least), and well even if it could still be that even without the compulsions well it's not that bad really. I mean I don't have the issues that people with actual OCD have, it doesn't really affect me, so what if I can't think about fucking that fictional guy, imagine how much a therapist would laugh at you for thinking you should get help with that, nope your brain is just fundamentally broken (it's always been that way after all, so it can't be something like that, no you're just broken and wrong and that's why all your thoughts are bad, you're just the worst person on Earth).

I can't explain how hard it is to even like. just talk about the most mundane shit. like let's say there's a picture of The Guy and I think he looks good. it's such a struggle to let myself say that. like literally, something as fucking basic as that. literally anything that is an admission of 'hi I've thought about his face and his body and I think they look kind of nice' makes me feel like I should literally die. that's why I've been trying to say that shit as much as I can lately, with the reasoning being well if I just keep doing it and nothing horrible happens it'll get easier right? (nope it doesn't, not really)

and like, there's so much more to it than social media, obviously. like it's probably 99% my upbringing (didn't even fucking realise until very recently that a lot of it is based on religious stuff because I didn't understand that my family was even that religious. yeah I don't get it either. but there's way more than the religion aspect, just pretty much everything about my childhood and my parents and. everything). but it does play a huge part in it for me and. I don't know what to do about that and I'll probably do nothing because doing anything is hard and I'm already completely overwhelmed by everything.

yeah idk all of that came from thinking about that video too much, idk, I'm shutting up now

[jitterbugjive]

Something I wish more people would understand is how unhealthy and misguided I was in my early 20s. I came out of a life of mental and sexual abuse, for a bit I had a much older boyfriend than me that I didn’t realize until fairly recently was grooming me since I was 14. I was a hyper sexual teenager due to the exposure I had in childhood and I sought people out constantly to ERP with, even adults, without really thinking anything was wrong with that. I had an old friend who started running away from home to look for random adult men to sleep with so my understanding and feelings towards that kind of situation got all twisted and confused and I didn’t know how to help my friend. I had another friend who was pulled in to a 3 way by another minor and an adult, and the other minor was also the sort who actively looked for adult men who would be sick enough to sleep with her. And my best friend had a sister who was also exhibiting this behavior despite my friends’ many protests, because their mom didn’t give a single fuck about anything. I had an older babysitter, by older I mean in his 60s, who would bring up conversations about sex with me and show me porn on TV from when  I was 10-13. I was dealing with unchecked PTSD which made me overly reactive, prone to fits of anger and anxiety.

My point is, back then I didn’t have any kind of professional help or anywhere I could go for answers on things I didn’t understand or had a limited understanding of. When I ask the question ‘what do you do if a kid is seeking out adult sexual attention’ it’s not because I’m trying to blame kids for this, it’s because it scares me when kids are unknowingly, maybe even knowingly, exposing themselves to danger for whatever screwed up reason they may have. And no one wants to talk about that kind of situation, so I couldn’t find any answers. I couldn’t find an appropriate way to process my feelings on the matter, my understanding of it, the way I viewed it, I couldn’t find what the correct way to feel or deal with it was. Again, because no one wants to talk about it. With my naivety and personal experience, I at first held resentment towards kids like that, because I remember being put in danger because of them or they put my friends in danger, and those kids seemed very sure of their choices even when they were perfectly aware it was wrong. One of them I knew, even as an adult, didn’t ever think anything was wrong with what they did, they didn’t come with that regret you hear most people talking about. I regret the way I’ve reacted to these situations and I regret the way I phrased things when I was trying to come to terms with this issue that I’d been honestly traumatized by.

Another thing I didn’t understand in my early 20s was appropriate boundaries, because I wasn’t given appropriate boundaries as a kid I only knew one big basic thing: Don’t do anything sexually explicit with minors.

And when it came to RP, I thought that meant PG13 content was okay. I thought if there was a fade to black, or a time skip, or an implication, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Now, there are literally only 2 instances I can think of where there was any sort of implication of sexual acts between characters with a minor, I still made sure nothing explicit was shown or explored and I was of the impression that I was just letting the other person have fun because that’s what they were in to. And that was a mistake. Not as big of a mistake as it could have been, mind you, but I’d never cross that line. I thought I had a good line drawn in the sand but I didn’t really understand where it was supposed to be. Because if we’re gonna be honest here, looking back I know now even romantic fluff RP between an adult and a minor isn’t okay, even if it’s through characters and not as ourselves.

I know now how much of an emotional impact RP can have on a person, considering most of my romantic relationships started with RP. When you have a character you deeply connect to interacting with someone else’s character, it’s really easy to start mistaking your character’s feelings for your own. You could believe because your characters get along so well that maybe the two of you can get along romantically too. I’m not saying that RP shouldn’t lead to romance, but that it can easily blind a person from how their RP partner really is. So it’s dangerous to RP with kids like this. I should know, my abusive ex that groomed me until I turned 18 in order to date me certainly had me convinced we were meant for each other just because our characters clicked and my character happened to be a representation of myself.

Something I’m really ashamed to admit as well is a serious misjudgement on my part, where for some reason I assumed bodily fluids weren’t NSFW. Probably because I’ve seen people get away with censoring out naughty bits but leaving the spunk in an image, or just drawing the character with spunk on them or something. Point is, people were getting away with it not being flagged as porn, and my dumb brain was like ‘okay so it’s not that bad’. I need to make something clear here, I don’t entirely remember what happened or why it happened, but it’s true that Bedeviled Derpy had a post that showed spunk in 2 of the images and it was drawn from some sketches of mine by a teenager. I don’t believe I would have requested such a thing, I certainly didn’t script it to say ‘draw spunk here’, in fact the sketches don’t show any indication of a mess anywhere. I just remember being given the finished images with the spunk being added, and I was dumb enough to think “oh yeah this is totally okay for a SFW blog” and my brain didn’t even register like ‘hello yes a child drew this maybe ask them to remove the spunk also spunk isn’t sfw or child friendly in any way shape or form’

Some people, maybe only a handful, or more, I don’t know, but some people have this assumption that my mindset in all of this was like “Hahaha I’m taking advantage of a minor” and that’s just... not it?

I’m a colossal dumbass, I admit that, and I was really irresponsible, but it was NOT because I had any intentions on preying on a child. I just don’t do that.

The things I said and did, I did out of ignorance, and most of the bad stuff people talk about me saying was from 5+ years ago, before I got any help, before I had anyone to walk me through these incredibly complex emotions and opinions that were ingrained in my head since childhood.

I just wish that people could see I had no malice or ill intent, I wish people could realize they’re way overthinking my actions and taking things a lot more personally than they were ever meant to be. Maybe if they could see this for what it is rather than assuming I’m a villain who purposefully did everything wrong, they could learn to move on in a healthy way.

I understand I did a lot of harm and there’s no undoing that.

But I do NOT deserve to be accused of pedophilia. Pedophilia has literally ruined my life and my perception of the world. I’m a victim too, and just because I became an adult doesn’t mean I suddenly know right from wrong. That’s not how becoming an adult works. You’re allowed to make mistakes as an adult, being an adult doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes any more. Yes it’s easier to say to someone ‘you were just a kid, it was a mistake, you didn’t know any better’, but adults have a hard time knowing ‘any better’ too. We’re always growing and learning and I’d like to think people are smart enough to see that I have grown in to a better person.

I hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive me, but I fear some people are too far gone down the rabbit hole of being convinced that everything was on purpose and from malice, that I’m some evil mastermind who thrives on manipulation and taking advantage of kids. I’ve only ever associated with 2 minors since becoming an adult and I have no intention of associating with any more that aren’t directly connected to my family or my friends.

Anyone who actually knows me would know I have a 0 tolerance for IRL pedophilia, when I found out a member of one of my groups was showing nudes to minors he was immediately kicked out and I kept tabs on the situation to make sure he’d be caught by police. When a member in my server was exposed for ERP and orbiting with a minor, I kicked him out too.

I worry about kids to a point that it’s part of my PTSD, I have anxiety attacks just worrying about how a kid might be getting harmed, the last thing I want to do is bring harm to them.

And I did cause harm, I didn’t know that was what I was doing, but I did, because I wasn’t mature enough to understand how to interact with kids as an adult. And again, I’m just incredibly sorry things had to even come to this. I’m not lying when I say I think about this every single day, and sometimes spiral in to really bad anxiety because of it. It affects me heavily.

I want to move on.

And I want the people affected to move on too.

Because dwelling on this isn’t going to do anyone any good.

[anthi-tsak]

Yo @buggachat , so I literally just asked my mom’s opinion on marinette’s house so this is my and hers theory bc at this point I have been overthinking this and might end up crazy so let’s start bc I can’t anymore-

SO AS WE KNOW MARINETTE HAS 4 FLOORS IN HER APARTMENT

Pls excuse my writing-

ANYWAYS

AND HERE ARE BASICALLY THE STAIRS

I hope you understand this umm

SO FIRST FLOOR IS TOM’S AND SABINE’S BAKERY

AS YOU CAN SEE THERES A DOOR ON THE BACKGROUND THAT LEADS TO THE STAIRS

NOW FOR THE 2ND FLOOR DO YOU ALL REMEMBER THE TROUBLEMAKER EPISODE??? MARINETTE LITERALLY SAYS WHERE THE BATHROOM IS I MEAN I HOPE IM NOT WRONG BUT I BELIEVE THE BATHROOM IS ON THE 2ND FLOOR NOW LOOK AT THIS!👇

AHHH YES SO BASICALLY THIS IS IT? I DONT KNOW, I MEAN THEY HAVE TO SHOW US TO BE EXACTLY SURE BUT WHAT ELSE COULD “UPSTAIRS” MEAN? 2ND FLOOR??? TECHNICALLY YES

OOOKAY MOVE ON

On the 3rd floor we have The Dupain’s-Cheng’s living room and kitchen

So I have heard people say that the thing next to the stairs and the Chinese poster is a door? Mhm I definitely agree. In China there are doors that are exactly like this so it could really be a bathroom there too or maybe only a toilet, I mean the wall seems like it has some space for a small room. But again I’m not sure bc we’ve never seen open ofc. Also @buggachat I think you said there might be stairs going down? I mean marinette’s apartment is a small building so it is kinda unlikely but at this point idk we’re talking about f Miraculous sooo....

OK NEXT WE HAVE MARINETTE’S ROOM

Ok nothing to really say here only that her room is f perfect? Like ma’am can I have your room? And your balcony? It is so beautiful help- Ok and also still haven’t figured why she has a sink? I mean it’s nice but kinda extra?

Basically that’s it about the rooms, now about the stairs.....

Ignore Mari for you sake-

OK NOW ABOUT THE DOORBELLS

Well that’s my mom’s and mines opinion and basically:

It’s very normal for people to have doorbells in an apartment that is more that one floor.

Well for me it’s very normal and common seeing so many doorbells in a house bc I live in Europe too. In Europe a house that has more than one floor is called a maisonette. My grandparents have a house with 3 floors with an inside staircase and every floor has a doorbell so don’t overthink it guys, it’s just a House in Europe style. Ngl I too find it a little weird but this is how it is.

Also another thing is that the light switch looks soooo old just look at it!

Definitely not a modern style which means that this house is very old. My theory is that before Marinette and her parents lived here, I believe that Tom’s parents lived here also! They just renovated the house that’s why it doesn’t look old. And the thing that they live in front of a monument? The Notre-Dame? It just proves it more bc to find a house in Paris that is next to a monument and live there, it costs a HUUUGE amount of money. So that means that the Dupain-Cheng’s live A LOT of years there to have this house.

SO YEAH BASICALLY THIS IS IT? I HOPE I COVERED UP EVERYTHING, IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS GUYS JUST SEND THEM. THIS TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO SO IF YOU WANT REBLOGG SO OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE MY POST AND UNDERSTAND MARINETTE’S HOUSE BETTER? I WOULD GLADLY APPRECIATE IT. IF YOU STILL READING THIS THANK YOU SM. OK ILL STOP NOW I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[bbarican]

life updates; december 26, 2021

finally had time to sit down and talk about whats about to happen next month; im pretty nervous but at the same time, im glad its finally going to happen after years of just living with the worst allergy symptoms ever

thank you in advance for reading the whole thing!

remember that post where i said na sobrang pagod na ko and i just really want to rest kasi nga ever since december started, my mind has been in holiday mode ever since?

well, the world really said "ask and you shall receive bitch" kasi the same day i posted that, i found out na my polips' condition is really really really bad already and i need to get it take out asap; to cut to the chase, ever since i was around 9 years old, i suddenly developed this polips inside my nose (basically para siyang excess skin/bukol), specifically somewhere in my right nostril and its the main reason why i have the worst allergy attacks ever

dapat before pa talaga namin tatanggalin pero siguro since that was so many years ago when technology wasnt as advanced as it is now, the doctor who found out about my polips advised against surgery and idaan nalang daw muna namin through meds

fast forwards to my recent allergy attack, same shit, couldnt breathe at all, as in barado talaga ilong ko, the usual symptoms, pero after the snot disappeared, i suddenly felt this itchy sensation sa right nostril ko, kumbaga in lay mans term parang may kulangot na hindi ko matanggal

lo and behold, when we got my nose checked, nagsusugat na pala yung polips and i dont want to go into heavy details on how it looks but it looked really really bad

so after that day, i had to go get a ct scan, have my heart, lungs, and blood checked to see if im fit to have surgery and thankfully okay naman lahat which means by january (which is literally next month) i will be undergoing major surgery not only to remove my polips but to also have my nose aligned kasi apparently nakapaling yung isang bone sa nose ko making it more difficult for me to breathe on one side compared to the other

so yeah, with all of this suddenly being my priority, work has been giving me so much stress in return kasi im gonna be gone for atleast 2 weeks starting next month and i cant work on anything kasi nga ill be undergoing surgery and recovering so that means i have to squeeze in as much work as i can next week before i file for leave

add the fact na nagturnover na yung senior ko ng projects niya to me means na i have even more work to handle and its all just a blur and to be honest im just taking it one day at a time right now (even though my overthinking ass cannot handle eveything already)

but moral of the story is: health comes first. always. i was glad too to know na my boss was more than happy to let me file for leave for that long right after our long christmas "break" (may quotation marks yan kasi nagtatrabaho parin naman ako kahit break sksks) kasi nga its urgent eh; if i delay having this thing removed from my nose, im just gonna keep getting sick, plus with the weather about to change is 2-3 months time again, im pretty sure allergy season is nearing as well

so yeah, if you made it to the end of my post, thank you once again for taking your time to read about my little life update

wish me luck for my surgery? i hope everything goes smoothly and i hope the pain isnt that bad once i wake up after the surgery

[jaeyooniverseeee]

1, 12, 15, 24, 31, 42, 58

1; who was the last person you held hands with?

i think my little sister HAHAHA [she's 13 but i still call her little]

12; what are your 5 favourite songs right now?

1. Ki-dult by SBGB

2. bubblegum by Clairo

3. 외계어 by MongHoon

4. calling/into the iland by iland

5. put your records on by Ritt Momney

6. midsummer by jaebeom bONUS BECAUSE ITS JAEBEOM

15; what good thing happened to you this summer?

over here we dont really have summer, so ill just count that as the year so far.

so basically the good things are meeting the iland kids, meeting my girlfriend, gaining really nice moots here on tumblr, falling in love with JAKE, picking up the piano again, stanning mcnd, watching the iland kids grow.

24; favourite part of your daily routine,?

when the enhypen kids post, or when i watch iland content and fall in love all over again. they give me a serotonin boost no one else has ever given me.

31; is your hair long enough for a ponytail?

YES IT IS AND IM VERY PROUD

42; if you're extremely quiet what does it mean?

it usually means im upset or not okay in general and im trying to see if anyone notices HAHAH but it can also mean im overthinking or a sudden thought sank in, uk, reality check.

58; what was the last thing you ate?

BREAD.

[anon-luv]

Blankets 5FINALE5 [JungkookXReader]

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader (Feat. Rest of BTS)

Genre: Romance/Angst/Smut BadBoyAU!

Summary: A one night stand turned into various visits. No strings attached, or at least that is what you told yourself every time he walked through the door. His first name was the only thing you knew, besides having memorized every sensitive spot that laid upon his skin.

One night you catch a glimpse of his world. One that you had never had the temptation to roam on your free will. Jungkook though was addicting, and your craving for his touches led you to venture into his life. This new found world offering you a freedom you didn’t know existed. The consequences of your actions instead of taking you a step closer to him, formed a barrier. Jungkook’s sweet touches turned rough with rage, his passionate kisses turned possessive, and his comfortable casual talk went to promises/lies of a forever.

Rating: M [Language, Strong Scenes, Drug usage, Sexual Scenes]

Author’s Note: Took me forever.... I AM SO SORRY!!

I lost the original ending because my computer went to laptop heaven so I had to rewrite it. Here you go though. I hope you all like it. I am so nervous about posting this since it was the first fic I have ever written..and to be honest I did not expect anyone to like it lol. Thank you all for your support.

This is the finale, but I do plan to do a small epilogue drabble for this. 

Also I will edit it a bit more later...ignore minor grammar mistakes please

DISCLAIMER I DONT OWN THE LYRICS!!! Credit to people who wrote it. 

Let Go by Hailey....Steinfield? hehehehehe

Love yall!!

Trigger warning: Drugs, alcohol, and Sexual scenes

Not 100% edited yet. Might have minor mistakes :)

Feedback is greatly appreciated! It makes me Happy!

Word Count: 6.2k+

Blankets

.Part 1. .Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.  [Fic Playlist]

MASTERLIST

“I can’t sleep right now, so instead I’ll lie here and imagine better days. Days where I’ll wake up to your arms around me and not your name on my phone. Days where I’ll fall back asleep to the sound of your heartbeat and not the lonely silence of this room. Days where we’ll be together and nothing else will really matter anymore. But should I manage to slip off into a new night of dreams, I hope you know you were the last thing on my mind. You always are.”

 Whoever said Love is a blessing was lying…...Love is a curse. Love is a parasite consuming you from the inside slowly and painfully with no remorse. Love is to lose oneself in a feeling without a guarantee of finding love on the other side. Love is pain. Love is a weakness. Love is succumbing yourself body and soul to another person and giving them the ability to walk away at any given time, leaving you with nothing left. Love…...you were completely in Love with him, and you were starting to despise the ill feeling that had taken over your life.

Your sleeping schedule had adjusted to his, in order to have as much time with him as possible. He had become an addiction, an endless craving.

The way Jungkook kissed you had changed along with your relationship. The kisses seemed to last longer, but they also tended to be a lot rougher. He was not as fond of you spending time with Yoongi or any of the guys on your own. He always managed to keep a hand on you when they were present as if he was marking his territory. You had never witnessed such a possessive trait on Jungkook when he was with Tabi. You knew that what you and Jungkook had was a lot more different and complicated than what theirs had been, but you were slightly taken aback on how needy he had become. You didn’t mind it at all for you were just as needy yourself. Jungkook and you spend most of your time locked inside your apartment talking about everything and anything. The blanket had become your haven, and parting with them was becoming almost physically painful.

Winter had come and gone, and the melting snow had marked your anniversary with Jungkook. The day was colder than usual, and Jungkook had finally managed to keep a stable job for longer than a month. Yoongi had managed to wiggle Jungkook into a paid internship in the music studio. Jungkook had taken advantage of the position and started using the studios to create his own music. His singing had become his number one priority besides you. The hang out spot usually lacked your presence, for most of the time that you weren’t with Jungkook you stayed in your apartment waiting for him to come back. The boys stopped at times to say hello or have dinner with you guys, but you rarely hit the circle to fill up your lungs with smoke now at days.

“I miss you,” Yoongi said through the phone “I see you more at the studio these days than anywhere else. The garage is lonely without your presence. Danielle and Namjoon have been glued at the hip by the way. What’s up with that?”

“He must be doing her good,” you said bursting out into giggles.

You heard a yuck from the other side of the line “Too much info (y/n), I much rather not know which places have been rubbing against each other behind closed doors. Which by the way...are you and Jungkook going to get over this whole humping like bunnies stage...it is growing old”

“Yoongi, we don’t hump all the time… we talk in between breaks” you said teasingly.

“Ok that is it, I am hanging up now,” Yoongi said as your giggle turned uncontrollable.

“See you in a bit Yoongi. I am on my way to the studio” you said as the cold wind blew against your face once again.

“Whatever” you heard him say as his other side went dead.

The chilly winter air was canceled out by the warmth of the building that you had just entered. The area was quite roomy, white, and clean. It looked modern and you felt a bit out of place.

As soon as you entered the premises you quickly scanned for Jungkook in the desk he usually sat at. His lack of presence gave you a weird chill down your spine, sort of like an intuition of something that was about to flip your world upside down. Before you could overthink the feeling Yoongi came out of a door and walked over to you, “Hey, Jungkook is in the back recording some stuff, he asked me to tell you to pop a squat. He shouldn’t be more than 10 minutes”

You nodded and took a seat in one of the white stiff couches in the waiting area, Yoongi smiled at you and turned back to the door he had just come out from. He looked a bit hurried as he basically ran back inside what you assumed was a studio.

It had been an hour. Your phone was at 15% and your foot had tapped annoyingly on the floor for the last 30 minutes or so. Finally, Jungkook stepped out of the room looking quite happy, completely ignoring the fact that he had made you wait for so long. He jumped into the couch next to you making your anger and frustration melt away as his lips captured yours in a surprise lock, something that was not appropriate for the public, but as your hands made their way to his soft locks the rest of the world disappeared.

“Gross” you heard a deep voice say breaking you apart.

“Your ass” Jungkook replied to Yoongi playfully as he managed to pick you up and sit you down on his lap “You are just jealous I own this sexy pair of lips ….and I am not talking just about the ones on her face.

“YAH! Jungkook respect your elders” Yoongi replied, but you could see a flash of a strange emotion in his eyes.

You smacked Jungkook on the chest “Stop it Kook! Or I will ground you”

“Oh, please do,” Jungkook said sexily in your ear.

“Ok time to go home,” you said pulling Jungkook up.

“Oh, please do,” Yoongi said mocking Jungkook’s previous statement.

You walked towards the pale man and pecked his cheek “Stop it Grumpy ass”

Yoongi rolled his eyes clearly blushing. Jungkook gave Yoongi a stare, but he just shrugged off the younger boy as he waved you goodbye.

Before you made it out the door you heard Yoongi yell Jungkook’s name followed by a “Don’t worry about a thing Kookie, we will spread that shit all over the stations”

Jungkook’s previous possessive stare turned to one of excitement as his bunny smile spread taking over his whole face.

Before you could ask what that was about Jungkook was already pulling you away towards the apartment, barely giving you time to breathe as he decided to toss you over his shoulder to get there faster. You laughed the whole way back, not knowing what was about to hit you head on and in all honesty as Jungkook ran back to your apartment while whispering naughty things in your ears, you did not give a single fuck.

  Change. It was bound to come. It always came when you least expected it. It started that fateful night when Jungkook’s possessiveness took an all-time high. All it took was Yoongi’s hand on your lap for Jungkook to snap. Punches, kicks, pushes, split lips, and a bruised eye later you had grown tired of it. When had your relationship turned into this?? The freedom you had felt whenever Jungkook was present had been thrown out the window. As soon as Jimin and Hoseok split the boys up you pulled Jungkook away as if the place was on fire. You needed an explanation of whatever the fuck was going on.

“Okay Jungkook, are you a puppy I need to get fixed or something? what the fuck is wrong with you??” you asked as you gently placed ice on his swollen lip.

“The real question is what the fuck is wrong with you?? Are you some sort of hot potato that my friends can pass around and run their hands all over??? Are you a hoe now?? Is that your goal? am I not good enough??” Jungkook scram in your face as his face grew a gross shade of red.

For the first time throughout your relationship with Jungkook, you were rendered speechless.

The tears threatening to fall not from sadness, but from complete and utmost anger. Who did he think he was? He had turned your life upside down and he thought he had the right to judge you?

“Jungkook, Yoongi and I are friends, you know that we have been close for a while as FRIENDS.” you replied not knowing what to say exactly to please the man-boy. Your mind running about 100 miles per hour. You just wanted to fast forward ahead and get this night over with.

“Yeah friends, sure whatever you say (y/n)” he said grabbing his beanie and stomping away towards the door, the ice on the table melting….forgotten. He turned to look at you one more time and you could see him fighting a battle inside his dark brown orbs. He walked back towards you and captured your lips in a rough yet breathtaking kiss.

Your hands consumed themselves in his broad back pulling him in even closer. You craved his warmth more than anything in the world. He was your safety net, he was your comfort blanket.

Jungkook bit your lower lip causing you to moan into the kiss intensifying it. He walked you backward into your open bedroom door. He laid you down softly on the bed, and he paused looking down at you. His eyes traveling across your face like he wanted to map out every single freckle as if they were stars in the sky and he was about to become a blind man. You scrunched up your nose getting a bit self-conscious. A gentle smile appeared on his face contrasting the previous argument that was no longer existent in your mind.

You whispered, “I love you”

He bends down to capture your lips “I love you too”

His hands peeled your clothes slowly gracing your skin ever so softly. Feathery like kisses sprinkled across your neck traveling down, marking a path to what you knew was going to shoot you up to the stars.

As he lifted your hips to strip off your last piece of clothing you noted a lone tear escaping his eyes, but before you could ask what was wrong, he thrusted deep into you making you swallow down your questions and insecurities.

The blanket now cocooning your bodies as you moved in sync with each other, a sweaty beautiful mess.

You knew something was off when your eyes opened to an empty bed, empty kitchen, and half of an empty closet. Jungkook was nowhere to be found and neither was his clothes. Even the old worn out ones you had treasured from before you both became an item were missing.

Your hands trembled with anxiety as you reached towards your phone. 25 missed called, none from Jungkook. You ignored the notifications and dialed the number you now had as memorized as your own name.

Disconnected. The line had been disconnected. The beep on the other line ringing endlessly, but you didn’t give up. After 50 calls, your neurons decided to assist you, and you dialed Yoongi. After 3 rings he answered sounding worried.

“Hey, how are you doing?? I heard” he asked in a quiet serious tone.

“What happened Yoongi?? Tell me what the fuck is going on??” you asked breaking down in nervous tears.

Yoongi sighed into the phone “I’ll be right there”

“No don’t. Meet me at the studio” you said in a rush and hung up the phone.

  You slammed the door to your car as you turned it on and rushed out of the parking space. Much to your luck, you had gotten stuck at 5 pm traffic. Your anxiety causing you to hyperventilate. You raised the volume of your radio and the ac in your car. Your finger tapping a rhythm against the steering wheel.

You looked anxiously at your watch. It had already been 10 minutes in traffic and the line was still not moving. You regret your decision to take your car.

The radio suddenly caught your interest “And now a brand new song featuring one of our hometown artists who has taken off to the big city with a shiny new contract. We wish you the best of luck!”

Your heart accelerated, Yoongi’s voice telling Jungkook something about a radio station coming into mind, but this couldn’t be Jungkook.

 “You made plans and I, I made problems

We were sleeping back to back

We know this thing wasn't built to last and

Good on paper, picture perfect

Chased the high too far, too fast

Picket white fence, but we paint it black

Ooh, and I wished you had hurt me harder than I hurt you

Ooh, and I wish you wouldn't wait for me but you always do

I've been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn't

Somebody's taking care of all of the mess I've made

Someone you don't have to change

I've been hoping

Someone will love you, let me go” Jungkook’s soft voice blasted through the speakers.

 Your silent tears had become hysterical. The lyrics to the song hitting you like an 18-wheeler ramming head into your small beat up beetle. The song you were assuming had been written about Tabi.

 Arriving at the studio had felt like ages, and when you saw Yoongi waiting for you outside walking aimlessly from side to side as if he was as lost as you, you broke apart in his arms.

He caressed your hair “I promise I had no clue. He said he had told you. He said you were going with him. I even helped him pick out an apartment in the city. He was excited about moving WITH YOU to a new city”

You looked into his sad familiar eyes “Yoongi, how long?”

“What?” he asked confused.

“How long has he known about this? About the city? About the contract?” you asked desperately for answers you knew were just going to hurt you more.

“About 10 months ago, he got scouted by one of our talent agents, and he got asked to write a song and send in a demo. About 3 months ago he started writing a song…….and we finished it 2 weeks ago” he said summarizing the betrayal that had been Jungkook.

Jungkook had never really believed in a future with you. 10 months ago you were celebrating your 2nd month anniversary playing video games with endless pizza and chips, and now as you stared at your broken reflection against Yoongi’s glasses, you came to the realization the song might have been about you.

 Yoongi went back to your apartment and made you a burned toast for dinner. He tried cracking jokes, failing miserably at making you smile. You kicked him out nicely at 12am, as your feet dragged you lifelessly to your once shared bedroom. His belongings completely gone, but the memories more present than ever. You made your way into your bed wrapping the blankets around you from head to toe. His scent strong against your nose. You buried your face in his pillow and screamed as loud as you could. You scram and cried till your eyes gave up, and your heart and brain surrendered into a sleeping coma to let your body rest from all the pain.

  The next morning you were mad. Scratch that; you were furious. The sadness from the previous day had gone down the drain replaced by outrageous rage. The alarm clock turned on the radio station as if on cue playing Jungkook’s now HIT SONG according to the DJ.

You heard knocking on the door and you stomped your way to open it. The anger glowing in your eyes made Yoongi want to hide behind the brown bag full of donuts he had brought to cheer you up.

The tears in your eyes erupting from a dormant volcano as soon as you saw Yoongi at your doorstep, looking fully awake and quite scared instead of his sleepy grumpy self.

You decided at that very moment that you hated change. You hated the red hair that now lay upon your head, you hated the piercing on your tongue, you hated the way Jungkook’s number was no longer a mystery but carved in your memory, you hated how empty your apartment was, but most of all you hated the emptiness in your heart you could’ve avoided by not letting Jungkook in after that first one night stand.

Yoongi walked into your apartment after building courage setting the bag on the table and starting a pot of coffee. Caffeine had always been the best remedy for his everyday problems, and right now it seemed like you needed a bit of a boost.

You frowned at the dark cup of coffee in front of you as you bit at a donut as if it was Jungkook’s head. Yoongi frowned not used to seeing you in such a horrible state.

“Do I look like garbage Yoongi??” you asked the boy sitting across from you.

He set his coffee mug down and looked deep into your eyes.

“No (y/n), you are seriously one of the most beautiful treasures I have been granted in my life, and you are the closest to a best friend that I will ever have. You did not deserve any of this shit, the problem wasn’t you” he said holding your trembling hand in his large calloused one “I am sorry (y/n) I should’ve tried to keep you away, I didn’t think stuff would end up like this. But just a tip…. sometimes showers are good for the soul…..and other things”

“Yoongi you warned me, you warned me several times and it fell on deaf ears. It is not your fault...it is all mine. I fucked up...just like I always do “ you said with a bitter laugh “Karma is a bitch after all”

Yoongi looked at you with saddened eyes, “(Y/n), whatever you are thinking don’t please. I know you must be thinking the worst right now but give life a chance. Sometimes shit happens, but it happens for a reason. You were too good for Kook anyway. You think you are a fuck up?? Then he was times ten.”

You smiled sadly at Yoongi “You think so?”

He stood up and wrapped his arms around you. His warmth reminding you of Jungkook, but you couldn’t help but notice how much bulkier Jungkook’s arms were. Yoongi kissed your cheek shyly “I know so”

A week. It had been a week and no word from your Houdini.

The sheets now lay cold in your bed, the essence of him still lingered for you have not been able to sleep in the bed you had once shared with the person you thought would be the love of your life. You walked aimlessly around your apartment seeking proof that he had existed, the pictures framed on your wall not good enough to satisfy your need for him.

Why would he leave so unexpectedly right after making love?

You sighed completely annoyed at yourself?

You were being weak while he was in his prime, being showered with all kinds of rewards. You looked back at the blankets, your dry tears in your cheeks feeling sticky against your hand.

If he was done with you, you were done with him.

You had already wasted too much time chasing after a person you weren't even sure wanted to be chased in the first place. You were better than this.

Determined and numb to any Jungkook related emotions you marched towards the bed ripping away the sheets in which he used to lay and walked straight out of the apartment.

Half the blanket dragging behind you like a tail, you walked away throwing them out of your life along with your memories of Jungkook.

There on the floor beneath the bed though, a letter that had been wrapped around the blankets went unnoticed, your name scribbled on the front along with a crooked heart.

 ----

“I really do not think you should be doing this” Yoongi said trying to take away the lighter that you grasped tightly in your fist. Yoongi was on his way to your flat when he noticed your figure walking around with your bedsheets. His curiosity allowing you to proceed in your strange endeavors, but as soon as your lighter made an appearance it was game over. The blanket had been placed in your apartment complex’s trash, but even then, the mere thought of the blankets existing irked you. Fire was the only answer to your current predicament, and you did not even care about any future consequences.

You lit the corner of the blanket, and before you knew it, a blaze had ignited setting the rest of the trash surrounding them in different shades of orange.

“Holy Shit” Yoongi whispered as the fumes started to make him cough.

The fire growing faster than you would have imagined causing your neurons to properly function again, you looked at Yoongi completely panicking “What the fuck do you think you are doing?? Call the fire department. I fucked up! “

Yoongi nodded quickly taking out his phone

Not even a minute later the sirens blasted through your neighborhood ready to put out the fire in the trash can. You wondered if you stood right in front of the pressured water hose, would it put out the fire that was burning from within your heart as well??

 Bullshit.

This was utter bullshit.

“One thousand seven hundred dollars!!! What the fuck? All I did was burn some blankets outside” you scram looking at the court fee you had just received in the mail.

 “Well, you did almost light up your apartment building??” Danielle said shaking her head as she sat down in what now was her usual seat aka Namjoon’s lap.

 You rolled your eyes at her, ready to argue your case, but before you could Danielle stood up pulling Namjoon along with her. Her slim figure not giving away the Hulk she has hidden within. Namjoon smiled at her like a love-sick puppy. You gagged playfully as she walked next to you ready to head out the door.

She looked at you suggestively as she gave you a wink “Anyway, we better head out. The rest of the kiddos are waiting for us in the Garage. See you there LATER” she said enunciating the last sentence, not really giving you a choice of whether you would make an appearance or not.

 “You too Yoongi, behave,” she told him as she bit her lip suggestively. The color of your cheeks brightening as you tried hiding the fact that you had noticed her not so subtle hint at Yoongi.

 Yoongi and you had grown closer with the passing months, other than school and work you had spent every waking moment together. The line between friendship and romance growing thinner and thinner by the minute, but when Yoongi tried to jump over the boundary, there was always something holding you back. Jungkook.

Even though he was long gone, you couldn’t shake him off. He was everywhere you looked. He was in the raindrops that kissed your skin in the evenings when memories of him twirling you around as he hummed a song to end it with a slow passionate kiss came to mind. He was in the late mornings when you would wake up at 11, and you would have a tough time deciding whether you wanted a late breakfast or early lunch, when back, when he was around Jungkook, would flip a coin, before you would instead end up having to eat dinner. Jungkook was behind every Superhero movie or comic book, the lines of some memorized due to the endless replays, courtesy of Jungkook. He had become a permanent mark. A tattoo that you thought would wash off with water and soap, but instead, it had turned into a lifetime commitment. Something you sometimes completely despised and regretted while at times you treasured it like it was the most beautiful piece of art.

There were days where you laid in bed, replaying your last day with him over and over again, wondering where you went wrong. Your head commanding your heart to move on, but your heart played deaf not following orders.

Yoongi had been your aloe vera. He had been there for you on your down days when the urge to google Jungkook’s name had become so tempting, you had turned your computer off and on over 100 times. He had studied with you a few hours before your class when you had forgotten to study because Jungkook thoughts had clouded all of your reasoning the night before. He had stood with you in court sharing your punishment over a stupid immature decision because of those stupid blankets. Yoongi had been there, all along from the beginning he had never gone away. Why did your heart keep pining for someone who was no longer there? It was just like chasing a ghost…..

 Yoongi’s head rested on your lap while he scrolled through his phone. His eyes moving slowly from side to side as he read an article that was obviously interesting to him. His facial expressions had become easier to read now, and you could tell he was deeply intrigued. You were but a pillow to him at the moment, so you decided to take the opportunity to admire the man who has stood beside you. His long fingers moving fluidly with ease, you could tell easily he played an instrument. His pouty lips hiding one of the cutest rarest of smiles you had ever seen. His nose a little button that sometimes scrunched up reminding you of a little kid. He was cute. He was handsome. Why couldn’t the butterflies in your belly flutter around for him?

 “You look a little troubled” Yoongi’s deep voice snapped you out of your thoughts. You looked up to stare into his brown eyes that were now leveled with yours.

“I am not...not at all I just…”

“Did you forget I can read you like the back of my hand?” he said pinching your cheek playfully as if you were a little girl.

You gave him a smile, that unwillingly turned into a pout, “I just don’t get it”

“Don’t get what??” he asked tilting his head to the side.

 You stood up from the couch and walked towards the window not daring to make eye contact with him, “Why it still hurts…. Why I can’t move on. Why are there days where I feel perfectly fine like he never existed only to wake up the next feeling like I can’t stand up because I am missing a part of me? I want to know why I did this to myself. I want to know why my brain is telling me to move on, but my heart is not having it. I want to confess that when I look at you I want to love you, but for some reason, something is holding me back….he is holding me back Yoongi, and I don’t know if he will ever let me go”

 Yoongi looked down at his hands, his phone forgotten beside him. He looked up at your now hunched figure across from him. Tears flowing down, something that hasn’t happened in a while, at least not in front of him. Yoongi stands up following your footsteps as he crouches down to level your face with his. His hand caressing the side of your face, wiping a few tears before he tilts your head up to look at him. Your eyes shyly meeting his. His breath hitting lightly on your lips as a scent of mint takes over your senses completely hypnotizing you.

Before you knew it, his hand had fallen away from your face, his wide eyes now focused on the direction of the front door.

“Kook?” he whispered in shock.

Your breathing hitched paralyzing you in place, barely gaining enough momentum to face towards the direction Yoongi was staring at.

Jungkook stood there in one of his usual white shirts, his face completely pale as he took in the sight before him.

He looked from Yoongi’s eyes to yours, a look of absolute betrayal taking over his previous shaken expression.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?” he scram walking forward completely furious at the man in front of you.

Before Yoongi could react, Jungkook was already holding him by the collar, pulling his fist back to aim a hard blow right upon his face.

You stood up quickly due to the adrenaline rushing through your veins. The confusion in your brain muted, to try and pacify the upcoming fight.

“Jungkook, put him down, nothing was going on,” you said trying to pry his hands off the man’s shirt.

“What are you saying (y/n), I can’t hear you with all that shit pouring out of your mouth,” Jungkook said completely furious.

His eyes practically glowing red with anger.

“Jungkook seriously let him go, we were just talking,” you said as you soothingly touched his neck, “Please babe”

Jungkook took a deep breath as he set Yoongi back down on his feet.

Yoongi looked confused at the younger boy standing in front of him “What the fuck bro! Where did you go? Why didn’t you call or anything?? We were all worried”

“You didn’t seem that worried a minute ago” Jungkook replied looking directly at you accusingly.

“Hey, don’t talk smack, she didn’t have a clue of where you were or what you were doing, you just disappeared,” Yoongi said trying to stand protectively in front of you.

“What are you talking about?? I left her a note. On the bed right before I left. I was scared, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to drag her with me to something that could potentially fall apart and leave us homeless” Jungkook explained.

You stared at him confused “Note??”

“Yes, I left you a letter, right beside where you were sleeping on top of the blankets” he replied, “Wait did you even read the letter? Did you even see it?”

You looked down completely baffled by your own stupidity. You met his eyes and then scurried towards the room you had once shared with him. The urge to look through every corner for the mysterious letter taking a front seat in your mind. It didn’t even take you 10 seconds to find the letter, it was neatly laying underneath your bed as if it was placed there by magic. The urge to facepalm yourself almost winning over your urge to cry in absolute dismay.

This letter right here was about to mend you or break you all over again.

 You looked back towards the door, the two boys standing there frozen in place. You looked at them both as silence took over the room. The letter in your hand felt like it was burning through your emotions. Nothing mattered more than the words written down in that piece of paper.

 Yoongi looked at you for a second and then back at Jungkook. An expression of defeat as he uttered “I think I should go”

You looked at him through your tear-filled eyes “I am sorry Yoongi”

 “Just….call me. Let me know you are okay before you head to bed” he said as he walked off. Not even giving Jungkook a second glance. Yoongi’s heart had been stomped on and it was all your fault.

 “I am sorry Yoongi” you whispered again as your focus went back to the item in your hands.

  (y/n),

I am sorry for taking off without saying goodbye, but I know how much you hate them.

If you take 15+ minutes to hang up on a phone call I would never leave the apartment.

I will be back though I promise. I am leaving without my phone or anything. I want this to be as quick as possible to get back to you. Once I assure this is not a too good to be true gimmick I’ll be back for you my love. We will move to the city together and I will make you mine forever. I love you so much and I am sorry for doing this without any prior notice. We have been through so much together already that a few months will be nothing on us.

You can hit me, scratch me, and make me your sex slave for years to come after I come back, but please do not forget about us. Do not give up. Be strong for me my love, like I’ll be strong for you. Listen to my radio shows and tv interviews, you will be mentioned in each one till I am back in your arms. I LOVE YOU!!!!

 Your KookieMonster

  Jungkook laid in your bed listening to the whole fiasco that had happened while he was gone. A smile of amusement plastered on his face much to your surprise. You were expecting yelling, and an endless number of accusing fingers your way, but all you got were smiles and chuckles in his behalf.

 “Why are you laughing??” you said crossing your arms and pouting “I was broken, I hated you, and I am now 2,000 dollars in debt to the city”

 “I am laughing because you could’ve avoided all this shit if you did your adulting correctly and actually did your bed,” he said as he stood up and walk towards you.

 The tears that you were holding back spilling out like a leaky faucet, “It hurt…. it hurt so much”

 “I know babe, but I am here now,” he says cradling in his arms. Those arms you have missed so much.

 “I love you so much …..so so much” you whispered as you peppered kisses along his face.

 He grasps your face in between his two hands and finally your lips meet. Desperation evident in every lick and bite.

A moan escapes your lips as you let him guide you back into bed. The past is forgotten and ripped away with every piece of clothing that was starting to pile up onto the floor.

 Jungkook backs away after both of your shirts are off, snapping you out of your heated hunger.  Your arms shooting automatically upward to pull him back to you.

“Wait are you sure you want to do this??” he asked with half-lidded eyes.

The same eyes you have dreamt about every night since you have last seen them were in front of you once again……. And your heart...your stupid heart…..is the one you follow as you kiss him again answering his previous question.

He stops you once again causing you to sigh in annoyance.

“Mood killer,” you say playfully as he scurries to get something from his pant’s pocket.

He pops out a ring and lands himself on one knee.

The confusing in your face is quite evident for her tries to explain what is happening before you reject him.

“It is not a wedding proposal….it’s a promise. I know I fucked up when I left you behind. From now on I promise I will never leave your side, and once we are up and not in debt we will do the whole white dress and big party thing” he says reassuring you.

You smile at him replaying his words in your head and then something clicks “Wait, what do you mean in debt??”

He shrugs his shoulders as if he was a child about to be scolded, “Well I kind of broke the contract when I came back here. I just couldn’t stand being without you anymore….I couldn’t so I left”

“Wait….you know you could’ve called me right?” you asked searching his eyes.

He dismissively shook his head “Not the same, plus I doubted you would’ve answered the phone when I didn’t even give you a proper see you later”

You rolled your eyes…..

“(y/n), my knee,” he said making a faint yelp as he tried to keep balanced “It is getting numb”

“Silly, stand up,” you said trying to pull him up.

“NOT TILL YOU ANSWER,” he said in between his teeth clearly in pain but stubborn as hell.

You looked at the boy in front of you. The one that had made you jump through hoops and see the world in a different perspective in a matter of months. The guy who was a complete and utter fuck up just like you.

You kissed him hard letting every emotion out in that kiss.

He looked at you dreamily “Is that a yes??”

“I’ll let you know in the morning,” you said as you grasped him from the arms and pulled him towards you, your new blankets about to be blessed by both your bodies tangling and fusing into one.

Whatever tomorrow brought doesn’t matter as long as there was a Jungkook in your life….. No matter how, where, or when….as long as he was beside you.

[psychotic-spectrum]

I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MY OWN FRIENDS ANYMORE

Namaste ^^ So I have a question…is it a schizo thing to not be able to talk to your friends? Like we all be chilling, everything’s fine but after some time I just kind of forget how to have a conversation. It often happens when I “embarrass” myself by messing up words or even whole sentences, that upsets me so much my heart starts beating like crazy sometimes it’s so intense my vision starts to get blurry and i feel like I’m in slow motion. In that case it’s Level 100000 uncomfortable but like I said it happens as well when we just be chilling. Even in my own place where I feel really comfortable and everyone else also. At some point I just can’t think of anything to say and it makes me anxious ( if I’m not already anxious because I “embarrassed” myself). I’m then usually trying to force a conversation, which just leads to me asking dumb questions and realizing how dumb they are the second after they left my mouth. I also have bpd so I notice the slightest change in someone’s tone or their facial expressions so basically I just sit there, asking dumb questions and watching my friends first get irritated then bored and finally annoyed. They never laugh at me or make rude comments they’re literally so sweet and kind but idk I guess it’s the borderline that makes me realize all the details that show what they’re thinking and feeling. Like they be glancing at each other for 0.1 second after I just said some dumb shit and someone without mental illness probably wouldn’t notice. I, on the other hand, am waiting for shit like this to happen every second of every day. It’s like I have a seventh sense for stuff like that (thx bpd, I see what ya did there). After a while the whole vibe just dies and everyone starts getting uncomfortable and kinda bored. That, sadly it’s even possible, gives me even more anxiety and I’m one step from going bananas (one time I had to throw up and sometimes I even fucking dissociate in front of other people)!!!! So at this point there’s absolutely nothing I can do, I’m just a bundle of stress and anxiety, like there’s no calming down or getting over it, every attempt to do that is making it worse. My friends are now full on bored and confused and kind of having they’re own conversation, they’re just still there cuz once again they’re too kind and would never leave me sitting there feeling like shit ( little do they know I’m already on my bullshit and I wouldn’t be surprised if they just left lol) sometimes this state lasts up to 3 hours and you can probably imagine how awful that is. I’m constantly thinking about stuff to talk about and when I find something I rehearse it in my head a million times and guess what? I just end up talking shit again. Ok, so I accept the fact that I’m not able to bring up a topic or something so I’m just trying to drop a few comments here and there but nope, I suck at saying “oh” or “yeah I’ve heard about that”. It’s not in my head, like I see the way they look at me when I say something and at some point they even avoid eye contact, like I know I have bpd but ITS REAL IM NOT KIDDING. My anxiety is now on level 10000000000 ( and by that I mean I can’t even control my mimic I can literally feel it I DONT wanna know what it looks like) and my friends are obviously annoyed. Yup. That, I don’t know for a fact, but I’m always feeling like they start texting each other about how they wanna leave, cuz they happen to get a text from their mom or gotta catch the last subway home at the exact same time and the goodbye is like soooo awkward I’m just such a piece of shit I swear I sometimes even fucking apologize to them for being boring or weird or annoying like who the fuck does that omfg I’m 20 years old that’s hilarious. like it wasn’t enough i manage to make it even more uncomfortable and fucked up. When they leave I often start to cry, cut or burn myself or freak out like a little child and toss shit around and kick my Inventar it’s unreal. I think about it constantly for days sometimes weeks and the anxiety is also not leaving, in fact growing day by day because of my overthinking. I really don’t know what to do anymore, it’s making me sick and worst of all, really lonely…I’ve lost lots of friends because of this shit and the few close friends I still have (besides my 2 best friends, I can totally be myself around them, no anxiety whatsoever) will eventually get tired of me and my behavior soon too. I can’t blame them honestly. I think I wouldn’t like me If i met myself. I’m just creeped out, weird, awkward and psycho to the bone. Some of them even feel sorry for me I think. They always go like “sweetie you can always hit me up with whatever, that’s what friends are for” and they be the ones making fun of me in group chats later. Sad thing is they don’t do that because they’re assholes like that (well kind of maybe) they do it because there is basically nothing else you could do but LAUGH AT ME. The point I was trying to get to is: Is that a schizo thing ? I’ve been diagnosed a few months ago and I’m also bipolar and like i said i suffer bpd. I just wanna know if anyone with schizophrenia can relate or if I’m really fucking casually sliding into another goddamn mental illness???

This is one long ass text but I needed to get this off my chest and I have no one to talk about this. Also your blog has helped me so so so much with realizing that the things I do and feel are “normal” I guess when you’re mentally ill. I’ve found many people, who struggle with the same shit i do and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Thank you for creating this little comfort zone where we can share our struggles, experiences and coping mechanisms. I’d be the happiest girl if you took some time to reply to me <3 Or maybe you could post it on your blog so that other people can share their opinions, Im pretty sure there are many people out there that experience similar situations. Even if you don’t share this or answer me I’m still very very thankful that your blog made me feel like it’s okay to just rant about my feelings. Who- and wherever you are I hope you’re doing okay and feel loved today and everyday!! Stay strong !!! Peace and Love, M

Hi, first of all, thanks for trusting me with your situation… look, I’m not sure if this is a schizo thing, in schizophrenia you have disorganized speech and that can cause problems in communication, but what you’re experiencing seems more like anxiety to me, or connected to bpd. I relate because for the longest time I had anxiety communicating with people, I think it’s only decreased in the last three years and I’m lot older than you, I also have bpd and I remember when I was 20 it was a torturte to communicate with people and the anxiety was through the roof, but I link that to my bpd more than my schizoaffective disorder. You’re still very young so you can work on this through therapy, therapy helped me alot to overcome this fear of not knowing what to say. A piece of advice a therapist told me is that, when I don’t know what to say, ask questions to the other person, people love talking about themselves, and you know what, it works!

I wish you the best and I hope you can find the help you need

[leonbastralle]

Replies!

yet again i waited a while oops (also look at this wonderfully creative title would you) but here they are finally!! tumblr kept eating half of them and here i thought they finally had that fixed -.-

anyway thanks for your support my dudes!! it’s appreciated ♥♥

thatsimslove replied to your photoset

This is a gorgeous picture 😍

thank you!! this place is so perfect for a wedding ;_;

peachbobs replied to your photo “wow thanks”

scroll the top thingy all the way over and make sure safe mode is off !!

i did that! tumblr just does that sometimes when nobody’s tagged you in anything for too long XD

volcanopasta replied to your photoset

Return of the flower beard!

YESSSSSSSSSSS i could not let this opportunity go to waste!

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

😍

worth the pregnancy and baby drama, huh? i love all these kids so much wait till you see them as children!

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

Ahh cuties!!

Breeze might be favourite now haha

bay’s probably MY new fave xD but breeze is good! she has quite a lot of connie tho i think (re: that one comment that comes later bc replies don’t know chronological order abt wave looking like connie)

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “Gen 6 is finally complete with Bay and Breeze!”

Breeze may challenge Wave. *-*

Only kidding, Wave is life.

WAVE WILL FOREVER RULE OUR HEARTS!!!! crazy hat lady ♥

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset

I see a lot of Connie in her here lol

this is literally the only pic i could find of puffy cheeked connie (good old times) and wave definitely has char’s eyes and nose, but she just generally looks like a miracle i guess XD

hellerie replied to your photoset “So…this is us.“ “It seems. Fuck. This is…“ “Good? Weird?” “That, and...”

k i did read it all and u did kill me thanks for that

nice way to spend a saturday night init

in a grave

our rented one? If u wanna hop it

is it bad that i feel accomplished? xD i made you FEEEEEEEEL but sure thing i too am always dead you know that let’s do some grave cuddling

monets-pixels replied to your photoset

👀

bet you expected more smut and what you got was stammering overwhelmed boys oops

volcanopasta replied to your photoset “It’s @twinsimskeletons‘ birthday today so I had to take a few pics of...”

this is so cute!!

ahsjgajshfgajsfhagsfjas thank you ;_; i hate eaxis so much for releasing c&d this late these 2 deserved a doggo all along!

socialbunnies replied to your post “i promise i haven’t forgotten abt you guys!! i’ve just been lurking...”

tbh I love the gameplay stuff soOoOoOooOoooO <3

aaaaaaaaaaaa rly ;_; i’ll have to frame that and put it somewhere to look at whenever i want to throw all my caps in the trash again xD thank you so much! i hope story bits are ok too ;)

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “C: Fair enough! How about you and mum? Are you guys good, too? S:...”

The flower beard will return

connielotte is getting married and everyone’s just thirsty for the flower beard i cannot believe

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “HUGS FOR EVERYONE”

I'll have to give a virtual one for now, but one day! ;)

soonish, maybe ;) ;)

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “T: Hey guys! Talkin shit about me?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

whatttt let the boy live

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Oh wow! After Char had the triplets, I admit I didn’t think I’d...”

I LOVE THIS

SISTERSSSSSSS

yESSSSSSSSS sometimes i forget i cry and they used to be so close ;_; glade needs to please come over more again! i remember the last time was when she was pregnant with coriander...oh boy

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

and my boy there he is

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “G: Well hello there my dearest nephew! Aren’t you a good child! T:...”

THERE SHE IS THAT'S MY GIRL

in which ebonyi adopts all annie’s sims (aka sims she received from others and sims she bred from two sims she received from others oops)

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “In case you were wondering where Tide is, he’s still alive and...”

Tide whom?

we don’t know a tide in this house we worship the hat lady

monets-pixels replied to your photoset “S: What do you mean, there’s no more soup???”

give! her! more! soup!

More Soup For Shore 2k18 is gonna be my new motto ok but seriously this is now a thing shore is a soup lover

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “™¥”

its a good thing that char has taken the bottles out bc connie sure looks like shes thirsty

who says she wants the bottles tho

alfalfalegacy replied to your photoset “If it looks like Char’s always mixing, that’s…because she is. I’m...”

I love (1) woman

s a m e

twinsimskeletons replied to your post “4 glow flame and connie and 5 emusci james and kane >:)”

this made me laugh. thank you for making me laugh

no problem ;)

inkwisteria replied to your photoset “Look who Char’s working with ♥”

My girl! <3

berrysweetboutique replied to your photoset “Look who Char’s working with ♥”

♡

i know right!!! it’s so nice to see she’s still around tho her cap glitches terribly i need to see what i can do abt that i rly need them to have a work bromance

simxnoire replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

MY B A B Y

yesssssssssss he is grown!! there should be quite a few more pics of him in the queue too ;) and once gen 7 starts, well...you’ll need to see abt that he might stick around

hellerie replied to your photoset “This boy aged up beautifully!”

ok but im the painting of the alien thx 

a bEAUTIFUL ALIEN i think they took this one to the new house i’ll be sure to hang you in a nice spot XD

hellerie replied to your photoset

me whenever reylo slips through the cracks even tho i have the words rey and reylo blacklisted everywhere

me whenever ppl doNT TAG THEIR FUCKING T R I G G E R S

amixofpixels replied to your photoset “™¥”

I second that heart like nobody's business. @tainoodles​, you did so darn good.

i hope she read that xD mum!glade especially is something else

twinsimskeletons replied to your post “.”

v r00d v bad like oh my gosh the worst rudest person. (jk obv luv)

tumblr ate all the other comments to this post so i’m just gonna add them manually:

@penelope-and-wonders said: Never have been a bad person to me 😊 So no problems here 😊 

@amixofpixels said: Annie, you have never been rude or unwelcoming to me, and I don't think that will ever change. I know what it is like to overthink things and it sucks, but know that even though, I'm on hiatus, my messages are always open to you. And it's also I can give you all the love you deserve. <3 

@nernershuman said: You are the farthest thing from rude and unwelcoming. You're a sweetheart. 

@alfalfalegacy said: Never been rude to me. You've always been very sweet and welcoming 

thank you so much for taking your time to reply guys ♥ as chelsea said yes i very much love to overthink and it’s just like...better safe than sorry, you know? and now i don’t need to worry abt this for...another month or so xD i’m glad i’ve been doing alright! you guys are all amazing too tho!! giving me all the support i do not deserve i cry

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “S: What do you mean, there’s no more soup???”

food of the gods

:o

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “C: Oh, there you are, Jess! That’s…wow! That’s a pretty neat paintig!...”

It's Isaac Pigton discovering gravity obviously

i’m nominating this one for comment of the year thank you very much

twinsimskeletons replied to your photoset “when we returned home and she pulled me close for one last goodbye,...”

i mean did you write that? Because if so you should like... do more of that. That was very beautiful!

akjsfhaskfjhakjHADKJHASFKJAHSFSD tbh i’m still not over this AT ALL i’m crying YOU LOVE THIS AND I CAN’T i’ll try to do more!! let’s see if i’m inspired...i mean there IS the wedding night poem still tho that’s completely different AGAIN

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Just reading about the soloist and it says that here. Must be good,...”

I CRY PLS GIVE MY BOY TABASCO A NOBEL PRIZE HE DESERVES IT

he truly does for being a bomb friend to ficus wHERE IS GEN 8

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Tabasco? I’m heading out, are you done for the day? Do you need me to...”

ficus is doing a mighty poker face but i feel like his heart casually did a triple somersault in his chest

basically, a summary of poker face ficus with the extreme feelies

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “Tabasco? I’m heading out, are you done for the day? Do you need me to...”

petition for more ficus with a tie!!!! also the expression ficus nooo its friday fuckt me up bc im like hell yea its friday its FIG FRIDAY

sdjkhfskdjhfskdjfhskfahkfsjasfasd i cRY fig fridays gonna b v boring this week i will fail u with old pics but also sure thing!! ill see what we can do abt tie ficus

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

yes pls seduce yarrow

would if i could

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

also was the theft of his heart a slow or quick heist i feel like we need to Discuss this

slow!! pavot rly isnt the person to do anything fast so it seems only fair. i mean there was definitely some initial attraction (and the whole wTF WHY IS THIS GODLY PERSON TALKING TO ME) but, in good annie fashion throwing my own traits on my chars as always, he discovered new smol details he found intriguing and/or adorable every time and at som point that made his heart do a lil jump but i dont think he knew how bad things were until That One Scene u kno the one bc i feel like thats too much of a spoiler to put into a reply post xD

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

i die so much at pavot one day hes gonna realize all his dang shirts are missing and when he does theyll already b cut in half smh

basically hell notice when he sees a certain someone wearing them that good stupid boy i love him

(also this killed me too i cry i m a g i n e)

pixeldemographics replied to your post “(its a mixed bag of charas i kno but shhhh) pavot, calla, & yarrow +...”

tbh i too would b scared of stealing from calla

i bet even zazazazazazazazazazaz is

pixeldemographics replied to your post “tide, havelock, & coriander + 5!!”

i cry pls dont kill him for real

dw were good that would have no use in the story and you know i aint abt that

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

[porcelain-dollfaces]

confession letter #3 (2016 july)

maybe you know this about me, but you probably dont- i see things in black and white, with no gray area. its either all good or all bad, people either heroic or evil, situations perfect or completely fucked.

for the greater part, ive put you on a pedestal but with that, i also take a lot of my internal anguish out on you even when it doesnt have anything to do with you. for that im sorry. i like you and i think ill always care about you. i guess that comes from a few incredible moments with you that i wouldnt trade for the world. i see you as the strength i lack in myself and someone id like to keep around in my life because you have shown in the past that youre worthy (ok, but at the same time i still alternate between loving and hating you depending on my mood so). youre also the first person ive had sex with since getting sexually assaulted two years ago in addition to the almost date rape incident, so theres that too.

im a huge fucking mess right now. mix anxiety and depression with a killer ecstasy comedown and hormonal post plan-b breakdowns, and this is the result. i dont fare well when people leave, especially since my death anxieties are constantly at an all time high since dylan died and i never thought it would be the last time i ever saw him when i did. so many people are leaving/have left, including my grandparents and my best friend. youre leaving too and im so scared youll forget about me, because with you, i always assume that im just some tinder girl that you fucked. i dont know if you care, because my minds so plagued by negative thoughts when im anxious and its easier to just jump to the conclusion that you hate me or that you dont care; its definitely easier than thinking you care when you actually dont. i dont know if that makes sense at all to you, but thats how i think and these are my thoughts.

i also dont do well when i know someone hates me, and trust me, someone is pretty fucking mad at me. that had to do with you, even though it was my fault for being indecisive and needing attention all the fucking time. they say hurt people hurt others, and for that i have a running tally of all those ive destroyed. i think ive recognized my own power for destruction, and id be scared to encounter someone like me, which is why im always on guard. when people i hurt ache, i ache too because i know how it feels and its not a good place to be. i also know that someone else probably hates me too for needing to take the fall for something i fucked up on, legal troubles and all. that really stresses me out, that i could have potentially screwed up her life and id never forgive myself if its on her permanent record or something.

i guess i also got reminded of someone from the past this summer, and i keep linking him back to you. like you, he was charismatic and funny, and in return for healing my wounds and listening to my ramblings, i gave him a ticket into my life and my thoughts. he had a girlfriend but lied to me and said that he was single because he knew i liked him and that i would do anything for him and basically talked me into hooking up with him three years ago, and im still not over it because if i were, then i wouldnt have all this trouble trusting you all of a sudden when things between us before were smooth sailing and what not. im blindly assuming you have someone because id rather be safe than have to pick up the pieces later. i swore id never be in that same place again, which is why i started pushing you away even when i knew how i truly felt about you.

those are a few things going on, to name a few. im a mess, im sad and nervous and i have a lot of trouble not overthinking and controlling my impulses and feeling too much. i need to work on myself, so i wouldnt even be able to handle a relationship right now in my condition. in that case, you shouldnt even want to be with me because ive been a little toxic and i pretty much have destroyed everything that ive touched. people keep leaving and im not really sure how to cope other than to take it out on you. i think im also a little jealous that you found a place where you belong and my whole world is shattering around me.

im like your modern day siren, luring people in because i crave the attention and the affection and because my passion and extremities draw people to me. that said, youll never meet anyone like me or have this same experience with someone else because im special and im worthy and if you dont see that now, youll see that once im gone.

i think its clear that im not the girl who has everything, even though ive basically projected myself as that up until this summer. you said youd always be there for me, and i guess i took that seriously. i soaked up every word you said as if you were reading the bible to me and im not ready to let that go because the world feels safer and kinder when youre in mine. all in all, i want you to be happy because after getting to know you, i truly believe that you deserve it all. i still dont want you to leave, because people always leave, but even if you arent physically here at least be there for me in spirit.

[soulfulzebrablogs]

Let’s start this off with an intro of sorts.

Hi there. If you’re reading this, then this tells me you have found this page somehow. I might have told you about it, you might have stumbled upon it (does this website still exist? Also, if you remember this site, you’re just the right age for me fam), or if I really played my cards right, you might have been having a casual peruse on the all mighty Google and you typed some fun phrases like “entertainment blogs” or “pop culture hot takes” or something more generic like “writing blogs for dummies” and you saw this Tumblr page come up at the top of all the other sites and thought, “hmm I like it, I want it, gee thanks, I click it.” Or none of the above scenarios happened, I don’t know. To be honest here, I don’t like making introduction, or more specifically, introducing myself. It’s always been like that.

Being the first in an icebreaker game drives me insane, like “great no pressure, I have to set the standard of making myself sound more interesting than I actually am.” Or in job interviews when they ask the classic question “so tell me a little bit about yourself” and then I proceed to, again, make myself sound more interesting and engaging while also keeping in mind that my answers have to align with whatever the said career path requires. It’s not that I’m antisocial or anything, it’s just the whole idea of being put on the spot to introduce myself has always made me a bit anxious. There’s a lot to introductions, like where do you want me to start? Do I go all the way back to childhood? Highschool?

As an adult, the common thing to do is flex that you went to college, got some degrees, perhaps you graduated with honors? Always flex that. And then you talk about all these jobs you did in your 20s to work towards a career or something, again, setting the appearance of being “interesting” in a certain generic way. The truth is, educational and career backgrounds are the least interesting things about what makes us, us. People. Living and breathing, and as you become wiser in whatever moon phase of life you’re in, you realize you don’t have shit figured out and you probably never will and in some ways, you’re okay with that, at least I am.  

From that whole spiel above, you probably just figured out I’m a bit of a nihilist, if you’re cool and into philosophy like that. Like, I’m not full on dogmatic or hardcore about it, it’s more or less a basic level of believing that life has no grand meaning and no ones born with a particular purpose or a predetermined path (but I do believe in predetermination as well as free will and all that jazz… maybe I’ll explain later… but not in this post.), but you give your life meaning, a purpose; you create and manifest whatever is you want to exist, if you want it bad enough of course.

If you’ve made it this far into this intro of sorts, you’ve probably figured out that I overthink things, a lot. That’s why I love writing. It just seems like the perfect creative outlet to let all these wild, wild thoughts have a place to live, to roam, to exist out of my head. It should be noted that I often contradict myself, I’m at peace with this (sometimes). Most things in life are just never that simple, there are so many scenarios, patterns, questions with multiple answers. The flaw of us all is that we sometimes like to believe that everything needs to be figured out in the simplest of responses and answers. If these are the kind of blogs you enjoy reading, if you don’t question a damn thing and have a more definitive viewpoint on the world, I can tell you now, this blog will not be consistently like that. I have plenty of opinions like you but they are constantly changing and evolving. However, certain ideas and philosophies will forever stick, like pineapple pizza is delicious, tea is superior to coffee, and Beethoven is the greatest pop artist of all time. If any of that triggered you, you’ve for sure blocked me at this point and that’s cool, express yourself Queen, go off.

If I still have your attention up to this point, you’re probably now wondering “okay pero like, what is this blog about though?” A solid question indeed and you’re appreciated. I’m here to write about all things within the Entertainment industry, pop culture, music, film, digital media, the arts, politics, etc. that fascinate me and hopefully you find these array of topics interesting as well. From reviews to hot takes, analysis to research, many subjects will be discussed in the hopes that we can get into engaging dialogue. This is probably a good time to inform you as well: if you’re looking for a gossip column, celeb couple goals, or anything that reminds you of TMZ or People Magazine, no disrespect to those established brands but... this ain’t it chief. Like, I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t enjoy the occasional gossip corner or the spilling of the superior tea or what have you, I just think there are much more interesting things to discuss within the realms of Entertainment that we all often look at through rose colored glasses. If I get into the gossip territory, it’ll somehow require a bit more depth and analysis like A Close examination into the timeline between Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s short lived relationship (I won’t talk about how much I obsessed over this if you don’t...) or The Selena Gomez Come Up Theory/Story and How Justin Bieber became her Ultimate Achilles Dick (honestly, this might get a post one day). Also, to be really good about celebrity gossip you have to be on top of it and post everyday, and sometimes multiple times a day, which is something I don’t plan on doing ever; and you have to have/find super sketchy insider sources. I’m just not into the idea of being a direct contributor to that world, none of it is interesting (our word of the day) enough on a long term kind of basis, but that’s just me.  

Yes, I’ll be another writer on the internet talking about things, people, places like everyone else, but they’ll be people, places and things that interest me and I hope they’ll interest you as well. At this point, you might have figured there aren’t a whole lot of guarantees for this blog, and that’s mostly true, I don’t have an extended planned out schedule of upcoming posts, I don’t even know what topics I’ll cover next or in what order, but I can offer you some rules and guidelines I have recently developed for myself and my varying creative pursuits that I will promise you. You can call them my 3 Don’ts list. They go as follows:

1)      I DON’T ever want my work to insight violence, harm, ill-will, hate, etc. to others well-being or even, myself.

2)      I DON’T ever intend or want to bore you. I believe that boredom is a choice and I know I can’t predict and/or control what you consider boring, just know I’m here to entertain you first and foremost, and then all that other good stuff comes afterward. AND

3)      I DON’T want you to feel or think that I’m trying to outsmart, out-wit or manipulate you in any way at all.

If it ever feels like I’m breaking any or all of these rules or that I could be unintentionally coming off in such a manner that conflicts with these said guidelines above, feel free to hold me accountable for it and I will come up with a course of action moving forward, within reason of course. But let’s hope we don’t have to get to that point, yeah? Agreed, okay cool. If you’re still here reading this, then congratulations and thank you for making it to the end of my Ted Talk.

I think that’s it, am I missing anything? Oh right the name game, icebreaking intro: hello again, my name is Kamaria and this is my blog.  

[in-paradox-space]

i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to. 

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing 

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it 

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken 

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural. 

I’d really like it if she liked me. 

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them 

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk 

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower 

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love 

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but 

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do 

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy 

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable 

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible 

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting? 

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together 

and that made me sort of nervous 

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am 

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and  i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand 

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now 

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show 

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music 

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it? 

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on 

and there was some awkwardness between us 

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they 

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill 

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship 

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow 

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her 

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow 

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that

[awkwardnate]

Me and my Mental Illness

This is a long post about my Bipolar Disorder but please take the time to read.

"Iniisip mo lang kasi yan""Nagdradrama na naman""Papansin na naman""YOU ARE SICK BECAUSE YOU TELL YOURSELF THAT""You're just imagining it""PRAY THE SICKNESS AWAY!""You just gotta stop thinking about it""He's just faking it""Why are you depressed? You have nothing to be depressed about!" Just a few of the things I keep hearing whenever I talk about my Mental Health. It used to get to me in a real bad way but little by little I learn how to shrug things off. So this was my last prescription for my Bipolar Disorder II way back in January, I think the last time I drank my meds was back in February. So it has been about 5 months? I stopped because people made me feel like I'm taking these meds because I wanted to, that all the good and bad things I'm feeling is all in my head (no pun intended). I did believe it and decided to just stop. Basically what these 2 meds does is 1 is an antidepressant, and the other is a mood and sleep regulator. If you want a more scientific explanation on what these meds does, it's like this. My brain fails to produce the correct amount of chemicals thus the ever changing moods.   And it's been 5 months now so how am I feeling? To be honest, I feel like I'm back to the me before I went to therapy. I'm becoming emotional again, a little easily ticked off, starting to have manic episodes again. I'm starting to overthink things again and dwell on things that I really shouldn't. I feel like I'm much much more vulnerable to triggers right now. It's increasingly frustrating as to how I myself can't explain why I feel the things that I do, which just basically adds to the rage that I sometimes feel. And the feeling of everything is my fault, blaming myself because of the things I feel. I blamed myself and got angry at myself because I assumed people were right, I shouldn't feel like this because I have a great life. It really fucking toxic in my brain. I want to be better, but it does make me feel guilty that I need to take these meds yet the people around me think I don't need it. And its FUCKING ALIENATING. A lot of people has given me advice how to "handle it": 1. Make yourself busy - I do this a lot, it does work but at times this also triggers some fits of rage when things to go my way. This helps when I get a manic episode because I get to redirect the overflowing energy and rushing thoughts in my end. 2. Just PRAY -  Sorry but this will NOT DO ANYTHING. It won't do what the meds does. Praying won't just fix my already effed up brain. 3. Just don't let yourself feel it -  I hope it was that easy, if we could only stop our brain to shut off. To be quite honest, I feel like I really need my meds again. I need to see my shrink again. I've tried to be open about my whole illness to some of my closest confidants and some of them kind of used it against me, but that's water under the bridge now. Writing has always been a great outlet for me, hence why I'm writing yet another long post, because this is very helpful to me. But a lot of people might think "Oh look he's making a post about his fake illness again, he just wants attention." to that I say, to each his own. If you think that way then that is perfectly fine, but I guess I kind of want to educate you people. This shit is real, and it's not always about asking for attention, or is being a drama queen, or whatever. I do hope that in one way or the other the people who read this learn to be more receptive to people who need help and are vocal about it, don't judge them, HELP THEM. I'm not asking that  you give people like me special treatment, or be very cautious, what I'm saying is that people need to be more understanding of things. So if you read till the end thank you, and I do hope you learned something. If you also suffer from any mental illness, if you FEEL like you need help, PLEASE DO GET HELP. The bottomline is I'm gonna go meet with my Psychiatrist again. I really need her again, and my happy pills.